Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Horrible Stag Do

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

After a days sleep Cream is joined by (the nearest comedian) Ryan Cullen, to recount the Scottish leg of his stag. The one that was supposed to be a civilised string of activities but inevitably found it's way off the rails. 

All right, podcast listeners. That's right, listeners. No viewers this week. None of you are watching this podcast because Kai's not here, so the camera's not set up. Daniel, could you not learn how to set up the camera and do all that stuff?

I don't know, probably. Probably, if I wasn't as successful as I am, which means I don't have to learn these things. So, no. So, no. Kai's awake because it was my stag over the weekend And He like the rest of us Is dying slightly

And can't be arsed coming through to do this podcast So the only person within range Of the house Who was willing to Suffer through the next 45 minutes Of unfilmed, but recorded podcast is none other than, I don't know what you're,

B-B-B-Baldy! I got it right! Oh, I can't believe that! They're not, our buttons aren't labelled yet, because of course they are. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? This was one of the most demeaning intros across the board I've ever had

to deal with first of all when you first we came on you're right the cat first of all listeners not viewers

I was like he's going to say something like because we have this ugly freak on the podcast then you didn't go

that way alright and then you went with this is the closest man available. And then you finished it off with an instinctive slap. Baldy button.

I think it was quite good because I always find it funny where this comes from. I don't think all friendships, and I certainly don't think all male friendships, but friendships definitely like ours and our groups which is, for the first ten seconds of

your friend saying anything, it's just you on edge like, am I about to get caught? Like this is the residue of what the stag do was, which is just people on edge being like, right, look we're at a room full of people, we're all drinking, we edge being like right look we're at a roof of the people we're all drinking we're all having

fucking fun here and a lot of the time it's about making fun of someone else or jokes about situations and after three days of being on edge for that

because look you can take a roast but you've got to make sure that you pass the hot potato afterwards and then when you come back your partner who you love

will be like how was your weekend and you love will be like how was your weekend you're like shut up you whore oh no oh no turn off no sorry baby i had a great weekend sorry i don't know why i brought any of that home with you uh my son farts and i'm like look at that fucking loser he shot himself get him oh no sorry it's um the statue's over i can it's like you have to calm down take down the heat you know yeah you can't just bring it into the real world no straight off the

you cannot come back to regular life with toxic stag 2 energy just turn it up at work on Monday morning for your 90m

shift and just slap in the back of your boss's head alright you prick bye that'll be

2.99 I will it aye fucking what's wrong with that dude so how you feeling stag I know how you're feeling because everybody's lying around the house sleeping It'll be $2.99. I will it, eh? Fucking. What's wrong with that, dude? So, how are you feeling, Stag?

I know how you're feeling because everybody's laying around the house sleeping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I did, like, yesterday getting back was, I was tired. I was very tired. Like, I mean, I slept for fucking 12 hours last night. Like, I went to bed at... The Grand Prix.

Yeah, I went to bed after the Grand Prix and before Love Island. The sweet spot. I went to bed about 35 minutes after my son did. Oh, no. And I think also woke up after he did. Oh, well, excellent. All right, so on the Thursday,

well, we started the podcast here on... Sorry, we started the tag here on We started this actually here on Thursday. Because me, Gene and Kai came into the Patreon episode of the podcast. And we can talk about this now. Feel free to go back and watch that Patreon episode. And watch me, very confused, and get, I don't know how visible it is. But be slightly intimidated by how much they've started to drink. I brought out like just three fingers of whiskey,

which is a good hour of drinking of whiskey, right? Three fingers is, you're sipping, that'll lash it. And I bring out another bottle just in case, just in case you go, oh, you know, we get to the end, we end up talking for like 70 minutes as we often do and we'd like to end with a cheers when can't i'll just bring out like another ball kyan gene clearly saw that ball as oh we've got to get through this because like 25 minutes into that fucking podcast they both fucking shake their little empty cups at me like they're

fucking oliver twist and his boys oh no it's fagin oliver twist again i guess he don't know it's fagin i would have absolute well i know it's not just me it's Fagin Oliver Twist I don't know it's Fagin I would have absolutely well I know it's not just me you have to fool here with that

but yeah well I was told I was doing a preview so I wasn't sure like first of all I was told that it was starting on the Thursday night

and I was like this is a brave move you know it's basically a day it's just the pre-drinks you're meant to clink the ceremonial clink of glasses

yeah yeah yeah you can't take you can't have the pre-drinks in a pissing onink The ceremonial clink of glasses Yeah yeah yeah You can't take You can't have the pre-drinks In a Pissing in a washing machine A minute later Yeah Nobody piss in a washing machine

Nobody did that But I came back Going I came back And I forgot you'd all be downstairs So I looked in the house And it was about midnight

Or half eleven And I went Oh good Alright it's fine It's okay It's calmed down Everyone's gone to bed Because we were up early

At seven in the morning. And then I went, oh, God, that's right. There's a downstairs where I am. Yes, there's where you live. And then I went down the stairs, and the first person I met was an absolutely fucked guy. Oh, yeah. He was.

And I went, you've taken this all. There was warnings given out. Yeah. Yeah, well, because he came in From the whiskey After the podcast And then just kept Going At like a speed

Nobody Told him to go No And like Like to the point Where everyone He didn't get self conscious Because of Kai

And he very rarely Gets self conscious But like I think at least Four of the five Or five people have been like but Kai you're quite

you're quite drunk already and he's like who's all these fucking people in the world like well no it's Thursday and you know

Ali's not drinking and Duncan's not drinking there's at least five people who are not drinking because you know but that's Kai he did that recently

where did he do that the stag do that we were just on but literally two weeks before as well and he was annoyed everyone didn't come out oh altitude he was annoyed that uh everyone wouldn't come out on the wednesday night like so he had it real hard but everybody had already been out the three nights before it was just that it was more of the recovery everyone was out and he just spent the whole evening running around the bar called up to people well you cannae bang you cannot bang you can't do it anymore

and it was like we've been doing it days well to be fair he did try to hit me with that on because so we have Guy gets very drunk

on Thursday flash forward to Friday where we've gone out we've done the standard Scottish stag do things

which by the way I requested right because hey I love activities I love activities I think they bring gone out we've done the standard Scottish stag do things which by the way I requested right because I love activities I love activities I think they bring a group of people

together yeah very healthy competition it's good fun we went quad biking oh yeah the quad biking

was great and we'll get back we went to quad biking we went to clay pigeon shoe we'll get back to that it's a long day it's hot

it's nice we've been drinking fucking heaps I've obviously been smoking weed all day then later on in the evening some other substances you know

get passed around amongst certain people and and other people react well to those and other people don't I

I partook but I just kept I was having so much fun with just like just chatting with people like drinking and getting stoned that

Jean went to bed about half eleven and I because we're in a dorm type situation I went to bed on my stag do before midnight because you know look everyone else was on a different level

there's a thing that happens with class A drugs, right? Which is some people take them and they give themselves to the wind and they give over to class A drugs and they're fine being in a room with all the other people on those class A drugs. And then there's other times that you're stoned and you're like,

I don't have the ability to keep up with the conversation that's going on around me, nor do I care what any of these coked up cunts have to say bringing a knife to a gunfight is the lesser version of being stoned at a coke party yeah like it's just you're coming with the wrong type of energy i don't want to ruin anyone else's buzz i don't want to you know i don't want to come down there's buzz. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to come down there. Ruin your own? Ruin my own. So, so went to bed and Kai came up to rack up.

And he was like, are you seriously in bed before midnight? You're starting to. And just like, I was like, you know what? Yeah, come get me. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'll chain myself up. Flog me all you want. I'll, I'll get up on the cross.

Yeah, I'm 31. I'm a new dad. I've done this, specifically this situation, which is heaps of drugs and Tilser. I've done it. I've done it. I've done it so many times. I know how the story ends.

I know what those conversations are. I've stayed up till eight in the morning trying to understand what people are saying while desperately trying to remember the story I'm halfway through telling that no one else remembers. I've done it and not to disparage it or dismiss it but I was just like

do you know what I've not done in ages? Slept for six hours in a row. I love the fact as well it would have been hard to get you off. You were in the third tier there's three tiers of bunk. I've never seen that before. Yeah there was. it was real I was down to the

I was the very bottom one That the floor Cause normally there's a There's the competition Between top bunk and Bottom bunk But you never go Oh middle bunk

That's That's sad Yeah It's a coffin Is it the worst Yeah it's the most Well no Cause normally

Cause it makes the top one Feel like a coffin as well Cause you're just I mean the roof's only like a coffin as well because you're just I mean the roof's only two feet away from you there yeah it was that really put me off

but anyway it was good fun yeah did you enjoy the bottom bunk was it fine if we'd all pissed ourselves very bad news for you

if you think about it because it would come down and it would pool in the second one and then eventually see through as a perfect mix yeah yeah

it would get on Kai who was in the middle and then him and his shame would piss himself eventually see through as a perfect mix yeah yeah it would get on Kai who was in the middle and then him and his shame would piss himself and it would it would be double it would be

trickle down economics economics yeah you you nodded your head like let me think of a joke

and I just told you the actual word yeah trickle down yeah because I was like what's the pun on economics I guess economics yeah but yes right so we had the that was the thursday night basically as well kai kai all night when i came back on thursday kept going because obviously there wasn't enough beds for everyone around just kept going it's mad how much i'm sleeping in your bed with you tonight

and i was like it's mad how much you aren't Right And it kept going on and on And He kept coming in behind me Whispering like Going like You still don't believe me do you Right And eventually I had enough

Because I had came in On the Thursday I came in late I wasn't drunk Wait wait wait This is not the Thursday This is the Thursday Sorry

I came in I hadn't been drinking Or anything like that Because I was doing the show So I was There's no point in me There's no point in me catching up on a mad one. Absolutely, you're correct. If we're up at seven.

Yeah, you don't come in at midnight to a party that you know is supposed to be over. Half the people have left and you know you're up at seven. And you're like, yeah, I'll play catch up. You did the right thing. I was like, yeah, but he wouldn't let me of course but I didn't right so he thought I was like Kai you're absolutely

fucked you're in a complete different planet than me I'm going to bed now and it was about half one and I can hear him going like he's very angry with me and I'm like Kai I can hear you my bedroom's attached to the bar but he comes in and he goes,

do you know when someone tries to be quiet but makes an absolute fucking balls of it? I was like, I didn't even expect him to be quiet. I'm still wide awake. Yeah, it's been 30 seconds since the conversation. Yeah, yeah. He comes in and he goes, Ryan.

And I go, if you want to wake me, why are you whispering? Like it makes no sense. Turn on the fucking lights. Pissed everywhere. Not on me or anything. In the bathroom. And then kind of got over me. me why are you whispering like it makes no thing turn on the fucking light uh pissed everywhere not on me or anything in in the bathroom and then kind of got over my leg side to sit on the other side and then lay completely dead still going sorry i did that when he slept he went completely out like a light then i was like for fuck's sake I was like I hear this like beanbag going on

outside the door oh yeah I know so I open the door and I just see Gareth's head like he's facing the other way but I can just

walk into his head and he's sitting curled up with no blankets or anything I go I knew he would he goes

I'll be fine it turns into fucking teenage sleepover man we had beds we didn't have enough beds for everyone

but we'd organised it so that there was definitely one in so that there was definitely one in the attic there was definitely uh in fact two up there there was enough room for people i think you know i don't know maybe they're just the level of drunkenness to accept it but it was very much that teenage sleepover yeah that's unprompted where you're kind of like you're like your friends having a fucking house party and there's only three blankets in the fucking house.

So you're sat there being like, well, I used a towel and I used, I got together something like the tea towels, the kitchen towels you've got. Somebody fucking sews them together, one made out of toilet paper. Were you like sleepovers when you were a kid? What?

I was just never, I was never alone in the house. How do you sleep outside? No, no. Don't pitch that. I was just never I was never allowed in the house How do you sleep outside? No no Don't pitch that If that's not a plausible Cullen slash Eugene story He

No We I never had sleepovers I was like fuck that Not for me Do you know what it was? I lived too far away from people It had to be a whole deal

Yeah but that's why We ended up having so many sleepovers Because like I would go visit my I would go visit my friends And Or answer other people it had to be a whole deal yeah but that's why we ended up having so many sleepovers because like I would go visit my friends and leave

and then it'd be like well I'd air quotes miss the last bus back knowing full well my dad

cannot be fucking arsed driving 20 minutes to come get me but you know what it was Eugene was a

fucking postman so he'd get up really early oh so he's always driving past the house and also he'd also be

fucking like no everyone has to shut the fuck up at nine o'clock like you could watch TV and it was in the but there was no like

going down to the bedroom strict dad stuff no no he was just like he literally can't sleep he wasn't actually that strict I remember being more

like scared of like some of my friends' parents than I ever was of my own my parents never scared me because at no point was that how they enforced yeah yeah yeah yeah whatever um what am i here thursday friday morning we got up no no hold on hold on i want to get back to fucking you not being allowed any sleepovers what about birthdays were you like birthday sleepovers

no they can go fuck off at it was so like even in your teenage years Was there no point where like You and your mates would go out like drinking Underage, where did you start underage drinking I started Seventeen and a half Really are you fucking that late to booze I didn't give a fly I couldn't even be arsed going out

Like I couldn't be arsed going out drinking I didn't go out on nights out Six months fucking shy of being legally Like to drink was when you had to I started drinking in college I had like Sipped a beer or two The only people that are

Listening to your current story and being like Well that sounds normal and cool are Americans Because that's what underage Eighteens underage drink to them Yeah now in fairness, I came from an area where everyone drank at 12, so I am. None of those places exist in America,

so I'm fine with my. Yes. There's no poverty in America. I couldn't be fucked going out. Like, I didn't even go to my prom because I couldn't be bothered. Really? Yeah.

She's the most antisocial. Yeah, and my mum was delighted about it. She was like, absolutely. And then she got so used to it with her first child that any time Thomas or Emma even had a beer, she was like, oh, the fucking degenerates. They weren't like my Ryan. My golden boy.

My golden boy. I then landed at 17 in college. And then I had it real hard, real fast. Then it went straight the opposite way. You're like, all right. Well, to be fair, you weren't the exact same with weed which is you'd never smoked or gone near

weed at all that's why I keep going like no I'm alright because I know I'm like I'm fine I can either not do that for a very long time or the second I do I will do it constantly forever at a never ending rate it's like Bar barney was it in

simpsons when he goes off the drink was it i can't remember he sniffs a beer or something just starts going slowly going through the stages instantly yeah it's um honestly that's you know there's another thing uh i'm currently doing driving lessons and even last night when i was watching the Formula 1 going I reckon I could do that so what I'm

going to say is as soon as I get the lesson I'm hitting it hard I'm going straight for

the top I'll definitely take you to I'll definitely take you to like Nautical Racing Circuit and we can

stick you in the Tesla and you can see how terrifying you know 120 is because you

think you've only been in lessons the fastest you've gone was 70 no not even 60 yeah 60 55, 60

yeah good fun is the sorry excuse my colonialism does a British passport work in

Ireland does it work yeah they would be fine it would be sound like a different test because I

here's the thing I don't think fucking I don't think Americans American driver's licenses should that should not allow you to rent a car in Europe or the UK

because first of all you all drive automatic so absolutely not none of you actually know how to drive second of all

you were all taught to drive I don't know if you were all taught to drive. I don't know if you've seen the American driving test. No. But, buddy, like, everything you've done so far, it's less than that to, like, a percentage. Okay, so it's... Go between some of those cones and wave at that person

and tell me what a stop sign looks like at the age of 16. Congratulations, here's your car, and because we're in stop sign looks like, at the age of 16, congratulations, here's your car, and because we're in the state of Alabama, here's also a fucking gun, can you spell car, congratulations, you have a driver's license in America,

is that why you see in any movie, like teen movies, they're always just driving around, like a school car park, with like little cones, they're like, you fucking, they can drive from about,

they can drive from the age of fucking 15 in America, I think. Class. Yeah. But not good. No, no, no, but they never get better at it. The one thing all Americans have in common is they all seem to think that there's another city or a state nearby where those people are worse drivers than they are. And they're like, oh, I tell you what, those fucking people in California, they they can't drive the second there's a little bit of rain none of them know what to do i'm like none of you know what to do you drive cars you drive cars that are 25 fucking feet wide

on roads that are 50 feet wide and you still manage to crash into people like it's all it's the country where they were like they were like, after cruise control came out, there was a disproportionate amount of people who died in car crashes because in 1960, they thought cruise control meant just doesn't itself, like the internet hasn't been invented yet. And there's just these odd, stupid countries. What's this, some cruise control? Like, I know we've not been to the moon yet, but watch this.

This thing knows how to turn. Yeah, I know it's an RV, but all I do is I press this cruise control button and I can go back and make myself a cup of coffee. Leave your seatbelt off. It's on cruise control through a fucking, like, hard corner off the side of a Nevada mountain.

Oh, that's brilliant. Did I get... Oh, God, that's brilliant they're like oh god that's actually brilliant that's very funny I know this is like a tired old like point made but it's very funny

if you put all three together it means you're allowed to drive first then get a gun and then drink three years later yeah yeah

you can die for your country in America well before you can toast coming home. Imagine that. Just want a beer. Two more years.

Yeah, no, but can you go out there and can you stab a bunch of shepherds today? Yeah, no, we think they might be doing something, I don't know, illegal. Stab them! Go on! Have a wee laugh. Don't be sad.

You ever flown a drone before? Gee, I wonder, is it one person controls all the drones or Have you ever flown a drone before? Gee I wonder Is it one person Controls all the drones Or do you think They have one each? There's one absolute Brilliant

There's not And if he dies Do you mean They're like Shit Like our Our nerd dies We can't go to war anymore

I imagine it's Somewhere between your eyes I don't think one person's in charge of all the drones, but also on the other side I don't think there are people that have a weird... This is my drone. His name is Stephen. I've flown him for 17 years and

after, this is going to be his last mission, I get to take him home with me because since we both have the same types of PTSD, our therapist thought it would be better if we both left the service together. Oh, fucking hell. That's funny. And it's the same way Amazon.

Whatever happened, Dad? I thought I was getting my toothbrush delivered by a drone. Man, there are some things that you just can't give to certain parts of the world because humanity will just never do it well, right? Okay, yeah. You are never going to be able to deliver anything can't give to certain parts of the world because humanity will just never do it well. You are never going to be able to deliver anything via drones.

Because we'll just throw bricks at it. And it's not because that's what we're doing. We'll throw stuff at it and the stuff will land on other people and kill them and then it will be illegal. And they'll just have to get rid of them they'll never be able to to live for it

just go back back to old days when you just used to pelts shit at post vans it's like I don't know if you've been to like every other part of like the world

you know what lime scooters are I don't think have you ever been to every other part you know any other city apart from anyone that's in Scotland

you know lime scooters like they shit I wish I didn't know no you're talking about is that the ones apart from anyone that's in Scotland. You know Lime Scooters? Shit, I wish I did now. No. Is that the ones that... They're not just Lime Scooters. You get them in Birmingham now and you get them in London. There's an app on your phone

that does these electric bikes. You scan a QR code and it's an electric scooter. When we first saw those in America, we were like, fucking great. There's only one nation in the world that would ever allow this lawsuit to exist and it's the United States of America

this is what American freedom is which is freedom to die of something that's what true to die in any way to any stupid way that your dumb brain can come up with is that's what American freedom is. So you go, we just want to leave scooters

that go up to 25 miles an hour around the city. If anyone can use them? No, no. You've got to be able to download an app. And is there specific paths for these things? Yeah, they've built them already. They're called all of the roads already there. Oh my goodness.

Man, so many people die in these things. People break the risk. We were like, man so many people die in these things people break the risk we were like you're never going to see these in Scotland because not only would we just never be allowed

them because we'll crash too much and we're alcoholics every single one of them would end up in a river oh yeah yeah I feel like I would

do that yeah yeah you can lift them up you can throw them in there's cameras places but who cares yeah yeah never mind the delinquents

I feel like You see what we do To shopping trolleys man We can't have like Electric faster versions Of shopping trolleys That's true Shopping trolleys were

A big thing We used to love I used to steal them Aye We used to take We used to always steal them And then take them down To the skate park

For the You had a skate park Aye I'd love that Aye it was mainly just where I mean none of us skated

but it was just where you go down and drink and smoke I remember trying to do a ramp

we built a ramp to skate we were going to skate over our mate who was

lying and hanging I remember I was the first guy to go over the ramp are we talking

roller skates here or skateboard I had him with both sets of wheels in the face that was his fault he was lying like a stupid way like you'd surely you'd have your stomach to take the brunt if i came off and yeah but he had himself lying down and hit him with the first two thing and i somehow tried to make it like, I tried to get out of the way but I meant it worse by just slamming down the back and hit him with the back

too. So I went, he got out. Slamming on the back. Yeah, so you kept both sides of his head. That's what it is, yeah. That's how rad I was. Never skated after that. I was traumatised. I did not have the fucking patience for skateboarding. Aye. Really wish I had but then also, like, I'm such

a bitch when it comes to any type of pain. Okay, yeah. And I just, like, the injuries that you see

skateboarders and BMX, I'm just like, aye. I don't know if I could, nah, nah, maybe that's why

they're all stoners. Nah. You know, just to get through the, you want more quad biking? Well, speaking of, so we did go quad biking on the...

Very first morning, it was great. Yeah. And I, because I'm a hilarious professional comedian, widely regarded as one of, you know, in the top 50% currently alive in the world. Professional who makes money from this. You're adding a lot of extra. I just want people to... Academy Award winning. professional who makes money from this. You're adding a lot of extra.

I just want people to, the Academy Award winning. Yeah. Filters are going way down. Numbers are dropping. I just think it's, man, I think it's very funny to get your arse out on things. Like, we were being taken around by one guy

and there was a queue and I'm like, I'm at the front of this queue apart from this one guy. So when he's going forward, he's got no idea what I'm doing and everyone behind me

can see exactly what I'm doing. So the funniest thing to do at this point is just pull down your trousers and just have your ass out up in the air and just so ever,

because hopefully you make your friends crash because they'll be looking at your ass and laughing and then hopefully they'll veer off into,

speeding up and you get it. If they hit a wall or they hit a sheep and they fall over then hopefully they'll veer off into... Speeding up. How do you get it? If they hit a wall or they hit a sheep and they fall over, then that's funny and then we had a fucking stag do.

Do you not worry if you crashed and you'd be found like that? You wouldn't be found, I suppose, but... What did Daniel go? Drive back his arse and your arse

is completely out. You don't see where he landed? No, I just saw him go up in the air and then I threw my head back at laughing and then by that time he was gone. My favourite thing about the quad bike

was the miniature history lesson in the middle. Oh, God! Which was totally and utterly not needed. It was like he was burning time. I feel so sorry for anyone who, just in their normal everyday job that they enjoy doing, has to have a bit of public speaking that they do not like doing because yeah and which is fine man but public speaking is like one of the

like number one fears in the world like i think for a lot of people like it's up there with but it terrifies people so and not everyone's good at it even if you don't mind it no it was good so what a lot of people do and this is absolutely fair i'm not here to criticize it i don't want you to have any more anxiety if this is one of your things these cunts that work it uh it's it's it's it's not just a quad bike and it's shooting it's it's uh fucking i have that i did it for paintballing doing for escape rooms where you've got yeah you've got a stock bet where you've got groups of people coming in and you've got to repeat the same thing

and what you do is you just you say the same thing over and over and you think you're doing good because it gets laughs off of muggles

who don't so you do this thing every day but as a fucking professional performer I wish there was just a sign where whenever

they're about to do one of these speeches I'm like just don't buddy don't put any performance on this it's not worth your time just tell me the rules which I already know don't do this don't get any performance on this it's not worth your time just tell me the rules

which I already know don't do this don't kick your arse out but I don't need this I know the rules and then he was also during quarterback during an hour long session

where you're like trying to get as much bag for your back he's like should we all get off here and I'll tell you the history of the area no motherfucker

he disguised it With us as he was Taking a picture Yeah Like you know I like this guy But that was I thought he was

And the quad biker was classed So it was a good thing But that two minutes Was very funny Where we all were just like Why are we not on the quads Yeah Yeah

Salmon jump up this river They go left right There's a salmon Ladder Which is like Several pools At different heights Because they created Damage to salmon To stuff They go left right There's a salmon ladder Which is like several pools At different heights Because they create a dam

And there's just salmon To stuff We paid money for this Motherfucker Fuck off I can google this I can't Like

That is The best part That he pointed out He goes That is the fucking Shillelagh mountain Well it actually isn't It's the one behind it

I've been told But I've been telling people It was this one for a long time and I was just like so I can't even listen I can't even trust what you're doing no

he was just he was a real he was somebody that grew up in the highlands and you know has occasionally ventured down to other cities you know

he's a northerner like a not northerner the way it sounds a bit it sounds a bit racist you're about to you're starting your mouth's closing a bit going they're just they're fucking northerners they're all a bit fucking sc it sounds a bit racist you're starting your mouth closing a bit

they're just a little bit fucking scum a little bit fucking a little bit of that it won't be the way that you say it because you have this observation which I which is you can always tell how bad somebody is by the way they pronounce certain

words which is you know if somebody says Arab the way they pronounce certain words which is you know if somebody says Arab yeah yeah is way worse than Arab Moslem Moslem is the other one if somebody goes there's just a couple of Moslems

like oh that's not there's no like if you were a good person if you were a good person if you said Muslim there's a 50% chance you're a good person or you're about to be a dick about it

but if you say Moslem 100% of whatever is about to come out your mouth it's not going to be great it're about to be a dick about it but if you say Muslim 100% of whatever is about to come out your mouth it's not going to be great aye it's going to be real bad news for everyone who

if you pronounce it Arab I know your opinion on Arabs so what's the if I'm like what's the most way to say Northern to be like

just where you know it's what did Thatcher call the Geordies I guess oh my god I don't know workers yeah workers yeah Just when you know it's... What did Thatcher call the Geordies, I guess? Oh, my God. I don't know. Workers? Yeah, workers.

Yeah. Milkless little sops. Milkless sops. Milkless sops. I feel like I... Do you remember what you were doing the day Margaret Thatcher died? Oh, do I? Not at the end of it. We all remember what we were doing at the end of the day. Icher died? Oh, do I? Not at the end of it. We all remember what we were doing

at the end of the day. I was burning my clothes. No, I don't actually. No. It wasn't actually that. How long ago was it? Oh, fucking good question. I'm going to guess

it's not as long as I think it is. Like seven years ago, six years ago. Where did we go? I'm going to say 2015. I think I have in my head actually. That's what I have in my head. What year did you get it? 15.

Oh, 13. Oh, that's fucking hell. Look at the state of that old fucking cunt. I mean, she even looks like... Oh, there's just... There's a look of... It's something that I cannot believe that after so many years of it,

that the British British population the majority has not picked up on it which is man you can you can tell a cunt is a cunt in this country yeah yeah by the way they fucking look

yeah you can fuck man we've had enough fucking bad politicians in here that we know exactly what the fucking neck jaws we're looking for is yeah yeah

right we know exactly what the fucking sunken little sad beady little seagull eyes look like we know how they fucking dress we knowagull eyes look like we know how they fucking dress we know what they

fucking sound like we know how they look down their noses at us but still and then they just churn out the fucking new one

the new flavour and Jacob Rees-Mogg comes out and half the country goes I don't see why people don't like him there's just someone

about him he's in a suit he's what how are we still letting any of these cunts anywhere near

any level every yeah every single one of them they're the only reason the show like spitting image ever existed

because they were most easily parodiable parodiable motherfuckers in the world like each one of these cunts

If they were walking through London city centre And you had those caricaturists nearby You're the dream With those fucking jewels And those fucking horrible lugs Slightly inflated I think there should be more discrimination in politics Listen I know

This is a harsh version of it for Tom But what I'm saying is if we were all lined up, all of our friends lined up and all wearing the exact same thing and you had to choose which one was the Tory. Yeah. Oh, everyone would get

Tom. Everyone would get him in a second. Yeah, yeah. So line up. Number three please. Just a look, which is why I find it so funny When the You know When people start getting offended By the word gammon Oh that was great So very good

I love people that They get Like remember the Karens were saying It was like the N word What's this Bald people It's a very funny one I love it

There's like all these people That you don't ever Call the bald man bald And there's like Support groups and stuff about it you're like guys you're just going to make it worse for yourself you're just going to yeah I also do

like whenever there's stories about those those people that say oh you know there were people that claimed that gammon was the n-word I'm like did those people actually do that or is this the media do what it does to both sides? Which is it goes, right, I need you to hate this site so much

that I'm going to go find the most mental incident of one person and I'm going to ram that in your face. And while you're yelling at that, I'm going to get the worst reaction out of you cunts and drag it all the way over there and show it to them. Because as long as you hate each other, I get to sell my newspapers. It's like Twitter. You only see the extreme left or right,

whereas most people are actually directly in the vote. Which is why Twitter is always so confused whenever there's a vote on anything. They're like, but how did Donald Trump win? And you're like, because most people are on Twitter. That's great. Speaking of fucking Tories, then we went clay pigeon shooting

and we turned up We had a wee wager We were doing our usual thing I don't gamble That much But you and I must place Close to 50 to 60 Bets randomly on different things every year

I'm pretty sure this is the only one I've won in a while From a loan To football randomly on different things every year. I'm pretty sure this is the only one I've won in a while. Certainly. From alone, straight through to football, to later in the day, again. But I think we played things. But Clay Pigeon Pichutton, that was the most... I felt awkward with Monty.

Yeah, so they... They seemed fine though, they were fine. Yeah, but... We went there and there was... We had to split up in groups of three. Well, sorry, three separate groups. And there were three instructors. And they were all people that lived in the north of Scotland.

And their job was like game groundsmen. Groundsmen, I guess. Their job was to shoot pheasants at country clubs over the years. And now they're, you know, retired-ish. They're a breed of people that I don't think you'll ever see again. I agree.

I was like, this is such a weird man. They're such a weird type of person and nobody's training to be this anymore because this job is obviously fucking dead and this type of person is dead because the internet exists now and thankfully I don't really feel like Scotland or places in the UK is enough of a place where children can grow up

is sheltered enough to become whatever the fuck you are again. Yeah, because we have them a few places in Ireland. I had to fucking dress up as the cunts. Aye, that was the bet. That was what I was going to bring up. The worst part is when you were... So basically Daniel was given an outfit. When youunts. Aye, that was the bet. That was what I was going to bring up. The worst part is when you were, so basically Daniel was given an outfit.

When you put it on, it was very funny. You put it on in the cafe and I kind of looked at him and went, that all looks very expensive for a stag outfit. Yeah, it was a joke thing. They tried to dress me up as most like, basically a Tory as they could to dress me up to go on the Tory. Clay pigeon shooting.

Clay pigeon shooting. So it was old boots. They just dressed exactly like them yeah every like Ali got most of his stuff

from a second hand shop and some of it was his and I think like the wool line shirt was purchased but I put it on and Ali and

Kai were definitely they were like you don't look as bad as you could ah yeah like it's not like you actually pull it off a fair bit. And I was like, thank God.

And thank God we did. Because when we got up there, I was wearing identical clothes to like four of these other old fucking cunts. And it was this immensely awkward moment where everyone else in our group of 16 is dressed completely and utterly normal. I'm the only one dressed like a cunt. And I'm dressed like every other person. And they're like, so what's the occasion? And we're like, stag do? And they're like, and who's the stag?

And everyone points to me and there's just this crystallising moment in some of their faces and they go, oh, we're being made fun of. Yeah, yeah. Like the bad, oh, it's fucking excruciating. You had to just walk straight up there and be like, be like, Be like no

They told me I chose to wear this I think this is A really good look You fucking This is not even as bad But it's like Someone

Imagine someone Came to your show Dressed in a mad Load of Daniel Sloss gear And you're asking What's the stag This cunt Yeah yeah

Oh yeah You're like It's not as bad even Because it's thing But like It's still You're like This cunt Will you fucking Yeah yeah Oh yeah It's not as bad even Because it's thing But like it's still You're like This cunt Will you fucking

If yeah If somebody went And dressed up as me As dress up as me On Halloween I'd go Hey What do you mean by that

On Halloween Okay Not national Not world book day On Halloween That's when you dress up as me Interesting You're like

Well girls like to dress up sexy Maybe boys do too. I want to call a bunch of people out here. I guarantee that when I said a bunch of people are going to dress up as me on Halloween, I guarantee at least 5% of these fucking sarcastic cunts

went, oh, black shirts and black trousers. Fuck off. It's called, you have a work uniform? I have one. Grow up. By the way, we got the most grow up we got the

most Tory we got the most Tory of the Tories of those it was Monty

when he said his name was Monty you were just like I couldn't guess that

I shouldn't be able to guess that your name is Monty he liked the title like the

juke he liked the title he liked to be called the juke. Oh, I... He liked the title. He was like, it's going to be called The Juke. And then he would laugh or do that guffaw. Like, bha! Oh! And you're like... And randomly, oh, God, there was one point where he's walking around

and you can just tell this man fucking hates... All these men don't like women. Yeah, yeah. Women, try it again. To country cops. and that's where you drink whiskey and you fucking talk about them fucking whores and he's walking around with his

fucking gun and his little fucking friend and he's just making remarks and laughing at his own remarks and we're all being polite we'll make fun of him in our heads but we're not going to do it to his face, he's a good instructor, he's giving us a nice time we get up

and he's like, you're not doing too bad not doing too bad but I think he was drunk or whether he just drank so much over the years that he just had that permanent garble you're not doing too bad gentlemen, not too bad gentlemen not too bad

and I was like have you ever had anyone hit zero and god I wish I'd never asked because he just got this look of like

oh I get to tell a story like that was half way through to pick up the gun he was like well I tell you there was

one time gentlemen and I was oh I remember summoning this girl and you know she he wasn't good it wasn't good it wasn't Gentleman And I was Oh I remember Summoning this girl And you know She

He wasn't good He wasn't good It wasn't But she At that pace She was She was Quite diabolical

I'm turning into Sean Connery For no reason He looked like A fucking I said he looked like The penguin Because he looked like

Danny DeVito's penguin And his name was Monty he looked like like have you ever seen like a cartoon of a turtle taken out of its shell just like you know like we're in the looney tunes where they take off to go for a shower and they've just got all this droopy skin he was that he was the embodiment of that do you remember he looked like he was a host of channel 4 horse racing

oh god yes yes he absolutely fucking did that's what he was that John what do you call him that guy that died John Crenshaw

or something like that yeah he was a small one of them crushed looks like he was he would definitely be on the antiques road show betting on like

an just building on an old shitty porcelain clock blah blah blah 700 720 oh and then after that was the

Friday where we got drunk and then we just got very drunk we put on the fucking first of all by the way we arrived in the place

and we were like this is very nice blah blah blah we went in the barn and everything yeah yeah yeah so we get to this place and my anxiety

always with stag do's and stuff like that is I'm always so conscious about how much noise are me and my noisy friends going to make and how will that noise

affect other people around me because there's nothing I hate more than people being loud and obnoxious. Whereas Ali and Kai found this fucking perfect place, which is literally, they're like, hey, this is for stags and hens. We've got a fucking curfew in the thing. You know, outside you can't be out drinking past 11 because you're inside of each other. But we've made these places so that you can stay up

and be as stupid as you like. So we get there, there's four bedrooms filled with fucking bunks, there's a kitchen, huge ass table, we get there, there's outside,

nice sunny day, there's one table and we're like, okay, and there's a fire pit and a jacuzzi and we're like, I mean, the table definitely does,

there's such a long table in the kitchen, definitely sits 16 people but outside this only sleeps like 10 and then the guy comes around and he goes oh by the way

in here and he opens up this thing and there's this huge barn with another bunch of tables and chairs

and we're like oh this is perfect and if it rains we can just all hang in this barn and it's semi outside this makes sense we're drinking

more people arrive hours yeah drinking having fun pretty sure we had a fucking game of football at one point

yeah and then we're all outside drinking the smoke and Big Ali runs out and goes I need everyone

through in the kitchen immediately and we're like mother no buddy I think they were making dinner oh no

we were trying to get the barbecue working outside there was problems with it but whatever Big Ali was part of that and he's like I literally must insist that was his exact words and we all go through all 16 of us drinking being like why the fuck are we in the sketch and he goes so

we worked out how to get the oven working i remember going are you fucking serious there's just this moment in the room where like fucking 14 men are about to go did you just fucking like make us put down our fucking smokes and our like and our fucking drinks to come and tell us like you're in the middle of making it is that what this fucking is yeah and then he went oh no also we found an extra room like what the fuck the cupboard

and I could have sworn it was a cupboard that nobody decided to check in the kitchen because it was down the far fucking cupboard there was nothing in my I didn't even have to check it just looked like it didn't you know if it was down the far it was right there because it looked like a fucking cupboard yeah there was nothing in my I didn't even have to check it just looked like it didn't you know

you'd know if it was made for look it's where you keep mops that's what it was there was nothing there was nothing else in this there was no point to open it because all you'd see

is a little electricity box maybe a water meter and a broom that's what was that was what was always going to be in there it looked like an emergency exit type of door too

so it looked like a door you don't go oh come in here this is where the good part you know this is a fun time yeah it's like it almost felt as if i had like signs with like we're staying at a door and they're like hey oh this is where the fuse box is yeah don't just don't open it just don't this don't fuck with it please uh they open this door and we go downstairs into this huge fucking bunker with an L-shaped couch, with another fucking table, with TVs, an outdoor bit in the back to smoke. Oh, God. Like it dropped right down like an old school,

an extranger thing in a basement. 16 people separately, individually walked into that house, dropped their stuff off in a dorm of their choice, went through, dropped their booze off in the front of the kitchen. None of them. Nobody.

None of them went to open that fucking thing thank god Big Alec did imagine getting to the end of that fucking weekend oh you find it and you're cleaning up on the Sunday

oh that would have been devastating and you open it and you're like there's another fucking room that's such a good room oh god you'd be gutted

especially if you you know yeah because that made bunking up easier because Grant slept there on one of the nights and then we

yeah and that was a place where we could all hang out and be noisy because it was good it was down

underground and inside and warm and there was a TV we were playing fucking Quip Blash

and shit wouldn't be my stag unless we played mostly board games possibly one of the funniest

games of Quip Blash we had that was on the Saturday but we were so tired and drunk

and people were high. It was the perfect level of game of like I can concentrate on this and just be as funny as... And your brother had the joke of the... which was what is it again? Why would you get rid of...

What do you use to get rid of tapeworm? And he said scissor worm. Now that wasn't... It was okay but for a bunch of big people at one in the morning. God we sobbed I was like nobody nobody will ever reach that height

in their careers. That's how the level I was screaming. Gareth as well kept making it worse. He was fucking giggling Absolutely giggling. So the Friday night was saying by the way you were in the

jacuzzi and Gareth started like there was four guys in the jacuzzi it was full yeah Gareth starts

I could see Gareth at the table like starting to take off his clothes underneath I was like what the fuck is he doing

I was like I know what he's up to right blah blah blah Kai goes to fucking film it you know puts the thing up Obviously fucked it

Fucked the video But Gareth of course Basically ran up And absolutely cannonballed In it Very funny Water everywhere

I was more worried about He's going to hurt four people Yeah yeah yeah There's that little space In the fucking thing But Kai won't up them Oh he jumped in

Straight after Oh like completely But he went backwards Without looking And I was like Jeez he's going He's like absolutely going brain dead Someone

I kept lifting the chlorine thing too Going what is this What's this off Oh just the Oh good is that what that was Because I did think that was like a plug At the bottom of that thing So I've been going around

And no matter how many times Beav said to me It's the chlorine thing It's supposed to float. He's even told us, don't worry about this. Just let it float around. But I kept going, oh my God. It's come off the thing.

It's going to suck up my arsehole. Kai, on the Saturday night, we'd gone out the back for a couple of smokes, me and my brothers, him and Gareth. And I can't remember what story I was telling, but look, we're all fucked. But I go, did I tell you this thing the other day? Kai goes, no, tell me. story I was telling but look we're all fucked but I go did I tell you this thing

near the dick he goes no tell me and I start telling the story and just like 15 seconds into the story he's just he's got his beard on

he's got his tennis and he opens it up right and clearly it's been shaken up before I don't think intentionally but it's just been fizzed up at some point

and he's just picked it up because I'm halfway through telling the story and he goes and sprays it all over his face sprays to the sides and we all point and laugh and go ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

and obviously just giggle away at it and he goes sorry dad you're telling a story please continue your story and I'm like oh right sorry so I'll just start again so I start telling the story I get 20 seconds into the story to the exact same part of the story where he's done it before and he just sprays it out of his mouth as if he's shocked to the story which again brilliant

call back to the this mildly funny thing that just happened but you know what you've you've committed you but we're we're comedians i laughed gareth laughed my brothers laughed it's funny um i'm obviously uh'm obviously we settled down and he's like oh sorry actually tell the story this time I promise not to be a dick and there's always an inkling in the back of your head going right was that the joke

or are we now on the rule of three or are we now in a bit where the bit is now who's the bottom of this joke, when does it fucking end get to the a bit where the bit is now who's the bottom of this joke when does it fucking end get to the same bit of the story

he upends the entire clan of tenants over his fucking head pulling it all over his body which is the best way to end yeah it's the the ultimate

yeah and no I never never got to tell the rest of the story because you can't after that point no there's no there's nothing even if the story because you can't after that point no no

there's no there's nothing even if the story was I had sex with the queen people go can I just put a beard over his head yeah put a chip in yeah

tomorrow tell us tomorrow when we're not too busy being stereotypical of lads lads lads oh that was excellent did you jump in the so the next morning

did you do that whole jumping in the lake yes me morning Did you do that whole Jumping in the lake Yes Me You're a sick bitch Me Gene Eric

Grant And Jordan Decided To walk down To Lochte To go for a For a duke

A duke A duke Okay A duke A D Double O K A duke Okay Going for a duke A duke in the loke. Okay. A duke. A D-O-O-K. A duke. Okay.

Going for a duke. A duke in the loch. I've never heard of it. It's a duke. You duke. Wouldn't be. You know, usually, Ulster Scotch,

a lot of words would be used. I've never heard that one. You know, if you're dunking for apples, you're duking for apples. Okay. Well, I didn't have the dunking for apples, remember? Oh, yeah.

So this is already. Just duking for toys. So We think Because we can see the loch And there's signs that go Loch this way So you assume it's five minutes away Man it was a 30 minute walk away

Through a field of sheep And forests and over rivers And I was fine Because I was in my trainers And my trousers And Eric and Beavs were fine Because they were in their trainers But Grant and Jean

Were in their sandals slash UGG boots and I think Jean was just in her bikini costume with a hoodie on and a towel wrapped around her waist because she thought she was, anyway she got down, fair play to Jean You give up

Well I said to her at the bottom I can't believe you didn't throw a tantrum and just storm off then because 20 minutes into that it's probably when I would have kicked, I'm like, I can't believe you didn't throw a tantrum and just storm off then. Because 20 minutes into that, it's probably when I would have kicked off. She was like, oh, I fully kicked off. You were just so far ahead that when I kicked off, Grant stopped me turning around. He was like, we might as well go at this point. Yeah, yeah.

All get to the bottom. All got into the freezing cold Lochte. And then got too drunk because we'd brought whiskey down with us. And you know how whiskey warms you up after doing a lovely wee dook. And then we didn't want to go back up that way so we just walked the roadway. Longer?

Yeah, way longer. And the whole time we're like, I'm still cold. And then we get to the... They were like, this is such an easy walk as well. This is such a pleasant walk. We should have done with this walk last time.

Not realising that the reason we're enjoying this walk so much is because we're fucking... We get back to the fucking part where we're like, I thought we came down with a full one, but there's only a quarter of this left. Uh-oh. And that's the only reason why Gareth drew with me at golf.

Okay, yeah. We didn't go golf. We're going to end there Because I also There's plenty of things With the stag That me and Kyle will go through And everything

You know what You just got a lacklustre episode today And that's because we didn't plan And Thursday might not be much better Because I'm aware it might just be Kyle and Nelson At that point But next week is when things might start turning around. Stay tuned, fuckos.

Do, because funny shit happens.