Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Having a Rummage (Ft. Rosco Mclelland)

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

We're stepping into the Sloss and Humphries era of the weekend double bill (Muggins and Cream haven't fallen out we promise) To commence your harvest Rosco joins Kai for some meandering flights of fancy that lead you from playing You Bet with Mathew Kelly to guess dogs bums to playing conkers with a tooth on a donut hair. It all makes sense in the moment I'm sure.

Roscoe Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin, livin the dream That's our intro Fuckin Muggles Tickle in the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo!

Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, Muggles Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or a magic boot cynical

Muggled it up on fuckin Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11? You're doing well there, you got Savage to buy me dog when you come in. I love that dog, she is an absolute beauty. She greeted you like a long lost friend didn't she? She's like where have you been? Because you were here maybe what like three months ago or something? Yeah and she's like oh you've came back.

But then I guess you know I've got other dog's smells on me. So it's sort of like, it is like greeting a stranger. I've heard that a few times, of people who boot the other dog's smell and stuff, right? But she runs past other people's dogs to meet the person. If she says hello to a dog, it's like a means to finance. She's not that stoked to boot other dogs, she just wants to get to the person behind the dog. Well, I guess the people behind the dog

are the ones with the little treats and stuff like that so she knows where her bread is being heard. They're shallow as fuck aren't they? Yeah. That's so obvious. Although when I go back to my mum and dad's house and they've got like five staffies and then when I go back to my house, my dog and my mother-in-law's dog there, Betty, like they will give me like a sniff down. I call it a sniffular pat down. I like it, head to toe search. Oh yeah, they're like, what the fuck have these cunts

been saying, just sniffing on. Well, what the fuck is, oh yeah, yeah, okay, cool. Because the communication in it, like that's how they learn shit about each other. It's the fucking, I did bits on it about how like when they were every time they'll piss and it was like, yes, I'll No number who does like every time the leave a person say you're fucking MSA and I do you know Facebook updates and that there's a update my status. There's a story that my My wife's dad told her when she was young and she told me and it was about why dogs sniff all the dog's arseholes

and he told her when she was a young girl that it was because all the dogs were at a house party they were all at a house party I have to bite her actually when all the dogs were at a house party and then there was a fire and well the dogs had to hang their arseholes up on hooks on the way in. And then there was a house fire and all the dogs had to run out and grab an arsehole. So the dogs are sniffing each other's arseholes to check and see if it's their arsehole or not, because they all get mixed up.

So they can get them back. That's the fable. The fable behind sniffing arseholes. But then you see like a Doberman, you're like, well, that's clearly not got a schnitz's arsehole. Do you know what I mean? That's a Doberman's arsehole. That's a Doberman's arsehole. So I think he he's tall. Are the assholes and the dogs like a relative size like you know if you took a Doberman's asshole and you took a Schnitz's asshole like you know if you went on U-Belt with Matthew Kelly right and had the assholes of different sized dogs yeah you reckon there'd be some surprises in there where the guy and that one's like a

fucking like what a St. Bernard's asshole but it was tiny you guessed it was a Chihuahua's. Fuck off St. Bernard's have but it was tiny you guessed it was a Chihuahua's I guess Fuck off St. Bernard's have got tiny little assholes like that Do you think it's proportional or do you think you would absolutely smash you bet? I think it, you know I think mostly proportional but I reckon there would be some surprises you'd be like I couldn't believe that I couldn't believe, there's so many things that I'm still, even at the age of 36 I'm still finding out about the world and I go I never knew that.

I was in Australia there for five weeks. I saw a pigeon having a drink. Oh fuck that, you didn't have a drink. I didn't know, I saw it having a drink and I was like, I didn't know you's done that. What, just out of a puddle? Just out, it was a wee fountain, it was just going like... It had a tongue? Yeah, it had a tongue, yeah. Fuck off, did it?

That's the best bit, yeah. Pigeons didn't have tongues? They do. Beak opened, tongue came out, I was like, holy shit, I saw it side on and I was like looking around in this big square going, is nobody else freaking out? I'm freaking out here, man. How's that not a delicacy, pigeon tongue? Well, I've got a new bit about it where I think instead of using vibrators and batteries,

a more economical or ecological way of people getting lick outs would be to de-beak a thirsty pigeon. Oh nice. Use it for, use it. You don't want to be getting in the way of the whole, do you? Well that's what you do, you take the beak off, you know what I mean?

You have to de-beak it, which is sad. De-beak it, ah yes. If you want to use a full pigeon, you use it for clamps for your nips. But then again, like, you see lasses with really long fingernails. That's the workaround, like. You know, like if my,

I'm sorry Natalie, right? But if my fingernails are even remotely, like, needn't cuttin', I'm hazard to God doing that. I'd be like Freddy Kruegerger mate, I'd make a mess. Yeah you do. I'd fucking, that would absolutely... It would be fucking hell to my sister's hands if I went down with fucking like quite of a mill of fingernail. You ever see like... But they must not have way around with long fingernails.

They kind of... I guess so yeah. They kind of just kind of like sell a bit to themselves. Yeah. Just for a little bit of glamour. Well, they know what they're feeling so they can maneuver around, do you know? But we're just in there, just trying to get a fucking, I don't know. Like trying to get a grip on it.

You know, when you're on the rock climbing, you're going up the hard route, when you're bouldering and there's like little nubbins, you're just trying to grab on to something just with a finger strength. Someone's dropped a watch in a fucking mud pionier like, I just fucking whatever man. Just panning for gold without any equipment. Yeah.

Just having a rummage. I refer to her as having a rummage once and they give Natalie the ick. She makes easy with words Natalie. It's just with a wrong person for that. Having a rummage. Yeah, no, I can see why that would, I can see why she would be like, no, not that one. Don't call it having a rummage.

Yeah. There's an a car boot sale. So. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Looking for a bargain. Ha ha ha. Have you ever seen that Buzzcocks, the Geordie lad,

the chav, he does like seven minute monologues to the camera, but it was like viral videos before viral videos were even a thing. You know, around about the time of Ouch Charlie, like, oh, you've changed. Did you say Charlie bit my finger? Yeah, Facebook wasn't even a thing yet. So like YouTube videos were getting email to people.

So they're like, it's getting out hits off like email chains and shit, right? So there's this lad, I believe he was a teacher and he called himself Buzzcocks and he would just do, it was essentially everything that Lee Nelson wanted to be. You know, the child character act. It was so like, and he could go on like seven minute rants and telling fucking tall stories now that and he referred to Finkerman is getting his kit my glove on

Put on me These people were before the time Shag and smashing up pasty He just kept slipping stuff like I didn these big runs. I miss the unpredictability of the internet there used to be. Because when people try and troll me now, or if I post up a reel and they're saying comments on it, I'm like, you don't fucking... I'm like Bane in the movie from the Batman film, like, you think the internet's your ally? I was fucking born on the internet, man.

I didn't see, I didn't see fibre optic until I was already a man. I am. You had to wait for your porn pictures to load. Yeah. You had to wait for the images from the fucking bottom up to load. Do you know how I got on the internet? I had to listen to a phone scream at me. A 56K mode of him going, I had to listen to that.

Just so you could get on Rob Celebs. Pornhove hadn't been invented yet. RIP Rob by the way. And then I would fucking download a Green Day video that would take me five days and then it was a man being fucked to death by a horse. Put a virus on your parents computer. Yeah, I was moldy than the fires of the early internet. If you think your wee comments can bother me. You think you can slag me off on FIFA, man? I played 2-2 rocket on the Dreamcast.

I was one of the first people to block the pool in Habbo Hotel. So come at me, bro. I blended a frog, you daft cunt, man. Why can't I blend in a frog? Think he can come after me? Fuckin' hell. I'm an old bastard, innit? My life changed since you last did this podcast, cos I reply to trolls now.

I used to be, I'll miss that fucking sunshine of kindness. Am I only gonna reply to the people being nice? Why should the trolls get my attention? Oh, I've had a belt of time. I've had a fucking lovely time lighting them up. Now you're going straight after them, I love it man. You know what I like to say to that, like sometimes because like their replies are always fucking mental. If you if you respond to them, their replies and you didn't want to get sucked into a dialogue, you just want to slam their original comment. Yeah. I occasionally just fucking delete their long replies at the end and just leave it as a slap

I was like if people are watching through this they're just saying his comment and then him getting slapped Yeah, and then all the likes on that comment and not saying his little fucking panic attack at the end of it Usually him and all I've fucking rarely rarely fucking have heat off lasses on the internet. Yeah, that was blokes Yeah heat of lasses on the internet. Yeah. That was blokes. Yeah, it is always guys and they always look like there's like the cross, like the evolutionary part between humans and hammerhead sharks, man. Those are really wide, far apart eyes. Navi, Navi looking.

Yeah, fucking weird though, isn't it? But long may they keep boosting the algorithms of people. It's mad. Like I was, have you ever done something where you actually deserve the trolling a little bit, but you just don't know how to respond to it, so you just like, just hope it goes away? Example. Probably.

Example that cued the question was, I talked about a jolly sentence on some laugh podcast with Mark Jennings and Stu McPherson. Steven wasn't there, but with the other two lads. And I talked about the most Geordie sentence that I've ever heard, right? Which was, geese the bouncy ball, it's gone in the furnace.

Right, where none of the words are words and I unpack the whole thing, give me the bouncy ball, it's going in the furnace. No, Geordies don't say geese, they say geese. It's such a small, tiny distinction. I'm not from Newcastle. And there was a, when I said it was the most Geordie sentence, it wasumbria and it was a pit yak it was it was pitmatic

it was like it was the Ashton people the amount of people that were Geordie's gone I'm a Geordie I've never said geese in my life well I've seen geese I was like oh my like fucking sos like yeah but to the broader audience it still worked as a bit but bit, but to hardcore anyone who lived by the River Town Jordies, they're like, fucking what's this shit? What's this slander? Is this slander? That's not one of our words.

Do you know what? I'm saying it right here. Do you know what? On behalf of me and Kai Newcastle, you can fuck off. Yeah, just like fucking Ashenton Lite. You're like a fucking What I Doon version of us. You see a guy in Ashenton, Blythe, that's where I'm actually from. Newcastle. If you haven't gone any further you'll find out what you end up with if you keep What I Doon.

But where the true journey's up in the pits, in the mountains. The home made mountains where we dug the earth up and put the mountains there with our bare hands. I really enjoyed Newcastle when I was down there. I had to exist in the city. I done one of those things where I agreed to open for Mike Rice on the Sunday after doing a Newcastle weekend. I met him for the first time a couple of weeks ago.

Oh he's great. He's a great lad. It's so strange when you're just talking to like a young man but then occasionally he'll pull out a thing that's like a 70 year old farmer would say and you're like what? I was talking to him, it was in the Newcastle stand and he was like should I wear this shirt or this new shirt and I was like well I think you should wear like you've done a few of these things and if you're going to record it, you should wear whatever shirt you feel most comfortable in doing it.

And he was like, you know what? But also think of the sweat patches. Yeah, yeah, that too. Yeah, you don't want them. He was like, you know what, Roscoe, there's no flies on you. And if they were, they'd be paying rent. Gave me a cap on the shoulder. And I was like, where the that cap, what? I love shit like that.

Because that's that's somebody who like hung around with the elders for a bit. Yeah. Listen to the elders. Maybe Rick Gittes is always coming up with stuff like that. Because that's somebody who like hung around with the elders for a bit, listen to the elders. Maybe we at Ricketts as always come up with stuff like that, just like hell's teeth, or like you walk into the barn, you'll be like, if the devil cast its net, I'll live like old timey. Old timey just turns a phrase way, just like, oh, I love it. I might throw a few of them out tonight.

I'm going to help your old school night out tonight. Like a bowling club, someone's dad's birthday. It's a surprise going to be there. The drinks are going to be like, I don't know, fucking two pence a drink or something like that. I cannot wait. And I might just start throwing out some old ones. Like, you fly with the cross, you get shot with the cross. Stuff like that.

Oh, dig deep, there's got to be more. It's hard off the top of your head though isn't it? It is, yeah. Devil cast its net, the only one that comes to me. No, devil cast its net. It's the devil cast its net. That's like the much better version of look what the cat dragged in. Look what the cat dragged in is all tamey, but I don't know how that stood the test of time like that, that was never good.

Yeah, I know it. What a mouse? cat dragged in his old timey, but I don't know how that stood the test of time. Like that was never good. Yeah. I know. What a mouse. Yeah, yeah, a cat with a mouse. You can fucking square goalie. You just got to be a dead mouse. Oh, I really, I really, I'm really excited. I would love it to not have been done up in the past 30 years as well.

Yeah. So indoor balls. Well, like there'll be no bowls about it. Like this is just a bowling club. But when I tag, and sorry, when I say indoor bowls, that they're differentially out, both of the things I'm talking about indoors, I mean, ten pin bowling is ten pin bowling,

but like lawn bowls, that's a lawn bowl, which is also outside. So to call it indoor bowls is weird. Like the carpet bowls, the indoor lawn bowls this will be like the carpet balls the indoor lot lawn bowls This will be the end of building the function of a building where they usually would they play lawn bowls Except no ball and I'll be happening and I'll be getting fucking smashed at my bounce For cheap well some DJ plays songs. Nice, are the carpeted over the lawn bowls? Are you playing on the green?

I really hope so, man. Let's just... We did a punch drunk gig on the green ones because Concordia Leisure Centre, where I used to work as a lifeguard, just leisure attendant, glorified cleaner. We had a big bowl screen there. I actually fucking did CPR on somebody.

I had a heart attack. I used the defib and that. We got them back to life, aye? Oh, that is great. We got them back to life. He had seven more years and it got us fucking right out of trouble and all because I was about to get disciplined for lateness and then I fucking saved a guy's life and my hearing for me disciplinary was the next morning and they just fucking like, let's postpone it. I was always getting fucking like, I was talking to would they do nobody the

Australian comedian you know we've probably get with the Moot and Sydney or whatever a couple of times some Melbourne Sydney Melbourne I was telling him about like fucking is getting disciplined and getting rid of it because I was starting stand-up and the fucking guy couldn't like he realized that like lost interest so that was fucking two disciplineries like in a short period of time I got out of like fucking and then you saved our life and they were like listen we got to keep this guy you know we would have had to cart a dead person out of here it's bad optics that bad optics um I remember that so vividly as well because when we were doing CPR on the guy

the he's made put his hand on my shoulder while I was fucking like setting up the fucking defib because me mate was doing the compressions and I was like manscaping him to put the fuck you know and you should have to shave that chest I give up I give up on that pretty quickly I've done a couple of fucking shaves and I was like this is killing time this like just fucking get them on and while I was doing all that nonsense fucking he's made come up put his hand on his shoulder and went he's only doing this because he's losing fucking caled him on it

see the video when you shave the chest is it like here and here? it's a chest there and then ribs there so you do a cross oh right so you like I think I think the whole point is like because your heart's there isn't it yeah I think the point is that I can do a cross It's been a long time since I've been trained. Yeah. And then red tape meant that they had to keep changing. Oh I keep putting it down on the table don't I? Oh. Making all canoey phones right. It's a very professional outfit this.

Like I was a lifeguard for nine years and every couple years they'd change like how many compressions to breaths you do They'd like that I was they keep changing the song don't they? Changing their the rhythm of the song. It was Nelly the elephant in my day. Oh, right I know the elephant went to town. But was it there was it in so the last thing they heard was Trump Trump I mean, that's gonna be a experience for a lot of people in America right now. LGBT people. Go on Parsons, you got this. There's a different, there's Nail of the Elephant,

the kids version and then there's the kind of more, what do they call it, the fucking, I can't remember the name but there's more punk version of Nelly the Elephant. There's a punk version of Nelly the Elephant? Yeah, I can't remember who fucking sings it, the Dolls or something like that, but it's good. Do you know how it goes? It's probably exactly the same but just with some drums and some guitar really. So like, right so guys Nelly the Elephant went to town and said goodbye to the circus off you but they do like a, ooh-ah! That's not punk, is it? That's heavy metal. That's pretty heavy, yeah. There's like a weird bit where, sort of like the verses, he's doing like, night by night, da-da-da-da-da-da, and then they go, ooh! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- It's actually really good. But you can't do CPR to that because there's too much of a gear change,

too much of a pace change. And you know, right, the difference between like going whoo and screaming into them. You could scream into them, it would do the same job. You'd have to do CPR, nip the nose, do it back again. Ah, it's still, sorry. It might shock them awake. Imagine someone screaming into your lungs. Oh, you ever done a thing, and this is-

How's that, how can I say, they should make that change? I'm in a petition for it. That's a strange thing. You ever suck the air out of someone via their mouth? It was fucking great. Consensually? Yeah, consensually. See next time you go in for like an open mouth kiss with someone, right?

Probably be my wife. Just fucking, just suck in. Because they go, and it's so good. It's great, honestly, give it a try. My legs get in the air sucked right out of her when I get home. I may try that with Natalie, sometimes I'll go to pick her on the cheek but wait, I'll watch for some of it and she calls it, she's named it now because I dig that off in a C mucus. I just come in again, hiya, and just think, the hostile picker on the cheek. She'll be proper startled by it, like what the fuck was that? The hostile peck on the cheek. Shall we put a startled back?

What the fuck was that? I was terrified to notice. I might follow that up next time, give her the emu kiss. Get a kiss. Suck the lungs in the back. Then just walk off. Treat them mean. It's a great move, you know.

Keep everybody on their toes. Everyone you meet, suck the air out of them. And that's... I'm actually, if you read Brandon Sanderson, I'm reading Warbringer at the minute, that's pretty much the concept of the book. Sucking air out of people? Sucking the breath out of people, aye. Wow.

But the breaths are like their magic powers. Like if you were playing it as a computer game, that would be like your bar of magic would be your breath. Oh, right. And like you're taking their breath. So you're taking their power. I've not read a book for so long. Every Brandon Sanderson book I read, I feel like he's just pitching a computer game that would be class.

Like he always comes up with really good magic systems where you're like, oh, I'm enjoying reading this, but chuck the controller pad in my hand and let us use it. I like what they're doing with Doom for this. There's a new Doom coming out and they went basically, the last Doom fucking, it was great. I've never really played a Doom game before, the last one it was just like, this guy's got big fucking guns and there's stuff that's running at him and he shoots it and it fucking explodes. I'm like, that's exactly what I

want for a game called Doom. And then they're like, how do we top that? And I'm like, what if we just put like dragons and shit in it as Doom but there's like dragons and knights? And they're like, yeah perfect, yeah that's I want the same thing in a different fucking place. Good. So they were getting a new Doom game? Yeah. What was the last one like? Because I played the first couple. I played the PC, like early PC the fuck, went to what we were talking about before with a dialup. But I didn't play it online. Yeah, I've never played any of the other ones, but the last one was, it was great, but the music in it was fucking, you know, where you're like, this is perfect. It was just fucking, I cannot explain how good it is. It made me go, yeah, all these things deserve to be killed

because this music is hyping me up so much. And that's probably on PS Plus as well, isn't it? So I can just go and play that for now when you leave. Yeah. It's bound to be. It seems like a PS Plus game that. I feel like it will be at this point. It's been out for a while now. It's been out for a while. Yeah, you'll get that. So what, yeah, we're talking like PS3. Oh, no, probably like, maybe like four years ago, five years ago, something like that.

Yeah. Oh, nice. I'll give that a go. I'm back in the Baldur's Gate at the minute. I've actually been speaking to these about it fairly recently, but I'm like, do you play Baldur's Gate? I haven't played it. No, it's I think the best game that's ever been made by absolutely miles. Interestingly, I play in this cowboy server where everybody assumes a character and goes in and I'm in there fucking have a laugh, take the piss.

And the person who narrates the brain worm in Baldur's Gate is in that server. Oh really? And every time I'm around her and she's speaking, I'm like, God, she's got a beautiful captivating voice that just, it's a disarming voice it's terrifying because she could be like go and chop your own cocking balls off and I'm like alright. Wait what? Why did I agree to that? You failed the save and throw. Why did I agree to this?

I ended up, you know what I feel really sad about it because Danny was fucking angry at us afterwards because like I was chatting the last time we did an LA show on his tour which was around about this time last year. I was chatting to somebody for ages that I'd clearly met before but I couldn't place where I knew them from and you know when you're doing that you're just like right right, as long as I don't have to use their name, we can style this out and we can have a nice nourishing conversation without us having to place them. And then he was like, you've totally forgot who that was, haven't you?

It was Barack Obama? It was Obama. Oh my God, Barack Obama. I can't believe it's first guest, you got it? I was actually like in the White House now. He's like, Arthur, it's great, I can do his voice. It's not like I shouldn't have placed him. Cause like, you know, sometimes when I was a lifeguard

and somebody came in that was like the ice cream van, driver guy came in, I'm not used to seeing him in his swimming trunks. So if I can't place him into the car right now, but like if I see the ice cream van in the fucking van where he sells ice cream from, I fucking recognise him immediately, right? I should have been what happened with Obama who actually was it was the

voice from Ellie in the game of both games of Blast of Us yeah I've never I'm not played them either and then he was saying I kind of believe you can't remember who she was you jumped in a swimming pool with your clothes on or we had to stop you jumped in a swimming pool with our clothes on or something I had like a mad night where I woke up on the couch in a house pool with your clothes on, or we had to stop you jumping in a swimming pool with your clothes on or something like that. I had like a mad night where I woke up on the couch in a house, and there was like an event where I was about to dive in a swimming pool with my clothes on, and he had to remind us about that.

I was like, I had spent a whole night with her gaff in like 2019 or something, and I just couldn't place it. I was like, what a bastard. Well, listen, do you know, she, if you're at diving in a swimming pool with your clothes on level, you can't expect people to remember. Nah, nah, but I'm usually quite good at remembering that. she if you're diving the swimming pool your clothes on level

you can't expect people to remember. Nah, but I'm usually quite good at remembering that. You know, like I don't get black, I'm not like Jamie Hutchison where like he just loses entire evenings, right? Like, but then again, that's usually with the aid of coke. Yeah. That really helps you from becoming belligerent drunk dad. Yeah. I haven't lost an even in a bit.

Well, actually no. New Year's Eve, I got pretty fucked. Do you know if you're just booze and you get just booze drunk, like I always call an old man drunk because I always think of the guy, the guy Nick Nolte from Warrior. See the film Warrior?

I don't know. The UFC one where the two brothers end up fighting each other. And the dad's like, he's the the coach but like the son's like the son isn't accepting him as his dad because he's like fucking you were a cunt when you were drunk and he's like but I've stopped drinking now but then he files off the wagon and gets just belligerent old man drunk and he's crying on the bed and all that. That's where assistance

substances comes in handy, so you don't end up like that. Have you seen the other UFC film where King of Queens becomes a UFC fighter? Who, Paul Blart Moe Cops? Yeah, Paul Blart Moe Cops, King of Queens. Kevin James, is that what he's called? He becomes a UFC fighter

to save a school music program or something. Oh, nice, they couldn't get Jack Black could they? That's exactly it, yeah they're like oh. They're like Jack Black said Nick can you give can you give Kevin James a ring? Essentially every film he's ever had. It's an insane film where of course Kevin James gets everything in the end and he like, oh my god, he was a bit, he used to be Here's the synopsis. He used to be a great teacher and he cared but then the system broke him down and then he met a music teacher who still cared but the system was

You know, they failed this music teacher and they were trying to get rid of him. He also met like a really hot teacher who he wanted to fuck and then he realised that he used to be a wrestler in school and he could make money doing local wrestling fights and then all of a sudden he starts winning and he gets he meets some crazy guy in an English class who's like I'm from the Balkan stage but I can fight and then he may teach him striking because he kind of got into the octagon with just wrestling but that's like it's probably the best core skill to have it's a little bit of wrestling base yeah but you need to be able to do some striking as well like yeah so that's where the fucking guy comes in he's like yeah I can teach you how to fucking kick a man's head and then that's what

happens I'm gonna I'll keep going and then and then from Hitch do you know who do you know who the music teacher is it's none other than Henry Winkler. Oh, yeah. He's just made like a, he made a recent surge of appearances and things, hasn't he? Like I felt like I hadn't seen him for ages and then he popped up in Barry and then he's been in a few things since then. Listen, he's going strong. Do you know what I mean? The Fonts. Have you ever, because you know I've always heard the term, Jump the Shark. Is that from? Yeah, it's from Happy Days. Is that from happy days so he jumped a shark on a jet ski or something how did that because I haven't seen the episode but like I've known the turn of phrase for

so long that it's like it's just one of them things that I've never dug into I've always just known of the term but like how does he jump the shark well I think what's the logistics of it I think there's possibly someone, maybe on water skis? Oh, okay. There's a shark and a pen in the sea and they have a ramp going over it and he gets pulled along and then hits the skis and jumps the shark. And I guess everyone was like, f*** this. Whatever has happened here there must be a name for this, because it's happened. Yeah.

In fact we'll just name it right here and knew he jumped the shark there and you know what I mean not the physical act of jumping the shark he actually fucking jumped the shark there's a great show from New Zealand called back of the why I got the words so good man and there's a there's like a stunt man I can't remember his name is but a it's like a stunt man, I can't remember what his name is, but he, it's such a low budget cult show, it's great, I think you'd love it, and he tries to jump a monkey that's on fire in a cage, it's not a real monkey, it's just a guy in a monkey suit and then the monkey breaks out and kicks fuck out the guy who's jumping on a wee bike.

And I, it's great shit, man. A huge recommend. One of my favourite TV shows of all time, back in the way. It's comedy, clearly. Yeah, it is. Oh, mate, I got a film recommended of us by Elliot Steele. And he was like, oh, you haven't seen it. It was one of them where he mentioned it.

And then went, you fucking haven't seen it. Go watch it. Don't ask any questions, just go watch it. And I went and watched this film, right? you haven't seen it. It was one of them where he mentioned it. And then went, you fucking haven't seen it. Go watch it. Don't ask any questions. Just go watch it. And I went and watched this film, right? It's called Old Boy. Oh yeah, Japanese guy in a room sort of thing. Yeah, he's locked in a room for 15 years.

And the fucking, I mean, you kind of get a spoiler alert. I might have to change the saturation on that camera. Do I look like someone off Cocoon? Now the film Cocon where the leg Maybe that is quite bright. I think that maybe Has it been like that the whole time? That's that's a ether all that There's people listening to this that I just like I get on to the story about old boy But like we'll just look to the camera and it looks honestly, right, the image

looks like Roscoe's talking to a cast by the friendly ghost. He's just having a little interview with a ghost. Well, I think it's beautiful. Have you ever seen Teen Angel? Like, Teen Angel? I haven't seen Teen Angel. Oh, it's good, man. It's a good show. I'm just like, I'm your Teen Angel. I'm just like, I'm running away, just like, keep me in with the turns of phrase. I'll give you the synopsis. It was... We're gonna put a bookmark on Old Boy, we will get back to you. Yeah, so Teen Angel, it was about a boy

who went into his friend's room and he was about a cheeky chappy, and then he found a burger under his bed and he ate it and instantly died because of it but then he came back as an angel to to sort of guide his friend through you know the bereavement process really. I didn't want any advice from someone that has a fucking carpet burger from under the bed like yeah exactly I'd be like yeah mate you're not going to hell to get the for the fucking actions you little tramp. The worst part was if anything he made his life worse because now not only was he

Martin and his best friend's death he now had this like secret to keep where he was like talking to Nobody really because nobody else could see him. You're just making your mate look insane now Instead of letting him get on with it instead of going through his grief you're like deepening his grief by making him look absolutely fucking Bananas. I would always watch them like there was just a spate of them it started with WYSIWYG I think what you say is what you get where there was like a little floating head that looked a bit like ET yeah and like if you just wished for something ambiently it would come up so you'd have to like watch what you're saying because you're gonna get the wish yeah even if you're like I wish they'd shut

the fuck up and then all of a sudden your friends mute it was a children's show so didn't quite happen that crass. Then there was Bernard's watch where it could stop time. And he was the wrong person to get that. You know what he kept doing? Going in the shop, right? Instead of shoplifting, putting the fucking money in the till, you use it just to save time rather than to get free stuff.

That's so fucked up, man. Dick move that. If you had a little floating companion, what? Queen's nose was the next one. What? Rub the Queen's nose and then make a wish. But what would your floating companion be if you had to have one?

Like what sort of kind of imagery we talking? So if I could choose my own, if I could like, you know, you're starting a new computer game, right? You're gonna have yourself a little floating companion with your wig, right? And you've got to go through the features of what it would look like.

Oh, what about, you know, have you seen them dummies that are like punch bag dummies where it's like a fucking, and it's like this kind of flat top, like fucking synthetic rubber guy with like a mean mugging face? I think like just that guy, that guy, if he there just so every now and again I could just whack him on. Just fucking ping him on. I'd get like a flesh ball, little arms, little legs, mouth, eyes, constantly screaming in pain.

I think you've just described was he awake that way. Yeah, for like a bit it would be funny, but then after a while you'd be like, why have I done this? He's going, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wish you were in more pain. I wish you were in more pain. I wish you were in existence. What about old boy? What were you? Oh yeah, so old boy. So I'm fucking watching this film, right? It's a bit weird, right? And there was a point where it nearly lost us because there was a fight scene in a corridor where it was this one guy who trained himself how to fight

in a room for 15 years and it was like a fucking puppet show. You know when you're like, you're... It's from sooner than on back they know how did they fucking fight scenes knew what are you giving us a shit fight scene for yeah when I say that you know what I mean well it's just I think is there an older version of it it's 2003 old boy is there is there an older version in that I don't think so I think there's a newer version I knew it near than 2003 I think there's a newer version. I knew it

near than 2003. I think so. Yeah I knew there was like another version in it. I'm gonna just look down the camera and say I'm not sure. It's okay to say I don't know. So the whole point of him being in this room and like I say you can't spoil something from 2003 so if you're gonna watch Oldboy your mates will pause the podcast new then go and watch it then. Right. They kept him in that room the people that kidnapped him kept him in that room so that his daughter could grow old enough to fuck and then they could hypnotize him and his daughter to fuck that's so cool as like revenge for something that he didn't know he'd done that's like like a long play troll for

like it was basically like he broke up an incest between a brother and a sister and like spread the rumor that ended up with her suicide. Right, it's not a rumor if it happens, gossiping it. Do you know what the weird thing is? I've watched this and I've never picked up on that was what the plot was. You fucking absolutely suppressed the memory of the fact that you watched somebody get locked in a room

so that he could go and Fucking fall in love with his own daughter. I Just I missed a lot of subplot that I was like this guy's raging about being caught in that room You didn't have yourself a fucking channel five bank over the sex scene, did you? You know when you I've talked about this on stage as well So I'm not going to do it when you couldn't pause TV and you had to fucking sniper it the window The window of opportunity would happen and you're like great. There's no rewinding. It doesn't exist yet It hasn't even been conceptualized rewinding this thing. So you've got to have your wank now and

You know, you can't be like, oh there may be a better sex scene later Yeah, I can see that woman standing at the window. She's got a side-tip on for you. Time to go Time to go boys. Straight out. Let's get into it. And I saw that means like if it's 2003 when were we away on TV from? Probably then. Yeah. But I bet you people have like knocked one out before the reveal watching Old Boy. Probably yeah. Would you have sex with your daughter if you were hypnotized to do that? I've only got a dog I've only got a little dog

Do you think hypnotism is real? You know what I think if you're susceptible to it you're an idiot Yeah, I think I think they like you've got it. I think you've got to be susceptible to it for it to work. So just the mere fact of not believing it. I think if you believe in it the answer is yes and if you don't believe in it the answer is yes. What scares me sometimes is seeing, well you know like Colin Cloud, who's a mentalist, when he does stuff and I'm like, because usually you see like other magicians stuff working or like things like that and you're like,

I bet they could know them, but then you know him. And he'd done a thing when my wife was in the audience where he like guessed a pin number from the other side of the room and she was like, what the fuck? And I'm like, I know he didn't, I know this is not a plan, he's just done that. How is he doing that?

So if he can do that, what can the government do? Right, they must have like turbo calling clouds working for them, using their minds. The Carl Kemp trails are us going on here. Oh, right. The fucking calling clouds of the sky. Man, I can't believe people are like, people are like, okay like why the fuck would they use like a duster, a crop duster system when

like they're all right like we'll take, we'll drink beers. Yeah. Yeah but we're choosing our own poison. We're literally going in the shop and fucking paying heavy tax duty on fucking poison to poison ourselves. Why the fuck would they waste their time crop dusting the sky? Yeah crop dust in the sky yeah and we're just gonna we're just gonna fucking mindfully gun in and buy poison anyway you might as well just stick it in that you could just put it in the water that'd be really easy put fluoride in the toothpaste you know that oh my god no I've had two strange new toothpaste in my my house last time my wife bought it. You got brand new toothpaste? Well, I just assumed white toothpaste,

but my wife bought like really purple stuff last time. But it's called whitening, but it's black. Yeah, I'm like, well, this is a lie. And then once that was done, there's like really blue stuff that's entered the house. And I'm like, where's all this crazy colored toothpaste coming from? Do you know what I mean?

It's wild, the sink looks like it's been fucked by a painter. You gotta be able to deal with a really nice heart attack with it once you get the full fucking range of colors. Do you know, I'd love to do that. Although remember when Neil Buchanan made a tarantula out of hair? I always thought, I bet that's disgusting.

All that cut off hair for people, it's about much. Was he like, you know, he must have had like a mask on when he was doing that. Did he have like a- You'd think so. As if he was doing a bit of spray paint on his mouth. Yeah, cause you don't want to get hairs in your mouth. I hate getting a hair in my mouth.

That's like a day like hairdressers swear they'll offer you coffee. But I am thinking like these two things don't go together. Although I like where I better drink that fast before you start snipping like otherwise that's gone straight in there. I would like to just add in, I don't mind getting a hair in my mouth if I'm eating hot pussy.

Oh aye. Yeah. Then it's fine. Bearable. Bearable aye. Even then, like I come up the tut because you've got hair on your roof God's sake You can't keep them in That is great man You can't get the stuff I went back there

Neil Buchanan Was making a tranch lower hair He jumped the shark I got a doughnut from Lado A few months back. Bragging man. Yeah, it was one of the ones where it's like kind of half dipped in chocolate,

it's got chocolate inside it. Oh nice. Really good, but it had a really long hair in it. Oh. And I was like, oh, and not only that, it got wrapped around my tooth. And I was like, this is the worst. And now I can't have them anymore.

Can't you not? It just, now I look at them, I go, what if there's a big fucking weird hair in there again? I reckon if I had a daughter and there was just a strange ass hair in it, I reckon I've got the constitution to just take the hair root and then carry on eating it. It just fucked me up man. Like I'm not asked about, if you ask there's a pissy toilet seat. I'll wipe the piss off, but I'll sit there and I'll just sit dude on it. Yeah.

I'm just like, ah, what's gonna happen? Well, I mean, I get it like that. I'll have a wash later before anyone like licks the back of my legs or whatever. Yeah. Like I never want to end up in a situation where someone's licking the back of my legs after I've done that.

I've got to have to stop with their love. I sat dude on a pissy public toilet seat earlier. But I just find it's a lot more easier for me day If I'm just a lot less bothered about stuff like that Yeah, but it's because the hair wrapped around my tooth. Oh, yeah simple. It's like This is a thing now, it was did you gag? We bet Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was it was a you just like oh

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was, it was just like, oh, eh, oh. Imagine like you pulled, like wrenched on it, you pulled your tooth through it, then you've just got like a tooth on a bit of hair. And then all of a sudden, like a passing school kid comes by and he's got a conker and he wants to play for it. I think that'd be great. And just there we are, like hair to hair, don't have hair tooth.

Well that is- It's fucking, you're never gonna beat this, it's a tooth. All of a sudden that's turning the negative into a positive. And now, do you know what? That, and that's the optimism that we need there and then obviously you beat them because that's one of your teeth and that's a conker right I reckon fucking tooth beats conker every time and then all of a sudden like you're fucking like people hear about you yeah people like you

start getting run out of the schools in the local area and like the kids knocking on your door to like it's not even Halloween yeah I'm ready for a conker and you've just got like a seven millions are Did you stick did you used to clock your numbers on conkers? No, no Oh numbers up No, so right if you've got if you beat that kid playing conkers with a tooth right and he's already beat six people with a conker Yeah, right and them six people are ready like the numbers like stack So he if he if he's beat people, he hasn't just got a six,

he's got like a two or five, whatever, like their numbers are. Yeah. And then he take all his numbers. So like you beat him and you've got like, whatever, 47's that. That's fucking insane. That's a crazy way to do it, but I like it.

Oh yeah. Oh, so you keep your kills. Yeah. Stack them. Do you know there's a wee boy who, once a year, will come round my door and he sells painted rocks. Aye.

And they suck, but every year I'm buying a damn rock. His deal is, and he says it... How's Nelson doing anyway? He's going, hello! Would you like to buy a painted rock? Erm... It's, he sells them as a one for one pound or two for two pounds and I'm like, well you can't argue with that.

That's a deal. That's a bargain, that's a deal. I'll have four, I'll have four then. I've bought two, I've bought one each year. I was like, well I've only got a pound. That's that's Four I've bought I've bought two I bought one each year. I was like well only got a pound So I've bought one and I bought one last year and by God, I hope he's not dead so I can complete my Set this year completionist. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna get the rocks Let's go. Can I just invite you to have a little look at the camera here? Look how much I've just drifted more into the ether realm.

It really hurt. I don't know what's happening, I don't know if the sun's coming or whatever, but as this video goes on, I'd love to see a time lapse of me just fucking just disappearing into Elysium. I think this is the way all podcasts and video casts should be. One of them slowly dying, just disappearing out the photograph forever. Just ascending into the heavens. I'm ascending. It's been a long time coming. I've been meant for the gods for a long long time Roscoe, it's been a long time. Made podcasts a little bit rude,

like they could have done it later. That's beautiful. It's really nice. So, did we have anything unpicked there? You had your tooth, your tooth hair, donut. You can't eat the donut anymore from Lidl. It was horrible, yeah. It was horrible. I done a job for Lidl. I done like a kind of corporate job for Lidl

where I had to stand outside. Greeting people there and being kind to them and give them compliments in a kimono. Yeah, I was just being a Lidl greeter. I was standing outside, it was one in Edinburgh and I had to ask people on the way in, like, if they would try new things and stuff, well, a camera crew filmed it and what I learned that day is that the only people who stop to talk to someone on the way into a Lidl with a camera crew are people who are fucking mental. It was a real shift and a half man. You're not getting the regular people that are going into Lidl are you, that

gravitate to the camera. Like those ones are getting their heat doing and shuffling their feet and getting by. They don't want to be interrupted, they've got stuff to do. And this wasn't like after work crowd, this is me like coming home from work and getting in and grabbing something. This was like, I've got nothing to do during the day. So what sort of stuff were you asking them? Would you eat a scotch pie with a sauerkraut on top or with sauerkraut on top? And did you have the goods in case the answer was yes? No, no, we didn't. No, so it was hypothetical.

Most people were just going, I don't even know what sauerkraut is, son. And I'm like, You're like, no one does. Yeah. No one does. I believe. It's just pickled something.

Yeah. It's like, probably cabbage. Yeah. Right? Pickled cabbage, I guess. Pickled cabbage, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can probably come to your own conclusions on what

sauerkraut is, we reckon pickled cabbage and they one truly knows. Yeah. But we're on top of a scotch egg what makes an egg scotch? I don't know what a scotch egg is but like what's the what's the what's the criteria? Yeah what makes it scotch? Yeah. Is it mashed in with potatoes? It's like a kind of, because it's like a dense meat isn't it? Yeah. Is there a titty in it? I don't know, it's like a kind of, cause it's like a dense meat, isn't it? Yeah. Is there a titty in it? I don't know. It's probably, probably because it's fucking cheap. I try to get calling again today cause I've got him with five Scotch egg,

you know, and you're like, oh, Scotch eggs after dating the roast battles or whatever, can I send you me a number and then like, I'll just send, he has a picture of him as a Scotch egg. I got him with Ash Brown. I got him with Eddie Mami. Sent him an Eddie Mami bean. I got him with Chris Packard.

I'm thinking of a new Irish character called, first name Tokey, second name O'Drift. Tokey O'Drift. Yeah, he loves car racing, this guy. It's gonna be, when I unleash Tokey O Drift. Tokyo Drift? Yeah he loves car racing this guy it's gonna be when I unleash Tokyo Drift people are gonna go crazy I really need as much material as I can for this work of progress. The one I got up with today is he said in rush hour at night I was like oh one of my Geordie mates he met him in punch drunk he's up the need he's called Will Barrow.

Right. But like, I just as a name on paper, it looks like on the text, it looks good. Right. But like, he actually said it out loud because he was fucking like, how do I say, he met his voice. I'll let you listen to his voice memo. I got Nelson, I built him when he was doing the stand thing. So you're in lockdown with Toby Laron. That's a fucking absolute classic of one. It's too obvious that one.

It's so done, the fact he fell for it. Can I get a shout out to my mate Toby Lerone, who's working all of a sudden? So, do you do voice memos on 1.5? No, I don't, no. I just do regular. I think you're right. No, I was just right No, I don't know. I just did regular. I was just right there. I was literally just doing the fucking guest list. I was ready to go, you were the only one. How do you get a voice memo on loudspeaker?

You can't can you? No, not really. Right, we're gonna get in here. You fucking dirty bastard. I was just right there. I was just literally doing the fucking guest list. And I was about to go, you were about to go, yeah, well, no bothers. I think I said it out loud, oh you rat. I love that. I find it really sweet that Colin talks to himself on his own.

So I've sent him my guest list and he's been, oh, well, Barrow, no bother. He must have said it out loud. he's admitted to saying it out loud. I like that, I occasionally will say something to myself but I find it amusing when I do it. Yeah, how have you got them on 1.5 speed though, are you listening to the all voice memos at that speed? That's mad, have you got a lot of stuff to do? I think it's because Natalie sends us like podcast level ones, she sends us like, you know when I'm away from home, she'll send us like a full update of her life.

And like, I can absorb that information at 1.5. Yeah, right. Like, I don't know if she knows this yet, but like if she's listening, I know you really measure the nuances of your voice to make the stories entertaining as possible. I listen to- How was it at Woodfast? I listened to all My Wives voice memos at 0.25.

I just don't think there's enough info in there. I went really slow down. I wanted it to sound like a man was learning difficulties. It's the only way I can get off. Maybe you've cracked it there. Maybe learning, maybe... I shouldn't say what I was thinking there. Do it. I think maybe people with learning difficulties just need the speed turned up. Give them speed. I give them myth. Has anyone tried it? Well I think this

is pretty much what the Nazis were experimenting with. I think, I don't know if all learning difficulties but I think if you give somebody with ADHD cocaine it slows them down. I think it has a negative, not a negative effect, that's the wrong way to word it, I think it has an opposite effect. I think the ADHD meds are essentially just a little bit of speed, I think that's the sort of vibe, I guess it's like two negatives cancelling each other out So if speed slows them down, we're going to have to speed them up with a bit of kit So I think we need to, I don't think we need to give special needs people cat. But also if speed slows them down then why in

the film speed did they have to stay a constant pace unless... No it wasn't a constant pace it was above a certain pace. I think it was above 50 though so like that's a, like, I don't know, it's not as fast as's not as fast as a little bit. It's such an achievable speed that. Although the first time that the first time I ever drove a car and like a driving lesson when I got to 30 I was like oh my god I'm flying here. How much of a criminal do you feel when you have your first without anybody in the car with you? Yeah. You know when you first pass your test and you get given a car and they're like wait you can drive home now from where anybody in the car with you. You know when you first pass your test and you get given a car and you're like,

wait you can drive home now from where you got the car from. And you're like, you shut up, what are you gonna let me do? First thing I'd done. I still feel like that. Was accidentally reverse into a fence behind me. I accidentally hated the cunt. Yeah, I did. Absolutely hated the guy, so that's why he got his lesson.

How I got signed to my agents was very cool. They came to see me in Edinburgh years ago and it was such a shite show man. It was like a Tuesday and it was boring. I knew they were coming and I was like, well that's that fucked man. And then I was on my way to do my first late in life after that and I was leaving the, I didn't talk about this last time did I? No I don't think so, was it late in life that was actually when it was late as well before they brought it to the fucking watershed? Yeah yeah it was like late in life

The one that went on like three in the morning and the band would come on? Yeah I think it was still in that era yeah, still like Fred was booking it Yeah great And I was going to do my first one of them ever and then I saw I was like I was leaving the Gilded Rose Theatre over there in the town going well ask me fuck that blah blah and then I saw the two people who came to see me and I was like Are yous going to the other side of town? And they're like yeah, and I was like, oh well I'm driving over there to a slating life. So I mean I'll just give you a lift if yous want

I mean I've just like be a regular person. want do you know what I mean? I've just been a regular person I was like I know I've fucked that but whatever and then they jumped in my car and it was at that the fancy place the square where they do the book festival thing and I reversed my car while I was talking to them and I bumped into like a big Range Rover and I looked back I was like, they can afford it and I just drove away laughing and I think that level of madness, they were like, we need to get this guy, this guy's got something about him It's fucking insane Some poor mother, that's gonna try and get her kids into the car That's a fucking Range Rover in the centre of Edinburgh, they can afford that Some sucker mum of Edinburgh's gonna... Yeah, I'm driving like a fucking,

the Technotank 2.0 at the time, RIP, G in the Sky Technotank 2.0. I just heard the worst words you can hear from a mechanic yesterday. Pregnant? Worse than that. Lost the baby. Oh no. Where? He said it's not good. Oh no. This is the timing belt chain. Now Ross, I know enough, I know enough about cars. Yeah. Right, I just, if Lightning McQueen heard timing belt chain he'sy's got stage four, it's not a kids movie anymore. Yeah, that's not a kids movie. And like it hasn't spread into become fucking shaft, has it? So I think I'm within warranty. Listen, I'm within warranty.

So it's not it's not the like shot of the fucking heart. Like I thought it would be. It's the, oh, no, I'm just in the system. Yeah, I'm in the system of like getting the warranty fucking dealt with yeah yeah which is like like check your privilege that's a fucking like if that if that exact same thing happened in June when we warranties up yeah I just didn't have a car anymore I guess my car is on its last legs, said the cool...

The last mechanic I went to, a new guy, he had a gold tooth, and I was like, this is the kind I want, man. You don't see golden teeth around a lot anymore. I want somebody who's making money to the point of ostentation. Out of his customers. Do you know the weird thing is, he's obviously not making fucking money because he was charging fucking buttons, and he's having a wee shitty workshop, but but golden tooth and I'm like you fucking rock man

you've got that golden tooth for you and you alone and he was like well you know your exhaust is fucked but I can bodge it up and it'll last about a year but after that your car's pretty much fucked and I was like yeah cool man. I'd bodge it up, yeah, mate. I'll see you next year when I just go fucking try it again, mate. Keep budging this up for us, please. Yeah, but my car is, I think my car's almost legally old enough to fuck. Oh, nice.

You gonna? Think about it, yeah. Although the exhaust might be an issue, so. Where do you go? Do you know what I mean? Can you see yourself with a golden tooth? You did have a glint in your eye there when you mentioned it. I would love to have a golden tooth.

Deirdre Roscoe, why not? I would love that man. What's stopping you? How expensive teeth are. A golden one? That's gotta be fucking even more. Aye, but the whole tooth's not golden. It's a cap, innit?

Like you get the gold layer on your tooth. Aye, but even it. When I got these it's a cap, innit? Like, you get the gold layer on your tooth. Aye, but even it, like, when I got these veneers done, that was so much. To get a... Gold is more expensive than... Aye, whatever it is, porcelain, porcelain that they put on. Yeah. A gold toilet's more expensive than a normal toilet, so a gold tooth's gotta be way more expensive than a normal tooth. So, about a hundred quid for a pair of tooth, isn't it, when you get the bonding done? Or 95 pund, I think you pay for the tooth. That's the way I think of the word. So, about a hundred quid for a pair of tooth, isn't it,

when you get the bonding done? A 95 pound, I think, you pay for the tooth. Well, I was fucking, it was, whatever mine was, was insane. I had done, when I got my Invisalign and Veneers, it came in at eight and a half grand, all in. Fucking hell. Yeah. I used a knockoff brand, I'll-Fast and it had its complications and

never quite got done but I got it done at a fraction of the price. I didn't quite cross the finish line on it and it took three years and they kept snapping. Well mine's were perfect until the end but my mother and father-in-law's dog kept chewing just the top retainer so there was like a month where I didn't have retainer, the top retainer and they all sort of moved just a wee bit and the guy was like well there's two options, either just accept it or you have to pay a lot of money and we start the misalign again just to move them ever so slightly I was like I'm fucking great with where they are mate, it's way better. Did you try the behind your teeth braces? No, but I've heard that just put a wee thing behind a line. I lasted a few weeks

Did it? It wasn't for me that I like em I've got a bit of an overbite which you kind of like there's no you can do that's your jaw placement Yeah, with your teeth alignments never gonna like if your jaws if you've got an overbite But what it means is like, so I had the braces around the back, a bit of a burger, like not even something hard, just like soft food, and it like dislodged one of them and pushed it up.

So I just had this one, like just until I could get me next dent, it's a point where I kept pulling it down and putting it in a position. And I felt like that was creating a bit of leverage. So they weren't doing the job that they weren't intended to do. So instead of getting it fixed, I was just like,

I can't have that happening again when I'm on the road and that. So let's get just going down the retainer route. Yeah. But I did go on for like a month with it behind the teeth retainers and then decided it wasn't for me. Yeah.

I didn't mind wearing the retainers for bed, it's not so bad. Yeah, it's not for you, it's not for you. I like wearing the retainer to bed every now and then because it feels like my teeth are getting a wee special time for themselves. I do! Just putting them to bed, putting them away for the night. There's another thing I do, and it's to stop snoring, but I do think you get a better night's sleep for the day, and it's got these adhesive, it's just like elastoplast and put it on your nose and it pulls your nostrils out.

Because I've got a broken nose anyway and fucking one nostrils got a bit of traffic. It just flares the mood a bit and your breathing's just a lot easier through your nose and apparently it stops snoring. So I started thinking when I was on the two hour bus with Danny and Karen and the kid and Gordon, the two hour manager, because I was like,

I'm gonna be snoring on a tour bus and keeping people up yeah so I'd got that and I was found out I was sleeping better so I put my braces in I put my fucking routine as a put my nostril thing on and all that take my eyelashes off I've got like a proper system when I got to bed now it's proper old mantings I mean that sounds great man do you know I mean people would go oh it's an old man but it's actually not it it's actually a young, cool man thing. It's what you would have called a metrosexual in the 90s. Yeah.

The metrosexual thing. It's a new modern man who's respected not only himself and his health, but other people's space. Right. Look at that. Yeah. He's more like me. Yeah. As I ascend to the heavens, I've started descending back again, I'm that. Yeah. He's more like me. Yeah.

As I ascend to the heavens, I've started descending back again. I'm starting to get a bit more of an outline. You saw this guy on Instagram was talking about fingering his asshole and sniffing it to see how healthy he is. Oh, I know. It's really fucking, I hate it.

It's Andrew Tate still doing videos, isn't he? Do you know what? He sort of looks like that cunt as well. Does he? I haven't fingered my arse and sniffed it in a long time. He calls it his stink portal. Why are you saying that man? That's how we get out of the podcast now Roscoe. That's it. Little bit of stink portal. Well get out there, finger your stink portals and sniff it to see if you're healthy or not. Aye, and just like, my advice is to just choose which advice you're given and which ones you take.

Yeah, so, yeah. That one. Have a good rummage in your arse. Have a rummage? Roscoe, plug something, you've got the Glasgow Comedy Festival, we know that. Yeah, Glasgow Comedy Festival. I think the 16th is a work in progress, so that's nowhere close. Aye, but you could just, I believe in you, you've got this special gift of you could just go on up there and start talking and you'll be like a fucking iPod on shuffle for 40 minutes

and everyone's gonna have a class table. Yeah, I can pull it out my stink portal if I want to I guess, hopefully. See, but that is anything? I'm doing the show from last year at Oran Mawn the 30th. The 30th of March and then April, start of April I'm away at Fort Aventura so if you're in Fort Aventura I'll be there on holiday. Get in on just holiday. Just holiday. If you want to put your sun lotion on just go and ask them and let in. And then end of April of April, I've got a Scottish tour going on. Lovely.

Some places like Dunkeld, Dundee. And they can find all the ticket links on your website. I don't have a website, but you can Google it. On your link tree? I do have a link tree, yeah. Is it on your Instagram? Yeah, Instagram, Instagram. Roscoe McClellands's can't find him and I'm

about to do Australia anybody listening in Melbourne or Sydney sorry I'm not coming to Perth or Brisbane a few people have asked but they're not the best I'm just what he said which I actually don't mean Perth I had a really nice time there Melbourne Sydney and I'm gonna come back and mop up a few UK gigs which is Annex sold out Barnard Castle still tickets and Newcastle nearly full before I go Glasgow Comedy Festival 15 for March just before the Cup Final. I'll hopefully see you at one of them if not I'll see you on the next podcast bye