Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 2.1 The Sequal

Episode Date: November 5, 2020

Joining you for another lockdown, muggins and cream swing back into your lives with an all singing, all dancing, unannounced pod to launch your quarantine 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking Muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, Muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Do you want to do a proper intro? Where have you been? Fucking proper intro. Right, I'll do a proper intro. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to start with ladies and gentlemen. Why? I just find gentlemen a bit weird.

Like, look at those gentlemen. It's creepy. Why? Why? Because gentlemen are creepy. I don't know, like a gentleman is just like, just a nice man, isn't it? But like, look at the gentlemen, just being gentlemen. why because gentlemen a gentleman is just a nice man but gentlemen

being gentle really showing restraint I don't think gentle being

showing restraint it's just suggestive isn't it why

do you say gentle I didn't mention anything

about the demeanour it was almost the predestined how

gentle they are so I'm not going to deal with that. I'm not going to start with that. I'm going to start like this. Here we are going into another lockdown with Sloss and Humphreys on the road

and here is Daniel with the lockdown song. In what world do you think that would work? No, I'm like, in what world? Sing it properly. No, no, but, in what world? Sing it properly. No, no, but in your head. Try and sing it. I absolutely will, Ron. Is that the way it is?

No, no. When have you ever, oh no, I was about to say, when have you ever tricked me into singing, but you have managed to get me to do karaoke once in Benidorm. Yes, and you know what it was like? It was like when Ron the Anchorman was killed again. The Anchorman. Ron the Anchorman.

Do you mean Ron Bergen? Aye. No, no. But was that you being my grandmother when you were like, you know, Ron the Anchorman from the movie. Ron the Anchorman. Sorry, my favourite actor. Bill Murray. Ron the Gentle Anchorman sorry my favourite actor Bill Murray

Ron the Gentle Anchorman yeah when he when he got like asked if he wanted to play jazz flute and he goes I dabble and he pulled the jazz flute

out of his lapel lapel? aye sure is that called is that a lapel? no I don't know what a lapel is I think that's the front pocket

isn't it no the lapel's the bit on a fucking suit that you put the mic on I only know that because it's what a lapel is. I think that's the front pocket, isn't it? No, the lapel's the bit on a fucking suit that you put the mic on. I only know that because it's called a lapel mic. Ah, oh. Aye. So that's why I assume a lapel. That's why head mics, they put them on your head.

That's why. And that's why, well, it depends which head. It's up to you to choose your own adventure. So you were in Benidorm, and we're were like come on sing a song everyone else has sung a song and you're like

nah nah nah can we specify that this is a karaoke bar and just not a bar we're not just all on the beach it was in Hobbiton

we were barefoot come on you stood on the bar come on everyone else has done as a ditty Daniel come on regale us with

one of your fine adventures in the Dragonlands. Oh, well. And then I start tab dancing. And then, you just take, you pull, you open your jacket pocket, and you pull from your lapel, you pull

a pre-written karaoke slip. That's for what? It's a song called Here Now You're an All-Star. All-Star by Smash Mouth. All-Star by Smash Mouth. All-Star by Smash Mouth. And you no-screened it. You were looking at the screen. Waltzing around doing finger guns at ladies when you were singing it.

Did not see that coming. That is one of the whitest karaoke songs you can pick. That's up there with Killers, Mr. Bright I think was I was going to say that's me but it's definitely not and I've never sung it I knew she was trying to claim literally just claimed

the wrong karaoke song out of nowhere what is your karaoke song you can call me Al I don't want to so what's your but you told us tell us Al

and I'll tell you the karaoke song call me Al first alright fine Al what's your favourite karaoke song. Call me Al first. Go right by Al. What's your favorite karaoke song? You're not going to believe this. It's La Bamba.

I mean, I do know that. Is it just because that's Al Bamba backwards? No. Yeah, so I phoned with the, you can call me Al. You don't need to be able to have a singing voice I don't even know what that song is

man walks down the street says why am I soft in the middle yeah do you know it Ed why am I soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard

I need a full opportunity I like how you said you don't have to sing it so you've just made I want my shot redemption I want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

You don't need to sing it for me, you can do it however. Bone digger, bone digger. What did you say? Dogs in the moonlight. Dogs in the moonlight. Far away by a window door. Mr. Beer Belly, Beer Belly,

take these mutts away from me, you know. Why have we gone back to the fucking intro of the podcast oh you were about to do the lockdown song and then we just like we went off on a tangent

no I'm not going to do the lockdown song because it goes it's obviously a lockdown to Electric Avenue but that's a joke that literally everyone's done

and I will not we've just done it participate in it no technically do it and I will not participate in it. No, I'll not do it. Alluding to the joke. I'm alluding to it in a way that you allude to something that you think is shite where you're like oh look at these people talking about this shite.

I'm going, look, I'm better. I obviously thought of that joke but I didn't say it out loud because I'm not a knobber. Do you know which joke I'm going to be the first one to get? Unprecedented. Oh. say it loud because I'm not a knobber do you know do you know which joke I'm going to be the first one to get unprecedented oh a one word joke

but it has to be timed perfectly and I don't want to tempt fate so you've just done it now just do it now do it I'll tweet it you're going to tweet unprecedented

no no I won't no I don't want to you're going to steal my joke no I don't I'm not on Twitter well I mean I am you are on Twitter what a weird lie

well I mean yeah for the past for the past couple of days I've not been off of it I've been on a pair of my scroll I I can't concentrate on a book or anything

like I just need to pick up and have a look I've just I've allowed myself this where I'm just like you know what like this is the time whenever there's a time

to be on your fucking phone if that's what fucking helps your anxiety and if smoking weed every second of every day gets it through, then at the end of this, I've made a commitment to myself where I'm going to go, once this is all done, I'm going to find healthier ways to care. Aye. Like, I need to definitely invest fucking way less into shit that I've got zero control over.

Zero control? Aye. It's really hard because you feel like control zero control aye it's really hard because you feel like you need control over it aye you need to be able to get through to people

and you start getting aggressive with people who have a different opinion because they're the problem well I mean no

and then you're the problem and then we're their problem well aye oh but yes it feels like there's a tide of change coming,

but it's not going to come without a fucking massive splash. I don't think it's going to be change. I reckon the next Trump will be worse. Oh, do you think so? I often wondered that. I was like... I think it'll either be one of his sons or or both of his sons sewn together into one candidate oh like a human centipede uh no no you were going more like

stitched together like a saver's twin no not necessarily more like you know two kids trying to get into a movie in the same trench coat, but sewn together. It's getting horrific. Well, they're not... Did they take an aesthetic or did they just... Well, they're American. They're not good at healthcare, man. They're not fucking, you know... They get charged thousands to get stitched together.

Mind you, if anyone knows a plastic surgeon, it's going to be something with the Trump family, I reckon. Did you hear that biting satire? Did you fucking hear him get eviscerated there? You're saying that he looks pretty good like his plastic surgery is looking good no I'm just saying he absolutely knows where well I mean you know he's got work done I mean this is not

let's not go down the route of talking about the fucking colour of the man because I think it's the laziest left wing humour in the world to call him see when fucking cunts go you mean you mean president cheeto

and you're like oh god agent orange why are you guys on my team why do I have to be on the team with the nerds

and the fuck I don't know what like if he doesn't win I'm not I'm not gonna attempt fate

I've said I don't believe in jinxing it so many times that've said I don't believe in jinxing it so many times that it looks like I do believe in jinxing it. I'm not sure what will happen to the man because he can't... He's going to crumble as a human. No, he'll be fine. He'll get away with it all.

He is going to end up in a fucking asylum, I reckon. No, I think he's going to at worst end up on Broadway I mean that would be a redemption story imagine all singing all dancing imagine he turns up

bleeding wicked no no Hamilton just comes out like Hamilton oh god I we were put through that do you not like it?

no no man I did not I hated the way Natalie kept going oh this is your song when it was like one of the softest

like weppy songs this is when we were watching the movie Hamilton and every time there was a sad song and that was you know a little bit heartfelt

she'd point out that you were just a bit more of a tearjerker I just gently dabbed the side of your face with your blouse just put it out in us

your little dear Theodosia I do like that song though Cara was taken by it she was like she was reacting like Natalie

and that does where it's like catnip and you can like it's better to watch them watching it than it is watching it Keith's jangling

uh huh and it does something to them like I think it's alright like I can look at them and go and that's talent that's like two and a half hours

of fucking belting out jams I just I just I I imagine I hope that's how she sees me looking at football or computer games

because she probably kind of understands the feeling you get I mean I suppose she grew up with football

in my family that little no I couldn't remember what we were talking about see that quarter past a quarter to the hour

don't fucking start it's come on what were we talking about just before that little always comes

no I know the bit we all know the bit and it doesn't work and it's not coming back so let's steamroller over it and get to what we were talking about

oh check it's half past aye couldn't have been favourable aye aye so finally irrefutable proof

that your little shit bit is incorrect oh but when it lands. You've seen it land. Aye, but one in every fucking thousand. Dirty. 30,000. One in every 30.

It works. So you've seen us do it. Hundreds. We've had that many little. Aye. But when it lands when somebody checks their watch that's what we were

talking about Hamilton and how crap it was aye not a fan like I can appreciate do go a bit here's what I'll say

obviously they're all very fucking talented obviously it's very well written and it deserves every single award it got I don't have anything to fault with it

I cannot fucking abide a musical, that is just constantly singing, I can't get past it man, it's just so, like and this is like such a stupid thing to say, but I'm just like, oh so none of it's real then,

so it's just the most fake thing in the fucking world, like at least in like, other musicals like I'm trying to think of ones I've fucking seen we will rock you or Book of Mormon and stuff, Mamma Mia Mamma Mia, well I've not seen Mamma Mia so I don't know

but they've got fucking dialogue between the thing you go alright here's some sense of normality and it breaks out in a song like The Lion King and you go grand right this is one of the Sony bits I'm going to fuck off for a bit come back for the story the song like the lion king aye and you go grand right this is one of the songy bits I can't put the kettle on I'm going to fuck off for a bit

wait let's sing come back for the story I love Moana I love all the songs with Moana Moana's class because what happens is there's a bunch of story

like people sing for a bit there's a catchy fucking tune and you go this is great this is good I can get singing every fucking word that leaves

I couldn't give a shit I just find it, I can't concentrate. I find it the least interesting thing in the world. No. I don't know. I've gotten quite fond of it. I think it's because

once you've heard them a couple of times, they start like, the songs start comforting you when you've heard a song a few times, especially when it's catchy. If I'm going to have a song that's going to cheer me up, I'd rather it didn't last two and a half fucking hours

I'd rather a catchy fucking jingle that comes on and cheers me up in 30 seconds as opposed to sitting down and getting a fucking shoddy history lesson that was my worry about when I first sat down

it was two and a half hours I was like oh I'm going to be fucking looking at my watch this whole time I'm going to be like wanting to check my phone and it's going to be

pot of buzzkill like at least if Natalie watches football if she wasn't enjoying it you don't have to fucking stare at the screen for the full game you know

so it's I was a little bit concerned I was going to be a little bit like hostaged by the whole thing fuck me I'd

put it on new I quite like it just why does he have to sing the entire fucking time I just quite like it just why do you have to sing the entire fucking time I just can't it's just so rude

like I just keep putting myself in a situation it's a musical nah but it's rude I can't relate to you imagine how fucking rude it'd be

you're trying to conversate with someone right it's your Uber driver and he's just singing the entire time. Hamilton, shut the fuck up, man. I'm trying to have a fucking reasonable discussion with you. We're trying to build a democracy here.

Hamilton, shut the fuck up. You're being rude. You're gaslighting me through song. And you're not being told off. Well, you wouldn't do what Aaron Baird did and just sing back at him. What? I'm not singing to his level no because that's how musicals start because if i start singing back then i'm in a fucking musical the only thing

between me and a musical is me not joining and i i've got to every time i sing it you're just having to show us because otherwise this podcast would turn into a musical I'm holding the front line every day on this podcast any time you're trying to jingle

I'm standing there making sure it doesn't turn into a musical man and everybody at home's going join in Daniel join in no

they're egging you on they're willing you to sing back aye but not for good reasons not because they want to have it not because it'll fucking just aye but not for good reasons not because they want to have it not because it'll fucking just because it'll be shite just because they want

to hold it over me in the future and be like do you mind that time you and Kyle opened with the fucking musical ditty and it was as shite

as the fucking battle rap you both did when you were nine years old I like the battle rap ah no you don't we watched it back together and you know what it was I know but it was

a part of history wasn't it fuck off it was part I know, but it was a part of history, wasn't it? Fuck off. It was a part of our rich history as friends. Part of history. Jesus Christ. Did the soul of Donald Trump enter your body? Do you know what was a part of our rich history? Aye.

Is there a battle rap one together? Aye. It was my battle rapping phase. Aye, but it's aye but I can understand look I can look back at it but objectively as a comedian

now look how do you feel about it it wasn't great it's it was fun in what a young comic

man I don't regret it I don't regret it in the sense that we were young and stupid and it was fucking fun to do it's funny

look back on but it was and people liked it aye but just because people will eat shit you feed them doesn't mean you should

feed them shit right aye but you shouldn't stop them eating shit whether they wanted you shouldn't slap the shit into their hand again oi

no look as we all know and agree right the lowest form of comedy is musical comedy where it's just

no hold on hold on changing the words to songs is the lowest form yes that's where I was going

with that yeah but we didn't change the words to a song we'll put a new song to a beat that but we didn't change the words to the song. We'll put a new song to a beat that exists. We didn't change the words to Still Dre. Well, okay. We didn't sing Still Dre at each other.

We'll rap our own words over a Still Dre beat to a different... I can't believe that you're trying to justify any of the words that are coming out of your mouth. you're trying to justify any of the words that are coming out of your mouth it's like man look we did it

it was great it wasn't I see it but me that's my thing man I can't look back on old fucking work because I can't look at it objectively

I just go like if I was you can't say there's like a place you came through to get where you are now nah not at all not even an exploration

even if it's a door that like... Thought I could. I went back the other day and watched, eh, fucking, I watched my Paul O'Grady set. Oh wow, that's way back, innit? Horrible. That was when you, eh... Aye, 17.

Put on salt on your tongue? No, even, no, that was Macintosh Roadshow. This was before that. This was Shaving Joke. This was the Shaving Joke? Aye, way back when. Eh... Em, aye. What made you watch it back Just nostalgia

Was Marlena Had found A copy Of The Adventures of Daniel On DVD And sent me

A message That was due During lockdown Was that you should Hey I've got it I've watched it back It's not as bad as you remember I'll send it over So you can just watch it together and log down and me and cara sat there

and watched it and we lasted five minutes and cara who loves me dearly was like i love you but i can't watch another fucking second you couldn't watch more because you're jealous of the girl in it that you're getting with she's a jealous bitch isn't she she is an absolute green eyed whore boom a green eyed whore a green eyed that's a spurt a green eyed

no I have to it's my one line that I didn't understand I've got to stand here depending on this podcast

I was trying to sing into a brown eyed girl green eyed whore I thought you were just breaking the musical do you fucking I was trying to sing into a brown eyed girl green eyed girl I thought you were just breaking the musical do you remember

when we used to sing no no that's a different one there it is how does it get to brown

eyed girl no idea mate that's why I stopped let's try let's not come on this podcast

is not turning into a musical. A duet. No. A duet. We've battled up against each other. We've never sung in unison ever. Aye, and we're going to keep it that way.

Have we ever sung in unison? Why on... Yes, happy birthday a bunch of times. We have. And when we used to drive on tour and you used to listen to... The fucking... When I was a young warthog...

Oh, man, I fucking hate this bit. I hate this bit. When I was a young warthog... Just can't write singing Disney tunes. Show tunes, nonetheless. That's what I tell people. People don't believe it. No, they do.

You're a very convincing liar. And also people, for some reason, see the worst in me. What were we talking about there? Nothing important. Nowhere we're talking about there? nothing important never were we talking about the adventures of Daniel oh yeah you're right I bet that was it

aye it was piping hot garbage man because I was sorting through my stuff there moving house obviously so I'm like packing some stuff away deciding what to no hey you're not

first of all you're not moving out you're becoming homeless aye but you're going to put us up aren't you yes aye yeah yeah

you're poetry no just let's let's make sure that we frame this in the right way so the audience don't misconstrue things

you and Natalie are both moving out of your London flat she's moving in with her parents you're moving in with me. Things are fine. We're separating.

Things are fine. We're still completely in love. It's just a modern relationship, okay? Now, we're house hunting in Glasgow. We're trying to do it sat here in London on Zoom. Not Zoom. FaceTime. I don't...

Nobody was going to fact check that. WhatsApp video. Right. time i don't nobody was going to fact check that what's up video right skype pick a medium and uh natalie's uh parents were showing around the house and she was like it was i mean it was awkward for everyone involved like it's I find house hunting really awkward. You're in someone's house that they have built the way that they loved, have brought it to a standard that they've enjoyed. But don't find out how hard. Like, they're easy to track. It's just, you can't, you just have to be like, oh, lovely.

Oh, brilliant. No, see, you've got to. I just want to look at it analytically with no judgment of my reaction. I didn't want to even show any reactions. You've got to I just want to look at it analytically With no judgement of my reaction I didn't want to I didn't want to even show any reactions You've got to gaslight them You've got to do the You've got to go in and tell them How fucking shit the house is

While they Try and do it up It's just I don't want any part in that Even if If I like it I don't want to say I like it If I dislike it

I don't want to say I dislike it I very much just want to be unobserved Looking at stuff going Mmhmm Okay Alright potential I doubt it will don't want to say I dislike it I very much just want to be unobserved looking at stuff going mmh oh okay alright potential a dirty little voyeur fucking part of it

not showing any interest here nor there just being a dirty wee dirty wee Swiss cunt just the cards to be chest and that aye your flat chest

me what nothing flat flat chest nothing thanks I guess no then why you found it

I don't know it's just didn't matter you found it I don't know it was your tone your tone did really like it seemed like it was

containing an insult well you took it as one aye you notated it

it was like like throwing a punch at a stop next to my face and just having hiya written on your

fist and I'm like hi is that face and just having hiya written on your fist and I'm like hi is that how we wave now is it hello or hiya as in like no that would have been an open fist

fair point which wouldn't have been a fist at all no it wouldn't have that's the fist conundrum isn't it so we've been looking around houses

on facetime and you should have was on skype you know what we try different mediums on every type We've been looking around houses on FaceTime. You should have used FaceTime. You should have used Enscape. You know what? We try different mediums on every type because of your house with a lack of internet, which you have got internet now. But when you didn't have internet, you didn't know it was going to be that way until you bought it.

I've been hyper-cautious with that. You don't want to go to any questions. What's the internet like? They're obviously going to say it's good but like I'm reading the tone I'm watching to see how quick they answer and how emphatically

they answer man fucking go on you can go on fucking Google and just speed check the area and just go right fucking it's bad here

you can see whether Virgin are able to do it Pete are able to do it and there are I don't know the name of the fucking websites but there's places to check we just didn't do any of them

because we are idiots aye I've got to do that and also when they were showing us around the house if the signal got bad

it could have been the nicest house ever I'd be like meh I don't want to be dealing with that this is just happening new that means that to me

life is the thing you're most looking forward to about moving to Scotland, is the thing you're most excited about, is it going from dirty, dirty English tap water... Oh, drinking out of the tap. ...to pure, crystal clear, finest in the world Scottish tap water? My coffee machine's got cholesterol.

What? Because the veins of the coffee machine have got, like, cholesterol in them. The fucking water's hardened in the veins of the coffee machine have got like cholesterol in them the fucking water's hardened in the veins of the coffee machine from what London tap water from London tap water

and I needed to do a Lime Scale thing on it it was flashing fucking queer lights it is so I was I had to go and Google the lights

that came up did you Google queer lights and it was a rainbow it was a pride rainbow a bunch of Christmas lights came up and it's because

of the lights did you mean fairy lights and uh i mean what richie just decided to try and get downstairs his apartment the other day as well and they don't that's because fucking the covid the washing machine's got covid um so i am looking forward to having tap water that doesn't come straight with the Thames full of chalk and that Scottish tap water

is the fucking so to backtrack this to where it came from I am moving up to Scotland to be where I want to buy a house so that I can go and look at them

and stay in your house until that day until we buy one and when I was packing I found a DVD for not me first gig that does exist somewhere I think at me mother's I think I've got me first ever key but remember when I did a gig for you at lol you had a comedy club called lol yeah okay in Kirkcaldy in the studio of the Adam Smith Theatre aye Marlena had recorded it oh dear god

and she sent us a copy of it and I hadn't even opened it I just had a letter from Marlena and I went in I must have just

read the thing he has an old copy of one of your DVDs one of your things you know she records my fringe show every year I was like

oh well that's one of my fringe shows I've got them I'll record it anyway but this is an early copy of one of the shows this one 2009 i'll do the maths on that 26 26 yeah 83. okay so i was there in my first year and i remember the set I did then was the Narnia and the Narnia's going through a credit crunch so it was in the drawer under the sink rather than in the wardrobe. Was the tin man made of aluminum? The tin man was in there and I was like what's the tin man doing in Narnia?

Oh you're lost and I started giving the tin man directions to Oz from Credit Crunch Narnia he was made of aluminium alright how often did that joke bang? you know what like anytime I'd done a short spot it banged

like seriously if I'd done a five spot if I was in an open spot doing a five spot it would bang right because I tell you what

like I'll put it on Twitch I'll watch I'll watch I'll watch part of it on Twitch oh god because it's over 10 years it's like 11 years

since it was on I can disassociate from that completely I can't see because I considered fucking watching Adventures of Daniel

on Twitch but it would just be me still ashamed tying a fucking rope around my neck man it's just good I just can't disassociate I just can't fucking I can't disassociate like I just can't

fucking I can't watch old stand up sets I can't watch I can't my worry would be with me older stuff is that like

I feel like I've come from a place of bigotry through ignorance and I've kind of like woke up a bit

like I'm more woke now where people would use woke as an insult even though even though it just means being more informed and having empathy it where people would use woke as an insult even though even though it just means being more informed and having empathy

it should never be wielded as an insult oh you're too woke now like nah nah a bit more compassionate now mate well no I do think people use it

as a fucking stick to flog other people like it does become a thing of who's more woke than other each other like it I do know woke cunts

that suck well you know people that just listen to rap music and use the F word not fuck right friendship

friendship extreme friendship the F word extreme extreme friendship there's no one friendlier than those boys

so you've heard it in rap music and you're using it just wielding it normally but then you find out the etymology of the word faggot and that it was from them throwing like bundles of wood which were called

faggots on the fire and then it's because the burned homosexual people then you can't then willingly go on using that word because you know even though i just used it in explanation i hope that counts as but you you can't then willingly go on so sometimes you like you act a particular way and you act a particular way and you talk a particular way and then you learn a particular thing and you have to make some adjustments so not to knowingly be that guy.

Not that I ever... That was just an example. That was a bad example because I'd never used that word in any of my stand-up apart from... I mean, I'd never used that word on stage. But I've definitely used it in my private life. Yeah.

Towards my gay friends. Yeah, it's contextual. Right. I don't think you can fucking police work that. I truly fucking believe it's about the intent most of the time. Yeah, exactly, right. So I could watch something from 2009, and if I see anything like that, I know it lacks intent,

because I know I was a nice kid when I was that age. I was a nice kid. I might have been bigoted through ignorance. And that was a bad example because I know I wasn't using that word. But I could just be saying something that seems misogynistic to me now or something where I'd cringe, but then I'd just go, and look, that was me then. I could disassociate from it.

I could disconnect from it. I just like the fact that I've become so much better at sexism and misogyny now well you can just do it a lot more creatively just more streamlined just as I it's less

you know less clunky I've read I've read everyday sexism because I'm thinking about going pro

study it hard just like studying about the greats know your history so I could watch that back so I was saying about the Narnia bit it was packed with punchlines

I had a lot of punchlines on it and it always went down well on a short spot but it didn't fit with my personality in a long spot when I just like was being myself for 20 because you can't just do an act

for 20 minutes really I mean I suppose you can if you're an act like a character but as soon as I started letting my own personality

and myself come into it those wild flights of fancy just seemed clunky it was very much like it was a

Rosnable-esque material you're like Tim Minch oh no like Eddie Azar like you know It was very much like it was a Rosnable-esque material. Ah, you're like... Tim Minch. Oh, no, Tim Minch. Like, it is odd. Like, you know, when you just go off on a fanciful thought,

like a bizarre idea, and the idea is so far from reality that it's just funny for a bit. Like, I would have had to go down that road to make that sort of stuff work. There's no way I can just be like talking about my relationship with my girlfriend or my parents or whatever. Like the other stuff that I was doing at the time.

I like me brothers, like weed smoking and that. Like then just going down one of them rabbit holes for like five minutes to be sitting and then come back. See, I enjoy doing that sometimes. I like fucking going into bits where the you know we just go into full routines just to thrill

the audience of course I just go in there and really fucking personify a bit and fucking go weird like but then again

that just comes at a later stage like obviously in your fucking early sets you're not going to be able to fucking cram that

in there because I try to write a lot of stuff doing that vein as well but like fucking stuff like at the end of

Lord of the Rings just Schmeagol just come and run in a in a tenement building in Leith and there's a belt

around his arm and a needle hanging and he's going fucking hell that's good shit that like just getting on with his life

and run Scotland and I try to write bits like that and it was just like that. And it was this thing that just felt like a route. I was like, like, you can only really do stuff like that.

I used to, I used to sit down and just go, I'm going to write jokes about this fucking topic and you just sort of sit down and, you know,

smash Play-Doh through holes, hope that it turned into a, you know, shape that you could use. Thank God, it just comes to me naturally now yeah I wrote another bit

about fucking trying to mug Mario and I'm saying he had no money and I was like we'd bang a heat off that well I've just mugged

I've just got all of the rings off at Sonic so I don't know if you can fucking see these on but I'll go proper fucking blink

got Mario at knife point bang a heat off the wall so I just that was that was my angle

at the time whimsy I was fully I fully came at it with whimsy and then I just kind of like

got into this toilet tube and tacked it with my cock it's funner it's easy I much prefer just stupid jokes

evil jokes aye sick stuff aye just for the shock I've been doing one I've been doing one lately where we put my sister

on the walls of Jericho and everyone thinks it's when we're children and I say she nearly lost her baby and people laugh because ha ha she doesn't have hope

she's pregnant nearly lost it as well it's like she's fine though you wouldn't laugh if she had been at the jail white with brow wouldn't that

see you wouldn't be here telling the story do you think I'd come on stage and gloat do you think I came here today

to tell you that I successfully got rid of my sister's baby in a wrestling move. And in that position as well, it would have dripped down my leg. We're never going to get to gig again this year. That was the last one, wasn't it? I've got some stuff booked in in December, but...

No, you fucking don't. I do? No. I just didn't think... I don't think... I'm going to make it on ahead. I don't think I've done my last gig this year. I do.

I don't think you've done your last gig. I don't think I've ever done anything. You know what? It's not the end of the world if I have. No, it might be. Oh, yeah. That would be the very definition of why I'm not gigging again. Because the world if I have. No, it might be. Oh yeah, that would be the very definition of why I'm not gigging again. Because the world's...

Aye. I think I'll gig again in January, but I don't. I can't say. That was a nice tour, you know. And that wasn't what we're used to. It's closer to home.

Everything was closer to home. We got to see people Ond nid oedd hynny'n yr hyn rydyn ni'n arfer i. Ie. Roedd yn lles i'r tŷ. Roedd popeth yn lles i'r tŷ. Roedd yn rhaid i ni weld pobl pan nad ydym wedi gweld pobl am amser. Roedd yn rhaid i mi ymweld â chwefnion. Roedd yn rhaid i ni ymweld â'r bobl yn y wlad. Roedd yn rhaid i ni ddod i'r hwst, oeddwn ni? Ie, gwneud sneidiau ar y llawr o'r llawr o'r llawr. Doeddwn ni ddim yn mynd i'r ffordd i'r wlad. Nid hyd yn oed yr un Iwerddon, sy'n anodd.

Ie. Roedd dim ond 4 neu 5 gigiau wedi cael eu cancelf. Pa un? Not even the Irish one, which is a shame. Aye. Only about four or five gigs got cancelled. Which ones? Manchester. Manchester. One of the Newcastle ones. Aye. Bristol.

Aye. And these Clare from Windsor. Well, we managed to bundle the Clare from Windsor in. We got them all done. Because we were doing Thursday and Saturday, but we're just doing a double gig on a Tuesday and a double gig on a Wednesday. Thanks to everyone who came up to the Clapham Grand shows

and the Palladium shows. They were all class. Aye, great way to bow out that, wasn't it? Aye. Shame I had to bow out, but fucking awesome gigs. Aye, so now we're just going to the lockdown where? Just casually doing the Palladium as well, because we didn't make a big song and dance about it

in case it didn't happen. Aye. There was no fanfare about it. We just kind of just... Like, I didn't even ask my own mum and dad knew I was doing it. Aye. I just kept...

Like, I don't think we bothered on that, no, until after I'd done it. Because I just didn't... I didn't marry myself to the idea that it was happening. I did feel like it was never going to actually so I can take place. And then it was cancelled halfway through essentially

aye between the two shows that's when Lockdown got announced it was fucking a bizarre moment bit of a sweet one aye

aye no no it was actually I'm looking forward to the fucking time off aye we'll do loads of twitching aye

because I'm going to be at yours you've got to we're both going to start doing meth just twitching in the corner just twitching because I'm going to be at yours you've got you in there now we're both going to start doing meth just twitching in the corner just twitching in the corner just fucking I'm in the corner

watching you twitching join in no I am the last stand between this fucking podcast and musical anarchy it takes it takes

there's no you didn't nearly sing green eyed hort of the tune of brown eyed girl and if you knew the tune I would have had you musical anarchy it takes it takes there's no you didn't nearly sing Green Eyed Hort or the tune of Brown Eyed Girl and if you knew the tune

I would have had you I potentially would have thankfully thankfully my brain couldn't bring up

my brain I tried to activate a part of my brain that never exists which is the singing part the part my brain

was like how does that sound go wake up the part he's like I've not had to do any music up here for

fucking years Jesus that's this drama school he's like I've not had to do any music up here for fucking years Jesus that's his drama school he's just he's just sitting there tuning his guitar like am I on is there a warm up

like stall him like he's oh I blew it get out get out the rolling stones stop keeping him waiting you need you need the tune for Broda Girl

what's your new lockdown resolutions um back to Cullen aye every day every morning because if I live in Cullen

um probably just like getting about town rub against people and coughing his face when I'm home yep yeah

um rail car aye for like national rail like privatiser Yeah, yeah. Rail Cara. Aye. For like national rail. Privatiser. I was going to put a skateboard. No, sorry. I was just going to get a lie down.

I was just going to just grind up against that with a skateboard. Sorry, I thought you wanted to privatise her. Privatise her. Yeah, nationalise her. I'm going to piss on your cat. Aye. Which one? Ray. Right. Fat one. Aye. Which one? Ray.

Ray. Fat one. Aye. Not Gary. Ray. Um. Your cats just sound like they're in a bowling team. Aye.

Ray and Gary. Ray and Gary. Sounds like aye. Fucking losers. Two divorcees. sends a guy two fucking losers two divorcees

two closet homosexuals deep in like Republican Texas who like their versions of

day and night the only way they can be public about their relationship is to be on a two man boat like

Dave that's what they do romantic Gary and Ray but like they're called a bro down

they're called no they're trying to mask the homosexuality and masculinity between They're called a bro-down. They're called a pen. They're trying to mask the homosexuality and masculinity. Just hide it between chest bumping and that. Really love each other. It's like really forbidden love for the two of them. They've never had a minute.

It's their version of ballet, really. It's just like, you know, they get to dance around the sides. They get to be together in a place with other men. And, you know, they get to congratulate each the sides. They get to be together in a place with other men. And, you know, they get to congratulate each other, pat each other on the back, hug each other to get a strike. You know, Carol's screaming at the podcast now going, Ray's a girl. Well, so's Gary. Really?

Hi. Plot twist. Gary's a girl. Plot twist. What do you think she's a boy? What? What do you think she's a boy? She's called Gary

is that even an ambiguous name Ray's ambiguous well well Ray's just called Gary she's been named after the snail

from Spongebob oh yeah so that's why she's called Gary and also cats don't unoriginal cats don't know

their genders she doesn't give a shit Gary's not going oh a boy's name that's a stupid thing we made up like at that point

you're getting close to Cara like I look I love Ray I think she's fucking class but I will to her face

call her a cunt and a fat slut because she has both of those things Cara will she like don't say that in front of her I'm like

she doesn't speak English I know and em she knows what she hates and I keep doing it like and I keep doing it not to annoy her I keep doing it

just because by accident calling the cat it is it hungry like why is she offended on it's behalf because because it's a well because it's you know she loves it Is it hungry? Like, why is she offended on its behalf? Because it's, well, because it's, you know, she loves it.

On its behalf? I didn't buy action scenes. She's not a monster like you are. How is it monstrous? Look, we know. The cat is not part of. You hate all animals and they're not part of your family. This is cold.

It's true. You hate dogs. I took a line of coke off my tortoise once. That's good meat. Aye, but look. That's meat. The fact that your pet was a tortoise shows how little of an emotional connection

you've ever developed with an animal. Fucking... He was called Raymond. Was he? Aye. Raymond? Was it Raymond Mr. Tipkins? He was after him?

That isn't Raymond my tortoise Mr Timkins named after him? that's not Raymond we taught us they were named after him Mr Timkins is the name of my penis don't fart

on my penis don't blame that fart on me that's very childish of you do you think do you think

I farted and then tried to mask it by shouting don't farted and then tried to mask it by shouting don't fart on my penis yes I thought it was I thought you were self lamenting

what's lamenting mean you can you've got to lament your sins before you go to heaven don't you repent oh repent it's repent

what's repent what's lament I don't know that Repent. Of repent. It's repent. What's repent? What's lament? I don't know. That's why I asked. No, lament is the stuff that you use to build walls with. That's cement. Cement. No.

I don't know what lament means. So we've got enough of the plug, do we? All right, show's coming up plug that weed we're smoking that's good weed Candyland show your deal that's enough

we're getting rid of all that Candyland babe Candyland it says it's a very good one I've had a great laugh

on that lately I've been built at chat I've been like lit in the whatsapp groups and that fucking fun to be around

well just think you've been confident I've been tumble well you've been confident why wouldn't I be I won't get a room in our light up I'm walking to the room

and I light up like oh class I'm here it's just you the most arctic thing in the world is you

at House of Maddox hey it's me bumping elbows over your cell phone yes

handsome man fancy seeing you here we can definitely talk about the game Grounded

can we now well because well we can because the game Grounded is out on PC like there's been reviews of it online

and we've played it so yeah we got given well one of us got given a method of playing. A game called Grounded.

Oh, you can't say the console? Oh, no, I've got it. Oh, you've done that? Yeah, we've got the... I don't know what kind of embargoes you're on there, but we've got the Xbox, the new Xbox. We've got the new Xbox. Well, I can't talk about any...

I can't review any of the games or impressions, so we can't talk about the console itself. We can't... That's the embargoes. So we can't... We can console itself we can't like that's the barcode so we can't we can't say it's class can we talk about what the game's like

we can talk about I'm pretty sure we can talk about the game so it's Honey I Shrunk the Kids essentially yes and yeah you've been made minute and you don't know how

and you're just in this garden and there's just like and you've got a fuck hole on you and there's like a Lego head there and that it's massive and there's like a smint container that's massive and there's smints in it. And you just look at one guy and like, what can I do here?

And you just have to, it's survival mode of how to survive. It's fucking law of the jungle and there's massive going. It's a survival game where you've got to look for water, look for food. You've got to build grass houses to hide in from big ass fucking spiders. I get a pebble and some plant fibre and a bit of branching make an axe and then you can

chop down big strands of grass that you can build houses with you can check just how ladybird just how ladylike ladybirds actually are

bunch of them have dicks double checked triple checked and there was a bit where the ladybird got in a fight with three spiders

we saw a very very noble fight so at one point. A brutal fight. The spiders are very hard to kill. You're very small in this game. The spiders are literally the size of fucking elephants. Which is fucking terrifying, by the way. We've been playing on the big projector,

claiming it with a can of Coke. There was a fucking spider in it. I was trying to jump with the Coke can coke. There was a fucking spider in it. I was like, I was fucking trying to jump into the fucking coke can. Properly shot her fucking pants. Got to the point where they're just, they're a properly unkillable kangaroo anywhere near you.

You just run away from them. There were three spiders, minding their own business, and a drop of water fell from a juice can and rolled down towards the spider. The spider went for it. The ladybird also went for it. Then proceeded a fight between

three spiders and one ladybird in which ladybird sadly lost its life. But took one of the spiders. Took down two of the fucking spiders with it. Yeah.

Took down two. Ah yeah, so did it. So we went to get, like, after the carnage was finished, we went and got, like, bits off the ladybird, the shield off the ladybird.

Absolutely fucking shameless. Getting, like, fucking venom sacks off the spiders that were dead and that. And we're like, oh, we can study these and find out what weapons we can make

and traps and that turn into fucking vultures fucking absolute belter of a game it's very good and when it comes out it's going to be a four player

so co-op so you and your mates can fucking build for us together so I could be out like fighting spiders and bringing back pots and you could be at home

like making nests just like you could be at home like making a nest just like you could have like the fire burning with some aphids on so I had a nice roast while we were getting in what I've done

you could have all the like storage organised so you've got all our provisions in one but you've got all our like mining stuff on the other am I doing any of the

miners or is that just for our kids the ones we send in the mines are they well you could like equip us with a spear and that. Oh, just... And then what? And that'll guide out and I'll just say...

Aye. Give you a wee pint of lunchbox, shall I? Aye, just be the man of the house and that. And I'll just come back, oh, and you'll just be bitching on and that. Huh? I'm just saying, the multiplayer's going to be class.

Oh, my. The multiplayer's going to be epic. Fucking, it's a wonder Natalie doesn't knock you out. Shh. It's her birthday is it aye shall we sing her happy birthday

from the air just wake her up when she's got work in the morning aye well it could be a great way we can do it now

she's probably listening to this on the way wouldn't it be nice if we just sang it together shall we sing right

this is what you wanted shall we sing Natalie we'll sing it quietly so she can't hear it so it's a nice surprise on the podcast.

Right. Happy birthday to you. Sing along at home. Happy birthday to you. She can hear you. Happy birthday dear Natalie. Happy birthday to you. And seven more.

What? What? Seven? What? Sorry. And many more. Slip of the tongue. to you and seven more what what seven what Zoe and many more slip of the tongue seven slip of the old tongue

seven oh like you can't get what you want out of her over the next seven years really you need more than that do you

by then you couldn't have unlocked all of her secrets you know what I mean seven years you can't complete the game that isn't that late I very want to still play her after the game it's completely like you know what I mean seven years you can't complete the game that is Natalie aye but I want to

still play her after the game it's completely like Grand Theft Auto San Andreas when you just get to put a round of the jetpack on

aye smacking hookers aye smacking hookers with dildos and that aye aye well I think it sounds like I'm

putting her out of misery then I hate this superpower that you've got I don't like it no it's my cross to bear so yeah

happy birthday Natalie my wife I'll probably say between now and I'm just leaving a little answer for her message can I just leave

a little message on your hand please no you can text her look I've got I've got your card it's on the table when you get in

when you get in from work if I'm not in it got your card it's on the table when you get in when you get in from work if I'm not in it's your gay card you dropped it I didn't get anything because like that's just more stuff to pack isn't it

pointless just packing wild this eye it's pointless just pack like oh he has a gift pack it you know I already struggled for space don't call it that

I'm about to think come on mate Jesus What's that? She'll bite my tongue Anyway I've got a couple of nice steaks in One at the butcher's And two of your best

And she'll have some tripe So I've got a couple of steaks Don't cover your black eyes you can't have that alright anyway are we doing that Harry enough about the birthday girl more about your dad your dad Daniel what your dad your dad

Daniel what your dad hid in the wheelie bin to jump out on me but I didn't bother going round so he's now at the dump your dad initiates sex from the top rope

your dad slipped on a banana skin but he did a full 360 and carried on walking it fucking sounds like he pulled it off no no he did it absolutely

humorlessly like well like he was still just a little bit like ugh what was that a mild like he didn't even

style it out he was just like oh god well I mean it sounds like he did style it out if he fucking did a full 360

and kept walking it sounds like he exactly started it yeah like none of it was his skill though and he didn't even

claim it or try and make one like it was a victory he didn't let's see that your dad sucks my thumb your dad sits in

the shallows of the riverbank quacking people for bread your dad's bubble of six has an average age of 15. But he's 16. It's way worse than you think. Not median age.

No. Your dad put his finger up his nose and it popped out of his bum and damn near put my eye out a bogey on the end a bogey stinks of shit I don't tastes like it too brings it back out your dad thinks that if

you neuter a dog it becomes a cat oh so Gary was a boy aye and then

your dad sent his and your mam's names into the music channel via text and it showed

the world that they were only 17% compatible your dad reckons Kanye's gonna nick it showed the world that they were only 17% compatible your dad reckons Kanye's going to nick it at the end that's

that's been quite a common tweet from him what Kanye my dad keeps tweeting about Kanye's going to nick it

is he oh aye so em happy new lockdown aye well aye so em happy new lockdown aye well aye so and seven more

have eh take care of your mental health drink water go on your daily walks download the Sam Harris eh and making up app

watch us on Twitch like no no no we'll do positive stuff for your mental health first no because it's like brain chewing gum isn't it it's like

if there's shit on your mind you can just be distracted by us. It's like having the wireless on. Just fucking take care of yourself. Fuck bitches. Get money. Get money. Get furloughed.

Get furloughed. Tell bitches you can no longer give them the lifestyle that they deserve. Find out that they weren't with you for the lifestyle fall in love with a bitch further

probably stop calling her a bitch in the end I reckon one day aye aye we've just got to fill the other eight minutes

just like this well I did think we did it early I think well no I mean let's just fuck off why not end on a high

aye I'm gonna go to bed and just like bury my bone on her hip see if she wakes up oh no she's listening

listen I'm not I'm not gonna do that I didn't do that happy birthday to you who were born in a zoo you look

like a oh god no oh yes I'm so sorry wow anyway see you all hey should we

do this regularly no it's lockdown I mean let's I mean we should and we absolutely should commit to it but let's not we've got to be

living together so we can't really make excuses up to them anymore well I but we've got nothing to say I'll always come up we should commit to it but let's not we're going to be living together so we can't really make excuses up to them anymore well but we've got nothing to say I'll always come up

with stuff no you say that you know me I'm the credit crunch Narnia guy I've always got something rattling around in my head

yeah let's just drop this and it'll be like you know when Eminem drops an album and everyone's like what? there's not even

like promo and I would throw it just like fucking Eminem's just dropped an album and you's like what? There's not even like promo on out front they're just like fucking Eminem's just dropped an album Aye and you like it for a couple of hours and then after a couple

of weeks you've just got to admit yourself that it wasn't that good I mean Kamikaze was but I don't know what you mean with the other ones

But was Kamikaze as good as LP1 or 2? No No No it wasn't Still good there were bangers on it

Aye I like Godzilla off the latest one Aye Godzilla no no no it wasn't still good the bangers on it but aye I like Godzilla off the latest one aye Godzilla anyway don't like that

right I'll see you on Thursday cunts