Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Is Jay Slater Alright? (Ft. Jack Traynor )

Episode Date: October 9, 2024

Two years ago Muggins spoke on the podcast about a young urchin he picked up off the streets after seeing him do an open spot and added him to some professional line-ups to kick start his career, two years later young Jack Traynor is taking the prison scene by storm. They shun the subscribed religions and speculate alternative ideas about life and creation. Jack tells about how he ended up in China from the promise of a free meal.   Good luck to our international audience deciphering these two exotic regional accents.   Join Kai on Tour www.kaihumphries.com

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. First of all, I want to thank everybody who has subscribed to Patreon. I appreciate that. To everybody who hasn't subscribed and you're listening late on the free channels, get your finger out. It's three quid. You can part with it and you'll get to enjoy one extra episode per week. This episode, we've got Jack Traynor, who I discovered as a new comedian a couple of years ago. He's come on in leaps and bounds and he's come to join me on the podcast to talk about his time as a foreign exchange drug dealer in china the prison gigs he's been doing um it's a it's an interesting conversation i think you're gonna enjoy it um and also i want to tell you before the podcast starts you can feel it coming you can feel it brewing i'm gonna try and sell your tickets i've got a tour uh starting this week if you listen to the podcast

as it comes out this is the week my tour starts 10th of October in Bristol 11th of October in Bath, 12th of October in London in the Leicester Square Theatre which might be sold out now because I've just done the Palladium opening

for Daniel Sloss so if even a fraction of them bought tickets then it is full but please go and check there may still be tickets left and then on the 13th of october i'm going to be in chelmsford so you've got four gigs to choose from this week and if you want to come to any of the shows between now and december go check my website kai humphries.com and if you're listening to this intro you might i might sound a little bit distracted and that's because there's a dog trying to lick my face. If you're watching it, you're welcome. Yeah,

please come join me on tour. Go check my website. I'm coming all over Europe, a lot of the

UK and yeah, starts in Bristol on the 10th. I'll see you there. Whoa. Sloss and Humphreys on

the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!

They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? Right, Jack, can we just talk about what's just happened? Aye, I'm gettin getting deja vu here. Aye, we've just restarted the podcast after starting it, because why? We started the podcast, everything was going great, and then we realised that Kai hadn't plugged his mic in. And not just that, there was no cable attached to it. It wasn't just like there was a loose end,

like is this meant to be plugged into the Rodecaster? I thought yous were doing well, like yous have got some mad bluetooth set up or something no no mate I've just done a Kai I mean we've talked about

on the last podcast as well like it's getting Kyle doing a Kai every time I do shit like that all the time like it's the point

now where I think it might be medical I don't know if yous can make fun of us anymore I thought I hadn't started the camera there

I genuinely thought I hadn't started the camera I'm genuinely thought I hadn't started the camera I'm having a fucking bad one So anyway, let's reintroduce you Jack Because we've talked about you on this podcast before Because, was it two years ago? Aye, I'm about two and a half years in So it would have been two years

Two years ago I picked you up off the streets Like quite literally picked you up off the streets I'd seen you on Red Raw And I fucking knew you on Red Raw and I I fucking knew you had like fucking class straight away like you know how sometimes

you watch an act on stage and you're just like oh they might figure it out eventually if they keep going I felt like you had something straight away like you

I appreciate that you just had that edge right I was forced to have that edge man right school in Cumbernauld I couldn't fight

I couldn't run fast like I had to just like take the piss out of people like be the funny one it's currency isn't it oh 100% because yeah you've got a very

bullyable face oh whiff it I do proper bullyable face you need to mix someone's life hell fucking words I lean into it as well like a Venus flytrap

I walk about looking at this because you'll have you'll have seen the picture of me when I was a kid big prescription

glasses I guess that hangs up I had to be fucking ready with like was it Leslie Nielsen or

fucking Steve Martin Roxanne remember that where he had a big nose nah I was born in 98

man that's fucking it was even before my time this I'm talking about the film Medawar

I used to watch but eh he had all of the jokes for having a big nose before like it got to him like so he like people would

take the piss out of his nose and then he would fucking ate my lid and just do it himself that's how I enjoy the roast battles so much like it's no

like especially when you're up against like your pal or something like that like you've done them with your pals like a million times like it's just your actual gid when you're going up against like your pal or something like you've done them your pals like a million times like it's just you're your actual giddy just like gloves on this guy up in front of everybody it's so funny because there's a there's a have a word roast coat attack with this off of air before when the bank wasn't plugged in um does it have a word roast coming up in liverpool on saturday and i kind of I can't even get anything to watch

because it's my London show of my tour so I can't be there but like I've been fucking on speed dial for every cunt

have you? I've been like Littlefinger who for? I've been playing every fucking side man like I've had obviously Sloss is doing it

so I've been feeding people like I've not been feeding them jokes but I've been giving them the fucking subject matter you're like America.

You're doing, like, proxy roasts. You're, like, going in with Iran to get them to roast them. It's a proper proxy war, aye. And I'm fucking... And then I went and went to Danny's last night as if I hadn't just been feeding everybody lines about him and then fucking digging everybody else. Like, with him, I've been, honestly,

I've put my stamp on that fucking roast with him never being there. Just whacked away whistling. I've hurt anybody's feelings. Nobody knows it was me. I mean, if you're not even there, it's just like chopping a grenade into the rim of a car.

Yeah, just like, driving it away. So, when I say I picked it up off the street, it was almost literal because I'd seen you on, I'd seen you on Red Raw, knew your class,

didn't even fucking pick up your name. I know, just fucking, I had like a mental note of that fucking ginger lad with a mullet who smashed it at the open mate keep an eye on him

and then I was down in Globe Bar it was Globe Bar wasn't it it was during the Fringe during the Fringe 2022 I'd went in early because there was a Newcastle match on

I was there also watching the Newcastle match and you were watching the Newcastle match with one eye and with the other eye you were supporting whoever I was playing

against Rangers I'm outing you are you outing me then I mean I look like this anyway I was playing against Rangers I'm outing you aye you're outing me I mean I look like this anyway I have no chance I'm fucking outing you on the podcast

you've got a side in the sectarian violence it was PSV Rangers and I think it was a Europa League qualifier I don't even think it was like the main tournament

because it was like would have been in August so aye aye I thought it would have been a qualifier PSV and I remember watching that with you

I think you were in with Colin and Nelson which I believe that club used to be the Phillips Factory it was a Phillips Factory it was like it was like a works team in Bocombe

PSV Eindhoven that's mental isn't it aye that's like Spartak innit they were like a they were Spart

they were all electricians aye that would be a that would be a bastard wasn't it right I think like always on this podcast there's not

a like I've said it a million times doing the lens right not a very big crossover with Daniel Sloss's fans and football fans so we'll make this

brief yeah but imagine you worked for the fucking Phillips factory and you had your game and all that and they started doing really well and

then they just started signing cuts you need to go back to the back shift you're fucking grafting because

you haven't got a place in the team anymore because you must have looted by fucking Edgar Davids you would play at your skin

but like if you know that if you won that cup or whatever like and you would be in the team next season you'd be pulling off absolutely

everything so you wouldn't have to do a 95 so you were in there fucking swearing at the telly because some Dutch team

wasn't doing well enough against your nemesis. And I was like, oh yeah, I come from Red Raw. And we started chatting and then we went, we didn't heckle Cullen

that night, did we? But we did let him know we were there. Basically what happened is you, yous were jumping out to meet somebody,

I don't know, going to the bar or something. You were like, can yous, it was me, I was with Paddy Linton that night. And then you were like, oh, can you keep an eye on our seats? And I think we just sat down next to the bar or something, you were like, can you, it was me, I was with Paddy Linton that night and then you were like,

oh, can you keep an eye on our seats? And I think we just sat down and that season didn't leave. Aye. Yeah. And then we went, oh,

I've just ended up following you about like a week out. We went to see Cullen and we sat at the back like fucking, like giggling, like out of sequence with the crowd.

Like, I don't know how you fucking, you mumbled something to us and I was fucking howling and it was out of beat with a crowd. Like, I don't know how you fucking mumbled something to us, and I was fucking howling, and it was out of beat with a joke, and Colin was just, like, fucking looking out of shape in his head. What was it again? Was it when he was on? It was when he was on.

Would there have been Ouija board? He does a bit about a Ouija board. He does a bit about a Ouija board, and you're like, this Ouija's board. Which to the Americans, that's slang for Glaswegian. I'm not even Glaswegian. I'm like, the scousers would call me a wool, which basically means it's like you're outside, you're nowhere in the city.

Like I'm a G postcode. Oh, so I'm a wool. I'm a Newcastle wool. I'm blithe. Because I'm NE24. I wasn't born near the river. I think that's like, I don't know. It's not as like, they're really like passionate

about that in Liverpool. I don't think anybody cares. as like they're really like passionate about that in Liverpool I don't think anybody cares I saw two Geordies fighting outside Gilded Bloom during the fringe on Bristol Square over who was the most Geordie

it was a comedian called John Smith and just some random Geordie lad and they just started proper raising their voice and pushing and shoving and one of them was like

I'm not a Geordie me postcode's NE1 and the other one was like I live by the Tyne you can see the Tyne out the window and they were arguing over who was the most Geordie but it was like i'm not a jory me postcodes anyone and the other one was like i live by the time you can see the time out the window and they were arguing over who was the most jory but it was like proper like free in the morning fucking shit and if they if they had a scrap they would have probably been sound in the morning like that level of just fucking working class just fucking fighting's part of our blood helping each other up like we're both jordy yeah you're hard

like after you've got a nosebleed now like you are Geordie drop a comment I felt that punch you're definitely a Geordie sorry for saying that you weren't I didn't know

you fucking punched me a heed so we had that night we went there fucking late and live so I took you I took you backstage

and late and live so you were like fucking open spot so this was all like this was all like just on the fucking like out like a sperm

like on the outside of the fucking over we trying to get into the comedy industry and just like wheedling you're just wheedling at different angles

and then I just fucking come in and just kick the hole in the door for you and just stuff me in and there you go and there we went and fucking

nobody was drinking it late in life we went I wasn't even on the bill and I just went back because I just fucking knew it would be a bit of a hangout wasn't even on the bill I just went back because I knew it would be a bit of a hangout that was a right off man

I remember I basically asked to leave and then I was like oh no I've fucked that and they'd always thought I'd kind of fucked it with them but then they

looked me to play it last day I was like did you not start filling your pockets with booze because it was like it's a free bar backstage

at the late in life but it's like that's the sort of stuff that'll stop being a free bar. Of course, come along and start filling that pocket. I was six months in just like, just seeing pound signs. I got a couple of weeks into the fringe. I was like, I'm rooked here and there. It's just fucking, I bought a gold at the end of the day.

Every time you're having a drink, you're like, that's seven pun, do instead. I was taking my feet. In a plastic cup. Plastic cup, that's seven pun. I'm getting in here. So you were fucking filled your pockets. A lot of people were asking us about that the next day. Did he bring some

fucking junkie off the street to read the late live bar? I'd say aye, but I think say aye. But remember that I was peering forward because that was me at some point. So we did that. And then I just fucking released you

back into the wild again. And it was like a couple of weeks later. In fact, you know what? It was definitely a couple of weeks later because it was the beginning of September. I was booking the comedy tent at Linda's Fawn Festival, which is a class little festival

up in Northumberland just on the coast and it's like you definitely even need your phone because if you lose your mates you'll find the cons you stumble into your pals don't you

and em I had a spot still to fill on that and I was like oh fuck it I'll just like I'll just give her a jacket full fee

and I I was like I fucking I'm like I'm sure like at the time you weren't doing that many gigs for money

I think and then I rang you with a three figure gig aye I think the most I'd had for a gig before that was like 20, 30 quid

aye and then you had offered me that I was mid I was in work I was power washing like blocks on the ground

and then my phone goes and I seen it was you and just turned it off looked at the text and then just went and handed the power wash and I seen it was you and just turned it off looked at the text and then just went and handed the power box and I was like mate I'm going

I am aware because I think you were like it was something like I offered you the gig and you were like I had to quit my job and then it was like two minutes later

I've quit my job you fucking because you were scheduled in for the weekend I've seen the money it was free figures I was like that's me man

I was phoning my mum we've made it and all that I told you I'm having to buy red panties it's red panty night ma'am how much is left in the mortgage and then I come to pick you up for the festival and just fucking

instantly introduce you to my fucking most reprobate jolly mate, Sopper Sopper Sopper who's probably fucking listening to you right now say hi Sopper

wave to your friend Sopper he'll be so we could say stuff like that no no no no no fucking thinks he's

Snoop Dogg but he's a little bit scared of a fucking ratamood he was on cigarettes he was smoking extra long skins cigarettes

erm so I stopped what was there with Ali's fucking squaddy mates aye that was and I just fucking chucked you in

just going yeah this is where you're camping with these guys you just let me go like a babe blade you just I wish off and we had a belt

I tell you what a fucking weekend Nelson was there and Ali come up for a brief visit I on a fucking weekend Nelson was there in an alley come up for a brief visit I remember I would just

I was like I would be drunk and then we'd just turn round to you like halfway through the festival and be like mate we're like dancing

and be like mate are we getting paid for this I couldn't believe it I'm at work is this work because you never had an opportunity to call at work yet

because you were spending more on train tickets than you were getting on the ferry I'd never had to write an invoice or anything before. I was like, this is professional stuff. It's like a cafe needle. I'm a writer.

I'm a writer. I've got to give you alarm guns off at six in the morning because I've got to start writing. Hey, I did that, you know, when I first went full time. I would fucking set up shop like I was doing a nine to five because I just felt like I had to be fucking doing something. I was like, if this is a job, I have to do it. I had this blog that I did every day where it was called news for dummies

yeah it might still exist i don't i don't that'll be good for podcast material if you could sit and go through that man man it's probably problematic like i'm talking like 2011 here it wasn't jack it was a different time back then it was a fucking fucking different time. And I know how much my worldview has changed my opinions on shit now. We definitely need to find him then. If someone hit him, we've got to find him. Oh, it exists.

I don't think... Yeah. Someone find it. I don't think... I kept it as news for dummies for a bit. And then it stopped being about news and I've done a couple of blogs because I think in 2014

I posted on the book that I've got, The Inside Daniel Sloss, to our journal, right? That wasn't a book. I've got the Inside Daniel Sloss to our journal right that wasn't a book I put that together as a book in lockdown it was a blog

I just put it as a sequence of blogs and in lockdown I was like we don't know if we're getting paid anytime soon try and fucking just sell your work

I hadn't started at that point but I had a few like comedians on Instagram and stuff like that there was folk doing it man like Twitch streaming Bait and Bread

cameos lemonade stands they were a fucking I was fucking knitting mate I was knitting online and fucking

auctioning off me knitting you have an Etsy store I had an Etsy store in fact you know what I

still do because that's where I sell like because I had that open that's where I had me the book selling

from Etsy so I had the book selling from Etsy I did for a bit but like it's fucking pointless because

like I ended up just giving them away I would knit them on stream and then just fucking like do a draw to anyone that subscribed

I draw them out the hat and I send them the knitwear so the subscribers because they're like paying for a fee anyway to watch the stream even though

it's a free stream it's optionally donating so I was like fuck man I'm selling this knit and like they're paying for it anyway but I kind of give

everybody one so I'll just auction it to one of them so I just did it that way so I was like fuck man I'm selling this they're paying for it anyway but I kind of give everybody one so I'll just auction it to one of them so I just did it that way and I did like auction off like little bits of fucking just like swatches

with a badge on it so you're not like buying a badge but it was on a swatch of knitting because that was the only thing I could rat loot quick to sell so like I had them on for like a couple of quid

and then I had my books on because everyone was just trying to find a way to just make an extra bit of fucking coin not knowing when you could gig again I think I played a blinder doing that because I always wanted to

start comedy and then for some reason just never worked up the courage and then Covid happened and as soon as we came out of that I was like nah it's fucking I've got to start now but I don't know you hear some people talk about the comedy world like pre-Covid and it just sounds like the wild west especially up in Scotland.

Part of me is, like, kind of gutted I missed some of the mad, like, cult gigs, like, doing our Jonglers or stuff like that. Ah, yeah, I had that. That was a rite of passage for a bit. It was like, like, that's what Danny got slated a little bit off his peers for just fucking bypassing it.

He didn't work his way through the Jonglers gig. He might have done, like, one or two, but he never needed it he instantly got back into his road show and just had that thing of like didn't even work up

to the headlining clubs was just touring off his own name before that so he bypassed the junglers shit but I was like fucking that's why

I was forged in fire in them gigs it's nice because anytime a gig goes a little bit hostile or hands a little bit leery I'm like I was forged in fire in them gigs yeah put it in your chest aye like it's nice because like you know any time a gig goes a little bit hostile now or like

and it's a little bit leery I'm like I've got the tools in the van for this aye I never use them that often

it's probably what I could compare well having not done one the closest thing I could compare sounds like doing a gig in prison because I

I remember like when you start out you're just doing anything for stage time you'll like host a bingo evening in a retirement home, you'll do anything I always recommend that as well, man, gig to the guy at the Allenhead Garage if you listen to it, day 25

100%, we got a run of prison gigs and it was like, we were all doing fives and we're getting a run at like 20 minutes here, and it's not as if you die on your arse or like you do bad material what are they going to do, tweet about it? I use that one phone call

exactly phone chottle pulling a phone out of his arse till being like three stars do you know what I mean, no chance but you would go in and you would have to just like, you would have to be like on your toes and stuff like that do you crowd work with them?

since I've got more comfortable in Do you crowd work with them? You need to, since I've got more comfortable and stuff, you do. Do you dare ask? Do you dare ask that question that could cause a lot of problems? Selling a Rangers? No, I'm not that brave. I'm not that. There's some folk that sit like, the thing that

blew my mind was the perception I had, I was going to be like, right, they'll be in the orange jumpsuits and all that, or like they'll be in like the same sort of trackies. I walked in, first prison gig I done, guy in a Newcastle top. Oh yeah of course aye, what's he doing up in Glasgow, drug run? A hundred's got it going. But aye it's fucking, just doing them I think is probably the closest you can get to a Jonglers. I asked one guy what he he'd done like I was like alright mate what did you do and he just very sheepishly was like police assault

and it's hard being like well mate it's terrible ah yeah you should change reform shouldn't be doing that

get in get in the record so like what size gigs were tacking then like how many how many then

so it just all depends like if you go to one of the bigger ones like some some like Berlini we've done Berlini during the Glasgow Comedy Festival which is the big one in Glasgow

em and there's they've got like an old sort of old style building and we've done one in their theatre and I think there's maybe about over a hundred people

oh that's good yeah because I don't know why but I just thought it would be like I don't know like take two dozen you didn't want enough of them to cause a riot like you want like a

kettleable amount like a manageable amount that you could just even if there's not that many there's like weirdly I'll always get the interest of thought I just go and like you could all just leave if you wanted to aye there's only like three doors

aye I've only seen like six guards is it is it is it not like off prison break where fucking lay as a fucking

security you get through and you fucking tattoos all over your body to make it out you're just like you can go out there if you want

but you're in loads of trouble if you do you're fucked if you do that you probably wouldn't even shawshank it if you don't dig out you could just walk out aye if you do you're fucked if you do that you probably wouldn't even shawshank it if you don't dig out you could just walk out

aye if they all just decided look we're leaving you'd be fucking tempted if it was easy like I know to just go I think it's Germany

you don't it's not illegal to try and escape prison you don't get any more charge or anything like that because it's like natural you just want to be free there's

there's I've also just pulled that out my arse i'm like 85% of germans this is what the podcast is this is

just us fucking bullshit and we're confident um there's a uh twitter account instagram account that does uh swedish

swedish prison or british student accommodation and it's fucking impossible to tell the difference. I've seen some of them they look better than some of the places you stay starting out in comedy going to do gigs and stuff like that.

Hey did he not study in China? Aye aye. Because I mean you tell us this when we're on drugs. Aye. But I think I've remembered that you went to it on like a foreign exchange? It was, aye so I was in school. You went to it on a foreign exchange? It was... Aye, so I was in school. I went on a scholarship programme,

so cheers for that, taxpayers. Oh, there we go. Don't think you'll get that one back, I'm not going to lie. No, it's not going to benefit society. Smoking and drinking, I probably paid it back. Ah, yeah. But aye, so I didn't really know what I was doing at school at the time. I tried to leave to become an electrician and ended up in China.

Life of hands is stuff like that sometimes. Any opportunity comes up. Was it one of them things where you're like, I don't really want to do it, but I can't not? Yeah, they handed out the form and they were like, look, we'll fly you over. You go to the classes. You get a lump sum of money every month to be there.

I was like, fuck it. So it was like a scam. You end up fucking packing toys for happy meals i know i in a sheen factory like full nanoracks and all that um not the like i'd like i took a bunch of piss take subjects going into my last year at school because i fully intended to just leave so i think i had home economics oh why what do you think of home economics because that's the like is that food is that food

that's the new that was your generation's way of calling it food technology just to get more lads to date but they would

also you would also do it was kind of it was kind of kind of weird looking back now I don't know even this wasn't

even that long ago but it was like home economics and it was like cooking and knitting and all that sort of shit like you would just

sit there like a wee sweetie wife like try to pretend to your pals you weren't enjoying it so it was like a trad housewife class I loved it

it was class didn't you could you say a trad housewife in a catholic school as well just stitching things and then they're like

don't use condoms class mate I had one year in a catholic school I moved schools because fucking I got me bully battered I'm sure I've told this story on the podcast schools because fucking, I got me bully battered.

I'm sure I've told this story on the podcast, so I'll bridge it. Me bully got battered off somebody from up at six. I've heard that. So the year after, you met the lad that chinned me bully? I told you. He was at Linda's phone.

I lit up because I was like, you chinned me bully, Mala Brown. Ah, you remember that? Ah, yeah. You've seen the lad that did it. So he chinned me bully, Mala Brown. Ah, you remember that? Ah, yeah, you've seen the lad that did it. So he chinned the bully. He still hangs about you, doesn't he?

You employ him as your security all through those days. You fucking hard-cunt him as well. Like, big lad and all, but also like martial arts, but big and equipped. And he fucking kicked this lad out of our... and Andrew Winters was the lad he chinned. I remember standing over fucking Andrew Winters like fucking Smokey on Friday, like, you got knocked the fuck out.

Like Paul Heyman in Brock Lesnar. And I was fucking billy walking around school for the next fucking next year. And then it was the year after. I was like, fuck. Malaz gonna be gone gone but when us is still gonna be here i'm fucked and i played football for a team where a bunch of my mates from the football team were at saint benedictus cups i was like i've got pals there i could just go there

and i went to a catholic school man gone from gone from ridley high school where like if it was in america i would have had metal detectors to like a catholic school Where like people say grace Before the lessons And all that Before It's fucking bananas Like That was I felt like I couldn't swear

In that school Aye I was like I have to change my personality Completely Some of the Aye Because they would get you

To do a lot of the Jesus stuff I remember they would make you pray After lunch And I sort of checked out With the whole Catholicism thing Because You would thank God And you were like why

Eileen the dinner lady made it out of the fucking bank number because they just struggle with that concept as a wee boy and this is kind of so noncy coming from a 41 year old but the lasses were hotter what you've got to bear in mind is I was their age at the time

I was their age at the time Jack but the Catholic everybody find that and come up with your own blog post and this is it Catholic school girls

are hot having nerdy teenagers I was just it was just I got expelled from that school what for?

I was one of the fucking nerdy kids in Ridley it was just a number of things that asked us to leave more than got expelled. It was a number of things about the straw that broke the camel's back as I started a food fight on the bus.

The bus to school I had. A food fight in a Catholic school? Were you just frisbee and holy bread? You know what? I wasn't even wasting food. I was fucking using another 19 pence hair gel that you get from the corner store, is what we always called it. That's what we always called it back then

we called it corner store gel right it would fucking scoop it out and just fucking lash it on people and then people

were just never getting that out of the end either yeah everything's just rock hard for fucking

and so people were just like rummaging through their bags for shit to throw back so like fucking Catholic school where's me

fucking fruit salad and fucking every cunt pointed the finger at me he started it and I got wheeled in for that

because I remember I remember all I had in my fucking pocket was my bus fare home and I fucking like I barely took a bag to school

I'm fucking I would just get in fucking I'm here I'm here I fucking has anyone got a pen like that's what I was like in school I was fucking go in I'm here that's enough has anyone got a pen that's what I was

like in school I'm always surprised man I was similar I would always I would have stuff and I'd be like here we go

starting the Monday by the Thursday it'd be fucking everything and by the end of class you've just got all these folded

up bits of paper in your pocket because you've got nowhere to put your fucking homework and sheets and all that

so I remember I had like my fucking bus and sheets and all that. So I remember, I remember I had like my fucking bus fare home and I just spent it on sweets and whacked. I walked back because it was like, it was in a different town

the way I moved schools. It was like fucking Bedlington instead of Blythe. Just imagine you like hiking home with the wee hobo, like the wee stick and the bandana.

Ah yeah, like my fucking two-hour post-op. Two-hour post- poster with a bindle I couldn't remember what that was called for the life of me gallivanting

no the bindle yeah I didn't I didn't know what that was called when I knocked it up when I made it I'd done one of me fucking moves

with a fucking like the like I did at the beginning with the cable there where I couldn't find me fucking phone for the life of us during that photo shoot

and I thought I'd lost it and I'd fucking just put everything that I had in the bindle so I was like I was looking for me cable there where i couldn't find my fucking phone for the life of us during that photo shoot and i thought i'd lost it and i'd fucking just put everything that i had in the bindle so i was like looking i was looking for my phone and i was fucking i'm trying to leave i'm like i don't know where my phone is and then i found it in the bindle and i was like and my car keys and my wallet and like fucking all my world literally my worldly belongings in a bindle and i fucking spent like fucking 10-15 minutes in the studio looking at the halibut from my phone before I opened that because I remember

fucking having a break at my parents and I'm like oh when they find out they're going to lose their benefits because I'm not in school Catholic school as well

you've got that extra like God banishing you as well yeah I got in trouble for fucking I didn't get into heaven now

that was mad being a non-Catholic in a Catholic school because I just had to watch mass from the sidelines because everyone had a bit of Jesus' body there was always that as well

I remember there was a Mormon in our class was there? blew my mind just an outsider just a different religion what's your God? what is their God?

their God's just like a fucking it's a rehashed Jesus isn't it? I've seen Book of Mormon so this is my... And I've been to Salt Lake City and walked around Mormon Mecca

because I had this thing, right, where Elliot Steele was going through a dry patch with girls and I went around all the different faiths of places and went and lit a candle and prayed for an Instagram story. So I was in Salt Lake City, I prayed to the Mormon God for Elliot to get laid and then I was in Rome and I went to the Vatican

I was in the Vatican like praying for Elliot Steele to get laid and just fucking done this fucking the mosque in Edinburgh and all that just this fucking tour de faith trying to get Elliot's dick wet stop a mountain in Tibet yeah

casting some fucking bones so so I have seen a little bit of the Mormon casting some fucking bones so it was so I have seen a little bit of the Mormon faith and it's just it does seem like it does seem a little bit too modern like they're like Scientology like they've just made something up

like it feels like they've made up a religion in the information age where you can disprove it immediately thanks so much like at least a lot of the big ones you know the top four Mation Age where you can disprove it immediately. Thanks so much. At least a lot of the big ones, the top four. Let's go on Judaism, Islam,

Christianity. Who's the Tottenham? Who's the Tottenham? Who's the Spurs? Butta, butta. They've got a rich enough history for you to just not question it and go, look at Gans. But look, before we started taking records,

you fucking formed this religion. But anybody like Scientology, now we can check that. That's on Google, that. No, but look at Sheffield is it Wednesday they started in the Prem and then went bust

so you never know like a not in forest so that could happen but with like aliens like if aliens came down I think a lot of their religions would go like fucking Gretna and shit like that

they'd be bust we're dazzling into the fact that we're seated here by aliens like he's reading some books by this author like I don't know if he's reading some books by this author that like I don't know if

he's just like an author in the same way that I am when I wrote that sequence of blogs compiled them into a book for the so yeah he keeps

like a quote of these books like it's the bible that's amazing it's all the Anunnaki stuff mate I'm into it as well

I'm gonna read it mate 100% it's like I'm always like who knows fuck knows I just think it would be. I'm going to read it, like. Oh, 100%. It's like, I'm always like, who knows? Fuck knows. I just think it would be cooler. Aye.

Do you know what I mean? And I'm trying to get him, like, I'm really interested in that line of inquiry. Like, man, if you're going to fucking lean into some belief system, fucking have a cool one. Aye, flat earth. I respect the flat earthers, because it's just so mental.

And there's just so much, like, there's just so much evidence pointing at it being wrong. I'm just like, nah. Nah, nah, listen. Listen and just like nah nah listen listen you've got a lot to learn you'd roll off if it was wrong you'd roll off so um so i was like trying to go oh like if you're interested in that line of inquiry like adrian traskovsky has got a fucking belt a trilogy called the children of time that like that is essentially just a um a thought experiment about that idea and then like there's the fucking if you want something a bit more light-hearted the fucking we are legion we are bob fucking saga is like a really good like um seed and intelligent

life and studying intelligent life from like a science perspective and all that. And he almost pushed it aside, like, no, I don't want fiction. I'm like, man. He's brilliant. It's all fiction. The Bible's fiction. You can believe it if you want. There'll be a mothership in the sky. One day you'll just get a phone call and they'll be like,

ah, I fucking told you. I'm like, I, I fucking told you. Yeah, hi. I'm like, hi, but Brock and Clark. But I mean, like, I think it's almost foolish to, and I don't want to be this podcast. I really don't want to be this podcast. I don't. It's foolish not to believe in aliens. Aye.

The fucking universe is so vast, it's foolish not to. So if you're going to go and buy something, that's the one where you're going and there's a fucking semblance of, like, I mean, like, there's no doubt that there's something out there. Aye. So if you're going to go and buy something, that's the one where you're going, there's a fucking semblance of like, I mean, like there's no doubt that there's something out there. So like at least with that. But when you're talking about like intrinsic gods

that are fucking everywhere, all saying omnipotent, I've got too much doubt on that. There's 100% doubt on that. I check out with the sort of like, there's politicians that are lizard people and all that. But I would love for nothing more

than that to be true like you just imagine Keir Starmer like addressing the press and then just like and he's got a big tongue he's a fucking space lizard yeah

I think fucking that I mean repeating old ground fucking Mark Zuckerberg is almost living proof that the lizard people are running shit like that

that cunt is a cyborg that cunt is like it reminds me I fucking, I went, I give blood two days a gan, but I had to sign up online and I had to fucking click the box that I wasn't a robot. Like if I was a robot,

I wouldn't be giving blood. Like, it'd be oil. Fucking aye, some fucking, some fucking cunt's getting an oil change. I'm fucking, I clicked on three bicycles and now I've just given some fucking flu,

what do you call it? brake fluid? oh man plenty of you know robots full of brake fluid sort of follow up right? you're confused with the tin man so

so yeah if he had a like you've got to have a religion new right? fucking pick a faith it doesn't have to be one of the existing ones what the fuck is going on?

What do you think is going on? If you had to pin yourself to it. If I had to pick one. What's going on right now? This? Being alive? What do I want to believe in? Being sentient within your body?

What the fuck is happening? I think we're just like an experiment in a Petri dish. Do you think so? I don't think it's... We're being watched? Maybe. We're being witnessed? I don't think so we're being watched maybe we're being witnessed I don't think it's

like Matrix like we're like two minutes and we feel like it's a simulation bro I had I had like an idea that

like it was you know when you die you're peeing in your grand ruptures and that's like fucking gives you like

it's the dream chemical just comes at you all at once it's like DMT shit so you know when people's life flashes in front of their eyes and shit like that when they die? Like that's just like the fucking DMT trip that you're having from when your pineal gland ruptures, right? And when I've had an experience on that from smoking it, I've always been like kind of like a time dilation where I felt like I've been there a lot longer, but it's only been five minutes of real time. And I think that when you have that trip when you die, you're locked into like a relative infinity because you're ordained

on that chemical so you're locked into that and even though it's like a fucking split second before the fucking doctor's checking your pulse and you need to tag them up put them in a bag right you've just had a relative infinity locked into your brain that compared to what your like perception of time is in your lifetime um and if you've lived and passed your own standards and passed your own judgment you're just gonna have yourself a nice trip ergo heaven and if you've been a cunt and you're living with guilt and jealousy and fucking like just a bunch of like like just negative emotions and you get that fucking chemical dump and it locks you into like all that fucking shit that you're dealing with in your head because you've been a bad person

you've stole you're fucking taking advantage and all that like that you're dealing with in your head because you've been a bad person you've stole, you've fucking taken advantage and all that, then you're living with yourself in a relative infinity and that's your hell, so I think I totally stand by like there's nothing like I don't think anything's so much put we're here, I don't think anything's much but I do think if you don't pass your own

judgement you're in for a fucking bad time when you trip your bollocks off you're gonna have a bad trip, that's how your your life ends you don't even need to go as far back to death like you'll know if you take any like psychedelics and anything like that if you're not in like a positive head space it's hell so it's probably just that on like on like steroids it's all set and setting and everything with hallucinogenics you've got to be in a good place for it so i think just find yourself in a good place you die and enjoy the ride is that not terrifying

but like imagine you have this big like you've just got to lock Anna on imagine you have this big DMT loop and it's just you

go to your work just anxiety dreams yeah got the two are coming up losing your teeth and falling through the veins and all that

it could be it might just be that I'm talking about passing your own judgement on the greater scheme of things it could just be that you're fucking anxious

about your parents coming out for Christmas it could just be that i'm tired about passing your own judgment on the greater scheme of things it could just be that you're fucking anxious about your parents coming out for christmas you could just be like fucking some something's up ahead where you're just like oh i hope everything goes smoothly then you're fucking stuck in an anxiety loop brain's mental man like like you get like it's just like when you take things like that like everyone can be taking the same thing but then just experiencing something completely different because they're in like different head spaces. Like, it's so interesting. There's,

they're doing a study now where they're like consistently like dripping, drip feeding people DMT and they're trying to like map it out. Yeah. Like the place where you go.

Where your brain, like the part of your brain that opens. Like I was talking to Dean Coughlin from, Coughlin from the Mail High Club. Hi, hi.

And he's got this theory that like the trip that you have on like acid's always there and when you take acid it just brings the filter down that makes your brain process things and make everything have order and look normal so you know like an example

he used was we were looking at a bit of carpet that was like squared carpets with stripes going different ways for each square but because it's got that optical illusion, it starts like shifting around and moving in the eyes. And if you look directly at it for like so long, it starts like wiggling around and shit. And you're like, that's always there.

But your brain just does a really good job of like fucking eyeing and everything out and making it palatable. So you're not like living in fucking wonderment and everything. That would explain like the visuals, but also how you like feel stuff as well. Like the oversense of euphoric. It might not just be with what you're not living in fucking wonderment and everything. That would explain the visuals, but also how you feel stuff as well, like the oversense of euphoric.

It might not just be with what you're seeing. Like you said, it might just constantly always be there and you just tap into it. Yeah, just getting the fucking... When you're playing a computer game, what you're seeing is the visual graphics of the computer game, but what's going on behind it is all that fucking coding and shit. You're basically just seeing all the fucking cordon.

Because it's like, well, everything's just energy, isn't it? If you put your hand on that table and it stops and it feels solid and your hand's not going anywhere, right? But if you zoomed into a micro level, there's a fucking nucleus of the atom, the electrons spanning around it, and the majority of that atom is mostly nothing. Like there's mostly nothing there.

And that is every single atom that's making up my hand. And that wood is mostly, like, it's 99.999% fuck all. It's just energy that's stopping me hand, pressing through that table and passing through. But there's enough mass that me hand should just pass through it quite easily. I started feeling the table there, like, I didn't believe you. It's not fucking there, mate. It's barely there.

It's fucking 0.0 recurring 1% there as far as matter is concerned and the rest of its energy. Is that that? I can't remember what it is, but it's like, it might be the same principle as like, if you just hit your hand off the table, like if you've done that like an infinite amount of times, eventually your hand would just go through it.

I actually fucking... Not like you're smashing me. Like a Shaolin monk. Like a Shaolin monk video. If I smash my hand off the table much more, Matthew, my producer, is going to send us an angry text. That's what's going to happen. Because rattling up the mic. Dave Longley had a

fucking really good bit. I don't know if he still does it anymore and I am going to butcher it. Just basically about that concept but the whole fucking punchline was about so he didn't actually touch the stripper I love a big convoluted payoff man there's some of my favourite

style of jokes like there's these sort of old pub jokes you get as well where it's just going on and on and on and then it's just so stupid they're the best then because like

them old pub jokes because you can make them as long as you like and like all it is is just about having that confidence to just sit in that pocket of silence They're the best then because like them old pub jokes, because you can make them as long as you like. And like all it is, is just about having that confidence to just sit in that pocket of silence while you're doing storytelling because you know the punchline's going to come and often the punchline's better the longer you leave it and the more you colour the story in.

I'd love to write one. Like imagine that being your comedy legacy, like just 20 years time, you just hear your joke getting told at a pub. Do you know, I used to, it's not the same because the punchlines hack right but when i started out when i was an open mic i used to end my set about like about i was uh i used when i would stay out my mom would call us in for like me baths ready or whatever and i never want to go in i always wanted to be the last one staying out so i hid from my parents and i made the story go on for as long

as I possibly could before it got out of time right because I'm just at the end of my set and I'm like this is going until the fucking light flashes

the ball's in the corner flag yeah the ball's in the corner flag and I would tell the story about like I can tell the panic in their voices they're shouting at us because they can't find us

on the street but I'm sat there curled up like I'm like not having a good time I'm not playing out anymore I'm busting for a piss now I want to go in but I can't show my face

because I'm being trolled they think you've been playing out anymore I'm busting for a piss I want to go in but I can't show my face because I'm being stolen by Terry ah yeah Peter Terry's got us and then the finders and the fucking bollockers and the kickers up the stairs and the fucking baths

cold when I get in and I'm grunted for a week and then I ended it with like imagine how much trouble Madeline McCann's going to be in and that was the punchline so the punchline

was just an open spot doing a Madeline McCann joke but the feed line was just me just so the punchline was just an open spot down in Madeline McCann joke but the feedline was just me just painting the picture of us fucking hiding from me parents while they're looking

for us on the street you should bring that back you could just shop out and change it I just wouldn't be in trouble now she's an adult and you haven't grown me I'm 21

you'd have a couple of weeks there for Jay Slater you could have knocked it out the park yeah fucking Jay Slater I wonder what knocked it out of the park yeah fucking Jay Slater I wonder what they've done with all that money

they raised a canny bit for him what did it come in at I was thinking about doing it pay for next year's fringe fucking hell you could have

saved Cian Musk Rose's life for that they wouldn't have raised it was like the boxing efforts they made it they made it nearly 100,000

didn't they it was ridiculous man and the mother went out and had a holiday It was like the box and their fats. They made nearly 100,000, didn't they? Ah, yeah, can you? It was ridiculous, man. And the mother went out and had a holiday. Oh, yeah. Is he all right? No, he died. You daft cunt.

You daft cunt. It's honestly my favourite thing to do is fucking hear about someone's traumatic death and then fucking ask if they're all right. Is he all right? Is he all right, then? I fucking do it all the time. I rarely land one.

I rarely land one. I'm glad we're all recording there. You need me hook, line and sink, aren't you? That mix-up for us not plugging the mic in. Oh, yeah, mate, I definitely want to get back to, there's some loose ends we need to tie up. I definitely want to get back to you travelling through China just because the opportunity arose.

Aye, so I I was, it sounds mental but the only reason I picked to study Mandarin and the only reason I ended up living in China for a year is because they told us that if we took the subject they would take us to China Buffet King for free so I was like, oh my mate

You're going to get pretty scrapped if you get out of a different continent for two years you're going to get a bite to eat if you can't have a different continent for two years. You're going to get a bite to eat. No, so I never even... I only signed up because I thought they were taking us to the one in Glasgow. So I thought they were just taking us to a school trip. Like, oh, we'll go to China Buffy King

and then we'll come back. Because it got so much funding for the Chinese government and stuff like that. Let's get this straight. You thought you were signing up for a dinner? So the only reason I signed up was because I was trying to get the dinner. Right. You were signing up for a dinner so the only reason I signed up was because I was trying to get the dinner

right and then I ended up you were going to get the dinner then tie them aye and I ended up doing the class

and then I was like this is a piss take I'll just stick with it and plus I'm getting my dinner they eventually never even took us to China

you didn't even get your food but they just gave us out these forms like look we've got a scholarship program my cousin was a teacher at the time

so I got her to do the form for me well shit if it's fraud now but fuck it got her to do the form and then i got the interview and just went in and was sort of talking shite and stuff so did you go over to learn mandarin that was the course that you took and did any of it stick none at all none you couldn't even do some basic like uh lpc and kind of shit like the thing is like i've tried to do on stage as well but anytime i speak with someone that looks like me, he speaks Mandarin on stage,

especially in, like, comedy clubs in Scotland, they're just like, he's just making racist noises. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when you slip the word Starbucks in there. Yeah, what glass-weaving audience are going to go, wait a minute, that was Cantonese, that was the Mandarin, like, they've got no chance. So you look like you're one...

Even if you spoke fluent Mandarin it would look like you were one step away from doing the I's because it's a tonal language you have to do an accent yeah like it's

because it's like ha ha ha yeah ha ha ha so like jaw and jaw jaw it's like one's nine

and one's alcohol oh really jaw I've not I've not done it in ages but it was a I went over there and then studied for a year and then I was at it's the only time I'd ever been to university Oh, really? Do you know? I've not done it in ages, but it was a... I went over there

and then studied for a year and then I was at... It's the only time I'd ever been to university. We were initially in a college and then we got chucked out the college because the college

got caught embezzling funds for the Vietnamese government. Oh, really? So they got... So you were fucking... They were sports washing. They were doing some sports washing. Sports washing to me.

They were like, I will just get a bunch of Scottish kids out of here. They went on that aye we'll just get a bunch of Scottish kids our we'll give them a lump sum of money in a country where it's like 40 pence for a deck

of snow and just like fucking 50p a beer it was carnage I was 18 I had no like get us to

cut this if you didn't want to talk about it but what are you dealing out there as well I was selling a wee bit of weed like just to

like because you could either you had to do like a job like you could tutor you could like you had to do a job just to show you could work

so I just started a network of crime I would have traded opium if I could like the old days man but like you had to do something a lot of people

done tutoring I tried that and I'd be sitting I'd be like I can't A's for Apple and all that I was like I'm gonna fuck doing this I'll risk the death penalty I'd be sitting and I'd be like I can't A's for Apple and all that I was like

I'm gonna fuck doing this I'll risk the death penalty I can't sit and fucking so instead of teaching English because like if anybody's like if we're American listeners we've got a lot of European listeners

as well there's some people in India who like there's people listening in a second language as well like if you've got this far oh god like my accent

is normally bad enough but like Danny's Scottish accent is like you can tell he was born in England aye and then we had Roscoe on which is like Oh, God. Like, my accent is normally bad enough. But, like, Danny's Scottish accent is, like, you can tell he was born in England. Aye. And then we had Roscoe on, which is, like, fucking, that is, like, you're doing your degree there

with listening to Roscoe. You're, like, the master's degree. PhD. PhD, aye. You're, like, the fucking higher learning fucking Scottish accent. Aye. I've actually, I've been conscious of clearing that up.

Like, see if I go to Edinburgh, I sound, like, gigs there sound completely different. You start going, eh? Yeah, yes. Do you know what I mean? I've actually I've been conscious of clearing that up like see if I go to Edinburgh I sound like gigs out there I sound completely different you start going eh yeah yes do you know what I mean

it's like fuck no it's so much different I struggle to find the balance where I listen to I've got a I've got a special you'll be able to hear it

I've got a special on my website from 2017 and I can tell then that's when I was having the English lessons was around about that time. Like 2016, 17.

You sound like Oliver. I was just over enunciating. I hadn't... Pedophile Terry. Exactly. I wasn't... I was pulling back too far. Like where...

You can lose I bet you're fucking mojoed in. I was listening back and going I sound posh back to a sound posh like a sound posh in this fucking special I recorded in

Morpeth which is like the posh end of Northumberland if I'm going to be honest I got off at a train station is it? yeah

that's what I always laugh there when there's fucking Chavas because we call Chavs Chavas when there's Chavas in Morpeth

I'm like no you're not but you're both a stolen valour both your parents are working you had a decent amount of pocket money as a kid you're not but you're both a stolen valour both your parents are working you've had a decent amount of pocket money

as a kid you're fighting back none of your tracksuits had holes in them fuck off any hot rocks in your trackies I feel like

to be a chav you've got to have a little bit of struggle behind you otherwise you're culturally appropriate but yeah

I've done that especially in Watworth which is a nice little fucking retirement village compared to Blythe and I did I listened back but yeah I done that special in Wartworth which is a nice little fucking retirement village compared to Blythe right and I did like I listened back to it and went oh I don't like sounding like that

that's not me I'm not listening to me there that's me. It's alright if you got a wee BBC Radio 4 breakfast number or something like that but for the special you've got to fucking. That's funny listening to Kay Caird on the BBC Football Daily because he sounds totally different or he sounds like when he's doing stand-up. I've not heard it, but he's good, man.

He's brilliant. I've heard him on a few podcasts. It's almost like he's doing a really good impression of a podcast host, and that's exactly what he has to do. But when I heard him on stage, I thought he was a lot rougher than that because he had a bit of a persona accent where he was a lot rougher than that right because he had the he had like a bit of a persona accent where he was a little bit more like fucking street of London

and then I was just like man he's just fucking hard pivoted and like well spoken but I felt like oh mate I'd do the same thing see for the

see for the fee I'd be like fucking Downton Abbey man no bother fucking too right yeah because I was recording because I was in me

fucking home turf and I can talk how I want at them gigs and I got like I really just fucking go back to me the way I do speak. But because I was recording it, I was thinking about the people that were listening overseas and stuff.

Because I've got a different delivery style when I'm gigging in Europe than when I'm gigging in the UK. Is it just like, what's the main difference? The difference is, I'll finish my words, I'll say, instead of give is, I'd say give me. Right. Instead of I'm gone, I'm going.

So it would be like this. Going in Europe, going in London, gone in Newcastle. Right. So there's like the three versions of one word. Going, going, in London, gan, in Newcastle. Right. So there's like the three versions of one word. Going, going, gan. Yeah,

uh-huh. And then when you get to Scotland, it's just gan, gan, gan. And if you get any of them wrong, it's off key. If I say gan in Europe,

they don't know what I've just said. If I say going in Newcastle, they're like, who the fuck is this cunt? I've never been fine, because that's just the wee nuances, like you don't even think about. Yeah., they're like, who the fuck is this cunt? I've never been vi, because that's just the wee nuances you don't even think about. Yeah. So it's like, being

like us and having real regional dialects, it's something that you have to really fucking work on to have any reach in this job. Because we're working in communication. Aye. We're in the communication game. I communicate my thoughts into words to a crowd And like

And you have to You have to do it well On the flip side though I feel like I feel like Doing these roast battles I've been getting away with murder For some of these like

Some like bog standard lines That I think Because they're American And hearing it And like an aggressive Shouty Scottish accent They're like Aye

It works both ways Do you know what I mean It's very different from a set You would never want to lose it even when I was trying to complete my words to be understood I still wanted to have the jolly through line I feel like now

16 years on I'm getting closer to that point of being understood and being myself but I think that's also the way things are going it's becoming a lot less London centric with stuff going online and stuff like that and less reliable on the old

media where they would only go for like sort of one avenue where everyone is sort of from the same place, well spoken kind of thing, it's because anybody can just like whack a camera up and start talking shite in front of it now like it's opened, it's opened up doors for people maybe would have just, oh I don't understand

that guy I'm going to turn it off but like will tune in and listen to it if they haven't like or they've seen their clips before

yeah the Northern Irish accent is one of the one of the worst sorry if there's any Northern Irish people there which there will be I feel comfortable

saying that as well because like where I'm from is terrible as well but the Northern Irish comedy scene is absolutely fucking booming and they've got eyes for like all over the world on them as well and they where I'm from is terrible as well but the Northern Irish comedy scene is absolutely fucking booming and they've

got eyes for like all over the world on them as well and they're still going up there funny fuckers as well man I love all them comics like they're fucking class. Aye it's meant like I always like being nosy and like googling the venues that they're doing because they'll just post like a hi I'm

here next week and it'll just be like two dates and you're like oh and you go on it's ablown fucking like arena uh yeah they're fucking massive and they're really funny fuck as for like you know having a pint at the fringe like in an artist bar and all that well like you know you'll have you'll have that little fucking undertone of fucking networking and fucking suits and all that going on and then you'll just have this fucking corner of really fucking funny northern irish lads and i'll just fucking go and pull up and then he'll just have this fucking corner of really fucking funny Northern Irish lads and they'll just fucking go and pull up

a seat there and just have the best laugh with everyone Mickey Bartlett's done this podcast a couple of times as well he's one of the funniest

fuckers alive that man William Thompson's oh he's funny Paddy McDonnell I've seen him in Glasgow as well seen Paddy McDonnell in Glasgow

Aaron McCann as well what a funny cunt he is he's great man there's so many Colin that's where do you not start I've just remembered something about Aaron McCann

I want to try and get this fucking story right because it was one of them where he was because he was just being a punter with his mate Spank

remember Spank you love it what was Spank if anybody said Spank on stage the whole? No. You love it. What was Spank? If anybody said Spank on stage, the whole audience shout, you love it. And the title was called,

it was a late night party gig at the Fringe where like James Loveridge and Abba Goliath, it's been like alternating hosts over the years, but like there's been some kind of residency hosts over the years as well. And basically everybody gets up at the beginning, they get everybody on their fucking, off their the player jump around get everyone fucking jumping get them doing a couple of shots on stage and just start the show like that like a fucking big party we're having it and um i was co-hosting it as a guest guest host and aaron mccann was in the in the

front row as a punter with his mates he just come to the fringe he was like this is a belt i show come there and it was something like the lines of a fucking act had dropped out and i was i was going aaron do you want to do the gig but like should we do it like i'll just get chatting there and ask you to give it a go like like i pulled him with the crowd as like a punter that had never done stand up comedy before and he'd come on and he played it genius because like he played it

like that kind of giddy ass shouldn't be here like he fucking he knew his job he knew what he had to do he knew he couldn't come on

and just fucking be like sharp as fuck he knew he had to come on and look a little bit bashful you know and just be like and then get like

a bit of fucking a head of steam and then like go, oh I could talk about this and he fucking like, as if he's just clutching stuff out of the air and man, the kid fucking smashed it He's bad now, he didn't even know I was a comedian, I just got talking to him man

found out he was doing like a a work in progress at Monkey Barrel and stuff just get the beers in and stuff, that is You know the first time I met him, I was doing this kind of tour of Ireland, but it wasn't me tour. It was just a tour of club gigs. And this just comedy adjacent comedy fan had put it on,

just went, oh, I'll hook you up with all these clubs. This was back in 2014, I think it was. And he was like, I'll just try and find you places to stay in each spot. And then he was like, oh, this young comedian you places to stay in each spot and then he was like oh this young comedian Aaron McCann said he'd put you up so he come to the gig I met him that night where I had a couple of drinks and I went back and he lived in student accommodation where the middle like common ground is like a couch and a tv in a kitchen and then there's doors coming

off it into people's bedrooms and he was on one of the doors and i was on that couch and he gives a blanket and put us on that couch right and i woke up to hearing somebody going there's a man asleep on the couch did you kid don't you still be asleep does anyone know that max is like people in their like late teens early 20s and i would have been like i would have probably been just in my thirties at the time. Someone's dad's fell asleep. Hi, this isn't the same. One of the lecturers has fell asleep. Oh, man.

Did you hear him look at the boiler? He's fell asleep. He's fell asleep looking at the boiler. He's fell asleep. He's fell asleep looking at the boiler. He's got his breath today. His wife's been ringing him. His phone's got 67 missed calls. Oh, man. Fucking funny, that.

The next day, he was like, I've got to take you to this restaurant. And we went to a crisp sandwich shop. There was a fucking pop-up. I think they were doing it to take the piss out of... and we went to a crisp sandwich shop. There was a fucking pop-up. I think they were doing it to take the piss out of... You know, that would have been the start of the hipster revolution. Oh, like the places in London that would serve a fucking gravy at a whaley bit and charge you like 40 quid.

Make you eat of a dog dish. It was the fucking... It was the wave. I think it was ironic. I think they put it in as an ironic fucking gesture towards that because it was only like a pop-up thing that stayed there for a little while but you'd go in and you can't just get fucking monster munch on white bread or whatever and they fucking charge it two quid flatten it with a hand and he was just fucking howling at the concept nobody's like i've got to take you to this place we're in fucking out of chris butty in the middle of belfast

i was fucking mental i weirdly think that would make it, seeing the right area opened at the right time, that would make a killing. Aye. Just somewhere that's... Just like just after work, but just before you go on a night out. See if it was just in that wee window

that they were cleaning up. Between meals. Yeah. Aye, fucking filling up at 11 o'clock. There's something to snack on before you. Aye, so fucking that's the Belfast lads I don't have Belfast on the tour

that's a gross oversight I didn't do that I'm going to Dublin and it's mad because people pop up when you put a tour on I put an announcement yesterday with all the tour dates and people were like come to Limerick and all that and I'm like I'd actually fucking love to do that

I want to just like focus on a place and how about we'll do like a little tour of this gaff and go around doing that but at the minute this is going to be

a bit broader where I'm a little bit like fucking capital cities and places that are like have already got like a known audience Is there anywhere

you've not played yet that you're looking forward to? I'm doing another part of Slovenia because we've done Ljubljana a bunch of times I think you told me that was unreal when you've done that absolutely class but like we put a

we had a bit of a sabbatical from Dana because I fucking chinned this, I batted a Russian bloke in a hostel and I felt like I was in trouble there, I felt like I was wanted for a little bit, it was just the Russians, they would have came after you they would have just rubbed something on the door and you'd have had to take a piece of it

it was out of hand it was we had a lock in at a hostel that used to be like an old jail so it was a little bit like you could go down

into the dungeons it's quite on the nose and it's a it's in like a place called Metlakova which is like a like a kind of child's park play area

that's just been graffitied and taken out by adults who drink out of fucking bag of cans. And it's just a drinking area and the houses around it just turn that living room into somewhere they'll sell cheap wine. So the people that are touristy

and hanging out in the spots, it's just like hanging out with your mates in the park, but every cunt's doing it. I thought you were telling me you were doing a gig there? No. This is just a belter part of the world that me and sloss discovered when we're traveling in uh in libyana and we always tend to go there and just fucking go and

get some fucking who's who's wine get some house wine and fucking go and drink it in the park when there's always just americans there and we ended up in a lock-in in this hostel playing pool and the the bar manager went out to have a smoke and this fucking russian guy ghosted in and started helping himself from the bar and the only people that a smoke and this fucking Russian guy ghosted in and started helping himself from the bar and the only people that were in the building drinking

was me and Daniel and people who were staying there yeah so it wasn't open to the public and they just had this fucking guy in and Danny was like fucking outside

having a smoke and the bar manager was like I don't know what to do the fucking he's coming he's taking the booze like a fucking

like he was like trembling having his fucking cigarette the bar manager and Danny was like hey you just fucking cigarette, the bar manager. And Danny was like, hey, you just asked him to leave. I'll go and have a word with him. And Danny just went booing in, asked him to leave.

And this fucking guy just fucking like made a big line to close the gap with Danny and I just fucking killed him there and then just fucking smashed him in the face, put him down on the floor. And then it was like, we should probably go now. Just stepped over his body and left. We went to the fucking hotel. Well, pick up was, six in the morning,

but, like, every car that came by the hotel, we were fucking looking out the window. We didn't get in bed. We're twitching the blinds in the hotel. God, this fucking guy's not... Like, you come in, like, you had fucking swagger, like, just help yourself to the bar. And I fucking just left him on the floor.

You hope he's past and he doesn't remember it. We went a little while we went a little while before going back to Ljubljana after that and then and then so I'm going there again

but I'm also going to do Maribor which is the other side so basically you know I went to watch England, Slovenia and Cologne during the Euros

and the fans were like MK Maribor I think it might be like a Ranger Celtic thing going on with them fans but they have to watch the national team together where it's like oh right so I think I think it might be like a Ranger Celtic thing going on with them fans, but they have to watch the national team together. Oh, right.

I think Maribor and Ljubljana. I'm not entirely sure of how, like, I don't know. I'm about to find out. But I'm going to go to the other side of Ljubljana. That's a territory that I've never done before. We've done that many territories. These are the kind of, when you can if there's anywhere you haven't been

it's always going to be somewhere fucking really niche I'd love to unlock South America and that would have to be Slosser's Tour like if he

if he can if he can fucking find the right promoters like we did in India to do South America that would be like us just fucking like taking a huge box

yeah that would be like us just fucking like taking a huge box. Yeah. That would be insane, man. Even like just the crowds there would be unreal. And then find care of the piss-ups after it as well, man.

I mean, it would also be a little bit dangerous now. Like, this is a little bit of a fucking concern there. A corporate for the cartel. Yeah, fucking. I don't know. Like, again,

it would have to be Sloss's tour, but I don't know if he's the stock for the job he may need someone a bit more fucking battle-hardened

and he'll be he'll be fucking classic he's got a fan base out there that's what we know already he's got a fan base does he get all those comments come to Brazil

yeah Argentina's a big one Argentina's a big one for coming to Argentina is there a big English speaking scene or do you know don't know

don't know that's like because that's like fucking a lot of the time we've like tapped new markets when we're not sure until we've gone

a lot of the time like especially in Europe like Dylan Moran and that had gotten there first and done like Jimmy Carr and Eddie Izzard there was like

like you could count on one hand of comics that would like have been to some of these territories, but some of them have been like fucking first ones over there. Like,

like just finding out what it's like there. A lot of places. It'd be cool to just do somewhere like Mongolia. Aye, yeah. Somewhere completely mental.

There was actually when we're doing the gigs in Hungary, the promoter, I was talking about like, thanks. Mate, this Ouija's bored.

One day, the gigs in Hungary, and the promoter, I was like, I'd love to do like a documentary where I would go out and do gigs, like,

East. I'd love to go out East and do gigs. And I was like, I don't even know what's East to here. Is it like China? Is East of Hungary,

like, and now you've got Georgia, but then is it like Turkmenistan? Nah, that's a bit further, I think. What's out east from Hungary?

Is it no just... I think it's getting into like the middle ground between the Middle East and Europe. What's that? Like that... The Balkans, no? No,

because that's... I mean, I've travelled enough to know exactly the geography of this, but I still don't. I think the Balkans are just south and slightly west of Hungary. That's sort of shrugging while I'm saying it. So out east from Hungary, like I said, Georgia. And then I think it gets into like, let's look at a map.

That's everybody just do it. The podcast ends here anyway. Let's all end the podcast and go look at a map and see what's out east of Hollywood. Or an atlas. Go, a wee throwback, dig out an atlas. Get an old atlas out. Yeah, I know, I'm a flat earfer.

I'm a flat earfer. I can only read off a flat map. Otherwise, what's this fucking hocus pocus that you're digging here with this globe? Right, so have you got anything to plug? Get yourself to prison. Jail. I'm going gonna do a show

at the Glasgow International Comedy Festival in March I'm not sure where that's gonna be but Jack T Comedy on Instagram eh

I'll post about it there when I when I've got that great spot on so same at the comedy festival and eh you've got his social media handle

so go and follow Jack and enjoy him at his show thanks for having us on my man cheers mate thanks for coming