Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Julie Buttplug

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

Kai tries to bounce back from the day from hell on tour, sending his worldly belongings on an adventure, while Daniel has taken to shop lifting. They entertain the idea of getting railed off their wives. #11 Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: thistlysloss10

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Look at that.

You've had a rough couple of days. It's been fucking horrendous. And I think I've dealt with it amazing. Oh, sure. I think I'm made of different metal. My fucking tinfoil. No, not many people... Paranoid, easily folded.

Not many people would bounce back the way I am. You call this bouncing? I mean, I've bounced a few times and every one of them hurt. Every one of them hurt. The thing with being on tour is, you know how something fucks up? The conveyor belt just keeps going. Yeah. It's like if you're

falling down an escalator anybody just hits the emergency stop and lets you get back up you've got to

get up while the fucking escalator is fucking tumbling and I've just been tumbling

doing that for four days four days where would you like to start at the end of the last episode

that everyone listened to in either Q&A or that we did is that siren is that for me what have I done no it's just not to

be nationalistic about really stupid things but other lame sirens other countries sirens are pretty fucking lame man

plug sockets and your sirens Are pretty fucking lame man Plug so it's near sirens Are really Man fuck off Who you I won't even move my car Are we like fuck you move What's the emergency There's a red wine stain somewhere

Someone with chapped lips Me to be fair you know when we decided because we said we're going to have one drinking day each

one day on this two week tour just because of like we self reflected on how messy would be than the previous leg of the tour

which was just a short little trip to Austria and Lithuania and Estonia. But we drank a hell of a lot. And we're just like, right, how about on this one we just have a couple of days where we drink.

And I called it in advance I'm going to drink when my Geordie mates are in town when Newcastle are playing. And we just decided to make that day the one where we had a drink with lunch. Yeah, that was the immediate loophole I went for. Which was, it was a drinking day. Yeah That was the immediate loophole I went for

Which was It was a drinking day Yeah So it was a You know It's It's only that That 24 hour period is good

So we had beers with lunch We had beers with a podcast We had beers at Soundcheck We had I moved on to the whiskey For the Newcastle versus Everton game Which we got absolutely pumped

And Do you know what I kept saying? Every time Everton scored a goal Past me I necked whatever whiskey was left in my glass Oh no We got beat 3-0 Thank god it wasn't the Tottenham game But then we kept drinking after that Took it to the hotel

Yeah And I wake up I'll also just clarify Prague did something very very rude Very very rude Very very rude What did it do? When we were outside Taking photos

And meeting people There was The smell Of marijuana And normally It's in Prague So that normally means A bunch of people being cool

There was white guys With dreadlocks It seemed like It was going to be a safe bet That is who you went for Oh were they They weren't They weren't Caucasian white.

It was a white guy with dreadlocks or so. Was he Caucasian white though? I mean, I'd be down in whiskey. I don't think he was. I don't think he was like American or British white. I think he was like light skinned. Latino. No, I was going to say like more like light skinned Turkish,

light skinned Syrian maybe. Like white man. Like, yeah, yeah. But still there's a lot of the dreadlocks, Turkish light skinned Syrian maybe like white mam like yeah yeah but still there's a lot of the dreadlocks but like a pasty white Syrian

oh no like a pasty white mam like a white Syrian father like lighter skinned sorry Syrian that's or maybe he was just Irish

and anyway there was a stoner there yeah we profiled him as a stoner we were right he stunk of weed no no he didn't

he wasn't the one that had the weed. Nobody had weed. No, people did have weed. They just didn't come and give us the weed. People smoked weed near us. And then, that's like saying walk in front of your dog for no fucking reason. That's a really shit thing to do. Yeah.

I'd be like, hey, I went on a walk with my wife the other day. Dog's like, oh, what, hey? Huh? Yeah. Your tail was wagging Oh man You were panting Fucking every Every fan that came up

Like don't get me wrong I'm normally nice to my fans I think But like Every time one of them Was coming up I'm like Is it you

This must be the guy This must be the guy None of them Absolutely none of them People just smoking near us And then Our agent did something I'm not

I'm not going to outsource Blame on anything What happened next right But Our agent did something. I'm not going to outsource blame on anything what happened next, right? But our agent did something that's happened before and it'll probably happen again.

And every time it happens, she's wrong. Fucking horrendous. That would have to be the ones dealing with it just on a whim. God bless Marlena.

She had a spidey sense tingling that there was going to be a problem at the airport. I don't know if she got an email from the airline. I don't know if she'd seen a news report or a Google Alert. Or had a dream that one plane was late one time. Or just had this fear. And made her turn up to the airport

three hours earlier than that. Three and a half. It was a five to two flight. And she made her get there for nine I needed them extra three hours in bed I was not

in a state to function like I'd I'd chose that day knowing that we had a late flight I don't know why we listen I don't know like

we're the ones that travel we're the ones that do all the time oh the next day we had an earlier flight and got to the airport two hours later and it was

fucking night and day we moved in in the airport because of just having that extra two hours in bed um so this is what i did i get to the airport security queue and again i'm not going to outsource the blame i'm just going to point out some elements that were at play. One, you were there. Two, you're an old man. Yes. It was all my fault. But these are the things that could have changed. You know when you're at the airport security, right?

And I put my bag on. I put my coat on. I pushed them onto the things i'm the last one of like three people right my bags on my coats on and then i've got another tray which i've had to balance on my cock because there's not enough room and then i've got all of my electricals on that like we switch we kindle me ipad and we toiletries are in there as well and i'm waiting for these to move so i can push mine on but like the guy's just like letting the person in front of us get their tray on

and i'm like waiting and like are you gonna let my trays move so i can push this on and he was like oh just go through i'll deal with that and i went through never let them do it none of them none of them know the system so when when I get to the security line, my bag comes through, my coat comes through, and everybody else's stuff comes through. So I've got my trays here, and my short-term memory's fucked from having one hour's sleep after a bottle of whiskey.

All my fault. Yeah, but surely there's the tight working class part of your brain that goes, where's all my expensive shit? Do you want to know the other thing that was at play? My laptop is normally the main thing that I pull out, right? I pull out my laptop and the other things are just lightweight, circumstantial. I'm pulling my fucking laptop out, unzipping the cover, getting it on its own little tray, right? that is the main weight of my electrics i sent that off to germany with ingo the 2l

manager so we've been in prague we're flying to budapest he's going to germany i'm like for one day i'm not doing a podcast out there i put my laptop with my podcast equipment that's one less thing so when i got it i was like it was light I didn't have my laptop to put back in and I just completely forgot that there's other things other than my laptop I'm not outsourcing

the blame on anyone like that couldn't have been anyone's fault I'm just saying these are the elements that were at play I left all of my belongings at the airport

yep why else did I have the bag? man what else what else did I have the bag? Man What else did I have that bag for? I don't know Me underpants I could have put them in me pocket I would have had more respect for you

Than fucking losing well over a grand's worth of Entertainment devices I've been so fucking bored I've got all my Christmas shopping done I wrote some material I got all my Christmas shopping done. I wrote some material. I got all my Christmas shopping done. One Switch. One iPad.

A Kindle. Who else do I need to buy for? Oh, my goodness. And the worst thing is, we were in the airport for... Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours. And instead of me reaching for my iPad to watch a film

reaching on my switch to do a little dungeon in Gloomhaven or reaching for my Kindle to read a little bit of literature I'd done none of those things I sat I sat giving the wall a death stare for three and a half hours because my hangover was so fucking bad.

And I don't know if you noticed, I wasn't on my most observant that morning. Couldn't find a chemist. Fucking Prague don't sell medicine in the airport. I'm also... I walked up and doing a bunch of times. I was on the phone to Natalie at the time. Aye.

So hyper-focused. So hyper-focused, yeah. So I knew I had my phone in my headphones. I was on the phone to Natalie at the time aye so hyper focused so hyper focused yeah and so I knew I had my phone and my headphones couldn't find any medicine at all I was like

fucking fair fucks to Prague like hard cunts absolute nails fucking medicine to have a glass of water I think if you just asked any of the staff

in whatever their version of W.H. Smith was It was Like behind the counter Replay Yeah So

I fucking get onto the flight And immediately go Right Everyone else's problem First thing I've seen That's just gone on the plane You know what else Is devastating as well

We've got this horrible game Which I should have Brought up Where If we the team That's just gone on the plane You know what else is devastating as well We've got this horrible game Which I should bring up Where if we see someone that's A little person Whether they're in proportion Or not We'll call a score The important clarification here is

You started this game I've just refused to end it You're good at it You'll just nudge me And go 1-0 And I'll look And they'll just be like I don't even know

If that's a child yet Or they've got a beard It's like a grown up More childish version Of the Like punch buggy yellow I saw Two of these little guys

Yeah I don't even know How to put it together I want to fucking Reduce the power I'm going to be honest with you I actually found the terminology Two of these little guys? Yeah. I don't even know how to put it together. I want to fucking reduce the paragraph. I'm going to be honest with you. I actually found the terminology two of these little guys

way more offensive than if you just said midgets. Something real underhanded. Like, yeah, these little guys. Snow White and his seven little guys over here. That's not... I'm not saying it came

from a place of hate, but it came from a place of what fucking ever. You've got Legolas the Elf. You've got to be the little guy. Well, I mean, in comparison to the Hobbits, who's to say? I was like, they must know each other. They know each other.

I couldn't even find you. I was like, fuck, I'm winning 2-0. I can't even call the score yeah now you don't believe it of course not horrible game there's no way you had a

there's no way you had a two little guy day it was just one of them days where I had a two little guy day and they weren't there to no you were not no you lost all your equipment

you lost four valuables you had a hangover there's no way I have two goals down two goals disallowed. Fucking perfectly good goals. Nah. You probably saw one

and just like, your bong eye was back because you were just death staring at the wall so much. You had to like, one of those C&B's things where you've got to

stare through it. They're always looking for painkillers. Oh, so I've got to say, you know people, you know those 3D C&I fucking pictures where you've got to look through them and something else?

Is everyone having me on? I think so. They're having me on as well. Like, is that? I would be like, I shock. I'd be like,

is it fuck, Granda? Are you alright? You joking me? Is there anything I got mean from? I just, man,

look, I'm not, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, right? And I'm, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I'm happy to like,

learn and grow. I've really tried. There's nothing in those. Magic Eye does note for me Is it like the is it just like the fucking is it you know is it like the drop bear thing is it just like

that's a joke in Australia and they're playing a prank on people is it just there's a bunch of people out there just Like Bat-Lad Marsbos Excuse me? Bat-Lad Marsbos that's a joke on the tourist

Oh my god I thought you said Bat-Lad Mothers Bat-Lad Mothers I was like what the fuck is Bat but that's no one really battles your mother um battered mars but well no i get what you i get what you say about mars bar like is it like that's like a sort of pretend cultural thing but i do think it happened once genuinely and it's just sort of it's been attached to our name now nobody likes them

nobody seeks after them nobody's like oh you know what I fancy I'm feeling a bit piggish fucking batter of twigs so we so I get in the airport we get on the plane and I go to pull out my iPad

which should be on the top because I'm just getting through security and I just grab my jeans from a gig. And you just watch the penny drop. And I'm like, I've just left all of my stuff in security. And I've only just this second reached the point of no return where I can't go back into the... Oh, the absolute fucking pits of the places to work out. Even on the bus you you can't disembark well you can you're not getting back on i got the option to disembark to go and get me stuff so i think you would have been shot at because we were ready to get a bus to the plane there's no

way if you disembark you'd like oh i'm delaying the flight that's having a knock-on effect yeah yeah and other flights if you're just fucking sprint I'm delaying the flight that's having a knock on effect yeah yeah and other flights if you're just fucking sprinting across the airfield yeah it was nice of him to give me the option I was never

I was never gonna disembark but when I called him over I feel like they were they were given the option to go back for your stuff like the way fucking who's the guy that cut off lots of decks

in Game of Thrones Ramsey John Wayne Bobbicks in Game of Thrones Ramsey John Wayne Bobbitt Ramsey Bolton Ramsey do you know who John Wayne Bobbitt is nah

his wife caught him cheating giving him a blowjob bit his cock off I think she might have used a knife actually right

nah not him nah Ramsey Bolton I think they were given the option to return to the airport

in the way that he let fucking little Stark go I would have fucking ran the option to return to the airport in the way that he let fucking Little Stark go. I would have fucking ran in a zigzag, ran in a zigzag back to the airport. Because he didn't run in a zigzag, did he? That was the problem. He'd never seen Apocalypto. No, he'd not.

So I called him over. I'm just like, this is my situation. He situation he's like all right these are your options mmm like you can try and find them in lost property and get someone collect them are you coming back as a return flight blah blah blah I have the conversation with him I'm like look I've got Geordie friends in Prague I'll see if I can get them to collect them he's like right I'll find out with them that they're there I'll phone security and just make sure that they've been found in lost property

or whatever and then he went and done that and I just had this sinking feeling like I don't know what would have been worse that I hadn't checked

underneath my jeans and I went underneath my jeans just to be doubly sure because like I checked the top of my bag and I checked down the little flap on the back

so iPad and Kindle go in there switch is resting on the top of everything so it's grabbable i've got systems it might seem like i'm not a guy with systems and your pending hatred because that's you had you had like pending hatred because that because that is you everyone else's everyone else's time from between i have this thing on my person and oh i've lost this is 10 minutes right they'll get to 30 seconds in they'll realize it's not in their body and they'll spend the next nine and a half minutes looking everywhere around them double checking before they go right that's the 10 minute rule over now it's other people's problem Yours is 45

seconds, briskly assuming that it's near you before you decide to go Alright everyone, I've lost this thing I've lost this thing, have you looked everywhere? Of course not Why would I look everywhere for the thing? It's quicker for everybody, many hands Big leg work

I grew up with a real strong sense of community A problem shared With as many people as possible Makes you look a cunt I did look like a cunt So you just had this You went from like Mate what are we going to do now

I had sympathy You were even like Joining in with texting To imagine Germany and Marley and I This is the situation I had sympathy you were even like joining in with texting our tour manager in Germany and Molly and I just like this is a situation

like I was like oh look at Danny he's showing some actual sympathy and then just you just going you fucking tricked me into sympathy I never

you fucking after 15 years of knowing exactly who you are that might still be in your bag you didn't say a word but I could just see you fucking fizzing and I was laughing

because I'd be I'd be happy if I found them like you've got to understand I never would have forgiven you I never that would have been this would have been our last fucking tour together

and we wouldn't be doing this podcast do you know do you know what happened before Natalie Rangers if you if you try to make yourself the fucking victim

in the story if this had thrown you up and saying something that's absolutely a fair assessment of your character and you're deciding that it's some sort of

callous twist as insult and you're trying to play the fucking victim here, you can go and fuck yourself. I'm just giving you a matter of fact and you can make your own choice. Natalie rang. And we'd just been on the phone.

We'd unpacked everything. We'd done a bit of Christmas shopping together. I was like, oh, what's this? A little courtesy call afterwards. She was like, you, what's this? A little courtesy call afterwards. She was like, you do know you've got two different prescriptions on each eye, right? You've got a different prescription on each eye for your contact lenses. I was like, yeah, yeah, I've got like 2.75 on my right eye, my bong eye.

My left eye is just like 1.5, barely. She was like, have you been reading the labels on your Conadlands when you put them in? I was like, uh-huh. Yeah, I mean, it's like, it's a bit shitty that they write them so little on the No You Haven't Done. I can't understand why you need to read it. That's a very fair point. I'm like, fuck you.

Because they've got like loads of fucking writing on it as well. And right in there, so much fucking writing on this one little thing and just in there's like 2.75 and they're like fucking closing anyway i say i am aware that just because because i've just been putting some mail in your office and you've just got so many of your left eye left and fucking barely any of your right eye left so it just feels like you've just been pulling them wooden one box and have you? thanks for checking but no I'm aware of that I'm aware that I've got a different description in each eye

me wife you have on no less than five occasions tried to take out contact lenses that are not in aye, big drinker. I forgot I took them when I was in the bugs area.

When I get to bed, I thought I'd take my actual lens off my eye. That's why I need them. Self-fulfilling prophecy. By the way, this is a very valid question for her to ask, right? Because when we get to fucking Hungary, it's freezing there. this is a very valid question for her to ask, right? Because when we get to fucking Hungary, right?

It's freezing there. They bring us a radiator for backstage and you come in. How do we contact London? And it's on the floor. If anyone's on my Instagram, I'll send this video to fucking Matthew so that he can see it.

He'll stick it up for the video. It is Kai pointing at the radio on the floor and asking or complaining that, oh, it's such a shame I don't have my Switch because I could have connected it to the TV. And then me thankfully getting that on video, you clocking that it's not a television, defending the fact that it very easily,

and it's very reasonable to assume that it's a television since it had a black reflective surface, despite the fact that there was a television one foot above. Had a screen with a temperature and some buttons on it. A little LED screen in the top right, just in case you want to fucking turn the heat of the telly up. Watch heat on it.

Old blind man. Aye, that was bad. That was bad. And I got the fucking hotel. It's so funny because I'm asking my jolly mates if they can help us out and do this

and out of them I'm just like you fucking muppet you absolute fucking muppet who does that you and I'm spilling this stuff fuck

I'm just like I just had a night out in Prague and I've woke up and all my stuff's in three different countries my laptop's on its way to Germany my fucking iPad's in Prague

and my phone's in my pocket in Budapest I've got the screen cap out of me shit in different countries so I'm like fucking not many of you can have a nightly like that

try it I dare you just trying to spin it trying to spin me being an absolute fucking dipshit as being a hero work now

yeah you're a fucking thick Geordie mate no no Mark Nelson just fucking texted this guy fucking absolute legend mate

I don't know how he pulled that off for a fucking class lad alright but Nelson's thick so no no he just knows

he knows what like he knows what hitting rock bottom's like and he respects it I don't know if he's there remember when he got off the train at Oxenholm because he thought

it was Glasgow and then the train pulled away oh and it was the last one he woke last train of the day he woke up like oh fuck I'm on my train

everyone's getting off jumps off fucking I did that the other day and I'll it wasn't as bad it wasn't as bad I got off at Hairmyres

instead of East Kilbride and Natalie was coming to pick us up from the station so it was no biggie because kind of equidistant from the D so it was no biggie because kind of equidistant from

the Duggan Bone maybe a little bit further away tiny little bit further away she'll save 15 minutes of traffic so I can see

how Mark did it but Mark did it in the Lake District do you think one of the reasons that you have such good mental health

is because you don't blame yourself for anything? Because I laugh like somebody else has done it. Stuff happens with me and instead of us being down on our cell, I laugh like you've done it. But in that you also make it my fucking problem,

Natalie's problem. You're like, ah, I did this fuck up and everyone suffers. I laugh like you did it as if if you did it, I'd be like, what a legend

what what a hero doing that um do you know what happened yesterday right i uh after we'd um when we'd left hungary because we'd we'd gone out drinking in hungary as well we'll talk about that in a second woke up the next morning um showered i was a bit groggy and then sort was the first day that I hadn't folded my stuff away nicely and put it in my bags the night before or on the day of and then when we got to the spa yesterday opened up

and there was only one of my fucking stage shoots in it, my RM Williams my expensive fucking leather really good Australian ones and I'm like motherfucking, I would have immediately been knocking on your dog and I've lost a shoe Daniel

everyone, all hands to the pumps and I went you know what, hopefully it'll be in my it'll be in my rucksack because that's what I take to the venues and that's where I take my shoes in hopefully the other one's in there and I'm like like check through

take all the clothes out it's not fucking there I'm like god damn it I'm about to text Cara after five minutes of being like oh my god

Cara's had this nightmare I've had this one maybe he's got a point do you know what I did I had a second fucking look you ever heard of a second look what for just for the thing

it's a very panicked vocal second look. Yeah, yeah, I broadcast that second look. I'm like, you's just in, we're going through it again. And you found your shoe, eh? Aye, it was in there, of course it was. That's where you put it. God, imagine the rest of the two edges of you in one shoe and me bored. Sluss and Humphries on the road

so that that next day was so funny because i was just like laughing at me fucking plate and uh you were like i couldn't have been in any shit or a state and you just went i've decided my drinking day is gonna be today It's bought us a whiskey. And I was like, you absolute fuck. You absolute fucking fuck. And it actually does the world a good. Well, I mean. Do you know what else I did when I was in the pits?

I told you this. I was going to bring this up with you. This is the dumbest thing you've, well, no, that's not true. It's so hard to pick what's the dumbest thing you've done. It's the dumbest thing you've done in the last 24 hours at this point i don't know what made us do it i don't know if it was self-harm like i think at the time i think at the time i was telling myself i was seeking validation right like and so you went on the internet for it it might be naive it might be self-sabotage i don't know what it was

but like you know after these gigs in Germany, I've been getting, like, a canny few messages afterwards. They're really responsive, the crowds here, that they'll, like, send you Instagram messages after you've been on. I think, like, prompt them to follow us on Instagram, so I'm fishing. But, like, I didn't ask them to give us a message telling us they enjoyed my show. That just is happening when they're finding us. And it's dead nice.

And, like, I don't get a reply to all of them, but I'll try and, like, tap a like on it or something, reply to any of them if they're asking a question or whatever. And that makes you feel good. That's that dopamine hit of social media. That's why I fucking can't delete it because that's fucking always going to be there. And, like, I was like, I just can't see if anyone's's fucking always going to be there and like I was like I might just

go and see if anyone's saying anything nice about something I'll search my name on Reddit the worst thing I've ever done

oh my god when I've got a hangover when I've lost all my stuff when I'm not feeling great about myself

oh my god that's the mental health police fucking hell knock us up and throw away the key pad itself it was a it was like a stand-up comedy thread about hacks about people using memes to create their jokes using facebook memes as jokes like i can barely watch a comedian anymore with saying like something that I've

already seen on the internet coming out of their mouth and then somebody just fucking lit me up like a Christmas tree again there's a comedian called Kai Humphries

who opens for Daniel Sloss and I don't know why I fucking have to sit through him every time I want to watch Daniel it was like it was like he done a he done material

that I saw him do eight years ago and then everything in between that was just shit a hack that I'd seen on the internet I was like, he'd done material that I saw him do eight years ago, and then everything in between, that was just shit attack that I'd seen on the internet. I was like, oh, no. Oh, no. In my defense, we used to play to fucking 16 people, and now we're playing to 2,000.

So I say anything from before 2017 is open game. If I've got a good bit of material that I can play it a little that fucking 1983 people in the room I don't know if that was bad because I forgot what my original number was I'm 16 you were off damn it damn it um I like right I think it because there was a year ago this comment this is how much I've been thinking about it. This is how much it fucking got into the heed. Daniel, my heed is a fucking fortress. Oh, yeah. And I let her in. Maybe from the inside out.

I let her in. More like a fucking prison. She got in through the fucking shit pipe of the fucking, the refuge pipe of the fortress. She claimed right through where we get rid of the shit from the forest. She claimed through. She got in and she just hung out there for a good 24 hours right because i'm like it was a year ago when she wrote it so that means it was on the tour where i was doing that i've got me towel bit

because i like even on this tour the thing about tim renko's walking frame i did that on the 2017 tour before your netflix specials whole new audience now new territories fucking why not it's a good bit to close on right previous to her i was like i've got all this new material but i'm also gonna um put in the i've got me towel bit because it fits in good with the uh not racist but the black lives matter stuff fucking dust off an old bit put it in it's a good closer the majority of the room haven't seen it and the rest of the room have gotten to see all the other new stuff that I've done.

Everything else in my material is about my life. It's about like, it's really specific to my life. It's like me growing up on the council estate and currently about having my dog and everything. It's like really specific stuff to me. How have I gotten them off memes? I mean, there's lots of memes about dogs. I suppose lots of memes about council estates.

You know what I, as well, this wasn't the bit of material because I didn't date on your last tour. It was part of my show and I haven't done it on any of your tours. Yeah, just because she posted a year ago doesn't mean it was like that my show and I haven't done it on any of your tours yeah just because she posted a year ago doesn't mean it was like

that's when she came up with the opinion she could have hated she could have hated you for fucking years you know what you know what I've you know the bit where

Podge steals me dupe from me show Mischief and I text him but then the text message I'm like 222-777-444-664 right and I do the whole

fucking Nokia thing like I put a yeah after I wrote that I started saying memes on the internet of people like Like, 222-777-444-664, right? And I do the whole fucking Nokia thing. Like, I put a year after I wrote that, I started seeing memes on the internet of people, like, going, fuck off, you cunt, but, like, in the numbers, and, like, if you know what this is, you're old or whatever. And, like, I feel like that meme was nicked off my joke. Because I'd never, like, seen anything like that on,

and then I did the bit, and then it started appearing on the internet and I'm like people who make memes aren't always the ones that have the original thought that might just rip off comics

and I'm like I wonder if like I've had memes made from me stuff and it's I'm trying to fucking spin it in a way that could make us feel better

no I think it's I think it's neither I think if I've learned anything from the internet and like being on it for 20 years, especially in the last five because of the algorithms and everything,

none of us have like a single unique experience. Like life is a very common repeated fucking thing. People have the same trains of thought. That's what all comedy is, right? Is you suddenly decided like, oh my God, here's the thing in my head this bad thought this stupid thought this i mean this is fucking tense in it unbelievable what would you do if after all that i had let my laptop run out of battery while recording that podcast yeah you could have just done an entire new one just by yourself and just

fully explained everything and why I wasn't on it and just take full fucking ownership especially after everything we've discussed. You're talking about something hypothetical that didn't happen. As if it was a fucking dream I had. You've some

nerve. A spinner or a gaslight? Do you spin things or do you use a gaslight as a spinner? I reframe things. I reframe them in a way that suits me. You're a toxic man. I'm not.

I'm fragile. I'm fragile. I'm vulnerable. I think there's so many things now where, like, so many people doing comedy and so many people who

are funny are not actually doing stand-up. They're just putting stuff out in fucking moves. But I've seen memes and videos that have just made me be like, oh my God. Like, thank God there are people out there who are too scared to go on stage before stand-up comedy. Because some of the memes I see online are so funny. I'm like, thank fuck I'm not in competition with you because I would struggle to keep up. I think like lots of things that are regularly fucking made fun of

that are broached into comedy. Like I don't think Mark Norman does hack, but Mark Norman, because of the way his joke writing goes, especially when he's doing quick things, I've seen him do, I don't want to say it's stock because I don't think it's stock,

but like if somebody is talking to, like they come up with a joke about this American football player right and it's one of the many American football players who's a domestic abuser this specific one did domestic abuse in an elevator and Mark Norman used the punchline that's wrong on so many levels

now that's wrong on so many levels I've heard I think I heard for the first time about 10 years ago I've certainly heard Bo Burnham doing it in a song I don't even think it was an original Bo Burnham then I think there's

stuff like that it's like making a joke about up the ante and making it about an ante rather than about gambling like it's just there it's there to be taken

is that what you mean like something that's oh yeah yeah yeah and like there's no or it's not necessarily like the fucking new version of old hack but it's like Man if you give a bunch of comedic

Minds the same Set up right 85% of them will come up with the same punchline Right if you give If you give a hundred comedians Right one Topic of the day Which is fucking Vladimir Putin right in the back

Of a horse shirtless, right? Put them into separate rooms around a fucking hotel. Don't let them talk to each other. I guarantee over half of them are coming up with similar gags, similar fucking memes, because that's what a lot of comedy is. It's just remembering patterns in a different way and applying those patterns

that you normally experience in this part of life to this other and that's where memes and shit come from so I just think you're a new type of hack. Well anyway this girl made the conclusion that I was appalling for what I did appalling I read that when I was at my lowest ebb

Why did you go like I did immediately had a workout did a head session just in case you saw it again Why did you go, like... You know what I did immediately? Had a workout. Did a HIIT session. Well, just in case you saw it again. Right. Did I start shadowboxing? And I was just like, all right, all right,

you did that to yourself. You did that to yourself losing your stuff. You did that to yourself getting drunk so that you feel this way. You did that to yourself looking up your fucking own name

on the internet. What a fucking tool. You did all of that to yourself. Now, do some things that make you feel good then I thought that was going on Reddit typing my own name I don't know what we're thinking was

I don't know what we're thinking was I think it was like a thinly veiled sabotage on myself I remember after the crit roll gig just having so much fun both doing the warm up and the show itself. Right. And then afterwards, like the next day, I was just so much good feedback because I'm very lucky that the people who like me will go out their way to tell me they like me.

And the people that hate me will just hate me separately. And that which they're allowed to do. I have no problem with anyone who dislikes my fucking persona or my stand-up i fucking get it oh yeah like i i don't mind people not liking my stand-up yeah i don't like being told that i'm lifting material you did but she didn't tell you a little material you went you went out there man i was so tempted i was so tempted on that fucking day i was so tempted on that day to go on the Reddit and just go on the Critical Role Reddit. I'm like, man, if you go on that fucking Reddit,

you are going to be sad within 35 seconds. And it's your fault. These people haven't brought these criticisms to you. They're not fucking shouting them in your face. They're doing what they're allowed to do. And that is break down art and have an opinion on art. And they're allowed to do that. If you go out of your way to seek what that is break down art and have an opinion on art and they're allowed to do that

if you go out of your way to seek what that is as the artist that's on you buddy ah yeah totally totally I let her in that's what I did

I was like fucking come on in here make a mess because like if I'd fucking happened upon that or someone had sent us it in regular day to day life

I'd laugh at that yeah I like actually fucking found it when I was feeling like fucking deaf and I went to find it what a fucking idiot good though give us the rock bottom I need it to fucking bounce back though

I do my best to never after anything big happens in my career where I'm getting a lot of social media stuff that's when I always take social media breaks because I'm like because I know it'll happen because I've done it a thousand times before

you enjoy the good shit and you get all these good nice things said about you and that feels really fucking good and you just go and then they start slowing down so you've got to go deeper into different places to find these fucking compliments and eventually there's no compliments left so just go for none of them none of it's good none of it's healthy didn't you say that you were watching the live comments of the uh critical role

thing they put they re they replayed the uh crit role thing on their twitch and i was like and i was a home at the time that they were doing their three, third rebroadcast. And, and like all down the side of the first five minutes, it was like really positive shit. And I've heard, like I've watched Critical Role when it's on Twitch, the chat can be fucking toxic, right? It's fucking, look, nerd culture, like any culture in the world can be toxic and have lots of people who are just highly opinionated and fucking scream each other on the internet, right?

It's not the same sort of hooliganism that there is in sports but to deny that it's there is disingenuous uh the racism is more against teeth things no i know no i think it's like creepier angry men like there's definitely more there's there's more i would say and maybe this is ignorant but incels no no no no not incels but there's there's more across there's more fucking females uh like critical role fans than there are female football fans who like and how much they're interacting with each other and then you've obviously yes got other like nerds at the far end of the spectrum who would never normally have any interaction with women because they're getting it all wrong yeah yeah and and because like nerd culture is both like, it's not inherently a left wing thing or a right wing thing. You know, it can just be very, very toxic. I'm reading the comments while I'm on and I'm like, fucking hell, I'm smashing this. Jesus, like all these, all of these things are just really, really positive. There's not a single negative thing.

It would be nice. And then I see one, and it just starts coming through, which is like, good job, mods. You're doing such a good job today. Jesus. Like, God, they must all be on.

And just from that, I inferred, it must have just been a flame warning. Oh, shit. Putting fires out, just deleting everybody that's talking shit. Yeah, just every negative thing being like, some people would have been like, I can't believe you just said that.

Jesus Christ, this chat is salty today. And I'm like, man, the universe did me a favour there That was like me running into a burning building That I would not have been able to handle And again all of these people Are allowed to have whatever opinions they want But they didn't reach you Just the compliments reached you Yeah yeah yeah

You're like nice I think it's such a stupid thing to do So the last four days I've worked out I haven't drunk since Budapest Because we did quite in Budapest afterwards It was a great night Aye I had a fucking lovely night in Budapest

And eh Played chess off me fucking tits in one He must have been off his tits now Yeah yeah definitely I think he was a seasoned chess player No I did have to correct him on how to move one of the pieces He must be off his tits now. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I didn't think he was a seasoned chess player. No, no. I did have to correct him on how to move one of the pieces.

Well, I mean, now I'm infinitely less impressed. Try to put it up his nose. Right. And you're like, no, mate, that's a pawn that goes up your arse. And then up your nose. What else did we do? I've been doing some shoplifting Yeah I've been really enjoying your shoplifting policy It's not

I don't think I'm going to do it myself I've got a bit more patience than you I'm not shoplifting You technically are You could still get into trouble for what you're doing I think the law hasn't got like an egg timer on service. Well, it should. And I'm correcting that.

So Daniel... Like if I try to pay for something and the reason I'm not being allowed to pay for something is because a giant corporation is choosing to be understaffed. Again, I'm not doing this to small businesses. I'm not doing this privately fucking owned sort of things where it's just one person

doing their best. You're doing it in a chain coffee shop. Shell, Costa, any of the fucking, whatever the fucking Bella thingy I was in in fucking Hungary

where the service was. I stood in the queue for 15 minutes trying to get a coffee. Right? 15 minutes. One guy and there's no sense

of urgency to him. There's no sense. It's not like, oh God, look at the size of this fucking queue. I better hurry up. God, I'm stressed. Right? In which case, we'd be like, hey, I'm stressed. It's fine.

None of that. He's just slowly, da-da. Two other staff members regularly walking past him. So you went behind the counter and served yourself a coffee? Well, I couldn't get a coffee. So I decided, right, what's a fair trade for a fucking coffee, right? Red Bull, right? I was going to buy this juice.

I was going to buy this crisps and I was going to buy this chocolate bar, right? So what I'm going to do is I'm just going to leave the fucking queue and I'm going to say that to you. Well, I'm going to eat them, right? And if anyone wants to come over and charge me for what I'm eating here,

they're absolutely allowed to. So you finished the stuff because I think I saw you in the airport like just sat in the coffee shop with your headphones on. So you just got the stuff, tried to queue you In the airport Like just sat in the coffee shop With your headphones on So you just got the stuff Tried to queue Didn't get served Sat through to meet them They're like

If they want the money They can queue to me Yeah 100% And also there's less You can queue for my money Rather than me queuing For the food Again

Again You are It's a massive Multinational corporation Right If you are understaffed That is a decision It's not because

You're not making the money Yeah Right It's not because You're not making the money Yeah Right It's not because You can't afford Extra fucking staff You know the markup On the things

That you've just bought Would have paid One member of staff For an hour Absolutely Yeah So So I took it

All my stuff For free Thank you very much And then you're in a garage With a lighter Waiting to get served I wanted a lighter I wanted some papers

And you're like It's going to be pointless Having this lighter By the time I fucking Have to leave I'm not going to be able To smoke I'm going to have to having this lighter by the time I fucking have to leave I'm not going to be able to smoke I'm going to have to

get in the car you're just like yeah well I'm just going to get a smoke and if I'm outside smoking I can come and get the money

yeah like I'm man get more employees if you want me to pay for things get more fucking employees

he's got this down in like 30 seconds now I will get five minutes is a reasonable wait. Not a reasonable wait, but an understandable wait, right? But if you're getting towards 10,

you're gone. 10 is when I'm getting angry. Because we actually like told the staff a couple of times in one of the airports, like we're going to miss our flight if you don't bring the bill. Yeah. And then we walked through

and we're like, do you want my money or not? And they finally paid attention and took it. But like, that was us being quite vocal about like we're trying to give you money man we've had the food and the drinks yeah we'd like to we'd like to know it's not up to you when i leave your restaurant it's never up to you when

i leave your place of business airports should kind of always just be like here's your stuff there's the bill yeah like airports you're not like you're not hanging around and like digesting your food with some enriching conversation in an airport you're not hanging around and digesting your food with some enriching conversation in an airport. You're fucking wolfing something down so you can get your flight most times, apart from when Molly and I decide when we get to the airport. You just take your sweet-ass time. Yeah, but I feel like I'm out of my dip now.

I've had quite a productive couple of days i actually because i've got punch drunk coming up and they've seen every bit of material i've ever done so i've started writing some new and even when i'm writing started stealing some more even when i'm writing now i'm just like is that original enough like if you know when you're doing observational comedy yeah you're like is that original enough to be so what i've started doing is like writing like really specific stuff to blive and ashton and then i'm like well what's the point that i can't use that anywhere else in the world but like i'm gonna i'm gonna be arried let me punch drunk gigs if i

do stuff like that but like how's that gonna help with the fucking melbourne comedy festival you know it's got to be like mass appeal and then if it's mass appeal it's like more generic anyway i started writing some stuff i've got my christmas shopping done all the stuff you get done when you haven't got any entertainment man so productive man that's the thing because i've been really enjoying balder's gate 3 oh man the fact that i even bought a steam deck before i left and it arrived it arrived the day before i left but i wasn't in yeah and then uh there's that kailak you're always talking about and i'm not having i'm not having a very good time at the minute but however my friends from newcastle have picked up my stuff and they're going to be at the punch

trunk gig so that's worked out all right could have been worse i've got uh i've had one of my jokes not be told that it's hack but it's been factually corrected and I'm not sure whether I will actually factually correct it on stage Is it like that rapper who's got a line, suck my dick like a cello and cello is a string instrument He thought it was a wind instrument

Similar but not as stupid but like of that sort of vein it's more like i said this thing and somebody's like well actually the reason for this is this and i'm like oh well that doesn't fit in with the joke so um so i'm talking about like um the different things that you can do to speed up pregnancy one of the things is spicy food and i'm like and the reason that speeds up is because like the baby gets the spicy food he doesn't like it so it leaves your body I just made that up turns out

that the you've heard the spicy thing will make you go into labour thing right do you know what it actually is if you eat spicy food that's so spicy so spicy

that it literally gives you explosive diarrhoea and evacuates you because the spasming in your like the clenching of so much

that it just sort of like like the aftershocks of an earthquake like if we blow up this part of the volcano we can make it blow up over there sort of shit so it's just giving someone the shit so that they can give it away yeah yeah

so one of them hot chips could totally like induce labour 100% and I think I wouldn't recommend that by the way just if you're a pregnant woman and you take my advice no I think pregnant women are regularly on a podcast listening to two white men looking for advice on birth I wouldn't recommend that, by the way, just if you're a pregnant woman and you take my advice.

No, I think pregnant women are regularly on a podcast listening to two white men looking for advice on birth. And if they're not, what's wrong with them? Especially after they've heard everything that I'm capable of in the day-to-day business. I sound like a pretty sage person to learn from. But it is interesting because I think one of the, not the main fears that pregnant women have before labour

but I reckon a very common one is I don't want to shut on the table right this is a regular thing

they're told you're going to shut on the table you're going to piss and shut on the table yeah they must feel like there's a certain indignity to that

even though no one's judging them in them moments yeah but even then like it's you know you're already like you're most

fucking vulnerable like it's look I know, you're already like you're most fucking vulnerable. And like it's, I get it, right? I get it. Imagine how much worse it'd be if it's explosive diarrhea. Also, what if your spicy shit gets in the fucking baby's eyes? No wonder he's crying. I didn't want to do that. It's not for me.

And there's got to be a i mean you couldn't plug it oh one of them little jewels one of them little legs shiny purple pink fucking gems i can't up your butt yeah up your butt my body you're fucking joking i've already got a fucking organic one in pinky purple as well I've already got a fucking organic one in. Pinky purple as well. That's made me really sad.

I've never used one of them on anyone. I've never had one of them. I've never had... There's never been one in the bedroom at the same time as me on anyone. Oh, really? Julie Buttplug. Hi. Julie Buttplug. That's my stage name. room at the same time as me and anyone oh really it's the julie bud plug hi julie bud plugs that's my stage name this is my podcast title

have you done that yeah a bunch of times just like sparkling away you go oh nice um so you're like behind you're behind and you go, oh, nice. So you're like behind. You're behind and you just say, oh, bling, bling. Yeah, or you put it in or it's like something that they put in and then they have it in during the day. And does it throw pigs? What? This is a Czech saying that I've just learned.

There's a Czech saying, and I don't know what it is in Czech, but what it actually means is throwing pigs. And it's when the light reflects off your watch. Oh. It fires like... But pigs aren't white. I don't know where the etymology of it comes from, but somebody was like,

your watch was really throwing pigs around the audience. Which actually, since then, I've been properly pulling my sleeve doing every two seconds when I'm gigging just because I don't want to be throwing pigs Anyway Julie Budfluk throw pigs No because it's what it's facing down What's your date of life then?

It's facing down Not if they've got the good back arc If they've got the startled cat back arc I reckon gays have better form on that on what grounds because they know what it looks like so like they're getting it from the other thing mmm okay I absolutely reckon yeah yeah because all these lasses were Peggy's once or twice These lasses These lasses, these wee lads All in my favourite porno

Just Peggy's once or twice, I'll show you how to get booked He's listening girls Not even my wife Just generally women Women in general Aye wife just just generally women women in general I would get pegged if me boss was a better elf would you

I think so I don't think I could do it and I think I'm wrong it would be like a super little pig though it would be just like super little peg though it would be just like

a little cigar a cigarolo a cigarolo like one of them Vogue Vogue cigarette cigarette is that what they

call cigarrillos aye one of them no I admit you bash as hard as you want just make a little little peg

born in my own image I like it how I give, you know what I mean Yeah, no I don't think I could No, I couldn't get pegged And that comes from a place of me That I probably need to grow in Like it's Man, I don't mind

I don't mind a little visor up there occasionally That's fine. So I'm not here to deny science that that's where joy and dreams are made of. Right. I understand that. But there to me is a difference between a digit going up there doing something and. Didgeridoo. And like being bent over and the act of being fucked.

Yeah. You know what? I think, I think I'd like it to be a bit more like a medical procedure. I think I'd like it to be where it's like, I've got a backless gown. As opposed to arseless chaps. I get out of bed.

I put myself in the recovery position in advance right and then and then she just sidles up next to me and then like I slide it in gently you'll doctor of course I am and then like

I slide it in gently stroke my hair tells it's going to be alright wait wait wait the tear from my

the tear from my cheek which cheek and what tear do you mean tear tear the tear from my cheek and the tear from my cheek and then I'll be like a couple of minutes in I'll go alright going for it The tear from your cheek and the tear from your cheek.

And then I'll be like a couple of minutes in, I'll go, alright, going for it. And I was just checking first, you know what I mean? Fucking going for it, going buck wild.

Don't you think I'm scared? Do you think I'm scared? Like, oh, these other fucking homophobes, go hell for love. Absolutely. Fish hookersers I couldn't

and I'm wrong and like you know it's like it comes from a homophobic are you scared scared

in case you like it why no but no but is no but is it that or is it like

is it a power thing is like is it a power thing is it is it and is the power thing homophobic in itself and I don't like giving up power or is it just

or is it misogyny I don't think it's giving up power it's letting them keep power just use your power on us for once will you just keep using the book the house you use in the bedroom will you

it's either homophobia Misogyny or toxic masculinity Is one of those And if you've listened to this podcast For ten years You know that You know Occasionally I do grow from those things

But not instantly And not for a while And then when I do grow from those things I gaslight you into thinking That I never had the opposite opinion I've always been like this He's more of a shore than a grower.

Excuse me? You're more of a, when it comes to opinions. You're a shore, aren't you? The thing is, like, I've never seen

your erect penis. No, you haven't. You've knocked this back a bunch of times every time I've invited you in. I've invited you in in a few situations early doors

and you've fucking set some pretty clear boundaries that you didn't want to be part of that yes I did it took you five years to respect me

so em aye I've seen a soft cock now and again Aye So erm Aye I've seen a soft cock Now and again Didn't need to say that Well no We've been nude in the sea A fair few times

Aye So it's meant to shrink in it Aye Well not the Spanish sea Because that's warm Still not Warm It's still like Even when It's still like

Even when It's not like warm sea The Spanish Sea It's still where your cock goes I'm just going to take some precautions here It's not like a hot tub And even when I get into a hot tub It's not as if my cock just

Smells up my bowels Just start floating around like a jellyfish Like oh thanks I'm glad he showed up that was the size I was missing impressed the girls with my box

yeah I did sorry I didn't want to impress any of the ladies I just wanted a nearby sea turtle to confuse it with a fucking squid it's not even

As if it's My actual testicle Do that It's just the sack That they come in Yeah Anyway So that's been my week

Aye It's been my week I think I've done very well I've handled it good I've handled it You had a big You had a I'm not saying

You weren't allowed this I'm just This is absolutely allowed You did have a big old Wine in Wiesbaden Yesterday though A wine

A wine Oh right After football You got angry You let the football group Get to you I did let the football group Get to you right

Tell them that Tell them that I come in I was like I hate me mates I don't know why People are still in that group I was like I hate me I hate my friends I don't know why people are still in that group. I was like, I hate my friends.

I don't know why. It's like, you've all decided to play, like, fucking past the parcel, but with nuclear waste, right? And we all just continually for 10 years just got burned, and we got made worse, and we've become dehydrated husks of our former selves and our friendship and I left and every time you left you'd be like oh my god my hands don't

burn anymore I can see I'm enjoying football again I gotta go back in and tell the lads that it's much better to be on the outside and then you'd go back in and you'd be like lads you've no idea what it is and then they'd throw the thing to you and you'd be like what the fuck did you throw this to me for you fucking have it and then you're back

in the fucking game again it's hysterical rantings of mad men and they're trying to like have a conversation in the middle of it and then you're like well that was an insult

so they're getting on back and you're getting deep and then they went because you want to hurt them I don't know why no we're not going to do it no no I'm just going to say like I come out of

I come in to have a rant and he's going like I hate them because if you like every, I come out of, I come in to have a rant at Egan, like, I hate them because if you, like, every time I'm in their company, I love them deeply. They're my fucking best friends, right? I like hanging out with them.

But, like, how often is that once or twice a year? I mean, this fucking group, hating them every day. So, like, by volume, I hate them and I occasionally, every now and again, like them.

Just more hate them. So I'm just letting you know, I hate my friends. I was just coming in and Matty, Colin, arseholes, they're absolute fucking tubes. now and again like them. More hate them. So I'll just let you know I hate my friends. I'll just come in and Mattie Cullen arseholes pair of absolute fucking tubes.

Just fucking sat there and just been oh I fucking hate how shit my lungs are man. Fucking I can't tell you it makes me so stressed. It makes me so stressed to just think

how bad my lungs are getting. Fuck it. Honestly, honestly. Do you want one of these? Do you want one of these? No? One for me? It's so funny that you've left the group

and I'll just still show you what's been said. Yeah, and I'm like, man. I left for a reason, dude. I left because I was also starting to hate those two. No, everyone in the group is guilty. Everyone is shit. It's awful. Nobody in there is their best self

A couple of them are the worst Right, we've got more Q&A for you In the next episode We're putting this out again, super early access So that bonus episode can come out on Monday And that's going to be the second half of the Q&A Oh and also before we go, obviously Budapest you were fucking class, ta for that

that was fun Prague was great Wiesbaden, that was good, and Munich And thank you to Daniel and Simon, Adam and Afia's watched this or listened to it, but and Mark as well, thanks for getting me stuff back I'm looking forward to seeing yous in Newcastle Munich and VW

Wiesbaden, you were a new territory. Sorry, I've got a really fucking itchy nose for anyone just watching this. I don't mean to look like a fucking coke addict. Because I'm not anymore. VW Wiesbaden was a new territory. That was lots of good fun. And Munich, you are always class. And thank you to the people that brought us

weed there, the Geordies. That's a new yearly tradition. And yeah, just It was lots of good fun And Munich You are always class And thank you to the people That brought us Weed there The Jordies That's a That's a new yearly tradition And yeah Just thanks to all the Germans This is always Who would have thought Fucking seven years ago

That one of our favourite places To tour And tour extensively Would be fucking Germany It was actually Because like In Gibraltar Because we do most of our dates

In By terms of country Right We do about 20 territories in England Because we do most of our dates By terms of country Right We do about 20 territories in England We do about 10 in Scotland We do maybe about 12 in Australia We're 25 in the States 25 in America

And it's fucking Close to 10 in Germany Yeah And also like There's some that we've missed out on There's a particular one That we've done on the pathway Frankfurt

Dusseldorf I think Wiesbaden Is near Frankfurt And Stuttgart though isn't it Is it Aye I think I think that covers those two Aye

But aye we're something To do Dusseldorf We've not done Cologne this time No we're doing it Are we Is that not tomorrow Is it I think that's tomorrow

Oh right okay good Hamburg tonight Grand Oh Hamburg Where the pizza was made It is aye Alright Cans Bye