Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Poppadom Boxers

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Daniel loves himself with a self indulgent half way flush so he doesn't need to sit in his own stink. He struggles with his morals while laughing at an assassination and then tries to commit atrocities in VR. Another solo session while his only friend is on the road before next week's reunion episode.

Daniel Sloss 1, 2, 3 Daniel Sloss Can you say it's Daniel Sloss Daniel Sloss Say it like this into the microphone Daniel Sloss Good, one more time

One more Can you say it's Daniel Sloss Daniel Sloss There we go, good job Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles.

Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-woo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Hello everyone It's another solo episode Because I don't have any friends And Kai is still on tour

And also there was some positive feedback To the solo episode And I love the sound of my own voice So this is what's happening for now I think I should start off with a little bit of self-love advice and I can ask you this Matthew because I

this happened a while ago can't remember if I've spoken about it before but I didn't realise it was weird and I don't think it's weird and I think it's people who don't do this hate themselves deep down Did you ever flush Halfway through a shit Yeah

Yeah Self love man Like the reason Poos stink Apart from everything that happens in your body Is because you're just sitting Comes out right Then you're waiting sitting, it comes out, right? Then you're waiting for the fucking second train to arrive.

Meanwhile, first train, still at the station, just stinking the fucking place. Get rid of that bad boy. What are you doing? Just fucking steaming your own arse like a bowel bun, just with your own fecal matter. It's not right. It's not a good thing to do.

I regularly, the second that first plop happens, flush away, we're back to a clean toilet. is it good for the environment no every time i do it i take a day off of my kids future right but i weigh that up with how many of those days i want to sit in the smell of my own shit and i brought this up in my group of boys being like i think this is an act of self-love and And they all said I was weird, right? They all said I was a freak. It was normal to like flush halfway through. But look, my shits don't take the longest time unless I want away from my family for a little bit.

You know, when else am I meant to catch up on the internet? But I just, yeah. Also, if it's a particularly bad shit, and this is very rare but sometimes you do a shit where afterwards you know uh you need you need a shower a bad shit is like good sex you need a shower afterwards so sometimes you're like there's only one thing that's going to get rid of this and it's covering myself head to toe in shampoo um which is a privilege that women don't understand i guess i mean you could if you were logical about it but you know as men shampoo goes everywhere you wash every part of your body

with it except those freaks that wash their legs don't get what you're about what you're washing your legs like water goes down washes everything off who's smelling your legs stop washing your legs you can wash your legs in a bath can't do in a shower that's weird that's fucking weird girls can wash their legs in the shower but only if they're pissing in the shower and that's because there's obviously a direct stream down there i don't know any women that piss in the shower but i'm not ignorant enough to think that none of them do you know i, I piss in the shower. Therefore, as a feminist, women are allowed to piss in the shower. But they don't have the advantage of aim, do they?

Right? That's why I think they don't enjoy pisses as much. Women will never know the joy of pissing up against a wall. I mean, they will, but they can't decorate. You know? It's more,

when they do it, it's more Jackson Pollock. It's just fucking whatever happens on the wall. When I piss against a wall, it's a bit more artistic. So yeah, I mean, I guess that's my self-love advice of the week. Flush halfway through taking a shit, just stop. Stop lying in your room. It would be like coming in your own boxers after a wank and just be like, yeah, that's good.

I'll just sleep on this. What's there to worry about? It's my cum. It came from the inside of my body. Nothing wrong with that. Wake up the next day, we pop it on boxers. No, thank you. Not for me.

I'm a man and I respect myself. It's hard to know what to talk about next because I've got one of those opinions that many people have but whenever you come out with it people like oh that's bad you can't have that see that fucking ceo that was shot assassinated a couple of thoughts one saw the video dope he's a father he's a husband people love to him sadness for them empathy but ignoring all that stuff just for me never thought i'd see an assassination man like and it was that doorman did nothing that doorman did i don't know if you've watched the video don't watch the video it's a man losing his life and we shouldn't be able to watch that but elon musk bought twitter so fucking here we are um guy gets out of his car doesn't look like

an assassin all the movies lied to me i've never seen an assassin with a fucking backpack on like i've watched all three john wick movies at no point is there a backpack with a fucking thermos on his back right i'm not saying this hasn't wrong. Must get thirsty. It's cold in New York. He's got a jacket on. He's not got easy access to his ammo like John Wick does. He's got a big fucking parka on.

Probably keeps some stuff in there. I get it. He's there. He comes out, shoots the guy. Guy falls over, dies. Doorman just leaves the door, abandons his one duty, which, don't get me wrong, I mean, I would. If I saw someone get shot, I'd get out of there pretty fucking quick. But would I or would I freeze? Knowing what an absolute pussy I am and how unconfrontational I am

yeah I'd probably just be like nice shot man real good I you know I'm probably trying to get the assassin on side and then there's so many right first of all writing words on the bullet casings is fucking psychotic and wild and amazing. And again, awful tragedy. Man died. Man who didn't need to die, died. All of that, sure. Fucking writing the words of what insurance companies use to deny people health insurance and then shooting him with that

is fucking wild man that's unbelievable like that's like this is movie shit and i just i man i don't know people like it's it's it's it's the similar line in humanity at the moment where those cunts died in that submarine and all of the left went like you know very rarely does my heart bleed for billionaires do i include bill gates in that absolutely absolutely i know he gives a bunch of to fucking charity he's still a billionaire he can't have done that ethically at any fucking point. Getting assassinated with your fucking mantra is what, that's the opposite of affirmations.

Like you wake up in the morning, you go to the mirror. I am worthy. I am loved. I am kind. I am beautiful. Go breakfast, have a fucking meditate, go to a bunch of meetings Deny people insurance Go have some dinner

And then get shot in the fucking back With your mantra Wild Night and day Literally Between the start of the day And the end of his Well life

I guess I read a little bit more Because I was like Obviously Whenever you're not immediately sad That someone dies I guess. I read a little bit more because I was like, obviously, whenever you're not immediately sad that someone dies, you're like, I should probably do some research

to find out if I'm psychotic here. And I could be. You know, I lean left, less so nowadays. And not because of anything I've done, but just the left just keeps fucking going,

man. They just, they don't stop running left. There's no, a lot of the time, there's no too far. There's no too far. They're practically around there

high-fiving the fucking Nazis at this point, looking at me being like, you've abandoned us. It's like, motherfucker, I've stood still. I've stood still for 10 years. You kept fucking off.

I've not abandoned anyone here. I understand that the left is as hypocritical and as biased and can be as hateful as the right. And I understand this is probably a point in my life where I should have more, like, empathy or at least reflect on my lack of empathy. And maybe I will in the coming days. But still, I'm just, there's, I've jumped,

man, I saw an assassination that's fucking That's awesome Like I'm sorry I don't like this is who I am This is the internet my son's going to be on that one day I don't want him seeing any of this shit I don't want him having these opinions This is why I have to have these opinions

So that I know how to correct him in the future Oh man just so that I know how to correct him in the future. Oh man, just... And he's dead, right? He's dead, dead. Yeah, yeah. I loved all the police being like, we've got nothing to go on. I'm like, you got the...

I mean, I understand it could be like a false flag. Like you write down the fucking mantra to throw them off the set and that's just a guy that owes you money. He fucked your ex-girlfriend. He cut you off in traffic. You do some Googling. googling psychotic i mean that's how i'd do it that is what i would do if somebody cut me off in traffic was a wanker about it and i want to kill them i would then work out who they are and then try and throw them off everyone off the set kill them but leave a bunch of clues to like make people feel like there's no

way there's no way that was that fucking psycho Scottish guy in traffic. Nobody would kill someone over that. This has to be deeper. And I would give them the breadcrumbs they needed to arrive at some other innocent person whose life I'm about to ruin because I would be currency in prison.

You know, we got to save all innocent lives here. Do I think also, because i can't remember it was it was your dad that was telling me that somebody did a graph of like before the french revolution happened the wealth distribution is like in the arc of like how much of the rich had all the money and how little of the poor had the money compared to now that arc is at the fucking same point. So maybe this is the time where instead of it just being a French revolution, like it's a worldwide revolution and people just start killing billionaires. Which? Like I'm against murder. I'm against murder. Don't kill people't kill people uncool dick move right i'm also against billionaires uncool dick move

you're gonna film it oh i get to see oh i do wonder now if this is where like another one of my stances change because I've loved long like just not not against guns in America but like the standard opinion of like just do more background checks lads that's all we're asking just maybe don't maybe don't give ak-47s to people who walked out of a hospital two days ago maybe we just you know it's for people over the age of 25 it's like a driving license you gotta do a test right everything registers just a bit more i understand you love guns i'm not gonna take that away from you don't fucking bring out your don't tread on me memes but just a little bit

more and even most right-wing people agree with us right of just like come on let's get a little bit more in place but and but that's because only so far the psychos doing mass shooting have just been killing cunts I didn't want shot they're killing people in church they're killing people in synagogues they're killing people in what's the Muslim one? Mosque

Mosque, thank you, should have known that favourite restaurant in Edinburgh is Mosque Kitchen you bad man don't do that, don't kill kids don't shoot kids in schools that's not cool don't know how many times we have to fucking tell you

mind you speaking of kids getting shot at school so I'll come back to killing billionaires in a bit and I guess this is just

further proof I am a bad person so I bought the new Oculus Quest 3 S and it's the new VR and it's good, right?

There's a great game called Dungeons of Eternity. It's proper D&D. You're in there. It's got like good, like you got an axe in one hand, you got a sword in the other and if you run the sword

up the haft of the axe, right? It doesn't get beyond the head of the axe. Like it stops the sword. Like it's awesome. Like just in terms of like physics and stuff, I'm like, that feels real. You got a duck, you got a weave, you got to get out of the way like it's awesome like that just in terms of like physics and stuff i'm like that feels real you've got a duck you gotta weave you gotta get out of the way it's a challenge game really enjoying it i'm loving vr my friend also has a vr uh and he gets motion sick

so he's not having the best time so i was like right instead of doing this game we're moving around a lot there's lots of like vr worlds there's meta worlds we can go in and just to do things and one we learned a lot of things one the metaverse is just filled with 13 year olds it's just it's 95 percent 13 year olds and we didn't do ourselves any favors because there's a VR in there a room called VR high school and we're like let's go but let's just see what the VR high school is and some people are like taking the roles of teachers I guess the idea was like 300 people would go into this world one person would put on the music teacher hat one person would put on the fucking math teacher hat

they've got people playing the receptionist these are all people there's no computer people in the game it's all people in the world and like they ring the bell everyone's got to go to class there's a cafeteria all this stuff and we're in there so obviously obviously the first thing we do is go to our lockers and pretend to take out guns and just start shooting up the fucking school hey which doesn't work as well because it's just as the only thing there's no guns obviously in there very unrealistic american high school so we're just doing it with like finger guns, which kind of took the sting out of it, I guess. And we're going around being like,

I'm sick of being bullied, sick of being bullied. And really just regressed. Really, really just regressed as human beings. And this happens every time new technology comes out. It's just like, oh my God, I wonder what amazing thing we're going to do with this dixon racism don't we might we might get to the moon with it later but i'm telling you straight off the bat it's dixon racism when there's a great game back in the day called sport right and it's like you

started off as a tiny little amoeba and it was like that fish game when you gotta go around and you gotta like eat things and you can become like a bigger amoeba and the more you eat it then got to add like different types like fucking shapes to your amoeba and then you got to a point where you evolved into a fish and you were just designing the fish and then you're swimming in the ocean and you're eating other fish you were designing then you eventually went on land right and you went through all the evolution stage all the way up to the space age where you can fly to other planets right and meet other fucking aliens right and they were like we have given people pure creative freedom with this right 99 of the designs of these creatures were dicks dicks and boobs go on go on youtube

right now and type in spore on pc and just look at all the walking swastikas, the walking dicks, the walking tits. Some of them made a vagina. Do you know how hard that is? I don't know anyone that's made a, oh, my wife has made a vagina. She didn't have anything to do with it though. She grew it inside of her. God did the rest.

And this is why NASA did the right thing, right? NASA developed all of this amazing technology, right? And they're like, we're going to use this to get to the moon. And they were like, hey, do you want to give any of this stuff to the public? And they were like, under no circumstance, no way, absolutely not. We're going to find the top 0.1% of people, right? Train them up and then give them access to all this amazing stuff because only

the top one percent of people are not going to make dicks pussies and racism out of this so we're in vr which is just for everyone right and it's all the people that are on fit you have to have a facebook account so it's scum it's pure scum right and we get on there we go to a boxing gym in it and the number one rule in the boxing gym, in this little world, all around the place, is just no N-words. That's it. That's the number one rule.

Then it's no bullying. Then it's no harassment. Then it's no screaming. Then it's no like, oh, don't ban people for no reason. No N-words. Everywhere on this wall. Every VR room we went to, there's a custom rules on the wall that the person who made the world gets to create

in every single one of these rooms. Number one rule, do not call people the N-word. Now, don't get me wrong, great rule, great rule. I am so for that rule. But when you create a world and you have to run that rule down people's throats every 45 fucking seconds maybe get rid of that world right maybe we're just not ready for it and i'm look i'm not innocent in

all this i didn't say the n-word that's not what i'm saying i did not say the n-word right i was gonna then i saw the sign and i'm not hey look i might be racist but i'm not a rule breaker um no i the anonymity of the internet needs to change right you could i it's gotta go you're not allowed to be anonymous on the internet anymore it's banned it's not allowed no way burn the dark web to the ground and on the regular internet you are not allowed to have an account on anything right any social media unless your driver's license and your home address and your face is in that fucking screen so it can all come back to you and i say this as someone when xbox live first came out i was about i think it been about 12, 13 when did it come out? I got one of the first ever, my user handle was Danny S.

Danny Space S. I got that gamer tag. That's how worldly into online games I was. Danny S was not taken. I must have been like the fourth person on it. I'm 13. I've got no empathy. I'm playing Unreal Tournament. And I'm playing with Americans for the first it's this amazing bit of technology for the first time

ever I can play online with people I've never met before and I can communicate with someone fucking 3,000 miles away and you know what I did I told him I was glad 9-11 happened why because he couldn't get me and that was it I just said the worst things possible just to wind these Americans up, just to get under their skins and piss them off because they couldn't get me. Anonymity,

maybe this is how you become more right-wing as you grow older. Mind you, I guess the right-wing in America, they want anonymity, don't they? Their full freedom from the fucking government. God, where do I stand? Oh, big news today.

At midnight this morning, the fifth Brandon Sanderson Stormlight Saga book came out, Wind and Truth, and I've read the prologue, which blew my fucking dick off. Oh my God, so much stuff in that prologue. Come, come, come.

Yum, yum, yum. Get it all in my eyes. Very exciting. They did that thing where they were like, on audiobook's 27 hours long and even though i like michael kramer who i think is the one that does the audiobook and go and find out the the the broad's name it's michael kramer and someone else they're both excellent i'm just being sexist for the sake of being sexist which i guess i should stop doing but yeah uh they're both kate reading that's it kate reading ah but spelled reading which which is what she's doing she's reading and speaking out loud good name they're

both excellent i've listened to the audiobooks uh before not doing it this time because i want to read i want to get fucking distracted i'm listening to an audiobook my eyes can look elsewhere if i'm listening to an audiobook i can see how much i elsewhere. If I'm listening to an audio book, I can see how much I'm ignoring my family and that makes me feel guilty. Whereas if I'm reading a book, because I'm so engrossed, they're completely at my periphery and it's fucking guilt-free.

I'm just there. People are like, you're being a bad dad. No, I'm not. I'm learning about the Parshendi. Very excited to read all of that, get more into it, lose my fucking mind on reading it 46 hours long. Two days. Two days of solid reading.

So if I can finish that by Christmas, one, I am a big gay loser, but I knew that anyway. And then I think I've just ruined it for myself because then the second Stormlight Saga is going to come out in like fucking, I don't know, two months whenever Brandon Sanderson knocks on the book.

But he's already said that the next series contains a lot of lift. And if you've not read the stormlight saga uh lift is one of the worst characters in all of fiction she is unbearable she is poorly written she is annoying she is shit she's the phoebe buffet of the cosmere and there's people out there being like but i love phoebe i bet you did you fucking loser um the whole next bit's going to be based on her they're doing a like this bit maybe a spin-off the next fucking phase is about like she's just so fucking bad and i know people who read it will be like this my favorite

character that's because you're not funny that's because you're not funny you think lift is funny because you've never said anything funny in your fucking life right so you don't have anything to compare it to right you're just you're sad and you get all of your happiness and jokes from fucking people who are funnier than you hello that's me's me. That's who I am. Brandon Sanderson has openly admitted that he doesn't watch or understand stand-up comedy. He thinks the funniest person that ever lived is Terry Pratchett. And let me be clear, Terry Pratchett was a fucking dweeb, was a fucking loser. I know I've ran about Terry Pratchett on this podcast before, but every single one of his books is just somebody that was handed a joint that wasn't a joint

at the age of 16, and then just pretended to be high, and what they thought being high was. pretended to be high and what they thought being high was. That's who he was. That's what every single book he's ever fucking read is. There once was a man who was born on the ocean and his feet were made of snow, but his head was made of fire. And he said to the moon one day, come down and make me the right.

Who gives a fuck, man? Who gives a fuck? Like, I can't believe that's who brandis vanderson's favorite author is blows my fucking mind right that'd be like my favorite comedian being milton jones that'd be fucking insane you'd be like what imagine fucking anthony jesselnik the greatest to ever do it came out it was like i'll tell you it's the best. Carrot Top. Carrot Top is the reason I got into fucking comedy and became the deadpan king, right? The most arrogant motherfucker in the entire world, right?

Unbelievable. Jimmy Carr coming out and being like, I got to tell you, lads, I've done 15 specials. But for me, Nanette, that's the one. It just doesn't vibe with me. I don't fucking get it. Hello, everyone. Thirsty Cross Sider have been kind enough to sponsor us again For I mean we're coming up on a year

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You'll be doing us a favour You'll be doing your friends a favour And you'll get some great fucking cider out of it I realised on the last podcast I also I said I was going to update you on my life and I didn't, so here that is still not doing stand-up

and because this is the first time I've not had just torrential amounts of gigs in the future like an upcoming tour or whatever right the other opportunities are arising, other opportunities like before

I would be like I can't fucking do that, I'm on tour for the next 17 years of my fucking life so I've got to do some really exciting things, none of which I can tell you what they are but I got to do a little bit of voiceover work the other week. That was fun. It was really good.

I enjoyed that. And every time I do one of these things, I come back and I smugly tell my wife, I'm like, and how does it feel that you're now married to a voice actor? And she's like, you're a real, you've done acting. I'm like, yeah, but this was with, you know, just my voice. Which I guess is a downgrade. You know, it feels like you were on TV and they were like, hey, we loved some of that. And none of it was the bit anyone could see.

We have a problem with you visually. Your voice, great. But also, even though your voice is great, change it and do an entirely different voice. That's what we have a problem with you visually your voice great but also even though your voice is great change it and do an entirely different voice that's that's what we want from you and i did that and it was good fun i got like two writing projects on the go uh like stuff for tv which is really exciting because i've never given well i've never given a shit about it before. I just fucking hate the process. I hate the process of coming up with an idea and then finding someone to write it with

and then you have fun writing this fucking project together and sometimes you disagree and then it all dies. Or sometimes it goes a little bit further and you pitch it and then somebody who has never set foot in a fucking comedy club before and does not understand anything about comedy apart from how much money it can bring in goes I don't get it and you're like I know you don't get it that's why you're on that side of the fucking table I don't understand how accounts work right that's why I have an accountant can we all stay in our fucking lane here right don't come to me

and be like this is why I think your fans are interested in. You don't know what my fans are interested in. I don't know what my fans are interested in. I get it wrong all the time. I regularly go, but like, do you like this shit? And they're like, ew, no. And I'm like, okay, well, time to lose you.

How dare you tell me which direction to go in? I'm going to double down on this and go fuck yourselves. And that's how we end up with specials like fucking hubris and whatever my last show was called can't can't can't was my last show um there's another project this project one of the writing projects i'm working on will be the fucking end of of me doing anything creatively if it doesn't happen. Like, I love it so very, very much. Like, I've never been passionate about any script I've ever written. I've always just, like, done it because it felt like something that you have to do in this job.

Because, like, most stand-up comedians, you end up in TV and then fucking movies, right? Bill Burr, one of the best to ever do it. Fucking love Bill Burr. So good, right? Starts acting. He's in Breaking Bad. Goes off, gets his own cartoon on Netflix.

Still doing stand-up. But he's in, like, fucking movies and shit. It's the logical progression, right? And that started from fucking Richard Pryor, fucking Eddie Murphy, like all of the fucking great black comics from like the 50s onwards. Like amazing stand-ups, groundbreaking comedians, and then TV, movie, films,

and then occasionally they go back to doing stand-up. I've always not wanted to do that because I like fucking stand-up. But then you have a family and you're like, oh, if I do this, I can actually just stay at home. So I don't know if it's just because

having not done comedy in ages, stand-up, like the creative part of my brain needs something to do. And this is like a really good outlet. And not that I've learned everything that there is to know about stand-up because God fucking knows I have not but like it sort of felt that just going down the same route

every two years of write a show preview it tour it bet it write it preview it tour it bet it just that circular motion i was like a nascar driver right i know how to turn left i've nailed turning fucking left i've done it 52 fucking times i'd argue there's only 200 other comedians that are good at turning fucking left as i am now i want to fucking turn right right i want to be an f1 driver i I want to, you know, go off. So I've been really enjoying this process. The writing I'm writing with is so fucking good and I'm learning lots because, like, I don't know how to fucking write sitcoms.

I don't know how to write stories. Like, there's more transfer than I thought there would be because, like, obviously stand-up, and especially my stand-up, is storytelling in a fucking way. But, like, writing in scripts is, is different from, you can be a really good fucking painting artist, right, but, like, if you go into sculpting, there's an entire new dimension that you weren't aware was there, and you've got to, like, learn that extra bit, that's what I feel I'm doing now,

that extra bit, that's what I feel I'm doing now I'm really enjoying it and I'm really proud of it and if it doesn't get commissioned then somebody several people

high up at a certain network station in America are going to be assassinated outside of their hotels with just quotes from Joe Rogan's podcast. I'm just going to completely throw people off the... And I don't know how to etch the words Mentally ill people say onto bullet casings I'll find someone who can do fucking calligraphy and translation It's been a while since I've forced myself

To listen to Joe Rogan podcasts Which I have done You know Elliot Steele will occasionally be like You should listen to this guy who's going to go on and talk about aliens and then you go on and it's just the biggest moron you've ever heard in your fucking life being like they could be here and here's a picture of a frying pan somebody threw up into the sky 45 years ago and nobody's explained it since it's a frying pan

well we've all got opinions um That happened about two years ago. Elliot was like, there's this documentary that some guy, Rogan, was talking about. You've got to watch it, Dan. You've got to fucking see this. Irrefutable fucking evidence of aliens. Somebody threw a plate up in the air and took a picture of it with a grainy camera.

And all of these people, from Joe Rogan to the guy, be like, how can you explain that? And you're like, I fucking... The danger of your influence is fucking terrifying, man. Just, oh. Always have to come back to Rogan. Oh, yeah, yeah. So the idea that I'm working on, that's real good.

Goes with other stuff I'm doing. I mean, look, if this doesn't happen, then that's when I'll go to stand up because the dream will be dead and I'll hate the process so much that me and this immensely talented writer, we've worked really hard on this project and it's really good and it's funny and it's dark

and it's horrible, but it's got heart and not seem much like it on television before. And the people who were pitching it to they seem really on board they seem really on our side it really feels like it like it's our ball to drop and we're not dropping the ball right they want it to happen we want it to happen so if it doesn't happen it's because of bureaucracy and that's when i'll just throw the biggest fucking professional tantrum of my career i'll throw all of the toys out the fucking pram. And I'm like, nah, I'm just

going back to dick jokes on the fucking road. That's it. That's all I'm doing. I cannot be broken again. There's only so many times you can be rejected by one gender before you go, fuck it.

Time to be gay. And that's how gays are are made but it's also how gays are cured i think if well no that bit that bit i was going to go down doesn't work because obviously obviously the insult and the wrongness in there was suggesting that like if enough men reject you then you just become a fucking lesbian. And then I was going to twist it so that it wasn't homophobic to be like, and then if you're gay and enough men reject you, then you go back to pussy. But I've never met a gay guy that couldn't get laid within 45 minutes of wanting to be laid because that's the advantages of hitting on men like they're just imagine just fucking hitting on someone as horny as you all the time i got lots of gay friends um because i'm so fucking woke because i'm so woke and because they let me say the f word um and it's about just the sex stories that they come out with being fucking straight compared to being gay and i wonder if

this i wonder if this is the same for lesbians i should have more lesbian friends um but you know i don't do mma so where am i gonna meet them you know i you know i i don't do MMA. So where am I going to meet them? You know, I don't know where the nearest woodworking shop is. I don't have calloused hands. I don't know where to meet them. I'm not into skateboarding. I don't even know lesbian stereotypes. I can't even do this fucking bit.

Like, man, I can give you all the gay stereotypes because they're my gay friends. Do I know any lesbians? I must know lesbians. Oh, yeah, of course I do. Zoe comes by. Oh, what am i oh no what am i talking about one of my closest friends is a lesbian i just forget that she's a lesbian because she was straight for ages and then she dabbled in pussy and she never went back and hey i get it i get it which is why i think we should ban lesbians get it i get it which is why i think we should ban lesbians gays i'm fine with that's not taking anything off the market but if girls knew how much better other girls were at fucking them than we were that's the end of the human race that's where i'm that's what i get i'm not look you can get

married to you can get married i'm not against same-sex marriages, I'm just against. Maybe this is when I suddenly become pro-bi. Not that I've ever been anti-bi, but also... I just don't believe that you're persecuted in the same way that gays are, right? Every time I see bi people on a march, march i'm like get to the back of the fucking line man you get to be in front of the pansexuals and that's it that's it um then people are like but there's there's biphobia i'm like yeah there is there's also still homophobia back of the fucking line but you can put on a disguise you can go back to it you're not repulsed

by pussy or dick you love both back of the fucking line that's where you go and guess what back of the line with all the other bi people right you'll have fun back there start kissing each other fucking freaking whoever you want all of. Just bumming each other. Not caring what hole you go in. Pansexuals. Too awkward to make their way around you. The Pride March is getting too far away. I don't want too much sex. Also, pansexuals.

What are you doing on Pride Marches? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's sexual celebration. What are you doing there? Being like, I don't like anything. Get the fuck. That's asexual.

Oh, fuck. Sorry, pansexuals. Came at you wrong. It's almost as if I'm ignorant as shit. Who's the, oh, pansexuals, they're attracted to everyone. Yeah. Pansexuals, you're still at the back.

You're dealing with bisexuals. Asexuals, you freaks. What are you doing? What do you mean nothing interests you come on come on i reckon you're pedos i reckon that's i don't mean that that's never never going down just just me being mean i just don't think you belong in the marches right wait what are you what are you asexuals what are you what are you doing on the Pride March? Just be like, yeah! None of this! Fucking none of it interests me!

Like a bulimic going to a food festival. I just don't get it. Mind you, I guess a bulimic might... Maybe that's the ideal place for them. That's my entrance on bulimia. God. I'm just being on bulimia. God. I'm just being offensive for the sake of being offensive now. After the last solo podcast,

Matthew came back in and was like, I think, I think it was good. My government was really good. Maybe we should make it a public episode. I don't like me losing my mind.

So I'll tell you what though, it's been nice not to be fucking interrupted and my jokes rolled over that's been nice also if you're wondering how Kai's doing I've got no idea

I see how many podcasts has he done he's done two I've listened to neither of them I text him once two nights ago

being like you need to get the VR when you get back and he's like I will and I was like good that's that um and then I'm not really asking how it's going and that's not because I don't care but just because in my head when I was on tour and my friends who weren't on tour messaged me hey how how's tour going? I would go, fuck off I'm on fucking tour leave me alone, I don't want

to think about my life I have back home that I'm missing, head down, get me through this, so it's not just being a neglectful friend, it's also in my head I'm like hold on to it, because I had another friend in a similar fucking vein

I had a friend in a similar fucking vein I had a friend who lost a family member years and years ago and they were like and I didn't send them a message after their family member died

because they were grieving and there's nothing anyone anyone can say to take away the pain of grief and then like

I met them three years later and they were like you didn't message me when my fucking family member died and i was like yeah yeah you man i fucking what were you doing reading your text like you and you made me a fucking funeral i don't know maybe that's insensitive but in my head if any of my family members dies you don't have to fucking text me i'm not gonna read them i'm not gonna fucking care i'm gonna be crying and drinking come around to the house say fucking hey be like hey put that down that bottle of whiskey and then watch that bottle of whiskey smash right two inches to the side of your head because how dare you tell me

to live my life while i'm grieving i don't i don't know maybe I just don't reach out to people because because they reply and then you're in a fucking conversation which just brings me to my best I'm my best friends but like there's people in my life who we message once every two months and I'm like that's ideal that's the perfect friendship hey how are you good and we give long updates right because it's been two months so it's like real updates this is what the kids are up to this is that i really enjoy that aspect i think that's a better way to catch up me and barrett freeburn spoken about it before it wasn't until cal wilson amazing australian comedian died two years ago fel cal wilson amazing australian comedian died two

years ago felicity wore another amazing australian comedian not dead she was best friends with cal wilson when cal died one of the things that felicity said in one of her many beautiful sentiments about cal was that her and cal would send each other just silly voice notes all the time like saying how much they loved each other but also just being dicks to each other and like when Cal passed that was a great source of like relief for Felicity to be able to listen to it was to go back and like read hear these voice hear her voice being silly saying all these fucking nice things and for all the people out there that fucking hate getting voice notes like i get it it is like hey i can't be arse texting so here's a stream of consciousness that you just have to listen to it's a one-sided voice of a one-sided phone call that you just have no interaction with i get your problem with that

but you do get to get instant revenge on that you do get to then just have a one-sided conversation back I think that's really nice I look forward to when Bart Freeburn dies and I have hours upon hours of him telling me exactly how much I love cum and what holes I love cum in and how much I drink cum and all of the very clever ways he's called me gay and all of the clever ways he's described how much I love taking dick in my ass I think that that I think that will bring me great fucking relief if he dies before me and I've got no doubt that if I die before him he will feel great relief of all of the really, really awful stuff that I will never repeat that I have said to him in return.

And then I'll skip the bit where we talk about fantasy novels and comedy and, you know, actually catch up with each other. I'll just listen to the fucking verbal abuse. Yeah, still, even solo, no fucking mic technique How long we done? Oh great, cool

Well that gives me definitely another fucking 10 minutes Any questions? No? Solo podcast? I wonder, maybe I took notes of things to say in the podcast I feel like I'm out to last week And not much has happened in my fucking life since Maybe I took notes of things to say on the podcast. I feel like I'm out of the last week. And not much has happened in my fucking life since. See if there's anything in the Discord.

Mm-mm-mm. No. Just more... My wife thinks... A lot of people in my life think I'm a fucking psychopath Just because I don't Back up I don't back up stuff on my phone Just because I can't be fucking arsed

I don't know where the cloud is I don't want another password to log in I take photos on my phone And then when I get a new phone I mentally say goodbye to all the photos in that phone And I'm just like Well, any of the good photos I'm sure I will have sent to people I love

Like all of my photos of my kids, my wife has Because I took them Well, I mean, she takes 90% of them But any of the good ones I took I sent to her And she backs everything up So they're there I very rarely

Transfer fucking data over Between phones I much prefer the like This phone's dead Cool Out the fucking window Brand new phone Oh man

That's annoying None of the apps I have to distract myself are on it Oh well Now I just have a fucking slab A useless fucking slab. Though I do get jealous because Can has got the TimeHop app because she's a 47-year-old boomer.

And it is really nice to, like, have... Like, every day she'll show me what Caitlin was up to a year ago, like, what size he was, like, what he was doing. And that's really nice to have. And people are like, well, you could have that. And I'm like, I do.

My wife does that. Like if neither of us did it, one of us would have to fucking step up. But because of my toxic incompetence in the aspect, Cara backs up all folks so much. And gets And gets Oh there's a question for you Unless there's any questions From the Discord

Matthew What sorry? Have you sorted your Christmas present for Kirsty? Yes Yeah You're doing Christmas presents? Yeah

Every fucking year My wife We had a budget of A hundred pounds Because we wanted to save money yeah 100 pounds is still a fair fucking fair fucking way yeah but i knew she wasn't going to stick to it so i'm already at 200 oh really great communication i just no i just know she's not she could not stick to 100 yeah my wife is exceptional at buying presents and that used to be all for me.

There was one Christmas, 2019, where she did, instead of like one big present, she did like 24 fucking days of gifts, right? Which was wild, right? Some were small, some were cheap, some were nice, but they were all thoughtful as fuck. Every day was just something nice and amazing. And I did the typical man thing of like, oh, you put lots of thought and time and effort into that gift. Allow me to throw money at something and pretend that's the same amount of effort. Can't remember what I got her, but I'm sure she loved it. And then we had kids.

And all of that energy has gone into our kids, which is not a complaint for me. That's where it belongs. That's where it should be. I want our kids to be like, oh, I just love Christmas, right? Makes me very sad when people don't like Christmas. Because everyone who doesn't like Christmas has a really sad backstory, right?

It's never like a choice. It's like shitty family, shitty time of year, loneliness. It's never good. I get very's like shitty family, shitty time of year, loneliness. It's never good. I get very sad when people don't like Christmas. My mum,

all through our fucking childhood, if there was anyone in the neighbourhood who didn't have a good Christmas, she would always invite those people over for our Christmas to share Christmas because, you know, if you can cure someone's hatred of Christmas

and dislike of Christmas and bring a little bit of fucking hope back, it's great. So we want to just keep doing that. My wife's putting all the energy into getting our kids presents. And for the past fucking three years, this bitch keeps being like, this year we're not doing Christmas presents. And I'm like, shove that thought directly up your fucking arse.

We are doing Christmas gifts for each other. I never want us to not give gifts to each other. Even if it's budgeted, which I think is a great idea, even if it's small, even if it has to be something that you've got to fucking make, I always want us to give each other Christmas presents because I sway between absolutely fucking

nailing Christmas and going too far or shitting the absolute fucking bed. I think it was the, oh, that was it, yeah, the 2019 Christmas where she bought me all those thoughtful things, I bought her it was

going to be like, I think we were going on the trip to Bali which is obviously spenny and then tickets to go see the Book of Mormon because you hadn't seen that and then a bunch of like little stupid gifs of just like in't seen that and then a bunch of like little stupid

gifs of just like in-jokes and stuff and then Covid happened so I got her fuck all technically ballet didn't happen, Book of Mormon didn't happen it was all those shitty gifs didn't really make up for that

and then I think my birthday, she threw, I mean, I can tell this now because fucking lockdown's over. My wife threw a music festival for me in our garden

where like fucking only 16 people turned up and they were arms reach from each other. It was about 50 people, 50 of my friends in our back garden for a fucking three day massive bender at our house with fucking bouncy castles

and silent discos and then I think for that birthday God I think I got like a pair of Uggs or something I was really shit I had two stinkers

in a row and then I acknowledged it she wasn't upset she was just like eh well I guess he's shit at presents and then that was worse her wasn't upset she was just like hey well I guess he's shit present and then that was worse her having the expectation of me giving her shit presents that

made me feel like shit so I did the typical man thing of I overcorrected and I was like send me a list of ideas and she was like great here's a list of ideas and then come Christmas day I'd bought her all of those and she was like well that's not what I fucking meant I meant one of these things and I'm like well doesn't that make up for the past two years of shitty gifts and she was like no no it does not this has actually annoyed me further because now you've spent way more than you ever should have spent on me at one time when you could have spread it out over the years women logic it's women money So this year, she walked into a slushy machine and those sold out so fucking instantly.

So instantly. And do you know why? Because Ninja fucking Slushy allowed people to buy two. Two. It's not fucking Oasis tickets. Who needs two fucking slushy machines? Are you running an Ode odian it's one per fucking customer until you tell the fucking people in thailand to make more and while we're at it

while i don't agree at all right with child labor loss right and like going overseas right and paying people fuck all in your sweatshops to make things. If you are going to do that, though, make more. Now, I don't know if Ninja does have sweatshops. Google that. Do Ninja have sweatshops? I bet they do. Where's all their stuff made? And don't trust what they say.

Find out what country it's made in, and then I'll make a racist stereotype in my head about whether they have sweatshops there because i'll tell you when they call the company ninja i'm going to give you one clue as to where i think that company's from based on purely racial stereotypes ninja ninja correct that is where my mind went Go on Can't really find anything I'll tell you what, I'll ask chat GPT Well that's the problem

I was looking it up Google gave its AI overview And it was like, oh Nike Has sweatshop concerns Ninja The Review and it was like oh Nike Has sweatshop concerns Ninja The They're made in China Well

And Hold while I just google China human rights And see what's up yeah And I was right Um Yeah Just make more Yeah, yeah. And I was right. Yeah. Just make more.

My wife wants a fucking ninja slushie machine. Why are you selling two per customer? Nobody needs fucking two, right? That means I can now buy one for like heaps of fucking money on eBay from the cunts that you let technically get a free ninja slushie machine and 250 quid. You didn't, that's all you've done, Ninja. That's all you've done. If you allow people to buy two Ninja slushie machines, somebody buys them for 189, right? And then they sell it on eBay for,

I don't know, five, 600 fucking quid. Now they've made 420 profit. Oh wait, 420 profit. Nice. All right. I respect it. If it's drug reference alright I respect it if it's drug reference I respect it okay fair enough fair enough you've played me again ninja and that's twice you've broken my fucking heart um they have a code of ethics but so does everything yeah I fucking bet they do oh wait wait wait hold on when you say ninja has a code of ethics do you does everything yeah I fucking bet they do oh wait wait wait

hold on when you say ninja has a code of ethics do you mean the company or actual ninjas because you could be confused there because I reckon

ninjas have a code of ethic which is no throwing stars in the balls you can slit someone's throat

100% absolutely fine you can stab someone's door to send a fucking message but don't be throwing throwing stars at balls man that's a dick move

that's not and that's also a South Park episode actually now that I think about it fuck fuck nothing's original I'm not original

oh what science think Jess will next new special real good real good don't know if it's his best like I mean so many of the jokes

in it are are up there with his best but i think anthony's at this exceptional stage in his career where because his writing is so important because he's just perfect this onstage persona and this enviable arrogance which i love the ability to after a fucking gag to turn the mic away from your fucking face and to just you know put your fucking gun down on the table throw it away like that's always that's all that's always a symbol of power for me and stand-up comedy too like you you're laughing so much and you're enjoying this so much i'm going to take the one thing that gives me power over you which is this thing that makes my voice fucking bigger and you could come at me you could do anything you've got the opportunity to break the illusion to you know to to see us as equals and none of you fucking take it. He's even pointing the mic at you

to be like, fucking, you can have it. Oh, love it. I think he's, you know, he's absolutely one of the fucking greats. I love this Norm Macdonald story at the end. I thought that was fucking superb. But because of his persona, because of the fucking arrogance,

now, I just feel like his special is five jokes shorter than it normally is because like not that he was ever fucking gag gag gag but like and not that he ever rolled over the audience but because he was trying to prove himself well i guess that's it i guess that's the whole thing you know not that he's not fucking hungry anymore but he's got the luxury of time and fucking patience so i guess i i mean I am congratulating him for it. None of this is, I don't know, I guess it's just as a fan. Oh, that was the other thing.

Kai was talking about a while ago, the YouTube channel of, what's it fucking called? Something to do with comedians where they break down a bunch of fucking comedians. There it is. Comedy Without Errors, one of my favourite YouTube channels. Just this British guy

who expertly breaks down comedians and comedy specials and if he were to ever come near any of my stuff and I was to get the YouTube notification that ever come near any of my stuff and i was to get the youtube notification that he talked about any of my stand-up i would kill myself in front of both of my children to save myself from the uh shame and the fear of his incision like uh critique uh i love him i i you know he's you know he breaks down really bad specials, he breaks down why specials are really good,

he's just great, he's got a bit of a hard on for James Acaster, which makes me sad, but nobody's fucking perfect, he did one of John Mulaney, his last special, and I was so happy, because even though I love John Mulaney,

I had problems with that special, and he said it all. Which is, there was no, not no, but there was very little real John Mulaney in Baby J to go through that public and fucking breakdown to leave your wife,

who you spoke about adoringly, four fucking specials for olivia man and then have a kid with her to not mention any of that is wild to me and this goes into in the comedy without errors goes into a great thing of like you know maybe we're the problem of we want comedians to like bear their fucking souls too much and i get maybe that maybe maybe that is me wanting them to just be fucked to like suffer pain and for not suffer pain but to like be open about the pain and to bear his fucking soul and then john and then to be fair in all the interviews afterwards john mulaney was like i'm just there to make people laugh and don't get me wrong he did baby jay's great special, it's funny as fuck, Joe Mulaney is leagues ahead of me, so it's, but I

don't know, I guess it's just, it's like the special that Louis CK did, after all the stuff that came out about him being a fucking creep, you know know not only was I disappointed by his actions and what he'd fucking done and who he turned out to be but I was also really disappointed with the special afterwards because for a man whose entire career was owning his fucking shame and going on stage and talking about how shameful and gross and awful he was and just really opening that to the audience to then have the ability to go on stage after all of the fucking creepy weird shit that you did and then own that gross stuff and explain it and somebody who has the ability the craftsmanship to be like this is why what i did was wrong

this is why what i did was gross this is what it says about me as a human being and i think this is why i acted this way and this stems from this could have been a really fucking interesting special but instead he just came out and he was like i think the kids who fucking complain about getting shot at the parkland thing were a bunch of dweebs and you're like oh man i'm fucking i missed the fucking mark that fucking stank i just feel similar sort of obviously less creepy related disappointment from the Mulaney special none of that from Anthony Jesselnik I just think I just want more Anthony Jesselnik

jokes and there's no way that cunt's not doing 75 on the road give me a fucking haul baby alright well yep that's the end of my man I can't believe fucking people Have enjoyed that

If you have, that's wild, thank you I mean, I enjoy it, but that's because I'm a narcissist Who loves the sound of his own voice And And it's nice to fucking talk I mean, this is, this is like Deep down This is what I wanted therapy to be

When I went to therapy Which is just me talking while being paid myself without the therapist giving me advice which I guess is my job as a stand-up actually now that I fucking think about it but this isn't what I like about stand-up this is a laugh-free fucking environment so it's like one of Kai's gigs no I'm not fucking He said nice things about this He was like hey man really loved the solo episode And there's me being like hey man I wish I could say the same about you and Connor's episode

But I've not listened to them Because I'm still catching up On Critical Role I tell you what I'll get a guest For next week it'll be Cullen It'll be fucking Cullen. Gareth Waugh has a baby due soon. Very exciting.

Will I be the godfather of that kid? Godfather of the other one? Have I done enough in these two years to be godfather of this one? Who knows? We'll find out. If I'm not questions questions oh most fucking importantly thisley cross the great joyous people at thisley cross have been kind enough to

give us a december quote right which means enough of you fuckers bought this stuff or they're thrown it away uh which i can't believe because this is the best. The code for December is Thistley Sloss December. This is the perfect month to buy it. The roads are icy, so you shouldn't be out in them, right? Just stay at home. Oh, Daniel, I've got work.

It's fucking December, man. No, you don't. No, you don't. Everyone's shying up for fucking christmas stay at home get drunk i can't come into work today it's snowing i live next door to you it's not snowing you're at work what would you know it's a snow cloud right above my fucking house you wanker stay at home get responsibly drunk buy this for friends if you've got any friends that like fucking cider you want a wee fucking stonking filler hey leave one out for santa i guarantee you this is what santa wants left out right he

wants a cookie and he wants a thistley cross cider thistleycrosscider.co.uk and using the promo code thistley sloss december will get you a 10 discount this is my last of the rum casks so i'm gonna go myself onto the website after this and order myself one of these because that's how much i fucking love it so cheers you