Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Home Sweet Home (Sloss and Humphries on the Road)

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

At the end of a long two year road, Sloss and Humphries put the fork in the "Can't" Tour (Although they will lick the plate with two extra shows in Dublin and London) For the next few months life will be conducted from their own homes, the boys bask in this fact while reflecting on their recent accomplishment and slipping straight back into the mould of being a lifestyle podcast. #32   Soz. We posted this on Patreon and announced we'd be taking a month off but commenced that time off before making the episode public. My bad. Enjoy a week late and we'll see you in July!

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? We are refreshed.

Is that safe to say? No. Am I speaking for myself? You are speaking for yourself. I've done some sleeping. Yeah. I've also done some fucking getting up early. I've done heaps of getting up early.

Like, I've embraced the jet lag. Five o'clock, I just wake up naturally, like, bounce out of bed, have a workout. Yeah. Like, like read some news yeah on press reader yeah read a bit of my book and then natalie gets to the bed and i make breakfast oh hi i live like that uh is that what people do um well i think some people yes but they do it like i think i was talking about this with rever, it just comes from people being like, oh God, I'd love to spend all my time

on a tour bus travelling around the world. And you're like, no, you wouldn't. You'd enjoy bits of it, absolutely. And of course, if you haven't travelled a lot and you've not seen much of the world. That was the best way to run. Yeah. Oh yeah, that was.

But when people say, oh, I'm so jealous that you got to go to India and Singapore. But don't see the sacrifices. By the way, I didn't see any of those places i didn't spend much like none of those were like real sort of well india is not fair because we didn't get to experience a fair bit of that but like i just the same thing when we're like oh my god having a morning routine and waking up early is actually oh yeah like to be fair as soon as i start gigging again like a week after next i kind of be on this cycle.

Because if I put a film on at like fucking 8 at night, you guarantee I'm not making it to the end of that film. I'm going to sleep by 9.15. Because getting up at that time and having a workout before breakfast, like you're not making it to 10. I haven't minded. Like I have to change it when I start working again because of the time in that you work.

It does suck to be, not suck, but it's like a hard pill to swallow that you're just at the age where there's nothing after 10 p.m. for you anymore. Because for me, for so long in my life, I would like, and I know many people do this, I would stay up late just because it was like an act of rebellion.

It's like, my time is my own thing. And like, when you're young, you have a bedtime and then you have to and then you have a shitty bedtime because you've got fucking school and they make school start too early and if you're like me and you live far away from your school you have to wake up at fucking 6 37 every morning because you were forced to and to go and do something that you objectively hated which was get on a bus for an hour go to fucking school with a bunch of shit that you didn't want to learn oh yeah not be taught how taxes work, not be taught how to vote, but taught...

Which we wouldn't have enjoyed either, by the way. It would have been more useful for day-to-day life, but that would not have given you the spring in your step you needed to get to school. Days where I had PE, you know, there were fucking days where I couldn't wait to get to school. Yeah.

Just chew through the other lessons just so that you can fucking have a game of football. Yeah, aye. Whereas it was the other four, a lot of people fucking despise pe like that was hell for them i've got words for them now they work in tech i try to look trying not to be fucking judge mental but i think say virgin call them no no no i think i have let's say And this isn't Be getting

Let's say I've got A hundred friends One of those Didn't enjoy PE In high school That's That's who my mates are Like

And again And look And this isn't like Oh you have to like Fucking football Man I've plenty of friends Most of my friends Fucking hate football

And have no interest in it But they're still like Running around Chasing rugby Tennis Badminton Fucking around They understood that PE I have plenty of friends most of my friends fucking hate football and have no interest in it but they're still like running around chasing rugby tennis badminton fucking around they understood that PE

was the sky lesson you're playing aye that's the lesson where you play you play with your friends because we're 14 now

I can't suggest playing at fucking break time we've got to stand around look cool and at this point I assume vape behind the French fucking studios

but except for they did ruin it in scotland occasionally it'd be like fucking december you'd bring your pe gear and you'd be like this is it fucking pe friday second last thing brilliant and they'd be like scottish country dancing today and they're like oh i don't want to be rejected by women in pay. I know. This was news for me. I didn't know that you had to dance with each other in Scotland. Yeah. Apparently so.

Did you ever used to, if you forget you're a PA kid, you used to be made to do it in your underwear? Back in the day. Fuck me, man. I never thought we'd pay a kid in a game. Like, fuck, this is meant to be punishment. This is classes. Just get a run run of me skid.

Me and Cara were talking about this, right? And I'm going to try, I'm going to keep some of information this out because I don't want it to be obvious like who we're talking about in regards to our son. I think there should be a generation gap limit on childcare. I think if you if you're in your

thirties and you have a kid you're absolutely allowed to babysit kids and look after kids right if you're 40

you're absolutely allowed to look after toddlers babies and stuff because again that's just a generation below you

if you're 50 years old you're only allowed to look after teenagers you're not allowed to look after kids anymore because 40 years has fucking passed there's been a full cycle of how you raise a child absolutely and now you're only allowed to look after teenagers you're not allowed kids anymore yeah because because 40 years has fucking passed there's been a full cycle of how you raise a child absolutely

and now you're raising the child with 80 standards yes absolutely i love my gran roger with all of my heart right she is and now as an adult i have a great appreciation for what an intelligent funny beautiful interesting engaging strong woman. Capable. Growing up, being born in World War II, and growing up and when, not feminism was good, but back in the day when she was, you know. She had a fight on her hands.

Oh, what she's done is amazing. I would not let her look after my kid under the age of 10. Because when I was young, her standard was like, I'm a no-nonsense person. I'm like, I'm five. I'm only nonsense nonsense what do you mean you're no-nonsense how dare you how dare you as an adult in uh looking after kids and this isn't with my gran anymore this is the other thing I'm talking about how fucking dare you put yourself in a position of I'm going to look after children and it's going to be to my standards of the one i was raised in back when you know you could hit the cunt oh my it's i

cannot fucking there's been so many times where you know we've taken caitlin somewhere and there'll be someone there so i can look after him i'm like you're going nowhere near my son no you're going no because you you're you're somebody that forces kids to eat vegetables so they're going to have eating issues when they're older in life

and they're and they're just going to be the pickiest in the world you're going to give them body dysmorphia because you're going to you're going to you're going to praise them

for all of the things that people were praised for in the 50s which is you're strong you don't cry you you're beautiful.

Women are beautiful, men are brave, none of this. But is like a small exposure to these people like not good for a child in a way? Under the age of five, absolutely not. In that, life is going to be challenging and they're going to meet different people that are going to respond to them differently. And if you keep your kid in that shelter, I've just started watching Fallout, are they just going to meet different people that are going to respond to them differently. And if you keep your kid in that shelter,

I've just started watching Fallout, are they just going to come out into the world like the ones coming out of their shelters into the fucking hard world that it is? Is it not like inoculating them to the trials of the world by just giving them to someone that's not going to harm them, but their methods are going to be a bit different?

No, absolutely not not fucking interested the world has moved on the world changes and also the world is going to constantly be fucking shit so me protecting my child in certain instances doesn't mean he's going to be bubble wrapped every hour yeah yeah when i can the world is going to fuck him because that's what the world does every decision in my power to be like you're actually an educator and you're somewhere because, the people that, the people who we send them to play group with are all women between the ages of 20 and 45.

And they are empathetic, compassionate, soft voices, gentle people. Explainers. Explainers. There's no yelling. There's no screaming. There's no fucking timeout corner. You're not punishing someone under the age of five

who has no concept of anything other than, now you've just ruined this for them. Those are great. I want those. I'll not let anyone over the age of 55 touch my son ever again. Really? No. Just some

bad methods at play. Is that in your company as well? No. Just some bad methods at play. Just fucking... Is that in your company as well? No. Or is that like... No, it's... Left behind? It's also not one person.

It is a generational thing. I truly fucking believe that like... My mum said this to my dad before, right? Parents forget. Grandparents absolutely fucking forget. I'm assuming that you don't put your grandparents in this bracket at my grandparents no like uh caitlin's grandparents caitlin's grandparents i don't know how long i'd leave him alone with my dad

is he doing that on purpose so that he doesn't get asked no things man things have changed we've got different fucking standards like you know i i like that like my mom had to stop my dad letting kailyn pour boiling water from a kettle into a cup and i'm like you've lost all yeah that's have you seen that that video that went viral i think it was like fixing the gate and the gate was one of them that like kind of like moves open like a garage door and it just like fucking hooks the trousers of the kid and brings the kid up and then the dad like looks around for the kid and doesn't like looks up and single fucking gets him down i reckon that's your dad he's so focused on like fixing this garage door that like the garage doors lifted the child off the floor but also like i i also but they harmed on in good core memories for that kid

for us at least the grandparents are the fun ones. They're the least, which is like, look, here we are fun and we can be fucking fun, but we are very strict rulesetters. The reason I liked

my grandparents growing up was because they were allowed to be the fun ones because my parents were often, not strict, but they were good. These are the rules.

This is what happens. Whereas grandparents were like, here's a fucking bag of sweets and here's to a quite goal of your fucking life. That's what it should be. He has something that a memory of just triggered, right?

Fucking brilliant cherry tree in my granddad's pizza back garden, right? When my mom and dad were dropping us off, I'd like play on the swing on it, like maybe just hang on a branch or two. And then as soon as

my mom and dad were gone, I'm like, I can get right to the top of that and no one's going to bother us. And my granddad will just be looking at the window going fucking hell

that's higher than normal I should probably stop doing that but he's like I loved that the like the eyes were off us

a little bit more so I could explore a little bit more and of course me grandad was watching us he'd just give us a little bit

more leniency with stuff like that do you have any idea how much lower uh injuries deaths uh life-changing injuries hospital visits and diseases have gone down since your grandparent was a father oh yeah hi loads i used to have six kids because one of them would die there's this generation it's like we all turned out fine first of all you're all autistic i've never met anyone over the age of 60 that isn't violently autistic i loved freely climbing that tree but i got a fucking buzz out of that like my life was on the line and four other kids who did the same are dead or have punctured lungs and aren't able to walk and haven't been able to do it and they vote tory because they're like

everything was fine when i was a kid why are you in a wheelchair we are taking naturalist selection away from our children as we should as we absolutely should you're being too broken it's a too broken argument of like oh we're all just we're all just apes so I'm not responsible for any of my actions we've been to the fucking moon we saved the bees don't get me wrong i would stop the kid from claiming that tree but it didn't stop the fact that i fucking love being able to claim that tree free i free claimed that tree man like i fucking love that shit okay just get away from it fuck me it come close a couple of times yeah okay just to counterbalance that i remember one time climbing a tree uh at my ann aunt Kim's house and my friend Craig was there

and I was climbing up and I fell down and my ankle got caught in a fucking branch and I was hanging about seven feet off the air and I was screaming, screaming for help. And none of the adults were paying attention because they were just like, ah, we're all born in the 40s, 50s, who gives a fuck? I hung there for, I mean, in my head, three hours, realistically. My dad's going to say one minute, objectively wrong,

objectively wrong. I know how hard it is to get my father's attention. Craig runs into the house, spends, let's meet in the middle, let's say seven minutes convincing my dad. Daniel's in the tree.

He's like, oh yeah, I'll come see. He's like, Daniel was stuck in the tree. He's like, I'll come out soon. Oh gee, kids these days are fucking soft trauma deep deep trauma

one of the worst experiences of my life just going I'm going to die in a tree hanging upside down and there's no way for me to get out of this because

my legs over here my ones in the fucking tree my granddad's generation be like well just work it out fucking right so the lesson i have to learn is that i'm just alone in a world of eight billion people the lesson you want me to

learn under the age of 10 is that i'm alone all of the time and everything has to be fixed by me and even and when i fuck up which i'll do because i'm a human being the punishment is fix it alone just you this is fuck that oh i mind being can you are you old enough to remember parks being fucking super dangerous absolutely football pitches were made out of rock like just gravel uh yeah i'd fucking just spray paint goals onto the fucking walls the pebble dashed allotment walls. So there was a park that had a, you know when you get the roundabouts that you could just go on and like run around

and then jump on it and it goes around, call it a roundabout, even though there's roundabouts on the road. There's roundabouts in the park, they're the ones I'm talking about. There was a one that was like higher up and it had chain swings hanging from it where robot seats like what you get in regular swings

and you basically run around with your mates and then jump on and you get a couple of rotations where you're swinging and then you get off right me and my mate were in the park we're probably too young to be left on what we want to go to this dangerous park but it was a different time back then and these fucking teenagers come in and so we're trying and they're like do you want to get a hand like fucking getting some speed up on that we're like oh yeah would you not mind so naive they did not fucking stop they just took turns and fucking yelp in the fucking swing and run to the point that i'm just horizontal like yes this is class this to like crying and just being like i want to be down now i need to be in the street

lights have come on i was up in this fucking swing for too long to the point that me mate just took a life or death decision to just jump out of it and fucking scud across the fucking gravel or whatever the fuck was used to cushion your fall as a child in the 80s and uh in that but he ran and got me granddad who combed and chased off the teenagers i was up there for a long time didn't do me any harm I'm a thrill seeker no it's when people talk about people like

oh you know it sounds it sounds traumatic but we laugh about it now and you go right you understand that humour

is a direct response to trauma yeah like a deep deep response so everything that you're like oh we laughed it off and we're good

I bet you did because you know what the alternative was crying becoming a psychopath and understanding how bleak your actual fucking life was it was like it was hardship like we grew up with hardship but like i do look back on it with fondness uh-huh and and i bet you look back on the extra with fondness that's how memory works i look back on COVID The lockdown I often be like God I wonder how good It would just be

If COVID happened again And I have to Actively remind myself Your mental health Was the lowest It's ever been You hated yourself You hated your friends

You hated the world The lack of motivation To do anything Oh Oh it's worse No get up and go Yeah It's what anyone

Anyone The coping mechanisms That I put into place Like fucking The amount of running I did Oh, it was worse. No get up and go. Yeah. It's what anyone... The coping mechanisms that I put into place, like fucking the amount of running I did. Fucking ran a marathon in the park, like fucking trying to sprint five kilometres on a daily basis to feel like I've got any worth or value. Oh, God. Such structured fucking coping mechanisms

that I just propped myself up with, knitting on stream. It's just so I had a schedule and a feeling like I had somewhere to be and a meeting place where I could huddle with people. Literally just my whole life was coping mechanisms for however long. Yeah, and I guarantee in 20 years' time when I might say, nice, what was COVID like? I'll be like,

oh, it was way better back in my day. That's great, we had a Wayne subscription. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't have any negative, oh, you know what? We laughed about it. We laughed about it all the time. Didn't have any negative effect on me. Like, aren't you still in fucking therapy? You know what I find so funny? You know, there's still, you know what we laughed about it we laughed about all the time didn't have any negative effect on me like aren't you still in fucking therapy you know what i find so funny you know you know they're still you know they're anti-vaxxer guys that were just fucking non-stop you're not on facebook anymore i've dived back in right they are still going oh yeah it's fucking five years later they're still going on going oh yes i quite knew that the fucking vaccine turned

out to be a myth and everyone's like and i'm just like whoa you guys are like these fucking Japanese guys that still think they're at war and they're in the jungle and they're waiting for that. The general has to get pulled from the fucking barbershop that he owns to come into the jungle to tell you that the war ended 30 years ago. And you're not at war anymore. Like there's still people that are fighting that. And they think that they don't realize that they're the crazy ones. But what,

but we all, but where's the mass deaths from the vaccine? I've seen a few of them. It's always like, oh, yeah, just wait. It'll kick in in a year. It's always like, oh, you're about to all die from the vaccine killing you and stuff. And what will happen is some people will fucking die in the bill Well that I mean this is proof It's almost as if We're not perfect At executing science

Under immense global pressure And even then What we did was Astronomical And there AstraZeneca Which one did you Can you even remember which one you got?

Morven or something? Morven? Moderna? Moderna? Moderna there you go Moderna I knocked Moderna Moderna I knocked us sick Fucking wiped us out

I was like I just wiped people out Me Mistricken Yeah I mean There is I will say this For counterbalance

As much as like I agree with you I fucking hate all the people That are like You were all wrong about the vaccines I'm like Oh my god Just

Stop smoking weed. Stop going on YouTube. Take a long walk. Read an actual book. Talk to a scientist. Live your life. I just stopped talking about it. I wouldn't have made my through of it now.

I'm totally through. But on the other side, like, and I'm going to say this with a caveat. I understand there are people out there who have underlying health conditions. And just having a mask on them at all times helps greatly and reduces their chance of infection. I do know some people that just wear the mask like the fucking breast cancer awareness pin or a fucking poppy. And you're like, man, I understand compassionately.

You're like, hey, there are people out there who are still struggling and i'm gonna do my best to limit my exposure out there for even though i'm healthy i'm gonna make sure it doesn't go to i'm like it's a fucking it's an empty gesture you know if you if you had like just a bit of a cold not even like anything major but like you're going to meet up with people and you're like oh i should pull out because I've got a cold, but then I don't want to flake because I flaked on them last time. Would you consider wearing a mask just to be like,

look, I've got a cold? No, no, not a million years. Maybe that. No, no, I'd 100% fucking reschedule. I'd get a cold, man. Life's going to hit you harder than that. Not a chance. Don't get me wrong

I am fucking adopting such a fucking Joe Rogan stance of like life's gonna hit you harder than that to take them chilt yourself from the world I didn't think that's a change I've always been a bit like that it's just such an exhausting fucking I can't I just cannot understand and I'm sure

as all of my hypocrisies come through, I'll age and I'll fucking change. I hope I never become the older generation that loathes and hates the generation below them because we successfully made life easier for them. Like, and I guarantee nobody who served in World War II felt that way about their kids. No.

They would have enjoyed watching them play. 100%. Because they were there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every generation after that suddenly became, it's fucking easier for you than it was for you. It's like, oh, I'm sorry, there was progress. And I'm sorry, progress that benefited your lineage.

The person who should be your favourite person in the world. How can you watch your happy child play in a safe park, not covered in fucking needles, no nails sticking around, cock it and be like, fucking we're raising some fucking... That's an ideology I get behind is that you're borrowing the world from the next generation. Yeah. And then you give them it back.

And they're borrowing it from the... You're paying the world forward and you want to hand it back in fucking good condition, if not better than what you received it from the last custodians like you kind of be resentful of the fucking next generation you've got to try and like fucking teach them and nurture them and then trust them because it's theirs now yeah i'm gonna really encourage the next generation to just be like the second I turn 65 take away my right to vote Mm-hmm. That's it and I'll argue with you and I'm 65 right and I want you to hit me in the mouth I'll be old I'll be way easier to be up than I am now and I'm already quite easy to be up

Take away my vote at 65 because I'll not be around much longer than that And it's inherently selfish to vote if you're going to die in the next 20 years. I'm really encouraging myself at the minute to listen to new music. Who? I, because I just don't want to be set in my ways. I even just had a conversation with Matthew on the way down.

I put like, it's like Kendrick Lamar's just the best of a bad bunch. Rap is shit now. And I'm like, my point was it's conclusive. Like you'll get old people, like older than me, that just go football's not the best of a bad bunch. Rap is shit now. And I'm like, my point was, it's conclusive. Like, you'll get old people, like, older than me,

that just go, football's not the same as it was. Bec and Bauer's better than Van Dyke or whatever, right? And then you just go, you'll never find out because you'll never get to play them

on the same pitch. You'll never really know. Whereas with music, you can put two tracks on a playlist and go, that one's better. So I do, I do feel like rap has peaked ages ago and all the people

that think henrik lamar's men just haven't immersed themselves in the back catalogue of the history but i just because i don't like henrik lamar doesn't mean i want to fucking lock in what music i listen to uh i've been listening to ray quite a bit that last from east london my dead cat your dead cat been listening to her meowing away uh i put on a billy eilish album the other day oh she's okay she's fucking class yeah uh-huh it's like just you know when you're a bit too sleepy to read a book or watch a film on a flight because you've had no sleep but you just want to drift away to something put billy eilish on i was like right if i'm not enjoying rap music right now like just fucking listen to other things

because I just don't want to be... I don't want to be the generation above me that just listen to that fucking prog rock from the 70s or whatever the fuck. Like, but I'm doing that now with rap music where I just listen to 90s and early 1000s rap. I don't want to be that guy. So if I'm not enjoying rap right now,

just fucking find new things that you do like. I think that's a very good stance to take i'm not going to join you because i'm someone that just never cared about music i don't mind and if anybody wants some newer rap that is genuinely astonishing rather rugged man released an album like two years ago all my heroes are dead and it's one of the best rap albums Not just of now Of all time So there is still good stuff coming out Aye But from older people I couldn't

I don't think I know what Kendrick Lamar looks like I've seen him live I've fucking tried listening to his albums Like I just It's not for me Fair enough And it's not like I just don't understand rap music

I'm fucking immersed I've got a history of listening to rap music it's just not for me I feel like he's for the youngins I feel like he's he's younger than me

and older than the people who are in their 20s so like he gets a lot of people like Elliot Steele's age looking up to him whereas like I'm just like I nearly my age

and you're impressing 20 year olds is Stormzy any good because I think I like him as a person yeah i've seen him in any interviews he seems like a really i've never i've never gotten into the british rap scene like stormzy and rich i've seen registry 2 live for you from getting into british rap is like getting into american soccer ms ml no um yeah yeah it like, oh, let's go to the worst part of the world for this. Yeah. And again, as someone that doesn't listen to British rap,

but the fact that even I am unaware of anything, I mean, Stormzy, and he's grime, isn't he? Whatever grime is. What is grime? I'm an old man. I don't think me and you can do a podcast talking about grime what is it what's the what's the deal right rock is i think it's guitars cymbals yelling uh pop is easy remember to lyrics sort of high volume is it like a london street slang what's the

definition of grime grime is a genre genre of electronic music evolved out of UK garage and is influenced by drum and bass, dancehall, raga and hip-hop. I don't think that was made for a middle-class white man in Scotland, so maybe I'll just keep my judgement to myself. Yeah, it's not for you, mate. It was never for me. It was never meant to speak to you.

It was never for me. You didn't have the struggle to ask for me. And in the defense of Kendrick Lamar Maybe he's not writing Fucking music For a working class white boy From Northern England Yeah

Maybe it's for You know Oppressed African Americans And I guess other blacks Yeah Or I care about this generation

I just think it's for A different generation I think I think he's the fucking lad parked at the school with a nice car to pick up the lass and all the lads at school

are like oh who's that cool guy and then all of us are like who's that fucking weird prick that's Drake okay that's who Drake is

like Kendrick Lamar from the very little I've seen or watched of him like I'm not a fan but I still think he's immensely talented

like there's no denying like he's not as good I understand's no denying like he's not as good I understand what you're saying he's not as good as like the old stuff apparently people say like he's a live performer he's shit

but he's a lyrical thing I find he waffles on like a lot of the stuff he's saying I'm like you haven't really said it I mean

I'm not a global superstar for that reason like a lot of the stuff he's saying I'm waiting for him to say something and then there'll be something in there where it's like good rappers that fucking constantly saying something good drake's objectively shit fucking p diddy man how wild is it to how

wild is it to fuck literal children to groom literal children and for that to all be out there multiple rapes and the one thing you do is an apology for punching a woman in the back of the head while she tried to escape you. Have you seen this video? I haven't seen it. It's disgusting. I haven't sought out the video for the simple reason that I saw a lot of women saying that people shouldn't be seeking out

a look at the video of them being abused. I was like, all right, memo received. I think as a man it's important to watch it I think it's very important to understand that like hey this is what happens when you raise men and boys with just never being told no

there's a great fucking video I saw the other day which me and Cara were talking about this is going to seem like a massive step left but there is a point there's this 7 year old girl I'm going to say and her like 4 year old sister's there's this seven year old girl I'm going to say and her like four year old sister's there

and her four year old sister's like give me the pen and the seven year old's like can and the kid's like can and she's like I

and the kid goes I have have the the pen pen please

please can I have the pen please she goes can I have the pen she goes no you have to say please at the end the four year old's getting so frustrated and eventually after like two minutes she goes can I have the pen please she goes can i have the pen she goes no you have to say please at the end the four years getting so frustrated eventually after like two minutes she goes can i have the pen please and seven years good no right oh lessons so here's here's the thing and this is maybe where i'm being hypocritical about the you know life comes out you harder than that but straight into the fucking comments and all the people being like what bad what horrible isn't that okay i'm like no no no you are that's a very

important lesson just because you ask for something nicely and you are kind asking someone does not mean you want to matter please and thank you it's not a golden pass to whatever the fuck you want yeah it is manners it is manners and manners should be applicable regardless of whether you get your outcome I think that's a very very important fucking lesson to that whereas you look at

the fucking Pete Derry who's been famous what since he was 17 years old fucking don't actually know because I always

like read up that he was this fucking like he forced himself on a milk round and to make money and then used that money first of all he's forced himself

on a lot of things and all produce milk well let's just be that so uh and then he like it was all this mogul like self-made fucking millionaire story and then he like he used the money from his milk round to get the fucking bus over to another part of town to be an unpaid intern at a record company and all that. But it was all pitched by him. This was his whole package thing. So I always remember him as this inspiring figure

when I was growing up, and then just like every fucking person that you idolise when you're younger, they turn out to be pricks. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure that's happened for people that have enjoyed my stuff well they just didn't like who you turned out to be yeah, I imagine, mate, if you could watch they were like, what, he didn't side with Johnny Depp

in his lawsuit with someone much younger than him made him look like a bit of a creepy old dude he didn't side with him then, what oh no, as a human being I imagine I have many fucking disappointing fucking takes and angles. And also,

the amount that I come off nicotine on this podcast and just have opinions just because I'm angry and I need to scream about something. Never raped anyone, though. Never punched a woman in the back of the fucking head.

Never even raised my voice to my... Time yet. Me and Clara were trying to withhold... Still young. We're trying to withhold our judgment for the past week just because we acknowledge that, you know, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship,

but you strive for perfection, but you accept each other's failures and you don't admonish each other. Like, hey, we're both fucking human beings and raising a kid's heart. Okay, we've got it easier than a woman. There will be a bit of friction and tension within that. And because we don't have much stresses

compared to people who are worse off than us then. Yeah, I think you can still validate the stress of that you're away for like three weeks at a time and if Cara wants to join you, she's got to fucking travel around non-stop with a toddler in her pregnancy. But I think it's absolutely, and Cara would 100% agree with me,

it's incomparable to a mother of four. Struggling to make ends meet. Struggling to make ends meet. Getting those kids to school. Can't afford food. All the things. And also, and your husband is away all day and when he comes back, he's knackered.

He's not seen the kid. It's just in that aspect, we're very grateful and we're very aware of how good we fucking got it um i cannot fucking relate to couples who talk to us about yelling at each other because they're just like oh man we're in a screaming match i'm like i'm like the person you love you screamed at them and also on the side, you let them scream at you. Done. Like, you'll tightly partner with a little bit of stunk on your words

from time to time. 100%. Voices aren't being raised. Oh, and if they are being raised, there's... If I were to... And there are times where I have raised my voice in sleep. Not because I'm angry. I'm getting passionate about the fucking thing.

Voice raise is met by an eyebrow raise, which is then to be like, yeah, fair enough. Sorry, I do need to calm down. not because I'm angry I'm getting passionate about the fucking thing voice raise is met by an eyebrow raise which is then to be like yeah fair enough sorry I do need to calm down this is

this is not the right time for this discussion because well if you're shouting at your partner the reason for that is you're trying to talk louder than them

because you think that'll make them listen instead of talk that must be the only reason that you shout at someone if someone's talking and you're just fucking talking over them and it's volume levels get to a competitive level

you must realize that shouting isn't going to get you heard yeah that's not that that's a ineffective mode of communication because that person's just going to feel shouted at and really all the words that you've put in that shout is redundant and if you do show your partner do you want to do you want to know why you shout at your partner do you want to know where it is right it's because your parents shout at each other because they didn't love each other because their parents yelled at each other because they didn't love each other because they're from generations where it was pure convenience and marriages needed to happen in order for you to thrive and through all these things and people were and and and that's why they yelled at each other it's your responsibility to and marriages needed to happen in order for you to thrive and through all these things.

And that's why they yelled at each other. It's your responsibility to break generational trauma, right? And have better discussions. And if you don't, you're in a shit relationship. I think I got sheltered from that in the respect that they wouldn't do it when we're in the room. Yeah. Like, I don't remember me and my mum and dad shouting at each other, like, and seeing the anger on their faces

as they did the back and forth. But I do remember, like, waking up and hearing yelling downstairs and then, like, creeping down and, like, trying to, like, eavesdrop what they're saying. So, like, they did yell at each other. But, like, they tried to protect her from it. Oh, my mum and dad would fall out. Right?

They're in a relationship, right? Of course they're going to fall out the most as we get high. My father's a frustrating man who thinks he's correct all the time and my mother is a stubborn woman who is correct most of the time. And they fucking butt heads.

And there'd be times where my mum would come in and gripe about my dad. She does this. But it would always be like 10 minutes later, she would be like, you can't, she calmed down. And she would let me, both of them would always let me see the full process.

Right. Which is like, they'd come in, be like, just this. And then they wouldn't leave. They wouldn't make excuses. And then over the course of the next 10, 15 minutes, be like, but he does do this. And okay, maybe this was me.

And okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And I am stressed for all these other things and i'd be like oh okay right so what happens is if you get angry you're allowed to get angry but you spend a lot of time afterwards untangling why you got angry oh yeah you understood um i have i've learned that like reflect afterwards and then think about what i could

have done better and can't admit that and just like i'll i'll think about what I could have done better and can't admit that and just like I'll think about what I could have done better right after I think about what everyone else could have done better because it normally is their fault these are a few things that are in my control then like list one thing

and end the list over you you ever yelled at Natalie no to end the list over to you aye you ever yelled at Natalie no no I think like I've got respect for her

I don't think I yell at people I respect I 100 agree that's the thing for me I yell at people I don't even like aye if I was to ever

be yelled at by anyone. I got yelled at by another comedian. I've fucking barely spoken of him since it was 10 years ago. First of all, Roe Campbell was never a comedian. I wasn't going to name him. I'll fucking name the cunt. I've always hated him.

Fucking yelled at us at a bar. Aye, scumbag. I was like, I didn't think I've been yelled at since like, I got grounded. I think I've been yelled at since I got grounded and I think I've been yelled at since I got grounded and I've been yelled at by another man I'm not gonna hit him but like you should get hit you should respect that I didn't do that I'm just gonna walk away from this whole situation forever

yeah I just don't don't fucking that was not situation like I was like oh you've got far too comfortable with me here with like no grounds to be because there's very small things I've cut people out of my life for just

you know friends that you've had for ages and then there's just a point where they do something like oh you don't respect me anymore so I'm done

see you later and I've got enough friends I'm not gonna fucking mess you I had a friend I remember it so vividly in brighton like 10 years ago and i know exactly why this happened because i went through this experience with a lot of my friends which is especially people i went to high school with they all went to university i pursued stand-up comedy they were all getting their degrees i was an absolute fucking no one and then my career

started taking off a little bit i started learning more I got a fucking DVD deal they all come out of university they're all in debt and they're smarter than me they've worked objectively hard yeah and they've built a reality where

they're doing better than you because you're a dropout yeah yeah yeah and gone up there and I've got my best friend in the world Ali my best man

we had problems in our fucking early 20s where he was just like it was he admits it was like it was struggling with the attention was like, it was, I don't know. Struggling with the attention you were getting

when you were on a level playing field for so long in your life. Yeah, and, but the thing is, Ali, and we, we,

we, God, we argued a lot. We stopped living together for a bit. But you were super young and you sort of reflected upon it. Yeah, I mean,

Jean saved it. Jean saved that entire relationship because I was fully ready at that point to be like, I'm, I can cut people out of my life like that. You'll die to be like i'm and i can cut people out of my life like that you'll die to me in a second and it'll be complete i'm like ali's done to me i'm completely done and jean had seen me do this to like six people before and was like no no

no no no i'm gonna sit you down and have a fucking discussion with you and then make sure you do so my snap you out of this fucking like this tailspin of petulance yes absolutely yeah um one of our other friends from fucking high school i remember went down and uh was drinking with another bunch of comedians he came to the show saw me fucking smash we're hanging out with all the other comedians afterwards we're all having a laugh and i don't know whether he just like felt like out of place like it was a fucking because we're still in the early 20s it was still toxic masculinity it was still like dominance of like trying to fucking i I'm going to be the funniest, I'm going to be this,

and obviously being a non-com in that situation was. What'd he do? Slap me. Slapped you like? Oh, a playful slap. Like a headlock nookie thing. And that would be done. Oh, if you noogie me,

we are never speaking again. Ever again. If you wedgie me, you wet willie me you fucking i'm a 33 year old dad by the way you can put your things off limits but if i feel like wet willie that's happening yeah yeah he's he was my first friend like why you went with yourself why you want to leave yourself that's why I got my ribs removed. He was my first friend in high school.

He was the reason I stayed at my high school without a water to leave because I didn't know anyone. He was so friendly. At the age of 23, after 12 years of friendship, he slapped me in the face once and I just mentally went, oh, that's a shame that he's dead.

Oh, yeah, you're dead. That's a shame. I mean, I'm not going to cry. You slapped us. I'm not speaking of him anymore. I meant more of the death. But it was just one of those things where you just think, oh, you don't respect us.

You're just trying to fucking come over the top with us. You've tried to knock us down a peg or two, and actually, why? You should be supportive. Why are you not going to do anything I do that's not what I need

from my friends right now when I'm already in a position of vulnerability and trying to make it in the world that's actually

a little bit cutthroat sometimes you go on and slap me in front of my peers oh I'm still thinking about it and if you're listening

to this I don't forgive you and I never will I wonder if he does still think about it I don't even know I wonder if he knows he's done it I wonder if he does still think about it. I don't even know.

I wonder if he knows he's done it. I wonder if it just passed him by. Well, there was three years of every time I was down in his area where he would text me and message me on fucking Twitter and Facebook and I just wouldn't respond. And he can live. I'm sure in his head it's that I got too big for my boots and that I'm too fucking Z-less celebrity. But for me it's like you come in at my job and that I'm, you know, too fucking Z-less celebrity. But for you, for me,

it's like you come in at my job and slap this in front of me workmates. Aye, aye. And because you just couldn't, couldn't handle it. Aye. Like, man, I feel fucking bad when I raise my voice to Caelan,

and not to Caelan, but like in a situation where, you know, there'll be times when fucking somebody's emailed me something that just needs it so we're selling a house at the moment right well i've got things in my life where things do need an almost immediate response in the moment response and try explaining to a fucking two-year-old that i can't give you attention i just need one minute i literally need one minute of just silence so i can type this fucking thing out and then oh and then i'm all yours but there's no i've caught

myself in moments just getting bad and i'm like what what what are you doing allowing yourself to get frustrated and annoyed by a two-year-old your job as an adult is the responsible adult is to they can't regulate their emotions so your job is to regulate your emotions and not only so that you don't can you not channel that in a way that's like more playful like just looking at him dead in the face and go boring you're fucking boring us think about your phone no because i don't want him to do that to the kids i was doing a bit channeling away that is even more damaging but entertains you do you not

like sending them going to know your mother that's a tactic that parents use

isn't it me and Kat are a unified front yeah can you do that

email normally yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean that is

I'll entertain this child and also she's had again like whenever I come home from long trips away again she loves her kid and she wants to be around him all the time but I try my best to just be like I'm going to try and

take a lot of this on and try and just claw back the unfair amount of parenting that you've had to do in my absence and also that's why I think it's really important. Like, if Cara's laid down rules while I've been away, I have to.

What a chaotic, horrible thing. But you might not have been able to communicate them rules to her because everything's fucking all over the place. In a different time zone or in the sky a lot of the time or on stage. So you get home and then you betray one of her rules

and then she's like, oh, by the way, there's a rule in place and you're learning on the job and you're being told off but like told the rules Even if I think her rule is stupid. She's the one that has to be in the house She is but it's an established rule It's the established rule that I wasn't there to establish because I was away from home like and sure There's we can have a discussion in bed be like this is what to what we'll do in the future. My friends and relatives that have got kids the same age as Cale and are all like, oh, we have to be a full-time entertainer.

They want your attention a lot and they've got more energy than you. So keeping them entertained and that intensity is fucking knackering. Oh, yeah. That's what I love about my relationship with all of these children is I get to come in and just be that high-energy entertainer. For the time I'm there, I couldn't keep that up full-time.

There's no way you could be expected to, but at least I get to give them a little bit of that for then and leave them absolutely amped for when I hand them back over to you. I do, as much as I do love that fucking like old Bill Barr routine of like the Oprah, being a mother is the hardest job in the world.

Any job you can do in your pyjamas. Yeah, yeah. There's people down the mine shaking hands with the devil. Yeah, they change your DVD. Yeah, did you hurt your back bending over to change

the Moana DVD? Like that's, I think that's an objectively funny fucking routine because it is antagonising. Oh, It's antagonising. Oh, it's antagonising.

It's antagonising people we should protect. But no, no. But it's also grounded in a tiny little bit of truth. Like in terms of how difficult a job is physically, right? Parenthood doesn't compare to- I'd rather be the stay-at-home mum than the go-to-work dad. Yeah. And if me and Natalie ever have have kids that would be the family dynamic

and it is but but as i mean uh with one kid and when i'm man it is just exhausting you can't be on time people like why are you on your phone you're like do you understand that for fucking three hours i've just been on hyper awareness of like everything I'm doing corner of my eyes making sure like you're risk assessing constantly you're running around

you're trying to make a fight and then and then there's just one bit where they're on their arse playing on their fucking with their toys and you're like I just need to

because there's nothing else I can't watch a movie can't read a book I need something where it's anyway small input like that you can break away from,

which is what I'm now glad I have to, cause I'm back home. All social media off my phone. Complete. Oh, my phone's been living in a different room to me. Um, I fucking amazing.

I'm embracing my mid forties. Um, and I've started doing the New York times crossword. Oh yeah. He started that on the road. Yep. Uh, and I'm not, I'm not good at it, but I don't think it's a boy. I yeah, he started that on the road. Yep. And I'm not good at it,

but I don't think that's the point. I enjoy the mental challenge of it. I might not ever do it again. They pissed me off. I screamed at my phone yesterday because it was wrong. It was objectively wrong, right? So the whole... You know what?

I'll fucking get it out. What was the clue? The clue was ends of old school walkie talkies. Antenna. Connected by string. So the answer is obviously tin cups because it was old school, tin cup, tin cup, string. And it did say string. Oh God, you're going to have to edit a bunch of this out

I promise you this is fucking was it like plastic cup? worse right here we go I will show you exactly and you can't forgive it? no no it's so it was just something you couldn't get is it like the thing that you hated from behind her eyes

the sitcom where like sitcom the drama where you were like oh but I couldn't guess that you made it behind her eyes the sitcom where like sitcom the drama where you were like oh but i couldn't guess that you made it impossible to guess because it wasn't a factor of play that wasn't here it is here it's a math i want you to do some googling here because i if i'm wrong i'm wrong and everyone can fucking watch it we'll do this on camera i'll hold my hand up and i'm dumber than the new york's time cross which is fair it is a two four seven letter word clue is ends of a homemade walkie-talkie and the letters we have are t blank n blank a n x tin cans it's tin cans Again The clue Ends Of a homemade Homemade walkie talkie

T blank N blank ANS There's nothing else in the world That can be Apart from tin cans Correct? Tongans

Tongans I've never heard the word tongans It's a Electric walkie talkie When was the last time You made an electric walkie talkie At home? The end of it Yeah When did you ever When was the last time You made an electric walkie-talkie At home? The end of it

Yeah When did you ever When was the last time You made Just from scratch A fucking fully electronic Wireless walkie-talkie At home?

I mean if you ask a dad That question He might have an answer For an It's tin cans It's objectively tin cans I I

I was up for an extra hour Last night In a rage Just being like Because there's no way You could have won it It's 10 cans! What a fucking Tongan!

Are you struggling to Google it, Matthew? Because it's not a thing! Did you Google the word Tongan after? I mean, I've looked up walkie-talkies and it doesn't come up with anything to do with Tongan. Let's type in Tongan. Let's see what the fucking internet says. Tongan's walkie-talkie.

Those look homemade to you? Those look homemade to anyone? Huh? Oh. Oh. So that's it, don't worry, crosswords. Well, now that I know that they're just going to get it wrong,

like, what's the point? Like, if you don't double check it, like, if you don't give it, surely, I don't know much about the New York Times, but surely there's so many fucking losers there, right? The person that designs the crossword, because it's not an algorithm, it's not AI. Every day they're like, this person created this.

So how's nut smoking going? Awful. The thing I decided to say, and man I cannot tell you like, because again no social media, it's a really good thing, I don't feel bad when I'm on my phone. Whenever I'm on social media scroll I'm like this is bad for your mental health, this is bad for being a fucking parent, this just isn't good. But when you're sitting there pondering and then you're like I wonder what that is and then you just go off and I'm like I don't mind just fucking thinking and then my son distracts me i'm like it's fucking cross which it gives a fuck be mindful yeah i don't need to watch the end of this video you know

if i'm 35 seconds into a minute long video my son distracts me normally when i'm just tense i'm like give me 25 seconds what are you talking about man go play with your fucking son i'll tell you what i did uh i woke up with a light coming through the curtains, and I was like, you know what? I'm awake. I'm going to get up. It was fucking 4.45, and I'm out of bed. I was like, I'm not going to climb back in bed when I'm not tired.

So I went for a run at that time in the morning. Fucking perfect time to run. It's the time in the sesh where the birds come up and you feel like shit. It's that time, right? And I'm fucking running, and there's not even cars on the road. There's nobody doing anything, and i was just out in the world and it was fucking mild enough to have a run in my shorts and t-shirt and uh i did a decent size run and when i was at the furthest point of my run whereas i'm doing a loop right and at a point where keeping on going or doubling backs this equidistant me fucking knee just started hurting.

Like a shooting pain here, right there. And I could walk, fine. As soon as I started running, shooting pain. I still don't know what it was. And I'm like, I'm at an age now where, like, you know, if I was a bit younger, I would have ran that off. I would have just went, I'll just keep running, playing another five minutes of the game before you look at the bench.

I'm like oh shit like I don't come back from shit like this anymore and just had the saddest like two three mile walk it was like five past five

in the morning or whatever the fuck time it was by the time I got there last time you did a three mile walk at 5.30am it was coked up from the fridge

Yeah exactly I was like that's probably how I look Like no one's looking at me Walking at that time of day And there's a man on a run Like he's at the end of a sesh So I managed to like I've still done some like

Hit session workouts Where I've been doing like squats But you know anything where Like it impacts I don't know what it is because like I can bend my leg now and it's fine. Could it be shin splints

that high up? You know, impact. I couldn't even tell you how many fucking bones are in a leg. Neither could I. But I just know shin splints is like

when you get because I have been pounding the pavement quite a bit lately. Please don't ever say that again. I've been on the treadmill. Thank you. Can I pound on the pavement? Chewing. Thank you. How about pounding the pavement?

Chewing up the road? No, pounding the pavement is, this is when you're turning into a Joe Rogan guest. I wake up at 5am, I eat seven bananas, I shove eggs up my arse, I punch my wife in the face because I need to make sure she wakes up

prepared for the brutality of the world and I've achieved everything I wanted to achieve by 9am. And you're like, man, stay hard. Go to therapy and acknowledge that you have ptsd from war i don't think pulling the pavement's so bad i think they say when like your legs are just fucking constantly making impact it's like it's an impact injury right but i just meant in the in the how how it's pounding the pavement is like well i haven't been gracefully gliding over the road if i've fucking managed to fracture my shins to the point that they're telling us not to run anymore

running which is what's huh all right sorry i thought you had medical information on shin splints uh i've had to walk back but that that was sad for me because i was like if i lost running like i've already come to terms with that like I'm not playing football anymore I mean last game of football I was probably behind us unless it's some fucking like getting the old crew

back together fucking being injured for fucking days afterwards like because like I'm past that I've mourned the loss

of playing football which was one of my great loves in life I don't want to I don't want to even lose running for a couple of weeks that's something that I always like to be

I'd like to always know that I can go out and go out for a run yeah well maybe you just have to reduce that to a jog maybe you've got to stop timing them start cycling impact free stuff I did enjoy the peloton a lot I'm enjoying the peloton again Maybe you've got to stop timing them. Start cycling. Impact-free stuff.

I did enjoy the Peloton a lot. I'm enjoying the Peloton again. Are you back on it? Yeah, yeah. Who's your guy? Oh, Cody Rigsby. Cody Rigsby. Is that the gay guy?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cody. Alex Toussaint's my bro-leg. I've seen him be homophobic too many times. That's what keeps us going. I'm like, I'm not a puff.

I'm fucking not a puff, watch. I love Cody Rigsby just talking to me about the fucking drama between a bunch of female celebrities I've never fucking heard of and just him being a fucking bitch. Just fuelled by gossip. Yeah, yeah.

And just a fucking, and just a bitch. Perez Hilton fucking helping on the pillow. Oh, fuck. And just a fucking, and just a bitch. Perez Hilton fucking helping me on the Peloton. Oh, Cody Rigsby said to me like, did anyone,

did anyone hear what Selena fucking said to give me another celebrity? I don't know anything. Ariana Grande. There you go. You guys know what Selena said to Ariana Grande?

I'm like, no idea, man. Fucking tell me. Let's find out. Distract me with the name shit because you're not, you can't educate me during this time, but you fucking tell me let's find out distract me with the name shit because you're not you can't educate me during this time but you can tell me and you're not going to inspire me just because i that's how you work you distract distract me distract me you would misdirection

and also as i've said countless times on this podcast everyone knows my favorite breed of gay is a bitchy queen it's the grit it's the it's the epitome of homosexual it's just it's the it's the alpha it's the omega it's the original it's the just having a big buff gay guy just being like you're allowed to have some sugar after this i'm like thank you daddy um right let's go to our second podcast we're going to do the Q&A which

they've already got because we're releasing that first okay and then this one because just the sequence of Peter and episode first and then the public

one however we're going to put a pin in this for a month yeah we're going to take a little bit of time off just to rediscover ourselves we've just finished

another big two year tour we're behind on the podcast so we've got big two year tour. We're behind on the podcast so we've got some catching up to do. We're behind on the perks so we've got some catching up to do. And instead of completely

chasing my tail we're going to pause your subscription so that you're not paying anything for a month and then we'll restart when we've got a few in the can

and we're ready to go again. And just, even Glastonbury lets the grass grow every few years. We need to have stuff to talk about. And I'm going to be

taking a massive step back from fucking everything i have five gigs in the diary for the rest of the year nothing else under any circumstance will be booked in um i will maybe start writing a new show at the start of next year uh cara's due with her girl in august uh we move house in september uh i don't want to be daniel sloss anymore i want to be dad and i want to be uh daniel um and i just i'm just i'm still we're going to be doing special on the podcast i'll still be um in involved in the sort of uh the revamp so i'm i'm going on tour again so I'll be like getting guests on when I'm on tour and stuff I've got nothing to promote and I just

need to take minimum six months just completely out of I'm not installing Instagram for the rest of the year I'm done you're just taking some time out which is fucking much deserved as well like you've been fucking since Netflix,

I mean, working all the way up until the Netflix specials, you worked really hard to get there. And then the amount of work that come off the back of that where we were like, oh, we're going to strike while the iron's hot and the fucking iron stayed hot for like, what's it been, like six, seven years? And we're just continually two out apart from the forced sabbatical that was lockdown,

which we just covered, wasn't it? The time off you required. It is a privilege to get to love what you do. Very few people who've lived on this planet at any point get to say that they love their job, and that is a privilege that I want to keep. So in order for that to be the case, I need to not do it for a while. But we'll see you in a month.

We've got some special ideas for the podcast. You're going to jump on and guest on your own podcast to catch up with me. The specials I'm excited for, because those are going to be us and a bunch of friends doing fucking stupid shit. I just, for the sake of you listening, for the next six months,

I'm going to have the worst chat in the world. And that's who I want to be I don't want to have good chat I don't want to have any interesting stories to tell I want to what happened to your day my daughter threw up on me

and I had to throw myself off at a playgroup what happened yesterday the same thing what happened the day before this is my life which is arguably more interesting

than the fucking day to day life that we had on tour way more interesting than this airport sucks I hope this guy dies yeah yeah fuck me airport that was intense the end of that tour like when the reason we're behind an episode is because they didn't factor in sleep for the last three gigs we're done we're done texas california and dc in one in zero sleeps four shows four shows

three states zero sleeps unbelievable way to end the tour like fucking we were threadbare by the end

so everyone who books my tour is now being punished by not getting any money from me for the next 12 months that's what you get you overwork me

you get nothing that's what happens you use something too much it breaks go fuck yourself alright so use this time to catch up on the back catalog and we'll see you in a month of some new episodes and some specials you