Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flower of Death (Ft. Dan Nightingale, Amy Le Owens & Dean Coughlin)

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

The Royal Rumble of podcast crossovers presenting Amy and Dean of 'The Mild High Club' and Dan Nightingale of 'Have a Word' as they join Humphries in place of the sunburnt Scotsman. Amy overshares an autopsy after Dean's outlaw sperm causes a skirmish and Dan's senile moments spark a DMC about addiction. #7

Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

This is like a podcast Royal Rumble. Yeah, yeah, it's like a Marvel crossover. What's going on? Just a hand with hands watching Freddie Quinn. He's got some dead men talking. He's got the dead men talking. I'm very supportive. Maybe I don't share shit, but I watch it.

I ghosted. Never click like. Any minute I feel like the glass is going to shatter and Jamie Hutchinson's going to run in. I watch it I ghosted never click like any minute I feel like the glasses gonna shut down Jamie Hutchinson's gonna run in and fucking

start throwing cans at everyone's head so I'm here with Dan Nightingale Dean and Amy from the Mailed High Club hello gone but not forgotten

aye what happened with that talk us through it we just quitters mate aye fuck consistency's key right Dan right off it's just because basically We just can't. Quitters, mate. Aye. Fuck. Consistency is key, right, Dan?

It's just because basically Dean's car broke down. Right. And Amy nearly died as well. And I nearly died, but that's fine. I can work still. In two separate incidents. Yeah. And then the boiler broke and whatever.

But we just need that studio money to pay for a new car. Otherwise you can't work, basically. That's true. Yeah. Also, it was doing you right. It wasn't, it's not just that, was it? No, it was a lot of work. I would have carried on, even though I wasn't happy.

No, but it was like a full-time job for no money. We make money on Patreon, but not on the Publix. And that is a full-time job, like graphic design. And it was meant to be like the side hustle. And become like the main thing ah yeah it was just like so consuming like and you did put so much work into it like a lot of stuff you said coming out was really doing specials every month for the patreon as well like so it's just all so much organizing i was like i just wanted to sit and chat with people and it was why i was at uni so obviously i'm getting my student loan to support me through that.

But once I finish uni, it's like, well, I need to work now. Why don't you do what Dan and Adam do and get an entire team of staff? Yeah. Just roll in. That's got well out of hand, by the way. I could do with a fucking car breaking down

and a boiler breaking just to be like, can we just realign what's going on with the spending? We had that at Punch Drunk after a little while. Remember the Punchdrunk gigs? I loved them. We're bringing them back, by the way. Nice. There's one coming up, we're doing a Christmas run,

and then they're going to be back for next year. In Blythe? In Blythe and Asherton. So they're the main two, and then hopefully we can build Cramlinton and Bedlinton back onto them once we get going. But it's... Did you just get too busy?

Well, it got when... It was me and Garv running it, but I was just the book and the host but i'm obviously on two hour all the time with danny i'm fucking schlepping around the world i can't really do much on site but it felt like every time i came back to do a run of gigs there was just more and more people in punch drunk t-shirts and punch drunk hoodies they helping people find their seats and by the end of it i was looking around i was going i think we've got more staff than punters and everyone getting paid or just volunteering or just volunteering? I think there was a lot of volunteers.

Gav organised all of it and there was a couple of people on the payroll and then just a handful of people that were getting free tickets to help out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right. I remember when your Gav was like, he messaged me when I lost some weight

and he was like, well done on the personal growth, Dan. And I've genuinely, since I've put the weight back on, I've thought about Gav about twice, like, let him down. The last person you want to let down. Have you met me brother yet?

I don't think so, no. Yeah, you have. At the arena show after party? Oh, no, that wasn't, that was Matty. Oh, no, head on. That was Matty. Is that a brother?

That was Matty the pincer. Is that not, what? That was not me brother. Oh, I'm sure you said it was your brother. You just think all Jordies are related. I know, I'm racist, aren't I? He is my brother. That was a mad thing.

Sorry, we were walking back over to the after party and a lad pulled up in a car and got a drive-by picture with us. And the lad was from Hull, right, in Liverpool. Got a picture with me and Kai. Then, like, fucking what was it, like six months later later Kai does his show in Liverpool so we went to watch it and we're having a pint in the pub down the road next thing the same lad from Hull gets me and Kai in the same location and is like can I get another picture with you so this guy's got like two individual selfies with

me and Kai and he's from Hull in Liverpool it was just such a mad coincidence like totally separate occasions like I was in a car driving past he just went we like jumped over the body and got a picture with him and he drove off oh it was just mad like a proper mad coincidence wasn't it I love shit I just went and got my haircut and the guy's that he lives in Glasgow he's from the northeast and he spent five years living in London in East London so we've had the exact same route in my life of living in the northeast living in East London for four or five years and then moving up to the south side of glasgow yeah like the very same area but he's always been a couple of years ahead of us and i

was like oh let's stay in touch and you can tell us where i'm going next do you think it's living in adelaide or something just give us a heads up from the future yeah start planning it's rough this south side of glasgow in it tell you what we were driving through here you know past these six bedroom houses and the golf course it's like fucking Elk High

that's something else things has worked out alright it's when I drive past them Natalie's always looking at them going I couldn't live in one of them they're too big you wouldn't be able to keep it clean

I'm like if you think we're living in there and we're trying to afford cleaners if you think we're like we're just scraping our budget to get into that hoose, if you're moving into that hoose, fuck, man, you've got more staff than have a word.

Are you doing the shitballs? Shitballs? Oh, they've got to come back, don't they? Yeah, man. That was one of the... Doing the punch drum gigs. What's shitballs? Just little, gooey...

You know, it looks a bit like a Ferrero Rocher. Is that right? drunk gigs just little gooey you know it's smart like it looks a bit like a Ferrero Rocher is that is that right but Greek you could tell

it's like more working class than that yeah there's cornflakes in it I think there might even be a little bit of peanut butter

in there there's like a fucking it looks heavy it's a heavy ball of like sweet chocolate like one of them

like gooey bites like it's like and they were like shit I love this sign it was like shit balls gooey bites like and they were like shit I love this sign it was like shit balls a pound

and I was like they didn't used to be called shit balls they were like I know we had them at school I was like what were they

called at school and he was like shit balls I thought you were going to say they didn't used to be a pound like fuming at the

inflation I think they were about 5p or something they were a shekel half a shilling they were about 5-10p something like that but they were about 5p or something They were a shekel Half a shilling They were about 5.10p Something like that right But they were actually called shitballs

In my school Deliver Middle They sound lovely They're not even shitballs That's crazy So you sold them as snacks at the gigs? So I mentioned them on stage So were you there when we were selling them?

Or were you there when we realised That somebody still knew the recipe? No I was there for I think I was there for one of the first ones wasn't i yeah i feel like i was there for a really early one and then i think shit balls were for sale you played punch drunk bc you played punch drunk when it was a concordia at the leisure center when i used to run it as oh yes mate can you remember that I remember that girl with tattoos I just fell in love with her that's honestly

my main memory from that gig I think I know exactly who you mean a leisure centre with the most attractive woman I've ever seen

and I was like oh Kai she's so beautiful and you were like she'd probably fuck you I was like she definitely would amazing

so I can't remember anything about that gig I just remember her looking sensational. Aye. So you want me to take your shoes off? Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? Sorry, we're doing our own podcast over here.

It's like a Tarantino scene over here, getting your feet out for no reason. Podcasting with a couple's a bit different, isn't it? I feel like I'm going to venture over Chris' tummy up from this angle. Dean, I'm getting stressed. Give me a back rub. I love how lost you are on this couch.

Yeah, you look absolutely tiny. I mean, you are on this couch. Yeah, you look absolutely, like, tiny. I mean, you are anyway, but this couch makes you look ridiculously small. Yeah, so,

from that gig in the Leisure Centre, you moved on to the, the, the working men's club. The working men's club. So, you know, the old concert halls

that used to be busy when the mains were open. Yeah, right. And now they're just like, these derelict, big halls. Yeah,

but I love them rooms. They're always great. They're great rooms. Nantwich. Yeah, right. Now they're just like these derelict, big halls. Yeah, but I love them rooms. They were great rooms. They're always great. Nantwich. Yeah. Is there one in Nantwich? Manfred's have got one in Poynton.

It's like quality, old, working men's clubs that have been like maintained to a decent standard. But the room is set out perfectly. Like,

if you wanted to make it a comedy club, you'd have to spend 10 grand giving it a lick of paint and some new carpets nothing structural would have to be done

the lighting rig's already up it's just I love them rooms yeah the class so we started filling them up and it was

it was at one of the gigs where I started talking about shit balls I don't know what got us onto it I was just talking about my old school days and then like

half the fucking audience went to the same school and remembered the shitballs and somebody in there was like the daughter of a dinner lady or something and fucking knew the recipe

like it was still in the family so it's like passed down through generations you know like let's get the Delville Middle School is flat now it's fucking rubble

right it's been I don't even know what's there anymore but it got flattened but the shitballs live on we brought them back to punch through I just love the idea even know what's there anymore, but it got flattened. Yeah. But the shitballs live on. We brought them back to Punch Drunk. I just love the idea of some blithe dinner lady.

Shitballs are ready. Come get your shitballs. How much are these? Can you imagine as well, we used to do the meat raffles. Oh, for fuck's sake. Somebody used to leave Punch Drunk. Every time we did a gig,

somebody would leave with a massive tray of meat. Like, fucking shit does a meat class. Do you want to see my meat? I've got a picture of me meat. Do you want to see it? Do you know what she's saying there? Me and Zed. You need to explain your pictures more

before you start just asking. We went for a meal the other day before people's food. She was going, do you want to see me meat to people? I think that's fascinating intestines and ovaries and shit like that

sweetbreads you've got like sweetbreads what is it like is it like a pancreas or something what do you get removed so it was

my ovary popped okay right because his sperm like come a car's into my ovary broke into the ovary and just fucking

was like I'm having one of these killing itself in the process yeah and yeah and was like I'm having one of these killing itself in the process and yeah and I nearly bled to death basically but they put a camera

in my belly button so you can see my meat is the ovary the is the ovary the egg the ovary is the egg factory it's the egg box

it's the egg factory yeah it's the egg box that's what ovulates yeah I wasn't ovulating though nah it broke in

my sperm broke in scouse so you got you got behind it's very rare fork knocks mate you were in the back yeah yeah

yeah not in the back no no no he didn't bummer in that way I mean that's some serious sperm innit he had a little high

and he's living here for six months can I see your ovaries see I'm I'm made up some people yeah some people love looking at them but not everyone He'd had a little high visor Can I see ovaries? See I'm made up Some people love looking at them But not everyone loves looking at them And when you say Do you want to see my meat?

With no context You said meat So that was the I imagine it would look like Not that I've seen one But like a removed eyeball Like from the back Like you know where it's like Probably mostly white and gristly Imagine it would look like, not that I've seen one, but like a removed eyeball, like from the back.

Like, you know where it's like probably mostly white and gristly, but like it's too red. See a bit of intestine on these as well, though. With things hanging off it. I've had my eye out my head. Yeah. Because they've done surgery. Can you remember when I had a bong eye?

I didn't think we'd go back that far, do we? What? We don't go back to when I was 21. When did you start stand up 25 so I obviously yeah yeah got that back yeah they took

they took me eye out got what done snipped the muscle and tied it back a bit closer and pointed me out and they took a picture when your eye was out

I asked them to and they wouldn't Amy asked for pictures of these she was like can I take a picture of these and they were like no can she so that's my womb I was like it's her meat let her take a picture of these? And they were like, no, can't she? So that's my womb, yeah.

I was like, it's her meat, let her take a picture of it. That's my ovaries. That's where it popped. And I was just bleeding into this cavity. Is that ET?

I thought, that's my intestines. I didn't know they were orange. Your intestines look like ET. Thank you. And they wouldn't take a picture? No. And I thought,

I just said, have they given her the pictures? No she took a picture They come in going So here's what we've done And Amy was like Can I take a photo of these? And they were like No one's ever asked that before

Like If it was Booper You'd get your pictures In like a gift set You'd like you know Like an amusement park A little key ring And then

That's tools Coming in through my belly button That's Dean And then That's my spare I'm not trying to break the lock oh man so like

so you're you're alright now yeah I've lost like half my ovary but that's fine innit you know does that like mate she was back on tour

in eight days we done a ghost ghost hunt two days after and I should have done that but it been butting for so And I shouldn't have done that. But it had been booked in for so long, I didn't want to let Barry down.

Yeah. You can't let Barry down. He booked it. Yeah, it was so flat. He'd done so much work organising it, he would have had a meltdown if we were here. So did they give you a limbo to where you saw? Yeah, I've got three holes, but they've stitched up now.

But it was just, it was more the gas. So they fill you with gas while they operate like a tent so they blow you up like a tent and then they stitch you back up and they don't deflate you which is really rude oh so you're just left

bloated for ages so I was just like a big balloon woman it moves all under your body it makes it happen to your face and everything how does it get in you everybody's like

ah it's the stay puff marshmallow man she's like shoot me with it later join the streams ah, it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Started shooting me with him. Later, please. Join the streams. Best ghost special ever. How does it get in your system so you can fart it out, basically?

Your body has to absorb it and then you burp and fart it out. Oh, so it goes from your womb cavity? Yeah, and then it just must absorb into your... The womb cavity? It goes from the womb cavity and leaks through into the poop cavity

yeah imagine I don't know yeah sort of like that or it just collects in your finger and you're like

fucking I've had an idea just blow the finger like a cobbler you don't have to pop your finger oh god fucking hell

mate you were back on tour within six days seven days yeah flying can't stop me I'm like a cockroach when it ovaries Mate you were back on tour Within six days Seven days Yeah flying Can't stop me I'm like a cockroach When it over is a burst It was two days

Before we'd even gone to the hospital We went fucking Mushroom picking I went up Pendulum Foraging She was like Oh fresh air He'll heal me

I was just walking off Internal bleeding Can I ask you about mushrooms You know if I've got Mushrooms that I've had since May will they still be alright now have you been minding them

like what oh they've been in like a food bag no like a sandwich bag with where silica gel

in a fridge in no in a in a in a in a clip fresh

like fucking top of wear with my weed stash stuff right just they might just be less potent. But they're not going to make you ill. But they dried out.

Shall I go and get them and give you a look? I mean, I'm not like fucking Paul's famous. This podcast is about to take a turn, isn't it? Are you allowed to do that? Can you put... It's not real, is it? It's portobello. I'll have a look after.

I'll just have a look after and tell you. But it's more than likely. The only thing with them would be they're just less potent now. Right. But if they go mouldy. Yeah. You don't want to eat mouldy. But you'd be able to see if they go mouldy.

Hang on, is mushroom not mould in itself? It is. It's got mould in it. Don't throw that old cheese out. We could get high off that. Is all mould drugs? What's the word for the study of fungus again there's like a mycology yeah mycology oh my god that was so i love the fact that you know that the course of the mycology i know weird things about drugs

so the thing with the mushrooms in mycology is that the fungus is massive. Massive. Massive neurons. And the spores of the mushrooms are like, it's dick. Yeah, yeah. That's its reproduction. That's its reproductive organ, isn't it? But that's how they worked out the...

Apparently that's how they done the Tokyo subway. Like, found out the quickest routes to places because they let fungus attach to protein. And they were like, right, we'll just follow what this mushroom's done. And that was the quickest routes to places because they let fungus like attached to protein and they were like right we'll just follow what this mushroom's done and that was like the quickest route to all the on a map yeah yeah right they put like food they put like food on the map in the in the areas where they wanted the stations and then let mushrooms work out the quickest route yeah to them and then they just built them based on that because they communicate with the insects and shit as well don't they let the insects know where there's stuff that needs breaking down.

Like if a tree falls. Yeah. Like the... Mushrooms do, really. Mushrooms. Mushrooms. Yeah. You're underground listening.

You've just got a fucking cup to the soil. I heard that. I thought no one heard that. You're only allowed to drink it then. Get your cocky to tell the answer. So the stuff you get high off is mushroom dick? Yeah, it will be, yeah.

It's not like the... It grows out of something. Yeah. It's the fruit of death. They'll grow again. Do you know what I mean? Mushrooms are the fruit of death. They're taking these catchphrases.

What do you mean? The fruit of death. The fruit in body. It grows out of death, doesn't it? It's the thing. All out of decay, isn't it? Oh my God, it does? Yeah.

It blew his mind. I stood on a slug in the garden. I'm not joking. Oh, that's sly. I stood on a slug in the garden. I was coming back from the garden office and I stood on a slug. I literally felt the squelch.

I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I sort of flicked it back onto the garden office and i stood on a slug i literally felt the squelch i was like oh for fuck's sake and i sort of flicked it back onto the lawn but i've been weeding about a month before and i've got this thing i've just given up now i've just accepted that my fucking lawn's gonna be weedy but for the last year i've been fighting it with a weed whacker which is like a little grabber that goes in it gets like the root of the weed pulls it out but it pulls a clump out and then it went cold and I couldn't be arsed filling in the holes so I basically accidentally

kicked a slug into one of these turf holes and about two weeks later there was a fucking massive mushroom there

and I was like mate I genuinely thought like how's a mushroom grown where a fucking slug died through the death

mate the dick of death the dick of death there we go that's a catchphrase right that's what my catchphr. The fruit of death, mate? The dick of death. The dick of death. There we go. That's a catchphrase, right? Holy shit. That's what my catchphrase is, the dick of death.

The dick of death. Maybe that would have been the best mushroom to get absolutely fucking bollocksed on. Slug mushroom. Dead slug mushroom. I don't, you know,

I'm not trying. They just slow you right down. They try and get you. The world's just rushing past you. Constant pre-com and semen. Just like, wow. Sorry, went too dark with it. It's slimy, aren't they?

So where's Sloss? Is he now roaming the world looking for nonces? Is this his new role? The nonce hunter general. He's taken down Brandon. Now he's going round the world. He's going around the world he's going after leonardo dicaprio he's suspicious the thing is he was never a good comic i'd love it constantly getting a newer model he's like i'm on it um he is on his honeymoon and it's really funny because

i've been in several different whatsapp groups with him right and i was doing one of them was the um the the group from the belgian gigs that we've just done right and i was doing one of them was the um the the group from the belgian gigs that we've just done right and i was just querying something on the hotel bill and he's in that and he fucking joins in and everyone's like get back on the beach you daft cunt what you doing fucking chatting on this and then it happened in a mate's whatsapp and like it's so funny because he's clearly got more time on his hands than he's ever had he's last is reading a book and he's like finally i can fucking catch up on my correspondence and chat to my mates and every cunt's telling him to shut the fuck up like whack i'm watching it's like finally I can fucking catch up on my correspondence and chat to my mates and every cunt's

telling him to shut the fuck up get back on the beach like whack I'm watching it it's like whack I'm all in different WhatsApp groups

people going shut the fuck up it's on babe I love it what are you reading are you trying to better yourself well I'm going to

just start getting into all my WhatsApp groups for no fucking reason where's he gone he's in the Maldives before it sinks nice

before it sinks that's going under isn't it it's got a lifespan that one doesn't it gone it's in the Maldives before it sinks nice nice before it sinks that's gone under hasn't it it's got a lifespan that one doesn't it has it yeah I think so but I feel like

I've known that for too many years it's still there it's still there I didn't feel like there's word of it getting that much smaller yeah

it's not just because sea levels are rising yeah right and it's basically just a load of beaches yeah right I guess so good time to good time to enjoy it levels are rising yeah right and it's basically just a load of beaches yeah aye right

I guess so good time to good time to enjoy it on whatsapp innit yeah yeah just putting loads of gifs out

I can't believe it's a national break on me whole day I'm bored enough as it is is it dying like because of the the global warming

and stuff as well like coral probably yeah because that's the Great Barrier Reef has gone white hasn't it because of the global warming and stuff as well? Like coral? Probably, yeah. Because the Great Barrier Reef's gone white on it because of that. And if ice caps are melting as well. Because it's hot. Yeah, but isn't that... It's hot, the ice caps melt, there's not enough salty water

because the glaciers aren't salty. Is that right? How do you know? Wow, there you go. That's climate change with morons. Because doesn't salt melt ice? Yeah, why don't we just put more salt in? Melt slugs.

Fucking loads of salt. Do you see the supermarket? No! I just want to get high. Well, that felt like a really inappropriate voice to do. I was trying to do slug. Drug slug. Drug slug.

Rather than cancel myself. I discovered today, I learned today from a book that the magnetic field on the earth changes periodically. And it's quite a mystery. Do you think it fucks stuff up? Or do you think it just happens

and people don't know? It would fuck me up if all of a sudden, right, I was in the south. I'm in Glasgow right and now I'm like one of the southern most like you just had to

turn all the maps the other way around yeah but it was it sorry the magnetic poles how often change don't they

like not in human memory okay like I think I think it's happened 200 times in the several million years okay i feel good but maybe do what maybe do one what if something proper mad happens though when it

happens like like you actually like feel it or whatever what if it changes all the tides shift and everything like you know when you're bungee jumping, right? And you come back up and there's that bit before you go back down where you're neither going up nor down. You're there, right? That means when the magnetic field shifts before it goes from north-north to south-north, there's going to be zero magnetic field and then we'll all just get eviscerated by all the fucking rays from the sun.

Oh, my God. I think it's the bit in the middle. I think it's the bit in the middle. What the fuck have you been reading this morning? It's a nice bit of Tuesday morning perusing. Yeah, yeah. That's terrifying. The Maldives is fucked and we're getting eviscerated.

With all magnets in the way of spin, then, as well. All the compasses. Just any magnets and we'll do any. Kumpai. Kumpai. Kumpai. Kumpai. Kumpai. Oh, Lord. not doing it Kumpai Kumpai Kumpai Kumpai

Oh not kumpai No It's a carnival I'm afraid they're going to school Yeah because they all will face

all magnets would shift would they What would it do I don't know But literally what difference this is where I get

really like I don't think it would affect What's it going to do anything I don't think it would affect your magnets

but the poles on the magnets not changed though nah I don't think they get the memo I think it's to do with the swirl

of the fluids in the earth starting to swirl in the other direction mate Maldives is fucked yeah everything's fucked if the whole

like if everything just flips around would that happen to the sea as well see if that becomes land if land becomes sea If the whole, like, if everything just flips around, would that happen to the sea as well? Sea? That becomes land.

Land becomes sea. Every 200 times every few millennia. I'm not prepared, man. I'm not prepared for that. I just said millennia there as if millennia meant millions of years, but it just means thousands of years. 200 times every millennia is like every five years or so. So what were you reading? What's this you're reading

is this genuinely it's Bill Bryson's The Brief Short History of Nearly Everything whoa oh yeah how old's that book I don't know

is it relatively new I don't know I feel like I've read one of them it's not relatively new because I downloaded it like ten years ago

and just got around to reading it now right right right so I so this this could have already happened like you've just read it like 10 years ago and just got around to reading it now. Right, right, right. So I... So this could have already happened. Like, you've just read it like, oh, shit, this is about to go down any time. And the book's 10 years old.

And none of us have noticed. Because when was the last time you used a compass? That's true. Nobody's used a compass since that was written, since iPhones. Yeah. It's probably got... It might have flipped loads.

I think I've read that book and forgotten absolutely everything in it. It's so good being a moron. You get such good value out of books. There's no point. I do read, but I don't return any of it. Oh, it would be class if you could. Oh, yeah.

I would be so smart if I kept everything I read. I just read a book about the history of North America and all of the different countries that took the American nations of France and Amsterdam Holland and I'm even fucking it up now. I've read Colonial North America

and that little paragraph of stuttering that I've given you is the best I can recite. There's loads of people from different fucking places. I went, nah, this is ours. is the best I can recite. So as lords are people from different fucking places, I went, nah, this is ours. And the borderlands,

what they remember as the Scots and Irish are the fucking sequels from what I get. All right. And I think that's, you know, your rednecks and your hillbillies. Right, yeah.

That's our lot. Oh, really? Oh, really, yeah. That's the borderlands. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it is funny, isn't it? Because, like, in Minnesota, really? Oh, really, yeah. That's the borderlanders. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it is funny, isn't it? Because, like, in Minnesota,

they're all, like, fucking Norwegian ancestry, aren't they? Massive people. Yeah, they've still got the names. They're not actual Vikings, but the Minnesota Vikings are called that. And then down the Mississippi towards, like, New Orleans, is it the Cajuns? They still speak fucking French.

Like it's all linked to, it's only a few hundred years ago. Oh yeah, because the French, I do remember that because they come in at like where Canada, like Quebec. Yeah. Like that way. And they actually like assimilated pretty well with the natives. It sounded like they had the fucking, the plan right to like learn from them and trade and get it right. So they're like, it sounds like they had the fucking the plan right to like learn from them

and trade and get it right so they like it sounds like the French were the ethical invaders if you can be an ethical invader you're still invading the land

right but they seem to be the one that went oh there's people here let's let's trade knowledge and resources and they did it right

whereas other people would come in and were just like murder these savages this is ours now yeah nice one yeah we went to watch that Scorsese film didn't we yeah what's it called they did it right whereas other people would come in and were just like murder these savages this is ours now yeah nice one yeah

we went to watch that Scorsese film didn't we yeah what's it called Killers of the Flower Moon yeah that was all similar

about oil and that one it like yeah a bit later on the sort of indigenous Indian like on the

what were they they got given land didn't they reservations reservations and they found oil and just like fucking flies around shit

what's that all the honkies turned up yeah and then we had to sit through three and a half hours of aren't white people awful and you're like literally start to go

yeah I hate white people yeah I mean I know I'm white but I'm wierdian you're which one wierdian wierdian

yeah white asian white asian wierdian wierdian so she only felt kind of bad a little bit bad Which one? Weijin. Weijin? Yeah, white Asian. White Asian. Weijin. Weijin. So she only felt kind about it. A little bit bad.

Yeah, not too bad. I love white... I swear to God, those films are amazing. Anything about the civil rights or slavery, I'm like, oh, I hate white people. Like, I watch it with complete disconnect. Yeah. I was doing research into the troubles in the Middle East and fucking need didn't need to

go very far back to realise it was at us yeah that caused all the fucking disruption in the Middle East all of it like not just

the opium wars yeah yeah they know it so what region are you? Chinese where are you from? Chinese and a bit

Tibetan I'm 29.1% like Chinese yeah Chinese and a bit Tibetan. I'm 29.1% like, Chinese-y. Yeah, Chinese-y. Is that official? Where did you find that out? 23 and me.

Oh, right. Yeah. 29.1% Chinese-y. Yeah. And me. It would be so funny if I did one of them and I just went 100% blithe.

You're so blithe. You're so blithe. It doesn't differentiate between Irish and English, which I think Irish people wouldn't be happy about. So you're pretty much the same. So there's not much difference in the DNA between Irish and Irish. Just the ideas.

Yeah. But it tells you like You're Neanderthal aren't you? Swiss or something. the ideas yeah but it tells you like um you're Neanderthal didn't you Swiss or something a bit Swiss part Neanderthal

yeah I was 61% more Neanderthal than the average person hang on what so that means like they can't do English Irish

but they can go Neanderthal oh that's a different species though isn't it Neanderthal but how can you be

61% Neanderthal no more more Neanderthal than Neanderthal. But how can you be 61% Neanderthal? No, more Neanderthal than Neanderthal. Oh, right. So you'd have, if you're going right back to your great, great, great ancestral homo sapien, kinky bitch, really. Yeah. Kinky bitch.

Yeah, yeah. She's into some mad stuff, yeah. She's just like pinned down by this Neanderthal. She'd be eyeing up a bear. pinned down by like this Neanderthal should be eyeing up a bear I'm actually

4% bear and 2% saber tooth tiger no yeah and that's why I show affection by headbutting

the Neanderthal it all makes sense so what else can you get obviously it's just more ethnicity

rather than like nations I think I was 0.6% Ghanaanaian so what yeah and sierra leone i don't know you have been using the n word a lot 0.4 percent of amy's racial slurs are the i actually slurred the word slurred. Slurred. Slurred. Slurred. Slurred. Slurred. I can't drink wine, you fucking... So have you followed any of your ancestry back?

Have you been to China or... It tells you all your cousins, doesn't it? Go on then. All different cousins all over the world and all that. We went to China before we knew about the... Well, she always knew she was Chinese, but before that result, so we didn't go like looking for any ancestors

but I thought I'd just know my way around like instinctively oh you'd just know your way around Shanghai you'd be like that's what Amy does Amy just goes

she just you let her go she just walks and you go Amy we're going that way and she's like okay we've had four months of this

we park the car and if you don't go hang on wait we've not decided where we're going she's just off she's gone always walking

towards China my ancestors were like voyagers yeah your ancestors knew an NCP car park in Bristol yeah

I'm actually a 6.2% NCP NCP car park attendant yeah but anyway we got lost in China

because it didn't work like that no of course not and I've I've got the picture still where I had to draw a picture of a train and go up to people

in the street and go choo choo choo choo yeah yeah em did no one else know this kid's so special

I didn't yeah and then you would like if somebody come up to me in the middle of Manchester

with a picture of a train just going choo-choo. That would absolutely help you find the train, like... I think they're about 60% Neanderthal. Yeah. No, I didn't do it. I haven't done one. I don't think mine would be very exotic. No.

No. Do you want to recommend? Irish and English, and you can't differentiate the two can you Ding dong it's the sound of capitalism This podcast is proudly sponsored by and proud to be sponsored by Thistley Cross Cider

the alcohol I drink in my spare time and have done for several years so much so that I begged them to sponsor this podcast The fact it's a personal favourite drink of both of us makes it so easy to do this bit. None of the... Looking down the barrel and just lying about a script

that you've been forced down your neck. You're like, no, we actually want to be sponsored by this company. If you watched any of the live streams I did during COVID, you understand that Thistle of the Cross has always been one of my favourite ciders. It comes in five delicious flavours. They are strawberry, elderflower, original Scottish fruits and my personal favourite, whiskey cask flavoured.

Which is not just your own personal favourite, but it won the award in 2023 for the best flavoured cider at the Scottish Cider Awards. At the UK Cider Awards. Is that right? Atchell. And if I was one of the judges, I would have absolutely won it. If you go to thisleycrosssider.co.uk

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I imagine And at the moment this is only available in the UK. It's a small Scottish company based in Dunbar in East Lothian and eventually hopefully with our help it'll get big enough to provide cider to all of our listeners all over the world. Yeah, let's make it big in India, lads.

We want all the Estonians drinking Thistley Cross by going to ThistleyCross.co.uk. Things to watch, Blue Eye Samurai. Have you seen that? Nah, what's this? It's like an anime. Everybody watch it.

On Netflix. It's so good. Are we starting again? Are we on? We're rolling now. We'll find a point. Is this the Asian part of you? Blue Eye Samurai?

Yeah. That's class. It was one of them where, you know, I haven't watched anything for ages where an episode finishes and you're like, oh, fuck, that's class it was one of them where you know like I haven't watched anything for ages where an episode finishes and you're like oh fuck

let's watch the next one it's an 18 it's an 18 yeah what makes it what makes something an 18 now then because I thought

boobies lots of boobies there's quite a bit of sex in it because they go like geisha houses and all that and then there's

it's very violent right so hang on is it cocks cocks oh yeah penis great I'm in now what's the violent. Is it Cox? Oh yeah, penis. Octopuses on women.

Is it a cartoon? Yeah. I love Invincibles season 2. Have you seen the first one? That train scene. I loved it but I can't remember his Omni-Man's in the new Mortal Kombat

and his fatalities are like from the show so one of them is where he throws him down to the subway and does that

through the train and that fucking it's mad so good yeah that was another one of them where you watch it I'm having to

prop myself up here because do you want some more questions I'm literally getting to the point where I'm going to be podcasting like you're alright can I just tuck you in there

like you're in fucking the unit of care yeah I can't see I don't know about your day Dan I'll just change your bucket here but Dan your skin looks great

I've got I've gone really senile today I just can't keep all my belongings together I literally had a senior moment like oh I've lost my car park ticket and then I dropped everything and then honestly

just starting the car to get here I just couldn't remember what you meant to do like Dean I'm discombobulated it's so funny Natalie will just catch herself in their moments And go like what if it is dementia Or something what if it's early onset

And I'm like not the bottle of whiskey That we drank last night The fact that we've done pills on the weekend I think there's just a more immediate Problem Maybe I just can't stop doing drugs Maybe that's the problem I need to get back

on all the drugs but Dan's still going great are you sober sober what are you sober are you off drugs yes

off booze no no no I just had a bit of a weird period of being a full blown crackhead

not a full blown crackhead because I didn't know any crack dealers I just had a weird I just had a weird period a couple of yearshead because I didn't know any crack dealers I just had a weird period a couple of years ago where I lost control and it's the first time mate I've been going and getting on it for

a long time and then just I was like oh why are you doing coke on your own and lying about it and it went on for about 3 or 4 months where I'm like with cannolis she can't stop herself what's cannolis? A canola. A little Sicilian deep fried pastry.

Oh, nice. That does sound good. But no one's sitting her down for an intervention because of cannolis. No. No one's like, Amy, you've got to get up. You're letting the Neanderthal percent win. Who sat you down? Did someone sit you down?

I did. You did. I had to do, I admitted it. Stepped in on yourself. It's the first, I've been, when admitted it stepped in on yourself class it's the first I've been when did I start getting on I went clubbing

for the first time a bit older actually I was like 21 in Newcastle we used to go to Foundation yeah nice and I've literally

got like off my head every two or three weeks with you know like never gone out of control always like had a great night enjoyed it and then

i had comedy i had my mates i had other things to do and yeah just two years ago coming out of that second lockdown just lost my mind a little bit and i and um it's the first time i've ever been like i've deleted all the two dealers numbers deleted them and i was like right don't that's it that's it i was like you know when you're doing something you're like this is so unhealthy like towards the end it was like two or three times a week and because i had i've got young kids and they're going to bed and i'm in the garden office which was built for me to do working and i turned into a fucking crap in my head it sounds good i'm like it's not out of order because I'm in a different building.

That's so stupid. Laura had no idea. I'd wake up the next day and be like, oh, my allergies are bad. I've got sniffles. Pathetic. And I caught it myself and went, oh, right, you need to sort this out.

And I was actually using the word addiction while I was doing it. And the time that freaked me out, I deleted all the numbers and I was like, absolutely And the time that freaked me out, I deleted all the numbers and I was like, absolutely do not do that again. And then it was a Sunday night and everyone had gone to bed.

You start scraping your iPad cover. It's not far off. I'm licking fucking plates. Yeah, and I went through my missed calls and dialed numbers. And I was like, oh, there's the unrecognised one. You dug it out. Actually, I was literally doing numbers and I was like oh there's the unrecognised one just randoms yeah you dug it out

actually I was literally doing it and I was like cool tomorrow you're going to sober up and you're going to admit it to Laura and you're going to

like face up to it and I was actually on the the Narcotics Anonymous website while doing a line it was the fucking weird

because you know you're going wrong I was like this is out of hand just reading about quitters if you know about cocaine it's not like listen you can be on the narcotics anonymous website but you're not leaving half a gram this is out of control

it's going to kill you Dan you're going to lose everything I better finish it as quick as I can and so I I waited till the I waited till the next day and I sobered up a bit and Laura was in the kitchen

and I went babe I need to talk to you about something she was like she could tell it was serious she still had no idea and she went

okay right and I was like right it's it's really important she's been waiting for you to come out this whole time I went it's really important. She's been waiting for you to come out this whole time.

I went, it's really important. It's something that I'm ashamed of and I'm going to need your help with. And she went, is it your weight? You know, you're at your lowest moment. And then someone goes, nah, nah, fat boy. You've got another fucking low. And then the cock starts turning and you're like,

how big would I be if I wasn't on coke that appetites the person that I'm addicted to seriously afterwards she was like because usually a lot

of people lose while they're doing it so no I'm basically had a period of like not doing anything and then it's been a bit

in flux a little bit yeah and then I had to learn how to booze without going, oh, I'll tell you what I want. So that was almost harder to crack. Because when you drink, it's so natural to be like, if you've ever enjoyed it, to be like,

do you want to ring someone? Should we get some? Same with smoking as well. Yeah. I can go days without having a ciggy. And then as soon as I have a pint, I go, that ciggy, I'm nice with that now, yeah. So if you want a days without having a ciggy and then as soon as I have a pint I go that ciggy I'm nice with that now yeah

so on a telly having a cig someone on TV has a cig and you just say oh watching a Scorsese film or any of the like you know

like Mad Men or something yeah so breaking those associations now I'm I suppose you could say well you just

shouldn't ever do it and you're like yeah but it feels like I've just gone back to how it's always been, but just less. And I'm very wary of it now.

You've got more control over it when you can do it and stop doing it. Yeah. I cannot touch it, otherwise I'll fucking go off the rails. Yeah, and I also, that whole thing of I'm never doing something again builds up a pressure pressure i think yeah and i'm wary that you're like all of us if it bursts it'll burst bad yeah and what i never realized is the one thing i honestly hadn't got and i've never known about addiction until you start like learning about it a little bit and living it your self-esteem when you cannot control something is in the fucking bin like you feel terrible that you've

like you just you let you feel weak and pathetic and i think that can actually push you further into it and so i just don't want to get to the point where like you can't do this and you can't do that because then if you just have a fucking bump in the road and do something probably not the right turn of phrase not when you're driving down and then i don't want it to be all like oh i feel like shit or anything but yeah it does it it's fine i've also got too much to do i've got like like stuff's good i tell you who was amazing what i actually saw a therapist for a while to try and help about and they were great to a point but they said they were an addiction specialist.

You're like, you don't know fucking shit. But it's amazing how many comedians got in contact and said, oh, I've heard this or like Bobby Mare was amazing. Who's a, who's a recovering alcoholic and recovered alcoholic or whatever. He's doing brilliantly,

but he, he's had issues with all sorts. And, and he gave me. Ligurish. He licorice yeah is it yeah now he's got you know comedy but he was great he was brilliant and he was like don't think that like using alcohol or drugs is associated to your low points some people like do it to sabotage the high points it's almost like this weird sort of like like you know you get yourself down yeah you're like almost bringing yourself yeah you're like

almost like a result of having imposter syndrome where you're like oh things are going too well you know i need to do just fuck it up ruin little bit ride this a little bit a couple of wheel spins in the car park but just so you know i'm good for a decent night out so that's what i'm trying to do now i'm trying to like i'm glad you've got control because control is fucking key yeah but i don't want to i'm not ready to like i know i've had a senile moment in a fucking car park 40 minutes ago but there's there's part of me

that's I just like when you've got a family and your career's just taken over more than it ever has done I still want to have that fucking

valve pressure valve release of a like without going oh you can't do this you can't do that but I will be the first to

Carl on the podcast on Have a Word he's always on it he's like did you have coke he's on it Without going, oh, you can't do this, you can't do that. But I will be the first to... Carl on the podcast on Have a Word is always on it. He's like, did you have coke? And he's on it. And I don't mind that at all. Yeah, yeah. You've got someone that's policing you a bit. But I'm policing me as well.

Yeah. Like it's when you've gone to a low point. Yeah. Anyway, yeah. When are we getting on it? I don't want to minimise your actual addiction, but fucking Baldur's Gate 3 has got me at the minute minute like it's in my veins what's that the computer game the dungeons and dragons well this is actually a podcast natalie asked us to come around and

speak to you this is your intervention honestly like i had two days off with natalie and she's like coming in the living room while i'm playing and i'm feeling ill will towards my wife on a day off when i'm traveling i'm like oh this is wrong what are you doing like put the game down what is it Dungeons and Dragons is it aye it's like a

role serious role playing game is it it's class leave us alone it's class I'm fighting a dragon

I'm fighting a level 5 dragon I've got to go to LA on tour for fuck's sake man I'm about to level up it's class yeah man I can't the people who are so into gaming I'm like

have you done day in day? nah it is good I'm an elven sorceress Dan of course you are I'm 29% elven you have all? called fang

is that 23 and me? you're part of all 29% Elven. Are you half Orc? Called Fang. Is that 23 and me? You're part Orc. Irish. You'd be so good at D&D. Oh, yeah. Class Dungeon Master. Best Dungeon Master.

Yeah, ability to switch into voices and fucking improvise on the spot. Is this on a computer game? No, no. The computer game does all that shit for you so you don't actually have to role play I mean oh you mean a live event

a Dungeons and Dragons I've given my I've given my guy a personality type where he's very easily led and gullible yeah so like if I've had

those options where like it's clear that that's the wrong road to go down I'm like I trust this guy I see what I've been doing why not

because it makes for a more interesting playthrough you mean a not because it makes for a more interesting playthrough you mean Dungeons and Dragons like the tabletop the tabletop you would be an asset to the

D&D world and how do you stop yourself masturbating because it's too sexy is that you just you learn that self control you know just to say you've got to go down

to the little fucking end of the garden roll a six don't wank that's what it is sex Dungeons and Dragons natural one your cock drops off comedy comedy of the little fucking end of the garden roll a six don't wank that's what it is sex dungeons and dragons natural warn your cock drops off

comedy comedy you're spending too much time wordplay mate not my forte do you want to get back to the dictionary because I was thinking

when you were saying before about interventions you know have you read Steve-O's book you know Steve-O from Jackass yeah I've not read his book

so his intervention was staged by Johnny Knoxville and he's like you know if Johnny-o from jackass yeah i've not read his book so his intervention was staged by johnny knoxville and he's like you know johnny knoxville is the one that's going come on mate you can't do that yeah you're not you're fucking up johnny knoxville stepping in i'm sure we like we were when we went to la we were walking down a hollywood boulevard and i'm sure i seen johnny knoxville but then I was like but was it just someone pretending to be Johnny Knoxville for photos? Do you get what I mean? Yeah.

But the way he was walking he was kind of like trying to like cover his face as if he didn't want to be seen but I was still like he might be taking photos with content.

I love how I love how much of a conspiracy theorist you are. In your head someone that looks like Johnny Knoxville wants to get pictures as Johnny Knoxville

but part of the room Might have been off shift. is that he pretends that he's not Johnny Knoxville wants to get pictures as Johnny Knoxville but part of the room is that he pretends that he's not Johnny Knoxville he's like yeah that's what Johnny Knoxville would do and then you run up into his face and go you're fucking fraud and just some guy that looks like Johnny Knoxville gets called a fraud there may be I don't know but I put more money on it being Johnny Knoxville. But I don't know. I remember when I first started stand-up and I was listening to loads of stand-up, I heard somebody at work burnt as a CD with this comedian called Kyle Cease,

who I've never heard of since. So he's heard the name or not. No. And he had a joke that was like, I thought I saw Hulk Hogan in the mall the other day. And then it stopped. And I was like, I thought that was one of my skills

to be able to look at someone and decide whether or not they're Hulk Hogan. I'm remembering that joke 15 years doing the line now he had another joke actually where he was like the other day I was in my yard drinking milkshake and all these boys turned up and started saying get out of my yard boys

I love all that dead silly comedy man I love buying CD I was so geek but yeah it's funny I love buying CD I was so geeky when I started out I remember Jim Jefferies because I worked at a comedy club in Newcastle

the Hyena and they quickly worked out that I was so keen they could just use that enthusiasm where all the other staff just wanted a bar shift

and then to fuck off I wanted to be in and around the comedians and everything and Mohammed the guy that owned it basically had flats above the comedy club that they couldn't rent because of the noise of the club so they were like tell you what we'll save on hotels by just having that as like a little airbnb upstairs but like i don't want to get someone

to clean it that would be a pain in the ass so they just let me live there and my job was to make sure it was nice on a Thursday Friday Saturday for the comics coming to stay and you just lived there all the time then and uh just classed that in

yeah did you before you started stand up you lived with a handful of comics just saying so no you've done weekends with them so

so I lived there for about six months we had in the six months we had uh who stayed Michael McIntyre Dara O'Brien.

Bish. He used to do that. Don't think he ever stayed, but he did do a gig there. He did a gig there where Dave Johns was a bit of a twat to him. Honestly? Yeah. His sister was a book girl, wasn't she? Yvonne, yeah.

John Bishop had a rough one. And Dave Johns had done... Dave Johns is done Dave Johns is a Newcastle legend in comedy he's the first stand up I ever saw

on stage and I sat there in the old hyena which was downstairs for the one I worked in is that Daniel Blake he such a fucking

mesmerising comedian when he's bouncing off the crowd like we're talking about silly creative comedy almost like

Mighty Boosh level surrealism on stage in Newcastle when he looks like your dad's mate. And John Bishop went on and had a rough one. It was early on in his career. And Dave Johns went on afterwards and went, don't worry, I'm back. I'm like an emergency compere.

I'm just on the wall in glass and it says break here in case of first shit first comedian and John Bishop saw his arse

about it because it was it's a code isn't it that you're not meant to do and I don't think Dave meant it

to be vicious I think he just wanted to win the crowd back which by the way is what any comedian would say if they've cunted off another comedian like ah I was just trying to win the crowd back get them going again which by the way is what any comedian would say if they've cunted off

another comedian like ah I was just trying to win the crowd back but it sort of breaks the code of like you're not meant to slag off another act on the bill

and you feel like someone so good could have got them back anyway I think John Bishop put it in his autobiography did he proper scorned him

yeah fucking remembered I've seen it where there was a lad come on an open spot at the stand and he had his fucking nose sellotaped of his face and he brought on a water pistol and he squirted the last in the front row which caused a bit of contention

because she's on a night out she's got make-up on and now she's getting squirted and it was fucking hell everyone was just thinking oh what they're watching, Joel Caulfield just went on and went, there's not an interval now we're going to be bringing on the next act

but like I think you just need to have a little moment to discuss what's just happened so just have yourselves a couple of minutes and she just stood there and let the audience

talk amongst themselves yeah well that's Joel Caulfield that is a veteran move yeah that's close that's for me because I was on Next yeah oh yeah

so that didn't reset then yeah and I for me because I was on next yeah so they let him reset then yeah and I went on and I was like fucking I think he was bad for he's been 10 minutes

we've been backstage with him and he doesn't change obviously he does obviously he's not that guy he's just this timid little just come up to the wet your face

and come out going he fucking doesn't stop that new comedians not knowing where the line is when I started out in Manchester

there was a guy that had a bit he'd obviously got a hold of a wheelchair and he literally got to the venue in the wheelchair. He went down to the, like, this was in the comedy store, went down in the lift, got rolled onto the stage by a member of staff and then at four minutes out of his five,

he did this thing about, he's healed and he stood out of the wheelchair. But he played the trick on the staff as well. He literally kept and he stood out of the wheelchair but he played the trick on the staff as well yeah literally he kept in character the whole time and then

like oh my god it just it died yeah because everyone's just in the room like he did it if there was

people in wheelchairs in the room like doesn't matter it's fine it's a joke you're like no you fucking idiot that is the thing with new comics

they just go like so dark with stuff sometimes and it's like they haven't joke you're like no you fucking idiot that is the thing with new comics they just go like so dark with stuff sometimes and it's like they haven't learned to write the joke yet and hopefully they don't have access

to a fucking wheelchair they're like listen my nan's dead and I can't waste this god imagine imagine he'd just been booked with like Tim Renkow

or something or like he'd been on with Lost Voice Guy and then all of a sudden he's like backstage he's backstage with disabled comedians with a little trick up his sleeve that is oh it'd be brutal he's on with lost voice i go fucking brilliant i've got an ipad going spare this could be great yeah turn up to a gig blacked up but so well that everyone thinks you're black. Jim Jefferies came down.

I remember Jim Jefferies coming down from Edinburgh while he was staying at the flat and he bought a CD off Doug Stanhope. I literally, buying CDs off comics, I remember a few years later buying one off Sean Collins because I was like, this guy is the most mesmerising headliner. I got one off you in Edinburgh.burgh yes yeah watching being there seeing jim jeffries work out what kind like he was already good but like jim jeffries had gone up to see doug stand up at the

fringe and jim jefferies must've been four years in five years, a new comic relatively. And Doug stand up was instantly one of his heroes. And you're like, Oh, he came down. He was like,

you've got to listen to this. This is, this is the kind of comedy we should all be doing. Yeah. Like at the time I was like, yeah, cool. And now I look back and go,

I think I was witnessed with something quite important. If you see where Jim Jefferies Ended up Yeah yeah yeah A little tearing point Yeah it's class I love a bit of Geekery like that I've got

Natalie got us For my birthday I opened for Doug Stanhope I'd done it last year But it was a while back When I'd opened for him In 2016

And there was a Photographer there Natalie clocked on To find the photographer And got the photos And got them printed out And framed and stuff because he was

backstage like the photographer was backstage with us so he was getting snaps backstage so I've got the pictures up in my office of me and

Stan Hope just fucking chilling backstage love that shit man I do get like a proton nerd like that when I get to open for somebody that I

fucking like really admire like that it's mint same one have a word there's certain guests come on yeah like and I go like that when I get to open for somebody that I fucking like really admire yeah it's meant same same one have a word there's certain guests come on yeah like and I go because Doug's joined you and have a word honey yeah he's the only comic I've like I you know we've had Schultz on we've had uh we've had Shane Gillis and we've had Jimmy Carr and you know we've had some big names and I'm like they're all fucking great but when

Doug Stand Up came on I was like it's a different legend too Manny it's a different legend and I as he was leaving I was like do you know I've never done this I've never done it since I was like can I have a selfie and we talked about fucking watermelons or something

highbrow. And Matthew, who's one of our like tech gurus behind the scenes, had just run out and got a watermelon. So me and Doug Stanhope have like, I've got a picture with him fucking one end of a watermelon, me fucking the other. And it's just such a beautiful moment. And I posted it and it got a bit of love,

but it didn't get like a lot of people don't know who he is but like if like with a bit of comedy geekery man I was like

oh I loved it it's funny that one like he's not he's not mainstream Stan Hope like anybody that's slightly into comedy knows that he's like goat status

like everyone fucking but he's not mainstream like how would he be all the household names in the states like have him on a pedestal his episode of Louis

is is amazing where basically Stan Oak plays an old tired haggard alternative

road comic that's just come to the end of the line isn't his film he's in where he's spaced around that as well isn't it is this not a old dad's no there's a film with stan open where it's about like a life of a like a old road comedian yeah i'm trying to make it work and that i think yeah i'm not sure what it's called though but yeah i think when louis

ck and joe rogan have all got you on a pedestal I think Sam Tallent booked that innit I tell you when I fucking like buzzed off my fucking tits looking at my phone

one day right is Bert Kreischer just tapped us up for a pint in London I'd never met him he'd listened to Ari Shafia's podcast when I talked about

the bull run and he got in touch with us to say that he'd heard that and I'm in London do you fancy a pint? I was in Australia I was like

are you fucking are you fucking if you give me 36 hours I'll be there I'll be there mate I'm on my way that's heavy you've been on his podcast

now though so I've since I've since hung out with him had a drink with him when I was in LA like I took him up on the off hand me and Sloss both

went on his podcast and I got off me fucking tits drunk on the podcast with Bert. Because he records for fucking hours, and we were drinking whiskey, and then I went and played 11-a-side football, drunk as fuck straight after. With Chris Martin, not that one. Chris Martin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Comedian Chris Martin. He was organising, he had a team in a tournament or something that had gotten through the round, and he brought me in as a ringer. Nice. A pissed ringer. Pissed ringer. Can I just say, like, somebody from Newcastle, like, I'm not even one of the best footballers out of me mates.

Like, nowhere near out of me mates. But, like, even drunk as fuck, the best on the pitch in America. Yeah, because they're playing soccer, aren't they? Whoa, that drunk guy is amazing. They just think all fucking English footballers play pissed. yeah because they're playing soccer Andy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, score it's one of the saddest things I know he's tidied himself up a bit like he's in a

better shape but this is like five six years ago when he was gripped by the booze like not quite Raul Mo era

but like and I think they were playing a game and like Gazza was tottering around like your grandad would

and at one point he takes a shot and he goes ah I just fluffed it and they go no go on Gaza pass it back

like a fucking you know make a wish make a wish to one of the best footballers that's ever did it when they let a

fucking special kid have a go oh it was so tragic oh Gaza can you remember he's not necessarily that into football he is

not really no there's a player called Faustino Asprea he's Colombian Tino Tino so he's played as into football as he is not really there's a player called Faustino Asprea he's Colombian Tino so he's played for Newcastle in like

you know what glory days they entertain us like 1997 96 at the time and we did a charity match and he played

and I nutmegged him I got the ball through his legs and fucking it didn't feel good it felt like knocking out Muhammad Ali

when he had Pogs it didn't feel good I nutmegged knocking out Muhammad Ali when he had Parkinson's. It didn't feel good. They put him on a phone. And not make the 56-year-old fastidious. Oh, man, he did clearly drug damage, man. Like, he went back to Colombia and lived it up and got done for gun crimes and shit.

Oh, shit, really? Didn't one of his teammates after the 1994 World Cup get shot by the cartel? I hear that, aye. Aha. Yeah, Tino paid for Colombia, like, in and around the cartel. I hear that, aye. Uh-huh. So this guy. Yeah, Tino paid for Colombia, like,

in and around the Escobar days. Right. Aye. And, he went to the, fish and chip van, that was there, at the stadium,

and, bought a cone of chips, and then went, past the sugar, and grabbed the, sorry, past the salt, and grabbed the sugar,

from where the teas are, and he poured sugar, all over his chips and fucking ate it without realising. You ruined his day there. You nutmegged him and he couldn't stop thinking about it. I love that he's mad. What did you do,

guy? Holy shit. He was an absolute clip yeah and then I I just I couldn't feel good I've got

I've got I've got a photo of like somebody's got a photo of the moment is that opening an office as well can I bring the photo don't open for Stina

that's for you yeah two fucking road comments it doesn't it didn't it didn't feel good No Like I could have

I could have Sugar coated it And just been like I make these chips What the fuck did He scored a hat-ring Against Barcelona In the Champions League

Yeah not make them Where did Fastino Espia live When he lived in Newcastle Like he played for them For about three years Didn't he Two or three years He lived in Newbiggin

And it was like Where Moving down in the world From the favelas Have you never lived in Newbiggin and it was like moving down in the world from the favelas. Have you never been to Newbiggin? No, I know Biter and Walker. You know Ashton? Yeah, yeah.

You know how rough Ashton is? Yeah. Newbiggin's where people from Ashton hang the shit on. Oh, right, okay. It's the little bit up the coast. Right. From Ashton. Rough.

Oh, my God. Pretty rough. I fucking love Newcastle. Yeah, there was a... So good. from Asherton oh my god pretty rough I fucking love Newcastle yeah so good somebody posted a picture from Newbiggin saying

I see Banksy's been to Newbiggin and it was something like suck bongs not cocks and I thought it was a picture of cocks and bongs

like crudely drawn as well not even that's not my kind of place suck bongs not cocks that's great that's recent news out of Newbiggin

how long are you how long are you home for? Are you back on tour loads? In my head, this is your year. You're home for four weeks a year and you're doing gigs in Latvia, Papua New Guinea. You're not far off. Argentina.

Every time I think of you and Sloss, I'm like they're probably in Botswana doing like an arena it's mad where we've managed to cast the net

and fucking pull in like 2,000 seat like not stadiums I mean fucking out in Australia like that was like 5,000 seat I was like brinking

on stadium territory and I'm like I didn't like it as much as I'd rather have done the Hamer Hall in Melbourne like three or four times than do that one twice

so it gets a little bit loses its bit yeah it's just even when you go and watch comedy in a room that big when you're sat quite far away

you're not as involved in the show as like the first 2,000 people are having a great time and then there's about 4,000 people watching a big screen

and oddly when it starts getting to them numbers they stop stacking the people on top of each other and just roll and pin them out as far and wide

as you can see and you're like Jimmy Carr doesn't do them does he he could have been doing arenas years ago he basically caps it I think he does the same

venues as us around Europe and that 3,000, 4,000 seaters and then just goes anyone else is getting ripped off and I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Carr's

comedy but I I respect that yeah like aye feels proper yeah

so where are you going next fuck that's a good question I think it's Latvia I think you've actually fucking hit the I think you've hit the

nail on the head because we're going to Austria and doing some bits there but then we're going across that Estonia, Lithuania that run that eastern block what's your favourite?

favourite in Europe you know when you because obviously you and Daniel do so many places and you've done a few tours of it now it's not like your first time around is there a run where you go I can't wait for that

that Boston keep going back to the Willoughby in Boston that's fucking legit that place it's iconic it's so iconic

I was talking the last outruns and I was saying it feels like you're saying Pulp Fiction is my favourite movie when you say

this is my favourite venue because it just feels like a little bit then every time you come back you're like alright that's why I'm saying it so that one's immense I think my favourite venue because it just feels like a little bit then every time you come back you're like alright aye that's why I'm saying it so that one's

immense but I think my favourite city to go to in America is probably New Orleans oh yeah aye

that's the like that's not even in the top 10 gigs like it's not one of the greatest gigs just the city's class

it's so good we'll put it on. 2026 tour. The Fiends list. Next year, me, Dean and Amy are going, doing some fucking Dan Nightingale and Friends. We'll add New Orleans. Now Orleans.

Let's do that. Now Orleans. Now Orleans. Travelling around America, that felt like the first time we did it, it was like this is a fucking once in a lifetime and we just got shit-faced every night. We went out with the crowd every single night.

We always went to arcade bars because you're like, in an arcade bar, people come and hang out with you, but you can eject if you're getting a bit much or whatever. You can go and play some pinball or something. So we'd just tell them where we were going to go, fill the house. We'd just bounce about people and that, yeah. We went there drinking with the crowd every night as if it was never going to happen again.

And then we were like, we've just done our third trip. We've got a fourth coming up in Maine. We're like, we'll probably relax a little bit. That's so sick, though, isn't it? So good. It's amazing. Well, we've got Newcastle coming up, haven't we? Yes.

You know what? This is going to sound biased, but that's one of my favourite spots in the world. It must still be yours right you've got such a connection yeah yeah but there was it was sort of marred for a while by the connection being at a shit gig because the hyena just went crap yeah just didn't enjoy it but uh since the stand have come in that's one of my favorite rooms you're recording a special later so the special's being recorded there it'll be out mid-january on the have a word podcast youtube channel i've got my old special

up there adam's got two specials up and then about 14 000 hours of podcasting yes go see that and you can uh because we're wrapping up now uh you can still see the male high club if you're a patreon yeah we're still planning on moving to edin the summer. Oh, nice. Yeah, because we want to do the Fringe. And to get a one-bed flat and an Airbnb for the month is £5,400. And you can just have a place for the year for the same rent. Yeah, so we may as well move. Five months rent, innit? Yeah.

But yeah, you can still go on our Patreon. We live stream on there every week. And you can get access to all the specials that we've done. We've done loads. Lots of specials. Ghost hun still doing we've just done one and we're going to Amsterdam in December so we'll be doing

some stuff there that'll be on Patreon and there's also all the episodes that we've done you can go check them out if you've never checked them out

and Kyan Sloss has been on one haven't you yeah definitely see that one that was four yeah the 420 ones Sloss come and do

the first 420 episode so go check them out if you haven't already yeah class that's the Mailed High Club and have a word and I'll see you next time bye

I think we've got Craig Hill for you next bye Craig Hill on the next episode here we go you