Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 16. Badminton Bingo Wings

Episode Date: May 28, 2020

Muggins and Cream mark the unofficial end of lockdown with a catch up of the bank holiday shenanigans of baking weed and drunken injuries before displaying the weed's potency in full force with some suggested adjustments to help piggy fly. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Hi, Daniel, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good. Any podcast? Aye. Right, see you next week. Well, no, I mean, lockdown's over, so we can just hang out now.

Oh, it fucking is an old man. Aye. It actually is. So since that fucking, that stunt, the government have been playing with just like one rule for them, one rule for us. Did you start then? Did you accidentally say stunt? Stunt.

Wait, I don't, close. Stunt the government's fault. Aye, so I went for a walk with Natalie in London Fields. I sent you a photo of it. It was like fucking Glastonbury. Aye. But everyone was still, everyone was still staying alert.

Oh, well, that's the main thing. Two metre, two metre in. But like, you had to like, wander around the park to find the two metres. You know what I mean?

If you wanted to join. Aye. Like a human minefield. Like a human field. A field. Aye. So like, you could stick within the realms

of two metres and staying safe and sunbathing in the park. Aye and aye so but were you the question is were you tutting the entire time were you walking through being like say it's i was taking photos look at these people while being one of them people well that's that's the key thing it's the you've got to partake in the hypocrisy but i had no choice but to sit down on the field because there was a bar open. It was serving outside and you could

go and get a pint, like an actual pint. Like a pint that you didn't pour yourself. Like a draft pint. Like my first pint of beer in fucking 10 weeks. And I had millions of them. So I and i had i had millions of them so i uh i felt like uh it did feel like lockdown was over it was like the fucking lockdown's over party even though still socially distanced obviously there's a public um there's a public

public bathroom to stop the park being flooded with piss and every everybody just self-policed it two meters apart one one in, one out. And those cop-ass gang running on horses and all that to fucking make sure I wasn't getting silly. It was all right. It was good.

It definitely felt like the first stage of reintegration, even though it didn't really reintegrate. Yeah, and even though nobody's told you to do that yet. It really feels like the first step of a manoeuvre that nobody's told you to do that yet It really feels like the first step of a Maneuver that nobody's told you to do yet

Aye, of a rebellion Aye It was a very, very civilised It's very, very civilised utter disobedience That's what it is Or, with the fucking vague Go out, don't go out, fucking get the bus Don't get the bus, vague ass fucking

You can figure your own interpretation because I stayed alert so and I stayed socially distant so by the letter of the law even though I would have said wait hold on you stayed what distance

socially distant is that what we're meant to be doing? For 10 weeks, I've been being emotionally distant with Cara. Ah. Fuck. Oh, man. Aye. Oh.

This is going to take some explaining. I think so. To be fair, I was emotionally distant, but while hugging her. Yeah, what's going to be funny now is you're going to be really like sweet and soppy but like on the other side of the couch just heckling over like that other character

in Home Improvement, what's the guy? is that the guy who pops over the fence? ah you never fully see his face, I think he's dead in real life actually is he? I guess how they buried him, just top eyes sticking out so if he comes down kicks in

so how many no no explain to me I'm living vicariously through you tell me more about the outdoor pubs and being outdoors

so it's called Pub in the Park I've been there before to watch a match remember when football used to be on, I watched an FA Cup game there, I think it was a couple of years back,

I watched Tottenham versus Man United. So I knew it existed, but I totally forgot where it was. And when we were walking by, I was like, oh, that's Pub in the Park. That's where we went when Demas was here for the half marathon. When he completed it. Yeah, when he'd come for the marathon,

when he was in the London half marathon. And completed it. And completed it. Yeah, when he'd come for the marathon, when he was in the London half marathon. And completed it. And completed it. Yeah, he got a medal. So, yeah, I was like, that's the thing. And then I was like, is that a... Because it looked like the queue from Asda, you know, the queue in Asda is like fucking two metres apart

and people there. I was like, is that a queue for the... Is there a supermarket next to it? I was like, that's a queue for the fucking pub. And there was just a couple of lassies with a, like, trestle table,

like, or a car boot sale were fucking going behind, pulling the pints, serving you. Fucking, I just did,

I went in for a walk. I'd ran five kilometres in 20 minutes and 19 seconds that morning. I was feeling pretty healthy. I had no designs on hanging one on and fucking getting cunted.

Aye. But, you can't let, you can't let an opportunity that i'll pass you by so i mean all i know is that you you go i don't watch any of your uh social media i don't actually need to go on social media uh much because thankfully cara consumes all of it and then just gives me all the tidbits and all the nice that's good that's you've got like a filter it's so good man don't give me all that tidbits and all the good bits. Oh, nice. That's good. You've got like a filter. It's so good, man. Don't get me wrong. I'm still, that's not my way of being like

she's on her phone more than I am. I'm also on my phone a lot but she's just got this, I've got the meme side of things covered. I look for those. She looks for the gossip

and then we just summarise for each other. That's good because that's like, I do that with Natalie. She doesn't get on Facebook or Twitter but if there's anything good, Natalie she doesn't get on Facebook or Twitter but if there's anything good

like she doesn't miss a Frankie Boyle tweet because I'll just fucking screen cap them and send them when I'm right next to her it's just

it's a smart type of farming online there's so much information out there and go for none of the useful ones just make sure that you're both

bringing in heavy crops of utter utter shy gossip and memes I think it's a healthy way to go through so I know Just make sure that you're both bringing in heavy crops of utter, utter shite gossip. And memes, I think, is a healthy way to go through it. So I know, the only thing I know is that you got so drunk that you missed knitting. I slept in for work. I don't know, but here's my thing.

How did you start day drinking and how did you stay up till 7am? Because on the way back home, I went and got a packet of cigarettes. Oh there we go, right. I took out a packet. And a bag of I got some bottles of beer, actually there's still some in the fridge. And we already had some wine in. We already got some bourbon

from Jim Beam on the balcony. And just fucking hung one on. Just stayed up until I fucking passed out. Just you? Yeah, me and Natalie. She's fucking got on it now. And she fucking just hurt her arm.

How? Because... Trying to wank off a coke dick? Well, off camera, doing a couple of challenges and that. Oh, aye. Just like for the crack. Not for the legs. Not for the gram. Not for the gram,

just for the gram of your heart. Well, they're little challenges. One of them was on the pull-up rail, I threaded my feet through, so I'm hanging from the pull-out rail, I threaded my feet through, so my arms kind of get twisted back over, and then they'll pull up

and touch the top of the door frame on my bum and i told nally to have a go at that and and she just kept on going like you know once she went through she didn't try and control it or do a pull-up she just her legs kept on going until her arms were just unnaturally bent and she just kept a hold of it I was like let go let go and then and then she was like ooh my arm's sore and I didn't I didn't really

make much of a fuss about it that was nice of you I was just like aye of course it's sore did you see what you just did if it wasn't sore

you were fucking you were an avenger so because I didn't make that much of a fuss if it wasn't so you're a fucking you're an Avenger so because I didn't make that much of a fuss of it after five minutes she she dropped

she dropped to her knees she's not going to thank us for sharing this she dropped to her knees and did like a cartoonish cry like oh I'm so sore and openly sobbed

about her arm which I laughed at because that was that was pretty you do you ever listen to these podcasts back

and listen to how you come across as a husband because that's pretty funny as far as spectacles go you know like you're just having a drunken laugh

with your lass and just drops down and he's like ah well I mean from one perspective but from another perspective

when you've heard you know and twice and both their just laughed at your fucking face and I had just I didn't want to

run over like you know if a kid trips and falls and you run over to them they'll like start crying more

so like I just went ah come on it'll be alright and I had a little look of it I made a sling out of my pyjamas I got me nice

Ralph Lauren ones I made a sling so she had an arm on a sling all night and just in the same hammock

fucking hold your boss like in your gudge with less stress on it less stress on the fabric so I made a little sling I gave her a postman pad sticker packed her around the head

bought her another shop why because you were about to come so it's just really sore it's still a bit sore a couple of days later like i probably should have made more of a fuss at the time but i i obviously at one point the pain was too much for her she fell down and started crying and you just continued to laugh to her and you're like hey hey when a child does this, this is what you do. Yeah, well, guess what? Your wife is 47, so. Whoa.

Roughly. I'm rounding that up. Up slightly. So, yeah, she could get like, it was just like sore when she put it on above her head. I've torn my retina cuff before and I think it's like a mild version of that

because like, I couldn't get it arm above my head at all for like a month or so. It was absolutely fucking spangled. She seems to have the same saunas, but it's got more of a range of motion. She's going to end up with a bit of tentative. I think it's like she's got a sore rotator cuff.

I wouldn't say it's torn because she's got too much motion but she's got to look after it like so your wife your wife hurt herself so it was like in the morning when I

sorry I forgot that it was a legit injury like okay okay so just to clarify what happened your wife injured herself you laughed at her

you gave her no sympathy later on I did no no I'm not finished later on in an act that she would not want

you to just send her the podcast she felt out of the crowd and started crying you then also laughed at her then you came on this podcast and started talking about mainly how the injury's not as bad as she's saying it is just coming up and being like

it's your exact word for like you know they say when I return my rotator cuff but a very minor version of that aye

so like man it's like as much as I'm making light of it my heart fucking does

bleed when like it's just such it's such like I hate it when she's in pain

because she's such a pussy like it's so pitiful that like, heaven forbid anything like, actually happened to her.

My heart would fucking break if anything did happen to her. It's like, I would like, I would take that pain if I could. It would just show out like,

going on like a man. What? No, I'm being a dick. Like, really, like, she doesn't deal with pain well.

If we ever had a fucking, that make the decision to have children, like, she's not going to enjoy that one bit, like,

that's meant a knack. Well, no, I mean, they say it does. Ah, if she can take a, like,

I didn't believe any of them if Natalie just does it with ease. Well, no, I mean, they say it does. Ah, if she can take a leg. I didn't believe any of them if Natalie just does it with ease. I just, like, you've seen all, look, we've watched nature documentaries, you've seen animals give birth. Ah, I've actually seen a lamb being born in real life. How many of them moaned the entire fucking time? I watched a lamb drop wood of a sheep and a

the sheep just like plopped into another one straight after and I was just looking and again that sheep like is still chewing cud aye doesn't give a fuck

any morphine anyone like mopping its sweat off its brow I think it's an absolute it's the only conspiracy I believe in is that

it doesn't hurt that much because it's the only thing we can't prove no because they know it they're just all in cahoots The only conspiracy I believe in is that it doesn't hurt that much because it's the only thing we can't prove. No. Because they know it. They're just all in cahoots.

Just take that word for it. I mean, they do a fucking good job of pulling off, like, I mean, I'm saying that. I've only seen it in film. I've seen the day they do a good job of pulling it off. I can't say I've ever seen a woman giving birth ever ever it made me a fucking doddle and then Hollywood just like brushes it up a bit

well I mean that's the thing puts a bit of drama on it the back and track of screams when Natalie when she gives birth would you ever be

would you be down that end what the business end aye em for em aye aye That end. What, the business end? Aye. Erm, four. Erm, aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. You fucking, you've got to have a look at that, like. No, you fucking don't. You've got to have a deke's at that. Why? Just, like, fucking morbid curiosity. But I don't have morbid curiosity when it comes to the person I love. I've only got, like, sexual curiosity.

If that's happening to you there, right, the fucking, the human that is made to give us just fucking, like, horror movie tearing itself out of your wife's body. Aye. Like, you can't miss that. Yeah, you can, quite easily. Weird.

No. Even if you're just like, just have a look at me. Nah. Like, Even if you're just like, just have a look at me. Yeah. Nah. Like, for everyone that's like, it's beautiful.

I'm like, I don't think it is. I don't think it is beautiful. I just think you're so trotty. You just have to say it's beautiful because the woman's in labour. You can't muck her off

and be like... It's not even the miracle of it just being your child and all that, right? Like, if you, Daniel Sloss was to have a baby push its head

out of your arse I'd look at that no I don't think I'd want you to of course you wouldn't of course you wouldn't I wouldn't be able

to stop looking I'd be like fucking hell you've seen that I would be like I would want to watch that and your face at the same time like it's a good job of bong-eyed it'd be like I would want to watch that And your face At the same time

Like it's a good job Of bong-eyed It'd be one eye Watching the baby Coming out of your eyes And the other eye Just looking at your Fucking horrifying expression

So you can tell me When Natalie gives birth You're going down there To look at both of their faces Aye I would be like Fucking just between the two Just looking at her face Looking at the kids' head

Nah I'll stay I'll stay up at the I'll stay up at the Screaming end And just I'll be there emotionally I'll be like I'm here to No, I'll stay up at the screaming end and just I'll be there emotionally, I'll be like, I'm here to support you I hope you're doing okay and like the doctor and everyone else who has a fucking

medical licence can be down the other end. Are you taking your switch? Aye. You're knitting. I choose half of it. They're doing like in the maternity ward with knitting needles. choose half of the people. They're different, like, in the maternity ward with knitting needles. A bit late for that, sir.

No, no. Just the gift shop child vodka. Just with the child support, just start knitting in the umbilical cord. Just knit a couple of stitches in when she's

torn I don't think Cody was always because Cody was giving me a hard

time he was like I told him that I don't think I'd like to be down the business end

and he was like he was one of these people he was like oh man you've got to see it's the

miracle of life and I'm like I don't think you do I don't think you have to see it did he

have a look did he absolutely yeah and he vouches for it he's like it's amazing man, you've got to see it. It's the miracle of life. And I'm like, I don't think you do. I don't think you have to see it. Did he have a look? Did he? Absolutely. Yeah. And he vouches for you. He's like, it's amazing. It's like,

he was being very Milo about it. There was a lot of Milo sentences leaving his mind. Like a lot of things like, no, no, no. But you've got to be down there so you can fully appreciate the strength of your wife.

And you go, no, I'll accept that pregnancy is the most difficult thing in the world I'll take their word despite my earlier joke I will take their word for it I believe them don't need the evidence appreciate the strength of your wife I've seen the cunt trying to dig a pull up I would say maybe it's actually wise to be like Nick Cody and Milo McCabe the fact that they're down the other end how condescending is that

they don't believe that their wife were in that much pain they have to double check I've got to check this I'm not being fooled for this it's like looking up the magician's sleeve there's got to be some there's got to be smoking oh my god

just holding the blanket up and then a baby comes out. Look. With Cody though, it was brave for Cody to go down the business end because he's got quite a big swede, so genetically he's expecting a bloodbath.

Aye. He's got a big noggin. He got a big he's got a big big noggin he's like he's a proper sniper's dream that is a

because he's got like he's got a good size chassis out of an owl he's got the thorax to prop it up

it's not like he's just dwarf proportions he's like his head's a sniper's dream and his fucking body is a

rocket launcher's dream grin and DS dream in his fucking body is a rocket launcher dream a tank's wet dream so this was this weekend it was Natalie took

today and yesterday off as well so it was like the first time she's been Taking advantage of the lockdown. All right, like she's on hold at the same time. I'm off. We've had like a Friday through through till today Hey, I know I've got on it probably got on it listen to some meatloaf and that Oh, got on it. Properly got on it. Listened to some meatloaf and that.

Sat in the balcony, smoked a deck of camels. I'll tell you what I did the other day. I'll tell you what I did on Monday. I made marijuana butter. Oh, how was that? Because how do you even know the dosage? Well, so that's the fun game. So Rhys Nicholson of homosexuality fame. Another one. We all do.

And his lovely partner, Kyron, we just messaged them the other day because we're doing that thing that I imagine most people do in lockdown at some point, which is you really want to Zoom someone and even though you've got an infinite amount of free time, you're also just like, people do in lockdown at some point, which is you really want to Zoom someone. And even though you've got an infinite amount of free time, you're also just like, we'll do it at some point next week. And then you just don't because you forget and time difference and whatnot.

Mate, I had a, not to derail the story, but I had a bit of a tragedy today. You know, when I was telling you when I tried to rewind my running headphones, it calls the last person I dialed. Aye. I nearly prank called you today because the last person I dialed was this podcast. Oh. That was really sad for me. I was like, oh, no.

I've not been that sociable. So, yeah, they've eventually done the Zoom call after 10 weeks with you guys. No, no, no, we didn't even, no, no, no, we still haven't done it. Oh. No, no, so it was just, I was literally

just while we were organising it Rhys was saying that he'd started making cannabis butter and I was like how hard is it and he goes the process he was doing

which was like the real process where I think you know he milked the marijuana cows himself he was like but it's good but there's just this machine

it's called the herbal butter machine you just buy that it's apparently way better so I was just like well fuck i'll just do that so i bought that and then i had to buy like a half an ounce of weed so what you do is uh the guy uh you're obviously meant to like work out the dosage like you're meant to know the strain of weed that you've got but because we're in the united kingdom and you instead of buying drugs in a drug store you buy them off a drug dealer I have no idea the type of weed I'm buying sometimes right yeah don't know the strength

don't know the strain it's like you wouldn't go into an off-license and go one booze please aye and I'll just trip but that's what I was absolutely doing with the weed so you stick it in the oven at the wheat or at like 120 for a bit it's for about 20 minutes and that's just to activate the THC so we need the oven dry and dry dry roasted all right dry roasted but under foil and then uh you stick it in this machine along with some uh i can't remember the name of the the unclared unclarified butter and some fucking sunflower resin and then you just press a button and it churns it for like

two hours. How much is this machine? What? How much is the machine? The one I I think it was about £150 You get them online? Yeah. You didn't go into the shop Well no, my favourite thing about the machine, it's called the Magical Butter Machine

and the brilliant thing about the Magical Butter machine is that it's very clearly for marijuana. It's very clearly to make weed butter with it. But because they sell it in multiple countries, they cannot market it as a weed thing. Even in the instructions, it's just them using any other word than marijuana. So it's like pop as being called room odouriser or LP cleaner. Oh yeah man, the whole thing is like when you just take your collection of herbs and do not pre-grind your foliage

and you're like Jesus Christ somebody got a thesaurus. Yeah, so it's just elude and do it. What a fucking ridiculous world that we live in. That has to be the case. But anyway, so it does that. You press the button.

It churns it for like fucking two hours and then you just get the fucking moulds that you want it into. So I ended up pouring into those. I made about fucking, I think it was about 10 mini bars. But obviously we're looking at them going, I've no idea how strong that is.

I've no idea how strong the weed is. I've no idea how strong this is. I've no idea how well I've done it. So whether I fucked the potency or whether I've not, I've got no idea what any of this fucking means. So I just said to Cara, yes, I was like, make some Cracknol. She makes very good Cracknol, it's my favourite thing. Nice. And she was like, how many sticks do you think... Like pork Cracknol? What?

Pork. No, no, no, no, no, no. Cracknol is like this. It's... Like pork scratchers, no? No, no, no. It's a dessert that you get at fucking primary schools up in Scotland. And when I say that, I mean, Cara likes it so much that she went on the Aberdeen City Council website to find out whatever the school's recipe for this was.

Nice. We did that with shit balls. Or shit bars, we call them. Oh, I think you've already done that so yeah she makes this thing called crack

no and we'll just like stick fucking three stick three of the butter things in there and just see see what happens so you made butter sticks

they weren't eat these butter sticks they were used as butter in baking yeah yeah they're butter so when you're baking like So when you're baking, because when you're baking,

do you not have the same amount of butter, sugar and flour? Is that like the mix, like the even mix of that? I think it depends what type of thing you're making and how fluffy you want the fucking cake to be. So you would wear the butter and then wear the sugar and the flour to match?

I will take that. I'm not an experienced baker. Well, I'm going to learn because now we've got these fucking sticks of butter so I'm obviously just there going like, what else can we do?

You can make little muffins. I genuinely, I had weed peanut butter on toast. Great. Like, just spread the butter onto some toast

and then some peanut butter on the top and didn't get the doses right on it. It felt like a little bit kick out of it but like, proper fucking.

That must have been a weird thing but that must have been a weird thing that must have been a weird thing never after having peanut butter on toast have I been having that 45 minutes waiting for it to kick in it's like

this isn't the emotion that follows peanut butter it's eh I mean that's a very good point but I want to I want to do it with more

like if it's butter and it's quite easy to fucking make this stuff it doesn't have to be cakes could you make like butter chicken yeah I guess so how much butter do you use on butter chicken

you use it sparingly this is a question I wanted to ask about it does your house stink no well when you're baking it yes like right because i was gonna say if you put if you put weed open on the coffee table it stinks the house out i or at least the immediate vicinity now i imagine if you're just popping it in the oven for an hour or so you're only putting in there for about 20. You're not trying to get any smoke or anything off it. But yes, it does create a little bit of a smell, but not as much as you think it would.

Ah. Because I've been putting cauliflower in the Ninja Air Fryer with a bit of spices in that. I'm sorry, what sentence did you just fucking say to me? A air fry cauliflower? What?

I use the Ninja Air Fryer. Oh, I think you've told me about this, but I still don't think I understand how you can air fry something. Well, it's like deep frying it in fat, but without the fat. It's like a small oven. I understand why that makes no sense to me.

That's like saying it's like swimming, but without water. Yeah, I guess it's like the George Foreman grill response to frying. me that's like saying it's like swimming but without water yeah i guess it's like a it's like the george foreman grill response to frying okay like it's like the it's just like the tabletop way of frying something but so is it just like a fucking really really bright hot light or that is it what me i don't know i'll pop i'll put my phone on recording pop it in there do i mean i'm a little look at watch the footage back and just see what's up What? Mate, I don't know. I'll put my phone on record and pop it in there.

Do? I mean, I'm... Have a little look and watch the footage back and just see what's up. Anyway, you'd ran out of all the nice, delicious things to try, so you thought to yourself, I'm going to fucking air fry cauliflower. Delicious. Lovely. Mmm.

I also made mac and cheese the other day. Well, Natalie did. I watched. You know, that was nice. But anyway, the other day. Well, Natalie did. I watched. You know, that was nice. But anyway, the air fryer and the cauliflower, like your house smells of cauliflower for a bit. So imagine with a weed, because that's more pungent than a cauliflower.

Yes, like, don't worry about it. Definitely. If I reckon, man, I've got a big house, so it's hard to say. Yeah, as well. You can ventilate it quite easily. You can open the whole side wall. Aye, we've got a big house so it's hard to say. Yeah, as well you can ventilate it quite easily. You can open the whole side wall. We've got a kitchen with a window right

beside it that opens up. Anyway, so I was very sort of nervous, not nervous, but I'm just sitting there going this is so stupid. I don't know what the dosage of any of this is. So I'll do it first and see what it is. But you know you're never going to know how long, because edibles are so weird man. You don't know if it's going to take 30 minutes to kick in or whether it's going to take 2 hours. You don't know you're never going to know how long because edibles are so weird man

you don't know if it's going to take 30 minutes to kick in or whether it's going to take two hours you don't know if it's going to last or that you've got to deal with it on Tuesday aye

we nailed it the fucking first time great every single aspect of it as long as you've got to be bold and go for it don't you if I fuck it up I fuck it up it doesn't matter

aye it was what a fucking turn of events it was. So I took a bit of crack now yesterday, got stoned off my face, went to play Dungeons and Dragons with Gareth and the Scotch Boys and then left Cullen and Cara

to make, we've got a barbecue. So I was like, you can just make that. I saw that, you've got a barbecue now after the shame you felt from that last tinfoil tray. Oh, no, no, no.

We knew exactly what that was. But after the American Barbecue, I saw it because I saw you talking about the knitting thing where you were making them step up about the whiskey. Aye, aye. Because you were going like, look, that's not a barbecue. And I'm like, I've seen a Pronto Barbecue now. And even then, I think a lot of texas

people would rightfully even with the barbecue we've just bought probably look down on it compared to i imagine the shit they've got over there but just before they it's like when you're in scotland how often can you get it out you know like yeah yeah yeah actually like you're catering for a couple of times a year it's not like it's not like a lifestyle like it is in the hot countries. Aye, well, but the thing is, it could be, though. Like, it's just purely for fucking, like, choice that you don't. I mean, the Scandic people, the thing I love about Scandinavians and all those countries so much is when it's cold,

they still do shit outside. And they just go, there are bars outside, there are cafes outside, there are restaurants, there's outside seating at restaurants. Because they just put... You bars outside there are cafes outside there are restaurants there's outside restaurants because they just aye and I'm just like aye

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the deal with the elements I'm hoping but it's wind and brits I don't think I just think we're used to it I think we are so because our summers are so fucking short and shite we just sort of

we oh no maybe they're not that long maybe it's because in the Scandic countries because it's colder for so much more

of the year yeah they just can't have more yeah they just can't have it whereas we're in there because we fucking, for some reason, we model ourselves on America over Europeans.

Because for some reason, Britain prefers Americans than Europeans. So, at least the Americans, they've got really long fucking summers and whatnot. That we're just like, oh, we'll just do what they do. And they're in tight now. But we've got such a small window of opportunity

to do what they do. I just really we but we but we've had such a small window of opportunity to do what they do all right i just really i really because we you know we bought this fucking barbecue and we bought this uh garden furniture i hope that we actually fucking use it during the winter it's got fire pit on it mate i mean that's that's that's an excuse to stay outside in it it's got a fire pit what they know with the furniture we've ordered we've also got a got a fire pit anyway i've been distracted what were we talking about originally? You were talking about Piggy made the barbecue. Aye. No, no, no.

So Colin's edible kicked in within 20 fucking minutes. And... Same edibles. Yeah. Yeah, well, because with an edible, you're like, it's going to kick in in an hour. And the barbecue says it takes an hour to build. So this is perfect.

By the time we've built the barbecue, I'll just start getting high. Oppos high after 20 minutes and then cara had to and and like we were talking about it last week when you when your sexism kicks in on the inside you know it's a bad thought but it still comes in anyway and then and then you say it out loud because you didn't say i'm awesome i didn't say it out loud but I'm happy to well not happy to admit this but I'm willing to admit this when she was like I'll make the barbecue I'm like

there's not a chance there's not a chance and not the fact that you can't build things like I would trust with Ikea furniture but in my head I'm like

you've got to connect you've got to wire up the gas yourself like through all the things you've got to literally set up the hob set up the whole thing

wire it she's not going to do that it's so funny isn't it because anybody that knows me like through all the things, but literally set up the hob, set up the whole thing, wiring it. She's not going to do that. It's so funny, isn't it? Because anybody that knows me and Natalie will know that Natalie would be the most proficient at building and setting up a barbecue out of the two of us. But I would still go into it as like,

I've got this, babe. I'm the man. That's it. I've got that with everything. Despite the fact that I'm the person that is stoned most of the time and doesn't read instructions properly yeah and has no patience

before she started building it, Cara did something I've never done in my life, before building the barbecue, get this, she read the entire instruction manual first I mean it seems smart when you say it but but who does that? at least give her a shot first.

Aye. To be fair, I think that's a lot like when she Googles the end of movies. I'm like, you're ruining it for yourself. Yeah. I am always trying to figure out the pieces before I even think about looking at it. And then Natalie will just be getting the instructions and not touching the stuff.

And then she obviously comes to the conclusion way quicker than I would. Aye. Do you reckon they must have... Bashing them together like a monkey with two bits of fucking rock and a stick just... What was...

What sexism do you reckon they have about us then? What do they have about us? Like, what's something that they wouldn't... Like, when they're like, there's no way these boys would be good at this.

Probably nothing but for two reasons. One, we knitted them a jumper last year and two, they're like there's no way these boys would be good at this probably nothing but for two reasons one we knitted them a jumper last year and two they're better people than us people might think that the knitting was a real step out of what gender profiling

that was like what just assumptions do they make that they think they probably deep down think they're better than us at everything because they kind of are. They might assume we're to be strong. I think like a lot of lasses might like assume their husband to be like just ingrained in them to be able to step up in a fight. ingrained in them to be able to step up in a fight, whereas he might be like, just because

he's a man means he might be absolutely intimidated by conflict and really fucking shit in his cell at the thought of being punched in the face. Oh yeah, I'm right, I can talk for myself. But if they come into a position of conflict, they might have this ingrained sexism

where they feel like they can just step behind and to the left and just stand behind them. Oh, yeah. They might just in the back of their mind go, oh, there's a man here, it's fine. And the man might be going, oh, my fucking God, I wish there was a man here. No, I don't think, I don't think,

I don't think we can ever look at anyone starting a fight and be like, oh, Daniel's got this. Oh, I don't think we've been... She'd be like, phew, I can outrun Daniel. The thing is, you can't. She can't outrun you? No, I'd have to pick her up.

I would have thought that Cara would have... I think because you'd probably be a bit more powerful off the blocks you could outrun her on like a short distance but I would have thought that Cara would outrun you over long distance no is that a wrong assumption? no she's like maybe over long

distances because I know she does she does go in the fucking treadmill I don't know and she weighs nothing it would not be hard to run Cara far if you were Cara it depends where the wind's going doesn't it it would be easy to get here from A to B

you wouldn't need to put much energy in I think you're a fat cunt I was just saying what she really needs to do one day is to put on a bunch of weight and then lose it really fast so she's got fucking bingo wings and then any way she goes into it she can just turn into a wee flying squirrel. Aye, that would work, wouldn't it? If she fluctuates in her weight like Christian Bale does just once, she could be the next Stephanie Evolution. Just to get the skin mass

just get a good bit of skin mass lose the weight real quick so she's still got the skin and then just aye that would work

I'll just see why I wouldn't nah she might even be able to flap it and get a little bit of lift no because there's a flap.

There would need to be some bone protrusion that would make the flap taut. A bit of skeleton within it. Aye, it needs to be taut for flapping to work. Otherwise, it's just flapping in the wind. It might as well be a lady at that point. You might need a modifier with a few lollipop sticks and some sellotape.

Aye, or I just fucking staple a badminton racket one way to drill it into her arm downwards. She says staple it in. Bite down on this belt baby, I'm just going to staple a badminton racket like a bingo wing.

I'm trying to see if you can fly. Who said romance was dead? Who said romance was dead who said romance was dead I'm gonna say if you can fly look I had an edible and I've had this idea come on you never you always say we don't do enough together

you say I've been emotionally distant all this time now I want to work come on and you walk in for the badminton rack and she's like, ooh, he wants to play badminton.

Nope. I'm going to staple this into your bingo wings so I can throw you like a paper airplane. Well. Anyway, my point is,

the edibles are good. Oh, good, yeah. When do you reckon we'll be able to come up to Scotland? When do you think that level of... Well, I mean, look, I'm going to tell you the truthful answer. Publicly, you and I will see each other again in three months time privately and not on social media

I'll see you in the next couple of weeks aye do you think so aye fuck do you think it's getting like that I'm sorry no

do you think I'll just hire a car and go and test my eyesight for a fucking few hundred weeks aye I just like the fact that he the fact that Dominic Cummings hasn't apologised

and the fact that he's not been fired and just this whole thing, nobody's going to give a shit anymore and it's all over. Aye, they've well and truly fucked that, like, what the fuck? Just, like, just step up, just go and look,

I'm fucking human, the same as the rest of you, I fucking panicked, they're making everybody else feel like fucking assholes for missing their mother's funeral. You know what I mean? Like, people are going, oh, I'm the dick for not seeing my granddaughter for the first fucking 10 weeks of her life.

I'm the dickhead. So it's just like, I'm not that angry at them. I'm frustrated. I think they're assholes. But I'm not angry at them because I haven't missed a huge major life event or dealt with any trauma because of the rules. If I

had stuck to the rules during that, like a lot of people have, I would physically hate anybody that defends them with every fibre in my being. I would physically hate every person that got on Facebook and started trying to fucking stick up for them. I would mark their

name down and go, that person is fucking dead to us. At the minute, I just find them a bit cunty and like they're just backing that man through thick and thin. It's really just fucking shit. The whole argument would be like, he's just being human. You go, no, no, this is an elected official.

The point is, they have to be better than us. Aye. Set a fucking example and they have to be better than us. Aye. Like, set a fucking example, and they have to be fucking held accountable. That's the entire point of a government. Look at me, for an example, having a fucking pint in the park. I'm a retired clown.

If your livelihood was in my hands, fucking, but I believe I'd fucking be a role model. Aye, it's the best of us. Yeah, aye. It's a base fucking expectation from the cunts and em the whole thing the one thing people have stepped to the defence

this has riled me right is people have stepped to his defence right but like going oh what happened to be kind think about Caroline Flack look what happened to her right and I'm like no no Caroline Flack was an entertainer who owed you fucking nothing nada she owed you fuck all in her decisions didn't put your life at risk in your livelihood

in jeopardy um so these guys don't be kind to them be fucking angry at them and stand up to them obviously didn't fucking abuse them didn't like i like call them cunts but like didn't threaten them and all that stuff. You can't condone that, but absolutely be angry and different be cunt. No, no, I mean, at this point in time, I truly believe that whenever we're entering the very, very late stages of capitalism,

the only way for it to change is to drag the billionaires from their houses and guillotine them. I just chopped their heads off in the street. No, I'm not suggesting people do it. If you just take the Saudis and abide Newcastle. I'm not suggesting people do it. I'm not condoning that. I think that'll be the end of the world. But I'm just saying the only way we'll

ever beat this system globally across the world is to behead all the billionaires. It's capitalism, man. Got him. When the government officials are doing things for corporations over the human people, you've just got to guillotine everyone that's got the money and just

have another go. Give socialism a bash. They're being fucking found out, these cunts. They're getting found out how fucking out of touch they are, how fucking elitist they are, how much they've got one rule for them and another rule for us proles and uh i think i think like the fucking the world's gonna turn on them i'm

fucking chuffed it's them i'm glad another government didn't get in and had to fucking deal with this shit i'm chuffed like even though they're fucking dangerous in charge like you know when you look at the world's leaders and go oh there's fucking Donald Trump that Brazilian cunt the fucking Boris Johnson and his fucking weird mix you know

Michael Gove and fucking Jacob Rees-Morgan how the fuck are they you guys right and you look at that guy and these fucking pack of cunts

ruling the world and then you see this happening and you go haha fucking take that you bastard take that

but I don't think it's affecting them yeah like I just I genuinely don't think. But I don't think it's affecting them. I genuinely don't think they give a fucking shit. That's true. I mean, they're being found out. I promise you they'll win the next election. Do you think they're going to get away with it?

Do you think Donald Trump... Donald Trump's going to get away with everything he's done and the Tory government are going to get away with everything they've done and it's because of fucking, I mean we have this conversation every week, the media I love that as well the fucking, a lot of the Tories were turning on the media and calling the media

poisonous and all that and I was like you've noticed that now have you finally it doesn't suit your narrative finally the stuff you read in the media doesn't suit your fucking fanciful little narrative so you've decided now it's poisonous I remember at the start of the thought this

where we thought you know what maybe this is the one thing that will unite the left and the right maybe this is the big one thing because this is a global pandemic and it's affecting the entire fucking world maybe the light right and the left can across the

middle and shake each other's hands and then in America the right wing were like we're not wearing masks and you're like how have you made this a political issue how have you made health and safety a fucking political issue there's still very much a divide there's an ink coming in How have you made health and safety a fucking political issue?

Yes. There's still very much a divide. There's no coming out. Saying that, I think a lot of people that like... Because this is the thing. A lot of people went over to Tory because they didn't like Jeremy Corbyn because of the same media that they're not enjoying at the minute. I'd fucking painted them in a specific way that made them think he was a fucking threat to national security

and that he was a fucking terrorist sympathizer or whatever the fuck it was. And he was so shit that he couldn't deal with it. He's gone now. They don't need to be Tories anymore. They were Tories as a protest. So they're going to lose all them lot. They're going to lose all the people

that just fucking were like Tory tourists just to get rid of somebody that saws the fucking villain, the comic book villain no, because I'll just make whoever the next one is the villain, like it's just it's the Murdoch's and it's the fact that the news is owned by four people it's such a shame that it's a panto

it should be a fucking, it should be such a that's what I'm saying man, we drag them out of the houses and we guillotine them it's the only way, and again, not condoning That's what I'm saying, man. We drank them out of the houses and we guillotined them. Aye, that's still over. It's the only way, and again, not condoning it, not suggesting we do it,

I'm just telling you, it's the only way. I'm just demanding it. I'm leading the charge. But in regards to when you want to come up, genuinely, fucking whenever. None of it matters anymore. Fuck them.

Yeah, well, transport is an issue we don't have a car so it would have to be like a hire car situation if we're fucking boss I am going to let's give it

let's give it it's going to be a while before I feel comfortable getting in a hire car and coming up north I don't think the trains are adequate

yeah let's wait and see what the lockdown rules do we'll try and do it within the fucking realm of what's decent yeah but then also very importantly it's always important to let let the stupid people go first rules day we'll try and take it within the fucking realm of what's decent yeah but then also very

importantly it's always important to let let the stupid people go first let the you know the people that are out

there in the parks live in that life the ones that are breaking the rules already let them do it let them catch

the disease let them be the sacrifice to see how bad the second wave is then we'll go after that it went up to

day it was like 400 not a day from like being in the hundreds and I reckon that'll go after that it went up today it was like 400 not today up from like being in the hundreds and I reckon that'll be the knock on from VE day it'll be

why it's high now and there's probably going to be a little knock on from this bank holder weekend who knows

I got I got I got I got too high to write dad jokes so did you aye

I've got I've got a couple here that I could hit you with like but should I save them show us how to do to write dad jokes so you did yeah aye I've got a couple here that I could hit you with like but should I save them show us how you do one with food dad jokes I think we can aye

we can save it you disappeared there I think we can save it we'll save it I'll just do them on the next one sweet everyone can buy my shows

I'll just plug that you can buy my shows on my website kaihumphreys.com forward slash shop and you can get all three on my website kaihumphreys.com forward slash shop and you can get all three for £10 with the discount code

COVID19 I've also got a book about Daniel that is on Amazon go on to your Amazon shop and type in Kai Humphreys and that'll come up so

enjoy my words I may not be doing the day drinking on Friday I'll just generally see how I feel oh yeah so I'll be there

knitting if you want to still come and join the knitting sweet right so maybe see you on Friday

maybe see you then bye