Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Keep Calm and AAARRRGGGHHH

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

With the world grinding to a halt, gigs and football matches being cancelled, Mark Nelson joins Muggins on the podcast to discuss the reaction and overreaction of the royal departure. Then they complain about the stupidity of smart cars.

Hello and welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Daniel is away on tour, so I'm filling in for him. And me and Kai, I think this one goes out on the day of the Queen's funeral. So me and Kai have been sat chatting about the reaction to that. We've been talking about smart cars. We've been talking about various shit we've got up to at festivals. It was a crack and laugh. It's probably going to get the pair of us cancelled and lose our entire jobs

but there you fucking go uh if you're not a patreon already please go ahead and do this sign up to them because i love seeing the pair of them make money that i don't and uh yeah there's loads of perks and you get a bonus episode and every now and again we'll send you a picture of Collins Cock if you have the Dropbox memory to receive that said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack aww moguls accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up

on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 Mark happy to have you on the pod alright good to see you back

do you know what I was I didn't realise you'd recorded one because this is a Monday and I didn't realise you'd recorded one yesterday and I thought I was

being drafted in for the fucking hand grenade episode behind the midfield the queen funeral queen death hand grenade episode you know

you know what you're not wrong you know because even though we recorded that one in the wake of a death and that'll come out on Thursday

as a Patreon episode this one'll come out for the public on the day of our funeral. Yes! So bat away, Mark. See how many unsubscribes you can get?

It's a fucking disgrace you're recording this while we're still in a period of national mourning. You know what, though? This will be like early access

for the patrons on the day. Yeah. But then on the Wednesday it'll be public and I think that's when we get out. We'll finish the patrons on the day. Yeah. But then on the Wednesday it'll be public and I think that's when we get out. We'll finish one morning on the Wednesday, right? So everyone's just like, wait, I'm not crying anymore.

I can crack on with my life. What, are you talking about a week on Wednesday? Not this Wednesday? Nah, nah. Nah. Because there's another nine days of this to go. We're time lords, mate. Alright.

We're getting this in the can. We're getting this in the can. We're getting this in the can so we've got nine days to edit it heavily. What's been your emotions, Mark? Oh, well, just sheer shock initially, then a wave of sadness, then extreme horny. You've been horny.

Has Amy been getting it it's been the best week of my life I've just like my overall

feeling's been one of like kind of ambivalence like I haven't really felt anything towards it but I've been fucking obsessed

with the people watching aye it's that kind of thing's exciting like I don't because I was listening to the radio

um driving over today and even now like it's wall to wall it's just fucking like it's not so bad with like some of the radio stations because they've they've had to play like somber music all weekend i was kind of wondering how the fuck like because i don't know how they define somber music right because it seems to be you can't have anything over a certain tempo right but apart from that as long as long as i hold on so could you put tenacious day exactly thank you gently is that what it's called what's the song called uh fucker gently yeah yeah you probably could right because that seems because i was listening to the bpm yeah i was listening to it I was listening to it it is, because I was listening

yesterday and two different radio stations played You're Beautiful by James Blunt and that's like a song about a guy stalking a girl and then killing himself and you're like going I don't think this is what she'd have wanted

I sting watching you yeah exactly what was it somebody uh somebody from school messaged me the other day and they got back in the car and they were playing the 50 shades of grey soundtrack you're like what the fuck why is that more why is that more appropriate than walking on sunshine you're not horny because the Queen died, you're horny because of the choice of playlisting to do the undertone of a fucking... Barry White just on...

Just positive reinforcement. But the people watching is incredible. There's a Twitter account called Grief Watch and it shows you all the mental tributes that have been paid to her. Aye. And some of them are fascinating. Is it stuff like, let's go over these, the cloud in the sky that has the silhouette of the queen?

Yeah. Which, like, when you're a kid, you could lie down and look at the fucking clouds, and just, like, there's a dragon. Oh, exactly. You'll always find what you want in the clouds. Yeah. You literally fucking look at the clouds, you'll find something that you want in the clouds you'll literally fucking look at the clouds

you'll find something that you want but people are like so hooked on the paranormal yeah yeah when Michael Hutchins

died after having a strangle wank I'm fairly certain if he'd have searched about you could have found a cloud with a belt round its neck

and a hotel door room in the background it would just rain just spurting at the end of his nimbus With a belt round its neck and a hotel door room in the background. It would just rain just spitting at the end of his nimbus. I'm going to use nimbus as a word for cock from now on. I've just added that to my lexicon. That was one of the ones that did it. The Met Office put out a statement saying they weren't going to put out as many weather reports out of respect to the queen but they were only going to give one every four

hours or something because an hourly weather report was massively disrespectful wow it's mad it's mad the way people fucking because i remember i just uh a friend of a friend died and it was like it was an older lady who I worked with and her friend had died and they were like and she was there at the funeral because like she only liked lilies

and they'd put roses on the coffin and some of that flower and they were like and there was a big gust of wind and they blew off and I just knew that was her I was like

that was what she did she was like not the lilies what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of

what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of

what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of what kind of send off is this for the fucking wrong flowers but like I don't know if people find

comfort in it just go you know just find a way to make it look like there was a supernatural fucking element

yeah I think some people are like that but some people are properly like performative grief

like it's like the kind of it happened with Diana as well it's like that kind of I'm hurting more than you it's like it's like that it's like the kind of it happened with Diana as well it's like that kind of I'm hurting more than you it's like it's a competition

over who can be the most upset I remember can you remember I used to have a routine about me when my grandad Harry died and me and me

me and me dad were like fucking clearing out his council house so they could move it on because they're fucking a ruthless man they need you to move

out the fucking shit out of the house so they can give it to someone else they're fucking ruthless, man. They need you to move out the fucking shit out of the house so they can give it to someone else. They don't care that you're grieving. Right? And we had his telly from his room, in my living room. And we didn't know what to do with it. It was this, like, kind of smallish telly, right?

And it had, like, you know, when they've got a DVD player on the side. Ah, yeah. And we didn't know what to do with it. No one particularly wanted it. We didn't know how much we could get for it. Working class people different like throwing things out that might be of use

to someone so we're just fucking trying to work out what to do and my dad was like first things first let's see if it works and he put it on

right he plugged it in and put it on and instantly porn started being a day to day player oh yes that was my version

of like most angels leave a feather I'm watching my granddad's porn with my dad That was my version of like, most angels leave a feather. I'm watching my grandad's porn with my dad. That's what I wanted. Wanking each other off in memory. Both were crying.

What kind of porn was it? Just standard? I can tell you what kind of porn it was because my dad ejected it immediately and it had in sharpie written on it 50 plus because that was the joke i did in my routine about it and i i was i was dreading i was dreading finding these uh i was dreading finding these like dvd wallet and i'm flicking through and I'm going 50 plus, 40 plus, 30 plus, 20 plus. And then I open the last page and I just go, no, granddad, no. Not a Mrs. Brown's Boys DVD.

That's what the routine was. But it was 50 plus. So there was the cloud and then there was a one where somebody posted a Facebook status like that corgi's what acting strange yeah yeah yeah yeah like is anybody else's corgi acting strange mine have been so quiet it's almost like they know

like there's this fucking corgi string theory connecting the fucking lot of them like like twins yeah yeah twin feels something there was there was one i put up a saturday actually and it was that they i didn't partly the the queen's official beekeepers i don't even should kept bees so they said that the Queen's official beekeepers have said that this morning

they've informed the bees of what's happened and my joke was if there's any animal you don't want to announce

the Queen's die that's fucking bees like is this going to be masked with a what? the fucking Queen? oh you're Queen

yeah yeah yeah whoo whoo whoo whoo the hive going to shit because that that actually

bringing insects into it points out how actually fucked up we are right because a queen bee or a queen ant right

they're the breeders right the queen fucking xenomorph on alien they're the breed? They're the breeders, right? The queen fucking xenomorph on Alien. They're the breeders. They're the breeders, right? So the fucking, the soldiers and the fucking workers and that, their whole motivation in life is to fucking look after the queen.

Yeah. Because that's the fucking, that's the... That's what keeps it alive. That's the fucking womb of the operation. That's what keeps this whole fucking community alive is the queen, right? And it's like a fucking legit reason for the soldiers to pledge allegiance to the cause right yet we have that same pledge of allegiance but it's not like the fucking queens in buckingham palace laying eggs

no i would have a lot more respect for her if she was like the queen and alien like i would be fucking god now in my life like i'd be i'd be a fucking soldier at hand Oh man imagine that Just a queen hanging from a fucking roof In a fucking palace This massive tube Just pumping eggs out all over the ground Oh They clap

Genuine grief And genuinely like fucking who's going to be the next one Yeah Prince Charles is going to be up there laying eggs I didn't even think so Somebody put up a thing yesterday um it was an american actually and then they did the i think it was sky news had given a list of who all the the next in line were so it's like prince william and it's like prince george prince louis one of the other ones because

the lassie as well isn't it yeah because they're not like, they're pretty woke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're not going to get out of the men in line and then fuck with running to men. Yeah. And then start going through the women. Yeah. But what they said was, so there was like,

there was them and then there was the three kids and then there was Prince Harry. And they were like, that's just what's mental about that. Like, what other job would there be a an announcement or a chat where they're going right who have we got as backup here we've got a guy a failed

helicopter pirate three children that are in primary school and a cunt that does podcasts in California now and then and then a pedo I wonder how many out. And then a pedo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder how many... You ever seen the film King Ralph?

Yeah. It's got John Goodman in it and it's a film about this American guy who's like way down the line of the throne and there's this gathering of all the members of the royal family like everybody, like cousins, fucking everything's set in cousins and there's this gathering of all the members of the royal family, like everybody, like cousins, fucking everything, second cousins. And there's an electrical storm and they all get electrocuted. And he's like the last living person,

but he's this like massively fat alcoholic American. So I'm wondering how far down the line it would become, Prince Andrew. How many people would have to die? Do you want to Google that, Matthew? Because I'd... See if you can find it. I'd be willing to go on a killing spree

to see that happen. I think it's it. Like, you'd have to, if there happened to be a fucking terrorist attack on the funeral or something when they're out together grieving.

Yeah. And then, and then they obviously hadn't wheeled out Prince Andrew because he's still fucking being kept underground. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Do you see him grow up

with his daughter's arse? I did see that aye I didn't realise it was his daughter initially aye because I didn't know what was happening

I thought it was just another well wisher I thought it was his missus or something aye I didn't like

but it's weird I didn't keep up with the reality TV show enough to know who he's married to and what his wife looks like

it's weird isn't it he's 8th in line 8th in line so there's only 7 to go and it's him there's only 7 on your Deadpool mate you've got here he's eighth in line he's eighth in line so there's only only seven to go and it's him there's only seven

on your Deadpool mate before you you've got to mirror a couple of children though see that's hang on are we committing

treason on the podcast is that what's happening oh we're only suggesting it we're not actually doing it so Elliot kept dating it yesterday he was like

it's a comedy podcast it's a satire that's a lot that's a lot closer than I thought it would be another thing is when we're talking about the people watching there was a lot of people that are like there was one of them in particular that was

I don't care if the queen forgive Harry for what he put her through I don't forgive if the Queen forgive Harry for what he put her through I don't forgive him I know Harry not the one that was involved in human trafficking went to Epstein Island what Harry put her through

that shows you where people's heads are that they can marry in a black lass is far worse than fucking a young'un in their heads. But that's where you'll never get like, genuinely with the whole thing, I've been always like,

listen, if people want to grieve, fair enough. I can understand why people would be upset about it. I don't get it, but I'm not going to piss on other people's. I object to the enforced mourning. Oh yeah. I object to being on the TV all the time. I object to going down the motor TV all the time. I object to going

down the motorway and every advertising board being that. Your football's cancelled. Aye. You're like, yeah, affecting my life

and I haven't watched your show. Aye, exactly. Aye. Aye, and also, right?

If Love Island started affecting my life like this, then I'd start being a bit vocal about Love Island when passively now I'd just go away

if you enjoy it, that's your thing. Just as a side point with that, right? With football being cancelled. It's been on BBC 24-7 pretty much, right? Since it happened.

See if any cunt ever moans about football again. You know when the World Cup comes around and you'll see these fannies will come up and go, football on again? How can they possibly find so much to talk about with football? You fucking kidding me on? 12 days? 12 days you've been doing this?

Aye. Pinching a dying. Aye. But what was my point? Aye. I don't have any problem with that. But I do have a problem with the mindset of people like that. There's people going, about Meghan Markle going,

she has no place at that funeral whatsoever. And you're going, why? Because she's an American black lassie. That's why. But like you're saying, that fucking guy, that guy,

he deserves a place at the top table. The people who are like, oh, she deserves no place there. They feel like they deserve a place at the funeral. Yeah. They feel like they deserve a place, yet they can't. What, a grandson's wife can't? Fucking mental. It's amazing how involved people are.

Oh. Like you say, I try not to get swept up in any of it, but fucking my life gets swept up in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, now I have to be involved in this. Well, even though I... Now I have to be involved in this. Well, even... Now I have to have an opinion because fucking

me transport's changed and me travel plans have changed and me recreation's changed. So now you're forcing us to fucking have an opinion about your thing. Yeah. Even last night,

one of my kids was looking, we're going to get, they wanted to buy something off Amazon. And as soon as you go on Amazon, the entire top banner is a picture of the Queen and rest in peace and all that kind of stuff. buy something off Amazon. And as soon as you go on Amazon, the entire top banner is a picture of the Queen and rest in peace and all that kind of stuff.

So literally you cannot escape it. You cannot escape it. That's the corporate shit as well, isn't it? The corporate side of things. That's not doing it out of respect. No, they're just terrified. That's doing it out of appeal. That's doing it out of like, ooh, how can we pander to these people who buy our things? Exactly., they're just terrified. That's doing it out of appeal. Yeah. That's doing it out of like, ooh, how can we pan that

to these people who buy our things? Exactly. And they're so terrified of if they don't do it, there'll be some mass backlash. Aye.

Which is a terrible way to run a country. Like, it's a terrible idea that if you... Should we change the banner on the Patreon? Aye. So, have you been affected much by it like with cancellations

and that yeah I got I got everything cancelled at the weekend oh hold on did I not read that you were

fucking already on your train yeah to get to your gig in Leeds in Leeds yeah yeah fuck man

and it's not generally don't blame the guy that puts on the gig at Leeds. In Leeds, yeah. Yeah, fuck man. And it's not, generally don't blame the guy that puts on the gig at all because he was just as frustrated as everyone else. It was the venue had suddenly decided that they didn't think

it was best that they go ahead. And they didn't, because a couple of people messaged me afterwards saying they were going to go to the gig and they were furious as well and going, we weren't consulted.

Yeah. We weren't told. there was there was no because there's been some clubs that have gone right we're not closing but if anyone feels it's inappropriate that they come or they don't want to come you'll be given a free refund or you'll be allowed to rearrange for another date no questions asked no problem at all yeah right but people do still want to come we'll be open and we'll be there and that's the i think i think that's the right way to deal with it rather than just assuming yeah assuming people aren't grown-ups that can make up their own fucking decisions yeah i don't know i i can't speak for every individual gig but i think that um i think that there's a large portion of gigs

that um weren't selling well in the used it as an excuse well i think i probably fell under that banner oh yeah because uh i had a chat with gav because we're running a punch drunk um and uh kerry marks is on headline and he texted us going i haven't booked my train ticket yet uh let us know when you know what's happening with a gig and i spoke to gavin i was like how's it selling he was like you know what we've done better out the blocks like it's it's got to be one of our smaller attendances unless it picks up and all that and i was like right well if we do if we do like pull it let's just be honest let's just go and look it's not selling that well we're gonna do we're gonna arrange it for another day when like people whatever like yeah yeah yeah

like when there isn't a fucking cost to live in crisis another day when people, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When there isn't a fucking cost-to-living crisis. Yeah, exactly. When people are wanting to come out the hoose. I don't know. When you're promoting, you can never put your finger on why something isn't particularly selling well. It might just be like we didn't promote it very well. Soft launched it.

Because we announced that it was on before we announced the headliner. So we were like, but if we depull the gigs, can we not use the fucking death of a 96-year-old woman as an excuse? No, exactly. And just actually just go on. But we are going ahead with it. I know. There is enough sales for it to break even

and for it to be a good gig for our guests. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just isn't going to be hugely lucrative unless a few more people come. Aye. But we're like, so we're going ahead with it. But the fact that we had that conversation told me that a lot of people with, with,

with less honesty. Undoubtedly. Aye, a lot of people with less honesty just went, oh God, I was about to lose 400 pounds. Yeah,

exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, totally. Aye, erm, I can't remember. Aye, so, were you about to throw someone under the bus?

No, no, no. Well, you're not fine, well, that's what and then you realised that this was a

public episode I forgot what I was going to say the instant out of throwing someone under the bus the amount of times I've stopped

stitching my mates by saying that the real honest one is I know exactly what I wanted to say I'm just not saying it. So, gigs cancelled. Also,

there's fucking, as well as the transport being fucked up, because British Airways pulled all of the flights, didn't they? Because they're not using all the flights for the military. Which I think's fucked up as well, because the queen has loyal servants

i.e. us a people who she loves and reigns over with affection why the fuck would she want us to be stranded

in an airport in her name I don't think anything why the fuck would she want us fucking hanging around fucking terminal 5

if he for a while allowed fucking British Airways place get redirected to yeah like that's that's

that's countdown it's against everything that you should should yeah loosely

stand for but somebody was telling me that they need to basically every five star hotel in London

if you're booked into it you're not anymore. Ah, I feel... Like you're getting turfed out because literally everyone in... Every... Every dignitary in the world

is coming to London for this. Well, fuck you. We didn't book in advance. Get the Premier in. Get fucking... Hi, there you are. Get Biden in the Premier in. Imagine that hotel bar.

Just fucking... Getting up for hotel breakfast now. The tables are dirty. You know how that would be? Imagine that hotel bar. Getting up for hotel breakfast now. The tables are dirty. You know when you're in a dodgy hotel and they just haven't got the staff. There's leftover fucking beans on the table like you said doonad. And you just shove it to one side

to have your own breakfast. The pile of leftovers on the table. This is Alensky and Putin having a fight at the pool table. the pile of left hours on the table. This is Alensky and Putin having a fight at the pool table.

Filling their beer bar bottles back up with water. Do you reckon Trump will go to the funeral? I was interested in this. You never know what's real on the internet obviously, right?

But did he do a fucking social media post that he got knighted by the queen in private was that actually one of his posts or did somebody just make that up

I think it was it read like someone with the onion yeah yeah but it had his name and his blue tick and I'm like well I could make that

I could put his name and a blue tick on but that would be very funny a fucking he just gate crashes I hope that is true what you hope it's true that he said gate crashes I hope it is true well then he

what you hope it's true that he said it or you hope it's true that it happened both imagine she's just there fucking hammered got a tyre under her head

she doesn't have a she doesn't have a sword she just needs a bit of spaghetti remember them plastic swords you used to get from the fair they'd have a sheath she'd do it with'd have a sheath sheath

with spaghetti oh for fuck's sake of course it is of course it is it's all fake not if it's real there never was a queen she's a lizard

but I it's the public transport rule. There never was a queen she's a lizard. But it's the public transport from the flights is fucked and then I went to get me I went to book my train back from London and there was just no trains available. This is on the weekend of like 21st or 24th. I can't remember

what it is. But I didn't think it was because of the Queen I think there's I think there's already strikes on aye there's already strikes on and then they're cancelling

shit as well because you know the nation that fucking invented keep calm and carry on is just fucking going let's be hysterical

that's a new t-shirt you get that in a teapot now I wish I knew how to spell it so that could be the title of the podcast ahhhh Siri how do you spell

ahhhh aye but it's fucking bananas aye where so you did have anything cancelled no

nah I done I talked about this yesterday but I done the Glasgow Glee and I was like that because it feels safe

to be in Scotland do you because like they're not as bothered as the fucking especially in Glasgow but I was concerned that Glasgow

would be a bit divided I don't even think with that I don't even think it's like that they probably cancelled the football

because you're gonna have a lot of people who are going to chant inflammatory things. Apparently that is the... Like... I kind of imagine Celtic fans would be that respectful about the Queen's death. No, they wouldn't. But I imagine the Rangers fans would be like,

she's our angel. But the... I don't know, mate. I honestly haven't got my finger on the pulse enough with the fucking old firm I'm scared of it

but it's just no but Liverpool as well Liverpool were like one of the main reasons the EFL pulled all the weekends

because they're very anti-establishment yeah I mean they're anti literally everything Liverpool if there's a chance that it'd be

anti-something it's just they would do it but it's which I quite like I know that's why I find it'd be anti-something it's just they would do it but it's which I quite like I know that's why I find it really

conflicting in me that like a lot of the time when Liverpool are like fucking mad socialists and fucking like hating the Tories and all that

I'm like fucking these cunts man good guys and then when they get beat I'm like get it up there you cunt and then Klopp rolls out one of his shite excuses and they get it up and they come and then and then Klopp rolls out

one of his shite excuses and they go yeah you've just fucking ruined this yeah by that that was the that was the part

of the reason they didn't want they didn't want the embarrassment of because it happened on Thursday night because like Liverpool and Celtic

was the two teams that were mentioned where they go oh well they won't respect it definitely but then on Thursday Hearts fans

booed a minute silence and so did Arsenal fans did they so I think it's right across I think it's just

right across football fans I thought the country's armory would they totally forgot who they were for a minute

didn't they I think Cullen Cullen Ryan Cullen Irish Ryan Cullen supporting Arsenal come on the Gunners

you're like where do you think that gun was pointing yeah yeah exactly one of those guns killed your grandad Cullen

people forget people forget the history of football as well so yeah and you know what people forget people forget the history of football as well like so yeah and you know what that's gonna happen still like

like when when Rangers play Liverpool there's gonna there's gonna be static if that's there'll have to be an old firm again

doing the line it's gonna happen just fucking let it happen it's like trying to put it to fire with a fucking like water pistol I know like what are happen aye just fucking let it happen it's like trying to put out a fire with a fucking like water pistol aye

like what you doing just fucking get it out the way rip the plaster off aye just fucking let it let it happen if you know what

don't give it news coverage aye like if that's what you want like fuck you know when a street car runs on the pitch and it just fucking turns like the cameras elsewhere

yeah if you fucking if you're scared of that just turn the fucking cameras elsewhere and let it happen, let it fizzle out. As an example to your, like the fact that that British idea of keep calm and carry on

thing, right, Celtic are due to play Shakhtar on Wednesday night. Aye. A club whose country are involved in an actual fucking war and they're going ahead and then someone made the point of Denmark at the Euros were made

to finish the game when they didn't know if their captain was dead or alive but we can't play on a Saturday because on a Thursday someone, do you know what I mean? That's when you can go, this is a bit fucking ridiculous. Everyone just fucking chill out

man, what are you doing? And it's like, it's always it's costing working class people money a lot of the time as well. Of course. A lot of the time it's like, the cricket gans ahead and the horse racing gans ahead, but the thing that they work as used for escape, that's the bit that's cancelled. Aye. And I just

feel like there's a lot it seems steeped in classism like all the people who work at the stadium bars and cafeterias and all that are they still getting paid

like the footballers most of them in zero are contracts so they'll get fuck off so they've lost an entire week weekends worth of wages

all of the like the businesses surrounding the match on match day even just the fucking guys on the stall selling scarves exactly what's a wage all of the like the businesses surrounding the match on match day you know even just the

fucking guys on the stall selling scarves exactly like everybody's just getting their fucking livelihood ripped from them with no compensation

and going crack on like fucking deal with that no exactly you're like you're like what but the posh clints get their thing aye aye

aye I know I know anyway aye what do we do their thing aye aye aye no I know anyway aye what do we do we just fucking we just fucking you know what we do

we just go ahead we'll have a little rant and put it on a podcast and then we'll fucking dust ourselves off and carry on as normal no exactly you've lost your fucking

weekend's graft because of the thing no exactly you've got bills to pay and all that I know not just lost your weekend's graft

but you fucking bought a train ticket that you won't get reimbursed I know I'm all that. I know, I know. And not just lost your weekend's graft, but you fucking bought a train ticket that you won't get reimbursed. Oh, no, I'm getting that. Oh, I'm getting that. Are you getting that back? Oh, no, there's no way. I mean, I'm going to, like,

like I say, I'm not... Even though you took the journey. I'm not taking it out on the promoter at all because he was shafted just as much because he'd spent money on advertising. But the venue, I'm fucking going after, Lex. Because,

oh aye, because I've read shit loads, that they didn't have to, it was entirely their choice, to cancel it. You've got to be there, in the small claims court, and all that,

just stuff, you're sued. Better call Saul, and fucking, like. Spent with three grand, getting your 70 quid back. It's a fucking principle.

I think you'll find I have to go I had to go off at Carlisle and then get my sway hole is that what you did oh that's a fucking sad day when you're getting off the train at Carlisle for no reason like

oh it's just screaming yelling into the air oh but eh Just yelling into the air. But, what else can we talk about? Let's get a change, because, speaking of gear changes,

I've got to phone Carl off Audi. I didn't intend that link. Ah yeah, just before we started the podcast, while I sat down, while plugging and playing, fucking Audi ringers just going

oh you fucking do you know how cars talk to the like provider now see I didn't because my car's not electronic enough to cause a snitch

my car fucking rang Audi and was just like he hasn't changed my oil will you give him a ring to go and change my oil someone needs to have a word with this prick. I blinked a little light and he didn't even,

he just ignored it. So how is it talking to it? So is there a central computer that's attached to like a... Well, I know the computer, I know that's fucking dishing out information because I can, I can like look at my phone now and tell you how many miles I've got if my door's open, if the car's unlocked.

Oh, right. Jesus. It's handy that the Apple type of isn't fucking like, you've left the boot open when you've parked up, and it'll fucking leave a GPS of where to park. It's fucking useful. Aye. For how much money was spent on that technology,

I didn't use that enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For the exchange rate, because it's a lease car I got it I get it for three years I pay a monthly fucking thing for it

I hand it back and then I'll get a fucking I'll get a new car I don't know how the transition works because I don't know if I have to do

I don't know if I have to get a because you were telling me about the cars that are in fucking short supply because of the computer chips ah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

so like the fucking price of cars are going up and like the fucking production lane so i'm i'm due in december 2023 to hand that back so i don't know if i've got to get in touch with them now and be like can i have another one lined up and if there's just like a slick here's your new car i'm going to take the old one away if i'm going to have like an overlap or i'm going to have a gap where i don't have a car i didn't really like plan or discuss that far ahead yeah right but the thing we're having at least car is you have to um or if I'm going to have like an overlap or I'm going to have a gap where I don't have a car. I didn't really like plan or discuss that far ahead. Yeah.

Right. But the thing we're having in Lease Car is you have to hand it back with a full service history. And if that was just, if that was just my car and the guy was ringing his guy and you need to have an oil change,

it's going to cost you, I think it was like 250 quid or something. And then he's like, oh, and while you're in, you might as well get the pollen filter changed. And I was like, and he was like, oh, and well get the pollen filter changed and I was like and he was like oh and the brake fluid and that's an extra 90

and this is going to be and I'm like yeah it's it's a leased car do exactly what needs to be done for me to hand this back and not get charged

aye there wouldn't be adding shit aye like just keep it to the fucking strip aye

I don't give a fuck about like the longevity of this car really I want that shit just do the fucking bare minimum but like if he rang me

and went it's 250 quid for an oil change if that was my car I'd just be getting on to getting on to the phone to my mate Scott

aye and be like if you've got a fucking minute mate can you do an oil change for us and he'd just fucking take a bit of

cash off us and not run through the hill or something you don't know how to change yourself what? you don't know how to change yourself what you don't know how to change yourself i need out but i didn't think i can hand in a lease car we'll fucking oh no if you start if you start trying to fix it yourself you'll be absolutely yeah and i'm not like i'm not educated enough and not just how to date but the system like i don't know how much this like so i'm

i'm just fucking my phone rings it's out here and i i'm already just taking me belt off and pulling my pants down and bending now i'm pulling my ass cheeks apart and i made just spit on it made but i remember uh who's it was i think it was my wife's uncle um he had like a he had like a car for his company and it was like a proper electronic car and he was talking to me about how much of a pain in the arse it is because if something goes wrong even the most basic of things the car stops fucking like you can't

open the car like it literally doesn't open oh it's not safe when I can't let you drive it is that what it does you can't you couldn't even like you know how like you know like you're in an older car and shit would happen and you could pretend you knew what the fuck you were looking for

and you could open up the boot and go there was some smoke in there you can't even do that you can't even get access to it anymore and there was a there was a lassie

because he says he felt pure sorry for her because she'd just passed her test she still had like the green L plates is it an L plate or a P plate? well if you've just passed yeah you know what i there is a paper but i think you can have green l's so she wasn't she wasn't

long past anyway and basically around about he was going around and she'd come out too early and she'd nudged the back of him and it was like a minor scrape and maybe something needed dented out of the the bumper at the back but and she was like look can we just like fucking and he was like we can't because there's so much electronics in this now that even the tiniest a bump can completely fuck the interior yeah you and so suddenly it's gone from being it's gone from being just getting a bit

of metal fixed to getting a laptop fixed yeah it's a machine now it's like yeah and like

I feel like it's not quite there yet with how smart it is as a car like you're like oh we're the ones that are fucking we're the generation

that are getting the fucked up smart smart car it's fucking it thinks it's smart aye but it's You're like, oh, we're the ones that are fucking, we're the generation that are getting the fucked up smart, smart call. It's fucking, it thinks it's smart. Aye. But it's, it's got additional needs. Aye.

Shouldn't have done the voice. It can't even fucking. I should have either done the voice or said additional needs. The fact that I did them both just, I'm not going to edit it out, but I am gonna apologize and admit that i i know i was wrong right but but but do remember i'm talking about a car a car

fucking listen to another podcast i'd also like to apologize for saying i'd murder three children so a paedophile could be head of the country this fucking smart car that I'm driving right I'll fucking you'll get a drift over onto another lane or you'll get an overtake

without indicating and it'll be like lane assist in a fucking you've got like a pitch of your car with two just two green lights there and one of them will turn red you're about to drift into another lane and it'll put up a bit of resistance on the steering wheel and like push your steering wheel which is fucking handy if you're gonna be driving along texting or whatever which i don't know oh you're pissed right like you're fucking you're dozing off

and then you're fucking steering wheel takes an hour and it fucking snaps you to it like it's really fucking putting the bumpers up on you being like an absolute

dickhead at the wheel right and not paying attention to the road it's putting the bumpers up on that shit right so it probably brings

your insurance down the fact that that exists but you know if I'm in the outside lane and then there's one of the lane i'm in is about to close and then the fucking cones are drifting into one lane and the lane just merges into another one right it tries to push you into the cones or does it it's going oh you're drifting off the lane you're like i'm fucking i'm going to the lane because i'm fucking going into one lane i'm being i'm being merged yeah I'm being merged and you're fucking

us off into the cones I nearly killed that fucking TM boy yeah yeah traffic management TM boy sounds weirdly

sexual doesn't it so I there's still bits in it like that where like or if a car like breaks up

it'll like it'll beep and then put like fucking collision alert and the beep makes you look away from the road at the dash

and go collision alert and you're like I was busy looking at that why are you why are you trying to snap us out of me focus when I'm fucking

dealing with someone slamming the brakes on in front of us you make it seem like I have something tap us on the shoulder while I'm fucking busy. That's the point. Either have it that it's completely in control,

or it's not in control, because this halfway house shit makes it more dangerous. It's giving us a hand with shit that I never need a hand with. But it's like when they talk about the self-drive cars and stuff. Because they're not... When I first heard about self-drive cars i was like that's fucking class but you still need to be alert or you still need to be sitting there at the wheel concentrating so like why like i want self-drive car to me is you get asleep

in the back i mean or you can because it's much easier to keep concentration if you've got little things to do exactly along the way but just sitting there waiting for something that might happen

you're never going to be alert enough to like you're just on watch exactly yeah you're essentially a lifeguard

yeah you're just lifeguard in your car trying not to drift off into thought I really don't want to turn into an old man with it all but I really find myself turning into an old man because I've put up a lot of resistance to cars going automatic as well and I'm wrong

because so many people one of my mates arguments with us was like what do you want it to have a key for you to put your ignition key in as well

instead of just the button push and he said that as if it was a slam and part of us was going I do I I get in the car right

and my keys may be in my fucking bag or something I don't know where they are right in my fucking when I've got them in my hand I put it in there and i know exactly where my keys are and that's where they are right right and fucking and i'm like you might as well have took away my

cup holder all right like oh you know we've we've took your cup holder out and i'm like because that's i'm being a fucking old cantankerous old cunt and also because because, and also, because I like that, I like getting in and putting, even if you just put your key there, you still let us have the input device. Aye. So I can put it in. But there's a lot of stuff that I would miss. I like the noise cars make.

Do you know what I mean? I like the fucking hum of the engine and shit. You know what I mean? I like putting the handbrake on. Aye. I hate this little, dude. I know. Dude. I didn't like, I didn't Aye I hate this little Dude I know Dude I didn't like

I didn't I didn't like I didn't like them Do you know And I know I know that Like everybody That attacked me

Is just like That I'm putting up resistance To these like Cool little functions And all that But I'm just like I fucking I like to be able to put

The handbrake on And at a level Like I'll put it on Like a bit If I'm there And now when you're on a hill And you're like Fucking crank it right up Aye aye yeah yeah And you walk away with the security that you know yeah that you put it there

yeah exactly i it also do you know else it does anytime you get new stuff on cars and you've not dealt with them before it makes you look a fanny right this happened to us when we were on holiday at the start of july we get this hire car off this company in Portugal. We always get it off the same folk. So it's like, we got there at like half ten at night. So there's always that kind of, because they're pretty unreliable anyway, there's always that, are they actually going to be there?

So eventually we found this guy that's basically at the back of a van open. And then this guy brings around the car and we got uh we had the car seat as well so because like yeah some european countries still aren't up to the standard of car seats that are really required like literally like some countries that still let you travel in the fucking boot uh yeah so we they were they were the days yeah yeah oh fuck man the amount of us that used to fit the car to go to ingram valley yeah yeah you're gonna pick your granddad up when you've already got five in the car so you're not gonna put granddad in the boot are you it's fucking it's middle child that guy's

in there so i'm so we get this car so i've got the car seat out from my son and we're a i'm looking at the back seat for a handle to open up the back door uh right there's no handle there for the handle would normally be so i'm like all right i didn't realize it was just like a three-door car so i'm like right so i can't how am i getting the car seat on? So because it's hot, the windows are already down. So I'm trying to jam this fucking car seat through the back window, right? And it's obviously, it's nowhere near going. And then this girl who worked for them, literally must have been about 18,

just came and the door handle was on the top of it. Just went like that and opened it up. And I've never looked like such a fanny in my life. I'm fucking trying to kick a car seat in a window you're like why would you fuck with where

the door handle is on a car why would it be up there why just make it like the bonnet where you're like fucking trying to find the clit

I don't know why a bonnet doesn't just open like a fucking door that's so true you've already masked that door handle just chuck one on the bonnet doesn't just open like a fucking door. That's so true. You've already masked that door handle, just chuck one on the bonnet.

Stop making a... Find that wee switch. Come on, you. As well, the amount of times I've pulled up to the fucking petrol station in a hire car, in a fun we sell Googling, even writing, petrol station in like a hire car in a fun we sell googling how the even right in

how the fuck do you open the petrol cap on a fucking 2021 Corsa like just fucking just pop the

thing just pop the thing why have you it's all yeah it's yeah next to the mirror

it's stupid me fucking fuck with the system Yeah, next to the mirror. It's stupid me. Fucking fuck with the system. We had a good system. We're in Lindisfarne, and the guy that was parked up next to Ricketts' camper van, right, had left.

He put his phone on charge and fucking didn't turn his car on to charge his phone. That's about it. It's his last day of a festival. His fucking battery's there, and Ricketts has got this fucking power bank that's meant to charge your phone that's the battery so it's the last day of a festival his fucking battery's there and Ricketts has got this like fucking power bank that like meant to charge your battery up

for some reason or other that's fucking not working with his car and they were like let's fucking old school let's all push it alright roll it

down the hill we're pointing it down the hill it's on grass so there's a bit of resistance but there's plenty of way and we'll fucking get a bit of speed up

and fucking lift his clutch and all that now what's happening it doesn't work anymore you can't even do this second gear thing the electronic fucking and we'll fucking get a bit of speed up and fucking lift his clutch and all that. Now what's happening? It doesn't work anymore. You can't do the second gear thing. Electronic fucking starting car, automatic and all that. How the fuck are you meant to start that?

So we're just going through the motions like we would. And we're like, why would you take, why would you take that element away from a car? That's the beauty of being able to start a fucking car that's the battery with just manpower all right but it makes you feel woman power but all right you know what you can stand next to the door and pretend to run i've seen you i've seen you's on it makes you feel class as well if you start a car like that it does it's like you've tracked the car eh how because I was

a little in this for a brief afternoon which I'm kind of glad about when I saw the state he is on this

oh mate he turned up I was fucking covering blood on that oh no was that was that the night after I was

covering blood it was a day it was a day after so I'd been patched up aye I'd been patched up that day

that we were fucking some clip that festival man it was great it was honestly the day after I'd been patched up aye I'd been patched up that day that wee one fucking some clip that festival man it was great it was honestly fucking it was like a kaleidoscope

I'd just put myself through a fucking kaleidoscope it was brilliant that wee lad was class isn't he great that wee jack guy

aye yeah I'm a big fan of him like I just swept him off the street aye it's unbelievable I'd met this wee guy and

how old is he 24 he's 24 but generally the cunt could be 62 the way he looks like he's got like a fucking moustache

he looks like a redneck yeah he does he does he looks like you know what you could cast him in the Ozarks and he would be

fucking like he does aye he would be a superb casting wouldn't he aye but he was class fucking legs he does he would be a superb casting wouldn't he aye but he was class man he's fucking

he's really fucking quick witted now he makes us laugh loads we're watching Cullen right we're at the back of a gig

that Cullen was on and Cullen done a joke of trying to contact his gran with a Ouija board and he just leaned into me and he goes

this Ouija's board and he just gets his shit in all the time that's fucking brilliant man who fucking I went we're in fucking

Ricketts' we're in Ricketts' camper van and just hung over in the morning trying to get our work home down and fucking

Ricketts opens this fucking sweetie drawer and he's just like fucking man looking like he with a sweet drawing your van

he's fucking riding on Ricketts like this right and Ricketts give him his fucking delicious chocolates that he'd gotten from fucking

TB or something right he's like fucking have these and it was he was like he just gave his napalm

what's going on my face was exploding it was fucking chilly chocolates but made I didn't mind hot shit I like hot sauce

on my breakfast I'm cool with hot food these fucking chocolates were blowing me mind little Jack with his ginger mullet and his

glasses on fucking little satchel on him and I'm like proper angry just goes you know what it is I've been here

for 24 hours I've took whatever fucking Jordies and put them in my palm I've put them through the hatch I've been here for 24 hours, I've took whatever fucking Jordies and put them in my palm, I've put them through the hatch, I've had a good time. I didn't think it was

going to be fucking chocolates that stung it. He's proper kicking off a ring. Well, he's a fucking class kid, like, I'm going to try

and get him on more shit. Where did you meet him then? I saw him on Red Raw. Right. I was just trying out some new shit for the Fringe at Red Raw. And there was like a handful I had done, but he was one where I was just like fucking... In Glasgow?

Yeah, I was like instantly, I was like, I fucking like his gear. I like his chat backstage and all that. He didn't seem like he was fucking in on the fucking... You know how sometimes it's just a weird vibe backstage? They're always either on the claim or like trying to fucking I hate it they're trying to elevate status

because have you ever been in there where they don't know that you're a professional comic that's come in to do your new spot so they think that you're new and they're trying to give you advice and all that and you just smile

and let them do it and all that you're like okay I don't get that I go in wearing a crown now so that they fucking know half the time the youngins do

because they watch comedy they turn up they know what's happening but every now and again you'll get someone

in there that just turns up for their own fucking spot and they're the ones that didn't really get very far

because they're not learning he just dies he went in he was just selling his fuck straight away backstage

he'd done class on his gig and then when we were watching we were watching the Toon match Toon Tranmia

he was in supporting PSV against Rangers oh really aye he was just there to watch whoever Rangers were getting beat off I think they

weren't that good just being a little cretin I ended up going on the lash with him I went to drink with him I thought I'd culling run

having his life and then I gave him a buzz about coming to the festival with us and he fucking quit his job to do it I think I'm covering old ground aren't I

I'm very tired of this but he was he was fucking cleaning the streets with fucking jet washers and all that scab crossing the picket line he was he was fucking cleaning the streets with fucking jet washers and all that scab crossing the picket line

he was thinking we'd quit his job anyway and when I offered him that weekend he fucking booked his job and come away it was like a fucking

make a wish for him anyway so I'm gonna try and get him on a few more things I don't know I don't know what much more I can get him on but like

I'll put his name he's only been gone eight months fuck I wish I could have hung about to see see what he's only been Gary eight months fuck I wish I could have hung about to see see what he's like on stage

like he does a lot of stuff about like a juxtaposition of his personality like fucking listening to Susan Boyle in the bath

and all that like guilty pleasure like stuff that betrays his personality like it's fucking that afternoon

after I'd left the comedy tent so I said to you I was going to go and get some food so I went down I got like mac and cheese

and shit and I was just sitting there before I got back in the car and that's when I got that's when I got banned from Twitter oh shit during that

during that afternoon I was like so if I hadn't stopped to get that mac and cheese I wouldn't have happened what was the what was the thing that got you banned off Twitter? folk were messaging me going what joke was it

and it wasn't even a joke it was Simon Lomas yes he's Manchester, he's fucking brilliant one liner, deadpan as fuck and me and him were really good pals and he was gigging up in aberdeen and he'd put

a joke or something about scotland as he was passing so he'd taken he was getting a lift he'd taken a picture of the sign that says welcome to scotland with a flag and then he'd put something about it and i'd reply to him going if you ever speak like that again i'll beat you to death yes right and someday then complained to twitter of course twitter then looked into it and i got banned for bullying behavior violent threats you're getting banned from the cesspit getting when you see how much fucking hatred there is on there it's unbelievable to be on there

and cross the line I know genuinely and it's so frustrating because you can't you've got no comeback to it at all

that's like not getting into bubbles in Ashton you know what I mean you're too drunk while like two lasses are kicking shit

out of each other in the yard and not getting thrown out. There's a guy with a smear on his own shit in the walls. What have I done? A bar where the,

actually I don't know if it was Bubbles, it might have been a different bar in Ashton but there was one that, you know Black Eye Friday? The Friday where everybody finishes work for Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a promotional deal where like, if you've got a pre-existing black eye, you get a free shot. You got banned from that place. You got told that you were too drunk to come in there.

You've been too rowdy. Not tonight, mate. It's Black Eye Friday. We don't want you ruining the night. You're sort of bringing down the tone of the place. So, basically, do you think a human read it or do you think it was all algorithm based

this is hate speech I think someone I got informed that someone had reported me and then an algorithm looks at the language I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was a wee prick but it was

I think it then looks at it but then it becomes, that's when it becomes frustrating because you file an appeal but then the appeal goes to a computer and an algorithm and then the algorithm goes we've read your appeal and we've read the language

in the initial tweet and you're still buying. So you need to speak to a human. How do you speak to a human? So I spent a full day fucking deep diving so I found Twitter's address in Britain.

You did? I genuinely was thinking about it. Twitter, it's me. Twitter, it's me, it's Mark. Twitter's address in Britain you're doing them right and Jamie was thinking about it like Twitter it's me Twitter it's me it's Mark Elon

Elon get fucking out of here yeah I've got 15,000 followers 14,000 it's not even 15,000 15,000 people

missing out on my shit man you better you better hope the Queen doesn't die next week because I've got some gold sitting

there in my drafts but it's like they don't exist like fathers for justice you're fucking

dressed up as batman trying to climb up a bridge handcuffing yourself to shit dressed up as

a wee bird but I think what ended up happening was I put out a thing on the other fucking cesspits and someone had come back to me that had dealt with somebody from Twitter and then they said

give this guy an email and see if he can help you out so I did and then he got back to me and said I know somebody in that kind of department and it was it was it was sorted within seconds yeah amazing uh because uh you know when i had a i had a bunch of shit going on with sophology a while back like fucking i've put them through it enough right they can kind of they can get back into the archives to find that fucking rant. But I got out of it because Roscoe McClellan saw us ranting about it on Twitch. And he slid into me DMs and went,

I've got the CEO's email address for Sophology. Do you want it? Oh, my. And I emailed the CEO. Oh, yes. And I instantly, she didn't reply. But somebody else replied going, I'm sorry you felt the need to go to the CEO about this.

Fucking hell. God. That's immense. If anybody needs the email address from the CEO of Sophology, be in touch, because unless they've changed it because it's getting out, I've still got it. Have you talked in the podcast

about that thing Roscoe did at the Fringe yeah we did we did aye but there might not be there might not be closure on it

did he get did he get it right up in the sun because I know the sun the sun got in touch with him last time we spoke about it yeah the sun

just to brief everybody who's catching up Roscoe just baited the journalists by pretending on social media that somebody was wanking off in his crowd during the live show. We were just making out that it was you the whole time. If anybody that was at the live show thinks you had a wank in Roscoe's head

gig. But no, because the way he did it was beautiful because he left it he left it ambiguous enough it was believable he was getting welfare checks about it are you alright mate? yeah yeah yeah but I the son I spoke to him

so the son had contacted him and he just completely ignored it but then they'd just gone ahead and written one of the sidebar articles about it anyway oh fucking hell so you actually did get some press coverage but like yeah yeah it didn't it didn't like pop or anything it wasn't i mean you must like see if you've see if you've had dreams of being a journalist all your life it's that kind of day where you're writing up that that might not even be true going what the the fuck is this career? Genuinely.

That's, that's yeah, getting off the train at Carlisle moment, isn't it? You're like, why the fuck am I doing this? This wasn't the dream. Oh,

let's, let's wrap this up now then and fucking, we'll, we'll call it, but plug anything you've got to plug and this is going out public as well

I've got so my podcast I'm going to start doing it again and I'll plug it every single time on here I don't think I've released an episode since the last time

I did it but I've got shit ones I've got shit ones in the bank I've got a load of pish in the bank that I'm going to fucking slurry out

at three in the morning subscribe to that please the hard sell from Mark Nelson wait till you see Gareth Waugh's episode the right piece of shit but no Fucking slurry out at three in the morning. Subscribe to that, please. The hard sell for Mark Nelson. Wait till you see Gareth Waugh's episode. The right piece of shit. Yeah, you do a perfect playlist. You build a playlist for the comedian. But I've also, I was also supposed to,

I was going to release my, because I got the very last night of The Fringe filmed. And I was supposed to be releasing that this week but I might give it another couple of weeks because there's quite a lot of stuff about the Queen in it Is that? Oh yeah like it was before Is that dated terribly?

Yeah It's dated terribly in fact, well I mean it doesn't paint me in a good light And the tense of it's going to be all wrong. It is, aye. Which is, I guess, the risk you run when you make jokes about 96-year-old women. You knew what you were signing up for, didn't you?

It's like my Twin Towers routine I used to do in September 21. This gold will run for years. So keep an eye out for Mark's new special, but you can actually still watch it. You've got one on YouTube that's just available for free. Yeah, that's not dated at all. If you haven't watched that already, absolutely class. You've got some catching up to do on his podcast.

It's called Perfect Playlist. And I'm going to be joining Daniel on tour. So whatever his tour schedule is, that's mine. Also, I'm going to do a solo show in Aberdeen in October. So I check that out.

I'll be adding some other solo shows here and there, but that's the first one I've plugged in is Aberdeen. Okay, see you all next week.