Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #8 Two Woke Cucks

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

Back in April 2018 Cream was in Australia without Muggins and bashed out this hilarious Podcast with Cameron James, we think you'll love it.   Original Text: Guess who's back, back again, Sloss is back, tell your face. Still in Melbourne Austaya, this time with debut guest but all time legend Cameron James, sticking it to pseudo feminists and discussing the dangers of the inverted 69. Amongst many other important topics you're finally ready to hear.

So flashback number eight and I'm doing an intro again. I didn't do an intro on yesterday's podcast. That's because I was on a train and I tried to do one, but I got self-conscious because people on the train were looking at us and I was like, hey, flashback number seven. And the people were just looking at us like it was crazy. And now I'm just doing an extra long intro because I'm not even on this podcast. I'm flashing you back to April 2018 where Daniel was in Australia. He was joined by Cameron James. You might have heard the podcast Finding Drago. That's where you might know Cameron James from. Or that he's a fantastic comedian. You might know him from stage.

But if you don't know him, now you do. He's joining Daniel on this fantastic rerun called Two Woke Cooks. Enjoy it! Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.

Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Away in the same seats. That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental red job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or a much-needed cynical. Muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Good morning, and you are listening to Two Woke Cucks with Daniel Sloss and Cameron James. We're the two workers' cucks in the biz, baby. We're just here to just let you know, one, how woke we are, and two, how fine I am with men railing my wife. I'm super fine with it.

It's oppressive for me to not let my wife gargle other men's cum. Well, that's how I think about it. I think that it's a feminist act to let her honestly just cop a full load of cum right up the old baby leg. That's what the suffragettes threw themselves in front of horses for. Exactly. I've not read the books or the theory. That's not what woke cucks do.

I've read a couple of headlines from articles retweeted and I've just pieced my opinions together based off of those. Yeah, I've read several tweets and I've faved all of them. I've not retweeted them. No.

Because that would be sexist, I think. Yeah, and also I don't want my bros to know. It's got to be. I do think that is one of the most passive-aggressive things as a comedian you could do is to like someone's tweet and not being like look i liked it yeah but i know my people won't the worst thing you can do is when you you see that it's been four hours and it's only got a handful of likes and then you just give it one four hours later so they get that notification

but it's just been retweeted just a reminder that they have their tweet bombed yeah it's just been retweeted. Just a reminder that their tweet bombed. It's like they've been in a mad match where it's like, witness me, witness, this tweet is dying. Do you delete tweets? The only time, and this is a real shit hype, the only time I've ever deleted tweets was when I was tweeting about how much I hated fucking people. Like how sad I think it is that people reply to Donald Trump. Oh, yeah.

And no matter what, he doesn't read them. His people don't read them. Your fans, they're not funny. And then I realized that like back in 2001 when I first got Twitter, like I really went after Donald Trump.

Oh, really? Just angry 21-year-old me. Just fucking being like, you fuck. So you went back through the timeline and deleted some old shit uh yeah yeah just there because i was like because they were also just like they were just really not fucking funny oh but that's the thing when you're young and you have twitter and you you all you know about it is that you have direct line of access to a celebrity or something that's all you do i'm pretty sure if I went back through my timeline,

it would just be me replying to comedians with just lol and stuff like that. Just with, like, the favorite buttons there, but you wanted to add a personal level to it. Yeah, like I would have saved a Ricky Gervais tweet and then written, like, LMAO and then a smiley face or something. What the fuck?

It's humiliating. It really is. Like, I always think if I could get a time machine i wouldn't go back in time and then kill hitler i would just go back i would honestly just beat the fuck out of myself just because i want the old me to get to current me way faster oh god he needs the cynicism beat into him yeah i really want to go back to the time when uh just like i would genuinely stand on instead of just doing material that was like you know woke like pro-feminist or pro-gay rights just doing the material and let it speak for himself instead of opening all of those jokes

with so i'm a feminist and uh did you ever do that oh yeah oh yeah like 22 23 read a couple of caitlin moran books yeah i need to say this funny joke but i need everyone to like me first yes i'll fucking yeah paint it up in a really pretty way yeah as opposed to me just going just do material and i have people then decide whether you're a feminist or a massive racist because i've only known you you in your current form. And I think it's your final form. Yeah, I'm done. I'm nearly done. You're perfect.

Were you ever a bright-eyed, happy, full of optimism? What are you trying to say? When you were young in comedy, were you ever starstruck by people? Yeah, I think when I was like 17 18 i was so thrilled to like just be in the business um and you know yeah yeah i don't think it was ever fucking beaten out of me i guess i just dropped the act like the second the second the second i got to a stage of my career where my levels of kindness to people would not affect my career, I'm like, oh, it's all unnecessary. It's the equivalent of when you've been with a girl for a couple of years and you no longer have to dress up around them. You don't have to shave as much.

They've stopped waxing. You're like, this is us. This is who I really am. It's all been a facade up until now. I've been lying through my fucking teeth to you for years. I can't believe you did woke material like that. That's so brave of you.

I went through my angry 22, 23-year-old atheist stage because, Cameron, religion is stupid and people mention it. No shit, dude. You're talking to the fucking king of atheism.ism yeah that's well it's

Ricky Gervais alright yes so sad that he passed away I know it's real it's real shit

it's real shit this is how people find out I guarantee at least one of these fucking idiots googled it I guarantee

at least one of them fucking did you morons anyway I'll introduce you to the podcast properly. It's Cameron James. Thanks for having me on the podcast.

Thanks for coming on. So tell us about yourself. Listen. Just like buzzwords. Who are you? What is... I'm here. I'm queer.

I'm queer. And I'd love a beer. Get used to me. I'm not queer, but I may as well be. Same as you, actually. Man, at this stage, like, you know, I don't know. I don't know if I'm at this stage now. I don't know what it would take for me to, you know, those, like,

I know so many comedians have done bits on this, but like, would you suck a dick for like $10,000? I'm like, you can pay me to do most things I don't want to do because I'm financially stable, so none of those things work for me. Like, unless it's, like, billions upon billions. But at this point, like, no, no, no. Would I suck a dick for a dare? Would you suck a dick for warmth?

For warmth? It's like whiskey. It's like when they were going down in the Titanic and the bar ran out of whiskey they all just started being like boys it's the only warm thing we all got left

they all just had to suck off the guys in steerage yeah that's the that's Titanic Uncut I would love to watch that movie

yeah floating on the on the door out in the ocean it was one of the like suck my dick rolls come on it'll go come on I'm done you're on the door out in the ocean. It was one of the, like, suck my dick rolls.

Come on, it'll go, come on, I'm done, you're on the fucking thing. But I guess she couldn't suck his dick because, like,

he'd have to get up on the thing and then she'd be a bit under the, Yeah, and that's not feminist. It's not, like,

it's not. They should have both been on it, they should have both. 69 could have worked. That's true. Yeah, you know. And that's my favourite position. It's not. Like, it's not. They should have both been on it. They should have both. 69 could have worked. That's true. Yeah. And that's my favorite position.

It's real good. It's real good. Use it. Let's talk about the 69. Okay. Because there's one way in which 69 is amazing, and that is obviously, oh, I'm not going to make it fucking sexy, but like, man on the back and the woman on top. Because they've just got like a face full of pussy.

The ass is there. It's all great. Yeah. And you know, it's also, it's always, who's a mystery. I know,

I know who I think is sucking my dick, but I can't see a Nork in the farm. Maybe this is, maybe it's Ashton Kutcher. Maybe I'm being punked. There's no way to check. I don't know who's down there. I trust the girl that I'm with that she's not brought.

Yeah. Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Kutcher. You know, would I be starstruck? Would I be annoyed? Questions about Ashton. I always feel like the other version of 69 is just when you're plugging. You mean the other way around?

Yeah. Like, go lying down in your tub where you're just plugging the bath and you're not sure if she's alive yeah I'm not because if you're on top it's not across my mind to go on top I've done it sometimes

and I'm like this is like this can because the girl's been like you go on top I'm like there's no this is very bad

it's dangerous it's real bad because like if you're if you're on top and I have one of those spasms where my hips go up,

I'm just knocking your head back. Whereas if your head's on the couch or the thing and I, boom, that is. The exit wound's bigger than the entry wound. Yeah, exactly. You come right through the other side. No, I couldn't handle that. Like when I come in it, it's just like that bit in Wolverine where he fills her full of the adamantium and it starts coming out of her eyes.

I can't do that to the woman I love. And I never would. No. Plus, you know, look, I know a fair bit about making chicks cum. You wrote the book on it. I did. I have a signed copy of it. Yeah.

And by the way, thanks for buying it and endorsing it. That's why you're on the podcast. Sorry for two of those pages stuck together. But I come in, I personally come in every time. Yeah, and it's all the pages, it's the chapter about how to make him come. And it's clearly just so good. You'll never get to read it, but this is proof that it works. Because all these pages are stuck together.

I actually think it's probably better for her if she's on top of you 69 star because then she just can fucking grind down on your tongue. It's a lot easier than you slamming into her throat and then also trying to jab your tongue. Yeah, it's not a... Yeah, you can't eat pussy upside down. No.

But it does get rid of hiccups. It's like instead of drinking water from the other side of the glass eat an upside down pussy I swear to god holy shit this is good stuff I need to write an updated version of my book I genuinely, here's another one of my sad

not sad when I was 22 years old I did read two books on not sad because it's kind of when i was um 22 years old i i did read two books on eating pussy because that's how low my ego was at that point i was like i've got to be the best at this two books yeah i had a girlfriend who um she was like please don't tell me she bought you the book no no no no we were we were together for a bit and uh she was like i don't come during sex and i was like what she was like i don't come to your sex i was like, I don't come during sex. And I was like, what? She was like, I don't come to his house. I was like, that's, I don't want, that's not,

wait a minute. Women can come. I was like, well, wait, all right. Neil deGrasse Tyson. All right.

Show me a little bit of evidence. Um, and yeah, I just, it became a proper challenge. I was like, she could only come from like going down on it. No,

not even that. She's like, she'd never, like she'd never had an orgasm before. i just that was like really she'd given herself an orgasm i don't think she had i think like i don't know what it maybe she had given herself one yeah maybe that was it maybe that's where my ego got really bruised like and that's that's what i think that's real shit because it wasn't just like, oh God, this is clearly, now that I've read the book, I understand, you know, it's mental for women as well. What it is, it's like, oh, she doesn't trust me enough to fully open up them fluids for me.

By the time I was like, fucking all right. I'm like the YouTube commenter that just is like first on all posts. Like that's what I wanted to be for her. So I read two books on uh eating pussy and holy shit fuck it they did work really oh mate what tricks did you pick up um oh i mean we could get to the real i'm gonna sound so dirty here but so that there are seven parts to the clitoris it's not just that it's not just the little bit on the thing okay that's like five percent of the the clitoris goes inside's not just the little bit on the thing. That's like 5% of it.

Oh, the clitoris goes inside? It goes through the back and down the sides. If you have the muscle of the clitoris, it looks like an alien fucking spaceship. It goes all the way through the back. It goes down through the fucking labia. It's the most sensitive bit on top. But the most sensitive part of the clitoris is

if you cut it down into two quarters, it's the upper right-hand quadrant, which is about the two o'clock position okay it's the most and the ideal amount of weight that you're meant to put on it at the start is the weight of two sheets of paper that's how sensitive it is that is sensitive yeah because our the clitoris and the penis actually when they're both the same bit it's but obviously obviously when you become a bloke, it turns into... It becomes an outie. It becomes an outie.

And when you become an innie, it goes on the inbits. Yeah. Alright, okay. So you actually studied biology? I did a little bit. You studied the clip? Yes. While you were at parties

I studied the clips and now that we're at the end of times you have the audacity to come to me for help two things I've studied, the katana and the clip and look I will never make those two art forms meet, I would not dare

why would you? I said two sheets of paper not something, the thickness of two sheets of paper designed for wounding more people. This is such a great insight into you that you read two books on how to... Because that's how my ego works. Like it's absolutely...

You're like, I need to win. I need to win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did. I mean, I need to win. I need to win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did. I mean, I would be lying if I said I hadn't read a lot of online articles when I was younger as well. Yeah. The first girlfriend I had when I was in high school, when we decided we were going to, you know, like, go down on each other and shit very early on. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

I'm coming around tonight. And then immediately went home and just Googled every tip you could possibly well you're literally googling like how to eat how to eat vagina and i got every fucking tip from every gq article yeah shit make the vowel sounds and all that stuff where do you make the vowel sound oh you like you make your tongue do the shape that it would make when you're doing different vowels like a i and all this kind of shit it's always when you but when you're doing it you're always at the edge of school and sometimes why sometimes why am i eating this pussy yeah i yeah i did the exact same thing it's such a young man thing because you ultimately i think we're fucking, uh, Mrs. Me semi back into my work. I think we are fucking intimidated when we're young.

Oh, because we, we, we're the generation that grew up in porn. So I'm just used to seeing women screaming with joy during sex. And obviously the first, that's not until you're in your late twenties, thirties,

this porn become, well, just sex becomes as depraved as it is the porn. Yeah. But, yeah, up until then, it's just everyone's nervous and they're obviously not making all the same noises. You're like, I must be bad at this. It's like you are smashing a hymen, buddy. They're just like, this is a real, they're not going to be screaming with joy at this point.

I know. Oh, my God. I remember yeah the first time you have sex it's so fucking quiet everyone's quiet everyone

yeah most of you are so silent just like trying not even to breathe yeah it's like it's tense

from the scenes it's a fucking like movies where just a bomb diffused oh yeah of course

I think my catchphrase during sex when I was younger was don't move. Like, you know that bit? There's always a little bit of like,

you're going good, you're getting good rhythm, you're about to cum and you're like, why did you stop? You're like, don't, don't,

we are on the brink right now. Like, this is, and they go, what? And you're like, oh, damn it.

Oh my God, so much of that. The first time I had sex, I don't think I even let go of the base of my dick. Oh, you're worried it was going to fall sex, I don't think I even let go of the base of my dick. Oh, you did? Were you worried it was going to fall off? I don't know what I thought was going to happen, but I guided it in

and then just never let go of it the whole time. One hand on the base of my dick, one hand on a tit for like four minutes and then that was it. It's like you're unlocking a safe. Like it. And I don't know why to this day I was holding was it. It's like you're unlocking a safe. And I don't know why to this day I was holding onto it.

I think I was just terrified something was going to happen. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. My first time, I still to this day don't know if my first time counts as sex. Oh, really? Just me and this girl, we were really, really drunk. And I thought the vag started way, way higher up the front than it did. I remember the fear and confusion when I was putting my hands on her pants. I was like, it should be here by now.

Oh, of course, yeah. Because it's under. It's under. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was like a dick and it was like on the front. Just a VHS slot on the front. Yeah. Like, like,

yeah, you, I thought you could literally just walk into each other and have sex. Because, yeah. And I remember just going to my like, what the fuck is this thing? Oh,

there it is. There it is. Oh, life change. Yeah. First time I fingered someone, I went too far down. I went right to the arsehole.

That is true. I went straight to the arsehole. Why did she not say anything? She did. Oh, okay. She did. Oh, a little higher. Did you miss it?

I don't know. I just was too excited. I think my hand went too far straight to the arsehole. I just was too excited. I think my hand went too fast. Straight into the arsehole. You just did the hand equivalent of the person who's missed their junction, just reversing down the freeway. Just refusing.

Whoops, sorry. And there it is. You're just like, no, look, I've missed the turnoff. I've got to, look, we've got to stay here. Oh, my God, yeah. That was my first time. I do think, think yeah like i i don't know what uh because obviously sex education i think everywhere it's very very bad even in the uk when it's decent the teacher yeah we i don't we didn't listen to it because first of all you're putting boys and

girls in the same room so we're all the girls are like the guys everything's gross to the guys because we've never considered the women they're probably giving their own things but guys are just like take a fucking condom on a fucking banana but they never teach you

how to fucking thumb it in yeah exactly just so you guys know this is going to make the banana worse yeah but it is better

for everyone there'll be no feeling in the banana yeah my god I know and apparently apparently the girls

get their own little talks about all sorts of shit that we don't get. I think, I think for a bit, like, they should be taught, like,

because there's way more to it, but I think the guys should also be taught about the girl stuff but separately, right? Yeah. Just so,

just so, I think it should be by a fucking guy that goes, right, it should be us doing it, right? Yeah.

Listen to your little fucks, right? Listen, there's seven parts seven parts to the clip yeah this is what you need to know right this is what you need to know right once a month they bleed if they're not pregnant they're going through a real shit time right but you can't fuck them on it get that out of your head right it's real good like it's fine it's like going and yeah it's like get blood on your sword it's like going to nam get blood on your sword. It's like going to Nam. Get blood on your sword? You've not heard it? I haven't heard that. I like that. Get blood on your sword, mate.

Oh, that's good. That's so medieval. It's really good. You're going to get that. Go slay a dragon. Yeah. Go into the cave and try... Look, it's fine.

You're going to get some injuries, but life experience, bro. Yeah. Also, I do want to teach them is the one best stand-up I've always wanted to do but I never can because it's exactly that it's just me being

too woke cuck which is teaching men start fucking banging feminists because feminists are filth they're filth the best sex I've ever had in my life,

consistently, is from, like, staunch fucking left-wing girls, because they're confident as shit, and in public, they want to be treated with respect, and some of them do not want that in the bedroom at all,

because it's the difference between fantasy and reality. Yeah. It's real good. It's a genuine... That's the best part about feminism is the fucking disgusting

sex involved it's real I remember the first time I was like she was like I want you to choke me and spit on me and I remember saying the words I was inside of her and I went my mother raised me better than that which is a mood killer for both, I may add.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it weren't for me, I wouldn't comment that much. Yeah, because I was talking about my mother. Who knows while I'm in the room? You're 16 and I'm the one she's tricked to blow you. Oh, no, I got pumped again. Oh, you're not Ashton Kutcher. This is the lower portion of it.

This is shit. No, come on. I'm just doing my own spin-off series in the UK. It's called Spunked. Yeah, it's my show where I basically get guys and their girlfriends and I get them to do the 69 position and then I come out and I blow the guy and then the car jumps off and I'm like yeah when they got upset I accused them of being home you got

spanked I call yeah homophobic and the real twist is there are no cameras I do have a patreon page though oh yeah yeah you got it so like for for $20 month I'll let I won't film it but what I will do is just as he before the reveal I'll put you on loudspeaker so that you can hear how angry he is for 50 I'll spit his load into a vial for you to do is you please it's not me oh no no no judgment possession is nine tenths of the law yeah and for a hundred you know100, I'll come round to your house. I'll do it. Okay.

For $100, you'll blow something. That's the lady's face. Yeah. Remember 20 minutes ago in this podcast, it was either a dare or $10,000. Within 20 minutes, I've gone down to $100 for a crime show that does not exist. Excellent. All right. Well, this is good to know about you to be honest actually uh do you reckon you'd be good at sucking dick i don't know i don't know because i reckon like i reckon like uh because i reckon like lesbians uh engaged they must be it must be

great because you're dealing with someone who's got the same amount of experience with that bit as you but lesbians must have the greatest sex and the same with fucking gay guys were like i know exactly when and how you want i agree with i agree like you they know that they know what a pussy is they deal with it every day much like us just smashing well not everything they've never they don't eat their own pussy so like they grow up eating their own pussy and then they're like i know exactly how to eat a pussy yeah but they all but they still know how like they've still got the experience of how gently you have to with a pussy as opposed to like when you're a guy for the first time being like what they know where the bits are exactly they didn't have to read a book they didn't have to read a book to find out

that the labia was sensitive as well that's true they know all that so they're like in the same way that like I'd never have to read I've had good blowjobs

and bad blowjobs yeah but it's just I reckon it's the enthusiasm I think I'd be able to do it efficiently I'd definitely be able to make the guy cum

pretty quick but I don't think I'd be particularly I don't think he would look back on that and he's spank bank. No, absolutely not.

No, no, no, no. He probably would never go. That was one of the great blowjobs. Yeah. I would never be able to do all the stuff that I like.

I would never be able to like give eye contact. No, I'd find that too awkward. Yeah. If he touched the back of my head, I would, and him so much. I'm like,

I'm doing it. I just say to him, do you play golf? Yeah. If I did eye contact, And him so much. I'm like, I'm doing it. I decide how deep I go. Yeah. If I did eye contact, I'd have to do some sarcastic look. Just an eye roll? Yeah, just an eye roll or go cross-eyed or something. Just an eye roll and then come up and be like, oh, Mondays.

Yeah, I'd turn it into a bit. Yeah. I'd be like, I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, Jesus. That is another thing I think, like, I can't believe we're doing this. Oh, Jesus. That is another thing I think, like, the reason for sex education before.

Do you remember when sex became fun? Do you remember the first time you fucked someone and you started laughing during it or making jokes?

Oh, yeah, of course. That's when it's good. Not laughing at them. No, no, no. Laughing with them or inside of them. Just like when it's funny and you're both

having a good time. I love that, yeah. Or when you make them laugh so hard during sex that they laugh you out. Like, because when's funny and you know, you're both having a good time. I love that. Yeah. Or when you make them laugh so hard during sex that they laugh you out like because when they laugh they just go whoop. Yeah.

It's like just the bouncer of her vagina went, come on. I remember thinking because when you're young you think sex has to be so serious and like you've just got,

you've got to be a bit of like fucking romantic and cheesy. Which it can be. It can be. Those are the moments that it's the difference between making love

and fucking not to be smart to making love because if you find your fucking soulmate someone you must have been to

as walking as cocky as it sounds making love can be the test you can make love but also you can fuck your soulmate

oh you can rail them and they can rail you like they can I mean not let's have a strap on whatever you're fucking into but just yeah like they can really like they could I mean not let's have a strap on whatever you're fucking into but just yeah like they can just make you feel like oh all right well I'm glad you were the only person in my life that ever saw any of that oh yeah oh god yeah when that that's the good thing about fucking your soulmate is that they are sworn to secrecy the shit that you say

and do and yeah it's not like it's not like a one night stand where the girls can go back and if you've done something weird to your incest like I fucked this guy the other night he did something so fucking weird your soulmate can't say that

to her friends because her friends will be like you've chosen to fuck that forever yeah exactly I know shame and embarrassment

also how much they enjoyed it I know they'll never I've got stuff that will die with my wife yeah just yeah and as sad as you'll be the day your wife I know. I've got stuff that will die with my wife. Yeah. And as sad as you'll be the day your wife dies,

there will be one part of you that goes, I mean, I've got nothing to worry about anymore. That's the one witness gone. It's like clearing the Google search history. That is what it is. Yeah. Like when I die, don't clear my browser history. Just swear my wife to silence cut her fucking tongue out

right she's make her whatever you have to do cut off her hands I don't want to write in a blog either oh my god exactly

I'll tell you I found actually I wanted to tell you about this last time I was down here in Melbourne I met these two dudes

at a gig I did a gig called Spleen which you've done a, I met these two dudes at a gig. I did a gig called Spleen, which you've done a bunch of times. These two guys were talking to me. They gave me their business card, which I've hung on to. And as you can see, their business is called Party Boys. Oh, and the tagline is Party Tours. And I'm not going to turn it over yet.

It's just black. It's matte black. It's matte black there's no they're like no no no not balloons it's not that type of party it's an adult kind of party turn the card over you can see that they've got both their names they're both called Anthony

and both their mobile numbers Both their mobile numbers. Both their mobile numbers. And I'm not going to, I won't give it out, but it's something at partyboys.co. Yeah. So I got chatting to these boys. They are exactly the type of characters that we play from time to time. Real woke, cuck, party boy guys who like to, they run this business called party boys, party tours.

And what they do is they go around to every hostel and backpackers in Melbourne and just invite all the girls onto a big pub crawl to different clubs around the city. And I said to them straight within about 30 seconds of meeting them, I went, did you guys start this business to get pussy? And they both went to high five me at the same time oh my god they were like 1920 or something like these young boys uh and that's all they do they're like bro you can't honestly

these chicks it's just so good we show them a good time and then we give them our numbers and then we just fuck them it's so good oh god these are legends anyway i wanted to know if they still existed so i went on partyboys.co the other day and the website has been taken down no but they've started a new business and now in a uh they've started a gourmet donut business i won't give out the name of it no fuck it i will it's called jammed it's called j-a-double-m-apostrophe-d no yeah so they're still a bit sexual like they've grown up from trying to fuck girls in hostels and now they've gone to the uh the the carbohydrate version of women yeah exactly pastry with holes pastry with holes and i imagine i don't know anything about jam,

but I imagine they do pop-up stores at like different food festivals and shit and now they're just trying to fuck like, I don't know, women in their 30s,

I guess. Yeah. They've moved up a little bit from 19-year-olds to 30-year-olds. I love it. I'm obsessed with this. I feel,

we should try and get party boys out of retirement and then just properly invite them to a sausage fest. And just the whole time, but it's called Party Boys. Yeah, we thought that those, you just show boys a good time.

Oh, you should maybe join our company. It's called Party Boys, but we spell boys, B-O-I-Z. Yeah. Because we are, and party is spelled with seven A's. Party Boys. Yeah, not the N's. No, not Party Boys. and party spelled with seven A's party boys yeah not the N's

not party boys party boys party boys it's a bit piratey yeah it is you should invite the party boys to your next FIFA tournament and like get them to organise

catering and shit and with their fucking donuts I can't guarantee they've not fucked I genuinely but I went on their I looked both of them up on Facebook shit. Yeah, well, and with their fucking donuts. Yeah, I can't guarantee they've not fucked. I genuinely can't. But I, I went on their, I looked both of them

up on Facebook. They're both called Anthony, which I love, and they have pretty, uh, defined last names.

Do you reckon they have a, because they're both called Anthony, do you reckon they, like, have nicknames

for themselves? He's like, he's on one Armand too, or he's Tony and Armand. Of course they've done that. And together, so he, Arm like, he's on one, I'm on two. Of course. Or he's Tony and I'm on. Of course they've done that. And together. So he,

I'm on, he's Tony. And together, we're Anthony. They would have had so many catchphrases to get women to remember the game.

They call us Anthony squared. Yeah. Oh God. The two Tonys. There's so much of it. I went, I looked them both up on Facebook.

One of them, he's one of the Anthony's. Which one? He says, I can't remember. Anthony or Tony. Tony two, I looked them both up on Facebook. One of them, he's one of the Anthony's. Which one? I can't remember. Tony 2, I think. Tony 2. It says he's the CEO of Jammed and also professional breast examiner. That's my favorite type of guy.

My favorite type of guy. CEO and a breast examiner. I guarantee. Oh, yeah. One of those guys, which is like you know kind of college it's more of a hobby oh yes i guarantee he's got a shirt that says fbi female body inspector now let me ask you a question about that shirt when you first saw that it was the funniest thing i've ever seen it was the funniest thing i've ever seen it was the funniest thing and

i owned one did you really i own sure i had shirt that said, I do all my own stunts. Because I, Mike, when I fell in love with fucking, probably fell in love with stand-up and stuff. It was before Netflix and it was before YouTube. Yeah. So it was like, the only way I could watch stand-up was whatever stand-up shows were on television. And even then, we didn't fully have like Sky recording back then. Yes. Or the other one was I just went on eBay and bought any VHSs or DVDs.

I just typed in comedy, bought those, watched those. But the other one was just, I literally just Googled funny pictures. Oh, of course. And one of the first things was funny t-shirt slogans yeah do you remember i don't know if it was a thing in a in australia but i guarantee every teenager in the uk has gone through this thing where your mom would take you to hmv right and everyone it was like it's a music store yeah but you just go to the funny posters oh god and you just flick through the funny posters and there's like ones where it's

like they've it's road signs but they've given them different captions yep all those yeah yeah funny sex positions yeah and you're like 13 and you look yeah you can't buy it when your mom's there even though you're gonna buy it and put it up in your room that she cleans yeah yeah uh that was absolutely my sense i had uh i had like two big south park ones yeah with all the characters of course you did yeah yeah i absolutely did i think my mama thought i was um gay for several years because i was really really into wwf and i bought all the i spent no no it didn't be bought i spent a day just printing out pictures of all my favorite wrestlers to stick on my wall. Using up all the fucking ink. All the ink.

And what she, all she saw was just me printing out just oiled up men, buff as fuck. And just me going, he's my favorite, but I like him. They're a tag team on the wall beside my bed. I reckon that for the first several years whenever I brought home girlfriends my mum was like

okay sweetie yeah sweet I love she did in those years and she just said the phrase I love you

no matter what repeatedly and I'm just like she just loves me yeah she thinks I'm in the closet she was trying to ease you out of the closet

oh yeah I had South Park ones I had a big poster of Road Trip remember the movie the closet oh yeah i i had south park ones i had a big poster of road trip remember the movie road oh yeah but before i'd even seen it i just knew it was a dirty movie i had that really old poster of that famous one of that girl and on the tennis court scratching her arse and one of her cheeks is is it? Oh, that one, yeah. That classic.

You remember it. I don't think I ever saw anyone actually have that poster. I did. It was in all those shops. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I bought it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I bought it.

Because I didn't have... First time I... I don't know when you discovered porn, but when the porn was on the internet for me, it wasn't on... You didn't just go on porn.com. But you had Kaza on LimeWire, and you just had to download porn, and 60% of the stuff you downloaded was not what the description said,

so you'd be like, lesbian sex, and you'd download like seven of them, three of them would be viruses, and four of them involved dogs yeah like you just get your dick out you're like oh god and you just sit there watching the download bar go up and bigger and bigger like it's a big fight to virus did you have a computer in your room yeah i did now this is in the living area so i used to have to find pictures of like anna nicole smith or pamela anderson or whoever and print them off and then take them into the toilet to jerk off with and then flush the A4 paper down the toilet

to get rid of the evidence oh wow, really? You didn't save them? no, I just used to, I guess, tribute them if I can come on the picture and then just flush it so it's like big balls of A4 paper just struggling to get down the toilet just the

plumbing bills which is so fucking bad here is what that's the thing that people you know as damaging as porn can be like it saved a lot of trees like let's be honest like look if like fucking internet porn is the reason the Amazon is not decimated. Because if they had not invented internet porn, you think I'd give a fuck about koalas? Fucking burn them. Print me that guy eating ass and print it fucking out. Well, that's the thing. I don't think I could even come over a still image anymore.

No? Do you not get it? Like if your wife was to send well that's that's different nudes because there's a whole like uh thrill of like you know anything sent it's for you it's a private thing and all that stuff and the emotional weight of it like when you go when you see the bubble coming up and you know that there's a message coming like there's so much thrill to it but i could never just buy a porno mag and like flip to a nude girl you couldn't go back to you couldn't go back to acoustic definitely you can go back to acoustic now that i've gone digital

do you reckon if it doesn't exist already it will fucking happen in the same way with fucking final oh there's there is going to be a resurgence oh there's going to be people like nah nah it's the classic it's just

it's like it's the difference between a kindle and a book it's the smell the smell of stale fucking cum it's just really

the feel of it's like the paper is so the magazine is three years old but it's as delicate as ancient tomes. Oh my God.

Like you've got to turn every page like a fucking pale. And a little tweezers. It's in like a hermetically sealed room. You've got to say it's fingerprints. It's like the declaration of independence. It's like that scene in national treasure where they've got to gently

wash it down keep it all together oh my god but it's just some big fake kids

in a huge bush yeah what is your opinion on bush yeah I'm all for it

yeah I'm all for it obviously baby baby where you got hair I don't care yeah I don all for it yeah I'm not a feminist though so yeah obviously yeah baby baby where you got here I don't care yeah I don't care I love it that's not true though like I like man if you want mass amounts of fucking bush like crap but I always just say just have a clean the plate like if you want to have a bit of grooming yeah like if you want to have a little bit of grooming yeah like if you want to have a fucking massive bush I've got zero problem with that at all but like

in the same way in the same way that I'll shave my balls yeah right like like I don't trim

you know I don't manscape too much but it really gets just I'm not making you go down just on the worst like I just hate the feeling

of having a huge fucking bush myself I just hate the feeling of having a huge fucking bush myself why is it it's to hate it do you have a huge I trim I trim

but you're quite hairy but I'm hairless oh right right right yeah my main problem is my my butt oh really

I regularly shave my asshole really yeah me and Kai talked about this it was one of the things that bonded us is

Fred's he mentioned one day to me that he was off to shave his asshole. And he was waiting for my reaction. I was like, you shaved your asshole too? And I was like, yeah. Did you actually shave it with a razor? Yeah, it's not graceful. It doesn't sound graceful.

It's never graceful. It's a real degrading process to go through. Jesus Christ. But I've done a fucking stand up routine about how important I think it is because the amount of paper you save when you wipe

oh yeah mate it's unreal and also you could wax I'm very bad with pain I'm real bad with pain

really you couldn't deal with it no I've had I'm so bad with pain like I've always said that whatever your fucking fetish is what you're into

like a comedy I'm into them right but I'll also respect your boundaries your fucking fetish is what you're into like I'll comedy I'm into them right but I'll also respect your boundaries if I'm into something and you're not into it yeah I will make you do

it but I also want the same back I've had girls be like slap me I was like right that's what you're into we can do this

and then they slap me and I'm like you're about to go home I hate pain so much. I hate being hit. I've never enjoyed it. I've had a girl once

rake, I just got my fucking back tattoo done, my shoulder tattoo. Oh God. And she just raked her fingers down it and I just went,

I am absolutely done. Like I threw a little fucking huffy bitch fit. Yeah, I don't think I could handle pain in sex at all. I don't like it. I can't handle pain

in real life. Have you ever been punched in the face? I've been pain in sex at all I don't like it I can't handle pain in real life have you ever been punched in the face I've been headbutted once and I was so drunk and it was a very bad headbutt but I know my reaction I'm not a fighter in any way no no no it's just pain's not I don't like it

we shouldn't like it it's not good but I never want to say that because I don't like it. We shouldn't like it. It's not good. It's not good. But I never want to say that because like, I never, but if it goes, I'm like, I don't like pain. And they're like,

why not? And I'm like, because what you're the fuck one. It's called pain. It's not. Yeah. It's supposed to be bad. It's supposed to avoid it.

There's literally, that's why anesthetic exists. All of these for years and years, humanity has all medicine is to stop fucking pain and also

that's the reason we got into comedy right to avoid any kind of violence as sort of a way to get around confrontation

at all times get out of awkward conversation I don't want to talk to myself out of so many fights growing up just by being

like charming or like very quickly becoming friends with the guy who's trying to hit me yeah yeah somehow yeah i i'm a master of talking myself out of fights and just been like and you know just at that point being like fuck you buddy look i don't want to fight what does get bad is whenever i'm with kai though and i do have to check myself quite regularly because having kai is like having an older brother.

And I no longer have the need to talk myself out of fights because I have someone that... He'll step in for you. Oh, he will, because one, he's my best friend and he doesn't want me to get hit, but also, you know, if I die, he's got three months in the diary every year that just suddenly needs filled.

We tour together, he's got three months in the diary every year. It just suddenly needs filled. We tour together. He's got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have absolutely taken liberties with that before. To real shit levels. We were once at a casino. I will admit, this is one of the worst things I've ever done, and I still love it. Yeah.

We were at a casino. Two of my female friends, I went to school with them. We were all fucking hanging out go to this fucking casino and there's two guys in front there's a restaurant

there's two guys in front of us and two girls in front of them the two girls in front of the two guys recognized me

and Kai because they'd seen the show and they were just like oh my god you guys shouldn't have

to queue you guys should just go ahead and get in the restaurant and me and Kai were like

that's not how this works we're fine with queuing and the two guys were like why should they not have

to queue and I'm like buddy we do have to queue he's like no why should they not have to queue and I'm like buddy we do have to queue he's like no why don't you have to queue and I was like I've been on telly

I'm a comedian they've seen the show and they're like oh so you think you're famous and I'm like no they think I'm famous that's what the discussion is they think I'm famous

to a level that I'm not famous they think I can skip queues I won't but this just gets in their head they in their head they've just been made betas so eventually get into the fucking restaurant and the whole time they're

bringing up YouTube videos of me and be like, Oh, not even funny. None. It just, and I'm just sitting there. I'm not fucking rising to that at all. Cause I joined me to do anything.

I'm like, don't need to do anything. Just fucking let it go. Uh, but they're still going. And then the two girls I'm with, I'm like, do you want us to leave?

And I'm like, now that they're getting upset, like they're also concerned for me. yeah that's when my ego was bruised yeah of course you don't want someone to be like all of a sudden become your mom yeah like these two girls that i like they just see me the most confident man in the world when i was on stage and now because i've just been like i'll just ignore it the guys were like the girls like are you okay and i'm like and now i'm done yeah now I'm now and this is wrong but now it's like you have offended my honor and I've got to I've got to go off on that so what did you do so I went up to

the table with the two guys were sat at the table and the two girls the two fans were sat there I went up to the two girls I went to Kai I went follow my lead I went to the two girls I was like would you two girls like a photo and they're like oh my god we'd love one kai took the camera i then moved the two guys dinner to the other side of the table i sat on their table where they were still eating yeah one of the guys stood up kai looked over the camera and just went sit down or die and the guy sat down and we did a five minute photo shoot on their table where i was just eating their chips off of their fucking plates. Yeah.

And every time one of them piped up, at one point, a grown man, I shushed him. Right? He was just like, what the fuck? I went, shh. And that was it. I just went, shh. And he just sat there. And just because every time they did it, Kai's hard as fucking nails, right? Yeah.

They know it. And just, they really, and I hate how happy that oh that would make me that would fill me up for a year yeah oh it happened five years ago yeah i still jerk off to it yeah of course i hate when that's said about me no i don't i love that shit i love it anytime you can just all it takes is just a tiny little action from you to shut someone up is the best feeling in the world just undercut you like yeah if you like yeah it's always that you know uh it's the alpha thing yeah like if you're trying to have alpha me there's a lot of times where i'll just like if you need to feel like the alpha now i'll fucking back down we all know who it really is but in

other situations when you legit that primal instinct when you legit get to alpha someone else so yeah which i think is why we're so comfortable being cucks now yeah of course because we know we're in charge yeah secretly yeah i'm like yeah yeah sure he's about to come seriously right up my wife's vagina and pre-fire her and probably get her pregnant but i know that it's really that's really i'm still the daddy here yeah i'm raising the kid yeah i'm raising the kid i'm paying for the bills i'm raising the kid as if it was my own nurture over nature i've always said that those were my first words actually nature over nurture yeah to my dad who's not my dad somebody else came up, my mum and my dad, yeah my dad's my inspiration I think you are born a cop

it's not a choice like you come out of a you come out of a woman's vagina, what's more better than that? That's false one of my favourite little alpha dog moves there was this guy, after a comedy gig, I can't remember, there was

this really rough comedy gig in sydney that i did a couple of years ago and someone tried to heckle and i was being a real i was being hilarious taking this guy down from the stage and then afterwards i was in the car park and his friends were with him and he was trying to have a go at me again these friends were clearly holding him back like they weren't gonna let him fight me and he got right up in my face and i just booped his nose that is the ultimate outfit so good just to go like like that touching the nose just knowing that his friends won't let him take a swing he's like i'm safe yeah now i can just drive home and never come here again

and never come here again never come here again. Yeah, yeah, and never come here again. Never come here again because I'm actually terrified. Oh, right, let's move on to our first game. Oh, so this, the way this records

is really dumb because it's not in minutes, in seconds. I don't know how many seconds, holy shit, 1400 seconds is. It's, it's enough,

dude. Yeah, I mean, it's probably a fucking fair bit. Right, we'll do one Muggle Corner each because we've had a fair bit of fucking blather. Yeah. And that's what a fart from a shaved asshole sounds like. It's like air being let out of a balloon.

Yeah, it's really... It's beautiful. And smell wise as well. Yeah. Right, go for your first muggle corner what do muggles do cameron i think muggles put posts on facebook that begin with hive mind yes oh as if you are on a platform that does not have Google. I cannot stand that so much. Hivemind, need recommendations for a restaurant in the Melbourne CBD. Okay, you can actually just type Melbourne restaurant and the first five that come up will be in the CBD.

There's a thing called Yelp. Yeah, I can't stand it. And also you've got friends like you've you've got friends that you would ask about certain things like if i ever want i would never say hi because if i want to know a restaurant i will ask reese nicholson exactly what do you think it's for do you think they do it because they just want they need that engagement i need notifications on their phone i i think it is a form of absolute virtual signaling yeah i think it's i think it's such a way to it's a way of letting everyone know what you're up to

like but without being like so just look i'm out instead of the post they want to do which is like i'm a real fucking footy and i want to go to a certain place that uh they just want to be like look i i'm cultured yeah and i'm so cultured that like all of my friends are real cultured too it's virtual it's virtue signaling that allows everyone else that comments on it to be a virtue signaler as well i've just been like they're like oh well you've got to try this it's unheard of it's new it's asian fusion but with mexican uh it's in this secret location you go down an alleyway and you have to text this number It's new. It's Asian fusion, but with Mexican. It's in this secret location.

You go down an alleyway and you have to text this number and then they come down and let you in. Yeah. They just, it's served out of, they just, the chef, he puts his heart and soul. He literally serves it out of his hands and there's no cutlery. It's just, it's like, it's called Mother Teresa. The chef comes out. You were the leper. She, you know, comes out and feeds you with her hands. And it's nurturing and beautiful.

It's just so, it's so good. I had a salad there. It was, it was $97. And it was essentially a cherry tomato that hadn't been washed because, you know, just everything. Because Mother Teresa, she didn't wash, did she? No. She didn't wash. But she did wash the feet of the people.

And so did this guy. He washes your feet and then he freshly prepares your meal. With your foot water. With your foot water. The foot soup. As they say in China, namaste. I can't stand also calling your friends hive mind. That's what their job is.

Yeah. Just to be your fucking brain's trust at any time you need to know where a chemist is or whatever. Yeah. Hive mind. Look, I've got a problem. Get it off Facebook, man. Get the fuck off Facebook. One of my favorite things to do on facebook

is to do one of those posts i do them every few weeks i'll just do a big hive mind uh need suggestions for a place to get my dick pierced asap and just see how many responses i get it's pathetic it's real yeah it's it's it's, uh, this is what I'm up to. It's the equivalent of, uh, they'll always say, hi, I'm in Thailand. What's the best place to go to Thailand?

Right. You're going to Thailand. That's what, that's what you wanted to say. Yeah. What you want is I'm going to this place and all of us to acknowledge that you're going to this place and you're doing this thing. Why don't they just do that?

They should just do it. Because that's, but that's, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, they should, but they won't. And the same all because that's but that's yeah well but yeah yeah they should

but they won't in the same way you know fucking we won't yeah true we should though we should

we should do a big post being like we're going to Thailand we're going to Thailand because we can afford it just yeah yeah yeah to all my friends

who can also afford to go to Thailand can you just all raise your hands and then everyone else on my Facebook can see who can't afford to go to Thailand can you just all raise your hands and then everyone else on my Facebook can see who can't afford to go to Thailand because none of them have commented who has been recently and who's planning on going

yeah who's just everyone who's been to Thailand that's what the whole game is who's been to Thailand it's not what restaurant it's Thailand all the food's fucking good just go anywhere that's the point of Thailand what's the best restaurant in Thailand it's the street food time hi man what's the best restaurant in Thailand is the street for the fuck yeah it's Thailand Thailand we're not honest yeah it's Thailand yeah it's good I've never had that meal in Thailand

sure I've shat myself off the most meals you have caught yeah yeah but just you know so did the Romans yeah it's good enough for them it's good enough for me your mother my mother corner is no this is going to send a lot of uh listeners down the drain but i do need to explain it uh muggles organized for the work group to go and see a comedy show oh jesus christ you're preaching to the choir right i fully fully understand the logic of what it is which is like you know there's three of your friends at work who you like and there's a whole bunch of other ones and you want to just it's group bonding it's it's it's good for that but what you're actually doing is comedy is very

subjective and you're getting fucking shannon from hr and Dave, the fucking sexist janitor. Yep. And you're trying to, and also you're all drinking. You all just want to go for drinks. Yeah, why don't you organize drinks? It's after work drinks with a point when you're taking people away

from a fucking thing. I know, with everyone having to focus on the one thing and it's some guy they don't know probably who's talking at them about his opinion yeah yeah and it only resonates with 30 percent of them and the person who's organized it i imagine it's hell on earth for them because the whole time they're not watching the comedy they're doing that classic thing of they're looking to the sides to make sure everyone it's a nightmare for you they've also organized everyone's accounts they're like all right so it's 12 dollars each yeah yeah everyone

chip in every just ship it you know i I do know $10 doesn't work. I do need the $2 because if you all just give me $10, then I'm actually down $20. So I need the $2 in coins. It's so fucking annoying. And as audience members, it's not. And it's always the Friday and Saturday. I always find that during festivals most of the time

Sundays through Thursdays are the best crowds because 70% of those audience members are the ones that they've come out to see you they want to do

something on the night they're not going to get fucking shit faced it's just Friday and Saturdays is 20-30% your audience and 70% people

who were punters flyered and whatever and especially with my show this year like when I ask the audience and I go how many saw my show last year and when it's 20%

I'm just like 80% of you have come into the fucking deep end right because anyone who's seen me before has gradually seen my stand up get

darker and more into me and then you've just come into me just being like yeah so I'd kill a bunch of cunts if I could and they're like what wait a second what yeah why would you this isn't wacky yeah that's

the thing the worst show i've had in this festival so far was a saturday night sold out i was so confident all day here we go this is gonna be great and packed um worst crowd so fucking quiet could not track them found out the next day that there was a work group of 15 in the front two rows or so and that totally explained it for me oh okay of course

they were all sitting there just wishing they weren't there yeah or worse is when they enjoy when they enjoy it they enjoy it in bad ways which is like you'll do a joke

and they're like oh my god that's Debbie that's'll do a joke and they're like oh my god that's Debbie and they don't understand you're like you're talking through the show and they're like no but we're talking

about the joke because what you just Debbie does that all the time and I'm just like I know that she tell him the story about how you do it

and you're like I don't want to hear the fucking story fuck Debbie you guys can talk about Debbie in honestly 40 minutes. Yeah.

It's going to feel like 60. Yeah. Because, boy, you are making this feel like pulling fucking teeth. Oh, my God. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know why anyone would ever want to even socialize with their work friends. When I've had day jobs, you know, I never went to a single work event. It's not i understand it always it's what this is what so my my goals are never bad people it comes from such a good place the

person that organizes is going i want i want to know this person a bit more it should be fun it'll just make being at work on monday fun we can all talk about the comedy show yeah that we saw on friday yeah and it's never worth it no it's never worth it oh you should put a ban on um groups bigger than four comedy shows yeah anytime there's more than four especially maybe not for you because you're in bigger rooms but i mean i'm only in like a 45 seater you know so? So if there's a group of eight, that's a sizable percentage of the room. It's almost 10%. And they take charge in a way. Is that terrible math?

I don't know. I'm also terrible at math. Yeah, I think it's actually close to 20. But, oh God. And they just, they will honestly just,

they decide if they want to laugh or not. And that is infectious. Yeah. It's small. Yeah, that size is i've always found that like you'll always find one area of the room that's not laughing yeah and that's why i love individual laughers anyway anyone that's got the fucking confidence you know when

you do a joke that only one person laughs at yeah i love that because i'm like you're great yeah because even i don't have the fucking confidence to do that yeah like if a comedian does a joke and ws laughs i'll just go it was a good one though yeah i'm not letting you know that i'm the only one that enjoyed it i am on that particularly bad night that i had i had one person laugh at my opening joke and i said i'd actually said to her you are correct i was like your instincts are right keep following those and then bit by bit i got people throughout the show and it ended up fine but it took such a long time it's one of those it's one of those gigs where it's like a game of risk oh yeah you're just slowly conquering bits of the audience and then you do one joke you're like i just lost the right hand side

they've been with me since the beginning i know i shouldn't have done that stuff but fuck it you gotta do it do you have another one oh yeah i've got another one you can do The right hand side. They've been with me since the beginning. I know. I shouldn't have done that stuff. But fuck it. You've got to do it. Do you have another one? Oh, yeah. I've got another Muggle one. You can do it.

You can do one more. Go through them a bit. Maybe this is a bit specific, but... Even better. Muggles have a lot of theories about magic mushrooms helping human evolution. Have you ever heard that stuff? a lot of theories about magic mushrooms helping human evolution. Have you ever heard that stuff? I could have shortened that to Muggles listen to the Joe Rogan podcast, but I've spoken to so many guys in the last year that are like,

yeah, do you know that like when we were apes, a few of the apes ate magic mushrooms and that expanded their minds. And that's why we are the way we are today. Like, no, like, I don't think so. Would you ever be one of those guys? I could make,

I could imagine you being on the cusp of someone who would go, I could see how hallucinogenics helps evolution. I don't because just for me, I'm like how there would have for it to affect all of humanity there must have been

farms of magic mushrooms oh yeah right because I don't know if they have the farms of magic mushrooms now you and five friends

go out and you find a specific bit in the fucking room it's not it's not enough for it to affect all fucking humanity.

Like, it's just not. Every part of the fucking, it's not enough. I just don't believe it. Meat, though, it's like there's science behind meat affecting. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like meat massively affected human evolution because we were able to, when we foragedaged and stuff for us to get all the nutrients we needed

we were like pandas you had to fucking eat all the fucking time and most of the time we spent foraging whereas we learned how to fucking cook meat

it was like 80% of our fucking protein and then we had 12 hours left in the day so we just got more energy

more energy quicker and I don't know the science of it the great book Sapiens has a bit about how it, he's like, look,

if you're vegan now, absolutely fine. Makes sense, grand. But you do have to understand how important meat was to the evolution of man. It did make, it did make our brains grow. Yeah.

We didn't have to just eat 50 mushrooms or potatoes a day. It was just like, yeah, here's one bit of a tiger. And there you go. Now you can go build stuff. Also, do you reckon the fucking, the ape, the ape magic mushrooms

was also the one that invented fire? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, he's standing to the fire. Yeah, he's like, bro. You've got to check this out. And the other ones are just inventing the wheel. Like, Steve, can't you just? No, man. Like, what's consciousness? What's anything? like bro you gotta check this out and the other ones are just inventing the wheel like steve yeah you're just nah man like what's what's consciousness what's anything we live outside

yeah what are you talking about jesus fucking christ could you just forage the ape with the eight magic mushrooms for the first time was also the first date that said um actually yes correcting cancer and she is it's one of those claims where i was like that is a claim that you've come with because you've obviously been on mushrooms your mind has expanded blah blah blah which it hasn't like i've done mushrooms i've done dmt i've done all this stuff they are very very interesting experiences and I can understand where you're coming from but unlike a lot of people do it when I go back to normality my rational brain goes first time I smoked DMT had a fucking really weird experience phoned my dad afterwards told him everything I experienced and his explanation goes yeah that's what happens when

you smoke dreams it was just such and then I was like no but the visualizations and my dad went i guarantee you i can show you the visualizations that you get on acid and dmt and i was like there's not a way he's like i guarantee you i can there's a program online which you put in any movie scene and while the movie scene is going on the computer uh randomly googles images of animals and just intersplices them with the faces because a lot of what DMT does and acid does is it changes the way that light refracts in your eyes and how your brain processes images. And this computer works at how it does refract in the eyes because it's all scientific and it's all measurable. And when he showed me the video, I was like, yeah, that's what I see when I'm on acid.

Yeah. It's spot on. That's the way I've always felt about acid and stuff like that is when people say you know it just shows you that we're all connected I'm like

it doesn't it's just something that was made in a lab it's just it's science I did a 2CB which is a form of acids

when I was at Estival and I can tell I not to respond to but genuinely at the time I felt love

like love was a genuine energy like it really was I was standing in a fucking field with my best friends and fucking Elton John interesting side note

of one of the effects of 2CB is it makes you know all of the words to every Elton John song I went and told John I was like I don't know any

Elton John songs I knew them all and the dances it's really interesting but yeah yeah I was remember starting with my friends and just it was the colors were amazing and I when I was I was like I can I can literally feel the love that my friends have for me emanating and it's filling me with joy and then the next day I was like I was on drugs yeah I've never once carried over a drug experience into the real world

no I now know more about the world and myself I've always been like whoa I was fucked up yeah

and it was great yeah and I enjoyed being that person yeah but if I was that person forever oh I'd be a shit comic oh god

I know that's why every comic that gets too into acid always ends up sucking in a certain way yeah because you don't have any cynicism left

no it's all positive shit it's all just yeah just doesn't fucking work um my last one is a short one um

mm mm mm mm uh muggles use uh and I'm in the corner for this

uh muggles use Instagram stories oh yeah yeah like I'm in the corner oh I think most of us are in the corner but it was just like i'm very bit very bad uh uh my online presence is utterly

garbage very occasionally there's been two times where i've had like good threads on instagram stories and it's always to do with me drinking it's always like the one first time was me and kai going drink for drink with each other and then that was quite a good fucking story and then there was another time when a bar said like you can't have more than three margaritas so these are your thigh and i went i was like i'll do fucking seven like you have like just cowards drinking here yeah if not don't tell me what my limit on alcohol is those were both fucking great ones but the rest of time i just feel so much that i'm just i'm forcing content it is a lot of that it's just i i've just got i'm relevant i'm here i'm relevant

i'm here here i am i'm still here and you have to do it and even as a comedian and a fucking person i just go this is just so i know i'll only do them there's two reasons i'll do an instagram story one if i think something's funny but i don't ever want to commit it to the thread. Yeah. Let's go. This will be going in 24 hours. This is a dumb, stupid photo or video of my friend or me doing a stupid voice. Or the more cynical one is you do an Instagram story because it puts your real photo higher

up in people's feed. Does it? Yeah. That's why it exists. It's, it's for the algorithm. If you're posting shit all the time on the story, it makes your real photos more visible.

I'm so cynical. I do spend a solid 30 minutes every day on Instagram. There are some people on Instagram who I love their stories. Like I, you know, I'll slide into their DMs. I'm going, this is a good one.

Yeah. Just like, this is a good one yeah but just like this is just such i just feel like i was like my online content i'm just like i just want the only part of my me i ever work apart from the podcast which i enjoy just because i want you to see me on stage i don't you don't you don't want to see every part of my life i know you think you do and that's because i show you the bits that i want you to see yeah you do not want to see me at every part of my life you don't want to hear me talk all day i can talk and be fucking slightly amusing on this podcast for a fucking hour a week yeah but jesus i'm a shit can't the rest of the time but you've walked into it i live like a slob oh yeah

yeah this is the this is how is Howard Hughes level, this room. Yeah, it's real. There's fucking jars of piss that come everywhere. It's real fucking, it's, yeah. I don't have depression, but if you saw the way I live, it would take me months to convince you that I don't. Yeah, I feel like walking in here, I almost thought I'm going to have to talk him off the ledge at some point.

There's a, we're at a table beside a window. There's a blanket on the floor. That blanket is on the floor because that's the window I smoke weed out and I don't put clothes on to smoke weed because I've just

come out of bed so I just wrap myself around and I'm just like a fucking Ukrainian war widow just fucking sucking the ends of this last bit

of fucking tobacco looking out of Flinders Street just, yeah, it's real bleak. Oh, right, before we go into your dad jokes plug yourself speaking of i'm relentlessly marketing yourself oh god it's so important to honestly put content out and network

and show people that you exist and i do exist yeah my name is cameron james and you're on the instagram you're on the face I'm on the Facebook Instagram Twitter Twitter Facebook I am Cameron James is my head and you're doing shows in Melbourne because this will go out in the next two days you're doing shows in Melbourne what time yeah I'm at seven o'clock at the Greek Center and I think I'm the only person there who isn't Greek great and that's been awesome yeah good yeah you know what it's you know they've got awesome you know what equality works both ways yeah they need to let one of me in so we can let one of them into another

yeah of course are you doing Sydney? oh yeah I'm doing Sydney I can't remember the time or place or whatever but I'm sure if they google it they can find out and you can't know when I'm on Melbourne and Sydney and Paris google Google it.

I'll see you all then. Your dad jokes. Oh, yeah. I'm very excited. I'm genuinely excited to hear your dad jokes. I've brought you on the podcast for a while. And I... No, I'm just...

I'll go first. Okay. Your dad got banned from his air guitar. Banned for air molesting one of the other members. Oh, God. Mine are no good, by the way. Your dad's nickname for his penis is Scarlett Johansson because it's red and curvy and has a pussy. Your dad says Steve Irwin was Australia's Diana when were you

when Steve Irwin died holy shit I actually do remember where I was my dad my dad woke me up

I was like Steve Irwin's death really fucked me up I grew up watching him my dad really I loved him I thought he was

the fucking coolest guy in the world my dad came I remember I was wearing my dad came and was like Steve Irwin's dead.

And then left. I'm like, hug me. That's like the night, like I got woken up on the morning

of 9-11 with the same thing, but no one told me on fucking Steve Irwin day. I found out

like right at the end of the day, he'd been dead for hours. Fuck shit. Your dad plays competitive power

walking and he's just okay at it. Your dad's one and only television credit is in the laugh track of How I Met Your Mother. He's always the one that, like, claps. Tries to start an applause. No one goes for it. But doesn't quite have the leadership skill. There's a very famous Tom Haunt joke.

Your dad is handsome for a burns victim. Your dad's hips don't lie, but his lips have told your mother on several occasions that he's never cheated. Your dad thinks doggy style is when he eats food from your mom's plate, comes up her stocking and then shits in his own shoe. Your dad wears a gum shield at the footy and he's the referee. Your dad's favourite food is leftover cereal milk from his best friend Gavin's bowl. Your dad ties his own shoes together and walks out in public so people think he's got mates who play totally sick pranks on him.

He just walks out and shows like, oh, Jeff! They got me again. What are they like? Holy shit, imagine there's got to be people out there that do that. Of course. At the office. There are people that do the fucking Facebook thing like, oh, she caught me sleeping. That's a selfie. Oh, of course.

Yeah. Oh, that's so embarrassing. Let me see. All right. Your dad's always trying to start a game of Stacks On. He lays on the floor and waits for people to pile on top of him. No one ever does. He's just a sad man lying in a park yelling pile on.

Pile on. Your dad got food poisoning once and now has a blog about dealing with bulimia. My dad would start a blog. That's the worst part. I reckon he would start a blog. Late in life. Yeah. When your dad goes to sleep, instead of counting sheep, he counts the amount of times he's been cupped.

Cries himself to sleep. Your dad really enjoyed Akmal's show this year. He would. He would enjoy Upcompton he would a lot of people would

a lot of people he's very popular yeah he's very popular have you ever seen Upcompton yeah do you like him he's good at what

he does yeah I saw him me and him are not competing for the same audience no you guys aren't yeah

I saw him do a show at the comedy store once. I came in at the start of the show. He was doing great. And then I went to the bar to get a drink. And by the time I came back, so say four minutes later, there was six people heckling him in the crowd. And he was on stage going,

everyone, shut up. Just shut up, please. Just let me finish my thoughts. I've never seen anything like it. I don't know how the fuck that happened he had a sold out crowd and then he lost control of them in four minutes how the fuck that happened um oh my god uh your dad honestly needs to believe in himself more he's not as pathetic as he thinks he is. Positive. You listening, dad? Your dad has cornered the market of the deepfake porn

with the queen in it. He says it's like fucking a stamp. But that's all the pictures. It's not the queen from the public. It's all the pictures that are from coins

and notes. So she's always side on? Yeah, she's always side on or he's done that thing where if you fold it down certain angles, you can make her smile. Oh, yeah. You ever done the one on Australian five dollar note where you can fold the queen in a certain way that

looks like a whale sucking a dick? Yeah, it's a great one. That sounds like a lie to people who don't believe that. Google that. Just a group. Australian note whale sucking its own dick. Yeah, that's the real deal. It does exist. Every Sunday,

your dad goes to church and prays that a priest will rape him. No. He just finished watching the movie Spotlight. Great movie. Just a little plug.

Yeah. Your dad thinks the French language is transphobic because it misgenders things, and he has a book on it called Chairs Are Men Too. Oh, God. I think I'm running out.

Your dad is always licking Nutella off his fingers, but I've never seen him near a jar of Nutella. I'm out. I'm done, yes. Oh, well, thank you very much for coming on the podcast. That was a great one. Thanks for having me.

All right, bye, nerds. Bye, bitch.