Sloss and Humphries On The Road - "I bet you I can clap last" (ft. Gareth Waugh)

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

Cream is joined by resident ginger Gareth Waugh in today's episode where they discuss their time at the Final Fantasy Orchestra, how horrible pregnancies are, and flavour it all with a healthy dose of thinly-veiled sexism.   We are proud to still be sponsored by Thistly Cross Cider, who have recently released their limited-time Rum Cask Cider, so make sure to stock up while it is available and enjoy (responsibly) Go to thistlycrosscider.co.uk and use code: THISTLYSLOSSNOVEMBER for 10% your order, for UK residents only, and you must be over 18 years old

I don't know the fuck because obviously we're going to talk about the fucking eh the the the concert. Friday night. It was Friday night wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah you said so on em last Monday I think everyone was asking what people were doing on Friday because people were trying to make plans for things and you're like oh I can't I can't go eh because I'm going to a concert and I'm like cool what band are you seeing and uh you said, whoa, whoa, whoa, sir. I did not say band. And I was like, so what is it that you're going to see? Is it like a solo singer guy?

No. You just, you kept dodging questions like nothing else. Ducking, bobbing, weaving. You were having none of it. I became the one. Yeah. I was just like. Yeah, who is it?

Is it a girl singer? Is that why you're embarrassed? Is it a tribute act? And you weren't giving me anything. So I did something very womanly. It's funny because I know what it is. Yeah, which is I just went, right, well, if they're not going to tell me, I'm going to use the internet to arrive at my own conclusion.

Yeah. And I Googled concerts in Edinburgh. to tell me i'm going to use the internet to arrive at my own conclusion yeah and i googled concerts in edinburgh and like it's really hard because like there was like four bands and i don't know anything about music so it could be any one of these four bands but i don't know what the genre of them is i don't know what to accuse them of and then i scrolled down and there was one i was like oh that'll be it it was the edinburgh royal orchestra society i think that's what they're called rnso i think it is the royal national squash orchestra orchestra yeah yeah usher hall doing the music from the final fantasy games, that's correct. Yeah. Your honour. Allegedly.

Now, I've done it wrong. I'll never, I'll never skip on a chance to be brutally homophobic and bullying to any of my friends. Yeah. So of course there was. Got a bit of bullying from everybody in the chat.

It's from a man who's got the entire limited edition Cosmere yeah so I mean you know I'm a loser I get it if there was like Lord of the Rings

next time they do a Lord of the Rings one there's not a chance I wouldn't be going to yeah yeah like especially if they the movie on in the background

yeah I thought that because the concert was great but I thought they'd have like some visuals and show some bits from the games yeah

but I mean it was fine well your friend your friend who makes me go on with pulled out and then you messaged me four hours earlier on friday being like hey i know you yeah thought this was gay but is there any chance you want to come tonight and i was like 100 percent yeah yeah absolutely the very least i get to like I get to be the hardest person In a room And that's super rare for me Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah

The most sexually active as well Oh, yeah, yeah I had sex with More people Than that entire building combined Even if they all had sex With each other Yeah, yeah, yeah

That night Yeah, yeah, yeah Still doesn't Doesn't affect the big dog So we went to the pub beforehand and you were like edible

and I'm like this just got way better never in my life as a man that's taken heaps and heaps of drugs never have I had

a better timed drug oh my god it was unreal I feel like it started hitting right as the orchestra were going like

you know how they do that like like they're all warming up which you said the very funny thing where he was like that's like us going on were going like, you know how they do that, like, like they're all warming up, which you said the very funny thing where he was like, it's like us going on stage going like,

knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Doctor, doctor. There's a fly in my throat. Ba, ba, ba, ba, doctor, doctor. Yeah, because they just, they're just,

they're on stage when you walk in there. Yeah. And like. It's like being a summer hall whip. Yes. Very sort of like natural. And they're It was like being a summer hall whip. Yes. Very sort of like natural.

And they're all suited and booted. They're all dressed nicely. Yes. And it is like, guess who? But you can see all their faces, but it's with autism. What neurodivergence does each of these people have? Because you don't get to be one of the best musicians in the country without heaps of autism,

neurodivergency of any sort of thing. And Tiger Woods' dad. Yeah, abuse. Yeah, yeah. Like either you were so abused as a child that music was your escape and you'd get like fucking beaten. And then they'd be like, have your wee gay violin.

And then you'd sit in your room and cry and just make music up off the fucking spot. Yeah, yeah. Or Tiger Woods' dad hitting you with a violin. Yeah. Being like, I want a C sharp! I want a C! Whatever.

Major. Major. Is that the other one? I liked that at the start, the conductor, most useless job in the world. Oh, what a charlatan. He at the start said, do we have any gamers here?

I think he was German. Yeah. Austrian. He had an evil accent. And an evil name. When he came on, his name was like... Von Killer.

Yeah, yeah. Go staff Von Killer. They could never be like, and this is your conductor for tonight, Stephen Smith. He'd be scarred down like one white eye. It was a three-barreled name. It was something Von something.

Do we have any gamers in the audience? I'm just doing Werner Herzog now. That would be great. And what about in the orchestra? Do we have any gamers? And like two of them put their hand up and he pointed to one woman and went, you will see she is sat in third chair if she didn't play so many video games and played some more violin perhaps she would be first chair and it got such a huge laugh and i was like god

this is the easiest gig to get laughing oh yeah yeah absolutely in the world yeah and then like i mean the arrogance of the fucking Conductor Right Is Look If he Is the person When the show's not on Who's like Right And then you do this

And then you do this And then you do this And he's training them Behind the scenes Fair enough Yeah Real fucking job If his job

Is just up there What an You're coming up You're coming up It's you Yeah That's it That's the whole thing

Like he's Oh shit He's the arrow From fucking Guitar hero That's all he is yeah he's the human version of dance dance revolution do you think he can play all those instruments as well as all them can though is that like a point like he could go no you're doing it wrong and if he picked up he could just do it not do you think he's a one-man band no nobody is no man's an island or a band but yeah the edible kicked in right as it started and then you turned to me and went this edible's kicked i went i know it was it was perfect because like everyone's going off

their music because obviously they're fucking really like oh man tuneful fucking songs and this conductor's just up there being like i'm like buddy no i can see that nobody's looking at you yeah they're all looking at the music because the music sheet is telling them what to do here and you're just like and steve on the drum you're gonna be up in like a wee fucking elongated professor flitwick just giving a big licks as if he's got anything to do i don't think he did anything at all no also you don't have to be that camp there's no

what's the in between switch you can go you the reason he does that is so that everyone who's not mesmerised

he must do a thing where he's like more of something does he do does he do any of these I need a bit more more mozzarella por favor

mucho mucho gusto I have no idea why he does He's doing it easier. I need a bit more. More mozzarella, por favor. Mucho. Mucho gusto. I have no idea what he does, but we watched him for a while. And then my favorite moment of the whole thing. There was a point, you timed it great because you didn't know what was going on in my head,

but I was like, I was so close to laughing out loud going, what are we doing? Like, what is this? I'm watching a bunch of people play video game music and then you grab my leg like thierry henry and i'm jamie carragher and you go the pianist has no song sheet but you said it's so aghast like the pianist has no song sheet and i was like oh my god that is the funniest thing you could have said in that moment

genuine shock from you like well first of all it was one of the very few times the conductor like because i didn't even see the piano get there piano's normally off to the fucking left clearly during one of the wee breaks they moved it to in front of the conductor and my oh yes you were at the toilet yeah so my stone brain hadn't even fucking registered it so i spent most of that time being like have i never noticed that there was a piano there before? So there was a good five minutes where I'm like, fucking, is this Penn and Taylor as well?

This is unbelievable. And he's going, but doing all the fucking music. And I'm like, there's no, there's no music sheet in front of him. That's unbelievable. There's no way he's riffing this. And also he's not one of the people that stuck his hand up being like, this is my favorite fucking game.

How on earth does this cunt know this off by heart what sort of autistic genius like is he like the way Darren Brown can allegedly read a book is he just scans

each page fucking photo memory and then blah blah blah meanwhile Brian on the drums is going dum dum dum

oh yeah that guy with the five drums I was laughing laughing so much thinking that guy was like such a simpleton. Like I pictured him at like parties in my head. How's work? What do you do?

He's like, I play five drums. I'm in an orchestra. I go five drums, same size. You got to hit the right one at the right time or the whole thing messed up. What's the, what different sounds do they make? Yeah, boom, boom, boom. And of course my favourite, boom. What different sounds do they make? Boom Boom Boom And of course my favourite

Boom They all go boom And I smack them The pianist I don't want to say it But if you are listening You could get his ethnicity You could tell Where in the world that man was from

he had one of them strict dads very good at the piano didn't have sheep music very studious put in whoever you you you think into that yeah and that was him And it was no surprise But he was very good He was unbelievable The whole thing was really good I loved like Listening for a bit And then like trying to

Watch just one person Seeing what they were contributing Remember the fucking Big double bass man His head was going He was Off his nut Because everyone else

Playing the double bass Is just like Boom boom boom boom he was so into it every note was the most important

thing like a death metal band got the head going like an animated fucking every note

really giving it big clicks like you can tell he's there's no way you could punch that guy i'll tell you that for free no his head was bobbing and weaving yeah yeah you could try and punch but you just couldn't i spent a lot of time obviously not realizing understood realizing how much i fucking understand about uh music who the fuck is phoning me like

the tone of it because remember at one point you were like this is clearly battle music yeah i've never played games and i'm like that's about music i feel like this is a love scene this is a boss fight yeah i'm guessing that um the first few games though like i've not really played them so the first i would say the first four or five songs i didn't recognize a single one which then made me laugh because I thought, well, this isn't about video games anymore. Daniel and I are just at the orchestra. Neither of us know these songs, so we're just enjoying an orchestra play. Oh, man, I was on the perfect amount of fucking weed.

And also that edible did not stop coming. Yeah. It's been a while since I've done weed. And like, obviously your tolerance fucking goes down but like it kicked in i'm like oh this'll this is good this is a perfect level to be and then after the fucking interval i was like it's not it just keeps rolling over i feel like i'm a tube of toothpaste it's like i can get more higher yeah when you went to the toilet i went that is so brave i would not face stairs right now we were fucking silly little children yeah giggling away in the orchestra i was mesmerized i'm not like i'll make fun of it but like i i said to car

after i'm like i would absolutely go back to the orchestra it was superb yeah if it was something especially like if i enjoyed it that much it was something i've never played before i don't get it i liked it that much i can't imagine how much because they did like the halo soundtrack oh my fucking god with a choir i reckon i would genuinely cry and i reckon i reckon that would be the woman a single tear rolling down my face the best bit was when there was a slight pause in the music and a man next to us sneezed oh my god

we policed that so hard he sneezed like four rows away and we went it was just like the tiniest little lull in the music where it was like bum bum bum bum and we were like

you fucking you piece of fucking shit you can't fucking hold it can you yeah oh god that was so funny I can see why it was entertainment

400 years ago I've never understood like see every time I go to like you're in fucking Greece you're in fuck somewhere in England like oh look at this

massive outdoor amphitheater you're like man if I had a time machine or if I looked back I'd just kill myself like going outside to just watch people fucking play music. No background thing. You wouldn't try and get up there?

What's the deal with these Romans, man? What's with the weird hat? Yeah, what is this? For cleaning the undersides of your horse? Am I right? Lieutenant Toilet Brush over there. Oh, I'm being crucified. Cancel culture gone bad

Baby, I need a Trojan And that'll be funny in 300 years Hey, if Jesus is such a fucking Jew Why is he not up here, huh? He runs the media Herod hates babies, right? He does That guy fucking

Bud, bud Throw him down a hill What was his river thing? I've been on a donkey with one crying before. I get it. No, I got it. I was like,

I can understand why you'd fucking say, because also, because it's going to go, right? It's not going to be around forever. Like young people don't give a fuck about the orchestra.

But we didn't give a fuck about the orchestra. Maybe that's the way, because I was thinking about this while we're watching. I'm like, maybe that's how orchestra fucking survives, right? Is gradually over the next 50 years, the amount they play Mozart will just fucking plummet.

Did anybody go to raves in the 90s? Here is Scooter. Yeah. Welcome to the Royal National Symphony Orchestra Of DJ Tiesto All of the pill-bobbing raves From the 90s You're like, fucking

If this guy does I can't name any fucking Tiesto songs I was also going down Eat, Sleep, Rave and Pee Adagio, The Strings is one The last time i was in the usher hall i was on ecstasy great man watching an orchestra perform uh the music of love actually

while the film played behind them now that's an interesting mummy uh nick uh was supposed to be taking a girl she cancelled and so he was like do you want to go Basically the same thing that happened with us And I was like yeah I'll go And then on the way there I was like Hey I've got some MDMA do you want to take And he went absolutely But it was the worst experience

At first it was great I was like this is fun But there's a point in the film where it goes all static And I thought oh it's the interval They've stopped playing music And the static has been up here for I'm going to say 30 seconds in my head so i just went and then the film starts again i was like oh no and the whole theater starts laughing like and they're looking up and nick's like why why why why did you do that and i was i thought it was the interval i was giving them an out there was

a few times where there was a long silence at the final fantasy thing and i thought people should be clapping right now i'm not fool me once i'm not gonna be on drugs in this building starting a round of applause again that's crazy but then we did turn into like kids on a high school trip out doing something culture for once because just during one of the rounds of applause after a tune, you went, Betty, I'm the last one clapping. And so it just went to like everyone's clapping

and she and be going it's great because nobody can tell you off for it no you're like I'm enjoying the show they kicked me out for laughing so this is an orchestra Yeah I just

I really It was really funny Did you not see the double bass player's head Come on Yeah I spent so much of that time also Just going What fucking instrument's that

Who What's Where's that noise coming from Yeah yeah Because one bit There was like a little Oh there was a man with brushes Yeah

And I Because like at the back that's worse than the five drum guy 100 i was work oh yeah the brushes were really integral to the song today they finally needed a brush guy and they all laughed at me when i said i'm studying the brush but here i am he had castanets at one point on his legs yeah that guy yeah quite enjoyed that he was he was had a lot of things going on well that's why i realized it's like the percussion people at the fucking back like kept walking around because like obviously everyone's got one instrument but like each one of them was

in charge of like 10 different instruments yeah it's like right there's only a little bit of xylophone there's only about two songs for the brush and then yeah cast net's gonna come up 1.1 can't have maracas like there was a big drum as well one big drum huge which was great fun that guy was really into it i do think they could have done a bit more i haven't a bit more humor like having not played the games like the thing that i would love if i ever went to see the halo orchestra i really want them halfway through the uh the music To do the sounds Of me getting hit By a grenade

And my health bar Depleting And the shields going And then like Oh but they can't say Slurs on stage Why? Because you would have

Been shouting that No way that hit me You Yeah I mean They did do one little bit Where the big trombone I guess

was that a trombone I don't know one of the brass things orchestra banner where it was like a fart sound or he just kept playing when he

shouldn't he basically did like a little solo and the conductor was looking at him then looking at us like what is this bloody cheeky

chops like yeah it was real and it was getting such big laughs I was like grow up you all need to grow up

these fucking yeah video game people we did walk around during the break and afterwards stoned off of our nuts just being like

the clientele is exactly what you picture in your head somebody who attends a fantasy orchestra you nailed it

make no changes oh yeah I think there's a guy in suede dungarees yeah and I was like he wasn't making

a coffee either nah nah also there was a cured Harvey Price oh man that was so funny

just that we were in the queue getting like fucking teenagers and nothing and this I swear because we were just commentating getting like fucking teenagers and nothing and this I swear

because we were just commentating on everyone going past I was like man there's so many schools that have not went shot up today yeah yeah

there was a guy who had four different fucking haircuts in one right oh man he moved this right so we saw him from like this side

so he had like fringe with bald long comb over and mullet and i'm like buddy that's fucking three in one and then we got around the other side of him and the comb went into emo fringe and we were like oh my yeah sick yeah so dope let me smell every one of your fingers i bet they smell like a different pussy i tell you the thing I didn't like about it

was every time the whole audience clapped all the like Dorito dust went in there I fucking I know we shouldn't judge anyone there but let's do it because we're bullies because we were up top stalls looking down yeah good seats

they were good I got to see the fucking ghoulish double bass player yeah at the end the longest standing ovation i've ever seen anything being given in my fucking career like oh yeah how long i know you're wrong it was amazing it was so so good yeah like they deserve that amount of fucking applause but so long one guy and like they deserve that amount of fucking applause but so long one guy seven rows up

just like clapping like fucking leading the applause just kept like fucking pointing at them and smiling and it just I don't know just him being like hey

my fucking my boy hey Debra crush that violin tonight Debra my boy on violin Viola my boy I'm not forgetting you

Mr. Oboe oh no Oboe yeah it was pretty good I forgot how long that

clap was I remember at one point going right come on I mean they can't be making a lot of money

those people in an orchestra no no like it's gotta be surely it's gotta be hobby

like you've got another job and then like at your office show people like what are you doing your Friday night and you're like no Like it's gotta be Surely it's gotta be Hobby Like you've got another job And then like At your office shop People are like What are you doing With your Friday night

And you're like No interaction And you're there I'm gonna get my Tuxedo pressed And go out Yeah yeah yeah Yeah

Yeah surely can't be They were old as well They were quite old The orchestra Yeah A lot of grey hair Which I didn't expect Yeah I reckon once you're retired, you get into it,

and that's when you fucking really come out to it. The younger ones, I was just like, I wonder how much. Because obviously, when you're in primary school and high school, you're like, man, when I become a bully, sorry, when I, I was always a bully, when I become an adult, I can't wait to live in a world where cliques don't exist. Like, we can put all the high school drama behind us.

There's no bitching, there's no bullies,ies there's none of this and then you become an adult and you're like oh it doesn't matter what job i end up in there are cliques yeah there's bullying there's this like it's in stand-up it's in fucking office jobs every time carol was at her work she was like in this group we're doing this and i'm like oh we're all just human do the fucking do you reckon like fucking double bass people Fucking hate the percussion people Oh yeah for sure They won't see them as real musicians Nah nah nah

They proper sneer They don't let them sit at like the table Like one of the new drummers comes in With his big fucking gong bongs Can I sit with you guys And they're like There's no room Nerd

And he's gotta go sit with the other percussion people Or bang on the fucking table Must be quite hard to bully them Because you've got nobody to, like, after your quips go, ba-dooms. Yeah. That's the advantage.

Do it. Ba-dooms. Yeah. Yeah, Derek, you fucking nerd. Just every time you say something awful to him, do the percussion, I don't want it. You fucking do it. That's where you got fucking wrecked, didn't you?

How badly did you get wrecked? Yes. Brian knows. They're all called Derek and Brian in my head. Yeah, yeah. I can't come up with like. And, you know, ethnical names. Ethnical.

Ethnical. Ethnical. Whichnical. Ethnical. Which is ethnic and ethical. Yeah, that's like you trying to be fucking woke but going the other way. I've noticed there's a lot of, don't say C-H-I-N-K, don't say C-H-I-N-K.

Ethnical. Oriental. Oriental. There was one Lady of Oriental persuasion In the In the orchestra Yes

And she No she wasn't wearing a poppy Yeah very interesting Maybe because her dad smoked too much Yeah maybe I didn't see many poppies actually I forgot I was aware of them

Because I had this conversation With Cara the other day Which is like Across the road from us Is a fucking church And there were a bunch of poppies outside And I had to remind myself That I don't

I've been conditioned to think That I hate the fucking poppy Because of Colin No no No no Because all poppy defenders Are the Colin? No, no, no, no. Because all poppy defenders are the worst cunts in the world. Yeah. Right?

People who are like, man, they're all Brexit voting, bald, gammon fuckers. Go away, you're fucking poppy. Because I hate all of those people and everything. I then have to remind myself of like, oh, no, no, man, I am really grateful for all of our soldiers. Yeah, yeah. The dark world will want to do it.

I'm not against them. I'm against how they fucking use it, which I guess is like how a lot of English people must feel about seeing this in George's Cross. I like the poppy. I'll say it. I'm brave. I don't like the poppy on the car.

No. That feels actually disrespectful. Also, because that's where the red nose goes. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. They get there at time of year Yeah Eyelashes

Poppy Uh huh Bit of heather Don't like any of that Nah People always put a bit of heather On the front of their car A bit of heather

Yeah it's apparently good luck Fucking nice But yeah the poppy on the car I'm like Who sees that And goes I love the troops that much Fucking yeah yeah

I love them way more than you My car's got a poppy Yeah I put it on my fucking Prius I love the troops that much. I fucking, yeah, yeah. I love them way more than you. My car's got a poppy. Yeah, I put it on my fucking Prius. I don't think that's what they died for. The car, thinking about all the Jeeps that blew up. A lot of them were wearing poppies. And like, which fair enough, like I get like, I understand the James McLean thing.

He's like, I'm not wearing a fucking poppy. Yeah. Because if it symbolises the British Army, what the British Army did to Ireland, I'm, like, I understand the James McLean thing. He's like, I'm not wearing a fucking poppy. Yeah. Because if it symbolises the British Army, what the British Army did to Ireland, I'm not into it. What did the British Army ever do to China? Don't answer that. I can't be bothered reading it. Right.

I get it. Heroin or something. Nah, don't. Wait, what? Made them cool? You're welcome, China. Yeah, Jesus. Also, they're giving us

fentanyl now well I say that's the yanks are they yeah yeah heaps of like the reason fentanyl is in drugs in America

isn't because drug dealers are like fucking to tell you what's great for the market killing 20% of my clients yeah it's the Chinese

being like this is for 400 years ago playing fucking 3D chess fucking dolphin 3D chess fucking dolphin 3D chess is just chess yeah I guess so I mean unless you play on a computer yeah yeah which they

might because they're robots correct here's a question for you from your western perspective who's more evil China or Russia oh China yeah even though russia's doing ukraine right now yeah but like china does their sneaky stuff don't they they're up to some badness they're super sneaky that we don't know about because russia they're a bunch of white folk aren't they yeah we know they're evil yeah but china russia's also doing it so blatantly They're eating the dogs Russia's doing it so blatantly

But still so fucking well I'd be fucking evil if I lived in Russia It's too cold You gotta fit in If I'm eating fucking cabbage soup Every meal In the freezing cold Every James Bond movie you watch

Your dad's the bad guy You're like, fucking what? If all my fit women, the second they turned 35, turned into babushka, I'd be fucking raging as well. I'd fucking kill a few folk. Here's your cabbage soup.

Fucking deaf to the west, actually. Fucking over there with our heating food and just drinking vodka I don't even like vodka oh but Russian vodka is on it's pretty good yeah it's pretty good

also I don't want any trouble with Russia that was just a laugh yeah yeah come on I met some cool Russians when I was over there but I reckon

they're all dead now yeah yeah I reckon anyone who came to my gig in Moscow was immediately put on a fucking list because I was up there

talking about gay rights and sex education Oh shit And Putin was just like, well everyone who was there Was it Ramsteinsteinstein Ramsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteinsteininnsteininnsteininnsteininnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn They kissed on stage in Russia And had gone in a lot of trouble for that Aye I kissed a bloke in Russia Aye Kai

No No but it was another comedian I was like would you get in trouble Like you're a gay comedian in Russia Would you get in trouble For being gay He's like yeah Like I can't talk about it on stage

And I was like Oh well I'm fucking They're not going to do anything to me Yeah Like I'm fucking I'm white I'm British I'm famous

They can't fucking touch me So I snogged him not realizing that the second i left yeah guy came you've been holding it in the entire time i am a good kisser yeah um they the the evilness the russians like just in the sense that like i think they're quite honest about their evilness. Well, but they're just like, by the way, we're interfering in all your elections.

The entire culture war you're having is because we get bots to play the far right and we get bots to play the far left because you're all so fucking stupid. You join the bots that are on your team and you start screaming at each other and now you don't have democracy anymore. And people are like, hold on, hold on. The left is saying what straight in yeah yeah like the whole thing of like the

but the russians have slaves i feel like china's got a lot of slaves don't they yeah yeah but i feel like they're just making slaves for themselves which all slavery is bad tibetans what's going on in tibet i don't know a thing about any of this me neither well don't worry we're two white men on a podcast we should be allowed to talk about it oh yeah

we just stay confident yeah yeah stay confident free Tibet yeah Russia I get it Ukrainians are annoying

yeah I fucking hate Zinchenko Mudrik turned us down I say bomb them more who else who else is bad Mudrick turned us down I say bomb them more Who else Who else is bad And Australians Just keep doing you

Australians fine Australians yeah They're banning social media For under 16s Are they Apparently yeah Good I think it's a good thing

I think it's a very good thing aye Also as long as it's one of those things That doesn't affect me Yeah They're like we're banning social media For under 16s But yous are already fucked It's the same thing new zealand did with nicotine right right nobody under the age of 21 is allowed to get into smoking now because we know it ruins life but all of you that started smoking ages ago keep going you're fucked you're like x man

that's responsible but it's not affected me big big fan because apparently we might that was one of Rishi Sunak's last things his last Hail Mary to stay in power was like we're going to do the same thing over here

stop kids under the age of fucking if you're under the if you're born after 2002 you're never allowed to buy cigarettes or nicotine under any circumstance

wow aye but you get man good this is like don't we know I understand America this idea of like freedom government shouldn't be wrong I understand America idea of like

freedom government shouldn't be involved in things as an adult the government as long as the government's not evil which I understand is a very hard thing

to fucking get as long as the government isn't evil they just have to be the mums and dads right I'm gutted they implemented

the sugar tax that made iron brew shitter right but I was never I was never going to drink less iron brew so they had to do that for me but I like the coca-cola went

fuck it we'll pay it did they yeah they went we'll pay your sugar tax fuck you we're not changing our recipe suck our fucking fat dick why did you do that when I had cocaine in it you fucking pussies yep yep woke go broke they say yeah they do yeah I say it a lot

I've got it tattooed on my lower back What was I going to say before Some cigarettes Oh yeah the land of the free and all that They're not free though are they No they don't know We're the country of freedom But also we have to stand up to a song

Twice a day Yeah otherwise Yeah yeah You don't get any choice of what you're taught in fucking schools you gotta sing the national anthem every fucking morning like those communists we hate yeah pledge allegiance to the flag like i always just thought i was like a name i didn't really think about the words of it and i went oh no they're literally pledging allegiance to a flag during fucking baseball games twice it's not it's their

long games it's not it's not it's not just at the start that you've got to stand up for the fucking anthem then like after fourth fucking inning they're like

let's do it again it's everyone's favourite banger and they're like you're not standing up you're like I'm Scottish man

I'm not standing up for your fucking national anthem I lied down for the English one I took the knee for the English one at the Tottenham

Hawkspur Stadium good during the NFL games I sang Star Spangled Banner To the top of my lungs And then the second God Save the Queen

At the time Me and Cullen Took the knee And I was like God The people sat behind us Who would be like What are they doing

It must be hard For all the fucking Racists in America With the Taking a knee Because on one side Of the thing Taking the knee news you're not standing for the national anthem but on the other side taking a knee is how they killed george floyd so they're like oh i fuck i like both of those things yeah what's more i guess we need to think on this a bit more get tom horn

off of this podcast right now hello everyone uh this episode as always is sponsored by thisley cross cider the cider that's so good that we asked them to sponsor us and not vice versa uh they have a brand new limited edition flavor out now which is the rum cask cider it's only on for a limited time and you can get 10 off of this and all their other uh ciders at thisleycrosscider.co.uk using the promo code thisley sloss november at 10 discount all capitals all caps all caps um the the whiskey cast cider used to be my favorite i think it still is my favorite but this is this doesn't fuck around this This is real good. It's only on for a limited amount of time,

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Thistley Sloss. Thistley Sloss November 10. Is there a number in it this time? The sherry casks are running out People aren't drinking sherry Nearly as much as they did Back in the day Yeah

And so any like Sherry cask whiskey Or anything like that You should invest now That's my top tip Oh Because they're going to run out Of the casks

They're going to run out of the casks Oh that is wise Ah I was told that about 8 years ago So time is I guess running out Yeah yeah yeah Because I guess when it's being stored in the gas It must take some of the fucking

You can't do it forever there's got to be a time limit on those things Oh yeah no because it would evaporate forever We went on a Distillery tour and they said that A lot of whisky companies now just Do sherry And sell it For piss cheap

Ah So they have the cash Just give the Oh Alright well forget my God I thought It was Martin Lewis For a minute

Bye now Sail high later My grandad Stores a bottle of whiskey Called the Grand Slam Dram Which is when Scotland last won

The Grand Slam In the rugby Fucking hell It was the five nations Back then Oh Who did we add in Italy And Slam Dram, which is when Scotland last won the Grand Slam in the rugby. Fucking hell. It was the Five Nations back then. Oh, who did we add in? Italy? Yeah.

You can tell. Yeah. Yeah. You can play as well. Okay. Yeah. Dada Fasolo. Yeah.

How are they going to catch a ball when their hands are always fucking like this? Yeah, you can't do it. It's very difficult. Make it hard for yourself. I went to a game in Napoli and the only I don't really speak Italian

but I before I got off the ship I was like right just learn the things you're going to need to say which is

scusa non parlo italiano yeah great sono scorsese which means I'm Scottish oh I thought it was Martin Scorsese

and so I was like that'll get you by you don't need to know anything else and then my taxi driver just refused to speak English at all and I knew he could oh yeah this is where my racism comes in I'm like I fucking know you know what I'm saying he was having a proper laugh with me

and I was like I don't understand sir and then when I got out he was like forza Napoli I was in Naples I was like I don't understand sir and then when I got out he was like Forza Napoli I was in Naples I was going to watch Napoli

and he found it hilarious Forza is a fucking card game what are you talking about but when I went Son of Scorsese

he went do for Napoli and I went yeah Billy Gilmore and Scott McTominay and he was like he found it hilarious that I was there

to watch them he was like what are you doing here? And you were like, if you fucking talk to me like that again, I'm going to deep fry one of your pizzas. I would as well. They're so delicious. Deep fried pizza crunch.

I know the Scots. I know we've got the worst diet in the world, blah, blah, blah. We're all fucking dumb. For the record, if you've never had deep fried pizza, pizza crunch, it is objectively fucking unbelievable. It's so good. You've got to lather it in all types of sauce. You drown it in vinegar, you drown it in salt,

you drown it in a bit of fucking... My mouth's literally watering now as you're talking about it. So, so fucking... We used to go swimming and leave in the swimming pool like every fucking Wednesday. And across the road afterwards, you go over, you're like, I'm going to get a half pizza crunch. And man, don't half pizza crunch and it's

man don't be wrong it's I'm gonna say minimum 2000 calories yeah but who cares yeah but you're a teenager in college

don't care about that I used to get lunch every school like and it was like £1.20 back then nowadays you don't know where you're born

well fucking I remember back in the day batter bits used to be free because they were aware batter bits was just the bits they chiselled off the side and they're like we could bin these

or we could just give them to little fucking teenagers fat pig children over there with their faces up against the window because every if you don't know this every single high school

in at least Fife is no more than fucking 500 meters away from a fish and chip shop yeah it's like how they have their bookies in poor areas yeah fish and chip shops just all over the place and you're let out for lunch because they don't want to fucking feed you because we're all bastards and they're like just if we just let them go outside the school grounds for an hour there's a good chance one of them will get hit by a car and tomorrow will be easier even if we just gradually reduce the amount of kids that come back day by day we're getting fucking done and we got

in trouble for so much fucking shit now i never did this but there was like a very stern lecture in our high school whatever this is about to be i did it i don't care what it is you know about the baking soda seagull thing that kids used to do Oh you put it on bread And make them explode Yeah Yeah Yeah Somebody in our school Yeah no I never did that

If you put bacon soda There's my dad Dressed as fucking Santa You do have a very Dad on Christmas day Look about you right now Do I? I think it's the green jumper

Well I gotta tell you this And the chinos This actually brings me on To two things I want to Talk to you about I'll come back to the Exploding seagulls in a bit First and and foremost during the french i can almost tell you the day it was a thursday right remember this um it was we'd gone out you me our wives were hanging out

somewhere and uh carlin made a comment on something that i was wearing and you went to be fair Daniel actually does dress very well now I think I kept my composure but like it's nice having a boy stand up for you and then in the car on the way home car was like were you buzzing from that Gareth Comfort I've not stopped thinking about it I've absolutely not stopped thinking about it Especially coming from Cullen, who wears whatever fucking... He can rake out a bin. And then the other question... Do you like my banana peel earrings?

I made them myself. I'm going to sell them on Etsy. Yeah, he does... I nailed that impression. That's exactly what I'm saying. Hi, I'm Ryan Cullen. He does look like... He could... He would make a good punk.

Yes. Maybe steampunk. Not anymore. No. Like if you could put a fake mohawk on him. Yeah. You can't do the spikes or that anymore. He'd be a real good white nationalist.

Perfect for it. He looks like someone who'd be way happier. He'd hate himself though because he looks so about... He'd hate himself, though, because he looks so much like an alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I guess for him, like, I feel like the only reason Cullen isn't, like, proper racist is because he associates racism

with the English and he refuses to do anything English. Yeah. Like, if the English, like, legalised gay marriage before the rest of the world, he'd be a fucking homophobe. Yeah, of course. You can't let them marry. Yeah.

The sanctity is ruined. Yeah. It's disgusting. It's absurd. It's like you're from the island of fucking fairies. My other, I want to ask you a personal question. Yeah. How do you feel about my beard?

It's better now that you've put the fade going down the way. Does a barber do that? No, no. It just doesn't grow? No. I was like, I'll let it grow out, and then it'll all look like a fucking beard, and then only little bits grow out,

and I looked a bit amish-y, and I was like, I've got to fucking trim that down. But I remember early on in the beard growing experiment, you were trey against it. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't look good for a while, and I get that. I just have been...

That's why you compliment me so much. I've trod this path before. I remember a few years back when you tried to do the beard, and it was so bad. It was so bad. It was dreadful. That was 10 years ago, yeah. It was real upsetting.

It was more ginger then. It was. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's definitely on your turf. Yeah then it was yeah yeah so step it on your turf yeah i was like all right buddy there's only one of us allowed in every group yeah your lot don't get bullied anymore apparently i've heard this generation yeah they don't really care but i don't believe that yeah and also so much to take the low-hanging fruit kids yeah but it's it's the

one bit where i like the thing i've always complained about the older fucking generation right is how angry they are that it's easier for the younger generation it's like well surely that's exactly what you want is you want your kids to live an easier life than you did because that shows that the world is growing and getting fucking better and then now as i'm getting older i'm like what do you mean kids don't have to fuck kids don't get the tp jab anymore that cunt doesn't have a scar i didn't get what i was immune you know you get the tester thing oh the six the six the six pricks mines were still there they were like you're immune and i was like fuck yeah um i there's a meme that gets shared by boomers a lot that you know it's like a photo of d-day and it's like 1945 18 year olds

storm the beaches of Normandy to certain death and now they need a safe space 18 year olds because they don't like like hot soup like well that's what they were fighting for

that's what that was for you fucks yeah no did you prefer when all the teenagers were dying yeah yeah that was better kill them all

I know we have the like the problem with the word hero, right, is like it creates an image. I wouldn't call myself a hero, but sure. I just say silly things on podcasts. Like these people, the kids, the teenagers that fucking died in World War II,

literally fighting, dying for the fight against fucking fascism, are heroes because they did that despite how fucking terrified they were, how scared they were. They were asked to step up. They fucking did. They did it in fucking abundance.

But like the time they were doing it, they were like, woo! Like read it. Listen to any of the fucking stories and they're all like, all the best people died. I lost so many friends.

It was terrified. It was fucking scary. They would be the good people that die though. Like I would survive. Yeah. For sure. Because I'd be kind of hiding and then eventually just put my gun up just a little bit like, pew. But the guys that are, like, running in with, like, grenade pins in their teeth, they are obviously the best guys.

But they are definitely dead. Apparently, same thing for the Holocaust. I read a book about a Holocaust survivor who was, like, the best of us died in Auschwitz because, like were the ones that like gave up their food they were the ones that like whenever one of the nazis were like one of you did this thing and you'll all be punished unless one of you admits it and like even somebody who didn't do it would fucking step forward yeah right take the fucking punishment for it whereas there were jews who i think they were called stasi or something like that i might be getting that mixed up with someone else but they were the ones that like worked for the germans the nazis in the camps and they were called Stasi or something like that. I might be getting that mixed up with someone else. But they were the ones that, like, worked for the Germans,

the Nazis in the camps. And they were the ones that were like, you should kill that one because, you know, he's less useful and she's a bit fucking lazy. Yeah. An Uncle Tom. Yeah, a Jewish Uncle Tom. An Uncle Sloan.

What? Thistley Cross, everybody. What a refreshing drink Do you ever find yourself In an awkward moment Get out of it Get rid of the other dross With a lovely

Thistley Cross You should do like A 40s style advert for it Yeah By God By God Nine out of ten doctors Recommend Thistley Cross

I'm not at cancer since Or every time I drink it Just like Can doctors recommend Thistley Cross? I'm not a cancer since. Or every time I drink it, just like loads of big titted women throw themselves at me. Like a Lynx advert. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we laugh at like a fucking fat person. I got given Lynx for my birthday.

A big tub of- Recently? This year, September. I got a big Huge shower gel Of Lynx Africa Oh my god My nan gave me it And

I tried it In the shower And then I came out And I was like Do you smell like Lynx Africa And I went Yeah you horny And she went

No it's so gross She was like yeah The puddle underneath Is used for the shower The puddle underneath Is used for My voice broke She Yeah she was like You smell like a 16 year old And I was like A sexy 16 year old Yeah, the puddle underneath you from the shower, the puddle underneath you. My water's broke.

She was like, you smell like a 16-year-old. I was like, a sexy 16-year-old. What was the other thing she copied to it today? You know those little shots you can get that are like ginger and turmeric? Yeah. I was buying them because I really like them, but they're too quite a pop and they're tiny. So I just bought all the stuff and started making them today.

Great. And Laura came into the kitchen and she went What are you doing? I'm just making ginger juice And she was like Say that again I'm making ginger juice Just stood in the kitchen making ginger juice She was like I can do that too

Sorry, giving you purple nurples You know, safe words The annoying thing is, safe word. The annoying thing is my safe word is ginger juice. Yeah, just great. She was like, yeah, you make it. I did make it, it was delicious. I was going to bring you some but there wasn't enough and I want it all myself. I would absolutely have,

one very thoughtful thing, I can't believe this is the stage of our life we're in where like, me, Jamie being like, I want a very thoughtful thing I can't believe this is the stage of our life we're in We're like Me genuinely being like I'm a bit gutted The guy didn't bring me any ginger juice Well I'm a bit gutted

I wasn't offered a tea or coffee The ten years I've known you When I've showed up to your house You're a shit host I only do that To be fair I do that I do that only for the tradies that come in my house I'm a tradie

Yeah yeah But you're tradies I'm in here doing a job Aye One two Yeah I do that only for the tradies that come in my house. I'm a tradie. Yeah, yeah, but you're tradies. I'm in here doing a job. One, two. Yeah, I do. You are right. I do not offer tea or coffee. Never once. Now I just make my own.

Aye. Maybe that's what I was angling for. So when we were driving over, I said to Laura, do Daniel and Cara have a coffee machine? She went, I don't know. Like that. And that was the first question I'd asked the whole trip. She's eight months pregnant.

She's so angry. Like a champ. She is so angry. She's rushing at the minute. Yeah. She's ready to launch. For those of you that don't know, the final month of pregnancy lasts seven months.

And you can tell she's grown a woman because the nagging has went way up. There's two of them. The power of two. Cara's pregnancy with our girl was way worse than her pregnancy with boy. That is like, for those who think that we're just being sexist,

one, you're right, obviously. Why don't you fucking stop this, you nagging bitches? But second of all, there is science that backs it up. We were sexist first, then we found the science. We went, oh, cool, great.

Yeah, yeah, that's what we did. Do your own research. Yeah. We enjoyed being sexist so much, we found the science. Oh, cool, great. Yeah, that's what we did. Do your own research. Yeah. We enjoyed being sexist so much, we went to the scientist. Surely, surely you can prove this. First one we went to was a woman, which was a nightmare. Really? You're a scientist?

Did Oprah Winfrey give her degrees? What are you doing? Putting lipstick on rabbits? Is it that kind of science by the way where are those rabbits I want to get a little fucking look at you

tell me who's sexy the rabbit was was it like Lola Bunny from Space Jam or the Caramel Bunny from the 90s oh she would have fucking got it

little neck scarf I'd fucking pull out I'd be at it like rabbits I'll tell you that for free she'd get a wee carrot

you want some you want some ginger juice what's up dog oh dearie me anyway yeah I said do they have

a coffee machine and she went I don't know like I'd asked it for the seventh time yeah are we there yet are we there yet do they have a coffee machine do they have a coffee machine I said oh I don't know like I'd asked it for the seventh time yeah are we there yet are we there yet

do they have a coffee machine do they have a coffee machine I said oh you maybe would have had one one time and she went I've never been offered a coffee ever

and I went oh yeah that's true yeah yeah yeah I'm going to say something and she went no you won't I didn't realise I was going to do it

on live I do have a I do have a coffee machine can I have a coffee machine it would be nice to try it one day alright you did offer me a Thistley Cross Actually when I came in

Yeah I'd offer you booze Regardless of the time I'm down I'm like you want a dram Come on Come on Yeah it's allowed Cara mildly told me off About three weeks ago

We walked past a big fucking church I don't know if they might have told this On the podcast already But We walked past a church And Caelan saw it It was a big fucking church. I don't know if they might have told this on the podcast already. But we walked past a church and Kayla saw it. It was a big, massive church. Kayla went, what's that? And I went, a place where stupid people go.

She went, no, no, no. No, she's like, we should do that with a mosque. I'm like, walk me past a mosque and let's find out. The answer is fucking yeah. Daddy, why are all these shoes out here? Are these free shoes? Yeah, there's a massive soft play in there, man. Actually, there was was we'd never know yeah man

maybe maybe that's what they're up to praise Allah yeah if every mosque was in jacob

they're all going down the slides on their wee carpets there's so there's so many muslims listening it's going shab

shab get up get up just see two red dots appear in our head And they stay there Welcome to the club Oh, it's that easy, is it? I still put more than salt and pepper on my food

That's one thing I do like about the the middle eastern cultures is like the idea of recipe books and how much do you add to a sauce or a meal is such a white person thing because they're like okay and then add some turmeric

and we're like how many spoonfuls and they're like fucking add some turmeric throw it up in the air whatever lands in the bowl that's the amount yeah yeah fucking now is that because we used to make them so poor that we gave them the worst cuts of meat and they had to dull out the fucking flavor sure all right but through our aggression we created culture so if anything anything, they're all welcome. Do you like cricket, guys? You're welcome. You do.

I've seen you. You fucking love it. You're mad for it. We got you into the worst sport. That's mad. That's how impressed you were. Hey, guys, do you like dominoes? How did we not get you cunts into football?

How does India not have one of the greatest footballing teams in the world? There's a 1.5 billion of the fuckers now. Yeah. None of them can kick a ball. There's not many like even like in the Prem really. Is there? Man, not even in fucking FIFA. There must have been an Indian person in the Prem, surely.

Not a single one. Indian Premier League Players Hang on The Indian Premier League Is the cricket So I've put Indian Premier League And it's just come up

With cricket stuff Yeah I think that actually Answers the question though Yeah it did not There's never been An Indian Premier League player Yeah

Surely I mean We're the two worst people Go Google it find out Just a single Indian Premier League player And not like from Birmingham We want a proper one Not one of ours One of theirs

See we've said that in the Toad of Erases But the message was woke One of ours we said We didn't say go back home We said stay home Yeah one of ours Stay at home Yeah

Well that's what I often get Confused by It's like The first generation Second generation Third generation Right First generation

Like Immigrant is You like You From another country You come over You stay here and then like after a fucking 10 years we're like ah you're one of ours yeah if you pop one out that's ours immediately it's born on this land it's ours second generation immigrants always ours yeah

comes out fucking if it comes out with our accent class nothing nothing funnier and greater to me than a fucking black lad with a scottish accent i cannot get enough yeah yeah i think it's so good yeah because like you'd always hear about like english actors going over to america they were black and then like their heads being wrecked they had like a english accent yeah what is happening to you are you just are you just acting all of the time? There's Zesh Reman of Pakistani origin And Michael Chopra of Indian origin Chopra

Name that team Portsmouth Just say yes Matthew Newcastle United The opposite end of the country Portsmouth a good guess Yeah yeah Pure guess Cider I saw you now the opposite end of the country oh well poor smith good guess

yeah yeah pure guess I'm going to grab another cider how much longer have we got to do 5-10 minutes oh well then

I guess I'm not I'll do one for the ad first we were talking about the exploding oh yeah seagulls the seagulls

aye aye aye so there were rumours going round back in the days before social media that if you put baking soda onto a chip and you fed it to a seagull, because seagulls love chips, that the seagull would explode. And we all heard this.

And obviously in your head, you think it's going to be like fireworks, right? You think the seagull's going to eat the chips, fly away, puff the feathers. Yeah, it sounds like what it would be like. Yeah, nah. I didn't see it, but I had a friend that was there after the bigger kids had done it, and it's just like the seagull walks around and just goes, and then falls over, and then just part of its sight just...

Yeah, real sad. Nah, seagulls deserve it Fuck them They do I've seen Gus Limbaugh Once He was a very good Scorch comedian Sitting with

A packet of chips On his chest In the middle of Union Street In Aberdeen With one Hand And any time

A seagull swooped For one He fucking Clocked it Like a human mousetrap That's so good Very Gus as well God it was funny

Seagulls and pigeons Never sad when they die Pigeons I don't mind so much Seagulls I don't Don't fuck with seagulls No Pigeons

No They're just Is there any animal Makes you Like irrationally angry Flies Yeah Regular

If I could If I could talk to flies I would be like By the way 90% less of you Would die If you just didn't Make a fucking noise man

The number one reason You're fucking killed Isn't because you're flying In people's vision It's because you're going And it's because They're flying in people's vision. It's because you're going... And it's because they're sneaky. They're always like...

And they eat shit. Yeah, well, I eat ass. I can see eye to eye with them on that one. You like this when you're doing it? I get to lick a butthole. Great little visual gag for a pod Flies are gross man I hate their little hands rubbing I absolutely fucking hate flies

I hate one of my cats Spizer A lot A lot of fucking Some I don't mind spiders But there are some spiders I see when I'm like that

you don't need to be you don't need to be that big tarantulas fine those are massive big fucking legs you make sense to me they're quite soft guys aren't they tarantulas

they're actually not that violent they're just slow even fucking camel spiders which is like the big massive ones I don't mind those because those are like all in proportion see spiders

that are just the fucking ball yeah with huge legs Get What are you A kid's drawing Come to life

Get fucked How did you walk off The page of a Halloween Decoration And just exist in the world Not having that Looking like the faces On a P1 tea towel

100% Just Not on Not on I don't know if they still do the tea towel anymore Oh yeah Did you do those when you were a kid? It's an extremely British thing I would say

So yeah One day in class You're given like this tiny little fucking You just to draw a picture of yourself Like draw you You're 5, 6, 7 years old They do it throughout the years You draw a picture of yourself

You give it to the teacher She sends it away Three months later They charge your parents Twenty quid To buy three of these things To And it's just all of the kids

In your class Printed on Their drawings of themselves On a tea towel And you give it to your gran For Christmas Yeah Yeah

They're great But yeah I guarantee I guarantee I will ask my gran She's in the house guarantee it would be like i will ask my gran she's in the house right now i guarantee if i go ask my gran if she's still got all of her details i can't and she's moved house recently i'm confident that those made the move yeah yeah for sure yeah they're so good but yeah all the drawings because you're like what five yeah they're just like a circle And like no hands just like three

Fingers coming out the side of your face And then like little eggs And you're like god I'm beautiful Did you ever get the Were you ever part of like poetry books Because we had that a bunch of times Like you had to write a poem And then they would collate all the fucking poems

Into a thing like you're going to be published I'm like what from all the other kids that were forced to write poems in Fife? Well, I wrote a poem in primary school and it was the best poem of all the children. Of all time. Maybe. Not a hard thing to do.

There was a guy writing a book about Rosalind and he asked if he could publish it in his book. And my mum went yeah sure I don't know if it ever was and certainly didn't see any royalties from it but I remember yeah it was like one of those where acrostic

what did you fucking call me I just don't like eye contact alright it's like yeah Roslyn wrote down the sides and so it was like R is for the river that runs through the glen O is for the original Which was the pub Where people meet now and then

S is for the streets that make up this historic town L is for the lovely people You meet all around I is for Something else And N is for those fucking Get them out This is not the Roslyn I is for something else. And N is for those fucking... Get them out! This is not the

Roslin I fought for! Thistley Cross. You're telling me a... You're telling me a seven-year-old wrote... Show those darkies who's boss and have a Thistley Cross. That's the slogan, isn't it? I don't think I can say darkies who's boss and have a thistly cross that's the slogan isn't it yeah yeah yeah i mean i don't think i could say darkies anymore surely no i feel like well i feel like doing wrong absolutely not but i feel like darkies is one of those ones where it's offensive because it's like so unspecific

like the reason why parkaki was such a big insult was because it was just white fucking Brits calling anyone brown. Like this is the only part of this section of the world that contains 2 billion people. And in my head, you're all from this bit. That's why that, I feel like that's, dark is just being like That's the

Anything that's not Pale as Tonka cream Yeah Tonka cream It's like vanilla in it Aye Anyway

I feel like it's made it weird It's okay I had Cullen on last week There was way more Oh great Yeah yeah yeah Heaps more His racism is even

Thinly veiled Just there The only thing thin about him Is his skin Yeah he said that He brought that up When he was being tested For the kilt fitting

She called him The woman just Managed to put the entire Fucking Measuring tape around him Four times Rubbing like a wee bone Like you're very slender

Yeah And then he went Slender man And we went Sure I fucking Measure and tape around him Four times Rub him like a wee bone And went you're very slender Yeah And then he went Slender man And we went Sure You're just saying two words now I'm sure that woman Delivered it like a great joke

You're very slender Slender man That's what she said I think more excruciatingly I then made that joke On the podcast last week Did you I think so

Oh no It's okay It's okay I don't think anyone important Listens to this Oh good Yeah Glad to be on

Yeah Thanks for having me We really We don't really grow As a podcast We maintain Yeah I like to plateau

Nice and early Yeah Though I did have a friend of mine Claire Message me Last week After the Cullin episode She'd be like

Couldn't give me a heads up That you were Talking about death And the best ways to die On your podcast With Cullin before I listened to like can you give me a heads up that you were talking about death and the best ways to die on your podcast with Cullin before I listened to it because her dad

sadly passed away last week she wanted to come with a trigger warning and I was like I don't assume that anyone listens to this podcast the only person I assume

listens to this podcast never does and that's Jean oh yeah so we can say whatever we like about Jean no occasionally

Eric her partner who listens to all of this podcast Will tell her Snitch He'll tell her that we've mentioned her on a podcast And then she'll come and listen to that podcast Because she's a dirty little narcissist And then she'll message me about the podcast episode

To make me think that she actually listens to all the episodes Wow Sounds like you have a great relationship She's a woman And do you know What they be Shopping They do be

Look I know It's a stereotype But you take them To a shop And say What do they They bloody be shopping They be shopping

And hey ladies Next time you're At the supermarket You're out there shopping You're doing your thing Why not pick up A little crate Of Thistley Cross

Yeah Pretend you're doing your thing Why not pick up a little crate Of Thistley Cross Yeah Pretend you're the boss We're sorry for your loss Yeah, yeah Have a Thistley Cross The only glass ceiling you'll be breaking Is across your fucking head If you don't buy me some alcohol

Toots Toots is great Yeah, Caelan calls Cara toots occasionally And I realise I've got to stop being sexist To her around the house Yeah, yeah, yeah I need to stop swearing for sure yeah he's not really said anything other than when the dog jumped on my balls and i shouted fuck it was so sore and then carla was just walking around going fuck fuck fuck and i was like i'm in pain so i can't deal with it i'm rolling around

it was his whole way he just pounced on me so Laura's laughing her fucking head off at me like the dog like woo woo woo and I'm going fuck she was like

it was an absolute chaotic for 7.30 in the morning it's so classic one thing I've noticed and I know it's a Scottish thing that obviously we just fucking swear heaps right

there's a video that was on Instagram right and it's of this guy on the phone to his grand and he's in his grand's house and he's like i'm gonna come and visit you oh yeah she's like what he's like i'm gonna come in and visit you she's like okay okay and he's just laughing because he's in the fucking room yeah he's like open the door it's just like okay and she turns around and she shits herself she's like oh you're a fucking weak guy get your fucking and

i'm laughing my ass off Because that's just a funny fucking prank The amount of fucking English I'd be disgusted If my granny spoke like that The English in Yanks Just being like Glad my grandparents

Never fucking swear Like oh you boring cunts man No your granny didn't swear So she had a lot of pent up frustration That she got out By blowing your grandad six ways to Sunday Glug glug glug glug Your granny was a whore

Yeah a dirty dirty fucking whore The one saying you fucking cunt you She's frigid She's getting everything out all the time Didn't feel the need to put Are you fuck shoving that up my arse That's what she'd say Your granny would go Yum yum yes please

Like Ace Ventura Aye Your quaint little granny Showing her taint little granny I've made you some muffins They're full of Frank's gum Frank the neighbour You got anything to plug?

Nah Nah Fuck that You want to plug your baby That's on the way out? Yeah baby's coming Check them out Coming December

Check that out That'll be pretty cool I just followed you on Instagram I'm going to post more, I think. Yeah. I think that's the thing. Laura's started her nesting. I can tell she's wanting jobs done, things painted, things fixed.

She's just painting your shiny things. She's just wanting stuff done and tidied and all that. Fine, great. That's how you deal with it. Did Cara do any of that? No. I think I'm nesting. Cara, the only thing that really how you deal with it did cara do any of that no i think i'm nesting the only thing that really showed you that cara was pregnant while she was pregnant was just what a fat fucking bitch she was yeah sales of my arms went up 20 percent uh i think i'm nesting in my

own way which is a male way of nesting where i've started like cheating no um trying to get better at my job oh 100 yeah yeah yeah grab my money yeah i get that which is like i didn't mind my job is to like reading more writing more like i'm really zoned in yeah and stuff and i said to laura i was i think i think this is my form of nesting Started running Trying to get fit again Oh it's the worst It's the fucking worst It's the worst

I don't know My thing was As long as I can set my kids up For the future Then I can die Right As long as they're set Then I don't need to

I don't need to drink less Or smoke less I can just Oh I'm seven years old My dad died Yeah but Look what he left you You're going to have a

Fucking great friend show In 13 years kid Jesus I'd love a dead parent Yeah Yeah Not saying which one Oh let me guess

Both They get back together Struck by lightning At the altar God's like no you two are terrible I'm against divorce

but I'm super against I'm not letting the gays do it they're a man and woman what the gays can already loads of gays are married oh God oh me

I'm not paying attention I'm sorry I'm still waiting for GTA 6 my head's fried I could make them Speed up but I just want them to nail it Yeah Alright well thanks for coming on the podcast let's go be

Present fathers shall we Okay you