Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #9 Nature's Extacy

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

The penultimate episode of our flashback series takes you to February 2018 where Muggins (No Cream) got chatting to legend Mark Nelson who is always a laugh a second if you like your comedy depraved Original Text: From a grimey Ibis in Glasgow, Muggins continues the podcast while Cream is still State side, this time joined by Mark Nelson straight from the nursary run, they disect Natalie's outlandish anxiety dream and discuss shit night clubs, childhood, Down syndrome and the use of the humble-brag. 

flashback number nine and this one is muggins without cream yesterday you had cream without muggins today's muggins without cream because this one was recommended it's the one i did with mark nelson i remember he just done the nursery run dropped the kids off and then turned up in my hotel room with a bag of cans in glasgow and i haven't listened back to this one and i know it's depraved i know it's like i haven't listened back to see one and I know it's depraved. I know it's... Like, I haven't listened back to see if the stuff doesn't stand the test of time. And even though we said the things at the time, they could have been left in the past and I'm bringing it to the future without checking it out,

it's a real dangerous game. I haven't had time to listen to it. I probably shouldn't upload it. I feel like I'm wanking at my parents' house with the door open in my room. Here it is. Me and Mark Nelson. Enjoy! through. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. They said

it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the Road, where if you can't handle me at my muckins, you don't deserve me at my cream. I'm here in Glasgow, the beloved city of Mark Nelson, who's sat in front of me. Hello. And Nelson, it's Thursday. Yeah.

You've just dropped your child off at your eldest off at nursery. Yeah. And you've walked into me Ibis hotel room in the afternoon and cracked open a can of Fosters. Yeah. A can of Stella, sorry. The weekend starts here, man I can still have, sorry. The weekend starts here, man. I love your style.

When you started a family you just carried on as normal, didn't you? The session isn't over. Aye, aye. I'm a part-time sessioner now. I'd die. I'd fucking love you as a dad. If that turns out

I really appreciate my dad putting the session on hold to raise his children but Aaron Seamus is going to respect you as a gangster

I was saying earlier like he's probably you and Seamus are probably going to fight when he's older probably Aaron Seamus will probably come to f when he's older. Probably, yeah. He's proper hard, though. For a two-year-old, he's proper stocky and solid.

I didn't mean new. Oh, no, no, no. He can't take a punch. I wasn't going to offer him outside now. As soon as I get you out of that car seat, you're fucking fucking dead but he's a robust kid then oh he's a bit i and he doesn't what i like about me he doesn't take any shit like i've seen him fucking square up to like six year olds and stuff like that if they're pushing him off something it's quality to watch yeah yeah like it's obvious like you don't want your kids to fight but when

he's got when he's got self-respect right you see that you're like fucking right man that's awesome so that's a nice hotel guy it's the worst mate because you haven't stayed in this one have you no because you're

walking distance from the comedy club yeah so the stand put on nice accommodation in Newcastle right next to the venue next to the venue

lovely hotel and then in Edinburgh they've got just across the road from the venue they've got just across the road from the venue they've got a fucking lovely flat oh it's amazing

it's a comics condo isn't it yeah I've only stayed in that flat once I was through in Edinburgh during a weekend and I got

I got snowed in like I couldn't take my car home because you would commute for the Edinburgh gig I would go so I'd drive back but the snow was so bad

I couldn't drive back, so they went, oh, just stay in the flat. And I walked over to the flat and Mick Ferry was just coming out of the show, just bollock naked. You think he's gone on? Yeah, he's like, Jesus. So, yeah. Not shy.

But it's awesome, that flat, but this is grim. Yeah, so this one, Glasgow, which is the, even though Edinburgh's the first club I would say Glasgow is the flagship one because it's probably the biggest it's the most fun to do as well

I don't like Newcastle they're all belters but I always say Glasgow is the leading club definitely revenue wise as a business

and then they've got because you're considering it's a long weekend as well Thursday, Friday, Saturday do you want to describe your room to the Because they're considering it's a long weekend as well, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Aye. Do you want to describe your room to the listeners?

It's like... It's like... Because I've been in this kind of thing. Have you ever stayed in an Easy Hotel? Is that the EasyJet one? Yeah, EasyJet do hotels. I was in one with no windows. Aye, aye, it's smaller than this.

And they had that plastic orange... Aye, aye. The walls are made of the same stuff as the overhead lockers. Aye, yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like they just make all the rooms in a factory somewhere and then just deliver them. They're just slot-in rooms, you know? It's like Lego.

But this, I mean, this is kind of like that. They're like the pods in Aliens. Aye, because there isn't... It's one room. There's no separate bathroom bathroom but they kind of put this like fake wall in like a little pod for the eye just for the toilet for the toilet so like if you're sharing this room like like you've got a weekend away we are mrs i mean i mean the relationship is really on the rocks if you're fucking i was trying treating someone to an

iva spice it up do you reckon you reckon, like, posh people have the working class experience in this kind of, like... You know how, like, working class people go on holiday and try out a different lifestyle, right? Yeah, yeah. We'll go and have, like, a nice hotel, we'll indulge ourselves. Whereas that may just be the normal life to a lot of people.

Do you reckon they'll come to the iris just for a little bit of fucking council role play? I like proper common people can i start like yeah yeah oh god give us the dirtiest room you've got i don't even make it up after the last guest the vortex the walls which i think is an interesting choice hi yeah like that's like what you used to do to the ceiling back in the day i don't know if people still do that now do people still are text the ceiling probably not the day. Do people still do that now? Do people still R-Tex the ceiling? Probably not.

I imagine some folk will. Will millennials even know what R-Texing is? Probably not. I guess you dab a sponge on the wet paint. They do even know what fucking roofs are. I've grazed my arm on that wall before coming in pissed. Right. Right out of the garage.

Oh, I've got the garage, yes, man. Good night at the garage. The garage. So I used to go to the garage all the time when the garage yeah good night with the guy the garage i uh so i used to get the garage all the time when i was at uni did it and it was like this fucking go-to club and um i'm not i've not been for years any club in this i i think i might have mentioned this before but any club in a city because we we do a lot of city hopping yeah in every city right yeah the club i want to go to is the one the locals tell you not to oh aye oh Christ

Edinburgh Tive in Douglas Copperface Jacks aye in Glasgow it's the garage aye aye

you fucking guy in the garage you gonna have a belter aye exactly aye if the locals are saying don't go there aye I know aye obviously it's gonna be a class laugh

that's because they're having that like the what's it there's gotta be a word for it where like you're ashamed of your city's like fucking dark

corners yeah totally it's a little bit of snubbery towards the road isn't it but yeah like don't hide don't hide what you're really like to me I always like going to the grim areas so the last time I went

I went with my pal Colin and Colin's a guy that always comes to like music festivals with me So the last time I went, I went with my pal Colin. And Colin's a guy that always comes to music festivals with me. He came to Rock Ness and all that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, Professional Plus One. Caldo, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's there. Like my rickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So me and Caldo went. We'd gone to a gig. I can't even remember who we'd gone to see at the Academy. And we'd gone. We'll go to the garage and we were like we'll never we'll never get in

because we were we were pished we were fucking out of the game and it was that kind of Jedi mind trick where you just walked through as if there was no question

of you getting in and we just went to the bouncers you alright boys and then just straight in whereas like before when we were younger we'd have been nervous as fuck

getting in and like even when when we didn't have IDs but even when we were a bit pished when we were younger We'd have been nervous As fuck getting in And like Even when We didn't have IDs But even when We were a bit pissed When we were at uni Getting nervous getting in

And we went in there And it was Honestly It was such an eye opener In terms of how young People were So you used to go in In the past

Yeah When you used to queue for it And shit like that Yeah yeah yeah Whereas this We didn't even There was a queue We didn't even stay in the queue

We just walked straight in the front door as if we were like celebrities or some shit like that yeah yeah Tom Stead's routine when he's like

if I go to a nightclub somebody goes somebody's in trouble they're dead here yeah yeah yeah exactly like you just walked in the door was like

fucking just expecting you to carry your daughter out of it yeah yeah two girls come up to us at the bar and went why are you here it's like the it's like the most devastating to carry your daughter out of it. Yeah, yeah. Two girls come up to us at the bar and went,

why are you here? It was devastating. And then they had a bouncy castle on in the middle of it. And so we went in the bouncy castle and I was so pissed that I couldn't get back off it. So I had all these fucking teenagers jumping up around me

and me just crawling out through their legs. It was a sad, sad state of my feelings film i pulled in there once did you in a carriage uh 2011 last from the shetland islands nice nice very nice i didn't even know they existed at the time i didn't even know in a shetland i was like where's that just like north of Scotland I was like is that not the fucking ice cap thing yes you fucking

you fucking Viking I'll walk you back to your longboat oh man oh so I wanted to

ask you more because you're a married man did you plan your wedding much did you have much to do like well

my wife Amy she did the majority of it but it was a pretty it was a pretty lax affair like so we never really we got married

and reception in the same place like you're doing and that makes it a lot easier because you don't have any transport of people and yeah so

i yeah i've got a little like logistical nightmare for everyone like we we had a photographer we got was just someone like we didn't really have any uh like kind of staged photos yeah like when you go to a wedding and the cut that the married couple get taken away for about three hours and they get fucking fuck that noise sit on a hair bail sit on a hair bail on me wouldn't you I do this all the time and then there's like they need to bring in different parts of the family and the picture

just grows and you get some prick like corralling people like cats you know and so so yeah we just had someone that took photos just wandering about so they're all like natural kind of photos of just people

having a laugh people drinking people chatting so that's all we had so ours was a pretty much I've got Marty you know Marty who does the

photographic construct aye aye so basically what's happened is me and Natalie because the hotel that we're staying in where we're getting married

you have to book the hotel for three days but we get we get the honeymoon suite for the day of the wedding so our room's free for that day so we're gonna get it done up and we're like let's just get a photographer in and have that room and then we'll just we'll just book me pal and that's pretty much the extent of the planning we've booked the venue tell people where it is shut the invites out and uh and and book the photographer and we haven't got like any cake or flowers

like if people are coming to a beef line going where's the flowers at where are the cakes you want you don't need the patisserie get yourself a cake

if you want one you don't need the cake but it's getting to the point now where everybody that we're bumming into the house

the wedding planning going I'm like fuck I don't know is there something I'm missing is there something more that we should be planning other than

book a venue book the meal we've got my mate's gonna Ricketts is going to be the celebrant aye he's going to be the one fucking dog

oh nice oh sweet that's brilliant we're not really having a dress code people can rock up and whatever the fuck they want

shoes are optional aye no you don't need all that kind of shite because when we started doing it and they started telling us about

seat covers and charger plates it's like a big plate under your normal plate and they're like three quid a pop what do you mean three quid for a fucking big plate that nobody's even using I can have six

of them each please can you just give me one massive plate do I look fucking Greek you do look a little bit Greek have you got a band

no this is the thing this is one thing where I stepped in a little bit because Natalie was just like oh we'll just get a playlist

and we'll just put a Spotify playlist on and I was like that's a little bit fucking too no frills to just plug your phone in so I got in touch with Brett

you know Brett Vincent he's coming anyway and I was like mate do you mind like fucking picking up the pace of the evening a bit for a couple of hours and he's bringing

his laptop and shit and he's gonna that'll be amazing man we'll probably DJ for a couple of hours that'll be cracking especially as it's in Ibiza

like you can't like you can't get a fucking normal wedding band and shit them out type get a fucking normal wedding band and ship them out to Italy like a fucking dancing queen

and stuff so we've just got that going on and the venue's like it's pretty compact but it's right on the beach so like people

will be like in the atmosphere of the kind of decked area but they'll be able to just wander off and chill on the beach if they want

a bit as well but so because I'm going to play you this audio that I got last night off Natalie right because because we get

a little bit stressed out about not being stressed out a little bit like is there something that we're missing Natalie started having anxiety dreams which

oh yes did you used to get them before doing gigs and stuff I've had them I get do you know what I get this I get a dream

like this is proper Mugly talking about your fucking dreams like it really is I get this dream see especially when the fringe is coming up or

you get a solo show and you've not written you know you know like we always leave it quite late on fucking do enough when we're writing stuff

proper homework on the bus I always have this anxiety dream when I'm back at school and I've got exams coming up and I've done literally fuck all

for them and it's just pure expression of the fact that I've not done anything for the show. It's a worst case scenario.

I think it's quite necessary. It comes up with the fringe. When I first was running the Punch Drunk gigs I would

have fucking dreams about nobody turning up. I would about that fucking acts getting like Like not being able to find their way and not turn up and shit And I would go through all of that and then every now and again fucking there Something bad happens at a gig and it's anywhere near as bad as what you've dealt with in your sleep I hate at the end of no country for old men fucking arm and yourself it is it is proper muggly to talk about dreams which is why which is why I pure hate at the end of

No Country for Old Men I remember that I was fucking loving that movie mate that was instant instant top 10 movie and then at the end no spoilers

because spoilers are muggly even though it's a 2008 film and there should be a decade clause on when you talk about shit fuck it if you haven't watched it you're not bothered

we'll get to that so fuck Tommy Lee Jones talks about two of his dreams at the end of the at the end of the movie aye and

it didn't have anything they really were you know what like oh you might have been able to find some mystic connection with his dream and what's going on aye

but who gives a fuck he's had a dream I agree with you on the dream but I kind of like Gareth's thing that he was basically that was like the title like he was realising the dream bit I kind of like Gareth's thing that he was basically that was like the title

like he was realising that he had no kind of he had no place in that world anymore he didn't have a place in the film if you mind he didn't really interact with any of the

goings on he turned up he turned up late to the scene read a newspaper his deputy was coming along with suggestions and he was like I'm not bothered

I just want to go and watch or whatever he's grinding out his it go to watch it's a proper cold film at some point it is man when he fucking kills the dog

at the beginning the dog's coming he's trying to get the wet bullet out it's a fucking belt such a great acting performance

such great acting and then at the end you know what it felt like right like fucking spoiler alert if you don't want to know what happens

close your ears now close your ears when he gets murdered but like you don't want to know what happens, close your ears now. Close your ears. When he gets murdered, but like you don't see the murder, which is quite artsy, right? You didn't get to see the protagonist die, you just see his dead body. Like, oh, that's brand new.

Never seen that before. Fucking hits you as a shock. Aye, aye. Right? But then the movie rapidly declines and you're like, oh, did that actor quit? And they just wrapped up the movie.

I know what you mean. They just went like oh well do a body up to look like him and we'll do a dream scene at the end and I'll go

I was just like that was the best film I've ever had until like the last 20 minutes I'm going to go and watch it again because it's been a couple of years

since I've seen it so I'm going to go I'm going to revisit it I might actually read fan theories on the ending and then watch it with that in mind

instead of trying to interpret it I think I refused to interpret it because dreams are muggly yeah however

on the topic of muggly dreams listen to this shit if I can find it yeah so Natalie just sometimes when randomly leaves his WhatsApp audios

she's going to play on speaker but check this out so I had some crazy randomly leaves his WhatsApp audios. So he's going to play on speaker. We'll check this out. So I had some crazy... Oh. Start this again. It's coming up there.

What the fuck's going on with my phone? Mate. You can't... What's going on? This is not a podcast as well? I think it's because it's trying to connect shit to the Wi-Fi. Right. So I think it has to be...

Why is it doing that? I have no idea why it's doing that. I'm going to pause the podcast and fix this, right? So it turns out that putting the mic next to your phone cuts off the audio. That's what we're going to do. That's proper. So I'll press play. I've never seen that before.

Put the mic next to the phone and the audio cuts off. So I play it without the mic. It'll work. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to play it so that we can hear it, put the mic near it so it doesn't cut off, and then when I come to edit it, I'll up the audio. But this is Natalie's anxiety dream about our wedding. So I had some crazy, crazy-ass wedding anxiety dreams last night.

Like, I feel like I've not slept. So I basically, in my dream, it was our wedding day wedding anxiety dreams last night like i feel like i've not slept so i basically in my dream it was our wedding day and we were getting married but we were in a synagogue and i was like why the fuck are we in a synagogue except like my dad was going yeah it costs like 1500 quid for the synagogue and i was like what i don't even understand why we booked it like bought it i was like annoyed and then i was waiting outside and i was looking for my dad because he was meant to walk me in, and he disappeared. And for some reason, I knew he was going to go to the toilet

in the woods at the back. I was like, oh, God, I need to wait for my dad because he's gone to the toilet. And then my dress kept changing from white to red, and then we kind of had to, like, wade through the shallow end of this pool. And I was like, oh, my God, my dress is getting wet. I don't think this was part of the plan. And then when I got to you, I was like oh my god my dress is getting wet i don't think this was part of the plan and then when i got to you i was like oh fuck like as i arrived at you i was like oh fuck fuck fuck

we've not run our vows like i don't know what we're gonna say here and uh you were like yeah it's fine i was like we don't have the rings and you were like yeah we need to get rings and um i've got vows and i was like i don't have a vow and then in my mind i was like oh i'll just say this i know what i'm gonna say but it's not gonna be that like it's gonna be like quite short um and then all these like fucking nine-year-old kids were there and they were like just making a mess and being really chavvy and I was like whose fucking kids are these like the whole thing I was I was like having the worst time and I was I woke up this morning like I have not slept all I've done is like have a nightmare

wedding but I woke up delighted that I'm not getting married in a red dress in a synagogue for extra money so actually it's win win so I don't know about you but I think

there's a lot of things Would you know I wouldn't know I know what a synagogue is But I wouldn't recognise a synagogue I just I don't know what defines a synagogue As opposed to other

This venue's ornate Why is the star of David Exactly That sounds like a fucking this venue's all neat yeah exactly why is the star of David everywhere yeah exactly but man that sounds like a fucking pure but I laugh

I woke up in the morning with a headache going did your dad have a shit in the woods when he spent the night

why is there a synagogue in the woods creepy fucking Natalie made last night when you're fucking

knee deep in the fucking pool you're fucking mad couldn't we I went to dress on where did you get that from I changed to red you kept changing red

it was like that one off the Facebook like it's this blue as it called I can't believe you got one of them for the wedding you extravagantly cut

that it cost a lot of money I went I'm changing dress obviously obviously like none of that say none of that's gonna happen but I would genuinely love it It's kind of weird they said it could cost a lot of money to collect change and piss. Obviously, obviously, like, none of that's going to happen,

but I would genuinely love it if just halfway through the ceremony, Natalie's dad just interrupts Ricketts and just goes, just hold on a wee minute, he's going to take a shit behind that rock. Or if he just wades out into the sea, just drops his trues

and lets them float out Natalie runs out after her when her dress gets wet not part of the plan fucking nine year old chaps running around everywhere at a real specific age as well a variety of children

like a fucking classroom a year group on a school trip to the synagogue the usual because as I was saying it's like anxiety dreams

are to prepare you for the worst case scenario acts not showing up the fucking crowd not showing up right but you've got to fucking like bring in your parameters of what is the worst case scenario ah exactly i i that's outlandish i mean i'll tell i'll tell you what was the realistic part of that uh was when she went oh fuck we need rings and i was like oh we need to get rings that would literally be my response

that would be my response I forgot to be one day and we both realised in the heat of organising Ibiza and all the shit we forgot to get rings and she went

oh we need rings I'd be like aye yeah well we don't have rings I think that's as good as stressed as I would get I think the most realistic

part of that dream was how stressed I was when we were going to have rings. Aye, exactly. It's not that stressful. Have you ever... We watched it last night. You ever watched Don't Tell the Bride? Is that the one where the fella chooses everything?

Aye, aye. Aye. So there's a British version of it. And then last night we watched an E4, Don't Tell the Bride, Ireland. And it just takes takes someone to a whole new fucking level it's like all these

fucking gypsy families getting married but it's ridiculous like because when you watch that you realise how ridiculous

weddings are and people put so much pressure on themselves like how can you enjoy the day if you make or manage

every little part of the occasion like and everything has to go to the exact specification of your vision. Aye. You're never going to have a good time? No.

You're going to have a shitter? No. The way I've seen it, right, is like, I've found this excuse to get all of me loved ones, and all of Natalie's loved ones, on the same holder.

Aye. It's like, right, this wedding is my one card that I can play. Aye, exactly. My call, I'm going to call Polly,

Aye. with all of my friends, and everybody has to fucking drop what they're doing and fucking take on the financial burden of coming on me holder but it's me fucking one ticket

to get everyone on holder and so far it's like fucking mission accomplished we've got a we've got a spot a venue and people are starting

to organise themselves and book the accommodation and flights and all that shit right and I'm like I've got everyone on holder and although the main focus is me and Natalie are getting married and the celebration of what together and all that shit, right? And I'm like, I've got everyone on hold and although the main focus

is me and Natalie are getting married and the celebration of what togetherness and shit like that, right? What it's facilitating is important.

Now, whether there's a flower arrangement or like I said, I booked the cakes or if the fucking doves fly and the fucking, all this fucking trimmings, right?

There, by the by, I've got Natalie in front of us, we're getting married, I've got our mates around us on a beach. Like, even if fucking, like, I've got Natalie in front of us, we're getting married, we've got our mates around us, we're on a beach, like even if fucking,

like I can't imagine, like even if it started raining, now Natalie would be fucking pissed if it started raining, but we're going to have a good time, aren't we? Exactly, yeah. We're going to have a belt up.

So whatever happens, as long as we're all there, we're out, there's alcohol flowing, we can get in touch with a sketchy dealer. Who's that guy? Who's that guy in the top table?

Who's that Mexican looking fella in the top table? Scabs around his mouth. Oh fuck, he's making a speech. Everyone in the room is. Why do everyone have to talk to him So See Ricketts

Did he have to go through Did he have to do any courses Or shit like that For the Nah because it's abroad So it's Ah right So it's just all

Ah cool So we'll have to do Paperwork In closed doors Like back home But To officiate it So he doesn't need

A bit of Oh it sounds So he can just Basically do it the way he wants to do it? Because it's ceremonial. Oh, sound! So he can just fucking lead it in any... Whatever, fucking bring his gospel choir, see what he pulls out the back.

Imagine he took on something like you did it in a voodoo religion or some shit like that. He brought, like, fucking monkeys with human faces and shit like that. Like a festival of the dead. We had a we had a celebrant what's the non-religion? A humanist.

A humanist, yeah. We had a humanist and she's a lovely, lovely woman. She's like one of the top humanists. I think she did like she like one of the top like humanists I think she did like she did one of the first gay marriages

in Scotland and she's she did Patrick Harvey's marriage leader of the not the Liberal Party the Green Party you got the humanist

to the stars yeah yeah celebrity humanist so she's like this kind of middle aged woman so she's she's like this kind of middle-aged woman

and she's she's a lesbian as well and when I told my pals I told like Caldo and that we're having a lesbian

they were like oh it's like she's like proper proper lesbian practicing lesbian aye and I was like

aye I'm pretty sure and they were like so is there any chance we'll get to like see and I was like what the fuck do you think

is going to happen if she was straight if she was straight do you think she's the fuck do you think is gonna happen as if she's gonna just hoik amy's mum away just to fucking fester halfway through the ceremony it's like of course nothing's gonna happen you fucking idiot like oh man um my my mate keith uh came out of uh to his parents right and they kind of already knew, you know. I think you know the Keith I'm talking about as well, do you know? I don't want to give you his identity way too much. Respect his privacy. But he came out to his parents,

and then his mum got him to a cell later on and went, I know you're getting everything, Keith, but don't hit on your dad. Don't hit on your dad. Don't hit on your dad? Oh, my God. He's like, Mum. What the fuck? Did you think before I came out I would have had my eyes on you?

No, you don't. No, my God. No hitting on your dad. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a horrible upbringing that would be if you fancied your dad. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a horrible upbringing that would be if you fancied your dad. Oh, Jesus. Just fucking breastfeeding of your mum

with iron up your dad's tits. That next step, no one has lost his routines. Didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your tits away, mum. Dad can't cock out. as routines didn't he yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but I did the way my dad came cocked

oh god that's fucking brilliant what about that oh man so

we'll do some muggle corners right yeah you had some left over from last time

didn't you did you make some new ones are you gonna you gonna put them on I have I have got a new one but it's a bit I don't know

it's a bit it's a bit wanky well I quite like I wanted to stretch because that's what makes it a discussion discussion right like sometimes

there's like a shoe in and there's not much discussion to be had but sometimes sometimes we'll get the ones where we'll put it in muggle corner like fucking

or like putting your fucking bag on the train seat and you're like that ain't Muggly that's just been an asshole aye aye aye

that's just been a dick aye so do you want to explain right and what's good about this one is it's one that I've been guilty of in the past

as well it's people that show fake humility aye particularly like comics do it all the time so on a Facebook status

if a Facebook status comes up and you have you've been publicising a show and the show's sold out and then you go oh my god this is incredible I can't believe this is happening me I mean me selling out a show

I can't believe this is happening or then someone gets like booked for a TV show and they'll come on and go, well someone's clearly made a mistake because for some reason I've been booked for this it's so fucking it's so attention seeking

but not thinking you've been attention seeking but you've actually gone worse than if you'd gone if you'd come out and gone I've been booted for this about fucking time

then you'd look like a dick but at least you wouldn't be calculating do you know what I mean? I used to have that working class overwhelmed feeling

of like oh my god this shouldn't be happening to me I'm getting away with it I used to have that but now when I'm on my trip to la i'm just like it it just feels normal now and i love it like i'm bracing i'm just like fucking course i'm

getting la not like not like fucking fanning my face from my hand like oh my god i know i know i know i know i've earned me stripes in this industry i can fucking i can get about now there's a way you can do it as well there's a way you can show like kind of you don't need to be arrogant about it you can be humble yeah but you can also go i fucking worked hard for this and i kind of you know i mean like if you sell out a show all you really need to do is go i'm delighted to have done this thanks so much to everybody that's bought one uh i'm really looking forward to the gig now. That's it. You don't need to go oh my god, this is unreal.

How did this ever happen? It happened because you publicised it and you wanted it to sell out. It's a natural thing that's happened to do with what the fuck you did. It's not like, it's the booty of labour. Yeah, exactly. They plant the seed and go, oh my god, I can't believe it,

I grew a flower and we got a tree. They had only planted that seed and watered it every day. Yeah. If you'd booked a show and then purposely made sure no one ever knew about it, and then you'd sold it out,

then you can go, I can't believe this has happened. How the fuck did this happen to me? Because you genuinely think there's been a mistake. Exactly. Aye, aye. But when you've actually

put it up and advertised it it's like I just there was one moment that was my first ever fringe show in Perth

right in Australia my first ever solo show in overseas really and I'm there and I fucking sell out on the first day of the thing

right and I'm like I can't believe it how the fuck's this happened and it's because the pub crawl had double booked onto that night so they had the other pub crawl people in and I genuinely couldn't believe it how the fuck's this happened and it's because the pub crawl had double booked onto that night

so they had the other pub crawl people in and I genuinely couldn't believe why it was full so then I found out why it was full and I was like

fucking sweet I'll take it no exactly the disbelief come from actually genuinely being in disbelief and you do take that

and that's what's good about that's what's good about comics as well and that's what's good about our kind of group because if anybody gets that you're able to fucking slice someone down in a nice way to be get back down

to earth like so i remember um i remember the first like because i'm going down to do the so i'm going down to manchester today to do the comedy store and i remember the first night i was asked to close the comedy store and that's a big fucking deal that's the top of the tree the comedy store is the top of the tree in the circuit comedy and then closing it is like the fucking top run yeah totally and so I was like properly like

properly muggling it up like this is like a dream come true and all this kind of shit like I can't believe I've been trusted to close and then I think it was Alex Borman came on and went it's just because everybody else is doubling me and you go of course it's the only fucking reason that's the only reason why i'm doing it i don't give a shit but uh i just i and and like i say i've been very guilty of it and I probably will be again

yeah I'm like I I think it's a transition you make I think anybody that's new and like coming through and starting to get a break

it is it is overwhelming yeah and I feel like it it's memories more of it and I know working class is a

discussion in comedy lately but it's it's maybe a working class trait that you've done your time in factories aye you've done your fucking time

with a fucking glass ceiling of a shit industry and then you come into this industry where all of a sudden there's fucking you're flying and that's why

I've been I've been a little bit annoyed by the the working class argument about there's a discrimination within comedy towards working class people do you feel discriminated against

no not at all I feel fucking like I feel like I've almost been like a class tourist where I am working class

to my roots but I'm living this middle class life that's been forwarded to me by comedy it's not that they've kept us down

it's like I'm fucking out of the Alps next week I'm gonna join in and go oh yeah this fucking working class gets discriminated against I'm just going of the Alps next week I'm going to join in and go oh yeah this fucking working class gets discriminated against

I'm just going skiing you're staying in the Ibis it's bringing us back to the fucking earth it is but it's a thing probably in North England as well it's definitely a Scottish thing where you kind of

apologise for doing well it's like a it's like it's like a kind of people don't people like to see people succeed but only to a point and then they start to go who the fuck do you think you are you're no many better than us so you kind of like and you find yourself i find myself making excuses for stuff like if you if you if you're talking to somebody about a holiday or something like that that you would consider a bit extravagant I always feel the need to go

the only reason we've got a cracking deal on it we've got a great deal you can't possibly go yeah I can afford to go on this holiday now you have to make an excuse of how you were able to afford to go on it it's just that kind of... I do feel that working class guilt gets us from time to time.

This happened, went to the Festival of Lights at Canary Wharf. So Natalie's friend organised the whole thing and me and Natalie went to get a guided tour around it with the girl who organised it. And we get to one of the main attractions and there's a big queue to use it because you get the photo taken but then your photo

instantly gets projected onto the wall but you can't cast a shadow on it and you can use these lights to draw on it with neon and it's fucking amazing

you just become as if you've been graffitied onto the wall and it's brilliant it was a fucking remarkable thing to look at and interact with

and everything but there's a massive queue of people waiting to use it. But because Pip-Man organised the whole thing, she just walked up to the front, went, these are my friends, can they have a go? And I was looking at this queue going, this isn't right. And these there, Natalie and Pip-Man didn't feel a thing because they're pretty girls,

they haven't queued for shit. Aye, aye, exactly, aye. And I'm there, there's this fucking little street urchin guy. Aye, aye. I don't deserve to be fucking not standing with him. Aye. And I felt like I came with it for... I'm going to take a wild stab that Peppa isn't working class.

What, the girl that organised the festival of mates at Canary Wharf didn't come from the mean streets of fucking Easter House? Very few families in Govan grow up calling their kids Peppa Peppa Peppa your fucking house your sister's left the bathwater Felicity get out of the bath

Sebastian oh man you better not be playing in my golf club Sebastian oh man did you used to do that in the car share the bath water oh aye aye

we do it we do it with the kids now like we do it aye fuck aye aye because you can it's not harming it aye

it's not saving the bother plus you didn't like because we we bath the kids every night aye and I remember only having like

a bath a week I remember you sick Sunday night that fucking that happened to last year you started changing that

you see oh Christ I've got gosh yeah we'll mock you come in I've got fucking 700 magic trees

hanging from the it's like it's like that guy in Seven where they go and eat shrimp that's one back the week we had Stephen what's your brother's name Paul

Paul close oh man but I fucking had a shower and a bath and fucking your mother used to shout doing the street running it was your turn used to shout to you in the street

when it was your turn for the bath do you think I don't remember that no no I used to fucking hide me I used to make them come looking for us

I was a nightmare for getting off the street aye you know when you're playing on the street and that that never happens now you never see kids

playing on the street parents shooting from their step to get their kids back in but you never even see see when kids get a bike for Christmas

that was a proper fucking excellent Christmas morning when you got your first bike and you just take it out

in the street and just ride about in it all day you don't see that shit anymore paedophiles

have stopped that they've started running faster paedophiles are in training you know what

me and my mates used to do this I don't know if this was a common thing but we used to make ramps right just like bits of fucking wood

at the allotments and all that and lie the other kids doing at the other side of the ramp so you would have like two or three kids lying down

and then you would fucking ride up the ramp and jump the kids fucking Evel Knievel kind of thing yeah shit and then you would get like five or six

and you'd have to get like a massive fucking pedal up the street but when it started getting to the fucking heavy end right we've got

my mate Andy my mate Andy's cut down syndrome right it has now after someone leathered him on the side of the head

with a rally racer you never you never used to have it a fucking wheel what happened Andy a wheelie Raleigh Rees you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know

you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you because I talked about the first time I had Equis I bumped into him I went back to his house because I was with his brother and when I get to him fucking Andy was up watching the wrestling and I was fucking

he had the exact same ecstasy as me from seeing his pal that he hasn't seen in a couple of years right as I had from being on ecstasy so I was talking about

that I was just like fucking like I have to take a pill to feel as happy as this cunt there's a slogan Down syndrome nature's ecstasy

it is he's a fucking belter man he's such a he's got a mint sense of humour and all this happened right

I was playing football in the park this is awful we used to always put him in nets because he's got palms of his hands

are quite thick so I thought he didn't need to keep my gloves I'm just naive as kids I do that with cannon pegs right and my dad

should have knew better right but my dad took a fucking shot your dad was playing the game for fuck's sake my dad took a shot

and they did fucking hand you right in the face right all terrain ball you know them fucking the ones that

haven't got like the patches stitched on they're just like a fuck they're made of rubber and it belted

him in the face and Andy fucking doubled over he didn't hit the deck but he doubled over at the

hips and he's feeling his face and then he puts his hand around the back of his head and starts feeling

the back of his head right and my dad come up like and started stroking his back and went

yeah alright Andy what are you rubbing the back of your head right and my dad come up and started stroking his back and went yeah right Andy what are you rubbing the back of your head for and Andy went I'm looking for my nose his nose had been

smashed through to the back of his head I love that putting my goatee in thick hands where does that stop and Andy you're gonna move

these hot coals where it doesn't stop nobody had the bottle to be the fucking last man on the line of the fucking ramp except Andy but we didn't

know at the time because we were fucking kids right we didn't know that he had no inhibitions because of his disability we just thought he was brave as fuck

like I just thought the kid was a tank he was a hero he was a hero like fuck man you play knock your door ginger like everyone's bottling knocking the kid was a tank he's a hero he's a hero like fuck man you play knock your door ginger like everyone's bottling knocking on Mr Barris

because he's fucking quick to the door and he shakes his stick right he gets a bead on you he'll be the one that tells your parents you know he didn't want to say it

he's like go on Andy knock on Mr Barris the cunt will fucking wait they're all like Andy go and fucking take a truce with this dude knock on Mr Barris he fucking stood there

with his pants around his ankles but no he better we just thought we just thought he had fucking balls of steel man but he was one of my fucking best balls

I didn't mean to tell this story oh god that's fucking all he is I had a great time there oh I love the

cut me like but I always got at the end on the ramp sort of scene now I took a blow now I took you know

this is a funny thing with Andy and Al we play hide and seek we played we called it 21er for years I've only known hide and seek

to be known 21er it got passed down from the other kids the older kids in the street well they play 21er and then you play and then you play

with younger kids and you call it 21er it's still in this day called 21er why though what's the I was just having a little fucking peruse no i see the other day i was a couple of arrogant but i was as an adult you know it's like comedians

or the other day i was just perusing running my street just like you know just detecting the nostalgia of like i'm whacking running my childhood street much anymore and i looked at the lamppost and the lamppost had a serial code on it i'll lamppost do and it started with 2-1 and I was like oh the old kids must do the one that's den all the time the lamppost

that you always use as dens like lamppost ah cool that's nice that's pretty smart so that must be why it's called 21er when we were playing 21er

there's a little wall so there's a the lamppost there and across from the lamppost to the garages like I'm going to say like 10 metres away and the garages got a little wall. So there's a lamppost there. And across from the lamppost, the garage is, like, I'm going to say, like, 10 metres away. And the garage has got this little wall across where there's a car park and space. And he used to always hide in the nearest spot, like, towards the wall and just lie doing flan. He would always, always just fucking run past him and not, like, as if he's not there. He'd just jump over the wall and be like, 21.

You hear me? Because, you know, if you's not there and he just jumped over the wall and be like, 21. Yeah, because you know, if you went and you caught him fucking straight away, that means he was on. Aye. The game would never end.

No, I think you knew that, like, I think you knew, well, they're not going to catch me first. Aye. Because the person that's caught first

is on next. Aye, aye, aye, aye. And the next game's going to be fucking... The game's a farce. Everyone's hiding,

he's fucking trying to get a bit of chewing gum off the fucking tarmac with a stick. Like, fucking Andy, man, you're going to be looking for... What a lovely bastard. So, I don't know how we digressed so far. I know, I know.

So, aye. But your Muggle corner was? Aye, insincere humbleness. Insincere humbleness insincere call it that and it's like the opposite kind of humble bragging but the opposite of humble bragging and it's um you know it's you know what's really tough about this job what's tricky it's not it's not tough it's a real like fucking luxury but it's tricky is that you want to

document your life on Facebook you want to let people know where you're going where you are you also want it to be I use Facebook as a little bit of a diary

because I love the time hop I love it when it comes up oh totally yeah oh this time last year I was there because you're fucking darting around and it's a good

dear diary it's a good way to put where you're going but you start feeling like just by documenting your life you're rubbing it in people's faces you don't want to look

like a dick and that's that working class guilt as well because you know what it's like to be stuck in a factory on your break and you look at Facebook

and see one of your fucking pals exactly in LA in the Alps you're proud of it and you want to talk about it but it's

it's a funny one of how do you package it how do you even if you're going to put it online how to talk about it but it's a funny one of how do you package it how do you even if you're going to put it online how do you do it without looking like a dick it's hard eh

it's hard to talk about good things that are happening to you without which brings us on to do you know I'm going to I think I'm going to

call my show this year Team Smug right nice because I want to rebrand the way we see Smug because this is where Team Smug came from it's like a saying within my group

we were on holiday in Magaluf 2014 and it was like a Las Vegas moment you know where you relive an old holiday with the same people so we went on the first stag do with my mates in 2007 we went to Magaluf

in the same group of lads, went for a different lads' wedding seven years later in 2014, right? And we were just there, like, reliving what old stomping ground. And everyone at this point, so the first time we went, like, most people are single, right? The first time we go, most people are married. And there was 15 lads there, 14, were either married or in long-term relationships. And one lad, Ricketts, who wasn't.

He's the one single fucking unit in the group. And on a night out when he was getting shots, he told a girl he would buy shots for everybody in the group if she got her boobs out for a photo, right? So fucking Ricketts gets herself with a shot girl in a tatsuit. And posted it online the next day. And that next day was a fucking divide in the group between seven of the boys who were getting a fucking world of shit off that bird back home, right?

Fucking whacking around the pool on the phone, dealing with text messages, face a fucking, like, slapped arse. And just fucking seven of them were just there, fucking cocktail in hand, sipping away. None that were not getting shit. And we were smug up with it. Aye. We were properly smug. It was team getting shit aye and we're smug up with it aye we're properly smug it was team smug and team not so smug

and that's where everything that we're fucking had to do the way we had to split into fucking teams was that even now right

this is fucking 2018 this is four years later we'll play five a side and we'll play team smug versus team not so smug we'll play five a side I'm fucking joking there's people who get

shit off that bed and people who are living a fucking nice simple easy life that's quality yet yet smug is something that's frowned upon

isn't smug isn't smug something we should aim for have you looked up the dictionary definition of smug no it's self satisfied

surely you should be satisfied in yourself right aye it's like it's pleased with yourself and proud of yourself aye

fucking champion aye so we spend our life tell people like have confidence in yourself believe in yourself but the minute you have confidence in yourself the minute you do believe in yourself you're like who's that cunt yeah so as soon as you achieve the goal that everyone's fucking encouraging you to achieve you smoke hi and that's a bad thing but that's that's a again that's a not not just a working class thing that's a lot of a school thing as well because if you ever meet people from private schools um like i've day like we used to we went to we took my daughter to uh like it wasn't like a day so again i'm

apologizing it wasn't like a private school dance class but it was just a dance class and they used the hall of the private school. Was that in the NHS? You go in and there's like slogans everywhere and you can see like, people come out of private school and people kind of go, oh they get into jobs because

they know someone or their dad works there, their dad plays golf with the guy that works there. And a lot of the time it's not, it's just they come out of school with so much more self-confidence because they're taught that from school. Yeah. Whereas where we went to school,

you're kind of taught that you're fucking useless most of the time. Yeah, I mean... Any kind of confidence is beating out you because... Reach the age of fucking 20, you kind of swim. Right, exactly. You know what I mean?

So that is a that is a massive thing it's a proper private education gives you that self well any any private lessons like

we I used to be a swimming teacher and we would do that one of the selling points for the one to one lessons is that it improves your confidence and I guess that works

with anything that's where you're doing like guitar lessons and you do and all and doing martial arts, gymnastics. Any kids that are doing extracurricular lessons and becoming good at something are going to end up with confidence.

Yeah, of course. Because you end up where you're a fucking dummy with no skills and basic foundation level. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, aye. So I think it's a fine line with that smokiness, isn't it? You want to be proud of your achievements and you want to be you want to be happy aye

but I suppose it comes down to yourself if you feel like you're being a dick putting it up then and the thing is

of your lording over people with your achievements aye like your achievements should all be personal you shouldn't be like benchmarked against other people

yeah and you also aye there is a fine line between showing off and just being chuffed at what you're up to. And I don't think, I mean, I don't,

I don't think anyone's ever really, even though we both clearly feel like we're kind of doing that, no one's ever come up to me and gone, fucking rein that in a bit because. You smoke prick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? They're just talking about what's up prick. Aye, aye, aye. You know what I mean? Aye, they're just talking about WhatsApp groups.

I would love to see. Because I think everybody in the world has been talked about at some point in a WhatsApp group. Oh, crazy. Like, if you haven't been, if you haven't been, you're dull as fuck.

Aye, aye, aye. You're dull to the point of mediocrity. Aye, aye, aye. People can't even be bothered to hate in you. So, I would fucking love, and like, I wouldn't even be mad hating you. I would fucking love and like, I wouldn't even be mad

at the people. Like, you know, if I was to see a fucking ticker tape of shit that was said about me by people in WhatsApp groups, I wouldn't even have to

see any further people saying it because I believe that if people are talking shit behind your back, right, that's their property. I don't think that's anything to do with you.

I've got this. I just feel safe in front of myself if anyone looks through my phone but i would fucking love to see that shit like it would be interesting it would be funny interesting oh man like i i've seen these um like sometimes like one minute promo videos i don't know what what platform they're on but where people are reading out hate mail that they got off Twitter oh yeah like what's his name

one of the one of the talk shows it's either Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon is that what it is ah yeah but that's oh it's hilarious

it's absolutely fucking hilarious they've because what they're getting is like is major celebrities I think Conor McGregor done one

yeah like when they're major celebrities they don't need to say into people's whatsapp groups to say into people's whatsapp groups to say the shit people are talking

because people say them as like this fucking disconnected entity that they're not human so they can just talk about them publicly

so they're like it floods over from whatsapp into social media and they get to say that shit but you can see when they're reading

it out they're totally at peace with what the fuck people say they're like I'm doing alright I'm doing good

there was a there was a time that because that's twitter that's a lot that's like twitter gives you because it used to be like if you hated a celebrity and you wanted to let them know you'd have to fucking you'd have to go into some work like you'd have to find out that you'd have to be a genuine right right to them and then like we're posting get a stump exactly whereas now you can just sit and but I felt bad about it once I was coming back from a gig

on a Sunday after a weekend and Joe Heenan another comic, mint comic mint on Facebook and Twitter as well, amazing on Twitter if any listeners aren't following Joe Heenan follow Joe Heenan, yeah so he'd put a tweet up saying that Groundhog Day was on that afternoon on Channel 5

and how it was one of his favourite films. So I'd replied to him and gone, one of my favourite films as well. It's such a good film. Even Andy McDowell can't ruin it. Yeah. And I hadn't like attied her in or anything like that. I'd just put her name.

And then about an hour later, me and Joe both get a reply from the real Andy McDowell. Oh my god. Asking us who they'd have had in the film instead of her. Oh no. And then I went on her page and she had replies to so

many people who'd been slagging her off because of ground. And I was like that kind of... I felt bad because I was like, well that's not fair. I've never met the woman and I'm just slagging her off in a public forum yeah but then i was also kind of going she's looking for she's looking for like she must have known that groundhog day was on in britain on channel five that afternoon and then searched her own name for abuse and that's kind of like well we're just like this is a resurgence yeah it's like oh it's getting played again yeah yeah this is my that's horrible like searching your god it was just like this is a resurgence yeah it's like oh it's getting played again

yeah yeah but that's horrible like searching your own you know searching for abuse about yourself it happened also but it wasn't a reply

but I I put a tweet about Mr Hudson you know the singer yeah yeah yeah so I remember seeing him at the Clooney right I was checking out the venue

for a comedy gig in like 2009 right and Mr Hudson was on and I was like this fucking guy's amazing loved him in 2009, and Mr. Hudson was on, and I was like, this fucking guy's amazing. Loved him. Next thing you know, he's got a song in the charts with Kanye in Jay-Z a couple of months later, and he just went fucking stratospheric

from seeing him in the Clooney. Stratospheric. And I listen to that album everywhere. It still brings back memories if I put it on because that's when I first started travelling with comedy. So it takes us to fucking wandering around and being on trains, and it takes us back memories if I put it on because that's when I first started travelling with comedy so it takes us to fucking wandering around and being on trains

and it takes us back to that moment it's kind of a shame that it was flash in the pan but you know what he's probably doing alright if you've hit it that big you're probably going to be

grand for a while right aye aye aye and I just tweeted I wonder what Mr Hudson's doing now he probably works in the post office or something right

and fucking not that long after fucking Mr. Hudson likes this fucking hearted and I look him up and I just think fuck it's actually him

and I like he's not a cello but have you ever seen James Blunt engaging with people oh it's amazing he's one of the best on Twitter

but his comebacks are so fucking good they're so good we I'll tell you the story we we had this it was on my

my stag my stag do it was in Magaluf as well and me and my pal Murphy were walking back like late at night I think it was it was just the two of us

walking back at like three in the morning and there was a load of commotion in one of the bars and a load of girls around one guy and it was remember Bass Hunter

yeah like the kind of Euro dance act he was in one of the bars and a load of girls around one guy and it was remember Bass Hunter yeah like the kind of Euro dance act he was in one of the big brothers and what's going on over there I'm going to have to look up the tune after I can't remember it it's like a decent long guy like long kind of blonde hair

so we were we were passing him and oh that fucking bass hunter fucking bass hunter and I just because I was so pissed

on such an obnoxious prick because it was like when you're on holiday away you don't think you got your holiday head on the rules apply

Britain broad yeah exactly so I just went you're a fucking cunt bass hunter right so my pal's laughing his arse off

and we're fucking giggling and running away and then we ended up about an hour later in the same bar as him and he was sitting beside him just at the bar and just kind of went up to him

and he was like, sorry about calling you a cunt there, mate. And he went, that's all right, it happens all the time. And then we had a drink together. He was sound as fuck. But it was nice that he knew

that you don't have tongue in cheek to him because he had a mask tongue and cheek to him aye aye aye he would have probably just thought you were a pot of muggle I know because it's aye I know

fucking people always think that Cal is a cunt I know it's so ridiculous I know so I'm going to we're running

fine on time I don't mind overrunning a little bit because it's been a fun podcast but we'll do one more Muggle Corner go

right I'm gonna put in Muggle Corner for people who say that sneezing's a fifth of an orgasm right okay yeah

it's like a fact that isn't a fact and I don't know if the people saying it like no it's not a fact or where does it come from and why are people peddling so there isn't there's no scientific basis to what i'm gonna say no i think it's safe to say that it's not the fifth of an orgasm no because if you think what

an orgasm is what a sneeze is they're not even fucking on the same ballpark not even the same sport fucking pissing i know it would an orgasm I'm having a piss to someone coming up and I'm getting a sensation in that area it's a fraction and that would be blowing up a balloon

and getting out of breath is closer to an orgasm than it is yeah strangling yourself in the bathroom there's a great there's a great

there's a great old joke where it's like a woman goes into work a woman's been to the doctor and at work and her pal says to her, why are we at the doctor's this morning? She was like, oh, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. And she said, are you taking anything for it? And she went, yeah, pepper. That's such a good joke.

Unless that's it. I'm sneezing and going, that feels nothing like an orgasm. Why is that a thing? But I've never had a female orgasm no exactly aye aye so maybe it's just a female orgasm

but surely which means which if it is they're over exaggerating when they have one aye aye aye but see if you do you must have sneezed like

a lot a couple of times in a row yeah when you get like most of the time it's like three but sometimes you fucking go for it and have like six. Have a bluster. So surely,

at that point, you'd be like, but the last one, you'd be, exactly. Because they come straight after. It's not like you have a sneeze and then half an hour later

you have the second one. They come straight after one another. I'm right. You don't need scientific proof to prove that that's not a fact, don't you? You just need basic common sense to go, no, no, it's not a fact don't you you just need basic common sense

to go no no it's not nah that's absolute bullshit so anybody whoever says that's a fifth of an orgasm

and tries to pass on that pseudoscience there's a little nugget of information out the door aye aye and why a fifth

does that mean does that mean the first like the first fifth of your wank is the equivalent to a sneeze. I just got out of the bathroom for a sneeze.

Just get yourself to the very start of the video. Glad I cleared my sinuses. Oh, hay fever season again. Maybe that's why you get your bird flowers on Valentine's Day. Hope she's got hay fever. Cool, the orgasm of her life. So, yeah, nice quick one, so we can get on with that joke.

I would pitch that straight in. That's straight in, isn't it? I'm going to put in peddling pseudoscience as knowledge. Aye. Without any fucking research. In fact, when it's quite obvious. peddling pseudoscience as knowledge. Aye. Without any fucking research. In fact, when it's quite obvious, anything along the lines of that is straight in. And yours was the disbelief in your own success. Yeah, yeah, aye.

As a platform to show people your success. Aye. So they're both straight in. So have yourself in the middle of the corner if you're guilty of both of those. And we're going to plug some shit before we do dad jokes cool

we've both got Glasgow Comedy Festival coming up we do I think they're on the same night actually on the 9th on the 9th yeah

yes so I'm on at 7.15 at Yes Bar and I'm on at 8.30 at The Stand The Stand and you can dash

between the two yep I'll come in a couple of minutes early just to make sure they've got time to get a pint at the bar aye and that's on the 9th of March yep I'll come in a couple of minutes early just to make sure they've got time to get a pint at the bar aye

aye aye aye and that's on the 9th of March yep I'm doing one on the 8th as well you're doing so you're doing the 8th and 9th 8th and 9th yeah and I'm doing the

both at the same time both at the stand no the 8th one starts at half 7 so a bit earlier there we go because it's a Saturday you had to move it on to 8.30

because on the Friday because of Clash Romaine yes aye yeah the demand was too high the fan bases are too similar Moving on to 8.30 because on the Friday because of Clash Romain. Yes. Aye. Yeah. The demand was too high. The fan bases are too similar.

They ship them across. I noticed as well you've got your poster's built up by the way. Aye. It's the remix of the poster but you've also called it the remix. Yeah, yeah.

It's the remix of the show with the likes of Adaptation. Because you need to add the extra like half an hour onto it because Oh, you're doing extended? Yeah, because they want The director's cut.

They always want a break so that they can sell like it's in front of you when you come in and it's like a show so it's I've tried it before

where like get a support act in and then I've tried it before where you just kind of stop during the middle of the show and it

there's no natural stop bit to it so it just feels weird so that's I'm actually kind of rewriting it so that there is a natural kind of yeah so there's closure no natural stop bit to it so it just feels weird so that's I'm actually kind of rewriting it so that there is a natural kind of

stop bit yeah and adding updating it really I'm going to come to it definitely man I'm going to come I'll dash over

I'll start a convoy with me audience seven you're doing Yes Bar which is a fucking belt in our room yeah it's a lovely room I've performed there before

I can't remember what it was did they have like a regular comedy night or something it feels like a proper kind of You're doing Yes Bar which is a fucking belt in our room. Yeah. It's a lovely view. I've performed there before. I can't remember what it was. Did they have like a regular comedy room or something? It feels like a proper kind of New York comedy room. A basement.

Aye, aye. It's really nice. So yes, I guess we'll just plug those and also I'm going to plug the comics box in Fight for the Gen.

Oh yes, yes. It's now available for download. I'm going to share it this afternoon. Mark Nelson fought against Gavin Webster I fought against

Gavin Humphreys just battering Gavin it was a brilliant evening it was one of the best nights of my life still the best

night of my life I say that but I'm not married and I don't have kids it's actually I'm not even it goes James McFadden's

goal against France the boxing and then amazing so so that's available for download

for just a fiver and it's a fucking amazing two hours of entertainment and it's hilarious beginning to end because the

Rod Gilbert hosted it yeah to like legendary performances yeah but the the commentary team the commentary box

was John Robertson who was just relentlessly from beginning to end calling the fight I sit down it was like a roast yeah

it was like a roast all the way through it was phenomenal in every fight he was joined by a different comedian who either had their fight or had a fight coming up

and joined them in the comedy box so the the comedy value and the antics in the ring and also a big shout to Barry Castagnola

Barry Castagnola for putting all the filming together and the editing he's made it look like a Hollywood blockbuster yeah the trailer is proper spine tingling

like it's like it's unreal it's absolutely amazing and it's so if you don't know the story with Cain we raised money with the boxing

and various other fundraisers in the area to get him treatment in America for his neuroblastoma which wasn't the treatment wasn't available on the NHS

so he went to America and he's had the treatment and by all accounts he's made a full recovery he's back to school and he's a healthy young boy. He was told that he had 0% chance. And when he went over there, he had the money for the treatment.

But he didn't have the money for his aftercare. He's been back and forth to America seven times to get checkups and treatment, which is all incurring debt. So he's got a bit of debt to clear. So every £5 for a download is going towards the debt that he's got to clear for his medical bills so it's very very worthwhile it's worthwhile you're going to be entertained

with as much entertainment as you will ever get for £5 unless you buy him a How To Be Happy MP3 and I noticed Simon Cowell

still involved in the yeah I read a story about him in the paper the other day that he took them along to

I can't remember, was it one of the shows? Like he took Cian and the family along? His son's birthday. Oh, it was his son's birthday? Yeah, that was. Yeah, it was, yeah. His son's friend, okay.

Yeah. What happened is when we were making all this noise with the boxing and we had the 100 heroes on the go, Simon Cowell, because people from the comedy industry and people from Blythe in the North East were tweeting celebrities and they're getting retweets off like

Irvin Welsh and shit they were just reaching out to anybody and when Simon Cowell got reached to it he got in touch with the family direct and paid for

all of his flights and accommodation and then topped up the rest of the fund Stunning Stunning Really good So

to find the fight go on Facebook and search for the group which is Fight4Kan K-I-A-N Fight4Kan So to find the fight, go on Facebook and search for the group, which is Fight4Kane, K-I-A-N, Fight4Kane. It'll say Comics Boxing, Fight4Kane, and all the links are there. If you want a hard copy DVD, that's available. If you want to download it, that's there.

And that's the plugs over. Now we're going to stick it to each other's dads. Your dad, Mark, your dad got fired from work ages ago but he hasn't told your mum yet. Every morning he grabs his lunch and he's out the door by 8am and he just goes fishing and he's convinced your mum that he's started getting paid in fish. Your dad, Kai,

stays up till half five in the morning every night to watch The Curlin'. The Curlin'? He fucking does, but it's the PlayStation. He stays up till five in the morning playing fucking PlayStation. He's not far off. Your dad pulls his sleeve over his hand to stroke dogs. Your dad is delighted that McDonald's have brought out the mini-mac

because he could never handle a normal one. Your dad was on jury service and he kept saying guilty in a really camp gay man's voice when the judge asked for the verdict. Your dad pretends he was in the TA when he chats up widowers at their husband's funeral. Oh no! The TA!

The TA! Oh my god Your dad lies in an empty bathtub to take a shower Anytime your dad plays FIFA He still does the EA sports It's in the game Your dad still does the EA Sports. It's in the game. Your dad accidentally killed a horse in a car accident. Now he does all the horse's old duties

to make up for it, like carrying policemen around on match day. Yeah. I can't remember if I did this one. Your dad still queues up for the next sale I don't think he did but he still does even if he didn't he still does it

your dad waits outside the high school in his MX5 to pick up his 16 year old girlfriend he revs the engine whenever your dad does a barbecue he wears a chef's hat and one of those aprons with massive tits

your dad watches porn with a notepad and pen and he sends editorial feedback to the producer. Your dad regularly stays in Witherspoon's hotels. Oh my god, I didn't blame him for having this piece of shit. Your dad stands in shit on purpose and says make a wish.

Your dad uses a shoehorn he made at a woodwork night class your dad cuts his own head with a knife this is so stupid your dad preferred the American badass version of the Undertaker this is disgusting your dad flayed the flesh off his index finger and filed the bone down to a point

so he can get right in there when he's picking his nose that's all I've got to say about your dad that's me as well that's how we're doing Mark thanks for coming on the podcast thanks man

that was a vintage one very fun I figured off to the Alps on Sunday I'm fine it's going to be good so on the Sunday after what's the Sunday after because it made me think like when you said You're off to the Alps on Sunday. Aye. I'm fine. It's going to be good. Oh, no, it's the Sunday after.

Oh, it's the Sunday after. Because it made me think, like, when you said you were at the comedy store this weekend in Manchester. Aye. There's an extra plug. You can see Mark in Manchester. Aye. I'm on the weekend after.

Oh, nice. In Manchester. Oh, you've got a weekend at the store and then off to the... Oh, lovely. Do you know, I've done the fucking... I don't know if I've mentioned this. I've probably done it a million times.

I've done the best weekend comedy last week I done Punch Drunk Run which is arguably the best midweek run and then the London Comedy Store which is the best weekend run and then I fucking flew to LA on Sunday I think it's all downhill from here downhill

I couldn't believe it happened to us I couldn't believe it I was like this is unreal what me little me fucking hell right cheers Mark

bye thank you