Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #6 Thick Cast II

Episode Date: December 20, 2020

Another guest appearance from Elliot Steel where we give him enough rope to hang himself by is todays podcast offering from our flashback mini series.   Original Text: After 2 failed attempts at Podcasts Muggins and Cream get a new memory card and are joined by the same old dipshit Elliot Steel (@elliotsteelcom) to reroll on whether he's thick or not. See if he changes your mind in round 2.

All right, it's Kai Humphries again here, Mr Muggins, with another flashback episode for you. Isn't this like a little advent calendar, the build-up to Christmas, right? You just get an old podcast behind every door. Well, behind this door is an episode from December 2017. It's another thick cast with Elliot. If you've been keeping up with the flashback series, you've already heard that episode is Elliot Steel Thick. Now, this one is titled Thick Cast 2 where we just give Elliot another

grill and we've found a good formula we're stuck to it, it's part of a trilogy so you're going to get the third one soon, I hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed making a fool of Elliot, here you are road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head

that makes you laugh they said it can't be done oh in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental red job in the park kiss kiss kiss

or am I just being cynical muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11 I don't know why... You're making us record too quickly.

Why? Because I didn't know... When you're a cream, you're a cream from the moment you smoke your first muggins. I don't even know where that's from. It's from West Side Story. Oh. I don't know West Side Story. You press record and you didn't have anything in the bar.

Because I don't have anything in the bar. We weren't just introduced to the podcast by saying, Hello, my name's Daniel Sloss. This is Kai Humphries, welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the Road slash Muggins and Cream. Sorry we've not done

a podcast, but we did record two, but they both failed to record. That would have been a nice opening. You do that then. Right.

No, hold on, let's go on the fire. I don't know where this West Side story, you don't know the musical Hamilton. You just mention it now. It's the biggest

fucking musical around right now. It's about Lewis Hamilton. Right. Right. and he goes to that place in Scotland Hamilton correct

alright it's about slavery Hamilton thanks for going there why did you look at Elliot

for advice because he's a fan of slavery you know about musicals anyway yes we are back on the podcast sorry

it's been a couple of weeks, but we did generally record two and it's fucked up. So Lord knows if this will be fucking recorded, but if it is, yay. We've got a new memory card. We've got a new memory card and we're going to be checking it every 10 minutes. So let's fucking hope to God that it is saved.

We've been up to lots, but we spoke about them on the last two podcasts, which you don't listen to. We're sorry that you didn't get a podcast to listen to, but I'm even more sorry that I had to talk to you for nothing

I just sat in a room just had a wee blast high energy just really hamming it up for the audience

that would never perceive it and then we got Gareth Waugh and we recorded that and it also didn't record we'll put weed

in his coffee like THC oil not just fucking weed yeah not like the crumble it in that's why I used to

make weed brownies which you just ground up weed you just put it in brownie mix and there'd be points you're just eating chunks of fucking leaves

what do you want milk milk sugars two sugars three hot rocks three hot rocks boil the heat the cup

from the bottom aye I miss the days of resin if you don't know much about marijuana basically it comes in grass green

the actual marijuana and then you've got hashish which is like it looks like poo you get nine bar yeah that's when you see

people who've got hot rocks some people like for me hashish was always what you get when you couldn't get any actual

fucking weed so like now when people now when people choose I think it's kind of a bit hipster now hasn't it yeah

it's like become the thing that's like uncommon but like people are like oh nice yeah no we moved on from that

yeah it's like it's not hipster to go for the shit version of things that's like doing like coke that is 90% washing powder

being like yeah it's just a bit different I just like mix it up that's the thing I was talking to Fred about today like you know how you always you've got other friends hi well you know what

i do other podcasts that don't fail to record uh you know how anyone you know in the 80s and 90s will tell you about like like nelson's a perfect example nelson be like man pills back in the 80s were so much better than pills nowadays tolerance had 20 years and what it does i cannot stand that arrogance right because you ask any people from that generation and every single one of them will admit that marijuana has gotten stronger every single one will be like oh back in my day weed wasn't that fucking strong but now it knocks me for six right and you bring up so pills are stronger now nah there's no logic behind that yeah science has moved on way less than gardening yeah it's definitely the tolerance right it's like if you do pills when you're like 19 in the 90s, right?

You're going to have a blast that is nothing like when you're 30. Speaking of drug addicts, we've got Elliot still in the podcast. We're recovering you. Still sober, are you? Yeah. How long have you been sober for? Like 60-something days now. You'll be sucked up there.

You'll be cloned. 60-something days. I'd like to point out that I'm not a drug addict not sober the first step is admitting

you've got a problem and the second step is owning it those should be the two things I've got a

problem I'll just guess I'll just hand him my shit I never had a problem with drugs just guess I'll just hand him a shit I never I never had a

problem with drugs I was absolutely kidding but the fact that you're so wound up by it makes it so much better oh man you've just given me to my meetings again

yeah your alcoholic meetings oh well why don't we bring your net off as well no no the jailing on inside I think fucking

I'm genuinely tempted to do okay is it court orderedordered therapy? No, basically, I'll tell the story. I was really down and everything, you know,

because I was drinking and all of that stuff, but not heavily, but in comedy, you guys have to be drunk. But a lot. But a lot. You're not smart enough

to be down in the dumps. You should have this bovine sort of just... Yeah, like Kai. Like he's too stupid to ever feel sadness because that would require being aware of anything outside of the keys I'm just misunderstood maybe it's your accent but yeah

I went to this counselling place and they were like oh because you're under 25 we'll give it to you and stuff and then I stopped drinking suddenly oh I'm happy all the time and I go to these counselling meetings and they're like oh because you're under 25 we'll give it to you and stuff and then i stopped drinking suddenly oh i'm happy all the time and i go to these counseling meetings and they're like how have you been this week i'm not really good um i think there's someone who probably really needs this and i'm taking up 12 sessions oh you're just you're turning up to the dentist to get your teeth brushed it's like it's like it's like it's like going to a and a with a stub toe me and the guy just chat about karate for like 30 minutes in one of the sessions

which is nothing to do with anything I would do I would do therapy because I totally think that I am like level headed and fine

and I would just love to see because I know deep down it's not true but I'm just like but where's where's my flaws I would love for like

to just to get fully psych evaluated because they'd find some shit to massage in your head like aye but I'm wondering what it to get fully psych-evaluated. They'd find some shit to massage in your head. Aye, but I want to know what it is. They'd definitely find some fucking dark corners in there. But most of my dark corners come out on stage.

Because that's your therapy, right? Yeah. So if the audience could talk back, they could probably tell you a thing or two. What's wrong with you? Aye, but if they were talking back, I'd be dead angry and I'd kick them out. There's one of your problems.

How does that make you feel? My guy's wicked because he sometimes when I do speak about something bad he just justifies it he goes oh man well you know some people's morals

are here and some are there so you know that's this week done and I'm like oh cool thanks for giving me an excuse he doesn't even look up

from playing Angry Birds he's just looking at a photo of his photo of that cat hanging from the washing line saying hang in there he's watching looking at a photo of his photo of that cat hanging from the washing line saying hang in there he's watching

a ticket counter countdown I honestly think if I had a therapy session I'd have like a sound hour chat with that bloke

and then go out for a pint I reckon I'd just be like two mates having a chat do you reckon as a comic

if you go to therapy you might know the answer to this Elliot do you call me kid I because I reckon that's the thing, as a comic, like, if you go to therapy, you might know the answer to this, Elliot. Do you call me kid? I think, yeah. No, I think I was going to say Kenneth. No, I tell you what, kiddo.

You got spunk. It's on your jacket. It's on your chin. Do you reckon there's a point, like, if you go to therapy, because I reckon for the first three, I would definitely be trying to make them laugh. I'm like, look, you might be a professional, but there must be a point when the performance stops. Because I reckon every time I'd be in there,

it must take a while to get all the... I don't know if they're walls, but, like, I'm like this all the time. I'm always on. I think it might make them a little bit nervous to find out, like, I think the therapist would get nervous if they found out you're a comedian. Nah. Nah? Nah.

They get psychopaths going in there and talk about wanting to behead people. You're going to make them nervous because you make people laugh. Well, no, because you think you're writing about them. Because you're self-conscious. I went to the opticians once and as soon as the optician... Once.

There's your problem There's thousands of times on one of those occasions I was at the new optician in Edinburgh and em no that wasn't it doesn't matter

it's a relevant story but em the optician didn't know where he was because he couldn't read the signs I'd be mapping upside down Don't think he was just in he couldn't read the signs I'd be mapping upside down don't think he was

just in a bar holding up the pint glasses the optician found out it was a comedian he just asked too many questions I told him I was a comedian and he like

actually got a bit of a tremble on got a little bit like nervous shaking because he thought I would have been writing jokes about him I hear

I mean you fulfilled the prophecy you just marked it on a podcast. Fucking self-fulfilling prophecy. Shouldn't have trembled. It's better always. It was better when you weren't trembling.

I don't think man is therapy, actually. I think it's school counselling or guidance something or other. Oh, right. Where they sort of direct you or help you find... It's a careers advisor. That's what I've been going to. Yeah, wait, wait. So you're still in high school.

I'm like, yeah. I was just wondering. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. I'm in detention. Sorry, lads. I just, yeah. Sorry, I tripped on one of the girls

on the playground because her pants are here. I got two weeks detention. I reckon you lot got detention because I got detention once ever, right? I got it once a week. Oh, man.

I reckon you got proper detention sentences. Oh, man. I reckon you got proper detention sentences. Oh, man, I went, so in my sixth form... You got 35 years to life. In my sixth form, basically... Hi, I lived. I was doing good at sixth form. Well, no, no, I wasn't. That's why I was kicked out, actually.

Right, so... He just did a proper he just did a proper Yui in his story so I was fucking a bunch of girls sorry sorry

sorry sorry so I was I was having a wank like it's not what you said at all have you seen that Dave Chappelle clip

with Rick James where Rick James goes nah I wasn't rubbing my feet on his couch yeah I was rubbing my feet on his couch Rick James does basically

I worked at school in detention not in detention in sixth form sorry sorry in December so when I was in the army nah yeah

I used to just never show up for I lived 10 minutes walk from my sixth form when does this story start I told you not to let me get high before that's true we did

when are any of those sentences you start and finish we've got to subscribe essentially I got detention a few times and when but I never turned up

to detentions because I was like what are you going to like I'll just go home yeah what are you going to do give me double detention and yeah they did exactly that oh did they?

Called you bluff? Yeah, fair play to them. And then, so I was sat in the detention and my mate Matt was in there. So I was just having a chat with Matt and they were like, you can't talk in here. And I was like, what are you going to do? Give me another detention.

But you had this form you used to have to fill out about bunking. But like the questions were so ridiculous. Bunking? Yeah, yeah. Skipping school. Oh, right. Sorry, I thought you meant, like, bed bunking.

Like, I prefer the top bunk. Bed bunking? So they had this, like, sheet you had. But it was like a big pamphlet sort of thing. And then one of the questions was, like, multiple choice. And it was like, what should you say when someone asks you to skip school? And it was like, yeah, let's do it. Come on, let's go.

Or, no way, man. Like, that's the level of things we're dealing with. No way, hombre. I ain't done with that. It's like when your teacher's trying to be straight. Oh, man, yeah. It was just the cringiest thing. And one of the questions was like,

what do you do when you skip school? Skip leg day. What do you think I'm doing? So I wrote, I go behind the bins and shoot up. Because I was like, no. Yeah, yeah. You wrote that? Yeah, because I was like, no one's ever going to read this stuff. Anyway, fast forward to when they're kicking me out and I'm in a meeting with my dad. They bring out the booklet and they go to my dad.

We had to have a meeting because we didn't know if he was serious. This is what your son has been doing. This is how we regard his education. And my dad the comedian is sat there like you you know when he's like not expected it but he has to be a dad and be angry at me they have to be one of them what if he's right oh come on like no no it's like full bomb threats that you've got to check every single one going behind the bins and shooting up but then why did you say it because when when it's like... You can't be trusted.

You bunk school, right? You don't come to second's detention. You're snitching on yourself with lies. Yeah, but I'm not going to do that, am I? Like, behind the bins. Like, if I skip school, no one's at home. I mean, you've not said a good example. It's not like you're a grade A student.

It could have been a cry for help. Aye. Why would I shoot up behind the bins, though, if nobody's at home? I can just go home and do it. No, I'm skipping school. They may just think you've got loose lips. Same chips.

So I done that way. I wrote a lie on lateness at work, and I had to fill in the lateness form at the leisure centre. And I put on, when I was getting my T-shirt out the cupboard, I stepped into Narnia and had a massive epic adventure. And when I came back, even though three years had passed in Narnia, only 30 minutes had passed in the real world so that's why I'm 30 minutes late and I can't

go to the office for it. I had to call my dad in to see if it was real because because what if they're right, you know? Well this brings us nicely on to our new favourite section of the show. Elliot's Pop Quiz.

So, Elliot, obviously you get annoyed at us calling you thick because it's basically you are. And you don't think you are because you're very intelligent in other ways. Because if you get angry when we call you thick because you're thick, because if you weren't thick and we called you thick, you wouldn't be you'd maintain like man that's just confused me so we've got i haven't managed to do this week's quiz in that section so they are all just fucking but they're i've tried to yeah just what's the mark so like say i get how many questions all right let's say there's 20 i can get this to like 20 questions Yeah, just... What's the mark? So, like, say I get... How many questions are there? Let's go... Forget marks. It's just for entertainment. You're going to get none right. All right, let's say there's 20.

I can get this to, like, 20 questions. Right? And so you get a point. If you get more than 12, right, which is... That's a push. You get a care package. It's that 60%. Okay.

60%. And they're not ridiculously hard this time. Right. 60% and they're not ridiculously hard this time which large animal is the only creature thought to produce its own suntan lotion from its natural secretions so what animal makes its own suntan lotion is it humans no why would we need suntan lotion no but it's just not good enough

we're still making it you think we make one with suntan lotion No but it's just not good enough But we're still making it We're still Like you know You think we're making one with suntan lotion Why would we need suntan lotion No because right Listen Before you jump in

Okay Grill me Like Is this why he's sad sticks to you You see the way We like Make shit in our body Yeah

So like Like insulin You make insulin But some people don't get enough insulin so they inject the insulin so like the same way we create a little bit of something like you know there might be something to be in the skin that's like oh yeah we can sort out these sun rays you know what that's actually a very good explanation this is that is actually a perfect example of elliot's intelligence he'll make the dumbest thing but then explain it really rashly

you know oh no i can't and i don't know if that's because it's either you're secretly you are smart in the way we said which is like it's not knowledge smart but it's intellect smart it's applying knowledge or you're so dumb it's contagious I can't tell if you're smart

you wedge a round peg into a square hole you just fucking hammer it in and also when you get out to sea on holiday, would you go, oh, my natural secretion suntan lotion is washed off. No, because it's waterproof. I'm going to walk into the shade.

No, it's... And let it resecrete. Are you not getting it on your bed? Because there's no sun in your bedroom, is there? Everybody's like, okay, we're indoors now, under the covers. I'm not saying you're, like, oozing the stuff, but I'm just saying, like, the cells might do... Maybe something in the sweat is a suntan lotion type thing.

Man, you've got to think, the body does, like, so many amazing things we don't know about. It's such a, like... What, no, that you don't know about. Like, a science knows them all. Oh, because everyone listening to the podcast has a degree in biology. Right, one. You are impressed with yourself there? You probably...

You fucking... You curtsied? The answer is hippo. I didn't know that either. Oh, okay. Okay. Which fantasy kingdom

was found in the back of the wardrobe and featured Aslan and a white witch? Narnia. There we go. Hi, do you remember that time you went there? Got detention because of it. Elliot was shooting up behind it. He fucking really took Narnia down a dark, dark alley.

What mythical animal had the head and body of a lion and the wings and talons of an eagle? The griffin. Correct. eagle? The griffin. Correct. Ten points to griffins. What is Samuel L. Jackson's middle name? L. Wait, because that would start with an E.

So do you think his name is Samuel E. Jackson? But just his friend his name is... Do you think his name is Samuel E. Jackson? But just his friend's name as hell, yeah. No, I just thought it was Lewandowski then. Oh, yeah, after the fucking Polish footballer. Yeah. Or did you think his name was... I thought his name was originally Sam U. L. Jackson. It's Leroy.

I mean, if you guessed, I would have called you racist. In which year was Halley's Comet last visible from Earth? 1999. 1986. Okay. You nodded like you were right the body language of correctness of no okay

how many times has Donald Trump been married bonus points for everyone your name and extra bonus points for everyone you bang so there's a possible there's a possible of and extra bonus points for everyone you bang. So there's a possible of seven points here. Oh. Are you giving away?

Oh, okay. Oh, no, I said... Oh, balls. Are you giving away? No, no, because... You're invisible by three. No, no, no, because if you'd actually listened to the original question...

You can't bang one of them because she's dead, perhaps. No, no, I'll explain at the end. So to the original question... You can't bang one of them because she's dead, perhaps. No, no, I'll explain it at the end. So, how many times has Donald Trump been married? Three times. Three times. Three fingers when he did it, what are you doing? Worst quiz master ever.

Right, name them. Melania. Yeah. Gwenedir. No, But good case Candy No that's his current wife's Strip of name

No it's Ivana and Marla So the possible seven was How many times Has Donald Trump been married Three I thought his daughter Was called Ivanka

Yeah but You don't want to marry someone who's got, like, a close name to your kids, do you? No, it was... Yeah, but you have... Wait, wait, wait. You need a kid after the mum. She's like, you don't...

Oh, we made it. Oh, is that a mum? You don't... You don't... You don't have a kid and then meet the mum. Sorry, you can't be the daughter of the kid. I just had...

Your names are too similar. That's why my mum didn't... That's why my dad didn't marry someone called danielle love of his life he first my dad had me right no i thought i thought like he had he had a bunker and then but i'm saying like as soon as someone like if you've got a daughter called a bunker and then someone named ivana comes along you've got to be like all right like i'm not gonna marry this. It's just a bit too close. Sure. Pause this and get the charger. Sorry, we just had to pause there just to make sure that it was all recorded

because we don't want you guys to miss anything. And it has been banked. You've listened to the first bit. Yeah. Are you listening to this or not? Yeah. We will release this. So out of a possible eight points possible so far,

you have four. So you're off. There's a few up for grabs as long as I bang. Ivana, Marlowe and Melania. What is the colour of a polar bear's skin? What are you thinking about this? Can I just... Why can't you get three points from Trump's wives?

Why can't you only get two points for fucking three of them? Oh, so you can't get an extra three? Yeah, right. Yeah, one extra. People would have been wondering, like, what, do you fucking want to get one point for two and you still

have no extra points? No, it's just, I consider only two of them half a point. It's really horrible sexism. That would be one and a half points available. All right.

No, that's one. Yes! Get the fuck out of here. That's another important point. When he got it right, he didn't believe that it was right. By the way, you're a fucking idiot. It's white. No.

I was just trying to... How many hearts does an octopus have? Oh, can we just go back? Well, he's thinking of that. Do you know polar bears and grizzly bears are starting to mate in the wild now? Are they? This is happening. I watched it on a documentary on an aeroplane.

Man, this sounds really interesting. I'm trying to think of answers here. This doesn't happen on Who Wants to Be a Million. Who Wants to Be a Million? I make a game show that they ask you a question, you've got like 30 seconds to answer it, but they start talking about your mum. Or they're just slightly gossiping,

and every three seconds you just hear your name, and you're like, oh, no, no, no no no I'm gonna go two No the answer is Three more than I have Three So before you answer this question Has anybody got any facts about Ogden Pie

If they've got nine arms It's a male. I want it to go really, really far. Right, next question. And if it's eight, you can tell because they've got little octopussies. Which river discharges

the greatest volume of water in the world? The Amazon. Correct! See, I feel like the problem is now, is people want me to be stupid, and I've come on and proved I'm not stupid. I mean, no, you've had some pretty dumb answers so far. The thing is, Elliot, right,

is that some of the questions, like, probably the same amount as you, I don't know the answer for, but you still come across more stupid than anybody. Because I'm a contemplator. Because you throw an answer at it that's so dumb. And then you justify it in a very intellectual way, but you're just explaining how your wrong point is correct,

but it's really endearing. Never change, we're really... Oh, you're our favourite. And you're the... Yeah, I think outside of G-Tip and you're the yeah I think outside of G-Tip you're the oh I'm probably

in it Cody guest favourite audience favourite yeah Stanley as well people loved it when he was on and Sam from Abandonment

outside of outside of everyone and Barry and Rich and Sponge and Milo can I point out by the way I'd been on this podcast twice before

and no one had sent me one tweet or anything and now it's fucking non-stop about me and mountains. Yeah, audience, if you can't handle Elliot, it's worse, right? You don't deserve it, Matt is dumbest. Elliot, what is the smallest country in Europe?

The Vatican. Correct, Vatican City. Fucking smash. Is that a country? Aye. Fucking hell, do they do a World Cup there? Is that a country? Aye. Fucking hell. Do they do a World Cup? Oh, do they?

I don't know. They all come out with their little... I guess they all... I was going to say they all come out in their little Pope hats, but I guess they all don't have Popes hat. Unless they all wear them like in their rooms.

Can't all be Popes? No, no, but I reckon... The whole of the vacuum can't be... No, but you tell me you don't reckon a bunch of the other Popes like when they're at the dinner table with the napkins. A bunch of the other Popes?

No, a bunch... Sorry, Cardinals. A bunch of the other Popes? And I'm on trial. A bunch of the other popes like when they're at the dinner table with the napkins no but sorry cardinals a bunch of the other cardinals or wherever they are ministers we reckon when they're all sat dinner they get all the little napkins and stuff and they fold them into little pop hats and they're like oh look at me i'm fucking what's the one day they start taking their piss out of them oh look at me i'm john oh i love touching kids you think there's people that live at the vatican that aren't even like bothered about any of the mumbo jumbo and they're just like

oh I just grew up here you know grew up in the streets grew up in the streets used to play one touch behind the Sistine Chapel do you remember when I thought

the Sistine Chapel was called the Sixteen Chapel oh yeah in the Fourth River Bridge you thought it was the fourth one made is it not not back at all

why would you make yourself funny if you had fucking wheels no did you actually think it was the fourth road bridge is it not the fourth road bridge no it's over the river

fourth is it the fourth river no no it's no no no I'm just saying why is the river called fourth

there's got to be a reason yeah but it's not spelled it's not fourth as in fourth's not Forth as in Forth It's F-O-R-T-H No it's not a froth It's the Firth of Forth It's the We've got the second

The second Forth Road bridge Has just been built That should be the eighth one No because it doesn't multiply The second Forth It's the second one No because it doesn't multiply The second fourth It's the second one of four Again again Yeah good logic

Fuck I'll give you that one When your mum was tidying up after you Did she used to say it's like painting the fourth bridge Was that the same where you're from No Even though you're from Fife What about Have you heard that before

Yeah because my mum would never stop banging on about the fourth bridge And Corrie the Pussy No This is one of those things where This is one of those things where You heard that before? Yeah, because my mum would never stop banging on about the fourth bridge in Corridor. Did she? No! This is one of those things where I didn't know if it was like every parent. I've never heard it. I get the reference immediately because the second you stop painting it, you've got to restart painting it. You've got to paint the other side. Yeah.

That's the Golden Gate Bridge, isn't it? It's like painting the fourth bridge. What's it saying in my house? She painted the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, that one in Hull? Yeah. Wait, because Elliot's right. Humber Bridge. I think Humbleback. I reckon he's right. in my house he painted the Golden Gate Bridge or that one in Hull yeah wait because Elliot's right

Humber Bridge I think Humblebrag I reckon I reckon he's right I reckon the thing is it's like painting the Golden Gate Bridge but because

we just did a monopoly on it but just because everything about just because everything about no no just because everything about your family's poor even the fucking analogies

have to go down like your family couldn't afford the top drawer analogies, so they had to go for the council estate one. Oh, man. Okay. Which of the following is used in pencils? Graphite, silicon, charcoal, phosphorus.

Oh, charcoal, my old friend. No, graphite. No, no, no, I know it's graphite. I was saying because you asked me about the charcoal, but I knew it was graphite. Oh, my God. I was doing I know it's graphite. I was saying because you asked me about the charcoal, but I knew it was graphite. No, no. Oh, my God. I was doing a callback to a previous podcast.

All right, well. I don't think I got that one wrong. I knew it was graphite. I mean, that's not what you said. The gas usually filmed, filled in an electric bulb is nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, or oxygen. Oxygen. Nitrogen. If it was oxygen, it would explode. hydrogen carbon dioxide or oxygen oxygen nitrogen if it was oxygen

it would explode good thing I'm not on that job no no Elliot also thinks they're filled with helium because that's how they stay on the ceiling

that's Daniel's dad who's smarter than you by a lot. And he was talking about... Do you think my dad's smarter than all of us by a lot? No. He's not as smart as you. So his dad said, you know when you said the sun is made of helium and hydrogen

and you went, yeah, helium, that's why it floats. As a joke. Hydrogen is lighter than helium. Yeah, but why aren't we filling balloons with hydrogen? and you went yeah helium that's why it floats as a joke hydrogen is light other than helium yeah but they might want why aren't we filling balloons with hydrogen because not the Heisenberg not the Hellenberg not the Hillsborough

not the iceberg no not the iceberg it would be cold no no the hydrogen explodes remember the big fucking blimp that explodes The Zeppelin The Battenberg What's it called

Hindenburg Hindenburg That's the one Yeah yeah Hindenburg And that was hydrogen It exploded So that's why they no longer

Fill blimps with them Oh OS The computer abbreviation Usually means Online service No Operating system Oh abbreviation usually means online service. No. Operating system.

Oh. I thought you'd know that. I'm not good with computers. Which celebrity released their own brand of perfume in 2006 called Shhh. What kind of question is this?

It's general knowledge. Pop culture. What? Which celebrity released their own brand of perfume in 2006 called... Paris Hilton. No, Jerry Goody. Oh. Oh.

Paul, are you looking out for a fallen soldier? Bit of a prophecy, if you ask me. Sleep tight. Which type of... That's all. Pulling your fingers over our eyes. Which type of headgear is named after a town and battle in the Crimean War? Cardigans and wells, motherfucker.

And it's not headgear Oh yeah, that'd be If you're brave enough Which type of headgear Is named after a town and battle In the Crimean War Okay, give me a second here I'm going to go with the Ushanka

The what? The Ushanka What's the Ushanka? It's the hatch like Russians wear. Oh, that's a very good guess. The answer is no, it's balaclava. Oh, okay. Well, the good answer.

Come on, the good one's closer. Who is known as the muscles from Brussels? Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah. Or as he's known over there, Jean-Claude. The dammit. Which film star wore the same coat in five different films in the 1940s? Hitler.

Film star? He was in films. I guess he was in a lot of movies. The answer is Lassie. Oh. She wore the same coat. How did you keep it so shiny? Which has more annual rainfall,

the Sahara or the Antarctic? Sahara. Correct. It rains in the desert. But what kind of fact was that? There's more precipitation. Oh, I would get it, man. You've read a book.

You know nothing No The question The question wasn't You're a bastard Unrelated to the bit he was doing The question wasn't like How does it happen

Yeah Okay and he got it right We're a long way from the How does it happen questions You've got four questions left How long did the hundred years war last 101

116 I wish the answer was 100 I was so excited for that being 100 what is the common way for identifying individual mountain gorillas just ask it

Steve Steve Steve oh it's Barry sorry your mountain gorilla yeah Just ask it. Steve! Steve! Steve, I was planning, sorry. You're a mountain girl, aren't you? Yeah. Turn around. Actually, is it... Oh, no, sorry, that was me.

Is it to do with, like, what trees they live in? No. No, but that's, you know know The area they live in They do live in trees I mean they don't Gorillas don't Gorilla Gorilla

I thought you asked monkey No I said individual Mountain gorillas Oh then this changes Everything Okay so what is The common way For identifying

Individual mountain gorillas The way They look Tonight It is It's in a kiss The way They look tonight The way they like Charge at you So that's when they identify them Oh this is

They're just attacking Well it's a risky job Someone's got to do it It pays well This is nose print So they're getting printed job someone's got to do it it pays well there's his nose print so they're getting the

prints off their nose easier what after they've charged I'm saying my way safer than them

charging it yeah well yeah you've got a motor you can drive away how do they

get a nose print they grab the hair And then whack it's face Into the ink And then whack it's face Onto the paper

And then just push it away Check it's nose print No I think it's like It'll be something I don't know Everyone says that That Coco the gorilla Was smart

Because it learnt sign language But if it's All the other gorillas Were smart Because they didn't get captured Like Do you know what I mean So like So you reckon what i mean so like

so you reckon if we like the ones we can't catch are highly much more intellectual yeah like it's like if you like went to live with an alien family and they gave you all this knowledge and you're like oh this is amazing you're still having to live with the alien you're still you're still yeah you can't go back to your buddies on earth and share it. Yeah, you were still the hillbilly that got... And if she did go back with the other gorillas, they don't even know sign language. So what fucking use is it? It's not to get them to communicate to us

so we can communicate with them. We don't want them to have their own secret language. That's how fucking Planet of the Apes starts. Oh, man, you know, this is a bit about one time I got high on thought of the plot of Planet of the Apes but thought of it as original content

you pitched it to me yeah you're like oh I've got this idea about animals that get smart and all of a sudden they close the gap

between intelligence I'm sorry and he's pitching this to me right this is coming from the man who claims he invented egg fried rice yeah

hold on a second has that not been brought up on the podcast no it's not one time after a game of football I was at Kais and spoke to Joy and then Gab was like Yeah, hold on a second. Has that not been brought up on the podcast? No, it's not. One time after a game of football, I was at Kai's and smoked a joint, and then Gab was like,

oh, is there some rice in there? I'll make some rice. And Kai looked at me and went, you know what I do sometimes? I break an egg and some rice, stir it in, and I'm just looking at him, and he goes,

did I just try to pass egg fried rice up? It's my own invention. I mean, I discovered it independently. It sounds like you just forgot a recipe and then went through the process. Obviously, every time I've had egg fried rice, I've been aware that there's egg in it, but it's never really crossed my mind that in the kitchen, putting egg in, I just came like that. That's how egg fried rice is done.

I've ordered a bunch but I've never realised that they're just there cracking an egg here mixing it up but then I give that a shot from your own free will oh man

I do say a lot of dumb things don't I that was me that time I was trying to pitch you that I remember that that proper broke my heart as well

oh yeah yeah because you thought you'd come up with a concept man I thought I'd come up with something so smart about like animals like taking over and stuff

and like it's just like I'm so ahead of my time oh no wait I'm four years behind no I planned four forty

oh okay and also four since the remake so how many years was Nelson Mandela held in prison 27 Jesus

I was not expecting that. Three of my boys locked up in jail still. Release the Croson 6. Which profession is associated with Savile Row? Radio broadcasting. Slash paedophilia. Paedophilia. The BBC is tailoring.

Why is that? Because Savile Row is where you go. Where's Savile Row? In London somewhere. I've literally just given you the address Savile Row where's that I'm not Google Maps bro

yeah but my reason if people think oh you're from London how do you not know that London is so vast I don't go to North I go to Central London

but beyond there it's all Tottenham, in my opinion. How should he know about Southampton? Cut him some slack. So you got... Keep talking. Oh, is that all of them? Oh, is there more questions?

I've got questions for him. Oh, okay. I wrote them down, but he didn't use them. Who is Taylor Durden? Brad Pitt. In the fake club? Yeah. And who would be your Taylor Durden? If anybody could be your Taylor Durden. Taylor Darden Brad Pitt in the fake love yeah and who would be

your Taylor Darden if anybody could be your Taylor Darden I can be your Taylor Darden punch away I don't know I'd like to think

I'd go with like I don't know I'd probably go with like who would be like my person to chill with all the time I've got I'm going to tell you like Daniel thinks you're here alone

that's what's wonderful about this podcast you're coming in with some confusing he doesn't know that I'm here despite all the fact that this podcast is called Slots and Humphries on the Road I thought that was it so Out of a possible 24 points You got But Freedem appending So if you bang any of them

You're on 12 so that is half That's 50% not 60% So it's out of 24 So I think the rule should be We will keep bringing you on this podcast and do this quiz And every time you're on the podcast we will do this quiz until you get 60% in one of the quizzes and then we'll finally admit that you're not on time

just get on as a regular guest fuck man, you had my surname into that title for a long time oh, right should we pause there and get on to Muggle Corner and we have banked the second third of the podcast that also exists.

Nice. Now let's get on to Muggle Corner. Now, Steel, we'll let you go first since you are guest. Okay, cool. Muggles, Kingsman... No, wait, that's from Sean Walsh's podcast. Sorry. Wait, Sean Walsh does Muggle Corner? No, no, he was asking me for films I didn't like.

And what was your answer? Kingsman the Golden Circle quite late I feel a bit bad coming on and saying that now actually I retract that

why don't you talk like you walk like you muggles do CrossFit now what is CrossFit because I know people make fun of it but I don't think

I actually know what it is man it's so sort of, it's so... It's sort of like... Like, it's so... You walk into, like, this big warehouse room and there's, like, weights in one corner. There's a couple of guys rolling around in them kettlebells.

So it's like circuit training. Yeah. It's pretty intense circuit training. It's actually a really good workout, but I think... It looks tough, but it's the way people bang on about it it's a social media exercise isn't it a little bit yeah

but like also you see when people are doing them training for things like you get guys who go like oh yeah I'm doing this training we're like we're going to

have to crawl through mud on the weekend and it's like you're not in the army that's not what are you doing you don't need to train that just go to the gym

just go to the gym bro well do you know when I was training in Perth the MMA gym also had CrossFit on their premises and they kind of kept themselves

separate like CrossFit one side of the gym and the MMA boys were kicking the pads on the other but they had like an interclub thing

where they'd done things like tug of war and shit like that and the MMA lads beat the CrossFit people at tug of war but that's their thing that's their feel

imagine the CrossFit boys and girls got into but that's their that's their thing that's their feel imagine the CrossFit boys and girls got into the octagon with MMA they'd get

kicked the fuck so they should totally hold their world yeah so it's like it's not even the best of it yeah yeah

I don't get people I don't know I'm sure there's people out there who will be able to explain to me as we've worked

I don't get why you'd ever do something like CrossFit it costs a lot of money as well there's one near there who will be able to explain to me as we've worked out. I don't get why you'd ever do something like CrossFit. It costs a lot of money as well. There's one day a minute, it's 120 a month. That's not cheap. I'd actually like to do it. I think it's a good workout.

It just seems to be like... You don't want to be in the company of muggles. Like you've just got to... Even though you wouldn't necessarily be in a muggle if you're yourself for doing it, you will fit. You're invested. I'd come on. You'd massively come on. If you're in that environment, you wouldn't necessarily be a muggle for yourself for doing it you will fit your your invest come on you you'd massively come on if you're in that environment you're going to be like because it is with the german things like you know martial arts and stuff when you make bit games you take pictures of it and sure you put it up but you'd fall into that thing

like you'd buy a longboard or something yeah just come on to them dudes yeah i think the way it is i don't think crossfit is muggly but i think there's a lot of muggles do crossfit yeah yeah it's muggles yeah so that's yeah that well yeah that's a perfect way of putting it there's probably people that do crossfit now listen to this going oh thank god fucking i am surrounded by muggles yeah yeah but it is but because you were it yeah so even if you do if you are an innocent person doing crossFit You still have to go stand in the corner I bet you own a CrossFit tracksuit of your gym as well Me?

No not you When I say you're a speaker Tracksuit? Do you do it in a tracksuit? I don't know You think they'll have merch? I reckon they're people that take running seriously And again

You're allowed to But like It's the full Don't let us get into that again I know Good Gareth No no no But it's the other thing

Like when you go It's like someone who turns up To like five a side In like a full strip And like full You're like Oh pipe down Full kit one

Got a five a side You mean just Funsies five a side Not like Yeah yeah yeah Team five a side Is important Because it's a strip But it's so like kit one got a five or six you mean just funsies five or say not like yeah yeah yeah yeah team five or seven is important because that's a strip but it's so like um it's such a like i've seen it as a hipster workout because it's in like a they're all in like a warehouse or kind of basement

kind of thing like big room yeah yeah so you know what i'm gonna say avocado doesn't taste like much i like avocado i don't know i like it doesn't taste like much. I like avocado. I don't know. I like it. It doesn't taste like much. It's like the water of vegetables. Don't go after avocado. I'm not.

I'm just saying it. Look, it's the same thing. Sometimes you've got to stand out. You've got to stand against the grain. And I'm not saying I don't like avocados. I'll eat them. No, you're just eating them at the wrong time. You've got to give it a squeeze and make sure it's ready. No, because everything you put added to an avocado, it's like, oh, I love avocado.

Are they guacamole? Aye, but that's the lime and that's all the other stuff. We went and got a burrito two days ago. I love avocado is it guacamole aye but that's the lime and that's all the other stuff we went and got a burrito two days ago I didn't put any guacamole on it did I no because it's a pound fifty

like take a cut I didn't get it because I was like I don't want flavourless mash on my thing don't

come on leave the avocado alone man what's it taste like avocado no describe it it's got good fats in it but bro it's avocado Don't, come on, leave the avocado alone, man. What's it taste like? Avocado. No. Describe it. It's got good fats in it, bro.

It's avocado-y, isn't it? Yeah, right. That was a very CrossFit thing to say. Skookoo. Yeah, that's what it's getting at with avocado muggles. It's Instagram muggles. I'm not saying avocado on Instagram is muggly, but there are muggles that... To be fair, at this point,

the amount of people in... I think there's something we've never discussed at Muggle Corner, if enough Muggles do something, is it the thing itself must be Muggly That's good I'm a Muggle for a point, I would happily I would happily, I don't know how you'd feel about this

I would happily have someone sit here and be like to me martial arts, that's Muggle If you go and train martial arts like I train Muay Thai you're a bit of a muggle what are you ever going to do it's like yeah I am being a muggle with it do you

know what I mean I feel I admit I am but it's a nice bit of mugglery but I feel like martial arts is very harmless mugglery if you enjoyed an avocado

and go to CrossFit yeah yeah but that's the thing about muggles is they are harmless yeah it's there it's the owning of like make an avocado part of your

being yeah yeah yeah part of your being. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very important part of your being. Yeah, yeah. If you look at how our projection is about those things. That's exactly what I mean. The vegan problem. It becomes a replacement for a personality. Yes.

You become the CrossFit guy. Like, yeah, and you're always banging on. That's what I really mean. It's people constantly bang on about CrossFit. Went to CrossFit, and we're just like, bro, you just lifted some weights. All right, but you moved it over there,

and then you skipped for a bit. I do, I would probably get back into it Because I don't think it's a quick way to get healthy Did you do it? No, no, no But when I get back to the gym properly It's a good way of shedding everything It's a good way of building muscle at the same time

As leaning down I don't even know what they're doing now I just walked past it one time Muggles I wrote it down on your phone I think we'll absolutely allow it to be put in Did you drink Virgin's blood in there? I mean, each other's blood.

Now, this is my Muggle suggestion here. I'm going in the corner just because of the second wave of Mugglery, which is complaining about this Muggle-y thing. Muggles give any form of shit about the royal wedding. And this comes up because we were at Kai's house the other week we're at Kai's mum's house the other week and it was on the news the royal wedding had just been announced

and they were interviewing people about the royal wedding and they found people who cared like these people were like oh I'm so excited I think it's going to be beautiful it's going to be great he's a good boy and I just know Diana's going to be looking down and she's excited, I'm like, you fucking muggle.

Looking up. I think, I think that kind of muggery is people who take like a worldwide event and just make it about themselves a little bit. Like, I think this will be, and it's just like, but no,

no, because you know what? I agree it's muggery. It's like, it's like the, um, it's like Eurovision, right?

Eurovision itself is muggery, but I've evenvision, right? Eurovision itself is muggly, but I've even been dragged along to some Eurovision parties, and it's just people go along there to take the piss out of the thing. My family had a last royal wedding. All my family got together because we were like, should we just get shit-faced? Ironically, it's still muggly. It's still muggly, but you get it right.

But that's the second wave, which is still muggly. But my point is, how fucking muggly is the original people actually get around do you actually care what's just going to be people absolutely fucking do oh they can't stop talking about it if that's going in which i agree it should all the people who like a few people i'll know will be going like why are we having another royal right and just keep yelling and yelling and then they'll bring up the price of this. Anyone who gives any form of shit. Right, yeah, good. Because those people, I'm like,

well, yeah, man, it's happening and your Facebook post ain't going to change it. Yeah, yeah. Sign a petition, do something. But even then, we're not going to get rid of the monarchy. Yeah, just seethe quietly. Or do it on a podcast like we do. Or be excited about it quietly.

You get a day off out of it. No, even if you're excited about it quietly like it's yeah look I'm barely excited about your wedding like I can't give a shit what Natalie's gonna fucking wear are you not excited to see what I'm wearing you should be because you're wearing the same thing

oh we both get married we're in the same that's not what happens when you get married you wear the same thing to the person you're marrying we're in the same that's not what happens when you get married you wear two sticks to the person you're marrying you're in the same rooms party I thought you meant we were all in like the same kilt

I was wearing the same dress and I had a bunch of them no no I meant like you and me in one kilt you and me in like like we're doing that

shake and join twin movie with Owen Wilson and the other one so we're going to wear tartan dish dashes alright no yeah like because I'm excited for your wedding mainly because like the parties we're going to wait there tartan dish dashes no yeah because I'm excited

for your wedding mainly because the parties you're going to be excited about everyone's out there I'm going to know everyone at this

wedding it's a beach party it's a beach party in Ibiza with all my best male friends all my best female friends

my mum and dad are going to be there we're all going to have the time of fucking life it's such a good crew do I give a fuck

what Natalie's waiting for do i give a fuck what natalie's waiting do i get all me she can she can walk down and track it i'm not going to give a fucking i'm munted so like if you care about the dress of a wedding you're not even attending what level of what's just happened now is natalie will be listening to this bit of the podcast Just pause it And she's going to go have an argument She had a fucking chance for me to give a shit

About her wedding dress When we were in Glastonbury Because she was there with me, Ricketts and Kai We're all absolutely hammered And Natalie She comes up to me, Ricketts, and Kai, right? We're all absolutely hammered. And Natalie, she comes up to me and she goes, Danny, I think I've chosen my wedding dress, right? Now, I'm like, I love weddings. I'm not going to lie.

I'm one of those muggers. This is deep water, but I'm going in. No, but I'm like, fuck it. I'm a good friend. You're excited about this thing. I want to be excited about this thing with you. Like, it's great. So she showed me.

And I'm like oh that's that's great the way the back is all this stuff I know my fashion a bit I know what to say I'm like it's a really nice dress the second

I can't even remember what girl it was Georgie Donnelly Georgie Donnelly turned up Natalie hadn't even said hello just midway through me giving her all this

she went oh Georgie and just I was out of the conversation right reverse reverse sexism exists my favourite bit of that was oh, Georgie! And just, I was out of the conversation. Right? Reverse, reverse sexism exists.

My favourite bit of that was, I know about fashion a little bit. Oh, a little bit. Like, I don't wear the stuff myself, but like, I can appreciate, like,

if something looks good, I'll be like, oh, that's fine. Is that because you're planning on opening sweatshops? Do you know what happened as well? Five minutes after that, so she showed Georgie Donnelly

coming back down exactly where she sat, right? She was chatting to me for a bit and then you hadn't moved or she hadn't spoken to you since the wedding dress mugging. Oh. And she just turned to me

and went, where's Donnie? I think he's where he was when you mugged him off. Yeah, so... He's still there. He's not recovered. He's still in shock. He's still gobsmacked.

All right, so so Natalie if you yeah I know you were upset earlier when I said I didn't give a shit about your wedding but that's exactly why you had your chance I'm still hurt

but these that's my point though like I'm so excited about the wedding but that is a wedding I'm attending but even there's parts of that wedding

that I've been at weddings where I don't give a fuck about any part of it right I'm just like I'm just here because I like the person

but I don't like the person you're marrying but it's not in my position if I. I'm just like, I'm just here because I like the person, but I don't like the person you're marrying, but it's not in my position for what I can say. But blah, blah, blah, I'm just here for the drink. There are people... He shoved Matt in the corner. He shared Tyrone's hair. Sorry, I thought

this was a therapy. I'm just saying that this is the perfect time as any to practice my best man speech. Test the waters. He's going to come on and do the same thing. Forever hold your

peace, grub's crotch. I was about to bring up something there, but we have to save it for Sunday's podcast,

Monday's podcast. But yeah, I'm assuming this is straight in. There surely could not be much debate. And I totally agree with you. The people that are angry about it, I get your anger. I'm in this is straight and there surely cannot be much debate and I totally agree with you the people that are angry

about it I get your anger I'm in the corner for the anger because I've just I'm on the second wave of mugglery here but

yeah I agree so mine was just go into handshakes as a rule and like see what's muggly within handshakes but the one I want to

put forward is the people that hold onto your hand for far too long in a handshake. They grip your hand and then start talking and then don't let go of your hand.

Me and Eli are going to shake hands. I'll say, now you tell me when it's too long. Right, okay. So, do it like a proper greeting. So, hello. Right, shaking hands. Right, you've done a little wobble. It's already getting awkward, right? Some people go on longer than this. You just kissed your hand yeah you felt the need you felt the need to do something you felt the awkwardness you had to do something to get i reckon one of the good ways to get some

of the strokes is this the stroke yeah it's just probably strong do you ever have it where you no i'm not from croydon where you go into a handshake with someone and they go to do um a fist bump and you accidentally like grab the oh yeah and then have you ever had it as well where you go to do a handshake with someone and they immediately think you know all that and they're like tickety tickety stuff you can't call them no no no no no no hold on last time the podcast tweets come in accusing me of being dumb I don't need him coming in accusing me of being racist

no you mean like all the like switching the hand position doing a little click at the end of it the next time I'm on this podcast I don't want it to start with I really really

regret what I said on the last no just yeah when they do like they'll do a yeah they'll bring it in they'll bring it in

you've got a fist bumper you've got to do the little airplane you do the squid what the squid oh the squid they're like exploding

is that you call that a squid no no no squid boom boom what are you doing man what are you doing leave your fist there I'm doing the squid right

that's not that is I couldn't get my head around that and I mean that was good for the podcast listeners so exactly what went on so well what were they click and handshake.

I don't mind them. I don't even mind them. As long as you, if you're going to bring me into one of those, right, you've got to lead the dance, right? You know I know handshake, and you know I know Facebook. Turn it into a hug if you want.

Like, yeah, turn it into a hug maybe. But if you're going to, you've got to lead the charge. Grab me by the waist, treat me like a woman. I'll lead you back. I like the one where you overshoot it and grab each. Grab me by the waist, treat me like a woman. I'll lead you back. I like the one where you're overshooting, grab each other's wrists,

you feel like a Viking for a second. And then you look up and you just say, it's Colin from Accounting. I'm not a Viking. I've never, what, you mean the... Like an overshoot, like, yeah.

Aye. Peace be with you, brother. Aye. But the, because nobody likes a soft handshake as well. Nobody likes the over the top handshakes which is like saying dominance

but what I hate the most is people that have figured out over the top means dominance so they apply a level of dominance where it's an underhand where they're like

you can be dominant in this handshake and it's like an underhand handshake you're just like oh stop thinking it's free turn the hand sideways

stop house of cards saying a handshake how much do you think about handshakes no no it's disgusting is that yeah that's what people do

I've never had anyone you've seen someone come over the top before you're just like whether you mean that or not over the top is just someone that thinks of alpha

it's dominance it's basic psychology I'm not looking deep into it that's why I'm not stuck to keeping up with it but sometimes people come under because they know about that and have thought it through. Fuck, so that's like a...

Nobody comes under naturally. Yeah. That's nobody's natural disposition. So it's... That's them just going, I'm going to let him come over. Yeah. Okay, I never really realised that was that. It's like, you know when you hold hands with a girl or a boy.

I don't know about that. Yeah, but if you hold hands hands so if you now hold hands see because my hand's forward that's normally the sort of dominant one there my right hand's over your left one so it's the leading one

so I'm the one that's able to punch like that's I always do find it and this is a weird bit of like sexism I know that's in me right but it's so minor

but like see if I'm with a girl and she does it over my hand I go eh no it's such a dumb it's such a dumb visceral reaction but if a girl grabs I don't mean she grabs my hand I go eh nah it's such a dumb it's such a dumb visceral reaction but if a girl grabs

my hand I don't mean she grabs my hand from behind right and I'm joking I would say as it should be but I don't know

why I think that I don't know why that's such a horrible natural instinct in me I've got an ingrained one too that if a girl says they can beat me

in a computer game I'll instantly just be like there's not a chance this dumb bit of sexism you'd have to totally prove this and then I'd have to begrudgingly go, yes, you are. I'm not going to just,

like, you know, if any of you guys tell me about computer games, I'm like, fuck, there's a chance that they are. But any girl that I've ever met, if any of them said they were better than me,

I'd need proof. I wouldn't even for a second entertain it. It's such a dumb, yeah, yeah, it's, yeah, because whenever you grew up I grew up playing

computer games with all my guy friends and that's probably because we were young and we did invite the girls around to play I have played

computer games with girls before that are into computer games I've always been remarkably better than them even the ones

that I gave them I've been I've been I'm yet too I've been absolutely fucking gupped through the floor and it's very

do you remember that time we actually did this in fucking Lithuania two years ago we were in a bar in Vilnius and there was a foosball table right and again this is such a perfect medicine to our inbuilt fucking stupid dumb like sexism

two girls were like we'll play at foosball and they were like oh so we'll like we'll do one of us one year and they're like no us VU and we're

like all right okay Elliot I cannot tell you how much we no goals from us I'm talking 10-0 and these games they were key PRPs right they're

pinging overhead flicks and me and him just laughing on everyone rightfully laughing at us right because they could see the bravado in us

we were like here we go all the destruction it was the funniest thing to watch they were even letting us do spinzies

yeah they were just letting us be like here's the ball run it one of them somehow managed to get the little

man off the thing to run around skip past the player one of them scored with a diving header he's saying for man you yeah that's yeah something on you yeah

that's yeah that is a yeah that's probably that was dumb it was like we were just like absolute dumb inherent

I need to deal with this sexism that exists in my head is there anything better than that moment where you like or must be better

to watch than like a guy being all bravado-y just being absolutely destroyed at something like I had it once in that arcade we sometimes go in

in London there was a girl and I saw her and I was like do you want a game of air hockey and she absolutely destroyed me

in front of my mates like it shouldn't even be noteworthy it shouldn't be noteworthy it absolutely shouldn't be noteworthy

the reason it's noteworthy is because I went in there like after she got the first two I was like oh I'll play got the first two I was like oh I'll play properly now and then she I was like

I'm playing properly and I can't win and you can see me go from like bravado to sort of like alright let's try concentrate to panic

that's why it's really funny I think that's something we should all agree to try and fix about ourselves yeah totally what my air hockey skills yeah we gotta got to make sure

that we're better than all the girls that's the only lesson we learn from this like the only lesson we learn from this is we've got to be better than girls

yeah like when we were going to a gig the other day and my dad was getting Call of Duty and we knew he was going to be up playing on it

and we were like oh I can't wait to play Call of Duty with my dad when I get in like why is it so inconceivable that there could have been a reality we're like oh I can't wait to play Call of Duty with my dad when I get in like why is it so inconceivable that Ash could have there could have been a reality

where I'm going I can't wait to get in and play Call of Duty with my mum and dad but that would seem so weird to me for my mum to play in it but why? like why?

I think that's more a generational thing yeah I think that's generational even now like I wasn't like oh I can't wait to get home and play Call of Duty with Natalie like she's not going to do it

but I think it's also down to it's what we discussed and I know that's just them as Natalie like she's not going to do it but I think it's also down to what we discussed I know that's just them as an individual yeah that's them as an individual but I also do think it's the fact that like a lot of the games are

like especially the generation we grew up boys just naturally went to it because it was more sort of like that was do you think this is I think it will but I think there was

obviously we all know there's like the way you pitch toys to children like Barbies are for girls and Kens are for boys there was a point we could not i can see what you're about to say about and they pitch video games but i think games like okay not to say there aren't girls that play Call of Duty but games like Call of Duty are definitely aimed

towards like majority guys but there's more strategy there's games like League of Legends and stuff and computer games that are no

load which are way harder games but I think that's the generation that's coming through because now because we're now becoming more aware of like all

the different types of sexism and I think you've got the generation of girls who are obviously sick of being told this is for girls this is for boys I reckon the next generation i will not be surprised even that i'm

not surprised genuinely the amount of times i've had my ass kicked computer games but i think that is just this generation i hope i see that level out i'd love to do you reckon that's like our generation's thing of like or maybe not mine but the generational thing of like oh women can't drive when they actually are called safer drivers safer drivers and like we've just yeah yeah we've just naturally gone like oh they can't play video games and then it's just gonna turn out they're better yeah yeah yeah i absolutely given more chance to play it more like more push towards it yeah and also yeah just the opportunity to be allowed to play these things like to to have to step into something that was obviously male dominated at the start to step into that it's

got to be like that's got to take proper fucking spunk isn't there something about like i know like fifa and that that this is the worst thing by the way three white men talking about feminism but doesn't like the whole thing of fifa like when me and you play fifa it is such a like guy the guy locking horn macho just chatting shit like stupidity like i can understand yeah toxic masculinity i can understand when like girls do something like that they can go fifa and stuff so shoot because it's just so aggressive i reckon that's another bit of i reckon that's another bit of shitty deep sexism is i reckon because i've not i've not played a girl i'll probably have to go on fifa

but i don't have my mic in for fifa and no one has their mic in for fifa online but i reckon like when I do I love trash talking I reckon I might not I'd like to think I would trash talk a girl but part of me is like I don't know if

I might stutter or I might stutter like with the trash talking she's there going I said that to your mum you know when you were saying you get pushed towards different things as a kid

right like girls get pushed towards skipping and as a boy I was never encouraged to skip and then you start going to boxing gyms

and fighting gyms and you have to skip immediately like where's my fucking base skipping why did I get scared away from that

why do women not have better footwork that was one thing that annoyed me when I took up boxing or something I was like all those years

in the playground I could have just bypassed if I'd just done the skipping you could have been working on your footwork in a car

and hanging out with chicks you wasted your childhood the first two months of any sort of striking based thing is skipping and it's just you not being able

to skip properly I really wish I was a better dancer when I'm in clubs I don't dance because I can't dance because when I was young I was like

I'm not going to learn to dance dancing's for girls I genuinely regret that I fucking hate that I wish I'm not going to learn how to dance because dancing is for girls I genuinely regret that I fucking hate that I wish I could fucking dance because I can Scottish country dance

because they forced us to Scottish country dance all the way from primary school and high school I don't know what he's getting for Christmas no right it's going to come up at your wedding and I'm going to know all the dances and I'm really glad because I know that form of dancing I feel comfortable but yeah the fact when I was a kid I was like no I'm'm not going to dance dances for girls and now i can't i'm a grown man who is uncomfortable on a fucking dance floor because seven-year-old me was a sexist

talk about the fucking butterfly effect they're for girls too i did i did a b-tech in performing arts which again is why i'm really smart and we had to learn how to do South African gumboots dancing I remember learning at the time in like year 9 and thinking this is never ever ever ever ever ever ever going to help me in life teach me how to I went into this thing going

this will teach me how to dance I learnt nothing to do with dancing no soldier boy not the Macarena you're opening and closing dance at your wedding nothing to do with dancing. No soldier boy, not the Macarena. You're opening and closing dance at your wedding. I've walked around Natalie several times

practising the YMCA. I would love your first dance to be soldier boy. Dancing is prohibited at our wedding. No, yeah. No dancing. What?

It's a no dancing wedding. What do you mean? It's what I'd be for. It's a Muslim wedding.. What do you mean? It's Ibiza. It's a Muslim wedding. Oh. They like to dance. You're allowed to dance, you dickhead. Oh, right.

You're genuinely concerned. I was thinking, like, there's nothing... At least mum's going to be dancing. Not you, though. Oh, she's got standards. Right, so, shall we go back through those ones?

So my one was, muggles give any type of shit about the royal engagement. Yeah. Crossfit. Crossfit. And various types of handshakes that you can CrossFit CrossFit and various types of handshakes various types of handshakes

aye then also yeah I think we should all cut the corner for it and also any fucking stupid ingrains if you if you

if you cut yourself a grain with any of our damn sexism there and you pick out let's all be fair and go in the corner I do that aye aye

we'll admit all the things we said were muggles we'll go stand in the corner for several minutes why people die because they need to be bred out Aye Aye

You need that mental behaviour Bred out So we need to We need to get old Aye And to all the women We'll try better We're sorry

Damn right And I'm going to nail air hockey Aye Aye Right Let's get rid Let's get rid of all our toxic masculinity By your dad jokes

Okay I've only got eight That's fine. It's all right, we'll move on. Elliot, your dad lost his limbo championship belt because he kept getting a boner. Kai, your dad left your mum for a girl he met on RuneScape. Elliot, your dad kicked off with a woman for feeding a child in Starbucks. She was feeding a child with a bottle, but he goes in there for the tits. Elliot.

Kai, your dad's phone facial recognition only recognises him if he's crying. He's never had a problem. Sometimes it unlocks while he sleeps. Danny, your dad has a Winger Out tattoo. Elliot, your dad has a winger out tattoo Elliot your dad washes the dishes with his feet

Elliot your dad's twitter pic is of an egg not the twitter egg an actual egg taken on a disposable camera which he then got

developed and scanned into his computer and then uploaded to twitter it's his favourite egg Kai your dad decided he wants to become a road man and keeps sending me texts saying I should holler at him because he's got the dank.

It's a very London your dad joke. Your dad checks himself out in the mirror and probably looks himself down just so he doesn't wreck himself. Elliot, your dad hates eggs. your dad hates eggs so we're gonna need a second Danny

yeah your dad's twitter bio reads as heard about on Sloss and Humphreys on the road DM for direct bookings your dad was speechless when he was asked to describe himself in one word.

He should have just said speechless. Kai, your dad kites with his teeth. Kai, whenever your dad meets a black person, he attempts to fist bump them and say wah-wah. When girls tell your dad they just want to be friends He says great and still tries to kiss them Because that's what he does with his friends Kai Your dad is available in all good toy stores Danny your dad thinks he's funny

Because he wears his this is what a feminist looks like T-shirt to a strip club Elliot your dad Sleuths officers with both hands at once Elliot your dad wears a cone officers with both hands at once. Elliot, your dad wears a cone to stop him licking other people's stitches.

Kai, your dad chose... What? Oh, I can't read. I'll do this one. Kai, what's easier to read? Your dad built

a man cave but a bear started hibernating in it. Have you not done that one already? No. I've definitely heard that. Someone else might have in it. Have you not done that one already? No. I've definitely heard of that. Someone else might have done it.

No, it's something I threw in a WhatsApp group. Your dad relaxes by putting his feet in one foot spa, his hands in another foot spa and then watching TV on all fours. Elliot, your dad's got a snaggle tooth on his arse. What's a snaggle tooth?

It's one of those teeth that stick out your cums. Oh. Danny, your dad chose chat shit, get banged as his safe word, and that's why he's now got crutches. Your dad's just spreading his tea. Kyle, your dad's got a boobie like a woodpecker.

Drills into trees looking for grubs The only thing your dad Fails his teeth down to a point to try and make him look medicine Alright Thank you to everyone that's come seeing us on tour You were all great Apart from you Hemel Hempstead Genuinely one of the best series we've had

In fact the best series we've had Apart from you Hemel Hempstead Can't wait to come back next year To everywhere plus more Except you genuinely one of the best series we've had, in fact, the best series we've had apart from you, Hamel Hampstead. Can't wait to come back next year to everywhere, plus more, except you, Hamel Hampstead. If you listen to this now, you can come... LAUGHTER If you listen to this on the date of its release, which is now,

me and Daniel are both going to be at the Soho Theatre, one of us at 9 o'clock, me me and one of us at 9.30 you so just go between them or just book a seat for your phone and just put it on FaceTime on one of the chairs, put one headphone in just get both or just come into one of our rooms and put a glass to the wall

and listen to that and then we're doing Punch Drunk Nottingham and Punch Drunk... Northumberland. Aye, just coming in here. So we're going to be 11th and 12th in Nottingham, and we're going to be 17th in my solo show in Morbeth, and then in Blythe with Daniel Sloss, Nick Cody,

and Ian Sterling is going to be in Cramlinton on the 18th, Blythe on the 19th, and then Ashington on the 20th. Steele, what are you up to? Just like my Twitter Elliot Steelcom Facebook got a couple videos coming and oh yeah

I'll have some stuff in the new I'm not going to be on the podcast then because I've got 60% but yeah just Facebook and Twitter no no no

you will be on because you have to come back on the podcast and then you will be on I'll get 60% like I mean you won't you won't

we'll make them harder bye cunts