Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Gail Gash

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Muggins and Cream get together to discuss their slow start to 2022, Cream prepares for his life to change as food dates go further back than his child's due date and Muggins gets rejected from the cinema because his wife is tight. Then a heartfelt eulogy results in finding out which porn star names are available.

Hello, podcast listeners. Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road, where we are very much Sloss and Humphreys, but not on the road at all. We have ground to a halt. We're very static right now. I don't think either of us have started 2022 yet. It's what, 10 days in. So I've been taking some time off with my wife and Daniel has taken some time off to prepare for a baby arriving. So this episode is just to catch up on our mundane lives it does get quite funny though and sentimental because we talk about bob saget passing away which is very very sad we do talk about that and then kind of spiral into talking about porn stars or something i guess that's what he would have wanted and we do talk about other things that's why you're here for our ramblings. If you're listening on a Wednesday

on any of the free channels, please consider signing up to Patreon. It's only three quid to support our podcast and you get to hear this two days early when the topical things are actually topical and you also get a bonus episode every Thursday. And you know what? If you sign up for a bit more,

the signed posters come to you and you get entered in competitions. Go and have a look on patreon if you're not already and if you are already thank you very much enjoy the podcast

sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles

tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? You know how you and Natalie laugh at me driving slowly? Oh yes

Did you know that Natalie had set alert alert in the car that lets us know when I'm doing over 80? How do you know that considering that's never happened? Did she just tell you? Is this just information that she's told you after six months of having the car and she's like, this was going to be a fun prank play

but considering you've never gone above 80 miles in a row, it hasn't paid off. She was driving and I was like, what's that beeping? I was driving to Newcastle, I forgot. I could have mentioned that in the last podcast because we've done one since. But when I was driving to Newcastle, because you know how that car likes to beep?

It's like, oh, you're about to crash into the car in front of you and you're like, oh, thanks for telling us that, but I can see by the car with its brakes on in front of us. It's like it just likes to beep and tell you stuff's happening. It's sometimes beefs to go on. It's foggy, so I'm not going to beep anymore because I can't see. And you're like, oh, thanks for beeping and telling us.

Beefs and going, it's your day in 80 mail. Now, Natalie just looked at me and went, oh, I forgot I said that. That's got us a couple of times on the way here And I thought you'd enjoy us telling you that I'm just shocked that you ever got up there Because we've got to drive to Cambridge Which by the way I don't know how you talked me into that

Have you seen the other alternative? Aye Right so we're going to Cambridge Just Cambridge It used to be Dublin Cambridge Cambridge it used to be Dublin right we're going to go Cambridge did not used to be Dublin

that's really inaccurate history anyone please don't listen to it he doesn't know history or geography he's made that up do you know how you've got Derry and London Derry

you've got Cambridge and Dublin Cambridge right so this is what's happening I'm chatting to Molly now right Dublin's been

rearranged again oh and by the way the Aberdeen gig was Friday like I fucking said it would be guess who was wrong I'll give you one

guess me? no Marlena I was like this feels like it's me I was like it's on the website

it's on the website it's the Thursday it's on the website it's Friday but it's on the schedule it's the Thursday which was right she was like This feels like it's me I was like It's on the website It's on the website It's the Thursday It's on the website It's Friday But it's on the schedule It's the Thursday Which was right She was like

It's the Thursday It's the Thursday I'm like Is it And I just kept Double checking with her And then eventually During one of my double checks

She double checked So it's Friday The 28th Of January For any of you Fucking Dirty jokers What a close the fuck.

It's on the tickets. If you've got the tickets, trust the tickets and ask the venue. They know more than me and my management. We're going to bring away a game for that one. We'll owe you a fucking bang out of a gig. We'll see. I'll decide on how you react as to what of my game I bring. Royal we.

So we're going to Cambridge, just Cambridge, for a gig, right? And this is how you and molly and i had it down right fly into london pick up a hire car yep drive to cambridge yep drive back to london yeah stay at an airport hotel right drop off the hire car stay at the airport hotel and fly back at like 5 a.m the next day fly back at 5 a.m the next day all right stay at the airport hotel and fly back at like 5am the next day fly back at 5am the next day

aye and I'm just saying let's just fucking split the drive man let's just get it done that's horrible that's a 9 hour that's a 9 hour drive

with charges with you not doing above 72 miles an hour I'll do I'll do in your car the cruise control does all the braking for you aye

I just think like even knowing you like you're going to have to now deal with a hire car place, you're going to have to deal with a hotel you're going to have to deal with the people to check you in at the airport, there's just so many fucking other people that you're going to have to deal with

you're going to get back way later but they're all airport people like it's literally, and I don't mean this to sound as fucking bad, like with car hire at airports you just go in and you click your fingers and they go

yeah yeah yeah it's that one fucking there with hotels you just even when we got booked into the wrong hotel by our terrible terrible terrible

travel agent who booked us into the north terminal when we're flying from the south terminal and even though the north terminal has been open in three years

but nonetheless why would you double check things when it's other people doing it at 4am? But again, we got there, we were at the wrong hotel and in those moments

I always just go, cool, we're staying at this hotel. That's what's now happening. Get us the newest rooms. That's all. Hotel staff suck, but hotel,

no sorry, airport staff suck, but hotel airport staff are normally, they get the fucking deal. They get that you're arriving late. They're not like, hey, how was your day? And you're like, none of your fucking deal. They get that you're arriving late. They're not like, hey, how was your day?

And you're like, none of your fucking business. Check me in. Anything that's small town as well where like if you turn up after midnight, they're just absolutely baffled. Yeah, it was. But your booking was for yesterday.

I know, but I'm still counting today as yesterday. You see me and say I'm booking. I can turn up at any point. Even if I turn up like an hour before check that's my room I've paid for it yeah I know you said check

it was from after fucking three but I wasn't waiting outside at 2.55 being like fuck I hope they

let me in soon I cannot wait for those pillow biscuits pillow biscuits alright you used to

get chocolates on the pillow you used to the only thing the only way you used to gauge hotels was

the biscuits it's just the fact that you put them on the pillow. You used to, the only thing, the only way you used to gauge hotels was? The biscuits. It's just the fact that you put them on the pillow in this particular hotel. The biscuits, the Wi-Fi. Is that wrong? Because they get crummy. What was the third thing? I guess so, yeah.

Free Wi-Fi. Free Wi-Fi. The biscuits. Yeah. And there was a third thing. I was like, that's a good hotel if it's got these three things. What was the third?

Fit staff. It's probably just so common now like a double bed oh no I always because it was I think it's either Travelodge or Premier Inn it'll be Travelodge because that's the worst of those two where they were like they didn't used to give free

internet and you're like it's illegal to not give someone internet in France how are we behind the times than France how's thatance you know how are we behind the times than france how's that possible you know what i am i hate when the hotel and this is a lot of hotels this is most the hotels like here's your internet or you can pay for the good stuff you're like just give us the good stuff you tight cunt i'm here it's there hi it's fucking everywhere roy kent are you enjoying ted last i've finished it you finished Kent Are you enjoying Ted Lasso?

I've finished it You've finished both seasons? Did you finish season two? I called how it was going to end Aye I'm not going to spoiler it Because people may still be watching it And if you're not watching it

You fucking should Like you legit should It's just a very warm glass of hot chocolate After a cold day With your feet up by the fire. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in the last time we spoke, but I'll mention it now. If anybody liked Schitt's Creek,

and you've got a hole in your life where Schitt's Creek used to be, and you just liked being around those characters and that vibe, you can fill that hole easily with Ted Lasso. Aye. So I'd be watching that. I fucking love it. Anyway, I've had a lovely week. Not much to report,

but, you know, because Natalie's off as well. I don't know if I've mentioned this on the podcast, but Natalie took a redundancy and she's, like, getting paid to not work for quite a while. And she applied for other jobs in the same field. I'll not talk too much about it, but, like, got the jobs on the same wage

she would have been on at her previous job and that, and she's just disinterested for one reason or another in the in the hr life and she's started like she's got to retrain in a completely different field one of our uh gary you know the last gary last gary i yeah i was you know when i was the only one getting high at the new year party i thought i'd tell you this everyone was drinking i was getting high on summer tweed and i was the only one there high. And there was another lad that had like a couple of talks

but I was blazed. And he just went, well, you'd rather be on the bottom rung of a ladder you want to be on than the top rung of a ladder you don't want to be on,

right? Which just sounds like wank. But I was just like, that's fucking real shit that, Gary. That's some fucking real shit that, Gary. You know, in a room full of people that work in the

fucking corporate sector. You're like, aye, you know what? You're right. That just feels like one of those. Did he learn that from a poster that had a kitten on it? He learned it from an open spot. That quit his job.

It's true, though. I'd fucking rather be trying to make my way in comedy than fucking, you know, being well at the sports centre. But I guarantee that's only true for half the people. I guarantee there's people out there, and I don't not agree with them, who are like, I would absolutely rather be a multimillionaire doing a job I fucking hate than, you know, writing. Even though writing's my passion,

I'm shite at writing. I can't be ass-breaking at it. I'd much rather be doing fucking gear at the stock market every Thursday afternoon. I'm miserable. My wife definitely cheats on me, but that's fine, I cheat on her.

I get paid three million a year. That hedonistic life. Aye. Oh, man, I watched that documentary about the banks. Imagine there's loads. I think it's Inside Job, I think it's called, on life. Aye. Oh man, I watched that documentary about the banks. Imagine there's loads. I think it's Insane Job, I think it's called,

on Netflix. Aye. Because we have, oh, I've got to tell you this now, we'll have Marvel Mondays and Documentary Tuesdays. Mm-hmm.

I'm going to get to that in a second. What was my point? I don't know. Oh, Natalie being off. Aye. Which gets me to that,

we've structured, we're weak, right? Because we're both off to go back to class, we're off for Christmas there, we're off all of January, and we've started deciding that we're going we've structured we're weak right because we're both off to go back to class we're off for the Christmas there we're off all the January and we've started

deciding that we're going to structure we're weak and we're going to have something on each day that signifies it as that day

she doesn't start a job until February at training at the bottom rung of that ladder I've got to put a couple of bookmarks in because there is

something else on the corporate wank thing that I saw you know a comedian posted something about how you get loads of rich people that get into the arts, like in musicals.

You get into the fringe in comedy, you get loads of people that are just sponsored by dad having big poster campaigns and we fucking hate them. There was just a fresh angle on that that I hadn't seen, which was everybody wants to be an artist when they're financially free. Like, the proof is all these rich kids that are just trying to fucking make their way in art

that we sneer upon because they didn't fucking grind and they didn't come up from the bottom. They got, like, placed in at a higher spot that we couldn't get placed in. And seeing that, like, everybody wants to be an artist until rent's due. Oh, and then it's... That was and that was one of them wanky things where I was just like uh huh, I feel that

that's it you're thinking what Gary's made do you want me to when's your birthday again? July? July the 5th that was close codependency

it's a day after independence day didn't really scan July. July the 5th. Oh, I was close. Codependence Day. It's the day after Independence Day. Got you. Got you. Didn't really scan. Well, it scanned, it didn't work. Right, back to Marvel Monday. So I was with you last Monday.

Yeah. Our first Marvel Monday. Right. And I was dead excited because I was going to see Spider-Man at the cinema. Oh, yeah, aye. Right, and I'm like, oh, you'll tell us what you think of it. And the reason you didn't hear it before I was a bit excited because I was going to see Spider-Man at the cinema. Oh, yeah, aye. And I'm like, oh, you'll tell us what you think of it. And the reason you didn't hear it before I was on Tuesday morning is because Natalie bought the tickets online. Yeah.

She's going to be hating this bit, so I'll try and tell it from her side as well. Can I just interrupt briefly? I've never got to tell the story yet because she always butts in. Right, okay. No, no, no, no, no. If you've not told the story for you, I know what it's

like to have a woman interrupt your story with facts that stop the story being funny and you're like bitch i'm not i'm telling it for the laws yes obviously i'm mugging you off in the process that's where the laws are coming from you knew this when you married a comedian of course i'm making you look fucking stupid. I'm not going to look stupid or stupid in this story. I'm telling it. I'm the hero. Pay attention. Be a victim in your story.

Jesus Christ. Right, anyway. What did that dumb cunt do? Oh, mate. This stupid bitch. Tell me. You know how she likes a discount? Oh, yes.

You have the... This is going to sound like a different type of compliment. You have the tightest wife in the world. Your wife is the reason why Scottish people have the stereotype they're tight-fisted. I've never known... And she can be like, I'll look for a bargain. No, Cara looks for a bargain.

Cara won't spend money on... Like, Natalie will... Oh, don't, Kai. We'll not book flights to Singapore yet because they might have invented a new plane company by then.

Aye, exactly. So like, she took away to Hawaii on WestJet and it took her, no lie, over three days

to get there from leaving the house to arriving in Hawaii. And you saved 50 quid. I stayed in Canada? I saved 40 quid? stayed in canada i saved 40 quid this is who my wife is like we me and my wife have got completely different ideas about what

skin is right for me skin is i'm 19 grand in debt i've been i've been harder than that i've been 30 g's down right i've been 30 G's down where I've had like a 10 grand loan which will be paid back it'll take 20 grand to pay it back let's be real two credit cards that are maxed and you're paying minimum payments and there's nothing left on the credit cards

and you're at the bottom of two overdrafts right and you're going into the bank and going can I get £7.90, please? And Matty sat there going, no. But do you want to go to the pub? I'm like, I'm going to need that, though. Can I get that?

They don't give you £7 at the cash point, so I need to get it at the desk here. I've been that level of skint, man. I know what skint is. Like, hers is like, oh, we're going to have, like, we're going to dip into the really dear funding. And like, I look at the really dear funding,

and I could live forever on that. But I couldn't, I'd get into a world of debt after six months. I need her in me life. Right? Like, she fucking, she sorted me right out.

So, I mock her, but I need her. Aye. You saw what I was before I met her. And you've seen who I am now. She's the reason why you, she's the reason why you can't afford rent as a comedian during the shitter months. She's given me financial surgery.

Aye. And she didn't donate to us. She fixed us. Aye. She helped me sort myself out. And she did help me out along the way, aye. Let's not take that away from her. It was like the 2014 fringe where I was on my bottom dollar from paying for the fringe and she took

this she took this 700 pound for spending money throughout the fringe which i paid back in like 2018 something like that right like she's anyway what did this stupid cunt do what did this dumb dumb bitch do so we get to the cinema yep we've got our tickets bought this is the world I live in we've got our tickets bought because she was in front of me with her phone

buying tickets asking what time we want to go to right figuring it all out and I'm like don't book that one I might not be back

from Gloomhaven on time let's go to the later one we're going to put Peggy to bed we're discussing the time of where we're going as she's buying the tickets on her phone this is the world I live in

right we get there we've got our tickets we get to the ticket booth and it's like scan your qr code just press some buttons just scan your qr code she gets the qr code up on her phone and goes to scan it in the ticket thing and her fucking phone doesn't fit in the ticket thing right so we have to get up to the desk stupid design ask for qr code doesn't have room for a phone another scanner right go over to the desk and she's just going oh this isn't working

on the scanner and he scans it and it fucking doesn't work and he goes oh it's for the nine o'clock it's full and I'm ready to fucking tear me out

because I'm like you mean it's fucking full it's full because we've got two of the tickets like we bought the tickets in advance and I can't

I can't give them hell because I am certain we've got tickets to this show. Natalie had bought a discount. A what? She had bought a discount. I don't understand what that means.

I didn't understand what it meant, but apparently you can buy a discount for the tickets and then you show them at the cinema and they scan it and they charge you less. So you pay, like, I don't know what it was through, I don't know if it was through some app, tickets and then you show them at the cinema and the scanner and the charger less so you like pay you pay like i don't know what it was through i don't know if it was through some app but like a groupon type thing all right so that's literally you like it's like buying somebody a 30 discount next time you so without the ticket itself she bought 30 off the next ticket she was going to buy you know what i'm not even sure if she paid for it Or if she just Booked the discount I don't

Mate She's tried to explain To us a bunch of times Which is why She keeps jumping on the story Right But the story is Nonetheless

She spent the time She could have been Booking tickets Looking for the discount Getting a discount On the tickets And she said She's like

In the cinema's defence Like Are you like I'm not going after The cinema here I nearly did I not going after the cinema here. I nearly did. I nearly went after the cinema. Mate, I was fucking raging with a guy.

And she had to push his back. And still couldn't explain to us why she was pushing his back. She was like, I didn't buy the tickets. I'm like, what the fuck are we doing? Why wait in the cinema then? And she was like, well, it's £4 cheaper and I don't have a job. And I'm like, aye, but you got given quite a bit of money there's not day out

the reason we're not doing anything is because that was the decision we both made and I'm still working aye I still do my gigs so it's not like

we're not living on beans nah and if you are it's through choice she saved £4 and I'm like and also three hours of your life because you didn't see the fucking movie we spent it on petrol so she used the discount to buy tickets for the next day all right and walked away with the tickets and she said like

because i was saying what a fucked up system that is you buy you get the discount on the off chance you're gonna have a seat or you can buy a ticket obviously by the ticket you're getting you're getting like off peak rates is what you're getting there and she's like nah it was

my fault because I could have still bought them online but I just thought it would be easier to do it at the counter it's a

fucking Monday night there's people at school in the morning it's nine o'clock it's a kids movie it's not a fucking kids movie

Spider-Man is not for children oh yeah if it's for children then how come somebody died in Endgame? Explain that with your science. Stop it, I'm crying already. So,

aye, we went on Tuesday. So, my first Marvel Monday was Documentary Tuesday, and my first Documentary Tuesday was Marvel Monday. See, I like having somebody in my life who is looking out for discounts and stuff because I am and I will hold my hand up here I'm shy I was with Kara's parents a couple weeks ago and they were

talking about haggling and I'm like I've never haggled in my fucking life and they're like for anything I'm like what do you mean I assumed haggling was something that you could only do in like some flea markets in Kazakhstan or like down in like the weird place in fucking Pamplona. But it turns out people haggle for couches and cars. Like you can, apparently the job is like, because I remember when I was buying my fucking couch, I went in with Big Ali

and they quoted the price of the couch and I was like, cool, done. And he's like, you've got to haggle. I'm like, man, I would pay a grand not to haggle,

not to have a conversation with that man any longer than I need to fucking have a conversation with that man. If that's the price, that's the fucking price. Same thing with the fucking Tesla. I'm like, whatever gets this conversation over as quickly as fucking possible is how much I'll pay. And it's now gotten to the point now where... You're affluent, though. Aye, aye, but if I want to remain affluent i need somebody like cara in my life so now whenever i have tradies around at the house right whenever we're getting stuff done i have to get cara down

to join because i'll just say yes to everything and whenever tradies turn up in my house or whenever a fucking car salesman sees me right they think i don't see this but i do see this one of them will get out like a conch just just like a conch, and then just blow it to let all the other tradies know that a giant, stupid, rich mammoth has walked into the store. And I'm just there being like, oh, is this the price of everything?

Like, it sure is, buddy. And we've got a special deal on today that everything's double the price. And I'm like, well, that seems reasonable. I guess I came in on a double price Tuesday. You're basically Newcastle United in the transfer window oh man Jesus man they fucking love me they they all walk out with a different bit of my fucking scalp we went Cara's buying a new car because she's but she's about to become a mother and so she needs a new car for that and I mean

I'm not trading in the Tesla right the car seeks fits in it we've double checked it's a safe car we went in to get a car. But Cara's going to have to get in the boot. A boot for the boot. We get to the car shop place and the guy the entire time is just trying to talk to me. He's like, what are you after?

I'm like, no idea. It's her car. And he's like, okay. So he sort of gives her a tour around the car. In a sexist way he knows that she's going to get the discount

and you're going to accept anything no I don't know and let's not sell this man down the river but almost definitely the fucking sexist reason

because he just kept going over he was like okay now that she's seen it like what but I'm like man I don't know

she helped me buy my car like Cara will regularly tell me because I bought it on finance i have no idea what that means i have no idea what that means but cara was there when i bought my car yeah because when i talk to you because like you don't know if you've got lease or higher purchase or finance you've got no idea how you've got your car no idea couldn't tell you

how about my house and like you thought you had a certain amount of mileage and then it turns out you don't and you're like i'm like how can you not have your finger on the pulse at all with this you did your house as well you didn't buy a house did you you don't know how to get a mortgage or anything

no idea clueless see Natalie did it with the house we've just got because she's just better at that sort of stuff and again

the haggling like the the dealing with people so good yeah I've dealt with a mortgage before and absolutely had my pants pulled down

Cara can deal with salesmen and tradies and I can dealt with a mortgage before and absolutely had my pants pulled down. Cara can deal with salesmen and tradies and I can deal with spiders. So in a relationship, we complete each other. And that's fair. I think that's fair. The spider thing's so fucked up with them. I was in the loft because when the snow on the roof,

the snow melt, it comes through the window in the loft loft it's like a skylight and i've got a little bucket under there and it was just you know when you discover things about your house after you buy it all right and you know you just shake your fist at the previous homeowner as if they're some sort of angry deity yeah for me not that big a deal deal because how often it's a problem. And you just want to go, just these are solid and pointed out. I don't want my fucking bedroom ceiling to be wet, and that's how I find out, right? So you like that.

So we found this. It's probably an easy problem to fix. Like, you probably just need some ceiling on or some shit. But for me, it's easier to just put a fucking bucket there. If we have a snow, pop my heat in, see's any water in sure enough there's a boot fucking a thumb of water and like a thumbnail of water and the thing but this is one of the biggest spiders i've ever fucking seen in my life like an actual i don't know if it was just because it was bloated with the water it was dead but it was like had tarantula legs you know normally in this country if a spider has long legs it's got the tiny little body tiny little body and its legs are spindly.

So it's got the span of a child's hand. But it's like, there's not much to it. This had meat. It had meat and it was big and it might have just been because it was bloated up. And I was passing it down to Natalie and I was like, oh, by the way, it's got a spider in it. She nearly wasn't going to get the bucket offers

because it had a spider in that was long dead. Aye. Right? And when she did get it, she couldn't look at it and she couldn't pour it out. It's dead. Aye.

It's not going to do anything. Right? And I'm like, well, I'm going to have to come do the loft and it's no big deal. Aye. Right?

I'll do it. It's no big deal. I'm going to have to come do the loft, pour it down, get back up the loft. Also, you know we were about to see Spider-Man, right?

Like, you understand. We were just about to watch like two and a half hours where this features fucking heavily. Is that why you bought pretend tickets and we're no longer fucking, oh, I bought the wrong tickets, I guess we can't go. Is there any chance we can go see

I don't know, like, Ratman or She stood on her chair the whole time. That's isn't it all right well all right um so uh yeah i had to get doing the loft to because she wouldn't look at it or flush it see i and then i heard i like complaining to someone that i flushed it down the toilet and what if it comes back up i'm like what if it comes back up what's it gonna be all right well also also if it comes back up. I'm gonna hike. What if it comes back up? What's it gonna be? Well also, if it comes back up, like, well, we have a serious problem. That is one of the strongest spiders in the world. It can swim despite the fact that it's got very thin, thin legs. And I know they're chunky, but it's got no, like, wide bit to cross propulsion. So it's got the stickiest legs in the world that it's able to climb up against the fucking

flow. Hold its breath. propulsion so it's got the stickiest legs in the world that it's able to climb up against the fucking flow all right it's breath no terrifying terrifying that means it can live in your mouth for however knows how long um kind of scared of small but now don't get me wrong i fucking hate spiders right if if i could if i could fucking thanos click my fingers and get rid of every bug on this planet i'd be happy to see what happened to the ecosystem. To just crush the ecosystem. No problem. We'll work it out. We've been to the moon, right? We will.

Back to the collapse. Yeah, a couple of billion people will die, but after that, we'll work it out. Just have one good holiday where I'm not being bitten. Aye. They're just gross. Bugs are gross. What ruins outside bugs?

Oh, can I go pick up that pile of dirt no there's probably a fucking centipede in it and they walk all weird it holds me back I love picking up muck all the time

now I can't I can't live in the free world that I want to fucking live in I think spiders are fucking gross I get it right but I'm also it's like my fear of heights where I go

I've got this illogical fear and I'm going to try and just be logical around about it like I'll never go towards a cliff edge because there's logic there I don't trust anyone else

in the world and also I don't need wind I'm not do you respect heights is that what you're telling us yeah like

because I don't if that's the case I am scared of fire ah yeah but I'm but I'm not no no but like I have a respect for

for fire because yeah I I will I'll not let my fear of heights get in the way of things like I'll

I'll go on roller coasters I've been at the top of the Eiffel Tower several times I'll if I was at the Burj Khalifa if I was ever in that fucking shithole country I would

go to the top of it what's the Burj Khalifa, if I was ever in that fucking shithole country, I would go to the top of it. What's the Burj Khalifa? The fucking tallest building in... Oh, the Burj Khalifa. Aye. Burj. Burj. Remember when I used to say that for, like,

no, you didn't. Did you Burj? Oh, aye. That weird fucking only from your street thing. Not even my street. I heard, like, one guy saying it when I was younger. I took it in adult life did you boosh

so I've I will respect yeah but you also saw me at the fucking hotel in Austin which was

those horrible that fucking horrible type of hotel where it's like either a triangle or a square but all the balconies are just looking down

into the fucking lobby oh yeah yeah the internal balconies yeah and it's like it a triangle or a square, but all the balconies are just looking down into the fucking lobby. Yeah, the internal balconies. Yeah. And it's like, it's just hollowed out all the way to the top, and it's fucking massive. Yeah, yeah. So the whole time,

Kara's looking over the edge, and I'm like walking to the next wall. I'm like, I don't need to see that. I don't enjoy the view. The view doesn't make me fucking look good. It gives me the fucking heebie-jeebies the most. I had a fucking windowed elevator where you could,

and I was like, I'll just face the door. I'm logical about it. Same with spiders. I'll be, they're gross, right? I'm not going to pick them up. If I can take them outside safely, I'll do that. But also, it's a fucking spider. If it has to die, it dies,

and I'm not going to feel fucking bad about it. But she gets freaked out by ones that are like this big, like literally the size of your fucking thumbnail. Like she'll send pictures of, she's like, we can't go into the, we can't go into the baby's room today. And I'm like,

why not? And she'll take a photo. And if you zoom in from a photo that is taken like a meter away, if you zoom in three times, you can see the tiniest little spider. I'm like, I can't. How's that different from a tick?

Aye. Tick would be worse. I feel like a tick's actually got to do something. Is it those ones that dig into your skin blood suckers like fucking kill all bugs man what are they there for

to feed birds right and what do they do tweet in the morning get rid of them kill bugs let's get rid of all of them

fuck the climate yeah like bugs and journalists and people from Adelaide yeah yeah oh well you're just like I just want to live on a burnt planet and journalists and people from Adelaide. Yeah, yeah.

You're just like, I just want to live on a burnt planet. Send me to Mars on my own. I'll be grand. Have I got Wi-Fi? Yeah. The world is going to end, probably not within our lifetime, but shortly afterwards. We're not doing enough to prove... Well, global warming was over 10 years ago.

Like, we can't stop it it's well and truly past the only thing we can hope for is that scientists are able to do something that actually counteracts what we've done but this idea that we can prevent or stop what's happening is a myth and an illusion and we went past the point of no return roughly 10 years ago and i don't think as a species we're going to do anything to actually prevent these things so in the remaining few years i think why not just make them fun and get rid of all the stuff that sucks and that includes 98% of journalists and 100% of bugs like we might as well write about all the books who gives a shit who gives a shit they'll probably say oh right on the left wing

media they'll print that the right wing did it the left-wing media, they'll print that the right-wing did it, and on the right-wing media, they'll print that the left-wing did it, and they'll do that so they can get their little fucking advertisement clicks while they sell out their own fucking profession. And if we just ignore that, in the last 20 years we have on this planet,

we can't read any news, and we'll just be happy. We won't even be in need for newspapers because, one, you're not interested in the news, and, second, you don't need it to swat away flies. Why? Because they're all dead

easy fucking peasy I do it with my iPad these days my modern man I just

swat away flies we'll have cocktail Fridays which hang on so we'll

do brunch on Wednesdays park Thursdays and cocktail Fridays we start at 5 o'clock with the cocktails and we're dressed up for it

we're dressed up smart as if we're going out it's mad that you guys will do this but not buy each other Christmas presents like what's your fucking point what's your fucking point

Daniel I'm going to take you back to the start of the podcast Natalie is tight as fuck. She just wants to spend money on us. You know what she told me that day? We're driving along and she just out of nowhere went, I've got to think about your 40th in a year and a half. I was like, oh my God.

Do you want a divorce? She was like, do you miss smoking at all? Do you want a divorce She was like Do you miss smoking at all Do you want to get back into it Do you want to start smoking again I don't know Like a pack a day Two pack a day Make yourself happy

And em I got I got high again Because I've still got weed I got high on cocktail Friday And

I love I love me dog anyway But I just love Looking at me dog When I'm high I love, I love me dog anyway, but I just love looking at me dog when I'm high. I don't look at her like she's a dog anymore, right?

I'm not going there. I don't look at her like she's a person. I look at her like she's some fucking extraterrestrial that's just in this strange world

and she's just adaptant of it. Just like, sure. Man, what a weird extraterrestrial. Like,

what kind of alien race do you think was like, shall we send our best man? No! Shall we send someone that's going to report back? Let's send our youngest, youngest, dumbest cunt. Oh, man, but that's...

You know what? If a fucking child human ended up on a fucking alien planet... We're getting into Superman territory. We're getting into Superman territory. We're getting into Superman territory. Do not compare your gay dog to Superman. This is like when Elliot got high and invented Planet of the Apes in front of us. He'd done it in his set, but it was fucking me that called the mood on it. He just was like, oh, he's talking about animals evolving at different rates

and then them taking over and that. And I was like, you mean Planet of the Apes? He was like, oh, I you mean Planet of the Apes? She was like, oh, I just invented Planet of the Apes. She's just a weird looking thing, man,

especially when you're high. Because, you know, I always joke that she looks like a teddy that's been brought alive. She looks like a teddy, but like, you know, a knockoff teddy

that's not even like a brand. Like, it's not, like, it's just hashed together, teddy. Like, she's got so much fur on her face now and she's's not even, like, a brand. Like, it's just hashed together, teddy. Like, she's got so much fur on her face now, and she's got this little, like, black slit of a mouth that looks like it could be smiling, but it's mainly straight.

She's just, like, looking around, and I'm like, I'm high as fuck, and I'm looking at her, and I'm like, can anybody else see this? Can anybody else see this? Natalie, can he see this? She else see this is this just natalie can he see this she makes us laugh a lot i feel like uh that episode of rick and morty where they've just got that little you know the mr poopy pants slips with them how he got there he's saying i've got that living in me He's like I need to live here now do you It's just a lot of fun

We Are now at the stage Where There's food In the house That has an eat by date That is After

The date of our alleged son Is born Cara was like That's a harsh reality after the date of her alleged son is born. Cara was like... That's a harsh reality, that. Man, that burns me when I'm doing the fringe, when I'm writing a fringe show and the milk says 3rd of August. Aye.

Fuck knows what that's like. It's not the milk. Oh, this month's going to be tough. It's not the milk. It's not the milk,'s not the milk This month's gonna be tough It's not the milk It's not the milk But it's like It's bread It's biscuits It's

Not like tinned food Obviously that was true A year ago But It's perishable food Aye Aye Like I think

I'm pretty sure there's milk That goes out of date Or it's just that goes out of date After It might be a juice But yeah There'll be like, fucking hell, like refrigerator items.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, are you, how are you enjoying this? Is she on maternity now? How does that work? No, no.

She's working from home and that, is she just? Aye. I think she goes, she takes maternity, like she's cutting it fine. Like she is trusting that this baby is due the day it's fucking due. She's like, it's due 14th.

I'll fucking take, it's due 15th, sorry. Natalie's convinced that you're in for a real shock. I mean, I'm not. No, because she's like, because he doesn't think he's in for a shock. Unlike everyone else that we know, I was raised fully around children from the age of nine up. I know, mate. But you are also being raised also.

I feel like you've got to have a bit more respect for it than that. I do. You've got to be like, I've seen it. It's like a doctor. Is it South Park or somewhere? Is there a doctor here? He's like, I've seen it, don't I? It's like a doctor. Is it South Park or somewhere? Is there a doctor here? And he's like, I've seen Quincy. At no point have I said it's going to be easy.

Like, I'm very aware of how difficult being a parent is. It's just way easier than 75% of other cunts make it look. Oh, yeah. My view of it's always been like, I've seen people capable of me to do it right but i i feel like what's going to be a shock for you is you love being in control you like having control of stuff yeah but you don't have control with kids uh-huh you're gonna you're not gonna get what you want you're not having what you want yes i hate not having what i want with adults right i am able to differentiate between life with adults and life I'm not going to be fucking

sitting with people like but it's 9pm I should go to bed this is bedtime I'm not retarded like I'm very aware of what it's like

to man we're not rooting for you to be in for a shock I changed I hope he's like I hope he's aware yeah

man I've man I had to put my brothers to bed. I've changed fucking nappies. I had a disabled fucking sister until I was seven years old. I'm very aware of what it's like to be there. But that means your mum and dad are good at it.

Uh-huh. But you think I wasn't involved in the process? You think I was fucking swanning around in a little bathrobe being like, and now it's time for me to be served? You were. They also had a nine-year-old. Imagine how hard that is. They had needs.

And then when they had Matthew and Jack jack i was fucking 10 and 12 and all through their bits i was man i had to babysit constantly my parents were going out and living their lives again i'm not saying it's easy i i've never once claimed it was fucking easy you've just been on the cold face like not as the main person but i've been you've seen it in action i was like i like i would not because i i'm not considering having children main person but i've been you've seen it in action i was like i like i would not because i i'm not considering having children just new but i would never look at like oh yeah i used to look after my little sister i'd never look at that as like uh babies are fucking easy as long as you know what you're doing but it's difficult they're easy in senses

in the sense that there's only four things you can really do with babies right you feed them you burp them you change their nappy you try and get them to go to sleep right if none of those things stop them crying you do all four again and then again and then again and if it's three or four times that's when you go right it could be colic it could be all these other things that's when i'll take it to a doctor but babies need four things sleep food burped and changed that's the first month of their life those are the only four things you have to fucking do because they've got nothing else in their brains apart from that then after that they start becoming little people and you're like, okay, well now I've got to, cause I mean, there's been

a bit of... Just keep the bumpers up for them. Just keep them... You've just got to, they're going to be all over the place. I'm just going to try and steer them. You don't even have to fucking baby proof your house for the first three months because the baby, unless you're putting your baby right beside a fucking plug socket going, I dare you, I fucking dare you.

It's not moving anywhere. The difficult things are going to be sleep, which is fine. I mean, it's not fine. It'll be shite. But, like, that's the job. That's the deal you make with the devil when you decide to have a kid. You go, for at least the first year, I'm not going to have good levels of sleep. We've also got parents around the corner.

We've got her parents up there. I think, yeah, that'll be good. They'll move down, bro. No, no, but they'll come down if you'd make a single request. Yeah, like, how you're chatting about, like, aligning your own expectations and stuff. Like, just to make sure that you're working as a team and you're on the same stuff.

Well, the whole thing is, as against the baby. That would be such a stress if, like, you were clashing away apart. Like, you and Cara definitely won't, because they've got correct lines of communication. But, you know, relationships that are a little bit toxic anyway and the one-upmanship within the relationship, if you had that with a child,

that would be fucking really stressful. Well, but also, like, I want want to do when the baby's born, I want to do 75% of the work. I don't want it to be a 50, 50% split at the start because you feel like you're in debt. Yes, man. There's nothing,

nothing I can do at the moment to help. Like you're, when your missus is fucking in the third, I mean, look, all the pregnancy sucks, but like in the man the third trimester but oh it's just she can't fucking sleep she's up every one hour or two hours pissing right her sleep is fucked she her diet changes day to day sometimes she's hungry sometimes she's not sometimes she's sick her back is in fucking agony

she can't get fucking comfortable and you're just sat there like, do you want a massage? She's like, no, thank you. And I'm like, then I'm out. The one thing I'm able to do during this time is give you a back rub. Can I run you a bath? You don't want a bath? Do you ever ask if she wants space?

Do you want me to fuck off? No, no, but I should. That was like the second trimester when she was like please stop asking because i was like right sorry is that what's now annoying it's just me going i need to help i need to help i need to help and not yeah coming on the podcast was cathartic for her with that yes i she's just like please shut the fuck up and understand man i don't mind being there and she can quote me on this and i don't mind being the one that changes the first 100 nappies.

Because, like, again, I've changed nappies before. It's gross and it's shite, but that's what it is. Yeah, I wouldn't be asked about the changing nappies thing. It's the same as, like, I'm not asked about fucking picking up shit with a dog. No, I would, I'll definitely, like, thank God babies don't understand any shit, because if my baby understood like social things i would give it such a complex about shitting within the first three months because i'm gonna retch like it's

bad shit stinks yeah spew on your baby just wipe that up as well and just hose it down after you know when you're like when you and Cara don't you spew I'll spew you're like that but with shitting

don't you shit I'll shit I'll just shut your pants even Colin just watching

the NFL that's the bit like I will man I hate bad fucking smells

and also I still definitely have this thing and it's such a childish thing

that I think you get over dead quickly when you're a parent but because again when I was raising my brothers

I wasn't a parent I did occasional little bits and pieces man I still have such a childish thing if poo touches you all of you is poo oh yeah

that's in my head if poo touches you you're made of poo you're made of poo you stink of poo you need a full shower and then you need to bleach the shower

it's a contagion it's so fucking nerve-aging You're made of poo, you stink of poo. You need a full shower, and then you need to bleach the shower. It's a contagion. It's like fucking that nerve agent from the South Sea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm pretty sure that's a parent. Because Ali, again, another reason why I'm confident enough of... Novotroc, that's what I was looking for. What? Novotroc was the nerve agent.

Oh, right, okay. One of my best friends Ali I've said this before His daughter is Oh god it must be six or Five or six weeks now Five weeks I think His baby is going to be three months older

Than ours So I'm just constantly around at his Being like right just let me hold her for a bit Let me get used to like This this is my practice, baby. You got to learn how to hold it with one hand, switch with one hand. You got to make sure that you know how to fucking burp it properly. So I'm like, get all that stuff in. I still didn't touch her poo.

Like he was like, do you want to change your nappy? And I was like, no, because there are nappies. Nice try, motherfucker. But there's nappies in abundance in my life very soon as much as i'm like oh you know it'd be nice to i'm not i like i'm not getting i'm not getting previews in for nappy yeah all right it's this like with other people like it as well like is if you want to feed my kid i'll let you feed my kid the cleaning up spew and cleaning up shit is objectively just the parent's job.

I'm not going to be one of those ones that's like, can you do me a favour? Can you change the nappy? Motherfucker, that's not my baby. I'll cuddle your baby. I'll try and rock your baby to sleep. I'll feed your baby. I'll entertain your baby.

I'm not burping your baby and I'm not changing your baby's nappy. That's unreasonable. I wonder if I ended like in custody of the baby while you did something, you had to do something right. But I wouldn't even do a preview and not be changed then.

I'd be like, next time you need to change the nappy, show us. And then I'll do it for realsies when I need to. But let us like see what you do. It's dead easy. You take the nappy off, and then you go... What?

I thought you just layered them on. Like, you know, some people paint over the wallpaper. You wrap them up like a parcel. But, like, this baby fucking reeks of shit. Well, he must have touched his poo, because now he's become poo. You know the rules. You use these three fingers, and you grab one of their legs,

and you grab the other legs, and you just fucking yeet eat them back so you pick them up like a six-pack aye and you lift that little pack off the ground a little bit right and then you get you have to get cotton wool bod you can't use wet wipes no wet wipes not until they're about three months old so baby wipes nope are not for babies no no they're for like they're for like they're not for newborn babies only thing you're allowed to use on newborn babies is like cotton wool pads and you dip them in like warm water and then you just

fucking my mother used to use baby wipes when I'm married bullshit this I've turned out okay look at my eyes also baby wipes

are definitely for adults that was always One of my traits of mind Whenever I was You know Whenever you go to your friend's house And they've got a toddler That's potty training

And they've just got the wet wipes Beside the thing And you're like Oh I'm going to have a particularly Clean bum hole today This is class And there's baby oil

By the bed You're like Alright I try and for children We've got the We've got the PPTPs Oh yeah You've got the we've got the PPTPs oh yeah

you've got the little fucking wigwams that you put on you've just got to snap your baby's cock out you've got to put that over there you wipe you out

you wipe and then you put it on and then about 35 minutes later they'll shit that one and you've got to do it all over again and it's how often do they go in

oh I'm going to they get fed pretty much every two to four hours and they'll shit at least once after each one of those and then they'll also just piss on a whim and also whenever you are changing their nappies they'll also just

piss and shit then. That's what I've noticed with Alex one, it's like he's like, whenever he's changing the baby he's like, don't stand there stand over to the sides because there's just something about the fresh air hits their little tushy. And they're like, oh. The projectile. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll shit and piss in the wind. Look, it's going to be very fucking difficult. It's going to be really, really, really hard. But you know what? I think you're going to enjoy the project side of it. You're going to be like, this is what I've committed to. This is what I'm doing.

Also, I've got a much easier, easier start to fatherhood than most other parents. Like, I get all of the time off for this. Yeah, you're blessed with dual grandparents, both sides. Yes. You're blessed with financial,

not just stability, but access. Yes, yeah, yeah. So, and that leads to, can take all the time off and be as, you know, on point as I want to be Which is very on point Since I've wanted to be a dad

Since I was very young You're blessed with having An in-house Childminder Yes One that Again See

Cullen's one of the ones I was saying this to Cara I'm like I'm not going to make Cullen Clean up the No but you'll be like Keep an eye on her While I pop for a shit

Aye It means that you've got Eyes on the baby yeah yeah just make sure it doesn't fall off of that thing just like yeah just put your just pin it down just put it down if it's on its front just push its back down and just make sure it doesn't go it's just struggling they sweat on now he's used up all his strength he's cussing he's about to tap if if if Colin's not there

what we'll do is we'll just get those like little five kilo weights from the pellet on and I'll just put it over the baby's wrists just make sure it stays in one place

if you get a really strong fridge magnet you can just stick at least one hand to the fridge just by the back baby grow fridge magnet

yeah yeah look some people will hang one of those bouncy things from inside doorways but I think just strong-ass magnet, back of the head, back of the head, back of the hood, onto a fridge.

What a great fucking time. Yeah, we're going. Bish, bash, bosh. Colin's your uncle. And then our tactic is to just get... Since we're at, like, maybe not for you, but with us and, like, our our friendship group like where some of the earlier dominoes to go uh-huh like i feel like yeah not me blithe mates no you're like last

to go i'm last out of them out of comics you've had like a couple that like jumped the gun my low my loan mark got off the blocks like yeah didn't they were like dominoes are tip but like didn't knock any other dominoes aye they were like but but they were like whoa whoa

hey none of us are ready for this game we're just gonna we're just using our baby as incentive incentive for other people

who have babies just so everyone else so we're not missing out on the other life that everyone else has got so we can be like oh good we're all entering

in this together. Thankfully, Brett and Mari are already there. Great. Maxwell Soraya already there. Like, we've got... We're definitely pressuring Gareth. And objectively. And it's good because his missus is very, very clucky.

Very clucky. Clucky. Clucky. It's like... Is the clucky mean, like, they're roosting? No, ready to have kids. Clucky? Clucky. It's like, like, like, Is the clucky mean like, they're roosting? Aye, ready to have a, ready to have kids,

like. Clucking for a fucking? Clucking for a, that's what it comes from, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it?

No. Natalie, you were putting pressure on us and we ended up with a class dog, so thanks for that. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We didn't even, that was Natalie's instant reaction to Cara.

Natalie's reaction to Cara being pregnant was my favourite because it was the most real one that we had. Most people were just like, oh my God, congratulations. And Natalie was like, what? Are you okay? Really?

Are we keeping it? What's the ha? You? Now? Why? Now? Why? She reacted like you pranged your car. She gave you the, like, you've just drenched your car, and you're like, was it your fault?

Yeah. Have you got insurance for this? Are you covered? Yeah, would you get some kind of compensation? Like, how are you going to, why are you telling us if you just intend on killing it? Like, couldn't you have just, is there anything we can do? Oh, no, can we get a dog?

All right, just, is there anything we can do? Can we get a dog? Just one hand there. The sleep is going to be shite. I want to ask you about that, about not just the sleep, but your own personal entertainment, right? Like, have you had this purge at the moment where you're like, I need to get computer games out of my system.

I need to like play a different, like, because you've got all these hobbies that you like to do yeah are you are you just realizing that they're going to get stripped right back to make room in your life yeah like yeah like i i'm aware that well man to be honest my hobbies are playing xbox which again i really only play fucking fifa with c, and then I'll occasionally play Halo Online with friends. So that'll come back, that'll go back, or all of those games will have to be in like 45 minute increments just while the kids are sleeping. I'm like, Cullen,

quick, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was actually thinking about you because with Natalie being off work, we've made just loads of plans together because this is a very unique situation where both of us are off, and despite Natalie's actions, we're not broke, right? So we're both of us are off yeah and despite natalie's actions we're not broke yeah right so we're both off together the world's open it's like it's not the covid restrictions that it was a while back even though natalie worked all the

way through that more than most um we're off together right so we've made all these plans together and i'm addicted to a computer game with them and you know it's like when you're fucking hooked on something you need to get back to it like it's almost like there's this invisible fucking bungee cord on your back pulling you to the fucking couch

so you can have another run at this game right it's the game's Hades I talked about it last week and I keep like I get up in the morning with in mind I want to get on that game

and then we'll have breakfast we'll walk the dog we'll get in and we're like should we watch a Ted Lasso we'll watch some Ted Lasso and then you go,

should we get another one? And I'm looking at my watch, I'm going, it's like one o'clock now and I haven't played my computer game that I want to play yet. And they were like,

should we have lunch? And we'll have lunch and then it gets to a point where Natalie will end up going to their workout or something and I'll just go and play on Hades

because I don't want to go, by the way, and now we've got all these plans and we're off together but I'm just going to ignore you and play on my computer game the whole time. Right, right i don't we don't have that problem at all well she works yeah so kind of works from home i used to just go on one that he was at work

aye so so during the day i'm used to playing well because god is busy so so i'll just be playing my computer games uh or reading the moment i'm rereading because this is the type of fucking person i am i'm rereading the type of fucking person I am I'm re-reading The Wheel of Time in a dirty protest for how fucking shite the show is and also because I read it when I read it the first time I was just so desperate to get through it like I was just so desperate to find out what happened

now re-reading it is way more enjoyable you're picking up more stuff you're watching the character development a bit more so and man, Kara can't do anything at the moment like we went swimming the other day just because that's good for her and we went on a walk yesterday because that's good for her but cara's not able to do much stuff so most of what we're doing during the day is just sitting on the couch i'm reading she's watching grey's anatomy and then occasionally

i'll pop off to the other room to go play fifa for a bit or i'll go to the shops to pick up stuff or i'll start making dinner so we're all we are already boring cunts like we're boring enough to be new parents and nobody is duller than new parents they're the dullest dullest cunts in the world that's why we've got to swap you out the podcast for a month just just an entire podcast of me showing pictures of my child be like we've got to swap you out with the podcast for a month. I don't want to lose all my followers. I know. Just an entire podcast of me showing pictures of my child.

And it looks like he's smiling there, but he's not smiling. He's actually doing a poo. Anyway, I've got loads of these. Hold on. Hold on. It's coming up.

Hold on. Hold on. That's him with the cat. Hold on. Hold on. I must have lost it. We're already prepared to be boring enough

and man again babies as long as when they're awake and they're happy and by happy

I mean just not fucking crying you sort of pay attention you do everything you can to get into sleep and then aye I'll just have audio books capture their moments

but that may be when you want to sleep because I maybe I do feel like but I'm the king of napping man I can fall asleep yeah you can

I can fall asleep fucking anywhere for any length of period so you know but it's mainly going to be I mean I don't know it's going to be

cleaning up stuff because I think like when the baby's asleep that's when she needs to be asleep because she has to be awake when the baby's awake because she's the one that can feed it

and that's only if the baby's breastfed if it's not breastfed for any of the number of reasons that you might not be able to breastfeed, then it might be easier to put her to bed because I'll be able to do bottle shifts and whatnot. But then also the other thing as well is there's just so many

unknowns at this point. Like we just, we have no idea how good the birth's going to be. We have no idea how long the recovery's going to be. Like it could be, man you could she could go into labour, like we could walk out you couldn't she could go into labour like we could walk out right now and her water could have broken and we could go to the hospital and she could give birth

in under three hours and if everything was healthy I could in theory be back at the house tonight with a baby that is absolutely a possibility the other possibility is the baby's like a week late like on the 23rd of February and at that point

they're like we have to cut this thing out of her they cut it out of her then we have to stay in the hospital for an extra bit whilst she recovers

and then when we come home the recovery's way different because she had her fucking insides ripped out like I always I don't know if I've said this before on the pod

but I always feel like they turn the women out of the hospital far too soon far too soon. Far too soon. Like, if that had happened to your body under any other circumstances than having a child,

they'd keep you in there and monitor you for fucking weeks. Man, something's just been pulled out of your insides through your flesh. Man, you have to set a fucking driving test before they let you drive away in a car. Whereas you just give birth

and they're like go be a parent don't raise a murderer or a racist or a cunt and you're like with what training they're like did you watch the three videos we sent you and you're like what percentage could get this wrong and you're like most of them look at people yeah yeah how many people how many people How many people do you hate? Most of them. Right. Now, it took two worse people to make that fucking cunt. 75% of humanity, 75% of parents have failed at being fucking parents.

So good luck. Welcome to the lottery. And also, by the way, even with your best efforts, even with your best efforts, you still might just have a cunt. Some of those just exist you could be the greatest parents

in the world and you could still be a little fucking shitebag because of chemicals or whatever fucking teacher they get or whatever friends

they fucking hang out with just some early experience that you that you had nothing to do with maybe you were two maybe you were two there maybe you were two

on the ball with the baby all the time and then when they were kids you were always there for them. And then they just didn't get any fucking independence. Now they think when they cry that that's the centre of the fucking universe and that everything should stop. You taught them empathy, but now you've actually made them too empathetic. Now they don't have the ability to tell people that are being bad to them

not to be fucking bad to them. They don't have any self-respect. You failed. Also, here's one for you that's going to blow your mind. You see some bad parents accidentally get it right. Yeah, oh God. And what's worse is they think. They think that was their fault.

Right? Some parents do such a shitty job that these kids go, I'm never going to be like my parents. And because of that, turn out to be sound. And those parents are like, I raised a good kid. Yeah, motherfucker.

You were the fucking example that millionaire rapper who had an axe to grind Eminem aye look where you went yeah

aye I'm sure other rappers have bad parents they live at home with both parents your real name is Clarence it's 8 mile

oh ok he's battle rapping against somebody who has a good upbringing. When he's good against Falcon. Who I funded, he's just a fucking straight up misogynist. Doesn't even try and sugarcoat it. Like, is a women belong in the kitchen kind of guy.

Yeah. He was on some American TV show where he was just like, baby, you've got to make me a sandwich. And I was like, man, that is a bold attitude to have. But then again, there's enough Americans that you can say anything anywhere and at least 4% of them will agree with you. You know what? I've got a strong theory that the 40-hour work week is for one working person

and the other person is to support the working person. If one person is working for 40 hours, they should get paid enough to make rent, pay for the holders, feed the kids. And the other person should be fucking doing all the household chores and getting the kids to school. It doesn't necessarily have to be gender specific. It just means that you have to split. And one person goes and grafts all the time.

And then that means when they're back, they're not cooking and cleaning and stuff. But for some reason, society has accepted that two people work for 40 hours. and one person goes and grafts all the time and then that means when they're back, they're not cooking and cleaning and stuff. But for some reason, society has accepted that two people work for 40 hours. Aye. And then that is just enough to pay for the bills. That should mean that you've got enough to pay the bills and then enough to pay the bills again if two people are working.

And then you're just fucking knackered because no one's there to keep the house. So I think that model that 40 hour work week model is built for one person at home like being a caddy being a life caddy for that person But that person isn't necessarily

the broad The mistake is it's just being flung at women Aye And that's where it fucked up Just have a little ponder on that one. Oh, well. But that's what fucking Falcon reckons he's last should do anyway. Just because she's a woman, not for the societal implications.

Well, I think it's just like I'm earning such a big bit of cash at the moment, like your job is to do that automatically. You're like, man, there's other ways to pitch that to me. That's what I'm looking for in a partner of cash at the moment like your job is to do that automatically you're like man there's other ways to pitch that's what I'm looking for in a partner you're like read the room though but also also by the way just so you know that when you're in when you're in a toxic relationship and you don't like it that's on you if you're looking for that type of person that's like I'm fine with that attitude they're also they're going yeah yeah but they're going to have some of those outlandish opinions of

you know well I'll just get to spend all of your money on all this fucking random shit that only I want like

shoes and you can't be mad because you know that real fucking 70s sitcom shit American sitcom aye imagine

Natalie was watching something the other day while I was playing on my computer game with her from Schitt's Creek in it

which one Alexa aye and I forget what it's called but the way she explained it it was like it's one of them

misogynistic American sitcoms but then when he leaves it just snaps to reality and she fucking hates her life or something oh so like it made us think of

WandaVision a little bit but I don't think it is like that. But it's, like, where, like, it just shows you, like, how you would be if you... I'm going to watch it, but you pitched it as that. But we don't know what it's called. I'm really... Aye.

I shouldn't have brought it up. No, you shouldn't have. Like, it was funny because I was listening to the podcast on the way here, the one you're doing with Cullen, and people almost get so angry at home. You know, like, when you're talking about the baby you've done with Colin. And people must get so angry at home. You know, like when you were talking about the baby from Nirvana being dead. Aye.

And then somebody commented on the thing and he was in the news like literally this year for trying to sue them. Oh, we knew the baby from Nirvana wasn't dead. Oh, okay. That was a bit. Oh, right, okay. Oh, because it drowned, yeah, of course.

And then was it not Little John that was in Cooking by the Book? Yeah. Little Wayne. Was it Little Wayne? It was Little Wayne. Not Little John? No, it not Little John that was in Cooking by the Book yeah Little Wayne was it Little Wayne it was Little Wayne not Little John no it was Little Wayne

okay so you've right so you were getting wrong annoyed at the podcast we did aye

right are you gaslighting me is it not Little John no it's Little Wayne yeah yeah that's Little Wayne's like I could bring it up

and show you aye please do because I've been Mandela Aye please do Because I've been Mandela affected If it's I've been absolutely Fucking Mandela affected If it's Little Wayne

Because I I could have swore It was Little John They're like Okay Like that guy Okay Yeah

Little Wayne's like Like You're like a lollipop guy Little Wayne Cooking by the book Play it Oh no it is Lil John Oh thank fucking god

Thank fucking god Hold on Where is he Is that him Wait no that's For fuck's sake Play it It's class

Well no but I'm not gonna Play it on fucking this Why Who's gonna sue you It's not about su. It's class. Well, no, but I'm not going to play it on fucking this. Why? Who's going to sue you? It's not about suing. It's about fucking content. This cunt.

Him. That little John. Aye. Little John, aye. Which one's Little Wayne then? Little Wayne's like a scrawny guy. I never used to like him, but then I would go... Fuck, I'm being racist. I've got...

Fuck. You'll recognise Little Wayne when you see him. He's a scrawny little guy hold on is that oh my god I am a racist

fuck thank fuck for that man I've like for the first time in my life even looking at photos

I can't believe those are two different people that's mad because I've been I've been fucking wrong so many times lately that like

I just accept that I'm wrong. But on that one, I was willing to just concede it and just go, oh, look, I'm just bouncing between universes. Every time I'm fucking wrong, I'm just being Mandela-affected and I'm just fucking bouncing. It's definitely not that, and it's definitely drug damage. But on that one... It was, little John, fair enough.

I'm glad I stuck by my guns. I've just found out I'm definitely a bigot Aye Aye That's not good Well mind you I could put it down to the fact That I'm just a white person

That does not pay much attention To rap But then It happens to me With football quite a bit Aye Where like Jacob Merfield

Scorn I think it was Isaac Hayden Because like But it It just feels like it's racism But it's just an honest mistake A lot of the time Like if that was like

Sean Lungstaff scoring You're going Oh I thought it was John Joe Shelby Yeah that common mistake Yeah John Joe Shelby Is a very common looking man No I remember the I can't be able to remember

There was the Arsene Wenger's 1000th game in charge Where they got battered Yeah they got battered 6-1 by Chelsea Samuel Lillard and Salah on the fucking score sheet Along with Andre Schurl But that was the one where

I think like Oxlade-Chamberlain made a tackle but Theo Walcott it wasn't Theo Walcott it was Kieran Gibbs Gibbs Kieran Gibbs he booked the wrong

black guy and set him off and stuck with it even when like Chelsea players were like hey buddy just let you know it was definitely

the other guy referee's like nah nah motherfucker I never make mistakes i'm a premier league referee get off the fucking absolutely mind-boggling how the fuck does that look look innocent mistake sure sure it's an innocent mistake but it's one of those innocent mistakes that when 20 professionals go hey buddy you got that wrong you go

whoopsie daisy get him back out if you stick to your guns then your job is over forever because that's you just being like logic doesn't

come into it it's all about me it's all about my fucking ego my fucking personality my decision is final even if my decision is fucking wrong

because I'm the referee and what the referee says he should never have refereed again after that or he should have just been like look I need to take a good hard look at myself

I didn't think I was racist but maybe there is like it's not racism but it's just wheel out like anti-racism is spotting racism

within yourself and just in this moment I've spotted racism within myself and I need to have a look at that I need to do some introspective

and he should have took that angle did he just put his head in the sand? Yeah he did and you know what you're very right I should take a look at myself so I'm going to spend this time working at the differences

between little one little John and little Wayne right so little Wayne's got face tattoos and little John is the one with the grills oh I think they've both got grills I think little Wayne has gold teeth what's the one with the grills I think they both got grills I think Little Wayne has gold teeth what's the difference?

the grill's not like the fucking kind of full oh for fuck's sake actually I don't even know now but did you see David James getting away with racism by being black no he was on the TV

the African Cup of Nations is going to mess up a lot of teams because you've got oh who was the player he went Mo Salah

Mane and then he said a Belgian oh right I don't know if he said like Uri Tielemans or something Lukaku

is Divock Origi Belgian I don't know I think so Because that would make sense Because it was another Liverpool It would have been another Liverpool player

But he just rhymed off Three players that were playing In the African Cup of Nations And he just went Mane Mo Salah Just any other black guy Saka

Good job you're black David James Because that would Yeah That would have been real cold coming from Jeff Stellan meanwhile the black community has been like

by the way David James is he's more white today he's I know look look hey he's still one of our brothers

but just to let you know he took a big step towards Caucasian today a big crap step towards Caucasian just like hey big crap step towards Caucasian. Just like, hey, no, no, hey, hey, I'm on his side still.

But he's starting to smell a little bit like milk. That's all I'm saying. He also watched The Crown. Just take that as you will. Just take that as you will. I'm just like, you know, David. The Crown can't dance. Cannot dance. that as you will I'm just like you know David loves the crowd can't dance cannot dance before we

wrap this up 2022 fucking hopefully it's not what was the year when all the celebrities died and it was shite

2016 when will you end aye Bob Saget's dead Daniel you fucking you said. Daniel, you fucking, you said on this podcast, you fucking jinxed a lot of people to death. Jinxed it last year.

You said no comedians have died in a while. Aye. And we'll ponder over who was the last one. The answer was Incognito, but I think we'll come up with Patrice O'Neill. Yes, aye. Or Greg Giraldo. Greg Giraldo.

And it was like you were casting back to find a dead comedian and like we said we overlooked we overlooked one yeah and we probably overlooked some other ones

that we missed but then the minute you said that like Sean Locke Norm Macdonald Phil Gerrard now Bob Saget like man

how how are we gonna undo the curse before I die eh it's okay fine fine fine no

it's been a while since a footballer died. Oh my God. I can't break the curse to deflect the curse. It's been a while since a British podcaster died. It's been a while

since someone from Love Island killed themselves. No, fuck! It's been a while. It's been a while since a baby died No fuck no shit It's been a while since a dog died Nope

Why would you do that It's been a while since we died on stage I I'll take a bomb To keep people alive When Newcastle Got beat off Cambridge I felt all day

Like I'd bombed on stage You know that feeling You get after bombing Aye The feeling that you get after Eating a Eating a dick On stage

Dirty I felt that For just less than 24 hours When Arsenal Got put out by Nottingham Forest And then I felt

Fucking fantastic Aye Especially because It was their fucking Youngsters as well The ones that Just less than 24 hours when Arsenal got put out by Nottingham first and then I felt fucking fantastic. Especially because it was their fucking youngsters as well. The ones that they like. The ones that they like. These are the saviour of the club.

The only thing about youngsters is they're inconsistent of football back to Bob Saget. Man gutted. Well I'd never got the pleasure of actually meeting him

in person. But he'd reached out to you. He'd read your book off his own accord he loved it, gave you a quote for it, brought you on his podcast to help promote the bloke who'd been someone you'd

looked up to in your field had handpicked you and kind of started nurturing you and was just very kind with message and say nice things all the tributes to him were just people, everyone was just going, he was the nicest man in the world and he loved his kids.

He was the nicest man in the world and he loved his kids. And whether those were his actual real-life kids or, like, the kids that he was the parents of in, like, TV shows, he was still in contact with Kat Jennings and the Mary Kate and Ashley. I didn't know he was the voice of How I Met Your Mother. Aye. Aye, I found out this morning. Aye.

He was also, again, if nobody has seen The Aristocrats, you have to go on Amazon Prime, find it illegally, wherever you, I don't know, I know the person who made The Aristocrats, so don't stream it illegally. You'll be able to find it in a place on Amazon

or if you're in America, I imagine it's on HBO or something like that. It's called The Aristocrats. If you don't know the concept of it, there is a joke that is famous amongst comedians because there are a thousand ways to tell it. And the funnier it is, the comedy comes from how you tell it, the story you create behind it. It's been done on TV. It's been done on South Park. South Park, I've done it.

And The Aristocrats, the movie by the wonderful Paul Provenza and Bob Saget is one of the opening ones on it because Bob Saget was such a family, he was always seen as family friendly because he did all these he did he was the voice of or the host of America's Funny Videos, he was the dad in

Full House, he was always this clean comic but when you read his autobiography Dirty Daddy which is excellent you know he was always this clean comic but when you read his autobiography Dirty Daddy which is excellent you know he was always he just liked saying fucking horrible things that he didn't mean because that was you know that's funny he I forgot my

point here. Your point is that he's died. I know that he's died I don't think that was my point You're doing like a little eulogy like if you didn't need to take me off that's who the guy is to me. Well no I know that he's died, I don't think that was my point. You were doing like a little eulogy, like if you didn't need to, you didn't need to tip her off. You're going to think, that's who the guy is to me.

Well, no, no, he loved his kids, that was it. Thank you. Right, loved his kids, loved his real life kids and his fake kids. Every single tribute

you're going to see online, so I can't add anything new to it. I didn't know the man as well as other people do, but I can say, as somebody that was, you know, especially new to the comedy scene,

in America, and, you know, it's not a place where I live, or even perform regularly. I remember a point, it was that he was like, he was a very palatable,

family friendly guy, and then an aristocrat, so he fucking crossed the line. Yes. He didn't cross the line, but like, showed a different side of him. Aye,

aye, well showed the real side of him. And no, that's the thing about Bob, was both sides of him were fucking true. Real. Yeah,

he had decorum. He had decorum. He could switch it on for the family and he could like, Ganford would be out the back with the adults. Yeah.

But The Aristocrats was the first documentary where I think on television that he'd ever fucking taken that step and he was like, this could get me in serious trouble, Paul,

because, you know, I'm this family friendly guy. The Aristocrats is a very, very good documentary. I'm going to watch it later on today, just to remind myself of him. So, yeah, sad, shy, not good news. Sorry to end on that note, but one in, one out. There's a baby coming.

Quicker than your milk runs out. Well, I can't, because Colin keeps making jokes that he thinks the baby should be called Bob Sloss, because that's the name of a plumber Bob Sloss Bob Sloss Plumming Plumming Not because of Bob Ross

No I guess that Well you didn't say that bit at all You've been making that joke I didn't make the joke Callan made the joke But you didn't even Even when he made that joke Kill me either

Have you completed the No Because Like you know when somebody makes a shite joke And you're not joining in on the bit at all And you just palm it away Ah yeah They go Ali And you go no No I'm not going to even Yeah I'm not even going to acknowledge the shite joke and you're not joining in on the bit at all and you just palm it away? Ah, yeah. They go, Ali, and you go, no.

No, I'm not going to even... Yeah, I'm not even going to acknowledge the fact that you think you're naming my child, so... Robert, though. Slap it down. That's quite a big Scottish name, isn't it? Robert the Bruce? Aye, but it's also...

Robert Burns? Aye... Mmm... Nah. Nah, enough for you. Nah. Rob. Rob, nah.

Rube. I feel like Rob is a name that's probably No, maybe not There's plenty of My mate Rob, we called him Rube Then Rubles Then Ruby X That was the evolution of his name

Who's Ruby X? Ruby X, I don't know Him? Hi, him He's probably a porn star Ruby X? I reckon it is I thought it was his nickname

I bet a five out there's a porn star called Ruby X Yeah, I reckon you're Ruby Just gonna it was his nickname. I bet a fiver there's a porn star called Ruby X. Yeah, I reckon they're just going to get my name in rubles. Ruby X porn. Ruby. Yeah, R-U-B-I. Oh, no. I'll tell you what's actually happening.

I can't believe I didn't think this was going to happen. I do Ruby X porn, so I've just got a bunch of XXX porn. From Ruby. From people called Ruby. Well, there you go. If you want to get into porn and you're looking for a nickname Ruby X is free and I guarantee you'll be the first

on the results page so Gail Gash is there a Gail Gash Gail Gash how do we spell Gail G-A-I-L Gail Gash

is Gail Gash available it's a person is it Gail Gash available? It's a person Is it? Gash is a second name Gail Gash beats husband Don to death with log Crime news Flower that woman While Gail Gash was only convicted of second degree murder

Okay so somebody called Gail Gash Allegedly Murdered Nice Husband was only convicted of second degree murder okay so somebody called Gail Gash allegedly is killing it out there murdered it nice husband sorry Bob Saget I guess that wasn't

the eulogy you wanted oh then again I bet it was he liked horrible filthy jokes crammed in at the end of nice sentimental points so I don't think

there was a better way to send him off than that or is he dead