Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Molotov Cochrane

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

Canadian boy John Hastings joins Muggins and Cream and recalls his visit to Blyth where his eyes were opened to some mysterious goings on involving a pair of local twins. Muggins remembers the time he watched a man use an incendiary grenade in close combat.

Oh hi, podcast listeners of the Sloss and Humphreys, Humphreys? I don't give a fuck. Sloss and Humphreys on the Road podcast. My name is John Hastings. I will be your guest on this week's Patreon special. Very good guest, very good show, much better than Adam Rose, who is a smelly butt boy. So don't listen to that smelly butt boy's podcast. Listen to this hot penis boys podcast. Penis boy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? That was going to be a good intro to that, John. Go with that voice again.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Creams and Shitface. It's the Road Time podcast with Kai and Danny. I don't die. Today, your two favorite road warriors are going to talk about petrol stations and Scandinavian AIDS. Now,

let's head to the weird shed on one of their property because one of them can afford property and the other one opens for that one. It's Daniel and Kai. I like creams and shit face.

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If we can rename the podcast. If we can baby and he was like you might as well just wear a shirt that says spunk mother exactly she was literally like there's one way to this is the worst way to describe a baby hey you're holding that big version of cum hey could someone give some milk to this big version of cum you know when a tadpole's grown legs and it's not quite a frog yet yeah that's what a baby is to Spim we were going through the old when I say the old pictures of Caelan I mean like the old scans he's six months old oh yeah but you've got to understand

you still have things in your fridge from when that photo was taken these are not ancient yeah but it's my perception of Caelan growing it's like he's no longer a newborn, but he's now a baby. And like all occasion they go, oh, you know, I miss the newborn stage. Because at the newborn stage they nap for five hours and you can just go play FIFA and like clean the house. And then he wakes up, gets fed and then sleeps for another four hours.

Whereas now he's got the concept of boredom, which is like how the fuck do you entertain a six month old? What do you have to be bored by? You know, you've not even seen. Yeah. He doesn't even understand time. You fuck. Yeah. Time is so long to a child. Cause like a day in our lives, it's like a small minuscule fraction of our lives to him. It's still quite a large chunk of his life is that one day. Like if you're four, like if someone's like, let's wait for an hour, that is a sizeable portion of your fucking life like i'm waiting for nothing do you think that is is that why you know the older you get the faster

life goes just because you're like well you know in two years i'll be 33 as opposed to you know back when i was seven in two years i'd be nine which is a third of my age it's terrifying but it's true it accelerates because it's proportional to your lifetime i it is but i also think that right now we're at a weird place to gauge because the last two years have been so fucking eventful like it's that thing of like what happened name something that happened in 2009 like stuff did but we were like i don't know i was on facebook it was fun yeah i think i did create my facebook account in 2009 because I was backstage at the stand and the only way to get gigs was to your Facebook and you're like, oh, no, what is this? I'm going to take a punt on what happened in 2009

based on what was topical in comedy when I was an open maker. I think Jade Goody died. Oh, I bet you you're right. I don't know who Jade Goody is because I only started engaging in British culture about a year and a half after I moved here. So she was like, just pretend it, laugh at a bunch of jokes. I know, like I knew who, like by the time I got around, she's the woman who got cancer who didn't like gay people on Big Brother or something.

Well, it was one of those times when before we knew that the media basically just crucified the working class and chavs because it sold papers and you know it's much easier to blame the state of society on the lowest as opposed to the rich that were hoarding all the money and there was a lot of working class people that were shitting on it too but like you're like you do she's just one of us right you know she's been let down by the education system that had us down also right now as an outsider to this land the idea that there is a point where everyone goes, well, the media started picking up. The British empire is built off of ignoring the work of the British. The industrial

empire, according to the higher-ups of the Victorian age, was a guy named Edward who just went, build a factory. No one died, nothing else happened. It's such a British move of like, yeah, you know, it's when they really started picking on these. They've always done that They've always been doing it

It had used to roll though Now it's just newspapers I think if you speak into the top Thank you Is that better? Yes Oh great thank you There we go we can edit that all out

We won't but we could It's an option that's available just to let people know it could be. It's almost as hard as doing something as saying you could do something. Yeah. Well, that's always the promise to yourself is like, you know, I'll do old therapy. And one of the big things I took away from that, I live in California, so I was, of course, a California therapist. A nice gentleman who grew up in the Jewish faith and is now definitely a Buddhist. A little religion tourist. Exactly correct. He doesn't want defined rules, but he wants a place to go sit and talk to a bald man.

Just go to Collins Road. Yeah. But there's got to be wisdom, and I don't think there's any. Mate, I think Ryan Cullen, if he gets a nice wispy beard, he could really impress some 18-year-olds with his wisdom. Always buy the train tickets before you get to the station. Wow.

Anyway, what he always said about making those promises, he goes, instead of making a promise to do it tomorrow, just take the smallest amount of action on that topic in the moment you think of it. Yeah. And it is a life changing piece of advice. Because instead of you being like, tomorrow, I'm going to write a novel. It's like, what are you actually worried about? It's like, oh, I don't think that this person is doing this one thing in my career.

Go just email that person. That's the actual problem. You don't want him to write a fucking novel. This podcast is just going to be us breaking away and deleting photos from my phone to free up some memory everyone's just watching we're just taking a small action on a thing that's been bothering for a while yeah i just uh text his wife we need to talk but it's about just what they're going to have for dinner tonight yeah you just need to talk more we need a kid i shouldn't have framed it like that it It looks ominous.

What therapy are you doing? Are you doing like CBT therapy, which is when they're like, where they're like, we'll unpick like how your brain talks to itself, which is the stuff I've been doing, which is okay. But the one I really want to do is the, so what was your childhood like so it mine was sort of before all of that mine was like holy shit like i met my therapist two days after my divorce yeah so it was there wasn't cb there wasn't like we need to address it was like it wasn't like oh there's flood damage it was like the dam is burst we're not here to fix we're here to help so it was like send you the therapy and yeah you went to the gp and they're like no get him in an ambulance yeah exactly i was at the

emergency room so it was a lot of it wasn't like your brain talking about this it was purely like hey you need to understand what is real and what is you dealing with a loss and then it went on with a bunch of other super tragic stuff continued to happen for about two years yeah so it was basically we didn't get to any of that was more like here's how you deal with trauma here good you're actually like solving and confronting it because i was working with a therapist as it was happening so i couldn't be like well i'm just not going to address that i'll just go jack off or whatever he'd be like well what happened with that person that died and it's like fair point let's and so it didn't have any sort of those things then he changed practice i and was going more deep into eastern mysticism and i was like i'm done oh no it's california guys you just got to lean into it like in the way that scotland everyone here is

more left wing than you're ever going to imagine like you'd see a guy and you're like this guy's got to be a tory and he's very into intersectionalism. California is like that with like mumbo jumbo bullshit. Like crystals. Exactly. Like you were talking to a high level attorney and he's like, oh shit, I got to run. I got to get my Reiki is in about 20 minutes. And you're like, ah, for fuck's sake, mate. And then I've got to go to church.

When your doctor's like, I'm sorry, I can't perform this open heart surgery right now because my dog has acupuncture and she gets anxiety when I'm not there. You're like, do not cut me open, you fucking moron. Yeah. But it's why I love LA is that the whole city works exactly the way it would work if a city of 5 million people had 4 million people in it that believed that their dog had the spirit of Amelia L Hart. You know, man, people drive pretty entitled. Yeah, man, they are carrying what they think is Tutankhamun as a cat. The whole, the homeless problem was too much for me last time. I was an LA man. It was like, okay.

First of all, you saw a guy get a Molotov cocktail thrown at him. Has that been covered on this? I don't know. It's been, it's been touched on. We need to discuss this in detail because you were in LA. It was so underwhelming for a man throwing a Molotov cocktail. Of course, it just rolled to his feet.

It was one of them things that just in real life... I mean, I guess a Molotov cocktail is meant to be used for... It's not a melee weapon. It's to go through a window. It's a melee weapon of your Scottish. What is that?

Are you saying melee like I Melee melee melee melee melee there we fucking go. Oh, no, cuz I've only this is another one of them words like cacophony Like a vehement that I've only read No, it's crazy I agree with your original pronunciation. Say the... Cacophony? Yeah, that's what it should be. It does look like cacophony. Epitome.

Epitome. I mean, I live in America. Americans just pronounce it epitome. Hyperbole. Yep, America. How do you think Americans say foyer? Foyer. Foyer.

Go fuck yourself. Oh, it's a glorious country. Truly free. Kai, you could be the president based on just your fact of how quick you are of wit and how you don't mind mispronouncing words. You could be president. That's not a compliment to you. Do you know how much better off the world would be if Kai Humphries was in charge? Hey, Cruz, you're being a cunt.

Yeah, man, sweep up that glass off your Molotov cocktail. You've made a mess. I think even if Guy were to sit in the White House and look at all the pictures of the previous presidents, you look at the passport and you're like, I am not in mostly esteemed company here. Yeah, oh yeah. Those are not out of place.

It's like, and I don't mean this to be an insult, but it will be. But it's like, you know, when you check the stand listings occasionally. And you're like, oh, this isn't the best of the best. Or when you get a four star from a 1.4 review and then you see who else got a four star. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're like, ah. I got to say, I have enjoyed this fridge for no other reason than there's been no broadsheets. So 1.4 review has become like a esteemed reviewer, and there's a part of me that's like, good on you, you little blog that you can't even fucking Google at this point, but someone finds it and put those stores on everyone's posters, so good for you. Jeff got a break. Yeah.

And have you read his reviews? He just tells you what happened in the show. Yeah. And how much he enjoyed it. Wait, is One For A Review just that one guy? It's show yeah wait is one for a review just that one guy it's just jeff it's just jeff why is it called just i would rather have four by the way four and a half stars suck my dick four and a half stars from just jeff.com why don't they just say nine out of ten it sounds weird but i'll give you nine out of ten that's what four and a half

stars is and you always yeah but i'm not we're but we're not opening this up to a score of ten. Five is fine. I'll give it a percentage. Do you understand people would be getting, I give it a 7.495 out of ten. Fuck yourself. You're like, you're not Rotten Tomatoes, and that's not how we're doing this.

We've got the star system, so that's there. Jeff has done it for years and years and years. He did my first review when I was 17, and I swear not he reviewed Red Raw like as in the beginner's night at the stand yeah like that's so he just so he's an open maker he comes in with the right attitude like Jeff is someone that loves comedy he's like I love comedy so much that I watch so much in it that i think i'm in a good place to compare others and tell you what's good about uh this particular set and why it's good which i think is fair as opposed to other reviewers where it's just like hey you're not good enough to be a real journalist because we read your past

couple of articles and they were stinky poo-poo mr Mr. Brian Logan. So is there any chance- I just would like to say as a comedian who may or may not have some of these reviewers coming to his show soon, I do not stand by the views of Daniel Sloss. And I think you guys- Well, this podcast goes out after the festival. I don't, I do not stand by the sentence I just said. Daniel Sloss is 100% correct.

Brian Logan, I'm not allowed to tell you to do anything to harm yourself online because that considers bullying. But all I will say is, listen to your internal monologue more. Some of those intrusive voices might be true. Are you ready for this? I've actually switched sides on it because I feel that we've gotten review bully hack as comedians. So I'm now switching back and going, everyone, clean slate post COVID, prove yourselves. That's what I say. It's how I'm approaching it.

And I got to tell you. These are people too. I didn't say they were people. I'm saying that they have a clean slate with me coming in past. I've had fair birds land on me now, boys. I'm calm. And also I've learned not to say my views into microphones.

You know what I'm saying? Man's got to put her for a therapist. I've certainly learned in the past three months of podcasts, going back and listening to them, I'm just going, Daniel, you should probably be less honest on these. I know you don't think you're burning bridges, but having listened to a bunch of episodes.

You've burned bridges that are far behind you. It's not like you've just crossed a bridge and burnt it. No, yeah. I make sure that I'm still like anyone that fucked me over 10, 15 years ago. I still hold their names. I've got literally I've got a list of my. Oh, I used to be like this, too. And I got to tell you, fucking dearly departed and good boy.

Paul Byrne was like, so you're letting all these cunts just live rent free in your head and it was like it was by the way when you're getting scolded by a man who's just told you about his bleeding asshole but he is in the affirmative you're like but he does it in the same way Fritz and let his daughters live rent free in the basement like it's not good for them

it's not good for them yeah that is true actually yeah it does seem like you're like in the middle of their sleep you're just turning all the lights on. Time to get up! Oh, man. I think it's healthy to have a little bit of hate in your head that is fuel for the rest of your career. Because I do agree with the sentiment that the best form of revenge is success.

That nothing will drive you to success more than if you're like if i can just get so far above this person that by spitting on them it doesn't even reach them that's the that's that's the epitome of success but what's the uh yeah yeah you're definitely in the foyer of uh of the next level what i do think though is Yeah, you're definitely in the foyer of the next level. What I do think, though, is sometimes, and this is especially true in stand-up comedy, is people forget to keep that anger hot and spicy,

and they let it cool, and then it becomes a soup of bitterness on their... And you can just... A bit of spots of mold on it. Oh, my God, yeah. Like, you just... That needed to go in the freezer, dude. Oh, yeah. Just let that...

You've left that out. Yeah. It's gone off. You've left your hate on the fucking kitchen table. It's now... It's everywhere. It's getting Salmon Elvis bugs going on it.

I am definitely... You're going to get ants. But it's the thing I really noticed moving. So I used to live in England and then I moved to America. And the biggest thing I've noticed... One of the big things I noticed is

because there's way less money in stand-up stand-ups are happier because they're trying more things because they figure out quickly what are you going to fucking do? I can't come back to this laundromat with six people? Great, fuck you, I'm doing

weird shit. Well, in the UK, it's changing now but there was such a fucking ring of steel on that circuit that once you got on it you need to fucking stay and so many guys get your five get a 10 get your 20 boom lock it in 20 years yeah and just fucking do it and the problem is is that like they couldn't sort of see like well how did this person who didn't do like super well with me on this gig that i was told was really important how are they on itv7 doing piss boys the panel show yeah and it's because i mean it was so i mean i want to pitch the panel shows that live in my head piss boys it's different celebrities it's just it's different celebrities piss and comedians have to sip it john barrymore you know

i can taste the chlorine it's a british reference he drowned in a pool you mean michael barrymore michael who's john barrymore i think you're getting confused with uh john no john barrymore is whoever robert de niro looks like in the pink robe and casino which i fell asleep watching last night by the way, do not fall asleep watching casino. He's just, just wake up to Sharon stone and Joe Pesci fucking. Oh,

you're like, am I having a fever? My favorite dream. Finally for real here on television, I manifested it. It's here. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Just, they're so sweaty and she's so much taller but that but that being said i think that people get do not necessarily have your approach to anger where it sort of is a fire but it's more kind of this thing that they kind of hold like a cold cup of tea yeah you're like you don't want that anymore no no no i need it to remind me of what i was before like this the stand is not like the stand institution is not this. I've encountered a lot of these people because the stand is very magnanimous

and keeps working them. And some of the people like, they're like, let me fucking tell you, he's a fucking cunt. And then they mentioned like a London open spot. And it's like, why? He's like, he came here and just talked about living in London.

And it's like, they're allowed to talk about where they're from, you psycho. There are like, there are comed're allowed to talk about where they're from, you psycho. Yeah. There are, like, there are comedians, we talk about this, we'll not name any of them, but there was a fun game.

Can we name them and then Matthew just bleeps them out? Oh, no, put in Elliot Steele. We've put Elliot Steele's name in. So hold on, just for the edit,

Elliot Steele. Let's all get an Elliot Steele in. Elliot Steele. Elliot Steele. I, we used to play a game which was, if you could just treat Elliot Steele Elliot Steele I we used to play a game which was if you

could just treat comedy like an office job where you're coming in and you've been brought into comedy and you've just

corporate said from the top you've got to get people out of the business like there's too we've got too much staff and you're going to have to lay off some people

who've been in the industry for a while. But realistically, there's not much of a future they are like Elliot steel desk. Elliot steel. Thanks for your time to go. Oh my god, who's there were like a collection of those like they were all just fat junglers guy. This is gonna get edited out. Elliot steel on the cloud. You guys ever work with that guy? Yeah. Oh my god. He is you'll not get the name but people who know this story will know is he once turned to someone and said oh i can never take my kids to the beach because every time i did i would just think about swimming out really far and then swimming away from my family and never

coming back and that is one of the most murder suicide suicide, ramp up sentences I've ever heard in my entire fucking life. I can't go to the beach because it's too easy to run away from my family. Also, that wasn't the honesty we were talking about that you need in your set. When we were like, dig deep down into your heart, you didn't hit oil, you hit magma.

And it's- You know, this oil, you hit magma. And it's it's it's I know, this guy had to he always had to check a bag because of his one prop for his act. And instead of just writing another 32nd bit, he check a bag. Oh, God. I know a comedian who is gig got cancelled, right? And he just looked at his wife and his family and he didn't mention the gig got cancelled. And he went to the car park and read a book. And he spent seven hours out the house reading a book in fucking Aldi car park.

It was Elliot Steele. Elliot Steele, yeah, right. Oh, my God. That story haunts my fucking dreams. Well, I've mentioned. Never. If I am looking at my wife and me, I'd rather sit in an Al. Not a waitress car park.

Go fucking somewhere nice. Get the good sparkling water, you cunt. I believe that he's moved on now and he's very happy. Yeah, you'd fucking hope so. I've definitely said it on the podcast before, but I'll never understand comedians who are with Partners that Don't come and see them live And sort of don't you have to embrace and live The comedy life but like you Know so there was John guys for years who were like my

Wife's not seen me in 15 years and you're like well One you haven't changed your set in that long so That's why they're also always so Sweaty and weird like they're always like Yeah my wife doesn't come and then you smell them and you're Like mate you smell like, like piss and shit. Like, the piss of shit.

Well, there is also the... Elliot Steele. Yeah, right. Because he was very funny. Canadian guy, isn't he? Oh, that guy with all the lighters. I never met him, so... And he would, like,

juggle bowling balls over someone on the ground. So there's these interesting waves of Canadians. But he stunk. This is the thing. More ways than one, so whatever. He got someone up to do the hands through the jacket leg

where he was being the hands and doing stuff. And they were just meant to be there as a participant. And the girl started crying because he stunk. That's very funny, though. He's an interesting one. So there are waves of Canadians. I still feel like you're not going to edit out all of those names and we're going to get in such trouble you know what it is i mean he's going to edit out

the names but we've put enough stuff about them that they're going to go that's me what it is is i don't care about if like the person because no personal if you don't have the name no person's going to be like i know that was me because then it's like no it wasn't prove it yeah yeah yeah but so that guy is a canadian there are enough enough Canadians. You'll never know in that there is a, like there's waves of them and that it'll go like, like it's all starts with Phil nickel as everything does. Phil nickel is the first one. His wave would have been like Tom stayed Glen wall,

make Walmart like after him. But like Phil, Phil came over with Corky and the juice pigs. And then like he brought over Wilmot and then like they heard it was good. And then it was like stayed Collinsins craig campbell craig campbell some gentleman who believe the earth is flat or whatever the fuck um and then sort of then that like held for and then you get like the wolves the johansson also did glenn come after yeah like glenn like it's they're like a next generation right right and then and then there would have been you and Bobby Mayer.

So Bobby Mayer and Dana were the two years preceding me. Uh-huh. Meyerhog. And then Meyerhog was six months before me. Me, a guy named Nick Beaton, Brian O'Gorman. There were like 15 Canadians when I first moved over. And I remember clubs got so frustrated. They'd be like, we can't't have we have too many canadians

on our books call us in two years which was such a like what all right can i just can i just put on an american accent yeah like because i know most of you don't know the difference yeah i'm also like i'm not from that part of canada like i'm literally from a the distance between canada and the uk from that part of canada but whatever it's just weirdness but yeah that's the weird thing and then that guy was kind of in the like you get them the scrubs that's a word but like the guys that are like kind of fucking sketchy here about england and like well that's not here so let's go like so you get your elliot steel example of that if he's over here because he burnt every bridge in canada and he was like ah new bridges yeah it's it's like set them in fire in front of them exactly it's uh and I will say apart from Louis Zezerun in uh

in Estonia who's a really really great booker and promoter and guy it's the same thing whenever you hear an Australian comedian in any country that's not the UK or... Like over in Japan or something. Yeah, over in Japan, over in Asia or Europe. If there's an Australian there, you're like, oh, you did Crimes Back Home. Here's the one that always scares me. An American in mainland Europe? Fucking run.

Oh, I do comedy in Lithuania. And you probably did sex crimes in Louisiana. Absolutely. There's always a mistrust for a mistrust for complete displacement. Because it's completely a displacement. Like you have went,

all right, done fucked up, do over. Yeah. Australians, other places is also, it's always, like it's never, I would always say it's usually a misdemeanor. You know what I mean? It's identity theft. Like something where you're like, yeah, you're a fucking cunt.

Manslaughter. Manslaughter. American? Because that's an American in show business that's not, that could just be an American show business. Yeah, because that which forgives everything. Like, oh, right, so you drunkenly killed a bunch of kids while you were driving around.

That's okay. Fine. You don't get to do movies anymore, but here's a talk show. What is so fascinating about America is that they are so nakedly capitalistic. Like, there is a certain comedian who's playing some of the clubs in L.A. Elliot Steele. Yeah. oh man and it's so funny because you just and i sort of see like this is so fucking horrible but it's like the bookers when they're like yeah we know he's a piece of shit but like

he covid recovery cash and there's something about an american being like i like money though and you're like, the honesty in that is shocking. Yeah, it's the only honest thing about you. He messaged me on Instagram on our last American tour because I follow him because I was enjoying the downfall. And he was just like, hey, buddy, how are you? I'm like, oh, no. Oh, I can't care.

That's not. Like, just have to like we're not friends i'm good man i gotta tell you i i have to say that guy was just such an unnecessary. Like, just a fucking entitled ass and when it fell, the entire city of La... Ha ha ha ha ha! Yay!

Yay! And it's so funny watching Elliot Steele come back because I think they thought it would be boop boop boop boop

and like... Yeah. But it was that but with a rape whistle. Yeah. But it's even like, they're like, if four wall the club you can have you can come and play the club but and it's like this weird sort of thing of like go ahead man it's just so it's also he's another one and i don't mean to shit on people uh that are sober but if you're a sober comedian and the reason you're

sober is because you've always been sober as opposed to having a problem with it and then becoming sober because you're dealing with a problem if you've always been sober I'm just like it's sober but still going out for a dance after the game

Kai just hit the fucking sentence perfectly if you are sober but you like exactly like let's hit up a club what no you didn't like yeah also i'm 37 i think kai you're slightly older than me daniel's ludicrously younger than me with each passing minute i less and less want to be anywhere that isn't my home like by the time i'm 40 i assume i will have found a fritzl and build the bunker i don't give a fuck like i'm not leaving so the bunker's not for my family or my own kids it's for me it's me yeah i'm so i sell fritzl what by the way speaking of references to in stand-up that were like obnoxiously uh fat like when i moved over in 2012 everyone had a reference to Fritzl

that was already a five year old reference it was so weird well there was just a time I think it was during the mock the week when mock the week was the mock the week has only been cancelled just like now still the mock the week time

yeah but it stopped being it stopped being... But in that Frankie's time. It stopped being Mock the Week like seven years ago. It was a thing where if you were on Mock the Week, similar to Live at the Apollo, is it could make your career overnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give you the boost. And it stopped being that several years ago. So there was this period of time where everyone was just been like, okay, we'll make sure that you sort of keep up to date with current events, do some political stuff because that's what. Everyone was trying to have topical lanes in the set because they wanted to be on that. Yeah.

And also the comedians at the time. Well, I mean, at the time, Frankie was the best in the UK and that was, you know, you can always see the lower stages of comedy sort of occasionally emulating the top. Oh my God.

They're like, if you've, if you've furrowed this ground towards this goal that I want to, I'm not going to tread my own path there. I'm going to go through exactly what you did. Can we do something really mean? Who's the comedian you notice the most ripped off? I have a list in my head,

but what the main one, when I started, it was Stuart Lee by miles by a stewardly it's still and still you still occasionally seem and stewardly you know see in america which is interesting you see people doing the like soft pause and like long bit they're doing a five yeah exactly five minutes to get the punchline yeah oh uh i think uh frankie was definitely ripped off you see a lot of i mean in scotland you see heaps of Billy Connolly and you also see heaps

of Kevin Bridges Bridges is a really common trope in you can see why like especially with Glaswegian comics because that's how

they talk that's their voice but they're just like it doesn't sound like an original voice anymore and what's interesting about Bridges is I always think

where you can actually usually tell when someone and it's usually unknowing for example when you watch tina turner you'll immediately be like oh i know who mick jagger likes like you just see it

right away you're like oh i get it now uh it's that thing of them not knowing it with bridges you can always tell because people use their arms the way he does you know how he fucking has like lying like long lanky arms and then he'll just like raise them up for a point that's the one where i'm always like you fucking like Kevin bridges too much mate The other one I see a lot is Carl Donnelly in London. You'll see people Yeah, and that's not even used That's usually like for when people have gone from fives to tens because he's just sort of around London clubs all the time You can just see people suddenly like cocking a hip

Doing a lot of like flowery hand movements and like a little bit longer of a bit but very like hipster it's very interesting there was a spell around about 2010 to 2013 ish that era right where everyone would lunge and i think it was russell kane's fault i think russell kane's original original lunge and then you just see like open spot comics just doing fucking pilates well't think there's a certain avalon style of comedian in that period of time where everything was genuinely genuinely the nicest crumpet i've ever had genuinely the fastest car what is well i mean i'm also i i don't think you are not very much part of that with your t- noticing shit yeah i was uh always like uh

there was the trope of why is my hand doing this like you'd do a fucking act out and then i don't know why my hand's doing this yes you did i saw you do it at the club yesterday so it's just that's the hardest bit of the this part of the fringe is the ad libs that you did at the beginning and making them look like they're still ad libs now i've just stopped it's so freeing is i now just i now go uh all right here's some stuff i've noticed every day spontaneously and what i enjoy about it as the fringe has been boiled down thanks to garbage strikes train strikes and the british economy economy doing a greece 2008 yeah uh is that they're all very comedy savvy if you guys notice

this like usually at this point it's like stag news and people with dogs and it said it's like a lot of like I'd like to see the performance of this fun company show. Yes, but what's the Message of the show the message of the show is give me your money next year Enjoy this so much that you come back next year That's just the message of this show is don't get on a bicycle with limited handlebar strength. That's what you'll take away from my show. I know you broke your shoulder.

Certainly right, Kai. Could have used you then, mate. We'd like to get back to the points that we forgot to make in this podcast. At Molotov Cocktail, we're still very far away from that. Let's get back to this story. Okay, so you're in.

I'm in the car. Chris Martin from Coldplay is driving. That's right. You're on Hollywood Boulevard. I'm on Hollywood Boulevard. And he was taking me to get some trainers. I was drunk. Actually, we'd done the podcast with Christia.

And we drank a shit ton of whiskey on like a three-hour record. And then I was like, oh, fuck. I've got to go and play soccer with Chris. Oh, that felt fucking funny. It felt awful. You know what? Chris also loves a midday

Chris is like an 11 year old at a birthday party where he just wants an activity. Like let's yeah let's go play football at 2pm on a Thursday. Absolutely not. But I went absolutely yes.

And we're going to get a new footwear for it. Turns out I don't travel with football boots. Which is fair. And he's to go to the footwear for it because it turns out I don't travel with football boots. Which is fair. And he's taken us to the shop and I just look and I see a man

lighting his fucking bottle with an oily rag hanging at the top of it. Yeah, maybe. And then just fucking launch it at his mate. That looked like they could be mates. Yeah.

Don't be mad at that guy. He's you. Yeah. Well, to be fair, you can't, well, unless you're in like a Ukrainian movement, I don't think you can just throw a maltov cocktail at a stranger. Like that's probably...

Well, that's what I was saying about it's not like a weapon that you would use in a fight. It's a weapon that you'd use on a building or a car or something. But the guy just like moved out of the way as if the bottle was getting thrown at him unlit and it kind of like just spread into a gulf of flames on the

floor and like the man who it was thrown at like started patting it out with his foot like he didn't even need to do that he was doing admin like that's just very that's like walking with you it's like walking along with your friend who's ate a bag of crisps and then they just drop the bag of crisps.

And you're like, fucking come on, mate. We don't do that here. I live in LA. I've lived in LA too long because the problem, I remember this story being shocking to me. And now I'm just like, well, you were on Hollywood Boulevard in the daytime. What did you expect? Yeah, mate.

Yeah, it's their street too. And sometimes someone's being a dick and you need to send a message and words don't work And the And the price of grenades Have gone up The price of petrol I don't know

Posh cunts Yeah I So I live in LA And LA has a Homelessness problem That has a heft to it

Like it's It's gotten to the point now The There's a There's a mayor's race And it's literally Two different people And the only thing

They're talking about Is What are you going to do about the hundred thousand homeless people that are just in la are you going to put them in all those houses you just built god no no no homelessness like edinburgh does pigeons exactly but it's even so so how it happened was ronald reagan he of being a cunt was the governor in the 60s. To balance the budget brilliantly, he canceled social services for when he'd be gone. So it only would happen. So we'll fund this until the 80, until 80. And then no shelters, no nothing, no social workers.

Go fuck yourself. So that happened. And then he, conspiracy theorists are like, well, this was on purpose, but at the same time, they remove all social services from LA crack hits. So for 10 years, they basically just had a epidemic of extreme drug addiction that then created so much mental ill,

where are your parents? They're both on crack and I'm six. Okay. And like, they've all got sunstroke too. That's good. You're there outside,stroke too that's good you're they're outside baby it's so nice they're all just screaming at the air like because also every city in america la is the like the end of the road of the like the so seattle and la have a

shitload of serial killers i used to have a lot of serial killers because they're the end of the road of two highways so if you're just on the run in America, you're going to get to LA or Seattle. So cities put their homeless people on buses and just send them to LA. So in COVID, they were like 20,000 homeless people arriving every like two months because cities were just dumping them out. Fuck you, we don't need them.

And now like LA is like, okay, cool. We have a homeless army that if someone figures out how to lead, we're all going to die. Man, if they mobilize you, fuck them. Holy shit. They have a homeless army that if someone figures out how to lead, we're all going to die. Man, if they mobilize you, fuck them. Holy shit. They have a city. Like, Skid Row is... All it takes is one Edgar Friendly.

You get that reference? Oh my God, from Demolition Man? Fuck yeah, bro! How have you not seen Demolition Man? I have. You're very, very high. I watched it with Jimmy McGee in Australia. I just don't remember the name. Oh, mate, it's very very high yeah i watched it with uh jimmy mcgay and i just don't remember the oh mate it's it's very good it's like if you were to tell me the lead character

from minority report i'd go so same in phoenix is that her whistle when i talk now that's i'm the old pervert from family guy it is so crazy that show got away with just having a pedophile on for years yeah so what's that old guy doing well he's trying to fuck the kids it's 8 p.m on a sunday how are we getting away with this fuck guys um can i just have a dream he talks about the australia trip the three of you had like with this like lovely little glint in his eye because then he toured with me and i am very I am way more business than creamy and shithead.

You know what I'm saying? He's like, we were doing Southern... How did he just get creamy and creams? All right, fine. Shithead and shithead. Cob hair and shit face. You know what I'm saying? How about golden boy and dick breath?

Yeah, all good. But it's so funny of just like the different types of how we act on the road. Like I'm a like, let's get stoned after the show, watch a movie and go to bed. And I feel like you guys are in a phase of your life where like, let's smoke opium and then go to an orgy. No, no.

The Adelaide trip was, when we all got there, it started off with the itty bitty schnitty committee, which was whenever we'd go to the venue uh we'd get free schnitzels but we couldn't have them every night because obviously we just become big fat cunts so every friday and saturday i think was the itty bitty schnitty committee we would go in um and then we'd inevitably go out drinking after the show and the adelaide festival was really great because you can stay outside in the artist's garden until like 2am and it's still hot and warm and nice and we would smoke heaps of weed

with the Pax vaporiser at the time which felt like the new Shots of Jim Beam Yeah and then we'd get back and because we were we were like let's go to like an old

like second hand shop we got an old Playstation 2 and we just bought the only game that was available was like Tiger Woods PGA Cup 2002. So good. So we'd come back and play that for hours. But because it was such an old PlayStation,

the loading screens would take anywhere between five and seven minutes. So we'd play a full round and then we'd go outside for a cigarette. A minty. Because we'd all be smoking fucking menthol cigarettes. There was a, because like not a casino. Why be smoking fucking menthol cigarettes. There was a, because, like, not a casino liquor.

Why were you smoking menthols? Because, because I could only smoke menthols because I don't, I don't like the taste of real cigarettes. Cheeky little minty. Mate, it's so fucking embarrassing

being your friend. It's like, it's like discovering that Batman's been crying under that cowl for years. Just stop committing the crimes I miss my mummy and daddy. Can't drink beer. Oh, I'll have a gin and tonic.

We were having heaps of gin and tonic. Mate, you party like a host of loose women. And I was like... Because you were keeping fit as well We were going to the gym Every day That's what you have to Because every performer is like jacked You talk to like

Every woman's wearing essentially like Dental floss It's just come from eight yoga classes And you're like I just had some carbs I'll go kill myself Yeah And also like the fact that it's hot

Means like You can't just cover it up With a hoodie or a jacket and it was it was only 20 it was 20 minutes each night so it was the least i've done that i've never done that i've never done adelaide single and then part of me is like that is a regret i feel like i could really well so that's why the jimmy was single then you were with natalie i was single and. You were with Natalie. I was single. And it was just, it was the golden age of Tinder. Oh, my God. That was the first time I'd ever used Tinder. We couldn't believe Tinder.

Because we were seeing it firsthand. Like, me and Jimmy were watching it through him. Going, what the fuck is this app? I remember you. It was like he was ordering girls to the flat. Like a fucking Uber Eats. But no one talks about it. But Tinder was another sexual revolution

i was i was in my 20s sans tinder and it was awkward and would you care to see a penis no well that makes sense they're horrific like like that was what it was and then tinder and then everyone just realized like oh no everyone would like to fuck yeah that's yeah fuck and you had well because my first i remember my first tinder date was in adelaide and like we've just been messing this girl for like two or three days making sure we like each other and there's chat there and she was like yeah i'll meet you in town for a drink and we met at the adelaide gardens we had like two or three drinks and like this was at the stage of my life where i was just you know you never wanted never wanted to just be like, okay, should we go fuck now?

I was just like, should we go for another drink? Do you want to get something to eat? Should we have another date in like two days? So that, you know, we can do it. And she was like, no, we should just go back to yours and fuck. And I was like, .

Cut this out. Yeah, edit that out. Nothing could be more wrong. Okay. I thought that was a bit. Okay, but keep this part in. For those of you, you don't know this, but a bit just took place that was a misunderstanding

and it was the most glorious because it was two people. One person knew the mistake and the other person didn't, but entered it with such confidence. No, you got Two stories mixed up Seven years apart Oh really Oh wow Never mind

After the podcast I would like to hear The other story Yes I But my thing with her So she was like Do you want to go back We should just go back

To years and fuck And I was like Oh my god And we did And it was great And then I remember The next morning Me being like to her can i have your

number and she just went why yeah i was like so we could see each other again she's like no thank you like maybe you know i might call you in like two or three weeks but i'll just get you on tinder let's not let's not pretend this is anything more than it is and it was just like yeah mind boggled. It's the best. Yeah. But again, it's the best,

but you have to remember. And so many comedians forget this. You do it a bit. It's a fun thing to live. So you can go, yeah, I had that period of time. So when people are like,

we're going to go out and get fucking nuts, you can be like, been there. I'm now going to go home and get book. You know what I mean? And I do love those seeing people like this i'm this has been recording during and i've seen some people that are still culling and it is yeah it's beautiful like just wanting to be that like you know like just like that kind of guy and it's just like

yeah it's just not doesn't work it doesn't look the same on you that it used to, did it? Well, yeah. I don't know if the generation or the fringe of people going out to just, it's not just doing the shows, it's going out partying, it's doing heaps of coke, it's shagging around because it's the fringe. I don't know if that stopped existing. That's only what you guys ever did.

Was it just us? I did no drugs. I did a lot of drugs. I did no powders at this festival. Really? I've had one line this entire festival. That is, mate, there are dealers in this town that are, their fucking, their quarter is affected.

If you're taking this month off, I don't want to be rude about certain, speak out of school, but let's just say. oh, we can't. One way to describe how you guys used to behave is you were building up some pools in Columbia. Well, I mean, we had a friend of ours who deals drugs, who came up literally to be like, right. I know. Thanks to you, too. I can probably easily make five to six grand this month.

Just point me in the right direction. And we did, and we ruined so many people's festivals. Not just the festivals, the families. They couldn't do what we did, which is stay up to 7 a.m., wake up, fucking eat a sandwich, and then do a line before you go on stage and still get away with it.

There were people that, people that tried to bang and they exploded. Yeah. I also don't understand why people tried. Here's what I did. I don't want to do it. I'll talk to them.

That's fun. Yeah. Time for bed. What the fuck? I don't want, oh, no, it's a great time.

Seven in the morning the other way. No, it's not. It's awful. Every, every time you have that weird film on your skin,

you know what I'm talking about? You feel sticky, but you're not. That moment when you're like, the house just looked like an empty cigarette packet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The birds are singing. Oh, exactly. Because in your stupid fucking head,

you're like, one more cigarette, we'll get the chat going, we'll rev this back up, we're getting it back going again. You find a couple of buds and just start putting it into the skin. Oh, man! We're getting it back on again. You find a couple of buds and just start putting it into the skin. Getting a toothbrush and going through your grinder to just get the THC bits, the crystals out there.

And then going through your drawer, like the old drawer I had, which we kept all the fucking weed stuff, tobacco in, but also stupidly kept our incense in. So when you ran out of weed you were just scraping the bottle to get enough for a little fucking joint and you're like this feels like just smoking a candle at this point i um speaking of jakeys who's jakey jakey you know what jakey means no i guess it's a it's the like glaswegian or scian or Scottish term for junkie and Ned,

just like a fucking... Oh! Like a fucking Jake ball. It's a step fucking close out of the street from Chav or Ned. Interesting. And did you take Jakey's to late in life last night? I love that little cunt of me. Like, you met that Jack, I didn't know his second name, I wish I did.

He looks a bit like my man of the house photo you know the glasses ginger lad but he's got a full mullet and he's is he a comedian he's pretty funny and i'll i saw him on it where's he from so i saw him on a red royce from glasgow oh and i went and so i'd seen him at red raw and he smashed it and um i mean i haven't seen him in another gig so you might have got lucky but he seemed like he was funny i like this this shit, right? He's just this little fucking weasel of a lad. I didn't think you'd mind us saying that. Oh, now we'll find out. I went into the Globe on Nidry Street to watch the Newcastle match.

I was meeting Mark Nelson there. And he was just there shouting at the telly, supporting whoever was playing Rangers. So I ended up having a pint with him and his pal and Cullen turned up and he was like oh I've got a couple of gigs

I'm going to late and live and I just these young open spots I was like have you been late and live before they were like nah this is the other side of the curtain for them

they're just open mic as they haven't fucking conceived of going to late and live and I was like fuck it let's take this to late and live take this to Loftball and that

so to do that we went to Cullen's or that gig and watched him do comedy for hot people oh yeah you must have thought he was somebody else

in the group and then we went is that a strict gig like is there a no the audience is hot the acts are there to make the audience look attractive

but that's what I mean like is the doorman strict well me and Jack got in. So no. Me and Lad have just described as a weasel with a mullet. You could have just said weasel. We assumed mullet.

He's a funny little fuck I've had. He had me in bits all night. And we're going backstage at Late and Live. And I'm just joking on, if anybody doesn't turn up, Jack will get up and all that, right? And he's just like, he's rising to the occasion,

he's acting the big man, but the room was quite crowded and a lot of people, I didn't know some of the people back there, and I was like, oh, shall we go get a beer and Katie was just like,

just grab a beer out of the box, so grab a beer out of the box, and then when Jack was getting a bit loud and I was like, fuck it, I'm going to ditch these in Lough Bar, I'll come back and watch Cullen

and then we'll go, and I'm in Lough Bar I'll come back and watch Colin and then we'll go right and I'm in Lough Bar having a smoke with him and Katie comes running out going have you stole all the beers to these lads

and they went nah and I fucking patted them dude right I patted them dude I went in their bag and I fucking

had their bags empty and all that and it didn't look like they'd stole the beers but I come back and everyone was all like fucking them little cunts nicked the beers

I'm kind of re-appreciated when I was like I brought a fucking you know make or any fucking rob the joint that's so fucking funny where

where did they had they stolen the beers Colin reckons he saw them putting them up their jackets but fuck how part of them doing man like I

you know what fucking those loads of people backstage them beers didn't go on for and I got into the kit I was like fucking you know what like I'll eh I'll go into the supermarket go on for and I got into the kit I was like fucking you know what I'll go into the supermarket

and I'll buy some more beers if you want she was like oh no it's alright we'll get them for now anyway she styled the dude Cullen had a proper

huff with us he wouldn't get a taxi back with us because the lad nicked the beers and I'm in the taxi back on my own and he's going

in a group chat and I'll go look at the fucking dickhead you're so disrespectful bringing them little cunts back at late in life and I was like scratching my head I was fucking dickhead you're so disrespectful bringing them little cunts back at late and live

and I was like scratching my head I was like wait a minute was that not your first late and live I've been on there for fucking nearly

two decades you cunt late and live's had way harder things happen than a chav nick a beer yeah it's funny

so I got booed well booed off slash walked off of late and live this year I don't know if you guys heard this story

but it's basically late and live was your gig for a bit as well it was for five or six years. It was funny. It felt like a close of the circle. And Katie wasn't there, but Dean was.

And everyone was like, are you all right? And I was like, yeah, it's fine. I just played it wrong. It was one of the things. Are you okay? And I was like, man, I've fallen before. I know I can do well at this gig. I did it for five years.

I'm fine. But what it was was three roided up dicks. So you know that steroids are the number one drug in the world right now? Really? It is more popular than heroin. It's more popular than anything. Everyone's on steroids. And this is a real fucking factor for our jobs.

And I have seen the iceberg that will claim all of our Titanic's. And it was just three fucking roided up fucking scottish guys that were fucking dicks tried to fight a guy in the audience i want to fuck off and then they were just one of them kept yelling next but i wasn't bombing so it's just awkward and weird i shouldn't have i called for security and just told me get the fuck out because fuck you you fucking bully dicks i know what you're gonna do yeah and then there was a either i this i don't know what happened but it just took them forever and that no one came and just got them they just started negotiating with them

i can't move on then the audience is starting to turn on me because it's looking like can't get them out so i was like what the fuck i just said something trying to like just pivot away to keep going and three drunk women started yelling and i just went i've done this enough i'm not fucking winning it back see you later bye yeah and also i don't want any of you cunts in my show like this is i do this because it's fun i know that it's not fun fuck you and it was very interesting but i was like what why like i still don't i don't know and i think it was just confusion over it was like the thing of like just fucking get the dicks out but it's again it's been three years people have sort of forgotten tricks and tips it's a different gig it's earlier i don't

think they were prepared for but it was just a weird old situation but also like great being like i've had every experience at late in life but the one for me was like they were like here and it's like mate like exactly you think i'm like yeah all this for 10 years i got it it's a bit of a change of the guard isn't it I dig it man I'm fucking some people don't know what late in life should be like

and it should be death and it should be fucking bear pits and it should be like fucking chaos happening and it should be fucking little radgies

coming back and stealing beers and it should be whacking on stage while your mate's on and grabbing another mic like Sean Walsh and Carl Donnelly

did and fucking laying into each other Kitson and Reggie Hunter did it should be that you know when people fucking sat on the hands And he stole a beer I totally agree with you in one sense

But I also think that You have to let the new guard Decide how it's going to be Exactly It's not like We had our time with that gig You know what I mean We have the memories of bullying Elliot Steele

Making fun of Elliot Steele Ditching Elliot Steele Because that was another thing with Cullen. He was like, I was about to do my gig and you wouldn't have done that to any of the other lads. And I was like, me, him and Cody went in especially to fuck Elliot Steele's head up before he went on.

Is it an interesting dynamic that you have with sort of that crew? Is that there's always sort of a like, the feeling that something's a prank? Where it's like, that just seems like it's coincidence or something like that. Like, I don't think... Oh, none of it was aimed at Cullen.

I was trying to get a taxi back with him and i was like well to do that i have to stay out later than i was gonna i'm gonna come to late live i've been watching the football with this young and who i'm really fond of and i fucking want to do well yeah there was no none of it was just like i'm gonna drop this fucking loose unit in with him backstage that wasn't what i was like but i mean it is your like were you on a late and live that night yeah nah well then you can't bring cunts backstage but I mean

I could have went put us on in the wood aye but but that's but you still I mean I hate to say it with colour but I would have been

if we were backstage at a gig and you brought two fucking jakeys back nah I'm gonna say it right now I'm gonna say it right now but there's a huge difference between

your gig yeah Layton. Like, Layton Live is a vibe. I can go into Layton Live and have a pint with my mates and introduce new comics to it. I feel like I've brought that great passage. I have to agree with Kai on that. But it's your responsibility on their behaviour. I took some straight out as soon as he got loud.

And he also fucking frisked them. I frisked the cunts. And it's also not like Kai's... Like, Kai's the nicest man in the world, but I've seen him fight his brother without headgear. There's a side to this man. You know what I'm saying? That I guarantee came out when Kate Askins...

Well, I shouldn't say her last name, but Kate came up and was like, these fucking guys, I guarantee he spun them around and fucking frisked them. Also, I felt like I was doing a nice thing for them lads because they were all makers and it was like a fucking make a wish for them they're on the inside track they're in an artist bar and i i'd had a lovely night with them and i was like you know what come see this side of the festival i see your point and like you're both not wrong it's one of those

things where it's both in it's both how you're sort of looking at it in your head you're going it's a gig don't bring a fucking x factors back to kai's point and i sort of agree which is it's late in live it's a vibe it's a hang these are the type of people that will eventually do this gig let's get them introduced to the right people give them a leg up you know what i'm saying and yeah like do you keep an eye on them maybe but it's also that thing of he was assuming that a guy with a mullet who looked like a rat wasn't gonna steal a bunch of stuff i'm also going to go ahead and say i don't think them lads stole them i don't think them lads stole the beer and what a mountain out of a mole hill if everyone just had a beer and they ran out and also colin wasn't drinking so what you know

what he had yours made i do want to point out though that uh kai you do usually side with people from a criminal background because there's two twins that live in your hometown that steal people's front doors oh yeah I want to hear you tell this because I've told this story so many times not on the podcast I don't think actually I think this is new to the podcast so I am from Canada

I'm from the capital of Canada I'm from a bureaucratic boring town I get invited by my friend Kiefer Humphreys up to his I'm from the capital of Canada. I'm from a bureaucratic, boring town. I get invited by my friend, Kiefer Humphreys, up to his hometown gigs of Punch Drunk. I stay up all night the night before drinking in a baseball diamond with Paul Meyerhog. I then go home, shower, have a cup of coffee,

get on the train. I remember feeling bad, and then when I got to Blythe, the first thing we did was drive to a Wetherspoons for a pint. And I was like, I think we're going to be okay, actually. We took a little tour de Blythe, didn't we? We did, we did. We went for a wander around. We did for a wander around.

And as we got out, because we went to like one place for lunch and then we went to Blythe and you're like, I'll show you the signs. And we went to get a coffee at that like cinema looking pub thing that we all go to. Yeah, that is a Wetherspoons. That is a Wetherspoons.

We went to, I remember there was a two Weatherspoons day, a true classic. And as we were walking to Weatherspoons, the second from the car park, you pointed down a street. Oh, you know what? I had given you already, I had given you a backstory.

As we're walking into Blythe, right, I tell them there was these lads called the Cochran twins. That was their second name, Cochran. And they were actually rumoured to be triplets, but one them's really sound and he moved to spain and made a new life for himself oh i've forgotten this excellent detail yes so they're the remaining two right they used to be adults when i was a teen right and they would stand on either end of the two ways into Blythe and say to your leg, give us a quid.

Like the old fucking, like back in the olden days when mercenaries would just stand in front of bridges being like, there's a bridge tax. And like, do you work with the king? Aye. There's a bridge tax. Aye. Do you work with the king? For the last time, there's a bridge tax. That's exactly who they were. Modern day bursary. The merc who they were Modern day bursary

Bursary? Bursary The mercenaries were getting a bursary Yes But the whole move was like If you don't give us a quid I'm going to take everything you've got Aye

Right So it was just this fucking wank A tax that you had to pay On the way into town And I was telling them about these lads That I grew up with That used to fucking just rob young'uns And we got talking to Tony Cunningham Who was the gym owner yeah millennium who ran the boxing with and he

just went oh look if you look dude now there's one of the cochran twins as if he was like fucking atten brown or something he was in the fucking car park because we literally approached him yeah yeah he runs a boxing gym and then he and then he pointed and he wasn't oh he went oh there's one of the and he had a fucking front door he's carrying a door and then you or him explained oh that's their new scam they steal people's front doors and then you have to go get it back it was him that explained because that was new to me as well that was the most i was still like but i just remember saying to both of you, why don't you call the cops? And the look was like, what the fuck?

We're not snitches. Yeah, right? Just go buy your door back. I like the idea of you just walked out an alleyway where they're clearly doing whatever drugs they do and they've just got the door standing there. And you're like, can I get my door back? And they're like, knock, please.

Who's that talking through the wall? They're like, posters at HMV which door's yours what was even more insane was then recounting that story on stage half hungover

and I got the name wrong I called them the Cockerel Twins not the Cockerel yeah that had everyone howling I could have been the Mayor of Blythe at that point.

It's the only time I've ever gotten a standing ovation. Mid-set. I just remember someone going, The Cockerel Twins! And then at the boxing, people who had been at that gig wanted to know if I was going to talk about the Cockerel Tw twins in the ring. Like one guy came up to me afterwards when I was smoking in my boxing gear.

And he went, I thought you were going to mention the Cochran twins. And I was like, what? And he's like, well, after I gave Chris Martin a left hook, you think I was going to be like those bloody Cockerels this morning? Kai Humphries, I don't know what I did to deserve your friendship. Because of the boxing, everyone else was evenly matched and then it was bully V victim. You've got dyspraxia, is that it? I have dyspraxia and I now also only have one good arm.

Like doing it now would have been fucking, I think Chris would have cleaned my clock because old lefty ain't what it used to be. But yeah, basically I just mugged Chris Martin and Tony scared the shit out of him because we didn't train. We literally thought it it used to be. But yeah, basically I just mugged Chris Martin and Tony scared the shit out of him because we didn't train. We literally thought it was going to be a joke. He was going to give me the rock bottom and then Phil Nickel

and Tom Houghton went in and that crowd went like YAAA! We have to fight. And I took Tony aside and was like, I didn't train. Teach me how to box. And he went like this and he went like this. And he went in his body as hard as you can and put him in the corner.

Or I'll put you in the corner. And I went, OK, Tony, I'll do that. But he didn't tell me how to knock him out or anything. So I would just get him on the ground and then let him stand up. No, hit him again. And I was like, all right. And then we went no faces because he was auditioning for Louisa Amalan's sketch show the next day. And then Chris hit me in the face

and so I saw Red and hit him in the face. Oh, that was the most wild. Why weren't you there? That was the weirdest thing. Do you know about him sponsoring the event? No. Oh, so we're selling sponsor space for local businesses

because it's going to get seen by a bunch of people on the videos and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could make the ringside, you could have a banner up and everything and then he just fucking bought the sponsor space to put pictures of him kissing natalie pictures of him snogging me wife as in bed together her wearing a chelsea shirt um i think it's lost 69 on the back wait team smug isug is the business logo.

Why do you like Chelsea? Because I was born in... Well, because I want to support a team that was in the Premier League because I got bored of watching East Fife and Hebs. It is boring. Yeah, it is boring. When you're watching...

I love going to Scottish football games, but also, as much as I love it, I do also like watching the best. So I was basically sick of watching Scotland, East Fife and Hebs just get fucking battered all the time. Just not having a winning team. Aye. So I was like, I'll Google where I was born

and I'll find what the closest team to that is. So I Googled Kingston upon Thames and it said Fulham and I went, no. And then the next further... Wait a minute. That would have suited you a lot better actually because it's quite posh yeah kid scotland was born in kingston upon fucking england yeah and you know what's funny he keeps using the thing like he's like oh if the

pig's born stable it doesn't mean it's a horse or whatever if a kid if a pig's born in a sty uh if a horse is born in the style it doesn't make it a pig. Right, so he kept using that one and then realised, but what country was the sty in? That's where it makes, but then he realised that's what like, a BNP people say about immigrants.

Yeah. And he was using that about himself. I was using it in the positive way but I was like, well, I can't use that catchphrase anymore. Like,

I remember I kept using this fucking mantra from Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five. Oh, here we go. And it was, fuck, it's been so long since, whistle me asses, I tell you.

It's been so long since I said it. It's, grant me the power to accept the things I can't change to change the things I can, and the wisdom always to differentiate between the two. It's such a fucking good way to look at life. And I find that's like the fucking, it's from the Bible, but it's used in AA,

in alcoholism. So like every time I've just like passed that on and imparted knowledge, I'm just outing myself as an alcoholic. Stolen beers up your jacket. Being like, I can't believe they, I can't believe they think it was the fucking weasels.

Cost to blame the Ned. Not the recovered one. Speaking of Hart's Midlothian, you guys know I did do a corporate event for that team and bombed violently. Yeah, I mean, the only person I've ever heard of doing well at a football corporate is Kevin Bridges, and that's because he's a Celtic fan,

has been his entire life, and did the corporate for Celtic. A home game as well if it was the Ottawa Senators the hockey team that I've grown up knowing about I would have been fucking fine because I would have done 15 minutes on Alexi Yashin and then moved on from there

instead the coach the manager announced he was leaving and they brought me on and the person had told me make fun of the manager not knowing that he was going to quit at the event yeah so i walked up and called him like harry potter and then everyone started booing and then i just had to do 20 minutes and then uh at the end the organizer was like um we thought it would go better than that and like every time i've ever done a corporate i've had to do this which is grab the check out of the person's hand and i went yep i thought it would go better too and then i just

took that check for two thousand pounds and i immediately cashed it and then prayed i would get back on the trip i had this fantasy that they would just send like hooligans to my hotel i'm like use the money back give us it i did the corporate for celtic after kevin bridges talked me into doing it after michaelIntyre's Comedy Roadshow. And they decided to have Chris Sutton, who was the reason why there was, it was like just a testimonial for him. Just, hey, tell us about your time at Celtic and we love you so much. So that was like the headline event, the reason all 500 people were there. And then Chris Sutton decides that he doesn't want to stay till 11 so he'll go on before the comedian so they do the full 45 minute where

everyone gets to ask him questions he tells football stories and then he fucks off and then they go and now for a 19 year old comedian and i walk on in my first so to be fair the reason i didn't bomb because nobody listened to the material so So people just got up, milled around for about eight minutes. I just did my comedy. And the only five people that were listening was my mum, my girlfriend at the time, my auntie, and Henrik Larsson and his wife. Henrik Larsson's like the greatest Celtic player that ever lived.

A true legend. But the reason I will... Swedish guy. I'll respect this man forever. He sat in the front row and people kept coming up and being like to him they're like hey can i get a photo and he would just keep going no i'm watching the comedy and he would just sit there didn't laugh but he's heinrich he's not gonna laugh yeah but he respected you yeah he was just he was the only person of the 500 room of grown adults who went right we fucked this up in every possible way

i'm going to try to make this as easy as we can for the kids and same thing cash the check immediately and when i think i'm done with oh just do it just do that thing where if a gig goes bad you use the money to buy yourself something nice it doesn't go on bills just play that rule yeah because elliot steel's got so many nice things now. So I have a, this is a really fucking middle class rule, but I, this used to be a soft rule, it's now a hard rule, is I don't do anything for money. Like, that can't be the only reason.

Like, if it's like, you do this gig for this cash, but it's going to mean that you cannot have to go on the road for two months, take the fuck, it has to be something like that, because I've been burned so many times, and it really does work, because every time I'm like, that is just a lot of money. I have no other reason to take it, but to just get that money, it is a fucking disaster. And it ends up always costing me the amount of money. Like something will happen. And like, I don't believe

in God and all that sort of stuff, but it's just, it always fucking works out that way. And so it's just, yeah, life philosophy. And sometimes I have lost money and then it just returned comes right back like i flew to la for a corporate lost money on that but then my manager slipped to the booker that i had done that so before i even got on stage he offered me more work for september making september clear so i'm going to hawaii in two weeks fuck having no credit card debt um but that's the sort of thing I always think when it comes to that sort of stuff is you just have to go, what is the actual fucking... What am I getting out of this?

Exactly. Is it going to be a nice thing that I didn't have previously or a nice experience? Exactly. And it needs to be like a freedom or something like that. It can't be just...

A trip to Hawaii. That's right. Oh, guys, I'm just... Have you been to Hawaii before? Never. Oh, it's so unbelievably good. It's as picturesque and as beautiful

as you would fully expect it to be. There's a good day trip you can do where you go ziplining through the valleys. And it's the valleys where they shoot all the films like fucking King Kong, Classic Park. I want you to look me in the face. I have done nothing. We're working on an Edinburgh show for two months.

I'm going to sit by a beach and I'm going to do this. Pineapple juice. Mango juice. And once the hotel staff tells me to stop clapping i will then i then will go to the bar and order a pineapple juice fine i'll get it myself double vodka please guinness yeah i'm just drinking the worst beach what's the okay i don't know when this is is posted. What's the worst beach drink? You can Guinness hot chocolate Oh hot. No, okay, but let's go hot chocolate black black coffee black

I reckon like a Bell's whiskey Oh Give me a double no no I In a plastic cup with sand in it. Go fuck yourself. Can I get a warm Sambuca? Oh, yeah. You know what? I've drank Sambuca on the beach. Yeah, but that's you.

Yeah. Mate, you also got naked with Carl Donnelly and spoke to Jimmy. You, Jimmy McGee, and Carl Donnelly got naked one time. I was singing Bon Jovi songs off the balcony to people who were walking to work. Can you jimmy mcgee and carl dot we got naked one time yeah we're singing bon jovi songs to people who are walking to work what i'm saying is that what you do and what others do are not always in alignment you know what i'm saying yeah um oh the bells whiskey on a beach is really bothering me yeah sugar portobello yeah Minestrone soup.

Oh yeah. That was my first drink of my stag dude because they controlled everything on my stag. Like I wasn't allowed to choose what I wore, how I did my hair, what I did. Mate, I was well aware. What I ate. I refused to give up my Edinburgh previews or I would have been there in mega fucking cocaine loof.

Yes. Playing cymbals over Jimmy McGee's head while he's passed out on a plastic table. The funniest because I was getting, Carl was leaking information. He was like, you guys were the resistance in Europe against Nazi Germany and I was coordinating with Churchill. So I was just getting

all of just, do you understand how insane that stag do sounds in drips and draps? Kai's naked, standing over Elliot Steele, Jimmy's dead. Jimmy, Jimmy, we were playing fucking cards

or something at the table around the pool and fucking, you just saw Jimmy McGee just like fucking fly off the awning and just mash out the floor

like in a fucking crumpled heap. We'd been playing hide and seek and Jimmy had hidden up there but he'd hidden on the roof beside a wasp's nest. And the fucking wasp swarmed around him and the only way to get rid of him was to run and jump off the roof. But like,'s nest. And the fucking wasps swarmed around them and the only way to get rid of them

was to run and jump off the roof. But the people that weren't playing Hide and Seek were just like, fucking Jimmy. There's a video that me and Cara were just shagging at the time and I was doing the same thing. She was like, how is it? And I was like, here's what's going on. She still has a video, and this is on day three,

when we're all so drug damaged and hung over and like dehydrated because of the sun and we didn't have any beers left we didn't have any ciders left what we did we just had an amalgamation of different fruit juices and spirits so in like the biggest soup tub i could find we just poured it all in marvelous medicine poured the remainder of the report the remainder of the ice in and there's a video of me pretending to be david attenborough just being like there's a there's a nest of little birdies up here and i'm a conservationist i walk up to the pool and with a ladle just ladle it into the mouths of him and they're all like i'm just pouring this vial because it's so hot and it tastes like shit

but they're like it's cold liquid yeah I mean we can't ever do anything like that again my first drink of that that stag do on the flight was soup and whiskey

fuck tomato soup so wait in separate cups we're not no it wasn't oh no it wasn't you poured the whiskey in the soup soup and whiskey. Fuck. Tomato soup. So wait, in separate cups, we're not, we're not. No, it wasn't.

Oh no, it wasn't. You poured the whiskey in the soup? Yeah. Cause they, like you got, Oh,

we called it, we called it, we called it, it wasn't, it wasn't a bloody Mary, it was a murdered Mary. It was like, I also recall,

didn't they kidnap, like you were booked for a gig and then they just showed up and took you. Yes. Yeah, so the,

the whole gig booking was a was a like a fraud it was like the Jules from Last Laugh yeah he booked us

for the weekend after me stag so I come back off me stag did we talk about this last week that was the second one on the last podcast

so I yeah it was like the so you've already had a stag do in your head so my stag do's finished man I've been like eating my greens. I think I tried to go out for a run and failed.

I ended up getting the fucking train through to Sheffield. Ended up with that fucking murder flat, you know, the one in Sheffield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Rotherham. And then I got the bus through to fucking the gig to meet Jules for a pint before the gig. And then them two come in and fucking did his whole banana up with us, get in the car. I was like, I've got gigs this weekend. What the fuck? He's staying here? And Jules went, yeah before the gig. And then them two come in and fucking, did his whole banana up with us, get in the car. I was like,

I've got gigs this weekend. What the fuck, he's staying here? And Jules went, yeah, I've got gigs. He booked us on the ever half to make me think that I was back in the real world. So I thought I was back in the real world.

And you, I slept me on bed for a couple of nights. I'd get myself to Sheffield for this gig. He was like, I've got two weeks to emotionally recover. No, you don't't because this one's the Geordie trip so they changed personnel

so all the comics and that and a couple of me Geordies were there as well were away but what was really clever is the Geordie lads who weren't at the original Stag do

every one of them had rangers just going mate I can either be at your Stag do or at your wedding I can't go overseas twice there's no way I can get

the pass from work the missus like whatever right they just take pick one and on every one of them I was like well obviously my wedding

I needed to be at my wedding don't worry about that and then it turned out there was another stag do that they were all just pying us for and then when the fucking owl turned up

they were fresh as fuck oh yeah we made up and I out drank all of them we made up Kai you're a fucking monster

I got like it's it's one of those things where it's the I love the life that I've built for myself

because I think that to be a true well-rounded adult you need to have a man for everything you know like you know the C. Seaman movies

like I got a guy for that where it's like this guy just challenged someone to a Jagermeister drinking contest is anyone who's like I have a challenger i shall be backing now if you'll excuse me i need to go book a flight from glasgow welcome my champion why is he drinking on the way to the

drinking contest well he just was on a flight what are you a cunt yeah he says it's a warm-up yeah and he's sweating so I think he's fucking warm That was a really funny moment On the second stag do Where one of my mates Scotty D He challenged Matty To a fucking shot competition

Of vodka right Which Matty Matty Canning the pincer Matty the pincer I'm sure I've met him I need You're like Geordie friends I need them in a room

And then I can Like I can place them Because I'm like Oh that's the short one That's the one who talks to me about threesomes with a bit too much familiarity that's the other guy that like definitely knows me and i've never met him before but i just assume i forget him squatty with ptsd that might go off at any minute oh that guy i fucking love that guy we love him that guy i will have the reason i have a green card is that guy because i was in his fucking house doing punch drunk.

He was smoking bats the size of this fucking table. Sopper joints. We call them glow sticks. He fucking rules. So I needed my full medical report by the following Monday. I had never gone to a doctor in the NHS. And he literally, out of the fucking mist in that garage, was like, what do you need?

He's like, here's what what do you need he's like a medical he's like here's what you do because he's been in the system he goes call your local gp you'll be registered because of your address get them to print out something saying no examination needed they all they need is a form for the slot it's like he literally like laid it all out but it would be like if a dog explained to you algebra you're like how the because all i've been told complex man so all i've been told by kai is like listen he's he's done some stuff yeah yeah and then i was just like mate you it like and it like it was like looking like gonna be like an additional six months ordeal 20 minutes fix the entire It was like, I couldn't believe it. Oh, that guy,

I would fucking, I'll give that guy 100 quid. So I'm just going to say, sup, sup, but no, it wasn't sup, it was Matty and Scotty D. I don't think you've met Scotty D, right? But he just went,

Matty, me and you now. Boom, boom. And fucking Matty knocks it back and Scotty's gone, I know that, right? And they must have done about fucking six or seven. And then I just went,

Scotty, what are you doing? He's on cocaine. And Scotty passed out on his feet later on in the party. He's just stood at a table like this. And he's on his feet and he's wobbling. And his head touched the desk at one point. And Mattie's just recording him. Oh, I love that I am friends with all of you.

And I love that I did not go on that I like I just want I want to hear about the fun stories and then I want to be like no it's nice I'm not currently on speed with a guy named like Gypsy Bill you know what I mean he's a good guy Gypsy Bill's nice man where

could people follow you and what do you have coming you could head to my social medias at the John Hastings. My Edinburgh show, as of this recording, has been filmed and is being edited and will be put on YouTube because that's what happens with stand-up comedy now. It's very good. Come and see it. Not a cunt. It is very, very good.

Yeah, just do that. I have albums on Spotify and all those places. Go and download them. Those really, really help comed comedians by the way if you're ever wondering how you support comedians go and listen to their albums on those things we make no money from them but it helps with the algorithm so uh do that it's all on spotify john hastings not a dick go ahead and support these guys they're good comedians too suck my butt all right Thanks.