Sloss and Humphries On The Road - I've Got Loads of Friends!

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Direct from his European Tour Kai finds Daniel rattling around his big house to hear all about his swimming pool and golf simulator as he grows further and further out of touch from reality. Kai recounts his intense three week schedule and appreciates the time he used to have to himself while Daniel was on stage.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia

Where have you been since 9-11 so obviously right we've got the golf simulator whenever Cullen and Cullen transfer to a podcast we take Cullen up we let Cullen have

a fucking few balls he gets bored pretty quickly and then he gets to sit on my phone for half an hour we'll make Cullen play golf and then he'll occasionally

take putts for us or whatever yeah he'll just decide when he wants to be involved yeah yeah yeah because me and Cullen are having fun now Cullen is the most

unnatural, untalented golfer in the entire fucking world. I've seen him on. Stance of a penguin. Cack-handed. Yeah, but it seemed to kind of work. He had like his own thing

going on, but like, you definitely wouldn't like look at his mechanics and try and replicate it. No, and also, like coaches don't try and fix it. Like coaches will be like,

right, hold your club the right way, put your legs closely together, do this, and he'll ping off into the woods. And they'll be like right hold your club the right way put your legs closely together do this and you'll ping off into the woods and they'll be like can i just show you what it's like when i hit a cag handed and you hit it straight 150 yards which isn't much but we're shitty shitty golfers straight is more important than distance right so we're up there playing i go i'm so inconsistent i go between hitting the ball fucking straight as fuck exactly the distance i want to just be being gashed all the time.

Every single time he hits a drive up there, no matter what hole it's on, he's hitting it 150 yards. And he's like, 150 yards with a driver is unforgivable, right? You've got to be hitting... Is that really bad? Yeah.

For me, 150 is a nine iron, right? Which is like the lowest of the irons before you get to pitch a wedge, right? Even an amateur golfer, not straight, is hitting a driver. So he doesn't need a driver then, he's just playing off irons? What?

So he shouldn't be using the driver? No, no, he should not. He can't, no, he cannot. He should not be using, but every single time he's used the driver, because who gives a shit if it's not on a real golf course, he's hitting 115 in the final hole. And every and every time sorry every time we're doing a hole that's like he's got 140 yards

left i'm like looks like a driver to me just kind of like you're fucking trying to hit it for 300 yeah just take just take a little bit off your driver and you'll hit the fucking distance and then as a joke on the last hole it's a par three 150 yards and he went i'm doing it i'm using the driver and i'm dying laugh my ass off caleb's laugh and he doesn't know why but it's funny cunt takes the driver straight on the green within seven feet oh really you got it within a bin lid so that's what you've been doing with your retirement that's what you've been doing with your retirement also

nerd shit that you're the only person I think would appreciate I heard because I listened to the first half of your last podcast before I got on the flight and didn't have any signal

and hadn't downloaded it yeah I heard you just started Stormlight not even that nerd shit specifics of it I even think you'd be more into even though I don't think

it was technically your job oh is it what your text is about with the VR no three player multiplayer VR but you're doing that after this

okay because also after this is rush hour yeah I'm hanging here at like half six or something yeah you might want to you might as well fucking hang around

for a little bit no no VR spoke about podcast no no way nerdier and less fucking cool eh I've been testing pool water oh that's VR, spoken about podcast, no, no. Way nerdier and less fucking cool.

I've been testing pool water. Oh, that's my thing. I would do that. I would walk up to the pool and do like pH tests and all that. pH tests. How much chlorine is remaining, what do you call it? Like it's combined chlorine. So there's full chlorine and total chlorine. And then you work out how much is not being used and you're going oh that's all right and if

it's too much you like have to pump water in and dilute it otherwise people will get itchy skin yeah so full chlorine is yeah sometimes you do the testing and that's that chlorine's all attached because like each molecule chlorine will attach to a molecule of piss yeah or whatever's in there and it'll just attach to it yeah and then neutral Yeah. Or whatever's in there. Yeah. And it'll just attach to it. Yeah. And then neutralise it. Yeah. And then it's got to go out through there. There is not much of that spare. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that piss is going to seep into your bones. So total chlorine is how much piss soaked chlorine plus refreshed chlorine there is. And then if that's too high, you've got to make sure that your UV light is all fucking fixed. And you have like a balanced tank that you fucking put scoops of powdered chlorine

into it's more advanced than that these days well less I scoop and I put my thumb in the scoop and I shake it in the water

you just put it straight in the pool which is kind of like we were just putting it in the sink tank that was going to become pool water anyway I feel like a weird

fucking scientist so you've got to get some of the pool water out and then you've got to put the lid on and you've got to test it you've got to clear gotta clear it you gotta make sure it knows what the pool water's like then you gotta take a little tab of some shit right and put that in put that in put it in and then it tells you it's like like ultraviolet light or something shoots through

it's like all the alkalinity on this one's down so i'm sat there yesterday i've been taught how to do it i'm wanting to do it myself i'm learning other things not only am i learning to do it. I'm wanting to do it myself. I'm learning other things. Not only am I learning how to test it, I'm learning how to fix it myself. Right. And then, then Caelan's like, can I help? And anytime my son says, can I help?

I'm like, a hundred percent, man. Like most of the time, kids are just curious. And the reason they're annoying you is because they just want to be involved. Yeah. So I'm like.

So you've got him with a test tube, mashing up a tablet. And all the time, there's poison. Cause is that what you still do? You put like a little bit in the bottom and mash it up in the little bit

with the like plastic like thingy and then top it up yep you had him doing that so he's like a little chemistry kid

yeah yeah I made sure I had him cleaning out the things and he's got his wee fucking I've never worn goggles when I've done that ever

yeah but as soon as you introduce an infant into it you're like should you be wearing goggles because it's a concentrated, I don't know what that tablet is exactly. No, the tablet's the same.

Because that's not chlorine. No, no, no. So it's not like he's got condensed chlorine in the thing. No. He's not, also he doesn't have the strength to do this. I smash the thing and I let him shake it with the lid closed. He's mainly just taking pool water out and then hand it to me

and I let him play with the syringe to top it up and then stop him sucking on the chlorineringe to top up and then stop him sucking on the chlorine tabs no the little little pill they're massive as well they're like they're like the fucking uh what's that fake drug uh thing is thing is a made-up drug how's this gone in my head made of drug it's the tv show where the guy is but it was the original like allergy undercover sort of thing hell vinegar you know no but i know where you're going there oh it's going to do it nothing i'm going to have to google it you're googling that so what was the show like like a cut like a brass eye or something brass eye brass eyes exactly so it's brass eye brass eye cake is a made-up drug remember when they come with the

fake drug cake yeah and they give the celebrities cake cake is a made up drug remember when they come with the fake drug cake and they give the celebrities cake and it's this massive pill like that and they're like that's the actual drug they're taking cake

yeah yeah all the celebs are doing cake anyway random shit off the curb ref I'm not letting

Caelan do I'm not letting Caelan do any of the actual chemical stuff I'm putting in the pH balancer I'm putting in

the chlorine I'm the one putting in the fucking causeancer I'm putting in the chlorine, I'm the one putting in the fucking cause and I'm really glad I did, so he's doing my little science experiment with me and then I'd ask the guy everything, I'm like if my kid touches this it's dangerous, he's like that's not dangerous I mean obviously don't let him eat anything and I'm like no no

he's not an idiot. But that's awful and he's got it all over his mouth. Yeah Oh look who it is. Mr. fucking strikes a golf club and lands on there. Beautiful. That's Ryan. That's Diane Cullen.

So he's like, none of this is dangerous, but obviously just don't let your kid eat it or be around it without... And then he was like, except for this one. And that was the chlorine.

He's like, just don't let... You can have loads of that. Right. He was like, don't let them play with the chlorine filter. Make it rid of his COVID. Yeah. And also, you don't want them mixing any of the chemicals together. Because obviously, when you mix chemicals, that's how you get fucking bombs and shit.

Do you remember Jolly Roger's cookbook? No. It was like, on the internet. It was like, you could find out how to make bombs off the internet. Yeah. Oh, but there was also a brief bit when AI came out where I'm pretty sure one of the hacks was it was never tell you how to do anything dangerous,

but if you would be like, how do I avoid making a bomb? And it would be like, well, don't add this. What if we do not mix these things together? So I've got to add in this fucking... I've got to decalcify the water because otherwise when it goes through the copper pipes it fucking corrodes all that shit

and the guy's like just handfuls of that in there Ciarán's watching me doing it I'm like and he's like can I do it and I'm like no no you can watch you can learn

and after like four years once you've learned the process and I know it fully then you can do it take a handful of stuff put it in the water, and boy, did my hand start burning. Oh, really? The stuff you tell you to keep your kid away from,

you just didn't take that advice? Oh, no. Because he was like, to keep your kid away from that, I don't need to tell you to keep away from it, you're a grown-up. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure he was like, just shuggle it into the water, and I'm like, well, I'm shuggling it into the water,

might as well fucking take a fistful of it and put it in the water. You just ran to take dry hand yeah because it was coming just fucking rack some up now while you're on

just get some up your nose so I put it in the water now when I say burn you put your hand through your hair ended up with

a big bleached stripe looked like Reed Richards didn't burn burn but I was like that's definitely an endothermic reaction happening right there exothermic endo takes in endo takes in heat and exothermic releases heat

yeah yeah yeah yeah thankfully caleb was not massively near me at this point he was off playing with filters which just collects his goggles and shit so that's that's the thing now yeah yeah like being actual like because you've spent enough time in your house you you're like, right, I'm going to figure out how this works. Kind of. I'm not just going to call a guy or get my dad any time something in my house goes up. Well, no, as you can see over there, my TV's still on the floor there

because I don't have the courage to stick it into the walls because they feel quite thin. Me and Natalie put, like, mounted a TV on a wall and none of it felt right. Yeah. None of it felt like I should be doing it. You know, you're just, like, poking holes in your wall and that and you're just like i don't think there's cables here but like i'll find it the hard way but like people just diy shit like that all the time

i'm always fucking apprehensive yeah but i think that's the opposite of toxic incompetence is i think don't be wrong i think there are people out there who are just like you know my dad's maybe you're a lot of people from our parents' generation, right? I would even put fucking like- They'd be mortified at the idea of getting someone to do it. Oh, yeah. Like my dad titled his own bathroom without YouTube. Yeah.

Like- Went to the library, read up on it. He must have read up on it or just asked a few people and just fucking give it a go. And he said, it's still not finished. Don't get me wrong. That's like, I get me wrong that's a like I admire

any person that's like that there was also this brief aye I wish I was handy aye I wish they just taught us

how to be handy in school instead of handsy they taught you how to be handsy they taught you to come and do alright went to a catholic school for a bit didn't I

because in my it's like a monkey saying monkey do kind of thing. When I moved house, all my YouTube fucking algorithm, my shorts were just showing me people doing DIY. And I watched it the same way that I watch people cook recipes. I'm like, I can do that. I'm never going to. I'm never, ever going to do that. But I theoretically could do that.

And then I got really into this one chick who like her first video was just her being like uh I wanted to do all this stuff in my house it was going to cost me too much money to get an expert to do it and I said to myself how hard could it be men do it that just made me really laugh right and then every time every time she cuts the camera like a boyfriend comes and does it and then she starts the camera again. There we go. But she ended up literally just teaching herself everything. And she's like, I learned all of this from YouTube. It took me a couple of weeks. The first two months were kind of expensive

because you've got to make sure that you're buying the right saw. But that saw lasted 10 years once you learn all this sort of stuff. And to be fair, she turned it into a fucking amazing home. And the only thing I thought of the entire time I was watching this video has been like, I must be able to do it. No,

I was like, oh, fine. I'll get a woman in to do it. Yeah. I'll stop seeing a man in. Natalie is by far the more DIY minded in my marriage. Unless like she keeps getting someone run when I'm not there.

Yeah. I don't see.'s very very capable of when she applies herself to something but getting her to she's like me getting her getting her to apply to anything that she's not interested in is not impossible it's matter isn't it how like you can have in your mind just a tab that's open in your mind i'm gonna do this thing and that can turn weeks can turn into months can turn into years and like how long have I been

in my house? 2021? Yeah. Every time I put the bins out I'm like I've got to get a handle for this gate. Yeah.

I've got I fucking close it with a brick man I just put a brick there just put a brick there and if it's windy wedge the brick yeah

push the gate in wedge it with a pavement and every single time I date I'm like i bought the i bought the stuff i've got the i've got the lock i've got the handle yeah i think out of the gym i'm not using any of the machines yeah like you've done the hard bit you've done the bit that was holding you back yeah yeah it's getting a gym membership uh-huh and just going well that's me halfway there. And it's like, buddy, that's 2%. I cannot tell you how much protein powder is in my house. You know what? That shit, if you leave that too long, like, that gives you gas.

Gives you gas anyway. Yeah, but if you just go, right, I'm going to get back on the gym. Where's me three-year-old protein? Your thoughts are going to be continuous, just a continuous stream. The dream. Aye. The dream. Why not?

I'll never stop laughing. Yeah. Just laughing and farting. It's like how I want to spend my latter years, just in a nursing home, rocking back and forwards, laughing and farting on a continuous loop. Aye.

People being like, he told us not to pull the plug. He said he was very happy with his... Doing what he loves. Aye. The oxygen mask is connected to his arsehole and that's the bit that's fucked up

because there are sometimes when I like what I've really gotten into while at home is getting into like

making good ramen but like in a easy way because like I kept watching these videos of these amazing

fucking japs i don't know you can't call them japs but they're always blurred out though aren't they they're we noodles people can tell me the word japs is racist but i didn't serve in world war ii so i'm not using it in a racist way it's just shorter than the word Japanese Which is like also If we're not saying Jappy's hour If we put an I at the end But then again saying Pax would still be weird In Chinese you're getting close Chins

A couple of chines Got more chins That was a fat insult one where the Chinese got caught in the crossfire Which is a very good joke by the way If you can get past If you can get past what it is like some of them some of them jokes were class all right so watching all these videos these amazing jabs like and just making noodle making making look noodles so easy like they make the

stuff they fold it once they fold it twice they fold it twice, they fold it four times, they fold it eight times and they've gone from one noodle to 1,216 fucking noodles. And they throw it in there. Oh, so you're making noodles? No. So those are all the videos I'm watching where I'm like, fucking, I'm never making noodles, right? That's where I draw the line with cooking. You've got ingredients, which will be bread or pasta,

and then you've got people who make their ingredients. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be like, let's get off the making the ingredients bit. yeah so same thing with their fucking gyozas i love a gyoza i'm not putting fucking mince through a thing with other shit and then learning fucking origami i think if you're doing that because everything would take so long for you to have such like a quick mouth pleasure you know like the the what the amount of time you've got to put in to cook the thing to them eat the thing it's like such a big slice of the pie chart is the preparation i think for it to be doing that level of you've got to really enjoy it yeah i think

the knitting the mindfulness the leg doing the like you're treating cooking like crafts yes all right it's got to be a passion and it's not for me I just love ramen so after I get down that little fucking rabbit hole on a Jap YouTube end up getting to the real Japs right

the Japs that don't make their own noodles and they're like here's how most of us actually make our own ramen when we're at home and we want ramen what is

probably the pot noodle they get the ramen packs that you get in the shops right that's what you do is you take the sachet that they've got

you put that in you get a little bit of Japanese mayo Kewpie mayo which is like a fucking more miso based thing you put that in

egg yolk in that couple bits of seasoning all of it's your go to home you fucking whip that up meanwhile frozen gyoza they're like

by the way none of us care we all use frozen gyoza just use frozen gyoza you've just kept going until the algorithm went he wants ready meals yeah he wants ready meals let's just show him ready meals and now he thinks he's japanese but but you may but it's all it's it's all about all the stuff you add it's about how long you put the fucking noodles in and it's about when you put

the other stuff in and oh my god i make a really good gyoza ramen now and it takes like 15 minutes which is the dream right but it like it like feels real, feels good. Obviously it's nowhere near as good as the rest was. But that could possibly be how they're doing it in some of the places you go to. No, no, no. But it's how I believe like fucking Japanese people that are cooking at home,

like their comfort food, right? And I believe the Japanese comfort food. So you've just found a good middle ground of how to have a house ramen. Yeah. Who's ramen? Yeah, yeah. It makes me so gassy.

Oh, yeah. So gassy. Like, to... Now, here's the thing. Gaseous clay. That's what they call you. Yep. I do love the smell of my own farts.

Right? I think farts smell like soup. What? Your own farts smell like soup. Because, like, when you smell your own fart It just smells like soup When you smell someone else's It stinks

I've never done a fart That smelled like soup You know what you've been eating? Your soup? I reckon farts smell like soup What kind of soup? Like minging soup If it's someone else's

But like largely soup based Like vegetables Like volcano I get the theory That fart smell like soup. What kind of soup? Like, meck and soup if it's someone else's. Like, largely soup-based. Like, vegetables, like, volcano. But I get the theory that it smells like soup because it's an amalgamation

of different ingredients. I think it probably says more about me mother's cooking. Maybe because me mother's soup smells like fart. I don't think me mother's ever made soup. No?

Nah. Me gran-o was big on meck and soup, like, he used to call it, like, when he'd pat these, he would have, like,

a bit of a belly from the beers. He'd put it in, and. Caramel soup. He used to call it, like when he'd pat, he would have like a bit of a belly from the beers. He'd put it in, and there's me soup. I always claimed it was his soup. Was this your good granddad or your gross granddad? That's where I keep me soup.

Obviously me sound granddad. Aye. Gross granddad would be like, I'll spunk. I'll spunk. There's not enough of me balls. Just full of cheers. I'm just such a bloke.

Fucking every time I come i'm like i'm throwing rope yeah i guess i watch them like hey like i get fed the you the facebook fucking come on guy instagram reels of there there's this guy who like shows you like little like hacks and cleaning in the kitchen you're like take some bicarb, put it in a zip-fresh bag, put in some vinegar, put in that, and then tie it to the shower head, and then he time-lapses it, and you see all the black shit falling out of the shower head. But he'll do it in a really nippy video.

And I'm like, oh, I'll save that, and I'll do that when I get home. Never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to do that. Like, you know what'll happen with me? The shower head will get so black, I'll get one of your new shower heads. I'll suggest doing that for about know what'll happen with me the shower head will get so black I'll go out with a new shower head 100% I'll suggest doing that

for about five years before I get one yep like I often catch myself like because me and Carol

are on a similar level we've done well in the fact that we've split up like the house chores right but we're both as lax with them like she'll not

bring up the fact that i've not brought the laundry that she does up to the bedrooms for two weeks now she'll not bring that up because she knows i'll bring up the fact that she's not putting in the fucking dishes i washed away right oh yeah so and also like most of the time everything's upset when the clothes are upstairs we've got to go upstairs to get them we get kids dressed downstairs it's kind of more convenient sometimes for it to be down there also when all the dishes are out there if we don't have guests over we're only washing the same fucking plates like sometimes you need a guest sometimes you get right sweet guests are coming like both of us just like get this who's nice

and then we'll have a nice house and go We should live like this That's how we should live Because I fell in love and married someone so close to me In terms of like the Occasional squalor That you're just willing to live in I do catch myself thinking I wonder what it would be like

If I actually married someone Who was actually super clean all the time And whether that would like irk me Would that make you like if they were like cleaning up and then not expecting anything from you would just feel like you had stuff yeah yeah but then but then that would come with guilt yeah so then you'd probably use that guilt to step up yeah but then i then i think i'd feel fucking annoyed about it like i just want to play playstation man why am i doing this all the time yeah and there'd be there'd be stuff where like if i was with somebody super clean and they're fucking annoyed about it. Like, I just want to play PlayStation, man. Why am I doing this all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I doing the garden now?

Yeah, and there'd be stuff where, like, if I was with somebody super clean, they're like, oh, if you put bicarbonate in a bag of vinegar and put it on the fucking shower head, I'd be like, I'm going to lose my fucking mind here. Aye. Goodbye.

Next thing you know, she's like, oh, bicarbonate vinegar, black shit coming out of my teeth. Then every time I catch myself thinking that thing, I feel like, I wonder what it would be like if I actually married someone who's much every time I catch myself thinking that thing I feel like I wonder what it would be like if I actually married someone who's much cleaner

I wonder how often that thought crosses my wife's mind I wonder if we're just in separate rooms in the house finally doing this fantasising

watching watching fucking porn videos with maids in them that's the old old school porn videos start making a comeback also

I should be the cleaner one at this point because she's breastfeeding That's the old school porn video star making a comeback. Also, I should be the cleaner one at this point because she's breastfeeding. Oh, yeah. She's on, she's... Yeah, you're her caddy right now. Like, you should be just making her life just smooth as possible.

Oh, yeah, but I'm doing that by fucking taking care of a terrorist, man. I've got a fucking almost three-year-old. That is true. You are playing, you are playing FIFA with Matty on an evening. Okay. Well, because here's's the here's the thing with cara's like once and this is this is what we used to do she said once the

kids are in bed we'll tell you the house and i'm like yeah absolutely i love my son he's the fucking tits when he's in bed i need to shut the fuck down i just need to turn off she's like should we clean and i'm like She's like Should we clean And I'm like I'm like If we wait If we live two more days in Squalor The cleaner turns up

Like And then I promise Oh yeah Have you considered What your life would be like If you couldn't afford a cleaner Or if it wasn't in your budget Oh yeah

And you had to actually Do work All day Well I mean It would have to be Like people have it really hard But So here's the thing is i don't mind uh cleaning and i think when when our baby girl's older it'll be better

like i can happily clean for two hours because i can just listen to a fucking critical role podcast and clean but problem is i can't clean for two hours in a row because i can't lump her with a baby that she's breastfeeding and a three-year-old that's a, almost three-year-old that's running around all the time. Like, I can do that for maybe like half an hour, 45 minutes at a time. Two weeks at a time if you're running. Aye, aye.

Just, it's, it's not bad. When I say squalor, it's not like we used to live before we had kids. But obviously we now clean way more than we used to because we have children. But because we have children, the house is still at the same level because they destroy the place. Good thing is, though, we've got a separate... There's a kids' playroom, which is separate to the fucking living room.

Yeah, I see. A living room's not just like all the toys are spilled out of it. You've contained that shit. Yeah. Kitchen's normally fucking clean. There's just because I I feel bad when like well not bad bad

but like I feel like I could be at home helping when you know when I'm away I just like spend three weeks on the road and like

Natalie's like just making sure she's either looking after the dog or the dog's got care and this is just a dog this isn't kids and then like

she's got the business as well but like also trying to keep on top of the house and like when I'm home I can just make that really smooth for her like I can's got the business as well, but like also trying to keep on top of the house. And like when I'm home, I can just make that really smooth for her.

Like I can just keep the house nice and like I'm there for Peggy. And like, like just when I go away, her life gets harder and there's no kids involved. So that must be fucking like mad trying to do a job where you work away with children. Oh yeah. I can't imagine going on tour anytime like soon.

Mind you When When Ayla's older It'll be different Cain will go to playgroup A little bit more Be away during the week I guess that's it

When school acts as a babysitter For a lot of the time Oh so Cara doesn't She's too proud She's too wanker She doesn't ask for help Nah Nah

She won't get like Parents around and that Friends around Nah I would be I'm working classes as a fuck And I'd just be like Yeah you're coming to mine

I need a hand with this right so right so Laura's so Gareth Stagdew is in fucking

whenever it is right does he know I think so but he also doesn't there's no way he doesn't listen I don't imagine he's listening to this

but like we still don't want to give it away but whenever it is I'm going away for three four days. Coming back, Cara, just doing that fucking solo, right?

Wouldn't cross her mind to ask for any help, get anyone down. Even though my mum is continuously like, please ask for some help. We'd love to see our grandkids more. Even though her parents, whenever they can get down, are desperate to fucking get down. Cara's like, I can do it myself. I absolutely am. Cara is going away on Laura's hen do

and I phoned her parents and I'm like you're coming down for the weekend and you're staying until your daughter's back and Cara's like you can do it by yourself

I'm like I probably could but I'm not embarrassed by asking for help I don't feel any shame by going having two kids versus one

is difficult if I can change this to three versus two I'm doing that why would you have like I'm not King Leonidas standing in the middle being like

I can fucking take on these unassailable numbers I'm going to do this alone for the sake of pride I'm like get both sets of grandparents over I can do my Warhammer I can play some golf

and I'm babysitting you now yeah because it's like there's people out there man that don't have that over, I could do my Warhammer, I could play some golf. And I'm babysitting you now. Yeah, because it's like, there's people out there man, that don't have that support structure and would love it. And to have it and not use it. Yeah, yeah. Because as well, I'm kind of going ahead and say, and Dave and Eileen,

I know, your mum and dad, they're not going to feel put out to come and hang out with their grandkids. They would like it way more. Mm-hmm. Aye. Dave and Aileen live up in Aberdeen, so they can't get down as much

because they're still working. Obviously, both my parents are working, but the drop of a fucking hat, if you gave them a, you know. Give them heads up. It's a long weekend. Oh, yeah. They'd be ahead.

That's when you come down. Aye, so I've been on tour without you. That was when you come down. Hi, so I've fucking, I've been on tour without you. That was weird, wasn't it? I know, that'll teach you. Getting rogue. I had a fucking nice time, but I tell you what I,

what I didn't appreciate for you until I'd done this tour is how much I've- Is how annoying tour supports can be? Nah. That kind of was grand. That tour, I was like, you're on stage. is how much I've had. That's how annoying tour supports can be? Nah. That kind of was grand. That two hours that you're on stage,

I've missed that time. Oh yeah? That was my time, that. You know, that was the like, you've got the flight, you've got the

checking into your hotel, you've got the getting to the venue and then it's when I've done my set and you get on stage, that is when I can just like read a book or watch some stuff and there's nothing else on my mind it's not like i'm fucking thinking about me next thing i'm just like fucking like there's nothing no cpu usage going on in my head apart from whatever i'm doing watching

football or watching a film or something and i like missed that time. But then on the flip side, it did appreciate me that I would always do the sound check and do the setting up the podcast because I still had to do that as well. So it's not like I got to just get to the venue and sit down and have a sandwich. I had to get to the venue and then try and get the sound check translated,

which I'm used to doing. If anyone's gonna do that i'm the one because i've done that for so many years um but i i just uh i just felt like it's a bit more relentless when you're doing the main spot yeah i guess i'd never fucking consider the time on stage because i mean i do 90 minutes on stage plus the interval you know what I used to question why you ended up doing 90 minutes

I was like 90 minutes just feels long like I didn't complain because I'm watching a film it's perfect like for time for watching a film backstage but I just felt like

like how do you not get to an hour and then just feel like yeah it's doing too long and man just watching me fucking show just expand and expand and not want to drop anything over the course of this tour and the last one I did there feel like yeah it's doing too long and man just watching me fucking show just expand and expand

and not want to drop anything over the course of this tour and the last one i did there was like an hour and a half and i was like all right i i get that now because at the fringe you've got no choice the fucker there's your slot there's somebody on after you like you've got to hit that hour so like you're drilled at the fringe but when you're on tour you're like oh they've come to see me there's no care if you're in the building like the fuck and also you're drilled at the fringe but when you're on tour you're like oh they've come to see me there's no curfew on the building like they're fucking they're still laughing and also you're not going to be fucking back there

for like a year or two depending on well I mean you might be back there next year but yeah I think I'm going to do it next year you know I'm almost certain

I'm going to do it next year because I want to do it every two years but I need to get out of the sequence of the football tournaments I need to get on our numbers.

So if I do 2025, that means I can do 27 and so on. Aye. Not worried about the rugby World Cup? I don't think they're going to have that many. There you go. Going for a wonder. So I haven't smoked a vape, a cigarette, a schnooze. I haven't smoked a schnooze for sure.

In just over six weeks now. Why? Because I stopped a couple, I think I might have mentioned, a couple of weeks before the Maldives. Because I didn't want to be smoking on holiday and I also didn't want to be angry on holiday. And then I just managed to keep it going throughout the tour. And I've been using the app.

And I have saved you approximately 300 pound in vapes it tells us how much i've saved you from putting a vape i have got to go back on the fucking i got down to like the seven milligram patches and then oh yeah you were patching up last time i saw you and it was going well but then with all the writing stuff i've been doing It's been fun It's not been fucking stressful But just like Sitting down for two Fucking hours at a time And writing

I was just like I need I just need something So I ended up fucking back on it Oh yeah It was actually I'm not saying it's hard

Like I passed the Big challenge Of doing the Balkan countries And Turkey Where everybody smokes yeah not just like the occasional smoker but just you got into a restaurant you want smoking and unsmoking and the people that you're with say smoking yeah right and then like like everywhere

just backstage at the comedy club and all that just sparking up um managed to not even feel the hand on me back pushing us to bum one i got i got through that neighbor and also i think that might be like the longest stretch i've done in the balkans because we've dipped in and out a handful of times but like i was there for quite an extended period of time and like driving between man i got driven from romania by a romanian man and dropped off at the bulgarian border and picked up by a bulgarian i think we've done that drive before but we went right through yeah but i got like dropped off at the border and picked up by a Bulgarian. I think we've done that drive before, but we went right through. Yeah. But I got like dropped off

at the border and picked up by someone else. And I've never felt more like I was role playing being human trafficked. It was like fucking, I'm going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice

with fucking abdominal stitches. Along with the drives. Any minute. That one was quite a big one because it was an hour and a half to get from Bucharest to the border. And then it was about four hours to get to Sofia. But it was one was quite a big one because it was an hour and a half to get from Bucharest to the border and then it was about four hours to get to Sofia but it was one of the guys who

I'm glad he reminded us because I wouldn't have remembered went to that nightclub where Matthew Ellis was there and we're pouring bottles of vodka into our mouth because I found the videos you know and you can go on location and zoom in I found the videos of we're just like straight shooting like dentist chair and vodka and I paused the video and zoomed in and there because he looks a bit like Aguero

it's just Aguero in the background of the video and they are fucking hell nice so that was 2018 that was the night you found out

about your Netflix specials so the guy that come to pick us up I didn't recognise him straight away but he reminded me that we're fucking partied hard that night

so that was a bit of a throwback when did you get married were you married that was that yeah you got married 2018 uh-huh also so i got married in september 2018 oh no it must have been 2017 no this is where i got it wrong it wasn't the year you got your netflix it was the year after it was the one where we came back because you are the comedy club the first time and I saw I got that mixed up completely and where was I go with that Romania was me and yeah I was just sake it's

it's amazing like everyone's just fucking so funny like you know remember remember Sasha there to our manager and think just just the way they carry themselves just cracks us up. He was like, he lent us his charger. And he was like, oh, can I get my charger back now? And I was like, nah. And then he just went, do you think you're stronger than me? Like a big slapping accent. Just say that.

Do you think you're stronger than me? Just like instantly there They've had war Too nearby In both like region and time frame To not so be terrified Oh yeah he was in it Like the last episode

That isn't out yet I've just recorded it But it'll be out before this one The last episode was just me and a Croatian comedian Just talking About fucking sasha's war stories because it's uh it's just like it's unbelievable like he's talking about it like it was yesterday yeah it was 30 years ago so he would have been like in his 20s or something i would have used the war was he yeah who were they fighting sabia hi but i didn't know that at the time. I feel like I'm repeating myself from two days ago,

but when he was telling us the stories about war, I didn't know what the war was. I don't know. I knew there was independence things going on with Yugoslavia and the countries broke up and everything, but because he was telling us in such graphic detail about what was happening on the floor, I didn't want to just like wield my ignorance at him

Serves for the bad guys right? To him yeah Yeah And also to the world I think because that's the America I got involved in because I'm a fucking sucker push didn't I?

Yeah Aye Aye I think they were Not that anyone's dead sound in war I'd like to know a bit more about them countries

because like I have to spend a bit of time there it's fucking I reckon it's cool as fuck I love it Like like my opening line was always about fucking every it's mad such a magical place everything that meets the eye needs fixing it's just in disrepair it's in proper disrepair um so bulgaria the fucking i don't think we discovered this when we were there but they nod their head for no and they shake their head for yes Oh really?

Is it like the Australian Yeah no Nah yeah But that's pretty jarring Oh Not like the Indians who just fucking Shake their head the whole time Means yes sir

Just happy the whole fucking time That's a fucking big year We've had like If we're thinking of The wrap on this year Because like We started off Remember

We did that tour Of Scandinavia And we had the Cryo chamber thing With Buran That was that trip And then we did India

Shortly after that Then we did Turkey Altitude Oh yeah Before India We did Greece and Turkey As like New territories Yeah India shortly after that then we did Turkey Altitude oh yeah before India we did Greece and Turkey

as like new territories yeah oh no we did Greece before Greece before em then Altitude and then that big

tour of America yeah and then fucking I just come back and just got straight back on the grind again and just top and tail the air with a big European tour

yeah I've not done I mean not including Dublin And London Like the October shows Oh yeah The

The Have a word roast Yeah yeah I've not done Shit since Nah Fucking 20th of May Still not interested

Everyone's asking after you like Are they? Everyone's just wondering If you're going to do another show Or like what your plans are And stuff And Asking I think it'll be a while depends if like if the writing stuff takes off then i think i'll just fill up enough of my diary that i don't but i cannot i've never felt less funny nah nah i have nothing to say and also the stuff I do have to say doesn't belong on stage I'm like I'm not like

I I'm not going on stage and being a dad comic I'm just not I'm not doing this myself aye even like even like when people

are listening to this podcast now it's just so out of touch with the rest of the world that you're like talking about your golf simulator on your house and then you're talking about you're trying to get by

until the cleaner gets here yeah yeah yeah and all that stuff is so like it's so not in touch with the people and the people are buying the tickets so you you need to do something to try and reconnect and get your feet on the ground yeah yeah because you're having a nice time but like but you're just floating off from the real world yeah a little bubble swimming pool chlorine tests and shit. It's a fucking... I know, but touring doesn't bring you down to earth. Like being picked up from airports and being on tour buses

and, you know, being away and being angry at airport staff. That's not the fucking real world. The real world is being a parent. And I'm sure I could catch some fucking fresh light on that but at the moment i'm just like right fucking last really good show i did was x last two shows were fine right next one has to be really good it can't just be another fucking straight down the middle bang average show and because you know i'm not doing a parent show and i know legacy is not important i remember

watching mike tyson before his fucking jake paul fight being like chatting with child being like legacy is a myth legacy is all ego you would say that you're doing cognitive cognitive dissonance it's because you've thrown yours away yeah i'm like you are shitting on your legacy you absolute fucking mental case by going into this bout justify it to yourself do you know do you know where the time sour grapes comes from the fox that couldn't work out how to get the grapes he was couldn't get his cunning so he just decided he didn't want the grapes because they're sour no this is the sour grapes from mike tyson i didn't want the legacy them grapes are sour hi

my legacy's still a bit important to me, which is silly, but I feel like... Die then. I can't. Are you going to sit here and chat to me? Yeah, I can't. Can I die and fucking cement your legacy? No, the kids aren't on the right path yet. That's when you can do it.

Without me, they'll get issues, they'll need therapy. You see, we're writing a show. Right. I've done 10 shows now. That's my 10th one so have i caught up with you yet are you at 10 i'm on fucking 11 you're two years of career ahead of me and i've only dropped two fringes uh x was my 10th show that's why it was called x right so you're on 12 yeah so there's two there's two years of career between them.

Of them 10 shows, there's only been two that I've done where people have stood up to clap at the end. And that's the How To Be Happy speech in the Punch Drunk finale. And when I was writing this show, I was racking my brains on, is there a way I can just fucking tie this up in a way that's going to make people fire up their seats? If the show's in the fucking perfect environment, obviously you're not trying to get a standing ovation at every gig, but could it be capable of a standing ovation?

I just couldn't find anything in my head to try and end with that bang, with that fucking boom at the end. I don't know if you can find it does it just come to you that which is it's got to be something that you're fucking you know passionate about right dark was i was trying to get rid of my fucking young fucking comedian image and i was like well I've always wanted to do the dark fucking atheist angry fucking shit and passionate about

dark humour I think everyone who's offended by it is a fucking loser and also we should all be able to talk about death and disability you should be able to joke about everything was passionate about that ended up writing dark Jigsaw had a toxic relationship with an horrible evil witch got out of it was like nobody else

should have to go through this again like and it's like way more relatable than you would like to have been yeah people need to like get out of fucking horrible toxic relationships and i was passionate about people who were in shitty relationships acting like they were in a happier place because they were settling for some ugly fucker because they couldn't get anything else. So I wanted to yell at those pieces of shit dead. That was a good show. Socio.

Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't really touch, but anything really, I guess there was some, yeah. I in the middle, fun.

I X friend got raped by another mate was passionate about that not being cool so yeah there's something to get across yeah yeah and also had to reassess my whole fucking attitude so it was like okay well this is something i'm passionate this is something that i've learned about uh i can write a fucking dead good show um after this then you know dead and then hubris there was a bit of passion in there you know it was just like i'm just my passion was i'm just going to go off the rails here i'm just going to be fucking silly and uh and dumb what was what was the because the last the last one can't that was the childbirth show yeah that like had like that had that was a bit more thematic but what was hubris was that thematic at all no no that was just bits it's just bits yeah uh can't was originally meant to be like

how you can't fucking say anything anymore even though you absolutely fucking can and only the talentless say that um and then obviously can i give birth and it was fucking traumatic and that became 45 minutes of the show so i guess it sort of became that and then also i do feel like a lot of my shows just basically because of the fans i've got they want to hear about my life right because obviously not all of them listen to this so they want some sort of update on my life but i can't just do a show about fucking the birth of ayla i've done the birth show right you know i've got i will be passionate about something again there will be something there has every one of your shows been like a one-word title uh no early doors there was teenage kicks in my generation oh yeah

so maybe maybe it's like time for a new phase maybe you've done your one word show phase and now it's time for the phase of like taking my tuna fish to the grave oh become one of those fucking one of those fucking quirky bags of bags i thought it was funny when rod gilbert did it the first time what was that like the fucking the baton the flamin battenberg or something the flamin battenberg tattoo it was something and then there was just like this spawn of just like random collection of words hi um well i thought i had the idea for my next well at least the idea for the name of the show was going to be mud M U D. Cause that's like marijuana usage deficiency,

which is like the woke way of describing a fucking stoner. I, because obviously there's negative connotations with the word stoner. So we're going to try and empower people by changing the word. It's like, well, people are just going to call you mud then. and I,

so I was like, i could talk about diction um and that can maybe get into that like that's if you start talking about addiction and get that audience that's gonna be that's gonna be a different fucking uh queue of people waiting to see you like at the end of the show yeah also you're gonna be like the fucking ref cute jogging on the spot waiting to tell you how much you mean to them. There's also like, I've definitely said this on the podcast before, and it's also a fucking joke that would be in the show, but,

and I know this is wrong, right? Because, you know, any type of addiction, whether it's fucking alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, whatever,

addiction ruins life. It's a fucking mindset. It's something that happens to you, right? It's something in your brain that goes, this where i get you know something good from and even though that reduces over time i just want that feeling regardless to the detriment of fucking everything else calling yourself a drug addict when you smoke weed all the time it's like it's like being racist to the finish. Nobody gives a fuck.

It's not. Racism is awful. Racism is really bad. More like hell stinky. Yeah, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck if you're racist to the finish, man? I don't even think the finish would care. They're busy building up their army for Russia about to invade. They're busy, right?

They got stuff on their mind. They couldn't give a fuck about just like, hey, guys, guys guys too much fish in all your meals they're like all right cool guy if you marijuana addiction's a fucking you know uh real thing you know didn't ruin my life but fucking dragged me down for several years i'm sort of glad i'm past it ish now in a shop quitting cigarettes exactly aye aye man it's just not

man it's the equivalent of doing a dead dog show aye right my grandad died my dad died my grandad I was really

close to he's dead my mum died my brother died my fucking sister died I had snuffles for 12 years like fuck off man you're not getting

fucking grief at me for a dead fucking dog I'm sad for you even though that that would be like fucking a like I can't believe how much I used to

take the piss out of Barry when his dog died I was like oh now we've just got another thing to attach memes to with Barry because he's hard to insult

yeah now I'm just like oh I should have had more compassion but yeah like that's something that you like you deal with that mate it doesn't fucking because it was hard to insult. Now I'm just like, oh, I should have had more compassion. But yeah, that's something that you deal with that, mate. It doesn't make like a 45 minute fucking lull buster. Yeah, look,

I still love stand-up. There's no way I'm done. There's no way I'm fucking finished, right? I love the feeling of being on stage. I love the feeling of writing fucking jokes. I'm excited about writing new bits and like going through that process again i really fucking enjoy it but you know there's just the same way i know the second i start writing fucking jokes stuff's gonna be start putting in the fucking diary and then you the second that ball's rolling

a tour's on the way and i'm just you just want to keep that door locked for a little while yeah just for a little bit and also like I've got this I've got so many friends now right show off you've been away right

I've been lonely see you're doing solo podcasts Daniel I've been watching you you've got no friends people can't handle Cullen once a week we can barely handle Cullen once a week we can barely handle cullen i've got friends from around the world who are like their careers have fucking taken off milo's one of them got a couple mates in america whose careers are fucking kicking off and like a lot

of them are coming to me just for like advice because I've obviously had different stages of my career where like things have blown up and they're like, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with this? And I'm like, buddy, I didn't fucking deal with it. I didn't.

Yeah, yeah. That's me. I'm the one that's dealt with it the worst. I'm like, I used to drink a bottle of whiskey on stage at night. Yeah, yeah. I just made booze.

Booze is the answer. Tell your fans to bring weed and get a bottle of whiskey backstage. Oh, and a bottle of gin. Yeah, yeah bottle of whiskey backstage oh and a bottle of gin yeah yeah yeah and sometimes you would go through both yeah i drank heavily i toured too much i fucking destroyed my mental health i've gone through four fucking therapists i don't i don't know why you're coming to me all dead all killed themselves in front of me and that's why i had to go to therapy for the next one. I'm like, he did it right in front of me. And they're like, uh-huh.

Uh-huh, did he? I can't imagine. You had to, like, call the police and then watch it on the Zoom call as the police turned up. The paramedics and everything. I don't think this is helping. Your version's nicer. Because in your version, the reason I don't stop them killing themselves is because I'm doing it on a Zoom meeting. That's way nicer than my bed which was I'm just so caught up in my problems that they're killing themselves in the same room as me and I'm like oh well

and I'm like I imagine this is going to come up next time so they keep asking me for all this fucking advice. And I'm like, my advice is I'm like, slow down, slow fucking down. There's a voice in your hands. That's telling you that because you've waited so long for the success,

there's a voice in your head. That's telling you that it's all going to be taken away. Right. That it's all going to fucking disappear if you stop. And that's not fucking true. What if your advice is unique to you and you were like, right, your advice was to somebody

who's just had two Netflix specials released, right? It's not going anywhere. It's on fucking Netflix. People are going to be watching that. You can chill out, right? You're giving this advice to people who are like fucking trying to snatch the attention

of the internet with like 90 second clips. Maybe they don't need to stay relevant because nobody's just going to stumble across them on on netflix no no no not this the second touring gets involved i disagree yeah because people want to see you again they'll come see you again they're engaged if you if you ever like what milo's done right if milo's going out with a fucking shit show on that tour right if he'd done what like fucking youtubers do when they do stand up right yeah oh yeah right they do a shit stand-up show people go and see like oh you've got a return

ratio of 30 next year milo is really fucking good at stand-up so people that come out and not expecting to be that good will really enjoy a show so i'm like i'm like to my i'm like take two years off i guarantee you when you go back to these places that audience will still be there because and he's like how would you know you've never taken two years off and i'm like i mean that's a good point yeah but i'm just saying you could i wish yeah yeah but so at the moment to myself i'm like i do not believe and because i had that fear in my head after netflix i had that fear in my head after fucking x i'm being like this will all go away this will all disappear all of the all your dreams have

come true and if you stop fucking hitting the iron it's going to fucking go cold and i'm like maybe i'm wrong also i think maybe i'll be i think there'd be a little bit of that go okay if it if it does peak here this is a pretty high peak and if i go back down to there that's fine it's going to be a little bit of a psychological adjustment but like if you if you can go for like you know say if you like like british got talent does it to everybody there you go and you can fill fucking, like, you know, say if you're, like, like, British Got Talent does it to everybody. There you go, and you can fill fucking big theatres now with 2,000 people. And then, like, that dies due because the public are fickle, and now you're playing comedy clubs again.

But at least you're filling a comedy club on your own name. So, like, if you can just do the adjustment, and, right, if this is a flash in the pan, it's fucking cool. I'm not just going to wax it all. I'm not going to adjust my quality of life to need this constantly and, like, put some of it away Pay some money off your house Then that spike could just be like

Oh remember when I got that fucking windfall Back in 2018 Yeah I think the fear of dropping off Is probably worse than actually dropping off Yeah, yeah I've not been able to adjust it I agree

Aye And also there might be the case When I go back on tour In a year or two And maybe there are Negative effects To taking this much time off Especially if the next show Is a fucking stinker

Right And then do another show Too quick after the fact Four years time Maybe my career goes down Alright Aye I had a really good

Ten years there Aye I had a really good Ten years And then you know what If you're filling Birmingham Glee When you're going back to Birmingham That's a fucking nice room

You'll probably start enjoying the actual gig itself a bit more if you ended up in like big comedy clubs yeah and then also it's waves like and then once you go down

to that fucking size again you know you start you get hungry again you get fucking passionate again also like I mean you know

I don't have a mortgage aye that's it you don't need it you can do it for the sport yeah back to what you were saying about the TikTok that's not having don't need it you can date for the sport and back the way you're saying about the tick tock that's not having a show but having an audience

and coming in right and one of the best comments I've ever had was I did a comedy club in Amsterdam so I performed at Comedy Cafe and after the show there the owner of the comedy club I think oh man it's so good to have a fucking road comic come and do a show somebody that's actually learned that craft you know because it was always youtubers and tiktok as on and i have to fucking watch that he's like it's he was like it was such a compliment from again oh you actually learned how to do it first before you brought an audience here thank you and he was like it was just like like i was like you know when people give you compliments or great show or whatever that was a compliment where i'm like oh that's i'm having that one i'm taking that one here's a question for you so australia

is now banning social media for under 16s okay right uh so first of all tinder's gonna be shit um no but i fully agree with that by the way I think it should But also just get rid of it Delete the internet Just delete the internet Let's get rid of it Let's just delete the whole fucking thing

I like the idea of What they did with the Oasis In Ready Player One Where you just couldn't be on it On a Wednesday Start with that There's no internet on a fucking Sunday or something Like just make that

the new Lord's Day I mean it's the old Lord's Day but make that make that be what Sunday means it's like look fucking

none of us have social media on a Sunday I said this on one of the fucking solo podcasts you're not allowed on the internet

anonymously anymore everything every account that you've got is directly it's your full fucking name it's your address it's your phone number and also and also everything everything you've got is directly it's your full fucking name it's your address it's your

phone number and also and also everything everything you've ever posted is whatever you post let's say you do one fucking yelp review two stars because you didn't like this fucking restaurant somebody can click on that find out where you live where your post from eight years ago on facebook wire what you've been doing on twitter for the past couple of years because we've got to find out who you are, right? If the internet is going to become society, back in the days

before the internet, when you lived in a small fucking community, right? And everyone was able, had free speech around each other, talking away, blah, blah, blah.

So everyone, you could turn up in this new village, like, hey, this is a lovely place. Like, yeah, it is. See that Dave, he's a fucking liar.

He lies about fucking everything. Watch him. Do not listen to what fucking Dave says. Dave didn't get to go back in his Dave, he's a fucking liar. He lies about fucking everything. Watch him. Do not listen to what fucking Dave says. Dave didn't get to go back in his house, put on a fucking mustache, come out, call himself Dave194

and be like, I have no idea who the other Dave is. And then just start a new fucking business. So you reckon like full regulated, you need a passport

to log on. 100%. Fucking scan your passport when you log on and all your details are behind everything you're saying. I, man, yeah.

I believe in freedom of speech. That's some kind of totalitarian thing though, isn't it? I believe in freedom of speech. I don't believe in freedom of anonymity at all. But it's like,

I say it's totalitarian, but you can't just fucking get in a car without fucking giving all your details of who you are in case anything fucking like treacherous happens

when you're in control of the vehicle. If you were going to be a person, if you get to be a person of influence right we have to see what your influence has done in the past right in the same way that restaurants have reviews right in the same way that like fucking everyone like most professional jobs have a fucking track record that are looked after right you have people online who are incredibly fucking influential and there's no like even though they've lied so much in the fucking incredibly fucking influential and there's no, like,

even though they've lied so much in the fucking past openly and freely, there's nothing. If you Google their name, it doesn't, the first 50 results aren't, this person is a fucking liar. They're able to whitewash that part. And they're just like,

Hey, it's this funny, wacky guy who does this shit. Number one thing should be like, here's the 90 fucking lies they've told. There's a great news thing, because I'm not reading the news, but there's a newsletter I subscribe to called Tangle, right?

And what they do is they... I'm not reading the news, but I've got a newsletter. Yeah. Which is a letter about the news. Because... I'm not reading it, but... This new... Tangle go through all of the right-wing media and they go through all the left-wing media

and they go, this is what the right-wing are saying, this is what the left-wing are saying, this is what we think, this is what we can do from this, and they go through all the left wing media and they go this is what the right wing are saying this is what the left wing they're saying this is what we think this is what we can do from this and it's straight down the fucking middle and the first thing they do the first thing they do in every fucking email before they tell you any of the news stories is here's what we got wrong in the last thing here's corrections we said this this was a mistake it was actually this we said this this was. Also, this is the third mistake we've made in this quarter. The other two were this ones and all that stuff. Every newspaper, the front however many pages,

should always be, here's the lies we told in the past fucking week. The corrections. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they do put corrections in, but hide them away, don't they? Like newspapers are like fucking just page 37. You're not that like dead dead bit of the newspaper i don't know if you ever used to read the newspapers but like you know if you worked in a place that'll be on the tables or whatever in the lunchroom um they'll be their tits so there'll be the headline the tits and then a few stories that you might read and then just this bulk of shite that you skip to get to the crossword

then the sport yeah i'd read the thing backwards i'd look at the tits and then start this bulk of shite that you skip to get to the crossword than the sport yeah i'd read the thing backwards i'd look at the tits and then start at the sport that's how i'd read it but then there's just this like bit of the newspaper between the crosswords and the main news articles what's in there is that what that is yes yeah is that them going up yes yeah sorry we got we got this wrong yeah we accidentally said this thing wasn't a war crime and it turns out it was a fucking war crime because i reckon if you're going out buying newspapers in the shops and there are 10 options there and nine of them are,

we were wrong, we were wrong, we were wrong, we were wrong. You're not buying those nine. You're going to go for the one that's got actual front page news. Aye, then tits. And you go, buy that one. Yeah, exactly. And then these ones that lie all the fucking time

then have to, in order to increase their sales, go, we need to lie less in order for this not to be a front page yeah you have to get past the lies before you can see tits yeah man if i had to go through that many lies for tits i just there's a punchline to be attached to that i just don't know what it is you've you've had a hard three weeks it's been three weeks of jokes um i like that i like that too it was hectic though It was all wedged in It was like what we used to do

Like fucking Just day after the day Like I really I like the way we got that On the last tour Where we'd like You know Pop out and do Germany

And pop out and do Sweden And pop out and do Belgium Like To do it like that That's the way to do it Yeah Like doing the one day The next thing's fucking intense get a bit old as well new yeah I still got it like the travel didn't drink as much yeah I don't surprise me

I smoked weed twice took care twice took took more gallon I normally do we Where did you do gear? I don't want to be a snitch but Oslo Oh aye You know who Aye Aye He just fucking surprised us with it I was like nice Fuck aye So aye

I didn't imagine it was cheap in Oslo And I like they didn't want no fraud Did you end up going out? Shuffleboard wasn't it? Fuck yes Shuffleboard football was on Aye class Because that was the place I had a day off.

I had one, a day off early doors. That was a good time to be giving gear. Aye. Aye. And eh, so I weed twice, gear twice.

And then I drank most days, but didn't get drunk most days. Yeah. Like there was maybe the, the Tartu with the fucking spotter shots and that, that I got smashed. Aye. Was Connor in Tartu?

Yeah, I did not want that spotter shot. I did do it. I was like, man, like, this is a baton. You've been passed here. You better make sure that fucking Petri or whoever comes with you next has that spotter shot because we'll pay that forward. Like, that's a good tradition.

Did he spew? No, but he went quiet. He went super quiet. He shut up for a bit. He said he was choking a dude. He was just trying to chat away at the people. Like Lewis was there. There was a couple of people from the gig.

And he was like, I'm just choking a dude to spew. Just wondering if I'm going to have to run. I'll do that right though. But he couldn't hack it. He left after two weeks. his truck was doing a spew, just wondering if I'm going to have to run. I'll do that right though. Fuck that shit. But he couldn't hack it. He left after two weeks. He knew where that was going to happen though. He had like,

just something in the family. And he knew at the start of the tour that he wasn't going to be there for the last bit. So when he went home, I used local acts where I could. And obviously everywhere's got local acts, but what I needed Was local acts That could perform in English

Because some of the people In the audience Would only speak English Like from Scotland Or America Or wherever So Where I could

Like in Turkey In Ljubljana Tin got up In Ljubljana So the guy who Promotes all your shows Over the years Who opened for you

In Turkey? Just a couple of local acts a lot called hassan and a last called isha did seven minutes each nice and then um and then there was a lad called alex who did the podcast the last podcast we did he did the two in croatia but it just meant i didn't have any in um bulgaria i didn't have any in romania and didn't have any in austria and you fucking feel it yeah it you totally feel the difference like this it's not like a like a showbiz intro like you know if there's been an opening act on and then an interval are they bringing you on like you just hit the ground

running whereas them three gigs I had to dig the gig out yeah in the head adjust to my accent in a way that they're already previously adjusted it's not even my accent just switching languages so just um having that adjustment not made when you walk on stage like the first 10 minutes i was like oh this is going to be tough and then 10 minutes in i'm like oh this gig's sweet and i'm like oh that's just what it's normally like from the start if you if you go on because that's why people just do fucking local up top and i did i did do a bit of that as well like um definitely in bulgaria And I did do a bit of that as well. Definitely in Bulgaria, I'd done quite a bit of local and didn't really do much in Austria

because they seemed a little bit like... I tried to get into them a little bit and chat to them and they weren't really that given. There wasn't much coming out of them and then I just realised that and started doing stuff. But even that, it's already done before you get on. And also, when I already done before you get on and also when i go on before you i don't go on with like opening joke or like interaction i'll go on with this is what

the show is daniel's there give it up and like i'm doing all these like fucking tricks to get everyone to stop the conversations and um and cheer and focus i couldn't bring myself to do that when i walked on just for myself you know I'm just walking on for my show hey it's me Kai Humphries make some noise you can't do that but if you're opening for somebody else you can do that little bit of fucking pyrotechnic at the beginning

and then that gives that fucking energy pump at the beginning then you can say what you're going to say and then there's the laugh whereas going on cold and not being able to do that you just have to build it up and um so i them them three gigs i absolutely fucking um missed having an opener on them hi and i'll say i did like longer on them ones in any case well i'm sorry i did that really horrible thing to connor's family but it had to be done yeah i sent him a message fucking fuck do you think you're doing going on

through with Kai, that's interesting that's interesting, how's your gran you might want to ring her by the way alright so I've just landed back so I've come here before I go home and I'm kind of excited to go home and cuddle my wife and check me

talk can i wait to give me uh give me lots of biscuits lick my dog out yeah walk me away from pull my dog's hair yeah all that stuff yeah excuse me dog cheating i snap with the dog's been cheating I've got to go home and do all that now there's been also I fucking stupidly booked in this weekend of gigs at Glasgow Glee because I was coming to do this tour and I was like

you and I are certainly probably haven't been paid for some of your touring already touring has got settlements and it takes ages to arrive so i was like i don't know how much or when i'm going to get paid for this tour so i'm going to put in some fucking gigs when i get back so i was meant to be at glasgow's like i land and then have a day off and then do gigs and uh there'd been a diary fuck up and i actually wasn't booked for it. It was written in my diary, it wasn't there. And I've never been so fucking happy to lose a weekend's work. Like literally how I'm on the moon that I've got the weekend off now. Should we go play some VR?

Well, yeah, and also go see my family. Aye. Aye, yeah. Just forgot the camera was still rolling.