Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 4. Gaycation

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

No guests, just a classic Muggins and Cream original, lots of talk about porn and self isolation (if you know what I mean) they pit their gay friends off against each other in a hypothetical duel and that bit wasn't even in the hypotheticals section. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys On The Road, recorded on Wednesday the 2nd of April for your Thursday quarantine needs. Hi, I'm Muggins. Hi, I'm Cream. And we are Muggins and Cream. Oh, this is... Well, thank God I have such good improv skills

because that caught me off guard. You nailed it. Well, thank God I have such good improv skills, because that caught me off guard. You nailed it. Thank you very much. I thought my mouth was open, just shocked in a very pleasant way that it wasn't a fucking appalling introduction for the first time in seven years. I mean, it felt a little bit radio-ish. It did, but obviously I prefer that to what you've done for most of this. Aye.

So this time I've got you on speakerphone because your internet's lousy. So I phoned your house. I think our audio's getting worse as the weeks go on. You know how I promised everyone it would get better? Aye. It's fucking pirate radio, man. I think it's God just trying to push our podcast into the crowd just

really make people hang on in there and listen like they're listening with like all the annoying shit like the sound aye it is the real test because not only is the banter not what it used to be but the quality is also generally getting worse. I mean, to stay on listening at this point, you do have a problem.

Aye. Yeah, you're desperate for company at this point. Aye, it's a bit sad, quite frankly. Because usually as well, we're on tour when we do this, when we do it this regular, we're on tour. So we've always got like a really fucking interesting thing that's happened in some wild country. So it's like, it's novel thing that's happened in some wild country.

So it's novel. It's a novel podcast, usually. I've watched about six more Avenger movies since the last time I saw you, so we can talk about that. All right. And you're doing them in the chronological order. Did you watch Hulk? I didn't watch Hulk. That's the correct choice to make.

Yeah, I read up on that. It said really hardcore fans will have to get it elsewhere, but you're not really missing much if you just want to indulge in the universe. No, it's basically because of the fact that it's an entirely different Bruce Banner. It's fucking... Is it Ed Norton in that one? It's Ed Norton, yeah,

and they've done that with a few characters, actually. Falcon was different. James Rhodes was different in Iron Man 1 to the rest of it. It's Don Cheadle from Iron Man 2 onwards. Aye. Somebody else as well. There is somebody... Oh, yeah.

In the first two Iron Man movies, it's a hard spot. But it is there. Pepper Potts was originally played by The Rock Of course, yeah I nearly didn't notice that when Gwen Stefani took over, I was like wow Gwen Stefani

You know who I meant I mean I do know who you meant but it's not Gwen Stefani You know, she's got she's got later fluid the smell of her fanny I mean, I do know you, but it's not Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani? No, that's Gwyneth Paltrow. Aye, she's got candles that smell like her gash. but that is that is Pepper Potts is Pepper Potts Gwyneth Paltrow

yes yes aye so Gwyneth Paltrow I mean this is topical humor for two fucking months ago but yeah

Gwyneth Paltrow had candles that smelled like a vagina but that might like she's already said she's like it was misinterpreted from the documentary

I think what it is is that anytime somebody fucks her afterwards they light a candle

to get blood in the smell I you know like the match after a shit

can you remember did the noise next door used to have that as a host rule

at the fringe can you remember that it does sound like a rule

they would have had improv troupe the noise next door had a rule

that if you have a poo in the bathroom, light a match. What is the thing behind the light of the match? I don't know.

It doesn't set fire. It's not like it goes and just fills the room with a flame, burns your eyebrows off. The thing doesn't go. If you've taken a shit, kill yourself immediately afterwards. That would be a little bit harsh. Even for the noise next door, that would be quite harsh.

I don't even use air freshener. I can see it's there. But the only thing worse than the smell of my shit is the smell of my shit perfumed. No, I do the opposite. I just suck it in. Don't make us enjoy it. No, no. I breathe it in and don't make us enjoy it no no I breathe it in I breathe it in

and out lots and lots just like dead fast like I'm hyperventilated and just use myself as a sort of filtration system if you will aye I feel

I feel like putting air freshener there you're disguising the smell that's there to warn you the warning is this shouldn't be going in your face

it's like you know you shouldn't anaesthetise all pain because pain's a warning that you're gonna damage your body i like if you had the choice if you had the choice i do think pain should come with the option of i pain should come with a fucking snooze option like i fucking get it like you know when you you know you've got like a like if you've got like a fucking cut right you've

cut yourself and you've done everything you've cleaned it you've bandaged it you've covered it up and it's still sore you're like i've done it i've done it though so just shut the fuck up i wanted one of them pills where your ass starts ripping and you can see that you can see the blood you look between your legs you can see the blood well no not that well you would keep the pain. I just... I think you need to understand that most other people don't, like, have a whatsoever... It's not a contusion.

Fisher. Most people don't have to cauterise their asshole after a shit. When the shelves were empty with toilet roll, I wasn't like, oh, how am I going to wake my bum?

I was like, how am I going to stem the bleeding? Just don't buy lots of wine to get the cold balls. Aye. I haven't bled in a little while, actually. You what? I haven't bled in a while. From your asshole?

Aye, not since Antigua. Why wouldn't it stop at this? Just squatties, innit? Gave for the stay. why wouldn't Zoppet do just squaddies innit gay for the stay gay for the stay

on just all inclusive holders weirdly I know instead of a staycation

it's a gaycation gaycation I had a gaycation with Zoppet but you know what maybe

that's gaycation surely that must be But you know what? Maybe that's... Gaycation, surely that must be something. There's no way we invented that before the gays did. It's the first time I've heard it. Yeah, but that's because we don't hang around

with that many gays. I'll text Trey Kill after this. And see if gaycation's a thing already. Aye. Whether it's just like what they call going on holiday

or whether it's like a particular thing like where two straight people go on holiday or whether it's like a particular thing like where like two straight people going on holiday together to be gay just for the gaycation. Yeah because bromance and mandate aren't as good as gaycation and they're the ones that lead in the vernacular. But I would say gaycation was more it was genuinely like you're gay for the whole vacation like the entire time you're in Tantico or your second day, but when you get home, business as usual. So do you think a straight guy that isn't bi does something gay?

Well, no, he's probably a bi guy, but like his female partner is like, you're allowed to dabble in the other things. But you know the postcode rule, that with hemispheres. Yeah, so you're allowed to dabble in the other things, but you know the postcode rule, that with hemispheres. Yeah, so you're allowed to have a gaycation. Aye, you can go away, you can suck as much dick as you want while you're in Lanzarote, but if you suck any dick on this island, it's over. So is it like, you know,

if I went with a bloke, even though I'm married, and Natalie was like, you cheated on us, and I'm like, I didn't cheat, I was on a gaycation. Is it like a loophole? I don't think it's a bloke, even though I'm married, and Natalie was like, you cheated on us. I'm like, I didn't cheat. I was on a gaycation. Is it like a loophole? I don't know. Obviously, I'm not gay, so I didn't have a gay.

So that should be fine. It was all for him. I was doing the Lord's work. Actually, quite the devils. The devils. Anyway, if gaycation has been used before, Big Gay Ryan will text me because he listens to this podcast. Oh, yeah, he'll know. And he'll know.

And if it's new to him... You're gay. I've got my gay critic. You've got your gay, Big Gay Ryan. Yeah. And now we can get away with saying anything. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I was going to go the other direction

and just point out to people that we actually fight them. We fight them. I reckon my gay could chin your gay. Fuck off. Big Gay Right could be up Craig Hill. Shut your mouth. What are you talking about? I just think it's a mismatch.

He outweighs them, you know? No. Big Gay Right could beat Craig Hill in a fight. What are you talking about? I'm talking about this, right? Anyone in the heavyweight division could probably beat the best person in the

welterweight division but I think not to do Ryan a disservice I just don't think he's ever thrown a punch before whereas Craig is from Eastcote he's taken a punch before

Ryan's from Blythe aye but yous are all Yous are all sweethearts to him Aye They'll probably just start wrestling And kissing and that We're both there We're both there

Just because they're gay Doesn't mean they're attracted to each other That's like assuming all dogs know each other Cockfighting Cockfighting we'd both be on the outskirts of the arena waving my money and all that, egging my guy on, and we'd just be like, stop, stop kissing him. Cockfighting. Cockfighting.

Oh, I haven't seen. Tickle is that. I'll tell you what, I want to explain something to you now. I'm going to take a picture, I'm going to say it, so you can fucking tweet about it,

just for podcast listeners who can understand what I'm on about. But to give context, I'm in one of a picture I'm going to send it to you and you can fucking tweet about it, just so podcast listeners can understand what I'm on about. But to give context, I'm in one of the rooms in my house, and I'm lying on a big bag on the floor. It's the room that I play PlayStation in. Now, I'm stoned as fuck. The light is streaming in from the window into the room. Now, on a table, I have two canvases, right? They're basically, my mum got me them for Christmas.

Both are Simpsons drawings, but, like, it's of me and Cara, if we were at the Simpsons. Higgy. And then... Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, fuck it. Who gives a shit at this point?

Like, she doesn't care anymore, so just... If it's out, it's out. Aye, fair. There we are. Just don't be weird with her. That's the rule. And then on the other one is...

It's my family, my mum, dad, my two brothers as the Simpsons right and in the background of the picture is a lampshade is in the living room

of the Simpsons and one of them has a shadow going onto the back wall and the other one doesn't but because the light was streaming onto it I was genuinely confused

for five minutes as to how only one of the paintings was casting a shadow right and have you sent the picture to me now i'm gonna send it to you now just just because i honestly thought i was going to fucking mental i was like how on fucking earth is only one of these things giving off a shadow like is it like a vampire lamp? And are you really high as well? Vampire. Vampire.

Vampire was right there. Vampire. I said vampire. So I'm looking at the photo now, and you're saying one of them has a shadow. Is the one on the left has a shadow? Yep. And the other one doesn't.

Oh, man. It's been at me for a solid five minutes. That is just you being high. High. All right. So it's not brilliant content either. We were doing so well. Yeah, I like... Oh, man. It peaked me for a solid five minutes. That is just you being high. Aye. Aye. Sorry. It's not brilliant content either. We were doing so well.

Yeah, I like... We went gay cockfighting. When I go to delete Piggy's name out, I'll just delete that whole segment. So here's what's happened in my life. I was doing a Joe Wicks body coach with Natalie. What was the fucking 9am PE with Joel, you fucking pedo? Seven days of sweat.

We've been the PE teacher for the nation. Seven days of sweat with the kids. Seven days of I can't sweat, I had an accident in Afghanistan. I don't know. I can't sweat, I had an accident in Afghanistan. I don't know. Yeah, I can't sweat around these kids. That's why I'm just sitting down and breathing heavy. So I was doing that, right, and we'd made a chili, and in the time the chili was cooking, we're going to get a quick workout in.

It's got to be ready by the time the workout's finished, right? So I'm about five minutes into the workout and i'm like i wouldn't mind a little bit of water so i turns on the tap puts it in puts it into my um my bottle that i would usually take to the gym took a big swig of it not only had i not ran the tap so there was still hot water in the tap that pushed through i had beef stock in the bottom i had beef stock in the bottom of it in a literally five minutes into a fucking 20 minute workout just had a massive swig of gravy just be like this is this is how i get my energy that's your version of that's your version of spinach you just go back and walk out

just to 150 price jumps into the space in two minutes. I'm so northern. I just get totally pumped. I got a burnout after 10 minutes. I should have used it later in the game. Who uses their NOS at the start of a race? Oh, maybe for the take-off.

I suppose so. Get off the blocks. So I've also been doing this little bit around the house, which is, it's for Natalie, but it's mainly for me, because I've just taken entertaining myself. I was telling Jean about this on the knitting thing, so anybody that watches that content, you're getting double content now.

I mean, right. So I pretend to be really mad at myself if i do something slightly wrong you know you know um like say if i um just drop it drop a teabag on the floor i'm taking the teabag out the cup and then i drop it and it splashes and you've got like a bit of wet tea on the bench and the teabags on floor. I pretend to be properly annoyed at myself. Like, oh, fuck off, man. Why am I like this? It's fucking just like over the top kick off. It's stuff that I do. So I double down when I swing the gravy.

You deserve that, you filthy slut. It was in that moment that I realised I'm going mental in isolation because I just took a massive swig of gravy mid-workout and started kicking off at myself I haven't come

up with any good new bits really I've done one where it's just because both Piggy and Gran are working from

home this entire time so I just I mean it's a hack bit, but I just molest them both and just ask them what they're going to do, because I'm the boss. And Human Resources will always listen to me. Than both? Grant, I'm going to paint a picture here. Big, big, smiley, seven foot giant. Looks like he could kill you, but he's more likely to cuddle you to death.

Aye, but more importantly he sat down. He's what? He sat down. He sat down. So he's more likely to cuddle you at the death Aye but more importantly he sat down He sat down So he's about your height Aye Aye That's funny I like that one Mainly I just before Colin does anything I just like what he's about to use

Ah he's how's he getting on? He still hasn't done any content, has he? No, no. He's, er, he's content with no content. He's done stuff that he's been, like, forced to do, like he's jumped on this podcast. He said he was too, er, too sick

to come on my knitting the other day. But, he didn't mean sick sick, I think he just meant sick of his life. Maybe he just thought he was too cool for it, maybe he was going back to the 90s vernacular he's just still too sick too many sick kickflips he can't come on here and lame ween them mate I'm too dope

so dope are you a day drinking tomorrow? it's Thursday, can't I? so yes I did mean tomorrow are you day drinking tomorrow? It's Thursday, so yes. I did mean tomorrow as the people are listening to it at home. Are you day drinking on Friday

on Instagram? Oh right, sorry, I forgot this was just a phone conversation. Oh, that's cute. Well,

no, I've been joking off the whole time. Yes, I am. I'll be doing it about, I think 12 again

to put a bit. Yes, I am. I'll be doing it about, I think, 12 again. Do it for a bit. Sweet. I've got approximately 5,000 more viewers on my knitting on the Friday than I did when you don't do the day drinking first, so it's a really good formula for me. Aye. What formula? Knicking my fans?

Aye. 5,000 at a time. Fair. Now, did you come up with your three hypotheticals I did come up with three hypotheticals can I ask you

my first no first I want to give you one that I wrote down and in the middle of writing it I realised how bad

bees were and I realised this isn't going to be a one but I'm going to run it past you alright go mate just going to scroll past me. Dad jokes.

If you had a stinger like a bee, and using it meant your entire body ripped apart from your torso like a bee, would you just randomly sting people for no reason in the park? The answer is no, you wouldn't. So no wonder bees are going to fucking extinct. What a shit-cunt thing to do. the answer is no you wouldn't so no you wouldn't that piece of

fucking extinct what a shit cunt thing to do aye that is a good point like if if hurting you

was like my entire body in half completely obliterated then aye oh my god they're little like suicide bombers

aye that joke's been done kamikaze that joke must have been done surely aye that must be been done kamikaze that joke must have been done surely aye that must be a hack

at this point anyway you asked my question for me no I wouldn't because I'm not a dick aye so go on then you can open wheels

right so how many murders do you think you could get away with realistically now to give you some context about why you're doing the murders

instead of being one of these losers it's like oh I'd never do it you shut the fuck up, Hollywood. So basically what happens, you've got cancer, and you've got like six months to a year left, if that, and some eccentric millionaire is like, for every person you kill, I'll give you 10, I'll give 10 grand to like someone you love.

Right. So they get they get anonymous money for every murder how many could I get away with before I got locked up alright and it has to be anonymous

because you don't obviously you don't want your family finding out what you're doing like they're not going to take that money that's blood money like you've got to

make sure you're getting away with these murders how many can you do and as well you couldn't just like you couldn't just blow up a spot like I mean

public places are a thing of the past anyway but you couldn't just blow up a spot, like public places are a thing of the past anyway, but you couldn't just blow up a place for the 10 grand per person because you'd rather your family was skint than just kill innocents.

Oh, exactly, yeah. Well, you wouldn't have to, but it's good that you chose that. That proves that you've got some sort of code. I'd be the same.

You keep going, I'll tell you my plan. I'd be tempted to get myself locked up first and then start doing the murders alright

but like do you go straight to prison when I spend my whole six months going through the judicial system and in a jail cell

and then like and then I get put into the prison and I've got like there's only well if they know you're doing the murders then you're definitely in the jail right and I've got like there's only well if they know if they know you're doing the murders then you're definitely

in the cell right because I like I don't think going to jail would stop the stop the money coming in I think that's when

I would really start making bank so it's you're more likely to get caught in prison the second you kill one person in prison you're not going to be

allowed in here anywhere else they're going to see you in fucking solitary solitary em oh this is a like I wouldn't want prison you're not going to be allowed near anywhere else they're going to see you in fucking solitary solitary um oh this is a

like I wouldn't want to spend the last few um months of my life doing this but getting close to a pedo ring would be the way to do it

fucking is this is this your version of I want to try heroin before I die I just want to see what before I die I just want to see what it's like

or maybe I could just I could go into Switzerland put on a lab coat now you're thinking outside the box and start pulling

the plug on cunts alright well that was going to be mine I was going to go if I have cancer I'm going to go Now you're thinking outside the box. And start pulling the plug on coins. All right. Well, that was going to be mine. I was going to go, if I have cancer, and I'm a terminal, I'm going to go to like a terminal anonymous meeting.

I mean, it's probably anonymous, but go to one of those meetings and everyone there, just be like, I'm going to kill you. And yes, it's bad that I'm doing that or like I think you deserve, but you know what?

My left one's over yours. All right. 10 grand's actually a small a small price on a yeah no it's not you know what 10 grand is far too small let's say it was

oh let's say it was let's say 100,000 but still like it it's the conscience the weight on the conscience is going to be the same regardless of the price

you're only going to have a conscience for like 6 more months aye but like I've got a, it's a pretty new theory. There's a place called heaven. Yeah, and my question is how many cunts do you send in there? I don't think I can get many, you know Because I'd be too I'd need to

I'd need to be sure That there was no redemption for them Before I capped them, you know I couldn't just start frivolously killing people Or dogs people I'm joking people I'm joking I'm joking are dogs people

because if they are you owe me 20 grand if they are why do you keep calling it bestiality so how many six six six months I've erm so how many six

six six months one a something that just gave a speech about how you'd have to think about it and have to make be sure that's one a month that's quite

that's more than a lot of serial killers one a month I know but like I'm not worried about the law catching us you know like I've I need to be meticulous

in me erm I need to be meticulous in my selection process rather than my execution. I would make it balanced. What I would do is I would make sure that everyone I murdered was a bastard. But to balance it out,

I'd blame it on someone. I'd frame someone innocent for it. Would you? I just find someone who's really nice feels solidly honest, always gives back to the community just like somebody properly beneficial to society and just somehow pin all 20 murders

on him Has there been a serial killer game yet where you have to be meticulous? Because obviously Grand Theft Auto is a serial killer game but it's not, it doesn't have the serial killer repercussions you can get rid of you can get rid of stars by spray painting

your car and all of a sudden nobody cares about the previous convictions no no that's just the American policing system that's not yeah yeah I reckon I could get up with

half a dozen in six months I reckon I could find some real fucking nasty bastards in there and bring them to the financial

gain of my family I'll tell you what another good way to do it is just get a job it's like a fucking food manufacturing place

and then just I mean then you're just fine I guess you're just i guess you're just poisoning a lot of people like you're doing money wise that's how you do it you kill a lot of innocence i could probably like just visit a nursing home tomorrow and just cough yeah you know what i'll do for free just just go and cough around the place and then i i do that i do that with old people's homes I go home and just like tip them over you know like you tip cows over

when they sleep do the same with them just tipping old people but there's some things in rocking chairs so they just end up falling asleep

they bounce back and knock me out it's horrible have you got anything more to add to that one or should we do what I mean no no go for your next one right this is just a silly one

I've got some more serious ones coming up like real real fucking philosophical debate but this one do you know what I mean? No, no, go for your next one. Right, this is just a silly one. I've got some more serious ones coming up, like real fucking philosophical debate. But this one. If just your eyes were on the back of your head, right, everything else is the same, but your eyes are on the back,

would you wear your clothes backwards? So everything was moving the way you're facing? No, because I'd have to want to walk backwards. Well, you'd have to walk backwards because your eyes are on the back of your head. So, like, walking forwards. You couldn't wear your shoes backwards, obviously. They would have to go on forwards. That's just the way your feet are.

But, like, would you put your jacket on backwards? I don't know, because I would want to try and blend in as as much and if I've got eyes on the back of my head that's weird right but I can just put I can wear a baseball cap or grow a mullet like I've always wanted to cover my eyes on the back put sunglasses on and then get a dog

and pretend to be blind and then I get to dress normal and I just have to pretend to be blind but secretly I can look at people behind me. Hang on, you'd actually blamed yourself? You'd cover your eyes? You would just go and choose to be blind rather than see out the back?

Oh, well, no, all right. No, maybe, okay, maybe I wouldn't go to the fucking mallet. Maybe I'd put a fucking baseball cap on and then have my eyes sort of peeking out the side and say, we're playing this so people won't see it. Aye. So I could still fucking see

but I'd be acting blind so I could be blinded by the dog everywhere acting blind so I could be led by the dog everywhere yeah so you mean you'd walk forward you'd live forward like you would live forward

but every now and again you'd just pop a glance I'd pop a glance every now and again because otherwise fucking man all the

I'm not for one sense I'm not changing how I dress I think I would I think I would live backwards I would live

like I would face the way I was looking all the time. Oh, man. You'd have to. Imagine. I mean, we've all got that. Shed must be shite. Just looking down, watching jobbys fly out your eyes.

I'd straddle the toilet like a cowgirl. That's why you always wear the hat. Aye. Yeah, because you'd have to sit down the way you normally sit down. Aye. Unless you, like, you would turn the hat. Aye. Yeah, because you'd have to sit down the way you normally sit down. Aye. Unless you, like, you would turn the chair backwards,

wouldn't you? But seeing that, like, if you're sitting down to dinner, you couldn't look, you'd have to eat blind. How much would it, I guess the other thing is, like, how much would it change?

Because when you're out there on the back of your head, how much does that change your perception of things? Like, wanking should be as easy, right, because, easy Right Because you know You know what it is But because you're also in the front

And your dick's technically In the back in that situation Does it just feel like You're wanking off somebody behind you I'll feel like you have to Give yourself a reach around All that remains is I got the free trial

Of Pornhub Premium You what? I got the free trial Of Pornhub Premium You what? I got the free trial of Pornhub Premium You get a free week How did you get that? Why? Are we as bad as Italy now? Aye

Yeah, we're right behind them We're 20 deaths behind them They were on 560 And they were on 580 or something And that was at about 4 o'clock So Pornhub have dipped in with a free premium So you've basically got to sign up with your card details, right? But you've got to cancel it before the week runs out.

I've set an alarm on my phone. I don't even think I'm going to keep it. People go through my bills. No, the bill will not come off. But it doesn't matter anyway. Who gives a fuck if the bloke did a mortgage and thinks he wank I'll be gutted

I don't want him to make it off me I really like him so I just thought I'd give it a shot it's decent there's a lot like longer higher definition

than that it is much better than regular I'm not paying money for it though not when I'm fucking not when I'm getting it all the time

off me lass I may keep it for me and her to watch together you know I saw we were watching so much skateboarding together don't ask her excuse me

and also you can in addition you've done you can refine your search you can put like you can put more than one category so it does like cross over as a category I love watching

I just sorry I love hearing you tiptoe around giving away any details. Like you're doing fucking radio. So you can just search for like other categories. Alright, let's just do an example. You can click on orgy, and then you can click on public. click on public porn does have Google locks this is the fucking yeah this is how idiotic I am right I am because I don't know for another free trial on PlayStation now as well because I was actually gonna stick to that but then I realized all the games are garbage and I didn well, because I was actually going to stick to that.

But then I realised all the games are garbage, and I didn't play on it as often as I need to for the Needle and Shake games. So I got rid of that. So I got the free trail of Pornhub, thinking I'd probably just get rid of that as well. But at the exact same time, I got the free trail of Marvel Unlimited. You know, the comic books oh aye I think it's like £9.99 a month

and you get all of the Marvel comics that have ever been made all in one kind of kindle and every time I'm reading a comic book

all I can think is do you want to take me away some just teaching it yourself aye we last saw the conference call and I'm like

you've got porn on premium why don't you just salute I'm like no no I'm meeting Spider-Man he's like

time is money come on no clock is ticking I don't know slip it through your fingers or it should be alright

alright speaking of jerking off would you still wank yes yes the answer is yes next

would you would you still wank if your semen was just one big sperm and you had to kill it after? Club it. Alright, like it came out like just one big one and it came out like a fucking

eel or a fish. Man, I would fucking put some salt and pepper on that thing, put it in the preheated oven, put 20 minutes on 170, bit of garlic, squeeze some lime on it, put it in a tinfoil wrap. And then serve it to Natalie. And then she can put it on her tit. I thought you could use it as long like an eel you could both suck one end

like a lady in the tramp she's the tramp tramp in the tramp would I still wank if it come out as one aye like why not I'd probably like

hold it up like hold it up like for a photograph I just think after you've been fishing I would do it every time I did it

I would do a bit just for myself where every time it landed on the floor I would be like ah another challenger and then smash

clip it over the head and then just put another etch another notch into, not my bedpost, that gives away the wrong impressions, but on my chalkboard of sperms I've murdered. Etch it in your bedpost,

it looks like you've been shagging them. You've literally just jizzed and you're like, ooh. There's two bedposts on my bed. Well, there's four, but I'm only using two. One of them's for how many times me and Ziggy have been sexing it and the other one's for how many times I've wanked on it.

Basically, one of them's gone. It's like a fucking fever's been at it. It's a big pile of sawdust. By the way, do you have a four-poster bed? Or do you just mean the, like, end post? Does it have posts?

No, no. I've just got a fabric headboard, so I just, like, Stanley knife into that. I just carve it into Piggy's back. Anyway, if I could just jizz,

like, when I come out with Warren J's, I'd probably, like, incubate it raise it and just like and then and then like that

like that send it off to school and just like just this little sperm little thing just hopping around on it's back tail like Casper

Casper didn't bounce on his tail he was a fucking goat he looked like Casper but he like bounced like Tigger and that's his yearbook quote Casper didn't bounce on his tail, he was a fucking goat. He looked like Casper, but he bounced like a tigger. And that's his yearbook quote.

That's Muhammad Ali. Flown like a Casper, bounced like a tigger. You know, Muhammad Ali. All right, what's your next one? Right. If you had a really advanced VR like a really like VR really

up its game like fucking technology went through the roof everyone's in quarantine they need they need entertainment right

and it tapped into it tapped into your brain stem and it could it could tap into your memory so you could actually relive them

and it felt like you're actually reliving them you just go in you relive the memory it goes exactly how it went you've got the illusion of free will it goes but it goes exactly how it went and then you come out and you've had the memory again a second time would you um relive previous sexual encounters or would you consider that to be cheating oh no that's a memory wink. And that, but you're actually fucking your ex? Like, you're actually going through the exact motions of fucking your ex? Aye, but all the time, I'm not going back in time and doing it.

Aye, but then at what point are you going, what's the difference? It just felt exactly the same as doing it. At what point are you going, well, that's a... The difference was it didn't actually happen. Aye, but you're cheating on a technicality. Aye. The difference was it didn't actually happen Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Yeah, last we had VR on, just put a fucking strom in it and that, like, er, driving around and, like, she's just getting, she's just getting pegged off her last lap. She's just, she's just, she's flying around the room, wait, is this, is this VR so good that it's like a fucking poltergeist is in there? Aye. Aye. She's just being smooched into the floor with her fucking hand tied to the radiator. Aye, you're the radiator you're just

slapping yourself in the tits right so the VR is I'm not actually having sex the machine's wanking me off it's triggering all the same emotions you're just like lying there it's triggering all the same emotions

you're just lying there it's just a memory wank it's taking all the same emotions. You're lying then? It's just a memory, it's a memory wank. It's just a better memory wank. Aye. But, like, would you still keep it secret than that? I mean, I wouldn't boast about it. You would still have to keep it secret, you'd still have to sneak around,

because you wouldn't like your lass, like, catching you with a photo of your ex, you know what I mean? And that's just a memory wank oh no oh wait oh that's interesting no the photo is

if you're carrying around a photo of your ex well this is way worse than a photo this is actually living breathing you can squidge your titties I just

I disagree with your concept of squidging the titties it's just like if you've got I'm taking this as you've just got a really vivid imagination. It essentially is,

but you're actually reliving it. But you have to have the headset on. It's the same way you would have to hold a photo over a photo. You have to have the headset on. Am I coming from this machine, or am I just... Oh, you're in a vegetative state

with an angry boner and then you'll do a little spout at the end of it you don't even need to touch it you're just you're just

vegged out it's tapped into your memory I mean I don't know if I I try it once right

and then I'd have to try it once and then I'd know because I'd know afterwards I might feel different I might experience it and be like oh no that definitely was not on

Aye, I reckon there'd be and also there'd be a real divide, there'd be a bunch of people who didn't give a fuck if their partners was going in there, because they'd see it that way and there'd be people that like, because some people definitely don't even like their partner

watching porn do they aye that's madness that's madness but like everyone will have their line in the sand somewhere

I've got to I've got to tie her down and kill her eyes to make her watch it aye aye it's almost as if she doesn't want it

forcibly did aye do you want me do you want me to log in for premium Forcibly dead. Do you want me to log in? For premium. Oh, well, now you've got it. Because I wouldn't masturbate to a picture of an ex.

Aye. Like, unless it was there. As well, it's not like... It's not always an ex. It could just be, like, a one-night stand. Somebody that you'd, like... You didn't even have a photo of. Or, like, you wouldn't have ever had any photos of. I don't know I don't know I think maybe

it's just that I'm having an unprovidable when I go out to lunch I'd probably spend more time fighting than that

and scoring goals in football oh yeah it wouldn't be my go to yes it wouldn't be my go to thing I would just go back

and just re-watch old Simpsons episodes actually I mean I know I could do that on Disney first but it just feels cooler this way

I'd probably just spend a lot more time with my wife alright I've got a similar one I'd probably just spend a lot more time with my wife alright I've got a similar one kind of if you could delete any sporting moment from history

what would it be? I've already done it, Liverpool winning the league, this is Al me I've done it I've done it if I could delete any sporting moment it would probably be there would be like just a handful of things

Conor McGregor did it would be like outside of the octagon a lot of it I really enjoyed that moment when I thought he was king that was good you know the fall

of Conor McGregor is one of the like I feel like I've been Robbed of a belt Or athlete By him being a dick Aye and he kind of Shot your head

And then he just Fucked it towards the end To a lot I do think he shot On his leg A bit Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Some people are just so good at their sport that you're going, you know what, I'm going to watch your fights.

I'm just not as invested anymore as I was because I feel like I've been ripped off. I'm sure a lot of golf fans felt a bit robbed by Tiger Woods and a lot of people that watch the Tour de France were robbed by Lance Armstrong. If you're let down by somebody that you put a lot of time in, like Villa fans with Jack Grealish aye probably if

would this count is this is this am I getting doing this on a technicality would you let us have this one make Ashley oh I would say

I'd say that no no I'm about to present one make make Ashley buy Newcastle United oh aye you could do that

yeah so if I could do that aye you could absolutely do that because Mike's would be to lead in England winning the World Cup 66

alright something from the fans fucking brutal you didn't even live through that nah but neither did some people

who were proud of it God just singing Two World Wars doesn't have a ring to it probably wouldn't sing it you'd feel like something was missing

I've got another one go on right okay I think I know the answer to this one for you I think this may be a quick one but let's go over it anyway.

If you woke up tomorrow morning with really advanced medical knowledge, and I'm talking like high-end doctor shit, with all of the qualifications to back it up, would you get yourself in there for the cause, or would you keep it shtum? Oh, like go down and treat patients? Aye. Aye, probably. Just so I can get it and treating patients? Aye. Aye, probably.

You would do it so... Just like you get it and give it to Colin. You would do it so reluctantly. Aye, I would be doing it. I wouldn't be doing it like in a... I would be doing it because it's the right thing to do. Aye. I wouldn't be doing it like in a...

But you've got too much of an ego to do a thankless task. All the trustees will be fucking thanking me. You would actually be stood in the middle of the green out the back of mine when people were clapping. You would be basking in it. Just because I miss that feeling got nothing to do with the job. That's so funny how many comedians had an opinion on the clapping of the NHS. Some people are like,

oh, well, that's not going to do anything, is it? Clapping's not going to achieve anything. As if they need funding. I'm hearing this from some comics. I'm like, literally, if you walked on stage and people didn't clap, you would feel bummed out. Aye. If you walked off stage and they didn't clap, even if you had a bad gig, if you walked off stage and they didn't clap, you would feel bummed out. Aye. If you walked off stage and they didn't clap,

even if you had a bad gig, if you walked off stage and they didn't clap, you'd be bummed out. Like, clapping does have, it does have intrinsic value. Like, you feel it. You can feel being clapped. Guess. Like, it isn't bad that, like like we'll get clapped

at least I absolutely agree like being applauded is amazing that's worth it like I'm not I think it's a lot of the better comedians

right now is they're going cold turkey from attention I like I'm not missing it yet so much

like I do I'm not missing it at all I am I'm alright I can gan without adoration for for a little while i fucking you know i was gonna be taking three months off uh from may to may to fucking august anyway so it's just a longer version don't be wrong i'll definitely go insane and there will be a point when i want to get back to stand up but that's a point that i want to get

to you know i remember in january being like i to get back to stand up but that's a point that I want to get to you know I remember in January being like I'm excited to fucking stand up again that's a nice feeling like I look forward to experiencing that again yeah I think it's that I might um I might even scratch all of my old stuff because you know by the time you do we do a gig again maybe September right maybe later. Like, whatever material you do is going to be rusty. Maybe I'll just jump up with new stuff. Aye,

that's what I was thinking. I was talking to Troy about that the other day. Just being like, how much, I was thinking about my set going back on tour. I'm like,

you will have to change things because you just don't, you know, everyone's going to be like, what the fuck was that? The second this is over and we all go back to watching comedy and stuff stuff you can't not talk about this for ages it's gonna be it's gonna be the hackest topic but it's gonna be so essential to mention you can't yeah it's gonna

it's gonna be hard but it's gonna be hard because you have to do it anything i feel like not talking about it just it's like it would be like you'd give a watch of old episodes of Friends when the Twin Towers are still in it or you see the Twin Towers in movies and stuff you go oh fuck

it's that old that's ancient if you do material that doesn't really doesn't touch on it I've got material about living at home with my girlfriend

now obviously that changes because now we live together for 24 hours a day yeah so you're going to have to cover that it's like i said you know when they're when we're gigging in america um i guess in europe too but more mostly in america like i have to mention my accent because if i don't mention it people are like does he know that's how he talks like it's just it's in the room. It's hanging in the room. It's like whenever I do the gigs with Catherine, who does my signing for the death gigs.

Yeah. Like, whenever you have a show signed, you have to, to the audience, reference the fact that there's somebody signing on stage. Otherwise, they're just going, do you not see her? Yeah, it's like Kevin Bridges just told us about a comedian that he was on with

back in the day before he was famous, right? He's about to get on and the host's on and it's like, you know, when you get somebody that just hosts a lot of their own gigs, they're a bit of a fucking perma-open spot. I don't know the name of the guy, right? I think I do,

but I'm not going to use it. And he says this gig was rough, right? And somebody walked around behind the guy and kegged him, trousered him, pulled his pants down. Aye.

And then ran off the other side of the stage. And the lad just carried on doing the bit that he was doing while pulling his trousers up as if it hadn't happened. That's amazing.

Like, he was not just locked in. It's just, this is the script that I use. That's just a little bit of subtle humour. So, it's got to just be there in the room if you don't mention it. Everybody's going to have to have that couple of minutes on it. Aye, aye. I mean, I think we just have to talk about it or incorporate it.

I'm not going to be writing any stuff. I think I'll just let the audience dictate. Do you think that first gig back is going to be amazing, just the buzz in the room? I don't know. More people will be nervous. Who fucking knows? Imagine, I think there'll be

a wee bit of a fucking boom after this so everyone's all doom and gloom about the whole thing but regardless of how long this goes on for

the second we're all allowed to go out in public again we're going to want to go and do it like everyone even though I think even

there'll be at one point I'm quite introverted whenever I'm at home anyway but I think we'll even be introverts that we're like you know what a bit of fucking

outside wouldn't be bad yeah I think it's going to give people a big change of mindset like I've eh I wouldn't have felt like dead cautious

I wouldn't have felt like this weird like you still don't want to hug or handshake like everyone because it might be that it's not like well I'm just going to

run together and start mosh pitting you know there's still going to be the could it kick back off again are we doing the right thing we're going to there's going to be together and start mosh pitting. There's still going to be the, can it kick back off again? Are we doing the right thing? There's going to be an air of caution as we approach each other and we spend time in large groups.

We're going to be like, is it going to... Aye, is it going to come back? Aye. Hmm. I've got a little bit of an issue, so let's do that, Jules. Let's quickly cover the fringe. The fringe has been pulled. All right. so we've literally got nothing to plug

well no I mean as I've released this statement today my plan is basically obviously whatever is the safest for everyone

is what will be done so the fringe is cancelled but because I'm a local comedian in Edinburgh and the venue I have a good relationship if let's say July 31 31st, the government goes, all right, you're absolutely back to normal,

you're allowed to go gig again, I'll still be performing. So you're just going to reassess. Hey, my venue's an actual comedy club, so if we're allowed back in public places, I'd probably not do the fringe, but I can come and do my show at the comedy club you know

it's obviously we're not going to put anyone in the end for fucking stupid it's not

this isn't a fucking statement or anything like that it's just you know whatever is the safest thing to do we'll do

but if we can't we'll gig and yeah and we'll just postpone as soon as we can gig in Edinburgh we'll gig in Edinburgh

we'll gig in Edinburgh whether it's the Fringe or not like the I mean the Fringe

festival is fucking amazing but doing a gig to people in Edinburgh is gonna be it's gonna be on the cards

regardless whether it's September October whatever we're gonna we're gonna do a show

in Edinburgh right and not because we protected a little area just because

we'll need money uh um uh it's gonna be nice to be working Not because we protect it a little, I like it just because we'll need money. It's going to be nice to be working again, but me outgoings are so fucking minimal now with not travelling. I'm a bit of a dick, but thanks for making this real. You didn't realise how much you spend when you're on the road until you're at home for a bit and you're going,

oh, fuck, me outgoings have just fucking absolutely dried up too. Aye, I've out, Goans. I've just fucking absolutely dried up too. Hi, touch that when I'm home while I do a sit in front of the television. Hi, I've got everything I need. This is a weekly grocery shop. Fucking awesome. Your dad lost his legs when he got the bottom of his car removed

so that he could do... Oh, I've fucked already. Do it again. Your dad lost his legs when he got the bottom of his car removed so that he could brake like they do in the Flintstones. And he's lost his legs. Aye. He's going 70 miles an hour on a dual carriageway car.

Honestly, I don't know what he was thinking. Oh, that would knack as well. Oh, man, like, these, they're gone. Like, they're real, they're proper. You know that fucking Lieutenant Dan? He nearly blunted down. He was real, real brutal. But the fireman laughed the whole time.

Your dad has a ponytail and he wags it when he's happy. Oh God, imagine they did that. When you hold a biscuit. When your mum bollocks him and just like

it fucking curls under. Your dad drinks Almond milk Because it comes from nuts Because that's what he remembers Sucking on as a baby Your grandad lactates From his balls Your dad got abducted

By aliens So he immediately Dropped his trousers Bent over and said You've got to dewey tee and the aliens went, nah, we're not here for that sort of stuff and he went, nah, nah, get it over with and probe me you bastards

and they were adamant that's not why they abducted him but he insisted so much that they reluctantly probed him Your dad sits down to tea after sex Fucking smart Probably smart It's like having your finger over the end of the hose Your dad pulled his t-shirt over his head And ran up and down the aisles of Morrison

Shouting I'm the great Cornholly Hall I need TP for my bum hole Your dad can put a whole cherry stem in his mouth and manoeuvre it while in his mouth so much that when he pulls it out, it's a tiny little noose because that's how often he's chickened out of ending it all.

Wow. Your dad's buzzing about Disney Plus because he can wear all of his fathers for justice outfits and be a full kit wanker when he works his way through the Marvel Universe? Your dad isn't touching any buttons that other people may have touched with his hands. He's using his

dick instead. Last week there was a fire in an orphanage and he couldn't reach the fire alarm with his dick until he heard the screams of the children and then that gave him the extra two inches. Your dad uses the backs of his hands instead of his palms to clap, put on suntan lotion, do high fives and slap your mum's tits. Like Tarzan. Tarzan does that to your mum as well aye aye

you fucking you going through a tunnel no no I was just enjoying the dead air I wanted to see because I feel like a lot of the time we're in the podcast suddenly, but what we could have done just there was just let it drag out a bit. So then I realised it was quite muggly in the same way that, you know,

those people that do those fake answering machines. Aye, or like Bonsai, the shaky hand man. Just like hidden cameras. All right, anyway, fuck off. I've got I wrote ten I'll use the other five next week but did you write that

I'm sorry sorry because we normally write five if we've got another guest on but we've had a problem I just assumed because we've done the hypotheticals

fair but we've got a problem with your third world wifi don't we which is why we can't get a good line aye and also because

dealers aren't dealing at the time because of the you can have all the money in the world mate but fucking

wifi depends on your geographical location you would live in the burbs wouldn't you

I would but I mean we'll get it one day but just for anyone listening to this absolutely

do not sorry what's my fucking train of thought catch him on day for anyone listening to this absolutely do not sorry I've lost my fucking thought I'll catch him on day drinking tomorrow and he'll have his trailer thought back

so if you're listening to this on Thursday on Friday at noon you can do day drinking with Dan and then Netflix and chill with me

one see you later mate see you later bye