Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 5. Freaky Monday

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

Muggins and Cream instantly run into each other and spend the opening of the podcast in each other's body, to the delight of Piggy, in a record 5 Podcast streak of being posted on time and as promised for the ultimate public service during the pandemic

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sloss and Humphreys on the phone. I am Sloss. And I am Kai Humphreys. I have a silly accent. Only one of my eyes is good. That backfired on me, didn't it? Aye.

Fucking that would be a really really really shit body swap movie if it was us you know it's always Freaky Friday and it's always the mum and the dog

that change body and they you know learn more about each other than they ever could through any form of conversation because their lives are so different

and they learn to you know really respect each other I think it was Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan was in Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan Lindsay Lohan it was

whereas if you and me were to swap bodies it would just be it would be the entire thing would be me having a lot

more sex with Cara than I'd ever had before via you and you not touching Natalie because seriously I guarantee if you and me swapped bodies, I wouldn't even kiss Natalie.

You'd shag me. I don't know if that's an insult on Natalie or if that's an insult on your own libido. No, no, it's not an insult to anyone. It's about the type of people we are. Look, as much as I like pretending that Natalie is fat and ugly, she's obviously a very good woman. I just...

She's one of my friends. We've been friends for years and years and years. And I love her dearly. She's like another gene to me. I think Natalie would be equally repulsed by the thought of fucking me. Can you remember the time you upset her before you'd probably met? I gave her the nickname Fatily.

Fatily? You sent a message going enjoy Amsterdam with Fatily. What was it? Kai Plumfries and Fatily Lane. Kai Plumfries and Fatily Lane. But she took that as if I thought she was fat as opposed to

I just thought her name rhymed that would be like Elliot being genuinely pissed off at me because he thinks I think he smells that's true

but like she didn't know you like that's fair random guy random guy telling her fat

she adapted straight away but that was like a pre-adaption pre-adaptive crack I'm like oh no no you're not safe One thing I've learned well not learned about myself but one thing

because more and more increasingly obvious over the years is I am not good on anywhere between the first through to the fifth impressions Unless it's parents Aye parents I do very well with. Like, you really are a good actor when it comes to parents. Aye.

I win parents over by being myself. You win parents over by deceiving them. No, no. I just put on a different mask. Because, right, what I do, right, is i'll be with parents i'm not just talking about like partners and that i'm talking about just any parents in general right i'll be the kid who the parents thinks awesome and funny and cool right but doesn't want their kid to be like so i can be myself and adored by them without you try and be the person that they want as their child. Aye.

Don't throw in the word try there. Are you succeeding in pretending to be the person they want as their child? I am the most charming kind of the world when it comes to any fucking parents. I'm an absolute fucking... It's super fraudulent.

No. No. I just... No. You scam... Hold on. I just you no you scam hold on you don't think you scam parents

I don't think I scam parents I just think I I just highlight the best parts of myself I date parents

ah you should like you know they're a spade a spade to be the person

you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid that old I'm that old my mate's parents you're like a spade to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid? Aye. That old... I'm that old man makes parents. You're like, is Speyer to be the man you pretend to be in front of people's parents? Aye. But I am, honestly, with all parents ever, I've been very, very good with, like, eh...

It's why I'm always excited, well, you know, I mean, obviously now that I'm in a very serious relationship, but before this, whenever I was with girls and they're like, are you nervous to meet my parents? And I was like, I fucking promise you, after 45 minutes of me being with your dad he will shake my hand for eating your pussy that's how good I am like he'll be so thrilled he'll be like oh get it shaved the man's earned it you are punching love daughter how the fuck did you pull that off anyway my point about us being freaky freaky together is I wouldn't have sex with Natalie

because I being in your body would be like this you know no I don't want to have sex with Natalie in general you mean like on an actual level of like boiling it down to you'd be cheating on piggy you'd be having sex with your mate's partner

you would be not going with her because inside you're still you right so you would have a moral quandary over it because I would

I would use that dick in his carte blanche to rail your ass aye I mean like I was doing his job for him aye just give it a...

It's like test driving a different car. You don't like to do it. There's nothing wrong with it. Do you think we could do each other's sets? Eh... Oh, God. Now, I would have too much of a radiant smile through your harsh bits.

I... You stay cold... You go cold-blooded in some of your bits, and that's like, I would have to pretend to go there. Like, I think I would do something like, and then my sister died. I'd be, I'd chip her. I don't...

I can't draw on the actual emotion you went through. Well, I guess the question is, is when you change, surely when you change body, you must inherently develop the other person's accent. Aye, you would, yeah. I'm saying that. Would you? Because you've got the same physical

makeup. Is it your brain that gives you the accent? It's not the shape of your face. If I ended up in your body and started talking like me, I could not go back to Blythe. Not only would I get you battered, if I've not picked up your accent, there's no way I've picked up your fighting skills.

Imagine I went back to Blythe talking like you. Aye, and with my fighting skills. Fucking hell. This is the worst thing. They would be like, oh, what's happening, Kai? Kai's sounding a bit fucking posh. Like, not that you sound posh, but compared to me, you do.

But I would go back, as you, I would go back to Fife and people would just go, ugh, he's been hanging out with Kai for too long. He's picked up so many of his mannerisms. If we do find one way to make this happen and we ever do get a Freaky Freddy situation

can I just give you a list of like 10 people that I need you to kick their fucking heads in but as me do it as you instead of like they can actually see your face when it's happening rather than I just like if I had 24 hours

to make everyone who i want to fear me fear me that'd be great and if you could just like you know i'll drive you round as you so what everyone else sees is no no what everyone else sees is kai humphries driving around daniel sloss as daniel Sloss beats up every person who ever wronged him in his history? People aren't fighting back because they're looking at you sat in the car. They're looking at Kai in the car and being like,

well, fucking Kai's here, he's not going to do anything. But fucking hell, is Kai enjoying this? He's laughing, He's filming. He's got his tiny cock out. He's laughing at it. God, he's got a good sense of humor about it. Oh, by the way,

one of my jokes came true in real life yesterday. I went out to do an essential shop, right, and went to Boots and bought some condoms because I consider this to be an essential shop right and went to boots and bought some condoms because i consider this to be an essential shop because like it would be very irresponsible to like knowingly bring a child into the world now why um so i went to buy condoms and you know how in my joke i ask for the thin ones hi and then um and then i turn to the queue and say

Oh it's thin feel I don't have a thin dick Aye As for the thin ones In the cunt give us thin I've got I've got two decks of thin condoms And this is when I discovered My dick isn't that thin

Bad day and a good day all at once Okay Oh no that thin. Bad day and a good day all at once. Yay! Oh, no. I can't, man. My cock gets strangled. Man, there you go. Look, I thought I had erectile dysfunction

until I was 21 years old. Do you know what, though? I kind of last longer when it's got that fucking firm of a chokehold on it. Aye, and that's why I used to last longer as well when I thought I had erection or dysfunction. Aye, because you weren't just wearing normal condoms, but you've got like a baguette. Well, no, aye, it was just they rolled down, they cut off the circulation,

and then my ex-girlfriend, she was like, because she'd never had sex, she lost her virginity to me, so we were just two people having the worst sex in the world because I couldn't get an erection and keep it and she had no idea that it was shit thank god she had nothing to compare it to

that's fair that's decent because the first girl I slept with had a boyfriend who was black for two years oh fucking hell

so I mean if the cliches are true you had good rhythm. That was one of them where Natalie would have went, how long have you been waiting until that one?

But I actually made myself laugh with it. You know, when you receive the joke as if someone else told it because you didn't know it was coming aye

aye those moments where your those moments where your brain makes you makes a good joke but you didn't

make it aye and your mouth trusts it aye sounds like a joke feels like a joke I'm gonna say it

and then you look like a dick for laughing at your own joke aye I get that a lot on my I get that a lot

on my Instagram live videos that I do because Piggy watches them just to make sure I don't say anything horrible about her. We've got a real strict relationship where she's just a real Nazi about the whole thing. She's just watching. She's like, no, no, this out, don't say that. That's fucking, and then she hits me.

You know what she's like. Just so you know this is exactly what I would say if we Freaky Friday so now people are confused that's the exact subtle

almost believable stuff like when I first did like the amount of times when I'm doing it when I just end up fucking laughing

at my own jokes halfway through it and people go God you find yourself so funny it's good no no no because sometimes

when I'm drunk because I know what I think I'm about to say I know what I want to say then sometimes my mouth says something different

and I'm as pleasantly surprised as everyone else and you know what I was watching everyone do their live streams on the last few weeks of The Stand and none of them laugh at their own jokes. I reckon it may be funnier

if you were cracking yourself up. Like, you know, if you actually said some stuff that tickled you and you were cracking yourself up a little bit, will you, Dana? Because there's no crowd to laugh at you. Sometimes you'll hear someone's partner laughing in the background,

a little bit of support. But on their live stream things I think laughing at your own jokes wouldn't be like it might be contagious if you can say

something that makes you laugh also you couldn't you couldn't write it that way you would just have to go off on a tangent and

surprise yourself aye there was a oh well I mean laughter in itself is fucking obviously contagious aye there's a like you know well, I mean, laughter in itself is fucking obviously contagious. Aye. Like, you know, have you ever been telling someone a story where you've been dying laughing at the story

and you can't get the story out because you're laughing so hard at how funny it is? No, but Piggy has. And you're not, like, you're not finding yourself funny in that moment. You're finding the story that you're trying to relay funny. So you're laughing at the story while you're trying to tell it, in their moments you'll never see people laugh so hard when they listen

to a story that the person telling it is also laughing Aye What was my point? Oh, I mean have we ever had one? Nah, we've never had an end goal So what would you do?

So let's say, there you go. So we're still on the Freaky Friday thing. You've got 24 hours in my body. What do you do, apart from shag Piggy? I nearly said shag her sister, but I didn't think we should get in there. Have you told that story on the podcast or

not no no not yet no it never will oh wait no not never not never will but just fucking

but not yet not yet no no the same reason I wouldn't tell the story on stage yet oh right yeah not enough time

not enough time oh no wait we have spoken we absolutely have spoken about it on the podcast I thought we had oh I know we definitely have spoken about it on the podcast. I thought we had. Oh, I know, we definitely have.

We just agreed that the podcast people would keep it secret. Ah, okay. Which they have done, to be fair to them. Big shout out to everyone who listens to this, because that rumour, well, that truth, has not come back to bite me in the ass yet. So thank you very much. See, this is, again, this is the problem I have

whenever I do the Instagram Live videos. They might have people be like, you should start a podcast, you should start a podcast you should start a podcast and i'm like i fucking i've got one but but you'll all ruin it okay i told you so that now what you've got is the people that have just tuned into the podcast because they're in isolation they've now got more time on their hands now have to sift through 150 episodes of the podcast to find what the fuck happened i i And you know what? And that will also help weed out the weak. Yeah, that's true. And then you've also got the team smug part of the podcast

where they're like, we know. We're hardcore. We're the cult. Or the OGs. There is that. And I do like it. I do like OG listeners

whenever we meet them after shows because there's equal amounts pride and shame when they announce it think the muggles for it, if they're right but muggles aren't bad they're not bad people

this is the argument we keep having in the group people keep thinking muggles is an insult but it's not muggles is sometimes an insult in the same way Muggle's is sometimes an insult. In the same way that cunt is sometimes an insult. Because there's some names on the muggle corner where we'd go, no, that isn't mugglery. That's just being a dick.

We wouldn't put it in muggle corner because we're confused being a muggle with just being an asshole. Muggles are not bad people inherently it's just it's just something and that's the thing but when the podcast has just come out they go there's a pride in them that they go i'm an og listener they're like i'm an og listener i was there before all the netflix stuff kicked off and all this stuff i'm that but then there's also i have listened to all of your shite and then there's the then there's the super muggles who, when we stop creating them because of tour finishes,

they'll just go back and start again, and they listen through. And then what happens with those guys? Do they? Yeah, people listen back, right? What? To this? They know way more about us than we do

because we'll sometimes be hammered when we're divulging stuff and revealing ourselves. They'll be sentient, listening to it several times, and then we're forgetting we've even said it. We're forgetting that's a thought or something about us that's left our body. And still think it's just an intimate detail that we don't share with the world,

and they've heard it three times while sober. Oh, God. There's people that know us more than we know us. It's amazing. It's such an exceptional level of mugglery. Aye. But again, there's nothing wrong with... No, nothing wrong with it.

For instance, I love the Marvel Universe, watching through it. That's pretty much all I'm doing right now. But there are muggles who know loads of facts about it. They read all the comics, which I've also started doing. And I am aspiring to be one of those muggles. I'm like, oh, I'm going to do my research on this. I'm going to remember some shit.

I'm going to... I'm aspiring to be that level of muggle about a certain field well I've got two things to make one just while you're talking about Marvel and the mugglery of that and you're becoming obsessed with it all before all this corona kicked off when I was in New York I went to

Marvel Studios in New York to do an interview with them where I got to create my own superhero and that'll be released in about a month. Really? Aye, so, oh man,

man, so I basically said to the idea of what I wanted the hero to be, they got one of their artists to draw it and create the fucking character. And you can't reveal

anything now? Can't reveal anything now but I've seen the picture. You're a boggled. Oh no, because live on camera they gave me the fucking picture they had me discussing

the thing I want to fucking make and then they hand me the fucking thing and then once it's released I get to fucking make and then they hand me the fucking thing. And then once it's released, I get to fucking, I'm going to get a printout of it because fucking Marvel designed my superhero. Because I remember the time before when we were both in New York,

you got the watch, you went and done some promo stuff with them. You got a watch and all that. So I knew that you were like communicating with them. But can you divulge anything now or are we just going to make you subscribe now on Patreon and find out what happened with the sister

and find the Marvel comic there it's a small it's a small segment they do it on their Marvel channel which is make me a hero

so trust me the second it's announced I'll be posting about it everywhere because it's genuinely fucking cool can I just use some of my psychic powers here?

Just really, really impress you. I'm going to assume... I'm up for homecoming. Yeah. I was about to check you, man. Shut the fuck up. I'm just going to use my psychic ability, my psychic ability of checking my fucking bank account

to find out that yesterday apparently i bought spider-man homecoming on amazon which is very interesting considering we're only on winter soldier so the fact that i had the foresight to buy something seven days in advance what happened so so basically i was about to text you I mean I'm on the phone to you now but I was about to text you saying that when you get up to it you don't need to buy it because it's already there I went to Natalie

I bought a homecoming on Amazon because it's not available to stream anywhere and then she went oh you mean I've bought she went you mean I've bought homecoming on Amazon because she thought it was her account? Aye. And then we're both basically laughing when we realised that, you know, when you were at ours.

Aye. And you went, you've been watching all the same stuff as me. You've been watching Succession and One Tree Hill. Golden Girls. Season 8 of Scrubs. And when you spotted that we'd been watching the same stuff, you went, are you logged onto my Amazon? And then you tell us not to buy something

because you've already got it. Like, you were like, oh, don't buy that. I've already got it. Like, you've got it on that Amazon. So, like, it was when Natalie went, you mean I've bought it, thinking it had come out of haircut and not mine. We'll both just die laughing at it.

I hope Danny's not feeling the pinch so anyway we'll be with four more before we buy Far From Home oh trust me I'll know I was so confused

because I didn't I didn't register it right away I just it came up in my emails it was like thanks for your

purchase of Spider-Man Homecoming and I'm like I definitely didn't buy that and nobody in this house bought that because

we're not on that we're all watching all the Marvel movies together like it's not like it's not like Cullen sneaking off to another room but getting his fix.

Did you think you'd been betrayed? I did! At first! Can you remember when it used to share, when Netflix first came out in the UK, it used to share on Facebook what you'd been watching, like if you'd connected your Facebook to it, like if you'd signed in via Facebook.

So it would be like fucking Kai Humphries has watched so I'd been watching House of Cards with Natalie and I was away and my Facebook come up, Kai Humphries has been watching House of Cards, I was like they couldn't cheat on us I couldn't cheat on us because it posted on my Facebook

See I'm the opposite of that, I got in trouble with Peggy because her side of the story is that I watched the rest of Chernobyl without her. Whereas my argument was she found out there was one episode where they,

the episode in Chernobyl where they have to shoot all the dogs. Oh yeah, so you had to make sure she didn't watch it. Well, no, no, no. She specifically said she loves animals more than anything in the dogs. Oh yeah, so you had to make sure she didn't watch it? Well, no, no,

no. She specifically said she loves animals more than anything in the world. Like, she's just, she's an animal

fucking freak. I mean, I thought I loved animals and I do love animals. I thought I loved animals until I lived with this fucking woman who just adores them

beyond anything I can fucking compare. She can't watch anything with them being harmed. She's a regular Joe Exotic. No, Joe Exotic didn't actually care for the animals. Oh, here's something. So I'm on episode four now. I haven't fully done my homework because

I have been watching Marvel movies when me and Natalie have had time. I'm on in episode three, and she has clearly killed her husband. Carole Baskin's killed her husband, yes. Carole Baskin killed her husband, right? Now, I am seeing on Twitter, I'm not avoiding Twitter, I'm not avoiding spoilers, and somebody asked you on your day drinking with Dan,

somebody asked, do you think Carole Baskin killed her husband? Now, that means there's no closure on it and I've got four more episodes to watch. I'm not watching them. Fuck that documentary. No, no. It's going to lead me on for four more episodes and then not give me closure on that situation.

No. Drop that in on episode three and then have four more hours of, we haven't found out. Because you've misunderstood what the documentary is about is it's not

one of these people is shite they're all shite they're all awful people oh they're all shite yeah I'm three hours in and I've made me

judgement on all of them aye they're all shite and none of this should be legal like it's all bad all the way through each one of them

claims to love fucking tigers none of them love tigers they love having tigers there's a difference it's a real uh look at the the land of the free should not have that much freedom all right uh so so don't go into this documentary expecting closure on anything like it's basically like this document

was just great this guy was just like oh my god these are all mental people i'm just going to film all of these mental people just while they continue to do mental things. The good thing about the documentary, though, the thing that should send you back into it, is because of the documentary, the missing persons case on Carol Baskin's husband has now been reopened because of this documentary. Oh, wow.

So it's ongoing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So watching it's going to just have my finger I'm going to have my finger on the pulse if I watch it for something that's currently news And trust me, I've checked because I've not done as much in-depth

research as I want. I want to find out what Carole Baskins has said about this documentary Also, what I do want to know, what will keep me watching is it mentioned early does that he was currently in jail is that right who uh joey exotic is currently in prison um i still don't know why he's in prison so that that's enough to keep us watching but like the biggest part of us after three episodes gan ah this didn't need seven i don't have much time on my hands right now.

It's definitely worth fucking sticking with. But the whole thing is all men. The amount of people who say Joe Exotic shouldn't be in jail. And you go, no, no, no, no, no, no. All of them should be in jail. Like, the injustice about Joe Exotic being in jail isn't that he's in there, it's the fact that he's the only one in there. He's the poster boy of many people who should also be in jail.

Aye, like, they should all be fucking in there. It's, yeah. Aye, it's, like, it's human, to the way I'm up to, it's human trafficking level shit. Aye. The people are being manipulated and living a life that they can't

get out of yeah like vulnerable people like for me the animal welfare is one aspect but the human

rights is the fucking is the real jail worthy stuff aye well no I mean there's yeah I mean

there's man there's so much watch it all and then we can discuss it properly yes yeah I will continue to watch it but let's play a little I know we're I mean, there's so much. Watch it all and then we can discuss it properly. Yes, yeah. I will continue to watch it.

But let's play a little. I know we're going to do hypotheticals again this podcast, but let's play a little game called... Also, I just want to mention, the game's going to be You Defend Ryan Cullen, where you speak as him and defend him. Okay. But what I wanted to mention was in the, we mentioned the debate in the WhatsApp group that we're in

with a few other comedians about what a muggle is. I think this is worth mentioning as well. We're talking about people clapping on the balcony being mugglery, you know, for the NHS. Yes. That's muggled, but then a couple of people got offended. But that's the good side of mugglery.

Yeah, exactly right. Like Christmas is for muggles. Like it's good. It's heartful. It's real heartful mugglery. But there was people that were like a bit butthurt. How's that mugglery? Like the people are being nice.

They're clapping. People who are like on the front line were like, oh, no, no, no. We're not discrediting what they're doing. We're just saying that we're saying that a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a mugglery in itself to be uh to be swept up but for me the muggery a lot of it fucking came from the fact that these are people that don't support the nhs for the rest of the fucking past 10 years yeah but in this one moment we're like now we support the nhs i'm like well then you're a

muggle you've just several've joined in with the fad yes there's several waves of mugglery that come in there's the people who are like well that's not going to help that's mugglery also like it is

it is helping people that watch go on social media and see the posts when they've been working fucking really hard and they see the posts they're going to enjoy it right

so the people that are like well it would be better if they had more money and safety equipment and PPE like those guys who are chatting like that who are like thinking that they're going to enjoy it right so the people that are like well it would be better if they had more money and safety equipment and PPE like those guys who are chatting like that who are like thinking that they're super clued up they're also muggles I posted it online

the picture from out my balcony it was fucking lovely the atmosphere was great I think one of the problems I think one of the problems with and maybe it's our fault when it comes to the definition of mugglery and being a fucking muggle is I think it's when problems with, and maybe it's our fault when it comes to the definition of mugglery and being a fucking muggle, is I think it's when we do Muggle Corner, people assume that we're not muggles or that we don't want to be muggles.

So when we go, that's muggly, we're like, I'm not going anywhere near that. No, no, no. Like, I would say 40% of the time I point out something muggly. I do that thing too. And that's how we discover it? Because you realise, like like when I took the video and I panned around and put the video online,

I was self-diagnosing myself as a muggle for doing that. Ah, yeah. You know? But I still think it's kind of sweet. That is a portion of mugglery I'll subscribe to. So that was what was...

Sorry, go on. Sorry, my main problem with the the whole clapping thing was was it just the fact

that people in the corner were clapping this has been this has been great for like like as much as it's a shit

situation there's a lot of good businesses going under right there's a lot of people losing family members losing their own lives that shouldn't be right there's a lot of fucking businesses going under, right? There's a lot of people losing family members or losing their own lives.

That shouldn't be, right? There's a lot of fucking shit going on. The amount of Tories that have now had the hand forced to put their plate out and ask for socialism and ask to be propped up with communal funds, they're looking at communal funds for help. When the voter Tory government, with the ethos, the personality of, am I right? I'll work hard for my money. If you haven't got money,

it's not the system. It's not the situation. It's your own fucking downfall, right? And they've been this fucking real high and mighty, that's why I'm voting Tory. And now they're looking at fucking footballers and they're giving footballers shit. The same people, the same people that were fucking angry at people wanting money from people who made money are now getting angry at people who are making money. Tories are cunts, man. I'm sorry.

I just also realised that I went through to the, while you were talking and I was going with you there, I walked through to the kitchen to fill up my and I was going with you there, I walked through to the kitchen to fill up my wine glass but did not take my phone with me. The recording phone, that is. Oh, really? You might have,

no, no, thankfully you were talking through most of it so you may have just lost the quality of me for a second there. I apologise. It's all right. So just to let everyone know at home, we're having a phone call right now with my phones to our ears and recording separately.

And we're going to put the two channels together, see if that works. Yeah, we're basically just trying to find whatever way we could make this podcast the best quality. Please, I understand that a lot of people listen to this. They think we don't care and put a little effort into it. But when the quality is this bad, we do try our best to fix it. Yeah, because i know some of you have been really hardcore and sat through the really tinny quality of the phone call but you know what it's we're doing what we can we're trying to provide a bit of a public

service um and provide you with a little bit of company right have you got any hypothetical questions no no no i want to i want to get i want to get this point first. So, in that WhatsApp group, which has ten comedians in, every civil war revolves around Ryan Cullen. Whether it's five people arguing with five or one person arguing with nine, Ryan Cullen is always in the middle of the fucking storm of the civil war, right? Yeah.

Today, there was a civil war, mainly people who lived in Scotland versus people that lived in London. And Cullen went... Today's one was? Today's one. Is that how you took it? Today's one was you, Mark, and Cullen

against me and Elliot. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, well, I've already misinterpreted. I could have sworn I was in the fucking middle. I was just... I was trying to phrase other people's arguments better than they were phrasing it ok, good, good

so, Ryan Cullen come on, just go on, I see this retard sunbathing in London right, that was his because every day is another statement London he tried to claim that we're crying wolf we'll always defend London, now just for the record, I'm not

from London. I live in London by someone else's decision, like Natalie come to work here. I never chose London. I do quite like it. I was about to say, you do like London. Don't pretend you're not a Londoner. I've got my London, right? I've got my version

of London that I like. It took us five years to get here, but I've got it right I'm finally like this city's pretty fucking cool and also like people are generally decent here it's not like you'll not get many Tories in London as much as it's synonymous

with Tories if you look at the fucking colour map it's red so he's always taking swipes at london as like the fucking enemy so there today's swipe was people are sunbathing in london now i took a photo out of like my i've got like i'm lucky i've got a balcony so i haven't had to go out it's like fucking spain here the day it's like fucking 22 degrees or something it's lush like it's a lush day there's not a cloud in the sky right and uh look yeah i've got a balcony i'm very blessed i'm sitting on the balcony having a glass of wine

with my wife and i'm looking out at the people sunbathing that he's calling retards and i sent him a photo of the people that he's calling retards for sunbathing and mate they're sat miles apart it's not in we're not talking victoria park people aren't going to the park this is meath gardens it's a communal garden the parks are closed if you're in the park you're trespassing right so i'm sending a picture of what he's talking about right now and i'm like this is what you're complaining about now if you take a picture of like say somebody um one of my friends from back home sent us the same complaint i see people are uh so this is someone from blithe i

see people are sunbathing in London. Now, they're probably, if it was 22 degrees, they'd be sunbathing in their garden. Like, I'm talking five feet from their neighbour with a fence in between them. They're sat closer to their neighbour by sitting in a garden than they would be in a communal garden.

And I cannot get this argument through to them. Well, because, right, you make your point that I'll make mine. It's not Cullen's point. I don't know what Cullen's point is. My point is that you're a bad example because you've got a big garden, right? You've got a very big garden.

I've seen Cullen in his garden, right? But suppose Cullen, I've seen on Instagram, on Piggy's Instagram, I've seen Cullen in the garden, right? And if Debbie from next door, I'm making up the name Debbie, at number 39 or whatever, right? Is in the the garden, right, and if Debbie from next door, I'm making up the name Debbie, at number 39 or whatever, right, is

in the other garden, then they are closer than the people who I took a photo of that he's complaining about. Uh-huh. So he is saying ban the garden. No. Like, why is he calling people retards for sunbathing? Right, Colin said people sunbathing in London

are retards. Yeah, so it's sunbathing in London are retards. Yes, sunbathing in public places. Public place being your communal garden. You do realise we're in flats here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, what I think most of the problem with the debate today is both you and Colin were arguing two entirely separate arguments. He was arguing whole of London and you were talking about your area he was making a generalisation

on London based on all of London based on the fucking worst clips that the media is showing whereas you

on the other side were basing all of London on what you could see no I was basing on like so I went for I went for a jog today and I've been doing

most of my workouts in the house but fuck it's a nice day and the house is hot I went out for a run and everybody took wide berths on each other like two meters apart every now and again right you'd see like a cluster of people where you're like that's just dog walk as having a natter there's no way those three people in those three dogs all live in the same house right so every now and again you look at people look at people and go, oh, well, you're part of the fucking problem. The majority of the time, it's someone lying with their wife,

someone kicking a ball with their 10-year-old. Like, you generally look around London, and I'm just talking East London here. Like, I went up Roman Road, and I went, like, I run outside of Victoria Park, but you couldn't go in. I mean, you could, but you'd be trespassing. You could claim the fence, right?

And I go around, and I'm like, everyone in London's been good as gold here. Like, everyone is sticking to the fucking script. And then Elliot from South London, which is fucking further away than Glasgow from where Cullen is in Edinburgh, right? He's there and he's going, ah, you're the exact same. But he is not taking our eyewitness thing. He's going, no, the media frenzy says I have to think like this. This is how I'm told to think by Twitter.

And we're like, just lay the fuck off, man. I'm telling you it's fine here. No, neither of you know. Both of you are absolutely wrong. Cullinan has taken all of his information from the worst parts that the media have chosen. And you and Elliot have... London's massive.

I don't know if you know this. Oh, yeah, but like... But the media weren't pulling those footages, that footage, out of fucking nowhere. Like, there are parts of London where people are hanging out

in communal places. Now, for me, this is my argument, the difference between people in their back gardens where your garden is two metres wide by four metres wide and you're going their back gardens whether your garden is two meters wide by four meters wide and you're going oh but your garden is as close to that other person's garden as people are in the park you go yeah yeah yeah but nobody else is walking through my fucking

garden it's not about it's not about the actual fucking distances a lot of the time it's about the rules now the rules in place are, hey, you've got a garden in your back garden, you're allowed to go in your back garden. Whatever you're... That's still self-isolation. Stay in your fucking area.

You're also allowed to walk through parks. Of course, we're still allowed to fucking exercise. No, no, no. No, no, let me finish. This got bypassed. The park's shut.

The Victoria Park is shut. It's Meath Gardens. It's the gardens that they're showing photos of. But then this is where you and I disagree because I've not seen the pictures anyone's talking about. All I know is the ones I've seen on the media, which are not Meath Gardens, where there's large parts of London

where people are just, man, it looks like nothing's changed. That's what we've been showing up here. Now, I'm not saying whether that's true or not, and it's not, no, it definitely is true because the footage exists, but it doesn't mean it's a generalisation for all of London. But we had it three weeks ago about the tubes,

so there was a picture of a busy tube and the culling was like, people are just still getting the tube like normal, right? And we were trying to explain to him, if everybody that works in, say Knightsbridge, Sainsbury's, right? If you work in Knightsbridge, Sainsbury's, you can't afford to live in Knightsbridge, right? So you have to live out on, like, Zone 5.

So you can't walk in because that would take three hours, right? So you need to get the tube to be a key worker to provide food for people in a district. There's 8 million people that need serving with food, right this area so you like in london so you need people to travel to get to where they are whether they're doing care work whether they're serving groceries from from from like every end of this scale of what is key work because there's so much key work that you don't think of one of my friends is a key worker because he puts labels on bottles you need labels to be on a bottle otherwise you don't know what's in the bottle so he's a key worker so all these people that can't

afford to live in central london but maybe perhaps work in central london need to get there so they need to get public transport now what's fucked up is not the people that he's slagging off for getting on that huge it's tfl for reducing the trains down to a third of their usual rate so now all of a sudden you've got people cramming on instead of... But you've already changed the icon of who we're talking about. No, no, so what I'm saying is, so what the media will do and what Twitter will do, we'll take a picture of a full tube and then people will go, those arseholes.

Oh, that, yes. All right. So there's a lot of, like, all eight million people in London are shitting the suck because of they'll just take a photo and they'll misrepresent it I fully agree with you but I do think

that's sometimes fucking important this is one of the times where I think you know like being publicly shamed is important at this point in time, now I might fucking live to regret those words and be proven wrong. But, like, we should be being harsh on these people

that are fucking saying, I go, fuck these cunts, fuck you. Like, it should be, if you go outside and you're doing this shit, fuck you. Because, look, this disease is not going to fucking affect me or the people I love, right? Just culling. It's...

LAUGHTER But, look, I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do, right? Not because... Just because I'm told to. It's the rule. We all fucking stay indoors, right? And we have to stay away from public places,

even if it's logical. You go, hey, I'm just in this park. I'm lying down this park i'm lying down here they're lying down there logically we're 30 yards away from each other this should be fine you go cool cool cool you're applying logic to a situation that isn't entirely fucking logical because you don't get to choose how other people perceive that you and i know that as somebody in a fucking public park 15 15 meters away from each other doesn't make a difference but when three million people

see that footage and go oh people are still in the parks we're all allowed to go to the parks that's the you have to be

fucking strict on all of this shit because it's you understand that that's to fire people up so that they can like they can have

a scapegoat that's not the government for we need a lockdown for three more weeks because of these people in London so the scapegoat there if you want to get into the same That's not the government. We need a lockdown for three more weeks because of these people in London. So the scapegoat there... If you want to get into the same conspiracy theory

that every Canadian comedian who never made it has gotten into... No, no, no. That's not what I was going at. I was going at the argument that you guys were pushing on me, which was through Marko. But if you know what this is what people are like stay in the house and that means I haven't got these photos

to use as a scapegoat to make everybody stay the same I'm putting forward the argument that you guys were putting forward but yeah if you're you don't be a muggle and fall for the newspaper oh I'm not falling for anything.

Yeah, so that's what I was trying to say to Rebecca and Ryan. It's like, don't be swept in with media hysteria. Because I'm telling you, and I'm sending you, I'm trying to send photographic evidence of what is actually happening. It's someone in London. But, yes, I... But, I understand, like, you... I think this is where you and Culligan are losing each other.

You're giving your evidence, which is fair fucking evidence for the area that you are in. He's watching footage from another area. So you're both comparing... You both have bits of evidence which you see as evidence. And both are bits of evidence. But as part of an argument that is a thousand times larger

than either of you acknowledge. In the same way that if I was to look at signs of my fucking... If I was to watch the news right now I would be on Cullen's house being like, Londoners aren't doing a lot.

Fuck these fucking people. All these fucking cunts not doing what they're supposed to be doing. And I would be wrong in that situation. If I was to be doing what you were doing as well I could also look at a sign outside my window and be like,

man, Scotland is deserted. It's deserted, no one's around. So this is what, the way I see it, right? In the election, the BBC posted a photo of people protesting. I think, I may be wrong. I think it was to do with anti-semitism, right, but it might have been, fuck knows, right there was a protest that was happening, and they showed the

protest, they had this metal railing, a bunch of people were picking signs behind it, and said mass protest and such and such about such and such, right, and it looked like there was a mass protest, but then somebody posted another photograph, zoomed out and it was literally, they'd framed the photo so it was just those

seven people with the banner in a metal frame. It looked like it was massive and then you zoom out and go oh what you mean those half a dozen people were protesting. Are you sure you're not pushing an agenda with your media? Like what

Colin is doing is seeing the first photo and when you show him the second photo he's still not seeing it well I mean I honestly don't know why I'm defending Cullen here apart from the fact we live together and he's not here to defend himself but I was someone

that was just sat in the middle of this fucking argument going both of you are making terrible points and I know the points both of you are making and neither of you are making them it makes for an awful catch-up all right clashing with cullen makes for the worst uh even listening to it i reckon starts so let's quickly move on to right let's um oh we can do a bit yeah let's go through do you have three hypothetical questions yes i do but let but let me put my headphones on so I can look at my phone

alright I'll just talk about myself for a bit I wait stop that's enough oh perfect thank god

because I honestly had nothing to plug right here we go if Natalie produced milk right and it was and it was really good for you like

it was the equivalent of like a fucking protein shake but you could one one i would stop wearing condoms that was just done no but right she just naturally produces this milk which is really high in like protein basically she produces the ultimate post workout shake okay but the second it leaves the nipple she can't use a breast pump on herself it has to come straight to the teeth would you be breastfed by her after a workout uh sucking tits when I've used all my testosterone. Considentially. I wouldn't use the last of my strength to pin her down. Yeah, you know what?

That's going to have one pumped and ready for us, getting in as a mate. No, no, no. What I'm telling you is it cannot be pumped out. You've got to take it straight from the tee. Like, genuinely, wouldn't want to inconvenience her. It wouldn't mean that much of us to, like, make a protein shake. But, like, if she

was down for it, like, we're both down for it. Well, she's just basically, you've done a full, you've just done Muay Thai for two hours, right? Beating up another man and then you're happy to go home and just be breastfed for 30 minutes fucking i what a day what a day what a belt a day oh hi you want to have a class day mate you want to do all the things you love and fucking yes way and spend the whole time with horror on even the Mai Tai? Man, what's coming? Fucking want to build that?

So does that mean if you and Elliot do Mai Tai together, Elliot comes back to you and he gets the other tit, is that fair? You know what? Again, if she was game. If she was happy for me and me bro, I'd suck her tits after Mai Tai Thai I feel like you'd also let Elliot do that even if you didn't

if Natalie was cool with Elliot sucking her tits after Muay Thai and she didn't produce milk imagine how bewildered he'd be when he left imagine how he'd change I'd farm her out I'd farm her out like I'd farm her out to me pals like Fair enough That's a quick one

Right Here's the hypothetical Would you rather Go back to being an open spot And starting this game all over again From scratch Or have your whatsapps become Public domain and come back From that Now, when I go back to being an open spot, everything I've done is deleted, yeah?

Yes. Well, yeah, sure. You're just brand new. Nobody's heard of you. Nobody's heard of me, right? But I still have the talent have the talent and I have now and the knowledge I have now. The ability, yeah.

It's going to be frustrating because you're going to be very good without getting the respect you deserve. Oh, only for a bit. Only for a fucking bit. If you reckon I'm not

flying up those fucking ranks, well, you clearly, you clearly don't trust yourself to be good enough to come back from whatever the fuck's in your whatsapp conversation I the same way you know that's true so why don't you ask me not a stupid fucking

question next time your question was essentially do you want your career do you want to try and do you want your career to be over or do you want to be do you want to try do you want your career to be over or do you want to be the best of the worst right so yeah but think about

what's tied into that too you've lost your income which loses your house which don't mean to judge Piggy but she's not going to hang around now I'm joking all the respect that you've gained like the things

that come with your career are like intrinsic to who you are as a person and you'd give it all up for the car crash that would be

your whatsapps being public no no because here's my thing is I reckon here's the God's honest truth right

I reckon if I was to go back to be an open spot I could get to a comfortable level in the stand up scene here's the God's honest truth, right? I reckon if I was to go back to being an open spa, I could get to a comfortable level in the stand-up scene within two years. Because with the confidence I have as well, right? It's not two years. Two years is just to get everyone's attention,

even if you come in with the ability. It's got to take two years to get people's attention. Two years to get the attention, but then I've got the fucking attention, then it's another three or four years. That's six years to recover my career

to half of what it was, right? Yeah. If my WhatsApp's become public, there's nothing I can do. You know what would be a weight in the scale for me, right? If the WhatsApp's become public, yes, the ones that

are going to be cherry-picked are going to be the horrific things we've said but fuck me are people going to have a laugh no i think you really went through it if you read now that's what i mean people are only going to read what like the media hysteria people are only going to read what's presented to them hey have you seen this out of context disembodied bit that he said? But man, if people studied it, if like, for the people for the podcast OGs that go back and listen

to that, they go back and read that they're going to have a fucking bell there. If it was part of me that would be like, fuck it, double down. No, I'd like me to rephrase what you've actually offered me is like you, as much as you've gone all your confidence in your career and everything's gone via your WhatsApp's been released

and gone back to the stand-up scene, the open mic scene, do you not understand how much of a fucking god complex I would have being the best on the open mic circuit for two years to be? Aye. That would go against you, though. No, no, no, no, no, no. It wouldn't help you.

It would work against me with other people, It wouldn't help you It would work With other people right But imagine going To the fucking fringe Where nobody knows Who you are With the talent We fucking have now Destroy it

Like open mics But you'd be backstage In an open mic Wouldn't your confidence Help you there Of course it would If I came back To the open mic

They were like It's fucking You'd mop up You'd mop up You'd fucking clean up Aye But you wouldn't be asked To do it confidence help you that of course it would yeah if I come back the open make me like it's fucking you'd mop up you'd mop up you'd fucking clean up but you wouldn't

be asked to do it like you know the travel for note the competitions and that oh fuck hell it's got your

life's gonna suck you're gonna be fucking bitter there's quite a lot to unpack with this actually I and I realized that

like the that my real fans I reckon I could recover from the WhatsApp thing maybe in fact now that I think about it more maybe the WhatsApp thing because my real fans would remain my fans I'd take a public fucking beating but then the people that

were already with me would stay with me I just think it would be like when that's released that suddenly puts like a ceiling on the level of success. You're not allowed to go beyond that now because then it'll just constantly brought up. So maybe I wouldn't... Do you think that's the new those without sins cast the first stone?

Those without skeletons release your own WhatsApp? No, because then the world would be mute. Yeah, if you say to someone, OK, if you're going to judge me release your own whatsapps and then you can judge me in the person you're going actually my whatsapps will ruin me too and I'll just work in fucking little

aye I changed my mind the second one what you take the head aye you've talked me round it would be funny if you've like

if I just like like oh fucking someone else is ringing us that shouldn't be able to happen decline sorry someone tried to ring us there that shouldn't be allowed to happen

if you're on the phone who was it something actually I'm going to ring it back as soon as we're done oh man well in fact fuck it let's just go into

dad jokes now we're at 54 minutes alright oh you're on 54 well I'm on 52

53 I'm on 52 47 so like oh sorry I was rounding up I'm on who gives a shit we can

this doesn't matter it doesn't have to be on the podcast but I do have to line it up so that one out like alright I was saying so

when I'm talking over each other that's literally all we do is talk over each other all right uh let's go let's save the other two hypotheticals for another what another day then let's just come to the dads okay uh your dad opens pringles cans from the bottom with a can opener I don't know I don't know why I stick on this so much I think it's because I thought can opener before you said it but there was part of me going

see a can opener see a can opener that's legit you know when you're watching comedy if you figure the punchline before the comedian, you speak the laugh harder because you feel responsible for the punchline. Aye, but yeah, yeah.

So if they say the punchline you thought they were going to say, you get a huge laugh because you're like, fuck, I worked out, that's a great punchline. But sometimes they say something funnier than what you thought. That plane saves you. Oh, my God. Yeah. Absolutely dope

Your dad went and bought a flashbang Off the black market and threw it into the maternity ward Of a hospital Your dad boils eggs in his armpit Your dad once took your mam's knickers off with his teeth but he didn't do it gently he absolutely mauled them like a fucking

Rottweiler after every single scene in the Avengers your dad tats and goes I can do that and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree your dad thought bicycle helmet was a medical condition like jogger's nipple or tennis player's elbow

your dad sleeps with a penny on each eye so that he can pay the ferryman for the river sticks just in case he dies in his sleep river sticks? a little he dies in his sleep. The river sticks? A little bit of Greek fucking folklore? Folklore? Mythology?

Oh, hi. Tomato tomorrow. Your dad's a feminazi? A cybernazi? Your dad had his eardrum removed and replaced with a pencil sharpener so that he can impress the kids when he steps in as a

substitute teacher Your dad spends an hour a day trying to climb into the mirror but he can't because there's always a bloke that looks exactly like him that gets in his way. Alright. Right, mate. It's been good chatting to you. I'll talk to you Wednesday.

Send us this audio and I'll put them together. Alright. Bye.