Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 13. How Was Your Sleep?

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

Taking the podcast unannounced down to once per week Muggins and Cream will be landing an episode on your lap on Thursdays only now, replacing the Monday pod with a USA version of Day Drinking with Danny instagram stream on Sunday night 8pm UK, work out your time zone from there. In this ep Cream is half way through Kai's book and raises some points about his findings.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? And we are recorded. And we wasted all the gold before we pressed record, didn't we? We did. We had a little bit of banter. But please, that's it. That's it. That's all we need to say about the pre-banter.

We can move on now. We don't need to relive it. We don't need you to do a play-by-play. We don't need the minutes read from the back. It can just be a bit of banter that you and me had between ourselves. Nobody else needs to experience it. Nobody else needs to watch the shitty, shitty

camcorder in the back of a cinema version of our banter that we just had. Wow. Basically, so what just happened there for me was I had a really nice bit of candid banter when we made not for the cameras

just a bit of banter and as soon as the fucking audio was recorded you just turned into a snake no because I knew what you were about to do we could have just

started on a nice note being like hey how are you got in there I wasn't about to do shit you know no you weren't you went

we just had a bit off air and I knew you were about to just re-bring up the bit that we just fucking did. I was not. We've put fresh life into a well-dead body for the sake of no one.

I mean, yeah, you are pattern forming and that is the kind of thing I would do, but I wasn't going to do that. I was just going to banter on the fact that we're just having a swell old time. We're having a swell old time. Well, it does require an explanation because we didn't do the Sunday podcast. Well, sorry, the Monday podcast.

Yes, because we'll record the Monday one on a Sunday, and you had a Day Drinking with Dan American version, which was recorded Sunday night, which meant you would have had to do two hours work instead of one, and that is a double shift. Double shift. Isn't it?

Double shift. Well, to be fair, I was about to be like, no, no, it's not that. It is a bit of that. It is. I've now become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and it involves fuck all.

And also, sorry, not sorry, because people are getting the same amount of content. You're doing an extra hour of Insta Live instead of the hour of the podcast. It's a,

if anything, I'm the one that's being lazy because I'm getting the free hour. Well, no, I mean, because I could have, in theory, I could have done the podcast and the day drinking

of just deciding to limit it to one. But it's not because of the amount of time it's taken up. It is genuinely for the fucking fact that I'm not doing much, you're not doing much, and we're not one of those podcasts that has regular fucking features. Like Muggle Corner we occasionally do.

Occasionally if we're feeling a bit lethargic, we'll bring in the hypotheticals and whatnot. But normally, it's just based on our battery. But, like, when we're on tour, it's fine to do two a week because one day we're in Belgium and the next day we're in Switzerland and the next day we're off to Japan. Different things happen.

I want to know what happened in Moscow. Yeah, like, fucking... Little update, little update. At the start of this, it was fine because it was all new it was like oh this is the new normal but it still feels so weird what can we talk about

what do it's now it's just normality it's it's actually worse than doing the like we would stop

doing the podcast when we were no longer on tour because that was the whole point it's lost on the road but because we were like fuck it nobody's got anything was the whole point of Slots and Up on the Road. But because we were like, fuck it,

nobody's got anything to talk about, let's try and entertain the fans, we decided to go back to two a week while not on tour. And I'll be honest with you... Our work there is done, I believe. Aye. We went in, we propped people up with mild entertainment for six weeks.

Aye, and they're just going to have to. We're still going to do one a week, but they can find the rest of the entertainment because I've just got so little to say. Just checking in on you. Yeah. It's nice to keep one a week because I get to keep up with you, mate. Get to have another. I would have rang you once a week

anyway, even if we didn't have a podcast. To be honest I did not before the podcast I might not have picked up you know I was saying on the when I was knitting on Instagram

the other day someone mentioned about it I was like that was what was good about the podcast we had scheduled times when we talked the first two tours I lost touch with you over the course of three months while being constantly in your company. I've been re-reading

your book because obviously I read it when it came out but I decided to in the Sunday. I finished the book I was reading 10,000 Doors of January which I highly recommend to anyone. It's just a very good novel. So I've got yours on the Kindle so i thought i'd give it a wee uh go through and it's obviously very funny but i'm just reading how and it's

the very bad part i don't i don't speak in the mornings i don't speak in the mornings and it's something that you've always brought up with me and it's something that cara's always brought up with me and i was always not necessarily self-conscious about it but you know when you've got a behavioral pattern or a certain thing that you thought was normal about yourself and then you find out it's not you go oh okay and it wasn't until you started mentioning the fact that whenever you talk to natalie during the day that she gives you the same level of enthusiasm i do for talking and i realized the problem it's not a problem with you and cara but there are some people like you and cara who can be unconscious for eight hours and nothing

and still have something to say in the morning whereas I I go horizontal and then nothing happens for eight hours and I wake up and people are like what have you been up to and I'm like not nothing I have nothing to say there's's nothing to say. What are you doing? My day hasn't started yet. Would you think I'd just wake up with opinions? Talk forward. No, man, I can't. Talk forward.

You don't have to be fucking reminiscent all the time. But it's just nothing. It's like... You're just there, guy, and I'm not going to tell you what we dream. Nothing's that bad that I'm going to think my dream's dream. Well, I mean, man... Nothing's that bad that I'm going to think my dream's interesting. Well, she does.

Cara tells me about her dreams and I'll laugh about them because they're, you know, they're silly. Like, they're the days you had a dream where John Cena instigated a foursome

with me, Cara, John Cena and Julia Roberts and Cara was annoyed that I got a blowjob from Julia Roberts and I'm like, I'm annoyed I got a blowjob

from Julia Roberts. John Cena's the more attractive person in that situation like I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say this right

it might not be true but I'm pretty confident in saying I don't think anyone in the history of the world has ever had a wank to Julia Roberts

ah that might be that I not even an ex nobody has ever put Julia Roberts on their list of celebrities, I'd fuck. Not even an ex who's actually slept with her has the vivid memory in their head. No, it's just...

It's straight out of the fucking back. Yeah, she is seen as attractive. She is. I'm not denying that she's attractive. I just... But, yeah, it's like... She's platonically attractive. You know... But, yeah, it's like, she's platonically attractive. Right, like, you know, in the same way that, like,

Fanta's a drink, but nobody on a desert island goes, oh, I'd love a Fanta. Like... Aye, like, I've... I've friend-zoned Julia Roberts in my spank bank. I think about... And another one for the t-shirts the Muggins and Cream

t-shirt chain has got another entry but no Jed the thing about the morning is there's no right or wrong way to be but there are people

who wake up and just their brains are on and that's you and that's Cara and I love those people because you know it's a different type's cara and i love those people because you know it's a it's a different type of person and and they do they engage me and they they

basically make my brain warm up faster but i swear to fucking god you know people that work in retail right and they're you know they the store opens at 8 a.m right and they're just they have to engage what they have to engage with people from the break of dawn the fucking shelves right they're just and they have to engage what? they have to engage with people from the break of dawn they're stacking the fucking shelves they're stacking the fucking shelves

and somebody's outside waiting for the 9am opening of the doors and they're just looking at that person going just fucking come

when it's open just come at 9.30 don't be there like a cat being waiting to let in or a dog being waiting

that's when I worked in leisure they used to come for the early bird swim and they they already mowed the lawn and washed the car

and walked the dog like the fucking psychopaths man aye but that's conversationally that's you to me aye like you get down

to breakfast hey man how you doing shut up I'm not on like I'm one person is running the whole shit right now. Also, Muggle Corner is asking someone how they slept as well.

Like, showing them resting in someone else's sleep is creepy. Aye. Are you including that to partners? Because in that case, I'm in the corner every day oh well you're sharing a bed isn't it so like it's kind of just like a shared interest with partners but i think i think it'll be weird if i come to it and eat breakfast and that's how you slept i don't want i don't want to start there i don't want to i don't want to start the

day with that conversation i just get, it's just information that, and I know you're not always meant to do stuff with information. The point of conversation isn't necessarily always to impart knowledge. You know, it's to conversate. We're human beings, we're fucking social creatures. But that's one thing I just couldn't give a shit about. I asked Cara how she slept because I i'm a i'm apparently a cover stealer like that's right so i'm just like what did my me asking how she slept is actually my

way of asking what did i do during the night did i yell out did i punch in the fucking face or did i do something did you spend the night in a headlock? Every time you woke up, I choked you back out again. My question isn't how did you sleep? It's like, what do I have to apologise for this morning? Yeah. I think, like I said, if you talk about, like, you may present someone with that information. You might, like, go,

oh, I had a fucking shitty sleep last night, man. I just fucking couldn't turn over. Like, this was on my mind. Like, it's something to present but like I'm not going to put myself through that conversation at will I'm not going to ask someone like someone can tell us how to sleep

I didn't find that to be muggly that is just them letting you know I might be in a shitty mood today I might not be firing off all the cylinders you can present someone with that but anyway I'm fishing for boring conversation it's hairdresser chat that's not taking place in a hairdresser's it's like how dare you let this type of conversation exist in a real friendship maybe that's the problem

you're bringing a child or strangers into a chat between friends and it's slightly insulting it'd be like if i just one day was like hey guy, where you going on holiday? Oh god with you, what is this conversation? Fucking it's like the holiday conversation and conversation about the

weather outside has got to be covered already and expired and then there's got to be an awkward silence hanging in the air before I go, how did you sleep last night i'm absolutely fine with i mean as you well know i'm absolutely fine with silence like and i just i think some people aren't you're like uh in the morning you're like a old computer that hasn't been turned on in a while this is every morning and you turn it on and it's just a spinning disc on your screen for about three hours

and then eventually it can open a file and the more things you try to get it to do within those first three hours, the slower it'll run for the rest of the day, like you're clogging up the printer queue, just let it do its first fucking thing, I know

it's slow, it's just not fucking on yet you're a nightmare before your coffee that's another Muggle thing has that been Muggle Corner yet? oh I'm a nightmare before me coffee you don't want to talk to me before me coffee I don't think it has been Muggle Corner

but I think it's one of those I think it's one of those ones where when we've just said it now like listeners will go well yeah obviously we assumed that that was one that listeners could have called easily themselves yeah oh yeah man this is another funny thing with you as well um when i reread every book i was like because you never you never have breakfast right but just to couple it with what we've just been talking about you wake up in the morning slash afternoon right and go oh i'm exhausted i don't want to talk to anybody and the last thing i want is fuel i just want to stay on an empty gas tank for as long as humanly possible

right if there's a car with a full tank of gas in there, people are going to be like, let's go for a fucking drive. I'm empty. I'm going to make myself a chore so I'm unused. I've got no... Oh, aye. The other one, the gripe that I've got... No, you go and then I'll bring up my other gripes. I was going to say, Natalie springs out of bed

when I was saying about the look that she gives me is the look I give you, not for talking to her in the morning. Talking to her when she's busy at work, she's at her laptop and she'll be, like, fucking trying to crush numbers on an Excel spreadsheet or something like that, and I'll just fucking say something dumb, and she'll just look at us

with, like, this better be fucking important if you're going to take me train a fort here, and it's taking a look that you give me all the time onto her. Every time I move to here, like, this better be the time on tour. Every time I moved here, like, this better be fucking good, mate. Why are you interrupting the movie that I was playing in my head? I'm sorry you're not comfortable

in your own silence, but I was having a fucking brilliant time over here before I was told something. It's always good. Everything I've got to sit is interesting. I mean, that's... Speaking of which,

I woke up the other day, all right, you know, and you're just opening your eyes and you look up. I just laid down. Natalie, Natalie

was stood hugging her wedding dress. Hugging it? You know, I told her mannequin in the corner of the room. Why? She was just stood in front of me giving me a cuddle

Having her first dance again, but from my point of view What was her justification for this? She just walked past it and felt like it She just, she just she just she hugged the future ghost of herself like that's the dress that she'll haunt us in

should she die before her time she just hugged just smelled her I mean I just I just the beheaded mannequin

of of a four muscle smelled the pits to find out just to reminisce about how hard she danced Just remembering how thin she was Just saying if you just

What it used to be like To be able to get your hands around Awful A horrible horrible voice It's funny because she's still thin Right awful horrible horrible boys my other girl my other girl

fucking book right now that I'm reminiscing my first bad review

who'd have thought it would be from you the there was well I mean I'll say it

on the podcast because it's the podcast and this story is exactly the reason why I'll never promote this podcast on anything else. The thing that you've clarified, the very stone statement, I cannot read my own handwriting while looking at your phone.

We've clarified multiple times. That was you. We've spoken about it on the podcast. I'm fine with that. That's just a funny twisting of history. I'm not going to be bitter about it. Yeah, because I had to commit to that because I was in the middle of the lie at the time

and I couldn't put out that publication while throwing you under the bus. It was part and parcel timestamped of me throwing you under the bus. I've got zero, zero fucking problem with it. My actual fucking problem with it, right? You bring up the argument, which is absolutely true about me,

which is I will 100 times out of 100 take sleep over sex. Yes. No matter what. Like, it's basically, back when, especially the early tours when it was me being fucking single,

living my life, women had until two o'clock in the morning to confirm whether they were going to have sex with me or not. And after that, it was never going to happen. I need my fucking sleep. Like, I just... Sex is... I mean, I'm not going to say it's never been better than sleeping,

but when it's with randoms, very rarely is it better than fucking sleeping. You want to do both. You don't want to substitute it. No. You want to substitute sex for sleep. You want to have sex and then go to sleep yes exactly like i don't see why it has to be like this yeah this thing that always people go let's stay out late let's stay drinking i'm like no no look we know now whether we're gonna fuck or not so let's do if not now fine let's not do it i'm fine with not being shagged right

but let me if you're gonna make us choose to sleep if you're the one giving me the ultimatum between sex and sleep i'm not being bullied i don't think you know how much i love sleep i'm better at i can almost guarantee i'm better at sleeping than you are at sucking my dick right and i'm better at sucking my dick than you are at sleeping just because i make so much noise while I suck my own dick. One girl thought I was snoring. Do you get sleep in your eyes? I've got something in my eyes.

So, particularly on the fucking Prague day, you mentioned, and I don't remember the girls that were flirting with me or the, you know, the narrative there, but I do remember. The fact that you're like, girls were flirting with you and you chose going home with me, smoking,

so we didn't go to bed over girls. I'm like, I believe that 100% because that's also what I would do now. I mean, now for more pure reasons. So I think, what's your complaint? At the minute it sounds like I documented the truth and you're just complaining that it happened. Well, no, no, right.

The next day... The next day was the... Fucking, it was the Lithuanian one, right? And I was just... I told Peggy this story afterwards. I'm like, he's fucking mugged me off, right? As if I didn't get laid on that tour at all, right? It's not that I couldn't get laid.

It's that I didn't, you know, I didn't want, it was a choice. It was a personal fucking thing. And I said that this is how comfortable in my relationship I am and how absolutely stupid I am at some points to my girlfriend. And both of them were like, he failed to even mention that the next day I got a handjob off of a woman who had my name written on her fingernails. Oh, well, this is true. But at the time when I was putting the blog out, job off of a woman who had my name written on her fingernails Oh well this is true but

at the time when I was putting the blog out you told me to respect the privacy of you and the girls involved so I didn't document the times you did Paul but I 100% documented the times you didn't I'm not an idiot

So mainly So I think what my problem is at the times you didn't. Oh, that's fair. I'm not an idiot. So mainly... So I think what my problem is, is much like you were complaining about in the book that you can't live vicariously through me, I can no longer live vicariously through me. Because it wasn't... Because I would have documented their moments,

like the girl with the fingernails, had you not vetoed it it was the one bit of censorship you put on and I think it was probably because there was potential girls that you were like dating that were reading the blog no I don't

I think mine's just more I'm glad I made that decision just because I'm comfortable with telling stories doesn't mean the other person is okay with telling stories. It's the standard rule I've always had for my fucking routines. If I'm willing to tell a story, except for one very obvious exception, everyone else involved in the story

has to be okay with me telling it, even if we're not mates anymore. What I do with natalie is i'll tell the story first on stage and then if it's funny i'll i'll break it do i and ask then ask her if i could do it because it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is for permission well no i think it's easier to ask if i could do it if i now people are gonna laugh like i i do the pilot and then ask for a commission. I think that's a fair way of doing it.

I've done a couple like that where, like, as soon as it worked, I'm just left with another problem. I'm like, oh, no, I've got to now go and clear this. What was one? One of them

was actually mentioned in the book, you know, the bit about the girl that offered to sleep with us, but I turned it down and I was like, that's a hollow victory. You can't go home and brag about that. I've not gone to that, but yeah. But I do remember the incident, yeah. So I did it about getting off at a blowjob and then saying, like, why have a burger when there's steak at home?

Comforting myself with that, why have a burger with a steak at home? And then going a burger when there's steak at home comforting myself with that why have a burger with a steak at home and then going because there's steaks at home and I'm hungry now and I'm not going to get home after three months or two

and going oh I had a blowjob when I was out how'd it go again oh fuck I can't even remember how my old joke went that's how long it's been

since I've done stand up Because I actually had this as a stand up routine Oh it's like don't compare it to food Can you remember how my joke went? No that would require watching your set more than once Fuck So it was Oh my eyes are bigger than me willy

Like acting as if I've got a suppressible appetite Oh I can't get a blowjob off here When I get home. I had one when I was out. You've got to have to give it to the dog. That's how I did it. As if I'd come home and I was full of blowjobs and she had a blowjob ready for us

and I had to turn it down. That's how the joke went. Just to correct your phrasing, if you came home full of blowjobs, that's a very different thing. That is a very different thing. That is a very different turn. And Natalie is upset in a different

way, but for much more. Sorry, you can't suck me off. I'm already filled with so much gum. I just can't promise that the load you swallow will be mine. I wonder how upset she would be if she found that out.

She'd just be confused. If she found out that I'd just been sucking loads of dick on the road. I think it's still absolutely. It's called doing a Schofield. From prison break. I was going to get my own sentence. from prison break get further statements well I think if you she would definitely be allowed to be if you came home and you're like hey I cheated on you

but it was with a guy I think she would be more upset because even though you're like oh but you know I'm heterosexual it's more of a betrayal because that's also something you didn't tell me on top if you get what I mean

see I think it would be different for in our specific situation it would be different for each of us if it was the other way around if she come back and went can I cheat on you but it was with a girl there would be part of me where my brain moves to, all right,

can we just invite them into the marriage? But there would be no way Natalie's brain would go on. Oh, sweet. I make a double teamed here. Aye. She wouldn't be looking for the silver lining like you were. I'd be like, so are you just going to keep both of them on the go and then occasionally just let it cross over

I'm going to be like a Venn diagram I'm not dealt with here on this thing unless you want me here's the difference did you put a word in for it if you came home after sucking off a guy there's no way

Natalie would just kiss you on the mouth for two minutes to get the taste of it aye but she came home and she was like I licked a girl out

last night you were like don't brush your teeth I'd pin her mouth open like an autopsy and get her rummaging around using your clean toothbrush

just so you could get it for later. Put one of them dentist shields in. Oh, man. I'm sorry, I farted. I farted very stupidly just because obviously, I don't know how you use phones, but my mouth said the mouthpiece

and my asshole is where it always is. So I farted as if it was far enough away uh from the speaker bit for you not to hear forgetting that i'm not i'm not recording on this my phone's over there and now i've definitely just farted my podcast yep yep yep um i had the best intrusive thought the other day i was walking past them there was a woman waiting for a kid and the kid was like right further back and I had a fart brewing and everything in me being was denying the intrusive thought

making us fart in the kid's face perfect like perfect head hide for a fart right and the woman's like hurry up come on

Sam what have I called right and all I wanted to do I could tell it was going to be a proper guff and rasp in one as well it's just like slightly bend over

and just push it out right out the kid's face. And the intrusive thought was dominant. And then it was like I made myself laugh afterwards because I wanted to just shout afterwards, that's not social distancing, is it? And I just couldn't stop laughing. I was laughing like that laughing and Natalie's like what are you laughing at

and I'm like I'm just in a war in my head alright I don't want you to know what I've won I the worst side one

honestly I should I should let the intrusive thought win on that one because intrusive thoughts right like like yeah

sometimes you'll just be chatting to someone and they'll go why don't you just punch them in the face and like you're like well go why don't you just punch them in the face you're like well I'm not going to punch them in the face am I and you just end up having that you miss what they've said because you're trying to

target them and you're punching them you're never going to answer that intrusive thought because it's ridiculous this was one of the first times where I nearly went alright I'm listening I get that I get that with I would have done it if I'd known

if the parent doesn't see me do it I think that's fine nah you would have thought of the kid's face if you could have got away with it only if the kid had been like the more I think about this I think this might be like a Joe Brand routine where she

I've got it in my head of I think it is a Joe Brand joke where she bent over and farted in the kid's face but just that I get those interesting thoughts

all the time of if there's a kid running if there's a particularly shitty fucking kid where the parents are doing nothing right and I go

you obviously don't care about the consequences of your children's actions so I'm also not going to like I'll I'll make your job

fucking harder since you've made my day shitter like so if a kid's been particularly shit like I remember this when Matthew and Jack

were younger and we used to have to go to like the you know the indoor play centres and stuff the big soft plays those things yeah yeah yeah

jungle gym for the Americans sorry what's it called? Is that the jungle gym? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're, man, me being 10 years older than Matthew and 12 years older than Jack, when I wasn't beating the living shit

out of them, I mean, in a age, some of the best memories we have is, like, going to those things, me being like the older brother, taking my brothers around these fucking things. Just, you know, good fun. And obviously there are fucking shitty kids everywhere. And man, I was judged red in those fucking jungle gyms. Like, because I'm very good at pretending to be nice. You know me.

I can put up that, you know, that front affable. If one kid was being particularly shitty, I've got, I had no problem pushing children fully down slides, knowing full well that being a responsible teenager I would get away with it and there's no proof

that I did anything like a particularly shaky kid I've got no problem tripping them up grazing their fucking knee and then just and then lying to the parents

being like oh well it was an accident or I'm sorry or your kid's a fucking liar you fell I fell like not my fucking problem that's it

that's just right when I was a kid right so I used to knock around the street On my bikes We used to cause a bit of trouble And all that But usually just having a bit of fun

Playing football Playing Kirby Kirbzy We call it You've made us start calling it Kirby I think we did Oh no We definitely called it Kirby

It was Kirby in Scotland So Just kicking around the street And this woman She would have probably been In her late teens, maybe her early 20s, but, you know, as, like, a seven-year-old. Because I remember who it was as well.

Fuck, never forget. And she lived with her parents. She wasn't, like, a moved-out grown-up, but to a seven-year-old, she was a grown-up, you know? I mean, she was one of the big ones. I just remember her coming up, and was just leaning at me face and going, I fucking hate you.

Just as a kid just like normally just everyone's just nice to you and sweet to you and all that because you're just a kid

just the first time I've had that what whoa I won't be you sorry what I must have been

about seven or eight I'm going to say like 19 20 you know what you might have been about 7 or 8. I'm going to say like 19, 20. You know what? She might have been 16, fucking ass, but in my head she was a fucking bigot. She was an adult, you know what I mean? Just like a fucking police officer randomly pulling you over to call you a cunt.

I fucking hate you. You're not in trouble. You've not done anything wrong. I don't have a particular example to tell you why this next sentence is leaving my mouth, but here it is. I fucking hate you.

You know what it is, though? She'll fucking cut us to the core. And when I look back, you'd thought it was me, right? Fucking ginger, big glasses and all that, right? Frickles out of my face, right? Fucking most mutant-looking kid, right? I still haven't quite owned it yet.

But she might have been a bit fucking, like, depressed and all that, right? And just looking at me going, how is he happy? Might as well be fucking humiliating. And she just went, how the fuck's that going to happen? I'm going to fucking tell them

I fucking hate you you cunt why are you smiling look at the lot you've got how can you be happy with that when I've got all of this and I've had no man I've just got

your fucking jealous cow but I think that sparked off a bit of a war between my mum and her mum because they used to always be arguing

out the foot grass just yelling just on their own real bloods yelling at each other but I used to I think I ran in and tell Donna

and I think my mum stormed out to the fucking lassie's mother who's what's house. What's a grown-up daughter doing? And the mum was like, who does this?

Oh, she got me messaging, I sent her. I sent her to tell her. Sorry, sorry, that was actually, your kid was meant to pass that on to you. I was using our children's car in the pigeons at this point. To be honest with you, I expected you to say something to your mutant son, that on to you I was using our children's car at this point I can't

to be honest with you I expected you to say something to your mutant son him to pass it on to my adult daughter then her to tell me but I'm glad

we've cut out the fucking middle man here can't tell that kid that I hate his mother to just fucking Chinese whispers it straight

I don't think I've ever, I remember walking home from school, so from high school, I'd walk up to the fucking bus stop at like 7 in the morning to get the 7.30 bus it took an hour to get to fucking school, already as I tell you this story

I can already feel myself in 50 years time telling this to my grandchildren, oh I used to have to get on a bus for an hour to get to school and sometimes I can already feel that

in my fucking blood so I wouldn't get home until about after school until about 5 when my bus got into East Wames I remember walking home

and then you walk home from the bus walk home from bus right but man it's a happier walk from the bus than it is to the bus.

Yes. Because you have a nightmare before your coffee. It's a walk to the bus. It's a run from it. Just a grumpy little 10-year-old looking like a divorced dad, his shirt tail hanging out. No, no, sorry, sorry.

This is high school at this point. Just like a deadbeat cop. I've just seen too much so young a couple of days away from retirement I walk at home I think I must be 14 or 15

and there is this kid who must be about I'm 15 then there must be this fucking 9 year old kid over Matthew over 5 year old Matthew

so I'm just walking from school, Matthew's school finished like fucking an hour and a half ago he's clearly just playing out in the streets like he always does, and there's this kid that's got Matthew up against the wall, sort of pushing him smashing him to the wall, and as much as there was times when I was a kid that I hated my brother, he's still my fucking brother, right?

It's my job to kick the living shit out of him. That's no one else's right. And I think I've had, like, a particularly fucking bad day at school. I was also a small kid, so I've been picked on. So it's just, like, all the starts coming back to me.

And I see the fact that I'm 15 years old and this kid is nine, and I'm like, if there's anyone in the world I can take it's this fucking 9 year old. Is this a story that ends up with you in hospital? No, Josie

had to come to my defence. Just run a rover like off Call of Duty, fucking team wife. So I go I grab this kid by his fucking school bag and I fucking yank him back. Boy or girl? Him.

Him, him, him. Hey, how dare you try and change this heroic story into one of minor abuse. So I fucking grab his butt and I fucking wrench him halfway across the road, right? And I stand over it and I give it,

I can't remember what I said, but I give him the full fucking spiel. You touch a fucking single hair on his head again, I'll fuck. I'm giving it. I'm above his kid.

I'm going, right? I'm like, fuck you. I know he's fucking annoying. I know he's a piece of shit. I know he's this, right? But that's not, you're right. It's my job to kick the shit out of him, okay? Not fucking you.

If you touch him fucking again, I'll fucking kill you. It's my job to beat him up, right? I turn around. What, Matthew? Wasn't Matthew. It's my job to beat him up. The poor kids can't.

Oh, fuck, I didn't think this could get any worse. This random teenage boy, while he was getting the shit kicked out of him, has just come over and claimed him. Just, no, no. It's mine and mine alone to do it. And then you start beating him up and then this fucking 25-year-old bloke comes and pulls you off

and goes, no, No, he's mine. And then John Cena comes along. John Cena with Julia Roberts. And I'm like, Julia, you can sue me after John Cena sucks me off. Well, that come full circle, didn't it? It did. I mean, I've been balls deep in Star Wars. Oh, aye.

I have started watching the Clone Wars cartoons. Well, animations. I've heard they're decent. They're really decent. They're like short, fast fucking mini stories within the world. So all the same characters, but on the same timeline as well. So like the... You go, sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted.

So the one thing I've... The way I've been watching it, is that you know how there's a massive gulf in technology between the 1977 and New Hope, and now, the latest ones, right? None of it matters to us, it doesn't matter whether it's animation

it doesn't matter whether it's a fucking puppet that barely moves apart from it's mouth that isn't even lip synced correctly, none of it matters you're getting you pretend the world's real and you're just getting depictions of it it doesn't matter how the story's getting told to you, whether it's a cartoon, an animation

a puppet or whatever. You're just being filled in on what happened. Yeah, it's the world that you want to fucking be a part of. Yeah, and I'm just fucking really into the world now. Have you watched Mandalorian yet? Nah, because I'm building up to it. I've just watched... So this is the order I've done it, right?

And this come under some criticism. Grassy rang us up after watching the Insta knitting stream to complain about the order I've done it right this come under some criticism Grassy rang us up after watching the Insta knitting stream to complain about the order I watched them in I watched them in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3 oh that's fair because that's the order they were made

and he was going watch it chronologically now that they're out watch it through and everything builds up and builds up and builds up. But I'm like, no, I really like that you watch Darth Vader as an enigmatic figure and he's just Darth Vader. It doesn't matter how he got there, right?

And then at the end when he comes good and rescues Luke, right? And you see that glimmer of light in him. It's then good to go back and watch him become Darth Vader and see where that light came from also i think also if you start if you start off with the fat menace you'll never watch anything star wars again man that's it i i quite like it and i feel like it's controversial to say it really is just because jar jar binks is absolutely categorically like and i feel really bad for saying this, right?

Because there was a viral video that went out. The guy that played Jar Jar Binks had depression for fucking years because he got the most amount of death threats in the world because, you know, humans are horrible creatures. Anakin Skywalker kid too. He's the Anakin Skywalker kid. Jailbird now. He's just fucking fell off because he got bullied for his role.

Aye, like the Star Wars now. And he, I thought he was class. I thought he was a child actor. Did he just? And I think it's a shame, it's a shame he didn't get the support.

Aye, well, but I mean, I've not watched it. I mean, I will go back to it. My only problem is, not with the,

I'm obviously invested in marvel and harry potter this and here's my controversial star wars day i do not think there is a single star wars man i've seen most of them there is not a single star wars movie that rates above seven out of ten uh you haven't seen rogue one yet then have have you? I have. Have you? Because Rogue One is just a fucking exceptional movie, even if that was just its own movie and there wasn't a Star Wars world. They just fucking nail the tone and everything, and the acting's good, the graphics are great, the characters are belted.

Like, Rogue One for me is the best. I haven't seen Nine yet because I'm building up to watch the final one. I missed it at the cinema when we were on tour. And then I'm going to to watch the final one. I missed it at the cinema when we were on tour. And then I'm going to watch Mandalorian. But now Rogue One because I get what you're saying. There's plot holes to fuck for days in it.

Some of the acting is a little bit fucking meh. For me it's just the fact that it was one of the reasons when I never hugely got into Star Wars originally I know Star Wars absolutely that set off the fucking genre of

that type of movie right you can't you can't deny what it did for cinema what it did for fantasy what it did science science fiction yeah but I just think it's a brilliant world what a creation I do but I just the whole universe I just I just this it's a brilliant world. What a creation. I do, but I just, the whole universe is, I just,

I just, this idea, this idea that it lives up to everything else. I just don't buy into it. Like I just go, look, it is amazing. I'm glad it exists because we wouldn't have all this stuff. Right.

But, but to say it's, to say it's as good as, as the, as the Marvel universe is to say that a Nokia 3310 is as good as an iPhone. And I'm just, I don't believe you. Yeah, and it's like, aye, the Marvel world

is better. Infinitely. Shoulders are giant, you know. Of course. It might not be where it was if it wasn't for Star Wars. Yeah, yeah. Just while it's in my fucking it might not be where it was if it wasn't for Star Wars yeah yeah just while

just while it's in my fucking head you're not going to believe it Marlena you know our agent Marlena yeah had a good suggestion the other day what comedic? no no of course not

don't be silly oh no no no no no the surprise in my voice what but erm she and this is genuinely

just a suggestion for you and Natalie to do because me Cara Annette Grant and Cullen

are doing it tomorrow and I'm encouraging other people to do it so for the listeners as well I'll find the I'll find the link so I can tell you what it is properly. But basically, some fucking theatre company,

big theatre company, they used to, before all this happened, they would live stream a theatre production into cinemas around the UK, kind of in a similar way that X was, but except this was live. So they'd be performing in London, but you could go to the

inverness view cinema at a specific time and watch the live performance of it didn't everyone's talking about jamie did that huh yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah so because of all this there is um the one of the companies which i'll find out one of the theater things uh they're putting their back catalog on on, one a week. So this week, online, is a two-hour fucking production of Frankenstein with Benedict Cumberbatch

and Johnny Lee Miller. And it's absolutely free to what it's on YouTube. So what we're doing tomorrow, and this might just be an idea for people who are losing their minds during lockdown, is we're having tomorrow, and this might just be an idea for people who are losing their minds during lockdown, is we're having a theatre night tomorrow. So we're going to have like a drink in a lobby somewhere, which is just going to be us drinking something stupid.

We're going to have some fucking nibbles and then we're going to sit down and genuinely watch the theatre. At the same time as everybody else is watching the theatre. Oh, no, no, no. So fortunately, this is one where it's, you can watch this at any fucking point. This is, but the

Ah, so it's not a tune in. It's just like a go to the theatre. It's on there, but it's a different production every week. Oh, great. That's awesome. Yeah, Natalie would be well into that because fucking she's just been playing musical soundtracks and that around the house.

And all the way to every Hamilton song. It's driving us crazy. Oh, here we go. Right, I've got it here. It is... So that's... We cut it there. But that is the National Theatre on YouTube and I'm pretty sure they're adding a new one every week.

So just for people who like us are growing bored and insane during all this if you want to try and mix up your day to day and just treat yourself to a wee fucking uh that's gonna have natalie cream in that yeah i think you just bought me a blowjob i'm gonna be honest so i'll think you when i'm getting it no no no marlena think of marlena I'll think of I'll think of Julia Roberts I'll meet in the middle so I forgot to mention as well

because before I cut off there because I cut off and had to restart I was talking about how I've been drinking I joined the Naked Wine Club and then I joined the Gin Club

so it's always been nice drinks but I've bought a crate of fucking scummy beer but I've bought a crate of Carlsberg and put it joined the gin club so it's always been nice drinks but I've bought a crate of fucking scummy beer but a crate of Carlsberg and put it in the fridge for when I, if Newcastle get bought

I'm going to get on the cans Just all day I'm just fucking, I'm going to crack the cans, there's ten in the fridge and if I need to go out the shop I'm going to get some more it's an essential trip only I'm just going to get on the. It's an essential trip only. I'm just going to get on the... I haven't had a beer since

the second week of lockdown. When was St Paddy's Day? I had a Guinness on St Paddy's Day. No idea. Since then, I've just been on the fucking nice wines and nice spirits, just trying to make a nice treat. Fucking getting on the tinnies. Got them on ice. I check the news every hour.

I'm going to... You know what as well? If this files through and it doesn't get sold, I'm not drinking them cans. I'm going straight with a carrier bag, taking them to the nearest homeless bloke and just fucking giving me tinnies. Hope you have a better time than I do. I felt like I was jinxing it though,

when people got on with jinxing, but by even buying the cans, I was like, one, I don't believe in witchcraft or voodoo, right? So I'm not jinxing it. And two,

I'd rather the deal fell through and I've got cans than the deal went through and I didn't have cans. Imagine the deal went through and I didn't have. It's called the journey optimist. Imagine the deal went through and I didn't have it's called the journey optimist imagine the deal

when I didn't have fucking cans in the fridge and I had to go and queue up in Sainsbury's with that kind of excitement queue up in the centre of

London as if there's anyone else in fucking London just be like woo here we go and I just fucking honestly I'd be in the

fucking shop just wanting to hug people in the fucking shop just wanting a hug people in the shop fucking I'd end up holding my first tinny through a sports direct window shall we do some dad jokes aye

your dad runs a nail salon but only uses his teeth. He just bites people's nails. Aye, and their toenails. I bet this kills it with dough. Your dad got his cock caught in the zip of my gimsuit. Your dad undresses salad with his eyes. his salad with his eyes?

Your dad can't wait for the hairdresser's to reopen so he can get a bob. Your dad eats egg and cress sandwiches on the bus to school. When your dad went to give blood, he didn't realise there was procedure to it all, so he bust his own nose and started filling the cup. Your dad licks his wounds, especially his emotional ones.

Pro tip, insult your dad's dick and see what happens. Your dad wears River Islands ripped jeans with paint splashes on and artwork on the back pockets. Aye, and he gets all the 12-year-olds. Nellie at Steel just doesn't see the problem with it. Your dad moonlights his avaz. Your dad takes his inhaler anally. I also wrote down there, your dad's got a prosthetic head.

I must have thought I needed a spare. Aye, anything to plug? Just your dad's arsehole. Just the theatre. Just my dad's arsehole in the theatre. Do it again what was the YouTube channel

just type in National Theatre so at the moment it's it's just yeah National Theatre in Frankenstein

and apparently they're adding it up every week you cut off there but not on the recording so that's fine I'll listen back to it and get your recommendation

I've got a book that Daniel's currently reading that he just recommended earlier in the podcast he said it's his favourite book just go on to go on to Amazon from whatever country you're in

and type in Kai Humphries you'll find my book there we go done done bye see you next week

bye