Sloss and Humphries On The Road - New Year Same Seats

Episode Date: December 31, 2020

A farewell to 2020 podcast from ole Muggins and Cream to lift your spirits going into the new year. They read out your faux pas which lead into some embarrassing romantic encounters from their childhood. If you have any of those to contribute for our next episode please send them to [e-mail] Happy New Year  

Yeah, Danny, record a really slick intro. Hello, my name is Daniel Sloss. You may have seen me on such television shows as Robot Wars, The Adventures of Daniel, and 2012's Funniest Moments on BBC Three. Paul O'Grady. Oh, I did do that. This is our podcast where we talk about things like social faux pas

and romantic childhood things, as in romance during your childhood and not romancing children. It's not that kind of podcast, though we do talk about notches at one point. Should we start the podcast? Uh-huh. That's a great intro Thanks man

Sloss and Humphries On the road Muggins and cream Cream and muggins Straight thuggin' Livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles

Ticklin' the clit Inside your head That makes you laugh Woohoo Ha ha ha They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Ah muggles Accidental Rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Well, the muggins outside is frightful.

And the cream is so delightful. It's illegal to sing that now. Say you are delightful. Well, I would be if we weren't currently breaking the law. But I'll tell you the same thing I've been telling Cara for the past four days with everything that she's been singing. I'm a very Christmassy person. It is illegal to sing Christmas songs after Christmas.

Straight away. You're lucky it's straight up illegal. You're lucky I'm being cool about it. I'm fine with it, obviously. Are you watching Christmas movies in November? Aye, lucky it's straight up illegal. You're lucky I'm being cool about it. I'm fine with it, obviously. Because you were watching Christmas movies in November. Aye, because it's 2020. You don't care for the jurisdiction of when the season is. No, I do.

And also, that was just a battle I lost, okay? I put up resistance to the Christmas stuff going up in November. I just lost that battle. Right, and you've just lost this one? No, I've not. Because me and Piggy have been singing Christmas songs. Well, I'm just letting you know that it's illegal. It's against the law to do it.

I don't know the type of person you are. You're the type of person who stops drinking at midnight for dry January. What a horrible thing to say about another person. What a horrible thing to say about another person. Especially someone who's letting you stay in their house, you homeless bastard. I have a home. I just don't have the keys for it yet.

There's another family in there. Right, okay. Look, I don't agree with my own... So basically you're a cuck with your house. Somebody else is living in your house, you fucking cuck. Do you know I did that? Somebody else is living in your house, you absolute fucking house cuck. You're literally talking to the person who's living in your house, you fucking cuck. You know I did that. Somebody else is living in your house, you absolute fucking house cuck.

You're literally talking to the person who's living in your house. You fucking cuck. No. There's someone living in your house. That's just me being liberal and free spirit. That's just me. But I'm a cuck. You're a cuck.

Somebody else is living in your house. I'll walk past you. You're living in my house, but I'm also living here. That's fine. I'm sharing. I'm like polyamorous. You're a cuck and you're watching me live in your house but I'm also living here that's fine I'm sharing I'm like polyamorous you're what no you're a cuck

and you're watching me live in your house I'm not watching them no because I'm also living in my we're doing it together right so it's polyamory right at the very least

we're in a reciprocal fucking relationship that you're somebody else is living in your house you fucking cuck you know what I think while you're paying for it

you absolute cuck I think you're homophobic oi and that's the podcast it's a shame to have to end it there but there's no way we'll have a better joke

than that for the rest so always leave them wanting more see you in 2021 woo podcast over it's over and I did

I did this is just you know how I keep going once it's finished I'm just going to do that for like another 55 minutes aye roughly that's my cue

so I did walk past my house a couple of times even though there's a family living in it aye and I peered through

their window I'll open their presents on Christmas morning piss on the front door just the way I used to. I've absolutely cable-guided them. Aye. Aye.

I went into my house and had a little wander around the estate. I don't get that reference. Cable guy. Oh, it's a Jim Carrey movie where he overstayed his, like, he overstepped the line. I think I did watch it when I was younger. By miles. Like, you become part of the family when he was just the cable guy. It's been a long time since I've seen it. I think I didn't enjoy it because part of the family when he was just the cable guy it's been a long time

since I've seen it I think I didn't enjoy it because I think I went from like loving Ace Ventura to that and I think I was like too young for cable guy

he ends up like charming the guy's family and that like the guy who he's making the kill for the guy's like why is this fucking guy such a

wait so it's like a fucking white parasite aye aye pretty much have you seen Parasite yeah it's brilliant. I love that film because it changes gears

so many times. Like, you don't know what genre of film you're watching all the way through it. Aye. It's, eh... It was great.

Cara refused to watch it. She was like, if I'm going to read the subtitles, I might as well just read what the movie's about. And I'm like, that's not even close to true.

No. That's not even... Aye. no that's not even I just well she was like that's like going oh well I might as well just listen to it on mute then if they're going to say everything

like not mute no I was going to say that I might as well close my eyes and just listen to it if they're just going to say everything well I always wonder

you know how they've got the audio description for movies like what that's actually fucking like just to have because it's for people with no eyes

crows of god fucking whatever and it's a movie that while the dialogue's happening it's like oh and that's when Sherlock walks over to Watson

and he grabs him by the balls and then you hear Benedict Cumberbatch say fucking oh yeah I saw that on em but I've actually

never seen a full thing I wonder if it's too distracting because what if it's like a dialogue heavy movie but also where stuff's happening lots yeah I was watching I saw that on... But I've actually never seen a full thing. I wonder if it's too distracting. Because what if it's like a dialogue-heavy movie, but also where stuff's happening a lot? Yeah, I was watching a nature documentary on a Blu-ray

and it was weird because it was like, I didn't realise that that setting had been put on. So when I was narrating, I was also telling you what was happening on the screen. And I'm like, oh, so this is for visually impaired people so that they know what's happening with the picture also. But then I was like, why did they buy it on Blu-ray?

Just get the standard definition one for a couple of quid cheaper if you're not going to look at it. Here's a question. What do blind people want to do? What do blind people want to do? Aye. Probably ADSRM.

What's it called? What? ASL. It's not ASL. It's sex location. Here-L. Age, Sex, Location. Here we are on Habbo Hotel. Age, Sex, Location. That's how I used to start every conversation in nightclub.

Nightclub on Habbo Hotel. Fucking mind I'm a same messenger. Why do you keep saying Habbo Hotel? Habbo Hotel. Did you not play Habbo Hotel? Nah. Oh, God. This is like you said a couple of times before, like, thinking, what the fuck are you talking keep saying Hablo Hotel Hablo Hotel Did you ever play Hablo Hotel Nah Oh god I just like you said

A couple of times before Like thinking What the fuck Are you talking about Hablo Hotel Did you ever play Neopets Is that ringing any bells

I know that Neopets exist You plant seeds in them And they grow crests as hair No Not even close Well forget I said that then you said it was so much confidence no one should know what you're talking about

what? you plant seeds in them and they're like it's like a it's like a pet like it could be like a hedgehog or something and then you plant the crest oh right

okay I don't know what no those aren't those aren't neopets is it chia pets? no that would be something to do with chia seeds oh maybe chia they're not crests then? What?

Look, there's something that you plant seeds in, you can get a chia head, and it grows hair. I don't know why a chia head is, but it sounds racist. Like, I don't know what it gets to, but I'm just telling you, that felt like a slur.

We might have to beep this one if it is. Wait, what are the... Cheer Pets and Cheer Heads. Oh, Neopets, right. Neopets,

so what are they then? Neopets was a fucking internet site, which was like, I don't know, it was just back in the days when the internet was just the internet. Back in the days of Kaza,

it was... Choo Choo Rocket. Aye, aye, well, it was in the Dreamcast game. Aye, that was the first internet back in the days of Kaza it was Choo Choo Rocket aye aye well it was in the Dreamcast game aye that was the first internet game I played it had like a delay

of about 3 seconds this one was actually on the PC but it was on a web browser so you'd pick your like pet and you'd level it up but there was just

lots of mini games to get money and it was kind of I don't know man it was a thing that kids got fucking addicted to. It was, you know,

I played it fucking every day. And the Habbo Hotel was another version that came out, but it was like the first ever fucking chat room, but you had to make your own little avatar guy, and then you would walk around this building with other people, other fucking teenagers. And that was what everyone did to ASL.

Right. And it was like the fucking, you could walk around, you could have a room, and you could set your room to private, you'd be in school, you could walk around you could have a room you could take your room to private you'd be in school you'd be in my private room

and you could pay money to have furniture online it was like the first it was immensely fucking popular when I was in high school amongst me and my three friends amazing

so I missed out on that game aspect of walking around but I got the internet when I was like in my teens so like 16, 17 maybe I was working at the time I around but I got the internet when I was like in my teens so like 16, 17 maybe I was working at the time

I remember but I used to be chatting the lasses on like MSN and that and on Yahoo why? Yahoo chat rooms I used to go on Yahoo chat rooms

and challenge people if they wanted a battle rap oh god that's the whitest sentence I've ever heard but mate you used to go on Yahoo with text

text battle rap on people so just because I wanted to write rhymes no no no right no no

so since you weren't actually doing it face to face it's not battle rap so what you were doing is you were challenging people to a poetry off aye

there was no battle rap about it about it you were just like poory aye so that was a nice twist you managed

to put on my head aye but I called it battle rap aye I know you did that's why I'm here now correcting it I would battle rap some people would

do it some people would join in with just quick legs just you and other 13 year old girls hit each other with a couple of

Raymond couplets couple of stanzas whip them in my eye slinging verses with a 13 year old pre-meds everyone else was trying to get laid

I was just looking for blokes that wanted to throw down I remember as well I got chatting with a girl on Yahoo for a bit

she was from North Carolina no no Korea oh that's why she was like I shouldn't be online and I remember

I printed a picture out of that and took the picture to work to show one of my mates. Well done. What? You skill killer. I was like, look, this lass I've been chatting to on the internet. You didn't have camera phones, really, did you?

You couldn't send us a picture? I said, send us a picture off a digital camera. I sent it to my computer. I can't take my computer into work to show my mate who I've been chatting up. So I'm like, look at this lass I've been chatting up and it was like a fucking grainy printout of her that

I need to see that scene in a sitcom of your life which by the way will be one of the saddest scenes in the world one of the saddest scenes in the world

guys excited to get a girlfriend for the first time open some pictures of her and then a three minute scene of you trying to get the printer to work aye show me mate

look look I was I was a fucking I started running out you fucking loser started running out of a specific colour of ink

in the rest of my face as a kind of heavy cyan I just like a like a bright pink colour I swear well don't you keep mentioning

Yahoo and I feel remiss I didn't tell that story I don't know if I used that word properly remiss aye I like it

thanks man just try it just try it on just try it just see how it feels in your mouth doesn't roll the word remiss around your mouth

just put it out just casually throw it into conversation see where it falls down and I'll just keep putting it into conversation until somebody corrects me on my it falls down and I'll just keep putting it into conversation until somebody corrects me on my use of it

and then I'll know what it means no it would be remiss of me not to let you just do that I concur why are you trying to concur as well are you

it's my new year's resolution is to have a much larger lexicon one of my first different experiences in start-up

I think I was about 18 or 19 is this a Yahoo story right so I've got Yahoo we're like hey

we want to find the next fucking Facebook like the next fucking messenger amongst kids we think it's going to be

Yahoo mail we need somebody young who's going to hit the teenage market be the face of it well not be the face of it but like go on

like do a fucking press day on the radio right do a fucking press day on the radio where it's just five hours

in the studio just be like oh so here's all here's Daniel Sloss and he's here to talk about Yahoo fucking whatever it was and you'd started

stand up at the time so it's like 2008 I've been doing it for about two years and this was so it was like the year facebook was born it was in the infancy of facebook and we're looking forward to compete with it i might have been 20 i might have been 20 or 19 but it was like early on and uh but it's like four hours a match it's the same fucking question so what is it oh it's an emailing platform just for teenagers to be able to communicate with the youth for younger people

blah blah blah but the guys from Yahoo were in the other room just to make sure I didn't fuck up and I kept fucking up because so many times in interviews

they'd be like so how do we find out more about this thing and I'd be like I don't know just Google it and they were like no

no don't use Google no that's our main guy and you're saying this in the press meetings and that no on the radio

while plucking like the Yahoo mail stuff oh no so I'm on the radio the guy's like hey so Daniel what are you here for I'm here to talk about

Yahoo mail it's this new thing for the younger generation it's like emails but it's cooler it's fucking hepper how can we find it more Daniel Google it

Google it then hi hi welcome to welcome to Coke welcome to our corporate students how can I

how can I help you oh just here for the tour can I get a Coke we don't have any is Pepsi okay Pepsi okay so you lost the job then no no

they still paid me but wow paid you off paid me for those ones paid you off like panto aye but there was no point when they came back

I'm like oh he's also I didn't take no point where they came back and were like, oh, he's... Also, they didn't take off. So, just to backtrack, what did you say your New Year's resolution was for this year? Oh, I've got thousands. Right, let's talk about that in a second. Did you achieve everything you wanted to achieve this year for New Year's resolutions in 2020?

No. Well, no, but they did start off so good and then the spanner went in the works and I was like you know what we'll just leave that there because can I I mean

we should really before we've done this podcast have listened back to last year's podcast at this time to see what we wanted to achieve but I think calling back

is we wanted to take a bit more time off and I think we fucking nailed that I think we knocked that out of the park

as far as the New Year's resolution goes. I was just saying that to Karen there. I was like, it's so funny because she was like, when we came back from LA, we were meant to go to Altitude and then after Altitude, I was going to be back for like two days

or one day, then it was straight to Australia and then I would have been back and it would have been on holiday. Go to Bali? No, no, been on holiday with her for about three months off. I used to go to Budapest. Aye, and I remember being so excited,

so excited about the concept of three months off. I was like, can you imagine three months off? I'd be mad. I'd be the most mad I've ever had. I'm not going to know what to do with myself. I've just had a thought there as well. This is fucking brilliant. Was your Christmas present to Cara not these holidays

you didn't get anything for Cara last Christmas and then you came in and bought her the better gift oh yeah I sent it back we haven't spoken about this already have we because we haven't done a podcast in so long I saw you making sl in so long I saw you

making slush puppies because I saw you smashing up ice and then you showed us let me tell the audience everything that

you would have seen you would have seen me say to Cara do you want a slush puppy Cara said the words yes me getting up going downstairs

to get a bunch of ice putting it in a disc smashing it up with a rolling pin. I was watching telly, this was happening, I had to pause it

because it was loud. And then you saw us get out the slush puppy make sure that we've got. You walked over to me and went, have you seen these? You actually did?

Yeah. Went back, went up to the second kitchen where you couldn't see us. You must have had some grinding for a while. Yeah, like a food processor. Something makeshift.

Aye. And then I just come down and give you a slush puppy, along with the two slush puppies we had. We had a great old time. And you, in your genius go, fucking hell. I know what they'd love. A slush puppy machine. So I went on findmeagift.com.

Hi. Found slush puppy. You did. Bought you a slush puppy machine. Uh-huh. Walked downstairs proud of myself. Uh-huh. Put some rice in the microwave

and saw right next to the microwave that I use every day. And what did you see there? A slightly smaller slush puppy machine so for Cara's birthday this year I bought her a slush puppy machine

because Cara fucking loves slush puppies now because of fucking lockdown I was ready to fully just buy her

like a big ass fucking slush puppy machine and go fuck it all out who gives a shit I've got a strange like a cafeteria one with the girls

because I would have done I would have just gone back from the fucking Australian tour right and it would have been and then it would have been the fridge coming

up and I would have been like fuck it I'll spend the money who gives a shit but obviously the way this year's gone I'm like I'll just buy the smaller fucking slush

machine live within your means I say I said that Cara was like go for the smaller one if you buy an expensive one I will fucking kill you do not get an expensive one I was like all right I'll go for that I know I say I said that Cara was like go for the smaller one if you buy an expensive one I will fucking kill you

do not get an expensive one I was like alright I'll get the I'll get the cheap one God get that right that was her birthday present

because humble very humble because because her Christmas present was two holidays that had been cancelled so

two holidays that had been cancelled and then get the one thing that she didn't get for any of her Christmases when she was younger one thing she really wanted a fucking slush bin machine the cheaper version get the one thing that she didn't get for any of her Christmases when she was younger one thing she really wanted a fucking slush bin machine the cheaper version

not the one I wanted to buy her you for a black Christmas wanted to buy her the better version of my birthday present yes

and I did and I bought it and it arrived in just you should fucking see the size of ring I'm getting Natalie for Christmas

that's why I'm doing it. So when I saw the sorrow in your eyes, I sent it back. It's got you something else instead. We've got you a multitude of gifts,

one of which was how to get your children who are fussy eaters to have nutrients. It's basically a cookbook of how to disguise nutrients into your meals.

It's good and nice, but it's also like it's when you... You can't trick yourself. It's like trying to tickle yourself their meals. It's good in that sense, but it's also like, it's when you... You can't trick yourself. It's like trying to tickle yourself. You'll know they're in there. I know. I can do it for me. If it's pure it's... When I'm just reading, I'm like, these aren't going to work. Because they'll work with kids. Because like,

Karen's picky, but she's also not stupid. Babies are picky and stupid. They're like, I don't like peas. And you're like, but do you like a smiley face? And the baby's like, well, of course I like smiley faces. Yum, yum, yum. And then he eats all the peas.

I'm going to eat a smiley face right up. Aye, aye. And that doesn't work with car. Kids would go, I would absolutely cannibalise someone's face. Of course I would. Duh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not eating any of that fucking shit right there. What about if it was a plane full of people? Well, fucking open me up. No. Yeah, I'm a giant Godzilla. As opposed to the smaller ones. So I should cut out a slush pot machine. Now it's just got a cookbook you won't use.

Amongst other things. How was your Christmas? Everyone's dying to know. Everyone's like, oh, it's nearly 20 minutes in and I haven't talked about the Christmases yet. It was good. Here we are, next.

I was... Man, man, Colin went all out and we fucked up. What? So, this year,

I don't know if it's because last year I bought everyone Christmas presents and I was like, fuck it, because the tour was over last year. Oh yeah, you just did an 18 month and I was like fuck it because I was just like the tour was over last year oh yeah you just did an 18 month tour

and got paid for it right and I was just I was on a proper Christmas but I was like everyone gets everything whereas this year I was like live within your means now everyone's getting you

a gift back and you're being frugal no no no you're like oh it's backfired no no no I'm cashing in on the con I started a year ago

this is exactly what I knew this pandemic was coming. So, I can't even remember what I got called on last year, but I remember being like, oh, this is too much. This year,

I think he spent about like 50, I think 80 quid. Because it was the fucking Mario Kart racer thing. Oh, the augmented reality one. So you could set up a racetrack in your living room aye but it's actually

it's actually there I opened it up and I was like that's a present I'd expect from Cara from Cullen and we were like

oh fuck we got you we got you and we're looking into the Christmas tube and we're going oh shit and thankfully

there's no way Colin will listen to this so he doesn't know we haven't got him we've got my present now aye but you just had to quickly like

100% get him some essential essential goods that are for sale at the moment just get him a fucking nude ball

for his laugh something from the garage high vis aye a big Toblerone aye one of them one of them

reflective triangles that you put five metres behind your vehicle when you've broke broke down air freshener disguises and necklace I got the mask I was telling the listeners who care a great deal well they also didn't ask but well but I've got their ears now you close yours if you want to I'll just tell them. I got Hollow Knight for the Switch and I got so fucking addicted to it over the Christmas.

I went out with these parents and all I wanted to do was play Hollow Knight. But sometimes you have to be sociable. In Hollow Knight? Sometimes you've got to be sociable just in the house. Chat, watch stuff together like Bond. now like sometimes you've got to be sociable just in the house you're not like chat watch stuff together like Bond and you're just like

you're just itching for a moment when you can pick up your PS what's it called the Switch itching for a moment you can pick up your Switch and what I realise as well right Natalie's not bored

if I'm sat reading a book but if I'm playing on my game when I put my headphones on she'll be like oh you're playing on your game are you and like it's not it's not just a question that what is it it's like oh really you're playing on your game are you and like it's not it's not it's not

just a question that what is it it's like oh really you're gonna get in your own little bubble in your own little world and just leave me here is that where you're going is it but when i'm reading a book i'm also doing that but this is the thing when i'm reading a book she can still belt feed me everything that comes into my mind even though you shouldn't i'm reading a book all right but if i've got my headphones on trying to be the boss you can't aye I'm reading a book aye but if I've got my headphones on aye trying to be the boss you can't really interrupt that to say have you seen the moon

man she's got the same fucking rule that taxi drivers have taxi drivers if you but as a wife she should have those privileges

no no but taxi drivers if you're reading a book will be like how's your fucking day but if you're on your phone they'll leave you alone you go no like you'll be saying it's're on your phone, they'll leave you alone. You go, no.

You'll be saying, is that on your phone? They'll be like, oh, no, I'll leave you. You're working. I'm absolutely not. I'm browsing shit. But you sit there and read a book and they'll be like, how's your day? None of your fucking business. I wish books came with a bit more respect for that in a world.

You're suspending the disbelief. There should not be a more universal sign in the world of fuck off and don't talk to me unless absolutely necessary

aye because you kind of build the fucking it should be as sacred as seeing someone on the phone

when you see someone on the phone you go oh fuck my voice they're on the phone there you walk in the

room you see someone reading you go hey John oh he's fucking reading sorry man

what you should do if you see someone reading you go hey John oh he's fucking reading sorry man what you should do if you see someone reading is you're like is the information I'm about to say good for them or is it just good for me if it's just good for you

let them read that fucking book unless it's really vital for you like have you seen me keys aye Natalie you've got to think I'm broadcasting Shane here it wasn't as bad as I made it out

but well I mean the belt feeding comment makes it feel like it was bad I mean yeah she does belt feeders information all the time

that is good I do like that I do like that in my relationship is that she's constantly giving us little tidbits Gara

Gara will tap me on the shoulder to turn around to look at the cat ah yeah just randomly it's very sweet it doesn't bother me Cara Cara will tap me on the shoulder to turn around to look at the cat oh yeah just randomly it's very sweet it doesn't bother me yet

but thank fuck it thank god I'm high most of the time if there's a big moon or if it's snowing I can't get on 30 seconds without having to look at it

I can't honestly I can't get on 30 seconds without going look at the snow I'm like what the same snow that was there this morning and I feel a bit bad because she is so

like it's so adorable man she's so fucking fascinated by the snow and just so fascinated by the moon and it's like I wish I could feel what she was feeling about but we're just so much but we're just so much smarter

so I just can't I just can't I just can't I'm just not that simple I'm sorry the cat doesn't impress me every fucking time there's no no

it's look look at this look it's amazing I've went to the moon before she's done it with the plants look at the plants they've grown

in an inf class it's good I just I wish I could share it do you know how many times I have plants look at the plants they've grown in an if class it's good I just I wish I could share it do you know how many times I have to look at Ray just because she's got little paws

look at her little paws yeah I'm like uh huh and it's again it's so fucking sweet but the reason

the reason obviously it's absent finished because it is a very very sweet thing and there is this sort of jealousy of God you know I wish I found that much joy

but then also man I say the most mundane shit to her sometimes aye alright fuck man if they had their podcast thank God they don't

if they had their podcast it would be a lot more like these are like almost like we're looking for something to whinge about like we're really digging deep to find we're whinging

because they're being adorable aye aye but their one their one would be as long as a Joe Rogan podcast theirs they're being adorable but their one would be as long as a Joe Rogan podcast four hours

no ads theirs would be to do with bodily functions and smells that we're making like real inconveniences

to their life well no they can get over I don't know what girls want boys to do with

farts apart from do them Natalie was playing a belt for me today because I went to the post office

and I was like oh will you go to the pharmacy and get to the post office and I was like, oh, will you go to the pharmacy and get some Anusol? And she was like, I can't do that. I can't do that. I can't get an Anusol. They'll think it's for me.

I was like, it's so much, it's just a pharmacy. See, it's for me. You need to get that off your chest. I went to the post office when I come, which she'd been in.

She went, you do know I had to really fucking overcome some mental barriers to get you this. There's, which should be an inch, she went, you do know I had to really fucking overcome some mental barriers to get you this, there's no good way for you. And it's, I don't know if I've had this rant before,

but I'm having it again, it's the fucking name of it, it's called Anusol, fucking anus oil, I'm making it fancy, it's called anus oil, right, Anusol.

I think that's class, so I'm really glad they did that. See, thrush cream, I do not mind going in and saying can I get some canister and joe but if it was like

oh hey you got some throbbing bill in your soul please you'd fucking you'd stutter aye you'd stutter put that on your soul

behind the fucking desk as well so you have to ask for it it's a cunt move I think it's I think it's good I think it just does what it says

on the tin aye I don't think it's the I think it just does what it says on the tin aye I don't think it's the Latin for it maybe it is the medical term would probably be like physio-moxisol

or something like that and it would probably be a lot easier also calling it anisol does make it sound like it's in the aerosol family it makes it sound

like it's a spray but it does have a tube I totally didn't know about this exploding it in my hand Natalie's told us a couple of times

that we'll keep repeating stories on the podcast alright so we need new stories but I'm like this podcast's like nearly 200 now is it

and we do like several stories per podcast we've nearly had a million total downloads do you know that no no you do

bit of admin so I put the long nozzle up my bum How long? Well it's probably about two inches long

but in our days I put it in about an inch so it's like half way up It's only two inches long but I'll be

honest I put it in about three so that's just me thumbing me forth to spread it out right to the knuckle

and eh I gave it a squeeze I didn't even care if I've told this story before you're hearing it twice I gave it a squeeze I mean you definitely have I think I might have

just told you it oh right well I mean you've definitely told me before I cast my eyes oh look it exploded in me hand

and I had a I had a handful of fucking anusol and then when I pulled it out of my arse it still had the fucking lid on so I tried to squeeze it with the lid on opened my arse and the fucking gland of the lid didn't fire up into my fucking intestine

so anyway that's why I needed new stuff so even even if that was a previously on Kai's butthole woes it's your new year's resolution

to be less of a fucking mess I don't know how to deal with that though how do I how do I be less of a take the lid off

before you jump out of your eye you don't have to fucking deal with it nah alright fair new year's resolutions right I'm going to

drink drink plenty of water I think that's manageable we can do that meditate daily it's because it's something where I was in my best headspace fucking sounds like

I'm doing product placement I'm in my best headspace when I'm waking up when I used to wake up every day now I just use it infrequently like twice a week

maybe I've done the opposite I've not used it in three or four weeks because I've just gone because the brakes went on and I'm like I'm leaning I'm steering into this town ah really well because I know and because that's where I like to treat January first because I know I do

I know I'm doing full on sober January I know I do my news resolution so I doing full on sober January. I know I do my news resolution so I'm like fucking hit the brakes. I've been doing that with food. Spit off the fucking road. With food I've done that because I know that

I'm going to set myself straight in January. It gives us this almost like license to just be a cunt with food now. Like just even then like going into the pie shop and buying three pies.

One of them was macaroni and cheese pie. Is that a fucking Scottish thing? Well, it's just called a macaroni pie. It's like nobody's... You don't need to say macaroni and cheese. Nobody thinks it's just fucking macaroni. Just the shape.

Just boiled pasta in a pie. They know it's macaroni and cheese. It's a macaroni pie. It's such a Scottish thing to just have carbs. We got carbs. Aye, no. I think that's you know

normally you'd have like a carby pastry with a protein filling or something like that right but like

go now can you fill it with carbs as well please so I had one of them and a couple

other pies and I'm just like I'm just leaning like I said turning the skid to prepare

for one month of marijuana I've been stoned every day for six months I had edibles yesterday you had two I had the slush puppy at the skid to prepare for one month of marijuana I've been stoned every day for six months I had edibles yesterday

you had two I had the slush puppy you had a gummy as well didn't you Aye Callan's cousin had Snitch

No Aye I probably shouldn't well who gives a shit fuck him they were like it's one of their friends has given them an edible but they don't do much weed so they took like a bite of it they were like it's one of their friends has given them an edible

but they don't do much weed so they took like a bite of it they were like it was way too much for us we had a bad time do you guys want it? so last week maybe it was two weeks ago

I was just alone in the house kind of gone off to do yoga so it must have been before the lockdown skipped in and I was like

it can't be that fucking strong I'm looking on the back and this is 600mg I'm like that is a. I'm looking on the back and this is 600 milligrams. I'm like, that is a lot. 300 milligrams is a lot. This is a small sweet. I'll take half a bite and see what happens.

And then fucking an hour later, I was on the moon. And I smoke a lot. So I was like, if this has affected me like this, this would kill any other mere mortal. So you took less last night no I did the same amount

last night but your tolerance has built up because you've been well I know so I was just more prepared for it this time you knew it was coming

aye didn't fucking I was blast off when when we watched the night before which is one of my favourite Christmas films now

the Seth Rogen one it's great which I didn't realise as well you know the lad who plays Falcon who's in it, he plays Falcon and now Captain America in the Marvel Universe that's Papa Doc from 8 Mile do you know that?

I didn't know that but now I know so I watched that on one of them slush puppies and then I had another one and it centers over the edge as far as

like we watched Big Mouth and we watched Rick and Morty after that right now I could keep up with the individual jokes and enjoy the individual jokes but any hope

of clinging on to the plot of any of those two cartoons was fucking gone like short term memory was a like when I say obliterated

I mean like I could have paused it and fucking dug deep trying to work out what the episode was about

and I couldn't have found my way there but if you press play I could enjoy each individual joke so I wasn't like out my tits

I could still enjoy what was in front of us but the minute time passed everything that had just happened was gone

and I lost I lost 100% of my short term memory and just had to ride it just had just happened was gone and I lost I lost 100% of my short term memory and just had to ride it just had to ride it out and then put myself to bed that's what I'm looking

forward to in January having a month off waiting just finding out I genuinely want to find out what my memory's like

I see if it's better well because I don't know how I know I don't have a memory it's not shit shit but I do know there's sometimes I just I'm just not paying attention I think most of the time I don't have a memory it's not shit shit but I do know there's sometimes

I just I'm just not paying attention I think most of the time I don't think it's actually like I'm forgetful I think it's whenever Cara thinks I'm listening to her I'm just looking at her eyes

and thinking about fucking Halo or something I thought you just thought that was the end of the sentence I'm just looking into her eyes and thinking about fucking just biting your lip while she's

talking but it hurts to get it to start flapping I see you think your attention span is that what it is it's not so much

your memory it's just you know paying attention well no I could just feel myself fucking turning

into my dad like my dad had like you could sit beside my dad and be like dad dad

dad and if my dad's thinking about something else there's no getting his attention until you physically touch him but in the same thing if it was like three in the morning and I was woken up with like a sore tummy and I was about to spew

and I was to open his door and I was to whisper dad he'd be up in a fucking second so it was like selective urgency hearing yeah like if he knew it wasn't an emergency but you must if you've got kids though

you must have to switch off because they're they're always wanting to when I talk about like belt feeding your conversation like when kids do that like at least

like if your partner is attacking you they've got something to say they're fucking grown ups but there's fucking no way the kid could tell you so you must switch that off aye

it's that great Louis CK bit RIP yeah the bit where he's talking about you know a kid could tell you so you must switch that off hi it's that great louis ck bit r.i.p and yeah the bit we're talking about you know nothing my kid has to say of any value oh yeah he did have that but didn't he so was that along the same vein as that he switches them out what was the yeah the whole thing he's like my kid's talking he's dragging his kids through a suit uh shopping mall he's like she's talking the entire time of course she's talking i'm not listening i don't listen to everything she is nothing she has to say anything she's talking the entire time of course she's talking I'm not listening I don't listen to everything she says nothing she has to say

has any fucking power anything that she's three years old she's got nothing interesting to say God he had some great bits before he retired as a human yeah

not before he died Kai he's dead R.I.P gone too soon Viking send off I think I think I think

one of my main New Year's resolutions is to be more informed but have less opinions yes that would be great because this is what I've done right

since I'm going to say June, July I haven't read any news and when I say I mean I've cut down on news

I don't go on the app I don't listen to any news podcasts I don't put the news on I don't like I mean I've cut down on news. I don't go on the app, I don't listen to any news podcasts, I don't put the news on, I don't like, I don't read a paper, like, zero news.

Sometimes, I'll say a tweet, and try and reverse engineer what's happened from the joke. So, my news is back engineered from comedians jokes about the thing that's happened. And I have to do that with fucking headlines. You might have to do that with fucking headlines anyway you know what you've read but what actually happened have a few free phrase

this in a particular way to get clicks now I'm gonna have to backwards manufacture what actually happened to find out you know so yeah yeah the more I kept myself informed the more of an opinion I had and the more of an opinion I had the more I'd fall out with the more of an opinion I had, and the more of an opinion I had, the more I'd fall out with people because I was, like, I wanted to change how they thought. I wanted to change their ways of thinking. And I wanted to, like,

if somebody's getting news from one source and that source has got its own agenda and it's fucking just feeding it, telling them how to think, I'd want to try and give them a more balanced view and say like, now what do you think that you've got the more balanced view? But sometimes when you're talking to someone,

they don't want to change. So if you give them something that may change their opinion, they want to fight you. So I ended up having fucking rows with people that I love. And I'm like, oh, you know what would be better? If I just didn't have any knowledge

so that their knowledge didn't butt hurt us. Oh, so they didn't fucking react. So they didn't react. So the conversation could be shallow instead of deep and then it would move on from it pretty quick and then you'd find some common ground on something else, like football. I think my one is to be...

So I feel a lot stupider, but I'm falling out with people a lot less and I don't know what's the one is to be so I feel a lot stupider but I'm falling out with people a lot less and I don't know what's the best place to be is it better to be smarter and fall out with people more? I don't think I don't think necessarily I don't mean smarter but by informed I mean like more in the sense of

to try and understand instead of knowing more about a subject to beat the other instead of knowing more about a subject to beat the other side of the fucking argument try and understand why the fuck they think that way more because I do believe that the wedge that's between

society has been driven in by being driven in by someone keeping us arguing with each other and I do think it's the only way to get past it is to try and go why do other people think that way? And where's the fucking common ground in it? Because here's the one thing the left and the right both agree on.

We both hate pedos. We all, and, and, we both think the other side is filled with pedos. And that's how well they've driven the wedge between us. We think they're pedos. They think we're pedos.

But we both hate pedos, but we're not on the same team, because we both think each other are pedos. The pedos have driven a wedge between us. They've got us fucking doing that Spider-Man meme, pointing at each other. The one thing the left and right can always unify on is...

Hate for pedos. We fucking hate pedos, man. They're the worst. Because you'd think it would be Nazis you'd think that would be the bet

where we're like can we all agree those were bad but no it's pedos which is fine I guess I mean

there's a debate what's actually worse for the world pedo or Nazis according to both the left and the right, common ground is Nazis.

Do you know who a Nazi Nazi is? There must have been the Pope. I'm just letting you run with this, Randy. I'm just sitting back now, just rubbing my head. I'm just enjoying my last... I'm just enjoying my last bit of marijuana for fucking 31 days maybe longer

maybe longer what massive disaster do you think is going to happen today in the grand finale of 2020 or do you think it's just going to be like Game of Thrones

and just fizzle out right at the end no yeah man I think 2021 I think 2021 will be shit for a bit like I do reckon the start of it

is going to be crap just because oh here we go let's get some premonitions on record this can only end 2021 will be shit for a bit. Like, I do reckon the start of it is going to be crap. Just because... Oh, here we go. Let's get some premonitions on record. This can only end. No, no. I'll say this. I'm blindly optimistic about 2021.

Well, I think... I'm like, back to normal by August. 2020... And that's based on no evidence. 2020 already got off to a better start than 2021. Because 2020 started like, there was no lockdown. I went on holiday. I went skiing.

I went to fucking South Africa, Antigua. My life was fucking flying up until March. Whereas in 2021, you got in, everything's still locked down. You've got no work in the diary. 2021 is starting off worse than 2020, however positive you want to be. You can change your perspective. Disagree.

2021 is starting off with Scotland qualifying for a major tournament and Donald Trump's not the president. Australia isn't unfair? Okay, so one negative. Okay, so 2020 was slightly better okay it pimps it this time alright

you're not picking up what I'm putting down no no no I think after 10 years of friendship I've got our chemistry pretty spot on alright so like my ambitions I've got our chemistry pretty spot on. So, like, my ambitions are so fucking low for 2021. It's like, you know, this is what my New Year's resolutions are, right? I want to drink more water and I want to meet my bills. There you go.

If I can drink plenty of water and make me bills I'll be alright no I've got a I'm going to I've got a thousand things because I know I know they're going to I know I'm going to drop them along the way

but I'm just like if I carry more more will make it across the finish line well you know I mean I think it'll be harder to carry them all so right

is it all is it all habits yeah so basically my plan is right because i know i'm doing sober january my plan is to use that time of obviously extra focus because i'm not going to be stoned all day long i'm going to be hung over in seven days it's to habit form during that month right because habit forming is a very important thing to do and and it really does fucking work

there's a good book on it called Atomic Habits I think and Atomic Habits Atomic Habits and it's just the science of habits and what not

it's a very interesting read but if basically if you just continuously do things at a certain time with a certain podcast

playing whatever you can just build habits and then hopefully that will carry me through the fucking rest of the year. So that even after sober January, even when I do go back to fucking, you know, drinking on occasion, having a puff of weed every now and again, the habits are so ingrained in me that I still do them. Now you're not going to wobble. So what are the habits? What are the thousand things?

No, no, I'm not, that's where I draw the line. I'm not telling people what are the habits what are the thousand things no no I'm not that's where I draw the line I'm not telling people what the fucking habits are because otherwise you get instant gratification from telling people what your things are and then you don't

actually do them that's part of the process I don't know if that's part of that process but that's definitely a fact I heard from somewhere else because I find that I like to tell people

I'm going to do a thing because then you have to do it or you start getting a reputation of being a gobshite but I already have the reputation I like to tell people I'm going to do a thing because then you have to do it or you start getting the reputation of being a gobshite but I already have

the reputation of being a gobshite so there's no I can't you don't want to be like oh is he he has one of his wild schemes

one of his wild plans that he's not going to do man my you are every day I've got a new idea I'm like this one

and she listens and she listens like a coke head with a business idea man every day I've got a new idea for Cara. I'm like, this one we're going to do today. She's like, alright. And she listens. Like a coke head with a business idea. Man, every day I come up with new shit. Cara's like, uh-huh. And she smiles and she listens and she goes, mm-hmm. And then her and Natalie mention it on their podcast.

Now it's like, what did he say he was going to do this week? Alright, so here he fucking goes. He says he's going to cycle every day can't doesn't have a bike full pass oh yeah a print a print

what excuse me 42 minutes in of of mild banter what did you call this is all you call this a fucking wanker can this be one of your new resolutions

to be a bit more polite to your best friend? I mean... So I've printed out a couple of pages because we've got a few emails. Thanks everyone for emailing, by the way, mugginsandcream at gmail.com. Oh, so you did find it out. mugginsandcream at gmail.com, yeah.

And I'll put it in the description as well so that you know how to spell it I'll put it in the description of the podcast for you

if you ever want to email us with any funny stories we're currently working off four pars I'll start with this one

I've printed out a couple I'm sorry if I don't get round to yours but we don't have time for them there has been a few thank you very much

for sending them in this one's from Connor we're going to use names right right this is from Connor

when I was 14 or so I was breaking up with my girlfriend at the time legend my mum suggests get this I made you 14

little fucking hard work 14 is like this for me a wee Cliff Richards bye baby bye baby met someone

in year 5 get fucked different school wouldn't know hit the road, bub. I just need a bit of space for the stuff that I'm doing at 14, like these pogs aren't going to click themselves. Later tootsie.

I'm sure you'll find someone great. Baby, baby, baby, it's not me, it's you. You need to be dumped. So, Conor went to his mum for advice right oh god already oh do you mean i went to his mum for advice he doesn't say that but his mom gave some advice um i'll say it how it's worded and my mum suggested i talked to her dad first terrible advice mum whoa wait wait wait wait i wait, wait. Terrible advice! Wait, I'll tell you. No, I'll tell you.

Wait, so... Like, in the way that you're meant to... You're meant to ask... That's a proposal. First of all, first of all, and we'll put this on there. If you asked... If you asked your father-in-law's permission

to marry your wife, you are a fucking little loser, boy. Excuse me, you know... You know I emailed Bobby. you know I emailed Bobby. You little, you little, you whipped motherfuckers. Oh, my God. You know, I sent him a strongly worded letter. Fucking man, fucking Karen's dad.

Dave will find out when he's fucking told. I'm not asking his permission. What's he going to do? It's a courtesy, of course, he's done. Oh, please, can I marry your daughter? No, no, no. You're you fucking loser you're going to do it anyway

I read your email you were on your knees in the email you're going to do it anyway but just for the record I was in Australia when I bought the ring I was proposing in Thailand

I wasn't popping back to Scotland just to ask so I had to write an email real cop out so I waited until his football team I waited until

his football team had won and he was in a good mood aye he splashed water on the email so that he'd be crying and I emailed him like asked for his approval

like do you approve of this if this is happening please may I marry your daughter Mr Lange please no it was good like I would have asked that.

Someone else living in your house asking permission to marry your wife. He's probably not even going to ask Cora. He's probably just going to date. He's probably just going to drag her down the aisle. She's like, oh, where are we going? I'll take the blindfold off in a minute. That'd be great. Oh my God, I should do that.

On secret wedding, she'd be chuffed with that. No, she wouldn't. She wants to plant em em sorry so so so mum does the opposite

mum goes ask her ask her dad if you can dump her ring her dad and see if you can break her heart just go

just go ring her dad and see yeah sir yeah yeah Mr I don't know

Mr Wright em what I just want to shag all the people dad and say yeah sir yeah Mr I don't know whatever Mr Wright what I just want to shag all the people you know what I'm saying you have a 14 year old daughter

that's pussy just doing isn't enough isn't enough for me needs I need to get I need to get me little 14 year old

cock around the block a little bit before I settle down so sir any advice on how to tell the one no no the young one

oh sorry not that young I mean I don't know if she was 14 actually he was she might have been like 20, 21

finish the email stop interrupting when I was 14 or so I was breaking up with my girlfriend at the time and my mum suggested I talk to her dad first

so I called him up wild have you got a moment that's how he opened the phone call and he was like yeah I'm just in the car he's like I need to

break up with your daughter same surname here aye she was also in the car oh and it was obviously on play too it was on the

oh god it was on the speaker in his car oh god he was like I need to break up with your daughter and his daughter was just in the back

eh come here yous come here yous I wouldn't I wouldn't like that's where it ends right he's like

it still makes me wince oh boy that's em but eh fuck man I'd oh I mean there's a lot to

there's a lot to cringe yourself into a ball in the shower about that I can understand that but oh god no I mean it's still we're going to absolve you of your sins in a second but just let it come

I just had a cringe don't live in the cringe just dip in it and go ooh that's a cringey moment and then I'm not going back in that for a while I'm going to stay with that little cesspit of cringe

that's class though because when you're in your teens as well there's so much cringy you're still figuring out the world aren't you I was waiting

for my husband to come home from work late one evening and when I saw his headlights through the window I decided to greet him

I went to the door and thought I'd welcome him home by lifting up my shirt and shaking my naked breast at him through the window I decided to greet him I went to the door and thought I'd welcome him by lifting up my shirt and shaking my naked breast at him through the window of the front door classic move

great move good wife good wife talked here fucking wife we have those patterned windows and breasts

no we have those patterned windows and a long driveway so I assumed that he would be able to see what I was doing as he approached the door

and saw the contrast of colours of my shirt and skin when he opened the door in fits of giggles he informed me that it was be able to see what I was doing as he approached the door and saw the contrast of colours on my shirt and skin. When he opened the door in fits of giggles, he informed me that it was, in fact, very clear that I had my baps out and could be seen inside his car, partake in six feet from the house.

Not only that, but he had given the lift home to his colleague who lives around the corner and who also saw everything. I've seen this colleague neighbour a few times since and he never makes eye contact. That's class as well, though. I'd love that

I think you should stop cringing about that and just go I'm proper sound aye that's like that guy that's not able

to make eye contact with you that's on him man you you gave a free gift to the world yeah he was lucky enough to see it

if he can't deal with that type of charity right then that's on him you did a good thing no cr no cringe in there it's not a sound that not not lead in here again it was getting changed in this room and we're in Daniel's room at the moment you know when a room in Daniel's house and she's getting changed there now there's some building work going on where they

used to just be bland so the land you could get changed in this room and no one would see you so Natalie's just getting changed in this room thinking that she's just facing onto some unused land and there's just loads of builders at work but they'd love that that's great for them

and she just went you know what they've been working hard aye they've been a craft all day they look up see some cans

aye got some good on them I'll never have to face them aye and it's nice it's nice it's nice showing people your boobs see some cans aye got some good on them I'll never have to face them aye and it's nice it's nice it's nice showing men

showing people your boobs not even just men girls like boobs showing people your boobs it's just a class thing to do aye it's really so unfreedable aye

so well done oh I hope my shameful story brings you some amusement please find £5 for Daniel I know he's pretty needy much love

and happy Christmas Natalie it is Natalie no it doesn't say it's a Natalie it's a Natalie no it doesn't say a Natalie

it says Natalie think about the story Frosted Glass Frontal I live in your house I live in your house I live in your house no Natalie Frosted Glass yes it is I understand in your house. I live in your house. No, not to the frosted glass. Yes, it is.

I understand it's a Natalie. Yeah, but it didn't say anything to the frosted glass, so something scared me away from the story with that. So I should have touched on £5 there. There was a picture of a £5 note attached to that email as well. Oh, there you go. So thank you, other Natalie, for writing in. This is another teenage boy story from a Nathan.

I was 13 or 14 and in geography class talking to a girl I liked sitting in the road in front of me the girl is talking about how little

she has for dinner every day and I decided to pipe up with oh what do you eat demon souls to this day I have no idea

how that came out of my mouth and it gives me so much pain please cleanse me lads oh boy you fucking had to become a goth just

to style that out you had to watch Nightmare Before Christmas every December for three years oh boy gosh why did you say that? I get it man in those moments when you just

say something and the first thing you go am I mentally challenged? Am I deranged that just this nonsense not even a non-sentence but just the most uninteresting and uninformed stupid shit out of your mouth it's almost like you had to talk

and you used a safety quip. You played Quiplash and you used a safety quip and an incoherent sentence filler comes in. Would you eat demon salt? Just do an innocent child. Just do an innocent child.

He's talking about that she didn't have much to eat for dinner. Well, she probably thought up a demon souls or or virgin blood the little whore the little what do you do like just

suck on a goat's throat I don't know also just sorry just going back to the last one I read that is one of the

gifts of breasts right is it's much much less of a crime and much less of a risk for people to see your breasts than it is for people to see your willy. If your husband had went to the door and windmilled his cock through the frosted glass

and you were there with Barbara from work, you couldn't apologise enough to Barbara right you're all going to be there like all our kids

sauce babs sorry but your husband's going to be like saying you're welcome he's going to be

a hero at the office tomorrow because as much as you know you say that you go like women you can just

go out there and show your boobs to everyone and everyone be dead fucking chuck and that'd be a nice swell thing for you all to do.

And they're like, well, don't guys do that? And you go, we would. And also, some men do. They do it randomly to phones and you hate that. Girls, I'm furious if I go to Starbucks and you aren't breastfeeding. It still blows my mind. I kind of follow those pregnant women. it still blows my mind like I I

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I Just when they feel like it. If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know what's happening with me. And it's definitely my fault. Too much of a bloke.

There's still people out there. There's still grown adults out there who react poorly to breastfeeding in public. It's mind-blowing. No, no. I'm sheltered because it's clearly still a common thing. How is there anything

even remotely debatable? The baby needs fucking fed. It's a baby. It needs fed. It's not sexual. It's because they have a mild discomfort, right? They have a mild discomfort. So you'll look and you'll go,

oh, that's a boob and I just looked. Oops. Then you'll make sure you're not looking and you're looking around. Now that mild discomfort that you felt there, that's a boob and I just looked oops then you like you'll make sure you're not looking and you're looking round now that male discomfort that you felt there that is too much for them that is like no I need to be unburdened of this male discomfort so I am gonna completely burden you with the inability to feed your hungry child so somebody that it's a it's a huge selfishness it's also there'll definitely be religious

in it like if it's to do with a woman's body not being allowed down like because it's also sacred it's no there's also if you feel when we get suppressed out and you're not like to masturbate and you see a boob you get aroused and you don't know and obviously they're conflicting with temptation being aroused is a fucking sin, so you've got to repress that shit. I have some fucking... Loved the podcast this week. All of the micro-happiness.

My faux pas experience is something I legitimately think about daily and cringe every friggin' time. Met a guy at our exhibition called No Tears for Queers. Peers... It may have been No Tears for Queers uh peers maybe no tears for queers uh in chiang mai thailand we got chatting and started going around examining our art together the art was mostly tasteful nude photos a very diverse range of subjects we started talking where did we up be up for doing something like that he said yep totally but i prefer to be focused from in front rather than behind and i

said also you don't want your bum on show but are perfectly happy for people to see your penis. A huge slight pause and he says, well, actually, I don't have one of those. Oh. Hmm. I hadn't clocked that he was trans and now look like one of those arseholes

who believes gender is solely what's between your legs. He was lovely about it, but I won't say it doesn't plague any of my waking moments. Love to you both, Amy. Aye, that's, that's just a, that's one of those.

It's just a sensitive subject, isn't it? And I'm sure, I'm sure her friend understood that, and it's probably not the worst faux pas that he's been part of. Aye, they've been part of. I think he identified as he, judging by the way the letter was written.

Oh, was it or not or maybe she fucked up again oh she made a faux pas on the podcast and now she's fucking listening oh she's fucked up again me you made a double mistake you stupid bitch you're cancelled my opinion on that

and this is just my ill of opinion man you're allowed to get it fucking wrong don't intentionally get it wrong actively try and fucking lie do your best but don't but don't don't intentionally get it wrong actively try and fucking lie but don't beat yourself up about it because I promise you

they're not beating you up that much either this idea that the trans community gets properly genuinely and sincerely outraged by being fucking mischievous it's more like a oh they oh he oh she it's thatchievous. It's more like a, oh, they, oh, he, oh, she.

It's that. It's that. It's just like somebody correcting your pronunciation of something. It's a name, yeah. It's never them being like, how fucking dare you? Man, you made a slight mistake. You pronounced it wrong. Carry on.

Move on together. That outrage doesn't exist. You've just been told that that outrage exists. Yeah. By the fucking people, by the paedophiles who want us accusing fucking people by the paedophiles who want us accusing each other of being paedophiles, Kai it's always the paedophiles

it's always the fucking nonces and they're all at the top alright, so Amy I get that that's cringe I get man, I've got I still fucking trip up

in the trans stuff all the fucking time but I don't beat myself up over it and maybe I should more but I don't I'm like I got it wrong but I

maybe next time I'll try harder and I will do next time but that's I've got a it's tough with Twitch when you get you get usernames

because the username doesn't always like it doesn't always suggest gender and even if it did suggest gender with the name like Amy I know Amy but we're supp if it did suggest gender with a name like Amy

I know Amy but we're supposing that Amy's a girl because the name Amy so you can you can misgender people on Twitch and you sometimes

catch yourself just assuming a gender based on a username and and you just have to go look it's sensitive and it's unfamiliar

and it's it's a difficult thing to walk through but you're not going to get totally nobody not going to get totally nobody's going to get totally butthurt by you getting it wrong right and if they do something else

is going on when people are getting really really outraged by shit take a step back and go right are they genuinely outraged at what I did or is something else happening that I'm ignoring here or I'm missing out on yeah I just think if I did or is something else happening that I'm ignoring here or I'm missing out on yeah

I just think if you're purposefully doing it if you're informed and still refusing

like I'm not going to change that I call you she or whatever right I'm not

going to change that then you're being obtuse then you're being aggressive my name's Daniel

but you can call me dad no I'll call you Daniel and I that'll be aggressive my name's Daniel but you can call me dad no I'll call you Daniel and I sure

they're fucking that's really aggressive and so fucking if that's the only you want to die on weirdo it's just that my mum calls me Daniel

whenever you say that it makes me say oh I'll call you Daniel and I clearly means much more to you than it does to me they go he has kind of

that mackerel and I'm like I support Newcastle I'm a Geordie and they go no I identify I know this is Macam, and I'm like, I support Newcastle, I'm a Geordie. Oh, Mel. And they go, no, I identify as, I know this is a dangerous ground that I'm walking on, but no one's going to be that butthead. No, no, no, but you do react badly to being called a Macam.

Ah, that's what I mean. I'm like, you know what, that's not how I identify myself. You know that's not part of who I am. I'm not a Macam. Mel. I'm not a Macam. Mel. Do you want another one uh huh

okay Cream's recent discovery of Tidelines remind me who Tidelines are the Shetlands band I've seen the Shetlands singing Gaelic

no well they've got two three songs in Gaelic they sing a lot of songs in good old English as well reminded me of the time so this cream of cheese

discovery of class timelines reminded me of the time I was accidentally a bit of a dick to the lead singer

his name is Robert Robertson great great fucking name like Jeff Jefferson but no but like but what's what's even

better is like there's like he's he's also if his dad's called but what's even better is like if his dad's called Robert as well then he's Rob Robertson Rob Robertson's son ah yeah Rob Robertson's son so Robert Robertson and I sang with him in the National Boys Choir

when we were both 16 we had a week's rehearsal at the Edinburgh School and when you arrived you were to take a name badge so the instructors could learn your name. However, Robert Robertson hadn't arrived yet because he was coming from Fort William. Whilst most of us were from Edinburgh and Glasgow, no one knew who he was.

So someone piped up asking, who the fuck's Robert Robertson? And I answered, yeah, it's my dick. So he's a 16-year-old boy, thought it was the funniest thing he's ever done, grabbed the name tag and stuck the badge over his balls. So the real Robert arrived five minutes later and I had to explain to his face why I had his name badge,

but why it was currently on my crutch. We actually ended up getting along well, but every time I listened to Tidelines, I think of the time I had to tell Robert to his face that I thought his name was more suitable for a penis. Bobie, Bobie, Bobison. Bobie, Bobison. This is my fucking knob. So I saw the name badges

were there. He pretended Robert Robertson was for his cock. Started like, hey, my name is Robert Robertson. I'm paraphrasing here. And then the guy walked in. You don't know that. Guy walked in and he was cock puppeteering the bloke who walked in

and not only did that happen but then that man went on to be a famous singer for one of his favourite bands I get that

I think more of that that's not I don't think I understand why you're cringing because it's like you're a teenager and it's one of your

like when you do things when you're a teenager especially because when you also reflect you can reflect back to your

headspace then and it's so much more naive than what you are now like you know when you think back when you're a teenager especially because when you also reflect you can reflect back to your headspace then and it's so much more naive than what you are now like you know when you think back to the things you used to say to people that you fancied and you go

I can't believe I ever thought any of that was good chat or funny or charming or anything other than just

outright pathetic this is how pathetic I was right I was, right? I was going to this party where there was a Lhasa Fancy there and I rang her up on her whose phone. How did you get it?

Did you go through her phone book? I think I fucking, I must have done it. I can't remember how I got it. It was probably written on there instead of a fucking phone booth. I had her whose number and I phoned her up

and I asked if we were going to kiss the day I'm all for you I was in school what school? Ben and Biscops yeah 11 so last year of school

15 rang her house number it's Jill there it's Jill there Jill are you at that party today? we're kissing over and what did she say

no no not no no I didn't know I was like

I'm not wasting my time going to Ellen pointless man I think

that really like oh can't I just let it happen organically

man like fucking can there see if she's rude charm can look I don't want to waste my time here

excuse me can I reserve your lips for roughly quarter past eight in the evening aye by the punch bowl see you there doll aye

any chance any chance of neck on yeah what you do you get that party then you do aye aye kissing anyone kissing anyone

kissing anyone nice three this evening you know how on pool you put 20 pence on the table I was just wondering I put 20 pence on your lips there love

put it on the top one while it's quivering any chance I can have a shot of your lips then eh give your lips a blast I've heard that I've heard that class

so I fucking wrangled her so that's for a kiss and she said no and you said just go to the party nah it wasn't for me

that night knock on that party that party that party sounds dead I think I ain't up over that I think it was a cast and over all the way through I was fucking

just fancied everyone and then the second they didn't fancy me I quickly moved on I was like well alright then because you used to ask for numbers

didn't you that was a thing asking for a number but it was like it was usually like pre-fucking phones as well I would ask for

someone's number and you'd get like a fucking 01670 like you're getting a landline so then like if you ring them

you've got a fucking brave up speaking to their parents first fucking aye I made a I made a girl I fancied in aye. I made a, I made a girl I fancied in primary school.

I made her a hedgehog pencil holder. Oh yeah, Robbie told us about this. Out of clay and I was like, this will,

Rhiannon, what was her name? I was like, this will fucking get her. I was just like, I wrote her a letter. Shall we just lose our pencils and I'll Rhiannon?

Aye. Well, aye, not anymore. Not back to me. Aye. Only from heart attack. Shall we just lose our pencils, you know, Rhian? Well, no, not anymore. Not bad to me. Learned it from Art Attack. I'm glad that was the only thing I learned from Art Attack. So you're watching Art Attack.

You're following Neil Buchanan on how to make a pencil holder. And then you're writing in. All of these lads were swarming around trying to get our attention. You just push them out of the way. And you're like down on one knee and you held up the pencil holder and I made you this gift

aye PS what you doing you need to fancy kissing if people were descending as their embarrassing childhood romantic moments oh yeah

that's a good one for the next one embarrassing fucking it up fucking it up with somebody embarrassing childhood romantic moments oh yeah that's a good one for the next one embarrassing fucking it up with somebody that you're attracted to at school when you were a kid I remember I was once not when you were an adult

here's an embarrassing one for me I remember I must have been about fucking 10 years old I remember primary 7 in school and I was out with my mate Craig and there was two girls he was going out

with Stephanie and I fancied Jessica Jessica didn't fancy me oh I don't know I didn't know you're speaking like quiet but I fancied basically Craig

was with his girlfriend Stephanie we were all like 9 or 10 years old Jessica's there I fancied Jessica we were all playing truth or ten years old Jessica's there I fancy Jessica we're all playing truth or dare

right because we're like that's that's how that's how you I'll get to kiss Jessica as if I get dared to kiss her

or she gets dared to kiss me that's what we'll do and we go there and then we spin the ball and it lands on Craig and

he goes truth and Stephanie goes who does Daniel fancy and I was like to Craig and he goes truth and Stephanie goes who does Dino fancy and I was like this is not how this was meant to be what

no this is this is not how this was meant to be I kiss and Craig goes I've got to and I was like

you absolutely do not have to obey the rules I told him he was like but the rules of truth and dare is that and then

and then I got on my bike and I cried all the way home you cried all the way home I just cycled because he was going but the rules of truth and dare is that and then and then I got on my bike and I cried all the way home you cried all the way home I just cycled because he was going to tell me that I fancied that I fancied I didn't speak to him

for two days and then oh them fucking childhood stories man it makes you cringe so much because man it felt like the end of the world

I remember crying on that bike going like oh I'll never go to school again because there's no way I'll emotionally recover from this you can't face that so if you've got any of those

horrible horrible moments of because I was I was starting to fucking think of something new that we could talk about but the podcast's drawn to a close so

I'll I'll fucking put them on ice and we'll talk we'll talk about them in the next well we might let's ice and we'll talk about them in the next... Well, we might. Let's not promise. We'll record on Monday.

All right. Send your emails before Monday and we'll talk about your... Oh, do your dad jokes? All right. He got some. I was wondering. I thought he was just bored. Well, both can be true.

Danny, your dad spells sex. S-E-C-K-S. And you can kind of tell that's how he spells it when he says it. He really tries to pronounce both the C and the K. Sex. I mean, you kind of say sex. At around 11pm every night, your dad stands up, silently pours a glass of whiskey and downs it. Then makes his way to the front door, and your mum says,

Eee, where e where Egan Kev and he says to tie up some loose ends and then goes outside to do his shoelaces that was a good impression of me ma'am thanks ma'am

your dad's party trick is regurgitating one of his lungs blowing it up like a bubble gum and then getting rushed into hospital your dad took the divorce

so badly his new missus is a sports sock with googly eyes and lipstick on it 30 years his junior. Your dad has blotchy tan lines all the way up his legs from his ripped jeans. Your dad waits at traffic lights

in Grand Theft Auto. Your dad keeps his clothes horse in a stable Brushes it down regularly Fings it salt licks Gets it fresh here This is Pegasus Your dad says his superpower Your dad says that his superpower Is your dad says

that his superpower is that he can guess whatever finger you put in his mouth even while he's blindfolded and if I'm being honest he's ruining this

bachelorette party your dad does fortnight dances in the mush pit your dad says he eats cocoa pops by the asshole and I don't know what it means.

And then he thrusts his index finger through his other index finger and thumb and I know what he means. Well, that was the last podcast of 2020. Ever? Oh, no. We're going to come back Monday. We're going to do Mondays from now on.

Isn't that right? Now I'm going to stop this and you're going to record an intro for the beginning. Okay. Bye.