Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Older Than Your Average MILF
Episode Date: February 21, 2024Answering life's impossible quandaries, like how old is a piece of MILF. Daniel's child has his second birthday party so Muggins and Cream remember the joys and tragedies of their childhood parties. ...Fast forward to this week when Kai was embarrassed to get recognised at a student night out where he was old enough to be their dad. Find out what gets you points on your people license.  #19       Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy!   www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: thistlysloss10     Join us at Altitude festival for a live podcast in the Alps, 1-5 April 2024. Get discounted festival tickets with your 10% discount code.   www.altitudefestival.com Discount Code: mugginsandcream24
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Sloss and Humphries on the road!
Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream
And that's our intro
Fucking muggles!
Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh
Woohoo!
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack
Ah, muggles!
Accidental rim job in the park
Kiss kiss kiss
Or am I just being cynical?
Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia
Where have you been since 9-11?
How's your son's birthday party?
Aye.
Many milfs?
Erm, a couple of milfs.
A couple of milfs?
A couple of milfs.
Flirt with them?
Flirt with one of them.
Lady?
Aye.
Aye, Cara?
Aye.
Er, melms.
Melms?
Melm her?
What's the extra M?
Mum that lets me. Mum that lets me Mum
I'd
There's not a vowel you need to put a vowel in
You need a better acronym
I'll give up then
We're like way older than Milfs now
I reckon if you look at a MILFs on the internet.
I'm not, I'm not.
Maybe for you.
I'm fucking, no, man.
I reckon like the MILF tube's like late 20s
and it's like young people are looking at that.
It's not like the...
No, but first of all, I'm pretty sure MILFs,
I don't think you can be, I don't think...
What age was...
I don't think you can be the MILF of a toddler.
Original MILF, what age was Stifler's mum?
She must have been older than you,
for her to be Stifler's mum.
What age was Stifler's mum during American Pie 1?
That is the original age of the...
I reckon she would have been...
The dawn of MILF.
Yeah, if she would have been 45, she was five.
I think so yeah yeah yeah
like don't get me wrong
like I personally believe
you know
you can be a Melf
if you've got a fucking baby
but I just think
traditionally
like a Melf is
of like a teenage kid
as well
a teenage kid's mother
yeah
you can't
not like a woman
pushing a pram
with a fucking baby
it needs to be one of your
mates' mothers yeah it can't be so you have like a woman pushing a pram with a fucking boobie. It needs to be one of your mates' mothers.
Yeah.
It can't be.
So you have to be, like, sentient to the idea of fucking.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
To look at somebody your age as mother.
You're not, like, looking at, like, you're not looking at a baby going,
you're a mum.
You're a mum, I want to fuck you, you're a mum.
I'm looking at Caelan being like, I want to fuck you, you're a mum.
I don't tell him that.
Mum's a mum.
He knows, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The actress was 38, but I don't tell him that He knows Yeah yeah yeah The actress was
38
But I don't know
About the character
Two years younger than me
And four or five years
Older than you
Yeah
However old I fucking am
She done the fringe
What's her name
Jennifer Coolidge
Jennifer Coolidge
Done the fringe
And she was in
She's had a resurgence
Because she was
What's she in now
She was in White Lotus
And she was so good
In White Lotus Which one's White Lotus. She was so good in White Lotus.
Which one's White Lotus?
The comedy about the hotel called the White Lotus.
Good, recommended?
Yes.
Like a bit fucking, a bit bougie and wanky.
Like a good, we thought it was really funny
and we really enjoyed the theme tune,
but there's a bit of pretentiousness.
Like it's good, but you've got to be pretentiousness. Like, it's good,
but you've got to be smart to enjoy it.
I'll check it out.
I've been watching True Detective.
I'm not sure about it.
There's one episode left.
Right.
It would have been class
if they just released it as a block of six.
It's not fucking grip enough
to make us wait until Monday.
Like, I don't care that much
by the time Monday comes around,
but I'll just be like,
oh, well, then might as well.
Watch another one.
But I'm not like, fuck, man, is it Monday yet?
I need to know what happened.
Is this one with the... I still don't know if it's supernatural or not.
Oh.
Yeah, I still don't know.
Is this one with girls in it?
Jodie Foster's the main, the big name in it, yeah.
Yeah.
Which is Clarice Stalin are they the hardest nails
yeah
I mean they're all pretty tough
yeah
they punch things
uh huh
get into fights
get hurt
okay
yeah
I mean they're up in the
ever dark of Alaska
you know
like the
permanent night
where like the sun goes down
who's harder
Jodie Foster
or the other one
the other one
aye
yeah
okay do they ever fight each other not yet no I mean they're always Jodie Foster or the other one the other one aye yeah okay
they ever fight each other
not yet no
I mean they're always
like at loggerheads
they haven't come to blows
but I think the younger one
at Smasher
aye
yeah aye
aye
just like just nails
but do you reckon
it'd be like
physically more
aye
I shouldn't have a nail
and what about in real life
oh you can find out
what's the name of the actress
who plays the name of the actress
who plays
the
type in
the other
one
from
check
true
detective
which is
what it's
called
by the
way
yeah
in real
life
absolutely
I mean
Jodie
Foster's
is like
nails to
my
core
but she's
still like
quite a
slight
older
woman
whereas
this
woman's
like
quite
hench
and young
is it michelle monaghan yeah probably probably or alexandra d'adorio probably i it's one of them
um kayla's birthday was good um it's it's so funny like i you know how you obviously we made fun of
you because your girlfriend, your girlfriend,
your girlfriend picked your dog after that for ages.
One of the big things that I thought
I would hate so much about being a dad,
and I'm on record saying several times,
is I do not want my friends to be dictated
by my son's friends and his friends, right?
Whereas now, man, I love the swimming mums.
Like, I'm in that group myself.
You prefer that WhatsApp to like your mates and your comedian mates? Oh, no, no, I'm I love the swimming mums. Like, I'm in that group myself. You prefer that WhatsApp to, like, your mates
and your comedian mates?
Oh, no, no, I'm not in the swimming mums WhatsApp.
Do you like seeing yourself on your best behaviour as well?
Do you like your best self that you're putting forward?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, because I get to...
I thought I would have to really change who I was,
like, to, like, be acceptable to my son's friends
like i thought you don't change who you are you operate in decorum yeah like who i was in front
of my granddad isn't not who i am it's just that's the best me oh no i'm not i'm not as clean as
in front i'm not like in this one i'm not as clean with them as that like but they know who i am
like they they've come to the show and stuff like we're friends So if But I didn't know that
Whereas I am just me
I can still
Obviously
I mean
You know
We all swear around our kids
Like they're a good set of mums
Because they're not like the
You get some bitchy parents
And you get some non-bitchy parents
Right
Bitchy parents are the ones
That are always like
Trying to get your kid
To be in competition
With their kid
Being like
Oh we
You know
We don't let our kid do this
And we only do this
And we only
Screen time
Yeah Oh yeah All these ones And people who want to appear like that That's absolutely fine I'm just telling you with their kid being like oh we you know what we don't let our kid do this we only do this screen time yeah oh yeah
all these ones
and people who want to
pair like that
that's absolutely fine
I'm just telling you
you're absolutely
fucking shite to hang out with
like as another parent
it's just been like
oh man can you not
make me compare myself to you
like if you're doing
a better job
can you just do it
fucking quietly
the reason I love
the fucking swim mums
is because they'll be
sitting there
and you'll be like
you'll have hung out
with other parents
who are just like
we never let our kid do this and it's just refreshing to see someone being
like man he got into the fucking he got into the celebration tub this morning and there was nothing
we could do to get him out of it and i'm like i oh i really respect that type of parenting yeah
when people show their own weakness and vulnerability they're not doing the perfect
fucking route no through the obstacle course of life just that fucking stumbling the fall
and they the going back
a few steps
and you're like
oh man
and you're like
oh reality then
the people who are
the yes
the people who are
the opposite of
Instagram reels
are way better
to hang out with
because it's just
them being like
man we dropped him
down the stairs
yesterday
how is he
we're too scared
to get ejected
who gives a fuck
that type of parenting
is you know
fun to
to get to share all of your
shitty little moments
so
Russian honesty
oh man
just somebody being like
I can't remember what it was
you think acting like the perfect parent
is just like a fucking
insecurity that
absolutely
you're like shielding yourself
absolutely
I'm doing it right
if I let it creep in
that I'm doing it wrong
I'm gonna fall
well yeah yeah
and I think it's a bit
we must be right
if I agree that you're always right then I'm fucked because I've been doing it wrong that means the fall well i yeah yeah and i think it's a bit we must be right if i agree that
you're always right then i'm fucked because i've been doing it wrong that means the best form of
defense is attacks when you get defensive about your parenting things you tend to attack other
people's parenting things so it's really nice to be about and by the way look all of these women
are unbelievable mothers right like of course they are but like they they're very much like
man i i lost him for five minutes in the house yesterday
and I walked around the corner
and he was just licking
the pram wheel
and I'm there going
man thank fucking god
the amount of times
the amount of times
Can has been up in the shower
and I'm meant to be
looking after Cale
and I'll be like
what's in your mouth
what
fuck
fuck
can you remember
when ages ago
there was like a fucking
massive thing in the paper
as it would David Cormoran
leave when he was
kidding the Pope
I was like
everyone was hating on him
I was reading that guy and different makers
like him.
Don't humanise this man.
Yeah, man.
So there was lots
of, well, here's the, so there was lots of people
at Cailin's birthday party. Lots of the
there's all the entire swimming mums were there.
I've spoken about Little Posh People on this
podcast before because it was that company
that my wife made us go to for the soft play
at our wedding because we knew
there were going to be lots of kids at our wedding
all the adults ended up on it
but you could rent this thing called
Little Posh People and I had a problem with the fact that
their company was called Little Posh People because that's
a Tory company
just fucking admit who you are
it doesn't make me feel good to order from that place,
but they are exceptional and we love them.
They have upped their fucking game.
And I have no idea this was an option.
As always, well, not as always,
as of recently and as hopefully continuing in the future,
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All week
for the entire month of fucking January
and the first week of February
and I was like
you've got no idea
when it's coming
to Cailin's birthday
do you
and I'm like
I know
don't paint me
as like this
old dad that like
doesn't care
it's the same
rule as the wedding
right
I'll be involved
in the bits
that I'm interested in
but I'm not going
to pretend
to have an opinion
on stuff
when your opinion
on it's just way more
because you care more
like I don't give a fuck
about the flowers
but I do give a fuck
about the booze
and the food
and the whatever
when it comes to
our son's birthday party
she picked the theme
right
she's like
it's going to be
ocean theme
like to the sea
as in the pun
to the number
to the sea
so
and she's got her cake
place that she always
go to
so I didn't take me
involved in that
and she's just happy
doing it
next year
it'll be another three
well
maybe what would next
what would be a third one
and then four at the show
no it can't be
it can't be
deep dive for five
no it can't be
it can't be
see you've got to do the opposite
we've got to find a pun
for three
that's something else
climbing three
three monkeys
three monkeys
no that's
no it's twelve monkeys
isn't it
yeah
three monkeys is the song about's not it's twelve monkeys isn't it yeah three monkeys
is the song
about jumping on the bed
three little monkeys
jumping on the bed
is that what it is
yeah
that's where that came from
so
you can rent
like a soft play
climbing frame thing
that comes in three parts
comes in the back
of a fucking
trolley
like a horse trolley
and it god delivers
so the whole week,
I'm like,
Cara,
there's going to be balloons,
they're going to look like fucking whales and sharks.
There's going to be like a fucking ball pit.
I fully,
I'm aware of what's about to turn up,
right?
Massive,
like,
taller than I am.
Like,
I'd say,
what,
about six and a half feet,
each of these fucking things?
Six and a half feet tall,
six and a half feet.
Five and a half feet,
tell her that. Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet, each of these fucking things? Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet... Five and a half feet, tell her that.
Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet wide,
giant fucking squares, made of fucking metal,
have to carry them up the fire exit because...
Full of water.
Well, well, there was a stupid part of me,
like we were lifting one of them up and one of them had loads of balls
and it was the ball pit part and they were all sealed in
and it was really heavy and it took five of us to lift and i was like i
didn't say out loud thank god i didn't say out loud because it was only oh i genuinely thought
to myself would it be later if we took the balls out tiny little tiny little ball that are really
hard to carry and really inconvenient to carry the worst that's like that fucking cartoon of like
somebody carrying a wardrobe up the stairs and somebody inside of it carrying the clothes yes yeah like uh i don't feel
very fucking stupid that turned out man i can't i can't like there are children now that must have
access to birthday parties that were well beyond our wildest dream My birthday kids Like a gold tier A gold tier
I threw a great
Fucking birthday
When I was young
Was
If your mum and dad
Let you fucking
Take you and your friends
To the cinema
That was a fucking
Great one
Loved the cinema trip
That was real top notch
If any of your friends
Managed to take you
To fucking Laser Quest
Always a great day
Bowling
I had below
But like bowling
Like
It was so good I looked like oh i said
what's good to a bowling party uh yeah definitely there for the dads the dads are coming before the
kids if you're going to bowling well there's more the thing about bowling as well is like you're i
feel like that's a good one for your teenage years because especially if there's like people
of the opposite sex or people you're attracted to there you're sort of trusted to be alone at
bowling alley parents are parents are in the restaurant next door or you're attracted to there you're sort of trusted to be alone at bowling alley parents are
parents are in the
restaurant next door
or they're up at the
fucking bar
playing the arcade machine
or doing whatever
reading the book
they can leave you
to fucking bowl
so you've got
interactions
Laser Quest
I don't know
any of them things
you know
no
what was yours
like I remember
the Blythe Sports
and a Soft Play
was always the one
that was like the go to
like every kid
seemed to have
the same party
and it was that because that was just a giant indoor play place but then after there was always the one that was like the go-to like every kid seemed to have the same party and it was that but then that was just a giant indoor play but then after they're like there was always
like stuff on at houses where you play like heads and tails you know where you flip a coin and you've
got all your heads together all your bums together and you do like improvised games
so like everyone's dancing and then like you've got the music stops and people put their heads
together put their bums together and then the flick a coin and then all the music stops and people put their heads together put their bums together and then they flick a coin
and then all the people
that have got their heads together
go out
and all the people
that have got their tails together
stay in
like where
it's cost the parents
nothing
yeah yeah yeah
it's cost the parents
flat zero
I remember turning up
to one of them parties
that's not true
they might lose the penny
yeah you gotta keep it
you gotta keep it
I remember turning up to a party from a girl at school lose the penny. Yeah, you've got to keep it. You've got to keep it.
I remember I turned up
to a party
from a girl
at school
and I was the only boy
that turned up.
You were gay?
I was the gay kid
at the party
and I was absolutely
mortified
and it was
one of the parents
like teamed up
with me
for all the party games
because all the girls
picked each other
and I was not only
the only boy,
the odd number that was
teamed up with a mum
How old were you?
Like 18 or something
Like how old
like must have been
7
I'm going to say 7
And you've got no idea Why you were The only boy picked
Yeah
The only boy that was there
Aye
Like
Right until you played football
Or something
I wonder if like
I mean everyone must have
Got invited
And then made their excuses right
They wouldn't have just
Invited one boy to the party
Yeah
Like nobody filled me on
On how that happened
I wasn't expecting that
Felt like I was texting my mates
Going you're gonna be at the party
It was seven in the 90s
Aye
Late 80s
core memory though
just you and the
girls
when I got so much
of it
at a seven year old
birthday party
I remember
when I was in
school
it was
everybody got
had to pick
that like
you know
your options
that you have in school and the option with design technology was like you got had to pick that like um you know your options that you have in school
and the option with the design technology was like you can do uh textiles or cooking or woodwork or
i think there's another one and one of the lads picked cooking and he was the only one to pick
cooking and we're all doing woodwork all the boys were doing woodwork and he started getting called
gay for picking food and he just everyone in the fucking like yard against him
and he just looked, gay? I'm doing the
only thing full of lasses.
As a kid, it just
stumped everybody.
They were like, huh?
No, we work with
each other's wood. Maybe
we're gay.
Please accept us for who
we are. Lads, is Carpenter gay?
What do you mean Jesus was a carpenter?
Well that confirms everything
He ain't run with 12 blokes did he?
Dead
Had to get him drunk on wine
Try this water
Drink my blood
Are you one of those gays?
Not even allowed to give blood Pass the jar
Pass the jar
We'll put a fiver in
There it is
Do we need to vote on Or has there been a vote
On who we're donating
All the
The last year's money to
Yeah we need to give
Money to a charity
There's some people
In the discord I believe
But I haven't actually looked
Yeah it's quite a while ago
I can have a look
Yeah we'll have a look
Now and we'll
We'll put it on the Patreon
What we've given to
Yeah
We'll phone them and give it
And just not even explain why
I went to the
comedy store this
weekend where you
were having
birthday parties
and we're
meeting
me and Tom
I was staying at
Tom Horton's
house and we're
meeting up with
Elliot Steele
afterwards and
he's out with
one of his
mates and we
just agreed to
meet him at
this pub that's
near Tom's
house
the nearest pub
to Tom's
house
so we meet
him there
afterwards and
fuck me
did it look like
a student union
coming in
they must have had
some like
student night on
or something
and
you know
whack and then
like that Tom State
joke from fucking
ages ago
like just sprung
into my mind
where he was like
I can't go to
a nightclub now
if I do
people look at me
like someone's in
trouble
their dad's here
because like
I could like
old enough
I would have the babies young
old enough to be the dads
yeah
like genuinely
biologically old enough
to be the dads
legally old enough
to be the dads
and then
Elliot and his mates
sat there
in their mid-twenties
looking slightly old
for the occasion
but
not dodgy
yeah
and I go and sit with him
right
and this young lad
and her wife
just skinny young lad
you know
he hasn't filled out yet
just points at me
going
Elliot Steele
Kai Humphries
I love your comedy
it's fucking great
oh wow
fucking cool
like I did ask for a photo
I didn't know if I stayed as well
coming out like that
just pointed out
that he
that he enjoyed it
and then
later on i'm just like outside waiting for everybody else to finish their drinks and make
their way out and all that like me and elliot and this young lad just come up with his man
yeah i've been talking to my mate over there the fuck are you doing
valid question i think man i'm glad i got the chance to clear this up
but that's where i'm staying and i could point at the hoose i'm like that's where i'm staying
this sells booze and we're meeting friends and but fuck me i was like i should not have been in there
so was it a nightclub it's just a bar like we could get a seat and have a drink but it was like
it did have a dance floor yeah i mean i guess it could be it it was a dance floor, yeah. I mean, I guess it could be. It was a function room,
would be more of a way of describing it.
A function room with a dance floor
and tables and chairs in.
Student union would be another good way
of explaining what it was.
Did you feel like a beast?
No, because I spent most of the time
chatting to Elliot watching
a 2013 rerun of Man United versus Man City
where Wayne Rooney
scored the overhead kick
and we knew it was coming
at some point
so we're just really enjoying
like old school football
which is
I still find it mad
it's tight
with old school football
and I'm tired of 2013
because
I see old school football
as the 90s
but I'm
sat there with Elliot Steel
where that's his 90s
so I just had a lovely
chat with my mate
had a pint
and watched some footy so is that right but like 19 year olds look like nowadays they were all
wearing woolly hats oh indoors a lot of woolly hats like fur bands okay like what like white fur
or like a like a beanie like lots of lots of woolly hats like a ski theme it wasn't
like a student because i think it was just cold out right and they were now indoors and left the
hats on that's one thing i noticed the rest of them like the rest of the the attire wasn't angled
towards keeping them warm i was going to say yeah they they used to today quite quite a bit on display despite oh
you're old listen to you quite a lot on display oh listen to you i was thinking about the temperature
um that is an old way to say it isn't it a lot on display yeah or pouring out their dresses
well to be fair i guess you get to an age where you can't you're're not allowed to say, like, although it's scantily clad,
because it sounds like you're attracted to it,
and then that's when it's creepy.
It was.
You have to find, like, vague ways to say they weren't wearing much,
but then, like, not sounding.
It wasn't.
That's why I know I'm old, right?
Like, even though, like, subjectively,
some of these girls were probably very beautiful.
Yes.
And scantily clad.
If any of them sat down next to me and started chatting,
I'd feel fucking deeply uncomfortable.
Nice.
Like, I'd recoil at the thought of this conversation.
I'm sorry.
I know in your head you're an adult
because you're the oldest you've ever been
and you are absolutely within your own right. You're an adult because you're the oldest you've ever been and you are absolutely within your own your own right you're an adult to me you're a child and i cannot talk to a child
who is in her underwear i feel paternal i feel paternal yeah in any advance would feel incestuous
because i just want to protect them in a way uh yeah i don't know what i don't know what I'd do now if...
I mean, thankfully, the good thing about being very openly married and stuff is...
Not that I ever got hit on heaps.
Yeah, I'm looking at respect.
I occasionally, after shows, if I ever met with fans,
occasionally I would have somebody being like,
oh, if you want a 45 of my show is about how much
I love my wife and my son
so like there's just no
yeah
which by the way I'm annoyed at
because I would love to
prove my loyalty
I'd love to be doing the thing that I know she goes through all the time
which is like people throw themselves at me
and I'm saying no and by the way I'll pass all your
stupid little tests which is like people throw themselves at me and i'm saying no and by the way and i'll pass all your stupid little tests which is like it's not it's not sorry i'm married it's i'm married
there's no sorry i'm not apologizing yeah i'm not sorry for you that you don't get to fuck me
even though i am class at it and you would have loved it but of course i'm not sorry because i
love my wife and she's the only one who's getting this fucking hot. That's what you've got to say. So I had that one where someone just verbally offered us a blowjob.
Aye.
And I don't know.
I think it's with me.
I love blowjobs.
Probably doesn't even matter where they're coming from.
Yeah.
And obviously fucking embarrassed, flat rejected it.
How did you say no?
No.
I'm out of it.
I'm out of it.
I'd hate to have a blowjob.
It would be rubbish.
That would be you, that.
Just like awkwardly, like bashfully.
Ha, ha, ha, as if it was a joke
and then
and then just realised
like you can't even
brag about that
no you can't
like you can't just be like
turned down
a lucky bitch
to be way
feel like a cow
turning a blowjob
the other day
so you just feel like
you should have took it
save me a job
like what
yeah no I don't know how like I stopped like in nightclubs when I was Wait what? Yeah
No I don't know how
I stopped liking nightclubs
When I was
When I was fucking
27, 28
Anyway
I don't know if I could
Go back into
I much prefer a boozer
Than a nightclub
What
Define the difference
Sitting around chatting
And dancing
And like
Loud music
Aye
Like I kind of
I kind of relied on like having something to say
yeah yeah like oh my my chat like over me rhythm it wins every time yeah i was never
gonna i've gotta express myself by moving me limbs i knew i knew i wasn't that attractive
or at least i knew that like i wasn't attracted to one of my friends and I knew and I know what attractive is Jordan our friend beeps when we were he I mean he's
gorgeous now he's always been fucking gorgeous but I remember going into like nightclubs when I had
like man even though my status now is celebrity is fucking zedless celebrity way back in the day
it was like how they used to fucking
name rows and cinemas that are massive affairs like i was triple zed celebrity no i didn't know
who the fuck i was but i could still occasionally get laid off the back of it walking into night
clubs with beeps and girls just going up to him and being like i'm sorry to do this but can i just
kiss you like you're just the most handsome person and i'm just like man this is how easy it's
getting late and all of us being around be like oh not at all i've got i've got a handful of mates
where the world just reacts to them like that hi hi hi the taverin yeah hi they never i occasionally
had people who were like i've had people being like i'm gonna make my mission to fuck you and i'm like that's gonna be a short mission and
a lot of dudes that way
no man but i remember the first time i toured sweden was the first time like when i fully
understood straight away the benefits of feminism which was just women coming up to you and i've talked about
this at stage women being like what do i have to say to get you into bed and me being like that is
literally all you have to fucking say and like from there there was not they would just take me
back to either their place or we would go back to my hotel we would fuck for a bit and after we were
done fucking they'd be like all right should we go back to the club now should we go back and like
hang out with all of our friends and stuff and I'm like can I have your number
and they were like
no
because we've done
the thing
and I'm like
is this
is this what feminism is
is this
because I'll tell
everyone about this
this is the test
yeah now you're
a big feminist
when you get back home
this is what a feminist
looks like
no no
just when I saw
the like
when you see
when you see
the benefits of councilism,
like, you don't care where they get it from sometimes.
Like, you know.
So you're, like, in feminism for the wrong reasons?
Yeah.
So many men.
Oh, it's gross.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tinder feminist.
I started for the wrong reasons.
Now I think, you know, I do it for the right reasons.
Who was that guy that used to be
a really outwardly feminist?
I don't know,
a Facebook Siegel
or something,
Doug Siegel.
Remember that name?
Oh,
oh my goodness.
Creepy with his feminism.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Super,
like,
yeah,
this is.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
And ironically,
this is what a feminist
looks like.
that always gives me
the ick that I was like,
someone needs to keep
an eye on him,
like,
he's coming at it too strong
Luke Hagee's got the best line for them
Which is
Chair sniffing white knights
That's 100% what he was
Chair sniffing white knights
Yeah
I'd rather just be the
The feminist that you'd look at
When you're actually like in trouble
Or
Like I
I don't know if I'd like to
I've been a feminist in the fucking
in the black night when somebody's
getting physically assaulted
then I've been the feminist that
they needed but as far as
fighting the cause I don't know if I've done much
I don't think I've done fucking heaps but I think it's more
like you're a better
the way to do it isn't to be like I am
it's for other people to point out that
you are one
while you do things.
Like, you should never be being like, I'm this.
You know, I'm this.
This is what I believe in.
Why don't you do what you believe in, and I'll tell you.
Why don't, through your actions, you do shit,
and I'll tell you what you fucking believe in.
If other people say I'm a feminist, then I'm a feminist.
If I say I'm a feminist, then I'm not, if that makes sense.
Or at least, in some way, do you understand what I mean by that?
Ah, yeah.
It's like
you should just be
you should never want to be
I always think that
with like politicians
you shouldn't want to be
prime minister
you should just be
prime like good enough to be
I think I mean more
in the sense of like
the people that want to be
I don't even trust them
yeah
or it should be like
politics should be like
duty duty
I think I just mean more
in the sense of like
regardless of if being a feminist is a good thing,
you've got to understand what that word means to some people.
And by claiming to be it,
you're sort of pitching yourself against people who,
because there are people on the right
who will be pro-Roman's rights and pro that stuff,
but that's not what they see feminism as.
So sometimes I guess it's important
to not label yourself as something
and then be it through your actions.
You think you're a good feminist?
No, God, no, absolutely not.
What can you improve?
I could probably stop saying toots and sluts.
Oh, no, no, no.
How about a man?
How about a man?
I definitely use sex as that
and I'm never getting rid of it.
And I'm never getting rid of it.
Like, if that's your fucking sticking point, me being a feminist, then I'm not a fucking feminist. I'm never getting rid of it and I'm never getting rid of it like if that's
your fucking
sticking point
of me being a feminist
then I'm not
fucking feminist
I'm still calling
women bitches
I'm still using
the word cunt
and that's because
I'll call men bitches
and I'll call men cunts
if you want to
extrapolate any
meaning from me
using those words
that isn't there
on my part
that's absolutely
up to you
and that's
absolutely fine
I love sex
words in the same
way I love
swear words
I just like the way they sound
I like the reaction I get
sometimes
doesn't come from
genuine improvement
I could stop like
in my head
defaulting specific jobs
to men
uh huh
like
even when I do the
the vet lock the door
and says can you suck my dick
yeah
I've just like instantly made the assumption
that the vet's a
man
yeah
like I think
I think that a lot
with specific jobs I'll be like instantly made the assumption that Yvette's a man. Yeah. Like, I think that a lot with specific jobs,
I'll be like,
hey.
I was,
I was condescendingly proud
of how well Cara parallel parked
the other day.
But,
I've got to tell you,
it was unbelievable.
Now,
don't get me wrong,
she used the cameras and stuff,
so it's not,
it's not real parallel parking.
But,
fucking,
she got into
a tiny space.
Like, a legit, we, like, I like i got in the car walked around it twice and it was so tight and i took like a real real good yeah and uh but if you would have been like
yeah man in the same vein whenever natalie talks with knowledge about football like oh my god i am
so proud.
It's like, there wouldn't be that patronising pride if that was just me flatmate.
Yeah.
I'd be probably arguing with my buddy's point
instead of just like, oh, you have a point.
It's the best.
Yeah.
Is that bad?
No, well, it's not the worst.
Whether, I'll never,
I'm not going to
Be one of those men
That
Pretends that
Women's football
Is as good as
Men's football
It isn't
It isn't as good
No
It's the same as like
SPL's not
Like
It's as good as
Men's football
Because that was
That was a conversation
I had with
My father-in-law
When he was like I was chatting about The Women father-in-law was when he was like
I was chatting about
the Women's World Cup
because it was on
it was exciting
and fucking
I mean England
were doing well
but not that he'd care
Scottish
but I was talking about it
and he was like
I haven't been watching it
like why would I
not watch
the best version
of the thing
it's not as good
and like
didn't have a point
but he watches the SPL
and then
like absolutely disarmed him
when I was like
you watch Scottish football
like there's literally
a qualifier in that
that makes it
slightly worse
than the football
that's on your telly
at the same time
but it's a different game
up here
huh
it's a different game
it's more old school
aye
I mean
just watch the championship then
it's like a proper
league format
instead of
there's 12 teams
and then it splits
into two divisions
and then the
play each other
three more times
or whatever the
fuck happens
and then the
bottom team
doesn't even get
relegated to play
against the top
team
what a fucking
stupid division
man
what a stupid
stupid league
like if you just
played a proper
league in the
format that
everyone else
plays a league
you'd probably
attract better
players
no you can't expect
Man Scotland's fucking tiny
You're not getting fucking
Man you have a fucking
20 person fucking league
A 20 team league in Scotland
Fucking
Two Glasgow teams
And then we're going up to
Fucking Brecon at this point
I guess by the time you get
The top teams
Like the
Something in your range
There's only six cities in Scotland
Isn't there something like that?
But you have got enough teams
For one solid league But it would just be A massive gulf in standard like in your range there's only six cities in Scotland isn't there something like that but you have got enough teams for
one solid league
but it would just
be a massive
gulf in standard
I guess
but like 12 teams
but that is my
point
is that like
he was definitely
being sexist
rather than
like rather than
his valid point
being valid
because if his
valid point was
valid he wouldn't
have watched SPL
I don't know
talking to my
father-in-law
like he prefers the SPL
just because it is
it's like the old school
type of football
which is just blokes
there's no
I mean only now
is there fucking VAR
but it was just like
elbows in
shoulders up
men being fucking men
like Italians didn't come over
so I mean
diving wasn't as bad
as it fucking
could have been
sort of shit
like
I think it's a bit of
I mean I don't watch the SPL.
I like...
If I'm watching Scottish football,
I'm watching lower league Scottish football
because it's so bad that it's funny
and you can abuse the players' verbally
and they can hear you.
Yeah.
That's the lower league.
Have you seen that game of football?
I don't know if it was SPL.
It might have been.
It might have just been lower league in England
where the the fan
there wasn't enough fans
behind the goal
to fill every seat
so there was like
25% of the seats
were full
and each of them
got like a
white arrow
that they kept
pointed towards the goal
in whichever side
of the pitch
the ball was at
they all ran down the aisles
with the arrow
pointing at the goal
so wherever they were
they were pointing
towards the net
you can have
some good
good fun
at lower league
football
I'll watch
Scotland's women
whenever they're in
I would watch them
as fun as
they would go
in the world cup
but the second
Scotland were out
of the world cup
unlike the men's
world cup
I wouldn't watch
the final of the
women's world cup
unless the blokes
were in it
and that's
that's bad
feminism I guess
which is by the way which I didn't that was the standard I didn't have I would always watch the chick Women's World Cup Unless the blokes were in it And that's That's bad feminism I guess Which is
By the way
Which I didn't
That was the standard
I didn't have
I would always watch
The Czech fucking
UFC fights
Ronda Rousey was amazing
For that
Oh fucking
Rose Namagunas
Fucking
And Misha Tate
Misha Tate was fucking great
And then
But Ronda Rousey
Was like
Absolute like
The draw though
Wasn't she
Like
You ended up
where you
like she
she had that level
of celebrity
as well as the talent
like that made it
like that you were
excited
who was that
fucking editor
who beat Ronda Rousey
was it
it was Holly Holm
Holly Holm and
who was the Brazilian
one that won
the one that was
the double champion
I can't believe
I don't know her name
Joanna Jurczyk
she's not
she's not she's not
but Joanna was
fucking unbelievable
yeah
as far as that
as far as that
but that was
for me I was
when I was
watching the fights
regularly and then
they introduced
it says Amanda Nunez
and Holly Hall
Amanda Nunez
that's the name
you're looking for
I was the
like
I mean I wasn't like vocally like oh what are women're looking for. I was the, like, I mean, I wasn't, like, vocally, like,
oh, what are women doing in this sport?
I was like, all right, I guess we have to, like, open the door.
I mean, they had Inviticus at the time, so it was there to watch
if you wanted to watch it.
I mean, people were, but not on the level that they were watching UFC.
And when it happened, I was like, all right, okay,
like, this is supposed to happen.
I get it
like we're paving the way
but
I shocked myself
at how much I enjoyed the fights
where I was like
what the fuck
like
because it was like
they were fighting
with something to prove as well
they were fighting
with the weight of that
on their shoulders
the weight
the fact that people
are watching
and like
they feel
probably living with
a bit of imposter syndrome
by like
being there
also no women's fight has ever been as boring
as any Benson Henderson fight.
Nah.
Like, man, we had fucking...
And the whole of their agenda doesn't get put
into this fucking sword when that happens.
Benson Henderson's generation and fucking...
Man, back when Mighty Mouse was champion,
I acknowledged that Mighty Mouse was clinically,
in terms of what he was doing, one of the best.
It was always the most boring,
fucking shit,
in the entire,
just unwatchable,
championship fights,
which is,
oh.
Hey,
that's the headlight,
that's the five rounder,
is it?
Yeah.
Um,
are you going to tune back in,
for 300?
I haven't,
I haven't watched that much,
since we went to 200.
No.
I've watched the odd fight card,
uh, since, since, that, that 2019, we went to 200. No. I've watched the odd fight card since, since that,
that 2009,
you know,
whatever it was.
I would,
the only time I go back is whoever I'd love to now see.
I'm going to watch every Conor McGregor fight for the opposite reason.
No,
no one wants to see that fat coca get chinned.
Get battered.
Aye.
Like I,
like I just,
as somebody who's
lost
just shat on his own legacy
while building it
not even years after
normally it's like
your hero
does everything
retires
come back
20 years later
you're like
oh man he's doing that ad for it
now I fucking hate him
Conor McGregor
you turned on his own career
and was like
I'm gonna start
disappointing you
all
way faster
and way quicker
he had something
so special
it was amazing
he was the fucking
Tyson or the Muhammad Ali
of our generation
for a bit
like he just
especially when he was
like you know
when he was a skinhead kid
that used to like
just be like
fucking mad
talking shit
in the interviews
with Cage Warriors
and then he had his
first UFC fight
and Raul
tuning in
was it
Ben Brimmage
Marcus Brimmage and Raul tuning in on that and he fucking dispatches him and like
every fight is getting bigger and bigger and he keeps fucking winning and you're just there going
this isn't gonna stop when he reaches the top and you're like this is fucking unbelievable
it's generational we'll get to watch it happen we'll talk about it like in generations to come
we'll be talking about being there when this happened.
And then he just shat all over himself.
Yeah.
Just fucking got into coke and then just stank.
Oh, his chat was shite.
And you were like, was it ever good?
Did I fall for it?
Was it a con?
Because I know there was people who hated him all the way through his rise,
and I never got it.
I always thought they were being contrarian. and then they were totally vindicated when he turned
out to be an ultra prick all right it's a big fucking thick stupid cunt guys i'm devastated
remember he left you an answer phone message it was like giddy absolutely giddy i'll fucking kill
you you little fuck I heard you
Tacking shit on the podcast
I'm just
Dead excited by it
You got any points?
Yeah I've got points on the license
I think
I've also got there was only three
Charities that I could see
In the discord
There was Penumbra which is a mental health one
that one of the patrons helped them out during that time there's the trussell trust which does
like food banks and stuff yeah and then there's the north edinburgh arts which just does like
general charity work but also tries to give back stuff great so we've got we've got three in there
and then i mean for how much the money is,
we'll probably just pick one, right?
Sorry?
For what the money is, like 207 quid,
we'll pick one of them rather than between the three.
Aye.
Did any of them stand out for you?
My, like, the mental health one's fine.
Mental health one?
Aye.
Yeah, okay.
So what's it called?
Penumbra.
Penumbra.
Okay, so I'll get in touch
with Penumbra
I'll donate them the money
I think it was
200
somewhere between
230, 250 quid
I'll send that over to them
and let you all know
when that's done
thank you
for subscribing
and it's good
to put your money
to a good cause
I'll do a lot more research
and awareness
on the actual cause itself
as well
you do this
but as a joke
the leg with muggle corner doing it ironically is still doing it yeah awareness on the actual cause itself as well um you do this but as a joke but like like with
muggle corner doing it ironically is still doing it yeah using the neighboring urinal when there's
other urinals available points on that for the absolute lack of spatial awareness man's got his
cock out you're still there having a piss right you don't need to brush shoulders with him when
you're doing it you don't need to stand right next to the guy
it is very funny when you do it
the same as it's funny when you fart in the lift
it doesn't mean that you're not getting points
I'm not doing it to strangers I'm doing it to you
you're doing it when you
now you're going to get points on your licence
but you're doing it anyway you're accepting the points on your licence
right
the pissing
right you get one point for doing it, right?
And once you reach three points...
No, not even.
Not even.
I'm going to redo the punishment on this.
Once you've got a single point for doing that,
you have to queue for a cubicle for the next three pisses
to get the point off your license.
That's your speed awareness course.
You're waiting for that guy
to finish his shit
before you have a piss.
I mean,
I don't do,
I'm not,
it's important clarification.
I don't do this to strangers.
It's just something I enjoy
doing to you in public toilets.
Or friends.
Just friends.
It's a funny thing to think.
And you're laughing when you do it.
It is funny.
Because,
you know,
I wrote this down
because someone just did it like in an airport right now i'm having a piss and someone just
come and just like filed in next to us and there's like there's room today i i don't know how he
wasn't feeling what i would feel if i did that it's so rude it's so rude women will never understand
it but like it's just it's it's it's it's an internal cueing system that is logically a place where you piss
and a place where you don't piss.
And when men violate it,
it makes you want to get a little bit violent,
be like, what the fuck, man?
Just push him out and the next one,
he pisses on his feet a little bit.
Get out of there, man.
There's fucking plenty of room
where you stand next to me pissing for.
Nonsense.
Loads of room.
And he's like, you know,
even if it's fucking rammed in the toilet,
I'll fucking be happy if someone squeezes in between me and that guy if there's a massive queue and we're all pissing
it's the fact that why the fuck are we like near touching each other when we don't need to be
like if there was man if there's if there's if there's pissers at music festivals again
shoulder to shoulder if it's that one when it's in the middle and you're all pissing at facing
each other i've got no problem with there being
30 men around that
if 30 men
are needing to be
and that's why
we have to be close together
we've got no problem
being close to someone
if we physically have to be
for it to be
a conscious choice
for you to choose
there to be
less distance
than necessary
between us
is
aye
points for that
aye
you know what
you're the type of men
women are scared of
because you
clearly don't understand
personal space rules
like you're the ones
that aren't aware
that you're walking
just slightly faster
behind them
at midnight
listening to your headphones
with your hood up
not being aware
that you look
fucking mental
there's something
not switched on
you're feeling the things
that everyone
devoid of empathy
devoid of empathy everybody else
feels this thing
that tells them
that like it's
just off
it's just skew
if this is a bit
skew if
remedy it
like he's not
getting the same
emotion that I
get if I was to
do a thing like
that
need to kill him
buying a tabloid
one point
oh yeah
just if you
earnestly
you're allowed to
read tabloids
if it's been left on a train or if it's been left on public transport and it's all there is to
yeah absolutely and uh the celebrity side of this providing an interview for the tabloid
doing an interview for the sun uh or the fucking daily exposure in this doing an actual sit down
interview with one of their Air quote journalists
Three points
Call them
Don't
Stop contributing
To the death of information
Aye
The red top rags
Yeah
Yeah
Aye
Have a fuck out
Of the day with them
Just like
They haven't been
A part of my life
Since like
I'm gonna say
Like staff room
Of the airport
When I worked
In the airport And you'd like Flick of the airport when I worked in the airport
and you'd like
flick through the sports pages
get angry at whatever
they were telling you
to be angry at
and then fucking do
the super easy crossword
and then that would be like
that would be in the staff room
you're paying to lose
your right to vote
every fucking tabloid
you get
gets one
I'm like man
you're not
you're not getting information
you're not
you're not receiving news
so you don't actually know
what's going on in the world
oh you know
remember when I done
the news for dummies
and I would go and buy
a handful of papers
and flick through the stories
and then write a joke
on different news stories
I did
I did
for a good
like
six months to a year
buy them every day
a handful of them
so I
actually they were
part of my life
and
points
in my mid-twenties
points for that yep fair fucks I'll take my points Actually, they were part of my life in my mid-20s.
Points for that.
Fair fucks.
I'll take my points.
Hopefully, they're off my license now since the last time I bought one.
Because I've done one that you do, I thought I'd do one that I do.
People that steal lighters.
Get home and you've got someone else's lighter in your pocket.
Dear. I'm not lying here. I've got a drawer full of lighters. Get home and you've got someone else's lighter in your pocket. Dear.
I'm not lying here.
I've got a drawer full of lighters.
Ask us if I bought any of them.
Did you buy any of your lighters?
I nicked all of them, Daniel.
I fucking stole them.
I didn't mean to steal them.
I didn't mean to steal them, right? But count them into a fucking bag and charge us a pint for every fucking one of them.
And I'm not allowed to have,
I've got to have matches.
That's my punishment.
Aye, that's fair, man.
You are a lighter thief.
Now, not as a smoker.
I occasionally,
I've absolutely accidentally pocketed fucking lighters
because I'm somebody who smokes a lot of fucking weed.
But I'm always,
I will chase people down,
be like, I'm very sorry,
I gave you this
or I always try to make sure
I keep it in my hand
and give it back
people like you are scum
because you know what
man when I
the amount of times
I've been back at my fucking hotel
and I've not had a lighter
because somebody
has lighter fucking
somebody
exactly who it was
it is you
because here's something as well right
like with
with cigarettes right
if you're in my company
my cigarettes
are your cigarettes
yeah
but if you get it
drag
yours are mine
right
fucking cigarettes to me
it's not been crisp
packing on the table
and I'm fucking
I am
I've nicked a few
but I tell you what
I am not in debt
yeah
I am fucking one for one
for every cigarette I've took
I've given one away
yeah
right
and I say that
it's not the same
as you need your lighter
give away a cigarette you've got another you need your lighter give away a cigarette
you've got another cigarette
in your pocket
give away a lighter
you're looking for a lighter
yeah
I
cruel thing to do people
uh huh
it's a good one
it's very honest of you
yeah
I just
I don't
I don't know how
I'm ever going to fix it
shitting in
the
communal toilet
and this could be anywhere
like whether you live with your friends whether you're in like
a hotel whether you're in a camper van
whether you're in a there is a place
like there is standard etiquette of
especially when we've
got fucking guests around and stuff being like
there's a pissing bathroom and we all know this is
the pissing bathroom because it's the bathroom
that's closest to where everyone's going to be at all times
right whether this is a day long thing whether this is the pissing bathroom because it's the bathroom that's closest to where everyone's going to be at all times, right? Whether this is a day-long thing,
whether this is a weekend thing,
whether this is a two-week thing.
They come by van at a festival.
You're having a shit
in the fucking toilet.
There are places to shit
and there are places to piss.
Shitting
in a place,
in a toilet.
Oh,
but it's a toilet.
Fuck off, man.
We're adults.
Don't stop using this fucking Joe Rogan thing fuck off man we're adults don't stop using
this fucking
Joe Rogan thing
of like we're all monkeys
at the end of the day
we're all fucking monkeys
we created society
and we've been to the moon
right
yeah shit stinks
yeah
yeah yeah
we created society
and also we created society
6,000 years ago
so it's not
it's not
it's new
in terms of like
evolution
but catch up
we just have higher standards for each other now.
Stop shitting in the places that we agree not to.
I was, even when I was in Portugal with Natalie last summer,
I was using the lobby toilet to have a shade at the hotel.
Man, during the day, I'm allowed to shit in our en suite
because it's during the fucking day,
car is downstairs.
If I want to shit at night time
shit in one of the other toilets Daniel
yeah
like that
that's right beside
it's the communal toilet
at that point
backstage where the
the toilets like
attached to the green room
yeah
like ones where I think it's okay
is like
the Edinburgh stand
when it's kind of round the corner
and it's still in the same space
but it's like back there
but you know
like the Glasgow Glee
which I think I have
had a shit in before
by the way
so point
no
you shat the communion one
at the London Palladium
you bastard
in the green room one
I know but that was
also in a separate room
yeah it didn't help
it's when the door
opens into the room
that's the problem
like yours
it was room
room
toilet
no no no it's not just that
no no no you can't shit in the toilet that everyone's going to go into pissing that's what
you're doing i thought you were doing like the door opens into the communal space the door from
the shit toilet opens in the communal space no the door opens in the ambient random room that
you're not using vestibule area if you're shitting in the toilet that everyone
there's only one
toilet
most people are
pissing
we're all pissing
like would I
would I shit
on a train toilet
where it's in the
vestibule area
yes
would I shit
in a bus toilet
where it opens
into the fucking
cabin of the bus
no
it's the
if there's a room
to catch the smell
that's where you can shit
that's what I think with public toilets
i don't think you're allowed to
shit in there if people you can't make people smell shit when they need to go for a piss yeah
i don't think you're going to the toilet it's a toilet not at somebody's houses like not when
there's other houses the one that is for it on a train should i somebody's houses like not when there's other houses on a train
should I get
okay that's the
only option
if you're saying
a downstairs toilet
it's a pissing toilet
I'll go and
shite in that one
because it opens up
into like a
boxed off
passage
no you've got to
be shitting in
Colin's room
is that right
I think you're
like one
one stage more
Nazi than me
about shitting
yeah I am
yeah I think
it's
I think that that only counts
if you're opening it up
into the
into the room
where people are socialising
I just
you think
you think if somebody's
going to go for a piss
and you've had a shite in there
I think
if I'm
if I'm at
somebody's house
and they're throwing a party
right
and we're all in one room
and there's a toilet there
if I'm going to shit I will ask them where a second toilet is I'll be like can I use your toilet and they're like a party, right? And we're all in one room and there's a toilet there. If I'm going to shit, I will ask them where a second toilet is.
I'll be like, can I use your toilet?
They're like, yeah, just right there.
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know I should have done this on my own time,
but you served me coffee.
I'm going to spit on you because you're in there for shit.
Yeah, I don't want to shit in the one that we're all using to piss in.
Can I go use...
Fair enough.
I'll use an outside toilet.
Yeah, that's an extra level of conscientious.
I don't think you force that moral on everybody else okay okay but I do agree
but we're allowing there I do agree with you if you like like you say green room
toilet that opens straight into the green room or something like that or
like a motorhome yeah like you're all sharing the same space to play board
games do coke and drink booze yeah and then somebody has a shite in that one
that's a fucking perfectly good.
Yeah.
Public toilet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that,
I think that.
Okay.
100%.
Like none of us will be shitting on the tour bus.
No.
No.
Well,
maybe Cale in,
but he's got to lose points.
He's got to get points on his license every time.
The punishment would be
No more toilet paper
No more toilet paper for you
Yeah no more toilet paper
You lose a bunch of toilet paper
Yeah why should we deal with your stink
If you don't have to deal with it
You have to carry it around with you
Do you have any dad jokes?
I've got four
Oh I've also got another point
Go on then let's do that
Three points
Serious one this.
Mocking someone's laugh.
Now, there are exceptions.
If you're losing an argument with a relative,
and it's basically...
Yeah, absolutely.
You're allowed to mock your sibling's laughs.
Absolutely.
You're allowed to mock your... laughs absolutely you're allowed to mock
that's a
crucial
if someone's laughing
at something that you don't
find funny
you can do a pretend
laugh to like
yeah yeah
disarm them
of what they've just laughed at
funny that was it
yeah yeah yeah
and again that's
more mocking
what they're laughing at
if you're making fun
of somebody's laugh
it's cruel
oh
how they express joy
is it cruelty though
to like make them
self conscious
in their moments
of utter vulnerability
that's not
I'll often compliment
a bad laugh
at a gig
if someone does
like an out of sequence
or a seal laugh
or something
that'll go
good laugh
like you said
to the fart in the game
like good arse
that's a nice one
yeah I mean
I've had
some
ex-girlfriends with
some of the
most blood
cardling laughs
like I'll never
mention their names and I would never tell them
that their laughs were awful because I always told them
that they had beautiful laughs
because then you get points on your licence
and it's all again
just a fucking
Jesus fucking Christ
like one of those
I was like
I couldn't be in a
I can't be in a relationship
with you
if that's the noise you make
when I bring you joy
oh boy
it would be a shame
of a deal breaker
oh the worst
yeah yeah
I wonder if you could like
tune it to be something
that you liked
I don't know enough
like it's a subjectivity
so you objectively do it where like if that's the person you love
and that's how they sound when they're happy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Would you be able to tune your brain rather than?
Well, it's like any time you see a couple,
they're like, oh, my God, I fucking hate the way he breathes.
And you're like, oh, break up.
Yeah, that's not.
Like if you're paying attention to like.
That's not his breathing that you hear.
That's his soul.
Yeah, that's not he's breathing that you hear that's his soul yeah that's
his soul
did you hear
about Jimmy Carr
in Nick Helms show
yes
where he does
the
like
because he like
breathes in
laughs inwardly
doesn't he
yeah
like that
and then
Jimmy Carr did that
in Nick Helms show
and Nick just went
Jimmy come on
I don't come to your show
and laugh
very funny eh card did that and Nick held Sean and Nick just went Jimmy come on, I don't come to your show and laugh Your dad put
schnooze under his eyelids
Your dad goes outside to schnooze
Two's, dad's two's on a schnooze
Your dad kitzies
Your dad's D&D character
Is just him with a bigger dick
Your dad once took you into bed so tight
You had to call the fire brigade to come cut you out
Your dad's got a schlort
Schlort
Schlort
Schlort Schlort So it was schlong Schlong Short and short
I wrote these a while ago
Now I can't read them
Your dad was curled up
Licking his armpits
Clean like a cat
Totally oblivious
At the foot of your hospital bed
When you were born
Your dad thinks queefs
Are the ghosts of miscarriages
I can get by that notion Fucking hell Jesus Christ it's haunted And you know it Your dad thinks queefs are the ghosts of miscarriages.
I can get by with that notion.
Fucking hell, Jesus Christ is haunted in here, isn't he?
Look at that, the ectoplasm coming at you, pussy.
Your dad popped a spot in his nose and the rest of his acne went off like a Chinese firecracker.
I convinced your dad that I got a BDE
From the king
What's a BDE?
Big Dick Energy
That's all I've got for you mate
Aye
That's all I've got for you
Nope
Got any more?
Is that you done?
I think that's the podcast done
Aye
Thanks for tuning in
Thanks for being here
With us in this room
With us in this room with us
in your ears
talking in your ears
while you laugh
on a bus
that's you that
yeah these people
are on buses
I'm talking directly
to you
you that's been
laughing on the bus
everybody else
is tuned out now
it's just me and Eno
fart
I don't care
I don't care
if you don't need to fart
try
try and fart
this is how like insane people end up on buses
You just hear this voice in their head
Follow through
Have a shite in your pants on the bus
You know it's actually physically impossible to shit yourself
After the age of 6
Part of your brain just develops it
It's absolutely impossible to shit yourself
It's only through brain cancer and turning old
That that part deteriorates
If you are between the age of 7 and 45 i'm telling you right now it is impossible to
shit yourself no matter how hard you try you better fucking believe every word i say when i
tell you i've pissed my pants because of someone doing that to me but pissing their pants
2012 and dora drunk as fuck being on the ye, and we were all deciding that you can't piss yourself for that reason,
and fucking me and Cubby,
one of the lads,
Cubby,
really just fucking meditated on it,
and the pair would just start pissing my pants at the exact same time,
and the pills come out,
and the rest of the boys are laughing,
mother fucker,
it froze on the walk home,
it froze,
I'm up in the fucking Alps,
and it fucking went rock solid,
white piss patch on the front of my jeans You not having anything to change into?
I was heading home
Getting to them
Getting to bed
The night's ended there
That's not the beginning of the night
I haven't got a bunch of dancing more to do
After I succumbed to pissing myself
with the PR pressure
were you able to stop pissing halfway through or did you just fully commit
I'll just make this real finish it then
that's not what we're trying to achieve
yeah I mean once you've pissed your pants
walking home in less pissy pants
isn't going to make too much of a difference
get out of the toilet and fucking get in your cock
and get your wet trousers
just to finish it off
with some kind of
moral line in the sand
that you have
it's only if you piss
yourself a little bit
yeah
we'll full on
piss your pants
it was a good night
actually
one of the best
good night to something
dead like that
yeah
still tired
but it knew
12 years later
I'm sure Cubby's not
oh yeah
he didn't live
he's dead he's not he's not. Oh, yeah, he didn't live.
He's dead, him.
He's not.
He's not dead.
All right.
Well, see you later, kids.
Bye.