Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 3. Pub Crawl

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

Muggins and Cream are joined by Snunky and Milk like the worlds worst version of the avengers. Snunky and Cream recount their room to room pub-crawl on Friday night that left Snunks in a worse state than COVID19 would. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Oh, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Don't cry for me, Quarantina. That was me starting the podcast. Well, it fucking shouldn't have been. Or do you think it was your serenade, didn't you? Do you not know how to... No, I knew what it was, but it doesn't change my very strong and consistent belief that it's a terrible way to open the podcast. It's a terrible way to open every podcast.

It's consistently awful. It just ruins the whole Australia away because I'm never going to enjoy it and you know I'm never going to enjoy it, but you continue to do it. So we've never actually started a podcast on a positive note. It's never been. It's a good first-time listener.

It's never like, oh my God, listen to the chemistry that these two best friends have. It's fucking hell, these can't hate each other, and one of them is tone deaf. Do you know what I think works worse? I do like 10 seconds of a jingle, and instead of just bouncing straight into the podcast, we'll have like a minute of you complaining.

I think we need to cut that bit out. Well, I just figured if we actually just had an opening that we both enjoyed, maybe there would be more banter between the pair of us as opposed to just as stubbornly not participating in either one's thing do you think we should do a live reenactment of the actual jingle no would you because that implies that i've heard i don't hear it as much as you do you hear it all the time because you ended the podcast again i haven't heard that jingle in years. I don't listen back to this podcast.

I don't listen to the podcast while I'm on it. I'll wait from my turn to talk. So when people quote the bits of the podcast here, do you just think that, so if they say like, where have you been since 9-11? It's the only one I know. It's the only one I know I've ever said. So when people go, where have you been since 9-11?

I'm like, oh yeah, the podcast. They yell other things and I'm like, no idea. There's one about, there's a clitoris somewhere in my head or something. Tickling the clitoris in your head, that makes you laugh? I don't, yeah. There was also, what else do you say?

I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Accidental rim job in the park? No? No. No idea? They're actually all from the first episode as well. Because remember how Rich Massara did it for her? No.

No, I don't. I miss Rich. I miss him too. He's not dead, but I just do. I found it hard raising him recently. All right. How's your quarantini? I'm still not hating it. I mean it either.? It's, I, I'm still,

I'm still not hating it. I mean, either. I think it's blessed. I've, I've changed some stuff around. I've moved the tableware. Natalie does her work

and put it in a dark corner so I can use the kitchen on me Oculus. It's really, it's really improved my life. I'm not sure about hers. Well, to do that,

you'd have to ask and what would be the point. You just know she's going to complain. We moved it so that we're going to take turns playing the tennis one. You know, the fucking futuristic tennis where you're batting against the wall. He played that one. Racket FX, I think it's called.

So we're playing that. And I'm getting one of them sweatshields for it as well. Here's a question. You know if you're just ordering something like a sweatshield for your Oculus? Like if I've got to pull up a sweatshield, you know, so instead of the sweat going into the foam. You know how there's some really sporty games? Aye.

Do you ever play anything like Creed where you're just fucking sweating your back out playing it? It's actually a good workout. No, no, no. I've not played it to that level of intensity. Clearly not. No, I just do it for fun. I didn't buy an Oculus Rift to get exercise. Ah, yeah, but I just want to chin the cunts that we're fighting against. I don't think

you're very loud on this. I'm going to... Oh, I know I was. I was turned right up. I'm going to put you near the speaker. So, yeah, I got a sweatshield for it so that I didn't sweat all over me quest

but is that socially irresponsible to get somebody to go to the depot and bring something to your house that's not essential

because you know how they like I can't do essential travel how is it essential travel for the postman to come and bring me a sweatshield?

Am I making too... It doesn't matter because he's a key worker at Jet. The whole postal system has to work. It doesn't matter what you're ordering,

no matter how shite it is. He's still going to be doing the job anyway. So that's not frowned upon to get yourself something recreational. I guess the Rafaers do that than

going out and do something. Who's going to prove it? Yeah, obviously you can order stuff that's up to them man it's not about proof I'm not

trying to get away with it I'm just trying to do the right thing no I mean if you were meant

to stop ordering things from Amazon I've killed millions so far aye aye you've been ordering

quite a bit so you can still aye just just whatever I want because we've got lots more time off now and what I like to do is buy the things for a project that I'm going to start

and then just never fucking do it but at least the options there and you had the intentions at the beginning at the start I think that's the funnest thing about a lot of hobbies is telling people what hobby you're about to get into and then not actually fucking doing it and that's the funnest thing about a lot of hobbies is telling people what hobby you're about to get into and then not actually fucking doing it.

That's the anticipation. Aye, that's the fun of it. My hobby is thinking about hobbies that one day might have. Like my idea of what my midlife crisis is going to be is woodwork. Yeah, because you've got an actual good shed that you could do woodwork in. Aye. You could get some tools

and all that and you could actually start projects in there. Just be one of those wee fucking, you know, different guys

can make benches and shit, make tables and fucking shit. Be one of them, wee wood whittlers, just fucking fine. You know, one of those old men just walks down the beach,

finds like a good bit of oak and he's like, oh God, turn this into something. That could be me. Do you know, do you know me, Grandad Harry?

Did you ever meet me, Grandad Harry? No. The private one. Oh, no, I saw him. I refused to shake his hand.

Oh yeah, you didn't want to touch that. Nah, didn't touch that hand. I remember he was at the front row of one of my gigs and I showed everybody by, I got his glasses

and held them up to the light that was lighting the stage, just to show them how fucking minging his glasses were, he's a fucking absolute tramp of a man I tell you now, you just take his top off eat his sundae dinner and it would go all down his hairy chest and then he'd jump in the bath Not even the shower

Not even the shower mate he would just go and fucking swim in his gravy swimming in his gravy. Swimming in his own gravy. And either... He was fucking masterful with woodwork. Like, he couldn't string a sentence together.

He was a dirty old pervert. And then fucking you see him on in the back garden with his making bird tables and all that and fucking just doing it anyway.

He's good at it. One redeeming feature. I do think there's a... I don't do think there's I do think it's one of those things that's sort of slowly dying out because I used to my dad's a very my dad can fucking fix anything, you know my dad like the cunt once fixed a refrigerator

with a hair dryer, he's that sort of man but he clearly got it from my granddad as well. Because my granddad used to make fucking go-karts for us, like just out of wood. You know how the go-karts that you just fucking race down your streets? No, we called them bogeys. The old guard used to call them bogeys.

Yeah, bogeys. Right. Which is that sort of thing. Like, how much are my grandkids going to miss out on? Like, my granddad going to miss out on like my my granddad gave me a fucking brilliant childhood just because he was able

to do cool things like that yeah do I have to do the same for my grandkids or is it my thing or is my thing going to be to my grandkids

hey do you want to go play Gears of War 3 yeah it's a shame isn't it because they used to upcycle everything it would be a couple

of pram wheels they would use pram wheels. They'd get a seat from the old plastic chairs that have come apart from their frame. So they'd repurpose that as the seat and they'd just use bits of plywood, like a two-by-four on that as the axle. A little rope steering thing from either thing.

Yeah. It would cut your fucking fingers off if you turned too much. My grandad made one, managed to get a little bit of extra wood managed to make the front of it kind of look like a shark nose so the whole fucking thing itself which is a shark fucking racing that down the streets where it is my dad my dad had dismantled a joystick you know for the amiga the joysticks used to just be it was basically just four buttons inside of it right for the left right up and down and all you're

doing with the joystick is pressing one of the buttons or pressing both of the buttons by going at an angle so you get the diagonal so pressing up and left will make you go diagonal left and that's how basic the controls were um and obviously the button that you press for shoot or fire or accelerate or whatever that was just one button so he took all of them buttons out and he made a wooden steering wheel and put the like left and right in the steering wheel so when you moved it it would click the button and he put the button for up and down on the um on the pedals so if you click the pedal it would accelerate and brake and then um and then the button that you used for whatever changing gear or whatever you would just put that on the steering wheel. And when you think about it,

it makes sense. That wasn't a genius. He was just resourceful. We're not resourceful. But that would never occur to me at all. Like, no. It doesn't help now to do that. Deconstructing a PlayStation

control pad. It's got its own fucking computer in it. It's there. Everything's beyond it the technology, like I'm a bit jealous in fact the people that grew up in my dad's age because they could actually keep up with technology, they could learn how it worked as it came out. Oh no my dad would argue nah man like there's teenagers that know fucking coding, we just weren't taught it. Like, I think we would pick up coding quite quickly. Like my dad taught himself

to fucking code. He taught himself to code when he was like nine years old. Yeah. Like it's, and there are, man,

there are fucking pensioners doing it. And anything a pensioner can do, I can do. Like if we wanted to code, we could code. In theory,

that should be like our next challenge together. We should learn to code and make a game. Yeah, I think it would be quite easy to code, we could code. In theory that should be like our next challenge together. We should learn to code and make a game. Yeah, I think it would be quite easy to code a Choose Your Own Adventure. I think that would be the way. Muggins and Cream Choose Your Own Adventure.

Yeah, that would be pretty cool because I used to code them on the Spectrum, like the Choose Your Own Adventure stuff because you could actually just start coding stuff on the Spectrum. Was it the Spect at the spectrum of the amiga i think it might have been the spectrum but uh i like and that was like you probably could get a program that was easy to code for stuff like that who knows like i know i know too little about it she'll get into it i mean no i mean i'll be honest with you guy i've got I don't have enough time on my hands at the moment

I'm like pretty fucking swamped but should should there ever be a two to three month period where I've got nothing on I'd love to but honestly can't right now I feel like

at the minute I haven't done anything spectacular apart from starting rebooting the podcast starting the live, I haven't done anything spectacular. Right, apart from rebooting the podcast, starting the live stream, I haven't done anything spectacular. I've just been watching all of the Marvel movies, which, fuck it, I'm loving watching them with Natalie.

It's so funny. Where are you up to? I've just watched Iron Man 3, so I've just done the first phase of Revenge. Iron Man 2 for us tonight. Is it? You're watching it chronological, aren't you? So you would have watched already, you would have watched Civil War, Marvel. No, no, no.

Civil War's miles away. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I meant the first Avenger. Sorry, that was my mistake. Aye. Yeah, so the one that was in the 40s. Aye. Was that not a Civil War? World War II? That's why I'm confused. I thought that was just, you know, Battle of Britain.

That's why it was called Battle of Britain. It was the one where we used atomic bombs. We were not very civil at all. So, yeah, so you've watched the first Avenger, Captain Marvel, Iron Man 1, and you're about to go Iron Man 2. I love how many familiar faces are in it that you didn't pick up on the first time around because the movies weren't as famous at the time.

But yeah, every time. That's not normally the type of movie Natalie watches. She watches probably more subtle dramas than full-blown action movies. She's never really been into them. But to go from not really being into action movies to watching the most ridiculous action you've ever seen, she's just watching it the whole time, just going...

I think I've heard her, I'm going to say a hundred times, just mumble, this is a disaster. I wish I'd had a links clicker. I wish I hadn't alerted her to it either. She's a bit more self-conscious of it now. But the amount of times they get into a pickle that they shouldn't be able to get out of. But that's the beauty of the Marvel movies.

It's the like, oh my God, how did he get out of this? Oh, he has a surprise. He's been working on 42 of the Iron Man costumes in the interim between movies, right? So like when before the reveal she's always like oh this is a disaster as if like

the producers the director the writer haven't thought about how they're going to get out of it well lads we've paid it a resemblance I didn't mean to do this but turns out Iron Man dies in Iron Man 1 who knew I'm sorry it was just hey jeff bridges has a had a bigger iron man suit and i just can't think of a way that our iron man would beat him i'm sorry it's over it's a disaster it's just like the time that we watched a mission

impossible fallout and you genuinely gasped out loud. I was high. You gasped out loud. You were so invested in the movie that you gasped out loud so much that my ears popped. Cullen got a nosebleed. Cullen always gets nosebleeds. That was the coke.

I think he just saw a woman. Oh, man. As much as you were like anti-girlfriend until you met Piggy, aren't you glad just as a non-celibate that you partnered up just before the quarantine? I'm sorry to people at home. But how's Colin Corbin? His eyes could... He just removed his ribs and that, started sucking

his own cock. First of all, snakes don't have ribs, guys. Do snakes not have ribs? Do they not have more ribs? Do they not have like a spine with like millions of ribs? I don't, I genuinely don't know.

But to be very sure if they have that many ribs you'd have to move loads of ribs no because they're bendy anyway I'm pretty sure a snake can suck its own dick

if they can eat their own tail they can suck their own dick aye so Colin Colin's out he's sucking his own toes so aye no he's alright he's kind of going to this stage

I think we're all at this point in the we're now in the quarantine we're now in the you know the fucking lockdown they're like it's going to be three weeks

and we all know it's going to be a lot more than three weeks but it's kind of like now that we're in the it was more nerve wracking where we you know

none of us knew what was going to happen I mean we still don't but it's just got to a point where it's the new normal like me and Piggy were saying today like every day like we're just doing nothing.

We're staying in the fucking house. We're living our life. We go on our walk every day and you stay two meters away from everyone else. And it's, you know, nobody's going to work properly. It's the new normal. It already feels like normal for them. Yeah, it's actually going to be weird to revert back. Yeah, because I found out, because we have pretty bizarre lives. Like when we go to a festival and it's like a to be weird to revert back um yeah because i found out what because

we have pretty bizarre lives like when when we go to a festival and it's like a 30-day festival i don't think this is a 30-day festival i think this is how i live now i just live like this i live at a festival and that's how i'm going to live my life and it could be a month it could be fucking 10 years i just this is my existence and i just i lock into that when i'm on yeah and when i when i'm on the tour i lock into that as well i'm just like oh this is how i live i go to an airport i go to a hotel i check in i do a gig i like i move around that's just that's my life and it's like it's the adaptability that i think we've developed that makes me just go cool this is how we live now also this is all I've wanted for

eight fucking years. Aye. I think we're a little bit too smug about it, actually. Oh, man, look. There's people dying as he coughs himself to death. Aye. Smoking fucking weed

every day, enjoying the time of my life. I tell you, I started doing my PT through Zoom smoking fucking weed every day enjoying the time of my life I tell you I started doing I started doing my PT through the through Zoom as well oh I think you didn't tell me

this on the podcast did you you just told me this in conversation so that's yeah I told you I told you this when we were

knitting together oh that's when it was yeah and it's good like it's good because for me my problem is like you're very good

at holding yourself accountable yeah you've always been very good at that thanks thanks man and i'm okay i'm okay at it like if you know to stop smoking was easy for me because i can hold myself accountable to that because i gave a shit about that i don't mind really what shape i'm in a lot of the time and especially now that i'm nesting i was like i'm not i know i won't force myself to be in shape i forget my personal trainers to keep doing it like i'm not myself to be in shape but if I get my personal trainers to keep doing it

like I'm not going to get into shape and it does work because you know just for me the act of paying him money I'm like well I should stay in shape in general now

otherwise it's a waste of money tell you the other side of things though the fact that he's not there to punish me he's like do one more set I'm like

how the fuck are you going to do about it ah you're getting cocky you're just wasting your are you going to do it are you getting cocky you're just wasting your money you're just spending money on just being cocky no no I'm still doing it

but it's like if when we're in the gym together because he can fucking spot me or like he'll be fucking sitting there because he's physically there

he can physically he's like do it or I'll wrestle you he's like do it or I'll box you do it or I'll make you do jiu jitsu you'll threaten him you're a fairly hollow threat make you do jiu jitsu next time he'll threaten you

you're a fairly hollow threat like you're still the presence of him but he wouldn't be able to punish you because he'd go right get on the fucking bike

do this I'm going to make you do something you fucking hate because I can physically make you do it whereas now I'm like man you leave your house

I'll get you arrested yeah and do you ever just look up at the screen and he's just there with a cigarette and a fucking pasty he's just telling you what to do he's just there with a cigarette and a fucking pasty, he's just telling you what it is. He's just masturbating the whole time.

He's just masturbating the whole time and he doesn't look like my personal trainer and he has a Russian accent. In hindsight, I might have phoned the wrong guy. Just wrong number. Totally wrong number. He's actually being interrogated. I went out for a little walk today. It's fucking yerry in London. It's so quiet, man. Even the roads, there's not much people driving places.

I guess because there's nowhere. The odd police car. It's weird because there's probably just as many police on the street as there was, but because the percentage of police cars is now 50% of the cars that you see. It just feels like it's, like, unless they haven't upped it, I don't know, it just felt like there was a big presence on the street compared to usual. Well, I think there is. I think, you know, because now they've got the powers to sort of enforce people fucking off home.

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, you know how I'm filled with shit opinions, right? Well, not necessarily just shit opinions, but you know, the one that's filling my brain right now, you see what we've done for all these fucking petulants, right? By locking ourselves in our homes.

Like even before there was a lockdown, I'd been self-isolating for 10 days because I was like, right, I can't afford to stay at home. Mostly it doesn't fucking affect me. It's not even for colour's benefit, but it's for the good of mankind. I'm going to stay in my house and I'm going to fucking self-isolate.

And I would say a large majority of our generation has done it. Yeah, of course, there's the occasional fucking few that aren't, right? And that's why the police have the powers. But most of the people, and I don't know anyone that's not self-isolated and done the fucking right thing, right?

And these fucking penknows can't pass climate change fucking stuff in Parliament. Like, I'm staying indoors every fucking day for three goddamn fucking months, right? And I guarantee when we get out of this, they're still going to vote against our future. Yeah,

that's true that they're not going to make any change towards the survival of our children. Well, this disease does not it can kill anyone. We all know it can fucking kill anyone. But it discriminates. It mostly kills it's the biggest threat to pensioners kill anyone. But it discriminates. It mostly kills.

It's the biggest threat to pensioners. And we're all right. Right. Do your fucking part. Stay in. Do it for them. And I guarantee you they'll do fuck all for us at the end of this. That is true.

I kind of see them changing their ways in any way. In fact, the pensioners are probably the ones that are mostly going out and about and just pottering around because they're setting their ways. Like we were saying about where adaptable. Like people who are old generally aren't adaptable. So like a lot of this will be just going, nah, you're not going to stop me doing this and going to the shop.

One thing I did want to bring up is your house party look class. Oh, well, I was going to wait until Callum was on the podcast and talk about it with him so he can explain himself. He was an absolute fucking mess. In fact, fuck it, I'll talk about it now and then I'll give you context now and then when he's on. Because Elliot's going to dive on any minute as well.

All right. So obviously we all were not allowed to leave our homes. So we decided that to just sort of it's me Cullen Grant

and Piggy in the house yeah when did Grant move in is that just a quarantine thing did he just need somewhere to go for lockdown yeah Grant's dad is high risk he's

like probably so and Grant was going to be in and out with his work anyway so he was a key work and his dad was high risk so they needed yeah so he just come and killed Cullen instead and his dad was high risk, so they needed the, yeah, so he just come and killed Cullen instead of his dad. Easy choice to make, actually.

I did, yeah. Oh, speaking of the devil. Oh, the devil cast his net. We were, here he is. Hello. Hi, Ryan. How's it going? I've got some very incriminating WhatsApp conversations from you

You're fucking drunk bum So this is just what we were about to explain So me, Colin Piggy Do you want to explain what the plan was on Friday? We were doing a Basically a bar crawl through the house It looked amazing

I saw Piggy's Insta and it looked awesome Yeah so basically each we each had to pick two separate rooms each

and theme those rooms and each room basically a theme of its own as a different bar and I had to

involve at least one drink in it right so and it was you would spend half an hour in each room

and then you move on to the next one the next person would explain the room and we would eventually get around eight bars within the house, just change the fucking scenery like a pub crawl So you had two bars each?

Yes So we started off the night I think it was you first? It was, yeah, I did, my first one was a child's, like a fort upstairs, so like a bed fort, like a, a fort upstairs. So like a bed fort and we drank under that for one. Nice.

Yeah, and we all had to wear, we all had to wear pan hats because it was a pandemic. Yes. nice. I like it. It's very cute.

You're fucking adorable, you call him. When your teeth and your claws are away. And then it was, my first one was the, oh yeah, mine was the Easter egg hunt

basically I got 10 Easter eggs and I wrote down 10 spirits and 10 oh no 5 spirits and 5 mixers

I saw this and some people got just mixers and some people got just alcohol so you come back with 3

hopefully it's a lovely cocktail, you make something nice, or what can happen is you can be piggy and you can get vodka, whiskey and gin, and then Colin who ended up with coke, coke and lemonade. Aye, this isn't helping. Elliot Steele's just joined the meeting.

Is he? It came up at the top and said Elliot Steele has joined joined the meeting but then it disappeared I think he is drunk though so yeah so Cullen got all the soft drinks how does this explain how wild he was on the WhatsApp

so we managed to you were allowed to swap so they all swapped to make sure it was alcoholic then our third bar was in the Tesla because it was carpool karaoke. So we all had, what was the drink? We all had whiskey sires, essentially. Did you know this?

Did you know that Cullen used to be a barman? A barman? Yeah. Did you? For years. I didn't know that this is what he does right me and Piggy talk about this all the time every now and then

you'll just mention something and then Cullen will just come out with a ludicrous fact about himself which is partly fucking true here's the list of what we heard right so he used to make cocktails right then my mum and dad got a new coffee machine and he's like oh I used to be a barista no he didn't

he was right he goes oh I've interviewed got a new coffee machine. He's like, oh, I used to be a barista. That was the same hotel, yeah. He was, right, we're watching, he goes, oh, I've interviewed, I've interviewed Tony Hawk.

No, I haven't interviewed Tony Hawk, I met Tony Hawk at the college, yeah. Right, he met Tony Hawk. Who was the one you interviewed then? Avicii,

that Nelson just talked about. What? Is that the one that died? Yeah. Well, he was very nice. Was he the one you met at very nice. You interviewed Mel C? You interviewed Mel C?

Is that the sporty one? Yeah. It was great. Anyway, so we get into the... So he made a whiskey sandwich. We get into the test, how we do Carpool Calliope. Then we go to my third one,

which was Battleshots. You ever played that? Battleshots, yes. I'm aware of battle shots it's like um but if you hit the ship you have the shot they have the shot exactly all right so that was that was when things started again a lot like that was you know it was shots of mickey fins which is essentially apple sewers that'll be super messy because if you've got one of them boats that's like four long if you tag one of them

you're going to tag the rest in quick succession so there was three boats there was one that was three long which was

three apple sours which isn't that fucking hard then there was another one that was three long which was three bailings long

that's not hard that's not that bad and the one that was two and it was two people on a team right got you so you could

so you could split it so it wasn't too fucking bad because that could be the end of the night right there if they were our bodies no no it wasn't that wasn't really that bad

it wasn't really that bad we went to Piggy's room it was a cheesy pop sort of bar thing so she made us you know when you put a fucking straw

in a bottle of Smirnoff ice and you shoot it back I don't know what you used to call it in Blythe. That's a shotgun. You used to just shoot it? Yeah. We call it straw-pedoing. Straw-pedo, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah. Because you can shotgun a drink, but straw-pedo is like, yeah, that's the more specific name for it. She made us straw-pedo two fucking Smirnoff ices and then do a bunch of shots in her room oh no I think it was just one shot but at this point

we all realised Colin hadn't eaten anything that day we had only had a bacon sandwich at the morning and then completely fucking

you probably need a Gaviscon as well after all those sugary drinks like the apple sours and the Smirnoff Ices and all that you'd fucking

have such indigestion and I'm showing my age right now it seems like heartburn waiting to happen talking about doing a bar crawl and he's just like did you not have any rainies on you

must have been sore in the morning it was like the ultimate getaway it was like the ultimate getaway because I just got very drunk then we went up to the other one was in the ultimate getaway because I just got very drunk. Then the other one was in the living room, so it was Grant's first room.

And it was a cocktail bar and it was called Pandemic and Sons. Oh, like Pandemic and Sons. Nice. The cocktail bar. Perfect. And he made us some cocktails. And at this point, we were pretty fucking drunk. And then Peggy's final, her last room was,

it was a casino where she'd invented her own dice game, but was so drunk that she couldn't explain her own dice game. So just got angry and told us to do shots at random points. Nice. And then... Was that like when Jimmy McGee tried to play a game called Turbo Bunnies, where you had to put your fingers up like ears, and if you had two fingers or one finger or no fingers, it depended on, and nobody

got the game, and everybody, just in the middle of the night out, had bunny ears on, going, Jimmy, what the fuck are we doing? What's this Turbo Bunnies? Right, this is just a shite game that you've made us play. Can I not just have a pint? Right. And that was also, I went to the toilet at one point during the casino,

came back in to see Piggy and Colin doing, just doing straight shots of vodka out of the bottle. And then that was my every Wednesday night. I saw a lot of that on Instagram as well. Like it did explain for a lot when, because basically where we were, what day was it, Friday? Aye.

Yeah, because I'd had a couple of bottles of wine, so I was a bit drunk myself. But during the day, me and Milo had bought a cameo from Tom Horton to create a song about Cullen and just fed him with a bunch of stuff. And Tom fucking nailed it, right? It was so amazing. And he put on a tuxedo to perform it, and he played the piano well. He done it and all that. It was belter.

And then, so we got everyone in the group so we could drop this song in. And Cullen just started going, like, Hello, Elliot. Oh, it is? Nope. All right, mate. Right, I don't know how to,

oh, gallery view. There, I can see all of you now if you put it on gallery view you can see each other Elliot there hold on in a minute I'll tag you in

so the the song was meant but Cullen didn't even acknowledge the song he just started tagging utter shit like it made zero sense

and and it was I said I said yeah I said that I obviously either didn't watch it or completely Forgot about it because the next day I watched it

That was my first time watching it again Oh was it? Because you were just like slagging Tom off But like not even acknowledging that He just created a masterpiece for you I was like the disrespectful piece of shit Are you drinking Elliot? Get Elliot in here I'm just having a Peroni

Have you been drinking all day though? How's your quarantine going? It's alright I've been very ill The last couple of weeks But I'm on the other side of it now So have you had coronavirus? Yeah I think so

But like a very mild form of it Colin have you got it as well But it looks a bit No No I think I wouldn't be here sorry, but like a very mild form of it. Colin, have you got it as well by the looks of it? No, no, I think I wouldn't be here. There's a little ghost on my shoulder. He's got it. Why, that's what I have to do by the looks of it.

Colin's got a flesh-eating disease, but it's run out of flesh to eat. It's run its course. You know what I'd want to know? What would you do with my body if I died where would you bury me I'd just step over

it and I'd crack on I might just take a lollipop stick up your back and use you as a scarecrow actually my family

would probably be fuming if you did something with the body before them they've got dibs I imagine it would be like one of the ghosts at the end of The Last Ark where you just

flew into the air or something. You're just thinking more Casper. I'd put strings on your cullen, but not the puppeteer here, the flyer like a kite. Like a very light thunderbird get you stuck up a tree in that

what was the worst part about the virus the barbers being closed by the looks of it this is going to sound very she's on a grandma it would this is going to sound very arrogant and disrespectful

we know who you are right okay let's get it over it's if you get it and you get it mildly don't tell anyone you've got it because the amount of people who start messaging you will start freaking you out like oh should I be taking this more seriously

like it was it was just like if I went up the stairs I was fucked you're fucked yeah so anyone who died of it deserves to go that's what I say that again Elliot

cut off a little bit at this end oh sorry personally I think anyone who dies of it deserves to go if I can make it through it then there is no excuse do you still live with your dad?

aye my dad's in a lot of trouble he asked me to self quarantinequarantine in my room, but the biscuits he kept downstairs, so really it's his own fault. This is all just a battle for biscuits in your house. That's what the coronavirus is to you, a battle for biscuits.

It's going to be mad when... Thousands of people on ventilators, and you're like, where's my hobnobs? That's what it came down to. Do you not think it's mad that like in 40 years time we're gonna be interviewed by schools and all that about what it was like because that historical event like they're gonna want to do like school stuff on it so do you think we'll be like over do you think we'll be over exaggerating what it was like or do you think we'll actually represent it exactly how it was that we're just fucking we spent all our time

on house party just fucking getting drunk and playing Call of Duty Warzone I love your I'll absolutely

I will absolutely turn myself into a victim will you I'll absolutely yeah man I'll fucking milk it I remember

my gran right talks about World War 2 and surviving it right you know she talks about being like II and surviving it, right? You know, she talks about being in, like,

during the bombings and stuff, having to go to the air raid shelters, right? But she lived in Glasgow and that was like literally, I'm pretty sure it was almost, it was never bombed. Yeah, sure.

I thought Glasgow was hit hard. I thought Glasgow was hit pretty hard. It's got some fucking explaining to do, if not. Yes. You're probably kidding me. It should be. It should have been head-hard, aren't it? I think it might have been.

Birmingham got pep, didn't it? You can tell that by looking at it. Jesus Christ, absolutely. It was fucked up 28 times. I thought so. I thought you were showing a bit of ignorance there. Or maybe it was Edinburgh. I feel like basically a Holocaust in here.

Edinburgh wouldn't have gotten hit much. You can tell by looking at towns. If you look at Birmingham, it's got old architecture next to these concrete post-war buildings that have clearly been popped up. Was the nuclear bomb landed on Blythyn? Yeah.

Turns out I have to phone my gran after this and apologise to her because I've been acting like she's been a pussy for most of my life. I love that your gran's telling you about running to an air raid shelter and you're just like, oh, what a senile cunt. She survived

death from above 22 occasions and you're like, I know. Turns out lots of people died turns out this is like one of those movie scenes where he keeps looking at the pictures from them days and his gramblers and all the pictures and he slowly starts to realise yeah I was chatting to

a lass I used to work with she was the cleaner at the sports centre and like an older bird. And she was there. She was talking about her auntie who was alive during World War II. She says that it was different to this because there was a lot more like you could still socialise. You could still go into the pubs and the clubs and go and run each other's houses. So like there was a lot more of like a unity about it. She's like, you'd fear the alarms going off, the siren sorry you'd fear that but she says this is like fucking dark and bleak

because like it's it's lonely and um no wait it's not lonely for us because we used wi-fi i'm talking about a fucking old woman that was in the war she's not on house party it's not darker like this isn't like putting loads of jews in camps and gas in them and trying to invade europe this is just a disease i get what i get what you're saying there mate i just mean the the existence on home soil i reckon there was people even back in world war ii who were like do you see the same way people go out now when they're just ignoring their social distancing thing? I bet there was someone who was like, I've left my lights on since 1920 and I'll

be damned if I'm turning them off now. You'd be like, no, you're going to get the whole street blown up, Dave, you cunt. People set in their ways. That's what I talked about before. People stuck in their ways to kind of adapt to it. Oh, it's ridiculous. It's like the coronavirus challenge thing. Have you seen that? Licking stuff. Oh, it's ridiculous.

It's like the coronavirus challenge thing. Have you seen that? Licking stuff. No, what's that? Licking the toilet seat. Like they deserve, it'd be great if they all died. Even without the underlying health thing,

it's so funny. I'm pretty sure, I think one of the ones who licked the toilet seat definitely has it. He has it? The one that licked the supermarket aisle, apparently he got done for terrorism. Man, imagine that.

Imagine him in Guantanamo with all the real Al-Qaeda and ISIS motherfuckers. They're just attaching fucking car batteries to his nipples, being like, what else did you lick? He can't erase God. If there was such a thing as heaven and you landed up in Peter and you're just like, well you wouldn't be in their heaven, but you'd be like, right, look, I fucked up.

I didn't think it would kill me and loads of people. To the likes. Just trying to get a couple of shares Elliot excuse you Elliot you're the type of guy that wouldn't lick the pools well he does that at the strip clubs

after hours he hides until it empties out. And then after hours, just licks the pools. Kai, you were saying that you think that, well, we'd be over-exaggerating or anything. Not, but only today, BBC were showing, like, just, like, aerial views of, like, Edinburgh and then over to New York City and other cities.

And it was kind of, like, exactly, like, every horror film related to it but the reason it's scary in the other movies is because like when the streets are empty and 28 days later you know it's because everyone's dead when they're like look how empty Edinburgh is and I'm like I know they're all

just in those buildings having a wank 28 days later it'd be a lot less scary if you knew everyone was indoors making bread no matter how scary that music is

they're like Glasgow is dessert I'm like everyone's watching Ant and Dec Saturday night take away brilliant

I love you Killian Murphy just walking down the street looking through people's windows and they're fucking shutting the curtains so they can have some privacy. Well, they start their eighth season of The Simpsons.

Did you see the video of someone in central London panning around with people clapping the NHS and then it stops at a window, zooms in, and it's just a bloke having a tug? It's fucking incredible. I'll find it there. If somebody sent it to me, I'll find it and forward it on to you. It's fucking hilarious. Maybe that's how he thanks the NHS.

I kind of think of it as one gun salute. I mean, let's be honest. We're all sitting here being judgmental, but I imagine everyone in this video message is being masturbating way more. Although, we're all self-employed, so it's probably sane, actually. I saw your stand-up video about you trying to just work out so you can get a sweater on so you can justify going for a shower so you can have a wank.

Aye. Have any of you guys been keeping up with the conspiracy theorists? That's right up your alley, Elliot. I've been keeping up with the Kardashians. The what?

The Kardashians. I've been keeping up. Keeping up with the Kardashians. Just because that didn't come out properly, Elliot, I thought you were going to say are you keeping up with the Kardashians?

Is that what you said? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Have you kept up with conspiracy theories, Elliot? What that what you said yeah yeah yeah because yeah hey you kept up with conspiracy theories elliot what's the best one you've seen um the best one i've seen is chinese state media saying that this was made by the us given to a cyclist who then went to wuhan from america and in saudi china yeah so china's trying to say that it's America but the other one as well is that this is

a this was like invented by Russia to give the rest of the world communism which once again has started the great conspiracy theory where no one really understands what communism actually is Oh absolutely, it's given socialism

It's given the virus. Share in the virus. Yeah, everyone gets it. Cullen, what's the best conspiracy theory you've seen? I remember the cause. I remember the cause. Right, you know, Jim Corr, the one guy in the band. Yes. So he's Ireland's premier, like, conspiracist,

like, David Icke type stuff. And he's been putting tweets and walking around going like, look, they're not even really testing people it's all a hoax and you're like surely by this stage you realise it can not be a hoax

surely you know somebody that's had it by now yeah yeah you know Elliot's had it he's basically he's our one well Elliot

no Cat and Woodsy have had it properly Elliot I'm not sure because like he like every like fashionable illness that's gone round.

Oh God, I knew you were going to fucking say this at some point. Fuck off. I could be sat here fucking dying of AIDS just wasting away

and there's nothing left of us. People are like oh, I'm putting it on. Because AIDS hasn't been cool since the 90s. If it was the 90s you would have been sat there

saying you had AIDS. Whatever as in whatever people are talking about no way would I say I have AIDS I not know it's yesterday's news

just because just you know AIDS is a bit more serious like it it stops your social life a bit more people

people don't want to fuck your bear back but this this is seriously people don't want to fuck you at all now. I bet there's a lot of love stories happening right now. A lot of people that are like,

on the text now, lad, and they kind of see each other. Did you guys see the Grindr tweet about the guy that just asked the guy to stick his dick through the letterbox? No, but you're going to tell us. Well, that is it. There you go.

A conversation. Was there a closure to it? No, no, it was just a tweet. Was there a stamp on it? There was. Oh, God. I've seen a picture This isn't really a long story

I found the punchline Was he delivering the mail? Get off this Sorry Did you see the oldest couple They're not a couple sorry But the oldest people in England Are still surviving it

Are they? They're both 112 And they were both born, not they weren't both born today, that would make no sense. They were born on the exact same day and they're both 112 now. Wow, so they had, yeah.

Wow, that's fucking crazy. They would have been a person to ask about which wars, you know, the world, you know, world wars. So, sorry to pause. What was this, World War I? We lost mostly all of that. Say that again, Daniel? No, it's too late.

I'm nervous now. Everyone's watching. But now I can hear you. No, I'm scared. I don't want to go stage fright. I can't. Were you both saying at the same time that they're the people that you want to ask

what was worse, this or War 2? I just like that how much they were actually exaggerating World War 1 and 2. Just be like, what was World War 2 and a pandemic? They fixed a lot of the numbers after World War 2, let me tell you that. Oh, here we go. You know what would be interesting?

It doesn't matter how we exaggerate it, how we play the victim in it and all that, or however we sell it in the future. They're going to be able to look back at our tweets and our memes. If we could look back at the tweets and memes of the general population in 1944, we'd probably be a bit more lighthearted about the whole thing. Imagine, is that going to be a new thing

in the future rather than before you die you have to delete your browser history like God I need to leave some banging memes behind in the folder. That's all the future eulogy is going to be is just them going through your meme collection and how good it is depends on how sad

people are that you're dead. Elliot Steele was the dankest man I knew Dankest I was like what the fuck The memes have been brilliant though I've been enjoying Oh man it's been very very it's been very very

unifying also the other thing that's been very unifying via the other thing that's been very unifying via the memes I get most of my news from memes nowadays and most of my movie recommendations and my TV recommendations we are one episode away from the end of Tiger King has anyone else

watched it? Oh my god we're in the last episode now who are you Elliot? I'm on the last episode now. Okay, no spoilers. Who are you, Elliot? No spoilers. I'm on the last episode. But why did I stop watching it? I had to stop watching it because I watched all of them in one day.

I recommended it to you. Come on, Elliot. Right, Elliot. You can't clearly recommend this when it's all everybody's talking about. It's in the WhatsApp group, Danny. You're literally announcing it. I did. Yes. You said it was well. he's talking about I get it Eddie but you can't claim to have discovered it it's literally all

anybody's talking about right now I've been recommending I've been recommending the Marvel movies to people. Just finished episode two. Well, that's the one. We'll not talk about it too much because I do genuinely think people need to watch it.

We'll talk about it in the next podcast. People need to watch it because it is just one of the most mental things I've ever seen in my life. Right, so let's all finish watching it by the next podcast and we'll be afraid to watch it because it is just one of the most mental things I've ever seen in my life. Right, so let's all finish watching it by the next podcast and we'll go back over it. Aye. Right, so that's

People's Homework. Go and watch that because I'm episode two. So it's worth the hype. It's fucking crazy. It's like, it's one of them things where it's so America.

Aye. It's that like, you know how the Land of the Free? It's like, oh, the two free. Don't be free to do that. Aye.

I just can't believe, and the only thing I'll say is I just can't believe how open they are on camera about everything. What, being gay? Yeah. That's all I took from it. Ryan James Cullen. Have you boys ever watched The Staircase? I'm not that bored yet. No.

I've been watching The Back Door. Sorry, I was just doing shit puns about parts of the house. I live in a flat. It didn't even make that much sense. Dad joke? Absolute dad joke. What's the staircase? It was like a seven-part documentary

about a guy whose wife was found dead at the bottom of a staircase. And he was like, she fell down the stairs and it takes seven episodes for you to go no i think he killed her did he kill her he absolutely killed her like a hundred percent he killed he's in jail for it and he keeps trying to get an appeal so the last two episodes he's trying to get this appeal and even his own lawyer's like yeah, I just don't want to do this case anymore because you clearly have killed your wife. That's something if the defence lawyer develops a conscience.

He's like, yeah, I've got a nice car out of this, but you definitely killed the bitch. I'm not saying she didn't deserve it. That's where I am on your side. That just reminds me of that fucking tag, I'm not saying she deserved it, but that's what she gets. Good follow-up. Also, speaking of

recommendations, just one of everyone's recommendations while we're in this fucking isolation. To anyone that's not seen the movie MacGruber or it's... MacGruber? MacGruber. Cliff Notes. Give me some Cliff Notes. M-A-C-G-R-U-B-E-R.

Will Forte is this great ex-eternal actor. It's basically, it's just that he's the world's worst fucking secret agent spy sort of guy but less

Johnny English more Anchorman it's like it's middle ground between like Naked Gunnish but not as not as

outright slapstick you know MacGyver yeah it's a play on that it's a fucking piss take of that I've never seen

MacGyver I watched it nobody hasGyver I watched it nobody has but you know that I watched the it's only known because of the Simpsons I swear to God

yes MacGyver MacGyver MacGyver MacGyver yeah I watched This Is 40 or whatever it's called

with Paul Rudd anything with Paul Rudd in I'll watch big big fan he's dreamy 40 or whatever it's called with Paul Rudd. Anything with Paul Rudd in, I'll watch. Big fan, he's dreamy. The way you said that, it went... I'm lying on my front with my fist on my face,

my legs kicking back behind us anything with Paul Rudd in off camera just on his notepad it's just Kai Rudd Kai Rudd lots of love hearts he deserves so much more than Phoebe

he does I tweeted that the other day he's too good for Phoebe. That was the biggest miscast that made a career. He was so miscast, they should have picked someone way further down the chain than Paul Rudd. As a man.

Who would that be? Steve Buscemi? Aye, maybe. Maybe, aye. Aye. Like, maybe. Maybe, aye. But, like, Ant-Man, I wasn't expecting to like Ant-Man because just the premise of it

is just fucking stupid. But then Paul Rudd coming out of it, I was just like, literally anything. Literally put him in anything. You're basically like, it didn't really matter

what it is. It's just Paul Rudd. Is that what you're saying? Aye. I'm like what Danny is with The Rock but with Paul Rudd any movie he's not done a bad movie

he's not capable of it other movies are generally all bad but he just makes them awesome Tooth Fairy is not a good film what is it? Tooth Fairy Tooth Fairy with The Rock. I disagree. I respectfully disagree.

Your own opinion is a good thing. You know it's not good. The Tooth Fairy is not The Rock's worst movie. What a ridiculous claim. That cinnamon scene was very funny. It was one of The Rock's first comedic roles. No, it does not

but to claim it's Rock's worst movie is just factually inaccurate. Okay, well what's his worst movie? I mean Schindler's List. Proper tanked out corpse. I'm sure He's a proper tanked out corpse. He was the girl in the little red dress.

I'm sure I've put the rock in Schindler's List before. This isn't the first time, as a bit, we have put the rock in Schindler's List. Imagine a rock in Schindler's List in the sniper scene. I think we've said it enough times we've said it enough times now people are going to start to think it we've put it in their head a couple of times they're going to forget they heard it on the podcast and go

oh hi that happened the Mandela effect we did talk about it it would be the worst film you could put The Rock in it would just ruin it just ruin the whole atmosphere. I reckon My Sister's Keeper.

I've never seen that one. Well, you don't want to. It's very grim. E.T. where the rock plays E.T. Just doing a front wheelie trying to get off the ground. Pedal harder. Just in a front wheelie trying to get off the ground I think the film The Rock

With The Rock in it It would just be a bit too alright I see what you've done there When Harry met Sally and when he plays Sally The speaker cut out there on you but it said when Harry met Sally and the Rock plays Sally right the speaker cut out there on you but it said when Harry met Sally and the Rock plays Sally

right shall we go on to one more I think what's eating Gilbert Grape but the Rock is the Down Syndrome boy yeah but who does he play I reckon the Rock just playing himself I left what? Yeah but who did he play?

Eric in The Rock just playing himself Right what were you saying Danny plugs Elliot Go plug your things because we've got to go

have dinner Right have you got dad jokes? Yeah I've got dad jokes Sweet So I want to I'm available for cameos if you want to buy personalised messages for your friends that's the type of

horror I'm doing now also you can watch all three of my shows that you can buy on my website www.kaihumphries.com so if you'd like to keep me alive and be entertained that's your jam Elliot what you got I'm just on Twitter ElliotStillCom.

I've been absolutely banging out Twitter at the moment because I've got fuck all else to do. You've done some good videos too. Watch Elliot's Muay Thai videos. Very funny. Cullen? Where me and Gareth Wall have a podcast, Clearing the Bloodiest,

and we're going to start a Patreon. There's going to be loads of extra videos and stuff like that over the next while we're going to be doing it. So that's going to be loads of extra videos and stuff like that over the next while we're going to be doing. So that's going to be our big moneymaker for a bit. Class. So find Ryan and Gareth on that and Daniel's on Netflix, aren't you?

Sorry, what did you say? Try again. I have to do the film. Do it one more time. Anything I've done, you've all already consumed. Have you seen Iron Man 3 when he's walking around the party with his name tag on saying,

you know who I am? No? Christ. Christ, tough crowd. You know I'm on Iron Man 2. We had this conversation. You've seen it before. Do you think that's the fucking scene

I remember from that movie? I would like to see him where the rock comes into it. That's quite hard. He plays one of the suits. I'd like to see Paul Rudd claiming him. Right, shall we do some dad jokes? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop.

What goes on there? Is it when you both talk at the same time? No, it's Daniel sitting miles away from the microphone. Yeah, I think it pulls the mic if you move away. He did it the other way on your Insta Live as well. He decided, should I use good sound quality? Excuse me, this isn't the criticism part of the podcast. This is the your dad joke part of the podcast.

Let's bring up this technique. Your dad didn't teach you how to use a fucking microphone. Your dad didn't teach you fucking professionalism. Let's do this off air. You've got a problem with bad delivery. We'll talk about this away from the fans. Do you call me out on my own podcast? I was going to

cut off his Patreon instead then. Hi. Is it me to go then? Yes. Right. Kai, your dad says he can throw his voice, but all he actually does is whisper a sentence into his hand

and then blows it like a kiss. Elliot, the holes in your dad's socks are so big he keeps putting them on upside down. Elliot, your dad did a coronavirus challenge and got AIDS. Elliot, your dad did a coronavirus challenge and got AIDS. Colin, your dad left your mum because he heard COVID was 19. Elliot, when I asked your dad if he knew how long the human intestines were, without hesitation, he replied 4,822 Maltesers exactly. Don't

ask me how I know that, as if I wasn't the one that drove him to hospital that day. That's right, he asked the question. Colin, your dad, wait for it, Colin, your dad wait Cullen your dad washes his hands

with toothpaste because he used it while the soap was washing his teeth right your dad only ever lost weight

running for class president Daniel your dad missed your sister's birth because he didn't answer the call

as he was the furthest he'd ever been playing snake that would be so annoying if your phone starts ringing in the middle of a game you'd have to hang up

and then restart playing it aye for the birth of your child Colin your dad says he can tell the colour of paint by its taste. Daniel, your dad would pretend to breastfeed you when you were a baby

using the boob apron that he's got to bait people into complaining in Starbucks. Elliot, your dad is dual exotic I fucking wish Kai your dad still reckons doggins going ahead this Tuesday he's going to be

disappointed it's because he doesn't have a car Ryan your dad also says he can tell the colour of a person by the smell Elliot your dad screams my body my choice while stood outside the park windmilling his cock Daniel, your dad

makes breakfast in bed because he's forced to sleep in the kitchen Kai, your dad demanded to be given a ventilator after walking up a flight of stairs after he visited your nan in hospital i like the demanded uh very bossy we're done um yes me no sorry ryan your dad also says he can tell the colour of a baby by the sound it makes when you drop it. Blue. A soft thud.

I know that. Ryan, your dad puts cement up his nostrils to stop him taking coke, but now he just hoovers it up with a rolled-out note in his mouth. Kai, your dad's CV is just a VHS tip of him sliding down a wall slowly crying. Daniel, your dad traded all the house for his food for a Ray Mysterio 2002

highlight reel on VHS yeah he can he can watch it at night can he can he

can he can he can he can he can he can he can he can he

can he can he can he can he can he can he can he can he

can he can he can he can he can he can he can he can he

can he can he can he can he can he can he can he can he

can he can he can he can he can he can he can he can he

can he can he can he can he can he can he can he can he

can he excuse you alright lads that is an hour. Looking to see you next time. Stay safe. Wash your hands. Bye, guys.

Take care, boys.