Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Poo Psychic

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Cream talks us through his most recent in house bar crawl and Caelan's first beach experience, while Muggins comes clean about his recent spree of cold blooded road rage. You will also find out about the game Poo Psychic.

Hello podcast listeners and viewers. Thank you very much for joining in another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. As always, we do appreciate your support and your incredibly low standards for some of the banter that we pass off as humour. Believe it or not, we are successful comedians. In this week's episode,

we speak about road rage and all our different types of road rage. But we try to be less positive towards i think there's actually some really good self-reflection on toxic masculinity in here and about how we could better ourselves but that is sandwiched in the middle of toxic masculinity so it's kind of like putting the cure for cancer in a tumor in a a way. Let's see who wins. We discussed heaps of other shit on the podcast as we always do but we're now it feels less dead air.

Your dad jokes are back. It's a good episode. They're all in there. I remember as always if you like this shit, share us on socials. We're sharing stuff on Instagram now and Reels. If you want to share that stuff it will help more people come to the podcast and then we'll neglect you further uh you can come up to shows and be like i'm an og and we'll be like you do have some respect but we're

making bank now so just just help us become cooler to you thanks to our success sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Uh, well, I mean, hello.

Have you been enjoying the summer? Is that how you're going to start? I was about to dive in, Gany. Have you been enjoying the nice weather? And you were like, um, guys, I've had an epiphany. Hello. Yeah, well, I mean, I thought I was going to explain a bunch of things at the top. And then I was like, the worst place to do.

And here's all the technical updates is probably at the end. Oh, actually, we've got a live podcast at the Fringe. And Molly and I was like, could you plug it in the beginning when people are still listening? Are you seeing people tune out from our banter? I think they do towards the end because we do say goodbye and then continue for a further two to ten minutes

that's why it was good to have the dad jokes because people will hang around for the dad jokes well guess what motherfuckers

they're back did you rate us I did yeah sweet because you went for a shit and I was like we might as well

rate dad jokes so back to the point are you enjoying your Scottish summer it's like fucking marmors out there it really is we went down to Portobello So back to the point Are you enjoying your Scottish summer? It's like fucking Marmaris out there It really is We went down to Portobello Beach in Edinburgh

Which is the name of a place Which doesn't sound like it belongs in Edinburgh That sounds way more exotic than it usually is Portobello I'm off to Portobello It's just every time we go down there On the beach You smell weed And you're just like

Right So this is the fun part Is it where Portobello mushrooms are from? No Like I can't I don't know that for certain But

Definitely not Probably not Is that not where you get Your Leith Leith courgettes No There's

Your Morningside potatoes That does sound right Morningside potatoes Morningside potatoes that does sound right morningside potatoes morningside potatoes does sound right it's a decent beach so we took

Caelan down there because it was hot and we're like we'll let you feel sand for the first time has he been to the beach before no it was his first time did people come and start

putting wet towels on him that the fuck just a wee beached whale you just kept trying to throw him back in he can't swim yet he's been practising he's he's not beyond the stage but

you realise how obviously babies are stupid that's not groundbreaking information especially this one but in their first 3-4 months of life their number one form of discovery is mouth. Everything's discovered. What's this? I'll put it in my mouth and that's how I find out what it is.

Because I guess maybe that's... Is that the oral phase and then the anal phase? Is this all Freudian linked? It's like you get stuck in a phase. What is the anal phase of babies? Anal. Like everything's obsessed with bum

obsessed with pooping and pooing right so my confusion I said the mouth phase

is when they discover things through their mouth your mind is in the gutter Daniel the anal phase you sexualised your four month old child

you were suggesting that the way my son discovers things at some point people are like well I guess I'll shove it up my ass and see what you were suggesting that the way my son discovers things at some point we'll be like well I guess I'll shove it up my ass and see what

yeah that's a dice yeah that's two of them 20 sided no so he's discovering everything which is obviously a danger which is why you don't let them near things

because they go what's this thing I'll put it in my mouth and it's an electrical cable and they die or it's a knife and they just ram it in their face

but there is now he's sort of he knows what his hands are electrical cable and they die or it's a knife and they just ram it in their face. But there is now, he knows what his hands are and he knows what his feet are. Now his feet are nothing other than just, let's also put this in my mouth. It's something else to discover. Aye. It's not a tool of discovery. But if you put his tiny little stupid feet in grass or sand, he touches it with his feet and you can just see him like not understanding what's going on because his hand feels it yeah this might feel nothing he's getting a new memo from a

different source a new story and i mean it's just the only thing you can see going on in the mind is you want there to be some sort of like oh my god he's learning that this is the beach and he's enjoying being relaxing whereas what's actually going on he's just like how do i get a handful of that and shove it directly in my fucking mouth i'd let like how do I get a handful of that and shove it directly in my fucking mouth let him find out the hard way

of that well I mean that's what Cara was obviously they covered suntan lotion and that was his fucking rank

he's like how's this a nice day out for me you put sunscreen on his feet and then you put him in the sand and he puts his feet

in the sand and then you put him down and you have your sandwich and you turn around and he's just sucking sand off of his toes and you're your sandwich and you turn around and he's just sucking sand off of his toes

and you're like well if that's what you want man yeah alright I mean I guess you'll learn that sand I wonder if he'll have sandy shit

oh will it come at the other end or is it so small that those are obviously pebbles if you do a pebble comes out the other end but is sand so small

that it's enough for the stomach to digest what is it just going to be when will we find out what's the do you know what the rotation is on eat the shit

no we can't because it's not it just all comes out let's go and feed him a penny well let's go and feed him a penny now and then we'll start a stopwatch did you not hear about

our bar crawl the other week I was away I was on hold I was hoping you'd fill us in on the podcast obviously we're too busy talking about me so go on

now's your time so obviously during the lockdowns we decided to start doing bar crawls which was each guest each member of the house

would have a room and you'd have an hour for it to be your bar it could be of anything it has to involve a drink of some sort it can can involve a game, at least one of them has to involve food, just because we learned very early doors that if one of these doesn't involve food, you just end up black and drunk.

There's so much fun but often you never reach the last bar. You never made your bar on the last bar crawl! Everyone was dead! You were dead! You were the one that went to bed! Nooo, I'm not having were the one that went to bed no yeah I'm not having that you put Carrot to bed

I've put Carrot to bed on many a bar crawl but I was awake to see that yeah but your bar still needed to take place

anyway both of you tapped out heinous mouths so we did a bar crawl last week and the first one was

Eric and Jean was their first one they've been following on the socials so they were excited to do their one and they did a really good one which was a blind

restaurant sort of thing like you know those blind tasting so like a restaurant in the dark but did you just do it like pitch black

or did you do it blindfolded blindfolded kept it dark couldn't see anything but the problem Eric and Jean came to

was that Cara is obviously the pickiest eater in the entire world and if you add loss of sight to that she's not going to try yeah she is not

the best audience for something as like so she like even stuff that she liked she's already going to be pre-empted

and that it's going to be gross yeah she doesn't want anything gross in her life so the first one was dough balls which was great this is easy So even stuff that she liked, she's already going to be pre-empting that it's going to be gross. Yeah. She doesn't want anything gross on her mouth. So the first one was dough balls, which was great. This is easy. I know what dough balls are. So they're reading the room. They're like, all right, we're not going to get straight in with some fucking anchovies or something like that.

Yeah. They were good. If Cara hadn't been there, they probably would have gone further out. But Cara just wouldn't have done the things. And they were like, let's. So it was like, what they called it was a mouth of a doorbell just like oh my god oh it's gonna be close

oh it's spiders yeah well I mean I guess yeah we wanted to just make sure because she's the one she's the smallest she has to eat

so you have to make sure the food's edible and they still fucked up because they were like what is Cara like and like just think of the most basic things in the world

a child chicken dinosaurs yep smiley faces chicken drumsticks um just what does Cara like? And I'm like, just think of the most basic things in the world. A child. Chicken dinosaurs. Yep. Smiley faces. Chicken drumsticks. Just beans on toast, that sort of stuff.

And they're like, does she like macaroni and cheese? And I'm like, she loves macaroni and cheese. And they're like, why else? I'm like, she loves spicy food.

So, got my blindfold on, put my fork down, put it in my mouth. And, I couldn't understand their logic, but, they put Tabasco sauce in macaroni and uh i couldn't understand their logic but they put tabasco sauce in macaroni and cheese oh okay right so i enjoyed it i thought it was really really nice

cara was like what the fuck have you done and they were like we put two and two together and it's like and you made seven i actually wasn't a fan of that no oh well i think that would be all right it was good but like also you'd be all right if you know what's coming. Yeah, yeah. I managed to scoff all. Everyone else managed to eat it. We're fine. We moved on to the next bar, which was a 90s children's birthday party.

So, pass the parcel, slushy vodka drinks. Yeah. We played... Seven Minutes in Heaven. We played Musical pillows Which is like musical chairs But there's a pillow

Pillows in the middle And you've just got to be The one that ends up With a pillow There's less pillows Than there are people When the music's off Get one

Spin the bottle One of our friends Who is Of the pregnant variety Oh She Or he Is Or he Or they

Or they Oh fuck these Fuck I forgot about these What fuck these Yeah fuck them You know what fuck them That was a bit I used to do On Twitch for ages

Which was like Hello ladies and gentlemen Or both Never neither Never neither It's just like That's the one line In the staff I draw

If I go Hey or she Probably hey Or is it mumble, probably hey. Playing with a pregnant woman, she stayed in that game too long. Like, there was points where it was friendly at first, and then it got down to three toxic men and a pregnant woman,

and we had to be like, you have to... And hold on, what were the rules of the game? So you all walk around a big circle, around a pile of pillows. There's seven of you. There's six pillows. Music stops. Grab a pillow.

Person without a pillow, you're out of the fucking game. Yeah. We get down to four. Three toxic men, one pregnant lady. And all the toxic men are being like, our toxicity won't stop me. You've still got a tooth missing from the sock game. And you're like, you want to go toe toto-toe with me all right so we just had to like three men move her out of the game because we're like the next round is going to be is it

going to involve punches and kicks you have to leave and not from your insight um then we moved on to me and cara's bar now cara says i took it too far and I changed the rules before we went in. We did it in Caelan's room. And the original idea was everyone comes up in their capos and they draw a bit of paper. And you either end up being the parent or the baby. And if you're a baby, you have to put big adult diapers on above your clothes. And you're not allowed to drink anything. And you're not allowed to drink anything and you're not to give yourself any juice but what there is the parents have is a bottle of either like Kahlua, Baileys, Pina Colada

and if you want booze you have to cry you have to cry imagine at that moment someone doxxed you imagine in that moment the police police just busted and just saw you and you're happy going, well. Well, well. You just go, aye. Lock us up. Chuck away the key. So that was the original plan until when I was, when we got there,

everyone that was there, I looked at all the boys involved and I was like, I know all these blokes and every one of them will commit to the bet if i leave the charge i just got i'm like just make it the boys so to the boys upstairs i was like we're all babies get your clothes off and they fully got down to their underwear we put the uh adult diapers on and then the parents come into the room we're all crying there and we just look like giant babies and we all laugh for about two minutes and then 45 minutes in we're literally four grown men crying fake it till you make it oh you're like actually you're simulating tears at first by the end you really were hungry yeah yeah oh yeah and it got and we felt uncomfortable

there's times we're like this is like actually oh yeah and it got we felt uncomfortable there were times where we were like this is like actually people's fetishes that we're doing like at one point it was like at the start it was like this is going to be

a fun bar to do and then by the end of it it was like well we just wanted it to be like an innocent toe sucking bar and then some people got really into it

Cullen's ankle deep did he actually shit his self he's actually had him getting changed well so the fact Cullen's ankle deep did he actually shit his self he's actually had him getting changed well Cullen's got his willy out

Cullen's got his willy out scream and shout scream and shout Cullen's got his willy out I mean if Cullen did have his willy out

you would have to scream and shout scream shout run the final game in ours was we had five nappies that I filled with different types

of chocolate pudding and different chocolate buttons and mini curly whirlies and stuff and then put a penny in one of them. And we're like, look, one of the babies has swallowed a penny. You've got to find it. So we went through. By the end of that bar, we were... Shit-faced.

Shit-faced because we were so ashamed. Like the men, the babies definitely came out of it more drunk. We toddled our way downstairs. Well, the mums just tutting, just sharing advice. Oh, so for the mums, obviously we had, we just had like standard glasses of wine

and we were just like, and you've just, every time you drink, you have to say it's five o'clock somewhere. Called it mummy juice. And then the final bar was a chocolate bar

chocolate bar so chocolate like a pairing with with like cocktail chocolates that was like we had to guess

what the cocktail was ah like gourmet chocolates yeah and was it was that not one I feel like that's one

that you should have done early doors when you had a bit more of a sophisticated palate. Yes. The rule is, like, drink the expensive whiskey at the start of the night and pull the cheap stuff at the end. It sounds like...

Yeah. Look, I like a good creamy drink every now and then. Did you just self-promote? Did you just look dead into the camera and go, cream drink? I like a mugginsy drink, personally. Yeah, yeah. But drink muggins responsibly drink muggins under the table if you know what i mean it's very easy actually well i like i like a creamy drink as much as the next patreon listener am i in the truman show i feel. Am I in the Truman Show?

I feel like I'm in the Truman Show. But if you've just come from a bar where all you've drank is pina colada from a bottle and then your 20th drink of the night, they're like, here's a really creamy drink. You're like, I don't... I'm curdling. I can feel my insides making cheese right now.

And it's... I remember in aides Making cheese right now And it's I remember You know Rick It's in Convery You know Convery Right so Those two My friends

Went and got high with them After a gig I think he'd went home It was one of the last gigs Of the tour In like 2011 or something Remember you went back With your parents

Oh yeah It was Darlington Darlington And the backstage Was fucking disgusting That was the end of Our second ever 65 day tour I'm assuming you went back with your parents. Oh, yeah. It was Darlington. Darlington, hi. Darlington. And the backstage was fucking disgusting. That was the end of our second ever 65-day tour. But it was all in a row. And not as emotionally done as we've been in more recent tours. Oh, no, but at the time, back then, that was baby steps compared to what we've done.

But at the time, we had nothing to compare to. It was tough for them. It was tough for them. And at the end, right, I went back and got high with those two, right? And then there's like, while we're stoned, got the munchies, Convery just has this epiphany where he's just like, I've been to the sweet shop. You've been to some fucking sweet shop and you've got like an actual fucking,

you know, and you get the actual full thing of your sweets. You know what it was? It was that chocolate dust. Oh! Right? And we're just there, just fucking handfuls of chocolate dust, right?

And then Rick was like, you know what, can I class with this? A glass of milk, right? We're drinking milk and eating chocolate dust, right?

And after about an hour, and then what, fucking Santa turned up and was like, what the fuck is going on here? And right after an hour, we're bloated the fuck. We're just there,

our tummies were like fucking swollen out, the fray away. We're just like, the night was over. We're like, look at the fray, we've got dicky tummies. We just stood up, because we couldn't sit down.

We're like, fucking necks are hurting and that. We're like, I've got a dicky tummy. So what you're saying is, what you could have done with that point is perhaps a parental figure to burp you. So what you were saying is What you could have done With that point Is perhaps A parental figure To burp you Oh that's what

Pick you up Pat you back A little bit That's it Them moments where like I just need Natalie to run Going You didn't want to do that

I know you think it's fun Because your friends are saying It's going to be fun But Like I'm out of here Going fucking hell Going cracking the whip But like

If she's not there I'm just there with a dicky tummy i'm throwing me nights ruined i always like the if there's any times that i get like particularly stoned in the evening like me and colorist end up playing some fifa and i've just not eaten properly during the day and my body just goes you're starving and all i do is just eat fucking sweets and fucking leftover and you get really you just eat so much and fucking leftovers. And you get really, you just eat so much because whatever happens when you're stoned, your body just is like, there's heaps more room.

Keep going. Like, I'll move your heart out of the way. Trust me, this is how much you want Tangfastics. You know what it is? It's like the first time you've got your own money and your parents don't own you and you're like,

what, I can have seven Snickers? You're in the shop and you're like, hold on a minute. I've got my own money, my parents own here, I can have seven snickers you're in the shop and you can't hold on a minute i've got my own money my parents aren't here i can have seven snickers and then you have seven snickers and you can't there's a reason there's a reason we just have one okay you go back to the sweet shop you're like why did you sell me seven snickers it was your fucking problem i'm gonna tell me ma it's always the it's not you wake up the next day

and you're like I'm still full like if you wake up after nine hours of a stoned sleep and you wake up and you're like I don't need breakfast

that's a bad sign of how much you've eaten and then the twelve or one o'clock shit where it's just real I just sometimes like you don't know

what this is going to be like sometimes like normally you can tell by how your stomach feels what the poo is going to be like sometimes I just sometimes like, you don't know what this is going to be like. Sometimes I can't, so normally you can tell by how your stomach feels what the poo is going to be like. Sometimes I'm just like, mate, the wheel is spinning there and when I pull the re-trues, it's going to stop on something. It's going to be solid to the point it hurts. Or like runny to the point

it feels solid again. You ever get there where they're runny but you still have to push it out like it's a rock? Like it comes out like a poo water balloon and it bursts just in the way. No, it sounds like you have polyps that are bursting inside of your arseholes. Yeah.

Were you ever part of the game that me and Gene used to play when we lived together which was Poo Psychic? No. It sounds like something I would have liked. together which was Poo Psychic Doh? Right so what you It sounds like something I would have liked I can't believe you kept it from us

You're like don't tell Kyle ruin it It's such a wholesome game and you somehow make it gross. Well it's not wholesome at all Yeah yeah unless it's asshole some Bad that you can hear the airplane

on the dead air that was tumbleweed that's this version this podcast version of tumbleweed if you can hear if you can hear the aircraft

go by so who's oh that's hold on just if you're doing a gig and you can hear the fridges behind the bar

oh now you're having a bad gig if you ever at your gig have to tell the bar staff to shut up sure they are being rude but

god it sucks to hear them guys can you stop talking you're being louder than the laughing that sounds like a you problem motherfucker poo psychic

this game you can play with yourself or a friend that you like you need a poo right in your head you go what do I think this is going to be? How many parts is it coming out of?

Is it solid? Is it going to be a long one? So you pre-empt it. You pre-empt it. You guess from your stomach's feeling, and then you go in, and then you do it. And it's not gross. You don't take pictures of anything like that. You have to prove, but you have to be very honest with you.

You could go like, great, I'm about to go in. I know what I've had to eat. I think it's going to be one of these could go like great I'm about to go in I know what I've had to eat I think it's going to be one of these ones I think I'm going to go in it's going to be solid it's going to come out in a one-er it's not going to snap

but you're not even going to have to pinch it off it'll fall off itself you'll wipe there'll be a carcer wipe a carcer wipe like it's just

there's going to be next to nothing on it if any right you'll go back for another one just because you didn't believe your own eyes and then

a little cat poo comes out a tiny little wet cat poo comes out tiny little wet cat poo comes out that takes forever to wipe it's like wiping an ink pad okay

Paul Perry a great Scottish comic used to have a line which is just like you know when you're just wiping and it's

like wiping a felt tip pen you're like for fuck's sake man when's it gonna run out that's when I invented the

ass diaper where you just fucking give up after a few wedges up there and go fuck it wedges up pants up

deal with you later fucking I nearly caught myself short I did that in altitude what ass tamponed

ass tamponed and then fucking went to the naked sauna oh Jesus Christ luckily I went for a shower first because like you didn't notice

the giant wad of I did when I had a shower I was like fucking hell it's a good job I didn't just fucking lie doing another lounge with that up

to go to a shower I just didn't just got cock a leg in the steam room with big fucking wad of tissue just like a fucking

pom pom shoved up my arse just like a a cheerleader overstepping the line just jumping into jumping into the pool your body not coming back up your

trousers not coming up but just a poo covered tampon just so anyway to get back off poos and get back on stoned munchies

I think I've mentioned this life hack I'll call it a life hack on the podcast before right but we've got new listeners I don't think I've said it in a while I was making a bowl of cereal

right a bowl of Weetabix and I went and got some that's already I wouldn't I know it's technically cereal but Weetabix isn't when I think some That's already I wouldn't I know it's technically cereal But Weetabix isn't When I think cereal

I think Frosties Coco Pops Lucky Charms Not this It's like people be like I'm having some cereal Porridge You're having a sad

Oaty breakfast And that's fine You're an adult It's in the same family As shredded wheat Yeah Yeah Frosted Shreddies though

Shreddies are nice Shreddies are nice I used to always Just put sugar over everything. It feels like it defeats the point. Like, here's your fucking wholesome breakfast. And I'd put all the sugar on it. If there's not at least an inch of, like, fresh snow sugar on top of your Weetabix,

then I'm going to assume you're older than I am. Yeah. Like, I haven't had cereal in a while because I kind of clocked on to the disadvantages of eating sugar all the time. And I was like, well, cereal's off the menu then. Because I'm not going to have it

without sugar. It's mad that they're just like, what do you want for breakfast? And it's like a bowl of sugar. I understand the logic of it, but the fact that that's the go to or you've just got to cook shit up

so I was making wheat abix do you ever have hot wheat abix where you put like hot water in and a bit of milk to top it up

and it goes a completely different texture it's like a hot dish lush with a ton of sugar on it's porridge pretty much

so I went and got the milk and there's barely any milk left like a little barely any milk left Like a little drizzle of milk left in And I was like I'm not just going to have fucking

Hot water on me Cereal like a fucking pov I was like I had my own house at the time I wasn't going to regress I made a cup of tea And poured the cup of tea How are the fucking

Wheat abics This sounds like One of those stories That you hear footballers Telling when they're like I know Have a bit of banana I knew I was

When I was young We could barely make Ed's wheat I remember I used to Have to eat Weetabix and tea And you're like Oh god

Things have changed for him I'm so glad to hear that So aye That was You know what Wouldn't it all go well With coffee It may day aye

Try it We'll try it after this I feel like if you mix Coffee with Weetabix You're just loading Your asshole With a 12 gauge Shotgun with coffee? It made day, aye. Try it. We'll try it after this. I feel like if you mix coffee with Weetabix, you're just loading your asshole with a 12-gauge shotgun. All you're doing is

you're like, I want to shit something solid in 45 minutes. Pour coffee on your Weetabix. Yeah. It's fucking gunpowder and then the...

And just a heavy, like, not a real bullet, but like one of the ones they use at riots or in prisons to just when it's fucking gunpowder and then... And just a heavy, like, not a real bullet, but, like, one of the ones they use at riots or in prisons to just, when it's essentially a beanbag fired at high velocity to brew, that's what you're doing to your body. Definitely. Riot bullets. I've totally changed the whole fucking...

My whole breakfast game's changed since, because it used to either be, I used to always just think cereal or toast, and that was either it, that was the two options for breakfast, but now fucking, I'm gourmet for breakfast now, making all kinds of shit.

You should see this, scrambled egg. Pancakes. Scrambled egg. Fried egg. I'm mad mate I always have salmon I like a

for me it's smoothie for breakfast and you just put everything in it and you're like that feels like I'm getting all my nutrients doing the hatch we would have to chew

if you can get your if you can get your five a day into your first fucking meal of the day cracking real good I just I always realised like

I'm getting so into the realm of middle class now that I sat drinking prosecco watching Wimbledon in the garden yesterday that's where I'm at now I got the telly right up

to the patio doors if I could if I had a time machine I'd go back in time Get 23 year old you I'd sit there with a bit of fruit And be Prosecco Get a frozen strawberry A bag of frozen fruit

To make combo with To put on your blueberry french toast I don't think with a straight face You're allowed to ask for any Patreon frozen fruit to make combo with to put on your blueberry French toast and whatnot. I don't think with a straight face you're allowed to ask for any Patreon listeners at the end of this episode. Do you know they have their bags of frozen fruit? Yeah, from the smoothie. So that when you're making your French toast,

you can put a bit of maple syrup on in the pan and you can pour it on top. There's a nice little topping instead of a spoonful of sugar. Don't do that. I tell you what, I'm mad as fuck on breakfast, mate. You shouldn't see me bouncing to bed now and then I'm going to

treat myself it's called self love Daniel so anyway Natalie must watch you make breakfast she's so fucking chuffed with herself the way she's got it

I imagine she is and then whenever you have sex with her she's always like oh okay so he's still on this side do you know what's so funny the fact like

I'm there, like, people who have listened to the last couple of podcasts where I've been slagging off, like, Matty and that for driving automatics, going, up Royal Spirit's energy. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean?

Hold your nose when you're jumping at the pool energy. Yeah. And I'm, like, I'm texting them with this kind of banter, right, fucking sat watching Wimbledon with my legs crossed, with a straw pre and me,

telling me Carver Po telling me shut the fuck up I'm trying to watch the tennis and I'm texting them going you're not men none of you are men so what you've come to the conclusion there

is that most of males toxic energy comes from projecting their own

insecurities onto... Aye. Most all of it. 100% of it. Just you sitting out in your back garden with your little designer dog that has anxiety, drinking your... She's got bluster. She's got bravado.

She's got fluster. That's what she's fucking got. She's got too much confidence. got bravado She's got fluster That's what she's fucking got Nah She's got too much She's got too much confidence Right Who'd win in a Who'd win in a fight Your dog or three leaves

On a windy day She would She would be like Come on then leaves Come on what you got Bring your Bring your mates She's nailed

So you're there Justifying Your designer dog Being as toxic as you Right Doing all this Watching the outsides In your posh end

Of Glasgow flat With your braces in So you can have New designer fucking teeth Right Not braces There's not Let's get these light

It's like Let's get these perfect Right And then when you're Closed patio door You catch a glimpse of yourself Wearing your wife's sunglasses And you go

I better call my EK And then when you're closed patio door, you catch a glimpse of yourself wearing your wife's sunglasses and you go, I better call Matty gay. And Matty's just at home, his designer dog with anxiety. He's automatically excited. He's got it on charge. He's swimming hat on because he's about to have a bath. He gets a text from you. You call him and he's got it on charge he's swimming because he's about to have a bath he gets a text from you and you call him

and he's like oh right so that's what it is that does make sense now whenever I attack one of my friends I am going to take a

before I do I'll still do it I'll take a brief moment to look at the scenario I'm like does this have any reason to do

why I suddenly want to violently verbally attack my friends? Yeah, it does. You've got toe separators and you're in the jacuzzi. Fair enough, actually. That's good life. Yeah. How awesome.

I knew I was meant to try. Hi. I've always sneered at the middle class, but I do love my indulgences. It's meant. It's allowed. I think, you there's I certainly experience

a lot of I imagine you do too considering how you were raised you get this weird sort of guilt occasionally

oh aye aye anything anything that's a cue jumper anything that's like I'm better than you I still dare

yeah aye but you do it knowing that well when that wasn't you you were like I fucking hate than you, I still date. Yeah, aye. But you do it knowing that, well, when that wasn't you, you were like, I fucking hate that cunt. Aye, them cunts. Which was me. They think they're better than me, do they, by being better? What is it about them being better than me

that makes them think they're better than this? Smile me, I see. Do you want fucking chinned? I'll prove a point. Maybe your point, but... I've discovered something about myself not like

like I've been having road rage right but without the rage have I talked to you about this recently you've been having road

I've been having really cold blooded road rage my heart rate isn't up I'm not even angry and I'm starting fights with people through the window and it's happened like blooded road rage my heart rate isn't up I'm not even angry and I'm starting fights

with people through the window and it's happened like multiple times the last couple of months where like last time I done the podcast yeah were you right

you know the box junction coming at your estate where it's a fucking bastard to turn right but like it's a box junction so people stop and you can creep into

the box junction wait for your turn and go and write somebody had pulled all the way to the front of, wait for your turn and go and ride. Somebody had pulled all the way to the front of that so I couldn't get out. And it was fucking rush hour ride. And I'm like, I should be trying to turn right here. But the guy that was waiting behind her

was at the edge of the box junction. And all I needed was her to move off the box junction when the lights go so I could pull out and move, right. And we both sat there for about fucking three minutes. And he'd spotted us that i was going to do that right and then as soon as the traffic started to move he just sped up bumper to bumper blocked that place and i'm looking through the window going i could kill you he's not moving anywhere i was like i could kill you you know if i wanted to if i felt like

it like he would be dead right he's like this 22 year old kid who thought he was being cocky he's last in the car and all that right pulled up right I fucking I went run the back of him and pulled up next to him and I was sent

the fucking confidence on you I was like that's going to get knocked out of you that if you keep acting like that I'm fucking tired through the window but none of

how's he react to this he's looking fucking straightforward he's not even he's like glancing he's like has he gone away yet has he gone I'm not right I'm not even angry at the glancing he's like has he gone away yet has he gone I'm not

right I'm not even angry at the time I'm like and that's been multiple times there's one where someone fucking sped up behind us it's like I pulled in

for an ambulance right on the dual carriageway ambulance kept going I pulled back out someone was trying to fucking ghost the ambulance out of the way back and he sped up my arse

and flash and tooted the horn so I speeded down to 50 I'm just doing 50 in the fucking fast lane and I just ended up like there's no flashing tooted the horn so I speed doomed to 50 I'm just doing 50 in the fucking fast lane and I just ended up like there's no one in front of us for miles because I'm doing 50

and I'm just like oh on my shoulder just going fucking I'll kill you and I said what's got into us I don't know

what's got into us but I just it sounds like you need the confidence knocked out of you I know it really sounds like one of these times

I hope you end up picking like, there's like a fucking punch buggy, pink goes past you, goes up your ass and you're like, I'm going to fucking do this cunt. You go, you yell through the window and then just an MMA fighter comes out and you're like,

good fight, finally. Finally a match. Kai Humphrey's been stuffed into the exhaust of his own car today. Oh, man, I just get some weird kick out of it where somebody's just, like, using their car as a shield to act hard. Yeah. And then you just let them know that, like, it might escalate into trouble. I am the opposite of that.

I have, I think, realised I would get road-raged and I would get aggressive and yell at people, but I would never do it in America. Like, you can cut me off in America and I'm like, have a great day. Ah, yeah.

Bye-bye. I'm like, sorry for pulling out there, mate. On you go. Yeah, you must, something must be going on, hey. I hope everything's alright at home. Fucking thanks for,

you know, making me slam on the brakes. That was dead nice of you. Aye, but you know what would actually happen if you live in America? Yeah. You know what would actually happen? You'd get a gun

and you'd be like do you want to go and fight your stupid gun do you want to shoot at each other and see who wins well so

I suddenly took two things I took a look at my own logic which was right the reason I don't do it in America is because I'm scared

of being shot as if in the UK people also couldn't kill me with what they have to hand. Like I'm not a fighter.

If I get into an argument with it, any of these cards on a wrong day, bad day could come out and just decide to kick my fucking head in. And I've learned a lesson. And the other factor that came into it, because it was about a couple of months ago, I've got Caelan in the car, right? Cara's in the passenger seat.

And just this, I'm on a dual carriageway, I'm following a car and just I've left three car lengths the amount that's meant to be in that fucking speed enough to make the light go on off your dash

yeah there's a light that goes you're too close to the car in front you're like it's daily heating I'll hang back somebody fucking she just no indication

just straight fucking then they have to slam on the brakes and then not only slam on the brakes speed up so I don't get fucking rear ended by the car, that's behind me, thankfully,

because there's a Tesla, and it's, it's all fucking fine, height and fucking sense, I've got my kid in the car, it's the first long drive we've done, I'm fucking raging, and I'm just like,

I literally, follow the car, up the road, and I'm just, and whenever they change lane, I change lane, I'm like, I'm just gonna,

I wanna see who you are, like, I want you to fucking see. Putting your family at risk. Well, I, so at one point, Cara just,

Cara just mumbles under her breath. She's just like, fucking pathetic. And it was so cutting. Crushing. Oh, because then, because normally,

if I'm in the car with you and I'm yelling about what I'm going to do, you're yelling what I'm going to do we're just in an echo chamber of like fine this is how we're getting our anger out I'm going to yell angrily

you're going to agree with me angrily and all the things I want to do to that person we've just said it in the car and I've relieved the stress that doesn't happen with Cara she's just like

I'm not joining in you're a sad toxic partner what a stupid like you shouldn't engage with any of them things I shouldn't and even though in my head I'm like I don with any of them things I shouldn't and even though in my head

I'm like I don't have anger issues because I wasn't angry I didn't feel angry that's worrying that's worrying that's like I'm not going to get sunburned

it's windy I can't feel the sun on my skin so I'm going to be fine you're just going I'm not scared of getting into a fight or altercation

with that other person that is something that you should have a healthy fear of and it's not even just so you avoid it you know what it's sometimes not even like

I'm not scared of it's like I kind of want it I kind of want this cunt to fucking step up in a way out of now like that's

that's troubling that's something that needs addressing well because also like worst case scenario or best case scenario depending on how you look at it this cunt gets out of the car,

you get out of the car, you knock him out. Congratulations, you've done a crime. Oh, yeah. You're on the run now. You're on the run now. Loads of witnesses. Yeah, heaps. You held up traffic.

You did dash cams. You did it on traffic lights. Yeah, there's a need for it now. People clapped and they felt on your side of the time. And also, the way I've watched so many... One of the Reddits i follow is just like people just fights people street fights getting fucking knocked out man the amount of people they just fall down and hit their head on a curb oh yeah congratulations congratulations you're now a

murderer because you didn't contain your anger because you didn't just fucking you know be saying i'm not a murderer that's manslaughter yo done, you slaughtered a man. You've made it sound worse. You slaughtered him. You just slaughtered him. Manslaughter is... Because that's what it is. Your reckless decision ended the life of a person.

But it does sound heaps worse than... But you know what does it for me with them little moments in vehicles, right? When it's somebody that can see you need to be out and then actively closes the gap so you can't be out even though even though it's not going to change their journey any or the person that's like fucking slipstreaming behind an ambulance and then gets fucking angry that anybody else dare fucking use both lanes right like i always look at that's like that's just one sign of a terrible human

and I always write them off as scum of the earth the minute they say something scummy I'm like oh this is a I fund a real scummy cunt and I just want them

to be scared even if just like even if I just send them away with their hands trembling I've just scared scum and I just feel like it's a fucking moral duty and I need to stop

doing it yeah good i'm glad you're right this is a part of the podcast where we just need a chaise long where you just take my car on the corner on the chaise long attack you through this is here's here's a driving ethical question for you how on a scale of one to absolute country, how bad is this? You're on a dual carriageway. It's traffic. It's moving, but it's not moving fast. Let's say 15, 20 mile an hour, more or less.

Up there, you can pull off, you can go on the southern motorway, or you can pull off, go through the roundabout, and join the same dual carriageway, 20 cars ahead. You say I have local knowledge and you used it. I agree. That is local knowledge.

On the way to the stag do, Ali was driving. It was me, my dad, and I think one of my brothers in the, oh no, maybe it wasn't one I used to, in the car. And that exact scenario happened before the fourth road bridge which was Ali within this traffic and my dad went Ali went to say something and my dad went to say something and they were both coming out from the opposite end

my dad was like just go down the thing and go across the roundabout and Ali was like you see these fucking cunts who go down here across the thing I hate those cunts and I was like ooooh I mean I'm definitely on my dad's side it's not cheating and there's always the risk that if enough people did that

I'd end up in worse traffic there and that would be the price I'd fucking pay I don't feel like it's personally affronting one person you're not just cutting off one person I agree with you but what is the difference then between that

and 400 yards down the road we know this three lanes turns into a two lane everyone knows that the signs are fucking there and 400 metres before this we've all pulled into that lane and somebody's going down there you could argue that that's local

knowledge of the know where it I think the answer to this is I'll be the one that fucking guns out into the right lane because I can see what's happening. And then I'll be the one that's annoyed at the people that are undertaking. But I think the correct thing to do is everybody fill both lanes and merge in turn.

I think the correct and fastest way to deal with that trouble is to just fill both lanes, merge in turn. So the ones that are whizzing by should be going, you should all be doing this. I'm not the dickhead here. These are just stupid. planes merge and turn. So the ones that are whizzing by should be going, you should all be doing this. Yeah. I'm not the dickhead here. These are just stupid.

These are all like joining this single file queue that's going to go on forever when it can be a double file queue that's going to be squatter. Ah, but he... But he has a one that is a version of what you did,

but like a bit more intrusive. In Blythe, right, if you come off the spine road, the A189, right, I'm just saying these because some local people don't get it, right, and you're at the Asda roundabout,

you're queuing the left lane to go straight on and you're queuing the right lane to turn into Asda. The queue in the left lane is way longer. But what you can do is do a full 360.

I'm a big fan of the full roundabout. I'm a big fan of the full roundabout. It's within the floor. Oh, I made a mistake. Oh, I didn't know fan of the full roundabout it's within the floor oh I made a mistake oh I didn't know that was the exit but like but it's

it's how it's like a stabbing it's how personal it is because you're going around and then you merge with the person you're fucked over and you're looking

through the window again hey mate and it's such a small town that you probably know the cunt who you're stabbing in the back

you're probably there going alright you you're stabbing in the back. You're probably there going, all right, you're going to be at the pub, aren't you? I hope you're the designated driver because you seem a lot more responsible than me. So you're a fan of that? It's one of my hypocrisies. If I were to see somebody else do it, I'm like, you fucking wanker.

But the second I decide to do it, I'm like, I'm just, I the second I decide to do it I'm like I'm just I exist on a higher level of understanding and consciousness and decision not above the law

but above the etiquette yeah you think you can turn up to the golf course in your joggies in your jeans I mean you can to some of them above etiquette

so should we acknowledge the two cunts in the room ah yeah we're going to cream here what's up with your brothers well so we've said for so long that we're going to slowly be increasing the quality of this podcast and what we meant

by that is everything that should be quality we're now outsourcing to my brothers to do well to hopefully fucking set in and end up being like the producers and to help it just so we do less editing and because they're more savvy technology-wise than we are. We're basically just copying every other podcast.

You know how every other podcast has that one cunt that they occasionally cut to when they don't know something? The Brian Redban. Yeah. Remember the original Joe Rogan podcast that was the Brian Redban? Oh, well, I think the guy's name

is Jamie or something. Who now? I don't know, I haven't listened to him in a while, but they've got to be there like Googling stuff and that. Fact checking way.

And also, Jack is a listener of the podcast and has been for ages and one of his pet peeves of the podcast is how many times we start a story,

go off topic and then never get back to that story. And so he's now going to be in the room to go oi dickhead, so this is what you were fucking talking about. So, next couple of months should be good.

We've got the extra camera. You're not watching it now, but it's ordered. It's on the way. But just as a thank you to all the fucking regular listeners, even if you don't fucking pay for the Patreon, thank you for pushing us to get to a level where we're taken up. And also, obviously, thank you to the Patreons

for giving us the money that means that is possible. I promise I'll stop spending it on weed, kind of. And we'll be able to invest way more by the time we've had your stag do. Yeah. Because they are basically powering your stag do. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah which is a we're really grateful for that

thanks for we've just been dead we've just been dead honest about how we're spending the money hey look we bought another camera and it was quite expensive there you go and the stag do

is for my mental health it's too good right now I'm working I'm working away as though I can tax deduct it I'm like is there any way is there any way I can dodge tax?

You know how it is, the fucking, the Tory government, I fucking encourage tax dodging with the Tory government. I fucking, I watch them. You don't mean tax dodging. You mean expenses. Pays little fucking taxes you can legally. Yes. Right, because I always fucking look at them,

the way, like, everything that's happening on the telly now, they're all fucking arguing and infighting and they're all still getting paid out of our money and when they start giving contracts to their mates for like ppe or even for the fucking food i look at that and going why the fuck would i want to put money on that partly and if it was a socialist government you'd be fucking like you'd wear your tax payment with a badge of honor no well i mean i agree i pay horrific amounts of tax i can't even imagine because i just did my tax thing recently and it's like it was like i gasped yeah right but then i just like when danny's must be brutal yeah yeah i mean it's like there's a you get to a certain threshold where every money every bit of

money you earn after that is taxed at 50%, sometimes a bit more. That's one thing they don't teach you in school, you know. If you want to become a millionaire, you have to make two million. Yeah. They don't tell you that? Aye. But as annoying as it is to watch half of, or sometimes almost half of your fucking wages going out, the thing I've always stood by is that is how it should work.

I earn more yeah so i should absolutely pay more tax that makes so much i totally agree like i think the more you make the more money should be taxed until eventually it gets to 100 when you're a billionaire yeah in a way you're like not not like 100 of the first billion but everything after that you don't need that much money you don't nobody nobody needs more and there's definitely lesser numbers than this but I'm going to say nobody needs more

than five million pounds there's nobody I don't have that right but I'm below that and I already don't need but I would

I would really begrudge if there was a person making five million and then they had to give every penny after that to the Tory government, I'd be like, oh no, can he not just keep it? He may do better good with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He may do, he may do. It's knowing that your tax isn't going in to pay for the fucking roads and schools. Even before I had kids, you always had these fucking people being like, what, so you're fine with, you know, paying tax for schools that you're never going to use?

Yes. Like, 100%. Aye. Absolutely, because I don't want but could more of the money go into that I don't want my country to be filled with thick cunts like you who come up with arguments like that, like man if I didn't have a car

I'd still happily pay road tax because I don't like people being in car crashes and dying, even though I don't benefit directly from what I'm caught with you're still going to use the buses and taxis and you will use the roads in your own way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's like you want to make a contribution to society

and the more you make, the more you can make. It should be prestigious to pay higher taxes. It should be like, I always say, it should be like in Call of Duty when you've levelled up to the top level and then it gets to prestige rating. I think it should be like once you've earned your first, whatever the cap is, half a bill.

Even if it's an astronomical amount of money, like a billion, right? Every penny after that goes towards your prestige rating and then there's just this fucking top 100 contributors to the society. And you like people who instead of chasing wealth, chase prestige and try to just be the number one guy, the hall of famer that's fucking

made the biggest contribution to the rest of the world I just don't think that's how people work definitely not it's idealistic aye if you want to become a multi-millionaire or a billionaire

you have to be able to just go I'm not going to pay anyone a fair fucking wage aye I'm going to dodge tax like a motherfucker that's the thing it's like you get off

you want to be a millionaire you have to make two million but if you want to be a billionaire you have to make 1.1 billion because you're probably going to dodge tax like a motherfucker. That's the thing. It's like you get off. You want to be a millionaire, you have to make two million. But if you want to be a billionaire, you have to make 1.1 billion because you're probably going to fucking put that money somewhere like a tax haven. Yeah. So anyway, we've just fixed the world. Well, yeah. I mean, we regularly do on this podcast.

It's still the way we are. It's almost as if Boris Johnson doesn't listen to this. Imagine he did. Imagine it was his escapism imagine he was like oh god everything's eating us up I'm going to just have a bubble bath and listen to Sloss and he's on the road

and he's crying there and that's why it's called a bubble bath he didn't put any redox in what have you got to plug? not much but I was also going to say this is the handy bit of having producers in the room

because one of the things that happens in normal conversation with friends and partner is you get to the end of a topic and you just go ah and then you sit in silence

for 30 seconds and then reflect on it whereas what happens when you're doing a podcast is we go gotta fill this dead air that's over now we've got these cuts if we have dead air it's dead we'll Is we go, gotta fill this dead air That's over now, we've got these cunts

If we have dead air, it's dead, we'll cut it out We can cut out dead air now People won't get to listen to it, just lull What? I feel like that's half the thrill Well, maybe sometimes But I think it would just pull off the pressure for us to be like And then this other thing happened today that I'm going to tell you about

Because I'll be honest with you, not heaps of interesting shit. Yeah, you know what? We had a discussion on a podcast during the pandemic about Black Lives Matter, right? And I revisited it because someone said it was really interesting and it would be good for a Rewind Wednesday, and I listened back. And because it was such a contentious subject, right,

we were doing a lot of emming and airing and omming and just fucking every other word was an em and I just took the time to go through and cut some out and it just

it just sounded a lot better did it? believe it or not believe it or not sounded slicker okay there we go that's how

that's how this podcast will get more intelligent we won't actually get more intelligent ourselves we'll just edit it to make us seem fucking better that'll work

and we're gonna shall we bring some games back as well can't do shall we start doing games again we'll do because Muggle Corner was a built-on one it felt like we expired it but we could probably

but I feel like it's been so long since Muggle Corner actually wearing a Muggle t-shirt representing but we're gonna have like a rethink like we'll have been like you know when we go same energy so you could have like a rethink like we'll have been like you know when we go same energy

so you could do like a same energy game where you'd say something that does a thing and then you try and pool them with a group of other people that have got the same energy

so we should do this off the podcast really no no they see behind the curtain the entire fucking time they know what this fucking shit is yes

I've got to call myself out for uh being um more of a cupboard and it's not necessarily covered i've got my excuses ready but i'll tell you what's happening you know how i'm doing a work in progress here in the fringe uh-huh i'm doing previews this friday you're doing a preview for your work in progress have you got um material working yet for, have you been to the Red Rose and stuff? I did earlier on in the year so when I just had a bit more free time after Caelan was born and I was just working on stuff, I popped up at the stand in the

monkey barrel and I got about there's a 15 minute bit there which will easily become like a 20-25 minute bit once I get into it, like you know when you've just got, I'm like that's a plant, it's going to grow into something big got I'm like that's a plant it's going to grow into something big but at the moment it's there I'm going to go and like plant more seeds um I've got ideas I've got fucking heaps of shit I think I've got like most of the structure in my

head but it's just actually fucking sitting down and doing it but part of me does not and this is all a prison of my own making in my own head of standards that do not exist outside of anywhere but me I'm like

you're not allowed to write any stuff before a work in progress if you're doing a work in progress like when I say I'm doing a preview I'm doing a 30 minute spot

so I'm just getting up and doing that but I'm like if I sit down when are you doing that? Friday, Saturday I'm jumping on you're not doing Thursday? no ah shit because I'm doing the Thursday one yeah so I'm just getting up and doing that but I'm like if I sit down when are you doing that? Friday Saturday I'm jumping on with you're not doing

Thursday? no ah shit because I'm doing the Thursday one yeah so I think that's why I'm jumping in

Marlene I was like I don't have people doing the Friday and Saturday can I have you jump on please just to so you're going to

figure out yeah I mean it needs to be you're creating a two hour show you're in a different situation the rest of the

way we're creating a fringe show I know but it would be like you you know complaining about all the horrible things that these drivers are doing over ambulance chasing and then tooting you behind for 10 years

and then doing it constantly. It would be like me singing, your girlfriend, your girlfriend, your girlfriend, picked a dog and then my wife picked my dog. Yeah, it would be like that. It would be like us doing a whole episode slagging off Tom Horton being on tiktok and then opening a tiktok account and putting videos up yeah yeah yeah yeah if it's all right

with you i don't want any more examples if we could just uh if we could just stop that one right there okay point received um i've done a preview like a half preview and it was meant to be it was just meant to be 25 minutes and then Gareth like had a problem with it

I think fucking he's upstairs and he has left the bath taps on and then he ended up having a bath in his living room oh a shower

like he's fucking sealing come through or what and he was meant to be on so he bailed on that gig and I basically swapped with him

I was like I'll absorb your time tonight and then tomorrow'll absorb your time tonight and then tomorrow you absorb my time we'll both do longer spots right thinking I'm going to be

a lot better at it in like a 50 minute spot or whatever and I'd done what I thought was 40 and looked at me watching I was on like 29 minutes and I was like

oh brutal I worked so much more work today but it was like Craig Hill's crowd yeah I'd done a joke about ASL and nobody knew what I was on about work today but it was like Craig Hill's crowd yeah I'd done a joke

about ASL and nobody knew what I was on about and I had to explain it and I'm like oh like this maybe like it was nice enough

gig and they were laughing but like I'm like oh I think I might have more time in a crowd that are more suited to me yes

yeah or at least more neutral yeah less expecting to just see one act that they've come to see. It's not that they didn't like it, it's just they did. And they were laughing.

But you were viewed as a support act as opposed to the main attraction, which would obviously be during your... Yes. And I think that, like, it may be, I'm hoping that it may, like, if I go into Red Raw tomorrow night

and I do half of that material it'll be twice as long yeah it will but you also can't Red Raw is the other side especially if it's fucking Glasgow Red Raw which it is because it's on a Tuesday that's one where I always use Glasgow Red Raw as

I just need confidence in this joke and if I have confidence in this joke I'll deliver it better and then I'll find the fucking weak spots because as well in their moments if people are laughing at the bit confidence in this joke. Yeah. Like, and if I have confidence in this joke, I'll deliver it better and then I'll find the fucking weak spots. Because as well, in their moments, if people are laughing

at the bit, you'll stay in the bit longer, you'll come up with bits on the spot. Yeah, yeah. Because you're just exploring a premise. There was,

I think it was on the Comedians Talking Comedy, which was Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais, and Ricky Gervais and Ricky Gervais somehow like fucking Tottenham in the Super League I think Ricky Gervais is absolutely

I've not watched his most recent stand up but I think Ricky Gervais is very funny I think Extras is one of the funniest shows ever made The Office I never got into, and that's just because I personally don't like cringe comedy. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't really watch Partridge or anything. Yeah, like it's just, I might try again with it more,

but I remember trying to watch it and I was just like, I can't enjoy cringing at Office, awkward situations. That's not what makes me laugh. But it's obviously fucking genius. But I just think think and this is why I respect Ricky just for the ego he wasn't a stand up

originally he was a fucking writer and then he wrote two of the best television comedy shows he's ever written and then started doing comedy

after that and because he's such a good writer obviously his material was good and he was confident and able to do this but the brass fucking neck to being like

alright so shall we have a sit down of all the greatest comics in the world to Jerry Seinfeld Louis CK and fucking Chris Rock I've been like

you've got seven years under your belt haven't you like don't get me wrong like you've got Bathurst and Ennard and Golden Globes and all these things

I just took off golf and I'm just like right take it right pod rake and you're decent at golf you're really but

seven years I'll let me build but it's great I love nothing more than talking shop and I love watching comedians talk

I love the science of comedy I love the the the creativity of it and you know how you dissect it

and understand it so watching these four comics sitting around talking about it one of the things that jerry seinfeld was saying is what do you do what you're meant to do like let's say you do a joke right and the audience is fucking laughing and they're laughing so hard that they're actually interrupting the next bit yeah and you're losing momentum and you're losing momentum what do you do because some people just they accept the applause stay in the bit

stay in the bit whatever you do let's say you're doing a bit where you're angry about or the person you're playing in the routine is angry about

something and you're yelling and you yell the punchline or one of the punchlines and the audience lose their shit don't bask in the

consider it pausing the TV just fucking stay there angry stay angry you can still bask in the fucking laughter you canusing the TV. Just fucking stay there, angry. Stay angry. You can still bask in the fucking laughter. You can corpse to an extent. You can, like, have a laugh at yourself,

but then, like, kind of game face yourself and get back to being angry again. You've just got to stay in the bit. So when that big laugh starts, that emotion that you're in there is the same emotion you want to be when you come out of it. Even if you stop and have a drink while they're fucking giving out the beans as long as you get back to that that was the first i remember that being like one of the landmarks in my career when i was starting out

when i was still just a fucking open spot doing gigs anywhere the first time i think was my seventh or eighth gig and i can tell you i can tell you the full layout of this fucking room. And you know how bad my memory is. For some reason, this felt like such an achievement that my brain captured it, because I was like, you're a real comedian. That's it. It was literally the first time I ever had the confidence to take a drink on stage.

Oh, wow. To actually, like, they laugh and go. Because if you're new to comedy, there's nothing more terrifying than taking your weapon out the fucking game yeah it would be like going paintballing or going to fucking war and for random bits of the combat to be like and you just have to you have to take all the bullets out the gun yeah there's gonna be it's only gonna be five seconds it's like reloading it's gonna feel like forever it's gonna feel like fucking forever and you're gonna be drinking again don't fuck up having a drink i still fuck up drinking on stage

and always gets that fucking horrible laugh where they just laugh at your stupidity and you're like do i ever tell you about my second ever gig where i forgot what i was saying i totally i only had one routine i had nowhere to go if i forgot what i'm saying it's my second gig right and it's a place called Hoke O'Ten in Newcastle. Gavin Webster was hosting it, right? And I'm on somewhere in the middle and I went to get my drink

off the table and as I'm having a swig, I went, it's a fucking candle. It was a floating candle. It wasn't lit. So I went out and I started drinking

of a floating candle on my second ever gig and it absolutely solved it because I was like and started drinking a floating candle on my second ever gig and it absolutely solved it because I was like

oh fuck I forgot what I was going to say yeah kill some time by

having a drink and then fucking next thing you know saved by a candle

one thing advice to new comics is sort the mic in the mic stand out the minute you get on

stage and that's another one of them well it's that and it just looks so fucking amateur if you like sort the mic in the mic stand the minute you get on stage. And that's another one of them. Market territory. Well, it's that. And it just looks so fucking amateur. If you like,

you know, this is how they're tangled up on here. If you just grab it and stay tangled up. Yeah. And you don't just take a second and just loop it around the mic stand and then put the mic stand over there. Like, you're on such higher status

to do that than to just perform your five-minute spot as fast as you can with a tangled-up mic. And also, you've got to, my advice would be, spend the first 15 to 30 seconds of getting onto stage and getting ready.

Barely acknowledge them. You're attacking for, like, one plus hour tour show there. If you're on day and you're spot after the comp there, definitely let the clapping and laughter die down for too long, but use that time. You can have the 15 seconds

to get up there, acknowledge the audience, without saying fucking, but like make eye contact with them, take the mic at the stand, put the mic fucking behind you, and then stand still. And that's just you very much in a psychological level going,

this is mine, this is where I am. Because you've got to remember, as much as you're like, oh God, I'm terrified of being on stage. Everyone in that audience, not everyone, most of the people in that audience are terrified of the concept of being on stage. For some reason, public speaking is like the number one fear in the world. So that extra little bit of of it might not feel like confidence at the time

might feel like time wasting to the audience will look like confidence and they'll just have a bit more trust in you

half of the fucking game is confidence and just convincing people that yeah sometimes you can be nervous because the gig's like

it could be pivotal to your career as long as they don't see the nerves you're fine you're fine and if you can keep them to yourself

and also just to let you know, no gig is pivotal to your fucking career. It feels like it at the time, though. You know them, so you think you're funny, you heat to the tryout spot at the comedy store, and like opening for a big act, like them moments in your career, especially if you're like, if you have a day job,

and you're like, oh, if this job and you're like oh if this goes well like you can't help but think in the maths way again like if i do well on this jongles tryout and julia chamberlain likes us that's that's like 500 pound weekends yeah that's like four for them in a month would be twice as much as i'm getting new i mean like my factory job or whatever like so there there is that moments where you're like oh this could change my life yeah but but it's to understand that those things can but that's why i'm in comedy you're given opportunities right and they might you you might get less than other people you might get more than other people it's important to understand where you stand in it like if you are getting more opportunities acknowledge that hello um but if you're getting even if you fuck

up that object there are going to be more opportunities there as long as you stick in this fucking job the opportunities are going to and and the way to get past the nerves is to remember it's not about you it's about the people who bought the ticket who want to laugh and if you're good at making people laugh don't worry about that don't worry about like oh what if i get booked for this next gig if you just think it's like that fucking if you're going to build a wall think about laying each brick yeah it's just like that just go out there do what you do make them people laugh and then the stuff will come yeah yeah and so yeah i mean i guess it can lead and don't mention how bright the lights are that's really nervous too

yeah because the lights are way brighter than people expect yeah yeah and also the audience don't know how bright the lights are they're never going to experience it I couldn't care but if you are gone and you're just like oh shit that's bright so I mean I guess the only things we have to plug are our upcoming

fringe shows yep and also the Patreon which you can subscribe to at Patreon or any of our fucking social media pages

you'll be able to get on yes link in bio we're going to do dad jokes aren't we where'd i put my phone bud uh oh yeah um so my friend show is at 6 45 at the stand most days i don't know i don't know where i've put my phone well see this is the dead air we're talking about i found it mate i found it

this off it there we go I found it mate I found it right your dad thinks Big Pharma is a very large man in a tractor

doesn't know why everyone's so scared your dad went into the hairdressers with a picture of Will from Stranger Things but he didn't show it

to the barber he just has it in his wallet your dad spits on your mum during sex sometimes from the other room when he's cheating Linda! Linda come here! Linda!

Linda! Your dad picked the strongest people he knew as pallbearers for your grandad's funeral so he could surf the coffin into the creme

into the creme I'm sorry did you shorten crematoria aye creme alright do you look

out the creme no coop and creme that's where I first fingered a lass how common is death

when you're short and crematoria creme that's where you first fingered a lass. How common is death when you're short in crematorium? Creme? That's where you get the neck on in that. Hold on, what? The first time I fingered a lass was cooping creme. But behind the crematorium? Like, eh... Just beside the chimney?

Right in the doorway, actually. Not during service hours. No! Right. Welcome in! Welcome in, get a bag of confetti for the way out. during service hours no right welcome in welcome in get a bag of confetti for the way out

alright not confetti your grandad's ashes but you're going to throw them anyway I don't mean to disrespect the man so I at night

aye when it was closed you went down to finger people at the crematorium everyone was like oh I can hear ghosts and it was just

this last morning moaning about how badly I'm fingering your dad grazes on leaves like a giraffe it's your turn but I put it there oh sorry

do I have to just do it now nah it's fine it'll still work your dad your dad wears a bow tie that spins when he sneezes

he's got a hair fever and took off it also just sprays bogeys on anyone else's faces your dad

come to blows with a P to check us out both trying to Enlist the same student Your dad's therapist Has a number one

Best selling novel Called The Cunt Monologues He didn't write it He transcribed it Your dad Your dad has a string On his back

And if you pull it The noose tightens around his neck Your dad is a flat arthur Because all maps are flat Explain that Globes The globes Yeah and he just sits there holding a globe Being like put the earths not the small

It's way bigger than this Mad I'm a small Earther I think the Earth is small well I mean it is definitely compared to other stuff aye

compared to most stuff not compared to things on the Earth but outside of the Earth fucking is this like the podcast where I was like you know what's in space

mostly nothing oh I can't I can know what's in space? Mostly nothing. Oh, I can't get over it. Just space is mostly nothing. When you look at space, it's mostly fuck all. Aye, but I thought there'd be stuff in it. Then there would be a backdrop.

Like bits and bobs. It's like, you know how the sky looks like there's nothing in it, but you can't see that fuck because it gets dusty. In the podcast. We'll see you on Thursday's episode, kids.