Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Front Bottom

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Muggins and Cream are joined by the wonderful Craig Hill the morning after they all had a BBQ and drank wine in the woods. Coming out stories, gigs abroad together and sliced bread are all topics of conversation before Craig reveals his front bottom to us all.

Hi there, I'm Craig Hill. I'm a guest on Sloths and Humphreys on the road. That's quite a mouthful, isn't it? I'll say it again. Sloths and Humphreys on the road. I'm going to be a guest. I am a guest. I've just been a guest. And we have had such a laugh chatting about me, particularly growing up gay. All of us doing gigs abroad in Kuala Lumpur. Having the right glass for your, you know, your alcohol. Being hungover. Having fun building up to the fringe. We've actually just had such a good laugh.

I've really, really enjoyed it. And I think you'll enjoy it too. So watch. And if you are on Patreon, you can watch in advance and you've got lots of benefits. So I would jump on that immediately. But it's such a fun thing to be a guest on. I can't wait to come back and do it again.

Thanks for joining us. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo!

They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? Tears for fears. That's going to be my get in sentence. For the Geordie accent. For the Geordie accent. When we were at Drama Course, you had to have a get in sentence for your for an accent

so for example if you did New York your get in sentence was the flowers have been delivered yeah yeah so you do that

and then you go oh that's the one that gets you in I was so expecting like a walk in here would have been the obvious one but where did you go

with the flowers the flowers have been delivered oh my god something falling off the wall. Craig, that was the Judge Dredd badge. Say that. The what?

Judge Dredd badge. Judge Dredd badge. There you go. Yes. That is your Is that my tongue twister? That's just Sloss and Humphreys on the road in. Yeah. It was the one you said yesterday you loved. Oh, you kept on playing that game yesterday the uh the the the the word you say in american accent that makes it sound like you're speaking glaswegian oh yeah i think we've talked oh yeah it's space ghetto yeah that really does

work doesn't it space ghetto in american accent sounds like spice girl and i love it space ghetto. It's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. My get in for the Northern Irish accent is from my French teacher was Northern Irish. So that's set down now. Sava o'sherdwy, comon tap el te. Sava o'sherdwy. Où est le bibliotech? That's brilliant. That's so funny oh man she was the best Mrs Falls you're not listening to this

but she was supportive of my career well it's funny because I talk about my French teacher in my new show yeah well just because I just remembered her saying to me Craig Hill there's a fine line

between being cheeky and being funny and you don't know it. Well, look at me now. I did up make the career, one of them. Yeah, well, both of them, you do, you know, that's how you know where the line is. The reason the conversation for getting into accents yesterday is we were all at a barbecue hosted by Natalie and her fiance.

She's really nice. Yeah, she's great. She's great. And, you know, she's got a weak taste in men. You know what I really felt like Andy Dwyer from Parks and Rec? Oh, that just cliffed. I felt like Andy Dwyer from Parks and Rec yesterday because Natalie was just being really capable

and I was just, like, useless. Yeah, yeah. She's in one way, he's going to go, and... Yeah. Back when he's big fat, Chris Pratt. Yeah, and her knowledge just like useless. Yeah, yeah. She had a season one where he's going up at Anne. Yeah. Back when he's big fat, crisp fat. Yeah, and her knowledge,

she has the same penchant. Excuse me, did I just get a relationship? No, no. Well, I mean, yeah, in a way. She has the same penchant that I have

for drinking glass, drinking the proper drink out of the proper glass. Oh, see, that's, I have some standards for that. Like, there was one time we were doing uh during the must have been during the fringe we were obviously all coked off our fucking heads

and we came back here and we had red wine and kai was just like let me get glasses on and i was like i'm washing the wine glasses he's like just any glass i'm like we're not not for wine we're not doing just any like a fucking mug or a whiskey glass no no but I will accept you know like if you're having a vodka coke you can have that in a mug because

I don't know no? no even yesterday and I was really impressed because Natalie instinctively did it because we had we started with Prosecco

and you've got beautiful Prosecco glasses it's quite you've only got two as well I think I think that was a wedding gift from us. They felt wedding-y. I thought, these are posh, I'm going to buy these and marry myself. Either that or I've just taken credit for somebody else. I have no idea what we got you for the wedding.

Cara will tell me. I think you might have got us the big wine glasses that we took around the woods yesterday. We took them into the wild. You know how when you were kids your kids used to just drink in the street but it would be like a bag of cans or md 2020 no you and i had very different childhoods i took i did i know i had a very similar childhood to you i remember wearing a long um echo and a bunny man uh kind of mac like they wore like long little coats and i tried to sneak all my beers or as you would see

be how you say it again yes beers beers um my beers um why does that sound like it's like that's my girlfriend she's my beer i don't know why it sounds cool anyway i tried to sneak my beers in uh like three in one pocket three in the other pocket in my long coat yeah and the into the cinema to say i think it was Superman just like a Jakey Matrix like a Jakey Matrix yeah and I was

yeah exactly like that like a trench coat like you were selling them you want to buy a beer yeah and this guy was like you've got six beers in that coat haven't you

I was like oh my god you're like some genius and he's like put them in that bush outside and I bet you when you come out after Superman

they'll still be there and he's like and he's got pride I don't think so and I put them in I put them in a put them in that bush outside and I bet you when you come out after Superman they'll still be there. And he's like, right, I don't think so. And I put them in a bush, came out and they were still there. Nature's fridge. Nature's fridge. But yeah, so yeah, my childhood was more like yours. I would well sneak about with beers in a coat.

But to drink in the street though. We'd go over the pity. We'd go to a park. Hold on, say the most Geordie sentence again. We'd used to drink our cans over the pit heap we'd go to a park hold on say the most Geordie sentence again we'd used to drink our cans over the pit heap

it's not you weren't raised in the 30s why are you drinking near a coal mine get over it it's the

Bella heap Bella is short for Isabella that's not I mean someone would drink Bella on the Bella heap I don't even know what Bella is I'm impressed you know what a pit heap is I didn't know what a pit heapella, that's not... I mean, someone would drink Bella on the Bella Heap. I don't even know what Bella is.

I'm impressed you know what a pitheep is. I didn't know what a pitheep was. It's when they dig the land and then just leave the mound of earth where they've excavated. In Newcastle, that's where they make hills. Yeah, it did make you sound like Stig of the Dump. Like, you know, we used to... What did you say?

We used to drink things in the pit heap I was actually chatting to Natalie about it here because there's this caged bridge right going over the railway lane

and it used to just be this like you would just walk along the outside of it but it didn't feel that dangerous because you could

get your fingers through the caged bit or so you'd actually climb on the outside of the bridge and go around it and it was the train tracks

and I just remember one of the older kids just fucking like on it like doing it and then the train went by full of it and it was the train tracks and I just remember one of the older kids just fucking like on it like doing it and then the train went by full of coal

was it above the railway line and he was above the railway line and it goes by so slow that I'm like jump on one of them

jump on one of the cars and he fucking did and he jumped and he just disappeared off into the distance he just fucked off towards Blythe Power Station with alcohol

that is absolutely brilliant if this is a V-Link fucking team that's like when people say if somebody said jump would you do it and the person did and he did power station with alcohol that is absolutely brilliant this is a very like fucking time that's like when people say if somebody said jump would you

do it and the person did and he did he was on the way he was like what do I do and we're like hi

just this real coal covered conductor coming down he's never had to take a ticket in his life hold on that reminds me

for some reason that reminds me of the time I was in Cooper, waiting for my friend who worked in Cooper, and it was a beautiful day, and there was a beautiful railway bridge, and I stood on the railway bridge, I was sitting on the railway bridge just going, oh, life's good, this is a nice day, my friend's going to be here in 15 minutes, I'll just have a lovely moment, and I was just contemplating how nice life was, and somebody phoned the police and said they thought I was about to commit suicide.

Somebody phoned the police and the police come up to me and said, excuse me, are you going to top yourself? And I said, what's this, your skilful way of topping me down?

But thank you for correctly assuming I'm a top. Yes. Are you a top yourself? He said, and I go, it's none of your business, handsome officer.

No, he said, are you going to top yourself? You've got to hit your button before you top yourself. Yeah, and I was just thinking like, do you know, if somebody was going to do that, that wouldn't be a good,

that's not a very helpful sentence. Yeah. So he said, are you going to top yourself? As if they're going to go, yeah. Anyway, so I said, no, why did you yourself as if they're going to go yeah anyway so I said no

why did you think that and he went a woman just phoned and said you look like you're about to jump off the

bridge I said this is not my jump off the bridge face this is my life is good face

excuse me are you going to neck yourself sorry just the neighbours say you've got the neck yourself look about you

it's the neck yourself sorry I need to hit you with my baton so you don't fucking die and so he took my word for it I mean

if I was suicidal you wouldn't have known because he just walked away just aye I checked he said he was he said he jumped

what more do you want me to do Steve I asked the gunner if he was going to tap himself. He said, nah, I fucked off. Next thing I know, my back's covered in jam and you're yelling in my face. His last words were, psych motherfucker. But what made me laugh was, he said, okay then, walked away.

And then I had to find the woman, didn't I? I was like, where is she? And then I saw this curtain twitching so she was like that as she was holding the curtain and then I started going like that which was terrible just because I thought I thought she was being a bit dramatic because she saw someone sitting on her way. I want you to watch bitch! You should afford the police on here how saying that you like you you saw her just carrying some rope in and she's still on a chair at the minute

oh my god just keep phoning the police on each other it was the irony of will you two stop this arms race it was the irony of somebody thinking you were doing something so awful in a moment that was so lovely it was so ironic

it was the opposite of what I was thinking I was thinking life was lovely on that railway bridge I love the fact that your little story of a child jumping onto a coal

on a train did you ever get him back or is he just like part of he wasn't one of my mates he was just one of the other lads

or did he just get turned into electricity like fucking stranger things the only way he's never been seen since aye there's just heaps of power I don't know what happened turned into electricity like fucking stranger things. He's never been seen since. There's just heaps of power.

I don't know what happened. Man, turns out Steve was filled with energy. That's why he was so excited to jump on the train. That was the thing about Steve, he could always fuel the fire. It's such a Geordie origin story that he got filled with energy

from coal. A Geordie origin story is a Georgian story. Oh, well, so this is the bit we were doing before the podcast. You, obviously, as our listeners will know, have a silly accent. And what was the question you wanted to ask them? What was the name of the band?

Oh, yes. I'm going to make you say things in my favourite Geordie vowel by asking you questions like, who are that band where the guy is the lead actor, the gay guy in It's a Sin? What's that band called? It's the band called Yes and Yes. Yes and Yes. Yes, I love it. What's the name of that fucking sitcom? They all drink in a pub, it's in America.

Oh, cheers. Cheers. I love it, honestly. I love this quiz cheers yeah um what's the name of that band that sang everybody wants to rule the world is it how we open the podcast that is my favorite vowel that's going to be my definitely be my my get in yesterday when you were doing that tiny wheel tinyir and every time every time every time I heard even your other

Geordie friends like I was overhearing this thinking that's my favourite so I didn't know one could have a favourite Geordie Belle but that's my favourite

Geordie Belle you should have seen how happy his little face was when Marie went I didn't give in to PR pressure

I was like a little dog. I was like, oh, she's found another one. PR. PR. What would you call expensive venison? Expensive venison? Oh, dear, dear. Oh, I like this game a lot

Oh what would you call The very famous musical Written by Abba Mamma Mia Yes This is what the podcast is now About fucking jukebox We were talking about

the I don't think it's it's not OCD but it's one of those things which people would ignorantly say that's OCD of you wanting drinks to be in the correct glasses so I just thought it was nice when we went from

Prosecco to wine and I thought maybe Natalie is going to suggest putting the wine in the Prosecco glass. And I was thinking, I could cope. But would you put on a brave face? And she said, I'll get you a glass. And I was like, oh. So she went, I can't serve you wine in a Prosecco glass.

I went, oh, you're cut from the same cloth. And vice versa. I wouldn't have wine in a went I can't serve you I can't serve you wine in a baceca glass and I went oh you're cut from the same cloth and vice versa I wouldn't have wine in a I wouldn't yeah so then we went

to walk around the woods and I was like shall we decant these into plastic glasses and Natalie was like nah we're wagging around with these we're fucking

growing up it felt like the classiest thing I've done all year we took three wine glasses into a forest and local people were like

they've got a better life than us we're bumping into people like because like quite like just retired folk

they were really lovely yeah like everyone was like pension age yeah that were chatting they would give each of them

like all of our time it was really lovely and so you saw them you were all steaming well you left

you saw the state of me when you left I didn't I didn't get better after that I didn't, yous were all steaming. Well, you left, you saw the state of me when you left. Aye. I didn't get better after that. I didn't just make a quick recovery after you left. It was like, oh, it's gone. Somebody get me a coffee and a water. It was amazing, though, because it felt like a luxury,

but it was just a little thing. It was just having a glass outdoors, because you don't know if you're allowed to do that. Walking the dog. Aye. But other people were actually they were like oh I wouldn't have thought to bring a

glass out that's a lovely idea and it felt like a luxury yeah because I mean well first of all walking around with wine glasses

the only time I can ever think you'd ever do that is either one at a shit industry party or an art gallery but I guess if you

do live in a lovely area and also like when people say don't drink in the streets they don't mean that that's not who the police are stamping down on it's a bunch of people drinking fucking

Pimms and Cava I didn't find out till lockdown that you are legally allowed to drink in the street in Edinburgh and you're not in Glasgow I didn't know that because of the fringe Festival rules have to apply all year. And also Edinburgh's just, I mean

no offence to you, I mean I'm not even in Edinburgh but I live here so I feel I have to defend it. Glasgow's funner than Edinburgh but Edinburgh's safer. Edinburgh's nicer and calmer and you know. When you're talking about but Edinburgh is safer. Edinburgh is nicer in Cahamarra. They're going to take that asshole and rinse it.

When you're talking about Glasgow, you can say any city and go, it's safer than Glasgow. Yeah, that I. Because even though they are improving things, they're improving it from like being the worst in Europe. So it's getting better. But until it's...

I started having, well, I started chatting to my neighbours. I don't think my neighbours have ever chatted to each other until during lockdown nobody really, everyone's in flats so nobody really sees each other and that whole giving the nurses the NHS the clap meant that we all started chatting it was really nice actually

but then we started, it started off with clapping on a Thursday and then a man brought a bagpipe and he said that the Bagpipe Society phoned him and said can you start playing the bagpipes on a Thursday. And then a man brought a bagpipe and he said that the Bagpipe Society phoned him and said, can you start playing the bagpipes on a Thursday when they do the clap? Yeah.

Because anyone, we're just asking anyone who can play the bagpipes, because he started coming out into the street every Thursday. I started getting really looking forward to these Thursdays. And then, and then my neighbours started going,

should we bring gin next week? And I'm just going, yeah. And this is how we started drinking in the street. Then me and my other neighbours, and I don't know very well, but I do now, I started bringing foldaway chairs. Foldaway chairs, gin, tonic. We were at the top of the street,

sat outside their house, because they get the sun after sun. You were having a block party? Yeah. And then we, like cats, we just followed the sun till nine o'clock along the street. And I thought, this is a really simple gift in life, sitting in a foldaway chair, which normally outside of COVID, you would have felt like a dick.

Yeah. You would have felt like, why am I sitting in the street in a foldaway chair? And I would fully recommend that everyone does that. That's why I like Jester do so much, because it felt like that. We feel like we really missed the chance to like if we were good neighbours at the start of covid we would have started going around to our neighbours and just because they're a bit older i don't know they're not ancient but they're definitely over 65 and they're nice we've met them before we definitely should have gone around and been

like hey is there anything we can get you when we're at the shops and uh and we didn't didn't and then just you know and then you're only it doesn't make you a neighbour but it just makes you a neutral neighbour but the longer you leave it it just feels like you gradually get worse over time and it's too late to go now it's yeah like I couldn't I don't know how friendly we'd be allowed to be with it I don't know if they hold it harbouring bitterness in there do you want something from Waitrose and they went yeah I did eight months ago. Back when my husband was alive. Thank you very much, you bastard. They were lovely yesterday,

though, weren't they? Those people we bumped into. And that man, he was dressed beautifully. I was complimenting him on his whole outfit. He was like the Greenhouse Guild. I was.

I was just like, can I just compliment you? I said, how you've found that shade of trouser for that shirt is beyond me. That's skilled skilled he looked amazing

he was dressed beautifully he was classed just out for his walk did he take the compliment well or was he no he did aye and he had a

he had a wonderful earnest moustache explain further because normally I think these days a moustache is ironic oh okay

like someone's seen a Movember you know what I mean you know how like your grandad has an earnest moustache oh yes has an Ernest moustache? Eric has an Ernest moustache. It's deliberate.

It's a irony. He had fantastic hair. I had what I call HE hair envy. I did. He had really beautiful white hair. Really, wasn't it a great head of hair? That's the hair you want, right? Didn't you used to pretty much have an afro?

Didn't you have hair? Well, I mean... You were pulling up photos yesterday of your hair. That's the hair you want. Didn't you used to pretty much have an afro? Didn't you have hair? Well, I mean. You were pulling up photos yesterday of your hair. I know, I know. And you had Satchel Bob hair. I did, I really did. Yeah, it wasn't quite afro, but yeah, naturally really, really tight curly hair. Yeah. And it was always receding though, so the problem with the receding hairline is no matter how much hair you've got, still it's a bit shit. Aye. And it was curly. And I just had an enormous head. And I remember telling somebody yesterday, I remember somebody gave me the worst advice ever on the gay scene, because I had long hair. Yeah. And then, no, sorry, that's what I did. I had curly hair, and I knew it was receding,

so I grew it as long as you could grow it, so I grew it down to there, because I knew it was going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the one chance to grow it. Yeah, it's one last final hurrah break up sex break up sex with your head

yeah and I had just discovered I was gay with the worst look for a gay and somebody said to me

oh being gay is really easy all you do is you go into a gay club and you stand by yourself and eventually

somebody talks to you and I did and they didn't and I realised it was because of my hair and fat I remember

I remember what a horrible thing because is that true that's not true that is true oh it is true I stood by myself

with this full head of hair no no no but is the rule true now if you were to just stand in a gay bar by yourself somebody would eventually yeah somebody probably would talk to you right okay just because if that's not true he's a dick

what a great way to give a new blossoming gay anxiety being like just stand still to someone i still know that guy and he always says to me could you stop telling people i give you that bad advice and can i make can i make the story a little bit sadder oh my god it was it was me no no it was it was before smartphones so you had nothing to do oh yes you stood there with nothing to do it's true and i love music i just sat there not moving i stood there actually not moving but what was interesting you just reminded me another thing as well um so uh to kind of uh make up for the hair i started wearing a hat so i would like put the hair in a ponytail wear a hat and then this guy came up to me and said excuse me do you mind if you take your hat off like in a gay bar and i said why anyway well i

was just having a bit of a debate with my friend i said okay and i didn't even answer him so i took the hat off anyway yeah i went i said by the it we were just in you're only handsome from there down he said the minute you take the hat off you really lose it and I was like oh my god and then I got bored and I thought

well I'm just going to have to live with this now I wore hats for years the damage that did what a cruel thing to say but anyway

as soon as I cut my hair off everything was fine I stood by myself and people talked so I think my look didn't blend and it was a bit of a me

it was a bit of a goth I also respect anyone because Cullen's done the same thing which is just like you know what I don't know what it's like to lose hair

but Cullen just went this is over right it's not finished there but I'm making the executive decision to you can't fire me I fucking quit

and by the way you know when loads of people who are bald say oh god I really wish I had hair I don't because my hair did not make me look better so I think I look as soon as I got used to it because you don't know if you've got a good head

to the D you shave it off and then when I shaved it off I thought actually I think this looks better so I'm actually glad you have a good head for bald do I give good hair to a bald that's great that's a terrible thing to say but you know what I'm talking about. You've got a decent swede. You've got a decent swede. What's a swede? Like a head. What do you call a swede? Like a turnip. Like a giant, oh that's really funny, I think it meant like a giant turnip.

That's what I do and it's not even Cockney Raymond slang, because it's a lot more direct. Yeah. Yeah, well, anyway, so I shaved it off, and yeah, so, yeah, don't really go, or, no, I would say I wish I had hair, if the hair, if I had brilliant hair. What would be, like, in your, like, fantasy world? Oh, fantasy hair? Yeah, yeah. I tell you, it's really easy. I can do it through mime.

Okay. Basically. For all our listeners. This is great for the listeners this forces people to start watching them oh I forgot that yeah ok I'll explain it this forces people to move to the video

I want that hair that you put your fingers through and it all falls into place like David Silvian from Japan who had this beautiful head of hair and he had this big blonde fringe and it was that kind of hair you put through it and it just fell back again.

That's the hair I desperately wanted my whole life. I have no idea. I'm assuming that was a movie you referenced there. No, no, no. Japan is the group that sings The Ghost of My Life Goes Wilder. What was his name? David Silvian.

He was so cool. Okay. He was so cool. His hair was everything. Yeah. and he had and I even I at school with my curly hair

listen to this this is a great story I'm so glad we're on a podcast well I thought of this as a young man with curly hair all my life that's him

look how cool he is he looks great oh yeah he looks like that fucking tennis commentator what's her name Sue Barker it was kind of a Duran Duran-y kind of face.

It was like a new romantic look. I, this was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me in my childhood. I had curly hair all my life. And one day I was leaning against radiators because radiators are a given in East Kilbride. They were invented there. And I had my hair like this. I put my hair like this. And then I leaned on the radiator

while I was watching whatever, this TV programme. And then I went up and my hair was straight. And I'm like, what happened? I've always wanted straight hair in my life. What happened? It was the world's largest straightening iron. So basically, that was before straightening irons were around. Yeah. So I then, so this is not a joke. I then, that was before straightening irons were around.

So I then, this is not a joke, I then, before I went out anywhere. Bring up who invented the straighteners first of all.

Just so, because I know what claims about to come up here. Oh yeah, it was me. No, no.

1909. The audacity. A gay man saying he invented the straightener. With a giant ischemic light radiator. Bald man. The audacity. A gay man saying he invented the straightener. With a giant, he's got a radio. Bald man. But I mean,

all I'm saying is, I used those radiators to straighten my hair. And so once I realised that, I would get ready to go out and my hair was kind of cut short here, right? Yeah. But it had like long curly hair

and I would get all the curls. So I knew if you, I was a hairdresser, so I knew if you combed it while it was wet you could make it feel a little bit straight and then when just before it was dry I mean I'm trying not to get up every night before I went out I would basically lean the whole family was standing and I was just like I'll be 10 minutes and I would basically go through every second you got got a book. Like, on the radiator, and then stand up and just go, do you receive it?

I mean, no, no, you've just had the other point. This is also a time when phones didn't exist. It's not like he's sitting there scrolling the internet. It's just sad, like a goat that's in a fight that it's not winning. It turns out, oh, listen, that didn't stop me talking. I go, how is everyone? listen that didn't stop me talking. I go, how is everyone? Can somebody bring me in a drink with a big straw please? Just leave it on the ground. No device. That's how everyone was going. I just sat with my arse in the air and chatted. The only surprise is that

you were on top. So I just basically, yeah. So, I mean, this was normal to me because the result was so worth it. And it must have been like a straightening iron. It basically worked. Do you reckon George Foreman grilled, does it? Well, I think if you go here, you could probably test that theory. No, George Foreman grilled, but that would be more of a crimp. Crimp, aye. Oh, you've been

grilled but anyway I'm a good girl I am I remember getting anyway I bought crimpers

and they I thought they came before straightening irons but they came before cool straightening irons and crimpers

were the first you could kind of pull your hair your curly hair and make it straight so I David Selvian the hell out of that. And at school, I would, I mean, this is how gay I was. In the morning, I would have one hairstyle,

go home at lunchtime, have lunch, and come back with a different hairstyle. I'm not joking. That's not a joke. Donny, you did costume change in East Kilbride. That is absolutely true. And I bleached the front of my hair because David Servine had bleached the front of his hair.

And basically, I would go in the morning with curly hair and then I would go home in the afternoon, crimp it like that, get rid of that, and then go back in the afternoon. And I would go, what? Man, I would just be like, don't point it out. Whatever you do, don't point it out. It's what he wants.

It's what he wants. The funny thing is, in my show this year I've never really had a theme but this is the closest I've ever had to one the theme is I didn't think anyone

knew I was gay and it's basically me going through in working class Easton Price and I'm going through all the basically it's just a list

of all the obvious sides and that would have been one of them not many people were changing their hair at lunchtime. Not at all. No. And then sometimes, but for me, maybe it was because it was curly. So it was such a change and it was so exciting after years

of not having straight hair, I suddenly could have. And how were the teachers? Were there any comments about this? Yes, I was once, I think one teacher, because then I would back comment make it really high like it was up to there and then they tried to stop me doing that

like they were just like you can't have your hair like that at school and I think I said something really immature like you're just jealous because I've got hair because it was a baldy

teacher you jinxed yourself there didn't you yeah yeah but they didn't really give me he was kind of loosely saying you know

it's a bit much for school and I said I think it's fun and he didn't he wasn't strict about it like you can't do that yeah good teacher just being like

just a heads up this might get you someone wanted attention and you were like don't care and he was like I know well I did my job like I tried

I was like wait John it's better to be a goth and gay in a way I think it diverted attention because I think that is actually a very good point that you've just raised there,

that it's better to be... Oh, wait, you said it's better to be goth than gay because I... No, because when I was younger, I think... I just... Do you know, I wasn't ready to come out, right? There's nothing wrong with being gay. It's lovely. I didn't know it was going to be lovely.

Did you also feel like you didn't have the need to come out because everybody knew? Well, I don't think he knew everyone knew. Why? I think if you asked them all, they'd all say, oh, my God, we knew. They would all say they knew. Because they were really trying to hide your shock

after you know what you're getting for Christmas, but you still weren't. In my head, I was... Oh yeah, but I also think it's important, and this is one thing I've learned from gay friends of mine who have come out, which is apparently,

if you go, I'm gay, and everyone goes, we know, that's not a class feeling because it's like you this is like you've arrived talking about you behind your back no not even in that sense but like to to come to any form of certainty of your you know your sexuality or your your gender any sort of thing in your personal journey even whether people arrive at the conclusion before you like it was still a journey for you to get there and it's just very it's very sort of

underwhelming and unsupportive for you to finally have the courage to say something huge moment yeah it's a huge moment and weirdly when you say it out loud it's the first time you've really really told yourself as well yeah that's huge that that was I remember thinking if I don't say it then it doesn't exist yeah and I felt like it was a big moment when I was the first person you told uh my friend Julie I'm still friends with her now I used to almost tell her because I used to go to Strathclyde Uni this is a really weird story but I used to go to Strathclyde Uni which was quite cool gothy with all my gothy pals and I would leave early when I was drunk to stand and watch people come out of gay bars because I couldn't believe they had the

nerves I couldn't believe they had the guts, I couldn't believe they had the guts. Oh, really? You saw them as inspirational. I was drunk and I would stand and go, oh my God, they've actually told people. Like, I couldn't do that. So I, that was really like, you know, like a young guy who wasn't confident about coming out.

Just standing out, just standing out, standing in a gay bar with your trench coat on, with your booze in your pockets. But you know, like, know, it sounds really creepy, doesn't it? I didn't really mean to sound like that. Basically, it was more that they were helping me

build up the confidence because I had to see people who were confident about it. So I saw them leave. It was basically because we were all waiting for the bus in George Square to go back to East Kilbride.

So it was me killing time and I'd left a bit early because I was drunk. And it was like the drunken part of me knew that I was going to turn out gay. Are you drunk at school here? No, not at school. This was a bit later on I was drunk and it was like the drunken part of me knew that I was going to turn out gay are you drunk at school here no not at school this is a bit later all right so sorry when you said that you just mean your time and yeah so I yeah and he's combined so um so I would kind of go I would leave a bit early and go god they've all told

people the game I was like that's amazing I was like well maybe I could do that one day but I had to see them yeah kind of doing and it was like they were real if I could see them they were real and then gradually I would in Strathclyde Uni I would start to say to suggest to my friend Julie

that I had something to tell her one day okay and then I would start to tell her and then make up a lie about something else

so that because I it was like you can't go back so I thought if I tell her that's it it's official

and then I got too frightened of that I'm like oh I'm not ready and then one day I so you'd sat her down and be like

Julia I've got something to tell you I've felt this way for ages I've finally got the confidence to tell you and you look up and she's making eye contact

with you good support friend and you're just checking out and you're like I'm celiac she's like I guess today's not the day then. Julie, I've just been sitting on this for a while,

but I like the coffee revels. I've never had the guts to tell you this, I'm Spanish. Si, si, si. Ah, I see now. I've never had the good to tell you this Julie but

you're gay you've got to get closer every time exactly oh god right today's the day I think I might be straight and then she's shocked

what what and yeah it was really interesting because she was very attractive so a lot of for a wee while interesting because she was very attractive so a lot of uh for a wee while people thought she was my girlfriend then that got people off the scent a little bit and was that good

like was that like a nice disguise it made me feel a little bit calm like it was less pressure yeah to come out um just okay and i'm glad you did that in your journey i'm very glad you did that in your journey but can i just say on behalf of all the straight men that existed back then, fuck you for taking the hot girl off us. Yes, yes. Yes, I'm with you on that. We were all sat there being like, no, she's with that guy. My other decoy was people said,

when I tell people I was gay, they go, I'm so surprised because you really, really fancy that Madonna. No, that's me. And I was like, that's the gay, that's the big gay sign. So fancy and Madonna. Oh yeah, he's,

have you heard the way he talks about Madonna? He's definitely not gay. He's obsessed. It was so funny. But yeah, so people thought

that I found, and then my friend, Gillian, said to me, the funniest thing about you coming out was, she said,

I always thought you were so chaste and I really admired you for how unsexual you were because you were so respectful of women and you never talked about them the way that men did. You weren't interested sexually. And she said, and then you turned gay and I thought, oh God, no, he's not non-sexual at all. So it's quite interesting that she saw that as chaste.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when you come out to Julie had you already done gay things yet no so there was no just guys out there

who knew you were gay and it was just the people in your community that didn't know I don't think I had done so literally nobody knew yeah I think I was again that was the other thing

was it's not just once you see it once you do it aye you're more like you can't go back then, can you? So I think,

no, I don't think I'd done anything. Oh, that would have been so funny if you'd just come out to your mate and all that and shag the guy

and just went, ugh. Oh, I got that way wrong. Oh my God. Julie, Julie, come back.

Julie, come back. You're the prettiest person I know. Just snap Julie's neck. I love that. So, basically, go by your theory, her reaction should have been, do you know what I say?

I think her reaction should have been, have you tested it? Yeah, aye. Have you tested it? Have you tested yourself? Where's your poof? Where's your poof? Where's your proof, sorry?

Well, that's Freudian. Freudian. That's Freudian. Where's your poof? I want full proof I think you can find out If you're gay on a dry run Like if you

If you watch gay porn And like it I reckon it's Like if you Yeah You don't need to actually You know if you fancy I think so

But I've also Every Well when I was Back when I was Single Every two or three years I would get drunk And kiss a bloke

and just go, let's just check. Let's just check. Feelings come up, they come out, and each time it's happened a bit. Well, most of the time it's been like on stage, like drunk. Every year at the same time when we are, I'm just like, ooh.

What day are we meeting? Then he just walks past us and kisses another guy. Is that how you make me think that? You know, I could just not go for years and just go, just testing. Just checking. Just checking. And it's not your fault. Like, you know I could just snog girls for years and just go just testing just checking just checking and it's not your fault

like you know Tom Ballard got really drunk in the drunk cast got chatted on by an audience obviously ended up pulling up he's a good kisser

it's not for me I kissed Elliot Steele once because two lesbian girls said that they would kiss I'm sorry are you an American pie if we did

and we kissed and then they laughed and didn't two lesbian girls said that they would kiss. I'm sorry, are you an American pie? If we did. And we kissed and then they laughed and didn't. God bless those women. No, Daniel, I'm not an American pie. I'm in the real world and it sucks way harder than teen movies. And when I say teen movies, I was in my 30s he was a teenager Craig can I ask you

about your taste in music changed when you came out well you've already told us you were obsessed with Madonna so I'm going to I remember having this moment where I was wearing that long coat that was a big coat and I was this was the real moment I came out, actually.

I was in Crystals. Do you know how small towns always have very highfalutin names for their nightclubs? Uh-huh, yes. You know, we had a place in East Quebec called Downtown Miami. I mean, what? Yeah, yeah. It's called Downtown Miami. Nothing like Downtown Miami one would imagine.

But anyway, I was in Crystals. I was wearing my long coat and they were playing Bring on the Dancing Horsesing embodiment and i was doing my echoing embodiment dance with my long straightened fringe on a radiator and i was just like dancing about just going oh god i just love being so tentative and then they played i heard and you could dance it was madonna and i was like oh my god i really like car as well and I was walking off the dance floor and I was like

I can't dance to this I can't I can't be seen and your hand just that's good it was like it took over me it was like

I was walking off dancing to the Bunnymen going I can't do the Bunnymen and Madonna you're either one or the other Craig and then this gay guy went

you're gay and I ran back and went, you can dance. I was doing all the moves from the video and it was like everyone went, he's always been gay. You can jump while you're dancing. Poppers start going, doves flying everywhere. You're just reminding me of, it's amazing what you divulge in a podcast.

You're just reminding me when you go to Singapore And you do that gig in Singapore Oh yeah And there's a place called I think they actually call it The Four Floors of Horror The Four Floors of Horror And they took me there

Because I wanted to see what your life is like Hi, hold on Kai's life I was in there in a smoking jacket Yeah, and I remember Craig, what brings you to Singapore? I didn't know you were going to be here all the comedians

were going there do you want a beer or a queer we've got them all or a beer or a who or a she or a he a she

anyway so we were going we were going there and the comedians were going and I thought well I want to see what it's like

and the four floors thing was intriguing to me so it was like a different level of whoredom if that's what you call it and downstairs was like the trainees and that's not what that's not what they call them no no no it wasn't trainees it was no there was no listen they were listen they were remove the I tennies tennies there's an R

are you oh my god it's a tennie I removed the R is that not a tennie is that not an Australian beer a tennie

it was low hanging fruit I missed it somehow low hanging fruit just hit us in the face anyway I

remember going to this place and the trainees, there was a bar. No, the wet jeans. No, the wet jeans. Oh my God. He's just got it. He's just got it. You stupid.

You like to slur. I can't even say it. It was... I can't explain this joke. It's horrible. All right, don't say it. I want to live in my naivety. Okay.

I want to live in my naivety. It's how an Australian would say a slur. A bunch of trainees. Oh my God. I'm sorry. It was meant to be like a slipped in joke. Can someone phone the man who invented editing And thank him

Because this will be cut cut cut Cut cut cut Anyway Don't say what you're thinking I knew you were thinking that Stop We're better than you are Not at comedy

You are terrible Muriel So yes We were at the first floor And not at comedy but just as people you are terrible Muriel so yes we were on the first floor and the first floor had a bar and the girls on the bar dancing

were trainees so the ones who were talking to me were saying they were saying oh these girls are just starting off so they were

bowed up the corner and finished the shit by kind of dancing and I said oh that's quite interesting because I was so gay some of the guys were like oh god

you just thought you were in an empty room the guys thought the girl was really hot and all I could think was that's not even what Beyonce does in the video like that's all

I could think was that's like I need to re-choreograph this and also what is she wearing Beyonce would not be caught dead in any of that

anyway apparently I look like a Glaswegian heterosexual because a girl comes up to me and she's and she says um do you want to play pool and i was like oh my god i don't know what to do now because and i said because i quite fancy playing pool so i said yes and she said okay and then it was all leaning over playing like i thought oh no she thinks she thinks i'm

i'm interested and i was going i don't know i don't know i don't know what she thinks do you think i'm yeah i'm interested and i was going i don't know i don't know i don't know when just when to say oh i've got myself in a situation and uh she kept on like painful really suggest you just kept pot the brown horrible expression and it's well yes i'm not even going to say more. Anyway, so she would do the... That's really... Yeah, you're on the pink just going...

Do you get it yet? I'm getting sick! Can I help if I put two of them in my mouth? Oh, my God. So, yeah, I was doing all this, and then they played Madonna

Madonna seems to have saved me or outed me every time they played Madonna and I the girls the girls said

do you want to dance and as soon as I danced she went are you gay as soon as she saw me dancing and apparently that was how I I just saw it

swallow the pool cue with the song come on yeah so yeah Madonna has outed me accidentally do you because you were talking about that was when we were in Singapore together the first I would swallow the pool cue with the song going on. Yeah, so, yeah. Madonna has outed me accidentally. Do you,

because you were talking about, that was when we were in Singapore together, because one of the first international gigs I'd ever done was with you in Singapore, where we also went to Bali and Kuala Lumpur and Jakarta. People don't know this, but I was told to look after Daniel. Remember?

I don't know what age you were. I was about 19. Yeah, and I was like, his leash was just tied to a fire hydrant outside of four floors of ours. I could look after Daniel. Look after floors of ours look after Dan he's quite I think he's perfectly capable of looking after himself until I saw his shorts

and he was using swimwear as day wear and I was like this is Sydney Australia you cannot walk down the street in swim shorts Craig goes do you want to go for lunch? And I'm like, surely. He's like, I'll be ready in 10 minutes.

And I went, how far away is lunch? He went, 10 minutes. And they looked at me and went, 30 minutes, we're going shopping. I can't be seen with you like that.

And I'm like, but they're shorts. Yeah, but they're for the pool, Daniel. And I was like, no, you need to buy nice,

short, like, and then we bought, I remember them, they were burgundy shorts you bought, and they were really nice shorts, and you were actually quite chuffed with them but they were really nice

basically we were just getting styled I think it was also the first time I'd ever spent more than like 30 quid on an item of clothing which like

I was like I just Craig I could spend this on booze or comic books by the way if anyone's got a mental image they weren't Speedos

they were like big baggy multi-coloured massive but they weren't my swim shorts yeah yeah I'm pretty sure they had like ducks and rainbows on them you know what's funny about this I remember They were like big, baggy, multi-coloured, massive. But they weren't... Oh, my swim shorts, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure they had like ducks and rainbows on them.

You know what's funny about this? I remember coming down to a restaurant on tour. It was a hotel lobby restaurant, a nice hotel. And I was wearing like swim shorts. And you were like, go and get changed. Go and look for me? It's so funny hearing that you were in my position and then got that from him.

And then you then just like down your nose yeah of course well that's that's that's how you learn that's what i could have done i could have been like hey i'm gonna save you some embarrassment according to the case like this isn't on and we'll do better if we do this but because i dealt with it and also i just like looking down my nose at you anyway oh i've ended up in a fucking pact that i don't want to be part of oh before you get into your sopping pact i just want when we were in k a fucking pact That I don't want to be part of Oh hold on Before you get into Your soppy pact I just want When we were in

Kuala Lumpur I don't know if you Remember this But The time that you Were introduced Is this is Daniel Sloss

He's young Hung And full of spunk Young fun And full of cum Full of cum And I was like What introduction is that

And they You asked yourself To be brought on stage No no no So we were on this gig and it was terribly fucking run. That was the first one in Kuala Lumpur.

Really bad. There were about 40 people in the room, all fucking spread out. We tried to get the column pair to bring them to the front. He didn't.

And then when they wouldn't, then he eventually tried after we pressured them to and then he just yelled at them until they all moved. It was a really bad gig. But there was the other Kuala Lumpur one

which was in a pub and I just remember because you went on and you smashed and you came off and because it was all to fucking gig but there was the other Kuala Lumpur one which was in a pub and I just remember because you went on and you smashed and you came off and because it was all to fucking British expats

right there was this big fucking British guy who just hated it you could just tell he was a fucking

homophobe it was his problem straight away from the dancing and everything just that fucking whatever and then you came off

and I was trying to tell you that he fucking hated your set and then you went over and I was trying to tell you that he fucking hated your set and then you went over and just doing your straight Glasgow voice that you do convinced him that

it was an act that you'd done yes you went up and you oh my it was the funny me and Francesca Martinez were pissing ourselves laughing

because you were just there being like mate don't worry about it it's just a fucking it's just a fucking act man I actually found it I sometimes put on a poofy shake man

for a laugh that was it and he bought I probably did that just to see if he would believe me he did and he was so relieved

he was so he was like oh I get it now I'm sure I must have told him I write I'm sure I would have actually not

let that go ahead oh you probably towards the I would have corrected him but the thing I remember most about that gig was, so the guy, I couldn't believe when he said, this is Daniel Sawes, young, hung and full of cum. And I thought, wow, what an introduction.

And then he rapped me on. And he went, so this guy's coming from Glasgow and he's got ball-tare, tannic, kill. And I was like, stop it! What a terrible, terrible introduction. Just say it. The next comedian's called Craig Hill. It was awful. I was like, stop it! What a terrible, terrible introduction. Just say it in the next comedian. It's called Craig Hill.

It was awful. He rapped me on. Oh, God. He really did. I remember it. I did have a question about your front bottom. Yes. Now, I've had my front bottom lined recently.

And it looks amazing. Because it gets damp. and it stops it getting damp and I've had a party in it. Okay. Yeah, because, well, I knew what I was going to put in it but I thought, well, let's have a party first

before you put everything in your front bottom. So I had a party in it and then I found out it's got Wi-Fi. Oh, that's good. I put fairy lights in it. Am I right in thinking that you've currently got a wet front bottom? Well, yeah, because my neighbour watered it this morning.

So, yeah. I heard that one call. So my front bottom is what I call the little cellar under the road, outside, at the front, down the bottom. Okay, yeah, yeah. So it's a little cellar, and I've often called it my front bottom. But it's outdoors? It's outdoors, and it's got fairy lights,

but it's just lovely, the idea. Fairy lights, Wi-Fi, and music in your front bottom. Some plants. It's brilliant. I don't know, nothing says party like that. It would bring you back to front bottoms. Yes, it would. And we were in the car today,

and my neighbour said, do you want your front bottom watered? And I went, oh, you're such a delight. Thanks so much. Thanks for doing that. You said something like, of course I want a soaking wet front bottom. I said soggy. Soggy, that was it. Yes, and it was basically, there's a wee window box there too.

We've named the podcast. So that's allowed to be called. Anything in, my front bottom needs weeded. Yeah? Yeah. Well, it does happen, I mean, this time of year. You can just let the sun dry out and hope that it, like, falls off itself. Nobody wants a sun-dried front bottom needs weeded. Yeah? Yeah. Well, it does happen, I mean, this time of year. You can just let the sun dry out and hope that it, like, falls off itself.

Nobody wants a sun-dried front bottom. No. It does make it sound like it's from Marks and Spencers. Oh, my God. Why don't you try this delicious range of sun-dried front bottoms? Remember I was saying that yesterday when we did Live Floor Show years ago

and it was like the first two weeks and I'd never been on TV before, I don't think. And basically, you know, we filmed it on a Thursday and we were off on a Friday. It was so exciting. So it was like Monday, Thursday, but off on a Friday. So on a Friday, I remember being in Marks and Spencer's in Edinburgh and this woman and her daughter come up

and I think it was the first time anyone had ever recognised me and she said, oh, hi, we just wanted to say we really enjoy the show and I said oh that's really nice we're just chatting away and then her daughter sheepishly and kind of nervously got her mobile phone out and she looked like because she wanted to ask me a question and I said and so I said oh do you want to take a wee photograph and she went no I just got a text oh my god I just looked totally up myself I was mortified mate did you just get a text

just getting a photo man I do that all the time when any fucking fan introduces themselves to me whether it's in the street or whatever

the first thing I'll just say to them is do you want a photo because either it's on 90% of their minds and you've done them a favour and you've done them a favour because they don't know

how to bring it up also gets the conversation over because that's all they want they want to talk for a bit and then the photo but there are the times you go do you want a photo and they don't know how to bring it up also gets the conversation over because that's all they want they want to talk for a bit and then the photo but there are the times you go do you want a photo and they go nah

and you go it would be polite for you to say I was being polite I was being polite can we just do this that's nice I understand that you don't want it but can you not see

how I do this for other people even though you don't want a photo that it might be good for you to encourage me to do this more often so why don't you be a good cunt so I can continue being a good friend. Send this to your mum, please.

Tag me in it. All right. I often force, Lee, that, like, hobbies are parents to have photos they might not want to have because, you know, when they get a photo, like, it's always the guy taking it. Yeah.

And then they'll go to walk away and I'll get an E1 one as well, don't you? Come on, just in case they do. Ah, right, because they might not want to ask. Uh-huh. Nine times out of ten, they'll probably copy us and then they'll get a photo they don't want but for the shy ones I always

put it forward Speaking of fans I just have to apologise to Caelan, not my son Caelan the fan who came to our air quotes preview on Friday

and outside and he was like oh Daniel and I was like oh hey and he brought me a spliff and I was like that's funny because no

great immediately great he's like it's going to be shit and I'm like mate you wrote me a spliff and even when I'm at home like

in Starling you don't have to roll me joints I've got weed at home but you're a great guy thanks did the photo me him and

Gareth and then he watched me bomb and eat shit for 30 fucking minutes to an absolutely oh i mean i can't say unplayable because craig played it and did well yeah it was um it was just too bright a room really i feel like it's a sad day to die to a paid room there's so much investment in us yeah to then oh man i was It took all of my fucking willpower to not smoke that joint out of the car window

on the way home. I showed Natalie the picture of the room last night. I mean, it's the brightest room you've ever seen. I performed in there on Thursday and they've got skylights all across the city. It's an attic gig and it's so brightly lit from outside. The Tober Theatre itself, the actual theatre they have,

is a beautiful room. A really beautiful room but it's like 400 so it's not for previews and if it was dark it would have been better but I think the audience felt a bit self conscious as well

because it was so bright you could see the films oh man let me tell you on fucking Friday I took out my contact lenses for the Friday because I thought it was weird

that we could see the audience so clearly and actually I think that's why I end up having a nice gig because it was too bright well you also definitely you definitely went on

with the right fucking attitude which is what I was doing as well, which is we both saw Gareth doing his set and just this audience just give it pretty much fucking nothing. Now, it's not entirely their fault because the room wasn't set up great and it's awkward. It's hot and whatever. It was hot, yeah.

Yeah, it was very, very fucking hot. But they also, man, it just wasn't all a comedy audience. It was like I still felt that we were fucking hitting people who just go to the art centre to watch whatever's on

but then but then one or two people in amongst that that have come to see us that would rather be sat in a proper crowd rather than the crowd going in

yeah it was I watched Gareth and I was like well this is just going to be fucking hell but I'll go through it anyway

I'll do it I've made the promise I'll do the fucking gig you went on did really well for what the room was and I was like well this is just going to be fucking hell but I'll go through it anyway I'll do it I've made the promise I'll do the fucking gig you went on did really well for what the room was and I was like oh it is there

because I had no contact and I actually really I mean I met a lot of them when they came in so I thought they were quite nice but it was more the room just didn't feel right that's the worst

there were lovely people when I met them they were lovely people but the balcony view was worth the whole weekend it was I mean I I'm genuinely going to ask them that but the balcony view was worth the whole weekend it was I mean I

I'm genuinely going to ask them that's the best view in the whole of Stirling easily that's the best rooftop garden and basically

it's not a garden but it's about three feet by nine feet of brick just this edge but you go out

and then there's just the hill and the Wallace Monument behind it and the sun setting there and it's just overlooking all of Stirling. And you're like, why is this a venue? I was like, honestly, I said to them, oh, did you hear what that woman's name was?

The woman who ran the venue. What a brilliant name. She's called, her name is Christabel. Christabel. And I said, oh, that sounds. Christabel. Her name was Christabel. So it's like Christaboo.

And I said, Christabel. I said, oh, that sounds like a fairy name. And her surname is genuinely Christabel and I said Christabel I said oh that sounds like a fairy name and her surname is genuinely Christabel Wandless fuck off that is her

real name maybe we shouldn't say that on the podcast but she wouldn't mind because her name is fantastic that's a real

person's name anyway she's the person apparently I would ask Christabel Wandless Christabel Wandless

is that really your name she's like 100% would be a good drag name it's brilliant it's brilliant it would actually poor Christabel the real poor Christabel Wandless

going thanks anyway I she's the person I would contact so I I don't know if they would let me do this

I would hire that beautiful rooftop view with six stools if you just had a small do you know six people celebrating something small six stools if you just had a small you know six people celebrating something small six stools a bucket of ice and some wine in the corner and a little tj or maybe just or a boogie box which aged me the other day when i said it um that's what connor

burns said to me oh that fairly ages you that boogie box reference but anyway so we put on some music but i mean it would honestly like any one of my friends would walk in and go how did you find this place this is a beautiful view and it would just be a short party

for a couple of hours because my later agent would suggest now you hire the room but I wouldn't need the room I would only need

the balcony unless you were growing tomatoes or which you would do hugely successfully anything other than a gig yeah you could grow a gig in there

oh you cannot we've tried for three years and that's that me and our Newcastle friend with his love of vowels went to Barnard Castle which I think I asked the audience now do tell me

is it Barnard or Barnard because I think if it's posh around here it must be Barnard. Turns out it's not. Barnard. Yeah, Barnard's the same way as Leonard. It's Barnard. Do you know I said to Natalie when we were saying it, I was like, it's such a lovely village, it's such a shame that Matt Hancock fucked it by getting his hearing test here.

Natalie was like, it was an eye test. It was down in the Cummins. And then you guys, I was joking, I was trying to try and play it out like that was her Mandela effect. Yeah, it was lovely. And we, I mean, this is probably not very interesting, but I got two loaves of bread for the present one. He charmed a baker.

How did you do that? Because I just charmed her. I went in. I said to her, I can't even believe the standard of bread in Bernard Castle. And I went, he's having a barbecue tomorrow. And if you think I'm going home without sourdough, you're up a gum tree. And she said, you're so much fun. I think you should have two for one.

And she gave me two loaves for the price of one. And it was gorgeous, wasn't it? And I was moaning yesterday because I don't know how people, why do people don't moan about this cutting bread is exhausting have you ever tried to cut bread honestly see like a decent loaf of bread that's why the phrase the best thing since sliced bread existed that's where it comes from like it's the best thing since sliced bread which acknowledges the fact that not sliced bread is indeed difficult. My friends are always saying to me,

I can't believe the amount you moan about how hard bread is. It's just easy. Well, have you heard the sentence, best thing since sliced bread? That changes everything. So there's a comedian called John Whale who pointed out that there's bread slicer. You may want to fact check this, Matthew.

The bread slicer was invented the same year as penicillin and people chose the bread slicer for the catchphrase yeah oh there you go well i remember that's right i remember someone saying that um and yesterday in your house i could see why it's a problem so basically the bread moves yeah so i was like it's another thing you can stick in there hold it fucking down like like like through a fish's head while you de-scale it I want an ABH, an aggressive bread holder

just want it to stay still and so there must be something that keeps the bread still when you're cooking turkey you use that tuning fork well maybe like that, but anyway I don't think it's a tuning fork no no no it's an idiot, it's a tuna fork I usually don't check it's a tuning fork no no it's an idiot it's a tuna fork ah yeah

tuna fork no no I usually don't chicken I often do chestnut turkeys and go it's beautiful

it's like practically Barnard Matthews anyway that's been in my head all weekend Barnard Matthews so anyway

I started doing the bread yesterday and your wife actually said you're getting exhausted, aren't you? I was going, can someone take over? Someone rescue me from this hell. Bread is uncutable.

I only did half of it. And while we're on the topic of middle class gripes, everyone who works at Lurpac Spreadable needs shot in the fucking head. It was the first ever fake news. There is nothing, nothing spreadable about Lurpac Spreadable. Man, if you,

I don't know if you're not made to keep it in the fridge, which seems odd since it's butter. No, you keep it in the fridge. If you put Lurpac Spreadable in the fridge, all it does

is it removes all of the bread from the bread and you're just left with crust. It's like fucking bread Velcro, man. It doesn't spread, it doesn't get any fucking... I think you're putting it with crust. It's like fucking bread Velcro, man. It doesn't spread. It doesn't get any fucking... I think you're putting it too high up your fridge.

I have no spreadable. Not in my front bottom, but I put it in my fridge bottom. Oh, you do? Yeah, and I take it out. Hold on. Are different parts of the fridge different temperatures? I think they're higher up, yeah.

I mean, I'm no fridge expert. I'm really going to study that. But yes, no, I think the higher up, yeah. I mean, I'm no fridge expert. I'm really going to study that. But yes, no, I think higher up in the fridge is colder. So maybe that's your... But hot air rises. Yeah, well, not in a fridge. I'm making that up. Anyway, can I just finish my bread story?

Yes, sure, yes. During lockdown, when we all went mad and we suffered from what I called Amazonesia, where I would drunkenly order things and then they'd arrive and I'd go, well, who ordered that? It clearly wasn't me. But that's how I have an electric knife.

Because one day I was doing the bread and I thought, I bet you a 1972 electric knife will solve everything. And it doesn't. I did it. The bread bread I was so excited I went out to buy bread especially I thought this is going to be the easiest cut of my life and I plugged it in and it was like carpool tunnel honestly it was the worst thing ever it the whole thing was like shaking I was like supposed to be like not aggressive I was frightened it was like a horror movie because it's pretty scary.

You have to be careful with them, but it vibrates too much. And that went straight back in the box. And that's getting re-gifted. Not sent back. I'm going to re-gift it to one of my straight friends who has lower standards. Yeah. Do you know, it would be perfectly fine if you wanted to cut a bernard matthews turkey it's probably for that more it says it's for bread but honestly it was really struggling it was it was just as exhausting

as using uh i mean maybe i need to up my knife game maybe i mean your knife was quite good yesterday i thought well because I I would never think to like I've got I've got knife sharpeners and I obviously use that I don't really know what I'm doing but like

you can't use that on your bread knife though can you not? not on a serrated I don't well maybe you can no I don't know

I don't think so well sure I get that it wouldn't it wouldn't make the the higher bits and the serration any necessarily better but it certainly would get

the lower bits and that's the initial surely that would would it not I don't know I'm not being the guinea pig surely that would

would round off your little sharp edges well no because it's it's it's it's not it's I mean this one I've got it's not like a

file and you're not you're not like running it over the top you're not you're doing it at angles so you're just making those serrations get narrower I mean in in my head in theory i didn't think so what a dull conversation

yeah red chat i didn't well i didn't think we should talk about this on my podcast we should do this in the garden um yeah uh craig you have a show on at the Fringe this year, would you like to promote that? Yes by sharing the title and the title is I always knew I had it in me You've always got excellent titles Craig

Craig, always my favourite one of yours and this is before I think you and me knew each other but the one that always stood out because I didn't get it until I heard somebody say it like on the poster I just thought it was I was like oh yeah it's a cool name for a show Craig Hill makes your whole week I mad for so long I was just like well I bet he does I've seen him live he this is great and then you said Craig Hill makes your whole and I went I am a dumb man I am a dumb stupid man completely over me yeah

that W that W softened the blow Craig Hill Craig Hill's blown by a fan yeah I got that one

I mean I literally put a fan in the photograph and Craig Hill's come on the lads that was inspired by you wasn't it weirdly thanks man

thanks I appreciate that because I had this I don't know why I had a photo shoot of me in an Adidas top looking like I'm kicking a ball

but that's what it looked like and then I said to you what is an expression that you would use during football I don't know I needed something

football-y and you said come on the lads and I burst out laughing straight away and thought oh that that's a good title

but yeah so this one I always knew I had it in me but it's basically it's interesting because I don't really have a And you said, come on, the lads, and I burst out laughing straight away and thought, oh, that is a good title. But yeah, so this one, I always knew it had it in me. But it's basically, it's interesting because I don't really have a, I never really have a theme because I like to just put in the show whatever I think is funny. And also, you truly are one of the best at audience interaction. Well, I love that. Yeah, I love doing that. But actually, it's a little bit like I always knew it had it in me.

I always knew I was going to be a performer. I always knew I was probably going to be a little bit gay. So it's a little bit about I always knew I was going to be a performer. I always knew I was probably going to be a little bit gay. So it's a little bit about that. So it kind of fits. Are we on in the same venue? I think we are in a brand new venue. The brand new, just the tonic one? I don't think it's ever been used before.

No? So it's actually called Greyfriars Charteris, that church. Is it? Yes. Say that again. Well, yeah, it took me a while to learn it. Greyfriars Charteris is the name of the church that we are in. And I don't know what that word charteris means,

but it doesn't roll off the tongue. But anyway, it's on, I just describe it to people, it's just up from the Pleasance on the left-hand side and it's an old church further up the road. And the original, the Pleasance Courtyard, not the Pleasance Dome. Yes, and it's run by Just the Tonic and the actual venue is called

Just the Tonic Nucleus And what time is your show on? I think it's on at 7.15 You're on early. I'm on 5.45 yeah that makes sense because I'll be done and then we've got half an hour That's the I'm a dad now Oh no I'm just a very lazy cheaty boy this year I've done, this will be my 12th

or 13th fringe so just doing it with the bumpers up really aye I always said you know years ago Tim Vine I think didn't do it

and he paid money for a poster and he said Tim Vine I said something Tim Vine's not doing the fringe and everybody talked about it it was really interesting

I thought it was a brilliant thing to do and I always thought if I did have a fallow year and decided I'd like to take I'd like to not do it and just go and see stuff if I did do that which I can't really imagine me doing but if I did have a fallow year and decided I'd like to not do it and just go and see stuff,

if I did do that, which I can't really imagine me doing, but if I did do it, I would do that. I would have a poster and say, because I still want a double entrant, so I would have a poster that said, Craig Hill's having it off.

And that's what I would do if I ever took the year off. But I can't imagine, it's a bit daft to take the year off in a way because if you live in Edinburgh and you do stand-up comedy and it's your job why would you not

do it during the Fringe which is my thing this year I'll always do it in some thing you can't not it's the best festival in the world

and we say this I would love to go to it it's actually weird because we're in it but I would really really love to be a punter like really

I see things all the time and think God if I didn't have this thing to do I would really really love to be a punter like really I see things all the time think god if I if I didn't have this thing to do I would relish it I would go and see we got a bit of that in 2019 because we just did a short run yeah yeah well I yeah but I but it's also I I wish I wish I could go back to uh the when I was like 13 and 14 and going to the fridge before I was involved in comedy because I think now you just I think enjoying the festival the way I used to

when I was 14 is impossible now because I'm on a different side of the curtain even if I was to take the fucking year off I would just you know

well because when I watch yeah because when I there's nothing you watch it as a critic yeah like when I watch my friends shows I am always trying you watch it as a critic yeah like when I watch

my friends shows I am always trying to find punchlines for them callbacks things not trying to it's just that's what my brain does

watches comedy processes it and tries to you know help and even if I were to go and see fucking you know

shows I think the entire time I would just be thinking god I should be doing a show this year I can't believe I'm not that's interesting you get guilt

for not being there yeah yeah because it's I mean when the when the the best arts festival

is right on your fucking doorstep then I used to work in box office in the Gilded Balloon before I did stand-up yeah

yeah and I absolutely loved it I loved it because I had leather trousers and I used to stand on a stool

and write things on the chalkboard because I knew how good those leather trousers looked oh so people were advertising their shows and you were advertising to stand on a stool and write things on the chalkboard because I knew how good those leather trousers looked. Oh! See, people were advertising their shows and you were advertising yourself at the same time.

I used to sell out people's shows though because like people would come up to you, I didn't realise but people would. Just imagine walking on stage one year and you're like, why is there so many gays in my audience today? Like am I, why am I popular amongst bears? This is so weird! Why are they all collected around the radiator? Why am I popular amongst bears? This is so weird. Why are they all collected around the radiator? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I used to sell out people's shows because I didn't realise punters do come up to you in box office

and they would say, oh, hi, it's half past four. Is there any I should see? And the one show that I thought was amazing was this show by Geraldine McNulty. It was called One Woman and a Ten Women in a and a... Ten Women and a One Frock Show. And basically, she had one frock. It was a really simple idea.

And she would do ten characters and all she would do is she'd wear this red dress and then she'd suddenly put on a bevay and she'd become this French poet. And she would take her shoes off and go,

Mavanda, Mavanda, they don't understand you. The vexed, perplexed, what architect blend you? So she would take her shoes off and go, Mavanda, Mavanda, they don't understand you. The vexed, perplexed, what architect blend you? So she would be like a poet, as a joke, as a kind of character. And then she would suddenly, she would put heels on, put her hair up, and she'd put a bow on and go, Welcome to Clairvon Cosmetics. She was brilliant.

And I loved her because she was an actor. She was a comedy actor. I've got news for you. It's Milo. It's Milo. And I loved her because she was an actor. She was a comedy actor. I've got news for you. It's Milo. It's Milo. And I saw that show four times. And it was so funny that every time people come up to me, I said to punters, as a skint student,

I said, go and see Geraldine McNulty. And if you don't like the show, I will give you your money back out of my pocket. That's how sure I am you'll enjoy it. And they all come up to me and said, so glad you recommended that show and her show sold out great she bought me flowers at the end

great and I genuinely loved that show it was brilliant well there you go for anyone going to the Fringe this year don't just take our recommendations for things even though we will be recommending people

listen to Box Office and just fucking take a gamble that's the fun of the Fringe that's the you know that really for me that was

and is and should be the spirit of the Fringe was what me know that really for me that was and is and should be the spirit of the fringe was what me and my friends always tried to find was the thing you didn't think

you were going to find so we just thought don't know what it is let's take a chance and it'll be like David Couriot putting ham on his face yeah

drinking two bottles of wine on stage and yeah right Craig thank you for joining us on the podcast it's been an absolute delight

Let's do it more Yeah we should Cheers, see you later cunts Bye