Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 1. Sloss and Humphries Stuck at Home

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Back on their regular schedule of Monday's and Thursday's for the duration of the Quarantine Muggins and Cream dial in the podcast from their isolation. With a new feature "Mystery Guest" where they conference in another comedian to check in on them, although it isn't a mystery, it's Dave Longley. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11

right it's last time Humphrey's stuck at home where have you been since where have you been since Corona 19

cool oh man it's I mean it's not your worst one we can blame it on you know social distancing

and just go a little bit start crazy in your house. I can put it down to that if you want. So if you're wondering why Daniel sounds like

he's an alien, it's not, he doesn't have a virus. He's just been scaped in. So we're recording the scape session. Hi, this is all human interaction

for most people for the next couple of months. As long as they stop being cunts. We are 40 seconds into the podcast, Daniel, and this is the longest I've ever been on the phone to you. I know.

Yeah, I'm not a phone person. I'm one of them. Your mate David is, and he phones people fucking round the way. I think that's a cunt's trick. David Cannon, right? So this is the thing.

If your name comes up on my phone, I could be at the front of the name comes up on my phone I could be at the front of the queue in fucking Tesco and I'd answer it knowing that it would be done by the time I got

to the cashier if Khan rings us I've got to pull my diary like the next hour spoken for that's Khan me and Garv as well if I get Garv on the phone

we're on the phone for ages, but he, you normally just like, you take a phone call like someone in a movie. Aye, it's to get information across and that's it. Aye, there's no goodbye, just a dial tone at the end, just hang up with it, goodbye, you didn't say hello at the beginning, you just literally demand an answer, get the answer and go. Aye, it's efficient it's ending charge by the minute tight

just Scottish I know I've never understood I've never understood you know phone girlfriends and stuff but you know

that's that's when your mate's just four years like what do you want like you must want that you just want to chat i'm not we can't be friends anymore i'll chat to you i'll chat to you when i see you or i'll chat to you when we're on the podcast i've done i've done a bit of it

like i'm i'm checking in on people i've been ringing people just for another just because another another day and now i would i would never put myself into someone's day like that usually all right i'd say well i think that i, people are going to have to get more. Maybe we'll go back to the 90s. You know, just fucking vote each other. Maybe we'll bring back those. Remember the Budweiser WhatsApp commercials? We can bring that back.

We can bring that back. Why don't we just strip it right back to when we used to knock on each other? Remember knocking on people? That doesn't sound like six feet away from someone so absolutely not oh yeah not in the current climate but um back in the day i used to go and knock on people like lasses that you fancied you'd go and run the hoose and take a punt knock on the door and then they'd die i mean i'm fucking 36 i couldn't ring them like that wouldn ring them imagine doing that now

how fucking creepy that would be creepy as fuck no I mean it was probably creepy then and now I used to have to knock on the door

the dad would answer and I would go can you get this do you have a daughter and hand them a picture of me dick couldn't just send it and they never did

always kept it to themselves rascals there's one girl that dad's got a big stash of them, like the fucking letters from the wartime lover. It's a big stack of Polaroids. I don't think, I think that would be,

I remember to phone my friends back in the day was you had to phone their house and to find their phone number, you had to go through the phone book and just start dialing every fucking varney in the area like this I totally

I used to I used to always ring random people out the phone book and ask for my dad's lawnmower back

was that your prank phone call that was my prank phone call I'd keep it going for as long as possible

until I just fucking hung up got bottled it did you ever get a free lawnmower out of it? Nah, never. Never worked. Worst scam ever. I used to also do the,

I just called to say, I mean, you're back on in, and then hang up. Man, you... I still think that was creepy then. Like, that's not one of those things that's changed. It's like, oh, that was fine back then, but it's creepy now. I think that was wrong then.

It would be creepy, I knew, because you could actually be in their back garden on the phone. Back then, you couldn't. Oh, I would. The only way you could be in their back garden in the past is if they had a very, very long landline. Aye.

Which is why they weren't going straight. Oh, you were just a middle class family who had one of them ones you could just walk around with with the aerial up Woo! I mean on Skype Daniel has now just pulled out a cordless mobile, not a mobile phone

a cordless phone A landline Every time I move to a new place, both times I've moved into a place, I'm asking to get a landline, and both times the companies have been like, why? Do you know what year it is?

Is it so that you can't lose signal during an interview? Oh, and it's also just, yeah, yeah, my house is a fucking, it's a dead end for fucking reception, so you have to have a landline to be able to phone people. That's what was so fucking frustrating. Like, if you ever want to use an internet company,

please, for the love of God, do not use TalkTalk. The only reason I'm with TalkTalk is because it's the only one in my area. They are the worst fucking company in the world, but I refuse to do that fucking celebrity thing that celebrities do, which is like fucking public diminution of the month, where they're like,

oh, I deserve better fucking service because I've got a blue tick. You know how them cunts? I refuse to be that. But I'm happy to bitch them out on this fucking podcast. Do not use TalkTalk. I phone them up, right? I've got me, because my internet wasn't working, right? And I walked my internet and they hadn't installed my

landline. I phone them up because my landline wasn't working, right? I phone them up on the mobile, right? And they go talk to us on the website, talk to us through the fucking MSN Messenger fucking thing they've got, right? So I'm chatting to them in there, and they go, right, we're going to try and disconnect your internet, and then we're going to disconnect everything, so can you phone us back, and we'll talk you through it then.

And I'm like, no, because I don't have a landline, because you're trying to fix my landline. They're like, oh, just call us on your mobile. And I was like, no, the reason I'm phoning you, the reason I'm trying to get a landline is because I do not have fucking signals in my house. So I can't phone you on my mobile. That's why I'm getting a landline then. They're like, right, got it, okay. Well, in that case, just talk

to us on the app. And I'm like, I am talking to you on the app, but you're about to disconnect my internet to do the test. And they're like, just phone us back on the mobile. And that happened for seven days in a row before I had to go all the way to the top and just explain the concept. I'm a motherfucker. The worst company I've ever fucking dealt with, man.

I was losing shit. Just to put a catch-22? No, just, you know, because you know when they go off scripts, right? They've got scripts and no matter how much you talk to them like a human being, a human being response isn't written down in front of them yeah

didn't I have something with rental cars as well where I booked the rental car my flight got delayed, I changed it to your name and then I got charged twice or something so I needed a refund and they wouldn't refund me even though it was my car because the car was booked in your name even though I

booked it it was fucked up mate the car was booked in your name even though I booked it. It was fucked up, mate. I was tied in absolute knots with that to trying to get my refund back off the rental car just because I'd changed it to you. I was like, I could have changed it to a name that fucking didn't exist. I said

a name. McLovin, aye. I said a name to you. I said a name to you and that's the only person you'll speak to like it's me that booked it remember me with the money you know how many

think I had to fucking pay for the shit I think they make themselves purposefully obtuse so that people who've got a bit of money just give up on it

just go ah fuck it you know you know when it starts not being worth the 90 pound that you're getting like that 90 pound will fucking mean a bit of us, but if you're a fucking millionaire,

you're just going, ah, you know what, fuck you. I get fucking bit of it. I reckon a lot of the time there are plenty of the phone calls just to make because the second you shout at them, they're allowed to hang up. Yeah.

Sorry. I'll never do that. I think I got run that by the way by ringing up and pretending to be you with the exact same accent the exact same guy

alright nah he just fucking never I had no slurs is that your impression of me I was like get out of my swamp that's the only Scottish

I can do alright and you can't even do the whale how's your quality going it's good mate so far

I would only went out so far it's just been normal house hours because my only gig would have been

last night and tonight so it's just now that it's oh I've got a weekend off this is what a weekend feels like the only thing

that's been different is Natalie's back home working from the kitchen I've got a weekend off. This is what a weekend feels like. The only thing that's been different is Natalie's back home working from the kitchen. We've got like an open plan kitchen living room area. So like, if I'm on call of duty,

she's in the kitchen just like fucking making really important phone calls holding an industry together by its seams. So it just gives you a little bit of perspective

on your life that like, she's handling shit like a boss over there and I'm just fucking playing games like a child. Really, I could really day without that and I'm just fucking playing games like a child really I could really do without that

I'm going to be honest God that's what it's like and you know could she not work outside she does actually because like when she has to do

a conference call she doesn't need me in the background going you're fucking spawn killing you camping bastard in the middle of a

conference call in fucking New York so so she's been going out on the balcony and having her conference calls out there. She turned the camera towards us on one of her calls and she had about 15 people

on one of the conference calls and it fucking sank me hard because that's the biggest audience I'll have in a long, long time, that. Oh, that is what I keep fucking wondering about. Winner or a chomped at the end of this? We're in trouble. The longer it goes on, the longer we're unemployed.

One thing as well, when Natalie's at work, I keep going to talk to her. I read out a tweet or something like that or read a news story. And the minute I open my mouth, she gives us the same look that you give me every time I try to have a conversation with you, where you look at us like,

this better be fucking important. You look up from your phone and I take it like, again, like, I'm not in the game for smile tag, cunt.

Like surely you got that by my phone conversation. There's another thing as well that I, because the only person I've spent this kind of time with, even though I'm married, Natalie,

the only person I've spent this kind of time with, even though I'm married, Natalie, the only person I've spent this kind of time with is you. And you're not bothered when I play on my phone. I'll sometimes be playing on my phone and she'll be like, oh, somebody just joined our conversation, haven't they? I'm like, ah, Danny doesn't do that. I'm like, oh, cool. And it's been class, we've been watching box sets and that,

like, been watching Fleabag, it's class. I'll need to get into that. Watched, I've been watching The Crown, back into The Crown, I started a while back,

decent, nah, period drama. Tony, Tony Telly. Aye, how are you, how are you finding living with Piggy? Well, it's been good.

I mean, look, I think me and her, I think it's a similar thing to you, we're made out of different perspectives on it. I'm having the time of my life, it's brilliant, my birds here all day. Like, you know, I get to fucking sit down, play computer games and then go bother her whenever I want.

And she's got to and she's got to she's got to fucking work from home with fucking three boys who don't don't work much and she's got to fucking work from

the living room and she's yeah she would she would say different to what I'd say I think it's fucking great

though she is getting like we started a fucking D&D campaign so there's just like fucking four hours of the house where she's just like I'm not going downstairs&D campaign so there's just like fucking four hours at the house where she's just like

I'm not going downstairs into that fucking place I catch my virginity back is she in a plane now no no I mean don't get me wrong

she's a lot she steps into my world a lot at the time but that was one of those times she was like I don't want this to be part of my life

not interested fair enough fair she enjoyed watching it in Melbourne. Like, I remember she was playing on a Switch and just kept bursting laughing. Yeah,

she'll sit there and listen to the fucking stories and whatnot, but she's got no interest in, like, it'd be like me trying to get her to watch Blood of the Rings. It's just not going to happen. That was like when I,

when I play games with a narrative, like The Last of Us and stuff like that, like Natalie's happy to sit and watch it because she watches the gameplay and the narrative, but I try and pass her the control pad. She wants happy to sit and watch it because she watches the gameplay and the narrative, but I try and pass her the control pad. She wants nothing to do with it.

Hi. No, I think it's... Our main concern is just... Ryan, he's one of those 1.5 million that the government just emailed and just said, so you've got to self-quarantine for 12 weeks.

So this is Ryan Cullen, yeah, flatmate. Hi. He's had pneumonia he's got asthma he's when you see like people

in their 20s 0.2% fatality rate he's the 0.2% isn't he right his lungs are crisp like it

and we talked about in the last podcast didn't we that we're going to be his ventilator no I just take it and shift

mouth to mouth and I'm you're going to step in I don't know what I're gonna be his ventilator no i just take it and shift my through my uh you're going to step in i'll in a while to to make him breathe to be his ventilator i'll basically i'll grab him by his hair and i'll grab by his uh grab by his balls and then like play him like an accordion just to keep him breathing yeah perfect i think he'd enjoy that as well i wouldn't straight down his street um so yeah it's interesting if they discover like well i mean it was quite kind of obvious when you look at it but our industry is a luxury and and we're the first to go with no support like the the government has now it took them a

while but the government are now backed a lot of businesses by paying their staff and stuff that but people self-employed where we are, we've just got to ride it out, and I'm not going to complain because I'm not needed I'm just redundant It's like, everything we were good for is No, I think we can still be fucking

entertaining and online shit We're doing it now, we're providing content and we're here to boost morale just be be funny have you just had

that message off have you just had that message off longly telling you he's not had an email come through oh he hasn't oh you've got

to give the to give the listeners a heads up one of the new features that we're going to be attempting to add into this podcast

as we come back to you every Monday and Thursday, because I mean, it's fucking quarantine time, so we've got all the time in the world, so we'll go back to our regular schedules of Monday and Thursday, so that we can't call it Slauson Humphries on the road anymore, because we're absolutely not on the road, we're just fucking stuck

in the house, but one of the new features we'll be adding in every Monday and Thursday is we'll just be checking in on other comedians in the podcast just to find out how they're doing how often they've had their children whether they're starving yet whether they've decided to get real jobs just you know checking on each other's mental health and then do our best to ruin each other's mental health as is what good friends do deep deep down so today at some point it's going to be uh dave longley uh jumping in in about i don't know fucking a couple of minutes if it kind of gets the email away i don't know i might have to pause

the podcast and get natalie to come and do it because i've never used this before this is just her computer i watch her use this for her conference calls. I'll pause the podcast now and then I'll chuck them the invite. Stay on the lane. I've pinged about the invite again, but I think the problem lies with this. His email address is

Dave Longley. I'm not going to read out the full thing. 1978 is part of his email address so I think I think it may be his age that's the problem not the actual technology hold on

let me do some mental math if it's 1978 how old does that make him that makes him 5 years older than me so 41 fucking hell alright

so so yes I was going to say a surprise guest, like, oh, who's it going to be? And that could be the monthly thing, but we've blew that, haven't we? Oh, only this one.

We can still do the other ones. It can be surprises. Do the surprises then. So, anyway, if you kind of figure this out, he's typing now. If you kind of figure it out, I'll thing him in. I'll just put him on loudspeaker

and it can be an absolute clusterfuck of audio. All right. make it such a shitty shitty fucking episode that's why I did an Instagram live video thing on Friday because I'm bored of my nan but nothing else to do and the amount of fucking people and just you know how all of my fans are stupid

as fuck every single one of them in the comments just being like oh my god use this free time to start a podcast and I'm like the fact that you're even asking that question is proof that I don't want any of you as people who listen to the fucking podcast. Exactly. Like, if you can't work out yourself, it's not for you.

We need to have a real quality control on who listens to it, just so that we can be ourselves. I say whatever the fuck we like and get away with it, instead of being held accountable by fucking losers. Aye. How long have you been cancelled in quarters

team do you know do you know Longley just properly called me out on social media as well well shots fired

about that hold on I'll play it for you so do you know I've been doing that cameo thing aye so basically

your matext is going this would be good because I've been doing that Cameo thing. Aye. So basically, your matext is going, this would be good. Because I've been pushing my show. Basically, we're unemployed for the foreseeable future. And I can get by because we've got a house deposit. So I'll probably not have to go and work in Sainsbury's, in Stackshelves, because I've got something to file back on. But Natalie's still working, and I'd prefer to still have a steady income if I can. So I've been looking at channels.

I started pushing my solo shows again. I'm putting it out now. Actually, when this podcast comes out, people can go onto my website, w.kaihunfries.com, and buy my body of work, all three of my solo shows on one purchase. It's up at £12.50,

but they can get it for 10 pound if they put in the discount code covid19 all capitals covid19 they can get it for a tenner so if i can like trickle in a bit of income from you capital one capital nine all one number so so yeah I'm trying to I'm just trying to push my online content in your mom inbox

just going hey this would be good for you it's this app called Cameo where people will pay whatever price you want

and you can send them a message a personalised message so I think it's basically for fucking Snoop Dogg and David Hasselhoff to sing happy birthday to people for a grand

that's why that's why they made the app that's where they're going to make money from it like tony hawks on it and stuff like that so it's to get like a birthday message from your pals from their favorite celebrity obviously i don't have any any celebrity other than people who listen to the podcast are aware who i am um i basically just put it down to almost minimum, like put it down to five pounds and said, I'll roast your pals. If you send us a picture of your mates, I'll tell us a little bit about them. I'll just give them a gentle roast.

And people have been using it for that, but also for pep talks, like for people that are stuck in isolation and in quarantine and tell us a little bit about them. So I've been really getting behind people and giving them motivation. And I've been doing about 10, 11 a day for the last couple of days doing that. And I got a couple of other people onto it, like Milo and Tom Horton and stuff, just saying, look, here's a little bit of a side hustle.

I got emailed about this app back when we were on tour, but I was working, I didn't't need it it wasn't extra income and it felt a bit undignified at the time because like i didn't feel like i was famous enough to charge people for us to chat to them you know but but now i think dignity is a little bit out the window it's a hustle you're hustling now so i and i didn't feel undignified now that i've started doing it because i'm like i'm coming up now that i've started doing it because i'm like i'm coming up with jokes i'm giving them personalized jokes about that situation off the cuff a lot of the time it's just like i'm saying really i'm just i'm seeing someone

the other marks of this the other marks of this situation you're gonna pay someone to fucking insult you i have at it it made it's making the day like the comment streams class like so i've been actually feeling like I'm getting something back off it. I'm getting all these nice comments and stuff and reactions at the end of it. I'm just like, this is actually fucking really sweet. But like I said, I often feel that comedians just as a bit of a nudge, like, oh, come and do this with us. It's class.

I've had a great afternoon just connecting with our audience as well. You tend not to have time to even go into your inbox and reply to people, but now we've got loads of time on our hands. So anybody listening, go on to Cameo. I'll do it for money. I can do a personalised fucking message for you. I can slag off your pals. I'm just getting a request in there now.

I've got to turn the sound off this laptop so I don't keep getting pings every time. I don't. getting pings every time. I don't. Can they, like, request, how much would it cost them to request, like, a video of you jerking off? Fiverr? Is this a Fiverr, mate?

Like, a picture of you, like, so let's say my friend's feeling down in the quarantine, like, you know, he's not been able to get out of the gym for a while, he's been, like, eating a little bit more than he used to. He's put on a little bit of weight, which is fine, but he doesn't like it. He himself is feeling unattractive.

If I send you a photo of him, can you send me a cam of you masturbating to the photo of him just to boost his confidence? It just becomes fans only after that, doesn't it? It's just a fans only account that I've got. Is it going for a fans only account that I've got so you've basically gone for PG fans only haven't I it's PG fans only

it is that's essentially what it is isn't it but I've had I've had class crack with it it's been I've been loving it but then

listen to what Longley put out hold on I'll find it he put it on Twitter erm because a few a few people who are

off at it now have like just laughed or like or not even replied to this that's him choking on a dick I know it was coughing for Covid I'm in the gym working out a lot of comedians are doing this thing called a cameo

where you can give them a fiver and they'll give you a personalized message. It's pretty desperate, lacks dignity, but I'm all for competition. So what I'll do is if you message me, I will give you a personalized message for free, because we're all in this together, and anyone who uses that cameo thing is a fucking bellend

so he's so fucking funny he's a very funny man but that has been the case though people are like we're trying to get Mark Nelson today

because Mark Nelson would be class like to get a scathing roast off Nelson. He'd do better than any of us could. He'd be mint on it. He'd probably be shaking his head on the screen. Aye.

But in a time like this when we're in the house, I don't see how it's undignified. I'm not saying it's undignified. I'm just not doing it. Marlena keeps trying to get me to work and I'm like what are you fucking I'm taking this as enforced time off I'm literally taking this as a fucking sign so I'm not doing any extra work this is too perfect by the way for you that it's kind of creepy how perfect this is for you

you have been demanding this kind of time off for the 11 years I've known you 12 years I've known you. 12. Right. 12 years I've known you. And also, you've wanted old people dead for as long as I've known you. Right. No, no.

You've got to be careful what you wait for. I just don't think it's necessarily always that sad. Of all the people that could die, it's best that old people die. Because have you got that... Because I'm sure the reason I said you wanted old people to die is not just general crap, but didn't you have a bit of material? I'm sure there's footage of it. You know, the old people that have bent double and hunched over,

and it's like God's trying to push you into the ground where you belong. I take the fucking hint, yes. You had some very ageist material. That is not ageing well now, if that comes up new. Oh, no, man, have I not told you? Like, we have to fucking, we have to be careful about the fucking launch of the book. So just to let people know,

I've got a book coming out in November, hopefully. I mean, it's definitely coming out in November. But we have to delay releasing what the title of the book is, because the title is Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die, and it's just too perfect for this time. People think I wrote the name to that intentionally, as if I've renamed it that. No.

Yeah. As if I saw what was going on, I'm like, this pandemic was sent by God. It's very unfortunately named. Or fortunately. Yeah, I stand by it. I think now the title's more true than anything.

Everyone you hate is going to die. It's a bit late, actually. Maybe it should be everyone you hate has already died by the time it comes out in November. No, you're still... No, you can't...

Right. I can't remember what I was saying. It was about the title of your book. So that's pretty cool, because you got the book deal just before lockdown as well, so that's like work. No, but the book's done, pretty much. I'm only going to spend next week basically just doing a couple of edits which shouldn't take too long. It would have been fucking ideal had they just decided to give me it now and I would have the next fucking three months to write it. financially because don't want to talk candid about your finances but you've just bought

a really nice house so you're living within your means in a big house so that could catch up on you quicker like if you're not working at what point do you go

like you know if the tour gets cancelled I reckon I'm good until about 2030 so you could live in that house where you are until 2030 well maybe not that that was more of a joke than anything else 2030. So you could live in that house where you are till 2030?

Maybe not that. That was more of a joke than anything else. I've just done the America fucking tour and I've still got the book deal. So I'm good. I'm just watching. I mean, it does mean I'll have to, you know, I've got to lose the coke habit.

I've probably got to, you know, cut my numbers of sex work. Using sex work is down to probably about once a week. I've had to sell cut my numbers of sex work, using sex workers down to about once a week. I've had to sell one of my private jets. I can't, I don't think I'm allowed to get grills anymore. I'll have to leave that until I run out of the air. And you've had to cancel a Netflix subscription. Aye.

Child porn, I've had to give that up. There's no one in the market for it like new ones to come running and get the hard drive off you alright so no

I'll be I've got to cut back a little bit but or I'll just I'll just start charging Colin more

fuck him so far though we've had the most fucking middle class quarantine like salmon and cream cheese bagels and that. It's not the pasta and rice I thought it was going to be. The shops are still pretty...

Oh, no, see, mine's just the opposite. Now, thanks to the quarantine, it now justifies my diet. Before, when I was just eating fucking pizza randomly and just eating fucking crisps all the time, people were like, Jesus Christ, you should go to the shops and cook. We'll make a bag of some stuff to cook with. I'm like, no, no, no, no, now I get to eat the shit that I've always eaten.

Fucking got my fucking snack. We did, like, so we've got enough, like, we didn't hoard. We've got a, I think I mentioned this last time, we've got enough rice and pasta and dry, like, tins that we'll keep to last for two weeks if we catch it, so we don't have to go to

the shop and pass it on or we don't have to get people to deliver food so we've got enough there but we're trying not to touch it so we've just been living fresh as long as the shops have got like fresh stuff like you know produce like meat and veg and that like so we in london it's you know what i went for a jog in the park because you can still go outdoors. Everyone had the same idea and it didn't feel that safe. Oh, look who it is. Do I need X7? He's got his MAGA hat on.

Hey, hey, hey. We're all wrong, really. How's it going? I'm sorry to interrupt. No, no, no. Just straight off the top. Can you remind us what your cameo is just so our fans can...

Get your free cameos. I don't know what it is. Just Instagram. And then DM me and I'll say anything. I just said something that abused a trans person, so probably not a good idea. On one of my cameos, there was a gay guy whose divorce got cancelled

and I told him that gay marriage causes hurricanes but gay divorce causes pandemics, so it's all his fault. Fuck's sake, you're probably right though. Wait, wait, wait, his divorce got cancelled? Aye. I mean, that's why I was questioning that. It was a one-way conversation on Cameo

but I'm like, it's... I'm sure that's just because he has to cancel the party. His marriage, there's not going to affect the marriage that was going to happen because the divorce had to be cancelled so he lost the divorce and the says marriage that is it is not going to affect the marriage that was going to happen because the divorce had to be cancelled so he lost the divorce and the marriage

to his new fiance but it must be something to do with the fucking officers I guess like me that it's just gays isn't it everything is more complicated

but gays they're right all of it there's too much of the bible in the legislation isn't there Leviticus it's just wrong it's not for me don't like it don't like thinking about it all of it there's too much of the bible in the legislation isn't there

Leviticus it's just wrong it's not for me don't like it don't like thinking about it David I love the fact

that you've come on to you've come to our podcast where you've got Make America Great Again despite the fact that it's an audio podcast

it's just a visual joke for me well I say joke just relaxing at home. Have you got your fucking V for Vendetta mask? I've got this one that really kicks off. You've got a megaphone? What made you buy a megaphone?

I used to live near a private school and people used to drop their kids off and I just used to go out with a megaphone and say, can you not park there, please? And any time you hear something over a megaphone, it's like there's an authority to it. People would just obey. So I just used to shout out the window at people.

Yeah, did you put the hi-vis on? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's that sort of thing. What did I interrupt what were you banging on about anyway erm cutbacks

how is your life still gonna change er you're not gonna go out that's a big change isn't it er well not for me actually

like it's just it's weird that everyone's just now copying what I'm doing I would have been living like this normally well I guess

the impression is that because you're always on tour, that you're out and about all the time and you drink and you socialise. I don't do any of that. This is no different for me at all. So if that's what you normally do, it's fucking game on. You've just got to catch up. I'm fucking loving it. I'm just going to catch up.

I'm going to catch up on some box sets, catch up on some wanks, play computer games forever. I've got Disney Plus. Catch up on wanks. Choose it. Catch up on w box sets, catch up on some wanks. Play computer games forever. I've got Disney Plus. Catch up on wanks. Choose it. Catch up on wanks. Would you? How can you be behind?

You keep in tabs. He still makes me share rooms. There's so many episodes of Pornhub missed while you're on tour. You get behind, you've got to catch up. I always come during the catch up episodes as well and then you've got a week I I just come again

it's ambitious, I can't stop Longley refreshes Pornhub to see if there's any new videos, you've seen them all Luke cannot create content fast enough, he's got it on multiple screens like the Minority Report, right? So multiple screens when he's looking through. There's also other multiple decks to wank off as well.

It's a proper system. The problem is that because of my long-running BBC joke on Facebook, all my suggested videos are out of sync with what I actually enjoy. You're saying you don't enjoy big black cocktails? I don't enjoy it. In fact, I actively avoid it. Honestly.

You just can't imagine it's you? You can't imagine it's you. Take a note. I can imagine with the length and the girth and the motion. It's just when they go, guan, guan. Like, it's not for me. The patois.

The guan, guan. You know when they're doing that? Guan, guan. I don't get it. It's not for me. It's not the kind of thing I'm into. That's one thing I noticed about VR porn. Have you tried VR porn yet, David?

No. Oh, it's... As someone that air quotes has not tried it, it's wonderful. What, popular quest or playstation? A playstation where you've got to do, you've got to download it onto a hard drive and then put it, it should be easier through the quest because it's Microsoft and they care fucking less about what you do to it. But with a playstation you install it on a different hard drive and you run it through there. But the two things they've got wrong about it at the moment is because the perspective is all fucked up so it looks like they're giant women saying yeah and like it's proper like when they go and say it in your face it's it's a scary thing and the only other two problems with that is well i've seen on you know i've downloaded quite a few of the videos to see

what it was there's only whites there's like it's clearly they're just assuming that there's going to be no people of colour using VR porn because it's just a big dick out there which must be devastating for them, like you're a fucking black guy, you're ready to get some VR porn, and then you look down and you've got a smaller cock than what you're used to, you're like this is worse than actual reality

I didn't have that problem like I'm going to say I tell you what though, I had a bigger belly than I actually had in real life and I got bodiedmorphia within the VR I feel like I'm really seriously missing out I need to sort that out what's

yeah well the difficult thing is is because it's obviously when you put it on you can't see anything it's a real it's a real danger wank

it's the you know it's a 20-20 danger wank yeah it's the immersive experience of everything oh god yeah I'd have to do it, I'm in my office now

but even that's not got a lock on it and the thing is you guys don't have the possibility of kids coming in, that's the biggest issue only because I've tied them up properly that's the worst that's the worst way to find out that I'm gay

I don't want to find out that way I don't need them finding out that way, I want to sit down and talk to them, I don't want them to walk in and see me cracking one off over some chemsex daisy chain I'm going to have to google that later on to find out what sort of shit you're into and then I'm going to be able to hold later on to find out what sort of shit you're into and then I'm going to

be able to hold myself that's one thing do you reckon do you reckon there's like you know I mean obviously men talk well people talk about watching porn

all the fucking time but we never talk about specific videos do you reckon like there's one you know there's one porn video that's like the Kevin Bacon of porn videos

that like just that connects all people but we just don't know is connected as all two girls one club I've not seen that genuinely not no

I read the book didn't want to spoil it so yeah maybe there is what is so because when I put my porn list up on Twitter Kai said me and him had some crossover

but I guess I don't know wait you put your porn list up on twitter kai said me and him had um some crossover but um i guess i don't know wait you pick a porn list up and do it oh it's so it was one of those things like comedians were putting up notes of like jokes that not finished and i just put my my notes is just like porn actresses that's all anyway but so net porn actresses their heights and their dress and their weights anyway but porn actresses their heights

and their dress and their weight star signs and which comedians they're married to hang on someone at the door what do you want

come on in what's up we'll get another guest on the podcast Eddie's trying Eddie's trying to play sport but it's keep on doing the same thing that happened.

Right, I'll come down in a minute and sort it out, okay? Okay. Alright, sorry about that. Don't worry about it. No, it's okay. Yeah, er... Are you waiting for me? No, no, it was Joe who was the only one.

Was he the only one about any who there your fucking eight year old wife what about Deep Throat have you seen Deep Throat which one

the original I don't think so that's the that's no I haven't seen that either can I I don't think

I've seen an actual porn movie now on the tapes and that. You always fast forward it through. That's why Gonzo porn went through the roof. Gonzo from the Muppets? The fucking one with the massive nose.

What the fuck is Gonzo porn? You don't know what Gonzo porn is. That's the style of porn is that's the that's the that's the style of porn where there's no story that's when it all changed when it went on the internet

so it used to be a movie and it used to be the fucking plumber and all that shit and then it just went do you know what people just want the sex that's why they all went

to the 20 minute clips then they went to the POV so Seymour Butts changed everything with his POVs yeah and then Butt's changed everything with his POV's yeah and then it's now it's gone back to parody porn so the movies are back on track which is quite weird

you like a fucking encyclopedia? historian? but I was chatting to Paul Smith about this on my podcast and he likes Zev Belringer have you heard of her? she just looks as a stage name

probably yeah but the she I missed Mrs Bellringer sorry sorry she doesn't ring a bell

the she she does that whole like looking straight into the camera she's a great actress but she looks in the camera and she goes

oh mummy's so horny and like you have to get your mom pregnant and smith's well into all that fucking shit he's he's a dog he's absolutely she's good then he says to me oh i found a porn actress that looks just like your wife and i'm like oh nice one thanks yeah and then it was. Unbelievable. You know, she's not lost her job during this time then.

She's not lost her job. So, you've just finished her, haven't you? So you're alright? Yeah, yeah. We just said this before. I've just finished her.

I'll be fine. You know, I live with Ryan Cullen. He's the one that's now, he's high risk. He's just got the email from the government telling them that he has to stay indoors for 12 fucking weeks.

Ryan Cullen's low income, high risk, so he's fucking losing his mind. Jesus Christ. Well, if he thinks it's 12 weeks, he's in for a big shock. You reckon it's going? This is till December. This is fucking it. Yeah, you know what?

I think it's going to be a lot longer because china's gonna keep getting it they went they didn't go in to trickle it into the society they went in to shut it down and it's just gonna keep going in well i was reading this thing that an epidemiologist wrote earlier and she said that the fact that we delayed it a little bit might benefit us because a few more people got it and it's gonna because it's gonna come back you know yeah i think this is it for comedy i think earliest christmas before it's even thought about again you know but everyone's got to play the game like my jujitsu school's closed for two weeks and they say we're going to re-examine it in two weeks like you're sure you're just sure just admit it don't fucking string me on so I

have to keep paying me dues which I will do because I like dues but this is it this is it now this is there's a lot of comedians in a big

state of denial so it's it's it's great watching them all struggle and flounder. Well, I mean, that's, I mean, that's literally the opposite of what this segment is,

but that's why we had you on first. Every week we should talk to another comedian and they'll talk about how much they're struggling. And then halfway through it, we'll just conference call you and just so you can laugh at them for the rest of the podcast I'm not laughing at the struggle it was the immediate announcement by several whose diary I would

exchange in a heartbeat, like I would swap my diary with theirs just immediately started pleading in poverty I'm fucked, I'm fucked in two weeks I'm dead and you're like well

you die then you're not fucking you've not planned ahead you're an adult fucking grow up so yeah I've not got a great deal of sympathy

for some people for a lot of people I've got a great deal like plumbers bar staff at comedy clubs where's their fucking GoFundMe

you know what I mean are people even doing GoFundMes? Have you not seen the big comedy one? I haven't been on Facebook. I saw... I'm on Facebook and Twitter, so... Well, NextUp's running one and they're trying to raise £100,000.

And they're going to distribute that somehow. I've no fucking idea how. They're going to distribute it somehow, no fucking idea how, they're going to distribute it to those comedians in need. It's like, well, who's that? Who's it going to be? Who are they going to give it to? And it's just the way it is. I could do it.

Will Daniel get the save as Colin? Well, Colin might be a good example of someone who might need £10,000 well only for his fucking death it'll honestly just be cheaper if he dies

and maybe that's I haven't stopped he can still be in the house how much does he cost the NHS? Irish I mean he's just he's just moved over

it's Irish does he get a ventilator or anything like that He's just moved over He's Irish Does he get a ventilator Or anything like that? Oh he's moved over Oh right I can Because he's Dr Rangham

The one You know The busy health professionals That haven't got time on their hands Rang Cullen personally To tell him to not get it That was advice Don't do it

Because if you get it You're fucked I'm allowed to go on a ventilator. You're on a ventilator. Someone else will die. Anyway, thanks for the phone call. See you soon. Well, that's interesting.

Are you guys familiar with the nocebo effect? You know the placebo, but there's nocebo. No, but I'm not aware of it. So it's where you basically, they did a test with people who were gluten intolerant and they gave them food and then told them it had gluten in it and they all reacted exactly the same as they would but the problem

was that there was no gluten in the food they just convinced themselves so everyone now who's getting a cough and the reason the fucking NHS is overrun is because when people would normally have the flu and just deal with it at home they think they've got this virus so they're going in they're getting tested only 94 percent of people 94 percent of people who got tested for it haven't got it so it's being overrun by people who are just like i've got i've got it i've got it

and warn you won't know who them people are remember when you're in school if somebody has like an alcoholic non-alcoholic beer by accident or something and they're we all know who them people are remember when you're in school if somebody has an alcoholic non-alcoholic beer by accident or something and they're pretending to be drunk yeah my mate

they gave him they cut out an E from a Benson & Hedges packet and gave it to him and told him it was an ecstasy tablet and he was like oh I love you

I love you he put his arms around him he'd fucking he'd had cardboard he was just stepping up I totally agree they're the people I love you. He'd cut his arms out. He'd fucking, he'd had cardboard. He was just stepping up. Were there people that fall for hypnosis? Yeah.

So what happened if they cut the A and the I and the D and the S off it and they gave that to him, would he also start showing the signs for that?

I love you. Please don't. I think we've lost Lonely has he froze I thought that was just what he was doing just smiling to death

I thought I thought he was just I thought he was just still still grinning for ages I was like

fuck he's trying to figure out what AIDNS means alright Dave do you have anything do you have anything to plug before you go help your child's wife

with whatever game she was stuck on they're stuck on sport so I've got to go and deal with that no because there's no gigs you can listen to my podcast

I did one with Eddie Who today and it's pretty strong we do genuinely we are both a big fan of your podcast so we do genuinely yeah and that's called arguing we do genuinely we are both a big fan of your podcast so we do genuinely yeah

and that's called Arguing for the Sake of Arguing Arguing for the Sake of Arguing yeah I mean the bulk of my listenership has come from you so I'm very grateful for that

good good okay well most of our fans are decent and they can take a fucking joke and not get offended by things I did a poll on...

You know how you can give the political leaning thing? You take the political test and you find out where you are on the matrix. Every single one of them is left socialist. All of them. So they're all crying out for this kind of fucking proper comedy. You know, the shit you guys do.

I'm not fucking made of human, guilty feminist wank. Maybe I told a good joke today. Do you want to hear it? How about that? Yeah. Do you want to hear the joke? Are we going to have to edit it out? Why did Sophie Hagen eat a baby?

Why? Because she was given a menu and it said baby or salad. Come on. I don't think she listens to this podcast. I highly doubt it. You can cut it out anyway. Yeah, that's all I've got to plug.

Saying that though, saying that though, I heard that me and Elliot and Jamali were mentioned in Sarah Pascoe's book because of something we said on this podcast, so you never know who's listening. All right. People are the least expectant.

It's just a joke, you fat fuck. Calm down. That's the crack, eh? Nobody's safe. All right. on that note lonely we'll see you later on

what do you need me to do hang up alright hang up bye love you see ya

thanks for coming on who was that oh no idea who the fuck was that wrong number

I think I fucking hate when that happens I thought he was with you right should we should we go through our dad jokes?

I've got dad jokes. Have you got anything to plug? Every Friday at noon-ish, I'm going to do a day drinking with Daniel just on Instagram Live. It's just going to be me drinking for half an hour. Good. When are you doing that?

Friday. Friday at noon-ish. Friday. So this podcast, just so people know they're back on track, I'm going to post it at midnight on Monday. So first thing Monday, a minute past midnight, Monday morning, and a minute past midnight, Thursday morning. So it'll be there for you before you get out of bed on Sunday

or when you get up on Monday. Likewise, Wednesday and Thursday. So we'll get that regular again? All right. We'll try and figure out the audio. This isn't exactly ideal, but we'll work it out. We'll try and get a better version of it than this. Yes. Also, I'm gonna

chuck on Knitten Instagram Live where I knit on Instagram Live. Let's say I'll do that on fucking... Follow me on social media, at Kai Humphries. I'll tell you when I'm gonna do the Knitten Instagram and I'll do that on fucking I don't know follow me on social media at Kai Humphries I'll tell you what I'm going to do

on Instagram and I'll do lessons also my show's available you've got that use the discount code COVID19 capital COVID

capital 19 and I'll do cameos for you if you want a cameo I can do your personalised Team Muggins messages sweet so that's my timetable your dad leaves comments do cameos for you if you want a cameo I can do your personalised team muggins messages sweet so that's my

timetable your dad leaves comments on Pornhub he noticed there's like a share button on Pornhub

your dad requested that who the fuck shared that he was sick of typing out the URLs into his Nokia 33

your dad's convinced he's already had coronavirus last November out the urls into his nokia 3310 your dad's convinced he's already had coronavirus last november uh your dad films himself crying and watches it back so he can gaslight your mum properly your dad's stuck that one tampons because if the supply chain gets affected he can sell them at a premium. Your dad wanted liposuction so he shoved a Henry Hoover up his ass. But not the sucky bit. The full Hoover. Right.

Whimsy. Your dad forgot to buy toilet roll and he's been wiping his ass with tampons. Your dad learned the N-word in sign language. Your dad has been coughing on blankets and giving them to Native Americans. Your dad signs off every email with send from my iPhone even though he has a Blackberry. He types it in manually. Your dad is so bored in quarantine that he's covered in carpet burns from sliding down the stairs on his front. Your dad thinks Boris Johnson has absolutely smashed it so far.

He does. I think he does. Your dad ran and jumped through his living room window Landing on his front lawn in a shower of glass Like a stuntman Because he's bored Your dad misses Diana every day Like father like son

Your dad is so bored Bored and quarantined that he velcroed his ceiling Put on a woolen onesie and brought the trampoline indoors. Your dad hasn't let Covid-19 ruin his favourite pastime of giving out free wet willies. Your dad is so fucking bored that he has spent the entire day moving from one side of the house to the other so slowly that he didn't set the alarm sensors off God that does sound fun Good game you Piggy and Cullen

and Troy Alright Your dad bites other people's fingernails Especially when he's scared during the movie he's like Oh no!

In his boarding your dad strategically placed mirrors around his house so that when the cat's in the living room he can tease it with a laser pen from his bed

your dad calls clams sea vaginas your dad has put your Netflix specials on his watch list for when he gets round to it

he got a like to my face and said he loved them aye so you know what we're still having time we'll take it to the next podcast maybe

can you hold this oh yeah right we'll remember to bring that up in the next podcast, maybe. All right. Can you hold this? Oh, yeah, right, we'll remember to bring that up in the next, but this podcast was more of a test of the new technology more than anything else. Aye.

A test of the, new segment, so do bear with us, with this, you know, we'll give this, we'll give this episode a solid C rating. It wasn't our finest,

but I still, it was, you know, it was a work in progress. Well, back in the game, I am going to, I'm going to fuck with the levels

now see if I can get you some parts it's going to be a bit tinny but I'll see if I can get you on I'm looking at it I'll talk to you about this after

the podcast alright I'll see you later I'll log this up bye