Sloss and Humphries On The Road - No One's Role Model

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

After spending two weeks in almost darkness during a Scandinavian winter, Muggins and Cream cheer themselves up by reading through some of your many celebrity encounters. (Thanks for writing in) The boys discuss role models, or lack thereof. #16   Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: thistlysloss10   Join us at Altitude festival for a live podcast in the Alps, 1-5 April 2024. Get discounted festival tickets with your 10% discount code. www.altitudefestival.com Discount Code: mugginsandcream24

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Cheers mate, last day of the leg Feeling good?

I watched Society of Snow I've gotten the name of that film wrong so many times It's exhausting listening to you get it just completely and utterly wrong It's like Aldous Snow Society paw patrol it's just no patrol play state is it the playbox 550 it's that it's that era of your life so i watched that and it was two and a half hours of slightly less traumatic than that one minute tour diary that you did in the middle of this tour. That one way but absolutely

threadbare. You seem to be comfortably numb now though. I don't know how we used to do fucking longer than this. Well, kind of, being sentimental, home used to be on the road and now home's at home.

I think that's the difference. Like when I lived in London London was like me party flat and the place where I keep me kept me stuff yeah and we wife happened to be but like I've got like like I feel like I've got home to go back to now yeah like Natalie Natalie lived with a flatmate so I didn't feel like I was just leaving her We were just having the dog So there's a bit of that Also It's been fucking busy

This leg of the tour I mean the last one was as well Germany but it's like It's not like there's been A great deal of Recreation and partying And Doing stuff

No However The gigs have been tremendous recreation and partying and doing stuff. Mm-mm. No. However, the gigs have been tremendous. The people have been nice. The food's been good. Yep. Yep. You're just a wee bit homesick. I could comfortably fucking,

I could, for years and years and years, I've never, ever understood. Like, you know, I always thought I'll always do this fucking job. And now I'm like, I could take two years off and not fucking blink. And like all the fears and anxieties I used to have of like, oh man, if I take a year. You may not be there when I come back. Fucking good news for me. Man, if I step out of this fucking game for two years and i come back

and everyone's like we've got no idea who you are i think i would just stand there and be like maybe that's for the best maybe that's i mean i don't think that is the case you've actually got like a level of life now where like not working again would just mean getting a smaller house it would just mean selling the house getting a smaller house it would just mean selling your house getting a smaller one living off the rest like you you're actually set i think now as long as you weren't ridiculous as long as i think that's why like do you think that's why some new money celebs just spunk it on like lamborghinis and that yeah so that the need the work so that the need to stay ambitious i think so and because it's it's actually like it's quite like if you get that kind of money it's quite easy to spread it out

at a working class rate yeah of like whatever like 15 20 grand a year that a working class person would be on you could live a small life for a long time on your money yeah well i mean it's not look don't go wrong i don't want to stop fucking working but i'm very much of the opinion now of uh if the next tour is because the start of this tour was brilliantly booked it was perfect it was ideal like that was the longest i've ever enjoyed doing like a show without it being overworked and this year has fucked that already and it's only continued going to fuck that in the ass

very violently for the next four or five months so I can only imagine how bitter I am going to feel about this job and the I reckon the end of March is going to be some of the worst podcasts you've ever

fucking heard so subscribe to Patreon right now. Lock in for that. Lock in right now if you want to hear proper fucking mantrums from me. These are hostages at this point. Yeah. I'm very much of because this is I'll take some of the responsibility

for like the bad scheduling of this tour. If it happens again, my dummies are going out of the pram and to the point where I'll just go, right, I've now got so much money that I'll just never, ever work again. I would much rather spend 20 grand a year purely just on like the bare necessities

than I would two or four days a month. So what bit do you think fucked it? Like the fact that you've got to go home and then do a gig at Kirkcaldy straight away. Why the living, this is the problem with booking tours, right? Is people go oh Turkey's near Greece we'll just combine those two

don't combine those two I couldn't give a fuck how close countries are to each other like Marlena very much tried to get us to fly from Greece to Turkey to fucking India and I'm like oh cool three weeks away from home that won't make me suicidal at all. It's actually going to be worse than that because now what we're going to be doing is going

Greece to Turkey to Edinburgh to India. Like it doesn't, just the fact that just the fact that it's popping back home, that actually makes it more hectic travelling. But it just doesn't mean that you can see a child. Aye, I know. And then just

the dumbass fuck. Why don't you bring Caelan to India? Oh yeah, fuck it. Yeah, let's send him to fucking space while we're at it like let's just let's yeah let's just like absolute fucking hell for something

no oh the fact that we're like worried sick that we're gonna get sick no offence India but I would never not never not never

never is incorrect but with the way we tour currently there is not a fucking chance for any amount of money i would bring my family over to experience that and also like you've got to think of the health care system like there's one thing you receive in health care i've got no doubt that the health care in india is fucking amazing all of the doctors are in the united kingdom no no no but you misunderstand they're

all doctors like man look your racism's correct but my racism's more correct like yes they are all coming over to our country but there's a billion of them right and 75 of them are doctors like they're just born doctors and they're really really good at it i would i man the one thing i've learned about being on the fucking road when we were in a new zealand we were in a fucking taxi uh that was driven uh by an indian man and he was saying that he needed to get eye surgery and we were like oh what's the health care system like in new zealand and he was like there's not a fucking chance I am using the healthcare system in New Zealand. I am flying back to India to get my eyes done.

Like, yeah, man, they're the best. Like health and safety. If something goes wrong in India, that's the best place to be. And also, look, one of the really uncomfortable things about India, which you just have to accept is, and I don't want to accept it, but this is the golden pass.

Oh yeah. You're God over there. You're God. We do. Our ancestors did such fucking atrocities over there and they have such deep racism over there because of the fucking caste system that like you do just get better treatment everywhere. Yeah.

Insurance money probably counts for more as well. Absolutely. It would be very, very unfair. They're probably getting banked if you get wheeled in. Yeah, aye. And they're all going to jail if I die. I don't want to get to jail there, like.

No. I've seen Shantaram. Have you seen it? I liked it. I thought Charlie Hunman did a good job of it. Still one of the worst books I've ever dragged my way through. Because everything that you hated about it Is what Robert Jordan does No

It is Robert Jordan's never spent seven pages Really super duper describes like a lot of stuff No he'll give you the He'll give you the socio-economic policies And like the The traditions of each area which is hard to He won't describe He'll go through the garb

he'll go through like what people are wearing down to the fineries yeah but he won't tell you the what smell what lavender smells like

for seven pages and then two pages after that where every wrinkle on a person's face comes from in that deep history of frowning

oh oh I don't like that it stank of shit it stank of shit It stank of shit And I can't believe the movie's not 19 years old Were you just in a bad place when you read it? Because you sometimes put your mood on whatever it is you're doing

And you hate that thing because of your mood Yeah, but it takes seven months to read Shantaram So I can't imagine I was sad for seven fucking months I can't imagine for the fucking nine years that it took me To read that book where absolutely nothing happens. Like, do you know if the game that you're currently playing is as bad as you think it is?

Or is it actually objectively bad? All of the reviews online have said the exact same thing that I've said. Marvel Midnight Suns is a really, really good game, right? And it's voiced by Matthew Mercer and your character. I'm Matthew Mercer. Matthew Mercer's my voice.

My friend's my voice. This is really cool. I want to Marshall. Matthew Marshall's my voice. My friend's my voice. This is really cool. I want to love this fucking game, right? It has more dialogue than the period between 10 BC and now. There's more dialogue happens in that game

than has happened on the world since then. It's unbelievable. That's it. Was there not like a Metal Gear Solid game that was like that as well? Because like Metal Gear Solid was amazing. One of the OG games of PlayStation 1. And then I don't know if it was like two or three or something.

It was just like fucking constant cut scenes. Yeah, it's not. It's like they do a thing of like there's going to be so much storyline in this i'm like there is a there's a bell curve on how much how much i'll pay attention to the story right and that is if i find the story interesting right and it's good and it's short enough that keeps me fucking i'm playing the game and then story happens during the game while i'm playing it like it's in the background of the fight i'm like oh that's what that's what i'm doing now that's interesting okay and then there's just enough cut scenes that I'll

actually watch every cut scene and then the drop-off point of after that is I no longer care about any of the writing you've done yeah like I am I'm gonna be I'm just gonna did it did I'm skipping every single cut scene in this now did Did you find it with the new Horizon Zero Dawn? I don't know why that didn't take me. What was up with that? You know what? I kept grabbing my phone when I was playing it. I was gutted.

Oh, yeah? I was just, my mind was just elsewhere when I was playing. I don't know why it didn't grip us. I was gutted that it didn't take me. I think it was more of a button bash rather than the last one as well. The last one, you had to really strategise how you're going to beat the dinosaurs in that one

you could just fucking up your strength and club them to death the projecting my emotions thing is fair because that's why I started playing Marvel Midnight Suns

because I was just like I wasn't enjoying my I wasn't enjoying Baldur's Gate 3 as much and I'm like that's not the game's fault I'm like

if you're not enjoying Baldur's Gate 3 Daniel it's because you're not you just need something else. You're just playing it to kill time right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you need, and because you've played it a couple of times, you know, it's not giving you the, you know,

the, sometimes replaying the same thing over and over again is like a level of comfort because you're familiar with it. Whereas this, it just wasn't offering me like the stimulation of escapism that I needed. So, downloaded this new game, and again, this it just wasn't offering me like the the stimulation of escapism that i needed so downloaded this new game and again i know this makes me sound incredibly fucking lame but constantly man i to this day cannot believe sometimes that i'm friends with the people that i'm friends with right playing

a game that's really fun and it's matthew murd's voice and i'm pretty sure ashley johnson's in it as well right and i'm just listening to this Is that Ashley Johnson from The Last of Us? Aye, well Ashley Johnson from Critical Role but sure Did I get that right though? Yeah, yeah, yeah and she's oh man she was like she was going to be a huge

character in The Avengers like and if you watch the extended edition of The Avengers Ashley Johnson is in it heaps. But just the way fucking Hollywood works is sometimes you can film for seven days on something, two

weeks, and then your entire character's cut. And you're like, huh? To get to play games that your friends are part of because they're very good at what they do is exciting. And I do wonder if Matt Mercer ever feels that way when he's watching me on stage

making thinly veiled misogynistic jokes, he's like ah it's my boy probably probably a bit remember when Tom Stade was the voice on a game and it was actually really good, it was like an indie game that didn't have a big market

oh yeah I think you're closer than me actually there and it was actually really good. It was like an indie game that didn't have a big market. A Caligula? Caligula or something. Oh yeah, I think you're closer than me actually there. With a K. And like, you would turn the world upside down and mirror the world and you were like,

you'd done things that twisted the platforms to. Yeah, it was like a 2D slide scroller thing that there was some sort of 3D aspect that you could bring into it. Kalimba? I feel it's Kalimba. Kalimba? I'm close there. And it's

kind of like same kind of not the same kind of game as Super Meat Boy but like that same kind of indie like it was just like it felt like a couple of dudes made it. Oh yeah yeah it was back in the

good old days of the Xbox when they just let you people fucking create kalimba let's see come on kalimba is that right and Tom Stead does all the cutscenes on it and it's like so undeniably him great oh we've actually had a few people right in with the celebrity encounters well you know it's nicelyulling, but I can't even fucking find it. I wonder if you could find it by typing in Tom Stade. Game. That's what I did. Did you?

Okay. Can I just open the celebrity encounters with this one? Absolutely. God, I once met Daniel Sloss And it was three weeks into a tour And he was so depressed that he looked through my eyes Into the back of my skull Hoping that he could see the light Of freedom and home

Not quite but similar You read it out You alright lads I have a story about me and a famous person And that was our good friend Mr Sloss over here When he was staying in a hotel in Manchester when it was very warm and the air con didn't work. Oh, yes.

I remember you, you useless fuck. When it was very warm and the air con didn't work. No surprise. I got told by a boss because I clogged Daniel Sloss in the reception and I went to hide because fuck meeting your heroes and that. But anyway, I got told to go to a room and give them

a heater and drinks vouchers guess who it was the one and only Daniel Sloss which in my fangirl mind all I could say is I'm a big fan and then thrust the heater into his hand

so yeah you fuck he gave you a heater when it was hot with my son with my son who was fucking like

Caelan was three or four months older at the time we were going down for a friend Matthew's Matt and Mia's engagement party we were going down for a friend Matthew's Matt and me his engagement party

we were staying in Manchester locked down he kind of just fucking listed and it was absolutely boiling there was no aircon

I think we talked about this on the podcast we fucking did talk about this on the goddamn podcast Stephen you bag of shit anyway love what you guys do

can't wait to see you in Manchester next week there was a podcast clip that went viral around of my work so you guys laughing at me and it made my life oh great i can't remember what the podcast clip is but uh i imagine it's like he brought me a heater kai kai he brought me a heater it was hot and he brought me a heater was it something like that sounds like you that's the first time i've had an impression he wasn't right I mean it didn't feel nice to hear

So I guess But I don't think that was because of the accuracy He probably hit a guy and it was hot The only person who does Even close And I don't know why I'm so Hard to impersonate because It's not as if I'm fucking subtle

I think it's because my accent's fucking dull Ari Matty is the only one who doesn't even close one and it's he just does this and it's because i fucking everything i say with my lips did someone um put a compilation of you on now now was that was that uh special called now because you would go now yes and that's why you called it now all of so for ages all of my specials were just named after like it was me trying to get rid of the tics i have on stage so uh that's why one was called really but really really became socio um now was called now no wait now was called now, no wait, now was socio

really was yeah because you two had them as different names is what you released them as right? some of them yeah, dark was always dark I think really became jigsaw was dark always dark? dark was always dark

dark was always dark what was jigsaw again? so? so it was. There you go. So. Aye. So. Because I used to say so.

So. Yeah. I didn't realise that you were addressing a text because I thought what you were doing... That's why my next show is called The N Word. Or objectively. Objectively Yeah

Objectively Call it objectively I thought what you were doing Is just Marlena's just like Bugging you for a show title In December The year before the fringe

And you're just like Oh that's a huge fact He has a single word Work with that That is how I haven't wrote anything For the show yet Call it so That Call it now Call it really That's a huge factor. He has a single word. Work with that. That is how it's... I haven't wrote anything for the show yet.

Call it so. Call it now. Call it really. Call it can't. That is how it started and then it got into the thing of like, I really just enjoyed

the spree of it just being one word. Do you wish you'd wrote a sentence? No, because Jimmy Carr did that. Did he? All of Jimmy Carr's DVDs, if you put them side by side, spell out Jimmy Carr did that did he? all of Jimmy Carr's DVDs if you put them side by side spell out Jimmy Carr standing up

doing comedy on stage making people laugh blah blah blah like that's I don't know if it's the same anymore but that was very openly Jimmy's policy to name it as specials whereas I just got to the stage of like one name titles

and then it sort of stuck and one name titles are hard because it's like how do you fuck do you summarize a show but then i mean fucking nobody expected fuck it when when when x was named x it was just named x because it was my 10th show and it didn't become the special about rape and sexual assault until july of that year yeah yeah i remember and then and then now you know now that it's fucking weirdly cult and things that name really fucking stands out and purely accidentally purely accidentally jigsaw was renamed it was the second i remember just sitting in the studio with jp doing the edit of it and i'm like man this show isn't called so this show is called

jigsaw it's very clearly called fucking Jigsaw. Thankfully, Dark was already called Dark. Had to rename the fucking now to Socio. Hubris, I still think is a great title,

especially for what I was trying to do with it. You know what you should do your next show, just have like loads of words. Oh, I know what it's called. There.

Uh-huh. What's it? Mud. Mud? Mud. Aye. Yeah. Marijuana uses, words oh i know what it's called there uh-huh what's it mud mud mud aye yeah marijuana uses marijuana use of disorder it's the term that they're trying to come up with and put instead of just drug addict are you gonna put the dot in it no just call it mud but all caps and then i imagine the poster will be me caked in mud with a joint in my mouth um uh like like um the predator not that i've been watching predator lately

recency bias um i just like arnold schwarzenegger just really uh yeah well because i know it's the only thing when people ask me what my next show is about i just know the fact that i do i want to talk about like addiction in general because there know it's the only thing When people ask me what my next show is about I just know the fact that I do I want to talk about addiction in general Because there's nobody in the world who isn't addicted at this point We're all addicted to lots and lots of things And I think it would be very easy to make that Relatable

I'm not addicted to anything at the minute I've been on the treadmill every day for 14 days Just because it keeps me off my addictions Just channel my addiction into something That's that that's how you deal with addiction i think throw it at something worthwhile and then get back and then get back to the drugs immediately i was gonna say i think addiction works different to mine i have really nailed this tour as far as that goes, though. Like, staying off my phone.

Staying off my phone. Like, my phone usage is down a lot from the last tour. Probably helps that I didn't lose all my devices. That really helps that I didn't just fucking walk through security and leave all my electronics behind. But I've watched a film every day. Been on the treadmill every day. Watched both seasons of Welcome to Wrexham

Aye I've done the opposite I'm like All of the years that I should have been putting into social media I'm now sticking Into Fucking I think I started pretty well with social media

At the start of this tour And then just give up I feel like I'm just like it's good to have the distraction like it's good to have like to

I think I think my problem originally was just like the fear of responsibility and the fear of rejection of it whereas

when I was talking to Cara I very quickly realised the one the bane of my career, the one thing that's always fucked me off ever since I wrote Dark is that there's never just been a fucking library

of all of my shit. All I wanted was to write specials, put them out there and then fuck off and move on to the next special. But Netflix only wanted two, HBO only wanted one. Fucking, you know, and then you're releasing them in other places and you've got to stagger the fucking releases yeah no one's on YouTube was on your website and it

just became this fucking thing of like oh my god I'm just never gonna get all these things in one place and then I'm like oh my god no in fact like now I can just fucking curate it on you know in sky okay the game has changed in a way that I don't really understand, but like in the, it's going to sound very horrible and narcissistic, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Whenever you see lesser comedians overtake you, right?

You don't get to piss and moan about the industry anymore. Whenever you, whenever you watch people who are less talented than you overtake you because they're infinitely... That means they've got something you haven't got. And that's drive. That's drive, work ethic. And also, I'm pretty sure that when I was younger and I had fucking drive,

and I was better than the comedians I was surpassing, I bet they were blaming it on my work ethic. There was 100%, when we started stand-up, there was a bunch of amazing comedians that had a 20-minute set that you just couldn't get, like you couldn't budge from the club scene because they'd nailed that 20.

But then you start doing an hour at the Fringe every year and you're turning over material and yeah, your 20 might not be as tight as theirs, but more people are coming back to see you because it's a different set. And then they'll piss and moan about people that are less funnier than them overtaking them that was that was us well i think it's so so we're just that's happening to us from other people that i knew i agree on a different level there's a different way it's happening but it's happening yeah no that's a very good point

and it's only upon hearing you say it in that way it's they were going against the same thing that we're going against which is the idea of becoming your own brand because saying becoming your own brand makes everyone want to break their own neck and die but like you were just doing 20s and joggers you were and you would hopefully be the best on the bill and if you were the best In the bill you might make it to like a fucking TV show or whatever like one day whereas comedians like us came along we start doing like solo shows for now and then we start touring and Being able to turn it was like oh my god. Look at them doing all by themselves. They're trying to be themselves on television the big fucking problem we all had with social media when it started was just this idea of, you know, we have to become the brand ourselves. It's us.

We're selling and getting out there. Yeah. Because that's not how the game was. It went from promotion to self-promotion. Yeah. Yeah. And we used to specifically hire people to promote things for us because we hated self-promotion so much.

Man, Chris Ramsey used to get fucking bullied he was a proper outlier wasn't he didn't get it wrong though no he was streets ahead he was streets ahead of everybody else as well smashed it

have we got any stories is that what this is here for so the discord's on that But a Screen Captain one's from Yeah you've got better eyes than me I do Right you go in the Discord then So there's a few pictures on there of Screen Captain

Am I swiping left or right here? Yeah so that's the one we've just done And then you go in that way This is from Rhys Astrop Kind of a celebrity story A hotel I worked at I worked at while at uni host the Northeast football writers award the Northeast football writers award first of all first

of all for the Northeast to have a writers award in in general. Very funny. So the Chronicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing writing in fucking coal, are you? The Journal. But then to reduce it to Footballer's Writer's Award every year. And for the last 10 years, Alan Shearer has attended. Each year, he sinks about 12 points at Guinness and leaves before most of the awards.

That is a good, that's, aye, aye. Never once offered, even offered to pay. I read this when I screenshot it and i'm and i'm i'm doing the mental gymnastics defend him i'll do it in a minute right okay so let me go again just because i haven't read this that's why i'm laughing so each year alan sharon sticks about 12 points of guinness and leaves before most of the awards start never once even offered to pay he doesn't even say anything when ordering just taps his empty glass without looking at the server. Never left a tip either, this stingy bastard. And the North East writers are...

You can do that in Sunderland, man. Sorry. Like, imagine you got invited and your agent urges you to go because it's like publicity or you're getting paid or whatever the fuck, right? To a, like, chortle awards. You're sinking that bar're getting paid or whatever the fuck right to a like chortle awards you're sinking that

bar and getting to there before the awards journalists yeah no no it's not just journalists it's fucking chortle I'm burning that

venue down um also disparaging she right here like uh he bought me a paint I like disparaging

she right it wasn't Guinness it was uh it was it was Newcastle that was all he was doing yeah em when I went to the

charity thing that he you know when he hijacked the gig from me yeah when my I'll talk about this I was supposed to be doing

a tour show at the Newcastle stand in Molina our agent emailed me saying em see below I've pushed back I don't even know who this person is and the blow email was like we're sorry

we're gonna have to move guys to a date we've got these ones available Alan Shearer was penciled in we didn't think it was gonna happen put guys to edit in but now he can't do it so I'm sure I was doing this talk thing Molly and I just thought it was another comedian and try to push back from Alan Shearer doing the stand 300 see that no 350 whatever it is and I was just saying don to push back from alan shearer doing the stand 300 seat or 350 whatever it is and i was just saying don't push back just get his tickets and when i went he put a thousand pound behind the bar yeah and i got a couple of pints off him so good man good man okay interesting reese i believe you i'm very glad that i believe you only on the grounds that when

i went to ask him for a photo he did not want to take that photo. He did take it, but we were very much in his way between the venue and the taxi. I'm going to have to Google who this cunt is. Alan Shearer. Sam? Mm. Huggan?

Huggan? Who the fuck is this cunt? Scottish. Is he? Mm-hmm. Outliers, outlanders. Sam Roland Huggan is a Scottish actor, producer, author, and entrepreneur who the fuck is this scottish outliers sam roland hugen is a scottish actor producer author and entrepreneur mate we're all

authors he's best known for his starring role as jamie fraser oh he's old handsome mcfuckable isn't he you know what? I don't, I actually don't think

he's the sexiest of us. Oh, okay, he's got muscles. He's Scottish hot. Ah, yes, yeah,

I'll acknowledge that, yeah. He's fucked over here. Not specifically Denmark, but Scandinavia. That's not. If he comes over to Scandinavia He just fucking blends in

Like Like not blends in But Fades I'm also really annoyed Sam Heughan It's gotta be Heughan That's how you say that name

Heughan Heughan Heughan Yeah Heughan would be the Okay so Sam Heughan Made me a cup of tea Just heard Wednesday's pod

About name dropping Thought it shared mine I've been friends With Sam's Ex-sister-in-law for years. Let me do the math there. Sam's ex. Ex-sister-in-law. Parents broke up. Parents broke up.

No. Parents got together. Sister-in-law, brother-in-law. Parents broke up. Ex-brother-in-law, ex-sister-in-law. No, no. That just means he divorced. That's his...

So if he marries a girl, that's his sister-in-law and they get divorced. Oh, and then they get divorced. So that's just... So I'm thinking ex-step-sister. I was doing ex-step-sister.

So his ex-wife's sister or ex-husbands. But that's not true. I don't know if people know this, but Scotland's a very liberal country, but we do have

a quota for how many g but we do have a quota for how many gays we're allowed a year. It's just him at the minute. We're allowed a lot, right? You know, we get a fair few in, but... Name your favourite five... No, I don't want a favourite, because that means you're favourite in them.

Name five Scottish gays. Oh, okay. I've got three easily already. Alan fucking Cumming. Alan Cumming? got three easily already. Alan fucking Cumming. Alan Cumming? Yeah. Who's that? Alan Cumming.

I can't. Here we go. I'll show you Alan. Alan Cumming. Him. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Who else do you think? No, but he was, I'm sure he was fucking part of that. him okay yeah yeah who else no but he was I'm sure he was fucking part of that he's an actor

he's a very very good actor we all love Alan Cumming Craig Hill yeah or this

isn't going to count Larry Dean yeah obviously the other one which doesn't count

is John Barrowman. John Barrowman? Why does he not count? Because, first of all, he's got a fucking disgustingly thick... When you hear John Barrowman talk, his American accent is so thick that you're not Scottish. It doesn't matter. I know Scottish people who have lived in America

for 40 fucking years, and they still have a Scottish accent. Like Manchester Scott McDonaghy yes alright John Barrowman will accept because he's successful but you're not Scottish if you lose your Scottish accent

and any abuse directed at me is valid and accurate in that Susan Calman oh I forgot women were gays I hadn't even Oh Karen Dunbar Fucking Rona Cameron

Susie McKay There's loads of them I know hundreds now All of them Scottish gays, come on there's got to be way more Scottish gays than that that I know and that aren't just me mates

Surely the Cameron someone that we've done a TV thing with one time? I said Ronan Cameron. Ah yeah Ronan Rona. Who are you thinking of now? Cameron someone. It was like a TV

presenter. Oh yeah From STV Yeah yeah yeah I don't think he is gay though Oh I think he just Just has that voice Aye

You and Cameron That's it I'm safe Yeah I'm safe ladies Come on There's way more Scottish poofs than that Come on

Rebuffedies You too brother Aye Your dad Aye Eh That's also Scottish case more we buffed these your two brothers aye your dad aye eh how's the Scottish case

Scott Agnew Stuart Murphy aye Stuart Murphy who's a Geordie by the way doesn't even

sound like a Geordie oh sorry but he's not Scottish so lots of case sorry so

I've been friends with Sam's ex-sister-in-law for years she visited me last year and decided to go and visit her ex-mother-in-law who lives near us weird thing to do

sitting having lunch and Sam turns up he joined us for a few hours and made me a great mug of tea the whole family are warm welcoming people also he's one of the hottest

humans on the planet please keep me anonymous and that's from Sam I think it'd be something nice if a celebrity made you a lovely cup of tea. Yeah.

Like, put a bit of care into it. Because there's something about making a good cup of tea that it doesn't come from a diva. You wouldn't make anyone a good cup of tea.

Fuck off. I offered to make tea all the fucking time. Yeah, but now why is everyone saying no? Well, because I don't respect tea. Yeah, but if a celebrity makes a good cup of tea, I think that's like, they're grounded. I think it takes a really grounded celebrity to make a good cup of tea.

I told you this the other day when it came to fucking I'm here to call it latte drinkers Oh yeah you've done me a good one I couldn't even defend myself really I just think I see where you're coming from Lattes are lovely but

It's not coffee, if you drink lattes you are not a coffee drinker you're an adult baby If you drink lattes you are not a coffee drinker you're an adult baby if you drink if you drink lattes what you do you like flavored you like warm milk all you want is a big glass of warm milk because you're a giant fucking baby but the problem is you know that as a big baby if you drink just hot milk you'll go nap nap and have a snooze during the day and you can't do that because you're a big boy with a driver's license so you have to put the smallest amount of coffee into your warm milk so that you don't accidentally go nap nap anyone who drinks latte is an adult

fucking baby and deserves zero respect and just yeah i agree with you with you, but I love a latte. But it's like, it felt like you'd caught us riding your bike with stabilisers on. And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, but it keeps us up. And I hadn't realised, I just saw it as a practical thing. I'm like, oh, you know, I can ride slowly without toppling.

Man, I realise that, because when we take Caelan, our son, God, I miss my son, on our walks, there's a little coffee truck and every day, like, not every day, but every time we go on a walk, sometimes he gets like a baby Chino, right? And you're like, oh, baby Chino, it's so nice that they do that. Do you know what a baby Chino is? It's just a hot milk. It's a latte without one do that Do you know what a baby Chino is? It's just a hot milk It's a latte

Without One fifth of coffee in it That's The difference between A baby Chino And a latte Is way Way

Way Way less Than the difference between A latte And actual real coffee That heterosexual men drink I learnt what a Quid Mardo was And heterosexual women I learnt And what a quadrador was women and working gay men

not the dykes though weird like weird line i have quadrado do you know what a quadrado is yeah i used to play for chelsea that's true um it's equal parts uh espresso and milk It's equal parts espresso and milk And hot milk So it's like half way out of a latte really That's also like a piccalillo or something Depends what country you're in You're allowed to put milk into your coffee You're allowed to flavour your coffee with milk

I don't personally But do you think when it gets past the 50-50 mark on milk and coffee When it gets past the fucking Yes 50 is me being true The quadrado is as close as you're going to get That's You're buying it personally. But do you think when it gets past the 50-50 mark on milk and coffee? When it gets past the fucking, yes. 50 is me being true. The quadrado is as close as you're going to get. That's, you're buying it. Yeah, yeah. You're paying for both sides, aren't you? Yeah. But even

then, like, I can't. Which is weird, because look, here's the thing. I would absolutely have a hot chocolate, right? But I wouldn't have a hot chocolate every day, and I certainly wouldn't drink hot chocolate around other coffee drinkers going, we're the same. Oh, that mocha. Mocha.

Mocha. It's just a coffee and a hot chocolate. It's quite nice, but it would have craved. Everyone can grow up. grow up. Celebrity Encounter. I was about 16 and we were doing some filming in Newcastle Town Centre for a project for our Media A level, or GCSE, or something school

related anyway. Some old bloke comes up to us and starts asking what we're doing. Oh God. Offering advice. Us being young girls at the time sort of palmed him off awkwardly. It wasn't until he walked away that I realised I recognised him. Bloody Brendan Healy! Poor bloke

generally trying to give advice someone who works in television I mean I think he died with a clean record without noncing and we did our best

to shoot him away who the fuck is go to Brendan Healy again because I was instantly thought of Tim Healy I wonder if they're related Brendan Healy

I've absolutely no fucking idea who that cunt is yeah you do no I don't I recognise him I should know him no I don't know what's his name have a look comedian apparently I'm being a heathen yeah television actor he was a black velvet game badger put in spender keysides and there we go Jimmy Neil Yeah, I don't okay well

For a second try fucking ten years and Well, you know that's That's a big deal for anyone who lives within five miles of you. That's a celebrity, you know, fucking in Canada there. I have no idea. No, absolutely zero fucking idea. Aidan McCullen, I don't know who he is that name that name is in my zeitgeist. Is that right word? No, they guys

don't show zeitgeist in the heads of people. They have all I've always known that name, but I can't say I've ever... Pass me this. I'm not going to let you go through the disgusting tragedy of... Trying to read. Yeah.

To the aggressive celeb meetings, I'm going to throw some Danes in the mix, which is good because we're in Arlberg now, so that makes sense. You can say my name. So this is from my me my

M-I-E me my I met Mads Mikkelsen when I was 14 years old and I'm a big fan of his he's a very good actor my uncle had done

some movies with him oh fuck yeah so my uncle arranged for a meet up after a theatre show he did that my brothers had got me tickets to so it was a major surprise

for me and so nice of him to stay for almost an hour drinking a beer smoking some cigarettes and having a chat after doing a show he's a big football fan and so are my brothers so it's mostly just them talking about stuff i didn't know shit about but teenage me was too

shy to talk to him anyways this was years before his international success but so happy to see him get opportunities because he was a really nice guy and he still is uh and super talented. Oh, Nicola Costa Waldo. Fucking, you know him. Old fucking incest Lannister. Jamie. Jamie Lannister? Yeah. And also Black Hawk Down. Yes.

Have you ever went back and watched Black Hawk Down after you know who all the celebrities are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you watch it knowing a couple of them and then you go back and you're like spotting all of them. Yeah. He's friends. Old Nabos to my cousin I don't know what Nabos means so I've been to some parties with him

super nice guy genuinely seems interested to get to know you yeah I imagine with a lot the fucking Game of Thrones cunts because we know well I say we know I've met Jack Gleeson

once or twice he's played Joffrey and that obviously launched him to fame so much so that he was like oh I'm never going to fucking do this again because this is everyone in the world hates me and i'm like yeah yeah

because you're really good at what you do you do a really good bad guy yeah like really hateable um we also got a photo with um the baratheon boy what's his name again who Who? The one that booked Arya Stark The Baratheon boy The smithy Oh Yeah, I get it The bastard Baratheon Aye

Yeah Aye We got a photo with him at Bristol Square Yeah, he's nice He's very nice I've had a few celebrity meetings in my life But two stand out And one of them was our boy Kai

Okay so you've got one celebrity story That's me Little old me I was shot up in a psych ward a few years back Before and during the starts of Covid Fucking who needs a psych ward before Covid You're a pussy Just getting in while it's not busy

You know what I mean She's 20 Hipster mental illness Yeah yeah yeah Like in a band before the blow up You know what I mean Or by the sense of the thing Like in a band before you blow up

I kind of discovered the boys a wee while before But then only found out about the pod in late Late 2018 Early 2019 When I was locked up in the ward not doing so hot I kind of discovered the boys a wee while before, but then only found out about the pod in late 2018, early 2019. When I was locked up in the ward, not doing so hot, I found the pod again and started listening to them all. And for the first time in fucking ages, I started to smile and laugh again. I'm just picturing one flew over the cuckoo's nest

with it over the tannoy. It's not even in your headphones. It's like playing. There's people rocking in the corner. Man, it's not in her headphones. It's not in the tannoy. She's just losing her mind She's just going

Like we have never existed Yeah I think someone pointed out to me That the only time I smiled and laughed Was when I was listening to Watching their stand up So as you do In the middle of the night

Message my Susan Cream Instagram account Saying that listening to the pod Has been the only thing That's kept the spark going in me And I just wanted to say They were doing some good work In the world

Think it'd be mentioned On the pod that Kai Wanted to put good into the world which prompted the message and Kai messaged me back and he was genuinely happy that I had messaged. Thank fucking god you're in charge of our Instagram account. Hi guys, just to let you know that your podcast really saved me during a dark

fucking time. Shut up and subscribe to the Patreon you fucking bag of shit. And if you're suicidal suicidal put us in the will and people would go it's just Daniel being Daniel they'd say it as affection it's his love language oh correct

they were helping and he was really glad they were helping and then checked in with me and then when Covid hit and did Twitch, kept asking how I was getting on and sent me a cameo and roasted me in the best way about being used to being locked up.

Yeah, great. Awesome. And Lauren always checks in on Natalie when it's a full moon. Yeah. She's like, how are you guys with a full moon? She knows that one moon affected. Disney film movies here since it's

film's movie here since it's cheap so I don't know where that is. So I ended up being an extra in High School Musical for about a week

in 2005. You're going to say it's like a jam? No, I fucking hate High School Musical but like I haven't hated High School Musical since I was like

16 years old when I was in high school. Like this is like Were you in high school whens since I was like 16 years old and I was in high school. Like this is like... Were you in high school when high school music was on? I often forget how much older I am than you. Yeah, that was... Yeah, because that wasn't even on my radar,

high school musical. Yeah, a girl broke up with me because I just went on a massive rant about how it was the lowest form of entertainment. And then I wrote Jigsaw. That was her. That was the girl. And Muff.

Zac Efron and Corbin Blue were the sweetest. Took photos, talked with everyone. Hold on, Blue. Corbin Blue. Most of the rest of the cash was kept to the rest Of the main people The second one still haunts me Good In 2019 Lewis Capaldi did his US tour

Last minute they announced The signing I was so starstruck That when he went to give me A handshake I told him How dare you And forced him to give me a hug

He seemed very startled by me Basically calling him rude But was classy Went along with it Took photos and chatted With everyone else Even though the event Was only supposed to be a

signing series and went two overs over at the event time oh if you've got any anxiety about that I promise you

right now that is purely in your fucking head right there's if you've made a bad interaction with a celebrity

I'll fucking call you I'll be the first to tell you that you fucked off no one Lewis and what you described there nothing absolutely nothing don't overthink Interact with a celebrity I'll fucking call you I'll be the first To tell you that you Fucked off Knowing Lewis And what you described there I know it Nothing

Don't over Absolutely nothing Don't overthink that Not worth thinking about At all Like I promise you Lewis was As riddled with anxiety

As you were at the time Would not worry about it Tim Minchin is really small He is That's all I have to add We met Tim Minchin At the At Rockness

There was a little while where If you googled Kai Humphrey's wife the picture of me and Tim Mention showed up Oh Because you know when You type your name into google it will prompt you For what to put next It prompted wife and then

Me and Tim Mention come up So I wonder If anybody thought That we were married Me and Minchin I used to live up the road From JK Rowling Surprise surprise

She was a cunt Oh I remember one altercation Altercation I wouldn't even know What JK Rowling looked like You know I would

I remember one altercation I approached her To tell her what JK Rowling looked like, you know. I would. I remember one altercation I approached her to tell her to pick up her dog shit. She said, I said, excuse me,

to which she replied something along the lines if you want a photo be quick about it in a rude, dismissive, cunty tone. You took a picture

of the dog shit. I replied, who the fuck are you, you posh cow, get your shirt picked up before I snap your dog in half. It wasn't until

we were down to the pony park that one of the people in his group clued me in on who she

was snap your dog in half it's like a twig that's fucking funny

that's great um Keanu Reeves met me on princess street fucking hell Keanu Reeves is a shout like he was walking That's fucking funny. That's great. Keanu Reeves met me on Princess Street. Fucking hell. Keanu Reeves is a shout like. He was walking down towards St. James's outside the record building

and I was hanging out there smoking on my break and I was just staring at him like no fucking way someone looks that much like Keanu Reeves. He gave me a wee smile and head tilt almost to be like I am who I am and approached me and asked if I was local. He was like, not touching kink things were in Edinburgh so I told him about Dean village and Dean Park for those who don't know it's just part of

Edinburgh where only Dean's live and Mary King's clothes and the botanics and some other BS I can remember but he was just so fucking normal like the minute we got into a conversation, I forgot I was speaking to Neil Wick, 10 out of 10 with me again. Yeah, I've only heard that he's fucking... Aye. He'd be like,

it would be a fucking shockwave if it turned out that he'd done anything wrong. Yeah. I kind of hope he does. Yeah. Well, just... Don't trust anyone. And not because I want him to be a bad

person or i take any joy in him being a bad person just so you can stop worrying about it no but i just i there's part of me a really evil part of me that loves when sort of fandoms are destroyed and they sort of self-immolate. There's something really, and this is a horrible thing, but I never don't enjoy it. It happened to you. See whenever,

see whenever a big fat celebrity, right? Who's loved for being big and fat decides I'm going to go skinny and look after my health. And the entire fat community turns about. I will never not watch that every single iteration of that Adele Rebel Wilson

who by the way is just one of the least funny people in the fucking world excruciating and really shit to the gay community so I was really fucking chuffed when she got all the hate that she got but I've always just think she's one of the worst in the world Adele I'm like the gay community. So I was really fucking chuffed when she got all the hate that she got.

But I've always just think she's one of the worst in the world. Adele, I'm like, Adele didn't deserve the hate because like fucking Adele's, Adele's one of the boys. Adele's a, look, Adele's a lad, right? She's obviously a very talented musician

and she's a brilliant woman, right? But she's one of the boys. She drinks tinnies, right? She belts out fucking absolute anthems. Like I would, she's in of the boys. She drinks tinnies, right? She belts out fucking absolute anthems. Like, I would... She's in my top five. If I could drink with her and get drunk... Where are you getting this info from?

Adele! It's notorious. Notorious that Adele's just a fucking... Just a good boy. Are you thinking of Lorde? No. That's Randy Marsh. I've never met anyone in the very limited celebrity circles that i'm in

who's met adele and doesn't have a adele is literally just the most down-to-earth fucking she's just a check that can say does that only happen uh women when uh celebrity loses weight and the women that follow are like distraught because they've been let down by them like you know if Johnny Vegas stopped drinking would a lot of people be like

what the fuck fuck dude I was following you into war well there was the big there was a big fat bloke

from My Name is Earl who gave up all his fucking drinking and he's now hench hench I don't think

he got any hate really like if Lewis Capaldi got ripped like I don't think there'd be any

there wouldn't be anybody just going whoa you are our guy yeah em fucking em oh come on

fucking Jonah Hill he fluctuates a bit uh huh eh goes up and down but he's never really given hate for going up and down

um do you think that's a society problem and men can do anything without weight and it just goes without batting an eyelid you think that's a society problem that men can do anything without weight and it just goes without batting an eyelid and then there's a media storm probably nobody's even that bothered that Adele's lost weight

but the media will just fucking whip people into a frenzy by just being innately misogynistic I mean maybe and there is a thing of like if a man's fat he can at least be the funny friend and don't get me wrong there is obviously the old women trope of just being the fat friend is as well but maybe yeah maybe it is just fucking industry sexism that it's more acceptable amongst a man um but it doesn't just stay to fucking fat people see if there's nothing

I wish more for there's nothing I pray more for in the world Than like it to turn out That like Arsenal legends Are Despicable paedophiles Oh man I love Terry Audrey but if it were to

Come out that he were as bad As Jimmy Savile I would have The person who wrote x you are watching the stuff about thomas part a guy and i hope it sticks i hope it sticks no i just think there's there's there's something about follow like i remember this moment in here it was really like fucking like it sticks with us i was doing the blade and races which is a slight slightly less than 10k like 5.4 miles or something um it's quite a fast run and i was

following this guy because it's quite crowded the streets in newcastle are crowded on this run right and i'm just following this guy zigzagging in and out of everybody and i'm just on his route i'm slipstreaming the guy i'm having a fucking tough time because he's fast right but i'm getting through everybody and then i get like halfway through the run and he just stops me and i'm like the fuck i needed you you'll get me through this whole thing yeah and then i was on my own running on my own trying to maintain that pace. I feel like that's what happens when you're following somebody. That's a motivation to you,

and then they turn up to leave you behind. Yeah. Well, I think that's another fucking, a big aspect of it for me, where I was just like, we've discussed this several times The fucking reason I despise That X clip

Going fucking viral every time Is because it ignores That one and a half fucking minute clip of X Ignores the 73 and a half other minutes Of the show X Where I talk about what a bag of shit I am What a bag of shit I am what a bag of

show used to be all of my talks yes if yeah the lad culture like my complicity my indulgence over all of this other fucking stuff so I miss is that close to sanctimonious Oh actually being like really confessional all the way through it oh man that clip was viral and people be like is this your God and I'm like I should be anyone's fucking God like the whole fucking point of that show is, the whole point of X was to get, man, you don't need to convince women. You don't need to convince women that sexual assault is men's responsibility. Not all of the time, but it's at least half. You don't have to convince women of that fact.

You have to convince men of that. And if you attack men, they do not fucking listen. It would be nice if they did, but they don't. So you have to bring them on side. And the worst thing you can do, the worst thing you could fucking do, if you want to make sure

that no man is on your fucking team ever, what you do is you show them another man and go, you should be more like him. And I guarantee you, every man goes, who the fuck is that? That's what you're doing

whenever you make that fucking clip from Mexico viral. You're playing a fucking target on my back and you're undermining the value of the entire fucking show. Share the show. Share the show. Do not share the clip. Never share the fucking clip. But the real one where somebody was running and looking at you and you're the person keeping them in the game was Jigsaw. I broke up with me missus.

I broke up with me missus. I broke up with me missus. I broke up with me fella. Life's going to be better now. Why are you getting married? Again. You're married now, are you? Again. Fuck.

Am I going to run this on my own? People not understanding. Could not have made my positions more clear on everything. This is why I'll never understand. I've said this a couple of times in the past couple of days, but I want to fucking reiterate it. I fucking hate, with a passion, celebrities that say shit like,

I love my fans. I think that is one of the most toxic outlooks that you can have. It's a bit of a broad stroke. I love my fans is I love... I've met some of the best people in I love my fans is I love I've met some of the best people in the world from your fans and I've met some of the fucking craziest

cunts in the world I am grateful for my fans I am unbelievably grateful for my fans I would not have the career I had today if it were not

for the people that have supported me over the fucking years I am grateful for my fans do I love them? absolutely fucking not you love some of them daily some of them ended up at your wedding

Well no those are just friends Aye they are now But I started off by enjoying your comedy Don't fucking make people think That they can be my friend No no I'm not But be friends I'm not

But like We have made bonding friendships With people Who Were met at gigs Yeah But Just to reiterate

That part of my life is fucking over do not think i cannot make it i cannot make it fucking clear enough that if you ever fucking meet me and you're a fan there is zero chance you and me are ever becoming friends never in a million fucking years that time of my life that type of my downtime is fucking dead in the water it is not i've got me pals I've got no no no no I'm open to new fucking

battles I'm not making them at fucking stage door and it's an awful I tell him at my wife not a fan though she was

at a gig she wasn't there to see me she was there because comedy was on I'm grateful for my fans I care about a lot of

my fans I wish my fans well I do not love lot of my fans. I wish my fans well. I do not love them and I owe them fuck all. That's true. You don't need to tell them. No, I do. I think it's way more disgusting for...

No, no, no. The problem with the word... Fans are fanatics, right? Please, if you are a fan of mine get it into your fucking head, I'm a very boring angry flawed person like the fucking rest of us, if you like what I

do, I'm super fucking grateful that is what I was going for but any ideas of Perfection or even Innate goodness That you see in me is projected from you You've got to figure it out

Yeah I've no idea what I'm doing Well not no idea I'm very good at stand up But that's about it You're a good dad Yeah because Cara's there You're an outright mate I'm okay I'm an okay friend That's an outright

Depends on the day, depends what mood I'm in Bad listener Bad listener and I wouldn't want to be anyone's inspiration Like that's the Like Bad listener. Bad listener. And I wouldn't want to be anyone's inspiration. Like that's the, like, I just, I just don't, I don't know if there's a comedian that I,

there's comedians that I love their stand up, but I don't think there's a comedian who I look up to as a person. Is there any comedians that you role model? Like that you see as role models? No. Absolutely fucking not. Isn't that odd? Like even comedians that I admire.

Cheat on their wives. Like even ones that don't. Like, go on. Like, I admire Tom Stade. He doesn't cheat on his wife. Nope. Not my role model. No, absolutely not my role model.

Bill Burr doesn't cheat on his wife. Admire him. Not my role model. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a fucking role model. Anthony fucking Jeselnik. Love him. Think he is...

Oh, Shane Gillis. The best in the world right now now as far as I'm concerned love his stuff role model not even a fucking little bit Cosby some of the goats are flawless Robin Williams

can I be a role model No because again He can't be a role model He wasn't happy Yeah and he didn't Yeah Didn't get the help he needed And that's not to blame

That on him by the way But just Yeah I don't know It's hard Why is there not many Role models in my craft? Because the whole point of the craft is to be Be slightly broken and show them your cracks

Yeah It's to go in there and to not It's to be deeply flawed And to you know Not pave over the cracks But to sort of reveal them and find beauty in them But to make sure that you don't pass those gaping flaws off as you like to acknowledge your flaws and and and make fun of them but not celebrate them and the idea of being a fan of a

comedian I guess takes it beyond that of I'm going to celebrate these flaws as opposed to what we all did was let's all point and laugh at the fucking hole And not put that same Hole in our own psyche I want to be someone's role model I don't I don't even think I want to be my Son's role model

I'll do that, I'll be his role model I'd rather be my son's role model Than you be my son's role model. I'll do that. I'll be his role model. Oh, no, I'll do it. I'd rather be my son's role model than you'd be my son's role model. I'll be Keira's role model. That's all right. That's that fixed. Right. I'm going to go and drink more, to be honest.

So next time you see us, we'll be in the studio and we'll have seen my partners and we'll be, we'll be a little bit more joyous. Thanks for listening. And thanks for writing in. Sorry we didn't get all of the messages. Yeah.