Sloss and Humphries On The Road - It’s Not the Venom. It’s the Betrayal

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Your favourite supply teacher Mark Nelson joins Muggins on the podcast and they get talking about some of the fights they got involved in on nights out, Kai comes to terms with the fact he's probably still on the run because of some of his actions. They also talk about a pair of little snakes.

hello podcast listeners thank you for being here for what is an excellent podcast with me kai humphries mr muggins and mark nelson daniel is off doing the european tour with gareth and because i was otherwise predisposed and um if you're listening on period i'm sorry the early access is a little bit late it's still early access you're still getting another day before everybody else um but it was a bank holiday on monday and i would rather have mark here in person than do one with someone over zoom hi peggy are you just pottering around looking for something to do me dog's just walked in she's looking very cute back to the podcast i'm really bad at these intros but here it is you're about to listen to me and mark nelson talk about all things from the

comedy industry and how it's a lot harder as a working club comic to make ends meet with the rise in prices and stuff like that. We talk about interrupting fights, breaking up fights and also escalating fights. And I end up talking about a few crimes I committed. So hopefully there's no repercussion for those. This should probably be appearing on an episode and probably stories you've heard before. But you know what? They're always nice to hear them again. We'll also talk about fucking snakes. Enjoy the podcast.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim we in the same seats that's hack oh moguls accidental rem job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking

mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 alright thank you for tuning in Wednesday's episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road

or Tuesdays if you're on early access I've got Mark Nelson with us because Daniel is off in Scandinavia yeah I take it are these

with Gareth what are these are these rescheduled gigs that have just never happened because of the pandemic yeah so there was you know when we're

done that that was too much it was actually meant to have more dates in it right they have been rescheduled like they're scattered

between like now and the fringe right okay like now and the fringe. Right. Okay. Like now in the summer. So I catch them back up on like Vienna and Germany and Budapest, Paris.

But what happened is they weren't scheduled in at first and Danny had his baby and I started looking after like me club gigs again. And I put in some club gigs and they rearranged these dates on top of the club gigs. And really, gigs and uh they rearranged these dates on top of the club gigs and really like really what i should have done is like us like pulled club gigs yeah went off with danny because they're big like thousand seaters yeah exactly and uh they're better paid and all that right but i just had this like crisis of conscience where i was like you know if i didn't tour with danny like the club gigs on me bread and butter aye I don't want to just

be the flaky guy that puts stuff in and then cuts a better thing when it comes off aye totally aye so even though like it was like

it felt like I was downgrading what I was doing and class gigs I feel like bad saying downgrading so Peter Vincent's ones you know

Stuck Knock and Hartlepool great gigs and also even though it's near enough like Middlesbrough and Sunderland still my people

when it comes to working class so you know when I'm doing stuff with people and it's not like you can pull them and then hide the fact

that you've done the gigs with Danny because they're fucking and I wouldn't want to do that anyway so I was just like right I'm going to honour these bookings

because like don't burn your bridges that's me that's me bread and butter like I'm not touring with Danny I'm going to be doing bookings because like, don't burn your bridges. That's me, that's me bread and butter. Like, I'm not touring with Danny, I'm going to be doing these gigs. And so, and also it was nice

because it meant Gareth could go on with Danny. Whereas if I pulled them gigs and went with Danny, it's not like I could have just swapped myself for Gareth. No, exactly,

because he's no big, he's no big big for them, so there's no, yeah. And like, Peter Vincent's probably got a queue as long as his arm for people he wants to go on.

So, so I, it just gives us like, serious FOMO and you know, I'm taking them fucking long miles on my own petrol tank to, to get to the gigs. And I actually saw you put a Facebook status about this that day. And I wanted to bring that up on the podcast.

It's getting less affordable to live on club gigs. Yeah. I, I, but I basically like the, what I was saying was what what happened was because i you do like i've tried to put in more kind of doubles and stuff like that yeah because it made sense and it was something i'd never really done because i didn't like i didn't really like the stress of it the jeopardy of it yeah because all it does take is for one thing to fuck up. One person's late, one venue queues massive,

so that runs 15 minutes over, and then you're struggling to get to the other one. And in London, it kind of works. They've kind of got it like clockwork. In the public transport, as much as with Slag London, the tube's pretty fucking reliable. If you miss one, there's one two minutes time. That's the thing.

That's the thing. But if you're doing one like the middle of the middle of the country yeah you've got like something they got like a 50 minute drive between it yeah and it's not like but and it has to be a drive that's the thing because like uh like even like even a couple of weeks ago when we had a the we were at the matty the Pinsir's engagement party yeah so I Pinsir we so I came

I was in Blackpool and that was in Manchester and I was coming over to just have drinks before that and even like Liverpool

Manchester sorry Manchester and Blackpool aren't that fucking far away but the train takes like an hour and 40 minutes aye and if you miss it you're fucked

yeah because the train system in this country is so shit that so you have to drive and then all it takes is like to start a bit late the mc overrun exactly all these things happen nine times out of ten yeah so the so the idea was i'd put on more doubles and stuff like that and then they get a car now uh i prefer to leave the car at home so wife and kids yeah they're not stranded me too right because they've got fuckers they've got they've got my wee boys get football on a saturday morning so it's a nightmare to get him to football again because public transport in glasgow is utter shite i love that i'm going me too like we're kind of getting

we're kind of getting piggy to lynn park. She loves it there. She has to go to Greenbank. So I was doing a thing where I'd never considered getting a hire car before. And I started getting hire cars. And I was like, fucking hell, these are all right. These are pretty cheap. So £26 a day. And then I went to get one yesterday for a trip I've got this week. And it had gone up to like £150 a day.

And I was like, no, it's nothing to do with that i was like how the fuck has this happened so i put a thing out and said does anyone know why this is going on and then uh tons of people get back to me and then i started reading up on it and it's like there's like no cars in the world at all just now there's just no fucking cars so to get through the pandemic a lot of car hire firms sold their entire fleet to keep afloat right and since then because no one because no like if you order this happened to my sister as well she ordered a second-hand car there's no higher cars available it took eight months no there's no cars there's no fucking cars and it took eight months for her new car to

come secondhand car to come and nobody it's because they're taking their i don't know whether it's a i don't know what covid have got to do with it but there's something about there's a every car now has got a chip in it right there's some chip that gets made i don't know where the fuck it gets made russia probably right they make this chip and it goes into every... They realise the problem. Yeah, it goes into every car. Now, because no one was needing cars when the pandemic was happening, no one was ordering a new car

because everyone was ordering from home, these companies that made the chips stopped making them for cars and started making them for laptops instead because the demand for laptops exceeded everything because people were all from home now there's no fucking car chips so there's no new cars so nowhere has a car let's just request man let's start knocking up cars with a choke remember that we're on a cold day

when you had to pull the choke and it like give it a bit more throttle at a base level see i don't think that about because i remember i remember I was getting a lift for a guy one night and his car broke down and it was the fucking it was the the key system that had broken down but if you can't because everything's

electronic on it if you can't get it to start up you can't do anything with it like the doors wouldn't open the boot wouldn't open

the hood wouldn't open because it's all in this one central computer did you hear about Danny's Tesla where it started like moving his seat? No. Mate, he was fucking driving around.

His seat would just run. He was just climbing back. Fucking lane assist would start pushing him in there. Like Knight Rider. It's just a hire got a mind of its own. Jesus. It turned, dude, long story short, because we've covered it on the podcast,

but you'll not know about it. They started building houses next to his next to his house in the plot of land chopping down trees to make room they like

sent him a letter 13 trees they're going to get chopped down well isn't that the habitat for our fucking families of squirrels and the squirrels looking for somewhere else

to live in the winter fund a way into his Tesla and he took these squirrels he took these squirrels to london and back and they started operating he's calling fucking ratatouille oh that's class isn't it oh man i wonder what happened to tesla now that elon musk's got a new hobby like jenny'll just fuck it off and just go I've done the car thing wait he's

surely he has nothing to do with any of it surely he's just this face of it that just fucking whacks into the factory

from time to time and does press shots and all that right I don't know like surely like the way Jamie Oliver used to do

his restaurant exactly like that he had no fucking idea it was going on in the Glasgow branch Jamie he's looking around going this is

outgrown me I've got to fuck out of the day with this didn't that happen at one of his he got like there was a coup

to get him out of like was it PayPal or something like oh really some old company that he had

or like there was some old I read I read his book that was like written by a journalist that

he'd hired hired to write his book for him you know what I mean like it was the Elon Musk's eye view of musk from someone else's point of view yeah yeah yeah so i've read that and like he got like cooed out of his own company right because i'm guessing that he's like when it becomes a company and people's jobs are there and people are like fucking functioning without them they're just like come on Artie it was at this moment aye aye aye

so I'm imagining all of his operations act like that could run themselves yeah aye aye like he's gonna get into Tesla and probably just

shout at a few CEOs to do it a specific way and then just fucking whack off into the sunset with absolute chaos chaos from people on the shop floor that happens

that happens in pretty much every Batman film there'll always be a scene where Bruce Wayne has to meet up with the fucking board of Wayne Enterprises and Alfred has to talk him into going into it and he's going, listen, I get it. I get you're doing the Batman thing.

You still got a fucking company here. And then they're all sitting around going, we don't need this fucking Batman cunt at all. Absolutely. Especially the fucking latest one where he's just an emo. At least he made an F out with his fucking suit and tie on the previous one.

He looked like he could run a business. You know what I mean? The cunt looked like, he definitely looked like he inherited the business from his dad on this one, which is, I guess, more true to the plot.

Aye, aye, aye. That's class. Squirrelss operating your car that's amazing I mean I fucking rejigged the story that damaged the car to the point it was day and night I quite like

the spin of the story where they pull and leave us and shit like when they hotwire a car and they're just clicking the wires to get what does this do so I took them to London and when he got back and got the mechanics in

and all that right the Tesla engineers like took it away I think they had to fucking because they couldn't move it they had to fucking airlift it like with a crane

over his fence and shit and there was no squirrels in there but all their shit was there aye so the squirrels had got to London and... It was squirrel graffiti. I know what.

Fuck you, sloths. Just etchings of acorns and that scratched into the wall. Bringing down a cat with spears. But they moved to London like Dick Whittington there's a bunch of Scottish squirrels just cutting about

Victoria Park getting wide with oh that's fucking class so let's try and cover what we've just done Twitter getting bought by Elon Musk, is that going to change anything? Is there any reason to be bothered by it?

I don't think it will make any difference at all because it's not like Twitter's a... Twitter's a fucking shitfire anyway, so how can any one man make that god-awful site worse? Have you not seen the Doug Stanhope routine about the King of thailand no so you're like he's banned from thailand for saying something about the king right like when he was on his tour and he got like they had to pull the gig and cancel it because he said something

about the king of thailand he just went off on a fucking tirade about the laws and the fucking like human trafficking and fucking shit that's going on in thailand right and he's like oh great you're king of the shit heap yeah yeah oh god i'm king of the dumpster yeah yeah that's all elon musk will be if he buys twitter and you're like you're king of the cesspit hi you're just king you're king of a message board where just people call each other pedophiles all day long he's like well this is for me yeah exactly yeah finally a place I can get away with it my colon Twitter found him

and I find it funny you know when people are going like he could give everybody in America like so many million with the amount that he's buying

Twitter from and you're like aye but so good the people that are selling Twitter yeah exactly like that money's still getting passed

from one person to another that person could also be a philanthropist with their money and like oh shock horror billionaires are fucking like out of touch with with the needs of people below them but also that also doesn't work that that idea where people go or you could solve world hunger or you could solve you could solve poverty in amer if you gave everyone $800,000 right? Very very few fucking people are going to go right that's me set up now $800,000 I'm going to

invest, I'm going to put a deposit down they're fucking it off the first weekend let's not. Ali Adain's making dealers for the first while. Vegas is going to be mental that weekend because everyone's got 800 grand in their pockets and also like if you're asking jeff bezos to give everybody a fucking if you give everybody like 250 000 per day of money right that means all of your workers will have

like quite a million yeah like do you think they're turning up to work on monday he's literally laying off he's laying off his entire infrastructure It's in his best interest for people that need money. Yeah, yeah. You're asking the right guy for help. Yeah. That's a good point. Nothing would get done if everyone had a shitload of money. If everyone had a shitload of money,

then they'd fucking forget your bins getting collected. If Danny gave me a quarter of a million, I'd stop opening for him. Exactly. Amazing. I think the main worry that a lot of proper left wing people have got is that it'll bring back Trump and suddenly

every evil person in the world will be allowed on Twitter. And you'll be able to say whatever you want. Aye. And you'll be able to say whatever you want. And there'll be no stopping anyone from fucking just... It'll just be make Twitter great again. It's just like the Wild West. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Because that's what we've talked about on the podcast before, is when we look back from a future generation,

like when we're old and our grandkids are in charge and all that right and you you're ashamed of the things that were let's that were let slide in your in your era like you know when you look back and you used to hit children in school with a stick yeah and you can say that to people who are still alive yeah yeah you used to hit kids with a stick in school if you got a bit further back you've got like fucking slavery and all that right yeah like sending kids down the main yeah right And you look back and you're going, that's going to be our, you let everybody just have free reign of their opinion on the internet.

Yeah. Was there millions of suicides? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. God, fuck. Yeah. Jesus. I didn't even think about that. It's, it's,

that's going to be our, yeah, about that. That was that that was that was more than good control were you on it as well oh god yeah

tell the few people to kill themselves well it was a different time back then don't know if you remember Love Island but yep

aye as soon as they released the contestants I fucking put them on me Deadpool not even the contestants, I fucking put them on my Deadpool. Not even the contestants, the staff. But we did a hashtag.

We did a hashtag. That hitting kids thing, that came up like a week ago because they've banned it in Scotland and then they banned it in Wales. Well, recently. They banned hitting kids. I thought that had been banned since I was a kid oh god no it was only two years ago it was banned in Scotland and there was a proper uproar like there was when Wales tried to ban it and then England brought it up last week and you get a genuine massive group

of people that go argue for being able to hit kids wow because it's like how do you even like in good conscience like back yourself in that argument well the the argument i always give is you know you're on the wrong side of history yeah they go i was hit as a kid and it's never done me any harm and you go but clearly it has because you know but our kids like that's not it's like the evidence is right there Over what a Piece of shit you are Yeah It's a

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy Yeah It doesn't mean no harm I've just got a Bloodlust for children Yeah But But hey that's

Yeah only two years ago It was banned in Scotland And then Wales Were shortly after So they Wales were shortly after And then I don't know

I was wondering why you went To fucking Wales centre parks for getting in that last weekend that was more holiday for me and Amy than the kids

they had a holiday from their freedoms that's so funny that you could you could travel to hit your kids legally just the concept of that you could get them That's so funny That you can You can travel To hit your kids legally Just the concept of that You can get them

Get them in the car Yeah Well you know how people Go over to get free Like cheap drink in France England You can just take a van Full of kids down

Do a backy run Get to Carlisle And kick fuck out What a world we live in We're not really like and kick fuck out of London. What a world we're living. We're not really like, we're not in the future yet. No.

We're still ironing out a lot of the kinks for the kids to look back and go, that's grand. Yeah. Did you not stand up for that? Well, I had a podcast

where we talked about it. Raising awareness. Podcasts, yeah, stand up for that well I had a podcast where we talked about you know raising awareness you can probably podcasts ah yeah everyone used to do them you're trying to explain podcasts to a kid

everybody had one and you allowed opinions on them have you ever tried to split up a fight on a night out with strangers I've knocked people

clean out for being in the wrong. Right, right. That's a hell of a leap from what I just asked. Have you ever tried to stop violence? I've escalated violence. Absolutely escalated it. There was one where I just saw this fucking lad

getting ragdolled off two people in front of his lass. Right. And they were like, they were fucking, they were on track, isn't he? He was on a night out. Oh, shit. And he was on a night out with his lass he was on a night out With his last up Polished up and that

And the lad put up a good fight With these two These two fucking Like hooligans And then His last leg dusted him off And whacked away And I whacked

Like I got there As it was like I saw it like happening And I got there Like I about to split it up And I kind of split myself up And then I just followed these two lads on

And Just as a joke Just went You know how you got the better followed these two lads on and just as a joke just went you know how you got the better of these two daft cunts and he just went

do you want some like and fucking KO'd him KO'd him on the spot and Brozzy just dived in got his mate

in his headlock and just went stop amazing stop mate and Gav put the kid in the recovery position and we

whacked on fuck he probably like knocked him right out man Gav stopped him choking on his tongue and fucking

checked his pulse and that and we left and that, and we're left. And then there was one in Melbourne where there was a fucking lassie arguing with a Scottish chanel, arguing with each other in the McDonald's, and I was there having some fucking chicken strips. Just sat on my own,

and he fucking got the tray, and he mushed it into his lass's face, drink full of fucking works right and she like steps back and she's like covering drink and food

and she's fucking like she's just in shock right and as soon as this happened these young Australian lads stood up right

and he just instantly went towards the Australian lads to sit them back down just fucking shoulders out fucking what he's gonna do and all that shit

and they bottled it a little bit like they were just like oh like passive they were like trying to stop him all that shit and they bottled it a little bit like they were just like oh like passive so they were trying to stop him they weren't even on night

the kids like they weren't fucking short and best they were like 19 years old and this lad was like knocking on 30

and I just looked at his lass I was like don't make him knock him out and she just went hi hi

I fucking went up and just hit him twice the first one didn't knock him out he's a big lad now and I was like if he clinches with me I'm fucked here

you know like if he ends up just grabbing us and like I kind of get into that I kind of get into a street fight with him and I just give him

another one I just took this one from me boots and fucking that's what I'm doing and my hand was fucking swollen like I'd

you see I don't know I've got it on the camera oh Jesus Christ little finger is that from that aye where did you hit him chin or like was fucking swollen like i'd you seem i don't know i've gone on the camera oh jesus christ little finger just not from that i where did you hit him chin or like a fucking cheekbone i think and um you know it's like it's all mushed in there but my hand was like like it was right out and i shot myself because i didn't know what the repercussions were with that i didn't have you know when you hear these things about like the bangla Heed or like you're fucking I see

like I walk away from these things going this could be terrible I could be done for fucking manslaughter like it just spur of the moment fucking decision to be like this

social justice warrior out of the fucking true sense of the word where I'm fucking taking it to the battlefield I walk away again oh my god my life could be fucking ruined

and you just get this big sinking fear where like I've had to really fucking mentally coach me Saluda getting involved with this kind of shit

right because you can't even argue self-defence with that nah because you I don't even know I don't even know

if you would have an argument in court so I had this is how this is how it went right I fucking I went back to

me hostel I was staying at this hostel you might even know the place I don't know I can't remember the name of it

because you've been to Melbourne before haven't you it was like Melbourne International Backpackers MIB there was gigs there

as well MIB nice classing in that's well good it's not what I was expecting when I went in I was expecting

one of them egg chairs can you can you we them egg chairs yeah can you can you we alien guys can you can you just sign in on this and I was fucking I'm okay

I tried to try to put all my details in so I went there right and I was like alright I'll I'll pay me 4.50 for me one hour of wifi whatever the fuck

they get you on right And I got in And I ended up Fucking facetiming With Danny I ended up fucking Like just messaging Whoever I was on Facebook

At the time To chat about it right And then I got added By this open mic Last call Tamara Is that You know her

No So she messaged She'd been drinking At the ex-fad With me and Chris Franklin That's who I was out with And she'd added this And then I just Fucking messaged her And she'd been drinking at the Ex-Fad with me and Chris Franklin, that's who I was out with, and she'd added this, and then I just fucking messaged her,

and she'd escalated when I fucking left and told her what happened at McDonald's, and she was like, oh, fuck, I saw some flashing lights, do you want us to go in and see what come of it, right? I saw a hair spool open.

She went in, right? And asked the guy at the counter what happened. And the guy at the counter, Gans, I don't know, like they were arguing and then this lad just come up and smashed the girls' food over her, tree on her, and then knocked the lad out. And knocked the lad out. So I was like, I didn't.

That's not what happened. Even though we just met last night, that's not who I am. As if you were furious that they were interrupting your meal. Oh, I've had enough of this. I was fucking beside myself. I was like, wait, this is getting worse For me this night But apparently The ambulance come for him

And she got in with him Right And I was like I kind of got into hospital With my hand My hand was fucking Broken right But I was like

I kind of got into hospital Because this lad's in hospital And it's a fucking Two piece jigsaw puzzle If he sat there With a fucking Broken orbital And I'm sat here like Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah there's not gonna be fucking two-piece jigsaw puzzle if he sat there with a fucking broken up broken orbital yeah

yeah there's not gonna be a there's not gonna be my usual suspects penny drops moment where a policeman just goes drops a coffee cup so i fucking i'm like oh i'm in I'm in the fucking trouble of my life yeah I still may be new because who knows if that lad listens to the podcast

it's a small world he's a patreon though cancel on it he's there going something similar happened to me well he's not going to want round two is he

let's be fucking honest like so so I fucking just spent me whole time with his fucking swollen hand right and anybody that asked right because I was just so shit myself that I was going to be in trouble it was we're fucking 10 years again right I'm so shit myself that I'm going to be in trouble

that even like Dan Willis who's running the gig I'm spinning me lie to him that I got out the car and me mate slammed the taxi door thinking I'd get into the other side and me hand was still

on the frame right I just fucking I was like I was like I'm not going to be part of this story I'm just going to fucking head doing it

and then it was like a couple of days in Dave Haddingham just went go on then son tell us about your hand I'm on to you all right christ almighty see that's that you like that you're taking a sometimes i've never really done i've seen people step in

with an argument where it's between a guy and his girlfriend the last hour was ends up saying that's the problem yeah i've never done it again I done it I done it in two north down when I was at King's Cross I was watching Tom Horton do his preview there and I went to Zin

and I was this is what happened right I'm fucking I got hit by a separate in a fight and I got here are me nine stories of where I fucking

nearly got done for manslaughter em I'm outside two north down having a smoke right em Natalie just gans done for manslaughter em I'm outside two and a half down having a smoke right em

Natalie just gans Kai don't and grabbed us and turned us the other way right and I didn't

really know what she was doing right and what she had spotted was these fucking two junkies

out of the way right eh a lad had his lad lass rammed

against the bins and he was fucking screaming at her against the bins right and then eh I looked around and gans his lad lass rammed against the bins and he was fucking screaming at her against the bins jesus

and then uh i looked around again so natalie had fucking telegraphed that this was gonna happen i was just saying oh mate man what the fuck you doing let ganava like just like like i didn't approach them i know i just said that and then he lets go of her starts storming towards his pointing his finger and he's just fucking mecking his way towards us, and I just opened with a front kick right to the chest, just teeped him right in the chest, put him back, and followed up with a punch,

and fucking left him on the ground again, went back in, finished me painting, fucking left, and there was a couple of cyclists dealing with him on the floor, when I fucking come out, I was like,

Jesus, again, that fucking fear, where you're like, what are you doing? Yeah. How is that your fate? But you're now in somebody's

fucking fountain towards you. Right, right, bye, at that stage in London like fucking knife crime and shit like that you just don't even

think you're just I'm gonna see that that's the thing like when they always whenever you see stuff because there's always

YouTube videos or like the daily mirror or something will pick up on it and where it's someone getting hassled

be it like being sexually harassed or being racially harassed on the tube or on a night bus and there's always a massive amount of comments that go look at the rest of the passengers doing nothing and you go but what the fuck do you like look at some of the passengers for crazy like half of them are kids half of them are like people coming in from fucking night shift all of them are kids. Half of them are people coming in from fucking night shift. All of them don't want to get stabbed. No, exactly. Because for all the have-a-go heroes that it's worked out that they've gone,

you know what, you've done good there. You've stopped a thing happening. You've stood up for another person. That's a good thing to do for society. For all of them, there'll be another 10 that have stepped in and ended up worse off than the person that was getting harassed

in the first place I ended up in jail for the assault that you've done on them so on this occasion right I fucked off

I was just like I'm out of here I'm away the fucking lassie came back with a golf club and started looking for us with a golf club in the venue

I mean wait unless you wanted to take us for a round of golf cheers mate the venue I mean wait unless you wanted to take us for a round of golf cheers mate do you want to go and knock

nine holes that is Houghton's preview and a psycho woman comes in with a golf club like just a

person pissed off at the Tower of London tour where is he where is he? Where is he? Oh, man. He's like, do you ski?

I play golf, you cunt. Oh, God. So I've been clean from interrupting shit like that for a while now for good. I mean, there has been a lockdown. Aye, aye, aye. There's been two years where I haven't really seen anything.

Yeah. But I'm just at that stage where it's other people's problems. I mean, I probably wouldn't be able to help myself if I fucking, again, if I see a fucking lass getting mushed against the bins or if I see a tree get smashed in a lad's face. Aye, there's an instinct. And now I'm capable of, like, being the bully, you know? Like, they're being a bully and I can't...

Oh, I can give him instant karma for what he's just done to somebody that's weaker than him. Yeah. And so it'll be hard not to do that. And what is the right thing? Am I meant to just... Am I meant to just, like... Turn the other cheek and just...

Hang on. What about if I just power down a little bit and give him a chance to hit us back? It's not like he can go, I'll use reasonable force. I'm not that strong. Yeah. So I can't just restrain him.

Aye. But I've just got a decent hook on us. Aye. Aye, aye, aye, aye. I did it... I've done it a couple of times on us aye aye aye aye I did it the only like I've I've done it a couple of times we're fighting

splitting up fights between lads but never really it's almost it's like tussles it's like guys that you know

you maybe see two guys going at each other but you know neither of them really wants to fight but they can't back down like it's happening on a football pitch

yeah yeah yeah exactly that like they're thinking about the red yeah yeah there's that yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a hell of a lot of putting us putting their heads together and like staring at each other they didn't want to be suspended for the derby yeah yeah yeah yeah uh there's there is a lot of that like i've seen a lot of them that i always just witness them like i never really

there was a there was once i remember one was um me and me and Ray Bradshaw in another Scottish comic we'd been down doing Jonglers when it was in Camden and it was a night where we'd so they used to give you they used to give you

like a bar tab and because this was one of our first it was one of my first times down was another Scottish act for the weekend

so we were like so it was an actual tab they didn't just give you the tokens no no no normally they would but this night it was an actual tab they didn't just give you the tokens no no no normally they would but this night well it was an absolute

belter if you're like gigging with Jim Smallman or someone too tall you're just like fucking yes that'd be night we'd sorted

but this night they were basically just saying I don't know if it was a new manager or whatever that's probably why they went under

which junglers was it Camden yep and they just said listen if you want a drink at the bar just say you're one of the acts

so we'd been doing this and we'd had a bit and bit and then we'd said to but we'd started to say to other people that we'd been speaking to so Ray had a couple of pals down there so we'd said to them just say you're one of the acts and then we'd started to get talking to folks this is when folks still hung about after the gig so it was like a nightclub and shit so we're just going how can you stay in one of the acts so suddenly this bar tab's getting run up and run up. And then there was a fight that night and I don't really remember it. And then Bradshaw told me the next day,

it was like it properly got Wild West kind of shit. And we were both kind of trying to just keep people, weren't a part of it, we're just kind of trying to keep people apart. And is that how it becomes Wild West? Because you're trying to keep people apart, but then you now have somebody just like knocks into you and spills something out of you.

Now you're going to batter him for a completely separate reason to what started with him that's how it happens yeah it starts off

with two guys and then one thing escalates and everyone's fucking in for it because you're not going to in that situation be like

oh no Bob I made that guy there's a lot of stuff going on how were you meant to see me here and all of a sudden you get hit with a fucking chair from somebody else but he says mate, the guy, there's a lot of stuff going on. How were you meant to see me here?

Yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden you get hit with a fucking chair from somebody else. But he says he just, he saw a guy pick up a chair

and then he says he just saw me grab the leg of the chair and just pull it down and just go, no. And then he was like, it was like,

it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Not me looking chair. He brought it with you from home Your best carpentry Get a change Before the podcast You were telling us about your young'un Deleting some shit off your phone

Oh yeah well yeah he's done it before like because I give him my phone to he downloads like football games on it now and then every now and again he will be like just fucking tapping away with greasy fingers and then ends up and I didn't know you could do this because I

so I store a load of stuff on Safari on my phone so if I'm reading a website you actually bookmark stuff I don't even bookmark it that's the problem I just leave it as a tab open oh shit you've got open tabs

I've got open tabs I've got like 160 open tabs does that not make it that kind of slow as fuck like when you're browsing probably I I mean it's stupid because it'll be the most

like every now and again I'll be sitting on a bus or on a train and i'll go right i'm gonna go through this and i'll scroll through it and it's just fucking shit that yeah the time and i don't even know why i've saved it yeah somebody sent it as a link you didn't have time to read it but you were like if i pop that open exactly it'll be there when i'm sat in a mega bus now here i am exactly it wasn't worth clicking. I need better friends. But when you lose it, you then start to make a scenario in your own head that that stuff was utterly

crucial. Like there was shit there you'll never find again. Yeah. And there was genuine important documents that you had saved. But really you were just hoarding. I was just hoarding. You were just hoarding. You were just hoarding information. It's like someone deleting your loft. Yeah. It's a bunch of shit that you put up there because you're never going to use exactly it had been under the bed for too

long you needed space exactly exactly put in the love but i would be exactly the same like if my garage burnt down at home logically there's nothing in there that i actually need but you have attachments in my own brain in my own brain i'd go oh my god i've just lost half my life because we're fucking fucking do you know I lost an entire suitcase once I left it on the train right

I ended up getting off the train like getting on a tube finding Natalie in the park someone's day in London they do next to her which went

where's your suitcase I had a fucking suitcase where I had my belongings literally everything I owned in terms of like Clothes, toiletries

Like the fucking Just so much shit And I just Couldn't find it In the world I never got it I never got it again Jesus

And you know what Like Because if your garage Burns to you That's a bunch of shit That you're hoarding But if you've got Your suitcase

This to you You actually need that stuff This is what I need When I'm out the house Yeah I need this shit And you know what It wasn't that bad no it wasn't as bad as like that is one of your biggest worries in the world is like losing your suitcase yeah you're never finding it again yeah it's always like

your worries are worse than the actual reality of it al i try and i try and reason that with myself whenever i'm whenever i go away at weekends before before I go out the house, I'm like, proper, I've got this weird OCD thing, it's the only kind of OCD thing I've got, where I need to lock the door three times, before I go out. Oh really, you've got one of them ones?

Yeah, that one. The legit one? Aye, because if I don't, I'll then have to travel back, to check I've locked the door. Oh shit.

Right. So that's what, so, so in your head, locking it isn't enough, but if you lock it three times you remember locking it three times you're like i've just done that ritual so yeah i've done it so yeah but if i've run out the door and i've only done it once i'll then i'll be like the train station is like a 10 minute walk from my house i've been in where i'll get to the train station

go fuck did I lock that door and then I'll miss the train and come back down to the house and it's always I mean there's never been a time where I've walked back

and it's been open never Christmas just gone we went to stay with my mum and dad and like see all my family like from like the 28th or something

until the new year aye I fucking got back and I just door handled worked hoose back and I just door handled worked hoose up and I left my house open

all the way over the fucking Christmas week and nobody did a thing I tell you what though I was like creeping around looking behind doors

looking fucking in every like it put the shits up as that I'd done that that like there could have just been people living in me, who's fucking this whole thing. But,

I got away with it. That's not one of them guys, oh, I've done the worst thing, it's not as bad as you think. Because if it had been burgled, it would have been as bad as I thought. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been a horrible thing. Because then you'd have needed to kick in the door, so you could go to the insurance, and go, it's broken in,

you can't just say. Oh, fuck, I imagine. Imagine. But, I mean, it would take a hell of a, because if you're a burglar, go broken in you can't just imagine imagine but eh but I mean it would take a hell of a

because if you're a burglar the chances of you just going up and randomly checking doors are going to be slim anyway and also if you're randomly checking doors and one's up

and you're like there's people in here exactly why the fuck would you take the chance of walking into a a full house I wonder if anyone did that

up in the dorm and went fuck fuck move on aye aye aye eh but aye

so you never found this like the train company couldn't have told you where it was because I mean it must be somewhere they kept telling us

that there was like everything ends up in Leeds so like it'll end up in Leeds Leeds right and I tried ringing this fucking thingy

in Leeds and I just couldn't get through. There was just no way to get through on a phone line. And I remember the comic, I checked the listings and all that and I think Dan Nightingale

was on. I was like, oh, could you check there? And he was like, oh, I've already, I've not even checked the hotel, I've left through the night and all that.

So there was a number of times where I tried to get comics to just check if my luggage was there and then eventually I ended up in Leeds and I went and they just didn't have it. They were just down there. I was like well what do I do now? And they're like

I'm just in Natalie's clothes. I'm just there with a leopard print skirt on and a nice blouse. But that's what I do. As i'm going out as long as i've done the three doors the three log thing i check to see if i've got everything i need for the weekend and before i go i go right i've got my phone and i've got my wallet because and i've got a phone charger because that's in the modern world realistically that's all you need because with a phone you can then

get anywhere you need and if you've got your wallet you can buy anything that you need anyway like if you've forgotten shoes you go well this is shite but I'll just need to buy a new pair of shoes passport would be a fucker passport would be a fucker

especially if you're out of your day in country hopping like what would we do the passport being gone would just be like especially if you're out your day in the country hopping like what would the passport be gone would just be like way it looks like i'm gonna be trying to get home fire an embassy yeah that's my life now um but what's funny is there after losing my luggage is um because i just like i quickly just fucking accepted my new reality all right those i had my b-list clothes that i'll only ever wear at the gym in the house right i'm downgrading back to them as i try and build up my wardrobe over over the course of a few months yeah um so not to have a splurge and um and i just see old photos of me with nice clothes on that i liked that had like psychological attachments too yeah

and i look at them and just just bloodstains are lads that you've broken up fights remember that one yeah did I ever tell you about when I was in Greece in Zante so I'm fucking I was so

fucked I would decide to walk home right I was like you know when you you diagnose yourself too pissed to still be out you walked home from the rest of the lads

not to Britain no no sorry homes where Liam you hat more I put my hat in a two star hotel in Zante

my house now and I walked back and there was a lad lying on the floor right and his head was pissing the blood it was and it was like raining right and it was on marble in the pool of claret it was growing like that right it was like a murder scene and these fucking lads were like what had happened what i figured out right is these lads had, had an argument between friends, right,

push come to shove, he slipped on the wet marble and fucking banged his head on the floor. He tried to put his hands doing or whatever and it fucking hit him here, right,

on his forehead. And, it so bad made the fuck up, right, at the time I worked at the sports centre and I was like, first day of training,

we'd done training, like, on a semi-daily basis we'd done like training so it was just like kind of second nature of what to do in this situation yeah and um i instantly fucking uh take me um take my t-shirt off it was a henley's was you know when henley's t-shirts were the sequins and all that like overpriced sequin yes it was one Yes. It was one of them, right? And I fucking folded up and like fucking stemmed the bleeding with that, right?

And I started doing like a kind of top-to-toe search and check his fucking spine, put him in the recovery position when I think he's all right to move. And I just start like asking people, like, did somebody phone the ambulance? And does he have travel insurance?

If yeah, he's friends. You should, you know, like fucking sobered myself up to orchestrate this first aid incident right and it was just like

instantly this fucking weird fucking hero that had come with the blue right as this lad ends up in the ambulance and getting like

driven up the road with my t-shirt still attached to his head right and everyone was just like fucking thanking us and telling us it was amazing

and all that right and just this fanfare around us as I'd fucking sorted this kid out who was bleeding out on the pavement and then everybody

went back to the night route and you've left me with knee top on covered in fucking blood trying to figure out where the fuck me hotel is

oh man and this wagon runs anti-gun. It's not how it looks! It's usually like this, but not this time! Why? I fucking love that T-shirt and all at the time. I got bitten by a snake once on a walk home in Malia in Greece.

You must have have shut yourself. I didn't, do you know what I did? Because I thought, I didn't realise, I didn't, initially didn't realise, because again, it was a kind of thing, it wasn't that far a walk, I knew where I was going, but like, when you came off the strip, our hotel was kind of over that way, but you had, the roads went right the way around like that, so it was it was i mean it was like a good fucking 25 minute walk whereas there was a field but it was like a dry like dry grass field and you could just walk over like that i've seen you do this on my stag do yeah yeah yeah who needs roads you just walk off just over there over the prairie yeah so i just i was like that it's gonna

take at most 10 minutes for me to get right back to that hotel because I could see the sign on the top of it so I started walking back and then I just felt this thing

right on my ankle and I thought I thought it was like because it was quite jaggy grass I thought it was just a particularly bad bit that had gone in until you felt like

a ballad tune behind you I saw a snake fucking going away and then just got back in. It didn't poison him out like that though? Again, I get back at like three in the morning, so there's nowhere open.

So I just went, I looked. I mean, it was pulsing and it was red and I could see like a punctures. But then I asked the guy at the bar in the hotel the next day. Specialist. He was like it's like probably just a grass snake I seen

I seen me make up a biose snake and it was on his stag do and I'll be fairer and it was the you know when the animation team put like shit on

like the fucking get birds flying across the bar and all that yeah yeah yeah different animals it's probably like it's probably against the law in most countries

yeah yeah yeah it's probably like seen as cruelty to animals and I kept very well about that right but while we're here and they got like they got the stag open

they put the fucking snake around their neck and they're like oh it won't bite or anything and he was just like holding the snake he doesn't give a fuck and then it just fucking

latched onto his arm like that and me mate just went I thought you said they didn't bite and he panicked just more upset that he got lied to

can I believe anything that comes out of your mouth it's not the venom it's the betrayal aye you're the snake it's not the venom it's not the venom it's the betrayal so your youngin

fucking deleted everything off your phone because you can't even be mad at the youngin no no it's not his fault entirely not his fault because I was hating that but so like this morning

I've been on various doctor phone and shit like that where they, like, recovery things. But, like, you then go, because these kind of things, it's like with everything when you download programs from the internet. It goes, I will do that.

And then it does it. And then you go, right, I've got it all here. But to see it, it's going to cost you 80 quid and you go is it what i mean like that's a year's membership to dr phone's recovery service and i'm going to go that auto renews when i forget about it yeah i'm not going to need you again dr phone this year so i i am deleted me that i'll be dad's uni work off the PC once when he got made redundant and he was using redundancy money to put himself through uni

and I fucking I was trying to like upload some fucking flight simulator TFX or something like that and it needed more storage and I just thought I was like deleting shit

because I was like I was just figuring out I think it was was like deleting shit because I was like I was just figuring out like I think it was like on DOS or something like it was figuring out how to like create more memory on the computer

and I accidentally fucking wiped Ali's and he couldn't get it back? Nah Oof Nah and he was fucking livid with us

like I got grunted and that like I was but I was old enough to be punished for it you know like when it's a young'un, when it's your kid, they don't know what's going on.

Like, me brother's kid dropped his last phone during the toilet. Right, so that's just. And it's just like, she's like, well, that's on me. But, like, she was furious because she'd lost all her, like, communications with, like, lost relatives and all that. Like, she kept stored on there so she could revisit conversations and that and she's like that's gone

but like I can't blame the kid no of course not it's not the kid's fault you can't give a kid a phone that's the but when you're a teenager it's downloading TFX

so it can do fucking loop-de-loop in the TIE fighter TIE fighter the TIE fighter you know that you know that government Aeroplane

The Thai fighter The RF Thai fighter I had a I had a go I was around Typhoon is what I was looking for That was the aeroplane That's an actual plane

Because it was called the Eurofighter At the time But it got renamed the Typhoon I was around at Tom Stades The other day And he was showing me The Oculus

Oh yeah Because I've been Humming and hawing As to whether I get one And then Since I was around there I've been searching Is there a such and such

A game for And it looks Fucking Class It's so good Gav's got mine at the minute Because I Was just going to be collecting dust while I was in America.

I'll get it back off him and lend you it. Oh, no, I'm getting one. I'm definitely getting one, man. Get Vader Immortals. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck me. To be, right, there's a fucking rock over there or whatever, right,

and you just hold your hand out. Yeah. And eventually it starts vibrating and then you just fucking eat it. See, that's cool. Yeet it and knock a fucking stormtrooper off his hoverbike right but i didn't you can like get guns off a fucking stormtrooper's hip and then fucking fire the cunts yeah you're like say i was doing then you can just reach and grab it whatever hand you want to grab it with i because it was a boxing game he was showing me uh and because he was like

saying i just do this in the house now and then so i was like i wonder what other sports games there are there's like a fucking there's a baseball the house now and then so I was like I wonder what other sports games there are there's like a fucking there's a baseball game oh nice where you can do you can like you can swing

pitch field there's bound to be golf there's tons of golf ones and there's a climbing one where you climb the golf one you've just got to read

Tom Horton's gig I don't think there's a football one though because everything's at my body isn't it it's all your hands and your head that's the that's the moving parts

because everything I searched whenever I searched is there a football game on the Oculus Quest yeah it would bring up American football and that's you basically just being a quarterback

right which is quite yeah I've played one of them which makes sense because because as your hand and your name but how would you do how would you do a football game because it would need to be like a who need to be an upgrade and need to have um sensors that could be as well you're gonna need feet ones yeah and then how good is it really gonna be because if you're running down the wing you're gonna be running on the spot. So I'll tell you what I didn't like about the boxing one,

and it would be absolutely the same if you do the football, is like it never feels the same if you're punching the air. Aye. If you're shadow boxing, if there's any resistance on your fist. You're going to get that with a football if you're doing like air kicking. Aye, aye, exactly, yeah. It's not going to... Yeah, because you can't put your foot through the ball.

So it's like... Aye, yeah, yeah. Yeah, i like even getting the spin on it like the all the technique relies on a bit of resistance i i you're right i didn't even think about that with the box so it would i would i think with football it would be like a lot of technology for a little bit of an underwhelming experience yeah yeah so they've probably just found unless unless we can have a bunch of other shit like if they bring in if they bring the feet into play for a bunch of other stuff, like snowboarding would be pretty cool, actually. There is a snowboarding one, but I don't know how it works.

Or would snowboarding be cool, though? Would that be a game? Like, the way you put your hips into it and the way you move your body, you're probably just going to end up stacking it more than you would on a snowboard. Aye, aye, aye. Because, again, you're not meeting resistance. Aye, aye. Because you just overcompensate for a bunch of shit that should be coming at you surely snowboarding the contours of the snow dictate how you move on it so like you're saying with

the resistance if you hit a bit and yeah because your toe edge and heel edge like if you're slamming the brakes on you need to really like fucking turn the board aye and you're not going to be able to turn the board without gravity aye aye that so again there's what like what else would you need your feet for that would actually be good in this you know what take it right down to basics moving around your area the area that you're in aye but then again they can do that way ahead you can do that if you walk over there it knows to move you around the area that you're in because your head's moving

so that's already sorted aye I mean there are certain things that it does do well with would you like the haptic suits

on Ready Player One that can create pain sensations around where you get hit would you like to have actually real world repercussions

for impacts that you take ah that's interesting because you're never going to break your ribs with it no but you'll get like a little like i i mean i mean the the realism it would bring would be absolute class it then just depends afterwards if it's it becomes too painful have you have you watched porn yet i've not i've not i've only i've only i've only trapped the two times i've tried one three i did it i did it at states the other day with boxing i did it at danny's when he did that fucking thing where you walk off the building richie's plank challenge whatever that's that's one of the most terrifying things i've ever seen and i did at slossies before that was the old one he had which was the shark cage down

and that was awesome I mean that was proper awesome I don't know if I could do the horror games I think that would be a bit too much too much for you I mean

I'm trying to think because you know what I haven't really done much in the way of the horror stuff I had like a shot of something that my dad had

where there was like fucking pig's heads or pig's carcasses and shit going on and it was like fucking clown music and that my dad had where there was like fucking pig's heads or pig's carcasses and shit going on and it was like fucking clown music and I can't imagine what it was, but controlled environment, it wasn't that scary.

But then when I think of like how fucked up Resident Evil had us just on the telly, when I'm sat in the dark with it on the telly and there was moments. And actually just playing it on a screen. There's moments after the dollhouse where like I had to fucking just go into the kitchen and just remember,

remind myself what real life is. Yeah. And then go back into it just because like, I was so fucking captivated by the whole experience. If, if they got that level,

immersive, that, that could properly fuck with you. You would have moments where you just wanted to Yeah. take it off and go, right,

just a second mate. But, bizarrely, because I've always like I've always fancied one because the kids have had a go at one

and they there was like a Jurassic there's a Jurassic Park one where you come across a dinosaur and it bends down

and it comes right up to you like that so the kids loved that and they loved a there was a bizarre one where you could just visit different countries and you could just

wander about like a beach in Hawaii there was like a documentary one where it takes you through the rainforest and all that yeah see

so you're going down on a canoe doing Amazon and so they loved that and there's loads of kids games on it that look pretty cool like there's

one where you like run a farm and you walk across and like feed chickens and I know like the kids would fucking love that the thing that sold

me was I didn't know you could watch films on it oh yeah I didn't do it that often but there was a couple of times where I just put it in the yoga mat and lay on my back

because the only problem with it is it's a bit heavy on the front of your face but lay on my back and look up and put the screen up there and watch like

you know short stuff like Explained on Netflix yeah and you're just like you're just lying there just watching it like in this fucking mass fast

being in the biggest cinema in the world so aye so aye in the biggest cinema yeah in the world so aye but they haven't quite got the HD quality to it yet so when you're watching something

it's like it's grained yeah it's like if you know if you've got your projector on the wall and you go yeah yeah yeah

and you can see the little squares yeah or the pixels I quite like that yeah I like because I've got a

my wife brought me a projector from Boston last year and we were watching the old firm game the other day on it and I like the wee bits

the wee contours of the wall and the wee dirty bits and it feels like a proper yeah there's something a little bit yeah like it's vinyl to you

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you yeah yeah yeah you like hearing the scratches on a yeah before the music starts you can hear the you can hear the thing spinning

yeah I really do like that aye yeah it's got the same qualities yeah nice fucking hell

I'm floored for this podcast mate it fucking goes by quick have we got anything you got anything you need to plug do you wanna so is this going out

tomorrow it's going to go out right now for our patrons so we've still got early access but like I'm releasing my

special tomorrow oh amazing on YouTube so you can get it on YouTube yeah so it's free completely free and it's on

so if you basically if you just google search Mark Nelson comic and it's the same one it's the you basically if you just google search Mark Nelson comic and it's the same one the channel will come up it's the one I saw you do at the Fringe

last year that's the show it's fucking exceptional I can't recommend it enough to people listening so I'll that's three o'clock

that's going on YouTube tomorrow can I drop the link do it in the Patreon yeah man I'll send you one I'll drop the link in the Patreon

also follow Mark on social media at Mark Nelson comic on both Twitter and Instagram on everything at Mark Nelson

comic and he'll be posting about his new show so fuck yeah you've got that to get excited about tomorrow

and you've got a podcast called My Perfect Playlist mate thanks for coming on

pleasure as always and we'll get you on with me and Danny very soon that'd be class that'd be good right um thanks to everyone see you all on Thursday when I'm gonna be having a catch-up with Danny I've got um I've got a um a bone to pick with him as well so so get excited about that podcast