Sloss and Humphries On The Road - He-Man with Cats

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

After taking a crushing blow to his perceived age by a younger comedian, Muggins revisits his favourite childhood cartoons. Mark Nelson witnesses a couple break up during his gig on the weekend sparking the conversation of best walk outs and complaints at gigs. The pair poorly navigate a minefield of a conversation about shagging your school teachers.

Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for choosing Sloss and Humphreys on the road to accompany you on your long drive or while you're baking cakes or while you are trying to ignore your friends at work. However you take your podcast, you have chose the right one. This is not Sloss and Humphreys. Sloss is raising a child. As you know if you've been listening to the Monday episodes where he does like 45 minutes of rambling about his parenthood and their fun. I've really enjoyed listening to them. It's nice keeping up with the speed. With me godson. I don't think Danny's going to have godparents because he's an atheist.

But you know, I could be his Dawkins father. I'll be his Dawkins. I'll be Caelan's Dawkins father. Anyway, Daniel's not on this one. He's been flying solo. Mark Nelson's been stepping in it's just me and him this time we don't have a guest it has been fun having tom horton on and glenn wall those episodes were banging but me and mark just this time talking about he-man and talking

about thundercats and talking about being molested by school teachers just nostalgia you know classic nostalgia episode and we'll also talk about the weekends of gigs that we've been doing and best walkouts we've had a lot of industry chatter which is always nice to show you behind the curtain when we do that small announcement that's actually quite big is that we are going to do a live podcast

at the Fringe Festival August the 20th 2.30 at Just The Tonic, one of the just the tonic venues all the information is on the patreon you know it already you probably already got your tickets and if you can't come because i know i'm speaking to some of you in australia and in america we are going to try and live stream it for you on patreon and and we're going to try and put on other shows if this one works like i feel like going we're going to put on other shows we're going to try and put on other shows. If this one works, I feel like going, we're going to put on other shows. We're going to just come to New York

and we'll do one in Melbourne and stuff, right? But you know, if this one's a flop, it's not going to be a flop. And we've actually done one in Melbourne before. We know it works. We'll get guests on. We had Nick Cody and Luke Heggie on back in 2019. This one, no doubt, will be joined by Mark Nelson.

Maybe it's Elliot Steele that'll be in town. Let's see who's at the Fringe. We might even get a girl on or a person of colour. You know, this diverse podcast that you love. So that's very exciting.

Please sort out your tickets for the live show before they're all gone. My Fringe show is also on sale and if you're at Glasgow Comedy Festival this coming 13th of March, this coming 13th of March, that's how I'm going to word that plug. Come and join me for my work-in-progress solo show, where I know 30 minutes of it definitely works,

and the other 30 minutes is busy being written. So you've got to come along and guess what's the solid bits that I trust and which are the bits that have just been jotted down on a scrap of paper on my bus to the gig. I am a very homework on the bus kind of guy. Look, I'm keeping you for too long. There's too much stuff to plug. Just unwind.

Listen to the podcast. Enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rent job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

I do that all the time, Mark. I feel like my whole life is in the fucking, you know, that Gooch of the Year. It sounds like an award. It sounds like an award for the Gooch of the Year. Kanye's already won this year. Kanye's already won this year I saw you take the piss With them people on social media The ones that

Act like they don't know what day it is It's the most annoying thing Let's put it in context It happens around a bit You call the Gooch Period Between Boxing day context um it happens around a bit chris is that that you call the gooch period the period between a basically boxing day and hogman a new year's eve and uh people always going oh god if you if you'd have gone to my head i couldn't tell you what day of the year or what day of the week it

is and you're going you're typing this on the phone it tells you in the front of it, you stupid cunt. Stop trying to fucking create this maniac fucking crazy lifestyle you have. I'm mad, mate. I'm absolutely mad. I don't know how my head works. So, we just did that one. It's Monday, isn't it? And you were like, ah, it's Monday. And then I was about to start the podcast.

And then just before we pressed record, I'm like, it's fucking Thursday. I just live in a perpetual state of a muggle june gooch yeah it's because we don't have well you'll have less of a structured life than me especially when you're not on tour because you've got the school route actually tour is a bit more um it's hard to engage on tour because the it's weekendless it's every day is like it's an event even the people that are on tuesday fill in the venue it's an event i suppose you're just going by dates as well you're not going by the days so yeah so i i get a lot more discombobulated then but now that

i'm just back doing the clubs they came up up right on weekends. Yeah. And I'm back home where my wife's at work during the week. Yeah. So I can differentiate easier between the weekend and the midweek. I can. But, like, days of the week just blend into one. Like, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, they've got a real difference. But I was at the Glasgow stand this weekend, just gone, and I had a real fucking moment

where they've come at me fast, where, do you know Thomas Elgin? Thomas Elvin? Thomas Elvin. Big lads, aye. Scottish comic, he's on doing the short spot

in the stand, he's class, he was banging on that spot, right? And he walked in on the second night, so I gigged with him on the first night, the Stanis class he was banging on that spot right and he walked in on the second night so I gigged with him on the first night the second night he walks in

and he just does a big stretch and when he's stretching he goes by the power of Grayskull right and I went how the fuck

do you know the power of Grayskull right and I was just like how do you know he man and he just went oh me mum loves it

oh no oh Jesusesus oh man it was just like you could just see the bullets hitting me chest spread against the well like fucking it fucking it hit us like gunfire because it doesn't seem like that long ago at all since i was with tom stayed and he asked me if I knew Rush the band yeah and I was like oh my dad loves Rush

and I watched I watched the bullets hit Tom yeah and I was like oh that fucking bullet fire came back real

fucking quick yeah there's a hell of a difference between your dad and Tom liking Rush though why the fuck does his mum like he-man like it's such a bizarre fandom to have like because because my dad still plays

rush around the house it's not like it's not like my generation just still periodically put he-man yeah yeah i and his mum was she constantly getting He-Man on in the house? Like, it's like, what, it seems my sister's called Battle Cat after. Green and yellow cat waxing with a saddle on. Oco's running around and Chul's running around

the house. Oco? Oco, where's Oco? Oco's up the wee furry thing. Ah, yeah. Fairy? You're thinking of Snarf from Funeral Cats? I'm thinking of Snarf, aye. was Ogre Ogre's that wee like wizard furry thing yeah fairy you're thinking of

Snarf I'm thinking of Snarf sorry I am so I am which is actually like the fucking like the

drawn parallels with each other with that weren't they yeah they were like oh we need a little fuckwit that's gonna kick around

yeah because Mumra was Thundercats Mumra was the Skeletor fucking hell they're the same show they're the same show yeah they're exactly the same show Because Mum Ra was Thundercats. Mum Ra was the Skeletor. Fucking hell, they're the same show. They're the same show, yeah.

They're exactly the same show. Pat Throws Man At Arms. Yeah, it's exactly the same show. Wait, no. Wait, what a fucking rip-off. Which one was first? I'm going to say He-Man was first. He-Man, I'm fairly certain He-Man was first. And then somebody was like,

I've got a better idea. He-Man was first. He-Man, I'm fairly certain He-Man was first. And then somebody was like, yeah, I've got a better idea. He-Man with cats. Here is who, here is who, He-Man with cats. Instead of Oakwood, we'll have Snarf. Man-at-Arms is going to be a panther. Not the panther as you think of it, bald and grey. You know, nothing like a panther.

You know, nothing. You know, the panther, the black, sleek animals. Nothing like that. Grey. You know how they're panther? They're black, sleek animals. Not like that. Grey, spiky shoulder pads. Nothing like a panther. Why do we never query the fact that Panthro wasn't a panther? Yeah, that's true. Panthro was, at best...

At best, he was one of them like kind of Egyptian cats that I've got yeah what's the ones with no eye what are they called sphinx is it sphinx

cats um something I don't know they've probably got like a more sophisticated name but I think we

just got an eye sphinx cat eye the ones that look like ornaments they're weird those things Marlena had two

remember that yeah our agent had two of these sphinx cats and they used to used to just cut cut about the house like they were haunting

the place because you can't stroke them because you're just stroking skin you can but it's like it's like stroking a bald head

yeah yeah yeah you can stroke them but it's like using an eight ball yeah yeah weird looking fucking things I think they were Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can stroke them, but it's like using an air ball. Yeah, yeah.

Ah, weird looking fucking things. I think they were going to make a He-Man, because they did make a He-Man film with Dolph Lundgren. It was He-Man. So they did. It was going to be Schwarzenegger, though. I felt like it was a sci-fi. Did it have spaceships in that?

Yeah, yeah, I was fairly... But was He-Man not quite sci-fi? I can't imagine. My that? Yeah, yeah, that was fairly. But was He-Man not quite sci-fi? I can't imagine. My lack of knowledge of He-Man, I thought it was a lot stronger than that. Because I'm nothing like Thomas Alvin's man. I left it in the past. I'm even still wheeling out, you know.

I've got guests around. Come on, watch He-Man. Because he must have, she must have used that expression in the house at some point. Oh, the same way my mum would have went,

give me strength. Yeah. Give me strength. By the power of Grayskull, will you two stop fighting? Oh, that's funny, man. Hi. How were the gigs?

Were they good? Class. Hi. Really good. A couple of chatterboxes, but no offensive. I remember seeing Nick Revel do a line before where I couldn't tell if it was his line off, it was he was using stock.

But I haven't seen it enough, I haven't seen it like since to know that it was stock. So I'll credit Nick Revel, but it might be stock. Where he said to somebody, you're just enjoying yourself too much. It's like, it's not that the way, the way in the field, you know, when they respond to a talk or a thing, he's like, it's hard to put way the way you know when they respond yeah yeah yeah he's like

it's hard to put you down because you're just enjoying yourself but you're enjoying yourself too much it's like you know if I was to have a shit in a public

swimming pool I'd really enjoy it but everybody else would have to get out yeah that's nice and I thought it was a fucking delta lake

yeah that is good and it was that it was that level of like I kinda it was this lassie in Yeah, that is good. And it was that level of like, I kind of, it was this lassie in the front row that was with her daughter. And her name was Terry. And I had a bit about pedo Terry that used to live on me estate.

You heard us do that bit. It's fairly new. It's a new bit. I'll tell you the bit. It's a bit where I'll tell you the bit it's it's it's a bit where I talk about the word estate is a different word depending on

your class depending on your class right so if I said to a posh person I started hanging around with some lads on the other side of the estate they'd be like

oh well you're hunting guinea fowl yeah it's abundant this season yeah you've got land and I'm like nah mate I've been pelting eggs at pedo terry's kitchen window and then and then uh you know what's what's actually funny about this joke right

the only thing that's a joke about it is i've changed his name from jerry to protect the innocent to protect him because I didn't think he was a pedo that's where the joke ends when I look back on my childhood we called him that but I didn't think he was

and I've got more on that I've got more on why we called him that which I'll not which I'll not yeah fuck it all episodes they'll have to come

to me Glasgow Comedy Festival show on the 13th of March for the rest of that joke but I changed his name to Terry this last one was in the front row it was called terry and she like it was almost like saying her name activated her yeah

yeah yeah oh my name is terry i'm on i'm part of this show so it just meant that i had like i had to use the like the gig was kind of classic for like for the rest of the audience no it didn't derail in any way but it just meant that you had to be using different gears in your head all right you're going through the bit going right this might not have the momentum that it needs to get the end of it all right because i'm gonna have to put out this little fire that keeps coming yeah if i pour too much on the fire that they they take credit for the laughs that's the thing yeah if you can get a big laugh off shutting them up they're like look what we did we we got a big laugh. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, it's a team effort. It's a team effort and they get cocky and they put it in so there's like that fine line

between like putting them down and getting a laugh off them and making them know they're not part of a team. Aye, aye.

So it was, there was a bit of that but aye, the gigs were lush. Ah, nice. Because you didn't get much of that opening

for Danny. No. In theatres. You don't, you don't get, no, you don't get anybody. that opening for Danny no in theatres you don't you don't get no you don't get anybody do you compare it

you don't really get drunks like I haven't dealt with drunks in a while fuck aye it'll be a different skill

people will have a drink yeah but they're not drunks yeah yeah because especially even

you're good on the airwaves in the show often it's like a seven o'clock kick off and I'm on first

so like in Israel this is the stand as well so it's not even a hard one in Israel skills I developed when I was coming through doing junglers

in the hyena remember the hyena oh Christ yeah yeah holy shit like that was the bear pit yeah so you develop them skills but it was like

when I was on I was like oh I'm gonna need the old tools aye aye I know let's get the van I know you know you're measuring up a job you're like i didn't bring them tools let's just go back chipping concrete off it just i wonder if that still works i think you're feeling the weight of it and i remember this old thing like i was good with this used to know me where i run this see when you're doing gigs in like i mean I imagine I know the answer to America

but when you're doing gigs in Europe and stuff do folk do you notice a difference in the drinking attitudes of the audience em you know what

because I've never done club gigs I've never done club gigs out there but even like even like the tour shows would tour audiences here

drink more than they would in like Latvia and fucking It's hard to say, it feels like it feels like the Americans are a bit more drunk but not because they interfere in anything like that Because they can't drink

They've had one beer You know what, I've got a bit more respect for the Americans drinking now now that I know what they constitute as a shot. Right, because they get three pours. The three pour, the shots, and you get like a full, like normally you would be like, wait, that would also be with a mixer.

Yeah. To give you like a, so. Ah, right, right, right, yeah. Whereas we have shots, we'll have like a certain measure of a shot, which means that you could go out and you go, oh, I had fucking 10 shots last night. Right. And it feels like a lot of shots, but if you out and you go I had fucking 10 shots last night and it feels like a lot of shots

but if you go out to America and had 10 shots last night you're like you absolutely didn't have 10 of them I had 15 pints

of vodka you've spunk your load super early with the shots so I've got I think it's a myth that they kind of

drink because their portion control is wrong and I mean that counts for everything drink because their portion control is wrong and I mean that counts for everything with America your portion control is wrong

yeah you do everything in abundance I'm going to I'm going to Liverpool this weekend and every every year my brother

comes away with me for one weekend so it's a different city to pick Liverpool and it'll probably good choice it'll be the first time I think that I'll

I'll do shots in ages because it will be one of those nights where you go you didn't already do shots we'll just fucking go for it nah

because it's not really I don't know because I will take sometimes you've got audience members will come up and give you a shot after the show

and I'll take them as a as a courtesy but on but uh and i don't want to be rude yeah yeah i think i've got to drive back to glasgow six and a half hour drive for the road yeah the kids are in the car it's on fire the kids are in the car and i forgot to crack a window but okay but it is winter we winter but I know I wouldn't I wouldn't normally drink shots in and out. Are you actually going for it?

Probably will aye Aye and is your brother a big drinker? He can be aye aye when he's we've had some clack like we've done other cities we've done we did Cardiff the last time just pre Christmas before pandemic. That's a a shout that was a fucking

belter that's a city where I've lit up the beacon and took friends before where I've like went and been jolly mates I've been there with

Ricketts I've been there with Matty I'm like look lads I'm at Cardiff this weekend it's absolute class

this is the one you're going to want to jump on the gig's fucking exceptional the nightlife's mint it's a different game

it's a different game Cardiff on a night out it's It's a different game, it's a different game, Cardiff on a night out. Like, it's just, it's fucking feral. Aye. Like, it's proper.

Yeah, the people come in from the valleys and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can always,

you can always see them like marauders, just, and you get, you get absolute fucking, story junkies in Cardiff as well. Yeah, yeah, you do,

You can always look around the barn and go, what the fuck, there's panthro, there's panthro? Panthro's here? I guarantee you can go out on a night out in Cardiff and spot panthro. Oh, aye. Absolutely can.

The skinhead with the neck and the fucking head muscles. Spiky muscles. Spiky muscles, aye. I guarantee you're going to spot them on a night out in Cardiff aye

oh there's some absolute beasts and they're just the women the valley girls

they'll hit your legs up against the wall shaggy against the chin oh

but the Liverpool's another one It's a good night out Aye It should be good Working class cities How you notice the theme? The theme? The theme of like

Where's a good night out Aye aye It's the cities That are a bit more industrial Oh of course Aye Aye Because folk know

How to enjoy themselves I've got a theory About Pavements In different cities Right industrial. Oh, of course, aye. Because folk know how to enjoy themselves. I've got a theory about pavements in different cities, right? Do you know, you see when you're walking along in certain cities, and it's been raining, and the ground's really, really

slippy, I've noticed in like, what would be seen by some as shittier cities, like more working class cities, more drunken cities it's a lot more slippery than the rest of them I've never noticed this but I'm listening

Right, Glasgow and Newcastle are two perfect examples, right you walk along the street trainers with very little grip on them fucking all over the place, like Bambi right, whereas if you go to a place like Oxford fucking, you could honest to god you could run like you're stuck to the ground because it's like the rubber and i don't know of a racetrack i don't know whether it's just then you got the

end brand it's cobbled yeah yeah exactly i don't know whether it's i don't know if it's it's just the lack of facilities like i don't i don't know if they're not cleaned as well because not enough money's been put in it. Or if... Or they make it easy to wash vomit off. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, the streets are laminated? Or they might make it, like, it might be like a police measure.

If, like, some people can't make you get away. Can't run away police have got like special shoes that they wear that they put little plungers on them

little sticky like thousands of little tiny little sticky plungers on the bottom of their boots you can hear them

like when they're running everyone else jockeying on the spot like a Looney Tunes character little little little character legs just fucking circling around

trying to outrun the law and yeah you're going to go to a Liverpool match as well trying yeah I put out a desperate desperate plea this morning

to all scousers to say activate the lids from the have a win the lids yeah because I don't I don't even know

it's been so long since I've been to a premiership game I don't even know how easy it is to get tickets for those kind of things so Newcastle tickets

at the minute like the fly off the shelf like it sells you in every game regardless just because there's a fucking it's buoyant

because since Mike Ashley's gone and especially now we're hitting winning ways I had to sign up to a membership because I don't have

a season ticket so I didn't get the privileges but I signed up to a membership and you get 24 hour early access and I have to be there

at like 10 in the morning when it comes out to like get online tickets sat together I think that's even going to change

where I'm toying with getting a season ticket even though because of my job I'll not be able to go to every game and

sell me tickets on a weekly basis that I can go just so that I don't have to join a shit fight to get a seat for the match I'm thinking

about doing that me and my pal are looking at it but I know that I'm going to get the Wolves on the 8th of April and I'm going to have to be 10 o'clock in the morning

there on the dot on Tuesday coming. Yeah. So I don't know if you've got any Scouse mates who are a member. It might just be as easy as that. I know. I mean, I've got a good couple of feelers out now. Yeah. So my brother's got a couple.

He's found a couple of links as well contacts and I was got reduced to two per person so I can only buy two tickets it's not like I could buy a bunch of them so there's four of them going so two are going to be there looking for the same block at least getting the same

so we can have a pint together at half time do you remember that buying tickets for concerts and that was always what you had to do I'd be on at nine in the morning fucking

I used to do that work all the time it's a fucking buzz when you get them oh god yeah doesn't it feel class if you like oh absolutely

because I've I've gotten M&M tickets in the past when like in the fucking 2003 yeah yeah yeah yeah

when I've gotten a hold of them tickets, I've just felt like a fucking god. Oh, you're this year, weeks. I would say, like, you know, especially when you're younger as well, like other people's jealousies currency. Yeah. And you know it.

That's me. Is that you? That must be me, aye. Aye, because mine's not. It's Dean, I'll ring him back. Fucking, I forgot I had that turned up up I had that turned up from when we talked to Gav about his belly button

corned beef I'll get him back that's one of what many agents were in there we're so popular we've got nine fucking agents one of what many agents were in there yes what agents are going through a merger at the minute yep

we're so popular we've got nine fucking agents it's like Molly and I passes on to Dean who passes on to me the details from your

flight to Dublin yeah I was thinking about like I've just hired a PA could you pass them on to her and then she'll hand

them to me wife and then I'll get them Dublin is another class city to take folk to. Aye, I'm going there next weekend and Ryan Cullen's on the same bill. Oof. So, fucking ruined.

Are you both staying in the flat? Aye, which I think is funny because I'm not giving up the bed. No. Right, the Dublin flat. Let's talk about the Dublin flat, right? It's got knee-natural light. No. It's fucking slap- talk about the Dublin flat, right? It's got knee-natural light. No.

It's fucking slap-bang in the city centre, right? So class. You're right in the middle of the city. Yeah. But it's on, if anybody... I shouldn't give away the destination. No, I wouldn't as well, I know. But it's down a back alley.

Yeah. A proper dodgy. A proper dodgy as fuck. I've never walked through it and not seen like people shooting up yeah yeah yeah yeah like you walk through it it's just

it's got activity in the doorways ah day anyone's bothering you on out but every like I didn't feel right when we last stayed

I know I didn't feel I wasn't okay with that no it was one where one of the nights where she stayed in the flat

and I went to the game ah it's not and I felt deeply uncomfortable like it's it's it's prime real estate that you're close to the game and I felt deeply uncomfortable it's prime real estate that you're close

to the bars you can't out drink in your file back in your flat you're close to the club but it's just this little dark corner of Dublin

that you don't want to shine a light on I bet it costs a fortune as well I bet it costs fucking loads I had to phone the police one night

one weekend I was in it I saw a guy getting fucking mugged outside like like directly outside the bedroom window

wow I heard commotion and I saw a guy just basically getting held up oh that's a grim excuse you don't want to get out phone the guard

yeah that couldn't have been any less of a fuck they couldn't give a shit do they have do they have the same number or do they because they're like fucking Americans,

aren't they? So are they 911? I don't know what they are, actually. 911. No, that's Northern Ireland. I was going to do that. What is Southern Ireland? That was white.

Oh, the hill. 911. 0800 911. Just call any number. 333. 333. 0800 911 just call any number 333

so yeah they can't through the phone book for the police yeah I feel like it's quite degraded that they call the police

guards there because you know when like you take the piss with the security guards it's like oh they're wanting to be cops

whereas they just carry on calling them guards yeah they're just like ah the guards whatever aye

they carry guns though they do overcompensate for being called wardens park park and wardens aye aye but you can stick

because but you shouldn't give up the bed because Colin Colin I've got here I've got here I'm going to put him in a little basket in the corner and when it's time for him to get up But you can stick But you shouldn't give up the bed Because Colin I'm going to put him in a little basket in the corner And when it's time for him to get up I'm going to play the flute He's going to pop

He's going to pop Like one of those dancing sunflowers The sunflowers that you clap in the start Give them the beans Because the size of Colin You could stick him in the cupboard Right next to this ironing board because it looks icicle and you could literally I mean you could stick him in the

cupboard like next to this ironing board and just prop him up like he's not going to next to the boiler yeah yeah yeah

I just I just got to open the door in the morning he's just coiled around a broom shank he's shed a skin I'm like

oh fucking you've laid eggs out of our floor that's the thing and some of them are still bubbling out of his neck

and landing on the floor so I mean cold I was in that flat one time I was I was in that flat and

I went I went outside for a smoke and I was I was shit faced did I talk about this recently I can never remember if I've pressed record one thing I hate the most is when

we tell the same story twice on the podcast it doesn't matter if there's years between it but if it's in quick succession we went through a spell there where Danny just kept saying the same shit about Joe Rogan I might as well have just put it on a button now we're going to have Daniel same shit about Joe Rogan I might as well have just put it on a button aye now we're going to have

Daniel Sloss' Joe Rogan break Rogan I think man we're losing followers yeah but I went out out for a smoke and

when you're a hamad and you take a drop of a cigarette and you just heave and spew it up on me feet right

that's where I was no I was I spewed it up on my feet and this guy come up and he just fucking asked if I had any feet right I was that that's where I was no I was I spewed up on my feet and this guy come up and he just fucking asked if I had any spare cigarettes I was like

I ain't need proper mate I'm fucking spewed out on my feet I'm trying to fumble I give him a cigarette like that and he's like oh cheers bunny lad

I was like yeah I'll have another one I'll have a couple I'm not gonna need them and he just hands on his way and then I just saw him stop and he went

yeah mate do you want a lane that'll sort you out I was like mate you fucking champion I'm in this fucking crackhead alley this guy's coming

I don't know I was in the bag it was definitely coke yeah it was definitely coke I fucking took a lane I picked right back up I went back in

next thing you're sucking him off hate that alley I'm like that Dave Chappelle routine when I come back in there Natalie's like how was Dublin I'm like that Dave Chappelle routine when I come back in there and Natalie's like how was Dublin and I was like I was out fucking women

what's Danny's why's Danny got such a beef against Joe Rogan I think it was just his fucking misuse of his platform to fucking stir up the right. It's like fucking selling it to the QAnon cunts, isn't it?

I think it was just that. I mean, you could listen to any episode from circa six months ago. Just pick an episode out of like a full three-month range and you'll hear all about it. I'm not going to go back over it. I've got no beef with some man there i don't really know much of his his work i get my right wing stuff from a lot of other people

i'm old school right wing i go to the classics you know what's funny you know how you've got these right wing comedians that are just kind of like acting as if they're stepping out but they're actually like they've got an audience and they know it there's an audience for right wing out there you can tell by the way people have voted

yeah yeah yeah so they're always going against whatever the left are saying and some of them now are like just to be contrarians going like pro Russia

that's incredible on the invasion of Ukraine I saw it last night yeah I've seen these fucking, like, guys that have made a whole, like, they've made their whole identity online going against what the left has said.

And now, like, you're too far gone now, mate. You're on the wrong side of the war. You're ready to be a comedian and now you're on the wrong side of a fucking conflict. Yeah. I've seen a few pro-Putin things. Like, I saw something last night

talking about how much better it would be if Trump was in charge during all of this. I like... You're like, going, what, the guy that was pals with Putin? How the fuck would he be there? You're like, we don't know what side he would have been on. Yeah. No one can say.

Yeah. Because I wouldn't be 100% sure that he'd be On his side Exactly Aye Because there's still There's still that You remember that video That existed of Trump

When he was in Russia And he had the prostitutes And they were pissing on him Like Apparently that video Does exist Does exist So

That's the last thing you want If a guy Like That's pretty much One of the That's one of the biggest things someone can hold over you. A video of you doing something dodgy sexually. You don't want that.

I feel like he was at the point, in his pomp, he was at the point where a video of him pissing on prostitutes, it would have just got him in Sarah Pascoe's book. prostitutes like it would have just got him in Sarah Pascoe's book you want a little paragraph hit the better button bitter

I don't think I don't think it would be that bad like because I mean it's not like he's not already hated by people that don't

support him anyway so like you say what difference would a video of him being with Russian prostitutes really have made

he had the like he had the support where like nothing's gonna rock this the only thing that I believe

like knocked him off the top really was they get activated to people that were against him that might not have voted I just think like I don't know the vote figures I'm just speculating here

I don't know don't get your news from me but I feel like people had to go oh fuck he's got critical mass here he's got people he's got people

that'll follow him blindly into the war for Russia alongside Russia right so everyone's like fuck we've got this mental cunt in charge we now need to vote to get him out and I feel like it was more of an uprising of like

fence sitters that that outed him because anybody that sticks by him probably still sticks by him now yeah exactly aye if you're that much entrenched then have you heard word of him since erm

I saw he said the other day that Putin was a genius he does because he does press conferences now and again does he

because I've never seen they've done a really good job of just deplatforming him from any fucking like I've never seen anything about him on Twitter I've never seen him

come up on any like Facebook videos he gets kicked off he gets kicked off Twitter aye but he said there was like a new but I still thought right wing social media I've never seen him come up on any Facebook videos. He got kicked off. He got kicked off Twitter. But he said there was a new right-wing social media platform that was starting that he was going to rule. So he's the king of the shit heap somewhere. Yeah, basically.

Keep an eye on them, though. Keep an eye on them cunts that are in their own little forums. There's enough of them to be a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just go,

out of sight, out of mind. I don't, I don't ignore the weirdos, Lex, because, there's too many weirdos. Weirdos find weirdos,

and then, do you see the, that's how it all started, it was like 4chan and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I listen to a documentary about all that. Was it the BBC Sounds one? Yeah, it's fucking amazing. Yeah, I listen to that. Yeah. Shout it out the BBC sounds one yeah it's fucking amazing yeah I listened to that yeah it's called it's called The Coming Storm it's amazing

it's absolutely amazing em do you see the did you see that thing in the it was reported over the weekend in the Ukraine there was like he was getting called

the ghost of Kiev he was a fighter player that had apparently shot down like nine Russian MiGs I love shit like that man and then and then it turns out like all the footage was taken from like call of duty and shit like that oh good fucking like it wasn't real it wasn't even real the ghost of ukraine was a fucking yeah it's just for the hell just boost the spirit it's like because i love shit like love you know like the red baron

oh yeah yeah yeah I mean he was on the opposite side yeah yeah yeah he's a good guy but that mythical like

that mythical soldier or the mythical guy you can't it's just like yeah you heard about because it's almost like it gets to the point of like

greek mythology yeah achilles like where there's somebody there's somebody even the ghost of k mythology. Achilles. Where there's somebody out there. Even the ghost of Kiev. It's a cool fucking name, that. If you're known as the ghost of Kiev.

Fucking hell. I went through a little spell of studying World War I. And I loved the little stories. There was a guy who was in the trenches for the Allies right and what had become was this unspoken ceasefire when smoke was coming

from the trenches because that's when you're cooking and having your dinner so it's the smoke coming from your trenches right because you're sizzling bacon or whatever the Germans wouldn't chill you and then it was reciprocated by the allies so there was just this like they would shoot them when they're eating let them have that dinner that's right and this had developed over the course of like a patch of the war yeah this particular part of the

trenches right and then um and then one of the lads who must have been fucking suicidal walked over the trenches sat down had, had dinner with the Germans. And they were like, we're kind of kill him because then the dinner time ceasefires over. Fucking hell. So they fucking had dinner with him. The balls. And he whacked Bakawa with a belly full and had his dinner Bakawa here and there. Whether it's true or not not the fact that story reached

it reached books the story like I was reading I think it was like the guns of August or something that's amazing but the fact that

like that story is now in literature whatever the story spawned from like the fucking story that we're telling now came from whatever the fuck happened

that's class and I love shit like that there was another one where there was this young scouse lad right and there was a fucking there was a one where there was this young scouse lad right and there was a fucking there was a soldier

on leave like he'd been sent back home and he was due to get back out right and this young scouse lad who was like 13 years old

and his brother and now his fucking mates were old enough and they were out fighting in the trenches and he gets this kid this actual soldier drunk in a bar

this 13 year old gets him fucking mullered right texts his fucking shit his papers and all that and fucking gets this actual soldier, drunk in a bar, this 13 year old, gets him fucking mullered, right, texts his fucking shit, his papers and all that, and fucking gets his cell all the way out there, Germany,

or Belgium, or wherever the fuck he was going, and just walked down the trenches until he phoned his brother, he fucking sorted his salute, to get to war, from home, as a kid,

Jesus, imagine, he got sent, like apparently, like the fund who, like the fund him, and realised he was like too young to be at war, from home, as a kid. Jesus. Imagine, you got sent, yeah, but like, apparently like, the fund who, like, the fund them,

and realised he was like, too young to be at war, and all that, and sent him back. That's amazing, man. But imagine, you're just fucking at war,

and all that, and you're passing, and you're like, stish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fuck are you doing here,

funny lad? Thought you were at school. Fucking hell, man man I'm fairly certain my grandparents my both my granddads were too young to be what then

what was it was it 16 no idea probably fairly certain most of them were too young either way

even if it was 16 right that's that's kids that oh christ you know I think people, when they think about, like,

oh, war heroes and all that, they think of, like, fucking Willem Dafoe, whatever. Aye, exactly, aye. Like a grizzled old vet, right? They don't think of just, like, scared young'uns. No, no. And when they're like,

oh, these war heroes and all that, like, I bet a lot of them didn't come back feeling like heroes because I bet a lot of them were actually just curled up in the mud, crying, shitting their pants. Aye, totally, aye. And they made it home and everyone held them a hero

and they're like, I fucking never even fired a bullet. I was scared and all that. Aye. I bet there's a reality, like, obviously, like, the hero's for even just fucking being there. Like, you don't need to take that away from them. I'm not trying to take away what happened. But I...

You pussies. I bet you it wasn't the fucking bite down on the gun shield march forward fucking shoot-outs. No, it wouldn't be the Hollywood war. Yeah, yeah. They're not whacking around like fucking me at Lear's Equest. They're shit scared

because they're going to die if they get hit, right? And the kids... The kids, like, I think the fucking reality... The reality of war is fucking cold, man. I bet you none of them

are coming back and getting their medals and all that kind of stuff. I just shot myself in, man. I bet you none of them are coming back and getting their medals and all that kind. I just shot myself in the field. I shot me bullets out of the head to the enemy because I didn't want to kill anyone. There you are, there's your medal. That's why you're coming back alive.

My son did Laser Quest for the first time last weekend. And you've got to pick a name at the start of it so there's like suggested names you can put in your own names so there's like fucking there's like

all of them the ghost of Dumfries yeah so there's like there's all the Star Wars names there's all Iron Man all that kind of shit

and then there's various all Marvel characters and all that kind of stuff i was so tempted to just shagger just to see just just to see sex just to see fucking even even if he wasn't even close to the top just for them to read around and go skywalker chewbacca, Shaggar. Just him standing there. That would be so funny. Bottler,

didn't do it. What, right, okay, if you put that, what kind of trouble do you think you'd be in? What would be the real world ramifications of putting Shaggar? I think,

six year olds. I think the other, some of the other dads would find it funny aye but then it's mostly it was mostly mums there aye and then you're just

it's deeply inappropriate oh like that means he's been he's been a victim of a sexual assault yeah how else could he shag it's not like

it's not like even if he shags a woman then that's it that means he's been assaulted by the woman that was always that's always a weird it's always a weird debate that where

if it's a teacher if it's a if it's a male teacher and a 16 year old lassie at school that's deeply wrong whereas if it's a female teacher and a 16 year old lassie at school that's deeply wrong whereas if it's a female teacher and a 16 year old lad

meh that's a bad this hypothetical debate me and Mark are going to have is deeply covered in caveats like we know it's all wrong it shouldn't be done it shouldn't be wrong just to assume that half of the course if i was 15 and mrs stevenson decided that she was

gonna shag me and then buy me an xbox to keep me quiet i would murder the snitch who stopped it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah is mrs stevenson she was that made up yeah that was she was quite a hot teacher oh right I didn't know whether you'd changed her name like you did with

Pedo Jerry she did she changed it to Mrs Hall fucking cow I thought she only had eyes for me and she went

she either got married or got witness protection either way either way that means she fucked somebody else. But the teacher, and this is the thing, I think there may be a little bit of, there may be a little sexism, a little bit of sexism

towards our attitude towards that, which is such a fucking laddish attitude to get on. If it happened to a boy, that lad's a fucking gangster. The girl's a victim if it's happened to a girl but I bet you there's a lot of girls that are like 15 that like fucking use their mind

a lot better than boys know that oh Christ I where the boys girls are a hell of a lot more mature the boys like the fucking like the one that is

is more childlike in their ways than the girl the girl would have like like there's probably a lot of sexism in that

in that we find a difference that we go the boy's a legend and the girl's have like there's probably a lot of sexism in that we find a difference that we go the boy's a legend and the girl's the victim yeah yeah yeah oh that's massive sexism yeah and it definitely is wrong like neither of us are advocating this we're just saying there's different attitudes between if it's a female

teacher or if it's a male teacher and it's true there's different attitudes yeah and there shouldn't be it's all wrong and if it's a male teacher and it's true there's different attitudes yeah and there shouldn't be it's all wrong and if it's a male teacher and a male boy fine absolutely fine they're just having

a great time coming from a catholic school absolutely fine nothing wrong with that whatsoever so we'll manoeuvre through that

totally fine we'll say we're like the ghost of Kiev there I military manoeuvred when we were. We're like the ghost of Kiev there. Aye, military manoeuvre. We're way through saying that it was okay to molest a child as long as it's a boy.

We're not saying it's okay, deeply low in cowlats, but we are saying we feel like society views it differently. Yes. Which it shouldn't. Still. But if it had been made at 15 yeah but then there's also

that it's very much laced in and dressed up in like that kind of American Pie type

deal of a older woman seducing a younger do you know what I mean it is that kind of telling your pals you're a fucking legend whereas

in reality it's probably quite of telling your pals you're a fucking legend whereas in reality it's probably quite horrific yeah and you you probably like let's let's unpack it to its reality

you're probably like gonna have like a really jarred view of sex and yeah yeah you're being accelerated through

awkwardly kissing a girl at the school disco and then fumbling together both figuring out while you've both still got spots that the like figuring out simple stuff like when I first

when I first think of the girl I was expecting the vagina to be on the front and I ended up like rubbing a hill for the front and I ended up rubbing her hill for a bit before I realised Rubbing her what? The hill? The mound? The hill?

The mound? The pitcher's mound? The grassy knoll? Fucking hell. Fumbling the grassy knoll? You get accelerated past all of that like you don't even get you don't even get it going

through your your fumbling arc of discovery yeah you're getting thrown in you just get fast tracked by a fucking someone in a position of power

that's exactly what they're doing you're getting thrown in with a legend it's like your first your first fight being the undertaker I don't know fucking

I don't know what I'm doing not prepared for this yeah and then like and then all your relationships are probably going to be a bit

more fucked up after that I'm not a psychologist I'm just saying you're probably getting robbed of a little

bit of the innocence of discovery if you get molested by a grown adult I'm new with these ideas

nobody's even thought of this before it's definitely wrong though I love that we go I think we manoeuvre through that main field and then I just ran back through it

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we got through it forgot my keys someone else is new what have you been up to I was in Glasgow I went to

I was near I was in Teesside on Thursday night oh nice a place called Stainton Stainton aye

do you know it nah sounds like Teesside rough rough as fuck it was when I turned up at the venue

the venue was in a hotel and it had two ambulances outside and it's never a good sign when the ambulances are already there

already at the hotel and eh you haven't even had a heart attack yet yeah it was fucking mental man couple split up while I was on stage

oh nice which is nice were you complicit was it happening around you or was it happening because of you? I wasn't... I didn't cause it, but I didn't help.

Ah, nice. I kind of commentated and goaded it. Well, if you're going to say it publicly when someone's got a mic. But the guy was a proper bail-in, so... And they also pissed me off

by calling me Irish as soon as I went on. Do you get a... Do you not like that if people call you Irish? Nah, because it's not I don't think it's it's quite

it's quite common in em in Australia for people to mistake me for being Irish because me mam you know like the same things

give us that like I I think I think em there's certain things I'm never offended by that yeah but yeah if someone was to like

say are you from yeah Birmingham yeah yeah fuck off ah yeah yeah so as a scottish man i'm not i mean i don't to be honest i don't care it's just a it's a funny bit at the start because you can immediately play off the fact that they're racist so so they did that and then I commented on that and then I think very much like you were saying the guy at this point had then taken that and run with it and gone alright this is

a wee double act we've got going now and then we shut the fuck up you were going to laugh that he thought it was his and then it was a back and forth and then she started getting mad with him for constantly talking and then he was a prick to her and then at one point he fucking

slammed his pint down and just stormed out. Smash it I think. No, just like fucking launched down. They don't give people glass and paper. I'm mad. But it was mental man. Did she stay?

She stayed. And then it's awkward because she's then on her own and everyone's going how long left is this

and there was almost like 10 minutes left but it was a long 10 minutes for everybody I had a lassy I had a lassy storm out in hot water

once because I was taking another bit of day about the lads shouting punching when I'm in the taxi queue and they shout punching to us. And the lassie was like, like him, with her boyfriend. And I leaned in, come under the light, looked at them and went, nah. Because she'd called us a lot. Yeah, exactly.

I didn't even take a look at it I was like nah because that's the funny thing to be she didn't have no fucking storm route I was like what fancies this I had somebody walk out a proper commotion as well

complaints and shit afterwards at hot water and I thought it was me and the staff thought it was me as well and I was fucking shitting and the staff thought it was me as well and i was fucking shitting myself because i was like that's not like the bit i do about um there's a bit i do about teaching my son to swim and how i would come up under the water and grab him and like a shark attack right and uh i grabbed the wrong kid and then i only realized and then i apologized to parents and the punchline is i couldn't even claim it was a genuine,

understandable mistake because my son's got blonde hair and he's not Chinese, right? So that's the joke, right? When I go up, the bouncers and the, I can't remember who was in charge that night, were kind of going, oh, yeah, folks. I could see commotion fucking storming out. And they were, people had left and they were like oh it's because that because the chinese bit you do i was like what chinese bit and i end with the swimming and i was like all i said was the

word chinese like i had to pick yeah i had to pick something that is so far away because my son is so pale and so blonde haired i was like right like so it's not racist to say that your son doesn't look chinese exactly yeah so uh and they were like yeah they were they were chinese as well so um they were proper furious about it like complaining i was like right i'm really sorry like i didn't i didn't understand and then i went downstairs for a drink and then they came down and went, oh no, no, it wasn't you. Some guys, some guys from behind them were giving them fucking shit for something else. And I was like, well, thanks.

I mean, I could have walked away tonight thinking I'd committed a fucking hate crime. And all it was, was the guy behind him had bumped into him and spilt his pint. So they'd been arguing all the way through. Wouldn't buy him a new one. And I was like, what the fuck, man? That's the worst.

Yeah, you don't want to feel like you've hurt anyone in the crowd, especially like that. No, God no, especially if it's completely, like if, trust me,

if I want to offend people, I will. I had, you know when I used to do the bit with the hat, where I was like, I can't wear a hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it looks like I'm terminally ill. And I like, I put the hat on in order like I can't wear a hat yeah yeah yeah because it looks like I'm terminally ill and I like put the hat I put the hat on I'm terminally ill right I'd done that it was at a it was at a ski resort

it was like in Courchevel or something like that I was out doing the taking the piece to gigs and they do like a kind of tour of different resorts and then there's like

kind of older older British bloke I can't remember where from but he'd just come up and he was just like good set mate, but, didn't,

didn't do the cancer joke, like, my friend died of cancer, and it's just, it really, it's really inappropriate to do jokes about cancer and all that,

and I was just like, hello mate, like, do you think you're the only person that's been affected by cancer? No, I know, I know.

Is this like a really unique to you situation? Like, I'm fucking, do you think, I've never in my life ever had anything to do, like, it's you think i've never in my life ever had anything to date like it's just been something that completely off the table for me yeah like to

just assume that cancer hasn't affected my life yeah exactly yeah yeah fuck man like you can't you can't just take the thing that was like offensive to you there in fact it wasn't even offensive like i wasn't making fun of people with cancer no of course you weren't no you can't you can't you can't pick and choose what you find acceptable you either don't like at all or you can't you can't just go that's that one that's the one thing that's too far for me well fair enough if it's too far for you then i'm sorry but it's not I'm not going to stop it because there's something that you laughed at a minute ago that's too far for someone else I remember when I first discovered

that was about like people getting offended about their thing it was Gary Delaney was on at Punch Drunk 2009 it would have been so I'd like not long since started

and just started running these gigs and there was a lassie I worked with she was drunk and I like and she just started crying and just kicking off at the back of the room and all that and there's just this crying lassie she's like you just done a joke about diabetes my dad's got diabetes I was like fuck he done a joke about blind people like if you go to Gary Delaney'saney they're jokes and they're quite clearly jokes because they're fucking structured jokes there's no room for ambiguity with Gary Delaney's stuff

it's not like he's telling you his opinion and then fucking one of them happens to be a hate crime like these are just jokes about different things and she took umbrage to the diabetes and I'm like I saw you laughing at the jokes about the people's ailments. Yeah.

But because that one's very loosely involved with you. Like, it's not like. Yeah, that's how he got nine toes. Just made me start fucking crying your eyes out about that bit. Don't you take the piss out of the left-handed. To like really laser point the thing that affects you and then get upset about that while throwing your head back better than other people's shit is the most fucking egotistical bullshit

that I've ever seen. And then it does happen with people in the crowd. See, I heard people talking on the radio about this and it was after the Jimmy Carr thing and people going on about how, is this offensive, isn't offensive, all this kind of shit. And then basically kind of saying like,

I don't think comedy and jokes deserve this amount of scrutiny and this amount of in-depth analysis because one of the funniest things, right? Now, whether you like it or not, I do quite find it funny. My kids find it fucking hilarious as you've been framed, right? People falling off shit and slipping and all that kind of stuff is funny slapstick's funny somebody falling over on

the street is fucking hilarious like when it's slippery outside you see somebody going up on their arse it's hilarious man i was walking alongside barry castanola in amsterdam and he fucking disappeared out my eye lane he went down like that right he didn't fall but he managed to stop himself and come back up, right? And we're both looking off our shoulder at the same time, and there's a fucking banana skin there. Yeah, I mean, God almighty, that's... My fucking God, did we die laughing.

I was expecting him to step on an upturned rake. Yeah, yeah. I was like, that's like a fucking cartoon fall you just had while we're chatting. Yeah, yeah. But in those scenarios, someone genuinely does get hurt like actually physically get hurt

wouldn't you see you see like a somebody somebody that's like there'll be an an American backyard right

and somebody will come and bounce on the trampoline and the fucking trampoline will give way and it'll throw him rather than throwing him into the pool it'll throw him

straight through a fence right and the guy's fucking lying there crippled. Studio laughter, next video. Yeah, everyone's pissing themselves. It's taking the video. The guy that's holding the camera can barely fucking stand.

Everyone's laughing in the studio. Move on, right? There's a good chance that guy's going to hospital for stitches. That would be funny if just like 10 minutes through you've been framed, right? Like one of the videos, just the studio laughter just dissipates and dies down to nothing

and then the video keeps running and the guy can't get him and like half the fence isn't built so he's coughing and he's fucking screaming and they're like they're calling the paramedics and they're like wrapping stuff around and trying to stop the bleeding like we're now like 45 minutes into you've been framed and half an hour of it's just been this

guy like fucking losing blood and he's getting IV. Getting his leg amputated. Yeah. But is that, so is that acceptable? Like if you're going to dig down into humour that much, is it acceptable to watch someone physically hurt themselves and laugh at it as opposed to someone presenting an idea it is funny when you see a slapstick moment in real life and you'll you'll check before you laugh

you're like the laughter will come and then you'll be like are you all right there mate like i'm chris ferguson who listens to the podcast yeah one of my pals you know chris yeah no chris yeah um we're walking along and he fucking slipped on the ice we're just going to go back on so the dog slipped on his ice and he fell, right? And the instant reaction is like, one of my mates just fell out of a laugh. But like, this is a grown man who's fell over onto the pavement.

We're not kids anymore. You don't get back up from that sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, all right, mate, all right, yeah. I just scuffed my hand and lost a bit of my dignity. I hope you didn't mention it on the podcast. You fucking tet, Chris. Then you check his heart rate and podcast you're a fucking tet grist then you check your tar eight and then you're like why my wife does it she's got like a proper nervous

whenever anything like she should go that kind of laugh at a funeral kind of thing because it's such a nerve-wracking experience and there is the silence and the nervousness. So laughter is the natural kind of thing to do. And so she does that whenever you hurt yourself. And see when it's you that's hurt yourself, it's the most annoying fucking thing in the world. I remember one time. You're trying not to get too serious about it. Aye.

You're trying not to go, babes, my fingers sore. I know, I know, I know. I can't remember what we were doing. We were mucking about something and we were in our old flat

before we had kids and she fucking I think we were like throwing different bits of felt or paint or something at each other

and then at one point she just took it too far and grabbed like a can of deodorant and fucking sprayed it in my eyes right so my eyes

are like stinging I'm like a fucking attacker and I'm going to be like this and she's pissing herself laughing and i'm gonna i'm actually lost my sight here you mad bastard what does it say on the bottle if you get in your eyes then she's lighting a match and just fucking i laughed at a funeral thing i was at a funeral on on monday and um a lot of comedians there it was somebody within the industry

and Elliot Steelgate crashed yeah he didn't know anybody but he was like a couple of my mates are there he didn't he knew the guy as well and because it's all comedians

and because it's that tension and because there's so many funny memories and happy memories like people were having a laugh but like it was such a weird feeling because like it was that jarring, it was that jarring thing of like,

I'm laughing with these people who I haven't seen, it's the fact, you know, sometimes you haven't seen people for three years because of the pandemic. You're instantly feeling like, oh yeah,

how are you doing? How are you being? And then it dawns on you like, why is all coming together? Why? And you feel like shit for your reaction and you're like, you're just in this fucking pocket

of not knowing how to act. You literally don't know how to act because you're genuinely grieving and feeling sad and you're genuinely happy to see people lit up by their presence and that fucking just,

like an included front just makes you have this fucking like cauldron of like emotion that you don't know how to process, right? But everybody's processing it by just like fucking inappropriately laughing instead of cracking the emotion that you don't know how to process right but everybody's processing it by just like fucking inappropriately laughing and stuff cracking the jokes that you shouldn't crack like yeah just comics being comics being deeply inappropriate but every time elliot had a like a proper from the belly laugh i ticked him off for it like quietly i put it on the side i was like

me and his parents are here man you can't be but everyone was doing it his brothers were doing it but every time Elliot did it I was like Elliot whoa Elliot man I went better respect Elliot for fuck's sake

better respect he didn't even know the man what did Elliot wear? shouts it because he I told him because he was like I don't have a suit

and I was like well I'm just wearing a black jumper aye I'm just wearing a black sweater like erm just do something

like that right and then he was like you wore a black sweater and he was like fuck I've left my black sweater on the tube the only thing

that he had I was expecting but he did have a dog shirt underneath it looking like he didn't have one we asked him

on the whatsapp asked him on the whatsapp what did you have on underneath it and he just put an up arrow the man

and then it's down out of the legend rocking up at a funeral with a man and legend yeah you know that funeral as well right I watched because there's so rocking up at a funeral with a man that lets him go yeah you know that funeral as well

right like I watched because there's so many fucking good speeches like his brother his sister his best mate his ma got up

and like his ma crying talking about losing her baby like it was the fucking hardest shit to watch right but I managed to like

stay stoic and like listen to everything without fucking breaking down. And then right at the end, Tim Fitzhiam played the bugle. Oh, yeah, yeah. Out of tune at the end, right? And because it had like such a comedy element to it,

it fucking knocked me god re-doing it. It was clean in the face. I'd fucking sat through all these emotional speeches from family and I ended up like fucking hicking in my seat like this at a badly-tuned bugle. Yeah. Like, it's amazing the fucking, the way a shit can hit you. Aye, aye.

Aye, totally, aye. Aye. And then, because the lad, I don't want to be too candid about it at all, but the lad was a Liverpool fan, and Andrew Maxwell got up and done a speech, and he was a Liverpool fan, and he talked,

he talked through the words of You'll Never Walk Alone. Oh, nice. And like, fucking so emotional, like, you know, like the words just laid down. And then he was just like,

it's so fucking hard to say that without singing it. And then he started like banging the desk and everybody in the room started singing You'll Never Walk Alone.

And me and Danny, we were just like, nah. Nah. Love the man, but I'm not gonna, it were just like nah. Love the man but I'm not going to snort him. Love the man but nah. I'm not singing another football team's fucking... It's too far, Maxwell.

It's not what he would have wanted. He had respect for people. Imagine you just start singing your own songs back. We are the Johnny's. The Johnny Boob Boys. Your support. Your support.

Your support is fucking shit. Singing who's the pedo in the black. To the guy conducting the service. the pedo in the black to the guy conducting the service I would love like a fan base to respond to your supporters with just like no it's not

no it's not our support is really good we have actually organised ourselves really well we're really get behind the lines I'm here every week sometimes get the bus out of the way

from the bottom of the country on a weird day even though I've got work in the morning because they put it midweek for TV coverage and that and I just like

you know what I've really put me back into supporting this club well anyway we've done we've done

now our ride ready Margaret flies by Sydney at night it really does but that does

not stop your dad from getting getting the truth some about to say that's dad jokes yep yes right stop your dad from getting the truth some about to say. That's dad jokes?

Yep. Your dad takes poo bags every time he goes for a walk, but he doesn't have a dog. It's for his own shite. Your dad shaved eggs only into the hair above his arse. Your dad got a semi watching the school nativity but he's not a

pedo he just loves sheep your dad dressed up as Jeremy Clarkson for world book day the fact my dad's getting dressed up

for school book day just to drop the kids off at school sweet jacket and t-shirt pair of bully jeans go on there Hammy go on James your dad eats his soup with a knife and fork your dad won't drive away unless a petrol counter finishes on a multiple of three

another driver one Your dad won't drive away unless a petrol counter finishes on a multiple of three. Another driver one. Your dad always goes out for a drive just so he can wave people out to junctions. But not to be kind, specifically to piss off whoever's behind him. Your dad refuses to shop at the supermarket in case he's mistakenly caught with a paedophile hunter when your dad when your dad dropped you off at school he wouldn't stop the car he'd make you jump out like john mcclain john mcclain he doesn't jump out of a car he doesn't he never jumped out of a moving car in any of his movies fuck off he can juke a hazard or something like that john mcclain's never jumped out of a moving car in any of his movies fuck off he can juke a hazard or something like that John McClane's never

jumped out of a moving car in any of the Die Hard movies no definitely shut up no because he's not even in a car in the first one nor the second one

did he not jump out of a car onto the wing of a Harrier jump jet man I'm fucking astonished if John McClane's never jumped into a car

that's like how funny that day you know you know Bob Iffett he only had something like six minutes of

screen time in the whole trilogy and only said four lines yeah yeah yeah and he felt like such a massive

he's a proper cult character to the point that I had to make a spin off of him yeah right last one your dad did

karaoke last night but changed the word of his favourite song to it's ukrainian men it's ukrainian men

your dad rewinds films on netflix after he's watched them yeah I've got another one your dad makes all of his cups of teas at the beginning of the week and microwaves them as he needs them

and that's the podcast cheers Mark plug your show at the 12th of March the day before Cais Saturday 12th of March I have five work in progress gig at the stand class and then mine's the same venue in Glasgow

the next day in Glasgow so and also Elliot Steele Gareth Moore and Ryan Cullen all doing the festival going online

check the listings come and support your boys and I think we're going to have Danny again doing the Monday episode

which is now a Patreon bonus enjoy