Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Incel Catnip

Episode Date: August 3, 2022

Muggins, Cream and resident bald man, Ryan Cullen who brings us some more confessions from his catholic upbringing. They explore the phonetics of course language, the algorithms of social media and Intel catnip, Andrew Tate

Ryan Cullen here, special guest on this week's episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. I forgot the name of the podcast for a split second there. But we will be chatting about Andrew Tate, the Catholic Church, obviously, because what else can I chat about where I'm from? And I think the F word most of the time and not F-U-C-K. So please, if you want to listen to more, you can come on to the Patreon. It's about three quid a month and you can get more and more episodes. Enjoy.

Sloss and Humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am i just being cynical just muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? We are here on our... Nope. Go on, you do the intro then. Yes.

We're here on the Sloss and Humphreys on the Road public podcast with guest Ryan Cullen Do the Ryan Cullen song You say public podcast Yeah this is going out To everybody Oh I understood There's a difference

Between public and Patreon Got it I didn't even know What the Ryan Cullen song was No no I didn't expect you to I was hoping that you Was that one

Is it Baldy It is It's more of a rap Well Thank you for having me Hi Thanks for

Coming back on From 30 feet away Where we live He lives over there Listen as he lives Like a short walk Over that way

In the basement It's like the slave quarters Isn't it Back in the old house There is a pub Right outside your room I love Right there

Yeah What slaves Were like Yeah I just I live. You treat me like shit. I live in the broom shed of the queen's arms. We can spin the narrative to whatever suits us. We can be like you've got like a silver spoon in your mouth you live they've got a bar there or we can spin it that like you're in your mate's basement in amongst all the mould I did that with it would just choose which lane

I did that with Tom Tom Houghton I still remember he was like oh I got moved into my new place in Willsborough and I was like

two you know whatever much a fucking month he's paying and I was like oh god how the other how the other

half live and then I was like anyway Daniel make sure the hot tub's hot completing answers we'll just sit more on hypocrisy half live and then I was like anyway Daniel make sure the hot tub's hot complete nonsense we'll just sit and have our own hypocrisy as long as you can insult your mates it doesn't matter if you

hit yourself yeah yeah it's the standard thing it's fine if I do it and it's sacrilege if anyone else does it's like loading a gun and just shooting you through my own head it's these headphones that are shit I just kept worrying that his mic was cutting out and my mic was cutting out but in fact i could see you and then worried you were like

well you know we've just got to a stage in this podcast now where it's it's it's been seven eight years and it's now genuinely inexcusable for there to be any like tech faults like if i was listening to this podcast and there was cutting out the audio i'd be like guys i've i've been a patreon for a year like i've come and seen you live a bunch of times i know how much money you spend on drugs is there any chance you can throw some of that fucking cashis to the content you can create so i can consume it properly. No. We will try and act like the professionals that you deserve. Yeah. And if you want to see the much higher quality

version of this podcast, you can subscribe to our Patreon. It's the exact same. We'll get better guests. We did. We had Obama on the last one. He's great. What's he done That I've not

Right tell me We're going to Offline a drone Tell me how you're Better than Barack Obama I don't I don't want to say The obvious one

Yeah Well that's me The drone strikes He meant the drone strikes This is not Well there's that one clip That can't quite Yeah

Well I don't think Do we do many clips From the Patreon anyway? We do all the clips From every episode Oh do we? That doesn't feel right I feel like the Patreon stuff

Should still Or is it like that That thing of like Clips Like look what you can get Oh okay But it's not the most Like horrible shit we say

It's like now in the strip I said to do next year Nope Some of that clothes on Do you you want to see this? Bare naked. I'd be like no thank you. We'd do that with prickties cunts. You always get those people that say by the way that Obama's way worse than Trump ever was. Do you ever see that? Because he technically did twice as many drone strikes. Well but it's also because like they were like oh you know he was doing a war or whatever and Because he technically did twice as many drone strikes. Shot schools and that. But it's also because they were like,

oh, you know, he was doing a war or whatever, and they were like, well, Trump had the one in his own country. He started it indoors. Aye, aye. He was letting off fireworks in his house. Aye, aye. Yeah, yeah, he pulled out of Afghanistan and then... There's no point in droning your neighbour. Aye, aye.

No, no, if you are going droning your neighbour No no If you are going to drone your neighbour You do have to watch the weather that morning Just to see if any of the saran gas Will get blown into your country Oh we can't Bomb them today It's an eastward wind

You could accidentally make yourself Belarus What did Belarus do? They're the ones badlyly affected by Chernobyl Aren't they? Even though it's in Ukraine They all blew that way Did not know that There you go

I thought it was Some cutting satire About recent events That I was just Going to blow over So I can't trust anything I say now

Because you both laughed Yeah We're kind of guests man Yeah We just laugh At whatever jokes I was holding it there was a video that i mean you've both seen it because i shared it in the group but it was

that one of the you know how like obviously what's going on in russia at the moment is they're just getting like fucking better than nazi grade propaganda like gold was fucking invented propaganda and the russians are at this point where like we've got fucking tv where we can just have all of our experts stand in a room and yell and it's on their version of fucking bbc so all their boomers watch it and they're like okay we're saving the jews in ukraine this is great what and you and sometimes they just watch it because it's it's's sometimes interesting to watch propaganda and just go, because you just get,

how the fuck does this affect people? Like, how can you fucking watch this and just go, yeah, like, how can you sit and watch Piers Morgan

just ramble on and just go, I'm going to apply no further critical thinking to this. It's so handy that there's just a TV channel that just has my opinion on it

ready for me to fucking consume. And it's like, you don't even need to spoon it in your own mouth because they're digging the aeroplane for you. And you're like, once this aeroplane's done in my mouth, can you go bomb some more Ukrainian kids? Because I love the Jews! I love the Jews. And there's heaps of Jews in Ukraine

and the Ukrainians are against the Jews. That's what the guy said. That's what the guy said. So we're getting rid of the Ukrainian Nazis by acting like Nazis. It makes perfect sense to me. Can I have some more borscht, please? So what was the clip?

The clip was, apparently, England had said something or Boris Johnson had said something about, you know, we're going to give these arms to Ukraine, which, by the way... They'd clipped him saying

hasta la vista, baby, onto him pressing a button. They were like, look at this monster I gotta say I like I think

obviously the war in Ukraine is shit although the response from the rest of the world has been good in the sense

that it's like hey this is awful you know we're gonna support you in every way I can you gonna fight for us no no no no no no but we'll give you all of our guns it's like, hey, this is awful. You know, we're going to support you in every way I can. Are you going to fight for us? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But we'll give you all of our guns.

It's Russia, you're mad. But it's that. You guys are going to fight Russia. We've wanted to fight Russia for ages. Will you help? In a way. Have you seen the meme where it's like Gimli going, you can have my axe and then Legolas going,

you can have my bow, and then just the Ukrainian just walking off with the axe and the bow and the sword. It really is that. We're like, go beat up the bigger guy, because we can't, because then they'll kill us. And we're not used to them killing us. But they've been killing you for two months now. So by

this point, surely, you guys, you get it. You're cool, right? I love that. Sorry, you've got no fist. They're like, oh, you know, it's going to fuck up the whole NATO thing if we get involved. I'm like, it's already fucked up, that's what the war was. So, this fucking Russian guy was angry about what Boris Johnson or someone said, and he's

like, how fucking dare these people when we've got the nuclear capacity to wipe them off the face of the fucking earth, and that's what we should do. We should wipe England off the face of the earth. And I'm like, you know what these russians well so so i'm sitting laughing at that i'll be like that's a funny horrible take to have i'll definitely pretend that's my opinion for a bit just to get a reaction and then they and then one of them goes what about scotland and the guy, oh no, Scotland's cool, we'll be fine in Scotland

I'm like, oh god, maybe I do really like these Russians You actually were checking the wind I reckon Ireland would sell themselves into being Belarus For that outcome Well, I mean, the problem is All of the nuclear weapons that the UK has Is 40 miles outside of Glasgow

like it's it's Helensborough that's where all the shit is so if if Russia were to bomb us

which they won't do they're absolutely hitting Scotland first that's that's gonna be a frame yeah because that's what England did

which would be like can you hold some of our guns for us sure you got any down there what's with the questions Scotland

what's with the questions, Scotland? What's with the questions? We're giving you all the nukes. Don't you want to be defended? Yeah, no, real great. Thanks so much. Also, you've got all the resources up there, the oil and that.

Can you just mine that? And hold my nukes? And then as soon as war starts, it's like, yeah, it's the same them cunts, but all the oil and nukes. Have you seen the movie Braveheart? They don't listen to authority at all. I reckon you shut them up dead fucking quick.

I fucking... So this guy was on TV, going, oh, you should nuke England and all that, and then you've got a constant comedy. God, you can't say anything anymore. You can't say anything. There's a bloke being on telly in Russia just threatening to nuke people.

Newsline unleashed. To be fair, you actually can't say anything in Russia. That's what annoys me when you get people in this country, in America, being like, you can't say anything anymore. You're like, comedians in India are taken off stage and thrown in jail and never seen again. Like, Russians disappear when they say certain things.

That is not being allowed to say anything anymore. You just don't like the fact that you cannot say the N or the P word anymore. That's it. That's all you want to say. I did actually just think, what the hell's the P word for a second? But I genuinely ran past it. Piss.

Presbyterian. Don't get me wrong. I've definitely said, for those that don't know, it's the shortened version of Pakistani Paki. And the reason it's obviously offensive is because for generations, British people would call anyone of any brown colour Pakistani,

even though they weren't Pakistani. So it's definitely, again, we discussed on the last podcast, one of those words that's not inherently offensive, but because of the way bastards use it, is now an offensive fucking term. It's been said so many times with a furrowed brow. Aye, aye. But I mean, that is just what they want to say. Some people just don't want to give up words.

And I do get it because I wish, I really wish, faggot was not such an offensive term because linguistically and acousticallyically it's such a satisfying word like really as a curse like it starts off it's the that's a soft fa and then you got good that's kind of hard and then ought is hard like faggot it's if if you were to remove the word from all of its previous connotations right and be able to fully separate yourself from it it's a really good word to say and as a curse is really good

but the problem is it comes from we used to burn gay people alive so you just can't just call them maggots oh maybe it doesn't sound as good no it's a good and because like it's nice yeah it's a good because and because like

it's nice yeah it's never nice yeah that's it hey how did you enjoy your meal how did you enjoy your meal

yeah be like, muck off You're like, alright, Flanders Flanders Flanders Sorry for using the word faggot in context Retards, the other one That used to be big Retards, again, another

If you take the two syllables You've got the rr. It's a rolling start. It gets you into it. Who doesn't love a rolled R? Aye. And then t. Right.

The engine starts. Aye. And then there's another R into the D, retard. Again, it's one of those words that you can just, from the way it's phrased, you can put vitriol into it, which I imagine is one of the many reasons why these words become so fucking hate-filled compared to

other ones which is weird I don't know I've brought this up before it's so weird that we just allow Jew to be an insult aye

like it's that's you know I just find that it could even be used as like a prefix

to like something like a Jew wife yeah yeah yeah it's such oh it's gross the way it's used anyway aye prefix to like something like your Jew wife. Yeah. It's such, oh, it's gross the way it's used. Anyway.

Dave Longley's going to love this episode if he does listen to it. He is fucking, he is killing me so fucking hard. Just as a catch up to a previous episode we've been putting clips out on social media. Like we knew we should for a long time. We've finally started doing it and Dave Longley

hasn't missed a single clip criticising the language used the things that we're talking about the subject matter and he does it in such a Karen way that it gets bites from it are you going to talk me through it can you give us a blow by blow

he is he's just got me and again he is the greatest fisherman of all time. Yeah. Like he, he's just fucking sat there at the side of the Instagram lake

and he's just casually fly fishing. Cigarette in his mouth, no trousers on, just fucking catching fish. Fishing with arrogance. Man, he's going to get a bite. He does it well because it's always like

the third one is the joke for you. So the first two, even though they're subtle, they can go either way. He's very good at the layers because you anger people and then because they're angry, you can then act more insane because they're already heightened and they've reduced you so much in their head that when you start saying clearly stupid things, we're like, but he said all these other things. It's like you're handlinganseling and greteling people

towards hating you more and more. So... Can I just enjoy hanseling and greteling? Hansel and greteling. Hanseling and greteling would be incorrect.

I was enjoying it. Okay. So this is the clip we posted up about religion today. Dave Longley. Disgusting. Wall-to-wall profanity and a disregard for all the Judeo-Christian

culture has done for us. If it weren't for Christ we'd all still be in caves murdering babies for sustenance and indulging in the most disgusting of sexual acts with members of the same sex. To which I replied so you don't have a baby murdering cave? And Dave Longley went I have shares in Planned Parenthood if that's

what you mean. And then somebody has bitten, a fish has come in and talking about obviously all the wars that Christianity's caused and whatever. Dave Loughley's reply, literally, literally the world wouldn't. Genghis Khan didn't need a religion. Humans murder and Christianity helped save us from that discontinuing. The only downside is the child sex thing, but I think that's a small price to pay for a better world. Lateral damage. And somebody went,

somebody went, do you mean the priest fucking journey? And he went, that is what I meant, yes. Somebody accused him of having an opinion while being a cis male. Yeah. But like capital,

let us say IS. And he was just like like what is my favourite like murder mystery going to do with this what does my favourite police drama have to do with any of this forensic police work

cis Miami it's the funniest cis Miami big fan of the old might have it's here size really seriously how many football matches or boxing fights

have been won because of God who is the first person they thank Oscars and Christ doesn't uplift bake yourself some pie and a dash of humility

and get yourself a big spork and a bib he's killing it because the first few he didn't even reply to the comments he was just putting it in dropping it

walking away getting on with his day. But now he's just fucking rolled his sleeves up, honey, and he's just like, right, I'm taking you that long. Have you ever seen the, if you follow The Rock on Instagram, right, obviously The Rock lives in a fucking massive mansion, but he's a big fisherman, The Rock, right? He's got entire lakes in his back garden where he breeds his own fucking salmon

and catches them. And occasionally there's just a video of him catching a fish bringing it out kissing it telling you what the fish is and throwing it back into the ocean that is Dave Longley

on Instagram for me just holding a troll we got I hope he's up for the fringe because we got we have to get him back on the podcast

on a Patreon episode sometime soon just I mean there's old ones in the Podbean archive that could probably come back and haunt me from when we had him on Mind that one that we did during the pandemic

we did just an audio of the podcast with Dave Longley and for the entire time on Zoom he had to make America Great Hat on again and never explained it So I don't know if you ever heard the podcast Dave Longley did, because it was called, what was it called? Arguing for the Sake of Arguing,

where his friend Eddie Hu, who's from Blackburn or Bolton or something. Bolton, Newcastle, manager. His parents are Chinese. Eddie Hu. His parents are Chinese, right, and the guy's got like a thick Northwestern accent. And one day he couldn't make it. So the intro of the podcast was an answer phone message from Eddie Hu, his parents are Chinese, right, and the guy's got like a thick northwestern accent. And one day he couldn't make it.

Like, so the intro of the podcast was an answer phone message from Eddie Hu, and his thick northern accent saying, I can't be on the podcast this week. And then the podcast just proceeds anyway with the phone ringing like it always does. And Dave Longley puts on a fake Chinese accent, really thick Chinese accent. I have seen this.

Hello, Longley! And Dave Longley's like hi Eddie and does a 45 minute podcast with himself back and forward and just and having really

in depth arguments about comedy and like Dave will say something lovely and they just do an impression of his friend Eddie being like

it doesn't make a rickus edge wrongry like this he does like in depth like this he does like in depth like em he does like in depth analysis

about like women in comedy and representation and shit like that but like oh what what what

what what what what what what what what

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what what what what what what what what what what to laugh more you're like how is he still going he's locked into it very funny and I think he's actually because that podcast he's discontinued

I don't think he's continued day and night but he's actually put in the title and description this is the one that's Lawson Humphreys recommended

so if people go looking for the podcast they've literally titled it this because we've mentioned it before just if people feel uncomfortable

about any of the jokes in that and how Eddie might feel about those things Eddie doesn't give a shit. One year he was trying to work out the name for his fringe show, right? And Dave Longley was obviously giving him heaps of horrific fucking answers,

but it was actually Rich Massara who gave him the one that he eventually used, and it was called The Raisy Laces. That's excellent. Who's that good guy that has the fringe poster this year With the stop drawing dicks on my poster Oh I'll find him He fucking deserves it Jimmy Sousa

Jimmy Sousa I think Yeah I'll get his name The show title is Stop drawing dicks on my poster Yep And it's him with his hand Withholding nothing

But it's perfect Interesting Plenty of opportunity there Put put dicks on the poster. That's one year I'll sell tickets alone, just. Yeah, Jamie D'Souza, we'll give him a shout out. What a good fucking poster that is. So funny. And also, it's like that year that fucking...

Cutting the gang. Cutting the gang. Had stick-out dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stick-out. And our agent got all current about it. Oh, she did, aye. And I did not argue with him, stick our dicks yeah yeah yeah stick it our agent got all caring about it I should die and I like I did like

not argue with him but I was like chatting to a couple of like Dan Willis and that people that were playing at the same venue and I was like

but people have paid for them posters and paid for the space and then you rip them off it just destroys your poster so there is a little bit of like vandalising people's

like money I was a bit of like I was a bit on my left side with it, but you're not looking back now, like, very funny thing to do. Like,

we're still talking about that, 12 years later. Yeah. It was good PR. And man, also, like, this job,

especially in fucking comedy, in the 90s, it was rock and roll fucking anarchy, right? And there's still a bit there, which is, you know, fuck the system,

fuck the corporate fucking side of thing of putting posters up everywhere. Like, at the time I was angry because there was a dick on my fucking head. But in retrospect, you're like, man, that's the spirit of the fucking fringe right there. That's what it is, which is, yeah, look, we're all just stupid artists up here

doing our own thing. And everyone gets fucking pearl clutchy about, I want people to take my poster seriously. You're a fucking comic you're a fucking comedian take a dick on your head take a fucking dick on your head

you're a comic you can't have a fucking dick on your head you're a clown you're a clown why you act like you've got dignity you reckon Richard Byrne

never had a fucking dick on his head you reckon George Carlin was above having a dick on his head I reckon he was maybe maybe

depends who drew it aye depends what kind of dick too would you well yeah would you prefer oh that'd be what you mean like it's tiny well yeah yeah if you had a real dick on your head like it was just a birth defect would you rather it was a big dick or a smaller one and why? A smaller one? Yeah. Because it feels like it would be less noticeable?

You could pass it off as a defect. Yeah. More. Right, I go, don't look at my wee dick head. Don't look at my wee dick head. So you mistake.

Or it's the other thing. It's a trunk. When you get it pierced. That's Albert. Oh yeah, I know a lot of... I don't think you'd want a smaller one because my worry if I know a lot I don't think you'd want a smaller one

because my worry if I had a small dick on my head is people being like does it get much of the where is is that a rabbi

about to do both and you know if you got a an erection in a little unicorn with your friends oh imagine you're just like

chatting the lass up and like oh you just start and she starts getting a bit tactile with you and hands you and all that and you just start getting an erection on your head. It'd be great if only one could go. The other one goes down. Of only enough blood for one of them, love. You're going to have to suck my forehead.

I'm so daft would you think you would get it circumcised because I figured oh you know that is a good point actually yeah maybe

would you manscape it like if I had a fucking mole or a spot that had hair coming out of it I'd trim that for sure so it's no different if you've got it

so different than a huge dick on your head you're not going to just have loads of hairs poking out of the red trim that's for sure Alex so it's no different if you've got it it's no different than a huge dick on your head you're not going to just have loads of hairs poking out of your head are you I would probably

take better care of this one than I would of my actual one that's your display dick that's the

trainer that they put on the front of JD Sports then they got on the back to get the other one you pretend you're bigger.

Can I get a size 10? You're nice. Every girl that I go on a date with is so excited to get home and have sex with me because they've seen the dick up my forehead and then it's just the difference between McDonald's adverts and McDonald's reality. There's not even two patties on this shit.

God. I think if you wore a hat as well, like a little hat and someone talked to you I'm like that's not even two patties on this shit God I think if you wore a hat as well Like a little hat And someone talked to you But you were trying to hide it And it got erect And it would come up That would be great though

Yeah you'd be like A woman so hot that she blew your hat off You could self hatch catch him Aye I've met a man Who has got a tattoo of a penis on his penis Is it bigger? squatty

I'll make it bigger the girl he's dating is whoever the road Wile E. Coyote and he's the road runner I'll just draw an extra couple of inches and she'll not notice

can you remember Penny Creon I was too young for that used to draw things and then that would come to reality it was a kids cartoon inches and she'll not notice. I can remember Penny Creon, I was too young for that. She used to draw things and then that would come to reality. It was a kids

cartoon. I reckon after hours when she wasn't doing kids TV she was drawing loads of dildos. Just dildos, not fully functioning

boobies? I don't know if she can make stuff sentient, I can't remember the cartoon that well. Maybe she could just bring stuff

to life. She draws her friend and is like what am I draw noose draw noose play hangman for the love of god free me from this eternal

misery you probably couldn't hang him because you don't have you'd have to start drawing the neck as well I do so we're on an absolute different fucking timeline for cartoons i can't i can't just sit with you two and have like no stuff all right my childhood yeah you did actually say they're like oh and that that fringe was 12 years ago i was just i wasn't even doing comedy 12 years ago just funny when you said it and i noticed it

i was like oh god yeah Yeah, that's right. Saying that though, you're the same age and you were, but you would have been like fucking teen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you watch then Biker Mouse from Mars? Yeah, that was a big one that might have. I didn't really watch it that

often, but I was aware that was a cartoon then. Do you remember Street Sharks? I do just remember the generation where people who were making kids' TV shows, clearly it was just the time when networks were like, just go do a cartoon for the kids, and then, you know, and nobody looked over them

because they just started them to make these shows. All of these shows were clearly written by people that were either on mushrooms at the time or stoned the entire time. Yeah. You just watch. Yeah. Can you remember Rude Dog and the Dweebs?

Rude Dog and the Dweebs? No. I feel like you meant that right off the top of your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, he's trying to put... Rude Dog and the Dweebs. Most people are like Ren and Stimpy. You're a fucking...

Rude Dog? Show me. He was like, he had like a fucking convertible. He was a cool as fuck dog. He was a cool as fuck, I better be. But he was really cool had like a fucking convertible he was cool as fuck dog he was a cool as fuck but he was really cool to the other dogs in the mood to be rude

oh well he was real cool was he you know Molly and I has got our fucking accounts on Facebook

she did that like to me I was like why did you shove mine she doesn't have yours our agent's got our login and she obviously can like put up a poster for my friend show and give it a blurb and then sponsor it and advertise and it's always made a bit weird because it looks like i'm talking

about myself in third person like kai humphries multi-award winning comedian but it's like hey i was admin writing it and i'm always a little bit like uh that should have just done something a bit more personal and push it. But you know what? You're producing the show. You know it, Dan. She's done one for the live podcast. We'll have a live podcast, by the way, 20th of August, 2022. And I'm only going to put out a post from your account and say, live, and in brackets, and very rude.

As you, welcome to the podcast. Live and very rude and I really wanted to troll and laugh about it and very rude because she put up one where she clearly not paid to get a poster done because you're getting one done and she just used rudimentary photoshop to put the details on a picture of you

and I was like trolling going oh where did you get your designer knowing that you'll never see this conversation I do my own Instagram and that's it everything else is I'm better than Facebook so that's why I'm not on that and then with like Twitter I just get

sucked into it it makes me sad because it's mostly like political and the worst cunts. And then with TikTok, I'm just like, it's just a giant whirlpool. Well, the thing that scares me about TikTok is the algorithm on it is so good. So unbelievably good at working out what you're into. Like if you hesitate by like an extra point two seconds on a video the algorithm will go right what did he see there that he likes right that's also these videos so it's just designed to just keep you in your fucking phone and i just don't need your algorithm

and andrew tate it's not on the andrew tate i don't know who that is oh jesus hustler university Jesus, Hustler University He's an ex-kickboxer Who had He won't admit this, but a horrific childhood A horrific childhood I don't know what his dad did to him But it was, most likely, beat seven shades of shit Out of him and his brother And his mother because of just the way he is

And his whole fucking thing He is worse And I mean infinitely worse Than the people from the the pickup artists from the game like way worse because it's mystery it's not even it's it's not even like oh we're gonna trick women into sleeping with us by you know negging them and making his is just women are his women are inferior and men are this and it's this big boo boo boo so obviously gets all these big fucking loser men who are like yeah fucking women's places are in

the fucking kitchen you fucking tell them take whatever incel catnip yeah exactly that so that's what andrew fucking tay is and he's been on the fucking tom segura your mom's house podcast which is a big strike against tom segura for me like if you've got a fucking platform use it fucking responsibly joe rogan is a fucking wanker for having alex jones on the podcast you're a fucking wanker for having him on the fucking podcast do not give scum a platform he went in that anyway colin wins your show but i saw him watching a video I'm fascinated by the guy like not in a

good way as in like I don't look obviously like fucking god damn Andrew Tate but you're seeing

you want to see him get arrested in his comeuppance but I can't help waiting that extra few seconds and it's fucked the whole algorithm

because like I saw him saying that you're a pussy if you die of a heart attack and went on like a two minute bit and I was like

you don't really have a just get up and get on with it and I was like it's not what what i that's funny if it's a bit though like if that's exactly the jokes we do is wouldn't it be funny if this was my horrible opinion so i'm going to with my tongue firmly in my cheek pretend to have this opinion and the joke is people that have this opinion are awful he's just this sells to people

that don't have girlfriends and therefore don't have to buy their girlfriends or wives any presents so they've got all this extra money flying around because no woman will date them and they'll give it to me he's got one of those fucking ponzi schemes where it's like oh the only way to become a true fucking millionaire like me and my friends is to pay 200 a month to join our club and we'll tell you what the secret to becoming a millionaire is. It's 36 quid to join Hustlers University. Is that what it's called?

He runs Cam Girls in Romania. He doesn't go back to the UK because I'm pretty sure he'll get fucking arrested on site. He's in specifically in Romania just because you can do worse things there and fucking get away with it.

If there's any justice in the world, which there very rarely is, in the next 10 years, we'll see him go down for something. And you're saying that when I want the algorithm on TikTok, you get fed his videos. He's mastered it. But he's already kind of like... He doesn't even have a TikTok account himself or anything,

but people just clip everything he says because it's so clippable, it's so horrible. That would be because in the Dave Longley way that he's commenting on our shit and it's causing all these arguments and rows and everything

that's actually fucking spinning the wheels and I was all people posting his shit knowing that everyone's going to

fight in the comments and then that flies so somebody's just there going I'm going to get millions more views on TikTok if I post this kind of shit

yeah yeah so there's thousands of... Facebook the other day came out and admitted, because, you know, when people make these fucking algorithms, they don't fully know what the algorithms do because the algorithms learn themselves and they teach themselves things.

And it's not like you can say to the computer, what did you just fucking learn? It can analyse things over and over again. And it's not until years later that they can sort of deconstruct the code and look at what it's done and be like oh fuck that's where it went wrong and they were like the facebook algorithm all it did was it was meant to bring people together but it just taught people that controversial opinions were good because controversial opinions were always the one that went to the top you i mean think about what fucking twitter was

you never got people that were just saying normal things, right? That would never get to the front page. It would never fucking get retweeted. But any controversial shit, because people... That's divisive. Yeah, and it's the outrage and the outrage of outrage. And as I've said before, the outrage of outrage is always infinitely more than the initial fucking...

Outrage squared. Aye. Because I only go on TikTok to see how well the clips are doing which you don't even post it's your brother's post it for you but I'll go on

and just see how they're doing and before you can even go to your account I get whatever it feeds us so the only TikToks I ever see is when I open the app as a 13 year old man

on Facebook it thinks what I want to see is lush lasses dancing so so so when you start TikTok that so so so it's when you start tiktok that is i think it's just across the board any love it takes like it took about three weeks before the algorithm kind of like started feeding it out obviously still keeps

it but then but but you know now it's andrew tate bakawa saka and the odd woman dancing but at the start it was just nothing but like absolutely they were like that's probably the best one that everyone's but i've i've only went from that opening thing to googling you uh searching you and then clicking on your account to see how it's doing and i opened my account today and it was a lassie who maybe has like cerebral palsy or something dancing so i don't know what the fuck happened where Gans, where he likes lasses dancing and people with disabilities. Let's give them both.

I'm looking at this algorithm going, what's happening here? I'm looking at the last guy, good for you. Good for you, getting loose. I don't know what Gans are on. See, we are all in our house on our phones heaps right and I do constantly get worried that you know Caelan will see us on her phone he doesn't want to fucking phone it but he'll see us

looking at her phone and I say to Cara I'm like do you ever get nervous about how much we're on our phones and she's like definitely there will be a point where I think we just have to reduce it and we have to move to the other room to make sure he doesn't see it. Because, I mean, because at the moment he doesn't know, he just knows that we look at this little thing.

Because, but the weird thing is, the only thing we ever show Caelan on a screen, the only thing is just videos or pictures of himself. Just because, like, he now recognises himself. So when he sees himself in videos, he finds it funny, right? He laughs, he's he's like oh that's that's fucking me and I'm just like

does this can't think that all me and Cara do all day it's just I stay in the videos it's clear those cape it's clear those fucking cape

I walk in I walk in right and I'm just replying to Natalie right and he looks at me going cuz watching videos

of me cuz that's what that device does I'm here I'm right here Cud talk to me I'm better than the real thing yeah two seconds

just looking at a couple more cute videos of you but I'm right here your son's just going to think that he should be on TV too oh yeah from a hill that's what's going to happen

I always wondered you know how you get like your school photos and stuff and like all the way through your house it's just pictures of you up in the house I often wonder how much that's

psychologically affecting thinking that you're like the centre of the universe because you are the centre of the universe in your own house but the only person

I know other than children who have pictures of themselves up around the house is Kim Jong Un dictators dictators are the only

people who have pictures of themselves up if anyone if anyone was watching the if anyone was watching the... If anyone was watching the... To the people on audio, most of you,

Matthew, our producer, just pointed the poster of me up in the background. Well, the thing I was... Nobody draw a picture of a penis on it. I have some respect. Yeah, I mean, you are asking people to draw... Yours is already drawn on, so you are... You got a head of you.

I hate to use this phrase, but you are kind of asking for it. If anyone was watching the video of the podcast, feel free to look back at that clip when Kai's talking about there's only two types of people that have pictures of themselves around their house and watch the fear in my eyes as I'm 90% certain he's about to mention me I was just in my head I was like in what room do I have pictures of myself

I know there's one in the snook look at my hoodie I've got a cartoon of me and you we're bad which you could also have oh yeah plug the fucking merch that we've got just have a look at my link tree and our socials We put

Me and Cara put Cullen in an uncomfortable situation Last night when we were watching Sleeper hold Well if it wasn't comfortable Why did he fall asleep We were watching Love Is Land And One of the dweebs on it was we were watching Love Is Land and one of the dweebs on it

was just went oh you with your missus you're definitely punching right and he took it so personally he was like

I'm definitely not punching and she was like oh yes she was like well you are but he was really put off by it got really fucking angry

and I mean he's a deeply insecure person anyway and this just fucking, but it got us into the conversation when I went to Cara. I'm like,

like, do you think I'm punching? And she was like, no. Do you think I'm punching? I was like, no, I think Luke's wise.

We're pretty much, I don't think that you're infinitely more beautiful than me. I don't think we're out of each other's leagues there. Cullen oh so I must have

started like kind of heard it the next thing I got fucked into this Cara going well I'm the personable one oh that was it

yeah yeah so it was on looks wise we agreed we were but I went on her best day she's way better than you on your

best day yes aye aye but we're going but if you're such as chilling I love the way you're starting to get angry again oh hold going but if you're such as children i love that yeah i love the way you're starting to get angry again oh hold on i guess you're not just getting from

well my thing was uh uh a punching no neither of us are punching looks wise but with photography i was like you are absolutely punching personality wise like don't be wrong cara your class you're 10 out of 10. i just happen to be one of the 11's that's the world that you're living in I think for like for like

one hour a day you're an 11 and it's the podcast or it's when you're on stage that's what she's but for the other 23 hours

she's a 10 and you're a fucking low 4 this was her argument she was like average that out mate she was like I'm more personable she was like to average that out mate she was like I'm more personable

she was like if we meet somebody out that you don't know you won't engage with them or talk to them I'm like yeah I'm not gonna fucking try and impress

someone that's not my friend it's either that or you invite them to the wedding no that's just yours and Cara's bit because Cara wants a wedding with

nine people there and I'd like no Daniel chats to like an Uber driver for like one minute if he actually gets into that next thing he just starts going like oh we're best of And I'd like No Daniel chats to Like an Uber driver For like one minute If he actually gets into that Next thing he just starts going Like oh we're best of friends

I'm like well This is fucking weird I would have had it That she wanted The bigger guest list And you wanted The smaller guest list Bigger

Oh wow Aye Because I thought you Like less people the better Just because of this No no no Because for me it's Like for me

What the wedding is Is it's It's a big party For all of your friends and family to come around meet each other and get drunk and celebrate the fact

that you're in love with each other and and because it's like I want it to be a day where there's people who have throughout my life been

involved in parts we've been friends really good friends we might have fucking you know drifted apart but I still want them at like the evening thing and like Cara's thing is like

you've not seen these people in three years I'm like there's been a pandemic for three years that doesn't

fucking count and I'm in a job where like you can gan you as with a sanitary doesn't mean that and I get her side of things

because man if she didn't speak to one of her friends for two years they probably never fucking speak again but with this yeah because I

had a 80 cap because it was it was on it was on it was on location it was in fucking it was overseas so I couldn't invite people just to the

evening do so I had to have 80 and it was one of them things where you know I had like we grouped close friends comedians

but then I also had like a bunch of comedians who I fucking love hanging out with and saying but I felt like if I invite one

of those guys that minimum it's like you know when you unlock an extra circle of friendship it's just bigger than the I'm going to wave and sing. But I felt like if I invite one of those guys, that minimum. It's like, you know, when you unlock an extra circle of friendship, it's just bigger than the... Yeah. Well, I mean, for me, my thing, and I keep saying this to Cara,

she's like, if we invite these people, we have to invite those people. I'm like, that's not how it works. We invite whoever we want. And if anyone who doesn't get invited to the wedding has a fucking attitude about not being invited to the wedding, that's why they weren't invited to the wedding. The Mardi. Little Ali, invited to the wedding has a fucking action about not being invited to the wedding that's why they weren't invited to the wedding like if little Ali

my fucking best friend of 20 years now because he got married during lockdown because that was the only time they could do it I didn't get to

the wedding right they had room for 10 people it was obviously her family his family and the fucking thing

not for a second not even for the briefest millisecond did it ever cross my mind to be like oh i was one of the 10 i'm gonna make the cut did it fuck off my friend my best friend got married that's the happy fucking thing i thought it was family right plus you have to invite like people that have to be there not like if you really had if you were doing having a wedding and you wanted only people you wanted to be there like you wouldn't have your parents there maybe you pretty

much but yeah Cullen's impression of my family because Cullen was they're all yeah they're all hugging

each other and tell each other they love them and stuff it's deeply uncomfortable parents are supportive it's weird

does your dad tell you he loves you aye yeah aye the end of a phone call and all that did he do it growing up Parents are supportive It's weird Does your dad Tell you he loves you? Aye Yeah aye End of a phone call And I'll laugh Did he do it growing up? You know what

I think he got a lot more When me grandad died I think he got a lot more Saying I love you And cuddling Because I think he wished He did it more with his dad Aye

I think So I think His was more I remember it more As an adult Than I did as a kid Well my dad I think So I think like His was more I remember More as an adult Than I did as a kid He was very Well my dad knows

Nothing but death And it still never Turned him around to it Never once I don't think He's ever said that to me Ever My mother

Maybe two or three times Max Have you heard him Have you heard him say I love you to your mum God no Shut up I've never even heard him Just love in general Just I love this cup of tea Have you seen him say I love you to your mum? God, no. God, no. I've never even heard him just love in general.

Just, I love this cup of tea. Have you seen him kiss her, hug her? Like once ever. Like once ever. And I caught them. In the kitchen. I was like, what the fuck? What's going on in here?

And I peck at the cheek. I was like. Hitting them with a broom Just turning the fucking hose on them Never hugged in my life Unless I don't even think we hugged At his Mass funeral

I think we just skipped it You've never hugged your dad Nah Jesus How do you mean escalated We had this Gareth was along my type of side Oh aye

Oh Gareth's dad's is Yeah is it Catholicism? I don't think Gareth's dad's Christian Is it the church? Oh you get it in Ulfhead Is it both kilts? I suppose maybe Catholic guilt Catholic guilt from hugging your dad Is it both kilts? I suppose, maybe.

Catholic guilt. Catholic guilt for hugging your dad. I wish I didn't get a twitch on my forehead. I do think that, you know, it's definitely like a generational thing. Not to say that there weren't people in previous generations who didn't say I love you to their kids, but I would be interested if there was any data because I reckon it's increased exponentially in the last 30 years

do you think it's because they weren't like hugging between two men no no no no no no no no no I mean fathers being able to say I love you to their sons and and and being able to be like emotional and and and loving with their sons as opposed to, I've got to raise a man who's strong because this is a cruel world. They might end up going to war. They can't be...

You did field on both ends there. He's looking at his work, and I don't know where I went wrong. I was trying to make a man Forged in steel And I made this sickly Robin Aron Style character

Does your mum say She loves you Rarely Very rarely But Like I feel like that's happened A few times

But never in a phone call It would need to be Do you think that's because She's been saying it When 9-11 happened It's the last This is so good I love you

I love you. I love you too. We did it all after the slow clap ended. Oh, so you think it's a Catholic thing? That means nothing. Have any of you done confessions then? No. That's so funny.

Have you done confessions? Oh God, yeah. Everyone did for like years. You know, you pop in there and go, right, Father, what do you have for me? What have you done confessions? Oh god yeah Everyone did For like years You know you pop in there And go right father What do you have for me What have you done Nah but So you just go in there

And how brazen were you Oh never So you lied So you lied to him Which was the one thing You're not supposed to do And then confess with lying It's quicker

Yeah so Tell a lie Confess with lying Do the one hell Mary for lying Ah so you know And they're judging it Yeah and you're always like

Where do you I don't know Because you know You they're judging it yeah and you're always like where do you I don't know because you know you get extra prayers for the worst things you do but it was always the same shit

like I was swearing and I was bad to my mum and I lied and then you just even if you hadn't even done them you were saying that

yeah even if you had never sworn you're just saying it like that which is an extra sin because now you're lying to God

and he'd be like he's got you strapped up to the lie detector. Yeah. 45 Hail Marys. Piece of shit. Off you go. Heart rate spike there.

He watched you look up and left. All right, I joined Boko Haram. What do you want from me? Well, that's five Hail Marys. Did you ever, did you ever confess to masturbating? No, no, that's not...

I'll reword this. Did you ever get into a booth with a grown-ass man as a teenager and tell him you wanked? I will. Just a bus driver. That would mean I'd have to get into the little thing with him. Open the door for him. I masturbate. Get out of here here it's still one of these still one eddie and unless i hear tinkling you're not getting on

um no you wouldn't that's not really a thing i know it is a thing but you would never i feel like it maybe you've thrown me off now uh you should get back and just i've got so much you've got so many hail marys just take a scroll i've got a log but it must be one of the most disheartening things in the world that's definitely happened but none of us will ever know which is just somebody gets into like a confessional booth and it's like god forgive me father for i've said it was my mother's birthday yesterday and my dad spent all this time making her a cake and it was her favorite type of cake and as a family we ate most of it and there was one slice left and he's like that's for your mom

in the morning and um i'm gonna be honest father i woke up at three in the morning i was having some nightmares and went downstairs to get myself a glass of milk and the cake was just just there and i could so i ate it i ate the chocolate cake and and i feel so bad and you just hear fucking man and he's like barely even a fucking sin you would have gotten more trouble had you fed the chocolate cake to a dog you can't not even a senate wait what's just that Wait what's that Or just Every time you confess

Your sins You just hear Please Could you just A couple of heel mirrors And get out I've had three drug dealers In here today

And a violent criminal It's been fucking class Me and the lads Have been talking about it And you come in with your Oh I had a wank in the bathroom You fucking loser I figured you were a story topper

have you ever had like a cool priest that was always a big one have I ever I've never had a priest call him guys you haven't

lived I've got no history of priests what's a cool priest one that taps you on the head when he's about to come

just to let you know son I make you wear the collar I'm either dog or we had one just to let you know son make you wear the collar and now the duck we had one it wasn't even my local priest it was my grandmothers and they all loved him because he was younger

that was first of all but he was all against so basically what happened was it's very funny he eventually left the priesthood because he was like he was like all the priests I know they're all banging kids essentially what his thing was and he was like i'm out this is fucking horrific i can't follow the whatever i'll just be religious or whatever and all the old people hated him for

you know like the old they're like how could you turn your back on god and i'm like i feel like he was doing you know i feel like he was on jesus's side in this one i've said it before and i'll say it again at 70 we need to just start indiscriminately breaking necks. Okay. Like, we've just got to start. Too many people live for too long and it needs to stop. Make them do whiteboard.

We'll start when you turn 70, Colin. We'll make them do whiteboard. We'll make them do whiteboard. We love it. They're most fragile. What if I call it Catholicism? That would be a good way to do it. Aye, aye.

Game's short. Japanese are probably doing it already Total Wipeout is the show All over the 70s Have to go And Total Wipeout And there's just no safety team there So that's it

And if you get to the end Guess who's there Your grandkids But you can still fucking drown in the water I can't go over the ball You're like Alright well then You've lived your life really haven't go over the ball you're like alright well then you've lived your life

really haven't you what else are you going to do the water's only one inch deep and it's concrete off the big ball things what are you going to do with the rest of your all you're doing though

is filtering out the really capable like old people with bad opinions alright so you're getting them through and getting out of here

you can still fend for yourself yeah well no I just think survival of you know The first at that point just Do you know I'm just trying to think Do you not have death notices then on the radio?

What? Like a rundown of What on fucking Scott Mills? Like a rundown Scott Mills just Yeah Like a list of dead cunts today Yeah a list of who's dead in the local area

No That's so funny. That's a real Irish thing. I know Alison Spittel had a bit about it that was really famous, but basically they had death notices in Ireland, so you'd go onto the radio and you'd be like, I wonder if any relatives have died.

You know, you might get the jump on. You know, like sometimes they waited a day before telling you, like, oh, your uncle's gone there, but we're just getting shit together. She'd be listening. You'd listen in every day at like 10 o'clock for like a rundown of the local area of like the top 48. 78.

Remains will be taken on Friday. Did you ever hear a name that like you fucking knew and you're like, whoa. I'm sorry, I made you drive there. Hold on, let me put you on your bike. You're like, whoa. The bike with the radio on it. Colin was born in rural Ireland He had bike stereo

Don't act like you didn't Had the Walkman Yeah Boombox No they didn't do celebrities If that's what you're asking Or do you mean like No no I mean have you been like

And then like you found out Like your auntie had died Off the radio Like someone The fucking problem is Like around my area Everyone has the same like Second names and shit

So they're like Oh you'll be like Oh Mary McGinley's dead And I'm like Mum And I'm like There's about 50 Like you know what I mean

Like Mary McGinley 57 died today Oh what's mum What's mum 56 Oh god That'll just be

One of her sisters then One of It's her birthday Aye Sorry We had the ethnosis You tried to fucking tell me That em Pies was an English thing It's her birthday. Aye, so we had the ethnosis. You tried to fucking tell me that pies was an English thing.

I went to Ireland and I was hungover and I was like, what do you want to eat? And I was like, I don't know, a pie or something. And you were like, oh, that's... Nobody eats pies. You're like, that's a strictly English thing. And I'm like, they've definitely got pie face in Australia. Aye, but...

American pie is about a pie. No, no, no. On the cartoons... It's about you slaving freely. On the cartoons, when they put a pie no on the cartoons it's about you living freely on the cartoons when they put a pie out to fucking cool down the fucking animal

like floats on the smell of it to eat it pies are global man no you're taking in fruit pies there and that's not and that's an apple tart

yeah that's a whole we all have apple tarts we're talking about scotch pies or the base little fucking circle with different fillings in it. That pie thing

is UK and they definitely do it in Australia. So you think Australians have just been Anglophiles then? Can it be right? Well, I'm sorry, do you think one of the colonies

is being part of the colonies? So you're saying like pie is our pizza. And if you have pizza in Australia that's because they're just doing a very Italian thing. But then again,

pizza's global so it defeats the point of the argument immediately but pie no no what I'm saying is Australia is Britain light

just hotter like it's they've got the queen on the money yeah like their Commonwealth they love British culture yeah it's the Commonwealth

we that's what I meant not Collins I would say you could you could go into a fucking supermarket and you could find a mince pie or something, or a steak pie.

Macaroni pies, if you say macaroni pie in America or Europe. Yeah, to the podcast listeners, yous are all over the place. I see yous signing up on Patreon with all your different currencies. Yous are all over the place. D's eat pie. We're not talking fruit homemade pies,

plum pies, cherry pies, apple pies, any of that. Steak and kidney pie. Steak pie. Steak andisy pie. And we're not talking fruit homemade pies, plum pies, cherry pies, apple pies, any of that. Steak and kidney pie. Steak pie. Steak and ale pie. Mostly like cornish pasties. Meat and potato. Pasties, right? Because you know like the ones you get in the vans.

We don't have Greggs and all that shit. You know what I mean? At all. I reckon they'll come though because Wetherspoons met us first. Oh, really? There's a Wetherspoons in Dublin now that's a fucking

big fucking that's like a Brexit-y institution that is right there's one in Dublin now and there was a lot of uproar and then in like

two weeks later it was pretty cheap though that is Dublin that fucking absolute pillock fucking bumming around with these political opinions

from Wetherspoons was like as much as I fucking hated him it was not enough to stop me going into a place where the food is cheaper

than the sum of its parts yeah like you shouldn't be able to sell me an egg for seven pence since it costs ten pence in the shop like what have you done

who's delivering this it's wild and they were way ahead of the game we're just ordering at the table on the app and it just appeared on the table.

Well, because they had filthy scumming before COVID was a thing. They were like, just limit contact with these punters. Don't touch your punters, whatever you do. No music, so you've not with your thoughts,

so you'll drink more. Aye, no sport. Aye. What's that about? Aye. No frills. Speaking of your dad, Colin. Oh God, shit. Oh, God. Shit.

Your dad got stung at the spelling bee. Enjoyed that. Daniel, your dad bought a T-shirt that said, life's a bitch and then you marry one, and he gave it to your mum to wear. That is a bitch move. Kai, your dad said, blurry Mary three times in the mirror

before the barman Said over here Kai when your dad Pours a Guinness The white bit is at the bottom So he uses a straw Colin your dad Poured both of his feet

In one Veruca sock So he could swim Like a mermaid At the local bar And now he feet in one Veruca sock so he could swim like a mermaid at the local bath. And now he's got a Veruca on both feet. Dad. Dad! Dad!

That's me and Kai. Daniel, your dad sleepwalks so much and he keeps waking up in your bed and it's hard to explain because you live in different countries. Colin, your dad gets a tattoo of the title every time he finishes reading a book which is why he has 96 tattoos

of the word Mein Kampf on his back being drawn on a blackboard by Bart Simpson Daniel, your dad went for a full body massage and asked for a sad ending so he ended up tossing off the masseuse Kai, your dad won employee of the month, but he's a prostitute. They like how he pays me. Colin, your dad's childhood crush was the Hamburglar.

Danny, your dad goes through the car wash on the roof rack. Kai, your dad left everything in his will to Millwall Football Club the worst one as well Josh oh bastards from top to bottom Kai before your dad farts

he licks his finger not just to check the direction of the wind but also to help the little guy out come on little buddy don't be shy his finger. Not just to check the direction of the wind, but also to help the little guy out. Come on little buddy, don't be shy. Come on, come on.

Coaxes it. Colin, when your dad's playing Pass the Parcel, he always adds a layer of wrapping paper when it stops at him because he doesn't want the moment to end. Kat, your dad's ashes are still by the fireplace uh where he fell in

just never just small just two feet just two shoes not just an end to an end well

Colin plug your fringe show please and let people come to it oh okay I'm doing a fringe in the stand comedy club venue 2 not the same one as you

but uh the best way I always keep saying it is like if you're doing your show you can do Gareth's show your show and my show all in a row

there you go come to the fringe for one day just go into the stand you don't have to go fucking anywhere it's on at 8 o'clock it's called caveat emptor which is latin for

no refunds so the order would be Gareth then you then you it's just so gets more all right and it's all at the stand there's a bar there there's fucking food in the area so you can have a good day watching all three class i'll see you all at the fringe and i'll see everybody who subscribes on patreon on thursday you