Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Muggins and Cream 2020

Episode Date: January 12, 2020

Off the hamster wheel of touring and living their best life Muggins and Cream get back together for a New Year podcast to look back on the madness off last year and catch up on what's been happening since

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

What the fuck is this? Am I meant to know what this song is? Muggins and cream! Is that Justin Timberlake? It's 112. It's 112. Did you not enjoy that? It's 112. It's 112. Did you not enjoy that? That's how we started the podcast.

Ugh. I've done it as an Insta story. So I'll send that now. I'll send that now. Everyone gets dead excited. All 1,200 of them. They got it. Well, let's see my Insta story.

No, they're listening to the podcast. There's over 4,000. Is there? But you've probably got the number I boot read on my Insta story? No, they listened to the podcast. There's a full season. Is there? But you've probably got the number I boot read on my Insta story. So they're going to see that. They're going to see the music playing and Muggins and Cream sat there just having their chemistry, having their vibe.

And then they're going to be like, oh, sweet, there's a podcast coming. I can't wait to see what happens after that. And that's this bit that we're doing now. Oh, right. So they're all excited for a potentially happy version of this podcast for the first time.

You are happy. I mean, they're not going to think it because you look miserable in that video that I've just posted online. Because regardless of how happy I am, I still fucking hate the intro to every single one of these podcasts. I mean, but that one actually had music.

And it was like, your name was in the track, like I thought it might like... Well, I mean, look, your actually had music. And it was like, your name was in the track. Like, I thought it might, like... Well, I mean, look, your heart was in the right place. I can't fault you there. Delivery lacked a little bit. Aye, aye. It's, um...

But, um, first opening start of a new decade. A new cream. Happy 2020, everyone. I hope it's better than 2019. Not only 2019 was good in retrospect, you know, with, like, graduation goggles on. Sure, for you, absolutely. Come a bit closer to the podcast.

Like, the levels are fine. I just miss you. So you still haven't got the, like... Because I had this big sigh of relief when I... Because even after the travelling from the tour, I still had to travel back to Newcastle to see my family, which I love doing,

but it still wasn't being at home. Aye. Which is the thing I was craving the most, right? So I loved, like, being with my mum and dad, doing the punch drum gigs, doing the stand, and then I went up

and I just lay horizontal on the couch at Natalie's parents for the week between Christmas and New Year. Enjoy like it. Drink, watch the fucking and New Year. Enjoy like a drink, watch the fucking football. I was on Prime having all the matches on. What a day that was.

I played on the Oculus Quest a bunch because I picked one up and Alexander, Natalie's brother, got one so we were playing archery in different rooms of the house. I need to get on that with you guys. Is that Elven Assassin? It's really good. it's a good game

I was shiting it at first but I'm starting to get the swing of it now but it was a really fucking good time

even after that went for a spa weekend at this stately home for massages and jacuzzis and steam rooms

and just like properly pampered and then it was like last week probably like just the day before New Year's Eve,

11 days ago, 12, what the fuck days? Two weeks ago. 12 today, aye. Two weeks ago, got home, and I've been home since,

and now all of that travel, like, is forgetting about all of the woes of the travel. All of the, like, schlepping a bag about everywhere, is forgetting about all I remember, is just the fucking good bits. Aye, cool.

Sure. Are you still hurt? I'll never be able to say I enjoyed that tour aye nah because you submitted

that in your head I look back like I talked because when I it took I promise you that tour took 15 years

off my life at the end and my own fault the way I was handling it the way I was drinking the way I was

doing drugs the way I was eating the way I was over the gym but that tour took 15 years off my life at the way I was handling it the way I was drinking the way I was doing drugs the way I was eating the way I was over the gym but that tour took 15 years off my life at the end and I'll never ever

but that's what it if it came from the bottom of my heart like from the bottom of my heart it was unbelievable like it was when I talk to people

about it right I don't bring up the like sometimes I go oh it was a bit heavy like I'll slip that into conversation but usually I'm talking

about the fucking times we had drinking in Tokyo and like in Moscow and I didn't talk about the shit because like

people that work fucking long shifts and have kids running they don't want to hear you complaining about fucking going to the airport with a bag right

then I suggest they don't listen to the podcast so like I'll talk about it fondly right and because of that like I've kind I'll tackle it fondly right and because of that

I've kind of cemented it fondly in my head I hope I get to that that sounds nice it is it's good it's really good I'll try and get there

but I'm not I'm absolutely not sometimes Danny was a bit of a fucking whiny bitch I'll never it was a once in a lifetime thing and I mean that

sincerely never will it be done again it was a good achievement a lifetime thing and I mean that sincerely never will it be done again it was a good achievement though surely you have a sense of achievement like when it all finished when you unpack your bag you get home you unpack your bag

and by the way the fucking weird not knowing what to do with yourself when you've got fucking days off at home it's like I mean like

there's so much stuff I want to do that I can't choose which stuff to do nah I lost who I was I'm like a kid's so much stuff I want to do that I can't choose which stuff to do. No, I lost who I was. I'm like a kid in a candy store. I'm like, do I want to go on a Muay Thai? Do I want to fucking... I imagine, I feel like,

I imagine similar to what it fucking feels like. You know, when fucking Friends ended and fucking Lisa Kudrow must be stood there being like, what do I do? Look, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm Phoebe Buffay. And she's going for other auditions and she's auditioning as Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe, right? And she's like, is it Phoebe you want me to play? And then in a long shot, we're like, look, as a gimmick, we'll put you in as Phoebe.

20 years later. You get like one scene as Phoebe. Right. She was good. Long shot's a fucking belter. It's a belter film. She did play Phoebe though. She did, well, yeah. She played Phoebe who'd get in a job. Right. She was good. Long Shot's a fucking belter movie. It's a belter film. She did play Phoebe, though. She did.

Well, yeah. She played Phoebe, who'd get in a job. Aye. Aye. Which is such a shame, because Phoebe is, and this is an opinion I've had for my entire life, and I will have forever. Phoebe is the worst character in any sitcom ever.

Not for her character, but for what she created. Yeah. Phoebe Boo. She created Cookie as a personality. Aye. Random as a character but for what she created. Yeah, Phoebe Boo... She created Cookie as a personality. Random as a personality. She created a whole brand of muggles. There was a whole... There was also this entire thing that obviously people talk

about how toxic Ross Geller was because he wouldn't let a moron believe that her dead mother was a cat. Like it was ignorance's bliss. she absolutely propagated ignorance and made this personality trait of, I'm not going to learn anything, I'm not going to improve as a person

I'm just going to be weird and everyone has to deal with it, and you go no, that's not an enjoyable aspect of anyone like just be like, maybe maybe there's energies within all of us you're like, alright, cool it's

utterly illogical propagated ignorance going back and watching it did you

watch good plays you had me start watching that

I was all in I was pretty high when I watched it

I just haven't followed it up I haven't carried on watching it where can

we find it it's on Netflix good plays is excellent and it's brilliant it's got haven't carried on watching it where can we find it it's on Netflix Good Place is excellent and it's it's brilliant it's got Jamila Jamil in it

who the less said about her the better but the her character's great all the characters are great except for what was that bit what she done to you

oh anyone anyone who knows who Jamila Jamil is someone's been heartbroken sure that's it yeah yeah yeah

I'm not I'm not no I'm not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me, trust me. I promise you, I promise you, it's not a rock you want to lift up, ever. It's not a... I'll talk to you off the air about her.

Not a rock anyone wants to lift up. It's not worth it. Do you know the girl? No. Nah. No, no. Okay. But the other character in Good Place is...

Phoebe, the character, spawned that character in every other sitcom and it's the worst character in every Place is Phoebe. The character spawns that character in every other sitcom. And it's the worst character in every other sitcom, which is the, why don't we just have a fucking moron? And you go, that's not... If you're going to make a moron, don't make a moron lovable. Like, being stupid, right, is not... It's not a good trait.

And it's something that... I don't care who you are. I understand that education... As a friend, when Elliot's a moron we're taking it upon ourselves to correct him yeah cool I will not

stop being this wrong always when every fucking misspells I'll correct him all the time stupidity is you're allowed to be stupid but you have

to try and be better everyone should be trying to be better that should be everyone's goal is to be becoming a better person anyone who remains

fucking stupid is shit and there's too many idiots in the fucking world so in good places I can't remember the name of the Jason his name's Jason his character's fucking he's just thick he's just thick for the whole fucking thing and then I say something stupid

and you go I fucking ugh no depth it's a very American thing I find no no that's not true, I guess fucking Dylan Moran's character in Black Books is, mate,

he's not a moron, Bill Bailey's character is. I haven't seen that actually. You haven't seen Black Books? Nah. Oh, it's a belter. Nah,

it's got a real big following, doesn't it? Because when we were doing the first European tour, where Dylan Moran was, like, just ahead of us at every step of the way,

he was at every gig before we got there, like, he was the tour, that was like, the week or so before in practically every venue venue and apparently he was getting a huge following all around europe from black books oh yeah it was fucking i don't know i don't know his age but black books when i watched it when i was younger was it was one of the funniest shows in the world

it's just dylan moran at his peak bill bailey at his fucking peak uh and i can't remember the name she plays fran she was in Green Wing and everything so so you've come out of the tour where you were hating yourself and and

like feeling like you felt like you were dealing with mental health problems for the first time oh a little bit

well you've you've you think like because you seem in a lot better place now because I'm not there's a first time

I've seen you since Christmas Eve Christmas Eve you were alright actually you were there it was clearly not I shouldn't really pair it with mental health issues

because it was situational I guess people with mental health issues a lot of it's down to like yeah yeah a lot of people with mental health issues they go I'm sad and I don't know why I'm sad

whereas I knew why I was sad you knew why you were sad it was because I was on fucking tour and it was because I wasn't the same tour that I'd been on for two fucking years doing the same fucking show and you weren't looking after yourself no not at all

so it was on me I take full responsibility for how I was feeling on tour it wasn't people with mental health issues especially things like depression they don't get to control how they feel

like it's a chemical imbalance and it's devastating I would never ever say what I had was depression because I did have control over it I just chose

but it was tough because if like imagine your body's a vehicle right you were like fucking foot down to the throttle fucking

hard steering every single corner and you're like you're like my car's breaking down I'm like well fucking change the oil

like fucking take your foot off the gas like go like fucking full throttle everywhere just because I don't because just just get me fucking home

so I can burn this car down run this into the ground like this I don't want to be in this car I don't want to be in this car anymore I want to be fucking home and I don't want to be driving and then

and then you get home and you got exhibit on the fucking case and now you're meditating you're going to therapy and you you get up and go for morning walks you eat vegetables

no, let's not take it too far I'm not doing vegetables I ran for a bit but that just doesn't work for me, anyone who enjoys running, please continue to do it well done just understand that mentally I'm superior to you, because

it must be bliss to be able to just turn your brain off what a life what are you doing that was i'm mentally superior for you it must be good great for you to have such control over your mind no to just have no thoughts i'm not gonna think anymore and just no it's a No, it's that thought where you chase a thought. Can you remember I had a routine, like 2014 Fringe Show, where I had, like, Larry takes the wheel, where I had my subconscious mind, so I'll start reading a book, and then something in the book will trigger a thought.

Larry goes off on that thought as if it's someone else borrowing my mind. And my physical body keeps on reading. And then I get back to the book and I'm like three pages ahead. And I'm like, fucking, I've read all those pages, but I didn't take any of it in. Because Larry read it while I had the thought. So when I'm running, I can let Larry do the running. I'm getting this metaphor right.

I can let my subconscious do the running while I, Kai Humphries, go off and do the thoughts. And the world's passing around as I'm getting this metaphor right. I can let my subconscious do the running while I, Kai Humphries, go off into the thoughts. And the world's passing around as I'm running. But I'm just thinking about a bit of material. I'm thinking about fucking... All I'm thinking about while I'm running is, one, this is the lowest form of exercise in existence, apart from walking.

The only lower form of exercise than running is walking. Jogging, if you want to get into fucking semantics about it like if you want to if it's for weight loss doesn't work it's not good for weight loss unless you run for

four hours a fucking day and change your diet hit sessions compared to a hit session hit sessions are great running's great like I can't

I just look for people I don't want to I stand by fasted cardio but you're never going to do that I don't want to that's what I was doing for a week not going running on't want to. That's what I was doing for a week. Running on a fucking empty stomach.

That's what I was doing for a week. For people that works for it, I don't want to ruin things for other people. If that works for you, please fucking keep that. It does not work under these circumstances. Speaking to runners, they're like, do you not get the natural high? And I'm like, I've done cocaine, cunt.

Like, shut up. It's never going to compare. You get this runner's high when you're out I'm like I'm assuming a runner's high is symbol to a walking high

it's fresh air it's getting through you I get a high after I do you know any workout session it's not exclusive to running but you're not getting the benefits of running

because you fucking you haven't ran for ages right you've been drinking you've been like smoking weed you've been vaping all this stuff you're going for a run it's going to be shite because you've been drinking you've been like smoking weed you've been vaping all this stuff

you're going for a run it's going to be shade because you've fucking never been for a run you're going to knock the cobwebs off but why am I running for what

for your health no no no there's better things for my health for things that are good for my health there are 25 things above running

and for things that are enjoyable there's 25 things about running above running running is the lowest form of again for things that are enjoyable there's 25 things about running above running running is the lowest form and again for people that enjoy it

great but understand it's the easiest one it's the it's the it's the one foot in front of the other of exercise

it's the fuck it's a piece of piss it's literally something you learn a day when you're fucking as soon as you can stand upright you can fucking

move forwards but being on a bike is better you need a bike you know like there's other things the other things running is 25 it's it's it's not in the top 10 of anything but it's the it's definitely the easiest method of getting fit oh yeah but you know what if if that's boring for you if you're giving if you're giving like where your head is because you're concentrating on putting one foot, I don't know how you're concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not.

You can do that. You can do that as easy as breathing. It's just the entire time I'm running. So then your brain's free to do whatever. But if you find that boring, then do something where you have to focus your mind, which is maybe it's a little bit like more hard organised

because like you can have a game of squash where you're going to be moving around. Oh, man, squash around because at Liz's you need to find a way to move your body get your blood pumping get oxygen to your cells like fucking

I did two weeks of running because I was like fuck it it was just for me just the way I treat myself on tour I was like right it's about punishment for living your life

the way you not the way I wanted but when I was on tour I was drinking when I wanted I was smoking when I fucking wanted I was, when I was on tour I was drinking when I wanted or smoking when I fucking wanted and I was eating whatever the fuck I wanted. I was just doing that.

I was like, you're going to run just so, because it's miserable and it makes you miserable and the runner's high is a myth and it's a lie

or at least it's just not true for me. I was like, you're going to do that just so. I don't feel the runner's high, I like running but I don't feel the runner's high

the way people talk about it. The way people talk about the runner's high is if it's like fucking coming up off Molly. I like running, but I don't feel the runner's high the way people talk about it. The way people talk about the runner's high is if it's like fucking coming up off Molly. I'm like, oh, you just haven't tried Molly, have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just,

I imagine if you've never done drugs in your life, a runner's high must be fucking brilliant. In the same way that if you fuck, like in the same way the water test must taste amazing when you're dehydrated. But let's admit, it's not the greatest drink in the world. You know what it's like?

You know them... I bring this up because we use one in an escape room. But you know them sliders where you put the binoculars to your eyes and you press the slide and you see a picture on the slide? It's like someone pretending they're as fascinated by that as you are of the VR. Aye. But they haven't been in the VR.

So they're talking to you on the same level oh and then you flick the slide and then another picture comes up and you're like no no you don't understand there's a

whole fucking new world that you're going to mess yourself in have you played Mario on the Gameboy have you played

Zelda on the Switch no no no but Mario on the Gameboy you go it's not it's not comparable

it's not comparable you're in the foothills of what high is I'm really glad you enjoy Mario, but you need to understand it's not the peak of gaming

just because you haven't played it, just because you can't afford the other games, right? Aye, or the fucking propaganda I've got to you. Oh, absolutely, aye. And again, for the people that fucking enjoy running, fucking bless you, keep fucking doing it. I'm jealous of you. Not for me in any way, fine.

Did it for two weeks. It's a form of punishment. I treat it like it for two weeks. It's a form of punishment. I treat it like a form of punishment. It is a form of punishment. And I'll never go a month without working out again in my life because it's been two weeks of abject misery. There was one point I will admit,

on one run, where I was like, fuck, on one of my fucking 14 runs, right, for 10 seconds, where I was like, okay, no, I get,

oh, no, it's shit again, no, it's done. It's just, it was just instantly shitty. And then the second, yoga is, I'm getting to that, I enjoy that. Meditation, I don't believe in any of the hippie shit about it, because it's not true. I believe sitting down and breathing, controlled breathing and trying to clear your brain

for 15 minutes a day is decent. I like the idea of meditation being time off from yourself. and breathing, controlled breathing and trying to clear your brain for 15 minutes a day is decent. I like the idea of meditation being time off from yourself. Like when your thoughts are spinning, whether you're listening to a podcast and you're processing what you're listening to or whether you're running

and you're thinking about material and like from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed and including when you're asleep in your dreams, you never have a break from yourself. Whereas with meditation, you just stop any of the thoughts

from coming in and you just mildly bat them away and just give yourself an empty head for 10 minutes like hocus pocus

fucking chakras and fucking spiritual all that shit aside all that shit aside how how is just giving yourself a little bit of head space ever going to be bad for you

it's got to be belter for you just declutter it 10 minutes of guided meditation they're free on YouTube 10 minutes of guided meditation you stick in your fucking headphones I gotta talk you through it in the morning

and honestly and I as somebody that has only been doing it for fucking two weeks I was getting much much bigger fucking highs

off of 10 minutes of meditation than I was from 45 minute runs and substantially higher I would say the feeling I had of 10 minutes of meditation than I was from 45 minute runs and substantially higher. I would say the feeling I had after 10 minutes of meditation.

You did more with your breath for 10 minutes. You've got to breathe. 10 times more like after coming out of it being like, fuck, I feel good as opposed to

the only good thing about running is when it's over. That's the fun bit of running where you go, oh, it's done. I ran. I ran for 45 minutes. You go, what did you enjoy about it? this bit, the bit where I'm not running

anymore, that's the best bit of running whereas when I'm working with other sort of workout stuff for me I do enjoy in a HIIT session when you get a real sweat on, that's I'm like fucking this is exercise I can feel myself

I'm not getting, I do not feel a single bit of health in my fucking body. And how good are them little islands of rest in the HIIT session? Like, you're going hard for 40 seconds on burpees, and now you've got like 10 seconds left, so you're fucking caning it, and then you're like, the buzzer goes. Aye.

And you just get to have a sip of water and just catch your breath. Like, them little safe havens in the middle of the HIIT session are fucking awesome. It's good. I just think for me it's it's my pendulum during the fact of during the that godforsaken fucking tour was uh so far on the other side it was uh it from the second i woke up to the second i went to bed i was smoking weed because it was the only way i could be nice to people uh piggy saying she's loving it and you health kickers you're getting up and making her a smoothie before she gets to work.

You're like, season the day for her. I know, it's good, I wake up, because it's great, you know, she's,

I've decided to just, because a lot of the time, someone that doesn't have, any mental health problems that I have, are of my own make, and they're not biological, they're not intrinsic. Just,

you know, it is my responsibility. It is my responsibility to be better at it and to handle things better. You know, I did... But the other thing about the tour is I just... I couldn't put the mask on anymore. I didn't want people to think I was fine

because it can never happen again like that. That was the thing that gets into Marlena. I'm like, I want you to see what this has fucking done to me so this never happens again I'm not I'm not putting on a brave face you were like making her

like a bit of a misery as well just so that she could feel it with you like it was like you had this like feeling where you were like I feel like you're the one

putting me through this so you're gonna feel this too so you never so she never ever ever ever ever fucking does it again that tour we went on was inhumane. Seven long haul flights in a week was a bit heavy for me.

I just felt a bit like... Because you do feel like you're in captivity when you're strapped to a chair for seven hours a day. Plus... Matt, you do. For fucking 250 days of the year, you go on stage and you talk about the moment that one of your ex-best friends

raped your other best friend you do that every fucking day right for 250 days at 365 right while fucking travelling and while drinking every day

and you tell me who you met oh who the fucking anyone there's one thing anyone that goes and it doesn't to be fair it hasn't happened much

but anyone nobody said it must have been easy and that's been really I think people have understood especially people that listen to the podcast and hear

what's happening because I know you don't check your inboxes again for mental health reasons right don't check your inboxes on Instagram and stuff like that

but I've checked a handful and a lot of people were just checking it and were like saying that they hope we're alright and I think there was like I think there was a general

understanding the thing is I wanted absolutely that did help as well the fact that we took these lot with us

on tour like it really helped having that support and people understanding like meeting fans on the tour

especially when we were in parts of Germany meeting some of you who really understood really you know sympathetic to it it was really

fucking nice. But the thing is, I absolutely love this job and we're so lucky. I've got an overwhelming sense of achievement from that tour and that was hard

but like, the same as like, I was trying to say it was like the fucking my late evening of a marathon when you wanted to quit and you couldn't relate because you've never

ran that far. But also, I don't, but you just go, I didn't want to run the marathon. But it was like, marathon but it was like I guess it was like you're saying the finishing

was the good bit in the end but no there's so many good bits when you boil it down when you like break it down into individual moments

that can isolate so many fucking fun times but it just went on forever but that's the thing I feel good about because I wanted

to enjoy it I wanted so much to what we went was a fucking amazing and it makes you feel like a fucking sport get because I wanted to enjoy it I wanted so much to what we went was fucking amazing and it makes you feel like a fucking sport because I didn't

like I lived the life that any comedian in the world would want to fucking live like that was the fucking you know you get to go to Russia

you get to go to Japan you get to do all this fucking stuff this amazing stuff to walk out into places that you've never been before and have a room full of people

who fucking adore you and they're so excited they're excited that they've got one of the tickets because it's been sold out for ages and they've got one they're buzzing

you don't want to kill the buzz to walk out on stage and to not enjoy it as much as they do made me feel like a piece of shit it made me feel like I was a fucking asshole because but man every other job you always enjoy the meal more than the person made me feel like a piece of shit. It made me feel like I was a fucking asshole.

Because... But man, every other job, you always enjoy the meal more than the person that's cooking it enjoys making it for you. He wants to be at home with his family. But the thing is, but our job isn't like other jobs.

Our job is amazing. We are so fucking lucky. And I was, I felt like a fucking spoiled brat. And it just ate and it ate and it ate and it ate. And it just, you know, and it just didn't fucking like it so that's why

it'll never happen again yeah because that was when the times when you open up about it it was the the fact you felt ungrateful

was the thing that was eating you the most yeah it still does man it's it made me feel like a fucking so let's talk about this

because I think this could inspire a few people you've took it to the couch you've went and got therapy. You've sat with a therapist.

I didn't like who I'd become in December. If I've been 100% honest with myself, I didn't like who I... No, no. You know me and everyone on this podcast know how much I love myself. I think I'm brilliant. I think I'm the best thing in the world.

But I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like the way I was speaking to people. I didn't like the way I was treating Marlena. You felt like that yeah your self confidence and your self love and all that you felt like it was becoming a lie because you didn't love yourself I did not like

how I was reacting I was fucking short tempered I was this and I hadn't handled it I lost part of who I was because so much of who I was because so much of man I was I was Daniel Sloss

all last year I wasn't Danny I wasn't DJ I wasn't I wasn't Sloss I wasn't Cream I was Daniel Sloss every fucking

and being Daniel Sloss you were the name on the ticket being Daniel Sloss is fucking exhausting because Daniel Sloss walks on stage with his fucking dick out

and tells you oh he's the god damn king of the god damn fucking world and don't get me wrong I love that persona and it feels it's fucking

exhausting and to meet people you're just this fucking angry bloke on stage and you come back and you're like I just want to cuddle

so much of my so much of my... Marijuana had become a crutch. It was something, it was the only way I could feel... You were morning, noon and night on that. It was the only way I could feel joy. It was the only way I could be nice to people. I didn't like that.

I would have a little talk in the airport and then maybe it's after the gig before bed, but you were just like... Every second of the day from breakfast right up until I would before

if you saw my if you saw my show in the last four months I was so stoned on stage which by the way which was another thing which I will say

with the last four months one thing I really did enjoy was being stoned on stage because it made me have so much fun again you did a lot of writing on stage actually

you had a lot of like it was different punchlines in every gig that you were just like freestyling after the Hong Kong breakdown

going especially going through that thing when I'd just you know people might not want to hear this but when I'd stopped caring when I'd actively

stopped caring which I was because I was like I don't care if I go on stage drunk and I don't care if I go and stitch stoned because I just don't care. I'm careful there's a stain on me trousers.

I don't, I couldn't give a fucking shit. But it was funner. I really started enjoying it instead of, you know, limiting myself. Those last three months

was, because so much of the tour. Yeah, because building up to the Hong Kong gig, you are reciting word for word for word for word. And then that was, like, you felt wouldn't, even though, like, it still worked.

Everyone was still laughing at the same points and you still had the correct rhythm. Because a lot of people who are, like, dead behind the eyes and phoning it in, as it's called in the industry, a lot of them don't have the right rhythm in the crowd. Right. I didn't want to, well, I didn't want to, look, the show was very, you know.

Like, nobody got shortchanged on a ticket. I was checking in on the, I knew the want to the show was very you know like nobody got shortchanged on a ticket I was checking in on the I knew the state you were in backstage but I kept checking in on the gigs

and you were always fine oh yeah I wanted to make sure that I was always giving the you know be miserable for fucking

22 and a half hours of the day but the night miniature on stage go on stage and give them the fucking show that they paid for

six months ago when they all got fucking excited. It's so much about the part of the tour is I want to, and whether this is right or wrong, I want to be one of the greatest stand-up comedians that ever lived.

That's what I want. That's what, and for fucking a year of that tour, I was not improving as a stand-up. I was stagnant in the fucking water. Now, that was my own fault. I could have, in those last four months when I suddenly went going on stage stolen and going on stage a little bit drunk and having fun with the

audience I those last four months I was like fuck it oh my god like I'm actually improved I was writing on stage I was laughing on stage I was fucking changing how I fucking perform those last four months I was like fuck it okay now I'm a real comedian again but we did we didn't write a thing for like 18 months that's not that helps for a creative person

like I felt like absolutely like where creativity was stifled because even though we could have had writing practices

on the road we're just stifled I didn't want to I felt I felt like fucking Woody from Toy Story just pulling

there's a snake in my boot there's a snake in my boot there's somebody's poisoned the water hole. But again, that was all on me. So do you know where I started, just because I felt like them creative brick walls were up, and I was like, fuck, I'm going to smash these down.

I haven't wrote a single new thing, I haven't created a thing. I started writing a children's book on my phone when I was flying, and even then, I'd done it for over two weeks, and I was like, what the fuck's the point? It's never going to see the light of day it's like I'm only doing it

just for the sake of writing but you need an outlet you need an outlet if you're going to write something I was yeah it was the lack of creativity

is so get back to talk to us about the therapy the therapy how do you so basically

just I decided that I needed therapy because I've in all honesty basically, I decided that I needed therapy because in all honesty, I've always... Anyone that goes to fucking therapy has a lot of my fucking respect because you take an ownership of... If you're not going to therapy, you're like, I'm perfect and I don't need help.

And you're like, all right, enjoy that, you fucking weirdo. Like, Jesus Christ. Like, I suddenly... And that's who I was for ages. I was like, no, I can do this by myself. I'm this, I'm fucking big, I'm fucking fucking strong I don't fucking need any of this shit and and then just to myself I couldn't like it there was the proof was in who I was and who I'd become and how I was acting proof was I was not handling it now

here's the thing as well it's it's not about I don't have it you know this movie I don't have any problem opening up I've got I can talk to you about anything I can talk to any of the you about anything I can talk to any of the goats about anything I can talk to Piggy about anything man I could I could throw Natalie

out of the blue if I was feeling really fucking sad I could throw Natalie and she'd talk to me yeah and your parents are great and they're always

keeping their finger on the pulse with how you're feeling and so many other comedians I'm so lucky to have such a genuinely but you're talking to a support structure of people who have a bias

yeah who are going to tell you what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear and I just wanted just a neutral and bias sort of voice yeah a professional

because we're not professionals we know you're better than anybody but we're not professional therapists I'm not a psychologist I think I've got a psychologist but I think I've got a good I've got a good knack for it you know me better

than my you know me better than my therapist knows me but my therapist knows Brian better than all my friends

and that's you know and he's able you know it's a neutral thing also there's other I'd love it right if your therapist

was like fucking real breakthrough everything's going well you're like this guy's fucking great this is so good for my mental health and then he just like

just pulled out something that was a deal breaker in a session where he just went ah you would say like you're a Scorpio oh I'd lose my fucking mind

I'd honestly I would break my heart see if he see at the end if he was just at the end he was just like okay let us pray

and I'd be like let us what I'd be fucking seething oh I'd hit the roof oh you're trying to like start interpreting one of your dreams

oh I'm you'd be like oh for fuck's sake I tell you what here's the thing I just think your chakras are unaligned I'm gonna unalign

your fucking jaw you cunt all me money back up until this point I give you all of it fuck you you snake oil

another reason why for me why I go to fucking therapy man fame is weird as shit

and it's not normal I'm not going to pretend it's normal it's not it's not a normal thing. So do you sympathise for Aunt McPartland? No, I don't give a shit. No, I don't give a shit.

I'm sorry, I was presenting a show once a week, difficult. Shut up, cunt. You're going against everything you've literally just said. No, no, no. I think I don't I didn't let it start affecting other people? No, no, no. No, no, no. I think... I didn't let it start affecting other people. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah. Also, man, fucking, I do sometimes have a God complex. And as much as... Sometimes, you know, I'm a very confident person, as some would say arrogant. And I love playing up to that role because I find it funny.

I enjoy it. It's a fun character to inhabit sometimes. It's an inspirational persona. People get a reward sometimes, Gan, when they see you being that cocky. And it's fun to play. I really enjoy, you know, what would be the most arrogant thing to say

at this moment in time? And I'm just going to fucking say that and having people fucking roll their eyes and laugh. I enjoy playing up to that fucking parody. But there have been plenty of times and I'm just going to fucking say that and having people fucking roll their eyes and laugh. I enjoy playing up to that fucking parody but there have been plenty of times if I'm being honest with myself where I would say something horrifically arrogant and I'd go

you meant that. Like there was no irony in it. Like it was shit and I was like that's not good. Like the ego is fine as long as it is a character the second it becomes fucking real, check that in.

You're like, oh, I really said that with Venom. I had a forward brow when I said that. Aye, aye.

I was, I caught myself a couple of times. I just basically, I caught myself a bunch of times becoming someone I didn't want to be

or somebody I hoped I wasn't and, and it's nobody else's responsibility other than my own and I think I've had a couple of moments where I haven't recognised myself as like on the way back from Glasgow

between Christmas and New Year Natalie had booked the train tickets and we get to our seat, packed train right, can't get room for me bagging the overhead locker and I was just going to Natalie I was like, why we get to our seats packed train right can't I get room for me bag in the overhead locker and I was just going I was like why we're not first class like what are you

why did you book these tickets like we've been fucking grafted so hard out of your run for for this and then I'm like Kai who the fuck are you like you are

like why did you just get angry at your wife for not booking first class tickets like that's where I really take it you privileged cunt aye

like there was a point where I literally in a busy train full of people just like went we're better than these and I hated

myself for it aye that's exactly there were so many points where last year I didn't get it wrong we're upgraded aye there were some points where last year... I didn't get it wrong, we're upgraded.

There were some points where I did find myself thinking I was better than other people and I don't think that's a good thing to feel about anyone. You don't have to occasionally feel it, but when it's a regular fucking... I didn't become a diva. and you like to occasionally feel it like but when it's a regular fucking film and when you I did didn't become a diva it's like if you can

check yourself and laugh at it when you think that you deserve better treatment than other human beings that's when I was and I did feel that

at points last year I was like that's gotta be rended and that's not okay and that's what I mean by when fame's fucking weird right is you know

you have people who love you, what you do. And, you know, I do shows that really... But I've been working hard. Fucking everyone on that carriage has been working hard, motherfucker. So we've never been working eight hours a week, three kids. Two fucking jobs. Yeah, gather through a divorce. Or, like, they finish a shift just as their fucking missus goes to work.

Can't fucking see them working. The boiler bust and they fucking have to try and their fucking missus goes to work. Can't fucking see them. Why can't I? The boiler bust and the fucking have to try and magic 800 quid for fresh air. The difference between us They're grafting.

The difference between us and a lot of people The only difference between us and a lot of people is luck and circumstance. And I truly believe that. The only difference between me and everyone

I went to fucking school with people who grafted at fucking university ones who went to college that once you dropped out had two fucking kids got a fucking apprenticeship the only difference between me and them a lot of the time is luck and circumstance so I don't get to have any sense of superiority to them and I did and I did for a lot last year and what that comes from is walking on stage in front of 2,000 fucking people and have them adore every word

that comes out of your mouth, cue up to me afterwards and cry when they meet you. That's not good for anyone's mental health. And that's it. And I don't... It was funny, you were telling us

you were reading self-help books but they're all just applied to your regular everyday normal guy. And that you're trying to apply the same stuff it's like try talking to the person sat next to you on the train you're like I want to fucking flight every single day

I'm not going to talk to fucking anyone just having that same small talk on a regular so that's the other thing I'm in unusual circumstances and I want to but to talk to someone who you know

a therapist who just deals with everything and he doesn't give a shit I think you're telling us he's a Dutch guy I think that's the perfect accent for a therapist he's so good I don't want to be you don't want to indulge too much no no look because it's for me it is for me I don't want to go to, because I don't want to be... You don't want to indulge too much.

No, no, look, because it's for me. It is for me. It's for me and it's... I'm sorry for bringing it up in public and all that, but I honestly think it could be a healthy inspiration for people that might need it. I'm not ashamed of it. You'd be a good ambassador for it. I'm not ashamed of it.

It's not something I'm fucking embarrassed of. The only reason I don't want to talk about it too much is just because what I talk about in my therapy I'm going to talk about in that room with him

but if it does inspire people to go to it I think everyone needs to go man like it's I have seen you just like you've been

sending everyone to therapy I don't know I it's just when people talk to me about their fucking problems I'm like

you've got a therapy and they're like well then I don't then you it's just when people talk to me about their fucking problems I'm like you got a therapist and they're like yeah well then I then I don't then you don't get to complain anymore like you know well not

it's it's I guess like if somebody's complaining about their their weight and you can't you can't go to the gym and you can't

then you can't aye well there's there's your first step it's exactly what you were saying to me the two of you which is you're not doing

and I wasn't I was not doing anything to make myself better I was wallowing and I was happy to wallow yeah and that was me at the end of the tour

I was like I'm miserable everyone gets to know I'm miserable blah blah that's what I was not a good person not who I want to be

and so I just I think you know it's I do believe that everyone's goal

should just be no matter how big or small just try and be a better person I think, you know, I do believe that everyone's goal should just be, no matter how big or small, just try and be a better person. And whatever, for you, that manifests, for every person it manifests itself in a different way, but just try and improve as a human being regularly. Now, it's not going to happen. Sometimes you're going to take one step forward

and then you're going to jog backwards for a mile, right? It's not once, it's sometimes you find, but just whenever you can put that fucking it's like running whenever you can put that extra foot forward really try to and while everyone's

I've taken advantage of the fact that January you know all the muggles myself included are doing sober January take fucking advantage of that

while nobody's forcing you to go out while nobody's going fuck it I'm not being pressured to go out I'm not everyone's it I'm not being pressured to go out I'm not everyone's trying to be healthy

I'll just fucking you know I've inadvertently been dragged into it I didn't commit to no dry January but like everyone around us is doing it

I've got no one to drink with and now I'm like 12 days in and like I'm not going to like crack open a bottle of wine when Natalie's doing dry January

and just drink it on me own near her and just live full of temptation I'm not a dick so like I've ended up where I'm like bottle of wine when Natalie's day in dry January and just drink on me out near her and just live for temptation I'm not a dick so like I've ended up where I'm like

oh but now I'm nearly halfway there so I think I'm just gonna sign up now also I've done a dry January

from Facebook I don't think I'm gonna get back on what Facebook oh I haven't been on Facebook

since July last year and this will be I'm genuinely considering getting a social media manager for my Twitter I think Twitter is toxic

and cancer you think Twitter is? yeah both I think Twitter and Facebook are both every time I go onto it and this is one thing I just started doing

every time I went on Twitter I came off sadder than I went onto it and I'm like why is that an app on my phone? Yeah. Why is there an app on my phone

that takes up 30 minutes of an hour? Yeah. So whenever I'm bored, whenever I'm bored, I go, oh, I just make myself sad. I've never come off Twitter happier. Instagram and Twitter, I've started using repeatedly more and more.

Less today with me covering and more today with me knitting. And I like them more because people are fucking really nice when you're just showing them knitting stuff. Aye. And, like, I'm losing sight of the goal with it, I think, but I'm having a better time on it when I'm...

I just... Facebook's dead to me. Twitter is. It's just shit. It's just... I wouldn't... Why am I trying to find... Why on why am I trying to find why on earth am I trying to find out what Piers Morgan thinks about anything

like if in a conversation right if you and me were just chatting and you go do you know what Piers Morgan thinks I go what the fuck are you telling me what Piers Morgan thinks I'd do that to myself what about for Outposts why don't you just be a be a contributor rather than because you know what because people might want why don't you just be a that's not I don't be a contributor rather than a because you know what

because people might want to know what you I don't give a shit no no no I decide and this might be dicky I fucking decide

what content my fans get and what I want to do and it's stand up for me right and it's the fucking book I'm writing

or it's fucking whatever I'm not a tweeter there are some incredibly funny fucking tweeters out there who are very

fucking good it's not who I am I'm not funny on Twitter I'm really shit on Twitter and I'm also do you think you just boil it down to Insta

because Insta stories are good sometimes but yeah yeah I guess on Instagram I don't get the you know and if you stay

out of your inbox that's like it's like going on Twitter and not seeing your mentions oh yeah no I don't I never went on fuck it well no that's not true

sometimes I go in because I know it's just really difficult it's a tough one for you because had you never went on that well no that's not true sometimes I go in because I know it's just really difficult it's a tough one for you because had you not went on the Instagram you would never have met Ross Geller

so there could be celebrities reaching out to you in your Instagram inbox that you're totally missing out on like fucking meeting your heroes

and your idols well no no I reckon if they really wanted to meet me they would reach out and other things but also that's not it was fucking

meeting David Schwimmer and it was very very fucking cool did I call him Ross Gellar aye and I said that

as if that was his real name did I that bloke from Band of Brothers aye meeting David Schwimmer and that was

very very sort of cool but also man I don't want to look being a celebrity is really cool and the advantage is massively

massively massively outweigh the negatives right and also for all the positives you get from from all the negatives that you occasionally get with fame you have to understand that it's outweighed by the nightclub and that's the thing that you do owe to

your fans right which is you know no matter how fucking tired you are no matter how fucking miserable you are if anyone wants to talk to you and

have a fucking photo that's the deal that's the fucking that's the devil's contract right if you want 95% of your fucking life to be absolutely

brilliant fucking suck it up and I think on the whole you quite like the fortness part of it I love it I absolutely love it I say

one of the things that's really happening awkward I never say like before you open that door you're not like oh god here goes you're like

you're a bit buzzed you're like shall we gamete them I do I thoroughly enjoy it but one thing I've started doing recently and it's

it's it's not backfired and I don't think it will but the only backfire if I take it is a fucking backfire but whenever whenever I meet someone

in the street or somebody goes if you're Daniel Sloss they'll talk to me for a bit I always say it before they do now I go do you want a photo

right because here's the thing there's been so many times where I've met people that I really fucking admire you don't want to ask

for a photo I'll never ask for a photo because you just go it's so fucking embarrassing yeah I'll try I'll try and do it for you do't want to ask for a photo? No, I never ask for a photo because you just go, it's so fucking embarrassing. Yeah, I'll try and do it for you. Do you want us to get a photo of you? I'll try and get it for you from there. I went to the gym the other day

and the girl was signing me up. She went, and I was like, and she went, and I went, and she was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a big fan.

She was really sweet, spoke to her for a bit. And I went, oh, there she goes. She goes, I'm signing up for the gym. She goes, oh, sorry, sorry, just a big fan, she was really sweet, spoke to her for a bit, and I went, do you want, oh, there she goes, so I'm signing up for the gym, she goes,

do a photo, so she gets this from a pass, I go, yeah, no, I'd love to do a photo, she takes the photo on my screen, I go,

should we get that photo, she was like, oh, I just meant for the pass, but here's the thing, and I was like, and I'm like, I'm so sorry,

my ego, I assumed you wanted a fucking photo of me, she was like, would that be alright, and I'm like and I'm like I'm so sorry my ego I assumed you wanted a fucking photo of me she was like would that be alright and I'm like I'm happy to be the one embarrassed in that situation because I would

I have had moments with people I really admired that I didn't get photos with and when they left I was like I didn't get a fucking photo with them and I am I don't want people to

I would much rather be embarrassed I would much rather say to someone do you want a photo and then go no than have them just not be so awkward and so so scared or not wanting to be intrusive i like what we were with dave chappelle when we went we were like backstage with dave chappelle desperately wanted a photo of course i desperately wanted to brag about this

online we're fucking backstage with Chappelle and then it was Jeff from Live Nation just went free my Live Nation guys let's get a photo like he just said he put one on a level he was like

three of my fucking clients put it together like thank you very much for making that happen and then we get the photo where we're fans but he didn't put in the position of like

like doing that Dave Chappelle backstage when he should be in his safe space did you see Dave Chappelle he was accepted

I can't remember the award he was accepted an award the other day in San Francisco and did a 10 minute speech on comedy and comedians

afterwards oh man it's better so fucking Tony Woods is in the audience and he thanks Tony he's like Tony you know I met Tony hey baby I'm we google Tony Woods is in the audience and he thanks Tony he's like Tony

you know I met Tony hey baby I'm Tony Woods Tony Woods is who inspired Chappelle oh really yeah yeah and in this

so I've known Tony Woods for years and years Tony Woods is one of the greatest living comics and I mean that sincerely like he's and I do not say this lightly

I would put him above State in that but that same that's high praise like man Tony Woods as far as like a

master of the craft guns like Stade's big you may not be the most fucking high profile but like I reckon there's high profile people

that look up to Tom Stade yeah yeah yes a hundred fucking Tony Woods is even bigger than that to the point where Tony Woods is even bigger than that to the point where Tony Woods is

Chappelle even admits in the speech he's like he inspired me like the reason I'm the comedy is because Tony Woods

and it was so good Tony was in the audience for it so for me someone who's known Tony for you know nine years now and how amazing he is

and nobody knows who Tony Woods is which Dave Chappelle in front of a fucking room full of people just to be like fucking Tony was you

was just it was really really beautiful speech so what were we googling fucking Dave Chappelle it was within the last week or two it was in San Francisco

I feel it was some sort of Benjamin Franklin award or some sort of American history guy award it's a 10 minute speech where he thanks his mum and everything. It's just a really, really beautiful speech. And it shows it when we're finished.

Oh, let's plug Altitude. Yes, right. So you start while I Google the dates. Right, so Altitude Festival, if you do not know, it's a comedy festival on a ski resort where you'll go and do your skiing and snowboarding and stuff through the day. It's a town called Meyerhofen where it is. And then in the evening... In Austria.

In Austria. And in the evening, because the Altitude Festival is on for this particular week of the year, all of the après-ski is comedy. And there's just a bunch of us, what, like 30 of us go? So it's from the 30th of March to the 3rd of April 2020. And yeah, it's exactly, it's all of us. We ski during the day, we board during the day. Then at evening, there's normally three shows a night. It's a mixture of improv shows or rose battle shows or straight stand-up shows.

There'll be one in the big room but there'll be you know the late night club that we all do and here's the thing is every single we're there with you we hang out with you

for a week you're not just coming to watch us perform you're coming to sesh with us for a week it's not it's not just the gigs it's

you hang out with like us and Maxwell and Zoe Lyons read the line up the line up is fucking Tom Stade is there you fucking

the king himself Marcus Brigstocke Andrew Maxwell Zoe Lyons Daniel Floth Kai Humphries Gareth Waugh G-Tip himself

oh my god it's the Churchill back fucking one of my absolute favourites the International Impro All Stars are back Milk one of my absolute favourites the international all stars are back milk is going to be

there Shab Pekar Shandy oh Steele Steele's going to be there Tom Stade Lauren Pattinson Adam Rowe

who survived a horrific car crash he did he's very brave he's very brave ah yeah I spun off a road at 20 miles an hour

yeah he went to get his prescription McDonald's but the chemist was closed fucking pussy I say this as somebody who's been through a fucking car window right car crashes

car crashes tend to break windows as far as I'm concerned I've been in a fucking nasty accident right and I fucking man I've been in a fucking nasty accident right and I fucking man I went straight to hospital not McDonald's Emmanuel Sanubi

Michael Mettemeyer Elliot Steele Christian Schultz-Lowe Ryan Cullen Matt Reeds the gorgeous Matt Reeds fucking Matt Reeds coming

and I kind't stress it off where I'll just gotta be in this small village together that's just full of belt out venues to do comedy

and to drink and then we're gonna be playing on because there's a bunch of people come that don't ski or snowboard and they just go

on the mountain they go up the gondola go into the lovely restaurants and bars on the mountain and we'll just whiz around on the snow and then come on the mountain and we'll just whiz around on the snow

and then come to the restaurant and have like a Glühwein and a drama whiskey and also there will be a live Slots and Humphreys

on the road in altitude so come come to that I think there's only a it is limited to tickets because there's literally

it's limited to tickets because you get tickets to all you get tickets to all the fucking shows it because there's literally it's limited tickets because you get tickets to all you get tickets to all the fucking shows it's that intimate and it's it's the best

it's just the best week of my life every year that will go sorry I'm just making sure that every fucking year we've done fucking Altitude as well and I've done them all

except for last year because they're my favourite things in the fucking world every single fucking year Brett has always put in the brochure that it's my birthday while we're out there

it's never been my fucking birthday out there because my birthday's on 9-11 I'm just making sure that in this day it's what we meet randomly on the mountain people are like

happy birthday Slavs and I'm like that is on my birthday because it's in the programme so yeah this is so this is what you've got to do go to the Altitude website

and fucking cunt what his career has catapulted to dizzying heights in recent years and yet it remains the real peak is coming

next March to celebrate his birthday again you fucking cunt Brett stop it so em so yeah just come and laugh

at when Adam Rowe falls off his snowboard and then starts going on like his fucking vehicle shoe back up plain lads oh it was nearly

a 9-11 too a bit of turbulence like oh Malaysia I've played for so yeah go ahead and go on the altitude

get the comedy festival wristbands and then you're going to need there probably is information on the cheapest deals

for flights and stuff but where do you want to fly to is it Munich or Innsbruck is that the nearest one deals for flights and stuff but you want to where do you want to fly to is it Munich or Innsbruck is that the nearest one to Meyerhofen and then you want to

book a place to stay in Meyerhofen so a place to stay in Meyerhofen flight to Munich or Innsbruck but if you want to do the cheapest way

otherwise go to the website and all the instructions are there they'll give you recommendations there's packages if you want to do it outside of the packages

there's other ways to do it but there you go and again we know we've got fucking German listeners and Austrian listeners like it's if you want to do it outside of the packages there's other ways to do it but there you go and again we know we've got fucking German listeners and Austrian listeners like it's if you understand

my fucking quality I hate to sell our friendship here as a fucking deal breaker but we're like we've been at Altitude since 2012

we're very dear friends with a few of the punters that come on a regular basis every time we're in Southampton Rooney comes to the gigs when Manchester Sid comes to the gigs we'll hang out

and it's aye just come and hang out with me it's Belter right your father hasn't changed much

he's fucking new new year's same dad your dad eats oranges like hippos eat watermelons he just sort of

tosses it out. I'm like, hum, hum. Sorry, my agent is trying to call me while I'm doing my dad jokes. Your dad method acted... Wait. Your dad method acted being a member, Barry, for a full week for no other reason than fake it till you make it. Member, I'm a member. Your dad wanks like he's starting a lawnmower. a berry for a full week for no other reason than fake it till you make it. Remember? I mean me.

Your dad wanks like he's starting a lawnmower in the garden and offers to do your neighbours as well. Your dad wet willies himself to sleep every night. Technically he cries himself to sleep but it's the wet willies that make him cry. When 14

children went missing over the course of six months in Blythe, your dad was questioned and he just kept on saying, a magician never reveals his secrets. And when finally pushed after 12 hours of interrogation, he finally just said, the first rule of fight club. Your dad watches porn through frosted glass because he thinks it should be censored. Your dad is doing yoga because he wants to be able to see his own butthole because he thinks it should be censored. Your dad is doing yoga

because he wants to be able to see his own butthole because he doesn't trust toilet paper. Fair, fair. Your dad keeps begging your grandad to play with his iPad when you're all out for a family meal. You toddler. Your mum gets your dad to do foreplay by making him chase a laser pointer

until she eventually lands it on her gash. Your dad caught his foreskin in his fly and styled it out as intentional by converting to journalism. Your dad can't shit unless he's making direct eye contact and can't stop until you look away. Your dad has a bum chin and it just so happens he's a bum man and he can't shave without cumming in his pants.

Your dad really enjoyed the movie American Pie and long story short, he fucked a Greggs cheese and bean pasty. Your dad throws bread at the ducks but he freezes the loaves first and throws them over him like bricks with a shoot to kill policy. Your dad thinks random security checks can be done by anyone at the airport and has ruined a lot of Sikh families

holidays before they even started Sikh families? Well He gets it so wrong He's a prick Your dad created a monster Nobody wants a Steve Martin no more They want Leslie, he's chopped liver Your dad created a monster Nobody wants a Steve Martin No more They want Leslie He's chopped liver

Your dad can lick his own elbow Before jumping from the top turnbuckle And driving it into your mum's midsection With the WWE women's belt Your dad booked himself in For a smear test Under a fake alias And then kicked off at the doctor

For assuming his gender when they wouldn't give him one like fucking Jessica you know you know who's that oh it's

again another rock it's not worth telling you after your dad doesn't wash so that when he does armpit farts your dad doesn't

wash so that when he does armpit farts you also get the smell your dad got jealous of you at the parent teachers meeting because they kept bringing you up instead of talking about him wash so that when he does armpit farts you also get the smell. Your dad got jealous of you at the parent-teacher's meeting because they kept bringing you up instead of talking about him. Happy New Year, cats. Go away.

That's a wrap.