Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 15. Hashslag

Episode Date: May 21, 2020

Taking a brief break from the sun muggins and cream discuss the influence their childhood toys may have had on them and briefly chat like a pair of pervy dads before roasting their mates. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Episode 1 million of the quarantine. I mean, it's been a fair few. I think we're at... It's been nine weeks? Aye, this is episode 14. Sweet. So there was...

We doubled up for a lot of it We've done two until it got impossible Aye I'm getting a second wind now I think it may be the sun Fucking lovely Aye In what form did your second wind come in?

Oh no it wasn't drugs No no that was not what I was asking But I'm glad to hear that's where you were going In what form? I just had a bit of get up and go it's Wednesday the day isn't it? so every day I've had this little mental checklist

that I do I do 8 minutes of sit ups I do 100 press ups I do 50 pull ups I go for a run I do some yoga and I floss my teeth that one's less strenuous

and I read 10% of a book and that's my mental checklist for the day and I am not in a rush to do any of it I just potter through them and it just hasn't brought a good headspace I've just done it for three days and it's good I've just been enjoying every bit of it

instead of seeing them as chores that I've got to get out of the way I think it's good. I've just been, I enjoy every bit of it instead of saying it's like chores that I've got to get out of the way. Aye, just little, I think it's good to say I used to have achievable things because that was something that in the first couple of weeks

where I felt fucking useless just because there was nothing to do so I felt like I should be doing something and then I wasn't so I was feeling guilty about those things and then this past week,

I don't know what's happened, I don't know if something personally has changed in my inner mantra or whatever voodoo bullshit Milo would say I've become really good at doing fuck all now aye

this week zero guilt zero guilt because every other time I've been doing nothing like there is other stuff that I could be fucking doing whereas this week I've been doing nothing, I'm like, there is other stuff that I could be fucking doing. Whereas this week, I've just fully embraced being a lazy piece of shit and just allowing myself. And then occasionally,

if something pops up that needs done, I'll just do it as it arrives. And that's what makes me feel productive. It's like fucking whack-a-mole productivity. We're lazy at all times. If I've given you a sell if you do, fuck all. Not begrudging yourself a couple of whiskies in the evening

well I mean I just had my chore for the day what was it I took all the chores to do the service I'm about to get a conversation with you where we are essentially both just dads for the next five minutes

you ready? get a shite moustache on, right? I'll go wear some fucking tighty-whities. In where? Turn the thermos. What, are you going to say we're going to be dads for a minute? Yeah, yeah, I'm about to. The topic of conversation,

the conversation I'm about to instigate is probably the most middle-aged dad conversation I think you and me will ever have in our lives. Hold on, I'm pulling my belt up to my ribs. Right. Mate, I'm tucking my shirt in. Hold on, I'll put my fucking slippers on but with socks. I've put my hair into a parting. I'm ready.

I'm looking through the top lens of my bifocals. Aye, right. So, got a power washer the other week. Nice. For getting the bits out between the patio stones, the moss. Aye.

Does that bring you joy? Oh, well, I mean, it's just, it's a chore that is the most menial, but it's brain chewing gum. Like, it's just purely a visual fucking stimuli because you've just got to aim it and at the dirty bit you know and then it's not dirty did i ever tell you that when the pool shut uh for cleaning i used to have to go in with a scuba gear on all the scuba gear in the jet washer and get like there was like the kind of green algae there just developed on the white tiles like on the tile cracks and it's just like the tiny tiles like, the kind of green algae that just developed on the white tiles, like, on the tile cracks.

And it's just, like, they're tiny tiles, and it's a massive pool. And I just had to go around the pool just with a scuba gear on and just, like, fucking, just clearing the green away with a jet washer. And it was, like, like you said, brain-chewing. Do you mean scuba or snorkeling?

No, no, like, with an oxygen pack. In the fucking... To anyone on the outside, you must have looked like the fucking... To anyone on the outside, you must have looked like the fucking biggest wimp in the world. Oh, there was a lassie I worked with as well. I probably shouldn't own up to this, but she was doing it as well in the pool,

just doing breaststroke legs, and she was right in the areas, and I kept glancing up. Oh, just underneath? You know, it was just like a good day at the office, you know what I mean? I wasn't staring to see what she had for her dinner, but it was just like a good day at the office you know what I mean I wasn't like staring to see what you had for our dinner

but it was like it was just something that was there in my periphery and when I looked around I would say it it was just it was just dead nice

and I was just there like underwater like just a view that you didn't expect just getting absolutely prick teased well back

so when I was in when I was in New York in January fucking a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend's birthday sort of thing so basically my mate just was like I'm going to a birthday party tonight do you want to come and I was like I don't know

whose birthday it is and they're like it's fine it's you know it's New York nobody gives a shit but it was like an Instagram person so I immediately fucking hated the concept of it because I mean that just sounds like, that's just the most American thing in the world. And just part of me coming from, growing up in Scotland,

it's just one of those things that it dismays me that it actually exists. Just the same way you got absolutely furious at me, like nothing I've ever seen when I introduced it. Oops. It has cut off. Hopefully he's kept it hopefully he's kept it running

and I don't have to do much editing he'll be talking as well at this point I've realised that we talk over each other at this point did we talk over each other again? no I've no idea what happened there because what happens right is we're cut off and then I think we both

just keep talking and then when I edit it together it's just us both can't hear each other we're cut off and then I think we'll both just keep talking and then when I edit it together it's just us both like can't hear each other we're talking over each other oh well I mean I know where I cut off from so let's just go from there I don't know

you're still recording though because I haven't stopped recording I'm still recording yeah yeah great that's fine that's totally fine what I was saying there there fucking

this is why this is why it's free guys this is why there isn't a Patreon this is why you didn't subscribe pay any money need donations please buy my show um yes i was saying when i introduced you as an influencer to somebody in japan oh yeah because uh they were they were gay they photobombed you which is muggly anyway and then i went oh you're being seen you're being seen in that photo by a hundred thousand people or something and sure how's that and i went oh it's just an influencer if you're fucking furious i was jane i just wanted to fucking thing to accuse to accuse

anyway but like my eyes light up as i realized i'd get into you man i don't i do not you know i don't necessarily i don't begrudge anyone that fucking gets their money from being an influence i mean that's not true i mean i absolutely do deep down but for the sake of sounding nice on a podcast i don't begrudge anyone from making money from being a fucking influence but i absolutely do resent being compared to someone that has actual no fucking talent wow yeah that Yeah, that's fair, because that's fair, because you've got your following because of another thing. You haven't just got your following

because of the photo that you're about to take in Japan. Aye. That said, Piggy could become an influencer, I think. I mean, who would want to be a fucking influencer? Well, influencers are never good influencers, are they?

No, some of them are. Some of them are fucking, you know, they go to the gym and they, you know, they're trying to influence you to be healthy. Like, there's healthy... There's vegan influencers. Piggy's also always the heaviest on Instagram, when she's on the sesh.

That's almost addictive to watch when you're watching someone fucking getting on it. So you're saying she could be like a booze influencer? Well, yeah, she could get her own following without using skill or talent to get it. I'm sure she does have skill and talent in the job that she's got. She does. She absolutely does not. That's not where she's...

She doesn't dare be presumptuous. Well, you know, she might have skill and talent in the bedroom. No. She might have skill and talent keeping cats alive. Well, I mean, no, not this year. No, no, no. That's why I said it. Yeah, but she could be one of them people that develops a following

by getting the critical mass from your following and then people just enjoy watching her sesh. I mean, if people want to follow her and watch her get pushed by all fucking mates, it's just... I mean, it's what I do. It's how I recollect about what I did the previous night. Anyway, my point was, the fucking influencer. So, go to this fucking Instagram party house.

And it was in like a hotel. So clearly they just rented out the penthouse for the birthday. And it was a two-floor penthouse. And on the upstairs was a pool. And on the bottom floor of it, you could look up into the pool from the bottom. Okay. Which, obviously... It's very quagmire.

It's very quagmire. But you walk in there you go i mean i'm not gonna look if there's if there's if there were the girls in their fucking bikini in there they know this is there they have to walk through this room to get in that tub so for me to be looking up they know the deal that's why they're in there uh look up sure enough just six guys in trunks yeah hi hi they knew what they're doing i think i think when the person made the room they were like i bet girls use this all the time but it just put girls off from ever using it and rightfully so rightfully so like it's i think and it's it's the it's the most instant form of justice i'd ever seen for perverts in the world because you just watch people come in,

men come in, make the same connection. They'd look over and they could see it. They'd be like, that looks like a pool. That's feet up there. That means we can look inside a pool.

And they'd always slowly but casually walk underneath and then they would try and sneak a glance up and then go through the same disappointment that the rest of us did while we were filling up our drinks.

Yeah. I've got a feeling, I don't know if this filling up our drinks. Yeah, I've got a feeling, I don't know if this is right or not right, but I've got a feeling that most girls like being in bikinis, but not that many girls like being seen in them. They don't like being looked at in them. I think that's fair. I feel the same way about G-strings.

But men think that girls are putting bikinis on to show their bodies, so they feel like they're entitled to a look? You know, Jean when I was living with Jean, the first time I'd ever lived with a girl, absolutely ruined thongs for me.

How's that? Because one day I was washing all of our clothes together and I was hanging them up and she had so many g-strings, like thongs and I was like, fucking Jean is an absolute many G-strings, like things, like thongs. And I was like, fucking Gina's an absolute slut. Like more than days in the week

in a week's wash. More than every single thing she has as a G-string. This absolute fucking slut. She's out there looking for dick every single day. And I, I was about to say,

I confronted her. What do you call this young lady? Yeah, if you went to do my washing And you found 14 J-strings of mine On a one week wash Aye, I'd be like You'd know I was a slut Aye, but not the type of slut I thought you were

I'm like, okay Looks like me and Kai need to have two conversations So I confronted her I was like why are you such a dirty slut why do you have all of these and she was like do you honestly think the only reason that thugs exist are for guys amusement and I was like

are they not I was like aye I'm like there's no way that's a comfort fucking thing yeah because men's Thongs are only for men's amusement Aye It wasn't necessarily I wasn't being a pervert in the sense

Everything women do is for men But I'd be like I only wear things For comfort therefore these Or to appear sexy So that's the only reason So does she wear Do lassies wear J-strings for comfort is that what I've just learned appear sexy so that's the only reason so so does she wear do do lassies wear

g-strings for comfort is that what I've just learned no not not just comfort but it's also like with the type of the type of work clothes they have

because have you ever heard of a VPL VPL aye visible panty line apparently that's a fucking no no on the old girl circuit

ah because we never have that problem with VPLs I guess I probably do when we run in no that's not true we run circuit. Because we never have that problem, do we, with VPLs? I guess I probably do when we run in joggers. I probably have a bit of a VPL going on in my running joggers. If it knew you were, I would think, oh god,

that's a no-no. I better wedge my arse so nobody sees my trousers. But we wear belts so people don't see our underwear is that why we wear them I mean

aye because otherwise because we're not wearing belts to keep our pants our pants stay up normally our trousers don't stay up because even with a belt like I hardly walk around

like a fucking jailbird or like a fucking gay a hoodlum erm but I generally even with a belt on have me boxers

slightly above me belt line and that's not like to show off the brand or out it's just that's where they kind of sit

well even then we're wearing jeans even then we're not going to have a VPL if we were wearing something that was bulging through our trousers

maybe like because I think they just don't like the fact that if they're wearing figure hugging clothes like there's no mystery left you're like oh she's got I wonder what Because I think they just don't like the fact that if they're wearing figure-hugging clothes,

there's no mystery left. You're like, oh, she's got us. I wonder what she's wearing. Oh, a thong or tighty-whities or a strap-on. But you know, it's quite nice, though, when you can see white linens and you can see French knickers or something slightly translucent through them. That's good. Hmm.

Well, just saying white instead of white. White linen, because they're just a bit more see-through, aren't they? Oh, okay. So it's like VPL isn't always a bad thing, is it? I think, I don't know, I think it depends on the

slut. I love I love that he went right we're going to have a dad conversation and then we'll just become 90s perverts

oh yeah well I love the dog and then we just we just paved like dads it was meant to be about a jet washer I just expected

you to have more to say on it. I did. I ended up talking about it. No, no. I'm referring to this one. I found it very cathartic, jet washing. No, no, no.

I enjoyed this part of the dad conversation. So what we can do now is you just tell me which of your 15-year-old daughters make you fancy. Or son. Or son. Or sun Or sun When When is it like Inappropriate

To just have a look At something Always When is Is it Is it appropriate To have a look At something you like

You know right I I like women in bikinis That's something That is kind on my eyes It's like It's to my eyes What a nice smelling dinner Is to my nose It's like Oh that's nice that is kind on my eyes it's like it's to my eyes what a nice smelling

dinner is to my nose it's like oh that's nice it's a joy but i know it's intrusive so you'll try not to look it's like you know if you smelled someone else's dinner and you just had to go oh no i'm not allowed to smell that and you block your nose i don't have that with smelling nice smells right but with seeing i'm not but you wouldn't. But with seeing nice sights, I have to take it upon myself not to look at the nice sight, just to be a decent guy. Even though I like the view. It's lovely. I think you're confusing. I think you'd rather just smell someone else's dinner

if their smell wafts into your nose. But if you lean over their fucking plate to take a sniff. So you mean you mean just be discreet about smelling someone else's dinner i think i think that's what it always is like i think and i don't obviously i'm not going to speak about it but i think that my personal view on it is look i don't give a fuck if somebody is like staring at me perving out or just staring at me because they recognise me or whatever,

just be conspicuous with it. Just don't make it obvious. I don't like the feeling of being looked at, and I don't think people enjoy the feeling of being fucking perved on. I don't think the thing is, don't look at me. Don't fucking look at me and enjoy this.

I think it's just, don't stare gop and take photos. Just make sure that I don't look at me like don't fucking look at me and enjoy this i think it's just don't stare gop and take photos and if you just make sure that i don't catch it i think that would be do you think it would be upsetting for some girls if they spent ages getting ready finding the right dress doing the hair putting a bit of cleavage on display and all that right and making themselves look absolutely mint and then just every man was just too decent and they thought they were gonna get out and turn heads they thought they were going to get out and turn heads. They thought they were going to walk into the club and a bunch of lads would look over at them.

Like, this is how tired I am with people in their 20s here. I'm fucking coming up 37. This isn't my world. But do you think they would be gutted if they just got note? Absolutely zero. Or do you think they'd be like, oh, finally, I live in a world where I can dress how I want without getting ogled at?

I genuinely think that the answer to that question differs from women to women. I think you've got some women who'd walk in there and they wouldn't be able to deal with it. It'd be the first time they'd ever experienced what it's like to be like most men. Just absolutely invisible. Absolutely.

I could put in loads of effort into your entire picking out the right shirt, right invisible. Absolutely. Loads of effort into your entire picking out the right shirt, right clothes. That's why, I think that's why girls are like, why do guys take so why can guys get ready so much quicker? And you go, because there's no point putting in fucking effort.

No one's going to look at us however I dress. Honestly, I am so invisible. I've developed such a good sense of humour, I get paid for it. That's how invisible I am. But I have, because I do find, even when I'm just talking about stuff like that, I feel so fucking ignorant

to what their world is like. I've actually, today, picked up the book Power, which you recommended ages ago, and it's been sat in my house since Natalie read it. And I've just downloaded an audiobook called Everyday Sexism,

which I don't know if you've read that one. I have. I don't want to say I wrote it, but I was quoted in it a lot. I bought a book called Everyday Sexism because I feel like I'm pretty good at it, but I just want to step up to the next level. I just want to see if there's any hot tips

that I've missed out on. I just thought I'd step into the community, you know, after speaking again and just tell me what I called. Like, I worry that. I worry that I'm going to find out that, like, that's not a joke because it probably is like if it's everyday sexism it's just like the

like what's it called you don't even know you're doing it it's just there it's just something that's part of you because you haven't had the light chained on it yet like I'm really worried that I'm going to read it and go oh no subconscious yeah subconscious yeah or just like ingrained into you,

like just stuff that you've picked up from your own parents, not just your dad, but your mom as well, like just the gender roles. And it's just like, it's something that like, it would be hard to shake because it's so ingrained into you. And then you'll find out and go, oh God, that is how I think. Yeah, I do think female doctors are nurses.

But I think the thing to progress is catching those moments and going, OK, yeah, look, it's shit that you think that way, but catching it is part of the positive thing. I can't tell you how much ingrained sexism I definitely still have in my system when it comes to any form of competition and and Piggy anytime she beats me at anything I am beyond shocked

in real life I'm like, I'm just, I'm a bloke I'm just I'm just naturally I'm just naturally better at this than you are, and then we'll play a game and she'll beat me

and I'll just go yeah no I mean there it is alright what's that game the one with the cards where you move fast not snap

spit have you played spit I don't think so it's like it kind of feels like a two man solitaire but you've got to move them fast otherwise you lose the card

if you don't take the card you want they'll take the card they want and it's gone so it's like a fast-man solitaire, but you've got to move them fast, otherwise you lose the card. If you don't take the card you want, they'll take the card they want, and it's gone. So it's like a fast game, and at the end, you just shout, spit, and tap the deck. I can't really remember how to play it,

but Natalie smashes it every time, and she smashes it. Like, if I ever played Snap, which I often refuse to play, because it's the most fucking... She loves playing it. She loves playing Snap. What a fucking weird fucking shit game

to love playing. But she'll bat as it is every time, right? Her reactions are so much better than mine. Yet, I feel like I could demolish her in every computer game, right? All she would have to do is learn the controls and she's better than us because she's clearly got better reactions. Yet, in my head, I'll just go, nah, she could never, ever, ever beat me in a computer game. Whereas I know she's got the better reactions yet in my head I'll just go nah she could never ever ever

beat me in a computer game whereas I know she's got the ingredients to do so I think it's more than me I agree had she played computer games for the same amount of time that you'd play a computer game she would absolutely trance you

I don't think you can just fucking pick up a game and then 360 no scopes even Waitai to have her reactions from Waitai get hit a lot less she could be better at that which doesn't explain

how you managed to keep hitting her then how's that? that's the everyday sex that was the bit that we were talking about that was the bit that were talking about yeah that was that was

that was the bit that was yeah oh my god do you get that yeah the computer games is one like every day

even though even though we play switch together every time I see Piggy with her switch I'm like ha girl playing a computer game

just never experienced it growing up yeah aye I don't know why is that just because like computer games

are for boys and fucking putting plaits and hairs for girls and make-ups for girls is that because that's they've been

or is it because they couldn't give a fuck do you think they got the same opportunity to play computer games but just like so disinterested well no I think

like I think it's the power of fucking as much as I think it's the power of marketing so as much as like look these things are for boys and these things are for fucking girls. And there are people out there going, hey, you know what, I don't think this is specifically for boys or specifically for girls. My kids can play with whatever they want.

They don't take into account that also a lot of the time the kids are the same on the watch, the fucking adverts. And I do, in the same way that, I guarantee you try and give a lot of boys a fucking Barbie doll and they'll say no not because they're sexist kids but because they've only seen girls playing with Barbie on the fucking TV that's where the association comes from

so maybe it's maybe the reason girls don't have a fucking interest in it when they're younger is just because it's genuinely not marketed towards them don't fucking see it

like unless you're the reason I started playing computer games is because my dad bought me a computer game console like and he plays them I going back to the The reason I started playing computer games is because my dad bought me a computer games console. Yeah.

And he plays them. Going back to the Barbie dolls thing, I had a little rant on me knitting a few weeks back now, but it was about, I did play with dolls when I was a kid. I had He-Man figures, Thundercats figures, all of these figures, right,

were dolls in the same way that me sister's Barbies are dolls, right? Except hers are um like society's expectations of pretty for a girl and mine are society's expectations of uh hot for a boy which is fucking ripped to shreds big muscles big biceps and all that right so i had my dolls right but mine had a lever on the back that was the only mechanical bit that it had it was a lever that made it fucking whap and uppercut. Now, when you talk about intrusive thoughts in your life, how as a child are you meant to not pull that fucking uppercut at any point?

So even if I'm playing like my sister would play with her dolls, right? Making an imaginary cup of tea for my dad. And my dad gets the empty cup and pretends to drink it, right? And I've got her cabbage patch kid going, did you enjoy your cup of tea kevin and then all of a sudden my left hand's got fucking lionel with a finger lever on the back i've just made me dad a cup of tea right i've just had a nice time in the kitchen with the cabbage patch kid and then all of a sudden now the only thing left to do is just bam bam bam bam and just knock the fuck knock the fuck with the cabinet. No wonder I've got a history of violence. It was the only I don't think

I don't think here's the thing the game didn't the toy didn't teach how to do that. You did that with the toy. Oh it was the only robotic part of it.

The only mechanical part. It's a fucking inanimate object. No it was an uppercut but this you put the fucking teacup in his left hand and he could have

uppercutted that straight into his own fucking mouth. He could have been drinking tea very I don't know with a lot of passion uppercut's such a

fucking brutal like not even a jab or a cross or a hook like the the punch that connects under your jaw do you know how

violent that is to punch someone underneath the mouth upwards I won't be able to hear what he's doing with bad guys I was I was six there's doing it with bad guys I was

I was six there's no I mean I know he doesn't say the boss but I think that's specifically why they do not like

Superman and Barbie that's why they don't sell them together just for the the temptation for childhood domestic abuse is just too and then you're like

you're like dad dad can I have an action man not being able to punish isn't enough I want my plastic figurine to fire hot lead through its enemies, rip holes in them.

Wait, a gun? A gun, action man, G.I. Joe. Do they not have guns? Oh, they do, yeah. I mean, I don't know if they do anymore, fucking PC brigades and whatnot. They probably don't but like that's I mean they definitely do

that was a that was a proper boomer fear there but action mans don't even have guns anymore and you go

I mean they probably do what with them being in the army I've turned out just fine I've been in like fucking 30 fights looking to be alive or not have murdered

someone with fucking head hitting the pavement alright did you have what dolls did you have as a kid was it just action mans Lucky to be alive or not have murdered someone with fucking head hitting the pavement. What dolls did you have as kids? Was it just Action Mans? No, I didn't have Action Man, actually. I remember asking for them, didn't get them.

But I was kitted out with He-Man figures, Thundercats figures, and I had some Star Wars ones where they had the lightsaber. So they're holding on to the lightsaber so they're holding onto the lightsaber and they had like this kind of plastic red or blue or green rod

in the arm and it had a little lever that like when you pull the lever the lightsaber comes up so it was retractable so I had them and then I had

a stuffed mushroom called Fergus that I took everywhere I think you've told us a little bit about Fergus. I have, haven't I? And I told you about Gavin's monkey called Rutherfudge, where you could put your thumb in your nose and your finger

in your ear and all that, and it had little slots for its finger. Yes, man, this is like I'm pretty sure... A little rerun. This is... Throwback Thursday. A rerun from season one of this fucking podcast that that's from. That was a throwback Thursday. Thrown back from season one Of this fucking podcast That's from That was a Throwback Thursday Thrown back to the time

We threw back to me childhood Aye Erm Speaking of Throwback Thursdays Did you see Tom Horton's Erm Instagram post today Erm

Of Another topless one He's looking really good I don't want to take that away from him Erm Have you seen his hashtags On his On his Instagram posts

No I don't know. I'll check them out now. Right. Can we read them out? Yeah, let's do them one by one. Let me just find the... I'm quite... Right, so that...

Honourable Tom. No, let's plug... If we're going to mark him, we'll plug the fuck out of him. So it's Honourable Tom on Instagram, and it's another topless one. I mean, it's not as impressive as the original topless one. I mean, he's in really good, Nick. He's putting a lot of effort in. He is.

Because I'm working hard and I'm not looking like that. So he's working harder. Right. I'm looking at it now. Shall we read out all the hashtags together one by one? Yeah. Do you want to go through them and then we'll go back to any that take we fancy? Yeah, absolutely.

Go ahead. Right. Hashtag lazy dog. Hashtag tan. Hashtag photo of the day. Hashtag pic of lazy dog. Hashtag tan. Hashtag photo of the day. Hashtag pic of the day. Hashtag happy. Hashtag me.

Hashtag sun. Hashtag Insta daily. Hashtag fashion. Hashtag shades. Hashtag photography. Hashtag nature. Hashtag friends. Hashtag girl.

Hashtag style. Hashtag fun. Hashtag selfie. Hashtag dog. Hashtag selfie. Hashtag dog. Hashtag TBT, which means throwback Thursday. Today is Wednesday. Long hashtag. Hashtag insta-like.

Hashtag smile. Hashtag see. Hashtag insta-mood. Hashtag holiday. I'm not seeing the next one. All right. Hashtag ig I'm not saying the next one Alright Hashtag eggers Egers What does that mean?

I don't know But don't pronounce it eggers Whatever it is It's spelled eggers Look There's not two G's It would be egers If that's a word

I'm just telling you Egers Alright Sorry Egers Oh sorry Hashtag sunshine Hashtag Hashtag art Has hashtag sunshine. Hashtag art.

Hashtag sunset. Hashtag summer vibes. Hashtag cool. Right. So it's a photo of him on the grass beside a dog. Yep, it's a photograph of him on the grass beside a dog, right, with both of his arms by his sides. Yep. Right? Not at arm's both of his arms by his sides. Yep.

Right? Not at arm's reach, taking a photo by his sides. No, no, no. Lying down like vampire sleeps. Yes. Right? Hashtag selfie.

Impossible, right? Veto. Right, so not a selfie. Already wrong. Scratch that, right? The dog's also paying attention, so I'm going to nick lazy dog right in the bud. Oh, yeah, that dog is in the...

Hashtag holiday. I don't think you're on a holiday. You're forced into retirement. You're on the dole. So we'll take holiday out. Hashtag fashion. You are shirtless. Yeah, but is the birthday suit fashionable?

Or are you talking about those fucking lucky, lucky man shades that you've got on? Right. Hashtag throwback Thursday on a Wednesday. We're getting rid of that. In the same way, hashtag sunset. It is, this is posted today at, oh, it doesn't say the time it's posted,

but I mean, even now, hashtag sunset would be wrong. Even if you took this photo and posted it now, I know this has been up for hours. Hashtag sunset. Nah. Do you think maybe what's happening is we're just explaining the joke? Do you think the joke is the fact that it's too many hashtags? Hashtag girl.

The one he got right who is peruses in the hashtag girl and do they want to find Tom Topless you know what those are actually two very important questions and let's discuss them who is searching hashtag girl on Instagram second of all are they on a list

so I have discovered so um he uses a hashtag generator because he wants to get more followers how do you feel about that is that a muggle corner oh yes yeah I would say it's a necessary muggle corner like I understand where he's coming from with the fact that you know during quarantine we're all comedians we've all got social presence and you know you've got to have fan base to be able to do and perform so his argument which

will be valid which is I need to be better on social media so I can get more fans so I can do what I want to do which is to and perform so I would say it's valid but what does that do to fans who like you and follow you and they're like

they're they want to connect with you they want to have that authenticity that comes with like following a comedian online and then they see this like fucking massive string of hashtags that's got now today

with a photo to the guy and they're like this guy's a bot well I think it depends some of them want some people want like it depends each person wants their celebrity in Some people want, like... It depends. Each person wants their celebrity in a different way.

Like, they want their person to be, like, genuine and then sometimes they want them to be fucking... Does Tom want to be an influencer? What? That's Tom... That's influencer style, isn't it? He's an influencer. But there are many comedians that become influencers.

I mean, fucking Starlin Ramsey, bro. Yeah. but there are many comedians that become influencers like I mean fucking Starlin Ramsey Ro yeah so let's go back to one more thing to cover before we move on from this what the fuck's IGAS what is that shall I google it

that's pretty that's pretty ballsy to just let this generator like because like the hashtags are obviously ones that are like... If it's generating them, that means...

Wait, wait, wait. So he uses an app that generates these? Yeah, and he's clearly not checking them. Otherwise, he would have maybe took some of these fucking weird ones out like girl and fashion and that. So what if it fucks you? What if it's like... What if the algorithm runs

and it's got like some fucking like Nazi like type oh no the IGers everyone I've followed it

and a lot of people 276 276 million posts with the hashtag IGers in it we're missing something here I'll google it

hold on aye what does it mean it's gotta be a are you googling it mean? It's got to be a... Are you Googling it? I am. So I'm just getting a bunch of people who look like they've just used a random fucking hashtag generator. Oh God. Are you ready for it? It's going to make you very

angry. Right. Is it an acronym? No. Yes and no. Right. So does the IG stand for Instagram yes ERS right how about then hit me with it that's it

you just you nailed it it's only the IG is the anagram Instagramers sorry so it's Instagramers Instagramers

hashtag Instagramers and that's a community of 270 million 270 million hashtag Instagram because that's a community of 270 million. 270 million. Hashtag Instagram. Yeah, hashtag Instagram and then ERS. I've got to do something right now. I'll probably get back on it in the future, but

I'm unfollowing Tom. Whoa, live on air? Live on air. The photo refreshed the stream to Mark Nelson's child, and I just clicked on Mark Nelson and nearly unfollowed Mark Nelson as a Tom. I'm not going to search for Tom to unfollow him.

I'm going to stick with him. I want to... I enjoy his songs. I enjoy his songs. I like his posts. I just had a query on a hashtag distribution I also do like

his topless photos he's looking mint like he actually fucking in the last one not that one that one just looks great right but the other one

he looked like fucking Chris Hemsworth like actual fucking like Avengers level fucking buff well I mean I'm looking at it now and you're being very

he looks amazing, but it's 100% not even close to the Avengers. Like, they are ripped beyond shreds. Ah, okay. So if you could put that next to a picture of Chris Hemsworth, I'd be like, fat. No, but he looks like Chris Hemsworth

as Chris Hemsworth does normally, I'd say that. Yeah. Do you reckon his mum took the photo 100% because he's on lockdown with his mum

and dad right and his dad's not his dad is not taking that photo his dad is the ex-head of the military so it's not

yeah there's no yeah there's no way he's got his dad to do it like he's not going to take a photo of his 36 year old son fucking flexing

in the garage like that's I didn't feel like that's the relationship we've got he's got his mom to take that photo didn't he

aye oh while while we're on the podcast just calling out people for their I mean we might as well we've

we've dobbed Tom in it now erm what's Elliot done to his hair oh man fucking amazing this is the worst right We might as well. We've dobbed Tom in it now. What's Elliot done to his hair? Oh, man. Fucking amazing.

This is the worst, right? Like, I am fucking loving roasting him. I'm loving fucking getting, like, he went blonde yesterday, wasn't it? But it came out like a kind of gingery. Aye. And then he put, like, a purple shock in it. Like, I'm sure you described him as using hair colour as a personality instead of a personality.

Like, he's went like that emo chick. He's got that K-pop look, hasn't he? It's almost quite well. Yes, he's got... Yeah, it was originally blonde, which was dye blonde just to get the... I imagine that was to allow the new colour to be more pronounced. The base. Right, so he is clearly...

This is where I'm holding back on rinsing him, right? Because he's clearly just fucking... He doesn't have to be on stage. He's having a laugh during fucking lockdown. He's done something wacky with his hair. He's locked down on his own for the most part, and he's getting a bit of attention online from it, right? And people are rinsing him.

And for him, any attention is good attention. So he's getting a bit of attention online from it right and people are rinsing him and for him any attention is good attention so he's just he's embracing it he's went fishing for attention he's got it there's nothing wrong with that right that's why he's doing it and i'm holding back on roasting him because i used to bleach my hair at that age because i thought i looked good but but but so what you're saying is your argument because he knows it doesn't look good

that he is worse aye no I'm worse I'm worse I don't actually I'm not sure if I agree with you there

because yours you thought yours looked good and yours was shite in the same way with my like tribal tattoos as well

it was very much like of the style at the time for people of that age you know what I mean like I was I look back and fashion's changed and left me behind

in a photo a lot of people put fucking highlights on their hair back then Beckham started it it kept going for a little while

but you you I mean I was usually if you go out of a pub I'm one of about 20 people in that bar that have got some like blokes

that have got some kind of fucking highlight in there Fran Crosgrove fucking bleached through their hair right so I was like

the same way as if I look back at a photo with curtains Elliot's doing it now like against the grain isn't he so that's probably why he's getting

a lot more stick than I did. What I was going to ask is how old is Elliot? 23? 24 maybe? How old was I when I attempted that fucking top knot? Was I 24? That wasn't that long ago, was it? 28, 29?

No, fuck off no 29 now aren't you yeah I'm 29 now I mean it's getting it's getting longer now but no it was altitude

it was four altitudes ago I think yeah can you put the top nut in now if you want to do it no I could turn my head into a fucking like shrunken

onion head looking thing I could probably get like I could get it the way that you do a two year old girl's hair just up the middle, just getting all in one place. But it wouldn't be anything as sexy as an actual top knot. I've not

thought off. I've definitely got the longest hair that I've ever had. We're getting back to Elliot's gone purple. Elliot's gone purple. Just, Elliot's gone purple. Just to let people know, the only two people I know who have ever gone purple in my entire life with their hair is both my Auntie Alison and my mother

and it was both when they turned 50. And that's why they dyed their hair purple. So he's now in a unique group of three. Midlife crisis ladies. Just going in and just being like, you know what, I'll just get my hair done purple. Just fancy it.

I mean, would you be tempted, are you not tempted to like go bald at all? Have you ever seen yourself bald? Oh, no, it's not, it doesn't work for me. I look like Gollum. I look like Schwiegel. It's not like, because it's, you know, the hat joke. I look like Gollum. I look like Schmeagol. It's not like... Because it's, you know, the hat joke

where I look like I've got cancer when I've got a hat on. Aye. Which, by the way, someone fucking bought a cameo and asked us to do a cameo and went, we saw you with such and such,

loved that joke where you said you look like a Down syndrome with a hat on. The whole cameo was me going, fucking Down syndrome. Who said I could wear fucking Down syndrome? I showed them again

I'll get my hat on I'm a blonde eyebrow so it looks like I've had chemo because it looks like I've got

any fucking hair on my face at all when I've got a hat on it's this fucking doubt syndrome

shit sounds like they were just laughing at disabled people I love that when he said he looked like

a mong what so yeah it just pulls off the same I look like a mong. What? So, yeah, it just pulls off the same effect as, like, putting on a hat. It just shows that I've got no eyebrows and fucking just... Aye, I just... I didn't look well. I didn't look well. Well, in that case, for the first time ever, allow me to sincerely say let's hope you never get canter then.

What, because I look like i've got cancer because if you if you look as bad as you do when you got a hat on oh boy well i think like you know you know when somebody like you know if you know me made fenn he's just looked old all his life and then all of a sudden he now is old and he just looks the same and you're like oh finally your face matches your age like if i get ill like i'll just eventually like same and you're like, oh finally your face matches your age. Like if I get ill, I'll just eventually like, oh now you just look like you're meant to look. You always

have looked ill, now you're just, oh. He's finally aged into his he's finally joined his age bracket. His looks have finally caught up with his actual timeline. I'll deteriorate how I look. I'll finally look as ill as I look. Here's something. Kind of on the basis that I found out caught up with his actual timeline. I'll deteriorate how I look. I'll finally look as ill as I look. I'll finally...

Here's something. Kind of on the basis that I found out, I can't remember what it was, I was reading an article a while ago, one of the very few productive things, I was just during the quarantine, and it was talking about the psychology of attraction and whatnot,

and especially like social attraction and how it changes. Over time it used to be the biggest and strongest and now uh you know people have genuine choice at this time because security is no longer a fear in or if it is a fear it's not in the way of like i need the biggest person protects me protection comes in many forms um yeah it could come in financial security yeah yeah or it could just be somebody who makes you feel secure in yourself so it's got nothing to do with finances somebody that's kind and sweet yeah that's intellectually superior and can think that way problem rather than fight their way out of it all right so

there's all these there's just a wide range attractions become the biggest uh thing in uh the world but they were saying a lot of the time it's socially we kind of have some self-knowledge of how attractive we are or how attractive we're perceived to be um by the rest of the world and our own brain automatically sort of makes us fancy people in our own range is that right yeah but i mean yeah yeah i mean i mean i'm obviously fucking paraphrasing here but the the what i got from the papers is essentially going your brain sort of develops a value of itself like how attractive you are as a human being and changes your expectations from people uh appropriately so what my question to you is what went wrong with natalie

and is is is it worth like a do you reckon it's a tumour pressing down on something? Do you think she's unwell? Aye! In the same way that whatever tumour is pressing down on your half-clan. You're saying security comes in different forms. Maybe it's just a life hack.

Maybe it's just a life hack for a guy. Well, he's not going to go anywhere, is he? Maybe she's just found the most security isn't going for the big strong guy or the smart guy or the really attractive guy that's gonna have better genetics to pass on it's just somebody that's gonna feel like they've locked out the whole time

that's good so her security is just the fact that not only you know that you'll never do better you know it's nuts about it though like when I

she feels like she's the lucky one well even though she's an excellent liar that's what's retarded oh shit I'm fucking

on to dad jokes did we have anything more to say about about Elliot's hair no no I think I think it's good what does his what does his girlfriend

think of it oh I messaged her earlier because she posted a video of him him taking a photo outside. And I said to him, I was like, why did you let him do this? And she said, because I like imagining I'm fucking a teenager with emotional issues.

And I said, that requires imagination, does it? That's literally what's happening. I love how Elliot here just started to betray him now because his whole shtick used to be like, oh, I'm 19, give us a break. I'm 20, give us a break. I'm 21, give us a break.

And then as soon as he turned 22, he's like, I'm 22, give us a break. Me and you both went, I had a mortgage. I could drive a car. I could like, you had like all of these things. I was fucking self-employed. Like we started, you start raving off all of these things I was fucking self-employed

like we start you start raving off fucking shit I suppose he is self-employed though um you start raving off shit

where you're like nah you're aging it ain't an excuse no more but however I did have bleached hair at that age so I'm gonna

fucking be good I mean I I had blue hair when I was younger and only for like three days because I'd be letting mistakes

so maybe but he does keep doing shit like that you know like when he tries to wear his mam's clothes and all that like it's

he raided his mam's house like it was a charity shop just started whacking one like a fucking mackerel walking into

the thrift shop he just fucking ended up wearing a big mack on with like a fucking big eyeball on the back and some like kind of

neat little sewing stitching like what do you call it embroidery on it and that and he's just walking around dressed like a Final Fantasy character

alright wearing a couple of wearing a couple of strap-ons around his neck like they're fucking chains and then he started he started wearing highlighter

right because he thought like oh this will get us a bit of attention literally it's a conversation start I'm peacocking I'm in 2005

and I've read a Neil Strauss book puts his fucking highlighter on of course Elliot was far too lazy to commit to that tiny chore

every day it lasted a bit a week so anyway that's my mates roasted anybody else queue them up

no well just your dad I reckon I haven't hit him so anyway that's my mate's roasted anybody else queue him up no well just your dad I reckon I haven't hit him your dad has one toenail longer than the others so that he can do cocoa off it

your dad your dad told your mam he was gay for the stage during lockdown because he didn't want to shag her your dad says your mum's was gay for the stage during lockdown because he didn't want to shag her. Your dad says your mum's pussy has an underbite. Your dad dislocated his own jaw so he could blow raspberries on his neck.

Your dad and I zoom each other much more often than you and I podcast. That makes me really sad your dad stabs his foot like a wrestler when he hammers nails in while he's making a

birdhouse your dad named his toes after each month of the year which one's the coke

toe Friday months of the year sorry months of the year Oh right sorry Months of the Friday When were you born?

The 10th of Saturday You fucking idiot It's a leap year this Wednesday Right I walked in on your dad watching porn and he quickly slammed his laptop shut hoping I wouldn't notice, but he completely forgot to stop hanging.

Your dad uses his selfie stick to film himself crying at the bus stop so that he can watch it back later on to see if he can work out why the bus driver won't stop for him. Your dad is an absolute train wreck and we should probably stage an intervention.

Fuck you, you're not my mum. Is that her line? No, you can't make me stage an intervention until she decides there's a mess imagine I stepped in before your mum on your dad's

behaviour look I've been watching from afar this is going to stop your mum's in the neighbour for anything I think he's got a lever you stage the intervention with your dad and I'll stage it with your mum right we'll keep the I think he's got a lever. You stage the intervention with your dad and I'll stage it with your mum. Right, we'll keep that.

This is the opposite of the movie The Parent Trap. Do you have anything to plug? You got your book coming out? No, no. You're not ready to plug that yet? Well, you know, I mean, the book is always available for pre-order on Amazon. It's available on the 3rd of November and it's called Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die. And obviously the pre-sales make me feel good about myself.

So, yes, please help. Are you doing a day drinking on Friday? I am. I don't think you're going to say not. I'll have to pause for it you are doing it cool so I'll see you for knitting so at 12 o'clock on Friday

day drinking with Danny at 1 o'clock on Friday knitting with me and aye see you all next week see you then right see you later cunt

bye