Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 2. Home Schooling

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

A couple of holiday stories from Muggins reminiscing about the old world and Cream's blissful quarantine keeping his house human Ryan Cullen alive are some of the items discussed as the boys are joined by legend Mark Nelson who has recently become the new teacher for his two children. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Alright, go on, do a jingle. No. Not only do a jingle. When have I ever done a jingle? I just thought people need cheering up. Aye, but I don't understand why that's necessarily on me. What, to cheer them up? This seems to be going around a lot.

A lot of companies are approaching people of talent, a lot of production companies and websites and Instagram accounts being like, we've come up with this amazing idea. We've come up with this phenomenal idea. What we'd like is we'd like for Daniel Sloss to come up with an idea. We've come up with this phenomenal idea. What we'd like is we'd like for Daniel Sloss to come up with an idea.

It can be anywhere between 30 seconds long and 30 minutes long. Anything he wants to do, he gives it to us and we'll just put it out there on our channel that has less views and that'd be fucking great. Like, what do you think about our idea? And I'm like, I think it's shite

to be honest with you. And if you were going to come up with something, you'd just put it on your channel, where it gets a massive following, and it gets directly assigned? It's just because there's... I just, there's nothing, I find nothing more infuriating in the world

than somebody with no talent running up to someone with a lot of talent with a blank bit of paper and saying, make this funny so I don't lose my job. And it's like, fucking meet me halfway. I'll happily participate in anything. But don't fucking invite me round to your house,

point at an empty dinner table and go, what are you making? Like, fucking, you've got bare minimum, you have to buy ingredients for me right you have to give something to work with you don't get to just

turn up it's I find it it's so it's so right I keep getting asked for content of like good

of good friends and stuff as well like people are like hey I'm thinking about doing this and it's like I love that people are being productive

but it's they're not coming and asking us to do something they're asking us to do anything. Like, hey, do anything. And I'm like, oh, shit.

Like Matt Reid contacted us the other day. Hey, this is a good one, an example of a good one, how it should be done. He said, hey, Kai, I'm doing this thing where we're doing a short movie scene. You've just got to do a scene from a movie. It's obvious from a movie. It might get no longer than 20 seconds.

So I'd done a picture of me and Natalie, on the video of me and natalie on the balcony for five seconds with celine dion playing with her arms outstretched and then a five second video of me in the bath getting dunked under the water jurassic park jurassic park fucking see straight away without even seeing the video so so matt gets in touch with a bunch of people and then he's got this like he's done a few himself he's got this long bit of footage of comedians doing something but you come to us with a speck you know

aye it's when they come to you without it's when they come to you without a speck they just go can I have something aye I've been in a long phone conversation with Marlena today they just go, can I have something? Aye. Do you know, like, I've been in a long phone conversation

with Marlena today, because she's just, everyone's freaking out, because obviously this is unprecedented, we've never done this before, and she's like, you need to be working. I was like, I don't think I do. Like, I really don't think I do need to be, like, we've all been specifically told not

to do our fucking jobs now I know people are like oh but you should use this time wisely I personally don't see anything wiser than relaxing like it's a fucking stressful time none of us know what's going on just chill the fuck out

it's terrifying just chill the fuck out I don't want to I'm being pushed to fucking like as if as if like she's acting she's acting as if the reason i've never written a sitcom before is because i didn't have the time not i can't be fucking arsed now that i've suddenly got all this time she's like oh maybe he'll be arsed i'm like no no no now i'm just not arsed for longer now i've actually got more time to not give a fuck or have any inclination to do that thing. I love my one job, which is

stand-up. And it'll be there when I get back. I just might have to reduce prices a little bit. We're just going to have to hang in there for a while. There's going to be some casualties of war. There's going to be some comedians that don't make it to the other side. But we've just got to hang on to the ship

and make sure we're still on it when it comes back to still our waters, you know? Yeah, so I've decided, because I was going to, everyone's putting out these kind of forced videos and some of them are great, like Mark Nelson's one with his kid. It's almost like a sequel to News at Three

where he does homeschooling with his kid like it's almost like a sequel to news at three where he does homeschooling with his with his youngest class elliot steel's got the one where he does muay thai lessons and like with a funny twist in the class but um they're like the cream of a massive crop of shit and you don't want to be in the shit bit you didn't want to be forcing a bit of material a bit of content to try and stay relevant for the flop so um you're unaware of what we're doing right now no this is what i'm going to get into i just want to i just want to press record and instead of forcing a bit of material just um give a bit of window of like authenticity that's why um i started doing the instagram videos with a knitting and I can get people on like a chat show, because I don't want to fucking be editing for three hours

and then feeling nervous when I fucking press send. And then fucking get nothing. You're not getting paid for it or no. You're not getting anybody's asking for it. Like, people are just like, you're forcing your work upon people. You didn't, I don't know my opinion's changed I think people have

I think a lot of performers have really really underestimated how much good shit is on Netflix, Disney Plus Amazon and combined they're just saying people are starved for content I'm like no they're not like if they've got 30 quid a month

they're absolutely not like man Disney Disney Plus came out yesterday you can watch all of the Marvel movies in any order you fucking want and you think people want to take time out of their day to watch me bake a fucking pancake for 15 minutes on Instagram

live I mean, they probably would, actually. That's a bad example. You know what? The podcast stuff and the Instagram Live stuff, it sounds dumb, but you're keeping people company. People are isolated. We're keeping people company now.

We're not entertaining them the way Iron Man might entertain them or the way a Netflix documentary is going to educate them. They're not getting that, but they're getting a bit of company. And that's why I think I'm going to lean more towards doing that sort of stuff, like the Insta Lives, the podcasts, the cameos. I'm not going to try and entertain someone with an edited bit of homemade video, unless I'm inspired.

If it happens organically, I'll patch something together. If I think there's something funny I'll do it but I'm not going to force myself a fucking 3 hour 4 hour edit for something that who gives a fuck nobody gives a shit the only thing I'm doing is

day drinking with Daniel every Friday at 12 or half 12 when are you doing Friday? I wish Every Friday at around 12.30. When are you doing Friday? I wish. Aye, 12.30. You're competing with me knitting on Friday.

No, I've got to fucking bring this up with you. Oink, oink. Oh, shit. I'll beat that out. Hold on. That must be the first time I've ever said Piggy's name. Yes. 7.30 7 minutes

go on carry on Ray a bit so Piggy was Piggy was saying because she watched your netting thing yesterday she was saying that your one was to compete with my time because I did day drinking with Dan

on Friday this Friday and it was at half twelve and I said to them I'd be back next Friday at half twelve so it's you that stepped onto my time actually

wow can you not can you not take it right can we not stagger them like they're now over

down with the weather you can follow on the end of mine if you want and then I'll come and guest on yours what do you mean follow on the end of mine if you want and then i'll come and guest on yours what do you mean follow on the end of mine yours is right in the middle of mine i fucking said 12 i said 12 30 first i said it on friday before your knitting thing was even a bloody thing and you've got two days of the week right we need to figure this out i mean you've got two days of the week. Right. We need to figure this out.

I mean, you've probably told more people because you've got more reach. So I'll do it after your day drinking. How long do you do it for? Just half an hour. Right. I'll come and day drink with you tomorrow. Friday. Tomorrow, if you listen to the podcast on Thursday.

I'll come day drink on Friday and then I'll follow it straight up with drunk knitting. So for people turning up at 12 o'clock for me tomorrow, people are going to be camping out outside the phone for 12 o'clock to be front of the queue. Oh, I queued up. Hello, look who it is. Hello. Hello, Mark Nelson. Oh, hello, gorgeous.

Ladies and gentlemen of the podcast, we've got Mark Nelson. Oh, he's dead off an iPhone as well, laddie da. So, just for the rest of this Skype, I want to see if I can just do a split screen. I think I've got to choose between you on the screen. Just what an easy choice. Aye.

I've chose Mark. I know this is ridiculously bad podcast content because they're not getting the footage. I just don't know.

Aye. So this is Mark Nelson, the very handsome Mark Nelson that we've got jumping on to the podcast this week. How are you doing in quarantine, Mark?

I'm enjoying it, man. How are you doing? I'm fucking loving it, man. Man, I'm replaying Horizon Zero Dawn, which is like an old PlayStation, well, not an old game, but a game I played two years ago, and I'm just smoking weed all day. This is the greatest time of my life. I realised because I was clearing out the

garage yesterday I realised I've got an Xbox and a PS2 sitting there and I'm slowly trying to sneak them into my house so anyone fucking

notices are your kids not old enough for the computer games yet yeah they probably are but I don't really want them

to play it to be honest I just want to play it myself no fair that's fair. You're worried that they'll grow up to murder prostitutes. I'm pretty sure from Glasgow they'll be doing that anyway.

To be fair, they didn't learn that from a computer game. They learned that from watching their dad. Probably stand-up. I used to get Christmas presents of computer games and they would be already completed on the memory card because my dad had played them on the build up to Christmas

Kai? yeah does anybody make this louder? I can't hardly hear you're quite quiet on it as well, mate because I'm trying to move the iPad that you're coming through closer to the mic but the balance is off

Danny's a bit louder than you I'll pause the podcast just while we get the levels set So Mark Nelson just went to get his headphones and I was left there looking at a blank screen on the Skype thing and I just heard his kids screaming and then he came back with headphones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One of them was going to fucking murder the other one. There was your kid using the headphones and you just wrenched them off him. Horrible bastard. So, hi Mark. What's it like being at home with kids in the house? It's weird, man. We just try to get a routine on the go where I've got to teach them basically every day. So we do Joe Wicks every morning at 9am.

Are you doing seven days of school? All right. Yeah, he does a PE class every day at 9am. Are you doing seven days of school? All right. Yeah, he does a PE class every day at 9am. And it's fucking brutal. It is absolutely brutal. I thought it would be like a kids kind of running about thing, but he does proper high-intensity shit. Yeah, it's good.

I've been doing that with Natalie. Is it aimed at kids, the PE one? That's what I thought. I mean, it's called PE with Joe. So I thought it'd be a piece of piss, but no, it's brutal. I've been teaching Natalie Muay Thai. How does it, if it's all... Go on, Danny.

Sorry, if it's all online and it's all over video chat like this, my question is, how does he molest you during it? He sends you stuff in the post. Oh, and you just have to touch yourself with those? He sends you a rubber cast of his hand, and then you need to basically stick it down your own pants. Correct your own posture. He's thought of everything, Mike.

The guy's a fucking pro. Bye. He's not on Everton, mate. He's a fucking pro. Them PTs that work in the gyms, that, like, you know, every time I go to the gym, I'll see a PT just, like, shadowing a lassie

from the gym, correcting their posture. You had leg exercises with them that you haven't seen before. I feel for them because they're going to have an empty wag bank. The real victims. the real victims the real victims

what's things like in London Kai well I was out in the park having a workout yesterday one of the Joe Wicks ones we were just putting it on the iPhone because it's essentially

what back garden the balcony just looks out onto the park so step out of that and there was just a group of kids about like nine kids fun fighting and playing tag iPhone, because it's essentially what back garden, the balcony just looks out onto the park, so step out of that. And there was just a group of kids, about nine kids, fun fighting and playing tag, maybe 12, 13 years old.

It just looked like they were having a belt of time, but I couldn't help but shake my head and go, well, they're just going to... Their family members are going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's not going to work unless everybody does it you know otherwise it's just going to go on forever

this might be how the youth take over like because like last Friday when I was walking about Glasgow there was just gangs, gangs of fucking school kids just all hanging about and it felt like the Warriors or some shit like that dragging their baseball bat along the floor yeah that's how they're gonna take over the world come out and play it didn't feel eerie though it felt well eerie in the park it's like what's weird in london is you know nobody talks to each

other and that's normal you don't let on anybody it's like all of a sudden everybody's got something in common so you want to let on to people but It's like all of a sudden everybody's got something in common. So you want to let on to people, but this is the one time when you can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you want to just go up to the stranger and go, mad this, eh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you kind of dare. So everybody's just like weirdly, it's an uncomfortable silence between strangers now when you pass each other.

Rather than just that comfortable, just like, look, we're existing, we're going to coexist, head down, don't mention each other. It's an awkward silence out strangers now when you pass each other? Rather than just that comfortable, just like, look, we're existing, we're going to coexist, head down, don't mention each other. It's an awkward silence out there now. Aye, aye, aye, aye. And how's things at your place, Danny? Fucking good. I mean, Colin might die at any moment. That's normally the case.

Aye. that's normally the case you just make a fucking blow out your candles too hard you'll break a couple of his fucking ribs I'm just really getting into being a lazy cunt man I'm taking this as the fucking you know the gift that it is I'm fucking living with a Playstation 4 a whole bunch of fucking weeds the fucking, you know, the gift that it is. I'm fucking living with a PlayStation 4,

a whole bunch of fucking weeds, and I've got nothing to do. I've got, like, a tiny little bit of work that I can sort of bleed to myself or ration over the next couple of days so I feel fucking useful. But mainly just doing what I've been wanting to do for eight years.

Like, up until this point, I would still argue that this disease has been designed by me. It's getting the pensioners, it's getting the Spanish, and it's getting the Italians. See how people are advised to get food deliveries and Colin only lives on rodents

how the fuck is he getting his food he sends the cat out he eats his scraps, he scavenges after the cat I saw him with his eyeball I pressed the button on my board last time i was around the other day me and piggy uh woke up uh to cullen lying beside us in bed and we thought it was just because he was like scared of the dark or something but no after doing some research online we found out that was his way of measuring his body next to our body to see if he can fully dance you'll wake up

one morning there'll just be a oink oink shape inside Colin and then she'll he's paper thin as well Colin she'll just

tear out of him and go oh no Kai yeah also Nelson we don't say her name on this

it's Piggy oh sorry sorry what number was that 17 minutes no no you're good we'll just we'll blur it out

go go alright yeah so I'm is he sorry he's on quarantine

but you're on isolation I guess you're on lockdown now but you know you're allowed to go into the shops every time you go back to the shops they look at you like you're on isolation. I guess you're on lockdown now, but you know, you're allowed to go into the shops. Every time you go back to the shops,

they look at you like you've got a murder room. Aye. Like, it's a bit like, it's, like, you know that scene

of Jurassic Park, right, where they lower down the goat into, like, the, into the pit

and then it comes out and the cage is all destroyed and there's screams and all that. We do that but with like potato smileys. You've got a culling paddock. You just see him open a door and just go, clever girl. You should get a little hatch

on the bottom of his bedroom door like a Boliv delivery jail cell. And just kick his gruel under. And then he'll send back a bowl with his poo in, but it's just like a tiny little rabid dottle. Like, you know, the little bowls, the little bead poos. What I was going to say, you've had Disney Plus for a while haven't you

It only came out yesterday Danny have you had it in America Yeah yeah Because I was out in the States I ordered it while in the States So I managed to consume half of it while out there It's unbelievable It's so good Jesus Christ

It's one of those moments it's one of those moments where you just have to applaud capitalism you're like everything about this is evil to its core oh god yeah yum yum yum

it's got the it's got the 90s X-Men series aye man it's fucking amazing yeah yeah it's so good

it's so good so yeah I set it up I set it up this afternoon I'm well looking forward to just getting through it all I've watched Mandalorian is yeah yeah yeah yeah

great I watched Iron Man with Natalie last night because she's never seen any of the Marvel movies so this is like brand new to her like

oh yeah because Gareth's doing that as well he's watching them all from the start because he's hardly seen any of them either yeah oh man

I'm totally stoked for people that are just starting it now like that's belter for people that are getting into it I had no idea Jeff Bridges

was the bad guy in Iron Man yeah yeah yeah we're doing the same thing but we're doing it in order we're doing it in chronological order

so not the year they came out but the year that may happen ah nice so we started with last night it was uh captain america the first adventure and then tonight is yeah and then the next one is marvel no marvel's after ah see you see there's a couple not on there the spider-man

i guess that's the sony right hulk's on, but apparently that's just the hardcore. Like, apparently the Hulk one wasn't that good. I think it's Universal on the Hulk one. It's a piece of shit anyway. And it wasn't Ruffalo, was it? Was it Ed Norton? It's Ed Norton, yeah. And there was the Eric Bana one before that. Yeah, the really weepy one.

That was a different universe, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, I started watching the Jeff Gold, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also I started watching the Jeff Goldblum documentary. It's pretty good. Oh, and the National Geographic thing? Is it good?

He's super awkward, that guy. He doesn't look awkward, but he makes people feel awkward. Awkward hugs and hold handshakes for too long. And it's like he's getting some weird kick out of making people feel weird. Oh, nice. So what does he do?

Does he interview people? He goes into the world of ice cream or denim or tattoos, and he'll get into the subcultures that surround them. All right. So it's really like a low-stakes documentary, but it's fucking great, though. It's really well done. So like a Louis Cerebe with shit that doesn't really matter?

Aye, it doesn't patronise attitudes. Hmm. It's a lot of a lighter feel, you know, a lot more Disney. Aye. I take it they're just going to keep making new shit for it. Look at how hefty it is. At the minute, the main stuff's expirable. You could watch all of the blockbuster movies and Pixar stuff

by the summer in quarantine. So they're going to have to buy up some shit they put on the back catalogue. Aye. Otherwise, they're just going to be left trying to catch up with The Simpsons and watching old Steamboat Willie cartoons. Do you reckon all the old racist shit's on there? We should try and find out. The real reason Mark spent 50 quid.

Because some of that early stuff is proper fucking... Well, they did that very good thing where they got but apparently I think they would be on there because they got that video of Whoopi Goldberg basically before all those old school ones basically said look these are absolutely fucking racist and when they were made they were racist

but we're not going to censor them because we think censoring them would be deleting the history of it which was actually you know for a company based on founded on hating the jews it was very progressive of them yeah doesn't he hate the jews walt disney absolutely hates the jews and i based that off of one episode of family guys so it must be true i thought you was jewish no what does he was out he Walt Disney was anti-Semitic let me google this

I always thought Walt Disney was a a Jew nah Nazi I love the fact that it's either one or the two there's two camps pardon the pun hold on

apparently it says straight up that it's absolutely not true. So what I did was, apparently to make the Jews, well, I mean, maybe they paid for all these pieces. I'm not sure, because what was the racist claims?

Was it the woman who used to, you only see her legs? Or was that Tom and Jerry? That's Tom and Jerry yeah there's a big I think it's in Dumbo I think it's the crows

are pretty racist oh yeah I think the new Dumbo's on there as well I wonder there's probably they wouldn't have redone it with racist crows

would they the new I hope not we're not going to delete the history but we are going to reinforce it with a 2019 version of the same racism.

Disney plus racism, that's what it's short for. It's Disney plus racism. Disney plus racism equals party time. Actually, everything they've got on there now is just absolutely updated. So The Simpsons is on there too but now people are being racist towards them

because they're yellow. Did I ever tell you about when me and Elliot Steele were abusive to the guy in Loughborough because of a misunderstanding? No. He was dressed up in top hat and tails and everything right and we asked him

if he had a show off that was just his gob and he said he was at a show called Dixies, we're like what's Dixies and he went you know like Disney's but with dicks right I was like never have I been watching Aladdin and thought you know what this needs more cock and we just started

slagging him and just going that's why they call that Aladdin. Aladdin, my bad. So, we started doing little parodies of fucking the jungle cock and all that,

like, just whatever, we're just coming up with, like, different narratives of Disney movies but with dicks in and all that, right?

And then, and then we saw his poster later on in the Fringe, like, a week after I would roast him, and he just meant the spelling. It was just a cabaret show I had an out-of-date with Disney. He was just innocently telling me how he spelt his show title. So you're just yelling Lady and the Coke at him?

Pretty much. It's just fucking roasting this poor bloke in top hat and tails with a cabaret show it's been two podcasts

you were supposed to tell us the story of your holly bobs your hollandaise sauce oh I'd say it was kind of good I had two

I had so the first one Mark he loved this because you're because you're a fucking shark enthusiast

but we went out on this canoe trip like a trail looking for wildlife out at sea and we're a humpback whale breached

not a humpback whale it was like a silver something silverback whale it was a silver the breed of breed of it was a silver something. It come up. It was quite far away, but it felt really close because it's the size of a fucking double-decker bus.

We're just really enjoying this spectacle. It fucking sprays its mist up in the air and makes a noise and goes back under. We're watching the area where it was for it to come back up. This is in South Africa, off Cape Town with Natalie. A shark's fin fucking pops up the whole team start fucking going towards the shark's fin like rowing up to it and it's coming towards us and it like guns under the canoes and shit like

that like the shark's fin disappears me fucking heart's racing like and natalie's terrified for her life and then it uh it emerged up in front of us and i stopped rowing and natalie kept rowing and i was like oh stop stop we'll get it we'll get a good look at it and she kept rowing like just to go over the top of it dinked it with a canoe and the fucking shark like just kind of keeled over and just showed its like belly like it had like a white underside it just floated off i was like i think you killed it forget what you've heard fucking sharks

I'll put you on pussies a terrible end at the jaws that would have been they wouldn't have the advantage to punch them on the nose they've got glass jaws

what kind of shark was it do you know turns out it was called a sunfish, which isn't quite a shark, so I had all the experience without the bragging rights. Google sunfish, it's like the head of a shark with a shark's fin,

but they just haven't got the long body. With the body of a lady. Oh my God. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Can everyone please Google this and see how much of a shark this doesn't fucking look like? It's not a fucking fin. But I'll never... Now what?

You pitching that story as I saw a shark has now just changed to I don't know fish. It's now just changed to I don't know fish Please fucking Google sunfish And tell me you're a shark enthusiast How much is sunfish I don't think I can do it Can I do it while I'm on this On your phone

I suppose it's the mouth that's the giveaway It looks like it's got the fin of a shark And the body of a shark But the mouth of just a Zoolander you wouldn't want to fall in with it but it wouldn't be able to rip it to shreds guy guy like one of the fourth images on google is of this thing being eaten by a seal. If you're picturing it, that's a great white shark. Aye, but I'm actually...

It's in the bottom of Natalie's thing. It's fucking edible. Have you seen the one next to the man where the man's about a fucking fraction of the size? I had that, mate. Aye, and it's dead on the beach. Look, listen, it wasn't until I got out of the water

that I got told that it was a sunfish. Right? So I had the experience of seeing a shark, okay? That's like saying, I came to a porn of this porn star, therefore I came in time, I had sex with a porn star. Yeah.

Pretty flawed logic. So anyway, my next day... Yeah, I came listening to a porno, turns out it was my mum and dad. Out in the other room. That's not social distancing, man. So here's my next animal encounter that you're not going to believe now.

I saw a lion, right? It jumped out of the forest and started attacking Nali. It wasn't a lion. Afterwards, I was informed that it was a koala bear and it was dead and it had fallen off the tree. You've heard it. Now, we went to a national park in, I would say, Stellenbosch in South Africa.

And pretty much you get dropped off and then you pay to get in. And there's a bunch of different trails, but it's shite because there's a four-kilometer road, bumpy road before the trails start. And I think you're meant to come in with your car, drive all the way up, ditch your car because there's a big car park,

and then go off on the trails. So we walked four kilometers in the baking sun. And the lasses were absolutely fucking knackered by the time we got there so we only were out on the trail for about a kilometer saw like a little waterfall in that turns out it wasn't a waterfall it was just a puddle that's a guy taking a piss so we started walking back so we had another 4km to walk back we'd ran out of water and a cat called an Uber

and says look just pay to get in as if you're using the national park come down and get one we'll pay you the money for what it took you to get in so you come down and got one we'd walked another 3km to drive and as of Gotway, so we had another three kilometres to drive. And as we're driving,

he reaches across me, fucking starts winding my window up and tells the girls in the back to wind their window up. He's probably panicked. There's a fucking baboon with its arse hanging out, just walking up the,

up the country track. And, behind, like, further behind it, there was a couple, like, the mother with a baby on its back,

like a baby baboon on its back, not a baby. And back like a baby baboon on its back not a baby and I just I just did like you know if I hadn't gotten the Uber and would just walk back I don't think I had

an illness to protect them if the baboon started shit like I didn't know that was an option to bump into that sort of fucking fauna anyway it was a badger.

Do you not reckon you can take a baboon? What? Do you not reckon you can take a baboon? Nah. Nah, definitely not. Nah, they're doing pretty hard, I reckon. Aye, it looked really robust, mate. It looked like...

It looked really thick set. You know? It was just fucking pretty alpha you know it was just it had a lot going on a lot of like I think

if that went for us I would have just curled up my ball see if you're walking about in your arse if you're walking about in your arse it's red raw

and you're not even bothered then you're pretty solid you're like your arse is fucking on fire mate gives a shit You would love something like that Antigua like

Antigua was a fucking That one where Natalie and Cat and Woodsy It was all nice activities And wine drinking It was built up But where Gan was sopped to Antigua That was more dangerous than the

the sunfish encounter I'll tell you that so because he's he's like squatty right he's I don't know if we've mentioned Soppet before

on the fucking podcast but the cunt's got fucking PTSD to the point that if like if fireworks going off he's under the fucking he's under the dinner table like a dog on fireworks night

erm he's a fucking he's He's under the fucking... He's under the dinner table like a dog on fireworks night. He's a fucking... His fuse is so short, man. He nearly battered the bin man. Aye, he almost battered the bin man in fucking Hawaii as well. Aye, we're hungover in bed about fucking six in the morning. You can hear a bottle smashing

where the bin man's fucking filling the thing out. He didn't even, like, he didn't even... You know, normally you'd go, fucking hell, is that guy, what a twat, and you'd have a whinge about it first. He's just straight through the fucking door,

and you can hear him threatening cunts with their lives. So I just, on an all-inclusive resort. Jesus, guys. All-inclusive resort with that cunt on a leash all week. It was Belter. But on the way there, we're on a Virgin flight. It seems like another world now. We just got on a flight. We're on a virgin flight it seems like another world now we just got on a flight

we're on a flight full of people we were getting doubles every time they come down but every time they were serving people one of us would duck off behind them and then shoplift you know the cabins well the vodkas and wines

and all that in we'd go shoplifting so it was free so we were cunted by the time we got there he was there for a squaddy's wedding I'll add in. We'd gone shoplifting, sort of, so we were cunted by the time we got there. And he was there for a squaddy's wedding. Oh, this is about,

this is what he, what he done. We're there for a squaddy's wedding, right, the fucking groom's there and he stuck his finger up his arse, his own arse

and then held out the pint for the groom and went, here mate, does my pint smell like shit? And just held his finger right next to the rim of the glass.

So the lad leans in and fucking took a whiff and he just like, because it's the venue where he had his wedding and he fucking started kicking off at the bloke. I've got the video,

I'll show you the video. He started going, Dennis! Shouting at the bloke who owned it and went and stopped battering the venue owner. But I was...

Here's another one. So I didn't know the lad that was getting married. I was just there, so it's plus one. So he'd basically invited me to the holiday, but not to the wedding. But we ended up fucking dominating this resort where we just learned everybody's name around the place we're fucking kings of the playground and uh i ended up like

making friends with a few of the guests so he invited us to the evening do but i was i couldn't get to the day i didn't know any of them there's only 30 of them i couldn't get to the daytime and just fucking sit there and have a meal and um i had a shave before i went i'd just been day drinking they'd been at the wedding all day and i didn't want to be playing catch up so i just tanned the old inclusive bar and I hands up and I fucking shaved my beard off right I've got this beard clip as I put it doing like 1.4mm shaved my

face and then I had you know Danny you know how I get really long eyebrows they annoy you you kept plucking little bits of my eyebrow out I'll fucking I'll week he's just been plucking my eyebrow in the fucking knacks, and I see these long, tufty eyebrows,

and the meat in the middle of that, and I got me beer clippers, drunk as fuck, and I didn't change the setting, and I fucking took them right across my eyebrows, and fucking took my eyebrows off, I turned up at this lad's wedding,

right, fucking didn't have any cunt, and then, like, apart from that week, when I'd met them, I'd fucking turn up with no eyebrows. I got straight up to the lassie

who was doing the bride's makeup. I go, can you put some fucking eyebrows on us, please? And the cunt didn't even use any of the makeup. She just went and got one of the felt-tip pens from the kids' colouring-in station. Fucking drew a pair of green eyebrows on us and there was one

of the lads there who fucking his feet had blown up like you know when your feet inflate over the course of the flight and they hadn't went back to doing it because his son burnt them so he just had these massive fuck off feet so I just took the piss out of him out of there and we were going out on the paddle o you know when you stand up and

use the paddle is that called a paddle o? I don't know what it's called Picking the piss out of him. I'll dig on him. We will go and do it on the paddle-o. You know, when you stand up and use the paddle. Is that called a paddle-o? What is it called? Paddle board. Paddle board, yeah. Fucking, he was there. I'm sorry, you just called it a paddle-o.

Like a pun on the word pedal-o. I thought that's what it was called. Paddle board. So I'm just going, fuck off, mate. Why are you paying for a paddle board? Just get it on your feet. So we're just tanning him fucking all week with his fucking piss take. And then I thought it would be funny to take the, where they had the meal. I went and untied the cushions from the seats and I fucking put the cushions on me feet.

And I just ran up to him on the dance floor and started like flapping my feet around, right? And then the moment dawned on us like where I was like I didn't know any of these people I'm in that wedding in Antigua I'm flapping around with the fucking

cushions on my feet with my fucking eyebrows drawn on my fucking markup in what the fuck am I doing with my life you know what you know Cameron Diaz's

brother in something about Mary like the retard guy they must have thought that like Sopitz brought his brother I thought it probably was went too well though I didn't feel like I was losing the room at any point it's just such a difference now

when you're going away with your lass it's just like making sure you've got suntan lotion on and shit and fucking looking after you and making sure we get places on time. Like, it's like something

not only doesn't care about us but actively wants us to burn. Like, you come and get us out the shade and go, no, fuck you. In fact,

like on the last day, right, I'd left out like a clean set of travel clothes and I put them on when the pool, like, so we checked out,

we had another few hours by the pool and I get showered there and I put all my clothes on and I put them on around the pool so we checked out we had another few hours by the pool and I get showered there and I put all my clothes on and I'm fucking there ready to go to the airport the cunt just dives and fucking chucks us in the pool

straight away while I'm eating my own I'm a fucking 36 year old man man what the fuck am I doing with my life did you did you

did you do a shot of competition as well did you say I was fucking nearly killed each other we went toe to toe for shots because it was um it was just like around the pool quiz it started off right where um they'd ask a question and everybody would answer and the people that were wrong they'd give a shot to and um and we're not very intelligent turns out so we started taking shots every time

we should count these because this is going to get fucked up. So we're counting them. As soon as we hit about five, we're like, let's keep an eye on these. And then what happened is people who were getting given shots for getting the answer wrong were giving them to us

because they didn't want to do them. And us being fucking toxic masculinity lads, lads, lads were taking their shots and that's what we ended up having. It got to a point where we'd had 18 each and we had two shots left and then we went

right let's have these and fucking call it we're fucked and this is in the space of about 45 minutes so I took my two shots and then just because I'm a cock took one of soppits

and went I win so he got he got his shot and then fucking went running like mind sweeping people's shots

that had been left behind to fucking catch back up and then and then I had another one when he caught back up and he had another one and we just fucking passed dude pretty much

we just fell asleep it was about six in the day and we woke up again about half past ten got back on it Jesus was it mostly was it mostly Americans

in the resort? it was weird because it was, the resort was, clearly in Britain it was pitched to Brexit gammon. Like proper Brexit. It was fucking,

you know what as well, talking to them. Salt of the earth, nice people, just fucking ideologies. Fuck. And there was one point where he was like

a fucking dog in heat, but man, he's always fucking running around looking for someone to sniff at, and he saw these three lasses sat around the pool, because we're looking around the resort, and I was like,

mate, you've brought one of the fucking old pupils over here, you're on a note, like I met a bet with him, I was like, I bet he'll fucking sleep with a 50 year old

by the end of this holiday, it was like, if he's going to go home with something, it's going to be 50, and he saw these lasses that must have been in their 40s sat by the pool, right, it's was like, if he's going to go home with something, it's going to be 50. He saw these lasses that must have been in the forties sat by the pool, right? It's at night

because we'd arrived at night. We're still fucked from the flight. Like absolutely hammered. And he went, I'm going to attack these lasses. And I went, I'm going to spy on you from this bush.

And I just fucking crouched down in a bush. I got in a bush, right? And I just fucking crouched down. Well, he goes and pops his legs in the water next to these two lasses.

And this lass come up to us this woman she must have been about like late 40s called Karen and she just went

are you looking for something there son and I was like no no I'm just spying on these and I pointed

out from the bush and uh I got I got talking to her and um she asked if I was Scottish

and then when I said no started proper slagging Scotland off with a flick as if she went oh he's not Scottish she started going can you believe that there's Scottish members of parliament

when there's a Scottish parliament and there's no English members of parliament in the English parliament and I fucking stood up off the bush and I was like fucking listen here Karen and I started lecturing her the bush and I was like, fucking listen here, Karen. And I started lecturing her on politics.

And fucking... Who the fuck? Who the fuck has this been? Karen? I fucking had your back, mate. I was like, it's been... I'm fucking... If Karen has any fucking coronavirus, I'll kill the count. Oh, it's gonna get her then. If Sunburn didn't get

her first. Fucking racist bitch. She was a racist bitch and then um and then she just uh like after we've settled the debate on fucking scottish parliament when i was like it's not english parliament it's british parliament so there's fucking politicians in from all over britain like what is this english parliament that you're talking about so fucking i'm having this out of her and then she went anyway we've got my blue passport back i was like fucking karen jesus christ people care about the color of the passport do you think that's gonna happen with us do you think um we're gonna be in 50 years time we're

gonna be there again um we've got my purple passport back and all the youngins are gone why are you dragging us into this fucking mess no because i can't like see if you'd asked me what color my passport was before any of this, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. No, you didn't know what colour your passport was.

No, but listen, it's just like one of those things that you hand over. It's not like it's nothing I've ever placed any value on at all. Like what colour jumper was I wearing

when I was last two drinking waves? You'd never be able to draw it from your memory. Aye, aye. So anyway, I had this political fucking debate when I was last two drinking ways you'd never be able to draw it from your memory aye aye so anyway fucking I had this political fucking

debate with Karen ended up fucking drinking at the bar with her old couple called fuck what were they called again it was

oh shit Joanne and Gary so I was chatting to them aye of course it was aye and I ended up fucking the bar closed I put myself to bed right Aye, of course it was. Aye. And I ended up fucking the bar closed.

I put myself to bed, right? And then fucking the door burst open. It was fucking two o'clock in the morning, three o'clock in the morning. So I put my hands there. So I put my hands, Kai, I'm coming bites. And I got my leg out.

I was like, aye, me and Ala left the fucking balcony open having a smoke. I got fucking bite marks off mosquitoes, Ala, over my leg. And he went, no, no, man, off people. For fuck's sake sake and this lassie who he'd been with had fucking been

biting him and they'd been shagging him and I'd put bite marks all over his shoulder anyway you'll be chuffed if I read that story

what are you pointing at are the pictures all grainy are you pointing at your phone I picture's all grainy you're pointing at your phone I was just asking if we should go go on to your dad jokes

I've got to start making dinner soon because it's my turn to cook in this quarantine isn't it he's on a roster well it's just we've you know

we've got to we've got to spice things up as much as you can so we're doing it like because we don't want to because we also don't want to buy too much from fucking shops we're just doing like group also don't want to buy too much from fucking shops

we're just doing like group fucking meals just because it's so much easier that way so it's my turn to cook and it's my turn to cook and it's Piggy's turn to eat what are you making tonight Danny? just chicken

satay and rice just chicken satay and rice just chicken satay and rice it's actually my own recipe as well Mark what makes it special peanut butter I can't tell you that

it's good actually whenever your brain jumped to first, correct a thousand times correct you told me that Danny and I've made some adaptations on it, it's good Whenever your brain jumped to first, correct a thousand times correct. Because you taught me that, Danny, and I've made some adaptations on it. It's good. Put a bit of red Thai curry paste in with it. How fucking dare you?

What? It's not the person that makes it. It's the person that perfects it. You're the MySpace to my Facebook. Facebook so basically we're going to have to come up with a better

way of doing this conference we're using the meeting what's it called Google Hangouts Google Hangouts

we'll try Zoom next week because we've got like a one second delay and it just sounds like we've got no chemistry I mean that's true as well

what's our excuse going to be next week? I assume we've got a delay as well we're going to be able to keep up this facade until we're in person so have you got anything to plug, Mark? Can I plug something for you? Can everybody go on Mark's social media handles? Is it at Mark Nelson?

Yeah, at Mark Nelson Comic. At Mark Nelson Comic, he's started a feature called Homeschooling, where if you've seen his News at Three, you'll fucking love this because it's his youngest kid, he's teaching him some valuable lessons in life that perhaps not on the curriculum and uh the short videos that belt i'm loving them thanks man thank you is there anything else you want to direct people do

uh not really i think we'll be doing another uh life from the stand this saturday oh great but not like brilliant we're're not because of the rules we're not allowed to be in the club so we're currently trying to work out a way where I can do it

from an office and other comics do stuff as well so we've not fully worked out the details yet but it should be happening yeah so you're going

to do it from isolation rather than yeah we're not allowed to be we're not allowed to be in the same room as each other anymore but we're going to

try and find a way to do it. Maybe pre-record it and then play it live? Aye, that's one of the options we're having and then

just stick it out at half past eight, but the technical guys are all over it. Right, so if they subscribe, if the listeners subscribe

to the Stand Comedy Club YouTube channel, it's going to be on at 8.30. It'll definitely be on 8.30. It's going to be on at 8.30. It'll definitely be on 8.30 on Saturday, yeah. And if they missed the one you did last week and they watched that, because that was brilliant.

I think it's down. I think they've taken it down now, but they are going to be releasing everybody's sets from it. Great. And putting them out. And Daniel, you're going to do day drinking on Friday at 12.30? I don't know. and Daniel you're going to do day drinking on Friday at 12.30 aye right so I'll come and watch you day drinking

and then as soon as you're finished I'll do the knitting aye sweet also you can buy my shows on my website www.kaihumphries.com you can buy all three of them with the discount code COVID19. Nice, nice.

And thanks to everybody that's bought them already. Thank you. You've fed my wife. All right. Kai, your dad says coronavirus is like homosexuality in that if you have it, you can tell who else has it. Also, he has it hard and gave it to your brother and sister. Mark, your dad was mortified.

Fuck's sake, I wrote this thing wrong. Your dad was mortified because your mum turned up in the exact same wedding dress as him. Daddy, your dad is using social distancing as the reason why your mum kicked him out of the house. distancing as the reason why your mum kicked him out of the house. Mark, your dad spends all day singing COVID-19 to the tune of Come On Eileen.

COVID-19. COVID-19. Daddy, you could go viral with that. Changing the words to stuff is what the people want Danny your dad said he was going to learn an instrument on lockdown and so far he's just been sat there for

10 days rattling spoons off his leg Guy your dad claims he caught COVID-19 when he ate a bat and actually all he did was suck off a Chinese boy in a park fucking hell boy Kai your dad wipes his arse with his foot

and then just wipes his foot and then wipes his arse with his foot. And then just wipes his foot on the doormat. Danny, your dad's using this time to catch up on Coronation Street from episode one. you'd have to do the same with the news I forgot we had to do this I don't think I've got any more you guys keep going if I've got one if I can think of one, I'll chat. Oh, great. My turn then.

Mark, your dad lost in the final of the World Scrabble Championship after he was found with tiles hidden up his sleeves. Judges became suspicious after he played the N- word seven times in one game. Danny, you're... I want Mark's laughter as my ringtone. Danny Danny your dad saw all that stuff last year about Prince Andrew and said

well if they're old enough to bleed they're old enough to butcher that delay just sounded like deathly silence you bombed on there Kai your dad was the voice of the Danone advert

oh the Danone see it doesn't fall too far from the tree it's like father like son where did Mark go I made him laugh to death. Aye, Mark just ghosted one just then.

Fucking kid snatched his headphones back. He's getting battered. He's getting absolutely battered off his young'un. Mate, I'm losing you now and I think it's my signal. All right, well, in that case, let's run. It's really cool because I can see it's on time when you talk your face but then it comes out a bit afterwards and you look like you've seen Police Academy

when his lips move he's like wanna fight? nah fight me say that nah? you're doing it now? well thanks for the reference right I'll go and edit Piggy's names out and I'll put this up online and I'll see you day drinking on Friday.

Right, see you then. Bye. Bye.