Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Put-Put Pro

Episode Date: February 21, 2025

Humphries finally emerges from the gutter after an innings that might have retired him. The boys reflect on the weekend that caused the damage. Cream is convinced Muggins is the butt of a practical joke from Mark Nelson which he refuses to register. Matty takes some flack for his actions on the sesh.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or a Magical Beat Cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11?

I suppose he'd been pretty sick then, Kara was just telling us there were fucking side effects from the antibiotics and that. Alright, so we took him in with our bloody cock. Really our bloody cock. And there's no infection at all, just like, could have been an impact. Could have been an impact, like he does jump into the swimming pool, like fucking Super Mario trying to get a fucking mushroom out of a brick above his head, like jumps up,

arms up in the air, his legs sprayed and just fucking dives in the water like that, dick first, so it could be a bit of trauma. There was no bleeding afterwards. All the traces of blood they found in his urine wasn't like fucking fresh blood or anything, and it's literally been a week now. Are we rolling by the way?

Is this just a conversation? Oh yeah. So we gave him the antibiotics, which was a whole fucking thing. And then he just started getting sick off the antibiotics. And even the doctors, when they sent us away, they were like, we can't find an infection. So this might not do anything.

We might be treating nothing here. So. Piss and blood, like that's like, that's our real concern, lad. Well, to be fair, I probably got myself to blame, I should have stopped letting him fuck Doc Horse. Ah yeah, the Doc Horse always have you. It's the only way, I wanna raise a man.

You get scabs and say, you, you're from Dockhaws. It's probably you need to get the umbrella up there and pull the scabs out. Yeah, I'm trying to explain to him that really. Not even the medical equipment. I don't think it counts as sex, if it's with a sex worker. No, same way that shooting a target on a gun range

isn't murder. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I think that will hold up in court. I don't think it will even hold up on the left wing. I've been pathetic by the way. I've been like... You know what? That was probably the best session I've ever had in my life. I don't even know how fated you were on. It cost us. And the fourth day we were all having fucking pints.

I knew it was just that. Yeah, just a bit of clapping from the NHS. I was like, did you miss the wee applause breaks for you during Covid? They're like, what? I'm like, when everyone used to go outside and bang their pants together to thank you for your service, you're like, what are you on about? And I was like, well, you've been nursing that pint for a couple of days.

Fucking killing me. It was me breakfast pint on day four of the sesh. And I was fucking first one up. Like, I was honestly, that one, that might have been my last hurrah that. Because I led the charge for four straight days. Right. First one up, last one to bed, four straight days. Not just with anyone, but like some of the people that can bang the most that I know for me like, Matty there, Matty wasn't there was he?

Fucking Matty. Let's talk about Matty. What was that? Did you mention about what he did with the packet on the last podcast? I haven't listened to it yet. Oh no, no I haven't. Wait, let's just change his name for this.

Matthew. He bailed so hard, right? So he was one of the last ones standing on day one of the podcast. I'm all over the place, Daniel. Day one of the stag, right? It was me, Gareth, him and arguably Elliot, but only because it was in Elliot's room. Poor motherfucker was trying to get to sleep. But he was there and he would get you to bed and have his lady. It's like how Africa was part of World War II.

It's just because colonies were there. We were like, hey, this is our country. And the doctor was like, well, this is going to be our country. And the doctor was like, this is our country. And all the Africans were there like, hey, fuck off. That's exactly what it was. Fuck off! That's exactly what I knew it was. So there's four of us that were still up on the last day and we all went to bed at the

same time and we just went, right, we're fucking that's the night done. The fucking sun's coming up, we're going to hear the birds. In about two hours after this, me and Barry went for a lovely breakfast. And I joined you. I wasn't that far behind you. On day one, day two you were. Day one, I was, you were still eating your breakfast when I turned up.

So, yes you were. I'm not nursing your breakfast, pussy. Yeah, there's one thing I know that's- For three hours. Who nurses bacon. Oh man, so, like don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting- The answer's a bit. I'm not expecting the world's best breakfast

from like just like the first place, the first pub you walk into in Amsterdam on a fucking Friday, right? But they were real good. They had a big meat one, heaps of sausages, heaps of bacon. Bacon was nice and crispy, right? Beans were good. There's the thing that they-

The beans, the fucking gallon of beans that they just plunked in a fucking gravy train in the middle of your breakfast. It's just the correct, the correct amount of beans that they just plunked in a fucking gravy train in the middle of your breakfast. It's just the correct, the correct amount of beans to give. If the two options are a gravy boat of beans or a tomato ketchup container of beans, which for some reason all fucking hotels are like, you want seven beans with your nine bits of free toast we gave you, don't you? That's just what you want. You're like, I'd like actually more than that.

They gave the gravy bowl. And then it's like, have any amount of beans you want, don't worry about wastage. Yeah, it's good. We got beans for fucking days here. Do you want some toast? Right. Somebody whisper, somebody whisper the word fire

to bits of bread, please. I swear to God, this toast was texted fire emojis and then sent out I think that's how they toasted I think they toasted it with a torch on their iPhone fucking honestly would have been more crisper if they put on a sundae I loved that barkers I got recognized straight away the barman there was a Toon fan and he watched us on TNT Sport the week before. And he knew who I was, I've been in a whacknid. Well I had to have like a weird, because I've not done stand up, well I've really done stand up for so fucking long.

It was similar to like in Covid, there just became a point where I stopped feeling like a comedian anymore. And even though I'm very proud to be a comedian, there's also the shame of like being a comedian. Or like the embarrassment and like bringing it up. More often than not if somebody asked me what my job is and I know it's gonna be a seven to ten minute interaction I'll lie about my job. Oh yeah, haircut you're not mentioning in a haircut you're not mentioning in a taxi. No, no, not in those places. We get into that bar and the bartender was like, I like your jumper.

I was like, thank you. She said, where's that from? I'm like, oh, Philip DeFranco is a podcaster. Says March. And he gave it to me. She's like, why is a podcaster giving you his gear? I'm like, you know what, fuck it, I've not. I've probably been a comedian for fucking almost a year

at this point. I'm like, I'm actually a comedian. I do comedy. I tell standup comedy jokes. These are all my comedian friends. We all were all just being comedians together. And then the joining guy was like, are you down your sauce?

And I was like, see, I knew it. All it took is me to own it. And then, and then, and then she was like, oh, that's great. Would I enjoy your stuff? And I'm like, not a fucking chance. Let's just leave it there. Let's just, let's leave it at me telling you I do comedy somebody confirming

I do comedy and you not witnessing any of my daddy to deny the fact that I do comedy Yeah, just like listen this is from pool of mouse. That's all you need to know Still get that sometimes with a like friends of what else what else do you do? Yeah, well, yeah, that's a hard one Is that all that you do then? Yeah, let me tell you then, does it? Careful, careful, why I order? So I really like having a nice car now. Just a little bit of validation.

So Matty, right, didn't really show up until about five on the second day after trying to bang with me and car and then disappeared at 7 went for a shit Yeah, and during that shit flight home and left the next day, right? The man fucking coward and out of a stag do stag do. I think he took a ship in Amsterdam and then wanted to race it to Birmingham because I don't know if you know this, but when you flush the cheese anywhere in Europe. Yeah, it just goes to Birmingham.

Yeah, direct, direct lane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what the Romans did. They were like, we're gonna expand, right? And we're just gonna find a place to just put all of our shit and then they were to Birmingham and they saw it so they just went hello and they went I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do I'll do Yeah, I bet you in World War II were like, oh no, don't bomb Birmingham. Oh no.

Lights out across the UK, right, whenever they are. Can I chuck the power of lights on? Can everyone just have the recording podcast studio lights on outside just so we can, all high beams. I think during World War II, they actually flew, they flew helicopters for the first time with searchlights on them just to point out Birmingham to the Nazis. Absolutely decoy. Yeah. Decoys City, that's all it is. Yeah. There's no way people actually have that fucking accent. Like with the Scouts,

I get why they have that accent, it's part of the personality. You know what, it's not as bad as it once was because of Peaky Blinders and since then Jude Bellingham's doing it a good service. It's actually had a real fucking glow up that accent. It's really hard one still to push but like too many cool people in the last decade have had it. I don't know if that's, I don't know if I agree with you there. Cause I couldn't watch Peaky Blinders. You don't watch Peaky Blinders, you don't care for Jude Bellingham.

Couldn't watch Peaky Blinders. Because of the accent. Because of the fucking accent. Yeah, it took me a little while cause I watched one episode and went, can't listen to that. Oh, that's disgusting. But then like, again, like with Shit's Creek

where I didn't give it much of a chance until I heard everyone banging on about it. I dived back in and I was like, all right, is class. Yeah, it's just bailing him from Birmingham. I Yeah, they retired his shirt number. Yeah, when he left them city you play for Birmingham City. Yeah what them fucking went straight to real No, he went to Bruce your dormant. So we did of course he did So my Because he bailed, because he'd left early, he still had a full bag. And then, in you, I just think, I'll just tell you what, push it under me hotel room. He didn't at all. No. He woke up and went, by the way, I'm about to leave, I'm going home.

If anyone wants this extra bag of drugs, let me know, right? And I'm just sat on my bed watching Beast Games. Wait for Barry to wake up. Text me. Beast Games? What the fuck's Beast Games? This is gonna be, Kai is not gonna know who the most famous man in the world is. We're all about to experience.

Do you know who Mr. Beast is? Oh, I have heard of him. Is that the guy that only eats liver? No. He only eats liver and that. No, that's the liver king. Aye, I do know him, don't I? That's not Mr. Beast. No. That's the liver king. Aye, I do know him then. That's not the Mr. Beast. No. That's the liver

king. Aye, I guess I don't know Mr. Beast. Aye. Is Mr. Beast the one that like gans to like a remote place and gans like oh I'm in fucking New Guinea. His mouth that's remote. We'll just go in the middle of fucking nowhere for a bit. No, it's Bear Grylls. Man that's not Bear Grylls I'm thinking of. Okay go on who's the most famous youtuber. Well like we're toddler thinking of. Okay, go on, who's Mr. Beast? He's just the most famous YouTuber. We're toddler on that. No, across any country in the world, go and say the word Mr. Beast out loud and watch anyone on YouTube.

Oh, is it like one of these guys that'll end up on fucking wrestling, like I Show You Speed or whatever? Way more famous than I Show Speed. Right, but like that kind of guy, but is there a reason that I've absolutely ignored his existence or is he cool? He seems cool, I mean,. Right, but like that came the guy, but there is a reason that I've like absolutely ignored his existence or is he cool? He seems cool, I mean, he seems, no, he's not cool.

He's not cool. He's not cool anymore. There was a time when he was cool. Yeah, he was cool for a while. He's like a big philanthropist, but he's been like exposed over the last six months of like lying. Was he?

Yeah, being a terrible boss. Bunch of people that work with them and around them are all sexual abusers and child molesters. And he's called Mr. Beast. No, you're going to hate the show. So it's Beast games then, is it like Squid games? Yeah, yeah, they put three kids in an island with all of his friends.

Just to see what happens. Just at Epstein Island. He bought Epstein's Island. Aye. Aye. It's just that Beast Games is just squid games, but with like $10 million prize fund, 1000 people. Like, aye.

So like it's a knockout? Beast, yeah, but like bigger. Because you're not gonna do actual squid games, like the legislation would be ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, so it's just like a big, big version of that. So they've gotta just do like a, whatever, like one of that. It is, it's a knockout, isn't it? Where like they're running along the inflatable things.

No, it's not that, it's more, I mean, there's a bit of kind of assault courses. Like Ninja Warrior? No, it's more, I mean, it's you're closer with skips quick games way closer with square games right here's one game it's gonna eliminate 50% people here's another game that's gonna limit and also y'all fucking Joe that other over and stuff and it's just yanks being fucking pushed to our trials yeah yeah yeah alright so so much hope but he is. I'm in bed. Because I'm aware of that name.

I just thought it was the liver guy. Like I'm aware of his existence. No, Liver King was, Liver King's downfall was so great because it's the epitome of what right wing grifters are. Right? Epitome. Epitome.

Right, Liver King goes, I've got this fucking ripped, amazing, massive bod purely from eating liver and raw meat, right? And everyone on the left went, those are steroids. And he went, nah, uh-uh, not me, just liver, just meat. And then people in the center were like, hey man, was a fan of your stuff, I believe in like positive mental health, go to the gym.

Those are steroids, right? And everyone on the right went and being like, fucking left, trying to tear gym. Those are steroids, right? And everyone on the right would be like fucking left trying to tear down all of our gods bit by fucking pit. And then some guy came out and was like, hey, I've sold the liver king 500,000 pounds worth of steroids in the past six years. And then liver king came out and was like, hey, I've got to acknowledge the rumors.

You know, like the facts. The rumors. Yeah, I'm facts. The rumors. Yeah. I'm going, everything I told you was a lie. Eating liver all the time. Won't make you ripped. It's only steroids that does this and ignoring your kids.

I'm real bad, but this is typical of the left. They talk about wanting to save people's mental health and they want to drag me, a self-made con artist millionaire, down to the ground because of the lies I told you retards and I told them aye. You can't call them that words, that's my word for them. So in order to pay for my law funds because I'm being sued, I need all your retard money again so I can pay for more steroids. Has he gone now then? No, the right wing are still like god damn the left for

trying to bring down the liver king. Bring down the liver king. Yeah. Ah, well, I'm sure they'll be fine, a lot of them. So I'm in bed, watching regular beast games, just getting to the end of it. Mike puts that message out, I'm not replying to it. I'm not in the mood for any more drugs at that point. You owe me a bag. Fucking aw.

You're fucking gutting it with that binary. I cannot believe that you still believe it. You're the only one that's still doing this. You have been conned by every single person on that trip. You've been called by every single person on that trip. The only person to believe. She's what happened right? I was on fire like it's mad tonight. It's mad. I can get down here. I could phone Martin Nelson right now. Let's get Martin Nelson phoned up on this podcast but let's lay it down what happened first right because I was like I was hitting every like every hole

I was getting in the two right. What was crazy golf? What fucking like this? It's all like neon lights and shit, right? But Matthew I took the mushrooms right on time He's not even told the story correctly. He doesn't remember the day. I took the mushrooms right on time What do you think your story is right now, considering he's giving you zero backstory, zero context? What are you panicking? I'm not panicking. I'm just laying down. You cannot tell the story.

I took mushrooms at the perfect time to go to Crazy Golf, right? And when I got there, like, see there was like a chest, like made of kind of like refurbished wood like this, like made of barnacles. And they painted it with like neon, like purple. And I just couldn't stop staring at it because it's flowing like lava it was mint like everything that meet the eye was class and and I was like when I was taking my

shot I was just like taking a fucking punt at it it would rattle around and land the other hole and then I just put it in I was getting twos everywhere and then there was a bit where there's a backlog and when those eyes on it I got a bit self-conscious and fucking missed a couple of shots right and everyone just remembers that right and so when I got the top score everyone's like eh but I saw you fucking nothing like one of the it took us about four shots to get this hole in and everyone watched us miss twice before I got it so that was the only time I missed any of the shots and and people saw

it so everyone like Daniel's assuming that Mark didn't give us the correct score. But he gave us the correct score. You got to ring him. Absolutely. No, no, no. Cause I'm not going to get an honest answer out of Mark. I would call everyone else on the stag. Here's what actually took place, right? As we explained on the other podcast with Cullen, we have to go around the three of us, so groups of four have to go around with one mini golf thing. I say to everyone, right, we're all at fucking mini golf to make it fucking interesting. Whoever wins, right, gets 100 euros or a bag of gear, right? Just make this fucking fun.

We're going around. I'm taking it so seriously. It's the one part of the stag do what I'm like, focus. It's a fucking mini game. It's great. And also, also that end one, everyone was spaffing the end shot because it's the one part of the stag do what I'm like focus it's a fucking mini-game it's great and also also that end one everyone was spaffing the end shot because it's like you have to get it in one and I got it in one and I got it in one right cool right so we're going around so that's how you got ahead and beat everybody oh my god because everyone took nine shots on the last one and I took

one and I'd been getting everything in two. It's remarkable. You ain't even watching us play golf. It's remarkable how gullible you are. You ain't even watching us play golf. I find it shocking how easily gaslit you are and how egotistical you are that for it to fully delete the entire memory of your brain, all it took was Mark Nelson doing a bit

and you'd been like, well, it must be true. It must be true. I was as shocked as everyone, to be honest. You fucking should be. So we get to the end. I have literally only done ones and twos. There's not a single three, there's not a single extra shots.

It's been holes and ones and twos. Oh, holes and ones, I can't believe the fact now you never mentioned them previously. There's no holes and ones and twos. Oh holes and ones, I've come out of the bag now, you never mentioned them previously. There's no holes and ones ever, not a single hole and one, just the end one which actually took you two, I watched it. So we're going round, we're doing the scores, right Gareth, decent innings. Gareth was on my team. Decent innings, yeah he was and that's why he knows you didn't fucking win. Gareth thinks that. Everyone thinks that!

It was a bit! It was a bit that you were like, oh well if the bit is I'm the best, then it can't be a bit. This must be true. This must be true. It was a bit the whole time. We got to the end.

I'm looking at the scores. You're so angry about losing, by the way. Oh my God. I don't know anyone who loses so bad. It's not even just that you're wrong. You didn't lose the key of second. You didn't even lose. You got 28. You think every single person there, right, thinks you win. When they don't, everyone was coming out and be like, Kai genuinely thinks he's won. And that's funny because it annoys Sloss. So we're just going to keep this bit going. Right.

And everyone was telling me that. Because if they thought it was a joke that was annoying you Then they would have played along with it because it annoys you they wouldn't be Passively were why they were playing along with it. That's you've absolutely you've absolutely nailed it Playing along so you're just assuming they're playing along is that mark you're ringing He's not ringing mark. he's ringing Gareth. He's ringing somebody who knows to be an ally. Somebody who didn't create the bit. He's already poisoned them.

Ring Mark. I'm not ringing Mark. Mark's the only one that actually knows. But then we can go Mark. We can get Mark jokes over, you can be honest now. No, because in this context, him saying it's true true is still funny because I'm not wound up by losing I'm wound up by you being the only person that thinks you want genuinely everyone else knowing it a bit So it's well within marks interest to wind me up to keep that bit going

You know, he's like he's like an insurance company. That doesn't want to pay up Like oh, yeah, you're only insured on that car for personal use not for driving to work fucking constant like a fucking maid Pave insurance just fucking pay me fucking turn it up in GTA being like I crashed my car in the game Can you give me insurance on that in real life? It didn't happen. You were living in a fucking fantasy world I think you've built a reality that that suits you Get to you that's giving give away drugs I cannot believe how quickly you took to the lie just here we go hello mate

oh did I my bad sorry mate just just a quick question What are the chances that Kai actually won the mini-golf in Amsterdam? Zero. Right, right. So do you agree maybe with my little theory that Mark Nelson completely made up Kai's score just to annoy me and then everyone joined in on the bit? Is that a fair assessment? I think that's very obvious. Garry, are you only saying this because I fell over? You fell over in the 11th hole? Aye, cause I said floor was lava.

In our group? You weren't even like third in our group. Thank you! I fell over cause I said floor was lava, then fell in it immediately. Also, that's not true. You fell over and then you came up with that bit after. You rewrite your own history.

I said Flo's lava and then I went to stand on the bricks and I fell off the bricks into the lava. And you went to tee up and you fell over placing your ball. Thank you. That doesn't count as a shot though. It was like an old man because we all went, oh. That doesn't count as a shot, Gareth. That doesn't get against me score, Gareth. That doesn't get against what you score, mate. That can happen now and that can win the golf, Gareth.

He's come in here, I can't express to you how much he genuinely, actually with his heart, thinks he won that game. No, he didn't. He holds his coke, Gareth. How could you watch me play with you and still think you beat me? Exactly, you didn't even beat Gareth. You didn't even win your group. I was in the zone.

You were not. I was on my shoes. I was getting geometric patterns and that and the fucking lines were drawn for us on the earth. Delusional. Thanks, man. Also, I'm very sorry for fucking up. He's refusing to, only because you're another one that got pumped, Gareth,

when you're just as angry as Daniel. He's refusing to ring Mark. Because Mark will continue the bit, because the bit, Mark's bit exists to annoy me. Are the pairies? That's how it is, bitterness. Right, thanks mate, I'll speak to you soon. Two angry men, I think they're going to go. Bye. Right, there we go.

No, that's not conclusive. It's not conclusive at all. It's so funny as well, that you're like, I chose to fall over because I invented the Florida's Lava game. I fucking did. I didn't invent Florida's Lava game. You fell over, and everyone was making fun of you,

and then you spun it to be like, oh no, I was playing Florida's Lava. And then everyone laughed at that. Why? And now you've sealed that in as the memory of what actually took place. It's not just lies around you. Why are you trying to make us all absorb it in?

You know where there's like the bricks on the side of the thing. I went, Oh, Flo's lava and stood on it and then fell off it immediately. And it just looked like I went Flo's lava and then dive into lava. That's what was funny about it. I did fall though. That was a legit fall in the lava. I was like, ooh, ah, ah. Hot!

And then took me short, bang straight in. It's also mad to think a man who, in what other world have you ever beaten me in many golf? Stone Cold Sober, me completely fucked. Just had a good day, didn't I? So, I mean, to be fair, fair play play Nelson, because the bet still winds me up. And it's because you make fucking Nick was good as well. Did he get a good score? Everyone most people, I was watching Phil Ellis. I was like, man, I've known you for 15 years. I had no idea you were shite at golf. Didn't even think about it to be honest, but I know I think about it.

I would have said that if I wasn't smashing it. Would I fuck? Would you have been delusional if there was plenty of evidence to suggest that it wasn't the case? There may actually be CCTV footage from that day. I would pay through the fucking nose. Oh, I bet you would. That's what you're fucking lying for, so you don't have to pay through the nose. The call to walk out there.

Where's my bag of coke? Oh yeah, the bag of coke I famously gave to ninth place. I started trying to book a limo back, as you know, it was a long walk. I was going, ah, since I'm the winner, I'll book a limo. And I was on the Uber, I half trying to get a fucking limo. I just didn't have the capacity to do it because I was so fucked. I don't know if they do.

I couldn't figure out what they do. Yeah, I feel like the ratio of like, how many stag do's go to Amsterdam compared to how many hen do's is like 10 to one. Oh yeah. You're not getting a great deal of hen parties in Amsterdam are you? Yeah. What gay boy was I talking to the day that we were? L.A.S. movies? No, an actual gay boy. A real gay. Matty? No, full on gay boy. I don't think it was Craig Hill, but we were talking about like whether there's male sex workers in Amsterdam. Ah, about to

be. Well, yeah. Tom's probably fucked a couple of them thinking they're women. Yeah. But I also think like if you're in Amsterdam and you want fucking really dirty sex with a bloke grinder, just turn on grinder. That's they've got the advantage for it. Yeah. You probably didn't need to pay for it if you're gay. No, like unless you've got a thing of like I Yeah, you probably don't need to pay for it, do you, if you're gay. No, like unless you've got a thing of like, I specifically, like if it's like, oh, I want it to be like a sex worker.

And there are male sex workers in Amsterdam. They're just not in the windows. And I get that because I don't think like women who want sex workers are... Just going in. And just board it up. Right. Man, if there were, if there were male sex workers in the windows in Amsterdam, right, we would be flying there on the 4.30 flight to Amsterdam.

And I would be paying you to challenge every single one of them to mini golf. Right. And if you'd be a single sex worker at mini golf, I would give you a bag of cocaine. I wouldn't even take cash out when I was there. I get your rematch with fucking pleasure. Wild to me. Double or quits quits, 10 to one or quits. There's not a world where you fucking mini golf. There is. I'll have coke, I'll have weed, I'll get drunk. You can train for five days. New patron special. You're left handed and bong eyed.

Who are you kidding? Aye, but when I take mushrooms. What do you think mushrooms is? Do you think mushrooms is the water from Space Jam? Good point actually. You're fighting my argument. Yeah, Daniel. Honestly, you could stand, right? I could watch Nat and Natalie do a marathon, right?

And be at the end and be in the last kilometre Natalie's fucking getting there right running beside her giving the encouragement just to get over the line if you were to hand Kai the medal at the finish line his brain would go I just did the marathon in my jeans what time was that? Fucking hell when I do a marathon in my jeans I'm as fast as Natalie is. That's a bad analogy because I'm actually pretty good at running. In jeans? I mean I has no right I could do a marathon in my jeans. Yeah yeah yeah.

It would be awful. It would be recovering. It would be fucking awful and my legs would be ripped to shreds I reckon I've got it in us Psychologically, I reckon you can If Natalie did five kilometers that would be a better achievement than me doing a marathon. I You could beat me in a marathon in jeans while I was in full. Yeah full. Yeah, I'm embarrassing. Yeah 41 Also Well, I was in full. Yeah full. Yeah, I'm embarrassed. Yeah 41 Also, I'm druggy running is

Man, I've just got such good mental fortitude where like it sucks. I can just can I'm keeping going, you know That's why I totally fucked myself with this illness, right? We need to finish the money story. We'll do that in a second and I've been ill since I got back from the stag, right? The immune system in the pits, right? Just had one of the best sessions in my life. I had such a fucking good time. I was just laughing, beginning to end all the way through it. Cocktail of drugs. What a medley of drugs.

Like started with mushrooms. Let that level out. I had a pill. Got a bit tired. Put some cocaine and then just the occasional little split with you and Brett when I was like fucking four way fucking fight in me body going on. But how does it like, I measured it really well and I was in a really good fucking spot all the way through the thing.

But like obviously, your body's gonna take some recovery from that and I caught an illness when I got back and I've been battling that. How long has it been like nine days, 10 days or something? It's a long time to be able to that. It's fucking shite. So I days or something. It's a long time to be ill, that. It's fucking shit. So I got about a week in and I still did my gigs. I done my Carlisle gig and my Dalton gig,

which I put in together because I could go Carlisle. So I live in Glasgow. Carlisle, go and stop me mom and dad's Dalton, gone back, round trip it, right? But I couldn't conceive the idea of not being in my own bed. So I did there and back, there and back, two days run. So I done like 10 the idea of not being in my own bed. So I did there and back there and back two days run. So I done like 10 hours of driving while fucking ill and, um, yeah, I'm still burning for a wheel of time.

So I'm on that at the minute. And then after those gigs, right. I was like, fucking I've been so good at the gym since December. I really need to get back into it. Otherwise I fell off. So I'm going to go and have a run and I went on the treadmill and I was like, I'm just gonna do like a casual 5K. So I thought what I'll do, right, is start on nine kilometers an hour

and then after one kilometer I do 10 kilometers an hour and then 11, then 12, then 13, that's five kilometers and ending pretty fast. And then at the end I went, fuck it, I'm doing a six and put up to 14 kilometers an hour, which is pretty fast. And done the six kilometer. And it nearly fucking killed us because I did that with like ill. I did that ill as fuck and I've put myself back loads.

So the day after that, I went to Dublin to do the Have a Word thing and I was so fucking pitiful. I was so pitiful again, like, you know, getting the flight and then fucking getting to the venue and getting to my hotel like everything was tragic yeah like the gigs are all the gigs have been classed still like there's something about being on stage that just guns you're not in anymore you're fine yeah quite nice to have but I was on the Victoria was on make rice and I met him before he's so fucking sound man really funny as well and will I wait? I haven't seen him in fucking years man because he used to always be on at the

laughter house when I did the laughter house. He's always good company yeah I also imagine he hasn't aged and not because he's been necessarily treating himself well but I just feel like Will I stopped aging yeah Yeah, he's the same guy. He's the exact same guy, like as he fucking quit the smack and all that, didn't he? He was like a teetotal when I met him. Yeah. But like I heard that he was like fucking like bad with the drinking drugs and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Willie's one of those like alcoholics who stopped, sorry, alcohol-free alcoholics, who's like, he's like I love it I'll never stop anyone else from doing that but if there's a shot on the table in front of me that's a loaded gun and a depressed person. But he's also one man again like oh I wish I knew when he was on the set, I'm glad I just now knew. I didn't want to make the guy that made him quit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that was the line up.

And then Dan hosts the first section and then Adam hosts the second section. So it was just a mid-bill beginning to end. Yeah, he asked me to do the murderers too, but I was just like, fucking, I don't have. Well, kinda because the stag do was on while the Glasgow one was on. Was on, we fucked up. Was on, that would have been like me, you and Nelly, I reckon. Yeah, I wouldn't have done it. Kind of because the stag do was on while the Glasgow one was on.

That would have been like me, you and Nelly, I reckon. Yeah, I wouldn't have done it. Yeah? No. How not? I don't have any killer material. I'm not gonna. You kind of do a club set?

At the moment, fuck no. Just like to cut with our best bits? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not, I'm never, those are done. You, there's no amount of money that you could pay me. You couldn't kill a 20? Not right now, no. It might be one of the best comics on the planet.

Yeah, but you couldn't pay me to, first of all, no, not. Second of all, you couldn't pay me. You're quite highly rated. Yeah. You couldn't pay me to do any old material. Somebody could offer me a million pounds to do X again. In a room full of people that have not seen you? No, not doing that and I've not seen you no not do not I've seen you okay I'm not doing I'm not doing my old shit and I'm not doing I don't mean dusting

off old rope I don't like it when it doesn't it's not your life anymore like the condom pill bit that used to serve us so fucking well as a bit on a club set but like no when it's not me life, I'm tired and I'm completely lying to you if I do that bit. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'd rather eat shit on stage than fib. And also I'd rather do neither, so I'll do neither. Right. I did Adam Rose, Adam Rose and Friends last Thursday, and that was... Is that new material or is it?

Aye, it was about 15. You having well? Yeah, yeah. And I've got the stand tonight and the stand tomorrow. And like, yeah. I got a bit, yeah. I saw you do the Fringe again as well, Work in Progress. Aye.

Well, I'll do Work in Progress at the Fringe, Daniel. We'll just don't call it that. Yeah, but it's also like the- You've got to let them know that smaller venue. Yeah, and also like, I don't mind at this point, like the fringes and what it used to be and it's- It is getting a show ready for tour. Yeah. That's what the fringe is now.

But it could have had, the fringe was always- It used to be end game. It used to be end game, it used to be the merit, it used to be the fucking goal. And they just continued to do absolutely nothing to fix the four big venues Absolutely rinsing every single comedian for every penny of the worth accommodation accommodation. They didn't get on top with fucking landlords So they've priced out working class the fact that you can buy you can buy critical acclaim with a good PR

Yes, oh you can buy thelaim with a good PR. Yes. Oh, you can buy the award with a good PR. If you want to know how you get nominated for the award in Edinburgh, it's 5% chance of doing it is to have one of the best shows there, or you can almost seal it for yourself by spending three to four grand on a publicist and doing previews since the previous November.

I don't know that 10 people have also done that. And like some of them are going to pay that money and not get the win. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't mind dragging down. Like with each publicist. I don't mind dragging down like the, being part of the like,

oh, the fringe used to be the fucking end game. And now you're treating it like the start game. It's like, well, I'm just treating it the way that the organizers and the people who run it and everyone around it has been treating it for 10 years to get to this point. I treated it with respect 10 years ago and because everyone else who declares to love it has only shat and pissed on it since then and made it more than possible for real comedians, not me, but like comedians who should be a career changer

because you've destroyed it for them. I'm just gonna come in. I always respected Russell Brand. It's Russell Brand. Ha ha, clip that. I just, I only said those things because I was- I would've respected it mostly. I just wanted to get back on track.

I always respected Russell Howard for his brand. He would never do the fringe because he was like, just like it's taking money away from my friends. He's like, if I can sell 5,000 seats in Edinburgh, I'll not do it when all my friends are there. Would he be saying that if he lived in Edinburgh though? Like, is that cause he's down in Bristol? Yeah, maybe, maybe. But I think that's, man, I think that's, you know, if you've got enough to eat, don't steal from, and you're down in Bristol? Yeah, maybe maybe and but I but I think that's a man

I think that's you know, if you've got enough to eat don't steal from and you know on the same thing Don't steal from the others now that Fucking I respect 10% Comedians at the fringe now, so I'm just like, yep, and then you just recommend them Yeah, I'm just like you go in give me the money and them. Yeah, I'm just like, yeah, go in, give me the money and then I'll recommend them. And every other little fucking London wine cook

and fuck off and suffer. Yeah, they're fucked. Mattie. So I'm waiting for Barry to tell me breakfast is ready. Mattie goes to, gets flight. Me and Barry are sitting together. In fact, I don't even think I've left at this point. Barry takes me, being like, you wanna go eat breakfast?

I'm like, yep. Matt puts in the group, hey, Sloss, I've just put the gear under your door on the way out. So just give it to anyone else. I was like, cool, open my front door. Nah, not again. Just posted coke under a stranger's door. Stranger's door.

We were laughing, but imagine that with someone who was like in recovery Willa White. It's a sign. It's a sign. Somebody who's just like been on the straight and narrow for a little while to the point that they feel like they can go to Amsterdam on a business trip. I actually think it's a really really good tip for a cleaner in the next four rooms that she cleaned, we're going to be fucking immaculate. Immaculate, aye. You're going to have a belter. Oh man, I hope I found a good home. My winnings.

I hope my winnings found a good nose. I just fucking just delivered, delivered Gia just some rando. And then when I got back, because I've been sick, right, I've just been, I've been working my way through the Rambo movies, which is a good way to spend your come down. Yeah, not seeing any of them.

Started watching Loud & Milk. Oh, Loud & Milk's great. So good. I honestly felt like I was part of the meeting. Ha ha ha. He's seen Loud & Milk, Matthew. He's the, He's like four years recovered alcoholic and he's the head of the meetings. The A.A. meetings and everyone kind of gathers around him and tells the stories and all that. It's mostly focused on him but like you'll get little subplots from the people that are in his meetings and I just felt like I was the quiet one. Just listening, not even ready to talk yet. Just listening in other meetings.

Yeah I like Loud and Milk really really good. My recovery wasn't... Is he a comic? No. Is he not? No. Because you know what the reason I ask right it does feel like one of them sitcoms... Well Sassow is, his big fat friend is a comic? No. Is he not? No. Because you know what, the reason I ask, right, it does feel like one of them sitcoms. Will Sasso is, his big fat friend is a comic. Oh, Ben. Yeah. Right, because it feels like there's occasions which like, I don't find it jarring, I can just tell it's happening, where I'm like, oh, that's a good stand up bit that they've

just like kind of crowbarred in, which often happens when a stand up writes a thing, they go, no, I've got a bit about this I'm gonna make the bit a scene so like you have like a rant at someone in public for that coffee order which is in episode one like there's a handful of bits like that way oh that's Vicky Gervais's afterlife and at this point a stupid Christian comes up and talks to me and I own them yeah There's a lot of that now which is why I thought it was a stand-up. You know what I can't confidently say he's not a stand-up. But also he may not have written it. Which

like if a stand-up wrote it they'd probably cast themselves as the main guy. Correct me if I'm wrong Matthew, I actually think Will Sasso was part of the writing team of My Dream Helt. So maybe it's some of his best. Yeah. But yeah, it's really easy to watch it. Will Sasso. I only watched it as well because it was like less than half an hour an episode. Yeah, 25 minutes. Will Sasso's very funny.

I've always enjoyed him on like podcast. I've always enjoyed him as a comedic actor. I just think he's great. And also I can tell that he's a decent bloke because he used to do a podcast with Brian Callan in Crystal Leone. Oh, Brian Callan's in it, isn't he? Loudermilk. Ah, is he one of the people in the meeting?

I fucking don't think so considering he's a sexual predator. 2020? He's been a sexual predator for a while. Okay, he's not in it then. Yeah. Will Sasso did a podcast with Crystal D'Alier and Brian Callan and then all the allegations came out. And now Brian Callan and Chris D'Alier took a podcast

to get their own Will Sasso just living his life. Ah yeah, even though there was like a deep dive on there, fucking like sketchy past taz was fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, fucking Brian Callan was one that tried to girlfriend zone a rape victim. Except, yeah Brian Galland was one that tried to girlfriend zone a rape victim. Yeah, sexually solids a woman. Obviously these are all allegations

and there's all allegedly, but you know me, I tend to believe the women in the numbers when it comes to, you know, allegations. One of the harrowing reports of it. But you won't believe that I won the golf. I believe the rape of a woman, but not the rape of myself. One of the things was like this girl and he just straight up, sexually assaulted her in a hotel room and And afterwards she was fucking crying about it.

And the quote is like, oh, oh what? I'm a big bad rapist. That's the thing, I'm a big bad rapist. What are you talking about? You're my girlfriend now, you're my girlfriend. And then was like, you can't just style it. Just try to, no, no, no. I think like, being like that was like,

contentual, we're internet. And to prove that I'm not like a monster, there's not gonna be a relationship with you for three months until you forget about that deeply traumatic thing that people famously don't forget about. Oh man for some reason all those years later she still felt jilted. Women right? Am I right? They never forget. They never forget when you fucking pin them down and sexually assault them. It's wild. Yeah have have you seen that Jodie Comer play?

No. It was like Natalie saw it as a play. It's just like one woman play. I went to see it, it was on at the cinema. Like it was like an every man cinema put on or something. Oh good, a one woman playing in every man cinema. That's fine, that balances out for me. That was, as long as I have one representation

on both sides. It was so fucking powerful, man. But one woman plays like X The world so one woman plays there's no good guys I watched 12 Angry Men with Natalie on Valentine's Day. You see how good you got it bitch? You're a fucking 12 year old. That's the highest rated movie on IMDB. It's not a scrap of diversity. It's literally titled, what it says on the tin,

is it's 12 way blokes. Yeah, and does it pass the bestial test? Absolutely crushing it. Just kill it, kill it, murder it. Does it pass the bestial test? They never talk about relationships with women. Good. All the way through it. They just talk about blokes. Yeah, just talk about relationships with women. Good. All the way through.

They just talk about blokes. Yeah. Just talk about sport a little bit. Great. The great equalizer. Yeah. They talk about prejudice quite a lot. Right.

Prejudice against women or black people. They never really mention women. Right. There is a woman that sees the event that they're talking about through the window, but they're like, I don't think eyes are very good. I think she had little marks off her glasses. It's like, let's just discredit everything she's saying. That's the only time they really bring up women. It's such a good film though. I honestly think it was me in the 50s. It's black and white and I still think it's such a fucking social good social commentary now and like fucking people's like veil of

perception on what the truth is and people's like arguments on fucking social media and shit. Yeah. Really holds up. 12 Angry Men was one of those movies Dad ruined for me super early on. Was like you're 14. By making you watch it as a child. Yeah.

14 years old said the fated words, it's a classic. And I just went, oh, this is shit. No, you have to watch that when you're older. I think. I've been, I've been like, when I say I enjoy an old movies, I don't mean like old old movies. I did enjoy 12 angry men, obviously, but like movies from my childhood, like the alien movies and like the Rambo, I was watching Rambo.

They're just anything that's just got like heavy dose of nostalgia attached to it. And also just simpler. Yeah. Like the movies are so simple back then. Like they were just like. I was thinking about this the other day, just because like the Oscars are coming up and stuff and I know Nelson would hate me because I don't watch any old movies. Like I've seen some, Great Escape was good, Cool Hand Luke was good,

but those are still sort of in colour. I can't really go into black and white movies because also here's... You don't like any Westerns? I've watched some of them but also like here's the thing, right? This is my opinion, this is a controversial take and I don't like any Westons? I've watched some of them, but also like, here's the thing, right? This is my opinion, there's a controversial take, and I don't have, and I haven't watched enough old movies to prove it's true, but it feels true. Movies were invented in the early 20th century,

I'm gonna say about, fuck, in 1905, probably about, oh, no, no, between, I feel like it was post-World War one. Oh, you're talking like silent movies movies movies since movies with talking in it and movies with talking in it and dialogue was invented I'm going to say between the world wars and acting was invented in 1985 right I think I go when were the talking movies invented? The first like non silent film was 1927. 27 so before the no way no no I was right so it is between World Wars yeah yeah right. That would have been a cool time to be alive not not the war but em but like when movies became a thing

that would have been one of the biggest leaps in technology. Like it would feel like you are so far in the future. Yeah. And we still use the word from that's what movies is. Moving picture. Yeah. You used to see the still pictures, you see some of those things on the movies. They move the movie movie movie movie. That's where the word movie to this day. That's the words. I would That'd be it's movie. To this day, that's the words. I would, I might do this myself.

I'm going to go back and watch every Oscar, like best actor, best actress movies from fucking 1945 onwards. And I bet they're all shit at acting. I bet they're all fucking dog shit. I thought he was particularly good. What's his name? Fonda, something Fonda. Henry Fonda. Henry Fonda, he was particularly good. Okay. What's his name Fonda something Fonda Henry Fonda? He was particularly good and 12 angry men. Yeah, what was 12? I remain 57 57. Yeah, I looked at up

I am he's good. He's good good. He's good good at it It shows the so is the fucking the guy because I after watching that I like the first time I watched it I watched a and in the I watched that, the first time I watched it, I watched in the, is it called, In the Waterfront, the Dockyard movie with Marlon Brando as the main guy and the baddie from 12 Angry Men is the baddie in, I say he's a baddie, he's a complex character, is the guy that's the head of the union or something in the waterfront and I watched two films back to back with him going, oh he is legit from being back then. He's so good. I don't know his name though.

Do you know, you understand acting existed before films? Yeah, yeah. Like on stage and stuff. Yeah, the old Greek things. Yeah. So most when non silent films started coming out, even silent films, most of the people doing them were just taking it from there. Are you just taking that stance like any of the footballers from back then wouldn't last now?

Like the one place where this holds up right is no one's beating Usain Bolt in a hurry. Yeah. Like maybe That's the only way, William. Yeah, like maybe you can have someone from way back then that was just actually better than people now. Cause like you said, both are so fucking binary that like you're either the fastest or not. Like no one's beating him.

Yeah, yeah. But that's like, that's one skill, right? You're saying both. But that's like, that is like knocking on the head that like we're improving over the generations. Cause what was he like 2010? It's been like 15 years and like there still isn't a better human being than that.

So like, so when it comes to something that's a bit more subjective, like acting, maybe you could have had the best one back then. Yeah, I just feel like, again, I've just seen this from the movies that I've fucking, and maybe it's the stuff that the films were about, but just any movies I've seen back then, it's just like a fucking man smoking a cigarette and saying sexist things to a fucking woman. And the depth of their characters isn't too

fucking great. And I'm like, ah, what is this? And again, not seeing 12 Angri men and I've not seen any of the fucking classics. This is something where I'm like, I'll do some fucking research on this. Yeah. I think you can now say- But like Marlon, I've seen the Godfather movies, and fucking Marlon Brando just, oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. That was old Marlon Brando, wasn't it?

He was like what? They're like, whoa whoa whoa whoa. And they're like, oh fucking get this guy in Austin. Ooh, ooh, I've got cotton wool in my cheeks. You're like, oh yeah, fucking great acting, man. People fucking reeling, you know, in this de-hondre approach to the Godfather. Stinky poopy movies.

You like the Godfather? Again- I watched them again fairly recently. Not seen them since I was about 18, 19. Yeah they're good. Watched all three full time. I was like who gives a fuck? Super duper good. I read the book before I watched them and the book's class obviously. It's why they're meant to film. It is one of the ones that holds up. There's not many that hold up. I'm gonna admit I'm wrong. I'm at the stage now where I'm enjoying more food

as an adult. Don't just fucking admit you got beaten in golf. You're gonna just say that. You're gonna say that on this podcast where you literally didn't earlier. Fucking. The only two people that genuinely believe that you won that golf game

and the other person's been corrected was you and Nick. And Nick just because everyone was going along with Brett and he wasn't a comedian so he couldn't pick up on the vibes that everyone was doing a bit. And also your sincerity in your own delusion. Come back on Thursday for the Q&A. We're going to do answer your questions. We're going to record it now and then release it obviously later. We're not going to release it while we're doing it. Bye.