Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 12. Death and Blozzaz

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

This podcast is mostly about death and blozzaz, after 12 hours of quarantine conversation you'd think Muggins and Cream would run out of stuff to talk about but with these two topics on the table the podcast could probably go on for another decade of lockdown. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

And we're back for like the 12th time in fucking Groundhog Day Deja Vu land. Aye, who fucking knows at this point? Muggins and cream in stagnant water. What have we got to talk about this week? You can't cry about puff pastry. Aye, I've done fuck all. I got That?

No Well I'm a bit better Than I was Definitely a bit better Than I was last week It was very funny Kat I listened to Monday's podcast

And she was just You know What she always does Is tells me all over You know Favourite bits And she was like You didn't utter

A single fucking word It was just a podcast Where Kat carried the entire thing And I was like I was high And she was like, you didn't utter a single fucking word. It was just a podcast where I carried the entire thing. And I was like, I was high. And she was like, everyone knows that. I didn't even notice that. Apparently to her and the rest of the listeners,

it was quite obvious. Just you carrying the conversation while I just go, aye. Aye, you didn't lick your lass out enough. Well, I mean, that's the update everyone's waiting for you. How many times have you eaten your wife's box this week? Well, actually, you shall not thank us for oversharing this, but the last time we had Rumpy Pumpy, I'll call it Rumpy Pumpy because then it sounds like it didn't really happen.

It sounds cartoonish. No, it sounds like it did happen, but in the 1960s. Aye, so we're cut a rug. Sounds cartoonish No it sounds like It sounds like it did happen But in the 1960s Aye So we're cut a rug Does that mean dance Or does that mean shag Cut a rug Rumpy pumpy

That's sex No rumpy pumpy sex But it's cut a rug Dance or shag Cut a rug Yeah Cut a rug sounds like A fucking euphemism

For queefing I think it's for dancing It does doesn't it Aye Because if you cut the cheese That's farting So if you cut the rug Surely that's a queefing. I think it's for dancing. It does, doesn't it? Aye, because if you cut the cheese, that's farting. So if you cut the rug, surely that's a queef.

Cut the cheese. I haven't heard cut the cheese in a fucking million years. So anyway, I started working my way down south. Walking fast. Face is passing your homebound. And she brought us back up north.

She'd finger on the chin and was like, my lips are up here. And started kissing again. Oh, maybe you're bad at it. Maybe. I thought, what, Thundertongue? Aye. Thundertongue. Do you think Thundertongue would be a compliment to someone eating

pussy? You are, by the way, the vagina's a delicate thing. There should be nothing thunderous about your approach to cunnilingus. Nothing thunderous. Thundering is what big fucking, like, you know, it's a thunderstorm or if somebody's thundering down, it's like a fucking headmistress from the 1930s

stomping down to give someone some form of retribution as punishment. You can't thunder a clit. I think you're looking at it all wrong. The thunder follows the spark. If there's a spark with you and someone else, the thunder's coming soon. Oh, so wait,

so lightning's the good bit. So it's noisy. You're noisy. And she counts elephants while she waits for it. All I'm saying is, right, would you agree that if a girl was to go down on you and she got that,

the only reason you would ever bring her back up top was if she was shy to blowjobs? Aye. Aye. It's quite offensive, but also there isn't the potential that i might nearly be able to bleed out my cock so there's always that element as well like if i thought that there was like a just a maybe that i might bleed out my willy which was given as a bluzzer

i'd probably just i actually i'd still that's still i'll find out the hard way you'd be like how is that worse than cum? What are you talking about? She surely knows me that I probably wouldn't give a fuck. I just think that's the thing that happens in relationships is that you're, or at least this is my experience, your partner has much more hang-ups about things than you do. Yeah. Just being like, we can't have sex, I haven't showered yet.

And you go, what do you think? Why do you think I have sex? For the smell. Do you reckon that's why I shag you? Because I just... If someone goes to give me a blowjob and I haven't showered,

I go, well, that saves me washing my cock. Two bits, one stone. There's two parts there. That's amazing. Where's the other one? Cat. Two birds, one stone.

There's two birds there. That's amazing. Where's the other one? Cat? So when I went to go down there, one, I was just being a fucking awesome husband, and two, I was doing a little bit of market research. It turns out they do not hold lickies in the same regard as we hold blood jobs.

And she probably won't thank me for showing the work. Do you reckon it's because it takes longer? Maybe. I don't know. Because I always feel about blowjobs at six.

If it ever lasts more than five minutes, it's because I made it last longer than that. Aye. Yeah. like if it was if it was an efficiency thing like if they you know how could we be able to just go down in your partner and you know if you could give natalie an orgasm in like 45 seconds like you would not be averse to her just being like hey i'm i'm stressed out, come over here. Takes you 45 seconds. She does a bit of a squirt.

Bish, bash, bosh. You're all done. There'd be more on claim for it. Aye, aye. Which is why we're so open, it's why we're so open

to blowjob. A blowjob can be given at just literally any point. You don't even have to take the trousers off. You just fucking whip the thing out,

you put your mouth around it, and then, aye, it can be over and under a minute if you're good at it. And if it ever lasts, and ladies, important to know, if it

ever lasts more than a minute, you're shited hit. Shall I tell you, my hangout with blowjobs, if ever there was one. Sure. What would you do if I said no? What would be the next topic? I'd probably just, I don't, that was what ready for if you said no,

that fart. I don't know if you heard that on the, yeah, nevermind. I'll just tell you anyway, which is, right. My hang up with blowjobs is they usually lead to sex. That sounds like it shouldn't be a hang up,

but here's why I like blowjobs because with sex, you're trying not to come you're trying to make it last as long as possible to be as pleasurable as possible for the other person with the blowjob you're trying to come like you like that's the goal so i think that's your goal if a blowjob leads to sex that means you've actually just accelerated how much sex you're gonna have like if you it just means you've actually just accelerated how much sex you're going to have. It just means you're going to have less sex.

I feel like the blowjob's stealing from the sex, but if you get a blowjob, that's just the blowjob. Then that's one of the best things in the world. I guess it's why it's called a sexual favour, because someone's dealing an absolute solid. No, I think if you mix it up properly, if you do the order of foreplay,

if they suck your dick fast and then you go down on them like so you I totally agree with you while they suck your dick you're like I'm about to cum then you're about to cum and you stop yourself

and then you spend you know the next fucking fortnight going down to them however long it takes and and then you bought time and then

and then you have sex and it's like you know you've built up to it I reckon I could reload pretty quick as well. So it's not like... No way. I should not be robbing myself out of sex

if I've got a blowjob all the way. It would just mean that in five, ten minutes, it's going to be way better than it would have been. Strongly. If I'm just fucking hanging on. Your fucking cooldown period is... You can go again after ten minutes. I reckon so, aye.

I reckon handled correctly. Oh, no, I couldn't be arsed. Aye, I reckon I can still reload. No, I think that was me. That was, you know, my younger days. If I've come once, I'm like, well, that's, you know, my one for the day. Aye.

For the week. No, no. Did I hear you saying that you've got no libido on one of your Insta Live things? No, no, no, no. I don't have no libido. I just have, compared to my girlfriend's, I have no libido.

Does she want it more than you? Do you sometimes say you've got a headache or you're doing your hair? Oh, 100%. Absolutely, yes, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, in every relationship, there's somebody who's got a higher sex drive than the other one and in most of the relationships i've been it's been the other way around where i've had the higher sex drive and in this one opposite can't keep up wow because i've uh i've

always had like i'm on 24 hour call like i wouldn't expect natalie to be i wouldn't expect her to want sex every time I wanted it. You're like an NHS sex worker. But I'm like, yeah. Just on call 24 hours a day. If you want sex, just take it at any point. I'm there, like, just at home. Like a real fucking Phil Neville plays anywhere on the block.

In the mix real utility player you know I know I don't it's not that I don't remember any of the but I've definitely

you know sex I just have I just know it for the fact that I remember how horny I was when

when I first started getting horny like I remember like you know when you discovered masturbation and you were just doing it as much as you could

just because it was like the greatest discovery in the world I remember at that time like you know there was points where I could have three wanks in an hour just because I was fucking 14 and hornier than I'd ever been in my entire life that spell didn't last as very long like no see that was the thing

one day with a sore foreskin before I fucking knocked that on the head like no I think I had one day one day with a sore foreskin before I fucking knocked that on the head like no I mean I fucking you know when your foreskin guy's a bit

red raw because he's been fucking bashing it too much I remember I'd been on work experience as a joiner

and I was fucking like limp and run trying to fucking collect wood and pass wood to the actual lads that were grafting and I was just

fucking there with a sore cock in me pants because I'd been pulling myself too much on my lunch break but i remember when i was able to do that and just think into myself of just like uh being like whenever i could whenever i start having sex whenever that fucking arbitrary time in the future is like i'm gonna be having sex as much as i can although the concept of not wanting sex never occurred to me as a thing. In the same way that I imagine if you grew up somewhere

and there was times when you went without food for long periods of time. You're like, man, the second I can afford food, I'm going to have food all the fuck at that level. But then you just sort of fill up on it and you go, I couldn't eat as much as I said I could that's what I'm like with sex now I look

like you think because this is the first time you've lived with a partner aye so you realise it's a marathon not a sprint

aye but you know how most people say they'd go back if they had a time machine they'd go back in time and kill Hitler right

if 13 year old me had a time machine he would come forward in time and kill Hitler right if 13 year old me had a time machine he would come forward in time and kill me for not shagging my girlfriend as much as she watched Shagged

well just fucking you live with Cullen and Grant don't you just oh yeah that's a bit like you know

I'm a tag them in as you no no no no because one of my I think one of the reasons as well is that I fucking

absolutely to me there is very little rudder in the world because I think one of the reasons as well is that I fucking absolutely, to me there is very little ruder in the world than loud sex. I think it's obnoxious. I think it's fake. I think it, don't ever make somebody listen to your fuck. Don't ever under any,

if you're in a hotel and you're shagging, you shag fucking quietly. Have some goddamn fucking respect for other people. Do not, but don't put somebody else in that awkward position of being like, oh, I'm just near two people shagging. How do I socially react to this? All that sort of shit. So I've got hangups about that.

So when people are in the house, I'm like, you've got to, it's man, I'm like fucking a game of operation. Like I'm just like, do not make any noise. Otherwise it's over. Is that a quote from the beach, the book, The Beach? There's nothing lonely in the world than the sound of two other people having sex.

I don't know, I've not read it. So you don't want to make Cullen feel lonely? No, it's not that. I just, like, don't get me wrong, sex creates noises. I'm not going to sit there and suggest that you're fucking two mimes and there's no sounds

of slapping on occasion but you know you know those cunts both men and female who make like real like oh oh no I'm like

that's not real you've learned that from porn like you're not making that noise because you want to make that noise you're making that noise

because you're trying to prove that you're enjoying it whereas I don't need proof I just assume I've had that before with Velassie way back where I felt like she was trying to prove that you're enjoying it. Whereas I don't need proof, I just assume. I've had that before with Velassie,

way back where I felt like she was fucking overdoing it. Like she'd seen porn and she was trying to imitate it the way a psychopath would pretend to cry. Just make all the right noises. Just fucking relax, man. Why are you doing this for me? It's not working for me. Here's the thing. You don't need to make me feel better about this.

I'm already having sex. Aye. Don't get me wrong. If you hated it, I'd be gutted because we wouldn't be able to have it again. I'd rather you do this than if you yawned. I'd rather a fake orgasm than an authentic yawn just get that clear I'd be like

some type of noises and moaning and like you know fucking dirty talk or whatever you do I'm fine with all that but it's when it's the porn it'd be like cooking somebody a meal and the entire time they're just rubbing their belly going mmmm

oh yummy yummy, yummy, I'm like, just fucking eat the food, and tell me afterwards that it was good. Oh, just be, just, just play it cool,

man. Alright, whatever happened to finishing the meal, licking your fingers, and saying compliments to the chef, like, you're eating a meal, and the entire time,

you're just screaming through to the chef, this is fucking amazing! Just stop ruining the restaurant for everyone else. Aye. Mm, mm, mm! Mm, mm!

Scrumdition Mondo! Aye, not in tip. Aye, erm, you know what though, weirdly, I don't mind

the sound of people in a hotel having sex, I weirdly like it. Don't get us wrong. I've never pulled myself over it. I've never gotten aroused by it. But every now and again, I've heard people shagging.

And I've thought, get in there, lass. I just think it's... Can't get yours. Do you not remember that time all those all those years ago there was the girl in Dundee that I made love to after a night

out at Fat Sam's I stopped halfway through there because she was making too much noise I'm like I'm not having sex with you

if you don't shut up I'm not doing it like we are in a travel lodge right people have you nearly woke me up in the next bed

just think it's rude well half. They nearly woke me up in the next bed. Just think it's rude. Well, you should probably make a bit less noise than hypocrite. I've started to feel like, I know we've spoken about this a little bit, but how much have you

watched? What is your relationship with TikTok? Wait, this has come up. We covered it in length one time and then you brought it up again like we hadn't mentioned it before last time. So we're potentially covering old ground. But it is lip-syncing comedy bits.

I just keep, I don't want to keep watching it. Like, Biggie keeps watching things because she's looking for more of those fucking muggly couple challenges we do because sometimes we're not muggly enough for our own corners and then but just the rest of it I know it's wrong to generalise and I really

try my hardest to not to but I hope everyone on that app fucking dies like I've not people are like it's like Vine and I go but I hope everyone on that app fucking dies. Like, I've not... People are like, it's like Vine. And I go, no, no, no, no. Vine was funny, man. Like, if you go and watch Vine compilations,

like, Paul Burnham was fucking great. There was good... We had some good Vines. We were having a good time on Vine when we were in Sydney in Australia. Well, there was something creative about it, because you had to be funny and creative in six seconds. You couldn't just steal an idea and re... I'm turning into an old man. Well, there was something creative about it because you had to be funny and creative in six seconds. You couldn't just steal an idea and re...

I'm turning into an old man. Do you think it's... I'm going to sound like a therapist here. But do you think you wouldn't have been bothered about stuff if you were getting attention through the usual channels? No. Of being on stage to a thousand people and getting a lot of attention that way. And now you're seeing all these people doing fuck all and getting attention and you're a little bit resentful going,

nah, fuck off, that's not talent. No. What I used to do. No, you could have shown me. What I did. You could have shown me TikTok when I was mid-tour and I still believe I would have hated it

with the same amount of fucking venom. Because it's not, I'm not jealous that people are getting attention because I don't know how, I don't know how much, I don't know how successful these, I don't know how, with the number that shows you

how successful a TikTok is. Like I'm just watching these things being shown, looking at some of these Twitter feed and assuming every one of those things is gone. Well, success is when Netflix's Daniel Sloss is watching your TikTok. So all of those people you hate have reached a level that they would be delighted with because you watched it.

It's just, it's not, I do, don't get me wrong, you're right in the sense that I fucking, I despise people who have no talent that become famous because I think fame is a by-product of talent and that's the only time fame should ever exist. And then reality TV shows that just let fucking

jade goodies... Don't get me wrong. I watch those garbage shows. I stopped watching Love Island just because for me it just became too scripted. It was heading towards

like the Maiden Chelsea that fucking like here's just a bunch of twats and we're going to make them say what we want to say. And it's all very fucking fake. Season one and two of Love Island were very good because it was essentially, here's a bunch of fucking scummy chavs and neds.

Let's stick them in this one place where they're going to get sunstroke and let's just fill them with booze so they treat each other like shit and we can all watch a show and go, I'm better than you in every single fucking way. I was happy to indulge in those. And then it just became influence.

I watched Big Brother season one, you know, Marjorie. Marjorie went down in the chicken. Back when it was the first ever reality TV show, right? And after season one, I was like, well, that was fun. I kind of believe that here in the Chicken, back when it was the first ever reality TV show, right? And after season one, I was like, well, that was fun. I can't believe that here in the future, 2020, some 20 years later, or whatever it's been, it might be 20 years since The Last Big Brother.

Maybe it's like 15, but in that ballpark, I can't believe they're still regurgitating versions of it. Like, fucking move on from that somehow how did we get stuck on that for 20 years fucking come on man didn't just turn the camera on fucking some absolute fucking basic bitch and then the thing they did as well as they took it away from being just basic bitch house full of muggles and took it house full of extreme eccentrics and like not even a cross section of society but like fucked up

like looking under a rock to find people I think there were the seasons of Big Brother where it was like fuck it let's put like a clip, they put in fucking Pete who had Tourette's, they put in people with like from genuinely different backgrounds and being like right let's see how you all interact

with each other. I think there was a time when it was, this is now forever, whereas reality TV now is just, we're going to get just the ones that are pretty to look at.

And that just makes it, I don't know, seem, I don't know, I, It's a soft core porn in the end. I, I'm complacent in it because like, I watch the absolute, there's just softcore porn in the end I'm complacent

in it because like I watch the absolute there's a show on now on Netflix there's two

the one was called Love is Blind and then there's another one which is too hot to handle and is Love is Blind

the Married at First kind of one is that called Married at First Love is Blind the one where they're chatting to each other

in the booth and they can't see each other and then one of them proposes. Yes, and the reason I watch that is because, as you well know, hate fucking fuels me like nothing else. Like, hate is my spinach, right? Like Popeye, just fucking, I'm like, there you go, that's, get that fucking raw emotion into me. And these shows make me fucking

despise people so I'm absolutely complicit because I do then go I can't believe you persevered with that man because I ended up there just before the lockdown started Natalie's friend cancelled her holiday early, come back early

but had to come via London and stay the night so she stayed at ours and she had heard about that show suggested it natalie and those two put it on and kind of forced me to watch i couldn't even play with my phone without them going oh look you're missing it and i'm like oh my god i'm trying to miss it i'm trying not to watch this it's fucking awful and then i watched one episode and um i did get that thing where like I was mildly invested in it because it's like eating junk food and it's a bit

Moorish, you know what I mean? But like none of it felt like it was good for us. None of it felt like I was taking anything in that I needed. It was proper junk food. Oh yeah, brain chewing. And just the fact that they watched it as a flash in the pan and it didn't have to stay on in the background.

Fuck man, I would hate it to have been committed to that, to have to watch episode two of that. No. Like, to self-inflict that upon yourself, man. No, no, for me, it's what they do is they, because I hate everyone on the show. I hate everyone. I hate everyone the second they open their mouth

and they talk. There's not a single one I fucking like. And then I watch it because I want to see those people sat. Like, that's the endorphin release for me. I'm like, you've just shown me somebody I fucking loathe. The polar opposite of me. Somebody that's dumb enough to walk into a fucking pod and just go, I've spoken to someone for two days and now I'm going to propose to them.

I categorically, from the bottom of my heart, want to see that person's relationship fail 100%. Because it deserves to fail because fuck them so that's why i'm invested like but even even you set up a character you create this person that i go i fuck it's the opposite of the hero story they go here's harry potter and you're like fuck it i like harry i want to i'm gonna read the rest of these books because i want to see harry potter be happy at the end of it. I'm the opposite. You introduce me to a person I fucking hate, I will invest my time to watch that person's life turn to shit.

Happily. Like, you introduce me to these people... But hold on, think about... Dude, think about who we're hating here, right? Like, the reason I felt icky is because they even apply to be on that show when you marry someone that you've just met on a reality TV show

for to suck the dick of fame for 15 minutes right like to be that person you've got mental health issues and we're tuning in to hate people who need help like you the fucking shouldn't be there shouldn't be exploited and fucking have that have that fucking shit dragged all across that mental health issues dragged all across this shitty tv show where we're sat at home slow wanking over how better we are than them. They should fucking, they should,

that application for a show should get given straight to a therapist and they should be fucking sent straight to them instead of putting it on our TV. It's fucked up. Oh, well, I mean, 100%. Aye, but I just, but tough shit,

like, man, look, here's the real secret, everyone in the world needs therapy. Aye. Like, everyone, look, here's the real secret. Everyone in the world needs therapy. Like, everyone, like, we've all got shit on. Like, you can't narrow it down. And these people on the show, like, it's not, I would agree with you, and this might be a shite thing to say, right?

Agree with you in the sense that if it was people who I was like, you are legitimately, like, you know when people started bullying Susan Boyle? Like, that was all shite. You go, no, no, no, no. That's somebody that has a legit mental illness. A lot of these people are just attention fucking seekers.

Like, you see them on Instagram. I double checked. If somebody, I was like, you are legitimately not there. And I feel like you're being taken advantage of. Absolutely. From the bottom of my heart, watching and investing in these people, I'm like, no. Like, you chose to do this

you went i'm attractive so i'm going to go on this fucking show and being attractive is my quality and i and by the way and i've got no personality to bring with it either it's just i've and that's what love island and all these other shows i've gotten by with this so far and and and and and they're privileged and it's it's fun to watch privileged people get their fucking comeuppance I mean

I got it like I said I did feel that fucking like that sugar rush kind of junk food quality it's not good I agree with you

it's not good but but the guilt that comes after eating a fucking greasy burger you know what I mean it's like I fucking not good. But the guilt that comes after eating a fucking greasy burger. You know what I mean? It's like, I fucking wish I hadn't had that.

Should have just had something with nourishment and vitamins. You know? But I mean, you kind of always get that. You're not always going to get fucking knowledge and enlightenment from your entertainment. I tell you what, I've been watching a lot of lately. Shit with violence in, man. Fucking, I'm on Gangs of London at the minute. I've done True Detective, done Ozark.

Fuck me. I have watched so many people die in the last few weeks. I didn't have that healthy. I mean, you could just do the same by watching the fucking news, mate. I've got a fucking bloodlust. I have a guy on Call of Duty every night and fucking

blow some heads off just to fucking getlust. I have to go out on Call of Duty every night and fucking blow some heads off just to fucking get some sleep. Just calm down with a little bit of war crimes. And then I go and check my debts on the COVID numbers.

My fucking life is just fucking surrounded by blood and guts and death. Whether that's in the real world or the fucking

computer games or Netflix. I'm just fucking surrounded by it I wonder if I can garner day without someone dying and like you know

hearing about it like you say off the news off the TV off a show that you're watching I wonder if you can garner day

without fucking death fucking just glinting his sigh in the eyes trying to blind us she might as well do the opposite I wish I could go a day without wishing

someone was dead. Like every time I hear someone's dying, I'm like, oh, hope it's someone I hate. Didn't you have a bit about like if someone dies, tell me about them, not about the killer. Decide if I like them or not. That's what they should do. The breakdown of the statistics and the

COVID. You're like, right, that's just a number, but like do I care about any of these people? Yeah, for example, how many what man? When they give you the death toll, I think they should be given the fucking ages of people, right? They should absolutely be given the fucking ages

of people. They go, 50,000 people die, and you go, okay, how many of those were over the age of 75? And they go, oh, well, 95%. You go, cool, don't care then. Legitimately don't care. Old people are meant to die. They've had their life, they're dead. It's sad if you knew them, fully fucking get it. But don't pitch it as 45,000 deaths

as if a bunch of fit, prime young people in the best years of their life were mowed down in a fucking massacre. Some old people stopped living because that's what they're put on this earth to do yeah that that was like um cullen said the stat today was that more people have died in america because of covid 19 than because of vietnam and um that that's staggering uh numbers and i'm like i but it wasn't that many 19 year olds vietnam was these people who went out there because they'd seen how

World War II veterans were treated and you know they really believed in this defending their country and that and it was you know they were sold a lie and they were you know butchered and murdered and all that's legitimately sad the survive as a Covid aren't fucking shunned by society

on the streets and then plunged into homelessness. Like, it's... It's not that you can't just put the numbers next to each other and say it's the same stat. One of the easiest math principles in the fucking world is the older someone is, the less sad it is when they die. Right?

When babies die... Babies dying is the worst thing in the world. We can all agree that a dying baby is just something that nobody should ever have to go through somebody under the age

of 10 dying fucking that's not even somebody under the age of 30 too young the rest of your life fucking idiot all this potential

under 40 go fuck young parent all that sad under 40 yeah someone's mother taking too long

you know under 50 like we live in a first world country it's 2020 you can't somebody under the age of 50 even under 60

under 60 that's no fucking age 70 well I mean what did he do for the first 50 years like was he a smoker was

how good were his 20s if his 20s were excellent and he died at 70 I'm pretty sure he's thrilled yeah and em oh what's the 20s were excellent and he died at 70 I'm pretty sure he's thrilled yeah oh what's the that's the thing that

sorry I just bookmarked this in my head from earlier so I'm just trying to catch up on it I watched Fury the other night, what a fucking film by the way, Fury with Brad Pitt John Birthnell, Sheila Birth and the guy from Ant-Man, the funny guy from Ant-Man, the Mexican. Right.

I watched that, and just what they went through in war. You know, it gives you a real insight of fucking, even when the guns aren't being fired, how fucking shitty it is. Right. And the fact that people are comparing what we're going through new to that,

it's like, no maybe that maybe that's a that i think you might have found a loophole in my older they are the sad the less sad it is that they die because i would say when war veterans die that's sad that's definitely sad because you're like fucking hell like i do get a little bit whenever a war even though they're like 100 and something fucking years old now or like 98, 99 when they die I'm like sad

I'm like because you did have your childhood robbed from you you deserve a long life because you lost a lot of it yeah yeah you need a good fucking

couple of decades of retirement just tending to your garden aye okay walking your dog in that like fucking aye aye you know that

I can't remember his name, but that old guy that just did the 100 laps around his garden for charity, raised almost a million. Tommy someone, isn't it? Aye. Like, when he dies, doesn't matter what age he is when he dies, sad. Huh? Yeah, he can have the long life.

Aye, he's allowed it, but fucking... You're very much a fan of eugenics, Daniel. You think there's a correct way of doing it, but you do subscribe to it. Do I believe that there are some people in the world who, if they were dead, the world would be

a better place? 100%. Do I believe I'm in the position to decide who those people are? No. I reckon i get it like 80 right look at which i wouldn't do i'm just saying i reckon i i would i would do way better than hitler you're the most right-wing libertarian i've ever met i think oh i think that's very like you'll be very gay rights, feminist like all kinds you'll find causes that aren't yours

and you'll be a voice for causes that aren't yours and you're very progressive in that way and then you'll just be like point at someone you don't know on the street and go but that person can die it's such a weird juxtaposition and i think it's correct i don't know if you meant that as an insult i need you to know i took that as a compliment

now i'm just trying to get to the bottom of it right you'll say you sir should be able to marry who you want it's a free world but you sir I don't know, get in the earth so the worms can eat you. Aye, aye. Because, yes, because that fucking person did something else that infringed on those two people's rights to get married. Just got old. Just done the crime of reaching 80.

I don't think old people should be killed. No, absolutely not. I agree. I'm just saying that when they die, I don't care. It's not as sad. I'm just not. It's not as sad. I'm not going to waste an emotion

on something that happens every fucking day. You know what's sad here? It's sad if someone that's 70 or 80 dies, but then their mum's at the funeral or something that's when it hits me when I'm like oh dear like it doesn't matter how old you are when you die it's fucking sad if you're still somebody's child

oh yeah okay that's another thing I do agree with you if somebody's like super elderly parents hanging on in there it outlives them but I think that we seem to have super elderly parents hanging on in there it outlives them that always but I think that

we seem to have huh oh sorry oh it's cut off it has cut off Daniel must have seen an old person no you're welcome

just listening to the sounds of my mouth to beat them to death with a hot stick so I'm going to ring him back hopefully he kept recording

and didn't pause it and I'm done it's ringing now sorry about that it's alright did you keep recording are we on the same time i did i did i kept recording good uh the point the point i was going to make there i do agree i with the concept of like no no parents should ever outlive their child like i just think that's a level of sadness that human beings just shouldn't have to go through. That being said, right, let's say you're 87 years old, right, and you get diagnosed with cancer

and you had a brilliant 20s, you had a fairly good fucking 30s. Like, the fact that you made it to 87, you're like, I've had an absolutely brilliant run. But you're, I mean, what, you're 87, so too young. Let's go 85, right? Let's say your 102 year old

mother is still alive I think it's your duty to kill her then you should just do do heroin together I just go out in one

big ball of brown how much would your mum like that imagine that going out with your mum that'd be fine they'd have they'd have

they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have

they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have

they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have

they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have

they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have

they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd have, they'd that going out with your mum? They don't want to hang on after you go at the age of 101. They've already hit the milestone of 100. If you are 85, mate, to 85 year olds listening to this podcast who have still got parents in their hundreds, get some heroin in just in case. Man, heroin.

Coke will kill them. Just get a gram. Aye. Fucking imagine your heart beating through your fucking chest at the age of 102 after a big fucking rake. a coke will kill them just get a gram aye fucking imagine your heart beating through your fucking chest at the age of 102 after a big fucking rake of Colombian speed bump

holy aye imagine how much imagine how much money the war vet would have fucking raised that time going round the garden that fast

get in aye well we've managed to create some content I think Danny fucking 12 12 episodes in

they're doing fuck all I mean I feel like we've still got a bit we've still got a bit of chat I feel like what you've done you've just

this party's as a McDonald's this one good podcast I was I was going to wrap it up I was just saying look let's put it in the can put a pin in it

that's something there we go sweet do our dad jokes sweet done have you got anything to plug have you been doing anything er

no oh yeah so I'll be doing day drinking with Dan the 12 UK time on Friday again as always and I will be moving

the American day drinking with Dan to Sunday, just because... Put a day in between. So you're not doing it hungover. Well, yeah, yeah. Because again, what I do is I get very drunk on the Friday and then on the Saturday, I'm going to spend the day just baked out of my fucking mind.

That'll be my one stoner day. And then on Sunday, I'll be able to drink for an hour with everyone and recover by Monday. Oh, great. Also, I know even though I've just put a pin in the podcast, there's another thing I wanted to bring up. Are you getting a lot of people just because there's a lot of charity

and people in need and stuff at the minute, are you getting a lot of people getting in touch with you asking to do charity stuff? I genuinely don't know because the only... Because there's no way people can get in touch with you asking to do charity stuff uh i i genuinely don't know because there's no way people can get in touch with there's no way people can get in contact with me i know it goes via marlena but she's very aware that i'm not working during this so yeah because i'm aware that there's people trying to get hold of you because someone asked me to do something for charity and then if i do something like record a video or anything like that they'll

then ask for you and i realized they're asking for me so that they can get to you and that's happened a couple of times but the the amount of people that have like asked for like oh somebody got in touch yesterday asking us to put on a comedy gig with no like after the lockdown prefix just like hey this is the cause and show us the cause gives a bit of spiel about it right like um very similar cause to what i ran the charity for in 2016 so i can see why they came to me right i got i get that bit um but then it was just like if i find the venue and i sell the tickets could you put on a comedy gig and it was as if they didn't know lockdown was on and like obviously i replied sympathetic saying like hey i don't think we can do anything. There's a lockdown on in process, right? But I kind of wanted to just go on.

Hey, you switched on the news in the last seven weeks. Like, what the fuck, dude? How am I even explaining this to you? Like, what the fuck kind of... Anyway, you kind of get mad at somebody that's doing their best to raise money. But there has been like just a random like influx, like not random influx, like an

expected influx of people coming to me and asking us to do stuff for charity but I kind of, like in a way I feel like I'm a charity Aye I don't know if you can figure it out but I'm unemployed, you're literally going up to fucking somebody that's

just lost their job and asking them to graft for you um but i i just want to get that off my chest because somebody asked us to run a comedy gig during a lockdown i know i think with the with the charity request as well like um i i've got the charities that i like and use because the man the man look the thing is there's an infinite number of fucking good causes out there and the thing is all man if i see stuff i'll normally donate to stuff uh anonymously uh but uh when it comes to actually you know helping a fucking charity i've got the charities that i like um that you know i want to you know invest and do time uh do stuff for and in the future so so no uh that's it when you when you do loads when you do load for and in the future so no

that's it, when you do loads when you do loads for charity you do feel bad turning down turning down the requests because you now find well that you do loads but it still feels bad every single charity that I've had to turn down because I'm in fucking no position

to, even like people wanting to share me social media output like I haven't got that many followers on social media in comparison to yourself and many others but people will get in touch with me saying can you share this and there's so many of them that if I was to do that that's all my pages would be would be just sharing charities and if I share one the other charities that get in touch or the other causes that get in touch would say is share that one and feel like they've been overlooked and every single one of them that i let passes by i feel bad about and like we did just starts

getting riddled with guilt i mean and and you've finally arrived at the conclusion of why i don't check my dms i yeah I can totally see it, because for me to be reaching that point, yours must be a sickening amount of appeals. I get it, it makes you feel bad, but it's a weird level of guilt, because you've not done anything wrong, but it's the lack of, you feel like you've not done anything right.

Yeah. But that's sadly not the case. But yeah, it's a sh of, you feel like you've not done anything right. Yeah. But that's sadly not the case. But yeah, it's a shame. And as well, half the time, I didn't have, like, can you share this? And half the time, I think, like, is me sharing even going to do anything? I'd have to be an activist for it.

For me to get anybody to donate that I'd just given PhD, I'd have to actually personalise us to share I'd have to actually personalise with it, I'd have to get behind it and I'd have to push it, I couldn't just share it because you've asked us to share it, that's just a click and that's just a bunch of people saying it and I'm going to scroll past it, I'd have to become an activist, you cannot become

an activist for all of the causes it's also the people that just go, because they're going I'm doing my bit i've asked you that was my charity i asked you to do the thing so what yeah the fact that you've not you've not done it but i've done my job you're you're making my job harder no no it's it's still good job to raise the money yeah um i i found that like after um after our big charity drive in 2016 for Cian,

a lot of people got in touch just basically saying, can you do the same for this charity? Can you do the same for this charity? And they were all absolutely fucking worthy causes that deserved all the help that Cian got. And I had to say to them, use our model. You're coming to me because you've seen what we did. We can't just repeat that over and over

because the land doesn't have any nutrients left in it the soil is fucking it i can't regrow crops on this farm anymore and we're literally the whole community and industry is dry so you need to take our formula and look at what we did and you do that in your industry and in your community and try and just like replicate it so if you can just learn from what we did then I'll give little bits of advice of what we did rather than taking on the campaign for myself I think that's fair

and has that cut off again? I was a bit bored I think you I think you was just bored it wasn't really about hi Kai oh here we go I'm going to wrap this call up anyway just bored it wasn't it wasn't really about hi Kai I know you're listening back to the

oh here we go see you see you wonder this could be hello I'm gonna

wrap this call up anyway alright mate um aye have you got dad jokes

aye right before we get into them people can buy my show from my website

www that's www.kaihunfries.com forward slash shop there's three shows on there you can get

them for a tenner if you use discount code COVID19 also I've released a book it's on Amazon and you can just type my name into Amazon and you can buy my book so yes that is all I've got to plug because there's no live shows coming up

apart from that charity night I'm running your dad has molars for front teeth and is a herbivore by nature but will attack if provoked and is believed to have lived during the Triassic period Is that a wiki page from a dinosaur? No, I pulled out my arm

Sounds like it though, doesn't it? Yep Your dad has a shell like a hermit crab and you often see him scurrying from A to B in it Your dad used the belt on you as a kit It seems harsh but getting you to smoke heroin proved way too difficult Your dad came back from the dentist

with half of his face numb and he was actually burning toast while he had a stroke, so he still doesn't know that he's had it. Your dad doesn't use a bookmark. He just flicks through it until he finds a damp page and that lets him know where he finished crying or came. Still licks his finger to turn the page regardless. He still licks his finger to turn the page regardless.

Right, there's a party in your dad's mouth and everybody's invited, but he hasn't had a single RSVP. Your dad cleans his eyeballs with his tongue. When your mom was in labour, the doctor shouted push and your dad thought they were talking to him so he pushed your mum off the bed. What a thick cunt. Your dad got a cease and desist letter from the Oreo company because he kept emailing, tweeting, texting

and shouting outside their offices. More like, I want more EOs on core EO Your dad got thrown out of KFC for licking everyone's fingers and has now opened a lawsuit to them for entrapment And that's all I have to say about your dad on that matter I think that's

all I have to say about your dad on that matter I think that's fair and reasonable actually right well we've reached 45

so that's good sweet mate if we just wait 10 more seconds we can finish it literally bang on 45 and now we've got

to put the intro on so it'll start oh well fuck then why am I still on the phone? Well, I'll see you at day drinking. I'll see you at day drinking. Bye. Bye.