Sloss and Humphries On The Road - It’s Never Been Done Before

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

Muggins and Cream watch the Jubilee from Europe and see how ridiculous it all looks from the other side, they also attempt to cover the UK's leadership vote of confidence... but not before banging on about how much gear they tanned at the fringe back in the day. Game changing stuff. 

Good evening podcast listeners and viewers, I guess. Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road where what we've been up to for the past couple of days. We then get political for a bit. What did we talk about at the start? I didn't go to the fringe. Oh yeah, we just talk about how disgusting we used to be on the sesh during the fringe, now that we're both sort of past our best and mature enough to realise that what we probably did back then was dangerous, stupid and now with rose tinted glasses, a hell of a lot of fun and cooler than what anyone else did, the fucking losers. So, enjoy. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin',

livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckingin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? For anyone who is choosing to watch this podcast on the video, how do they do that? Is it just on YouTube? This is a public one, so it'll be on YouTube.

So this is just on YouTube? Yeah. Anyone watching on this, place your bets now if you're watching with a loved one for how far into this podcast I spill red wine on this brand new white shirt because i won't mean to do it i've never i've never in my life intentionally spilled something on my shirt or on my face despite how much can i act like i do it on purpose i hate that i hate that when

we last things i've done the thing that she's annoyed by to offend her. Like, oh, you've got something in your teeth. Like, as if I put it there. As if I put it there and smiled at her. Like, look at this bit of flaxseed in me teeth. I often think it's just this, especially for Natalie, and it's just this moment where you just go, oh, so this is who I'm with forever.

Like, you know, there's so many times where you go, oh, this is the one. I'm so lucky I get this person. And then there's the other moments where you're like, I guess I just have to live with this for the rest of time or until they die. Just live around it. Yeah.

You know, enjoy the other stuff. Like, there's so many moments where she's going, oh, and you think we've got a caricature of you. grounded yeah and i enjoy the other stuff like there's so many moments where she's gone on you think we've got a caricature of you like you knew i set the coffee machine away without a cup in i mean we don't have a caricature of you every our impression of you is based off all the evidence we have received from you in our collective 20 years of knowing you Way more Yeah Aye I've not

Aye But 23 years I'd say way more Aye You got Also I'm doing I'm doing most of the fucking heavy lifting And that

Aye I've known you for Three years longer than Natalie Is that it Three I met her in 2012 And you in 2009 That sounds believable

There you go Aye We are currently in Offenbach Doing a podcast 2009. That sounds believable. There you go. We are currently in Offenbach doing a podcast. Just say Frankfurt. Is it? No, it's not, but it's Frankfurt. Everyone who's coming to the show tonight will be from Frankfurt.

Nobody does as many podcasts as we do in different countries. We're changing the game. I don't even think any english-speaking comedians have done a podcast out often back before i mean i am i'm gonna be honest with you it's been real devastating to do uh seven sold out shows in europe when i could have done seven shows at the frog and bucket i just you know, my career's not... It's never been done before. There's a reason!

I've had eight wangs in one day before and I've never been done. I bet it has. I've done that this tour. I was going to say, I said that as a lie, thinking it was an exaggeration. I think the most I've had in one day is probably three. And it's like, the amount of times I've done that is an exaggeration. I think the most I've had in one day is probably three. And it's like, the amount of times I've done that is easily single figures. How do you,

the most you've worked in a day is three. And I've rarely done that. And like, I think the majority. We have nothing in common. You know what? I like to save it up a bit. For who?

For you? I just think it's a bit. For who? For you? I just think it's a better feeling when you've got more on the bank. You're just tossing yourself off all the time. It's just like... Yeah, that's what I'm doing for manager. But I quite like the... Like you're getting in a jacuzzi. Oh, here it comes. Oh, here come the drums

like you know when your pill kicks in it's exactly like that you know when your fucking pill kicks in you haven't had one for ages or your first one right

and it's like fucking banging from the minute it starts kicking in all the way but then like you know when you're in Benidorm and you're on your fifth

day in a row having pills and you're like why am I even doing this yeah but to me there's no matter you know i just want to get it out the way sometimes sometimes i have a wank to see if that's what was wrong with me sometimes i'll be like i'm a big fucking grumpy boy today i have a wank and i'm like oh no i'm not you know i'm absolutely fine i was just having a little i sometimes do it just so like I can just get on With me day

It is like They're just Like you're trying To do stuff And you're Like you get so much More done If you didn't have

A libido It's so hard To explain to Cara That so many times There is absolutely Nothing sexual About masturbating I'm just like

She's like Did you have a wank today I'm like I have a wank Every day Like I've Not all my loads Are for you It's not all good stuff Like just because I'm having a wank Doesn't mean I have The energy to fuck you I'm like I have a wank every day. Like I've got, not all my loads are for you. It's not all good stuff. Like just because I'm having a wank doesn't mean I have the energy to fuck

you. I'm just getting this out the way. I've been doing that Wim Hof cold shower thing. Oh aye. And I had done it the day and I was like quite vocal about it forgetting that we had an adjacent room to you and I just imagine you could just

hear me through the door going oh boy oh boy I was trying to be like quite comical

with the way I was using my heavy breaths and I was like if he's listening to that he's

like oh my god he's wanking a Disney plus he's got the cartoons on is that fucking that Wim Hof where he's He's wanking a Disney Plus He's got the cartoons on It's that fucking That Wim Hof Where he's

He's trying to teach you About He's like Oh it's you know You've got to do these Big Breaths I've done a bit of it before

And one thing I will say is The way he gets you to Fucking hyperventilate And then breathe out And genuinely be able to Hold your breath With empty lungs I think I got to

75 seconds once And I was like, oh my God, like, I'm impressed by me. But then the other thing is, like, and you can feel your body's natural high after all this. You're like, motherfucker, I've done knots. I know what you're doing. Like, this isn't me connecting to the ground

or connecting to spirits. You've just stopped a certain amount of blood flow and oxygen to my brain and i'm tripping balls i know we're wrong thank you that was class i enjoyed it but i didn't i didn't have to feel like a smack head with a fucking you know what is it that they use it's from foaming cream isn't it for making whipped cream i do you remember i mean that's that dangerous one the noscars i remember getting like slightly addicted to that not addicted in the sense that Do you not remember? I mean, that's a dangerous one, the NOS guys. I remember getting like slightly addicted to that.

Not addicted in the sense that like I would go out and buy all the time, but like whenever we were having house parties, you'd buy like three cases of the canisters and then everyone does a bunch through the night. And then the next day when everyone fucked off and left me to clean my own house, once I'd done it as a reward, you'd find like seven lying around under things that people have dropped and uh it's one of the ones which i

think it's really bad for addiction because i can hear people outside but i think it's real bad for addiction because it's one of those ones where when you're on it it feels so good and it feels like i always remember having this feeling of clarity, like while in this thing, like, oh my God, I've worked out the secrets. You had an epiphany. You have an epiphany. And then you come back to earth and you feel like the epiphany's gone and the only way to get it back is to dive back in.

Exactly. And you're like, I'm going to grab it this time. Oh, and it's so slippery. Yeah, and then you go in again and you have the same sort of thing. And I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure I don't remember because obviously it fucks off but I'm pretty sure

the epiphany every time is you're a drug addict and I come and I'm like oh my god I am and I'll just stop when I come

what was I just thinking again well I guess I'll have to find out what it was listen I don't think I've done balloons on my own before oh I have and it's yeah no it wasn't I was like this is I don't think I've done balloons on my own before. Oh, I have.

And it's, yeah, no, it wasn't. I was like, this is drug addict-y shit. And I had a friend of mine who will remain nameless who got legit, like, addicted to them. He was going through a bad part of his life. And he told me that he once did two boxes of, like, 24 canisters in a day just to himself. And I'm like, that might have done permanent damage. And he was like, maybe.

It's a dangerous thing that I think. Steve-O talks about it in his book as well. Speaking of which, we watched Jackass last night. Yeah. I love those boys, me leg. Man, I love Jackass so much. And look, whatever your criticisms of Jackass is, yes, I agree with you. and I'm still going to enjoy it

it's toxic masculinity used for entertainment they've channeled it well you know, there's worse ways Ryan Dunn was our Diana I keep saying this and I mean it 100% it was way sadder when Ryan Dunn died than Princess Diana

was he drunk and speeding and did he deserve it in that sense well, nobody deserves to die It was way sadder when Ryan Dunn died than Princess Diana. Call me away. Now, was he drunk and speeding and did he deserve it? In that sense, well, nobody deserves to die. Did you hear that Paul Gascoigne interview where he was talking, he's in his 50s day in the interview and he talks about, it must have been Italia 90 or something, right? And he's like, Diana come on the pitch and she shook all her hands and it's the first time I've ever had a player with a horn on.

That's only because he's been on coke the whole time. I've never done coke. Oh, no. I was going to say I've never done coke alone. But there was that time when my friends had an argument. Our friends. I'll not name them. And we ended up back at my gaff.

And I was so sick of that argument that I joined in. Oh, I know who we're talking about. I was so tired of listening to that argument that I'd like, I've just been sat quietly listening to it enough. And I was like, right, I'm going to tell you about a job in this argument and both of those. Also, if you're going to argue at my house and keep me awake, like allow me to be to judge judge judge Judy

judge Judy and judge executioner judge Dredd yeah so the argument was right it was she ran events

and he'd done coke at one of her events and she was like you're fucking doing coke at my event you're a fucking asshole mate he'd done it like discreetly in that

and I'd done it he wasn't doing it like on the table in the middle of the event I assume he had gone to the bathroom well in like a booth that was kind of

tucked away from everybody else and he'd kind of done it behind me back so in the bathroom would have been more obvious we kind of weighed up our options and she had coke as well

but she was like she obviously like she was sat at our table so she saw him do it it was bad right he shouldn't have done it she had a point yeah and she was just fucking like giving him hell the whole like just the fucking night spun out right and then in the house i just had this fucking penny drop that i had done the stand gig it'd be solo show and she was doing coke in the audience like a week ago

and I just stopped and just went, yeah man, what's your name you done coke at my work last week yeah but our but our job's not well anyway I'm here to tell you that

joining in on that argument Didn't go well for me Well I'm not shocked Nor surprised I can't imagine That would be my Idea of hell

Is Like if If I was with two friends Who were having an argument With each other And they were like What do you think And be like

Oh I can save you this Oh nobody asked Is what I thought Nobody asked Everyone at the party Was stunned That I just Joined in think and be like oh i can save you this oh nobody asked us what i thought nobody asked everyone at the party was stunned that i just joined in oh wait so they were yelling in like the corner of the room and you just did a line of coke and was like all right let me it was one of them like um atmosphere vacuum arguments that was just ongoing and there was about like eight were right so they're like a quarter of the contingent and you were like look i've heard

you both fuck and i know you both know how to fake orgasms can you fake civility for 20 minutes please yes so uh everyone ended up it just it dispersed people went home uh natalie and the girl went into my room when i was left. Matthew Canning. Fuck. You stupid, stupid, unbelievable cunt. 12 minutes. 12 minutes. Unbelievable. So he goes through as well.

And I was like, I'm just on my own at this New Year party now. Fucking put my other day on. On iPlayer yeah and I looked out at the table and everybody's cocos on the table and I was like

I'm gonna tan all of that if they wanna have that little pyjama party and leave me in the fucking wheelchair

yeah I'm gonna have my fucking gym party I'm gonna watch match of the day with blinking and I'm gonna have my fucking gym party I'm gonna watch match of the day with Blinken I'm telling you this I had me still a good time yeah

I had a good time I think that's the only time I've done coke alone I'll take weed alone all the time yeah no weed's a different fucking beast

I've done coke alone I think like during the fringes when we were disgraceful animals oh yeah like if you end of the sesh like when everyone else has gone to bed no no but i mean like i would like you'd wake up and you'd be so fucking hungover that you'd go drink like a pint of fucking fruit juice um just to get that you're like well i could drink water but if i drink orange juice i assume there's minerals or vitamins in get that you're like well I could drink water but if I drink orange juice I assume there's

minerals or vitamins in there that you know my body needs get that down you your stomach's full you can't really eat anymore you don't have the energy

and then you go back up because we had this fucking I mean my mum won't hate this episode of the podcast but let's be real we had a couple of

Edinburgh fringes where we knew a pretty big dealer. And he was basically just said to us, he was like, look, I need to sell a whole bunch of gear during the festival. You guys know everybody. Yeah. Can you just make the introductions and, you you know take us to the right places and we were like yeah alright and he was like for every 5 grams

I sell because you know just for people that you guys I'll give you a free gram and we were an arts festival and new comedians there would be days there would be days where that was more free coke

than we knew what to do with I mean we knew what to do with it and we did that man we used to like I remember because you were staying with us during the you were staying with me

during the fringe and like this was fucking back in the it was like 2015-ish wasn't it this was when I had this was the Garscoop house so this was just

party fucking central we were animals we came back we had like a friend stay with us and go talk to two of us for a

day and I ended up in the shed with him like having a spliff and keeping the party going and his nose just bust open out of

his shed he just tripped in and I was like oh my god that's who we are yep every day every day when i would leave for

the show because i would walk to the eicc which is about a mile and a half away but i was just like this is the only exercise i'm going to get during this festival i would always check my tiny little jeans pocket and i'd get the bag of coke out the residue from last night and i go no i'm not even going to tempt myself with it tonight I need a night off and I put it on the fucking shelf and walk out the door and walk to the ESCC you go on stage

you have a nice gig there is no coming down from that you can't just go straight home because if you go straight home you know you're just going to be it's not like doing coke but you're going to be up

for at least three fucking hours so you're like I'll go chill I'll go decompress with other people and then we'd walk into one of the artist bars and he'd come up and he'd go,

sold 10 today and then put two bags in your pocket. And you're just like, no, no, this is bad. We're like sharing it with our pals to try and thin it out. And then that was the festival where I hope we're not throwing too many people under the bus here. At the end of the festival, you, me, Gav, and Sir Nicholas Cody, back at ours, and at five in the morning,

Natalie and one of the other girls who I was seeing at the time went downstairs and we were like, we're just going to stay up and just play like a little bit more FIFA. Hold on, just for the mental picture they're drawing. Downstairs was the bedroom, upstairs was the living room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a subterranean house. My old house was basically the people who owned it converted their garage and their basement into a house. And I mean, it wasn't like a garage. it was like more like a conservatory type thing it was it was the annex of a mansion but it was a three bedroom yeah yeah but it was all two living room underground so and by the way when

this you you knew you'd fucked up during the fringe when when you see the when you see the sun in the sky and birds tweeting. The birds come out and you're like, oh, you guys again. You never sleep. Coming from me. The girls go downstairs and be like, we're just going to play a couple more games of FIFA.

And then about an hour, an hour and a half later, they come back up. This is the end of the festival and this is where we've basically, all the little bags that I've said, not today satan and left on that shelf and you've done the exact same for the entire festival because this is the last night of festival we're sat there with heaps of grams and we're like all right well like okay today satan yep it was that day um

girls come back up after 90 minutes and me even Nick are like oh sorry were we getting a bit too loud just for playing FIFA and they were like it's 2 in the afternoon and they'd had a full 8 hours sleep oh we've had some bad ones I had that one that one where Natalie

had missed the last train and she had work in the morning and I was like well it's alright I'll just drive you to work in the morning to Glasgow was like, well, it's all right, I'll just drive you to work in the morning to Glasgow. And then fucking, I ended up forgetting about that, hanging one on and then she comes up

and we're like, you're meant to be giving me a lift to Glasgow and I was like, well, I'm still on it. Right. So jump on my back and I'll run you there. I mean,

basically she drove my car because she was sober and I had to just nap it out in the car before driving back to the fringe. I'm glad those years are behind us. But, you know, we did them.

I've seen it done it. I hope whoever the younger generation of comics is this festival, because it's the one back, it's your responsibility to go out and get fucking maggot and get fucked and be insane, don't be one of these fucking

losers and they are losers who takes the fringe 100% seriously, if you take the fringe 100% seriously that is so unbelievably disrespectful to all the comedians up there just trying to have a fucking good time. And look at you, you fucking tryhard with your wee fucking suit

and your shiny fucking shoes. Fuck off. Slow down. Remember you're a fucking clown and act like it. It's like, you know, when we did the comedians boxing, some people trained really hard because they wanted to win. Gavin Webster and Mark Nelson just went, look, if none of us train,

it's even. It's a level playing field if you drink right up until the fight. Yeah, yeah. Because look, the thing as well with the Fringe is you're always, regardless of what you do, regardless of how you do the festival, you're always going to go through the same emotions that

everyone else goes through. You're going to either have a good first week, first couple of days, or a bad first couple of days, and that's really going to affect your next week, and then it will sort of do the opposite. So if you have a bad first week, you'll have a good second week, and if you have a great first week, you'll get overconfident, and your second one will go down.

And then, I say second week, I mean after the previews. And then your first week will sort of level out, the second week will be good, the third week will drop down and the fourth will be hell on earth. Doesn't matter how you do it. You can go to the gym every fucking day. You can get a second wind in the last week because it starts, everybody realises the fucking fringe is on

and the end's in sight so people descend on the fringe and you get loads of guests. It's like, I guess the last mile of a marathon isn't as hard as the 20th mile of a marathon. Yeah, yeah, because you've got people there cheering you across the finish line. Your experience at the festival, the emotions you're going to experience are all of them. And whether you are sober and going to the gym every day and having lovely times with your family,

or whether you're being a fucking sesh head for the full month, you're still experiencing the same emotions the entire time. You're just going to react more poorly. You know what would be difficult for an overthinker that really tries hard at the fringe, right? If they fucking do the whole get up at seven, run up off a seat, have a smoothie, right, and fucking live that life,

and then they turn up and they've got 16 tickets sold, or whatever, right, and they're like, fuck, I'm doing everything I can i can they're working hard i've got no disrespect for them but it must be brutal for them watching you session the whole time and filming the aicc that must that must be some serious like how the he he's seen that picture the picture the sketch from Harry Enfield and Chums where there's a guy on the horse

and he's gunning the horse and he's whipping it and he's like really fucking tucked in and then Harry Enfield just pulls up side saddle on the horse and just goes

hi sir that's the race going for you I hope so it'd be brutal at least if you're gunning hard and you're just partying the whole time

and hey I saw a good time and then the times when your numbers are low or the gig doesn't go well and you're like I already so it'd be brutal at least if you're going hard and you're just partying the whole time and having a good time then the times when your numbers are low or the gig doesn't go well you've like I've already got

an inbuilt excuse you know if you graft all the way through it and you ever have a bad gig or your numbers are low

the only reason it could have went bad is your shade yeah where's the other excuses I made GSL a little back catalogue of fucking excuses to this guy.

Yeah, that one was on me. Well, I mean, the danger with it is, and this is 100% of the reason why I am slowly descending into an alcoholic, is when you learn how fucked you can be on stage and get away with it and still have a good show. Like, I know we've told the story before, but I remember

that time you, me and Steele did Acid. Yes. On the second last night. Uh-huh. And didn't sleep and

just had a fucking nightmare 24 hours until the gig. Me and Elliot, like, went to each other's shows. Yeah. Because we're, like, we're near each other, back to backiot like uh went to each other's shows yeah because we're like we're near each other back to back so we went to each other's shows and i remember there was a point at moss kitchen um we're getting some food we couldn't eat it we're just pushing it onto our plates and we both give up on what they're not right and we just had our heads on

our hands he's about to get on in like 45 minutes i've got like about two hours before i'm on my heads on my hands we're fucking hanging and then I was like this is the day the awards came out Elliot everyone's going to look at us and think we're taking it really badly I guess those two didn't get nominated

well I mean Elliot's the other you know good example of what we're saying isn't always the best advice because he definitely too early and he'll openly admit to himself this isn't a fucking slam on our boy he'll be the first person to admit this but

that boy done fucked up at least one festival when he was just like I'm on it all the time fuck the plaudits and we were like dude you know this this is your first festival and we've like dude you know this this is your first festival and we've got like five or six in the bank yeah like we we can act this way because we we fill up to it i've got an audience every day i know i'm sold out for like the next six and you know i'm really comfortable in an hour yeah yeah and i've done it i've done it a bunch

of times yeah whereas this is your first one and he was like, stop being a fucking pussy and pass me that back and I'm like, hey, it's my boy. And then we went to watch him and he took 37 minutes on a one hour show. His last joke was a callback to a joke that he hadn't done.

Oh, little fucking idiot. Do you think we've been good for him? No. Okay. Oh, no, as a comic guy, as a person. Do you think we've been good for him? No. Okay. Oh, no, as a comic guy, as a person. Are they different answers? Yeah. All right, then go.

But I'll accept answers to both then. I think as a comic, we might have slowed him down at the start, but he's got the hang of it now, and he's really found his voice now. Oh, yes, he has. He might have found it sooner. But saying that, that no i was just going to say this like because he would have been able to like he wouldn't have the bad influence of like us leading them astray but but he would have had the bad influence of his agent pushing

him through a rabbit hole or pigeonhole sorry they wouldn't fit yeah so he would have been like a clean cut suit and tie aye um i'm mark steelson it's a USP aye whereas now he's like a bit of a reprobate and he's older than that aye but he's yes but he's himself and that's the reason why he's funny

because he's not pretending to be anyone else on stage yeah I reckon you're right you know I reckon they're kind of the same answer

because as a person we stare at them really well as well as we could that's also not true by way of bullying yeah whenever i done something that like we didn't like we picked on him for it yeah yeah and and for those you've been like oh what you talked about doing art no we stopped him wearing neckerchiefs

like it was just stuff we were like buddy that's not i know you're looking for your personality but that's not it that's just you trying to you're peacocking stop that when we told him to stop wearing eyeliner like i wouldn't have told call donnelly to stop wearing eyeliner because i'm just like you do you call that is you when i see elliot steel dude i'm like are you doing that because call did it what would say well speaking of that, what definite things like that have you done? I mean, obviously yours is like the fucking bleach blonde hair you used to do.

We've discussed that. What have I done? When you look back, if I could give you a time machine, right? I can't send you back to kill Hitler. I can't send you back to kill Elon Musk. I can't send you back to kill Hitler. I can't send you back to kill Elon Musk. I can't send you back to any of these things. But what I can do is send you back in time

to kick the shit out of yourself before you make a decision. I've got it. Right. I went shopping before night out when I was like 19. Yeah. And I bought a long sleeve t-shirt for the night out. And it had

four words. It had four words written in bold. Four words. Eat, sleep, rave, repeat. It was a white t-shirt with blue sleeves. It had nothing on but the words in blue.

Brits do it best. Oh! Oh! Nothing on, but the words in blue. Brits do it best. Oh, can I come back with you in the time machine? I had a Brits do it best top and I went out in town with Brits do it best top. In Britain. Know your audience. Know your audience. You might as well wear a shirt just to be like Aren't we all cool

Speaking of which Did anyone At home Enjoy the Pedo breeder celebration The national Pedo breeding celebration It's

You know what I'm not mad enough For breeding a pedo Right Because Because I think I'm mad enough For harboring one I think that would mad enough For harbouring one

I think that would be Brutal for any mother To find out that kid That they raised A fucking nonce Fucking diddler Because it's probably Noted to you

The way they raised them Absolute Fucking Horseshit Right You're telling me The reason No way man

I just think The reason he fucks kids Is because he grew up In a castle Without consequences And they were like Here's other people That get away With evil shit The reason he fucks kids is because he grew up in a castle without consequences. Ugh. And they were like,

here's other people that get away with evil shit and because the media doesn't exist and the internet doesn't exist in the way capacity is now, you're just going to get away with shit

because before this, people got away with evil shit for years. It's been in our family for hundreds of fucking years and you know because you've met this old racist cunt,

this other fucking piece of shit and we're just le it so you can get away with it everyone. Of course, she not only harboured it, she fucking nurtured it. I day believe in this kiss because that is a man, it was a 17 year old lassie so probably wouldn't have even gotten done for that it was the fact that it was fucking human trafficked

it was the fact that it was one of Epstein's fucking paid for girls. One of the women brave enough to call him out on that. You don't go to Epstein's Island 17 times and fuck one kid. He's a sex offender and she harboured him. I'm mad at her for...

He's a fucking nonce. I'm mad at her for harbouring a sex offender is what I'm mad at her for. I think breeding a nonce... I hate to sound like a lefty from the future here, but how do you know that somebody could, there could be somebody that has paedophilic thoughts that's a nice guy that just turns himself in

or kills himself. How do you know a lot of suicides aren't attributed to the person just dealing with them demons the whole fucking time so they just neck their cell and everyone's like, you seem so happy. And you're like,

ah, he wanted to fuck kids, but he didn't, so he killed his cell. Probably an unpopular opinion. No, no, but fair enough. But no, that's a popular opinion if Prince Andrew were to fucking kill himself. Like, we'd all fucking love it

if he just fucking necked him. I mean, I don't know if he'd get a fucking rope to go around the jewels. Like, I just feel like, have you seen that in X-Men 2 where the cunt half turns into a jellyfish and then manages to push himself through the bars? That's what would happen if Prince Andrew

tried to fucking hang himself. He said we'd just go like an octopus. Oh, no, I'm free. I've got to fuck more children. And look, just because one person being 17 years old, that Ireland was fucking, he was there repeatedly,

he was very good friends with Jeffrey Epstein. I think the youngest one we've got, another person came forward, was 50 years old. He's a full-blown fucking Nazi. He might not fuck babies, but he fucked kids. Like, his mother should have,

like, she should have seen the bigger picture and not only distanced herself, but turned him in. You know what I mean like it's it's not just about your pr with the fucking public of your nation your great nation it's not just that it's the doing the right thing of getting him off the fucking streets it's the day the right thing like i think if a mother like breeds a pedo and then finds out he's a pedo she should fucking turn him in.

Yep. It's your obligation. And if you don't do that, you don't get a fucking street party, you old cow. And it's so strange for me. It's all happening in the UK. Obviously, it's not a global party that's happening. It's just the UK.

We're getting to look in through the window while we're in Europe, and it just looks weird. You know, we're in Europe and it just looks weird you know we're in Europe now looking in and you just get to see it from the other side I think it's the most look at them mad bastards

it's the most pathetic thing in the fucking world it's so pathetic it's like to to actually fuck your arguments about it being for a community. Fuck your arguments. Tourist money.

No, no, no. None of that's fucking true. Fuck it all. Like, it's none of that. There are other ways to do that. People don't just come to the UK to see the fucking... By the way, if the Queen didn't live in the building, they'd still fucking come, right?

That's what history is. I'm not going to the Coliseum in Rome to see the fights taking place. That's what fucking history is, you stupid piece of shit Colosseum in Rome to see the fights taking place. That's what fucking history is, you stupid piece of shit. You don't want to see the lions eating Christians. Yeah. Wait a minute.

Yeah, no, I definitely do. You know what it looks like? If you can disconnect yourself from it enough, which it's easier for us to do being in a different country watching it happen. It's like when you watch a documentary about fairies. A hundred percent. There you go. And you're like, in a different country watching it happen. It's like when you watch a documentary about fairies. 100%. Here you go.

And you're like, everyone in that video needs to be shot dead. I don't know what crime that is, but it's definitely a crime, or it's the first step to worse things. It looks like it's born of mental illness. Man, it's the closest and most disgusting example of when we're close and when i mean when i say we i mean you and your lot when they're closest to americans when it's when it's like you know we all look down our noses and be like imagine singing

your national anthem before every event every public event and like every day in school these american children have to stand up at the start of every day in every school in america they have to stand up and pledge allegiance to the flag indoctrinated from the ages of four years old we looked at me like oh and look at them with their fucking gun culture and they're not going to get rid of anything because where do you think they got that from they got that from us oh well i mean we never had the gun culture, wasn't it? No, no,

the indoctrination. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, that sort of shit. And then you've just got people out there wearing their fucking Union Jack hats,

their Union Jack things, singing God Save the Mother of a Pedo with 100% sincerity. Big fat gammon cunts, greatest country on the earth. Ugh.

Great to do it best. Ugh. Aye. It's, it's it's it's backwards it's disgusting it's like man it's really backwards she'd done this sketch with parent and bear oh parent and bear drank out of a teapot and fucking she got a sandwich out of a bag and everyone was swooning everyone's like oh she's the best oh my god the Queenie she's such a good sport doing that you're like she did a fucking sketch loads of cunts

do sketches when she croaks is it because she's above sketches and she she lowered herself to doing a sketch is that why people think

she's God came down and bestowed the child she's just like one of us I would be like that that fucking it's that

it's people fucking revere her because they're a bunch of stant looking cunts and she's on the money and you know it's which is fucking

insane that's insane it's insane that she's on that's what like fucking Nero and Caesar did put me on the money

it's me it's biggest belief it's like you know I can kind of see why people would look at Nero and Caesar put me on the money. It's me. It's biggest belief. It's like, you know, I can kind of see why people would look at Nero and Caesar with that kind of fucking regard, right? Because if you get attacked from like Hannibal or the Vandals, right?

It's going to be their fucking armies that protect you from getting pillaged. She had the fucking opportunity. She's a fucking bookmark. Not a bookmark, a fucking place where is she had the fucking opportunity she's a fucking bookmark not a bookmark a fucking placeholder she had the opportunity to win

Boris Johnson was voted in prime minister she had the opportunity to go no she has that power she's never used her power

for good or anything to do anything if she occasionally used that power over class somebody goes my favourite moment

of the Queen's reign is when she stepped in and made the government give the children free school meals during lockdown. Oh, wait a minute, that wasn't the Queen, that was Marcus Rashford.

Yep. It was like, she could have done that. Marcus Rashford had the power to do it. The Queen had absolute power to do it. So there's so many points where she could have come in and just went,

had our government everybody agrees you're fucking up here she's never she's never done it when she fucking croaks i'm going to have to stay off instagram for a week and make sure that nobody close or any of i think everyone in scotland's just going to be like everyone turn your phone off because if they thought us reacting to the World Cup loss was bad Oh God What a day, what a sad day it'll be and the reason I'll have to be off

Instagram for a week is because I'll just be morning noon and night on the fucking sesh! So this is, Patri I are going to get this in a minute so bang on time for the verdict but on Wednesday

the people listening to this, hi everyone in the cheap seats, they may be living in a country run by a different man to Boris Johnson, a whole woman because he's getting a vote of no confidence or a vote of no confidence right this is how I believe it would be if enough MPs

put in a letter of no confidence a vote has to be made and that vote has to be half of the Tory MPs who are seated have to vote whether they've got confidence in them or not and if it's no confidence they'll be forced to leave.

And then another fucking Tory lying cunt gets in. That's it. The vacuum just creates a fucking space. Can I get a little bit political? I mean... To wrap it up. To bring it home. Sure.

I don't think the vote's going to be based on whether that MP is confident or not. That vote is going to be based on what favours they can get from either Boris Johnson or the person who they think's going to get elected next. So they'll get promises, like 180 MPs will get promises from Boris Johnson that if he did this for my constituency,

I'll fucking, I'll give you the vote of confidence, right? And then he's going to have to fucking make out of these promises that either can't keep or that if he does keep, it's going to mean that there's going to be a deficit from other funds, whether that be kids' meals, social services, NHS, right? Just so you can do favours for these MPs. I think it's going to be a vote of fucking political favours. What do you think?

Regardless of how this vote goes, it's just going to tie up government money into promises. We're cronies. What's already been a fucking terrible, terrible leadership is going to get worse because of this vote, regardless of how it turns out. That's what I think. And the Tories will still win the next election

because England is so, not as bad as America, but I would say, and not as bad as Russia, and not as bad as North Korea. But on the list of countries that are completely and utterly lied to and indoctrinated by the right-wing media, we're in the top 10. Aye.

Completely and utterly in the fucking top 10. I think you hit the nail on the head on my way here when you were like, I want him to... I want Boris Johnson to absolutely... I'll have this on record. I want Boris Johnson to remain in I'll have this on record, I want Boris Johnson to remain in fucking government.

But by a massive divide. Yeah. Win by like 1%. Yeah. So it's like, so he's the fucking leader of a sinking ship right now. Yeah. And I hope he continues to do as good a job as he's done so far,

which is one of the worst capable of doing it because it will push Scotland further and further and further fucking away and if in my time like even though I know the world's going to end before I'm fucking 70 years old just because of global warming and war and blah blah blah blah blah even if that ends in 2070

if Scotland goes independent in 2069 nice, it would still be one of the greatest days of my fucking life And you know what I'm going to do If that does happen I'm going to declare for Scotland

I'm going to go for Scottish citizenship Yeah Due to marriage Living there The time served Oh sweet You'll be able to play for our football team Still be one of the best

And I'm going to I'm going to still support England In the football So I mean good luck to Boris Johnson today genuinely hope you managed

to get through it I hope you've promised the right people lies that you're not going to stick to and I said on

Facebook the day if anybody still likes Boris Johnson it's all on the table now you can see who he is there's no fucking there's

no other angle to look at it than the way it is anymore so if anybody still likes him at this point they are in an abusive relationship they fell in love with their abuser yeah and that's all it is it's the same psychology behind that if you're still backing that guy it's the fuck unless you're the one of the fucking ones that's getting promises, which the majority of voters aren't. I think it's cunts that fucking read the Sun in the Daily Mail and just fucking get it, you know. They don't think they're abusive, though.

They're like, I can't understand why I'm getting poorer and things are getting worse. But it can't be this guy who's got the floppy hair on the front page of the news every day. They're blaming the lefties, even though, like, your guys have been in for fucking 12, 13 years, man. they're blaming the lefties even though like your guys have been in

for fucking 12 13 years man to get less political we're in Nazi Germany and the reason I say we're in Nazi Germany

do I need to censor that no because is that not illegal to say here no it's illegal to accuse somebody of being I don't know if it's illegal

to accuse somebody of being a Nazi it's illegal to deny the holocaust which I will man that should be the law in every country to accuse somebody of being, I don't know if it's illegal to accuse somebody of being a Nazi. It's illegal to deny the Holocaust, which I will, man, that should be the law in every country. Aye.

Across the board. Like, that's where freedom of speech ends. If you, with 100% sincerity, and you mean it, go against one of the worst things that's ever happened in the world, that's the line of where

your free speech ends. There is. Because stupid cunts, because we live in a time when people are poorly fucking educated because educated people know how to vote correctly so it's within the interests of the people in power to make sure that the masses are not educated.

And if you, from a position of power and knowledge, know that, you can say something that you know to be untrue but will be believed by the masses and you do that to build your own popularity and create conspiracy theories. That is where your free speech ends.

That's the exact line. Where does it end? There. You deny the Holocaust, you're out of life. That's it. End jail, gone. Go have that conversation

with all those other cunts in there. That's across the same line where if you go, hey, that child's sexy. Yeah. It's all over. It's all over. There's no further discussion.

You're in there now. It's hate speech. It's fucking, it's dangerous. It's no further discussion you're in there now it's hate speech it's fucking it's it's dangerous it's a crime so I agree with that I don't know if

it's legal to call I don't think it is legal to accuse someone of being a Nazi oh no that was it legal to call them Nazi but not legal

to call them right wing fascists yeah because there was a song that was released to someone called them

right wing fascists the right wing party song that was released called Right Wing Fascists. The right wing party, who was the equivalent of UKIP, tried to sue the band and got nowhere because they were like, you are right wing fascists. It's illegal to call you a Nazi, but they didn't. There was no point in the song where they used the word Nazi.

So now you're just right wing fascists. I was doing it for comedic purposes, but well done on correcting me so we could have that discussion anyway, so people could understand the difference between irony and sincerity. Yes. These cunts,

in service stations, in service stations where cars go past and go in to fill up, they, and everyone in this fucking country, they charge you... 70 cents? ...to go to the toilet. To piss?

In the service station where they sell oil and gas, the most profitable things in the world, they charge you money. The food is marked up everything's marked up like you're not paying you're not paying like discount prices you're paying closed market prices because they know you've got nowhere else to go so they're profiting like fuck from you just walking through that door which is fine let me have let me have a piss fucking let me put i'll put if you don't let me fucking piss for free I'll piss on the fucking building

that's the deal that's how this works I've never once hit the trough I piss while windmilling me cock for 70 cents like it's now one thing I will give

the Germans credit for is you know they're like it's not they're not like what they would do in the UK which is

it's only coins. Oh, I've only got a pound. Sorry, we only accept shillings. Nothing is updated. Here's a really inconvenient thing and zero solutions. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Because it's Germany, they're like, we know you've got a card, motherfucker. We know you've got a phone with all your bank cards on it.

And we know you've got a wallet full of your bank cards. You can tap and get in. This isn't no skin off your nose. We're not making you get money out. with all your bank cards on it. And we know you've got a wallet full of your bank cards. You can tap and get in. This isn't no skin off your nose. We're not making you get money out. We're not making you do change. Like when I was visiting my granddad in the hospital, it was like 80 pence for an hour of parking, right? And I was like, and you couldn't use card and it didn't give change.

And I was like, 80 pence is the hardest amount to get exact. You need three coins minimum to get 80 pence. Rotten fucking pence rotten fucking because I was pulling up like all the time I was just like every time I come here they're robbing us

by a bit I honestly think that's one of the most disgraceful things charging to park near a hospital oh and it's not

the hospital's fault it's the government and like you know regulations yeah when you underfund something and they're like we have to get fucking money from everywhere I don't think I mean hold on while I get my big fucking liberal hat on and like, you know. Regulations, yeah. Yeah, when you underfund something and they're like,

we have to get fucking money from everywhere. I don't think, I mean, hold on while I get my big fucking liberal hat on and wave my big liberal flag so you all know I'm a progressive piece of shit. Every male nurses and doctors while at work should be 100% free. All of their parking should be free. Thank you so much.

It's just, I'm just going to say things that, you know, it's not really popular to say these things right now, but I'm going to say it. Nurses are brave and they deserve the parking and they deserve to be free internet and they deserve little licky outs and everything

your microphone it was my headphones Jesus did I just derail you? I wasn't going anywhere hold on before my headphones cut out, were you saying that the disease licking out?

Yeah. I think... I'm sorry for teetering on that rant. I think if you're a nurse and you're having a rough fucking day and, you know, you're stressed, but, you know, your shift doesn't end, and if there's a...

You know, if we had it in the budget, you know, and there it in the budget you know and there was just like a room full of horny teenagers not teenagers of like Prince Andrew teenagers but like

19 yeah 19 20 young like the yeah teenage you may be wrong

let's not I'm glad I derailed you actually look if you're a nurse and you want to get molested by a fairly legal teen I just I figured if you want a nurse and you want to get molested by a fairly legal teen...

I figure if you want young, handsome men or women to do you a sexual favour, you know, after you've just given somebody a prostate exam, I think it's your turn. After I've sweated your minge off, I'll shift. Aye! Who else is going to do it apart from a fucking horny 20-year-old? I know. We'll need to... I didn't want to wrap up there

Or end on that But We have to because I've got to be on stage In a second Aye Aye And for anyone

Watching at home Here's 15 seconds Of Radio silence So you can all applaud Both of us For not getting any

Red wine On our shouts Oh let them clap silence so you can all applaud both of us for not getting any red wine on our shirts. Oh, let them clap. Thanks guys. Thank you so much. No, that was for you guys. That was for you guys.

Germany, all of the shows so far have been un-fucking-believably good. I've liked them a lot. We are so incredibly lucky to be able to do this. I've liked them a lot. We are so incredibly lucky to be able to do this. I can't believe, it's like being a fucking rockstar man. It really is, like the fucking like even, you know, we're hung around

to say hello to everyone at the stage door and then you come back through and there's just crews of people like, unsetting the stage like all working, you're like, we're a fucking operation now. Yeah. We're like a really big operation and all we get a day is turn up and just tag

we're shade and people and the promoters who are doing such a good job and the people who book it like they look at it

and like you did this and we're like we turned up like if like and it's because the audiences are so great out here that you're just

making us look class you're making us look way bigger and way more successful than we actually are changing the game it's never been done before look class you're making us look way bigger and way more successful than we actually are changing the game

it's never been done before except for about literally everyone who did it before yeah I can like off the top of my head I

could name 15 people who've done this before Jimmy Carr's done it Russell Peters Bill Burlough UK

boy changing the game so yeah and also when I say Germany there Prague you were fucking great and Switzerland

you have a lot to live up to because you are the last one on this tour yeah and don't go anywhere we've got dad jokes

oh yeah we're doing dad jokes for you your dad's diary has to be waterproof Oh yeah. We're doing dad jokes for you. Your dad's diary has to be waterproof. For his tears. And his jizz. I don't know. Tell him his life at sea.

Your dad drinks his soft bow leg with a straw. Sometimes at 3am, your dad wakes up and tiptoes downstairs To gently open the garage door To see if he can catch his car In the act of being a transformer Just like But annoyingly He's only ever caught you

And your brother kissing in the back Discovered That was a Dave Longley joke wasn't it Dave Longley was like my wife caught us wanking wait caught suggests I wasn't meant to be doing it

discovered us wanking your dad has your dad had labia lips stitched to his actual lips but no one's noticed yet because no one ever looks at him your dad turned up at the polling station

to give Boris Johnson his vote of confidence. Your dad cycles his big wheel on the treadmill in the gym. Do you mean like, well done, a big wheel Penny Farthing? A big wheel, no, it's the kid's one that has the pedals on the wheel. It's like a tricycle, but the pedals are on the wheel. Isn't that what a Penny Farthing was? No, Penny Farthing's got like a big wheel. Yeah, but wasn't the pedals on the wheel. It's like a tricycle but the pedals are on the wheel. Isn't that what Penny Farvin was? No, Penny Farvin's got like a big wheel.

Yeah, but wasn't the pedals on the wheel though? Oh yeah, but that's not what a big wheel is. Right, okay, sorry. You didn't know you had Penny Farvin's

from your big wheels. You'd make a terrible I'm coming from most bubble tea over here. You'd make a terrible hipster. That's the one thing holding me back uh your dad got fired from the samaritans for answering every phone call with oh this again i sung a lullaby he had dad in a fight and he was out cold before i threw a punch

all right jigglypuff before I threw a punch. All right, Jigglypuff. That was her power. Is that a Pokemon Jigglypuff? Yeah. And that was their power? All Jigglypuff would do.

Oh, did you ever play Pokemon Red or Blue? You know what? It was a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Man, absolute nightmare. You go in, right? You've got Jigglypuff. You send out your big fucking Charizard.

She gets the first move. She sings. You're constantly asleep. Oh, the's always imagine that your charizard's been a snoozing susan i think you mean a snorlax all right um your dad doesn't have a favorite grandchild because they're not old enough to fight yet which means one of them is if he did fight his other grandchild he'd end up in juvie

take a 12 year old versus a 1 year old alright alright until until Gav teaches your niece everything he knows about

fighting off men no I think in my head I was like Just go after MMA And then I was like Oh no Stets Just crawl from a car

Alright cunts Hey if you're not On my Patreon Sign up It's only three quid And you can listen to one Thursday as well How about that

Aye and you can Or you can go back And listen to last Thursday's episode Where we drunkenly talked Through the Johnny Depp scenario Aye I think that went down alright Did it well how about that aye and you can go back and listen to last night's episode where we drunkenly talked through the Johnny Depp scenario aye I think that

went down alright did it but you know which episode from the Patreon went down the best if anybody wants to sign up to Patreon and

like listen to one there's one called the dog fiasco and it's only 40 minutes long and we're pretty drunk and we both tell the same story but

from our own side and it's two quite different stories that they come together as one so there you go but if you're still watching for free thanks for watching it for free you can pay us back by coming to see us on tour

or telling your friends that you don't think we're shit and don't forget that anything any other comedian has done regardless of what evidence there is that they've done it before we did it first it's never been done before