Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Mine Weeper

Episode Date: September 17, 2020

Go on then, have an extended dollop of Muggins and Cream with a sprinkling of Ryan Cullen

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

We'll touch on it. Hi, everyone at home. Hello. I'm Kai Humphries. And I am... Why did you... Did you try to take my line? Was your new way of doing the intro

to interrupt my intro so as to Humphries and Humphries on the road podcast? No, no, no, let's try this again. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, my it's the Humphreys and Humphreys on the road podcast. No, no, no, let's try this again. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Kai Humphreys. And I... You've done it again there, you see? You said your own name. Why didn't you let me finish?

Because you started your second. You're stepping on me, actually. Right, okay. This is why I appreciate Ant and Dick so much. You've not been... I've not been introduced. There's no way you've been introduced. So shut your fucking mouth

and shut up until I'm introduced. Have some goddamn fucking respect for the gays. Wait till we bring you in, Sponge. Shut... Do it! I'm trying to keep putting in. Let me host this podcast. Hello, welcome to the podcast.

I am Kai Humphries and I am now going to pass you over to my friend and introduce himself. I am. I'll get you to knock yourself out. I'll pay you to knock yourself out. Let's finish. I'm Danny Sluts. Let's finish. Finish thing.

Right. Hello, welcome to the podcast. I am Kai Humphries and I am going to let my fellow co-host introduce himself. I am now going to stop talking so he can do that. I'm Danny Sloss. And on my right is... Oh my God, I feel like I'm not supposed to answer. What is happening? It's the worst I'm that's the best what what is happening

it's the worst intro it's the best intro no you're back baby you're never left Ryan Cullen our special guest here's what happened

can I clearly listen to one of your episodes of Clear and Oblivious where you are I've never done that shut up you're not accusing me of that where I did the whole thing

where you are an awful host and he was like you know what I'm a brilliant host and he was like you know what that was a brilliant host and I just did it absolutely was I created content

I am so excited for you to read the comments on this for how bad how long did that shite it two fucking minutes how would this be

imagine today's the day right this podcast is the one where I suddenly decide to be proud of this podcast the one where Sarah Pascoe's listening could this be the one?

Oh, this might be the one she's listening. Hi, Sarah. Why don't you quote me a bit of my match shit? Give me more gold for your book.

I forgot my point. The point is, quality and fro. No, no, no, no. In fact, no, you probably were. Oh, can I do it? Can I do it?

Imagine this was the one week where I decided to be proud of this podcast and if I can promote it online in the open two minutes of you. No, no, when I bring in Daniel's Floss fans to this podcast, for the first 90 seconds, these Colombians, these Americans and these Canadians are listening to some, they assume, and these are my words, these are their thoughts a vagrant disabled man has raised it sat next to Kai

for some reason he's the guest I went with vagrant I don't know why vagrant vagrant it's because you didn't have the confidence

to say disabled because I had a sister that was disabled I'm allowed to say that is the rules of comedy yeah as long as you're close to a tragedy

you get to joke about it and that is literally the rules that's it could I say I wish my sister was disabled wow

she's genuine she's had hip surgery she's fucked that doesn't that's not you know that so where's her badge how good is the parking

come on now yeah alright she's got another one hips are like that hips So where's her badge? How good is the parking? Come on now. Yeah. Aye. She's got another one. Hips only. That makes sense. She's got another hip.

Aye. Do you have two hips? Yes. I mean, I know you do, but surely the hip bone's one thing and it's got two hips on it. It's like a leg shock, isn't it? A hip. Aye, you've got two shoulders.

I'm just... The second I started to explain it to myself... Is that like an ad back in the day? The milk one? Your leg is connected to your hip bone. You know that's not off the ad. The ad used the song. Yeah.

No, no. That's a common song. It's not a common song. It's from a kids' TV show, is it? It comes from originally, the Greeks sang it originally because they invented medicine. Obviously, it was in Latin. But they sang it in Greek, so it sounded a lot like this.

Go ahead, Daniel. She be babadooba do da cliff top hit the bridge go to the dead and hit the dead cough the bush all that

yeah quote that for a bit I'm Sarah Pascoe do we need is this going is this going to be another Sarah Pascoe grievance episode oh no

or is it going to be an episode where we talk to Ryan Cullen oh god are they the options when Sophie's like it's as if

as if nothing's happened since the last podcast you're bringing up as if I've not just turned 30 as if we've also not just had a fucking festival

who had 4 minutes 50 before he brought up on his birthday last week who had 2 minutes 30 before you brought up Santa Pasco what are you talking about?

Anyway, let's introduce our guest. Right, that's it. Ryan Cullen. Well. How are you? I'm great. You know how I am, I love you. Can you just say a few things about yourself?

Well, I like Star Wars now. You just watched Star Wars no you just watched Star Wars I don't I used to I used to I used to hit it

not hit it but I used to get the buzz you used to disparage it in the same way that whenever they got excited

about the trailers I'd watch the reaction videos of like nerds getting excited about the trailers being like

look at these fucking nerds getting excited about Star Wars but then also at the same time getting excited about the trailers being like look at these fucking nerds getting excited about Star Wars but then also at the same time getting excited about the next

fucking Horizon Zero Dawn game yeah I love it when you get the YouTube comments on their like Star Wars trailers and stuff

when somebody thinks they have it worked out and it's like a 10,000 word essay and you read through it and then like a week later

they come out and go nah you were wrong absolutely you were so wrong they tried to guess the entire plot from a week later they come out and go nah you were wrong absolutely you were so wrong they tried to guess the entire plot from a trailer

and they watched the entire movie going I don't think they asked for my opinion JJ's done me again did you look at Star Wars

fandom the way that Mark Nelson looks at us when we play Dungeons and Dragons and Mark Nelson and Bart Simpson

really upset about this. Yeah. Well, now that is an interesting question because you, Colin, have, through living with me, whether you like it or not, been brought in to so many worlds of nerd. I have.

We've hit Marvel and Dungeons and Dragons and just general comic books and stuff like that. Slauson Humphries on the road, just all kinds of like super fandom. Huge universes. Where the main rival is Santa Pascal for some fucking reason. Fucking Emperor. And sometimes Elliot. How did she of my Thanos.

You kept bringing her up. She fucking sells books with calling me racist. Does she sell books or does she sell books? Probably not that many. You know, I've now read the book and we'll use this opportunity

to plug it. What's it called? Plugging a shitty fucking firewood. She's probably on fucking Frankie Bowles New World Order laughing at a rape joke

hold on so Ryan you were brought into not necessarily you weren't nerdy you definitely weren't it was beaten out of us not beaten out of us

I don't think it was beaten out of you I think it was melted out of you it was gently what I did was we started

living together and I wanted to get into Dungeons and Dragons because I met well you and me met Matty Marcia the greatest DM what I did was we started living together and I wanted to get into Dungeons and Dragons because I met well you and me met Matty Marcia the greatest DM

in existence we got to meet all the Critical Role folks and I started watching both of those series and I got so fucking obsessed and obviously what did you say?

what did you just say? what did you just say? he said I think it was Jill Bate the defensive midfielder who played for Arsenal it was just for Kai justSilva who was a defensive midfielder who played for Arsenal.

It was just for Kai and just like the podcast not getting that one. We got into it and obviously it was on our tour about two years ago when we were still living

at our other house, Ryan. And I approached you, Kai and I said I really want to get into Dungeons and Dragons and you're quite easy to convince about things because you're very open-minded and, like me, deep down, a bit of a loser.

Aye, I'm a bit nerdy. Aye. So you were like, you watched one episode of... Like as a kid, like collectible stuff and painted models and all that. I mean, literally. Body paint on them models for the paint reshoots and that. If you want to, I've literally bought paints

for our zombies in the game. Because you know how the zombies are unpainted? Yes. I've literally bought paints for our zombies in the game because you know when the zombies are unpainted I've literally bought paints for them they could do that but I dragged

you I worked double shifts in the factory fires I dragged you into D&D Gareth was obviously fucking keen for it but the problem was

Ryan you and I lived together so it was just like either we're going to do this nerdy thing in a room without you or

get them all involved I don't know I was really against it not against it I was like it'll be fun but I can't let anyone

see it and I feel like talking to a priest first yes man I get that there is like a bit of I don't know if I don't know if

shame is the right word. I think it's all World of Warcraft's fault. Which we also got into. Yes, damn it. Yeah, also, you'd be like, it's World of Warcraft. I got you and Gareth into World of Warcraft when it was re-released for about two weeks.

What I'm learning here is, you basically embrace anything I embrace and I appreciate your photos because, boy, does it make me happier with it myself. It's great, love it. I didn't think I would ever have liked it. It's got to be different the fact that we're pretty creative. We're in a world where we talk for a living

so it's not a really difficult transition to like pull pull funny out of formulaic situations would it be as good with muggles is the formula enough to make it fun with muggles yes yes

you know what yes but maybe not to maybe not to what our standards are it would be fun to play it probably wouldn't be fun to watch like I feel like ours

would have been watchable the one that we've been playing with Tom and Elliot the point of D&D is for not for it to be watchable yeah you're just letting loose

you're not performing you're not entertaining you're just contained we had a because Ryan every time we've played our game of D&D

because it started at the start of lockdown it was all through fucking Zoom meetings and then we eventually had our first ever face to face game it's much better face to face even though the Zoom one actually worked way better through fucking Zoom meetings and then we eventually had our first ever face-to-face game. It's a much better face-to-face.

Even though the Zoom one actually worked way better than I thought it would work. 100%. We got through most of Tomb of Annihilation, about three fucking chapters of it. And what was more embarrassing, not embarrassing, I shouldn't say that.

I should be proud of who I am. My other game, where I DM Kai, Elliot, Steel and Tom Horton, we had to go do it publicly in a board game. Oh, right. There's a bit of rules about that. Hold on. Since you're a guest on this podcast,

allow me to pose this question to you. Would you, having played D&D with me for nine months now, would you ever play it publicly? Oh. And why not okay how many windows are in the

action oh it's it was open window and there are at least three women who were there who couldn't be bothered working for home

so they've chosen this cafe to work in yeah because it's a gaming cafe right and it's got an upstairs I don't think the downstairs is usually used for the gaming

right I think that's more like restaurant bar cafe right and upstairs is where the gaming's happening because it's early in the day they haven't really opened

the top yet so people that were there we were the only ones gaming it wasn't like people were playing Magic the Gatherer or anything like that people were laptops we're doing spreadsheets

for fucking real important shit and meanwhile I'm like you're in Nangalore and Zalketh comes to work would you in that scenario I'd keep telling people to be quiet

just shut the fuck up and I roll the dice I just want to run I'll text it to you I'll text you my move slightly piece of paper oh so this is a secret note No no

No no I do this boldly I just can't And any time somebody Looks over and goes God What are those numbers That percentage

It's just so shy What's our turnover Jimmy They know exactly What we're doing You would have been Interesting to play with Because Elliot

Tom and Kai Had no No care No care And it made it So much better you would have been interested in Blywith because Elliot Tom and Kai had no no care no care and it made it so much better to the point where people were the best

in the whole game with no no they weren't that's Kai's you're not bad when I rolled I rolled a 13 when I needed

more than a 10 and we were stood up it was a death roll without getting too fucking nerdy there was one point where Kai's character had died

well not died become unconscious Elliot's character had become unconscious and Tom's character was left and it was the last opponent left

and Tom was looking to help and he rolled a natural 20 now obviously since you played right you don't know

what a natural 20 is since you're the worst D&D player we'll get to that but all three of them lofts are shit and I wish you could

have seen it from my perspective because the two women who'd been watching us play this game the entire time they laugh took their tops off

they laugh but in the same way that you laugh at a child enjoying bubbles like it was like it was really like oh

I never want to help hang out with these guys but I no no there was no malice they saw raw joy they saw raw joy in a world

that is so cold right now everyone's eating each other alive everyone's just fucking shitting on each other everyone's just

in that world in a board game cafe three men chopped a woman up in a game and beat her and Elliot yes

and I Kai I'm the worst roller no matter what happens I think I feel like I even question

this technique we so for our G&D game I bought this sort of just a bunch of small miniatures

for like crates and things just so when we do play in person there's a little bit of terrain for the characters to play in

and it came with 25 different sets of dice and Colin has gone through all of them I keep going they're all bad luck it's not here it can't be here it must be the. I keep going. They're all bad luck. It's not here. It can't be here.

It must be the dice. I keep going. Anytime, it would always be the first arrow I need to fire and it's just one and I go, it must be the blue. Give me the green dice. Give me the green. Straight one. It's just one I needed too.

It's always the funniest thing. I'm going to use my super duper exploding arrow on my first goal. it's just when I needed to aye it's always it's always the funniest thing he goes I'm going to use my super duper exploding arrow on my first goal natural 1 ok

and then I'm just going to use a stick I found on a tree for my second goal natural 20 I fucking hate this game every single time

we'll move on from D&D stuff but if people enjoy this for the love of God, watch either Critical Role Season 1 or 2 online or also listen to Dragon Friends with Michael Hing, which is also superb.

Also, I'm part of a Twitch one called Roll and Slice. Roll and Slice. Let's also plug the future. In the future, we'll probably... To be fair to you, you can't plug the past. It's like nobody... Every time we've ever plugged, we've only plugged the future... To be fair to me, you can't plug the past. It's like nobody... Every time we've ever plugged, we've only plugged the future.

But I mean, you can't plug the past, but please download my 2007 intro on my website. Oh, I stand corrected. Count down, Marty McFly. No, trust me, he would not fuck his own mum. None of us would fuck his own mum none of us would fuck his mum wow

Linda it's deeply uncomfortable when you watch that film nowadays no idea because incest was so cool

back when you were 12 you were like just say that sarcastically as a joke but it wasn't thrown upon

man I guarantee the people the boomers that lived through the fucking 60s 70s 80s they were like things were way better

back in our days you go everyone was raped by priests and none of you knew it because you didn't have the internet every single one of you

was molested by a priest and none of you could talk about it because you didn't have the internet so it wasn't women belonged in the kitchen kids would speak

when they're spoken to the fucking teacher would hit a child with a stick. Oh, no, no, no. Not for clubs. Blokes are going, blokes are going. It was way better back then. And they're like, hey, I'm for you.

Right, right, right. They didn't hit kids. They hit disabled kids. There'd be a kid in class who was dyslexic, but back then, we didn't have a word for dyslexic. We only had the word stupid. So people in my granddad generation would meet someone who for dyslexic. We only had the word stupid. So people in my granddad generation would meet someone who was dyslexic or did cerebral palsy and be like,

well, they're just not learning fast enough. Whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. And these are the same people like, fucking the 50s. Yeah. Oh, my. Bring back me old days. Aye.

I was at Dylan Warren, had that joke about, he's like, oh, you know, he's chatting to his granddad and his granddad's like, oh, you know, back in my day. And he's like, oh, you know, he's chatting to his granddad and his granddad's like, oh, you know, back in my day. And he's like, well, we're back in your day.

Would you have slavery? The kids can't do the mining and that, coming back with a shilling. Just, by the way, anyone that brags about the old days, just remind them that America,

America did not become an actual, legitimate, full democracy until about 1967. Because before the World Wars, America didn't allow the blacks to vote legitimate full democracy until about 1967 because before the world wars americans didn't

allow the blacks to vote at any point so it was just it it every man every man

is equal as written in the constitution every man i watched selma we watched selma recently we did

selma was good selma and louise that was just straight up dumb We did, Selma was good. Selma and Louise. That was just straight up dumb. When you started going like, I'm going to plug the future, I thought you were going to plug the new PlayStation. That's where I thought you were going with it. No, well actually that might play a part in it. Because when I move up to Glasgow and when you get your fucking 5G master or whatever fucking witchcraft you're getting done to get your 5G

your data we're going to when I get a valid internet connection yes so we're going to have a studio where we can do

the podcast and we can stream it visually I'm literally getting a studio built just now just for my work

and for book and stuff but it's going to be turned into a podcast studio, which we'll use for this, which Ryan and Gareth will use for Clear and Oblivious. And you guys are going to do a FIFA campaign on Twitch. And we'll be doing our own Twitch.

We've been working out ways we can play board games with various camera angles, so that we can play the board games on Twitch. We want to do Zombicide on Twitch. What a game. What a game that is. This is another thing see Kyle

I never did but I never did board games outside of Monopoly and Scrabble you know how you know how there's those

old high school American movies where they take like the really really ugly girl and turn her into like the prom queen like I did with Natalie

don't get me wrong it definitely happened within your Natalie me wrong it definitely happened within your Natalie's relationship it definitely took place within your thanks man

you think I'm looking good compared to what you are yes a hundred percent compared to what you used to look like compared to me not a chance

but compared to what you used to be you think me block white tracksuit should be bleached blonde hair or something like I look like a fucking young Tim Westwood well I wouldn't mind being blonde I'm getting fucking But compared to what you used to be You think me block white tracksuits and me bleach blonde hair was a thing like

I look like a fucking young Tim Westwood Well I wouldn't mind being blonde and I'm getting fucking Grey Aye Getting old ain't ya You hit 13 and you hit it hard that day Boom No I had to like

Cara kept she was like you're getting grey hairs and I'm like Just pick them out of your teeth and keep going And she was like no she was like you're getting grey hairs and I'm like Those are bleach blonde and she'm like, just pick them out of your teeth and keep going. No, she's like, you're getting grey hairs. I'm like, those are bleach blonde. And she's like, you just asked them to bleach that bit. There's a shot on the side, like a little finger in it. Aye, but I feel so, like, genuinely, the first, when she pointed out that I had grey hair,

the reason I was sad wasn't because I was going grey, but it was this sort of shape of like, Oh you're stressed are you? And then, oh you've had a hard life, you live in this house, you get to tour the world and at the age of 30 you're going grey you fucking poof. Like you're just so... Only my grey hairs fellas. Fuck that's a lot of grey hair. That's a lot of grey That's a lot of grey Callum

Callum When you get grey hair What happens is The grey hair props out And then it falls out And then it grows into a worm And then it grows into a Grows into a slug

And then it grows into another cullen And then kills the old cullen I had that said That's how I get one You're like a more biological version Of the movie Prestige It's less about the machine That David Bowie built But more just You're like a more biological version of the movie Prestige. It's less about the machine that David Bowie built, but more just your strands of hair.

For any Christopher Nolan fans, feel free to DM me about how excellent that reference was. Did you know Christopher Nolan directed Flobber? You went for it, Christopher? I spent a second. Because I'm a huge Christopher Nolan fan, I had to back. Imagine he just went does It's just something

that would be quite funny like from like Flubber to Interstellar So what's it called here Rough Summer God Flubber was one of those

I could barely remember No but I wouldn't go back and revisit because I I did it's alright You revisited Flubber You didn't say he did it He says I

Sorry I thought I would revisit I did You revisited Flubber? You didn't say he did it. No, sorry I thought I'd said it. You revisited Flubber? A couple of times, aye. He didn't even say it. I'm gonna wind up. In fact, quiz me, I missed a fandom on Flubber. Okay, what's Robin Williams' character called?

Robin Williams, isn't it? Dude, his character's called Flubber. No, Flubber's the thing he invents. It's not the thing he invents. It's the first friends we met along the way. Fuck off. Right, any more questions on Flubber before we close that time out? What colour was Flubber?

Like a kind of turquoise. Do you not know that in green that's the turquoise is green you're thinking of interstellar again right we've lost our way

somewhere so plug in the future and I'll quickly get this out of the way we're going to do loads of different like the podcast is going to get

running up and running properly video levels no no no none of these are promises these are hopes no These are hopes. No, they're not promises.

I'll make them happen. When I'm up here, come on. Look, I'm building a studio so we can do these podcasts. I had you do

18 weeks of fucking podcasts remotely from when I was in London. We're going to be on a date when you've got a studio and a connection. Yes, yes. No, no, sorry.

I wasn't questioning the commitment to that. It was the fact that you're like, and we're going to do this and we're going to do that. I'm like, don't ever put deadlines in my diary. Not fair. Not fair, what? What's the internet? Now, living in the past, living in the past, you've just had your birthday weekend. I did. It was a bit of a sesh.

It was a barbaric sesh. It's now Wednesday and I'm still a bit sad. It's a Wednesday? It's still Wednesday, mate. Thank God. Do you think that's your first thing now in 30? Everything lasts longer? Oh, man, I hope not.

I don't know. Because you've also recently turned 30. I think it's a mindset as soon as and you know because it's like when you know when you go like

from the two to the three nobody cares about age I don't really care about age I don't even think I know I've seen them girls you fuck old bitches

old decrepit cryptonics I just noticed the way that people just think you're going you're like well that's you

fuck now it's never in England they said you you go uh you bang your toe on like a thing they're like you'll be like oh and he goes that's how it starts and then your fucking leg will go gangly it'll fall off and you're like jesus christ everything's a horror story you sneeze and they're like starts off as a sneeze and ends up with two dead kids. What disease? You know, I just, I drunk drove. I had to adjust and that's why they're dead. Yeah,

so it's a bounce back ability that you start losing. Like, it used to be at much less of a cost for us to sesh. Right. But this week,

I've been like, I've been full on just moping around since the party finished. Like, when am I going to get my spirit back? Is my soul going to re-enter my body or is this how I live now in just a state of numb? Right. Like, when am I going to get my spirit back? Is my soul going to re-enter

my body or is this how I live now in just a state of no? Aye. Well, see, that's where and allow me to be vegan

for the next two minutes. That's where meditation's really important, Kai, because on those days when you're having the shit days, meditation doesn't make

the shit days any better, but it makes you take a step back and be able to have the tools to process the shit days any better but it makes you take a step back and be able to have the tools to process the shit acknowledge what's happening acknowledge what's happening accept what's happening that said um when i realized that i was in a fucking state of disrepair i started taking uh being proactive about it i started my course of cbd which i got from lakeland cbd i started that the night before last. I've got to give it away a little while before it starts activating my endocannabinoid.

Can you remind me of the, because we were down doing our Whitchurch Stourbridge gigs. Yes, it was the first one, Whitchurch, where you met Nicola from Lakeland CBD. Because I've tried CBD before, because I'm a huge, huge fucking stone. All the CBD doses I've ever taken have been... So she told me a little bit about it. It activates then the cannabinoids in your body. So it's actually you that's healing yourself. I'm trying to say medicine, but it's not.

The CBD, it helps you help yourself. So that takes a couple of weeks before that will start coming into fruition. It's not just like a fucking it's not like a prescription drug that you pop

and you just get fucking high off it straight away I told Milo what it was and he was like ooh can I have one and I went

it would do literally fuck all like you need to have recourse to them and stay on them and let it do its time I started two days ago and the reason

I didn't start is because I didn't want to be taking this alongside a session I was about to go on so I've had it for a week but I was like I didn't want to be taking this alongside a session I was about to go on. So I've had it for a week. But I was like, I don't want to put this alongside cocaine and fucking alcohol and all that, right?

So I thought I'll wait until I come out the other side of it. I like how you opened with cocaine but started with alcohol. You're like loads of cocaine and heroin. And then also a couple of Smirnoff ice. There's sugar in it. I'll be honest with you Kai I feel like you whispered the wrong bit

I'll tell you what guys I'm about I'll tell you what guys I'm about to have sex with a really beautiful girl and she's 15 years old oh no no I've done it

no have you noticed any difference little CV from two days but also also I've done it no have you noticed any difference little CBD from two days in but also also if I was to answer that I'd be like

yes I have noticed a difference I feel a lot better today than I felt yesterday but that was because I'm on less of a condom

right but this should start running its course because I was saying like my problem is like I struggle

to get out of bed in the morning like I've got no get up and go and so she gives a particular dosage told us to take it just before my head

hits the pillow and that should help us out in the future so I'll be able to tell you if I'm bouncing out of bed again genuinely interested in that because I've now

after my 30th birthday chosen to take a week a week off a month off of weed you can tell how much it's on my mind yeah and I've always

been interested in the CBD stuff because the reason I know I smoke a lot of weed sometimes is because it's for my anxiety it's because

it's just things that and that's the medicinal bit they've just bred the strands so that it breathes out the THC and breathes up the CBD

and when you're smoking it for medicinal reasons you're smoking it for the CBD the THC just happens to get you high at the same time I know but as much reasons you're smoking it for the CBD the THC just happens to get you high at the same time

I know but as much as I'm very excited about the CBD side of things but I do you like being high man

me and Colin and I know we talk about this but is there just better kissers when you've had it more sensitive more open minded

more well more truthy which is the pain that's why we have to go further so on top of that I started that

two days ago and today I signed up with Sam Harris and I paid the upfront for it because he's basically

got a full refund policy in fact he says if you haven't got the money to put up front get in touch mental health shouldn't be he's waking up a meditation app if you can't got the money to put up front, get in touch. Mental health shouldn't be...

He's waking up a meditation app. If you can't afford it, you can literally just email them and go, give me a free subscription. And zero questions asked. There's no reply email. There's no show as your credentials. If you go, can't afford it,

they'll go, here's your free subscription to this fucking meditation. Free refund with no excuses needed. So you could actually fucking run the course and do a refund if you're a dickhead but I believe the meditation hasn't worked

if you're going to pull that kind of stunt aye so do it and get money back but I basically thought if I pay for it now right

and then I find I've like two weeks have passed and I've used it twice and then I'm like not likely to use it in the future I'll just fucking cash in that refund

so like I'm just putting it up front thinking I mean I'll try and stick to it so I'm going to try and run the meditation the same day

alongside each other and just see if like stacking them do you have to take it before bed is that what you're trying to say Natalie suggested

that she could struggle switching off after work and her head's spinning and she kind of just enjoyed the movie because she was thinking about working out of pain just all them Al-Qaeda plans after work and her head's spinning and she kind of just enjoyed the movie because she was thinking about working out of pay

just all them Al-Qaeda plans going off in her head oh there we go Pascoe's book that's how it starts fuck me cow

I'm sorry fucking nod Natalie got proper pissed off for being apologetic for not mugging us off like that did she Natalie got proper pissed off for being apologetic for not mugging us off like that Did she

Natalie got proper pissed off She can't be racist in her book man Aye yes and I disagree with what Sarah said I disagree with that aspect of it

Of course I know you're not racist You married one of them That's the thing with you Did you marry a racist I just figured out Aye

You should be able What I'm saying't I'm sticking out you should be able what I'm saying what I'm saying is we should be able to have this laugh that we're having now with everybody involved and no one getting hurt

without getting quoted for a bit absolutely absolutely but okay let me just remember a point my main point

was always I don't think you should have ever told that story on any podcast ever it wasn't my story I don't think no no

I popped a few punchlines in a story that was being told aye yeah and you should have shut it down you should have gone this isn't a story

that blogs in a podcast this isn't a good story this isn't a fun story there's no this is the fact that you allowed the story to happen is why you suffered

the consequences this is where the problem is with society you wanted to silence that story the story should have never happened Elliot shouldn't have

done the thing I but I was asleep so I couldn't stop him doing the thing and there wasn't the podcast so I couldn't stop

him telling the story look I would if you feel like to say this site I apologise but I also know I'm just making it a bit now

Natalie's the one that's fucking infuriated by it sorry let me just face it I wasn't actually apologising to you I was apologising to Natalie the thing that she was asked to do is take it's a smaller dosage and take it after

she finishes work so you speak to them, speak to the guys and just say this is where I'm at I think it's going to be way more effective for people who actually have like super anxiety or bipolar or borderline personality disorder or even more physical stuff like arthritis. I think it's going to be way more of an impact on their lives than it will be on me and Natalie who are like, oh, I struggle to get up in the morning or my brain doesn't switch off

from work. Like, that's just actually on the scheme of things, you know like I struggle to get up in the morning or my brain doesn't switch off from work like that's just actually on the scheme of things you know I forget to say like what my mental health issues are that's very low

on the scale but I think it is something that's just going to help us try and tackle I mean here's again this is me

being a vegan hippie don't compare your mental health to anyone's mental health because that within itself creates a problem with your own fucking mental health. It's a good thing to do regardless.

Like, it's... I think it's a positive thing to go for. Because you and me smoke a unre... What? Right, you didn't smoke weed until... Recent. Until when? your fault yeah

yeah no I did not... fault suggests... bad blame yeah you've never smoked weed before because... because I don't take it because of the... I like asthma and shit like that so you got asthma? you got a little bitch lungs?

middle of the list alright little eh... I was going to say little bagged lungs fist packets, small fist packets, watsit packets bitch lungs little I was going to say little bagged lungs but little bags small little watsit packets watsit packets little bags are actually

very good but it's good it helps your anxiety and stuff but I don't know what the CBD stuff does it's that

it's that it's that that helps your anxiety so apparently you know how you and me love fucking weed and whenever we

get stressed about shit we all apparently the bit we're after there is apparently CBD and they've You know how you and me love fucking weed, and whenever we get stressed about shit, we all go, wait, apparently the bit we're after there is apparently CBD. Nah. And they've managed to isolate.

Make it on site, right? But unfortunately, it's not an instant effect sort of thing. Like it's... Well, I mean, we'll see. We'll see. Well, are we using catties like in a guinea pig? 100%.

If there's anyone you send down the coal mines, it's somebody that comes from the lineage of people that belong in coal mines. If there's anyone that is going to be the Canadian this, it's the fucking Joe.

The show of coal mines. I clapped and I shouldn't have. I should not have. You gave him way more. So the meditation, I had a little shot of that. I instantly wanted to go back in

I should have stayed there for a bit because I finished one and they're clearly just bleeding it in just kind of like didn't give them something too heavy

so the chat was for a bit and it was funny that listen to when he was saying acknowledge your breathing right and I'm acknowledging

my breathing and he interrupted some thoughts and he just said look I've probably interrupted some thoughts right now which'm acknowledging my breathing and he interrupted some thoughts and he just said look I've probably interrupted some thoughts right now which he had

he called it he's like that'll happen don't judge yourself because judgment is your thoughts and that too needs to pass

right so he's giving it all this right and he's going so every time you feel them just let them pass and then concentrate

on your breathing and then look past your breathing and acknowledge other sensory things that you're feeling and something I didn't even know I was feeling

was coke snots dripping down the back of my throat. Now what? I'm going to think about all these things really fast and really effectively. Sam, Sam, I need you to tell me how many times it's perfect for me to breathe within the next 30 seconds because I'll fucking triple it, buddy. listen sam listen i've got this idea you see this meditation we need to

make an app i love you know the best thing is you use like a different app to you right and you use headspace no not the headspace i use the cam app it's just called right and it's uh but the funniest thing is, you know, like, you're going through all these different, like, meditations and stuff, right? But the funniest thing is

you can choose, like, who says it. There's a couple of voices on each. What, like sat-navs? Nah. Like, who's the chief? I'm pretty much a fool

who doesn't concentrate on his children. Don't I find it? Come to the depression side breathe out Jesus

yeah Darth Vader talking to you breathe in fuck this is difficult and breathe out

I ain't breaking no plane but I love the fact that there's all different people from different

around the world but anytime an English person comes on I go No, that's it Another few lessons to not get angry I'm sorry, I'm sorry Do you think this accent's relaxing? Johnny, hello, hello

I'd like you to breathe through your nose Oh fuck, they're back Breathe through your nose, put your hands behind your head And walk against the wall I think it'd be worse. Not this again. It'd be worse if someone with my accent came on because I'd be like, I think I know this guy. You're a cunt.

Fucking breathe through your fucking nose and I fucking swear to fucking God, if I see a fucking negative thought in your fucking brain, I'll kill your dog. It's just threatening. Like, I feel much better. See, now this is an interesting thing. it's just threatening like I feel much better see you know this is an interesting thing god I never thought

this podcast would ever turn into this but it came from a conversation I had with Sopit I like the waking up app because Sam Harris

does meditation in what I describe in a Milo McCabe free way there's nothing hippie about Sam Harris's meditation it's just

this is teaching you how your brain works, how your own psychology in your brain works, and how to analyze your own thoughts. I know they were like your Shakiras and that. Oh, you've got to get your seven Shakiras lined, and you've got to make sure there's two in your hips so that they can't lie, and they've got to line up in the middle, because otherwise, fucking, who's the Barcelona defender?

What shag you? Pique. Pique, there he is. You need to piqueique you can't Pique your head rest or I pawn that bad a pawn no

but you know he would have loved it he would have I guaranteed he laughed out loud and applauded if he

listened who was it about Pique you were talking about there's nothing hocus pocus there's no energy leaving you laughed out loud and applauded if he listened what was it about PK you were talking about there's nothing focus focus there's no energy leaving you

for your trips and all that shit but I'm talking to talking to Sopha our friend who did I think about even though

there was only like two wars in Iraq I think he did 24 tours yeah Afghanistan as well like I think he was in the past that happened in-Kaiba Pass. That happened in the 1800s.

He's the share of Afghanistan. I think Sophe was involved in the Crusades at one point. I think he was going through with a claymore. Because if he wasn't going through a claymore, I don't know where he got that claymore from. Is that what Florence and the Machine is to Glastonbury? It's the piers on every single piano. That's the headline act. But Sopho was talking about meditation. He was going to do it and he used his headspace.

And it was very interesting because Sopho was saying what he needed from meditation was to learn empathy. What his headspace meditation was teaching him to see things from other people's perspective, to understand their points of view, which is something I don't fucking struggle with. I'd never realised that people got different things from other people's perspective to understand their points of view which is something I don't fucking struggle with. I never realised that people got different things from meditation because for me it was understanding my own brain

that's why I'm interested in asking you with the Calm app, what is it that you're using it for and does it help and help? It does, I got like just... You have anger issues I do I've started getting therapy and stuff like that

You made the right choice This is much better I do I do I've got I've started getting therapy and stuff like that yeah good and I was doing you made the right choices and this is much better thank fuck I was going to

start a GoFundMe for that Colin very bravely and proudly started going to therapy about a month

after well yeah that was a change a change to one here. You and me started going to therapy around about the same time because we both realised...

Come on, start at me. Well, I got a local guy at the start of lockdown. Oh, in Edinburgh? Oh yeah,

and how was it? Oh, I was with him. Good fact, doesn't find me funny. Oh, you're trying to make that a pisser job. I went, he's not helping me out, I got any. I was with him. Good crack. Doesn't find me funny. Oh, you're talking about a pisser, y'all. He's not helping you out, I get any.

And I went, oh, that was decent. He's just like, basically, he's not even going ticket serious. He's just genuine. He's just like, yeah, cool. How old is he? I don't know. He's in his 50s. Okay.

And does he find you amusing at all? I don't think so. He's just very good and professional is he right he doesn't even enjoy you as a concept because as a concept you're really full as a concept

but is it like is he like an English teacher to you or is it how does he speak to you because my therapist is Dutch

and I love my therapist because my therapist gets excited whenever I swear because legally he's allowed the permission to swear then. Aye. Not legally, ethically. He's like, so I'm going to quote you here.

You are so fucking mad. And his face lights up because he can't believe he can swear. So you're telling your therapist you're a mad cunt? I've got a mad name. He's like, okay, you're mad. No, no, no. What happens is I go to a mad name he's like okay you're mad no no no what happens is I go to my therapist

I'm like here's something entirely irrational that I lost my mind about today he's like alright okay so somebody parking slightly over the line at Sainsbury's

made you want to write a 4,000 word essay describing exactly how you wanted them to kill themselves let's discuss that let's unpack that. When we were fucked up on your birthday celebrations,

I had a conversation with Cullen here about how he's too different people to me, right? He's the fucking funny, quippy, charming lad that we've got sat next to now. And he's this fucking lad in the football WhatsApp who's just a completely different person and pissing everybody off. Because he plays out to the character. Oh, but so well. It's like's just a completely different person and pissing everybody off because he plays up to the character

oh but so well it's like it's a completely different guy like even when I'm sat next to him on the couch and I'm in the WhatsApp it's almost like

his WhatsApp messages aren't as harsh as they appear because I can see him he's there laughing and that's why

having been in the group that's why I know Cullen's breakdowns in the group are never as big as everyone acts like they are because everyone in the group is like Cullen you'res in the group are never as big as everyone acts like they are. Because Cullen, you're usually mine and I'm sat on the couch just looking over at Cullen being like, I mean he seems fucking...

So you thoroughly misrepresent yourself, right? You do, you're your own worst cheerleader. You thoroughly, thoroughly misrepresent yourself. It's like, you know how some people are sound when you meet them, but their Facebook is just like a fucking car crash. And you're like, oh, which one's the real them? You're like, is it Ryan that I know, or is it Ryan talking about Ryan Frazier? He's the worst of the Ryans. So I asked you, when we were having this conversation,

I said, yeah, how many times have you mentioned Aubameyang, which is, for people that don't know Arsenal's star striker Ryan's team, how many times have you mentioned Aubameyang and he went I remember this one time I told him and I was telling him about this conversation I had where I lost my mind and all that and then he said you've got to do this and I was like

hold on, did you employ a therapist to coach you through your WhatsApp chat? Just tell me how many goals you scored this week. You've got a corner, man. Every time I'm having a conversation with you with a WhatsApp move, I'm thinking of him just holding the towel going, I've got to throw this in in a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you think a therapist is a teammate? That's what he is. That's what the conversation was. That's what I was laughing at. Is that he fucking went and went, oh man, I'm losing this jewel in the WhatsApp

so what does your therapist is it mainly anger or is it oh there's a lot of stuff I don't want to talk about but he basically it's a it does work

it does work it does work it really does I would if you can afford it and you know I find affordable stuff there's ways of getting around it

but you have to fucking fairly look but okay so literally what are those ways because basically I was trying through the NHS and stuff

because I wanted to get one basically like close here you know what I mean so I was changing around trying on NHS yeah that's a bit of a

like a witness and everything as great as it is and it's not great in Scotland compared to it is in England Because because the NHS is being stretched thing because of the Tory fucking government you fucking retards I use a website called I think it's Harley Reid therapy and they just give you basically

People that are nearby and you just pay there's a set fees up there like and some of them are all different prices and you can Thank you. And you find that's work for you I did yeah I read her as Harley Reid it's basically a thing but like that it's just a thing where it is it can be affordable at least okay all right it's such a shame it's like it kind of like it seems to be a middle-class luxury like or just middle class calling but like it does but you've you've been around middle class people

that have suggested it and you've got their like I feel like I know a lot of working class people that would like it's not fashionable for them

or affordable for them and I feel like there's so many people I know that could deal with it man here's the thing literally every person in the world

should be in fucking therapy every single one I'd like to give it a pop I'd like to give it a shot like the fact literally every person in the world should be in fucking therapy every single one of them I'd like to give it a pop I'd like to give it a shot like the fact that every therapist I know goes to therapy as well because they know

how important it is and also their their shoulder and a lot of fucking stuff that they've got to just swallow up but yeah they understand

they're watching car crash after car crash on a daily basis that's fucking hard and they know how much that affects your psyche. So I constantly say this to Garrett, because between how I was feeling last fucking November

and how I'm fucking feeling now is so different. And it is fucking thanks to therapy. And I get to go to therapy because I'm rich. I'm successful. And I get this. And it makes my life so much fucking easier. And it's a genuine fucking disgrace that I get that about other people. It doesn't mean I feel fucking...

It shouldn't be a luxury. It shouldn't be a fucking luxury. It should not be a fucking luxury. It should be almost compulsory. You have to sign a waiver to get out of it kind of thing. It should be good. Because if everyone was in therapy, I promise you the world wouldn't be the way it is the reason the world

is the way it is because people aren't dealing with their own problems they're putting them out there in the fucking world like you said

then you worry and you get scared and when you get scared you panic and when you panic you yell and you start fucking crying

and you lash out and that's what it is and regardless what side you're on whether it be left or right that's what fucking happens

everyone should be in fucking therapy me and Natalie were saying that if we decide to have children we'd should be in fucking therapy me and Natalie were saying that if we decide to have children we'd like to go into therapy first just to make sure

that we're not like downloading any shitty software like is there anything that like I need to iron out just things that I haven't noticed

because I haven't identified anything of myself that I need to take to therapy I haven't spotted that which is why I haven't been proactive

about doing it but like it's a bit more important if I'm going to have a kid it's like oh is there any shitty stuff that proactive about doing it. But, like, it's a bit more important if I'm going to have a kid. It's like, oh, is there any shitty stuff that I'm doing that needs figuring out before... Why do you... OK, I just find that I agree with you in a sense,

but why does your responsibility go to your kid and not to yourself? Surely, if your kid would benefit from your therapy, how would you not benefit from your therapy? Not benefit with hiring that out. I don't know. It's more just like a fucking... It's a fear. Handing it on.

Think like, I don't mind being responsible for myself. I'm still kind of happy, you know. So this is what I think the biggest mis... The reason people don't go to therapy. People go, I can handle it myself. I go, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. Most of us... What would my conversation be then? You know, like if I went to a therapist. Because I've never been, so I go, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. Man, most of us... What would my conversation be then, you know?

Like, if I went to a therapist, because I've never been, so I don't know what it's like, right? What would my conversation be? Because when I just walk in and go, like, I'd feel like, man, sorry, mate, there's somebody, probably people that, there's probably a queue of people that need it.

No, no, no. Like, I'm just going to complain about other people for a bit. Like, in their behavior. Is that all right? Aye. And because you're paying them money they don't give a shit

what you talk to them about they'll sit there and listen but he is like the first in fact I'll pose this question

to you right first question do you think your therapy sorry how long have you been in therapy now well this guy

since he started locked in he's gone through them how many have I've done it I've done it before you had one before had before no no no I also think

it's important to switch no I think it's important to switch if you have a therapist that doesn't agree with you

he's like you're male you're like I'll find a new one I need a yes man get a yes man in here

but I think it's more important just to get someone for some reason I feel better if you get someone nearby

someone I don't even understand it doesn't make sense I think everything got more important just to get someone first. For some reason, I feel better if you get someone nearby. I don't even understand. It doesn't make sense. I think everything got obviously a little bit worse always with lockdown. Everybody's just sitting on their thoughts for months, essentially. It's that boring. Stewing. Stewing.

So everything does get heightened. But it does. It does. It does. But at what point or was there a point where you felt the therapy started working? Because for me, the first five sessions I had my therapist felt like a real big waste of time. Did you? Man.

I wouldn't, like, that first one was suck. Yeah. Man, it was, literally, I walked in there and I just told him, I'd emailed him before, and I was just like, look, I don't like who I've become after this tour I don't like how I'm reacting with all these fucking things I want to sort myself out and I went to a session with him and I just told him

everything I was feeling and literally at the end of the session he was like okay and I'm like what the fuck do you mean okay like what do you like

fucking fix it and I go and the next time he's like how do you feel and I'm like well you're still annoyed about all these things

and he's all these other things and he goes okay you know how does that make you feel get it off your chest was actually what you need to do oh but you don't fucking realize it because he here's what therapy is right it's all a therapist does is just let you keep talking and he and your therapist never tells you anything about yourself your therapist goes what's in this room and you go two couches and a dartboard and they go what else is in this room and you go oh i mean if you're going to be specific there's two dartboards uh yeah sorry there's two couches a dartboard a simpsons poster and a cupboard and he goes

look in the room again and you go all right my dead sister's in there yeah right let's talk about that then there's a locked door. What's behind that? No one knows. You are never going to be, you are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to be your most open and vulnerable in your first session with your therapist. You never are.

You're not going to be that. Man, it took until my fucking granddad died until I text my therapist being like, I'm having a really fucking rough day. And I paid the man £65 to cry on Skype to him for 45 minutes and he was like great session, I'm like I bet it was for you

I bet that was great he probably fucking switched his screen off, he's playing Minesweeper he's playing Minesweeper no no, Minesweeper Minesweeper, he is I didn't mean Dutch, I meant German he's Minesweeper. Mein Weeper. He is. I didn't mean Dutch, I meant German. Mein Weeper.

Mein Weeper, here he is. Mein little Weeper. He's so sad about his dead granddad. Now I'm playing solitaire. He's having a little Mein Weepie. Mein Weepie. That first one, I just feel like I was just tired of a stranger. I'm in aepy that first one I just feel like

I was just tired of a stranger in a fucking waiting room you know someone just sparks a conversation in a waiting room

and you're like well I guess I'll talk to you that's what you've been doing that's why I think the best way in an ideal world

what I would love therapy to be which is you basically go to someone and go hey hey hey here you go

you've turned 18 years old. By the age of 20, you have to legally have gone to these 23 therapy sessions. And if at the end of those sessions, you feel like you don't need it, you never have to do them again. But just two years and 10 a year,

so less than one a month, for the next two years free therapy once a month and if at the end of the three years you think you don't need it you don't need it I predict 95%

because you just suddenly go people will get back because they will go that was helping me I want to get back after this it's not it's not about it's not about having problems

it's not about finding these things in yourself to fucking fix it's not about finding problems. It's not about finding these things in yourself to fucking fix. It's not about finding flaws and turning them into positives. It's about understanding yourself and why you react in certain ways and where in your childhood that comes from. It's just understanding the chemistry of who you are as a human being. Are they recorded? God, I fucking hope not.

No, why would they be recorded? Because they're like, just so he can like, go back and like, know and study them. Nah, don't do that. I think if they are recorded... Because they are in Ozark

and they are in Daredevil and like, on any like, HBO type thing where they've got fucking therapy, like, there's always like, a fucking thingy of tapes.

Ah. Oh, they're in. Okay, yeah, I've never thought about it. And also, my therapist does bring up stuff I've said in previous sessions, but I just thought

you'd be good memory. Maybe he does. He may take notes. Well, man, that's his job and that's what a therapist does. I'm going to pull on a balaclava

and Rob Cullen's therapist and he doesn't record that fucking morning. It's just a late table. So what, what's your name? Colin, Colin,

why are you so angry? Our Teta is still seventh. I can't fathom it. He's not tracking back. I'm such a, I'll start the NMI therapy on Twitch. Well,

I mean, that's the only reason I went to therapy is because I don't have the internet connection for Twitch that's what I was thinking I was like

I think my mental health would be so much better if it was better oh if I could produce yes I'm going to do

we'll do a longer one today this isn't going to be a narrow one but I'm just going to say at this point let's move on to the Michael Corners

because we do a festival I've got one if you want. Well, in that case, do you want to introduce Muggle Corner first? This could be quite quick

because I think it's just straight in. I think it's straight in. We're going to unpack it. We're going to unpack it still. Just in case there's new listeners, just explain what?

Muggles, they're an inoffensive being but a muggle is somebody that does some like low programming level shit like

the textbook one is love laugh live on the wall of your living room is muggle behaviour like if you watch X Factor

chances are you're a muggle Britain's Got Talent if your co-worker goes on holiday and you're like put me in your suitcase that's muggle banter

it doesn't make you a bad person if you said Mr Bit to the cleaner If your co-worker goes on holiday and you're like, put me in your suitcase, that's muggle banter. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you said, Mr. Bit to the cleaner, to the window cleaner, you're probably a muggle. If your neighbour's mowing his lawn and you're like, do my next smuggle behaviour. It's harmless. If you text into the music channel in the early thousands with your name and your source's name, to see what percentage you got, you're a muggle. I have been muggled? No! Sorry, one minute. What are you talking about? Wait, do you not remember this? We were talking about the little spinny

balls and stuff. No, no. Do you remember back when MTV was a music channel? Like BOSS? Between? It was a box. Aye. A kiss. A box. I remember the box. You text in your name, your Chris's name, and it just texts you literally your Nokia 3310. 25% or something. I remember the box. You text in your name, your cousin's name, and it just texts you literally your Nokia 3310. 25% of something.

Aye. That's hilarious. Fucking me. So some guy's just sitting there going like, wing it. Just getting, just ruining teenagers' hopes and dreams. Because I texted my big crush all the way through high school was Laura Young, and I've got no problem saying that name because it's incredibly common. But Laura Young was my huge huge crush and I texted that name and that 12% made sure that I never pursued her again. So Laura if you're listening you could

have had me but some chap doing text messaging. Unfortunately, what got between us was Kerrang. I love that it's Kerrang. The producers of Kerrang. It feels so Kerrang, but so Kerrang. Oh, no. Have you ever won anything on a show like that? Yes, I won. I'm so happy you asked this question.

I won a portable DVD player from Nickelodeon when I was 12 years old. You don't need to be portable. Why am I lost my mind? You've got a screen on, you've got a laptop on. So remember when DVD players were big things you had to connect to the TV? Yeah. In about 2002, 2003, portable DVD players. So it was smaller than a laptop.

So it was flash in the pan as a mini disc. Oh yes. Because you would just put it in your laptop. There was no need to have just an isolated DVD player. Oh no, but even the laptops didn't have the CD. It was much longer after that. They couldn't play. But basically when I was about

30 years old Nickelodeon was on TV and they were like we're looking for some new movie reviewers send us in your movie I've actually told this

show in the podcast before send us in your movie reviews and I was just bored to my limb and I was like okay I'd like to review 101 Dalmatians

I wish all of those Dalmatians were cut all of those Dalmatians were cut up and turned into a jacket and I just sent it away because I was a troll before trolls existed

and I sent it through 17 minutes later on the TV and we've got our first answer in here from a young Daniel Sloss

he says he'd like to review the movie 101 Dalmatians and they did not they clearly did not read it through at all because the guy

was like I'd like to send all of those dogs into a coat making that's a beautiful letter Daniel thank you so much no

they sent me the fucking DVD player you want a portable DVD player and a joke they weren't allowed to read out yes

just send them the DVD player we've been done. Sorry, I feel like I interrupted the story that you wanted to... No, I actually didn't. No, so yeah. I've never wanted it. He's never wanted it.

Teletext. People used to fucking send it. Like, as you can get at the depths of Teltext, there was like 999 different pages on Teltext, right? And one of them was about pen pals. People looking for pen pals and put their fucking address on Teltex right and one of them was about pen pals people looking for pen pals and put their fucking address

on Teltex so anyone would trust the television could open Teltex like I used to only use it for like whatever fucking football results

or bamboozle you know the little game those were the days do you know what I'm talking about yes I used to

so it would be like multiple choice games can't put fucking their addresses to be pen pals on for the price of 26 pence. You could send debauched fucking bullshit at least fucking straight.

That's so weird to do. You know what fucking can't? Yeah, I got your finger off Teltex and just fucking start spieling. I'd love to see them now. I can't remember what I wrote. Grossly inappropriate. If our parents saw them, they're dead.

And if you saw them now deeply ashamed deeply ashamed like honestly like fucking Sarah Pascoe with a fucking polo I swear to god

right next episode can we try to not there's a bit I'm just saying everything I say doesn't get turned

into fucking stone stone and put the back of it everything that leaves your mouth is like and here's the thing that can help people stand and put the back of a dustbin everything that leaves your mouth is like and here's the thing that Kai Humphries will stand by for the rest of his life now I've got to end up in a whoops bin

a whoops bin I enjoy that it's funny a whoops bin that's way better than being cancelled it's A whoops bin? That's way better than being cancelled. It's a whoops bin isn't it? No, no I was pretending I had books and a whoops bin and I ended up with the fucking 99k flash sale.

Oh, that's funny. A whoopsie bin? I thought the whoopsie bin was the fraction of being cancelled. I said no way for it to be cancelled. Into the whoopsie bin. He had a whoopsie. I did the whoopsie bin yeah the whoopsie back to the whoops bin again

what do you mean it's cancelled no it's the whoops bin the whoops bin is actually way better than the cancelling because cancelling

is too permanent look people make mistakes they say things they don't mean they say things they don't do but as human beings we all grow

and we all learn the problem with cancelling suggests that you don't get another series after that but if you put somebody in the whoopsie bin, in the same way that you go into the sin bin in rugby or hockey, you're going to lie back out in about five or ten minutes.

Tail between your legs. Why? I'm sure you're going to the thing about the hookah. There we go. We need to change cancelling people to putting people in the whoopsie bin. The whoopsie doopsie bin. But also, you've got to make sure that there's a boundary for it. Like, Donald Trump doesn't get to go in the whoopsie bin. The whoopsie doopsie bin. But also, you've got to make sure that there's a boundary for it. Like,

Donald Trump doesn't get to go in the whoopsie bin. He doesn't get to be like, he gets to lead the, right about him, right about Donald Trump. Are you trying to bring

down your dickhead? He did so. That'd be funny if you were like, you killed an entire family of children and you're just like, well,

whoopsie bin for me. No, no, no, you're cancelled. Donald Trump being like we need to kill Black Lives Matter and the Republicans are like

we'll be honest he belongs in the whoopsie bin as Republicans we've got a strict and the Dems are like three

a million he's in the whoopsie bin we've done everything we're politically able to do did you see Kanye pissing on his Grammy speaking of presidents I saw someone tweeting about like million he's in the whoopsie bin we've done everything we're politically able to do did you see Kanye pissing on his Grammy

speaking of presents I saw someone tweeting about like why is there no pressure just drop it on his cock no because he's on well no he's not on

enough drugs at the moment I also realise I want to give one clarification specifically to Natalie yeah the reason I

am not willing to put Sarah Foley in the whoopsie bin and hate her fully the reason I've got loyalty to Sarah is because of Latitude Music Festival when she took drugs off an 18 year old I was there, she took drugs off an 18 year old fucking put that in your book

we've taken drugs off 18 year olds. Aye, and I'm not writing books being a fucking whole other than Al Conde. Aye, aye. I thought that's right, I thought okay, that dude took a pill off an 18 year old the time I thought it was cool. Right. No, my story here is, was, I was about to take half a pill. I didn't want to take any drugs

and this was I mean about 7-8 years ago yeah because Elliot still was 18 then oh the same person

she threw under the bus was it Elliot I don't know if it was Elliot was it Elliot was it I was on drugs so I can't remember but basically

I me and Sue both had a pill and I was like should we just take it and she was like sure we both took it and had a pill and I was like, should we just take it? And she was like, sure, we both took it.

And I turned around and I was like, fucking, this is strong. She was like, you didn't take a full one, did you? And I was like,

of course I took a full one. She was like, I said only to do a half and I was like, oh my God, you did say to take a full, you did say to take a half, oh my God,

I've taken a full one. And with that second thought, she threw the second bit in her mouth and joined me on it. No, that's what I mean, I thought she was sound. Like, we were in Australia,

like, I remember when I was, like, fucking, like, just teaching Shappi Koshandi's kids how to swim, you know, like, being a swell guy. Ah, but what does Shappi say about you in her book? You tried to drown her children. At one point, you told her son

that he would either sink or swim. Yeah. Nice one. Muggle Yeah. I swam. Muggle Corner. Muggle Corner. Muggle Corner. Muggle Corner. Mine is about...

What of that was your... My Muggle Corner, nah, I was just spelling out what Muggles were. And then it got into yet another conversation. My Muggle Corner is gender reveal parties. You got this as well. Oh, cool, babe. I made you, snap. So, I actually, Ryan and Kyle, you're gonna have to kiss

because you both got the same model of horny. This has never happened before. So, we'll just do it on a... Stop laughing at Kyle, he's trying his best. Stop laughing at Kyle, he's trying his best stop laughing at Kyle he's trying his best stop laughing at

each other oh yeah stop it oh yeah well you do know there's some like ADSRM fucking fiends

that are jacking the fuck over you slapping their lips there I come from the kind who's got fetish fangs on his switch

cap this one thing I know is I'm not going on the podcast The cunt who's got fetish fangs on his switch coat. That's one thing I know will not be on the podcast. This clearly all came from that story where the guys burnt down houses like America, basically, with fun. Did you see Alex Edelman's incredible tweet? No. If you have a gender look, this is Alex Edelman, who's been on the podcast before,

the most Jewish man that's ever lived. Brilliant comedian. His tweet was if you have a gender reveal party and it puts an entire forest on fire it's a boy. That's very funny. And it's incredible.

These gender reveal parties they haven't, or at least I want to gender they haven't or at least I want to believe they haven't fully made their way to the UK yet

yeah because in America it's it's become this I've seen a few in the UK have you Harry Kane

it'll just be like Harry Kane Harry Kane he did one like a free kicker apparently and it hit the thing and it burst

like a tank Harry Kane took a penalty and it hit the thing and it burst. It took a few takes. It's been five years. I still don't know. Colin Wilson? He's good player. Why did he go in? He scored on the weekend. He's had as many goals as a Bami hat.

But against who? Against West Ham actually there was a deal like this we chatted with the podcast there was an American quarterback

who tried it as opposed to those British quarterbacks but he had scored a 25p back same as Harry Kane

had he hit the thing but he he fucking missed like he missed it it was so embarrassing

and I was like surely why is this live just edited cut cut cut it out like it's absolutely

I don't know I just kind of see why like you wouldn't just like send a group chat text us your pals even just put a

Facebook status you know what I mean it needs some kind of fucking theatrical prestige level fucking shade like why does it need to be well see because i've got i'm in a morally difficult position but i think like i wouldn't

have a gender reveal party but i would like to know what gender the child is before it was born just because i'd just like to know but if the child grew up to just go like if i had a daughter who's like at the age of 15, be like, Dad, fucking, I love you deeply, but you should have made me with a cock. You got this wrong.

I'll take it on the chin. I'd be like, all right, lad, all right, lad, let's fucking, let's get into.

I may be behind the times, but I think it's perfectly fine and normal. And I am going to definitely 100% do this, no matter what society tells me to just assume your child is cis until until they say otherwise

and I will just go along with the cis child until they make some kind of adult decision and the second they go

I'm not cis you go hey alright and you know what if I notice any child decisions like they're not decisions

if I notice any traits or anything I'll just lean towards it if we fucking boy wants to play with Barbie dolls And you know what Like if I notice Any child decisions Like they're not decisions If I notice any traits Or anything like that I'll just lean towards it If we fucking Boy wants to play With Barbie dolls You play with Barbie dolls

No Like if Your toys aren't Going to dictate Like this is what We force upon the children I agree with you But you'll admit

Whether a boy or girl If your kid goes near cricket You'll stop them Plays cricket? You'll stop them Yeah Regardless of gender You'll stop your child cricket? you'll stop them regardless of gender you'll stop your child

I'm going to have to take them to the sport play a sport that I'm going to enjoy why is the tool you use for the sport the same tool I use to beat all the dads

who are also at the sport because this is a Tony game what do you think someone accepts those sports then by cricket? for your kids? I would accept those sports then by cricket? For your kids? I would not accept my child playing cricket.

I would... And I mean that sincerely. Don't take this as a... I was going to say because I would say tongue in cheek if my kid wanted to play cricket

he'd knock yourself out with a cricket bat. Oh no, no, no. If my kid wanted to play cricket I'd knock him out with a cricket bat. That would be the

thing to do. You do not play cricket in Scotland unless you wear a Rangers shirt. I didn't think I'd ever put restrictions on their enjoyment and stuff. I just kind of wanted to figure out the world, different let society tell you which fucking bracket you belong in.

You just can't sort that out. And anything that sticks, really fucking throw yourself. Whatever you love if I see them fucking really killing it on the drums or whatever

I'm like right okay let's get you good at this this has got your passion killing it on the drums like Dave Grohl Dave Grohl's doing videos with like some

nine year old have you seen that lassie that the drummer that's like nine year old lassie that's fucking mint and she's like

she's got her tongue out like fucking killing it can you genuinely imagine how awkward it is as a

as a trans person to watch your own gender reveal video back like imagine your mum and

dad are like it's a boy and then for your 21st birthday they're like hey here's a video

from the day we knew what you were they're like it's a boy and then for your 21st birthday they're like hey here's a video from the day we knew where you were they're like it's a boy and you're just sat there full dressed being like fucking boy

did you waste 25 bucks on getting it wrong plot twist motherfucker got it wrong turns out I was

I was about to say the bad guy that's not the narrative I want to fill in there I think right I was about to say the bad guy. That's not the narrative I want to fill in there. I think... Right, I may be getting this wrong. But if I'm to assume, sis, there's a huge chance I'm going to be right.

Statistically, there's a huge chance I'm going to be right. But if you want to just go, right, I'm not going to gender you. I'm just going to carry on until you know for yourself. There's a huge chance you've got that wrong there is but what I will say Brad Scott who you know yeah his his son is my godson and but my godson was born a girl yeah and Harper yes yeah so he was born Harper He's now Charlie Oh, I didn't know Like I knew

I knew he was trans I didn't realise he'd changed his name Yes, so Harper was born Harper to Brad And was Female, 12 or 13 And then just at the age of 13 Well, I mean not just

Not in a spring of the moment Through his life Realised that he was born in not in a spring of the moment, through his life, realised that he was born in the wrong fucking body, had the courage to tell his dad, which we're both immensely fucking proud of, and he's just gone

through that now. And it's, you know, and Brad's dealt with it in the best way, which is essentially... Has it done too much damage to Charlie being raised

as a girl because society had assumed by a genital such as a girl? No had assumed by her genitals that she was a girl no Charlie's problem is that he lives in Indiana right which is very progressive what's the opposite of progressive

Indiana the opposite the literal opposite of progressive so my wonderful godson who is one of the most courageous, brave and kind people I've ever met is currently going through this shit

and again this is I'm wildly ignorant about trans issues hugely fucking so I know so fucking well to the point that I find it dangerous to talk about 100% it should be a conversation but it's a conversation you're scared of

but I'm scared of it because like I have this godson who I love fucking immensely right but I'm not going to pretend for a second I don't know what he's gone through

I don't know what he's going through and I don't know what he will go through so when I talk about him I am going to get shit wrong because no matter how much I

talk to him no matter how much he explains shit I'll never have his experience and what's what's so great about him

is because obviously he grows up in this fucking shitty fucking state that won't accept him it's because his dad's so accepting because we're all

so accepting and he's got this world which is beautiful to him where it's well I mean at least I hope it's fucking

inspiration for him and I've lost my point. Your point was? You find it awkward to talk about? No I find him disgusting that much. I'll assume all my kids are Apache helicopters. Man is that not the worst fucking banter. It's the worst fucking banter in the world. It's... What it is, is it's banter from somebody who understands 1% of something

and then they're like, so if you're... It's Piers Morgan. So wait, wait. So if Sam... Which one of the 600 genders do you... So if Sam Smith could be either, I could be a fucking penguin

Piers if you act like a fucking penguin walk into the fucking safe place leave your fucking kids right go in

and I'll feed you entire fish down your fucking gullet and you're not allowed to wash and I will make sure and I'll make sure

that every second of your day you're terrified of polar bears that's when you're allowed to identify as a fucking this idea like

aye it's always like a complete jump you're the next fucking it's about the gay marriage thing where we're marrying dogs

yes yes it's the exact same fucking argument that's coming right before we let the gays get married they're like

well if we let the gays get married where does it end and the answer was it ended we let the gays get married, they're like, well, if we let the gays get married, where does it end? And the answer was, it ended with the letting the gays get married. They've got the same thing with fucking trans issues. Well, if a man can identify as a woman, and a woman can identify as a man, where does it end? There. That's... Or they could be in between. But what...

But it ends with two girls sucking each other's cocks, get over it. Like, why does that bother you? Aye, stop! Stop searching that bit on Pornhub, you psycho! Why is your head in? Stop searching that bit of porn Have you psyched? Why is your head in some other adult's bedroom? Yes, yes, yes To a certain extent

Get involved in that shit when it starts Becoming non-consensual Or children Or something where society needs to get involved As long as society doesn't need to intervene Live your life live your goddamn life

live your goddamn life so Muggle Corps are generally real parties I don't want to I don't want to can of worms

no no no I think that was at least I hope it was I feel that was aye I mean Charlie please feel free

to text me and correct all of us about everything we got wrong. We are here to... That's what I think as well. It's not Charlie's job to educate us. It's kind of our job to educate ourselves.

That's why I was just talking about that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck that. Charlie's currently going through absolutely his show. I'm putting it on him. And only him. The whole world. Charlie, buddy boy

you know how much I love you teach me everything no no you're right it's not Charlie's but it's not Charlie's

job to teach me but I am the knowledge of that has got to come from the source because we can't have the knowledge of that come from

a passive place but I'm learning from Charlie like I'm learning through what in very in small, I'm learning through what, in very, in small increments, but learning through

what he's going through, it's making me more understanding. And it is something that I'm deeply ignorant on, which is why it's so uncomfortable to talk about sometimes. I'm ignorant so much

because I'm fucking 100% on one side of the scale on so many things. I amdano. Rwy'n 100% ar un ochr o'r sgail ar so amser. Rwy'n blwch iawn. Rwy'n 100% ddyn, rwy'n 100% yn gyffredin, rwy'n 100% yn gwael. Yn ymddangos... Ydych chi'n 100% gyffredin? Ydych chi'n 100% gyffredin? Rwy'n hoffi cocc.

Ydych chi'n dweud beth? Rwy'n hoffi gweld ei cocc. Rwy'n hoffi gweld ei cocc. Rwy'n hoffi gweld ei cocc. Dyma'r peth, iawn. I hate to see his cock. I mean, I've seen his cock. You hate to see his cock?

No, no, no, this is the thing, right? I would, but not out of anything sexual. What? I'd want to, like, Just for a laugh, you know? Well, not even a laugh,

just more like... You wouldn't kiss a bloke? There's no dedication to kissing. No, I would think it, like, probably, like, turn birds on. Just to get birds to let us off.

Probably just pay me a pound of flesh, you know. Charlie, Charlie, stop listening to this bit. Well, I would say, aye, I would be, like, Idris Elba's cock, right?

Yes, I would. If I was given the option to see his cock, aye, but it would be, I would have just been inquisitive. Man, I'd snog, I would have a

three week relationship with Idris Elba and I don't think I'd enjoy the sex but I'd enjoy the other 174 hours

I would friend zone Idris Elba I'd absolutely friend zone him even if I even if I even if I fuck mate

I'd just be like nah man Idris Elba I want to see other people and then just kind of even if I fucked even if I fucked mate I'd just be like nah mate I want to see other people and then just go and shag birds I love being

bird fight I don't know why it's so funny it's like when Bill Bars is brought sometimes it's just

I think it's because I just listen to everyday sexism as well now it's just got this new layer of how wrong I know

it is look and sexism is funny now it's just got this like new layer of how wrong I know it is aye look and sexism is funny for the wrong reasons anyway I just think like I 100% straight white bloke and that's like

that's the only lens I can see the world through so like I have to like read and watch and listen and like and educate myself

through other people's lens because I have got absolutely no fucking horse in the race for a lot of them lifestyles. But I believe that's... I think that's the right way to go about it, is to go, I'm going to try it. That's something I only learned later on in life, is suddenly going, you know how I think I'm right

and everyone else thinks I'm wrong? I might start trying to understand why they think I'm wrong. Yeah, because they're not just doing that to be awkward. They're not just doing it to be shy. They believe this too, so I should try my best. That's why I spent the whole Black Lives Matter movement chatting. People who, like me, were white blokes

that just couldn't see it from another point of view. I was like, oh, let's see what you've got to say also. Why are you so firm? Why are you not open-minded like me? Turns out I'm open-minded because I've fucking seen the world. I've travelled, I've met other people and I've started looking at the world through other people's lens. And when they've travelled, they've travelled either 50 miles

to bed at all aye and they've never read a fucking book that's from the point of view of a black woman or something they've never

they've never they've never seen life through a different lens the entire problem with the no sorry the entire problem I'll not fucking do

a black and white thing but a big problem with the American fucking South and the American general is the tactical lack of education

that has been enforced and it has been a tactical lack of education that Republican governments since 1967 have enforced keep them stupid

yes yes because we don't need chemtrails because the fucking very the chemtrails on the liquor store

extremely right wing governments understand they need to keep a populace stupid in order to win the fucking vote and that's yeah

yeah I found like I'm not saying a lot of the people I talked to were unintelligent because maybe they did have an education maybe they had a university degree I didn't have but a lot of the people

I spoke to were uncultured they hadn't looked outside of their own little fucking family unit and they were nice people and hadn't looked outside of their own little fucking family unit. And they were nice people and they were very protective of their own and quite tribal.

Matt, no, no, no, man. That was and still to some extent is me. Like, I'm not going to put that on other people. I still am. My way or the highway. Yeah, no, I have that deeply within myself my beliefs that I hold are so profoundly

to me that if someone else like these deeply fucking Christian these deeply fucking racist people that exist

as much as to you and me we're like how can you be like that it's just within them because of their in the same way that you and me

are the way we are it's because we were fortunate enough to be brought by liberal-ish parents. Yeah, that loved each other. That loved each other, healthy sort of things. All three of us, Colin. So, gender reveal parties. Muggle court.

It's absolutely muggle court, Ali. I mean, the fact that we're both fucking doubled it. Aye. And we'll, I think that's a good one because we're now on... And as well, there's that extra layer of Muggle Corner. Like, it's an American thing that English people are starting to do, like your Black Fridays and your Thanksgivings and stuff like that. Where you're just like, oh, man, that's a dip.

To every British person listening to this podcast, as a country, and to this podcast as a country and I say this as a Scottish person while we're still part of your fucking shite country we need to stop trying to embrace America because America hasn't been great for roughly

1967 is the exact year, well not the exact year but well, not the exact year, but the year that the Republican Party started going to Newt Gingrich. That's when it started accepting, for the first time ever in American history and democratic history,

they started accepting outside demagogues. I've read a very good book called, and I sound intelligent at any point, it's from a book Mark Nelson bought me called sound intelligent at any point it's from a book Mark Nelson bought me called Why Democracies Die it's a wonderful book

I read it within three days and it's fascinating so I recommend that and then you go and now my dad jokes no no even more

no no infinitely more exciting than that lad so much more exciting than that lad we get to plug gigs for the first time in god knows

and Cullen I know you're looking at your phone being like I don't have any gigs but Cullen you do because on Monday next fucking week

you and I are at the stand Newcastle along with Cullen 21st we're all doing that new material that's good

I'll take everyone tonight it's gone also it'll be Cullen will probably join 21st we're all doing that new material that's good new material night that was a good one tonight just gone also it'll be Cullen will probably join at the Newcastle stand the way this is working and this is literally

just between us podcast listeners between now and the foreseeable fucking future I will be trying to do gigs every Monday

at the Newcastle stand book in pay attention to the fucking website and I'm going to be on most of at the Newcastle stand book in pay attention to the fucking website and I'm going to be on most of them I've put most of them in and as will Ryan

because we live together and it'd be also I've got a you probably listen to this on a Thursday so that means you have got time if you're on

the Liverpool area to bag your tickets for hot water comedy which is on there's an early and late show like a seven and a nine o'clock show the lineup will be

sick as fuck 18th and 19th of September and on the 23rd and 23rd of September we are in North Allerton that's mean you come on the 24th

of September with the Nottingham Glee Birmingham Glee on the 25th and then on the 26th of Glee there's two shows

in a barn are you part of that as well? I think I am thank you yes Gracie and Bruce are coming to that aye

in Leeds in yes and then hold on and then Newcastle on the 28th and then Punch Drunk Comedy is coming back

on the 29th and 30th with Matt Reid Louise Young and Gavin Webster am I on that? no I'm a no because it's in my diary

is it? 29th and 30th do you want to do it? do you want to announce that now? yw ymgyrch Gavan Webster. Ydw i ar hynny? Nid. Ydw i yn gwneud hynny oherwydd mae hynny yn fy diarad. Ydy? 29 a 30, ydych chi eisiau ei wneud? Ydych chi eisiau cyhoeddi hynny nawr? 29 a 30? Ie. O beth? O September. 28, bydd Newcastle yn rhaid i mi hefyd. Ie? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rungyn gyda'r newydd? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth newydd? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywbeth? Ydych chi eisiau gwneud rhywb somebody's new stuff I go on then there'll be like 70 people sold out you can just every time of day just figure out new material I go on then it's probably on

so with Daniel Louise Young Matt Reid and Gav Webster Ryan man shows

yes basically just those two I was making one yesterday and it was cancelled it was cancelled it's so gutting man but bar that no

you're supposed to just follow me no but you've also clean a bit of your podcast yeah clean a bit of your podcast going well

so me and Gareth are always over there on that and we plug all our gigs into that too let's get on that because that's way more regular than this

so people can alright the clean a bit of your podcast and this is a perfect time to actually join in with the clean a bit of your podcast because if you are oblivious to

American football that is exactly the fucking point of the podcast. Gareth came in as someone that didn't know it last year and enjoyed the fucking season.

This season you're doing the same? I basically he's caught up like very quickly but we still try and experience it. They're basically

talking you through it. It's the fucking it's the baby steps in the NFL right? I basically tried baby steps in the NFL also but like also we try? I basically tried baby steps in the NFL. Also, but like also,

we try not to talk too much just about the NFL because there's so many brilliant podcasts that are all like analysis and all. We try to keep to like, what mental shit have we done? So even if you're not following NFL, it's still a great podcast. So clean oblivious.

And twice a week, I do a twitch stream where I knit I sit there knitting and talking shit and it's twitch.tv slash kymuggins and while I'm here

I'm sponsored by Lakeland CBD so if you go to lakelandcbd.co.uk we were just talking about them earlier use the discount code muggins20

and you'll get 20% off a bunch of selected items also for him my book, I mean, I guarantee upon saying this, my agent is going to message me within the next 14 hours complaining about this.

But the book is delayed because I need to rewrite it. And the reason I need to rewrite it is because there was one chapter on about how much I loved America. And my opinion on that has changed. So I'm rewriting the book. Is that legit? A hundred percent legit.

There's two other reasons, but that is 80% of the main reason. You know what it is, right? We fucking loved America when we were there. I really did. Because we were in the good bits. You know what I think? We were in the coasts. You know what it is we fucking loved America I really did because we were in the good bits you know what I think we were in the coasts

you know what I think and we were in the blue balls hold on I'm just going to write Pascoe's next book America is like

a really attractive girlfriend who's hard work and you're only going out with her because she's super hot and then eventually when you dump her

she goes but you had such a smell on your face when we were fucked. Yeah, because that was awesome. The rest of it sucked. Beautiful on the outside, but toxic and cancerous and abusive on the inside. So when we came and used and abused and made love to America, we had the best time. That's why I was so upset.

Because the fact that America's not going to exist in the next 10 years really upsets me because I just cracked America and I could have really done with well I mean we'll just tour there

until they die essentially the plan is to go over there divide the state of embarrassment alright Ryan yes

your dad changed his middle name To the Eugene McCullen Right well Kai your dad describes the wearer As like an American version of the bill Oh god Your dad describes the wire as like an American version of the bill Somebody who's just recently watched the wire

If you don't know the Americans it is terrible if you don't know The Wire, British people, it's like a way better version of The Bill. It's like a American version of The Bill. The Bill were using camera phones to record it before there was cameras and phones. It was the most shaky shit they tried to do. This room was just like cobblestones. I'm like, going. Yeah, I'll do it.

It was a soap. Wait, no. Because I, my granddad, my poor dead granddad, God rest his soul, loved The Bill. Because I know, my granddad, my poor dead granddad, God rest his soul, loved the bell and I really, really remember that fucking opening theme tune. Here we go, let's stick it on.

This is for my childhood. Can I do your next? Erm... Oh no. Hi. Fucking old school techno. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that.

I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and that. Fucking old school techno. I love them fucking shit though, like Casualty and Mad. Like that,

None of the Concerns, Soldier, Soldier. All of the American Circus. That's what it's like. Imagine dropping a pill to the belt. Right, that's enough Daniel your dad took his sleeping bag

to the vet because he thought it was a snake that he'd burst out of errr Kai your dad's ass is grass

and I'm gonna smoke it DMX for life baby Kai when your dad takes selfies it still looks like he's punching Colin your dad takes selfies it still looks like he's punching

Colin your dad doesn't approve of using cuss words so when your mum asked him to talk dirty he said he

wanted to frigger up the bottom of his wingle frigger up the bottom of his fucks Ryan your

dad calls his heart the inside clit and whenever he hears Jedward sing he calls it foreplay Fucking Jedward Daniel your dad's CV

is just an old drawing of the Flintstones Daniel your dad's been diagnosed with Parkinson's but his Fitbit says he's never been healthier Guy your dad's breath smells with Parkinson's, but his Fitbit says he's never been healthier. Kai, your dad's breath smells like your brother's tears. And I don't want to read into that. Kai, your granddad through the

generations, your dad, sorry, has passed down three things. Knowledge, possessions, and chlamydia. He passed it down. I won't. Kai, whenever the light bulbs go out in your dad's house he closes his eyes

to save energy Kai your dad brings back Dead Burst and press the cat trying to get some pussy trying to get some pussy. That gets a bit. Ban.

Hold on, hold on. Oh, we should have ended it there. That was, oh, we've got, yeah. I need to delete this bit. No, no. Just let me. I've always wanted, like, to have it exactly an hour long. But what, like, I want to add the intro.

You know, so when I put the intro on, then it's an hour. So, like, I can't just stop it on an hour. Like, it has to be. Anyway, I'll end it now.