Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 10. Deats by Bre

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

Cream has new internet and a fancy security system, Muggins has been struggling with his wife Addastripe purchases. Life in the fast lane. They also lay into lads getting knock off haircuts from home.

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' Muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, Muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

There's 99 muggins and cream on the wall. 99 muggins and cream. Take one down and pass it around. There's 98 muggins and cream on the wall. I'm not a fan of that one. Do you want to do it for the full podcast? Man. God, like part of me is so tempted to just,

like just the full fucking thing the pain of us singing the entire thing and just going there you go there's the new low you're never allowed to complain about any podcast again as we because some of them would listen all the way through some of them would absolutely go we have to listen to the whole thing in case there's a secret message in there. Do you know, more than one person have been in touch about one thing or another, but introducing themselves as, I'm a hardcore podcast listener,

and I'm talking, listen all the way through the Amsterdam podcasts, level OG. Oh, Jesus. The reference, that hits difficult. Aye, which is why I respect it. Well, I know respect's a strong word. Oh, they're in for a penny now.

I've just had a nightmare. What? Right. Is it an actual nightmare or is it on the scheme of things a nightmare? Oh, I mean, you can be the judge. I've found things I call a nightmare now aren't a nightmare? Oh, I mean, you can be the judge. I've found things I call a nightmare

now aren't a nightmare. Right, so, well, I mean, it's not your level. I didn't cry because a pastry didn't rise. Like, not that. Whoa!

I hadn't defrusted it and I didn't cry. I should have said the first one first. I didn't specifically buy a set of double yolk eggs and only one of them had a one egg, one yolk in it and it fucked my plan for my tiramisu.

None of that. You had a nightmare. You were tossing and turning in bed, sweating into your bed sheets and that. Piggy waking you up, are you all right, darling? Ah, it's the double yolks. So I've got a...

You were phoning me at five. That's when we're doing the podcast, right? So I'm ready. And obviously you phoned the landline because my internet's shit, which I'll give you an update on after this. Okay. But also I have a security system in my house.

So obviously it's gate. We've got a fence up and then I've got a gate. And you can't just open the gate. You've got to press a buzzer and the buzzer phones the house and we answer and then you press a button and it opens the gate

for whoever's there oh so the house phones the intercom the intercom phones the house but like the yeah the landline yeah and that's what you buzz in with yeah yeah

so that's what you've and if the landline doesn't answer what it means is basically if the landline doesn't answer it then goes to my phone and then goes to Cara's phone and then goes to Colin's phone so even if we're out of the house we can get a

delivery we can still have somebody coming i mean obviously that doesn't matter now since we're all confined to our houses but this was booked in before this all happened so basically it means i get normal phones from the landline and i get people at the front door into the fucking landline the phone rings at 5 p.m i go there's my good friend, Kai Humphrey. He's ready to do a podcast. And I answer up and I go, hello, prostitute stuffers, you kill them, we fill them. And who was it?

The fucking delivery guy. Which key work had to do? Some poor fucking delivery guy. So I go out of there and he goes goes what? and I was like uh oh so I'm pointing at Cara

I'm like go get I can't fucking go to the door now like Bart Simpson and I was crematorium you kill him we grow up exactly

that's pretty much where I got it from went out there just a bloke he was like what did you say there? and I was like oh it's just a weird

answer for sorry man that's why I had to come out and answer it physically you lied to him to his face to, oh, it's just a weird answer phone. Sorry, man. That's why I had to come out and answer it physically. And it was, you lied to him. To his face.

To his absolute face. It's the answer phone. Not, oh, I just thought it was somebody else. You were like, no, everyone gets that much.

No, no, no. No, no. Because I'm not going to fucking sit there and explain the concept of it phoned my house. So I thought it was

a call from a mate from a blog. All he thinks is he's pressed a fucking intercom. Oh, are you having a... Oh God, we seem to have... I don't know if he's still recording but I can't hear you.

Aw, have I lost Daniel? He's dead. I don't know how he can lose signal on a landline. That's the worst signal ever if he's losing signal on a landline. I'm ringing him back. Alright mate, this is a clusterfuck Alright mate This is a clusterfuck Daniel That wasn't me That wasn't me that time Was that not you?

We were on a professional outfit Nah Oh Mate perhaps it was You know I've never cut off before but You're on a landline So chances are it was me

Aye that was my theory Aye There's someone not ringing the house what if someone rings the doorbell while you're on the phone to me like this

then it'll not answer so it'll go straight to my mobile phone ah which you're recording on exactly but I would still be able oh

mate if anyone comes round yours this podcast is ruined well no I think it was ruined several years ago I've been treating little

you know I've mentioned it on previous podcasts but treating little things like they're an absolute nightmare and it's just fucking constantly and the one today

was I tried Natalie bought a juicer oh aye and I put I put half a juicer Oh aye And I put I put half a cucumber in Some celery sticks

Some chopped up apple And some spinach And I pressed the button And it spun running down the bottom And now it happened And I was just like I was trying to push through And I didn't know what to do

And then I ended up with Loads of wood in me smoothie And then I realised like Something Natalie does And it like Because you remember Sorry can I just ask? Did you put any water into that?

I ended up putting some water in to see if that would work, and it didn't. But that wasn't in the recipe. It didn't work. What did work is if I chopped it up so finely, I almost made the juice with a knife. And then do it. I thought you could just put the bits in,

and then it chops them. Anyway, Natalie buys, like, not knock-off stuff, but, you know, like, the add-a-stripe version of everything. Yes. Like, she was, like, I went to get OxoCubes in the shop the other day, and she was like, hey, you can get the normal-priced ones for cheaper. Like, she works a decent job. She's got money in the bank, you know.

She's got savings, which is probably why. Aye, but she is also she's definitely uh that's the most scottish part of her i i said like i just didn't get it because it felt like for about 10 quid more we could have had a kenwood or a nutribullet or whatever like because it's a multi one you know she wants it for a food processor for digging her cakes as well so a nutribullet wouldn't have sufficed she She needed one of them multi-purpose ones. But I haven't actually got like Emporium or something. I like, we've got a Bluetooth speaker. It's DOS.

Fucking DOS. We've got both. Sorry. Deets by Bray. It's like fucking, what the What's his fucking, she's got an Apple Schneid phone. There's a Snapple iPhone, actually.

Snapple? I just don't understand it. I don't get it either. I know one thing. We can't have kids. They'll get bullied. Go to private school with fake shoes on. But we can't have kids because my condoms are not...

Dulux? I thought they made paint I that's what the character is the exact same thing with me I'm like I need to buy this thing she's I'll do it and I was like why she goes because you won't look for a deal I was like god damn right I won't I'll look for the I'll look for the thing that I want and I'm not going to be sure there's a

cheaper version of it here and I go no there's a lesser version of it there I kind I go, no, there's a lesser version of it there. I kind of get the like, you know, if some people hate Apple because they're smart, like your dad would hate Apple because like you can understand how to get the most out of it, like out of a PC. But like sometimes if you're just a divvy, you just want the expensive thing that works. Oh, yeah. And in your head, the money means it's, I don't know. Sometimes if you're just a divvy, you just want the expensive thing that works. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in your head, the money means it's, I don't know, you go, well, if it costs that much, it would have to work. I probably used a bad example there with laptops and Macs because Macs are probably... Macs are shite. Shite, aye. No, Macs are not... Macs are probably actually, from what they're capable of doing and what they're made of probably

should be sold at I'm going to say 10% of what they're sold as Maine's an expensive dictaphone I have a laptop that costs £300 and I'm not kidding it can run Mac it can run a full Mac laptop on itself aye

but I just I'm sure I can get a full Mac laptop on itself. Aye. But I just, like, I'm sure I can get more out of my laptop. I just don't, like, I don't watch TV on it because I watch that on the TV. And even when I'm travelling, I watch it on my iPad. I barely write on it because I'm either in the notes on my phone or writing with a notepad and pen. So I didn't even use it as a typewriter. I record the podcast on it. Man, even video editing I do on my iPad now. so I didn't even use it as a typewriter I record the podcast on it man

even video editing I do on my iPad now does anyone want to buy a laptop? God if this podcast just descends and ties it's like that suit what cameo's not getting you enough money in just now so you're just fucking fobbing off all of the knock off shit Natalie made you buy?

Does anyone want a CAC laptop? You're a fucking imperial leather fucking smoothie maker. Well, she'd love my new internet provider, the fact that I've got a fucking boat full. We've kept that going going the brands making things off brand what else was I going to say I've released my book about you for pre-sale

that's started selling already I've already just put it on social media and I quoted you on the back, I misquoted you on the back of it so you are well within your rights to Suez by the way aye but for what

your fucking shite blender now hey I've got I've got Eminem's Infinite album on LP

I'll have you know but it's spelled M&M Natalie bought you as a Christmas present because she did the same when you went to when you went to

Hawaii did she not just well no oh yeah she got with like WestJet she travelled through

WestJet and it fucking took 67 hours to get there and you're like you know if you just pay that extra couple of hundred pounds for British Airways,

you'll get a glass of champagne and you'll be there 60 hours sooner. Aye, and also, because it's British Airways, if they fuck up, British Airways do this really weird thing where they take responsibility for it and then they fix it for you.

Aye. Apologising that to make you feel like it wasn't your fault. Aye, whereas WestJet will be like, well, it's obviously clearly your fault the flight's delayed. I tell you what, I knew you wanted to go to Hawaii, how about we send you to Canada, and you go, that's not even remotely what I said

Aye, because I see the point now, because we were playing, what was the game again, his and hers or something him and her, Mr and Mrs, that was the one and you asked a question who is the most extravagant of you and your partner and how does it work again, did we have to say, who is the most extravagant? I. If you and your partner.

And how does it work again? Did we have to say it and then the audience would vote? No, no, no, no. So what it is, is like you stand back to back and you both have a card, which is him, well, Mr. and Mrs., him and her, whatever. So you stand back to back. I would ask a question,

which one of you is most likely to die in a car crash? And then if you think Kai's most likely to die in a car crash you hold up the him thing if you think Natalie's most likely to die in a car crash you hold up the her thing and then if your answers are correct you get a point but if your answers are if you vote for you and she votes for her

different answers you get no points and you have a domestic in front of all of your friends and it's very fun and amazing I wonder if anyone's ever lost a partner in a car crash and they've remembered the game that they played like three years ago and just went ha ha ha told you fucking see told you that's the entire eulogy it's just them above the coffin going neener neener neener fucking told you so so yeah the whole thing was um that's funny i just i just nearly steamrolled out of there and I just thought I'd give you a

late laugh. Alright, thanks for the narrative as well. So we were talking, it was who was the most extravagant between and I said her and she said me and everybody agreed with her and I had a domestic with every last one of you. You properly did, you decided to turn it to one

at once. I was like it doesn't matter if it's me against nine. Like, if I'm right, it's the truth that I'm looking for here. I bet you weren't right. Because, I mean, I see it now in the fact that she gets all the knockoff gear, but she spends way more money on knockoff gear than I spend on not knockoff gear. I just get less stuff. But that aside, if you look around to a hoose

and look at like you know if you just made a pile of what stuff's here and what stuff's made you're complaining about a bargain hunter now I obviously

take the point because you and me this is a very annoying discussion for a lot of people listening to the podcast because you and me are both on the same side because we're both

lazy bastards who are doing well aye like I think most people would be very much on an Atlee and Cara side which is obviously we're both lazy bastards who are doing well. Aye. Like, I think most people would be very much on an Atlee and Cara side, which is obviously you look for a deal, companies are trying to fucking rip you off. Why are you complaining about these patient angels?

Well, it's just, I think it's like plaster and over. Like, these cheap deals are a veneer on how much is actually extravagant compared to me. If you look at my wedding, do you see her dress compared with my outfit? I mean, if I was wearing that dress, I would be the extravagant one.

You know what I'm saying? And then, if you look in the wardrobe, there's just one shelf with my three t-shirts, two pairs of jeans, and seven pairs of boxers on, and all of the other clothes are hers, like a different item for every day of the year. Now, if that was the other way around,

if that wardrobe was all my clothes and then just a little pile of hers in the corner, like Dick Whittington's on full of his T-tool, I'd be the extravagant one. I'd have a house from my sofa by buying a knock-off fucking blender. No, I think I've seen Natalie's wardrobe, but it's not an extravagant, it's

the normal, you and I just have a small amount of clothing, because we travel all the time. I will have to be able to live out of a bag. And also, also, you, like, we'll admit this, you and I have never given a single fuck about anything fashionable. Like, we don't. I go through

phases where I'm like, I'm going to see if I can buy clothes that maybe look good. And then after a week of wearing them, I'm like I'm going to see if I can buy clothes that maybe look good and then after a week of wearing them I'm like oh I forgot you have to iron shirts I'll just never buy a shirt again I'm not buying I'm not buying clothes that comes with further fucking chores I need something that can be kicked into a fucking washing

machine with everything else I feel like such a try hard when I dress well if I dress good I feel like such a try-hard when I dress well. If I dress good, I feel like I'm going, hey, guys, hey, look, I've just done this. I've polished this. Hey, here's a shiny turd.

Somebody threw glitter on it. Here we come. I generally dress like, oh, look, these guys don't want to see me dick or me tits. I'll put these on. Well, there's a question for you. Because I've got prices in my head, right? What is the most you're willing to spend on an item of clothing, right? What's the maximum you pay for a pair of shoes?

And not fancy dress shoes. Like, I'm wearing these most time. It's either stay shoes or walking around shoes. If I was in the shop and I saw the pair of shoes I like and they were 65p, I'd buy them. But would you buy a pair of shoes? If there were any more than that, I'd probably chop around a bit. Aye.

Maximum I'll spend on shoes is 70. Maximum I'll spend on jeans is, well, I buy the same jeans. Every single one of them is just... So whatever the Levi's black one is, I've got four pairs of those. But thankfully I'll never have to buy another pair for another six years. And then with top

half clothing, at fucking most, 20 quid on a shirt. Aye. 20 bucks for a T-shirt. Aye. But beyond that, I'm like, fucking,

I better get a thousand. There are people out there, comedians, very well-dressed and attractive comedians, who spend, to go into a shop and spend a thousand pounds

on clothes, for me is, that's like six years worth of clothes and you're not doubling up any of them. Some people do wear fashion well, though. Like, Joel Dommett looks like the money he spends. He looks great with the clothes he buys. Carl Donnelly, like, fucking...

I'm sure he does, like... He gets, like, vintage stuff and that, doesn't he? I don't know. Like, I imagine he shops at charity shops and all that, right? But he fucking... He probably pursues fashion. These lads look, they look good. Like, if I start pursuing fashion, if I need anything other than jeans and T-shirt,

I don't know, I just feel, I feel like I'm above me pay grade. Like, look at this guy trying to get into a club. I've just never really given I've never I do like dressing smart for a wedding though when there's a when there's a sense

of ceremony to the occasion I like making an effort oh I like if it's new year and everyone else is like should we put on

like a suit or should we dress fancy I'll be like I'll go for that but there's no surely Joel Domet doesn't dress like

Joel Domet during the lockdown that would that's stupid surely we Dormant doesn't dress like Joel Dormant during the lockdown that would that's stupid surely we need to ask him that maybe so because like

maybe it makes him feel good maybe it does he probably does his hair and that like I've I mean I've been I've been working out so I have been making an effort

with my appearance in that way but as far as my hair and that guns and what I'm wearing I'm just an absolute fucking slob. It's kind of nice at this point that you don't have to put the effort in because it's physically impossible for your bird to cheat on you. Aye, and I haven't seen her in make-up for a fucking week,

so I'm forgetting what she really looks like. So much like your wife, you're dating the knock-off version of your wife. That's an absolutely horrible thing to say. Off-brand. That's not what it looked like in the advert. Like you had a burger on the menu on the top of the burger shop. There's a question for you.

What's the first restaurant you're going to go to once this is all done oh I think Flatirons closed I don't know

Flatirons closed for good which I'm sad about because that would have been the answer that would have been the one

you go straight to I think they might have just folded when it all happened I hope not

I hope they pop back up I hope they're just like at least it all happened. I hope not. I hope they pop back up. I hope they're just like fucking, that lease was in an end or something. So instead of paying rent or furloughing the staff or whatever the fuck happens, they just collapsed and they're going to re-pop back up again. I hope so. What, during that fucking big ass recession that's on its way?

Or that is already here? There's got to be half as many restaurants and pubs and that. I'm a bit sad about that. Like, I love that there was like a fucking absolute fucking wealth of places to eat and drink. And I didn't think we're going to have

the same amount of choice. I quite fancy Wagamamas at this point. You can get them ordered though, can't you? You can get them delivered. Aye, Wagamamas. I mean, I'm not,

I mean, we're actually eating quite well during all of this because you just do big fucking group shops and then do a big group meal. It's quite easy to eat well when you're at home. Well, I mean, man, for the first time ever in my life

I've had some semblance of routine. Aye. You starting to look good yet? I always look good, baby. Nah, nah, you starting? Aye, I'm still, you know, I still do gym shit. I fucking hate it, man. You spent some time in the mirror, yeah?

What? I get stuck in the mirror from time to time trying to find the best angles and that. No, I mean, I look better than I did when I was on tour. I'm just making sure that I'm working it, but I'm not working it from, you know, I'm working it just because, like, you should be doing it every day, because otherwise I'd be doing literally fucking nothing, and God, I get jealous of absolutely anyone that gets

any form of an endorphin from any fucking exercise, I've never, like, I remember when I was young, I used to, like, after, like, going to the gym for a bit, you'd come and be like, I feel fucking great, I've worked out five days a week for the past five weeks and not a single session have I fucking enjoyed it

no from it are you not even feeling better in yourself nope just like fitter nah not as good as

I feel when I'm fucking high right I'll fucking I'll do a fucking high intensity fucking workout thing I'll fucking do fucking weights I'll do like an high intensity fucking workout thing I'll fucking do fucking weights

I'll do like an hour proper sweating at the fucking end of it and I'll be like to my brain I'm like do you have any do I get any form of reward for that and he's like I tell you what you're going to be shite to breathe for the next 15 minutes and also when you

shower you're still going to sweat afterwards. I can offer you that. And I'm like, no serotonin? There's no... He's like, sorry, I can't. One puff of weed and he's like, serotonin? Buddy, come on in.

I've got fucking heaps of it. Fill your boots. Come on, mate. You see, I'm still getting nowed. You know, I was getting... When I was doing yoga all the time, I've done it once this week, but when I was doing it every day,

I enjoyed doing it, right? But I didn't know when I was doing yoga all the time, I've done it once this week, but when I was doing it every day, I enjoyed doing it, right? But I didn't know what I was enjoying and I didn't know what I was getting from it. I was like, is this snake oil? Is yoga absolute pure snake oil? Because I like the ritual of it, but the same way the ritual of smoking. You know what I mean? I quite enjoyed that for 20 minutes a day i'd just make these shapes with my body and do a move in that and i'm taking a pose like i'm posing like this i'm like but what am i doing what am i getting into this though i think mostly i

think a lot of yoga is snake oil like the bits that are obviously true which is uh says like in the same way that a lot of meditation is snake oil. The second meditation is line your chakras, open your third eye, blah, blah, blah. That's all horseshit. Here's the actual bit about meditation that works. Sitting down and controlled breathing for 10 to 15 minutes with your phone out of your hand while you're just focusing on yourself, taking 10 minutes of controlled breathing to clear your air and be undistracted that's good for your health the rest of the shit they throw in with it

is absolute fucking horseshit and i think it's the same with yoga right stretching is good stretching is genuinely good for the body it makes you looser it warms up the body like there is a start it can help your gut and things like that. If you do yoga every morning, there's legitimate. Here's the science that backs it up. This is good for you. And then there's the other yoga,

which is like, if you do this pose correctly, the sun will shine directly down your urethra and fill you with the energy of 10,000 lunar moons. And you're like, fucking you need to die. Aye. There was one bit where I was in, and you're like, fucking, you need to die. Aye. There was one bit

where I was in the Warrior 2 pose, and Adrienne and Benji said, feel the energy flowing down your arms, past your elbows, past your fingertips, and feel the energy keep going past your fingertips and that, and I was like,

hold on a minute, right? Like, science-wise, there might be a little bit of heat emitting from your fingertips. There might be the smell of your mouth. There might be some form of fucking energy coming off your fingertips. But I'm not the fucking low-budget Matilda.

I'm not going to rock a fucking Coke can on the bench I'm there. Like, there's no energy coming off your fingertips. So stop that chat right now. Immediately. That's what happens to me when I do guided meditation. Some of it's really good

because it's just like, you know, deep breathing, like, learn about what you control control taking the time for yourself and a lot of them are really good it's like hey here's what's going on in the world center to yourself be there and it's it's just decent enough the second one of them says third eye i could be fucking seven i'll turn it off i can't do it i'm, I don't believe anything else you've got to say anymore. Do you believe anything like, have you seen True Detective season two where Rachel McAdams' dad

in the episode says to Colin Farrell's character, you've got a big aura. It's huge. Do you believe shit like that? No, no, no, not at all. I'm not. So you don't think someone can have like,

because that's not like an energy coming off them it's like other people's perception of them and like like you you can you can actually fucking change a room where you can make a room be fucking everyone anyone wants to talk or you can make it where everyone's fucking buzzing depending on what your mood is like so people could say you've got a big aura. I don't think that's aura. I think that is fucking good old-fashioned fucking pack shit, like tactics from millions and millions of fucking years ago. I think that's just... Look, in the same way that I reckon, if chimpanzees are there and a gorilla starts flinging shit out a window,

they're all going to be like, let's not go anywhere near the fucking gorilla. That gorilla's got a big aura. He's flinging shit shit he may kill him that's what i mean by aura anything could happen for me most of it like it's like i think with yoga and meditation like a lot of it is true in the sense of you know the things i've already said. Stretching is good for you. Breathing is good for you. But then they just offer their voodoo on top of it. So it's like there's like every bit of it. There's like

20% of truth and fact. And then just each person is just like a different baker trying to get you to eat their shit. Right? Well, they're cooking with shit. Like they go, I'm very good at baking a cake here, but I need to get my absolute fucking

bullshit in here somehow or another so they'll just do the thing where you go it's normal there's no spirits and then BAM they turn into Milo

aye aye but er I think it may just be the interpretation of it though like you know when you say

you know when we've had them nights out where we've went oh I wish Colin was here, but he's actually there right next to you. That's a small aura. No better than

mugging off your mate. Aye. Who, Colin? Not my mate, is he yours? Your flatmate? Your house pet? A snake.

You're a pet human? You're a snunky? I'm a blankie. You just walk downstairs with it clutched in your hand, sucking your thumb. It stinks of my saliva. Holding them round the waist and your forefinger and thumb are touching. holding them round the waist and your forefinger and thumb are touching

have you got any or do we have any Muggle Corner suggestions? nah I wrote the head in Muggle and then I didn't write any oh well I've got two let's discuss yours Muggles still

make Corona jokes. Aye. What about the drink? Aye, man. The amount of people... This has been around since December. It is now whatever month it is. All I know is it's not February.

And February is when those jokes stop being funny. I can't remember who it was, but I watched a fucking stream of a comedian the other day and they just did the box of Corona there where they're like, oh, can't go in there. I'm like, fuck, can't. It's April. That joke is dead.

Stop that. Like, how have you managed to turn this already into like fucking run, forest, run? How have you overused something in two months? It's absolutely expired, hasn't it? plus there's another level of mugglery of the people who seriously um don't do it for instance there's a barman uh a bar owner in uh blithe and he put on facebook i don't think we're going to sell much of this anymore what do you recommend as a replacement when we're open in a picture of his corona tap and i think it was genuine i think he was worried that people aren't going to buy it and whether that's him being a muggle

or the he is guessing right that there are enough muggles in the world that they're not going to buy it well no if anybody you know that is making any link between the two at this point well all right well you know that fucking thing that went around a couple months ago that was saying uh 38 percent of americans are no longer buying corona because they well because they're americans and they're stupid essentially was what the article says you see that when it came out yes completely fabricated not true at all that that that was fake news what about people not getting chinese it was a fake news which is you don't know where it comes from but all it is, it's the type of fake news that is designed to make you hate your neighbour.

Where you just, you know, it's instead of, you know, it's making us go, fucking other people, I hate other people. How dare this? It makes you hate 38% of people. And it's absolutely not true. Could it have been there spread by Corona? Because that would make people self-righteously go out and buy corona no no because corona came out and said that you know they were like our sales are

fine they have what they didn't do anything i man i swear to fucking god right it's the murdoch media it's all that fucking media that wants it to be and i sound like a conspiracy theorist i'm not one of those fucking 5g cunts or any of that yeah they're what they're gonna put a vaccination that's gonna to give us all inside AIDS instead of the outdoor AIDS. Fucking, you know the conspiracy theory

that every Canadian comedian who used to be funny has? Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's so common. Why is it so common in Canadians? Why are they so fucking gullible?

Why are Canadians the gulliblest cunts? Is it the, because they're all like massive stoners, but like, kind of, so are we

Like you kind of put it down to the weed Surely No no Maybe it is I mean here's my fucking My theory is Is That it's

Whether it's Murdoch's media Or one of the many many other Fuck it I mean it's definitely Murdoch I fucking hate that cunt But it's about getting the masses To fight against each other Instead of the top.

And all of this stuff, and that's what all media is doing now. Every single fucking headline is, guess what they're doing now, guess what they're doing. And if you actually read the articles and do the research, which none of us do, myself fucking included, the only reason I know this information is because I did my own research, it's because somebody else did the research

and I'm reading their research. But it's designed to make us fucking hate our neighbours and make sure that we don't topple the one percent but i don't know if that's just me going fucking mental during all this i read i read something the other day that if news is free then you're the product the news isn't the product you are like um for instance if somebody offered to sell your news you'd be dubious about if someone went hey listen to this news and i'll give you 60 pound you'll be like i'm not buying your propaganda i'm not i'm not letting you tell me how to think and engineer my brain you're not using me as your product you would you would turn it down but if they put it there for free you'll go and get it

yourself all right they don't need to pay you to read it that being said as well there also definitely are like as much as that 38 of amer Americans, you know, with the corona thing, even if that's not true, there is still a large portion of Americans standing outside hospitals with guns and protesting, like, the whole thing. Yeah, one thing I like about what Tiger King's done is it's let the masses know what Americans are like. Because good Americans that are listening to this, the ones that come to our shows,

the ones that are very self-aware of the country that they live in, are probably pleased that the Tiger King's shown the world what they're living amongst. Man, the news should be showing what they're living amongst. But the thing is, man, America, in the entire time I've known and loved America, it's genuinely deteriorating as a country. Like, it's like, I do feel like they are getting fucking dumber, man.

Like, you've still got these people who just, like, the fact that, like, the amount of things that Trump says and then the next day says something else, you can show these people, he said this, and here's the truth, and here's what he said the next day, something else you can show these people he said this and here's the truth and here's what he said the next day and they just won't process it they just won't take it on board it doesn't make any sense to us like how people

set their stall out and they can't they can't be malleable they can't have their thoughts changed by proof I think it's I think stupidity is a it's making it's making me have less fucking sympathy for the world

it's a stupidity you can't comprehend you can't even empathise with the people in it you can't put yourself in their shoes you can't run their programmes you know there was a great tweet the other day and I can't remember what it was I can't remember who it was by sorry but the tweet was if we've learned anything from

the coronavirus is that America is a third world country winning a gucci belt and it is absolutely fucking spot on this is like man no fucking free health care their education system is fucking appalling and if you want proof of that talk to most of them uh it's the it's the girl or boy that was hot in school, but they've just lost it into the 30s. And you still have a little bit of like, you still got a little bit of a crush on them, but you know they're not what they were.

You'd fuck them for your younger self. You'd fuck them just for teenage you. I think that's actually a very very good analogy i'm reading a book at the moment which i highly recommend called factfulness uh and it's basically the whole book is the world is not as bad as it seems like genuinely it's not things despite everything that's going on here's literal evidence that every year since 1900s everything has improved except for you know those two world wars, but even then incrementally the world is getting better. It's written by this

Swedish guy and in it he was talking about, I think it was like the 70s in Sweden, how there were still like open sewage systems. Sweden wasn't the country that it is just now. Maybe it wasn't the 60s, but it was when he was growing up

Sweden was quite fucking shit and obviously we now know Sweden is very, very good and it's just now. Maybe it wasn't the 60s, but it was when he was growing up. Sweden was quite fucking shit. And obviously we now know Sweden is very, very good and it's gotten better. But the way he was talking about it, he was talking about how shit Sweden was at a time when America was booming, when America was going through its greatest country. A time after World War II

when America was arguably, actually, in its history, the greatest country in the world. I mean, that ended, I'm going to say, in 1998, roughly. Would it not have been round about Vietnam, no? Oh, Vietnam, yeah. I guess the Nixon years, yeah. Yeah. There was a time when, just in general,

it was the greatest country in the world. And since then, it's gone down, but they still have the fucking... It's not only like the attractive girl in school amounting to nothing, as they always do. It's the attractive person from school and still attending the school with all the...

She's 47 years old and she just never graduated. And she just... She's held back. And and she just never graduated. And she just... She's held back. And she goes every year, she's like, I'm the biggest person in this class. And people are like,

that's not good. How are you still boasting about that? And Swede in the scruffy one with the glasses on and the braces is now... Oh, he's bogged down, man. He's like Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter series.

Fucking blossomed. Oh, right. long bottom in the Harry Potter series fucking blossomed alright alright oh fuck I wonder when I wonder when we'll be able to go to these places again like 2021

because I think even even when the lockdown stops I think the touring might have to like fucking gradually as places open one by one it might not be just like

fucking doors are open let's tour again do you reckon? well I mean who knows I think it'll not be just like doors are open let's tour again do you reckon? well I mean who knows I think it'll depend on country to country

and whichever here's the deal whatever country allows public performances is the first country we're going to ah fair one

like they say like if Austria North Korea yeah well imagine if Austria suddenly was like

hey you know we're opening up you can now perform in large venues you and me are going to tour in Austria for a week

just the full like the every town all the smaller towns that were like passed by yeah

we'll just go for a fucking gig man I mean this is the it's now getting to the point where I genuinely

I don't know whether it's just been enough time since the last tour or the fact that i've done nothing for fucking six weeks but it's uh finally the angry haze surrounding x is starting to lift oh nice that's good news i'm able to like uh because you you started hating performing and that's that's a shame all right but it's really it's really nice performing. It's really cool. It's the best job in the world. It's such a fucking cool thing to do.

It's a ridiculous job. Shame to dislike that. It wasn't... It wasn't the performance. That 90 minutes of the day was the best but it was the other 22 and a half hours. It was the constant fucking thing a half hours yeah it was the you know it was the constant

fucking thing but and also the emotional turbulence of the show as well like we've covered we've covered all this in depth when we're in it but like yeah you had you had every reason to hate performing for the last like last like eight months of that tour hi uh but in the same way that you know when people talk about is when we go into the like you've got so many fun stories you go no no no we're only telling you the good bits we don't tell you the shit bits thankfully with the amount of booze and weed I've smoked over the past couple of weeks

it's deleting slowly all the negative memories because of those oh you're getting your graduation goggles on oh I'm getting my graduation goggles like now a lot of my memories

of the tour are just all the fun we had in America all those fun dates out there like even like Japan and Tokyo I've only got the there's still a bit

of the haze there like not enough for me to turn around and be like you know it was the best time of my fucking life but I

enough that I know when I'm 50 I'll look back and be like that definitely was you know one of the best times aye

I'm ready to go on stage again I think I'm definitely ready to perform aye I've still I've still got stuff to do in the house I still want to go on stage again I think I'm definitely ready before my eye I've still got stuff to do in the house, I still want to play Final Fantasy 7

I'm on the last level, I had to pause it now the last level of XCOM 2 Oh cool I mean it's not, but for me it is So I've got to kill the three avatars I've lost Lee Critchley and Dave Longley took a hit. Oh, poor boys. I'm down to five.

Oh, by the way, the character I created for you on XCOM, I made it look as near to you as possible and then put an eyebrow ring in. Well, I was actually going to wait until the end of lockdown to reveal my eyebrow ring, but thanks for spoiling it already. Well, I was actually going to wait until the end of lockdown to reveal my eyebrow ring, but thanks for spoiling it already. I just got so bored of all these cards being like, my missus has cut my hair.

I was like, really? My missus has a stapler and a ring she doesn't need. I've pierced my eyebrow. So I have pierced the eyebrow, and it's just funny. I've given you a moody demeananour so you're always in the helicopter just like kind of restless and just looking in a huff

like oh we're there yet but you've got an eyebrow ring like mean mugging and that but looking dandy you know now that I think about it

that's another one to actually stick into Muggle Corner what's that? the muggles get their girlfriends to cut their hair

during lockdown. Oh, 100%. Man, just fucking wait. 100%. Why? To what end? I don't know. Who for? The only reason I find it fucking acceptable,

the only reason I find it acceptable is if you go, right, you know what? I'm in lockdown. I'm going to try a new haircut, right? Like, if you shaved your head fully bald just to see what you'd look like bald, get out of Muggle Corner. That's fine.

It's a weird experiment, but I'd be lying if I said the curiosity hadn't crossed my fucking mind there. But... Hi, Mickey, Mickey Bartlett. You're not in Muggle Corner, but you don't look great. But thanks for trying. I always wondered what that would look like. Yeah, yeah, I get that. But if you're just like,

well, we can't go to the hairdressers. So, no, it's not food, can't. It's not. It's not a necessity. Just flick your hair out of your eyes like I did between the ages of 18 and 21. Yes.

And also, I've said this on another medium, I think maybe on my Knitting Insta, but it's like if your car was due an MOT, right, but the garages were all shut, you wouldn't just ask your last to have a look under the bonnet. You'd wait for someone that knows what they're doing like respect respect the professionals

like the masseuses shut the masseuses shut I'm not going to ask I'm not going to ask my wife for I'm not going to ask my wife for a hard job wait for the professionals

to reopen you've nailed it there that's how we can twist it right any man that makes their girlfriend cut their hair during this is a fucking sexist what just because she's a woman

means she's going to be better at hairdressing than you? Disgusting. Do it yourself. Also, if you're cutting your own hair, that's fine. I'll accept that. Specifically, if you're getting, or if you're a lady and you're getting your man to cut your hair, which is psychotic. It's such a pointless

replacement. It's like, oh, I've got no hair gel left. I'm using milk. You're like, no, just don't gel it just don't do the thing that I don't know it's definitely a muggle corner because there's just no need for it in fact like it's kind of it feels like a bit of a betrayal when people are

getting haircuts you're like oh no we're meant to all not get haircuts can we just all look shite is that is that not something we can agree on? I think it's the same way. There's people who are doing quarantine, right? And I'll say it's not me. There are people who are just going, you know what? We're just going to fucking slob out.

I'll go on a walk. That'll be my exercise. But I think there's going to be... See if anyone that comes out of this fucking swole and real ripped and much better, they really utilise the time. Genuinely fair play to you. You deserve all

the fucking hate you're about to get. Awkward. I've been doing morning cardio and pull-ups and push-ups every day. And Joel wakes body coaches. But it's fucking prison workouts, isn't it? You know who's out all the time? Also,

I really enjoy this, it's something I really enjoy. Telling myself I only drink on Fridays but drinking every other day. I'll go on a day with a drink and I'll go, oh Christ, that was a fucking stretch because of a glass of wine. Oh my God. And then we get to Friday and we'll still have the

Friday feeling of, it's Friday, we can drink tonight. Well, no, I do think that is important to make the weekdays seem like the weekdays and make the weekend seem like the weekend. I can't remember if it was on this or on the live stream that I said it, but it was just going, like, even if I do nothing

from Monday to Friday, I make sure that I do less on Saturday and Sunday so like it's got a flow I think it's the Friday is the day that I plan to drink, I look forward to drinking on Friday if I drink on any of the other days

I've broke rank it's unplanned aye I was like fucking I was just macy yesterday I was spending the whole day being macy so I was like fucking

you know what this needs take the edge off alright aye so anyway Natalie's covered in bruises that's how bad the fucking blender is

it's just firing things at the top bashing her in the eye what was I being nice about yesterday I was just fucking I was just not to be fair

I was kind of groaning in my room yesterday I went for a run and I come through to make breakfast before I'd done my knitting

and I couldn't get it like Natalie was on a call but she like weirdly pointed the camera towards the door so I couldn't just sneak past so she was like

showing us away and I was just like it happened to be three times through the day where I couldn't enter the living so she was like shooing us away and I was just like it happened to be three times through the day where I couldn't enter the living room or the kitchen and I was like right we've got to

fucking sort this out like I kind of just get banished from the kitchen all the time and I just had a little huff I spent the day groaning in my room fucking soon as she finished work

I was like we're having wine otherwise I'm going to be in a huff and this quarantine has turned you into such a little fucking diva like people are going to

people are going to come out of this right at the end of this quarantine people are going to come out like ripped fatter they're going to have a new beard

they're going to get rid of their beard they've got longer hair they're suddenly bald you're going to come out a bitch just a whiny entitled bitch

I have I've become a whiny little entitled bitch and the worst thing is like I'll come through going oh my god I've just been fucking stuck in my room

all day like what knitting fucking like playing on my phone reading a comic reading a book like I'm

like she's fucking doesn't want to be at work she's having a fucking shite time I'll come through going oh god fucking sat me bed all day mint Like she's fucking Doesn't want to be at work She's having a fucking Shite time Uncle Frugal Oh god Fucking Sat me bed all day

Mint She'd fucking love to do that So what I'm saying is So that that didn't manifest Into fucking Maybe an and a half Had three bottles of wine in her It's such a good tool

Aye I mean you made me want wine though Aye I probably shouldn't It's such a good tool. Aye. I mean, you've made me want wine now. Aye. I probably shouldn't tonight because... Aye, go on then. Let's have a glass. Also, just very, very quick. I should say this off here,

but motherfucker, my internet works. I can play Call of Duty. Oh, really? I'll be on tonight. What are you doing now? Well, let me... So, I actually have a daily schedule now because last week,

I'd fucking regressed. So in January, after doing Sober January, I wanted to reintroduce... I wasn't cutting weed out forever and I wasn't cutting booze out forever. My plan to myself was I'll make weed once a week type thing.

It's a day that I look forward to. That's the day I'm getting stoned and it's a day that i look forward to that's the day i'm getting stoned and it's just better that way with booze similar to what you're doing which is i'll say it's one day but really it's three or four but i'll only get really smashed on one of the nights um and then i kept that up when i was in america managed to get even fucking in la i was like weed was i mean maybe it was twice a week then but i was still fucking good then this way quarantine kicked in

and it just I went back to full on the amount of weed I was smoking on tour just like a teenager mode I just just regressing and it's not

look I obviously fucking love weed but doing it too much is generally it's not good for the old mental health so after talking to

my therapist he was like you are aware how much you need structure in your life, you fucking idiot. Not his exact words, but very much his tone, but with his lispy Dutch accent.

And then you made a note on your clipboard, fucking call me a fucking idiot. Noted. So I've started to... He just keeps saying noted to get shrinks. I fucking remember that so what makes you say that what makes you say that

I'm sad oh I said it interesting okay how does that make you feel so I've I've started doing the my way

and it's just me I do need structure in my life even if I'm doing fucking nothing I need the nothingness to have structure so even if it's like read fucking nothing. I need the nothingness to have structure. So even if it's like, read a chapter of your book,

you've got to have that scheduled in between one and two. Yeah, pretty much, because otherwise I'll just... Play with your phone. The freedom, yeah, exactly. The freedom to do anything is bad for me. Just small, daily fucking things. So when you ask me what I'm

doing after this allow me to tell you exactly so from 1 until 4 I was playing Dungeons and Dragons and then at

4 I FaceTimed Milo and I got this podcast so after this at 6 which is soon I'm going to

I think I'm going on a walk with Cara that's how I walk and then dinner after that and then I'll be on Call of Duty after that

well that's where I've got Ozark scheduled in for then, I'll probably be on a good 11 I can do that also I do have something to plug now I mean I have been plugging my shows anyway but I think the majority of people that want to watch my shows have seen my shows so they're still available on my website

if you're late to the party but new to the table is the book i wrote about you daniel um on tour where i pretended to be a behavioral scientist i mean i was a behavioral scientist pretended to be a stand-up comedian and um it's essentially just a passive aggressive roast on you and um i don't think that passiveness needs to be in there it's an aggressive roast on you but I worded it really well I use my words and it's on Amazon, this is something that people have been

getting in touch with I haven't got a Kindle, is there any other way I can read it? Now you don't need to have a Kindle to read a book, you just need to get the Kindle app so if you've got a phone, if you've got an iPad, you can just get the Kindle app and it's free and you can just get it on there.

Like you don't need to actually like, you don't need to spend 80 pound on a bit of plastic so that you can read your book. If only you had an infinite amount of time to do an audiobook version of it. If only you found that time somewhere. I think you should do a reading of it on your you should read a chapter

pick a chapter Piggy's got the book you should read a chapter out on your day drinking with Daniel oh I mean I'll have to re-read it and then decide but maybe just roasting yourself like what a mask

you know all this fucking nasty shit I said about you will you read it out to your fans just like just like they fucking expect to see an Arab

with an AK-47 stood by you just crying and reading it into the camera stop roasting yourself stop roasting yourself stop roasting yourself

why are you roasting yourself I'm like I'm like I'm like Daniel will you will you promote that book. I'm like, Daniel, will you promote

that book where I mug you off? I'm sure in your book you were nothing but nice about me. I was. Lovely. So, who is the bug? Well, I tell you who it is. It's your dad, actually.

Ah, that is true. Your dad refuses to say Candyman three times in front of a mirror unless he's shirtless and flexing. He wants to look good for the man when he arrives. Just ready to fucking throw down. That's why he says Candyman never turns up, actually. Candyman turns a wafter shave on. How you doing? up actually your dad held a webinar on how to seal the deal with chicks due in lockdown your dad's self-doubt can be seen from space

it's his aura You might have got your dad's cock And Matthew got your dad's brain And Jack might have got your dad's hide But Josie got your dad's love for ice cream Your dad humps the dog's leg To establish domination Not dominance Domination Not dominance.

Domination. Aye. You heard me. Did I stutter? Your dad refuses to explain all the dart holes in his poster of David Attenborough. Because of COVID-19 your dad is opening the door with his arse cheeks

to help stop the spread Your dad bought a Project L wig so if anyone says something interesting or surprising you can press a button and he's puckering and his hair flies off

That's great It's so your dad Aye, very much is get him to make me one your dad's a fucking gimp mate whoa whoa

what is what is that face it's a dad joke isn't it oh my god it was the tone. Oh, it sounded so venomous. Here he comes. It's not what you said, it's the way you said it.

Fucking hell. Oh my God, my dad turned in his taxi there. Oh my, this thing's going to be underwhelming now unless I say it fucking aggressive. Go on. Yeah, man. Yeah, man, when your man's such a fancy detour in unless I say it fucking, like, aggressive. Go on. Yeah, man.

Yeah, man, when your man set your fancy to toe in your hole, your dad went to the pond with a bucket. Should you say them all aggressively? See, next week we'll do it like we really fucking mean it. I swear, go on each other while I'm saying it. Oh, all right. fucking mean it I swear go on each other the way I was saying it alright alright everyone pre-order my book and I'll see you

on day drinking after day drinking with Danny I'll be knitting with friends and Danny alright hanging up now

bye