Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Magnum Opus

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

The Muggins and Cream reunion episode, with so much to catch up on they barely touch any of it and just be silly boys for an hour

Hello listeners, welcome to another episode of Slots and Humphreys on the Road. But back to the good old days where we're actually in a room together doing a podcast together because after a month of fatherhood. That's it, ready, back to normal. Let's keep it going. You'll notice at the start of the podcast I try to do a joke that just doesn't work because it's based on the idea that it's me doing another just me stoned in a room episode um and that would joke would only work if this intro didn't take place so by the existence

of this intro it's ruined that joke which was already shite so just do stick around beyond the first two minutes because it gets way funnier after that and And even though we've got so much to talk about, we do spend at least 20 minutes of it talking about football. So enjoy! Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles.

Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Welcome to another episode of me being stoned alone in my man cave. Oh no, there you are. I just want to see.

I wonder if we can get the numbers for how many people turned off there. I would love to just see the little graph of people being like, oh, it's there. Oh, never mind. Fuck it, I'm gone. I was a little bit sad that we didn't get a chance to just run that through. I was going to just stay as quiet as possible.

Just see how long it took for my train of thought to run out. And then you would have jumped in and been like, here's what my train of thought to run out and then you would have jumped in being like here's what your train of thought was and then you would have lost yours and then well we would have just been back in the fucking swing of things. And then people watching the YouTube version would be like what the fuck is happening? Can anybody else see Kai? Yeah this joke does not work in a visual medium. That's funny. Cullen was around me yesterday, and I was running the narrative that Peggy was looking at me and Natalie wondering if we could also see Cullen.

Because she looked so confused by his presence. And she kept looking at us and looking at Cullen, and it was like, she doesn't think we can see you. Cullen has very much the same reaction to him He does like his accent I think it's because everyone else sounds normal Everyone else that he's hired sounds normal And then there's just a random Irish accent

And he'll always go Hold on Who chose that option? That's subnormal Aye When you're selecting a character Who picks the default voice 57 Yeah And you've listened to all

them. You went through the other 56 and you went oh this one's the fucking best one is it? Not for me. Definitely press randomise Cullen didn't he? Well speaking of Cullen, thank you to everyone who heckled him with Baldi all weekend Oh we need to get that, I haven't got the right thing on

Oh they're doing it at home The fact that it's already in people's heads Ba-ba-ba-baldy God, I've had to go to him so many times in Dublin So many times He got hashtagged Great He's not even bald

It's the best bit Oh, it's so good See, that's what some people just don't understand About insults and bullying You go, sometimes it's funnier when it's not true. I mean, he is. He's the baldest out of all of us. And that's the rule, right?

You don't have to be fat to get the fat jokes. You just have to be the fattest of the friends to get the fat jokes, right? You're just going to, look, part of life, whether we like it or not, is bullying your friends. Because you're not allowed to beat people up. We don't want to beat people up. And we don't want to actually bully people in real life.

It's a safe violation. It's a rat experiment. You've got those arges. Look, we all... Look, it's ingrained into us. It'd be class to fucking pin people down and go, you fucking suck. But you can't do that,

because it's happened to us. We understand we've got empathy, and it affects people growing up. But what if you could do that with a condom on? What if you could do bullying with a condom on what if you could do bullying with a condom on bully your friends bully your friends just like right up to the edge yeah like no know where the edge is and you know what maybe from time to time you go you cross the line yeah yeah like you're but you have to find out where the line is but you like batman them over the edge you like the

ledge is there and you're holding them over a being like, I won't fucking drop you. You can say whatever you like to your friends, and if they can't handle it, guess what? Not your friends. I went over the line with a friend the other day

and he DM'd us to stop. And then I was like, that Spock meme from The Simpsons, where he's like, my work here is done, but you didn't do anything, didn't I?

And then just disappeared. That's got to... Look, it's not very... and so I was like my work here is done but you didn't do anything didn't I? And then just disappeared. Aye. That's got to look look it's not very not to be toxic here he said before

he was about to get toxic it's not particularly masculine behaviour is it? Excuse me mate could you stop bullying me any other? It's just I'm like

I'm sorry mate I swing all the time I don't mean for any of them to land. Oh because I But It's good to know I've still got it. I'm like I'm sorry mate I swing all the time I don't mean for any of them to land Aye Oh because I But But oh It's good to know

I've still got it Just grabbing your knuckles Like I thought it was sparring Yeah because look On the other side of things There's sometimes When you think

That you're very Or you are quite sensitive About something Whether it's been a recent thing Whether it's been an ongoing thing or something that everyone else has known, but you've only worked out, but one of your sort of insecurities

or something embarrassing that you've done in the past has come to light and it's in your head. It just takes you back to a bad moment in your life. Aye. Sometimes you think to yourself, oh God, like, oh, you know, I hate that so much. And it takes somebody else to like pull out of you, to point and laugh at it.

And then at first you're like, fuck you. And it takes them going, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not laughing at you and that thing. You and me are laughing at that thing you did. I'm trying to help you through this. Yeah. By trivialising it, minimalising it. And we're separating it away from you.

You can't laugh at it because you think it's part of who you are and that's why when everyone else is laughing at it, you feel attacked because you associate it with yourself too much. So what I'm trying to do here is bring you over this side of the fucking wall. Look, now we can both point and laugh at it. Look at that.

Yeah, you did it. You're an idiot, but look at that fucking thing. You're going back over the wall and living in that existence, by the way. I'm staying over here and laughing. Aye, so just come over here and laugh at that. Laugh at that fucking thing you did. That bullying with a condom on,

we were just talking before about how good South Park is, how it's still fucking going, but how abhorrent Cartman is. Just the most unforgivable character. There's no kindness to him, there's no fucking empathy to him. The genius of the character is just what a... It's the worst part of you, but, like, turned into a person.

Yes, aye. And, look, we've all got the possibility, and we all have been Cartman at some points in our life, but the point is Cartman is Cartman 100% of the time. We're laughing at him because it's the side of you that you'd absolutely repress because you know it's abhorrent. But to see it out there played to its fucking extremes with the reaction

because everyone else in the show knows how abhorrent Cartman is it's not as if he's he definitely gets away with it but oh god that episode of him it's the nagger episode I think it's an apology to Jesse Jackson is the name of it but the

B plotline of it is just him being very very insensitive towards a little person Jesse Jackson is the name of it. But the B plotline of it is just him being very, very... Uncensored towards a little person. And, oh, it tickled me from the inside out. Because it's so bad. It's just the worst. It's just the worst. Childish fucking behaviour.

Well, I'm thinking on as well. I appreciate that you called your child a mix between mine and Colin's name. Oh, well... Caelan it was like you didn't know how to call him Kai or Colin

and you're like well man there is an Instagram post where I like last year when I said I had to name my first born Kai

because Kai Havert scored in the Champions League final can we not talk about that man look hey hey look

some football decisions are very interesting and go towards people who've been corrupt as a club for much longer. You're just new. Look, Newcastle, you're recently bought out by morally bereft bastards and you're now an evil club, but you're just not used to it yet. You've not managed to pay off the refs yet.

I haven't paid off the refs yet. No, you're new to corruption. You're new to it. You're new to it. Whereas Chelsea, they fucking schooled you in corruption yesterday fucking coming home

to roost on it aye well well look aye look for the time being I'm a Chelsea fan I was a Chelsea fan when the money came in

the second it leaves I'm off as well yeah I didn't deny being a glory seeker yeah I'm sorry you know I find it very interesting that I came

the second Mourinho was signed the fan of Bravovich came in it very interesting that I came the second Mourinho was signed, the Ferdinand Abramovich came in, and now I'll absolutely leave the second the glory years are over. I wasn't born there. Boring. No, I'll go where the evil money is. I like football, okay?

I like football. I'm going to watch. I'm only not ripping you to shreds on this, right? I can see you're joking about it, but it's actually happening. As a Newcastle fan who's been through thick and thin watched them in the championship

paid £5 a month to the website so I could watch the games because they're not on match of the day anymore right

I feel like there's a certain honour in it but also I get to get out of the match will you because that's where your next

club's going to be the thing is I think changing your football team, it's not even a sin because it's such a no-no. Like, it's one of the most looked down... You know how both the left and the right hate paedophiles, right? It's the only thing we have in common, right? It's that we've both accused each other of being fucking paediles right the footballing equivalent of that is one liverpool and two is it's nobody changes their fucking club you do not noncery no it's not the shithousery

which is which is which if you're doing the shithousery it's fine if someone else is doing the shithousery it's shite but whether you're doing the noncery or someone else is doing the shithousery, it's fine. If someone else is doing the shithousery, it's shite. But whether you're doing the noncery or someone else is doing the noncery, it's wrong. Bad, bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. You're doing football noncery. Absolutely. And look.

And the worst thing is, they've set your stall out now, right? So it's so early days. Chelsea might end up being taken over by somebody who stabilises the ship, builds them back up. Which I think is the case. Which I think will be the case. Right? I think it'll

be the case. You've actually like, you've already said the words the fucking horse is bolted through the box. Just hey look at the moment, for the time being I'm playing a character. For the time being I'm going look hey hey look here's the worst person to be in this situation, here's objectively the worst person to be and I'm just pretending to be this person. I'm just pretending. But circumstances might change to the point where maybe I want this mask to be a permanent facelift. I like the mask.

Yeah, I like the mask a lot. It's better than my actual face. Maybe I'll just keep this mask on. Toon Toon Blackaway Army. So, I love my wife more than Newcastle. My wife means more to me than Newcastle. But there is more chance

of me leaving my wife than there is of me leaving Newcastle. Yeah, aye. Aye. But look, you were, you know, you and Newcastle were childhood sweethearts. You know, you grew up together. She never forgives us for that time I flirted with Man United.

But I wanted to know any better. You were young. I was just a kid. You were just a kid, man. And also everyone... Eric can't know. It's just there's something about him. Everyone was flirting with Man United back then.

It's Man United's fault, actually. She was a cocktease. Aye, she was. Aye. Everyone was flirting with Man United back then It's Man United's fault actually She was a cocktease Aye she was Aye Look I met Chelsea When she really came into her own She was 21

Right She blossomed She blossomed You never even looked at Chelsea in high school No I didn't I showed it to every school mate Aye I went to school in Scotland

I wasn't paying attention He looked at me like Why the fuck's he with Newcastle He knew you're trying to angle for a threesome I just well once she got

some money in it I feel like she started dressing herself properly taking care of myself aye I'm like okay

aye aye she's got enough money in the world for both of us you're a fucking gold digger you're an absolutely gold

I was in the first place to play with Chelsea I've never claimed you went from being a gold digger to a gold digging whore

look I'll have a it's always been part of the reason I started Chelsea was I wanted an English team to support it was in 2006

I googled when I was born and the choices were Fulham or Chelsea right and the proper mention Fulham or Chelsea right and the proper mention just got it Chelsea

you're not a martyr I'm like that one Chelsea I'll go Chelsea and so yeah objectively I'm a glory hunter I don't like the fact

that I'm a glory hunter I was 15 and it's a label I have to live with for the rest of my life but now that I'm living with it for the rest of my life anyway

might as well fucking lean into it I know it was Scotland aye oh yeah Dan well yeah my argument was always the rest of my life but now that I'm living with it for the rest of my life anyway might as well fucking lean into it you're allowed to use Scotland aye that's what you're doing well yeah my

argument was always I support Scotland and I support East Fife right so I should be allowed to support a team that wins stuff otherwise I'd just

not enjoy football if you go your entire life just watching Scotland you don't like football there's more to it than that I feel

but we'll not get into that I'll tell you one thing I was with Cullen's brother in Dublin and I don't know how I feel about

this Cullen's brother supports Real Madrid you don't get to do that you don't even get to do that on

FIFA you know when you're playing FIFA and someone picks Real Madrid and you go no nonsense what are you talking about you're not doing that You don't even get to do that on FIFA You know when you play on FIFA And someone picks Real Madrid And you go No Nonsense

What are you talking about You're not doing that That's like going I support 90s Brazil You're like what Brazil 90s Brazil Yeah just them You're only allowed to

Yeah You're only allowed to support Real Madrid If you're from Oh no The rest of Europe you can I just don't know. Like, I just don't, like... Because I'm still coming to terms with that.

You guys pick a team in a different country and watch a different league. You just have to do that. You just have to. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can watch SPL, but I've tried watching... But it's my best...

I've moved up here and I've tried watching SPL. You may as well... It's better live. If you can't watch SPL... You've got to do it live. Go and do it at the fucking park and just watch

a Sunday league team no hey hey hey the SPL and it's lower fucking divisions it's really good when you're fucking there in the stadium

itself I've been at the lower league games I've been all the way down to fucking watch Alouette versus Breakin right

it's fucking great lower league football is good because it's just how shite it is right and the SPL it's good for the atmosphere in the fucking stadium Scotland fans are fucking you know good Because of just how shite it is Right And the SBL It's good for the atmosphere In the fucking stadium

Scotland fans are fucking You know Good most of the time It's a family sort of Thing But You know People

All over the world Support the NFL It's about the event Not the game Aye They watch the NFL You get somebody in India Who supports the fucking

Whatever The Seattle Seahawks They support them Right And it's because the NFL is the only NFL league

in the world where they can watch American football they're not going to watch the fucking Indian football league are they? No it's the same

thing with us. I could watch the SBL. I'm going to watch the Premier League because it's the Premier League. It's the Premier

League. I still can't get my head around when people get right into an American team like an NFL team but then get into the rivalries too in the derby in the nature of the der like an NFL team, but then get into the rivalries too,

in the derby, in the nature of the derby, because to me, for that, to be into the derby, you have to, you have to like, understand the culture of the area. Like, to know what it is for like, people of Sunderland coming into Newcastle and being in your pubs and going to the thing and the like, kind of hostility in the city

and the rivalry between the two cities. That's not something that you can know about from over the Atlantic. No, definitely not. But, but, that's an interesting point. But the way I see it is, man, you could right now point at a random person in the street and go, hate them, and I'd go, all right.

And it'd be that fucking easy for me. It'd be that fucking easy for me. I'd ask later on, I'd be like, you know, after I'd said something to him, I'd go, why did we just yell at that guy? But I would trust you that we fucking... So if I told you to hear a fucking American football team, like the Nickelodeon Red Sox or whatever, right?

Aye, aye. I hate them. I hate them. You could actually, like, despise them to that call. Oh, within 30, less than 30 seconds. Less than a fucking meditation. And it would be real and genuine. It would be... And then you could support them as soon as they come in to money. Yeah, yeah.

On a dime. No, man, remember, there's just a fucking dam holding up a well of hate. And you can point it anywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I like that. Sorry, this stemmed from as you congratulate me on calling my son both you and Cullen's name. C-A-L-L-E-N. Which you stole from a podcast listener.

There's no way anyone will ever believe that Nah I mean you signed his book In Portland Did I? Did I his name? Did I sign it? You spelled his name wrong

I don't know if there's two Kalins right But one of them got in touch Saying this is up in my And it was the dad poster So it wasn't up in my, and it was the dad poster. So it wasn't the book that you signed, it was the dad poster. And you'd spelt it like E-N. I don't think,

oh, I don't know. It was definitely the guy, wherever we were, he came in and I was like, I was signing the book and I went, what's your name? And he went, Kalin. I went, oh my God,

that's a really beautiful name. And it's also like a really Scottish sounding name. And he was like, yeah, it's Scottish. My ancestors are Scottish. And I'm like, you're white and American. I know. Like I've just, you don't Scottish And I'm like You're white and American I know Like I've just You don't ever have to

If you're a white American You never have to Explain your heritage to me I get it My ancestors built the boats No We have you We have you farewell

We docked them And let them pass through Aye So And then we went back and i told caribou and she was like that's a really beautiful name and our plan was to for ages to just well i mean it's over now did i ruin the plan i you were just gonna like stale it out like you weren't well there's there's this urban myth that goes around that and it's always about bill murray right that some guy was eating dinner outside of a restaurant next to Chip no one will believe you yeah

Bill Murray comes up next to Chip eats him no one will ever believe you and that's a very funny story because it's just about well you know he tells that story

nobody believes him I wanted to do the Z-list celebrity version of that which was I just wanted there to be some random cunt running around Portland

being like Daniel Sloss named his kid after me and all of his friends would be like okay yeah I bet they did

what a fucking psycho what a fucking weirdo invented the name caitlin did you which is actually a name i'd never heard before until that moment no no well because i well i mean we can't take it back now but like i think i think i think in america because like everyone in the uk is like oh it's a really nice name and then when any American's been like ah that's a girl's name and I'm like is it?

and it's because over there you get like K-A-E-Y-L-I-N because every single American can't fucking spell for shit because they just took carte blanche

with the alphabet and went yeah we'll make it up we'll take U's from here and spaff over there the spelling text speak aye oh god just

M8 aye Cara's been Spaff over there The spelling text speak Aye Oh god just M8 Aye Cara's been spilling some She's been doing a good PR campaign for your boy She's Lovely laddie Lovely natured kid Aye

He doesn't fuss on He's just there Just chilling Looking at you Sucking his dummy Mining his beers And er You know

Little baby Lovely lad Aye Nice natured Sweet healthy And all that right But erm his dummy mining his beers and you know little baby lovely lad nice natured sweet healthy and all that right but Cara's got him doing fucking

goodwill hunting equations on the whiteboard she's got him doing this like a fucking abject genius and I didn't want to take it away from her

so I tried not to patronise her I was like ah aye she's the change and I didn't want to take it away from her so I tried not to patronise her I was like aye she's the change in her it's been

it's been the most fulfilling bit for me to watch because I've said this before and I'll say it again for the rest of my life I knew Cara

was going to be a good mum I knew she was of course I fucking did right but but going to be a good mum. I knew she was, of course I fucking did, right? But, but... Everyone knew I was going to be a fucking class dad, right? I've loved kids for a very long time, I'm good with kids, if you've seen me with kids you know I'm good. Everyone, the number one thing...

They give you energy. You can be a little bit of a fucking teenager, lounge and run, but if kids come involved you find your energy. Yeah, and everyone would say they're gonna be like you're gonna be such a good dad you're gonna be such a good dad right nobody would say to cara you're gonna be such a good mom then maybe they knew it maybe they didn't feel it needed to be said out loud they were saying you're gonna be a mom yeah you're going to be a mom and then like raising their eyebrows being like are you gonna prepare for this and becauseara hated every second of pregnancy right and just being there like poking her belly

being like I'm not a mum I'm just a host this is some fucking I want a shot of tequila there's this

leech inside of me that I've never fucking met that's ruining my life and even in those moments I knew she was going to be a good mum

but I was there looking at my watch going fucking those instincts better kick in real soon we're getting close to the like I've my watch going, fucking those instincts better click in real soon. We're getting close to the one. Like I've heard about these instincts.

I've heard they click in, but... Aye. So, as a dad, right, you kind of have to learn everything, right? Now, thankfully, I'd learned a whole bunch of fatherhood just beforehand with being around kids all the time, my friends having kids, my brothers being way younger than me. So even now with kayla and i learn little things about but you're doing theory you can't learn how to drive with a book yes you learn through doing

you learn through doing you learn through doing where it is women right there's a satellite somewhere up there right which just has all of the information on it and the second they give birth it just goes and it's an upgrade and they go to two point and it's the same person. So they download a patch and you have to learn how to write the code. Aha, aha, yeah, yeah. It's directly installed into

their thing or you've got to type it up your fucking cell and it's fine, that's fair, I get it. And you can't even copy her work because she doesn't know how she knows this. She's like Simon Phoenix waking up in Demolition Man. She's just holding a crying baby. And I go, look, my process of elimination, right, when Caelan's crying is, one, change him, right?

Check his nappy. Is he pissed or shot himself? Right? Because he hates that. Clean him. Is he still crying after that? Right, let's give him a burp. It's probably fucking gas.

Massage his legs. Make him ride his teeny, tiny, beefy clatter to school. of burps, probably fucking gas, massage his legs make him ride his teeny tiny beefy clatter to school you've got to cycle their legs if we just do the Cartman point I ride my teeny tiny beefy clatter

but in German I'm being murdered right, if he's still crying after about 5-10 minutes of that, right, you pick him up move him around and at that point he might need, oh, fuck, what was the other one? Oh, yeah, just try and sugar him to sleep, see if there's any sort of, you know, dozing off,

and then eventually just go, right, it's the tits, he wants some fucking milk. Whereas he'll go, ah, and Carol will go, poo, seven on the Richter scale, no pee. And you're like, ah, what, eh? How the fuck did that? how do you speak that language how do you know that or I'm about to go

change his fucking nappy she's like he's hungry you're like did he fucking text you have you still got the umbilical cord attached to your wifi now

what's fucking going on there bitch she's man she's and she'll be the first to fucking admit it but

man I love that kid and she'll be the first to fucking admit it, but, man, I love that kid, but she loves that kid. And she's like, I don't feel like a mum yet. And I'm like, oh, don't you? Because you're certainly fucking acting like a psycho. Oh, I've seen this before. I have seen this before when Natalie takes MDMA. And she's got these big, bright, bright slow Laura's eyes beaming can it stop talking

and then she'll just go I'm not feeling anything it's exactly that Cara's got about a higher doses like an inbuilt version of MDM in her head and she's like

I don't feel like the other day she was going I'm like do you feel like a parent she was like I'm not sure do you feel like a dad I'm like I definitely feel like a parent like I was, I'm not sure. Do you feel like a dad? I'm like, I definitely feel like a parent.

Like, I've got a baby. He's mine. I've got feeling towards him. He knows who I am. We do things together. I feel like a parent. I don't feel like a dad yet. I don't feel like,

like I love him, but I'm not getting much of it back yet. So it's not like that relationship there. She's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel, I feel very, very, very similar. And like that relationship there she's like oh yeah yeah i feel i feel very very very similar and within 30 seconds she was like i can't remember we got into the topic of bullies she was like if i ever found out that caitlin was getting bullied i would have no problem just killing that child dead on the spot i'm like okay okay real friend instincts kicking in. Yeah. Real acquaintance instincts, that.

Yeah, yeah, okay. You keep... Yep, yep, a colleague. She's... She's a changed woman. But it's also, the thing we keep saying is, like, I don't feel any different. Like, I don't feel any different in the sense that, man, I'm the exact same person I was a month ago.

It's not changed my opinions not it's not changed my opinions it's not to change my approach to life it's not your hobbies you're not like i feel i feel and it's quite jarring for like because we keep going we're waiting for the other boot to drop because everyone talks about how it's this massive change in your life and we're like oh god we're both fucking the same person but it's not it's not changed who we are but it's but at the same time it's changed everything about it's changed your priorities yeah and and that's the big difference is just the number one priority in your life for the first time ever in your life isn't you and that's what

everything else is the same right and you're going to be the exact same person but your first thought of the fucking day in the last one before you go to bed is this little cunt. Yeah. That's the difference. Aye. Unless, unless other people out there who are new parents can tell me that you really, really love your child and we've missed the mark.

Which I'd be fucking terrified about. Maybe it's a fulfilment thing. Maybe you already had fulfilment. Aye. Maybe it's like if a baby's born and like somebody that's just directionless and rudderless And then has a baby And that direction's focused by that

It might just be the It might be that change Well good, good, because for anyone that does feel the instant love Fucking class, congratulations But I'm just out here for anyone that's new parent Man, I'm telling you straight up If you don't love that kid for the first month Do not worry about it

Like don't Don't kid for the first month, do not worry about it. Like, don't post about it, right? Don't, you know, don't brag about it. Oh, do you think maybe some of these Facebook posts are like an overcompensating for the insecurity of not feeling the thing? A hundred percent. Because, because... My world and all that.

And you're just like, you're just trying to like force the narrative. Man, we've spoken about it so many times before because it's the truth of the entire world which is you should never compare yourself to other people whether that be in your friends group especially in your career you should never compare your career to other people's careers you should never compare your personal life because it's just a way to flog yourself with other people's achievements it's actually it's really an attractive trait as well when you get

because it comes across as bitterness doesn't it when you start like all right and it's just it's another way for you to just punish yourself, but not even for your shortcomings, but for somebody else's successes. That is particularly fucking impossible or hard to do in parenthood because it's not like your job where you're like, oh, I want to be the fucking best at this because I'd like a fucking raise.

It's like, I have to be good at this because I love this thing so much. And also, if I don't do a good job of this at all all of society is going to fucking judge me like all of it so i imagine that i've got i've got a lot of more sympathy than i expected to have for any of these parents that proudly boast about what good parents there are i'm like i get it yeah if you're insecure and you need to shout about how good a job you're doing, shout away. If that helps you be motivated, it helps you drive. If telling people how much you love your kid makes you love your kid more.

Fake it till you make it, baby. Go fucking right on, brother. I'll join in the line. I love your kid too. He's class. What an un-ugly little cunt. Yo, I was chatting to Gav on the way here. Because he's like again trying to

find it hard not to compare it to other kids to find out where your kids are in the state of development but he's

finding it hard because his nine month kid is walking around now and popped a squat jump where she just

from squatting jumped up and landed it it's his nine months and he's going it looks like CGI and I've seen

videos of that and it's like the dancing baby and he's just like it's hard for us not to get into of that and it's like the dancing baby and he's just like it's hard for us not to get into that kid and he's having to really sell in

he's having to really sell in but he's like am I really thinking about getting her on the climbing wall and she's not even a year old well if you want to

if you want to calm him down if you want I can get Cara to phone him and tell him that Caelan nearly rolled over two days ago and he laughed yeah

oh fucking this bitch right so me and Cara have this ongoing joke throughout our entire And he laughed? Yeah. Oh, fucking this bitch. Right? So me and Kara have this ongoing joke throughout our entire fucking relationship that whenever I turn my back, apparently magical stuff happens, right? First time me and Kara, when we were in New York together,

when we fell in love, it was the first time we ever were like, okay, let's give this a go. I took her to Central Park just to get her some fresh air because otherwise she doesn't fucking sleep. And she loves all animals. You talk about her like she's a baby.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, I used to. And she was, I can't remember what she was trying to... She took her first stroll in the park. Aye. Just took her, put her in the back of the car,

just had to tie her out, drove around at night time under loads of streetlights. Put baby shark on. She does love that song. I turned my back or I was walking ahead of her. I didn't turn my back at her.

I was walking and she got distracted by animals and she was trying to feed some birds and apparently a bird landed on her finger and ate out of her hand. And I'm like, of course it did, Cara.

It's no way. Aye, aye, aye. When nobody else was fucking paying attention no no to be fair this probably did happen they're central part birds they're very used to human beings it's very likely to take that but it's very the game is these things do happen and the worst thing in that moment is not is to not be believed when something magical happens so that's the bet. That's the whole fucking bet.

She did it the other day with him rolling over. She does it, like he does smile for her all the time. The other day I come, I'm like, he's asleep. I'm like,

do you mind if I just go out and play on my computer for an hour? The second he's awake and the second he's changed to drop me a text, but I just want to go play a game. She's like, all right,

go ahead. I'm out here, 15 minutes later, I look down at my phone and she's like, he just laughed and I'm like, this bitch.

My guy, he's not even five weeks old. They don't, they don't laugh at this stage. Right. But the thing is, she goes, I'm like,

was it like laughing at one of them? What joke did you tell him? Right. What was the bit you were doing? She was like, no, no, it's just as he was falling asleep.

He just did like an evil little Chucky laugh. And I'm like, why would that be the lie you came up with? I'm like, why are you, why are you telling people this fucking story just like a cunning little plan come up with a new way to shit himself. Aye. But he's, look, he's still, he's almost, he's so close to being rewarded. It's like, I love him,

I think, but I always, you know. But at the minute he's a Tamagotchi. Yeah, aye. At the minute you've just got to keep these bars full. Yeah,

and man, I could look at that cunt for hours. And I do, I'll look at him for ages. But I'm not, I'm going, this'll be way funner when I'm getting re-acted. But I'm not, I'm going, this will be way funner when I'm getting react.

Because the point is, I'm just making faces at him and he's just staring at me and I'm like, right, cool. I can happily stare at you too, man. Like, we can just stare at each other

and we'll be getting different things from it. But it would be nice for him to... He looks deep into your soul as well. I've seen him on. Yeah. Because I was holding him before.

But wildly unimpressed I mean it looks like he's digging it out it looks like he's fucking he's like he's looking at you like I'm on to you

like I was like relayed back to his kill and what are you saying what are you saying looking at your insecurities and fears aye

I haven't We were Me and Cara Were talking about this The other day Have not One of the big Surprises for me

And big surprises For her with me Was if we were At ass beforehand What did we think The biggest problem Was going to be During it

Was it was going to be My sleeping Like you've Toured with me You know what I'm Fucking like When I've not slept I'm a i'm a

i'm a miserable cunt when i've had eight hours i'll just attack you i i wouldn't i wouldn't like to collab with you on raising a baby i don't even like having basic small talk with you when you're like that i right so i mean one of my big fucking fears of it as well is like how am i gonna fucking deal with you know uh the lack of sleep man turns out dead fine because you get it eventually you can get eight hours just over the course of yeah 10 to 11 hours like you're just trying to grab sleep when you can no no no no like fucking if there's anything click the v8 hours what no but it's just people always go you know you've got to sleep when they

sleep you're like oh yeah I'll go for I'll go for a one o'clock nap will I after the fucking coffee I had to wake myself up a couple of hours to go to keep up so you get 60 now asleep what are you complaining about like if you're a parent and you're able to sleep when your kid's sleeping fucking you're

you're more tired than I am and fucking props to you for doing it well done but me and Carol look at each other if he's having a five hour nap during the day we're like class five hours without him i'm gonna go play my book i read my book gonna go fucking uh play xbox do whatever no during the night it's i've said to cara i'm like look i'll do i'll do all nappies that's the bare minimum I can fucking do right that's what if you want to do them great

if you want to take one off my hands grand but at any point you slap me nappy jobs me I'll step up you've got Aldi the bins yeah

it's so bad you're like this is one of my jobs I'll add it to my job it's one of my jobs you're fucking breastfeeding the cunt all day long and when you're not breastfeeding them you're milking yourself

like some sort of capitalist cow like literally there's points where the woman i love more than anyone on this planet she'll be sitting there guys she'll be having he's asleep right she's finally got him off she's managed to put him down gently without waking him up she's tucked him in she always makes sure she's tucked in she's finally got a moment with her cat where she's alone with her cat she's there just stroking and I'll just go over and go hey hey hey fucking milk yourself

right now how fuck milk yourself right this instant yeah just because he's asleep doesn't mean he clock off

I fucking get like hey hey hey over the fucking over the trough wet wet wet dairy gulag aye so she's she's she's she's got to be on the ball all the fucking time i'm like nappies is that piece of me so during the night he obviously i've said i'll do

nappies i'll do the fucking burping as well the one thing the one thing i'll not do i'm not having a conversation with you at one in the morning three in the morning five in the morning seven in the morning i'm not doing it i don't care how your night's going if he's awake and he's screaming we'll do it together but if he's breastfeeding and you're bored get a book don't bring me in phone someone in australia right get the time difference right because man i can now I can I can change a nappy on 15% consciousness and I can do it

in under a minute it's man it's one of the you can't hear gossip no I'm not I'm not man

if I concentrate I can convince myself it's a shit dream she just hits me I get up I do it fucking blind da da da da da, da. Put it on.

Hand him back. Go back to sleep. So you have to have a meeting. Go ahead. You're kind of tired of us at that time. No, no, no. Cara knows me better than I know myself. She's not tried anything.

And also, I mean, she, you know, falls asleep. I think the only time it happened was because she didn't want to fall asleep with him on her. Because that's when you hear all the fucking horror stories. Like, you're breastfeeding, you fall asleep, baby falls asleep, and then you flipped yourself over during the night and then sat in his face and it's dead. Like, that's the, you know. So she was like, can you just stay awake with me to keep me awake? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, or, or, or, sit up straighter.

How about, or you sit up straighter instead of that. Oh can you just put these matchsticks in your eyes? How about that? Compromise. Why don't you play some really loud music through these noise cancelling headphones? No at the start of our relationship My I mean you'll remember this Cara only slept Five hours a night And it was

And I thought it was Going to be the thing That broke our relationship Because sleep's so important to me And it's so unimportant to her I was like There's no way We were to get through this

Turns out that's her Fucking superpower man Aye Aye And and I need eight hours Yeah Just

Accumulatively Though I am fucking waiting for Whenever the Whenever our first fucking gig back is My first night being away I wonder what it would be like To actually have a Are you looking forward to your first hotel room?

Not at the moment no Like genuinely This has been great It's been really really nice to be home. Be honest, are you looking forward to your first hotel room? I don't know. Be real. Well, good.

Like take the selfish, like just, you're getting up, you're waking up at intervals, right? You know, you're going to feel guilty because Cara still has to do that when you're away. But you'd have to just be able to lie down in that bed and wake up when you wake up with natural causes. Look, I'm looking forward to passing out in a hotel room. I'm looking forward to, like, you know, the gigs.

I think it's, I'm doing Paris, and I think my first big one is, well, no, doing Paris, and then me and G Are doing Scandinavian gigs Scandinavian ones And that's like a proper Yeah I think G's in Paris with you as well

Is he not? Yeah he is aye Yeah cool Because there's certain ones I couldn't do When they're rearranged So Aye But me and

The Paris one It was just me and Gareth Going to Paris Then back that night But the Scandinavian ones Is us there for like Four or five days and I keep saying to Cara

I'm like I'll miss you and she's like I don't buy a fucking you don't need a sugar coat you've got a golden ticket

in your diary yeah you can't be smug about it you can't dance out the house like slug sucker but you can't lie either she's like

she's like are you gonna go drink and I'm like of course Cara I'm gonna get I'm gonna get there's nothing why would I not she's like she's like are you gonna go drink and I'm like I've got I'm gonna get fucking I'm gonna get murdered

there's nothing why would I not what fucking solidarity are you talking about what a waste of money free time

I'm gonna be bloated like if she got the opportunity to do that you'd cry with happiness for her

aye well so she's got her first she's got a she's got a hen do this Saturday and then a Buddhist the week after fuck off Her first day, she's got a hen do this Saturday.

And then a bodice the week after. Oh, fuck off. Terrible. It took me a while there. I was like, eh? The hen do was so debauched that she became a hen do. There we go. She's got a hen do on Saturday.

So this week, she's got to just milk herself constantly, and then I've got a full night just me and him, and that's when I might start trying to turn him against her. Aye. I think. Yeah. If I can do it. How are you going to do it?

Subtly. I don't know. I think I'll take Bond in. I think she keeps interrupting us when we play computer games together, which is she'll be like, can you burp him? And I'm like, absolutely. And what I'll do is I'll put my son over my shoulder

and then walk through and play PlayStation. We'll put this back. And he burps and he falls asleep. And then we just sit there playing. She'll come through and she's like, that's probably not a comfortable sleep for him. And I'm like, he's a tiny ball of mush. Like, you can do whatever with them.

You can fold them. He'll let you nap if he's not comfortable. Aye. Aye. They've got real good inbuilt alarms for shit that they don't like. Aye, just screaming and stuff. So I think she's what she's... But it's different for her going out.

Like, for me going out, it's, oh, God, I'm going to be... Worst case scenario is i'm gonna be hung over while dealing with a baby she's got milk that he eats yeah uh and she and it's different like me being a milk from the shop just use well well no no i can't he watched it putting diesel in a barrel no because he's because he's because he's so smart, he watched Cowspiracy the other day. It's not about the milk, it's just the water usage. He just finds it, because he's so advanced for his age. I was watching Cowspiracy and he almost rolled over him.

Well, he was almost rolled over. All of Cara's stories about our son are Elliot's stories. I nearly got into a fight. I nearly pulled. When you just report back when you do something. But that way I'll never talk to you guys. So she has to milk herself And set up this baby For a life without her

Whereas you could just go Yeah and also when she gets If I get back from a night out and I'm drunk I can just go to sleep And then I'll wake up in the morning and be hungry She's got to feed him during this time At some points he just won't settle with me And that's because I don't smell like his mum And she's way so you're gonna start putting car's perfume on and all that and wearing

addresses yeah well i don't know i started small i started with her underwear just to just to see if he notices but no so far neither she actually but i quite like it i'm gonna live this way I'm going to live this way enough about my son how's your daughter my daughter your child you talking about my dog aye

Peggy's good man she's alright she's grown up she's become a woman aye she's on a period aye bleeds everywhere

little spots of blood licks it up so that's their version of a tampon it's just they just clean it does does she

does her attitude change, you know, how women get all this during it? Fucking, she's yapping on a bit, like. She's fucking barking on all the time. The changes I've noticed with her is she's, like, been a bit more vocal. And she's been fussy about her dinner. Oh?

She's not really eating her dinner. And, like, you fucking start feeding her and she'll sometimes go on and then have it. So how long does that period last? I don't know if the two things are connected. It's every six weeks, sorry, every six months for, like, seven to ten days. Okay. But it's not just it's not

changes with her it's changes with boy dogs around her just trying to fucking like aye the fucking whole neighbourhood's fucking

peering through the windows and that like fucking there's that one aye it's like she's going around in like a skimpy outfit and there's just a bunch

of cat callers everywhere aye but way worse like it's aye she's gone out with like she sprayed some sort of

aerosol version of Viagra essentially like it's just and she's fucking she's asking for it now like she's going around

the park she's fucking every two seconds just like a diabetic just fucking just pissing everywhere letting people know that she's good to go

you are fucking slating in the DMs of every fucking bloke in this place but does she know that know that she's good to go you are fucking slating in the DMs of every fucking bloke in this place but does she know that's what she's doing obviously not no

it's primal it's just like there's this primal instinct in her like when I had to because I talked about this remark

I had to stop a dog trying to shag her in the park and it made her so sad because she was just trying to play and it was like I don't think she understands what's happening.

There's certain things in her, like the impulsiveness, like the communication in the park with the pissing and stuff. And she was sniffing the other dogs as well when they're sniffing her. I don't know how dogs work, the sniff, the communicate with smells. You don't know how dogs work? It's two gophers in a suit. What? Just like like you know

the back of a horse is it fuck man so it's actually just like I was wondering when I saw us having a smoking break

I was like where's the rest of piggy that's mad so wait I thought I thought it was our mushrooms yeah yeah

no it's her her period so he's got a bloody nose Guy in the front Kicked by He's got a bust nose Aye So aye

And she's had her first haircut now Aye Aye We've got her a little trim She looks good Does she? Aye What do you do with the wool?

Do you donate it to like a dog? Well we were A young dog with dog cancer We were worrying that That's what they were up to aye we were worried that they were

running a racket genuinely do you want to hear about the racket I think they were running please by all fucking means

every time we see a dog with a haircut right the dog with a haircut looks like a dick right it's just been shaved bare

right in the owner's I'll just like can't believe they've done that to me dog right and we're like my dog looked classed with scraggy hair but it shaved bare in the owners I can't believe they've done that to me dog my dog looked class with scraggy hair but it was getting in the way

it's getting in Peggy's eyes and all that shit's clinging to it you need this fucking trim back but we're like what's in it for the groomer to take all the hair and I was like are they actually is the hair a commodity?

Is that something, like, a fucking... Well, they'll be able to, I imagine they would be able to do something with it, just in the sense that, like, when they slaughter cows for food, like, every part of that is used. That's why when you eat Haribo, you're like, hold on, how's their cow in this? And you go, oh, because the lining of the stomach was used for the gelatin used for this. They use every single fucking bit. Yes, and I was like, are they getting paid for the dogs first?

Is it a commodity that's getting used on, like, a fucking set costume, like, stuff for a TV show? Like, I'm being the biggest conspiracy theorist, but on purpose. And I'm like, is there a fucking racket? Why the fuck are all of these dogs getting scalped? Like, the groomer kind of just fancied it. And it's not good for business if you take them right back because you're not going to get them returned custom

for another six years if they come back at all. Six years is probably a long time, six months. I also think there's a different type of dog grooming in the UK just because we've got... Like, when you type of dog grooming in the uk just because we've got like when you think about dog grooming in america what you think about dog grooming in fucking la that's when it's like they get all the little fucking haircuts and that's you know you pay five six i think it's new enough here that it's it's it's not cosmetic it's more it's not they're like your dog needs a haircut because it can't fucking see right we're

not we're not designer haircuts we're not we didn't train it fucking dog trimming like we're not going to give it a mohawk we're not going to give it braids we're not going to get rid of this we're just getting rid of a problem for you yeah because i think i think what it might be as well is like if they get matted fur because peggy's first sentence gets matted but we're pretty good at keeping on top of that like cutting it out if it's matted or like keeping it brushed and shit we'll over pamper this dog we have to with Ray so like

only one time we've had to have a bit of her shaved just because we let it well we didn't let it get matted

it got matted and they just fucking shaved that off there but way down way down to the skin like it was like one of those

the razors they use for surgery like oh well let's get all the way through there so now they're about to fucking tattoo her. Aye.

Like they're going to get operated on. Aye. Oh, you're going to need to use the defib. Just shave a patch to put the defib on. So Natalie was like, I was going to Natalie, I was like, tell you what, if you want them to do a decent job,

ask for their hair back. I'm telling you, they're selling it. Just kind of, we want to keep the hair. Got to make a voodoo doll so we can train want to keep the hair going to make a voodoo doll so we can train

her better google what you could use dog hair for I imagine especially puppy fur markings for

animal porn aye um uh sponges for the poor uh huh uh huh

like just ones you know not for private healthcare but like NHS Mmhmm Tampons for the poor Tampons for the poor

Food for the poor Welcome to the Tory bar Of this podcast But Natalie was very specific She just went in And Jessica I just want That to look like

She looked like A couple of weeks back Just take it back a little bit You find out what They could do with dog hair. We're kind of getting down to a fucking YouTube rabbit hole about... Seven things you can do with your dog's fur instead of trashing it. I wonder how far you would go down a rabbit hole about dog fur

before it ended up being the Jews' fault. It's all the internet always texts it back to the Jewish community. You're going to like the first one. What? Knit clothes. Yarn. Just like you can spin and knit sheep's wool, you can do the same thing with dog fur.

But from mittens to a sweater, a piece of clothing knit from your dog's fur is a special moment. What fucking murderous website is this on? This sounds... What serial killer... American Kennel Club shame on you

it sounds morbid it's like have I seen that fucking viral thing can you fucking can you with a hundred percent fucking sincerity

you knitted my son a beautiful little zebra hat for when he was fucking born if you handed me that I put it on his head

and then came back a week later and be like, I forgot to tell you, that was all of Peggy's, that was all of Peggy's fart. And man, this podcast would be fucking over. I would never let you near my son again.

In this leather jacket, it's my wife's skin. Yeah, no, we got him neutered. So I got all this extra lip. Do you want to know where the wool was from? Mm-hmm. This would probably mean

more to your dad than it'll mean to you. But do you know Griff Rhys Jones from Smith and Jones, the sketch duet from the 90s? Mm-hmm.

It was from his alpacas. And it wasn't dyed. It was the natural colour of the alpacas. So it was Griff Rees-Jones' alpaca wool. There you go. There's your son's claim for fame. I'm his fucking claim for fame! The fuck are you talking about?

Fucking click for it. The fucking, you talking about. So, just, okay, class, go write yourself something interesting

about yourself. Caelan Sloss, any interesting facts about yourself? Ah, yeah. I had one when I was a kid that came from

another celebrity. That's so funny. There's no number two on this website Because I assume it was removed It was a list with one thing you can do Is tear it in a yarn It's genuinely a website that's got a list of one thing

No no it's got three there I just assumed two has been removed Because it was like make your own toilet paper And they were like please stop So they go from one to three Three is make felted crafts Felt is a traditional way So you can just make a mini version of your dog Please stop. So they go from one to three? Yeah. Three is make felted crafts. Felt is a traditional way of... So you can just make a mini version of your dog.

Protect your garden. Dogs love to chase animals out of the yard and the smell of their fur may help deter pests as well. Stuff burlap... What? Stuff burlap bags or pantyhose with your dog's fur. Pantyhose? And tie them around the yard.

Who wrote this? This is a fucking, someone with a fetish? Man, we need to, this website is why you need to get rid of America. Man, are you fucking mental? Are you fucking, this is on an American fucking kennel club.

The advice is, go get your wife's knickers, right? And by the way, with all of your neighbours looking at your garden, stuff your trimmed dog's fur into your wife's fuckingickers right and by the way with all of your neighbours looking at your garden stuff your trimmed dog's fur into your wife's fucking pantyhose

to stop the cats getting in this is mental clean oil spills what is this website fuck I'm done right so the next time

BB fuck up you me and Peggy are off out to the Atlantic Ocean. Get the clippers. Fur is great for soaking up oil. Oh, God. An ecological non-profit that collects hair fur and fleece clipping uses the donations to make mats and containment boots.

Well, I guess that's... Yeah, we can. Big oil companies are fucking buying me dog hair. Just to save the... So we can. Big oil companies are fucking buying me dog hair. So we can ask for it back. I didn't think it could get any worse. Stuff pillows. How bad was two?

I'm like, I won't let Peggy on the bed because it's rank asleep in it. I'm not like shave her and make her into the bed. Dog fur makes excellent stuffing. If you're crafty, you can sew your own dog toys and fill them with fur rather than synthetic stuffing. For an easier project, consider creating a dog bed

if you want to enjoy the comfort of fur yourself. Try making a pillow for the couch. Does your husband have a stressful week? At the end of five days of nine to five, does he come home wanting a cocktail? Well, how about you wank him off? How about you wank him off and then, with his wank, make him a cocktail?

Welcome to American Kennel Club. Fertilise the soil. Pepper contains a lot of... Apparently you can grind down their teeth with a pestle and mortar as well and put it into your chilli my fucking is there I might have to

send some death threats to this website American Kennel Club Jesus fucking Christ so it's because of them that every dog's getting absolutely seized. A fucking pillow. I'm glad the

pillow was for the dog. That's slightly better. Pillow for the dog. But even then Getting high on your own supply isn't it? Imagine you go back to your hairdresser. You've been going to him regularly for five years. He's good. Doesn't talk to you too much.

Right amount of conversation conversation hey how are you fine can read from your attitude you're not there for a long conversation knows how you take your coffee aye puts it right in front of you

doesn't lets you play on your phone you've been there for five years aye one day you walk into the store right he's big smile on his face

first time he's done that he's excited to see you hey made you something nice hey mate he's up to something aye okay what's this what have you done

just noticed last time you were here like you were there for a long time was it sore in your bum oh it was sore in my bum actually yeah yeah

I was just sat down for a long time these chairs weren't that well I've made you made you a pillow from your own hair what I've made you a pillow from your own hair What? I've made you a pillow from your own hair I don't know why my voice has changed

I haven't been doing this all the time But once you make somebody a pillow from their own hair You have to talk like this It'll be comfy on your bum How's your bum? I mean don't get me wrong It's tightening up But it's

It's certainly Comfier on this Pillow Do you do this For all your customers Oh no no I'm alright with Steve It's only you

I just make your Stuff for your hair Alright Paul Just take a seat mate I'll be with you in a minute I'm looking too It's on its way mate Anyway

Anyway You're number one This week Paul, just take a seat, mate. I'll be with you in a minute. I'm looking too. It's on its way, mate. Anyway. Anyway, you're number one this week. Fucking Jesus. Just a thought in your head, right? I'm being creepy, but just with you. It's just like, I reckon all my other customers would not have acted this way But you Put your arms into this gown I never get I never put my arms

In the gown the right way You know when you get The hairdressers And they've got a gown Every time I get The claim in it Like it's a dressing gown And they tie it at the front

They're like Nah nah nah The full house front And they just put my arms Into the front And any time I get to put my arms Into the front and any time I get to put my arms in

the front leg is this cunt never put a dressing gown on before I'm sure they'd just do the opposite

of whatever you start with because it wouldn't matter right I can't remember where it was but it was

one of you know you get haircuts on the road in this fucking job man I walked into one place

and the gown I've never seen this before and I've not seen it since and I don't know why because it should be the fucking standard. The gown had a little fucking like clear bit there so you could be on your phone the whole time. I can tell you who ruined that. Wankers.

Think someone playing with themselves? 100%. First thing that crossed my mind was when I was on my phone. 100%. That wouldn't be ruined That would be like Oh shit Some of them are wanking Under the gown We need to make all of them See through

I don't want to miss that No I reckon it's Well because it's You know it's closed off Like but God There is perverts Out there

There is No one's wanking The cellar Beneath the Hairdresser Absolutely they are. Why? 100 fucking percent.

Why? You have too much faith in humanity. Why do people do any of the fucking things they do? Why do people come between toes? Why do people drink Pescai? People are fucking weird. I saw an article for someone

in Preston lay on a park bench with chips chips on his crotch like his pants doing because he wanted the seagulls to come down and peck his dick

there you go there you go why did he do that so he's the guy that's wanking in the hairdresser isn't he yeah like I think that it's just

because you know how like you hear some fucking as a bloke you just hear some mental stories from women I hear some mental stories from women I hear a lot from my New York friends how common

like I was on a train and then a guy started masturbating in front of me because that's never happened to me because I'm not a woman like if somebody started masturbating on a train beside me

I'd go up your standards man you can do better than this have some self worth what you working on me for or I'd be like I don't know am i on the wanking carriage i've never bought tickets for the wrong department it's such an alien thing to me because i've just never seen it and i would never do it but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen at least once a day on the new york subway

so i reckon ladies if you're if you're a lady hairdresser Have you ever had somebody wank In store while you were Giving them a haircut I bet it's happened I bet it has I hope it's a no I hope they're just like Nah actually

I bet it's a fetish Getting your hair cut Alright And I bet it's about the gowns I bet it's like I bet that's what it is Right Is if like If you can get away's what it is Right Is if like

If you can get away With a wank In public While she's doing your hair And it's over her And she doesn't know you're wanking And you can get away with it Absolutely that's somebody's kink

Aye Mattie's Mattie First person I've thought of That's why he's always got So much nice hair Yeah It's glorious

There you go Mattie There's a compliment Wrapped up Fucking insult You got nice hair You tosser You fucking sick bastard Nice hair

You pervert Nice hair Where did you get that Did the brothel Pincer Me and Matt He had one of those Not weird But one of those exchanges

That male friends have Where they Where they've not spoken to each other in a while And they want to talk to each other Because they miss each other But they can't at any moment Acknowledge that they missed each other So you want to talk to each other because they miss each other but they they can't at any moment acknowledge that they missed each other so you've got you want to start a conversation to check in but you also just can't check in with your guy friends hey hey buddy how are you because and not because that's

not because oh i'm toxic but if one of my guy friends was to go hey how are you i'm like who said what to you why why are you suddenly reaching out who said what that I'm not handling my shit that you're coming around behind me so you've got to be like that Arsenal game today that's what I love about football

it's a good pocket above small talk beneath deep conversation yeah yeah you can just sit in that pocket all the time it can get it can get into the

I mean my way because it got us into the conversation I was asking him about you know he's got his engagement party coming up. He was obviously asking about Caelan. Did you see him?

No, no. He was on the phone. I've not seen him. I've missed him. I've not seen him in ages. So you rang him? No, no. Did you text him?

I texted him. I texted him. Because he hadn't, like, I. I texted him, and then he had that. Sorry if I don't text you. I just assumed you were busy with the baby. And I was like, it's all right. I was busy.

Well, Cara wasn't. I had to watch that. I wasn't busy with the baby. I was just near someone that was busy with the baby. Matty, I was in Dublin with Colin Baldi. Baldi! Fucking love that that caught on. Man, because literally

I recorded that just to bully Cullen for no reason and now it's working a treat if you ever see any of his shows please heckle him with it but time the heckle don't fuck his jokes up not that type of heckling do it as he finishes

like Avril I said David Cullen just forgot my mate's name uh-uh do it like do it as he finishes like I've been I've been I said David Cullen just forgot my mate's name I've been Ryan Cullen goodnight instead of clapping yeah

just go just like all of you at once instead of clapping just go b-b-b-b-bouldie and then like and we do have to explain that

because we were talking about this just before the podcast one of our friends oh no sorry finish your match sorry oh yeah one of our lovely patrons Lay no, sorry, finish your match story. Oh yeah, one of our lovely patrons, Layla,

has got a Matty's a Pinsir tattoo. No. She's got like a crudely drawn crab on her arm because of Matty. It doesn't say Matty's a Pinsir. It doesn't. It can be left vague. But that's the meaning behind it.'t it can be left vague but it is you know but that's the meaning

behind it we had the Twitch community during lockdown when I'll gather in like obviously it's kind of like I've been travelling around again

back to work I haven't been dating but they've been still keeping together and Shirley Button Brianna who's another patron keeps it going

and to keep the Team Muggins thing alive they do the Matty's a Pinsir thing at 40 minutes past the hour where the pins so it's

it's actually like a symbol of the community oh okay good the Matty's a Pinsir so like it's it boils down from Matty's a Pinsir but it connects

that to the community so it has meaning okay well I have made Matty being a Pinsir have meaning to people who are connected from all

over the world and it is my it is my masterpiece it is my Sistine Chapel it is my Dark Tower series it's like

what's the word for it the way you've got the you know when somebody's got it's like a fucking French word or something like

Bureau de Change and it's not piece de resistance it's my avant-garde it's my carte blanche people screaming at the podcast opus morandi opus meridi or reason to be that's latin i i'm getting there i went via France How do you get a Latin? Fucking hell I'm sure it's like Opus Moretti Or something like that

Magnus Opus Magnus Opus You're Magnus Opus And that's Oh wait You're Raisin Detra I think it's Magnus Opus I think we've found it

What's Raisin Detra? Raisin to be Ah is it Are you finding Magnus Opus Magnus Opus the strong man from Iceland

Magnus Magnum Opus a work of art or literature that's regarded as the most important or best work that of an artist

Magnum Opus there you go Magnum Opus champion ah who is no don't do it don't do it

don't do it shall we pause for a coffee Don't do it. Don't do it. Shall we pause for a coffee and then maybe record another one? Aye, for the fucking patrons. Aye. So we'll put this out. This is today. It's Monday.

Yep. And everyone else will get it Wednesday. Yep. And if you're listening on Wednesday, join Patreon, get your bonus episode. We're going to record that after we've had a coffee since we're in full swing.

Aye. Right. It's good to be back. That is us back in normal capacity to the Patreons that did stick with us throughout the month of replacement bus service. We do appreciate it.

Mark was fucking amazing. It was so good. We're going to have to get, we'll promise the parents, all three of us, podcast, because fucking Mark's been, he's had me in fucking bits, man,

the last few weeks. All right, we'll definitely get me through em yes so welcome back thanks for your patience good to be back

er fuck off