Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Nothing Compares to You

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Muggins returns from holiday and discovers Cream a wee bit down in the dumps so they chat it out like modern men. They discuss their feelings, share their toxic traits and look at the dangers of jealousy and comparing yourself to other people. 

Hello podcast listeners and watchers First and foremost, as we always have to do We have to thank the Patreon listeners and viewers Before the rest of you fucking scumbags Because they actually contribute to the piece of shit That you're about to consume I mean, I say that I think today was a good episode

Kai has come back from a holiday And he's feeling pretty good I started with low energy, wasn't my best mental health day but we spoke about it in a healthy way that you're meant to and then we, I mean to be honest I think we've rehashed some stuff that we've spoken about before when it comes to jealousy and whatnot but it was in the tone of the day. We cover toxic masculinity again, how we're pieces of shit in that aspect. We cover how to maybe be a bit better to yourselves.

I'm making it sound way more wanky than it actually fucking is. And I also shouldn't preface it by calling it wanky. Talking about your feelings is a good thing to do. But I wouldn't be a toxic man if I didn't insult myself for showing a shred of vulnerability. So thank you for giving me the space to do that and the courage and the money to feel it. Thanks for contributing to the fucking podcast. We'll see you on Thursday for the Patreon listeners and for the rest of you.

We'll see you next Monday. Enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.

Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Good morning, Cream. Hiya. How are you? Not ideal. Not ideal?

Nah. What's eating you? No, no, just woke up with like a shitey stomach and then like a slightly low... Doing another ailments episode? No, no, not there yet.

Well, in a way, I woke up with a bit of a shitey stomach and then just like, I mean, i don't know how often you get them but there's some days i'm getting better at diagnosing myself or i just go up and i go oh it's a low mental health day it's not in the pets it's not like how you wake up and you go there's nothing to do today but you know when you wake up and just the first thing that happens annoys you and you're like well that's that's a bad start and not only has it

annoyed me i've not done anything to... To remedy it. Or to try and react better. Have you read Furiously Happy? No. It's a mental health book. She's a very funny woman. I forget what she's called now.

Jennifer something? Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence. All right, great. Good for her. Happy and angry, it's called. People are screaming at the podcast because it's their favourite book.

So I tried this thing about like spoons. You wake up with a certain amount of spoons and everything that your day takes up a spoon. So you like wash the dishes, there's a spoon. And it costs a spoon. Lame. And like, what, a dog has a spoon and you've just got your spoons left.

Some days you have loads of spoons. Normally... I think that's a really really shit metaphor it's really bad what are the fucking spoons for oh mate she's quirky isn't she

she's quirky motherfucker that's how she gets through it she's like I'm going to be random surely

even forks would be better because then at the end of the day or whatever time of the day you run out of forks you can say I've run out of forks would be better because then at the end of the day when you've or whatever time of the day you run out of forks you can say I've run out of forks to give

and then that's that's better what's the spoon thing I could not give a spoon mate yeah I couldn't give a I couldn't give a single one of me fucking spoons son I was having a nice day

and then everyone was ladling it on me thick and now I feel like my head's on the chopping board there's too much on me thick. And now I feel like my head's on the chopping board. There's too much on me plate. This woman cannot, even when she's happy, cannot get her metaphors out of the kitchen.

She cannot. You did like the book, though, yeah? You know, I went to a book club with a bunch of cat ladies and well-loved it. Because that's when I did the book club with the Twitch stream. It was one of our book club books. And I's when I did the book club with the twitch stream it was one of my book club books and I was definitely

not who the book was aimed at but I still liked it I got through it quite easily here's a horrible thing to say

that part of me does mean I have read self-help books before at different times in my life because you can

read most of them in five hours right but the thing about self-help books is every single one of them is the exact right but the thing about self-help books is all every single one of them is the exact same thing

it's the same thing like fucking what these get rich quick people are which is bro science as well yeah I like Wim Hof shit

that I've been getting cold showers and heavy breathing and all that but it's what this and all these things are the same thing

right which is you find a way you find that it's not a god and it's not a religion but it's a very minor version of a god and a religion and it's either toxic happiness or it's you know or look self-love being aggressively self-loving in the mirror every day and always having positive thoughts and all these things are is they're just going right whatever your current mantra in your head is you might not even have one i'm gonna offer you a better one and when you're able to

focus on this and you apply in everyday fucking life and self-help books work for anywhere between one day and three weeks and at the end of three weeks you go i'm not doing that anymore still back to normal yeah yeah you just sort of regress and also and this is the bit that's horrible i don't think you should take advice from anyone that wrote a self-help book and this is coming

from somebody who wrote a self-help book well no mine was well yeah yeah but yeah also yes

what what are you listening to me for the entire lesson of my book is don't listen to this shit I don't know what I'm fucking talking about

and people are like oh yeah that's a good idea I'm going to do that and this is what happens and this is what so many people get fucking credit for by so many people

I mean the likes of Joe Rogan and stuff right which is for some reason people put a lot of kudos and weight in people being like look I'm a fucking idiot

but here's my thoughts and people go but he knows he's an idiot and you go that doesn't make him smart knowing you're a fucking it's the first step in a thousand to becoming actually intelligent, right?

We do that a lot, though. Don't listen to us after being really passionate about something. Yes, but we don't hide, I feel, at least, with our ignorance. We'll acknowledge our ignorance. We're different. We're not like all the other girls. We'll acknowledge our ignorance and then do stuff. We'll it there it is it's not hiding mine joe rogan hides behind you know i just i just ask questions and you go i'm inquisitive yeah and you go you

don't ask the right questions and what you do is you have people with you just agree when people answer with ah and you don't challenge their you know shittittiness if you're not intelligent and you're not passing on life advice well you know you shouldn't be passing on life advice it's important to add those caveats in there, that's why I always add it in my stand up because my stand up sounds intelligent because you wrote it

because I wrote it and I practised it you ran it past your dad I replaced all the big words with bigger words just to make myself seem more intelligent it's all part of the fucking so I'm gonna take

I'm gonna take it back to the spoons here right because I wake up normally and I've just got fucking spoons for days I'm normally angry with that but every now and again

I'll be like on a comedown or something and I'm like spoons is that the type of day you were having the day I don't know if it was a comedown I think it was just

and it wasn't even like a big one but like there's times you know when I when I'm in a bad mood like that I don't know if it was a come down, I think it was just, and it wasn't even like a big one, but, like, there's times, you know, when I,

when I'm in a bad mood like that, I get annoyed at myself that I'm in the fucking bad mood. I'm like, for what? I'm like, you just woke up. What's bothered you already? Like,

how have you got into the day with this attitude? I mean, you obviously do have the advantage of, you know, if somebody hands you your child who all they want to do

is smile at you, that'll set you right. A fair bet, aye. Yeah, mate, I woke up in bed where I nearly said three dogs. We're Natalie and two dogs this morning. I was clueless where I was because, bear in mind, the last three nights I've been on the sesh, I've been on a stag do slash 40th birthday party fucking just holiday with the boys who haven't really

spent much time together since before the pandemic and then so last so yesterday I get in and Natalie put us up from the airport she was like

I've got a surprise for you in your study it's your birthday coming up in a tomorrow oh is it aye good friend best pal are you well no you know what now here's how it's for Beth they're coming up with it tomorrow oh is it aye good friend that's Palo here

well no you know what now here's how not only bad a friend I am but here's how self involved I am I was like

can't believe Cara didn't remind me because it's because it's my mum's birthday Saturday and the only reason I know that is because last week

Cara went it's your mum's birthday next week I was like cool I'll buy her something on her birthday and she's like she's in cool, I'll buy her something on her birthday. She's like, she's in India on her birthday. Buy her something beforehand.

I'm like, good, good. You're here for a reason. But she didn't tell me it was your birthday, so she's failed. Oh, unless it was calculated and she's a dick. Very possible. She shows that true colour sometimes, Cara. That's like my catchphrase song.

Every time, because she's such a lovely woman, but every time she says something like shotgun remark like you show your true colours we also just like anytime somebody

says something innocuous if you can pretend that what they said was immensely offensive is one of my

favourite bits like oh whoa like man I thought that would have written thin new because that's been going for a while that bit it's man it's a stupid bit and it's is one of my favourite bits. Whoa! Man, I thought that would have run thin now because that's been going on for a while, that bit.

Man, it's a stupid bit and it's one of those bits that doesn't belong on stage or in real life. But, you know, day-to-day shite banter that just always tickles you. It's like Troy offering to make one of the groanies. He says, do you all want one of the groanies? Whoa! Everyone in the room is room like what the fuck

dude me and Cullen were playing FIFA yesterday and he scored a great goal and he goes did you see

that little jink there it's such low low energy low batter but it just it tickles

the spot but the further from the mark it is and the quicker it is the better yes

and also the more oh we do from the mark it is and the quicker it is the better yes and also the more oh we do it we do it to Tom Horton in the WhatsApp group whenever he compliments somebody

like whoa mate fucking why you're not like he's complimenting him and it just makes it look insincere

yes right isn't that like a variation of that game yeah it's like a spin off yeah if somebody's saying something fine and normal and if everyone else in the that game yeah it's like a spin off yeah if somebody yeah if somebody's saying

something fine and normal and if everyone else in the room reacts then it's the worst thing congratulations on getting good morning Britain Milo and we're like oh for fuck's sake Tom

let him have his moment why are you taking that of him oh mate one of my favourite bits spawned on the holiday I've just been on is you know when you're on a lads group

about like 10 pats can gan and people can get a bit angry and people can snap at each other anytime somebody got angry or snapped we just

accused them of being horny he's fucking so horny this lad he just needs a

shag someone shag Demas so Demas was a grump was he he was

aggressively horny Daniel aggressively horny but it's just such a funny

thing because it diffuses any anger immediately the minute you accuse Aggressively horny. But it's just such a funny thing because it diffuses any anger immediately the minute you accuse someone of being horny. Aye. So, I'm driving in and Natalie's... I've got something for you in the house. And I'm like, oh, what's it going to be?

Because she's already bought me a birthday present. Oh, I love languages and odd gifts. Like, just give each other money. She bought me some trainers. We were shopping for my stuff for each other money she bought us some trainers while we were shopping for my stuff for my holiday

and she bought us some trainers they're like sweet oh so you know what they look like we've got them on so those what I was going to say

you do have new trainers yep so er gets in the hoose we're both wearing Adidas aye like the Towley ones off Spongebob

Towley from Spongebob aye man aye my favourite shoes in the whole wide world Towley from South Park Delgan Delgan and his Tolly from Spongebob my favourite shoes in the whole wide world Tolly from South Park Delgan

Delgan his eyes change colour and they get more stoned depending on the temperature in the room and they're childish honestly

aye you've got mood eyes on your trainers aye after this we'll go out and they'll come in they'll look dead red and they'll look more stoned

it's class I'm 31 years old I like that a lot oh I love them they're my favourite shoes big fan of that open me study and there's like

a cage with mice in it it's just like got your mice for your birthday how many mice? two two mice? two mice two meese

meeses meeses fuck fuck Two? Two mice. Two mice. Two meese. Meeses. Meesos. Fuck. Fuck the rest of this podcast. Fuck the absolute, what the fuck? Do you not remember from your stag? Where I fucking were playing that game with a sushi game and one of them was meesos soup.

Oh, yeah. And Troy kept going miso soup like I am so soup didn't make any sense so everybody hears it and just like okay mate just didn't laugh carry on and he's like oh they mustn't have heard us I'm going to take the joke again

to be fair that is also one of my favourite comedy tropes which is whenever you do a joke that just doesn't get the reaction you want, so then just lick your lips away for another level of silence and then say it louder and then explain it to him.

Make repeating it the joke because the joke didn't land and you're like, I've got a reserve parachute. I've got a safe face here. Yeah. I think I had a line on stage where it was like,

if a joke doesn't go down well, I was like, oh man, I thought that was going to crush. Like in my head, I was going to do that, I'll laugh, I'll have a good time. You know what I feel like I've done? I feel like I've walked in with a helium balloon, took a big lungful and went to talk with a silly voice

and talk normally, and I've just took a big lungful of someone else's breath. That's how you might as feel there, by not laughing at that. So I always had one gag that could flop, because now that the salvage gag is going to get into trouble. Good old salvage gag in me locker.

So I get in, I've got mice for my birthday. I'm like, fucking, that's going through my head. All that's going through my head is you've got a pet snake at this point. Oh, that would have been alright if that was the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you walk in, she's's like i got you two mice and you're like what and then she drapes a snake

around your neck like some sort of scarf and you're like oh and then i just lie down next to it to see if i'm big enough to eat it um i was like right i've just got to spend the next whale just trying to get this into her office instead of mine. It's going to stink with my office. I'm not going to clean the room. Two mice. It was a chore. Do they have names? One's called Butterscotch and one's called Caramel or something.

Declan Mice. Declan Mice. As a collective, I can't Declan Mice. Gondolisa. Gondolisa. Gondolisa Mice. Annika Mace? Yeah, I mean it's all

It's all just Mace So no, they won't be present Natalie just thought it would be a very funny prank to pretend that she got as Mace But who do the mice belong to? We're mice sitting for Natalie's friends, our friends, we're married

we share friends, so you're my friend, you're Natalie's friends our friends we're married now we share friends so you're my friend you're Natalie's friend we're going to separate isn't it the force we're looking after the mice

and I went to the kitchen the dog and owl we've got a two dog household at the minute and so we've got Indy which is funny because it's Independence Day

today so that's what I was going to ask you know how it's Independence Day today in America... Oh, yeah? That's what I was going to ask, right? You know how it's Independence Day today? In America? In America. If you'd got your independence in 2014, would you have an Independence Day that you celebrated? I think we...

But I don't know if it would have been, like, the day that the vote goes through or the day that we actually got independence, because there was a Brexit Independence Day, mind? Aye, because that's... Like't like do they have like an annual brexit independence day to like people who wanted it celebrated yeah did they all right because it's because it's like so far gone new independence day everyone in america celebrates independence day right but would there

have been that first few years where it was just contentious where the people that didn't want independence or like oh fucking nine oh not not. Or maybe not in America, because I feel like at that point, when they got independence from Britain, and Britain were being fucking cunts to them, because, I mean, it was ours. And also, it wasn't like a vote for independence,

it was a civil war for independence. Ah, well, basically, they sent, I think the I think the queen at the time was basically had all the colonies and we were just overcharging them

for everything like if Americans wanted to print on their newspapers or whatever they had to print it on British paper in Britain

so like ship the paper over there to be printed and then for it to be back and taxed both directions and taxed on the paper and selling it for half and I went to the place of the Boston Tea Party when we were in Boston, and that was all like fucking levies on tea and shit like that,

so they just dumped it in the cover. Yeah, yeah, people go, oh my God, they got rid of tea, and you've got to understand, back in those days, tea wards came in like squares, and it was kind of like what hash looks like now, and the way tea worked is... Got any tea, man? I'll suck a dick. That is the British at the time I got these cheeseburgers man

you'd like scrape bits of the leaves off into the the pot and that would so each block of these would make let's say hypothetically

10,000 cups of tea and they put 10,000 of those so it was like a ridiculously large amount so when they eventually

got their independence from us they were like this is fucking great and then they eventually got their independence from us they were like this is fucking great and then they also had their own civil war

later and I don't think they ever because that wasn't really independence Martin Pritchard is there a celebration of the day that they

beat the Confederates there must be there must be aye they have days all the time doesn't it aye

so aye last night right because the two dogs of the same so aye last night right because like the two the two dogs of the same breed

in the house right both calvapoo's right one of them's a ten year old boy that's just like just happy little chap just stroll and run like like move and run

like a slug in this little yappy thing that wants to play and had them in separate rooms but attacking each other through the rooms

and went downstairs to try and figure it out and ended up just in the each other through the rooms and went downstairs to try and figure it out and ended up just in the spare room on the bed and I woke up this morning just like the spare room

the bed's a bit smaller than the one I know I just woke up like absolutely cramped with like two dogs in my last sleep and I couldn't move anywhere it was fucking

it was me it was me one night sleep back from my holder so I have shabby how long do you have the dog for? till tomorrow are you you pointing at peggy are you pointing to the other dog are you pointing at indy to peggy being like you see how you see how this dog doesn't bark at light bulbs and well box is sleep though

it's like it's just like i haven't been an arm or something but like it has proper sop it sleeps it's been enormous but it has proper soppit sleeps has proper PTSD sleeps can quiet us out through the day through the night

it's like no ah cats are mad cats are but it's been it's been classic

Peggy's become like a proper mean girl territorial and all that like yeah that's my stuff where my indie gans Peggy's just like the fuck

I try to boss her around like well because that's the age you fuck? I try to boss around. Because that's the age you don't want to. Boss him around. I keep saying her because I feel like Indy is a girl name.

It is. It is, isn't it? But it's, the name's Jones, the family name's Jones, Indiana Jones, Indy. Oh, well,

then it's, then it's. One of the, I mean, we bring this up all the time, my name, Nazi-ness, like what names can be

and what nicknames oh yeah yeah yeah it's come up again one of Cara's friends a child called Tilly

Tilly I'm like oh so Matilda so it's Matilda oh because I only know Tilly it's like a dog's name I didn't even assume that it was a short for Matilda

Matilda or Tilda which is again short for Matilda and they're all just like Matty Matty short for Matilda. Matilda. Matilda or Tilda, which is again short for Matilda. And they're all just like, Matty, Matty, short for Matilda. Matilda Canning. She's like,

so her name's just Tilly. What was it short for? Nothing, just Tilly. It is, it is, it is short for, just because you don't think it's short for something, doesn't mean it's not short for... You know, that's something that we get angry with all for something Doesn't mean it's not short for You know that's something

That we get angry with All the time Like it's starting to come Right I'm going to start from scratch Yeah right I found out that I'm quite toxic I've only found out recently

I've been telling you for years And I've just been Steamrolling over you When you tell us That's one of the traits Yeah yeah Right There's this thing right

We've got a shot of tequilas on the first night right and Grassy went oh watch this he gets a shot round of fucking pineapple juice in

right so you have the tequila you have your pineapple juice and it makes the taste of the tequila go away immediately yeah I'm like oh right

cool right next time we're fucking ordering tequilas he's like oh I'll get a pineapple juice please and then Neofa's like I'll have a pineapple juice

Matty I'll have a pineapple juice and it's just confusing the fucking way that I'm in a different bar he doesn't speak that well English these lads are trying to get shots of pineapple juice next to that tequila

in a weird number and I'm just like fuck it just tequilas man people are watching man stop being cowards like fuck off and I'm trying to say it to them

because they're going well it makes it taste nice and I'm like aye aye right then a round of 10 beers please and I'll have a half a lemonade top mine up into a shandy so it tastes nice fuck off and I'm like aye alright then a round of 10 beers please and I'll have a half a lemonade top mine up into a shandy so it tastes nice

fuck off so I'm toxic like that and a couple of lads are just on board with us just fucking get a tequila doing it there's something lying there like it comes with it

you have that right and I'm just like it's just the same energy as like fucking getting the rail on bowling putting the ball down and fucking just scoots off

doing an oxygen or whatever right you didn't get into the gutter made you experience bowling

better because you didn't go to a ballad but just fucking bear in

mind that people can see you and you make the titty yourself it's not

like any of the lads were out pulling it's not like there was a

group of middle aged women three tables across being

like see all those balton geordies I think It's not like there was a group of middle-aged women, three tables across, being like, see all those Balton Geordies? I think I fancy four out of seven of them. Oh, wait, hold on. No, they've done pineapple shots. I've just properly dried up down there. It was just like I was reacting the same way that Mark reacted in the Stag Do,

Paul Smith's Stag Do, when Milo started making himself a rocker. You know what I mean? It's like, do that in your own time, man, reacted in the stag do, Paul Smith stag do when Milo started making himself a rocker. You know what I mean? It's like do that in your own time and not in the fucking night. Go do that in the bathroom. You can do coke on the table. People take coke openly and go out of the bathroom and have their electrolytes. It's just toxic. It's just toxic traits. It is toxic. But it was like fucking dividing the table of people that were just like, fuck off with

the pineapple juice, man. get your shot, dude. We're not getting any entertainment, we're doing it to get drunk. And then I was just like, raving off stuff that it's like, you know, everyone's on board. And then I went like, fucking driving an automatic car,

mate, I'll nine of them. I'll fucking nine of them, just fine. So I'm driving an automatic, like. I'm like, what, did you pass your test in an automatic, didn't you? Is that why? And Rick, it's just is like would you wind the window do you want a window winder

and I was like it's not quite the same is it like I'm on fucking well Nick Cody's got the joke which is would you churn your own butter and you go

you know I understand what you're saying but also but you know if you did learn in an automatic car that's worse for me learning a

learning a real car and then go, right, you know what? That is boring. This is the thing. I know I'm on the wrong side because I'm so heavily, that doesn't mean I'm on the wrong side. I'm so heavily outnumbered

and plus that's the way the world's going because the market's made for that. I'm not a petrol head on out. I don't fucking care that much about the car. I just didn't want to have that feeling when I need to change gear. I didn't want to pull out though if I take the car in front of us

and then wait for it to decide when I speed up. I think it's just fucking good to just have all of the control of driving to you. Every time the fucking lane assist comes on, I'm just like, stop tinkering with the bits that are fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't let you leave this thing because you're not indicating i'm not indicating because it's two

in the morning and i'm on a four-lane fucking highway and there's nothing behind me stop keeping me in the fucking lane um so i i know that it's kind of going that way because when i was buying my car it was like everything was like triptronic they'll give it names like triptronic just to make people feel a bit better we'd buy an automatic do you want an automatic what about this Triptronic I already make this

soon a bit more manly everything's going towards electric so now eventually I'm going to be the fucking guy that slagged off

people with little dogs and buys a little dog I'm going to be that guy but at the minute I'm digging I'm one of the

last ones left digging my heels we've had this debate before and I'll bring it up again electric cars are not automatic cars there's nothing automatic

about them because there's no gears so therefore there's no changing between the gears automatic or not there's nothing is that all electric vehicles or is that just Tesla

no there's no gears aye well hybrids I imagine definitely have the gears and stuff but full electrics are not aye there's no gearbox

it's just, it's scale electrics isn't it I just get the feeling, we sometimes get them on the I get that feeling that you get when you step onto an escalator and that's not moving that is weird just that fucking lurch in your stomach

this isn't what I it's like the body version of you putting something in your mouth, expecting one thing, and then getting an entire thing. Oh yeah, I love olives. But if you offer me a grape, and I take an olive.

Yeah, and the hackies you want to go with is thinking a raisin cookie. It's a chocolate chip cookie. And then go, yum, yum. I liked raisins, but not when I thought I was getting chocolate. Yes. Oh, the fucking,

one of the, it was, fucking, you would have hated it. Like sardines can run. There's a big barbecue at the beach bar. Had these fucking lush sardines on right there. They're in the runs, right? And fucking,

Demas got a handful of sand and poured it out of the ones that were left right we're toxic lads right and he goes I've put a bit of pepper on them

and passed it around and everyone just went why have you fucked them you fucked them what have you done because we're so immediately out of sand he hasn't put pepper on

there's a handful of sand in and then fucking Rickets and Gareth the other lad that was there doesn't matter right grab one each

I didn't mind they just started crunching doing nothing like there was quite obviously a handful of sand on them what are you doing just growing their teeth

doing the stumps so that would have been jarring for them yeah you know how I've come back from partying for three days and I seem quite chipper

and I seem like I don't feel like I haven't got that like post-holder blues, that like hangover. I was nearly in hell. You know, like after the bull run

when I nearly died and then I didn't die so everything was just a bonus and I'm just in a good mood. It wasn't a life or death moment but to you it would have been, you would have killed yourself, right?

I'm in a massive queue for fucking, to get, I couldn't check in online, right? right I'm in a massive queue for fucking to get I couldn't check in online right so I'm trying to check in you know TUI have you heard of TUI

T-U-I I think it might have been Thomas Cook that kind of fucking swoosh so I booked through Skyscanner I took the cheapest option right sorry to interrupt you

because I don't want to get back to this but you've actually brought up something that I want to which I think is I can't believe this is a society we've let you've actually brought up something that I want to which I think is I can't believe as a society we've let this go past this is something that should be so instantly illegal

for companies to do companies like Skyscanner or any fucking airline when you search for flights and then you go oh cool I'll go and text my missus that I've found the flights and then when you search them again

they go oh twice the price that should be illegal across the fucking board instantly fucking legal they remember your cookies and shit

now you've been looking for one yeah yeah that's not the price of the fucking thing you just know I've come back and everybody checks twice no one buys them the minute they see it

I cannot believe that any government in the world has allowed fucking companies to do that imagine that you walk into hi sorry

can I just get can I get two steak bakes two sausage rolls and how much are they? Two quid each? Yeah, great. I'll just go. I think my missus wants something.

I'll be back in two seconds. And a pizza slice. What do you mean they're six quid? Six quid now. Well, now we know you want food. Well, now you're hungry now. It's a fucking disgrace. You're getting hungrier the longer that it goes's on so I'd buy them new before it

goes up can you imagine the fucking the hell on earth right which is if you googled tickets to come

see my fucking show right on my fucking website and I saved this person here has come to see

they've tried to book four tickets but they've gone away to see if they can get four of their friends to come along

it's in the basket they're ready to buy them and I'm like 75 quid now. They're like, why? Well, because I know you want them. Fuck.

You were about to buy them. No, I've just marked up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's inflation. It doesn't go that fucking quick, you cunts. The cunts. And the worst cunts, that crime is fucking pales in comparison

to what actually happened. So, you know, it was TUI used British Airways as a third partner and I'm like... I'm like, sweet, I'm fucking flying back British Airways, I'll get the lounge, I've got my fucking...

British Airways is a fucking shell of the company it was. So, a queue up, right? So I kind of check in online on British Airways or on TUI, I kind of check in online, right? I didn't even have a fucking suitcase so I'd fucking load.

Sorry, is this the flight out or back? Back, back. Got you. Right, so it loads us to Ghanian, that bit extra early, to stand in a queue of families with luggage so that I can just get me boarding pass that you could give us on my phone, right? So I stand in this queue, right, and I get to the front and they go, oh, we're not checking in that flight until two hours before the flight, right?

9.15, and it was like 8.45. We're just checking in the Dusseldorf flight. So I queued for it, right? And then the point was over to queue in a queue of people waiting to queue. So they were waiting until 9.15 so that queue could replace the queue that was there. Whereas the screen just said 3.11 or whatever, so I went and queued. So I joined that queue, right? And the queue's massive, so everybody's had this issue.

Everybody has had this issue where they fucking couldn't check in online and knew they were fucking queuing to check in, right? And this is what had happened. TUI sold loads of tickets to the British Airways flight, but hadn't told British Airways, and British Airways had sold all the tickets for that flight. So everybody who booked this flight through TUI was just getting turned away at the desk. Families getting turned away for the flight. So everybody who booked this flight through TUI was just getting turned away at the desk.

Families getting turned away at the desk. People were like loads of kids, loads of luggage, just going, you don't have a seat on this flight that you bought a seat for. Oh my God. And I'm at the front, I'm like, so what do I do? And he's like, I don't know, phone TUI. Phone these.

And I walked away from the desk and I'm just like, fuck, I'm in Malaga. I'm hungover as fuck. I'm stuck in this horrible, it's a hell of an airport you've been in it, right? The only people that can offer you service are Spanish people. Yeah. And we'll lock on back. I want that again because that's its own podcast. Just listen back to how we feel, right?

And I'm just there and I'm fucking around Natalie and she was like, right, just book the next flight you can back, even if it's like via Heathrow or was like, right, just book the next flight you can back, even if it's like via Heathrow or whatever, right? We'll book the next flight you can back. We'll fucking take it up with Tui afterwards because I'm not phoning them in the airport. They've already got everybody ringing. And while I'm on the phone, Natalie, I went two minutes, Heathrow, check in, had a business class aisle,

which the other one didn't, right? And I was like, oh, fucking sweet, I might be able to tackle them. And I just went in, fucking, like, pretty much full of hell, and just went, look, I'm a frequent flyer with you, and showed them my membership. I was like, I've had a ticket for your flight, they wouldn't issue it. You just need to get us home.

Just get me home, I don't care how you do it, via Newcastle, via Heathrow, just get us home. The cunt's just printed me a boarding pass for us, just gives it. So what they'd done, they must have had a couple of seats left on, but they couldn't have offered everybody a seat,

so the party line was just fuck off, deal with it. Right, until, until you have value of, I'm a silver member. Aye, aye,

and I felt like this real working class guild, where like, I'd walk past these families and kids and all that, and just fucking got me a ticket. Aye. I was like, them poor cunts. I felt like I'd crossed the picket line.

I mean, I danced across it like, fucking gang, yeah, baby. So I like, as soon as I got through departures and I was through, I've just been the fucking happiest man alive because I'd already accepted me hell. Sometimes you just need the fucking threat of that kind of jeopardy to just make you go

oh life's good am I right aye and then to also just have the perspective of like saying other people just going through

that hell going alright okay maybe the things I'm going through aren't that fucking terrible it's like I remember

having like a really vivid dream once that my brother had died and then I woke up and fucking checked in on him and he was still alright

I was just like fucking thank fuck for that he said fucking thank fuck for that he said fucking self-help book that'll sort you for the next three days to three weeks

of just count your blessings and be happy for the things you have got because they're going to be gone and it's life's fleeting I mean I'm really selling up

nearly being stuck in Malaga right well I've with the with the British Airways thing because for me they're the Conor McGregor of airlines. I have the gone bad.

The milk's gone bad. So what happened is, obviously, when the pandemic happened, right, and every company thought they were going to go under, British Airways apparently just let go of 20,000 employees and just went, we can't afford to pay you. And all of those 20,000 people who'd been trained by British Airways and are all really lovely and really exceptional at their job thousand employees and just when we can't afford to pay you and all of those 20 000 people who've

been trained by british airways and all really lovely and really exceptional at the job and who should have been given job security weren't and then obviously went well fuck it we'll just go to other places and get other jobs and hopefully most of them did which in a really minor good way is it means hopefully in other parts of the service industry now there are just really well trained kind people like they're dispersed but they may be like they may be disillusioned now that the kindness went to nowhere they may they may be jaded by life by a guy like i'll work my fucking socks off with a smile on my face i had a good work ethic and then you did it like that i'm never going to do that again it's about me from now on and the turn up late and kind of give a well well

all of those people i think should just go and do what go to where all of those people go and that's heat through terminal five sophology um so natalie natalie uh told us it was um obviously the tory government other ones that fucked that it was because it happened in her industry is that the furlough scheme ended and obviously when nat Natalie worked in HR in her previous job, had to make everyone redundant after that furlough scheme ended, and then in the October or whatever, restarted the furlough, but everybody was already gone. So that fucking, that second,

I think maybe the third furlough or whatever, that was just like, oh, look, we're doing this furlough scheme, but they knew that everybody else had been pied. They knew that they were furloughing a fraction of the people that they were doing this furlough scheme but they knew that everybody else had been pied they knew that they were furloughing a fraction of the people that they were pretending to furlough because they'd already had their neck snapped by their employer that's what's fucked it up

and there's something as well about you know the flights are going to get fined if they don't use the slot that they booked. So they're booking flights that they haven't got staff for. So then when they turn up and there's not enough staff for the booking, they'll only do it so they can keep the slot.

Even though they haven't got the staff to run it. So I think they're going to put on this scheme where you don't get fined for missing your slot. Natalie explained it to us and I've just explained it worse. Aye, aye. And also, very little of it actually ended up in my brain, but it sounded.

So I think it's like they're trying to put it right, but it's... I'm not. I've been birdwilded. I'm going to have to find a new favourite airline, and I don't know, you know, how do you audition that? I feel like I'm coming out of like a, you know, imagine coming out, it's not like I got dumped.

Coming out of a relationship that you really loved and then comparing the next, like, if we were to try and compare the next girl to Natalie and Cara, we'd be in trouble, wouldn't we? Like, it would be really, that would be a difficult second album for them. Yeah, yeah, like if they were to, if Natalie and Cara were to die

and then we were to have to try and move on at one point, I just think I've been spoiled with just a sound person. And then you go out and you realise, oh God, my everyone is sound. You're not just someone just getting jealous or something, and you're like, oh God, I haven't had to deal with this. And then you bring up your ex and now you're the bad guy. Yeah, oh God, man, I don't think there's anything. Well, I think because the way me and Cara started our relationship,

which was just because we didn't think it was going to go anywhere. So I was just unapologetically 100% myself of like, this is what I am. So I think that actually led to us actually being in a healthy relationship because when we got into one, I was like, oh God, you've seen the real me. No point hiding any of this after this. See, you know, I remember in Broz's Stag Do 2014, one of my friends' Stag Do's, it was like this pool party and there was a shot girl

and Ricketts was chatting her up and he was the only man single on the holder, right? And he ended up, when he was flirting with her, she got her boobs out and he took a selfie, right? And he was the only man single on the holder right and he ended up when he was flirting with her she got her boobs out and he took a selfie right and he put the photo online and then there was just this divide in my group

where there was people's phones going off the tits they're whacking away they're on their phones right and it was the wives and girlfriends

of some of the lads who saw that it was ringing them jealous as fuck and I didn't think it was that kind of holder what he was up to out there none of us were up to anything,

right? Ricketts took a photo with a shot girl, right, in their aisle on them. One of the lads got his clothes, like,

thrown on the lawn and that, right? And we'd done, like, a bit of, and the rest of it, like,

me, Brucey, Sean, and that, we're just fucking on the loungers, just sipping our cocktails, fucking,

my lasses didn't give a fly, fuck what Ricketts is doing in Magaluf. Right. Because all your partners have met Ricketts. Right. We're all still with

our partners from then aye well our relationships are dead are they pretty much aye we went through

we went through counted them off and it was like a couple of them survived they weren't on the holder and then it was there was something

not even similar but when we were around Ocean Beach right there was a group of girls asked us to take a photo with them. I take that photo. And I was just like, oh, my mate would love to be in this photo, but he's a bit shy.

Can he get in, right? I got one of his pals in. He's lying doing another lounger. Well, he thought he was going to take the photo. And then I take my photo, and then I go, and so I'll put that on Facebook now. And there was just this shot of, like, four lads going, no, no, no.

Same fucking lads with different lasses now. The lasses were never the problem. It was probably them. They've probably put themselves in this position where it's a tit-for-tat jealousy, a one-upmanship, this constant battle for moral superiority. Or you've been a dog before.

Like you were caught being a dog. And, you know, now every time you go out there, they're like, why would I trust you when you've broken that trust before? I don't think I,

I mean, I must have been jealous at some point. There's no, there's no way with all the random insecurities I've had in my life.

Oh, I had that one, didn't I? I had that fucking moment in London that time where it was, it was one of Claire's cousins

I think Claire went to introduce him and then he was like oh don't worry about introducing us we've met and I was sat there

I was like who the fuck is this cunt what do you what do you fucking mean yes I do remember this I had to

yeah it was one of the very few times when I had to take you outside and I was like just to let you know 100% on the rock I know to take you outside and I was like, just to let you know, 100% on the wrong. I know your emotions are heightened and I know it's the booze

that's contributing to that and I know you've missed some information so all the information you've got makes it seem this way. But as one of your best friends, you are unbelievably wrong. And the reason Natalie's not backing down here is because you're wrong.

I just wanted to sit the can do who the fuck are you mate but aye I think that's the one time where I've like let's have a go on every scheme

I'm not a jealous guy in any case I just felt I felt disrespected by him at all I think have you been cheated on maybe

if I have I've done the decent thing in hitting him aye I've been sown I've done a really good job of keeping it under wraps just picked up a few maybe if I have the decent thing in him it's been sewn I did a really good job of keeping it under wraps just picked up

a few new moves come back from a holiday away and just had some belt and new moves in bed sweet I do get

I think you know if you're in a relationship and you love the person and if you get cheated on like it's got to be one of the fucking worst things it's got to be such a If you're in a relationship and you love the person and if you get cheated on, it's got to be one of the fucking worst things.

It's got to be such a reality-shattering thing for you because you thought you trusted this person and you thought they loved you and then this thing happens, which all evidence points to, that they don't and you're heartbroken and sad. I can understand the hurt that that causes and then the fucking residue

that you probably will have and the baggage you take into the next one right but it is your responsibility that's nobody else's baggage that's your

baggage and like you know if I start going out with someone and I just go to put an act around on the weekend and they're like oh you kick off because I'm a guy out with someone and I just go to put an aca on on the weekend

and they're like, oh, you kick off because I'm putting a bet on and my fucking ex-boyfriend had a big gambling problem and he got loads of debt and I ended up paying it off and all that and I'm like, aye, but I'm putting a fiver on an aca and I've got it. Like, never try and, like, fucking compare that. Because you see that happens with, like, people who don't have drug problems taking cocaine in their relationship, getting the fucking

all the backlash in that previous partner's drug problem and you're like I'm just having a fucking good night at a festival with my mates

you drink a lot my ex-boyfriend used to drink a lot that guy lost the house when your ex-boyfriend was drunk he yelled at you and said horrible things

when I get drunk I buy shit on ebay I buy these on eBay I buy these shoes because I imagine because we say this from you

know the position of not being cheated on or not knowing that we've been cheated on

so it's easy not to have that fucking residue but just jealousy is one of those for me it's

just one of those things I'm like I can't I want to respect your feelings me it's just one of those I'm like I can't I want to respect your feelings because it's obviously it's come from a real place of real heart and I acknowledge that

and I don't want you to have those feelings but I'm also not taking a lick not even a point percentage of responsibility for any of those things that you're feeling because it's something really fucking lame about it as well somebody else nearly had the thing that i want like um it's almost like the if there was a little bit of a flirtation between somebody else right

like jealousy can only push it towards that person so if you're going like if you go i don't want that person to run off with that guy or that girl the best way to not make that happen is shrug it off and be fucking cool aye

do you find yourself getting jealousy or envy at all in career? nah nah not really what's the difference

between jealousy and envy that is a good envy envious is you want what they have and jealousy

is you don't want them to have it maybe I don't know that that was just is there a difference oh definitely yeah yeah yeah

nah I think like I've not been that ambitious anyway though I'm not like I'm not that career driven envy means discontented longing for someone else's

advantages jealousy means unpleasant suspicion or apprehension of rivalship right so jealousy would be like someone taking your spot.

Like, say, if you've got a resident MC spot and someone's fucking hustling, you get jealous. No. Quick summary. Jealousy and envy both involve a feeling of desire for what another person has, but jealousy is usually thought to be more negative.

It often involves resentment towards the person. Envy is also a negative feeling, like a mix of admiration and discontent, but the word doesn't usually imply hostility. Okay. But jealousy doesn't imply hostility. No doesn't envy doesn't envy doesn't like so you can be envious of what someone's got because i i certainly and i have to i have to stop myself and i think i do i've got a success rate of nine out of fucking ten even with the career i have i'll find myself getting envious because there'll be points where I'll just be watching Taskmaster and going how's this cunt on there?

How's this cunt on there? So how do you get that? I don't really get that. I want to be honest but I don't ever resent the people that I love. I do but I feel bad about the feelings of envy because with what I've got it's insane to

look at people who you know man I've got, it's insane to, look at people who, you know, on, what, man, I've got such a fucking good career, how dare I be jealous of anyone else.

Do you not remember that, Jim Jefferies, line, or routine, where he was like, he was like, I am more successful than anyone, of my looks,

and intelligence, has any right to be, but I'll watch a fucking blockbuster film, like a Hollywood movie, and why am I not in that? Yeah, that that's i that must just be like that fucking character that's always in front of that that means that if he even got that blockbuster movie it still wouldn't be enough for him it's like that that's insatiable well because i think it's this we we have as human beings this natural sort of thing to compare ourselves to others. I'm not really 100% sure of where it comes from.

I guess it must come from survival, being like, okay, am I as big and as strong as this person? Because if it gets into a fight, I'll need to do that. But obviously what strength is now has evolved beyond just physical strength and viability. So you compare

it. And in a job where you're self-employed and you know there's an insecurity to it yeah yeah and people's careers so to then act insecure wouldn't be unnatural

yeah and people's careers progress at different fucking rates man look perfect example is Tom Allen right

god I love Tom Allen I've loved Tom Allen I love him on stage i love his company like yeah i think the first time i met tom allen was like leicester comedy festival 2008 and me him and craig hill it went out and we had the time of our fucking life and tom was so funny and so good there and then after that i ended up getting all the career advantages in my career and all this stuff and tom just wasn't on anything and it wasn't because he's less funny than me it's not because he's less funny, he's so

fucking good but there just wasn't the thing for him at the time and it just felt that for years and years and years I was like oh god you know, not that it's a shame but it's the unfairness of the job. Now it's popped for him and it's all of the stuff and you're like it's happened and you know

I'm sure he doesn't begrudge how late it came or anything like that that's part of it we might not have realised because it would happen so early in our careers but when John Bishop and Mickey Flanagan popped

that was quite a while into theirs they'd been doing club comedy for well over a decade not Bish Bish started when he was 40 I thought he'd been

going a good 10 15 years before maybe I'm wrong I think Flanagan yeah but I'm pretty sure Bish only started when he was his 40s Stuart Lee was another thought he'd been going a good 10 15 years before maybe I'm wrong I think Flanagan yeah but I'm pretty sure Bish only started when he was his 40s

Stuart Lee was another one that had been going quite a while I think yeah yeah yeah Stuart Lee's definitely been

going since he was my parents saw Stuart Lee before they had me oh wow so he goes back to Harry Hill

that he was on yeah yeah yeah my dad's got plenty of stories about times that he heckled Stuart Lee in like a 13-seater pub in Islington. Oh, really?

The dad correcting Stuart Lee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the most intelligent measured people in your dad found a flaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's him. That's him in a fucking nutshell. So, career jealousy doesn't creep in,

but then again, I'm quite comfortable with what I've got so if I was uncomfortable with what I had it might be different aye well I mean

I'm very I just have to remind myself I've just got to stop comparing I mean that's the problem with social media is it's just

you've got all these apps on your phone which are just compare yourself to everyone else aye we had a friend have a friend

that won't will only watch girl on girl porn because he gets jealous of the man if there's a man in porn

as if he's watching a porn star getting laid and he's like get off her get off her it's like a

next level of objectifying she is mine while watching a girl you've never met I searched for her name and I'm jerking off to her she's gotta be she doesn't know me but if she did

I also feel like there's like I mean obviously you don't watch any reality TV I watch fucking heaps of it because I love love garbage and I love all the I love seeing relationships of people who do not belong together have no right to belong together go on and then try and just save I love seeing relationships of people who do not belong together, have no right to belong together,

go on and then try and just save this relationship because they've been raised in a world where it's, you know, if you've got problems, you work through them together. If you've got these differences, you compromise between each other. Compromise, persevere. Yeah, all these things

and you just go, no, you leave the partner and you find someone else. There's so many people, just don't, like if it's that difficult to be in the relationship, get the fuck out of it.

It's the sunk cost fallacy. Aye, obviously. You think as you've invested so much time yeah yeah that you've got to stick with it but actually and wasting more time yeah yeah and just making yourself unhappy and then also during that time just giving yourself more issues is what you're doing is you sacrifice parts of your personality because they don't like them and then you're sort of doing the charade of who you think you should be for your partner and they're doing a similar thing and then you go sort of doing this charade of who you think you should be for your partner. And they're doing a similar thing. And then you go, why don't I feel myself and why don't I like myself? And I resent you because you're not making me be myself.

It's much easier to just... But obviously, breakups are shit and very few people have that. You didn't want to just do one. Doing a breakup is not a decision you make lightly. But jealousy for some people in relationships, and maybe it's just talk to people that I watch on reality TV shows, but it's revered amongst some people. Like they're just...

Because you want them to look like they'd be protective of keeping you in that. Yeah, yeah. Why do you not get jealous when... When that person's talking to me, you go, well, because they trust you. Should I be... But you're not careful, Ganoff, when you start acting jealous that I didn't get I'm made which is like hey

I'm jealous I'm jealous I get angry I'm like oh well then we're done I can't

I can't not have conversations with other people because of fear of what random scenario you're going to create in your head

because your last partner was a piece of shit you can actually as soon as you're fucking wanky shit you can you can actually that seems fucking wanky but you can synthesize happiness from other people's success and i clocked that early doors because the people like um when i when i started doing stand-up in the northeast and obviously sarah milligan and chris martin chris martin chris um ramsey it popped for them and i was

seeing them on stuff and i fucking loved seeing that i was like yes and like i know there would have been other comics that were like why is that not me I feel like I'm being left on the shelf in there getting all of this but I was just buzzing because like I could probably sell their shoes the journey they've been through to get there and when I saw them and stuff I was absolutely chuffed for them and you can

do that if you look at fucking someone's Instagram holder you could just be like oh look at them having a fucking nice time he's been working hard. Knew they were in the sun. Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, I should definitely

try to do it more. But I think that's the thing that Nick Cody had the really, really good way of not being jealous of, and I don't know if other people

can use this in their careers, but it certainly works for stand-up comedy, which is, he's like, I don't get jealous of other i don't know if other people can use this in their careers but it certainly works for stand-up comedy which is he's like i don't get jealous of other people's success because he sees comedy like the ufc if there's there's just different weight divisions like if a sketch group is doing really really well and getting big i'm not gonna be jealous of them because i'm not doing sketch comedy i'm not weird cutting down the sketch I could if I wanted to I could do it but I'm not

I'm here I'm in this division I'm not going to get jealous of the artsy surreal comic and all the success that they're getting

because again that's not what I fucking do in my division I'm you know I might not be number one

I might not be number two but I've had a couple of title shots and you'll also respect the people in your division because you look at them as inspiration because they're doing what you're doing if they're ahead of you I'll be number two. But I've had a couple of title shots. And you'll also respect the people in your division.

Yeah. Because you look at them as inspiration. Because they're doing what you're doing. If they're ahead of you doing the same thing, you look at them going, right, that's a role model, not someone to be envious of. But if I've learned anything from therapy and meditation over the years, but I haven't.

I mean, I've learned them. I've not been able to apply them to life. Apparently one of the big number one reasons for unhappiness is comparing yourself to others you should only ever be comparing yourself

to yourself it's such a given that one aye but it's so hard not to though it's such a weird one how it's right there you know that it's there

that's the answer yeah yeah the answer's there but you kind of get through the glass aye aye you kind of get through the glass. You can't have a breakthrough. You break through and it's further away than you thought and you can't reach it.

It'd be like if Superman was diabetic and he just needed insulin but they just can't give him the injection for the break. Snap. Break. Damn it. So I had a little thought experiment to um to think about this right now it was actually it came it came when i you know when i had found out i had aphantasia and then it took us a couple of days where everybody else had a superpower and i didn't

if for anybody that doesn't know what aphantasia is it's mind blindness it's when you haven't got like a visual image in your mind's eye yeah for example so if i was to say to you at home picture a red triangle in your head if you're like me what you can do you don't physically see it it's not within your eyes you don't see anything in your field of vision but in your head you can picture exactly what a red triangle and if i was to do something obscure being like imagine a 2d red triangle cartwheeling down a 3d beach in your head you can go oh yeah those two things i'll make that happen and you'll have an image of that in your head you can create it some people have like have like hyper affinitate or like the opposite to it where like the the main two vivid and stuff's going on so that's also like

i imagine the i imagine everyone's got like a scale And I imagine, I don't know if there's any truth to this, but I would imagine that those people are better at art. Yes. Ah, yeah. In fact, when I read the article about Aphantasia, it was like,

if you drew a dog, would it look like this? I'm like, that's exactly how I draw a dog. Because you're not drawing it from memory because you're not bringing up a memory and then tracing it from your memory. You're just going,

right, a dog has four legs. I'll draw those. He doesn't have a tail. Yeah, yeah. It's like a child's drone. Yeah. So, tracing it from your memory, you're just going, right, a dog has four legs. I'll draw those. He doesn't have a tail. It's like a child's drawing. Yeah. So, I can,

like, I can still enjoy a book because if the story is like, obviously, like a man walks into the shop and buys a pack of crisps, right, boring book, but I know what a man is,

a shop, I know what a pack of crisps is, I know what currency is and how the exchange could happen. I don't even need to, like, make this theatre in my mind. When I found out about it

I was devastated that I couldn't do that but after a few days this is the way I dealt with it if I found out that everybody could fly but I couldn't

my life would still be exactly the same as it was but yours would all be better than what I'd realised my life hasn still be exactly the same as it was, but yours would all be better than what I'd realised. My life hasn't changed any. The scenery has a bit, but my life hasn't. So, like, you can be like, oh, I can't do that, but, like, why do you not get jealous of birds then?

Look at birds flying. You're like, nah, I've got everything I need. I've got everything I want. I'm compounding me. And also, you've got friends who can maybe give you a lift while they're flying do people who can't drive

get jealous I feel like that's yeah because that's like being able to drive is like having a superpower to somebody

that can't drive yet I'm sure there's people who can't drive that are quite content with the lot aye but but what

but don't be aye that's true I would rather if you were to say to me, I'll take away your Fantasia and give you the active imagination that everybody else has for your car keys. Now I'm good. Now I'm good.

So there's people in my head that have got a more like worse disability through choice aye or they live in London aye yeah that's I mean I didn't drive

when I lived in London erm yeah done thanks O that was a fun chat mate nice talking to you aye

helped did I get you through a little lull I mean we'll see we'll see I feel like I'll get you through a little lull? I mean, we'll see. We'll see how I feel after. I'll just go in and poke a baby. Aye. I really enjoy the bit that you do with Caelan.

Oh, that. It's where you... I just violently threatened him while beating him up. But with, like, a big smile on your face. Big smile on your face, and he's giggling because he doesn't know what you're saying, and he's like, I'm going to snap your arms and goad your eyeballs open.

I'm going to snap your leg. I'm joining in. I'm just going, I'm rubbing his belly. I's like, I'm going to snap your arms, and goad your eyeballs open, I'm going to snap your leg. I'm joking, I'm just going to rub his belly, I'm going to spit in your mouth. He fucking laughs at that. He and Cara laugh so, because he doesn't, man,

he doesn't know his own name yet, and it's still this phase where, you know, they're like, man, they're like dogs, you can say anything to a dog, as long as there's a smile on your face,

the dog doesn't know the words, just knows the energy. And I tell Caelan That I'm going to Break his ribs With the same But you're like Doing a little pummel Punching his little belly

Breaking ribs Snapping his kneecaps Going to curb stomp Going to rip your esophagus hood And he just giggles and giggles And giggles Because you have to stop doing that The second

Well well before they start understanding Because God knows What that'll turn him into When he's older He's got to be 19 you have to stop doing that the second well before they start understanding because god knows what that'll turn him into when he's older he's gotta be 19 and like well into bondage and strangle wanks and all that

you're gonna be like ah man no idea where that came from that's aye I love that we just king shamed it now oh no oh no

my child has a thing he likes yeah that we definitely gave him aye it's good he's awesome we just king shamed your baby thing he likes yeah that we definitely gave him we just king shamed your baby yeah he likes he likes that

he likes being upside down Karen does not like him being upside down and has never seen him upside down because I don't know when she's in the

oh yeah you've been on mum's net haven't you well yeah you're one of the admins well because somebody went you shouldn't hold your baby

upside down and I'm like that's true I wouldn't hold a newborn baby upside down but like at four months old I'm like

it's literally for three seconds it's literally like if he's crying or if he's starting to moan or grab him by the ankles lift him up and go stop yelling and he giggles and giggles

and then you put him back down safely but I was like you know what maybe this is dangerous and maybe there is something you know they're not developed he's I was like, you know what? Maybe this is dangerous. And maybe there is something, you know, they're not developing. He's still got that soft support in the head.

Maybe his brain will fall out. Like, maybe I definitely shouldn't be doing it. I'll Google it. And all of the Google results were just, my husband's holding her baby upside down. And I want to know if it's dangerous. I keep telling him it's dangerous. And he insists it's not. But I can't find anything online that says so.

And then just all these other moms being like, my husband the same thing it's never the dad going my wife's dangling the baby instead well because I think there must be you know there's there's obviously different instincts that naturally occur in parents like I mean I've said it in the solo podcast that I were doing there's a switch that goes off in women that you see it being engaged where they just have all this intuition come in and this this unfathomable level of love for this kid and when they do when that switch doesn't click by the way that's postpartum depression and it's a very serious thing that we you know that we have to acknowledge and go through that's how important this click in your brain is and you know there is a similar click that happens in men's brains especially in the past a couple of generations because men are more involved in the raising of

kids now they're noticing that the things that chemical reactions that were normally only happening women brains are now happening in father's brains as well because they're not just doing the mind the whole time yeah actually getting some involvement but i do wonder if there is obviously the mothering instincts are protective nurture raise feed keep to where is is is is it as scientific as and the dads are i've got to teach you to survive i've got to make sure you're strong and not like beat things up but just hey

the world's just the world's going to throw some shit at you make sure it bounces off yeah and I want to get you

used to it'll strengthen your muscles and all these things or is it just men are big dumb aggressive

idiots and is it just this like because Cara says to me she's like she she's like she can see my love for Caelan is it never gets dangerous but she's like you teeter close to you find him so cute you just want to smoosh him and I'm like a hundred percent all the time

all I want to do is just squeeze him and hold him you never do it but there's that you know I love you sort of shit um but is that good instincts in me being like, I'm going to raise a healthy son, or is it big dumb man likes thing? Big dumb man likes thing, wants to hold and shake to make sure thing doesn't break. Love it too, yes, please. A caveman.

He's raising a child with a caveman brain. Yeah, which is good. Upside down, boy. Upside down. Make sure your brain will fall out like and i'm not going to do any more googling like i'm still sticking to my stats of i and i hope i stick to this i hope i stick to it i'm not going to outwardly judge other people for how they raise their kids i'll certainly I'm never going to stop my brain judging

people, that's just there. But as long as you don't let it manifest into anything other than just a thought crossing your brain. Because if anyone were to come up to me and be like, this is what you should do, I'm like mother fucker, you think I want to raise your shit kid? I kind of believe the neck

I got someone done that with me with Piggy fucking Piggy was just rooting around in the bush and I was eating I kind of believe the neck I got someone done that with me with Peggy fucking Peggy was just rooting around in the bush and I was there eating my sandwich and that was when

you know Clayton Castle the National Trust thing you can't you can't take the animals into the castle so we bought a little fucking packed lunch

I was like I'll have something to eat while you go in look after Peggy and vice versa and Peggy's on the lead right and she's just fucking

rooting around in the bush and all that and then this American woman sat up and went your dog's bored. You need to play with your dog. I was saying, fucking me dog's had the best day ever.

I've been cutting around Clearing Castle, I'm not bored for hours stopping for a sandwich. I was like, I'm just grabbing something to eat. And he was like, where's the dog's picnic?

I was like, fucking, she said, fucking two and six. He could fuck off. Like, to me that's not going to spin me

I don't give a fuck about this old cunt right I could not give a flying fuck about her right but you know if you're just a bit insecure

about the job you're doing of your child and then that it was an American last now it obnoxious like fucking I mean it's stereotyped but it's a fucking observation

that one right if somebody with that kind of outward confidence hits you right right where you're insecure that could fuck up your day it could fuck up your week like if people are talking like that and new mothers a hundred percent and which is there's and there's as a new parent there is just this massive insecurity of oh my god am i doing a good job because your brain just imagines all these fucking

horrific scenarios in your head and they're all your responsibility to fucking deal with so you know other people being like you know you shouldn't actually feed your kid that you shouldn't shut the fuck up stay out of it stay out of it like unless it's to the point where you've got to throw CP phone child protective services

shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself you know what prove them wrong by raising your kid better and then when both of our kids are 30 you can go told you only then and even then there's like such a fucking element of looking at that you could absolutely fucking neglect your child that could end up being the fucking biggest rock star of all time and then they were going see i didn't fuck al rang by all right well i think that also comes from i think the people that do rang by all right well i think that also comes from i think the people that do offer advice out like that i think that comes from insecurity as

well because they're all unprojected which is i do it this way you're doing it a different way does that mean the way i'm doing it yeah so they're they're taking yours as passive aggressive yeah yeah because it comes from oh god i'm doing this in the wrong way all right anyway again it's another thing about just keep with other people's business. As far as just comparing yourself to yourself. Yeah. It's just a bit of that. Don't compare your parent and your main.

We've got our own route. Yeah, yeah. It's just you can use yourself as your barometer. All right. So I guess the lesson on today's podcast... Final thoughts from Cream. Final thoughts. Yeah, just only compare yourself to yourself.

And if it's I know you told me to keep talking but I'm just I'm sorry if you're having a low mental health day

you know don't do anything drastic don't do anything too big maybe go out maybe go out a nice walk, just by yourself or with someone you like, and just tell yourself three things that you like about yourself,

whether it's things you like about yourself all the time, whether it's just things you like about yourself today, or things that you like about yourself that you've achieved in your life. Do that. Play that over in your head and thank yourself for those thoughts thoughts and any of the other negative thoughts coming into your head just ignore those and get them out of your heads and stop comparing yourself to me you can't i'm way better thanks for listening we'll see you next week