Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Older Than Your Average MILF

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

Answering life's impossible quandaries, like how old is a piece of MILF. Daniel's child has his second birthday party so Muggins and Cream remember the joys and tragedies of their childhood parties. ...Fast forward to this week when Kai was embarrassed to get recognised at a student night out where he was old enough to be their dad. Find out what gets you points on your people license.  #19         Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy!     www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk  Discount Code: thistlysloss10        Join us at Altitude festival for a live podcast in the Alps, 1-5 April 2024. Get discounted festival tickets with your 10% discount code.     www.altitudefestival.com  Discount Code: mugginsandcream24

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?
Starting point is 00:00:14 That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? How's your son's birthday party?
Starting point is 00:00:27 Aye. Many milfs? Erm, a couple of milfs. A couple of milfs? A couple of milfs. Flirt with them? Flirt with one of them. Lady?
Starting point is 00:00:35 Aye. Aye, Cara? Aye. Er, melms. Melms? Melm her? What's the extra M? Mum that lets me. Mum that lets me Mum
Starting point is 00:00:50 I'd There's not a vowel you need to put a vowel in You need a better acronym I'll give up then We're like way older than Milfs now I reckon if you look at a MILFs on the internet. I'm not, I'm not. Maybe for you.
Starting point is 00:01:09 I'm fucking, no, man. I reckon like the MILF tube's like late 20s and it's like young people are looking at that. It's not like the... No, but first of all, I'm pretty sure MILFs, I don't think you can be, I don't think... What age was... I don't think you can be the MILF of a toddler.
Starting point is 00:01:26 Original MILF, what age was Stifler's mum? She must have been older than you, for her to be Stifler's mum. What age was Stifler's mum during American Pie 1? That is the original age of the... I reckon she would have been... The dawn of MILF. Yeah, if she would have been 45, she was five.
Starting point is 00:01:45 I think so yeah yeah yeah like don't get me wrong like I personally believe you know you can be a Melf if you've got a fucking baby but I just think traditionally
Starting point is 00:01:54 like a Melf is of like a teenage kid as well a teenage kid's mother yeah you can't not like a woman pushing a pram
Starting point is 00:02:03 with a fucking baby it needs to be one of your mates' mothers yeah it can't be so you have like a woman pushing a pram with a fucking boobie. It needs to be one of your mates' mothers. Yeah. It can't be. So you have to be, like, sentient to the idea of fucking. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. To look at somebody your age as mother.
Starting point is 00:02:12 You're not, like, looking at, like, you're not looking at a baby going, you're a mum. You're a mum, I want to fuck you, you're a mum. I'm looking at Caelan being like, I want to fuck you, you're a mum. I don't tell him that. Mum's a mum. He knows, yeah, yeah, yeah. The actress was 38, but I don't tell him that He knows Yeah yeah yeah The actress was
Starting point is 00:02:25 38 But I don't know About the character Two years younger than me And four or five years Older than you Yeah However old I fucking am
Starting point is 00:02:33 She done the fringe What's her name Jennifer Coolidge Jennifer Coolidge Done the fringe And she was in She's had a resurgence Because she was
Starting point is 00:02:42 What's she in now She was in White Lotus And she was so good In White Lotus Which one's White Lotus. She was so good in White Lotus. Which one's White Lotus? The comedy about the hotel called the White Lotus. Good, recommended? Yes.
Starting point is 00:02:53 Like a bit fucking, a bit bougie and wanky. Like a good, we thought it was really funny and we really enjoyed the theme tune, but there's a bit of pretentiousness. Like it's good, but you've got to be pretentiousness. Like, it's good, but you've got to be smart to enjoy it. I'll check it out. I've been watching True Detective.
Starting point is 00:03:09 I'm not sure about it. There's one episode left. Right. It would have been class if they just released it as a block of six. It's not fucking grip enough to make us wait until Monday. Like, I don't care that much
Starting point is 00:03:21 by the time Monday comes around, but I'll just be like, oh, well, then might as well. Watch another one. But I'm not like, fuck, man, is it Monday yet? I need to know what happened. Is this one with the... I still don't know if it's supernatural or not. Oh.
Starting point is 00:03:35 Yeah, I still don't know. Is this one with girls in it? Jodie Foster's the main, the big name in it, yeah. Yeah. Which is Clarice Stalin are they the hardest nails yeah I mean they're all pretty tough yeah
Starting point is 00:03:48 they punch things uh huh get into fights get hurt okay yeah I mean they're up in the ever dark of Alaska
Starting point is 00:03:57 you know like the permanent night where like the sun goes down who's harder Jodie Foster or the other one the other one
Starting point is 00:04:03 aye yeah okay do they ever fight each other not yet no I mean they're always Jodie Foster or the other one the other one aye yeah okay they ever fight each other not yet no I mean they're always like at loggerheads they haven't come to blows
Starting point is 00:04:11 but I think the younger one at Smasher aye yeah aye aye just like just nails but do you reckon it'd be like
Starting point is 00:04:19 physically more aye I shouldn't have a nail and what about in real life oh you can find out what's the name of the actress who plays the name of the actress who plays
Starting point is 00:04:25 the type in the other one from check true detective
Starting point is 00:04:30 which is what it's called by the way yeah in real life
Starting point is 00:04:36 absolutely I mean Jodie Foster's is like nails to my core
Starting point is 00:04:40 but she's still like quite a slight older woman whereas this
Starting point is 00:04:43 woman's like quite hench and young is it michelle monaghan yeah probably probably or alexandra d'adorio probably i it's one of them um kayla's birthday was good um it's it's so funny like i you know how you obviously we made fun of you because your girlfriend, your girlfriend,
Starting point is 00:05:05 your girlfriend picked your dog after that for ages. One of the big things that I thought I would hate so much about being a dad, and I'm on record saying several times, is I do not want my friends to be dictated by my son's friends and his friends, right? Whereas now, man, I love the swimming mums. Like, I'm in that group myself.
Starting point is 00:05:25 You prefer that WhatsApp to like your mates and your comedian mates? Oh, no, no, I'm I love the swimming mums. Like, I'm in that group myself. You prefer that WhatsApp to, like, your mates and your comedian mates? Oh, no, no, I'm not in the swimming mums WhatsApp. Do you like seeing yourself on your best behaviour as well? Do you like your best self that you're putting forward? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, because I get to... I thought I would have to really change who I was,
Starting point is 00:05:43 like, to, like, be acceptable to my son's friends like i thought you don't change who you are you operate in decorum yeah like who i was in front of my granddad isn't not who i am it's just that's the best me oh no i'm not i'm not as clean as in front i'm not like in this one i'm not as clean with them as that like but they know who i am like they they've come to the show and stuff like we're friends So if But I didn't know that Whereas I am just me I can still Obviously
Starting point is 00:06:08 I mean You know We all swear around our kids Like they're a good set of mums Because they're not like the You get some bitchy parents And you get some non-bitchy parents Right
Starting point is 00:06:16 Bitchy parents are the ones That are always like Trying to get your kid To be in competition With their kid Being like Oh we You know
Starting point is 00:06:21 We don't let our kid do this And we only do this And we only Screen time Yeah Oh yeah All these ones And people who want to appear like that That's absolutely fine I'm just telling you with their kid being like oh we you know what we don't let our kid do this we only do this screen time yeah oh yeah all these ones and people who want to pair like that
Starting point is 00:06:27 that's absolutely fine I'm just telling you you're absolutely fucking shite to hang out with like as another parent it's just been like oh man can you not make me compare myself to you
Starting point is 00:06:36 like if you're doing a better job can you just do it fucking quietly the reason I love the fucking swim mums is because they'll be sitting there
Starting point is 00:06:41 and you'll be like you'll have hung out with other parents who are just like we never let our kid do this and it's just refreshing to see someone being like man he got into the fucking he got into the celebration tub this morning and there was nothing we could do to get him out of it and i'm like i oh i really respect that type of parenting yeah when people show their own weakness and vulnerability they're not doing the perfect
Starting point is 00:06:59 fucking route no through the obstacle course of life just that fucking stumbling the fall and they the going back a few steps and you're like oh man and you're like oh reality then the people who are
Starting point is 00:07:09 the yes the people who are the opposite of Instagram reels are way better to hang out with because it's just them being like
Starting point is 00:07:16 man we dropped him down the stairs yesterday how is he we're too scared to get ejected who gives a fuck that type of parenting
Starting point is 00:07:22 is you know fun to to get to share all of your shitty little moments so Russian honesty oh man just somebody being like
Starting point is 00:07:30 I can't remember what it was you think acting like the perfect parent is just like a fucking insecurity that absolutely you're like shielding yourself absolutely I'm doing it right
Starting point is 00:07:38 if I let it creep in that I'm doing it wrong I'm gonna fall well yeah yeah and I think it's a bit we must be right if I agree that you're always right then I'm fucked because I've been doing it wrong that means the fall well i yeah yeah and i think it's a bit we must be right if i agree that you're always right then i'm fucked because i've been doing it wrong that means the best form of
Starting point is 00:07:48 defense is attacks when you get defensive about your parenting things you tend to attack other people's parenting things so it's really nice to be about and by the way look all of these women are unbelievable mothers right like of course they are but like they they're very much like man i i lost him for five minutes in the house yesterday and I walked around the corner and he was just licking the pram wheel and I'm there going
Starting point is 00:08:09 man thank fucking god the amount of times the amount of times Can has been up in the shower and I'm meant to be looking after Cale and I'll be like what's in your mouth
Starting point is 00:08:14 what fuck fuck can you remember when ages ago there was like a fucking massive thing in the paper as it would David Cormoran
Starting point is 00:08:21 leave when he was kidding the Pope I was like everyone was hating on him I was reading that guy and different makers like him. Don't humanise this man. Yeah, man.
Starting point is 00:08:35 So there was lots of, well, here's the, so there was lots of people at Cailin's birthday party. Lots of the there's all the entire swimming mums were there. I've spoken about Little Posh People on this podcast before because it was that company that my wife made us go to for the soft play at our wedding because we knew
Starting point is 00:08:50 there were going to be lots of kids at our wedding all the adults ended up on it but you could rent this thing called Little Posh People and I had a problem with the fact that their company was called Little Posh People because that's a Tory company just fucking admit who you are it doesn't make me feel good to order from that place,
Starting point is 00:09:05 but they are exceptional and we love them. They have upped their fucking game. And I have no idea this was an option. As always, well, not as always, as of recently and as hopefully continuing in the future, we are sponsored by Thistley Cross Cider. Now, I've said this several times about Thistley Cross. Unlike a lot of podcasts and their advertisers,
Starting point is 00:09:32 we were not approached by them. I approached them because this is one of my favourite drinks in the entire world. It has a number of flavours, from Scottish fruits to the whisky cast, to their original flavour, to elderflower, to strawberry. It's Scottish cider made in the east of Scotland. It's a small Scottish-owned business that have been growing for the past 10 years.
Starting point is 00:09:59 They do it all by themselves. They have been doing it so well for so long that they have been winning the, particularly the WhiskeyCask One has been winning the Cider of the Year 2023. I imagine they'll get it again in 2024 because as a prolific cider drinker, I've not tried anything else in bed.
Starting point is 00:10:20 Also, I just want to say thank you to everybody that's used the discount code and shared it online And stuff because it's nice to see you all enjoying What we've been banging on about Yes it does make and it makes us look Infinitely better to them in the fact that you're now buying it So if you want if you are in the UK And you want to sample some of the best cider That the UK has to offer
Starting point is 00:10:38 You can go to thisleycross.co.uk And by using the promo code thisleysloss10 You will get a 10% discount That's thisleysloss10 you will get a 10% discount. That's thistleysloss10 at thistleycrosssider.co.uk It's a perfect way to support the podcast and it's a perfect way to support local Scottish businesses.
Starting point is 00:10:54 And absolutely post it on Instagram and tag us in and tag in Thistley Cross and give us something to share. All week for the entire month of fucking January and the first week of February and I was like
Starting point is 00:11:05 you've got no idea when it's coming to Cailin's birthday do you and I'm like I know don't paint me as like this
Starting point is 00:11:12 old dad that like doesn't care it's the same rule as the wedding right I'll be involved in the bits that I'm interested in
Starting point is 00:11:17 but I'm not going to pretend to have an opinion on stuff when your opinion on it's just way more because you care more like I don't give a fuck
Starting point is 00:11:22 about the flowers but I do give a fuck about the booze and the food and the whatever when it comes to our son's birthday party she picked the theme
Starting point is 00:11:28 right she's like it's going to be ocean theme like to the sea as in the pun to the number to the sea
Starting point is 00:11:35 so and she's got her cake place that she always go to so I didn't take me involved in that and she's just happy doing it
Starting point is 00:11:41 next year it'll be another three well maybe what would next what would be a third one and then four at the show no it can't be it can't be
Starting point is 00:11:50 deep dive for five no it can't be it can't be see you've got to do the opposite we've got to find a pun for three that's something else climbing three
Starting point is 00:11:58 three monkeys three monkeys no that's no it's twelve monkeys isn't it yeah three monkeys is the song about's not it's twelve monkeys isn't it yeah three monkeys is the song
Starting point is 00:12:07 about jumping on the bed three little monkeys jumping on the bed is that what it is yeah that's where that came from so you can rent
Starting point is 00:12:15 like a soft play climbing frame thing that comes in three parts comes in the back of a fucking trolley like a horse trolley and it god delivers
Starting point is 00:12:24 so the whole week, I'm like, Cara, there's going to be balloons, they're going to look like fucking whales and sharks. There's going to be like a fucking ball pit. I fully, I'm aware of what's about to turn up,
Starting point is 00:12:33 right? Massive, like, taller than I am. Like, I'd say, what, about six and a half feet,
Starting point is 00:12:41 each of these fucking things? Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet. Five and a half feet, tell her that. Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet, each of these fucking things? Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet... Five and a half feet, tell her that. Six and a half feet tall, six and a half feet wide, giant fucking squares, made of fucking metal, have to carry them up the fire exit because...
Starting point is 00:12:53 Full of water. Well, well, there was a stupid part of me, like we were lifting one of them up and one of them had loads of balls and it was the ball pit part and they were all sealed in and it was really heavy and it took five of us to lift and i was like i didn't say out loud thank god i didn't say out loud because it was only oh i genuinely thought to myself would it be later if we took the balls out tiny little tiny little ball that are really hard to carry and really inconvenient to carry the worst that's like that fucking cartoon of like
Starting point is 00:13:23 somebody carrying a wardrobe up the stairs and somebody inside of it carrying the clothes yes yeah like uh i don't feel very fucking stupid that turned out man i can't i can't like there are children now that must have access to birthday parties that were well beyond our wildest dream My birthday kids Like a gold tier A gold tier I threw a great Fucking birthday When I was young Was If your mum and dad
Starting point is 00:13:50 Let you fucking Take you and your friends To the cinema That was a fucking Great one Loved the cinema trip That was real top notch If any of your friends
Starting point is 00:13:57 Managed to take you To fucking Laser Quest Always a great day Bowling I had below But like bowling Like It was so good I looked like oh i said
Starting point is 00:14:07 what's good to a bowling party uh yeah definitely there for the dads the dads are coming before the kids if you're going to bowling well there's more the thing about bowling as well is like you're i feel like that's a good one for your teenage years because especially if there's like people of the opposite sex or people you're attracted to there you're sort of trusted to be alone at bowling alley parents are parents are in the restaurant next door or you're attracted to there you're sort of trusted to be alone at bowling alley parents are parents are in the restaurant next door or they're up at the
Starting point is 00:14:27 fucking bar playing the arcade machine or doing whatever reading the book they can leave you to fucking bowl so you've got interactions
Starting point is 00:14:32 Laser Quest I don't know any of them things you know no what was yours like I remember the Blythe Sports
Starting point is 00:14:38 and a Soft Play was always the one that was like the go to like every kid seemed to have the same party and it was that because that was just a giant indoor play place but then after there was always the one that was like the go-to like every kid seemed to have the same party and it was that but then that was just a giant indoor play but then after they're like there was always like stuff on at houses where you play like heads and tails you know where you flip a coin and you've
Starting point is 00:14:53 got all your heads together all your bums together and you do like improvised games so like everyone's dancing and then like you've got the music stops and people put their heads together put their bums together and then the flick a coin and then all the music stops and people put their heads together put their bums together and then they flick a coin and then all the people that have got their heads together go out and all the people that have got their tails together
Starting point is 00:15:09 stay in like where it's cost the parents nothing yeah yeah yeah it's cost the parents flat zero I remember turning up
Starting point is 00:15:18 to one of them parties that's not true they might lose the penny yeah you gotta keep it you gotta keep it I remember turning up to a party from a girl at school lose the penny. Yeah, you've got to keep it. You've got to keep it. I remember I turned up to a party
Starting point is 00:15:27 from a girl at school and I was the only boy that turned up. You were gay? I was the gay kid at the party and I was absolutely
Starting point is 00:15:36 mortified and it was one of the parents like teamed up with me for all the party games because all the girls picked each other
Starting point is 00:15:42 and I was not only the only boy, the odd number that was teamed up with a mum How old were you? Like 18 or something Like how old like must have been
Starting point is 00:15:58 7 I'm going to say 7 And you've got no idea Why you were The only boy picked Yeah The only boy that was there Aye Like Right until you played football
Starting point is 00:16:09 Or something I wonder if like I mean everyone must have Got invited And then made their excuses right They wouldn't have just Invited one boy to the party Yeah
Starting point is 00:16:17 Like nobody filled me on On how that happened I wasn't expecting that Felt like I was texting my mates Going you're gonna be at the party It was seven in the 90s Aye Late 80s
Starting point is 00:16:26 core memory though just you and the girls when I got so much of it at a seven year old birthday party I remember
Starting point is 00:16:38 when I was in school it was everybody got had to pick that like you know your options
Starting point is 00:16:44 that you have in school and the option with design technology was like you got had to pick that like um you know your options that you have in school and the option with the design technology was like you can do uh textiles or cooking or woodwork or i think there's another one and one of the lads picked cooking and he was the only one to pick cooking and we're all doing woodwork all the boys were doing woodwork and he started getting called gay for picking food and he just everyone in the fucking like yard against him and he just looked, gay? I'm doing the only thing full of lasses. As a kid, it just
Starting point is 00:17:11 stumped everybody. They were like, huh? No, we work with each other's wood. Maybe we're gay. Please accept us for who we are. Lads, is Carpenter gay? What do you mean Jesus was a carpenter?
Starting point is 00:17:29 Well that confirms everything He ain't run with 12 blokes did he? Dead Had to get him drunk on wine Try this water Drink my blood Are you one of those gays? Not even allowed to give blood Pass the jar
Starting point is 00:17:50 Pass the jar We'll put a fiver in There it is Do we need to vote on Or has there been a vote On who we're donating All the The last year's money to Yeah we need to give
Starting point is 00:18:11 Money to a charity There's some people In the discord I believe But I haven't actually looked Yeah it's quite a while ago I can have a look Yeah we'll have a look Now and we'll
Starting point is 00:18:17 We'll put it on the Patreon What we've given to Yeah We'll phone them and give it And just not even explain why I went to the comedy store this weekend where you
Starting point is 00:18:27 were having birthday parties and we're meeting me and Tom I was staying at Tom Horton's house and we're
Starting point is 00:18:33 meeting up with Elliot Steele afterwards and he's out with one of his mates and we just agreed to meet him at
Starting point is 00:18:38 this pub that's near Tom's house the nearest pub to Tom's house so we meet him there
Starting point is 00:18:44 afterwards and fuck me did it look like a student union coming in they must have had some like student night on
Starting point is 00:18:50 or something and you know whack and then like that Tom State joke from fucking ages ago like just sprung
Starting point is 00:18:58 into my mind where he was like I can't go to a nightclub now if I do people look at me like someone's in trouble
Starting point is 00:19:03 their dad's here because like I could like old enough I would have the babies young old enough to be the dads yeah like genuinely
Starting point is 00:19:11 biologically old enough to be the dads legally old enough to be the dads and then Elliot and his mates sat there in their mid-twenties
Starting point is 00:19:20 looking slightly old for the occasion but not dodgy yeah and I go and sit with him right and this young lad
Starting point is 00:19:27 and her wife just skinny young lad you know he hasn't filled out yet just points at me going Elliot Steele Kai Humphries
Starting point is 00:19:35 I love your comedy it's fucking great oh wow fucking cool like I did ask for a photo I didn't know if I stayed as well coming out like that just pointed out
Starting point is 00:19:42 that he that he enjoyed it and then later on i'm just like outside waiting for everybody else to finish their drinks and make their way out and all that like me and elliot and this young lad just come up with his man yeah i've been talking to my mate over there the fuck are you doing valid question i think man i'm glad i got the chance to clear this up but that's where i'm staying and i could point at the hoose i'm like that's where i'm staying
Starting point is 00:20:09 this sells booze and we're meeting friends and but fuck me i was like i should not have been in there so was it a nightclub it's just a bar like we could get a seat and have a drink but it was like it did have a dance floor yeah i mean i guess it could be it it was a dance floor, yeah. I mean, I guess it could be. It was a function room, would be more of a way of describing it. A function room with a dance floor and tables and chairs in. Student union would be another good way of explaining what it was.
Starting point is 00:20:35 Did you feel like a beast? No, because I spent most of the time chatting to Elliot watching a 2013 rerun of Man United versus Man City where Wayne Rooney scored the overhead kick and we knew it was coming at some point
Starting point is 00:20:48 so we're just really enjoying like old school football which is I still find it mad it's tight with old school football and I'm tired of 2013 because
Starting point is 00:20:56 I see old school football as the 90s but I'm sat there with Elliot Steel where that's his 90s so I just had a lovely chat with my mate had a pint
Starting point is 00:21:05 and watched some footy so is that right but like 19 year olds look like nowadays they were all wearing woolly hats oh indoors a lot of woolly hats like fur bands okay like what like white fur or like a like a beanie like lots of lots of woolly hats like a ski theme it wasn't like a student because i think it was just cold out right and they were now indoors and left the hats on that's one thing i noticed the rest of them like the rest of the the attire wasn't angled towards keeping them warm i was going to say yeah they they used to today quite quite a bit on display despite oh you're old listen to you quite a lot on display oh listen to you i was thinking about the temperature um that is an old way to say it isn't it a lot on display yeah or pouring out their dresses
Starting point is 00:22:01 well to be fair i guess you get to an age where you can't you're're not allowed to say, like, although it's scantily clad, because it sounds like you're attracted to it, and then that's when it's creepy. It was. You have to find, like, vague ways to say they weren't wearing much, but then, like, not sounding. It wasn't. That's why I know I'm old, right?
Starting point is 00:22:20 Like, even though, like, subjectively, some of these girls were probably very beautiful. Yes. And scantily clad. If any of them sat down next to me and started chatting, I'd feel fucking deeply uncomfortable. Nice. Like, I'd recoil at the thought of this conversation.
Starting point is 00:22:37 I'm sorry. I know in your head you're an adult because you're the oldest you've ever been and you are absolutely within your own right. You're an adult because you're the oldest you've ever been and you are absolutely within your own your own right you're an adult to me you're a child and i cannot talk to a child who is in her underwear i feel paternal i feel paternal yeah in any advance would feel incestuous because i just want to protect them in a way uh yeah i don't know what i don't know what I'd do now if... I mean, thankfully, the good thing about being very openly married and stuff is... Not that I ever got hit on heaps.
Starting point is 00:23:13 Yeah, I'm looking at respect. I occasionally, after shows, if I ever met with fans, occasionally I would have somebody being like, oh, if you want a 45 of my show is about how much I love my wife and my son so like there's just no yeah which by the way I'm annoyed at
Starting point is 00:23:34 because I would love to prove my loyalty I'd love to be doing the thing that I know she goes through all the time which is like people throw themselves at me and I'm saying no and by the way I'll pass all your stupid little tests which is like people throw themselves at me and i'm saying no and by the way and i'll pass all your stupid little tests which is like it's not it's not sorry i'm married it's i'm married there's no sorry i'm not apologizing yeah i'm not sorry for you that you don't get to fuck me even though i am class at it and you would have loved it but of course i'm not sorry because i
Starting point is 00:23:58 love my wife and she's the only one who's getting this fucking hot. That's what you've got to say. So I had that one where someone just verbally offered us a blowjob. Aye. And I don't know. I think it's with me. I love blowjobs. Probably doesn't even matter where they're coming from. Yeah. And obviously fucking embarrassed, flat rejected it.
Starting point is 00:24:22 How did you say no? No. I'm out of it. I'm out of it. I'd hate to have a blowjob. It would be rubbish. That would be you, that. Just like awkwardly, like bashfully.
Starting point is 00:24:46 Ha, ha, ha, as if it was a joke and then and then just realised like you can't even brag about that no you can't like you can't just be like turned down
Starting point is 00:24:54 a lucky bitch to be way feel like a cow turning a blowjob the other day so you just feel like you should have took it save me a job
Starting point is 00:24:59 like what yeah no I don't know how like I stopped like in nightclubs when I was Wait what? Yeah No I don't know how I stopped liking nightclubs When I was When I was fucking 27, 28 Anyway
Starting point is 00:25:11 I don't know if I could Go back into I much prefer a boozer Than a nightclub What Define the difference Sitting around chatting And dancing
Starting point is 00:25:20 And like Loud music Aye Like I kind of I kind of relied on like having something to say yeah yeah like oh my my chat like over me rhythm it wins every time yeah i was never gonna i've gotta express myself by moving me limbs i knew i knew i wasn't that attractive or at least i knew that like i wasn't attracted to one of my friends and I knew and I know what attractive is Jordan our friend beeps when we were he I mean he's
Starting point is 00:25:51 gorgeous now he's always been fucking gorgeous but I remember going into like nightclubs when I had like man even though my status now is celebrity is fucking zedless celebrity way back in the day it was like how they used to fucking name rows and cinemas that are massive affairs like i was triple zed celebrity no i didn't know who the fuck i was but i could still occasionally get laid off the back of it walking into night clubs with beeps and girls just going up to him and being like i'm sorry to do this but can i just kiss you like you're just the most handsome person and i'm just like man this is how easy it's getting late and all of us being around be like oh not at all i've got i've got a handful of mates
Starting point is 00:26:31 where the world just reacts to them like that hi hi hi the taverin yeah hi they never i occasionally had people who were like i've had people being like i'm gonna make my mission to fuck you and i'm like that's gonna be a short mission and a lot of dudes that way no man but i remember the first time i toured sweden was the first time like when i fully understood straight away the benefits of feminism which was just women coming up to you and i've talked about this at stage women being like what do i have to say to get you into bed and me being like that is literally all you have to fucking say and like from there there was not they would just take me back to either their place or we would go back to my hotel we would fuck for a bit and after we were
Starting point is 00:27:18 done fucking they'd be like all right should we go back to the club now should we go back and like hang out with all of our friends and stuff and I'm like can I have your number and they were like no because we've done the thing and I'm like is this
Starting point is 00:27:30 is this what feminism is is this because I'll tell everyone about this this is the test yeah now you're a big feminist when you get back home
Starting point is 00:27:38 this is what a feminist looks like no no just when I saw the like when you see when you see the benefits of councilism,
Starting point is 00:27:47 like, you don't care where they get it from sometimes. Like, you know. So you're, like, in feminism for the wrong reasons? Yeah. So many men. Oh, it's gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tinder feminist.
Starting point is 00:27:57 I started for the wrong reasons. Now I think, you know, I do it for the right reasons. Who was that guy that used to be a really outwardly feminist? I don't know, a Facebook Siegel or something, Doug Siegel.
Starting point is 00:28:10 Remember that name? Oh, oh my goodness. Creepy with his feminism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:14 Super, like, yeah, this is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And ironically,
Starting point is 00:28:18 this is what a feminist looks like. that always gives me the ick that I was like, someone needs to keep an eye on him, like, he's coming at it too strong
Starting point is 00:28:26 Luke Hagee's got the best line for them Which is Chair sniffing white knights That's 100% what he was Chair sniffing white knights Yeah I'd rather just be the The feminist that you'd look at
Starting point is 00:28:38 When you're actually like in trouble Or Like I I don't know if I'd like to I've been a feminist in the fucking in the black night when somebody's getting physically assaulted then I've been the feminist that
Starting point is 00:28:52 they needed but as far as fighting the cause I don't know if I've done much I don't think I've done fucking heaps but I think it's more like you're a better the way to do it isn't to be like I am it's for other people to point out that you are one while you do things.
Starting point is 00:29:06 Like, you should never be being like, I'm this. You know, I'm this. This is what I believe in. Why don't you do what you believe in, and I'll tell you. Why don't, through your actions, you do shit, and I'll tell you what you fucking believe in. If other people say I'm a feminist, then I'm a feminist. If I say I'm a feminist, then I'm not, if that makes sense.
Starting point is 00:29:22 Or at least, in some way, do you understand what I mean by that? Ah, yeah. It's like you should just be you should never want to be I always think that with like politicians you shouldn't want to be
Starting point is 00:29:31 prime minister you should just be prime like good enough to be I think I mean more in the sense of like the people that want to be I don't even trust them yeah
Starting point is 00:29:38 or it should be like politics should be like duty duty I think I just mean more in the sense of like regardless of if being a feminist is a good thing, you've got to understand what that word means to some people. And by claiming to be it,
Starting point is 00:29:51 you're sort of pitching yourself against people who, because there are people on the right who will be pro-Roman's rights and pro that stuff, but that's not what they see feminism as. So sometimes I guess it's important to not label yourself as something and then be it through your actions. You think you're a good feminist?
Starting point is 00:30:08 No, God, no, absolutely not. What can you improve? I could probably stop saying toots and sluts. Oh, no, no, no. How about a man? How about a man? I definitely use sex as that and I'm never getting rid of it.
Starting point is 00:30:22 And I'm never getting rid of it. Like, if that's your fucking sticking point, me being a feminist, then I'm not a fucking feminist. I'm never getting rid of it and I'm never getting rid of it like if that's your fucking sticking point of me being a feminist then I'm not fucking feminist I'm still calling
Starting point is 00:30:28 women bitches I'm still using the word cunt and that's because I'll call men bitches and I'll call men cunts if you want to extrapolate any
Starting point is 00:30:35 meaning from me using those words that isn't there on my part that's absolutely up to you and that's absolutely fine
Starting point is 00:30:41 I love sex words in the same way I love swear words I just like the way they sound I like the reaction I get sometimes doesn't come from
Starting point is 00:30:49 genuine improvement I could stop like in my head defaulting specific jobs to men uh huh like even when I do the
Starting point is 00:30:57 the vet lock the door and says can you suck my dick yeah I've just like instantly made the assumption that the vet's a man yeah like I think
Starting point is 00:31:04 I think that a lot with specific jobs I'll be like instantly made the assumption that Yvette's a man. Yeah. Like, I think that a lot with specific jobs, I'll be like, hey. I was, I was condescendingly proud of how well Cara parallel parked the other day.
Starting point is 00:31:13 But, I've got to tell you, it was unbelievable. Now, don't get me wrong, she used the cameras and stuff, so it's not, it's not real parallel parking.
Starting point is 00:31:20 But, fucking, she got into a tiny space. Like, a legit, we, like, I like i got in the car walked around it twice and it was so tight and i took like a real real good yeah and uh but if you would have been like yeah man in the same vein whenever natalie talks with knowledge about football like oh my god i am so proud. It's like, there wouldn't be that patronising pride if that was just me flatmate.
Starting point is 00:31:49 Yeah. I'd be probably arguing with my buddy's point instead of just like, oh, you have a point. It's the best. Yeah. Is that bad? No, well, it's not the worst. Whether, I'll never,
Starting point is 00:32:05 I'm not going to Be one of those men That Pretends that Women's football Is as good as Men's football It isn't
Starting point is 00:32:13 It isn't as good No It's the same as like SPL's not Like It's as good as Men's football Because that was
Starting point is 00:32:21 That was a conversation I had with My father-in-law When he was like I was chatting about The Women father-in-law was when he was like I was chatting about the Women's World Cup because it was on it was exciting
Starting point is 00:32:28 and fucking I mean England were doing well but not that he'd care Scottish but I was talking about it and he was like I haven't been watching it
Starting point is 00:32:36 like why would I not watch the best version of the thing it's not as good and like didn't have a point but he watches the SPL
Starting point is 00:32:45 and then like absolutely disarmed him when I was like you watch Scottish football like there's literally a qualifier in that that makes it slightly worse
Starting point is 00:32:52 than the football that's on your telly at the same time but it's a different game up here huh it's a different game it's more old school
Starting point is 00:33:00 aye I mean just watch the championship then it's like a proper league format instead of there's 12 teams and then it splits
Starting point is 00:33:09 into two divisions and then the play each other three more times or whatever the fuck happens and then the bottom team
Starting point is 00:33:13 doesn't even get relegated to play against the top team what a fucking stupid division man what a stupid
Starting point is 00:33:18 stupid league like if you just played a proper league in the format that everyone else plays a league you'd probably
Starting point is 00:33:23 attract better players no you can't expect Man Scotland's fucking tiny You're not getting fucking Man you have a fucking 20 person fucking league A 20 team league in Scotland
Starting point is 00:33:32 Fucking Two Glasgow teams And then we're going up to Fucking Brecon at this point I guess by the time you get The top teams Like the Something in your range
Starting point is 00:33:40 There's only six cities in Scotland Isn't there something like that? But you have got enough teams For one solid league But it would just be A massive gulf in standard like in your range there's only six cities in Scotland isn't there something like that but you have got enough teams for one solid league but it would just be a massive gulf in standard
Starting point is 00:33:49 I guess but like 12 teams but that is my point is that like he was definitely being sexist rather than
Starting point is 00:33:56 like rather than his valid point being valid because if his valid point was valid he wouldn't have watched SPL I don't know
Starting point is 00:34:03 talking to my father-in-law like he prefers the SPL just because it is it's like the old school type of football which is just blokes there's no
Starting point is 00:34:10 I mean only now is there fucking VAR but it was just like elbows in shoulders up men being fucking men like Italians didn't come over so I mean
Starting point is 00:34:19 diving wasn't as bad as it fucking could have been sort of shit like I think it's a bit of I mean I don't watch the SPL. I like...
Starting point is 00:34:27 If I'm watching Scottish football, I'm watching lower league Scottish football because it's so bad that it's funny and you can abuse the players' verbally and they can hear you. Yeah. That's the lower league. Have you seen that game of football?
Starting point is 00:34:40 I don't know if it was SPL. It might have been. It might have just been lower league in England where the the fan there wasn't enough fans behind the goal to fill every seat so there was like
Starting point is 00:34:49 25% of the seats were full and each of them got like a white arrow that they kept pointed towards the goal in whichever side
Starting point is 00:34:57 of the pitch the ball was at they all ran down the aisles with the arrow pointing at the goal so wherever they were they were pointing towards the net
Starting point is 00:35:04 you can have some good good fun at lower league football I'll watch Scotland's women whenever they're in
Starting point is 00:35:11 I would watch them as fun as they would go in the world cup but the second Scotland were out of the world cup unlike the men's
Starting point is 00:35:17 world cup I wouldn't watch the final of the women's world cup unless the blokes were in it and that's that's bad
Starting point is 00:35:23 feminism I guess which is by the way which I didn't that was the standard I didn't have I would always watch the chick Women's World Cup Unless the blokes were in it And that's That's bad feminism I guess Which is By the way Which I didn't That was the standard I didn't have I would always watch The Czech fucking
Starting point is 00:35:30 UFC fights Ronda Rousey was amazing For that Oh fucking Rose Namagunas Fucking And Misha Tate Misha Tate was fucking great
Starting point is 00:35:38 And then But Ronda Rousey Was like Absolute like The draw though Wasn't she Like You ended up
Starting point is 00:35:45 where you like she she had that level of celebrity as well as the talent like that made it like that you were excited
Starting point is 00:35:52 who was that fucking editor who beat Ronda Rousey was it it was Holly Holm Holly Holm and who was the Brazilian one that won
Starting point is 00:35:59 the one that was the double champion I can't believe I don't know her name Joanna Jurczyk she's not she's not she's not but Joanna was
Starting point is 00:36:06 fucking unbelievable yeah as far as that as far as that but that was for me I was when I was watching the fights
Starting point is 00:36:15 regularly and then they introduced it says Amanda Nunez and Holly Hall Amanda Nunez that's the name you're looking for I was the
Starting point is 00:36:23 like I mean I wasn't like vocally like oh what are women're looking for. I was the, like, I mean, I wasn't, like, vocally, like, oh, what are women doing in this sport? I was like, all right, I guess we have to, like, open the door. I mean, they had Inviticus at the time, so it was there to watch if you wanted to watch it. I mean, people were, but not on the level that they were watching UFC. And when it happened, I was like, all right, okay,
Starting point is 00:36:42 like, this is supposed to happen. I get it like we're paving the way but I shocked myself at how much I enjoyed the fights where I was like what the fuck
Starting point is 00:36:52 like because it was like they were fighting with something to prove as well they were fighting with the weight of that on their shoulders the weight
Starting point is 00:36:57 the fact that people are watching and like they feel probably living with a bit of imposter syndrome by like being there
Starting point is 00:37:03 also no women's fight has ever been as boring as any Benson Henderson fight. Nah. Like, man, we had fucking... And the whole of their agenda doesn't get put into this fucking sword when that happens. Benson Henderson's generation and fucking... Man, back when Mighty Mouse was champion,
Starting point is 00:37:18 I acknowledged that Mighty Mouse was clinically, in terms of what he was doing, one of the best. It was always the most boring, fucking shit, in the entire, just unwatchable, championship fights, which is,
Starting point is 00:37:31 oh. Hey, that's the headlight, that's the five rounder, is it? Yeah. Um, are you going to tune back in,
Starting point is 00:37:38 for 300? I haven't, I haven't watched that much, since we went to 200. No. I've watched the odd fight card, uh, since, since, that, that 2019, we went to 200. No. I've watched the odd fight card since, since that, that 2009,
Starting point is 00:37:48 you know, whatever it was. I would, the only time I go back is whoever I'd love to now see. I'm going to watch every Conor McGregor fight for the opposite reason. No, no one wants to see that fat coca get chinned. Get battered.
Starting point is 00:38:01 Aye. Like I, like I just, as somebody who's lost just shat on his own legacy while building it not even years after
Starting point is 00:38:10 normally it's like your hero does everything retires come back 20 years later you're like oh man he's doing that ad for it
Starting point is 00:38:17 now I fucking hate him Conor McGregor you turned on his own career and was like I'm gonna start disappointing you all way faster
Starting point is 00:38:25 and way quicker he had something so special it was amazing he was the fucking Tyson or the Muhammad Ali of our generation for a bit
Starting point is 00:38:32 like he just especially when he was like you know when he was a skinhead kid that used to like just be like fucking mad talking shit
Starting point is 00:38:39 in the interviews with Cage Warriors and then he had his first UFC fight and Raul tuning in was it Ben Brimmage
Starting point is 00:38:44 Marcus Brimmage and Raul tuning in on that and he fucking dispatches him and like every fight is getting bigger and bigger and he keeps fucking winning and you're just there going this isn't gonna stop when he reaches the top and you're like this is fucking unbelievable it's generational we'll get to watch it happen we'll talk about it like in generations to come we'll be talking about being there when this happened. And then he just shat all over himself. Yeah. Just fucking got into coke and then just stank.
Starting point is 00:39:13 Oh, his chat was shite. And you were like, was it ever good? Did I fall for it? Was it a con? Because I know there was people who hated him all the way through his rise, and I never got it. I always thought they were being contrarian. and then they were totally vindicated when he turned out to be an ultra prick all right it's a big fucking thick stupid cunt guys i'm devastated
Starting point is 00:39:35 remember he left you an answer phone message it was like giddy absolutely giddy i'll fucking kill you you little fuck I heard you Tacking shit on the podcast I'm just Dead excited by it You got any points? Yeah I've got points on the license I think
Starting point is 00:39:56 I've also got there was only three Charities that I could see In the discord There was Penumbra which is a mental health one that one of the patrons helped them out during that time there's the trussell trust which does like food banks and stuff yeah and then there's the north edinburgh arts which just does like general charity work but also tries to give back stuff great so we've got we've got three in there and then i mean for how much the money is,
Starting point is 00:40:25 we'll probably just pick one, right? Sorry? For what the money is, like 207 quid, we'll pick one of them rather than between the three. Aye. Did any of them stand out for you? My, like, the mental health one's fine. Mental health one?
Starting point is 00:40:39 Aye. Yeah, okay. So what's it called? Penumbra. Penumbra. Okay, so I'll get in touch with Penumbra I'll donate them the money
Starting point is 00:40:47 I think it was 200 somewhere between 230, 250 quid I'll send that over to them and let you all know when that's done thank you
Starting point is 00:40:55 for subscribing and it's good to put your money to a good cause I'll do a lot more research and awareness on the actual cause itself as well
Starting point is 00:41:01 you do this but as a joke the leg with muggle corner doing it ironically is still doing it yeah awareness on the actual cause itself as well um you do this but as a joke but like like with muggle corner doing it ironically is still doing it yeah using the neighboring urinal when there's other urinals available points on that for the absolute lack of spatial awareness man's got his cock out you're still there having a piss right you don't need to brush shoulders with him when you're doing it you don't need to stand right next to the guy it is very funny when you do it
Starting point is 00:41:27 the same as it's funny when you fart in the lift it doesn't mean that you're not getting points I'm not doing it to strangers I'm doing it to you you're doing it when you now you're going to get points on your licence but you're doing it anyway you're accepting the points on your licence right the pissing
Starting point is 00:41:42 right you get one point for doing it, right? And once you reach three points... No, not even. Not even. I'm going to redo the punishment on this. Once you've got a single point for doing that, you have to queue for a cubicle for the next three pisses to get the point off your license.
Starting point is 00:42:02 That's your speed awareness course. You're waiting for that guy to finish his shit before you have a piss. I mean, I don't do, I'm not, it's important clarification.
Starting point is 00:42:13 I don't do this to strangers. It's just something I enjoy doing to you in public toilets. Or friends. Just friends. It's a funny thing to think. And you're laughing when you do it. It is funny.
Starting point is 00:42:22 Because, you know, I wrote this down because someone just did it like in an airport right now i'm having a piss and someone just come and just like filed in next to us and there's like there's room today i i don't know how he wasn't feeling what i would feel if i did that it's so rude it's so rude women will never understand it but like it's just it's it's it's it's an internal cueing system that is logically a place where you piss and a place where you don't piss.
Starting point is 00:42:47 And when men violate it, it makes you want to get a little bit violent, be like, what the fuck, man? Just push him out and the next one, he pisses on his feet a little bit. Get out of there, man. There's fucking plenty of room where you stand next to me pissing for.
Starting point is 00:42:58 Nonsense. Loads of room. And he's like, you know, even if it's fucking rammed in the toilet, I'll fucking be happy if someone squeezes in between me and that guy if there's a massive queue and we're all pissing it's the fact that why the fuck are we like near touching each other when we don't need to be like if there was man if there's if there's if there's pissers at music festivals again shoulder to shoulder if it's that one when it's in the middle and you're all pissing at facing
Starting point is 00:43:22 each other i've got no problem with there being 30 men around that if 30 men are needing to be and that's why we have to be close together we've got no problem being close to someone
Starting point is 00:43:30 if we physically have to be for it to be a conscious choice for you to choose there to be less distance than necessary between us
Starting point is 00:43:39 is aye points for that aye you know what you're the type of men women are scared of because you
Starting point is 00:43:47 clearly don't understand personal space rules like you're the ones that aren't aware that you're walking just slightly faster behind them at midnight
Starting point is 00:43:55 listening to your headphones with your hood up not being aware that you look fucking mental there's something not switched on you're feeling the things
Starting point is 00:44:03 that everyone devoid of empathy devoid of empathy everybody else feels this thing that tells them that like it's just off it's just skew
Starting point is 00:44:10 if this is a bit skew if remedy it like he's not getting the same emotion that I get if I was to do a thing like
Starting point is 00:44:16 that need to kill him buying a tabloid one point oh yeah just if you earnestly you're allowed to
Starting point is 00:44:24 read tabloids if it's been left on a train or if it's been left on public transport and it's all there is to yeah absolutely and uh the celebrity side of this providing an interview for the tabloid doing an interview for the sun uh or the fucking daily exposure in this doing an actual sit down interview with one of their Air quote journalists Three points Call them Don't
Starting point is 00:44:48 Stop contributing To the death of information Aye The red top rags Yeah Yeah Aye Have a fuck out
Starting point is 00:44:55 Of the day with them Just like They haven't been A part of my life Since like I'm gonna say Like staff room Of the airport
Starting point is 00:45:04 When I worked In the airport And you'd like Flick of the airport when I worked in the airport and you'd like flick through the sports pages get angry at whatever they were telling you to be angry at and then fucking do
Starting point is 00:45:10 the super easy crossword and then that would be like that would be in the staff room you're paying to lose your right to vote every fucking tabloid you get gets one
Starting point is 00:45:18 I'm like man you're not you're not getting information you're not you're not receiving news so you don't actually know what's going on in the world oh you know
Starting point is 00:45:25 remember when I done the news for dummies and I would go and buy a handful of papers and flick through the stories and then write a joke on different news stories I did
Starting point is 00:45:31 I did for a good like six months to a year buy them every day a handful of them so I actually they were
Starting point is 00:45:40 part of my life and points in my mid-twenties points for that yep fair fucks I'll take my points Actually, they were part of my life in my mid-20s. Points for that. Fair fucks. I'll take my points.
Starting point is 00:45:52 Hopefully, they're off my license now since the last time I bought one. Because I've done one that you do, I thought I'd do one that I do. People that steal lighters. Get home and you've got someone else's lighter in your pocket. Dear. I'm not lying here. I've got a drawer full of lighters. Get home and you've got someone else's lighter in your pocket. Dear. I'm not lying here. I've got a drawer full of lighters. Ask us if I bought any of them.
Starting point is 00:46:13 Did you buy any of your lighters? I nicked all of them, Daniel. I fucking stole them. I didn't mean to steal them. I didn't mean to steal them, right? But count them into a fucking bag and charge us a pint for every fucking one of them. And I'm not allowed to have, I've got to have matches. That's my punishment.
Starting point is 00:46:29 Aye, that's fair, man. You are a lighter thief. Now, not as a smoker. I occasionally, I've absolutely accidentally pocketed fucking lighters because I'm somebody who smokes a lot of fucking weed. But I'm always, I will chase people down,
Starting point is 00:46:43 be like, I'm very sorry, I gave you this or I always try to make sure I keep it in my hand and give it back people like you are scum because you know what man when I
Starting point is 00:46:51 the amount of times I've been back at my fucking hotel and I've not had a lighter because somebody has lighter fucking somebody exactly who it was it is you
Starting point is 00:47:01 because here's something as well right like with with cigarettes right if you're in my company my cigarettes are your cigarettes yeah but if you get it
Starting point is 00:47:08 drag yours are mine right fucking cigarettes to me it's not been crisp packing on the table and I'm fucking I am
Starting point is 00:47:15 I've nicked a few but I tell you what I am not in debt yeah I am fucking one for one for every cigarette I've took I've given one away yeah
Starting point is 00:47:22 right and I say that it's not the same as you need your lighter give away a cigarette you've got another you need your lighter give away a cigarette you've got another cigarette in your pocket give away a lighter
Starting point is 00:47:27 you're looking for a lighter yeah I cruel thing to do people uh huh it's a good one it's very honest of you yeah
Starting point is 00:47:35 I just I don't I don't know how I'm ever going to fix it shitting in the communal toilet and this could be anywhere
Starting point is 00:47:46 like whether you live with your friends whether you're in like a hotel whether you're in a camper van whether you're in a there is a place like there is standard etiquette of especially when we've got fucking guests around and stuff being like there's a pissing bathroom and we all know this is the pissing bathroom because it's the bathroom
Starting point is 00:48:02 that's closest to where everyone's going to be at all times right whether this is a day long thing whether this is the pissing bathroom because it's the bathroom that's closest to where everyone's going to be at all times, right? Whether this is a day-long thing, whether this is a weekend thing, whether this is a two-week thing. They come by van at a festival. You're having a shit in the fucking toilet. There are places to shit
Starting point is 00:48:14 and there are places to piss. Shitting in a place, in a toilet. Oh, but it's a toilet. Fuck off, man. We're adults.
Starting point is 00:48:24 Don't stop using this fucking Joe Rogan thing fuck off man we're adults don't stop using this fucking Joe Rogan thing of like we're all monkeys at the end of the day we're all fucking monkeys we created society and we've been to the moon
Starting point is 00:48:31 right yeah shit stinks yeah yeah yeah we created society and also we created society 6,000 years ago so it's not
Starting point is 00:48:39 it's not it's new in terms of like evolution but catch up we just have higher standards for each other now. Stop shitting in the places that we agree not to. I was, even when I was in Portugal with Natalie last summer,
Starting point is 00:48:53 I was using the lobby toilet to have a shade at the hotel. Man, during the day, I'm allowed to shit in our en suite because it's during the fucking day, car is downstairs. If I want to shit at night time shit in one of the other toilets Daniel yeah like that
Starting point is 00:49:07 that's right beside it's the communal toilet at that point backstage where the the toilets like attached to the green room yeah like ones where I think it's okay
Starting point is 00:49:17 is like the Edinburgh stand when it's kind of round the corner and it's still in the same space but it's like back there but you know like the Glasgow Glee which I think I have
Starting point is 00:49:28 had a shit in before by the way so point no you shat the communion one at the London Palladium you bastard in the green room one
Starting point is 00:49:34 I know but that was also in a separate room yeah it didn't help it's when the door opens into the room that's the problem like yours it was room
Starting point is 00:49:42 room toilet no no no it's not just that no no no you can't shit in the toilet that everyone's going to go into pissing that's what you're doing i thought you were doing like the door opens into the communal space the door from the shit toilet opens in the communal space no the door opens in the ambient random room that you're not using vestibule area if you're shitting in the toilet that everyone there's only one
Starting point is 00:50:06 toilet most people are pissing we're all pissing like would I would I shit on a train toilet where it's in the
Starting point is 00:50:11 vestibule area yes would I shit in a bus toilet where it opens into the fucking cabin of the bus no
Starting point is 00:50:16 it's the if there's a room to catch the smell that's where you can shit that's what I think with public toilets i don't think you're allowed to shit in there if people you can't make people smell shit when they need to go for a piss yeah i don't think you're going to the toilet it's a toilet not at somebody's houses like not when
Starting point is 00:50:43 there's other houses the one that is for it on a train should i somebody's houses like not when there's other houses on a train should I get okay that's the only option if you're saying a downstairs toilet it's a pissing toilet I'll go and
Starting point is 00:50:51 shite in that one because it opens up into like a boxed off passage no you've got to be shitting in Colin's room
Starting point is 00:50:56 is that right I think you're like one one stage more Nazi than me about shitting yeah I am yeah I think
Starting point is 00:51:04 it's I think that that only counts if you're opening it up into the into the room where people are socialising I just you think
Starting point is 00:51:14 you think if somebody's going to go for a piss and you've had a shite in there I think if I'm if I'm at somebody's house and they're throwing a party
Starting point is 00:51:21 right and we're all in one room and there's a toilet there if I'm going to shit I will ask them where a second toilet is I'll be like can I use your toilet and they're like a party, right? And we're all in one room and there's a toilet there. If I'm going to shit, I will ask them where a second toilet is. I'll be like, can I use your toilet? They're like, yeah, just right there. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know I should have done this on my own time,
Starting point is 00:51:32 but you served me coffee. I'm going to spit on you because you're in there for shit. Yeah, I don't want to shit in the one that we're all using to piss in. Can I go use... Fair enough. I'll use an outside toilet. Yeah, that's an extra level of conscientious. I don't think you force that moral on everybody else okay okay but I do agree
Starting point is 00:51:49 but we're allowing there I do agree with you if you like like you say green room toilet that opens straight into the green room or something like that or like a motorhome yeah like you're all sharing the same space to play board games do coke and drink booze yeah and then somebody has a shite in that one that's a fucking perfectly good. Yeah. Public toilet. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:10 Yeah. I think that, I think that. Okay. 100%. Like none of us will be shitting on the tour bus. No. No.
Starting point is 00:52:17 Well, maybe Cale in, but he's got to lose points. He's got to get points on his license every time. The punishment would be No more toilet paper No more toilet paper for you Yeah no more toilet paper
Starting point is 00:52:30 You lose a bunch of toilet paper Yeah why should we deal with your stink If you don't have to deal with it You have to carry it around with you Do you have any dad jokes? I've got four Oh I've also got another point Go on then let's do that
Starting point is 00:52:44 Three points Serious one this. Mocking someone's laugh. Now, there are exceptions. If you're losing an argument with a relative, and it's basically... Yeah, absolutely. You're allowed to mock your sibling's laughs.
Starting point is 00:53:04 Absolutely. You're allowed to mock your... laughs absolutely you're allowed to mock that's a crucial if someone's laughing at something that you don't find funny you can do a pretend
Starting point is 00:53:09 laugh to like yeah yeah disarm them of what they've just laughed at funny that was it yeah yeah yeah and again that's more mocking
Starting point is 00:53:17 what they're laughing at if you're making fun of somebody's laugh it's cruel oh how they express joy is it cruelty though to like make them
Starting point is 00:53:25 self conscious in their moments of utter vulnerability that's not I'll often compliment a bad laugh at a gig if someone does
Starting point is 00:53:33 like an out of sequence or a seal laugh or something that'll go good laugh like you said to the fart in the game like good arse
Starting point is 00:53:39 that's a nice one yeah I mean I've had some ex-girlfriends with some of the most blood cardling laughs
Starting point is 00:53:53 like I'll never mention their names and I would never tell them that their laughs were awful because I always told them that they had beautiful laughs because then you get points on your licence and it's all again just a fucking Jesus fucking Christ
Starting point is 00:54:08 like one of those I was like I couldn't be in a I can't be in a relationship with you if that's the noise you make when I bring you joy oh boy
Starting point is 00:54:15 it would be a shame of a deal breaker oh the worst yeah yeah I wonder if you could like tune it to be something that you liked I don't know enough
Starting point is 00:54:22 like it's a subjectivity so you objectively do it where like if that's the person you love and that's how they sound when they're happy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Would you be able to tune your brain rather than? Well, it's like any time you see a couple, they're like, oh, my God, I fucking hate the way he breathes. And you're like, oh, break up.
Starting point is 00:54:38 Yeah, that's not. Like if you're paying attention to like. That's not his breathing that you hear. That's his soul. Yeah, that's not he's breathing that you hear that's his soul yeah that's his soul did you hear about Jimmy Carr
Starting point is 00:54:50 in Nick Helms show yes where he does the like because he like breathes in laughs inwardly
Starting point is 00:54:56 doesn't he yeah like that and then Jimmy Carr did that in Nick Helms show and Nick just went Jimmy come on
Starting point is 00:55:02 I don't come to your show and laugh very funny eh card did that and Nick held Sean and Nick just went Jimmy come on, I don't come to your show and laugh Your dad put schnooze under his eyelids Your dad goes outside to schnooze Two's, dad's two's on a schnooze Your dad kitzies Your dad's D&D character
Starting point is 00:55:25 Is just him with a bigger dick Your dad once took you into bed so tight You had to call the fire brigade to come cut you out Your dad's got a schlort Schlort Schlort Schlort Schlort So it was schlong Schlong Short and short I wrote these a while ago
Starting point is 00:55:49 Now I can't read them Your dad was curled up Licking his armpits Clean like a cat Totally oblivious At the foot of your hospital bed When you were born Your dad thinks queefs
Starting point is 00:56:01 Are the ghosts of miscarriages I can get by that notion Fucking hell Jesus Christ it's haunted And you know it Your dad thinks queefs are the ghosts of miscarriages. I can get by with that notion. Fucking hell, Jesus Christ is haunted in here, isn't he? Look at that, the ectoplasm coming at you, pussy. Your dad popped a spot in his nose and the rest of his acne went off like a Chinese firecracker. I convinced your dad that I got a BDE From the king
Starting point is 00:56:25 What's a BDE? Big Dick Energy That's all I've got for you mate Aye That's all I've got for you Nope Got any more? Is that you done?
Starting point is 00:56:38 I think that's the podcast done Aye Thanks for tuning in Thanks for being here With us in this room With us in this room with us in your ears talking in your ears
Starting point is 00:56:47 while you laugh on a bus that's you that yeah these people are on buses I'm talking directly to you you that's been
Starting point is 00:56:54 laughing on the bus everybody else is tuned out now it's just me and Eno fart I don't care I don't care if you don't need to fart
Starting point is 00:57:02 try try and fart this is how like insane people end up on buses You just hear this voice in their head Follow through Have a shite in your pants on the bus You know it's actually physically impossible to shit yourself After the age of 6
Starting point is 00:57:17 Part of your brain just develops it It's absolutely impossible to shit yourself It's only through brain cancer and turning old That that part deteriorates If you are between the age of 7 and 45 i'm telling you right now it is impossible to shit yourself no matter how hard you try you better fucking believe every word i say when i tell you i've pissed my pants because of someone doing that to me but pissing their pants 2012 and dora drunk as fuck being on the ye, and we were all deciding that you can't piss yourself for that reason,
Starting point is 00:57:47 and fucking me and Cubby, one of the lads, Cubby, really just fucking meditated on it, and the pair would just start pissing my pants at the exact same time, and the pills come out, and the rest of the boys are laughing, mother fucker,
Starting point is 00:57:57 it froze on the walk home, it froze, I'm up in the fucking Alps, and it fucking went rock solid, white piss patch on the front of my jeans You not having anything to change into? I was heading home Getting to them Getting to bed
Starting point is 00:58:16 The night's ended there That's not the beginning of the night I haven't got a bunch of dancing more to do After I succumbed to pissing myself with the PR pressure were you able to stop pissing halfway through or did you just fully commit I'll just make this real finish it then that's not what we're trying to achieve
Starting point is 00:58:33 yeah I mean once you've pissed your pants walking home in less pissy pants isn't going to make too much of a difference get out of the toilet and fucking get in your cock and get your wet trousers just to finish it off with some kind of moral line in the sand
Starting point is 00:58:47 that you have it's only if you piss yourself a little bit yeah we'll full on piss your pants it was a good night actually
Starting point is 00:58:53 one of the best good night to something dead like that yeah still tired but it knew 12 years later I'm sure Cubby's not
Starting point is 00:59:01 oh yeah he didn't live he's dead he's not he's not. Oh, yeah, he didn't live. He's dead, him. He's not. He's not dead. All right. Well, see you later, kids.
Starting point is 00:59:11 Bye.

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