Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 6. Mumzilla

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

Muggins and Cream discuss whether they'd carry their own babies if they could and what genetic modifications they'd make if they were given the chance. Also Marvel and Porn, always Marvel and Porn.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Eh, right. I'm all nervous now. How much better are the intros? Eh, alright, I'll do the intro. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, I shouldn't have put a time on it. Whatever type of fucking day it is, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Daniel Sloss.

I'm Kai Humphries, and we are... Oh, see, that was... I mean, that wasn't our best one. That was not our best one. Why fuck with a format that works, you know? That's what I say. No, I could see one person online saying that she missed the intros the way they used to be. But in all honesty, she can go fuck herself.

So many people got in touch about last week's Monday's podcast because we said Piggy's name, but every single one of them got her name wrong. So you must... Like literally every one of them said Karen. I haven't listened back to it, but you definitely called your missus by someone else's name. Well, I mean, might as well. This looks like a cover-up now but genuinely looks like a very very shit conspiracy uh karen's like the go-to boomer name as well isn't it hi hi hi karen yeah or is that it's

the one that's i mean on the internet it's the woman that complains about anything so it's just one of those funny names. Aye. You know, like when you're on stage, there are just certain names that you can use that are just funnier than other names. Gary's a funny name to use. Gary's a funny name. When Tom Stead does the You've Changed Gary.

Aye. And there was another one on South Park, one of the first seasons of South Park, when the aliens abducted the cows and mutilated them or something. And they were, like, asking why they mutilated the cows. He just went, I don't know, that was Carl, and pointed at one of the aliens. Just called the alien Carl.

That's a good go-to name. Carl does sound like it could be, like, an alien's name, just purely for the fact that it's, um, I don't know, it's got, like, a bit of a snarl to it, but... Oh, yeah, you mean it could be like, like a Star Trek type of thing. Aye, one of them.

Like, just you ever get into Star Trek? Nah, I think it was too heavy. Like, I looked at it, I looked at how much there was to do and just realised that like,

I couldn't risk not enjoying it. You know, like I couldn't just, just to say I've watched it and I've become a nerd. Aye. I have to be on a promise that every episode's

built up. Like, you know, watching Avengers back. That's not a chore. I am buzzing every second I'm watching an Avengers movie. Is Natalie enjoying them? Fucking loving them. Just watched Infinity Wars. Infinity War, there's only one of them.

I mean, I guess there's... Is it called Infinity War? Infinity War. I thought it was wars because there were lots of separate battles happening at the same time, so I thought it was wars. Yeah, then it would be called Separate Wars, not Infinity. You know what Infinity means, right? No one would call it Separate Wars.

Do you think it's sexual name day? What's worse than one world war? Or what's worse than two world wars? Infinity wars. Yeah, I see what you're saying. But each of the wars that are happening are for infinity stones. Oh, I see.

Yeah, so there's multiple infinity stone wars happening at once. Infinity wars? Just started cutting up on one hand and then went, well, I mean, it's more than that, so it's got to be Infinity. Is that how Nick Cody used to talk? It was on stage, how much he had to drink. I had Infinity beers.

Countless beers. Yeah, so we've come out of that and I think I've got her pretty convinced that they're gone for good aye because that's how I enjoyed watching it was just like oh they're gone now until she listens to this podcast

she hasn't caught up so I think we're going to watch Endgame before oh okay I've spoiled it for anybody listening that's just got Disney Plus and Fan on it oh no fuck them yeah that is true it's gone that's too far gone now but I've managed to avoid it

I just like I just tell them that it's so critically acclaimed because he let the bad guy win and he just went George R.R. Martin levels that don't give a fuck and he doesn't care about how you feel that's why it it's known as the best one because nobody saw that coming. So she actually

mourned them. She was like, they were my friends. She was genuinely gutted. I felt like she went to bed sad. I didn't get laid. Not when she's grieving. When she's grieving. When she's crying over we should be crying over Doctor Strange

and fucking Spider-Man she kept she kept digging that there was a couple where she was like oh no like we fucking remember it's like

there's so much to take in there's so many of them go at once and she'd be like oh fuck Storm Lord what's it called Star Lord

Star Lord it's fucking his fault it's a fucking big fan it's his fucking fault man I was so annoyed at him watching that a second time aye he fucked up aye but mind you Kimona is a hot It's his fucking fault man I was so annoyed At him watching that A second time Aye

He fucked up Aye But mind you Kimona is a hot I mean of all the You know Of women of like Proper proper

Different skin colours Like green blue Like not Normal skin colours She's up there With Smurfette Aye Aye

She's like I'd be happy To be seen in public Without being that green Like I'd just be like Banging it though Wouldn't you Oh would you But you'd be happy to be seen in public without being that green. I'd just be banging it, though, wouldn't you? Oh, would you? But your lass is green. I'd be like, aye, we're green and hot.

Now, would you? I mean, you'd have to accept it the way she was. You definitely couldn't be like, could you put on some make-up, please? No, I think you're beautiful. It's just my parents, you know. Do you think there would be a new layer of racism if a completely different coloured person came to be? A green or a blue?

Because people would be like, because it's strange, people would be a bit ew about it, but why? Well, I mean, same question for racism now. No, but people who aren't racist would probably be put off or turned off by somebody that was dark purple. You know what I mean? Somebody that was just a bright yellow. Somebody that's joking.

Aye. Did you know that Nebulas, the blue girl from the botanical one Nebula Nebula is the last of Jumanji who can't dance the new Jumanji Is that a sincere question? You knew that, did you?

Did I know that the character Nebula was played by Karen Gillan yes I was aware of that information the first time I saw Guardians of the Galaxy

you've seen more films than because I've only ever seen her as a blue person and then and then as

somebody who looked completely different and she's fucking Scottish man she's from Doctor Who she's kind of hot actually

I googled that to see if there was any After watching Jumanji I googled that to see if there was any Naked pictures of her online And saw Nebula I mean well that's not What you mean like Intentional photos

What? Ones that she's done for Traceable magazines Or like gutter pics Well you know Just like sports illustrating or whatever Ah right okay You know like Maxim shots Whatever Aye Modelling shots picks? Well, you know, I just like Sports Illustrated or whatever. Oh, right, okay.

You know, I like Maxim Shots, whatever. Modelling shots. And not for me, but for my friend. Were there any? I don't know. I just got caught up in a back-up looking at fucking movies. Finished the wank there, did you? Oh, this is something about me. I set

an alarm for my Pornhub Premium running out so that I could cancel it. Well, and my Marvel. I kept the Marvel comics and got rid of the Pornhub. Has that been a month already or three wanks? No, it was just a week. It was just a week? In the back, it wasn't that easy to unsubscribe from, actually.

I mean, obviously, that's how they get here. So, yeah, I've kept the Marvel comics, just because I'm in the middle of a... I'm not reading through them fast enough to really justify the monthly subscription, but I can't stop in the middle of a series. I'd be a fucking

psychopath. Sorry I missed your last bit there, what? I was saying, saying like I couldn't I cancelled the Marvel comic I can't just quit in the

middle of a series of comics I've got to at least finish that one before coming off the trail ways you can

definitely finish it in the middle of a wank well that's actually what Pornhub Premium the difference

between it is you get little clips on the normal one but on premium you get little clips on on the normal one but on premium you get full blown videos like one hour long but who's

who's actually sitting doing with popcorn in that I don't I don't think anyone's sitting down with popcorn I don't think that's so what do you think

I think there are people who sit down there are definitely people who sit down and masturbate to a full porno like that definitely exists. Full porn? What, just edging all the way? Man, some people take care of themselves.

They properly, they'll light some candles, they'll have some incense on, they fucking play some, like, total Africa in the background. Just properly have a bath first. And these are men. What, do you just want to get rid of them before you whip your cock out? Is that what it is? No, like, people do ed edge and shit, don't they?

You've got to be wanking the full time. Even if you've done the slowest wank ever, you wouldn't last an hour. No, I think you could. No, I think that's what people do. Watch the whole thing. Or they treat it like sex, where when they're just talking,

they're just watching it, they're properly getting into it and then slowly start jerking themselves off at like one point so they're only wanking for at most 20 minutes

and I would be more than that I mean there's no way they make porn that long I just skip it when the other bloke joins in I've still not I've still not I've still not gotten to pro premium for the same reason I've still not

gone to Pro Premium for the same reason I've still I'll never buy a flashlight I just don't I just don't need to know

what's on the other side of that door I don't need nah I don't want a flashlight too much admin no I just

I just think that I just that's I think that's just a step that you can't come back from. I didn't want to have to get in the clean and crew afterwards. I didn't want to disinfect items after finishing up, you know? So in your ideal world, if there was a one usage flashlight,

would that interest you? Well, just have a pop of one and then chuck it away. All right, fully biodegradable good for the environment a freebie I'd get a freebie no it's I'd do the freebie I've got the self

discipline to quit after a week I could do it nah I didn't really and as well the pornhub's not like it's a bit pointless anyway

because I'm at home with my wife the whole time. Do you reckon there are blokes out there who buy fleshlights, like, just to finger them? Just to reject themselves. Aye. Just to get all the way down to the crunch, get a slap on the wrist and just... Aye, that's all they want.

It's like people who've never drank in their entire life, they're like, I'm going to have an alcohol-free beer. And you're like, all right, like alright still none of this is cool Karen was telling us on the live knitting yesterday that he drinks alcohol free beer why? it just kind of get me out of it if you're going to have

he just sort of feels like he's having a beer but he's not but why would you want to feel like you were having a beer? You know what? I didn't really get the answer out of him. I just instantly started taking the piss out of him. I didn't even like it.

If you're an alcoholic, I get it. If you're an alcoholic and you've been off booze for years and you're like, fuck it, it triggers a part of my brain, releases the endorphins and it makes me feel like I'm being part of the group fully fucking accept that if you still drink regularly if you're pregnant you're trying to hide it

like it's not because it's also not good for you like what I mean I hate to say it but it's such wasted calories it is like one of the very few redeeming things about beer is wasted calories. It is. Like, one of the very few redeeming things about beer is

the fact that it gets you gradually drunk. You know, and it's kind of like the food equivalent of just eating bread but with no sandwich filling, nothing in between the bread, no butter. Like, just bread. And you go, oh, but it's just dead calories, you should have had something with it

it's just but even then still not the same level it would be like if he just went and watched porn and didn't wank like just going I'll just give it a I've got the premium account

I had a wank yesterday and I'm not in the mood today I'll just watch 30 minutes click through it watch a bit got the premium account I had a wank yesterday and I'm not in the mood today I'll just watch 30 minutes click through it watch a bit and then go alright I'm done alcohol free beer

straight in muggle corner and I haven't done that section for a while but you're an absolute muggle if you drink it no it depends on

the reason if you're an alcoholic you can't put legends in the corner but if you're an alcoholic, are you not just teasing yourself? Is it not just like...

Is that like if a Christian says you can't wank, but they take themselves right to the brink of coming? Are you just finding a loophole in it? No, no. I don't think... No, no, it's not a loophole. That? No, no. I don't think... No, no, it's not a loophole. That's a way of tricking your brain into it. Yeah, because if I fancy a coffee, but it's the evening,

I will have a decaf if it's available. And I did put myself in Muggle Corner for that. Decaf's not on. I think I got into it when I was in Australia a couple of years back because I liked having a smoke at the end of the night. And every time I have a smoke, I want to have a beer or something, but I didn't want to be taking on calories. So a coffee's good with a smoke.

The flavour's going really well together, like the bitterness of the coffee with a spliff. But I didn't want to be up all night. So decaf coffee and a spliff at the end of the day, zero calories bish bash bosh I think once this is all over the first place I'm going to go is

you know when we're allowed to travel again Aye When we're allowed to go places get back to Amsterdam Aye we should, like to go places, get back to Amsterdam. Aye, we should. Like a holiday, we need a gig to, need a gig to have to

weigh on our mind. I just do a fucking hit and run gig in Amsterdam. I do the gig and then hang around for a couple of days. Aye, get fucking mullered. I mean, it's not,

I mean, I say this as if I'm not smoking weed every single day during this quarantine. Oh, you've been getting high. I did at the start, and I've got a little bit left, actually. Might bring that out for the Easter.

I mean, actually, are you going to do it for Easter? I'd never do. It's never registered on my radar, right? But because we're at home, I might make like a little treasure hunt and that. Oh, yeah, we're doing an Easter egg hunt. And I'll probably fucking... My mum's side of the family always do big things

over any big fucking Christian gathering they always just meet up to get pished at because most of them are technically religious. They take all the good bits from the religion. Aye. And I think it's also because some of them are old and dying so they're just cashing in at the end. Why wouldn't you take the risk in the last five years?

Live your life the way you want to live your life. And what's the number one thing they say about God all the time is how much that cunt loves forgiving people. It's his favourite thing to do, is to forgive people. Why not just live your life the way you want to live it? And then for the last five years, the twilight years, you're like, man, I regret everything. Sorry everything sorry looking back now that i've got perspective oh i lived such a wrong way please forgive me straight in uh just look looking up at god like the um the cat puss and boots from

shrek touching your hat with them big eyes just like i'm sorry god i've changed like i didn't the only reason i knew that was wrong, which it is, is because I did it. So, kind of regret it, but not really. And if he's as big a man as they say he is, he's got to be like,

all right, well, in you go. Which is not the place you want to go. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of fucking Christians? Can you imagine that? What would happen? I'd be shite. I'd be cool as fuck up there. I'd probably be

I'd probably be a fucking absolutely you fuck off fuck off name five hymns you know nah

like get this right in hell like I'll be a fucking dog in hell up in heaven fucking chin any cunt

that looks at us the wrong way I'll pussy nah well surely the second you chin a cunt you're not allowed in heaven anymore no I'll just like

raise my fist close to them like make them flinch oh like you do with any moments that come to your door

I get it I just can't run fucking not touch them can't get mad people in heaven I didn't touch them surely you'd be

allowed to pretend to spit surely you'd be allowed to surely you can pretend to spit. Surely you'd be allowed to... Surely you can't get kicked out of heaven. Surely once you're in there, they're like, alright, you obeyed all the rules on earth. There can't be rules in heaven, surely. I'd be just enough of a jerk

to not get kicked out. I'd really back it so that they couldn't get us. I'd be like Scarface had had to get us on tax evasion or something. I'd be fucking crimes. I'm absolutely loyal to all of the fucking sins that I've committed since getting into heaven. They had to throw us out for something totally minuscule.

I think I'd get myself thrown out just the fucking... The second they all started singing, I'd be like, you know what? I'm going to go down where Gandhi and Mother Teresa is. Is Gandhi dead? Aye. Who am I thinking of then? Who was that the other day? Who'd be dull?

I think it was the Amazon guy. Fuck, I always get them too confused. Aye, Gandhi's dead. Here's a question two questions who was the last person in your house

since lockdown and who was the last person you hugged outside of the people in your house I think the answer to both of those is my mum aww so when have you not seen her for three weeks who's yours

the Amazon delivery guy he was the last person I hugged wouldn't let him in though don't go back she's in there later later

now I realised this when I was chatting the can on the knitting the last person I hugged was Mark Nelson

that's not that's not a bad one he doesn't he doesn't know yet because he doesn't watch any't know yet because he doesn't watch any of my online content that was

when I was up in Glasgow and the last person in my house was Andrew Dyer Geordie lad who was passing through London

on his way back home from work he was working away just before we were locked down just seems like we're in our world away now

back in the good old days we're just going to be like old like we're in our world away now. Aye, back in the good old days. We're just going to be like old grannies when we catch up, aren't we? When you fucking old biddies retire. Not much has happened since they've seen each other. Like, aye, you know, getting on. Aye, honestly, I never thought I'd be able

to catch up on the news. I know everything. Aye, they started watching back episodes. Aye, just getting the good ones. I wanted to start on 9-11 just because it's a great season. they started like watching back episodes I just getting the good ones went back to I wanted to start on 9-11 just because

great season didn't watch the Brexit season fucking that slow as fuck I did like the I did like the Nazi Prince Andrew bit like that was a good

like B story but that was a good subplot the Epstein thing good subplot right I've got hypothetical questions for you. I'll hit us with them.

Do you want a serious one or do you want a silly one first? Let's see what I've got and we'll see if I can split them into two categories as well and we'll do both the serious ones together. Alright, yes. I've got serious and silly.

What do you want to go for first let's go serious first alright if you could genetically design your baby who would you aye aye to what extent

erm I'd have a little black kid aye I just think that like just that just

cuter people. Aye. Cuter kids and that all the way through. Because white teenagers get, like, really fucking dorky and nerdy and all that. That awkward pubescent stage that Wilde went through. Aye. They're going to have to suffer that shit when they're transitioning, you know? To what level are you talking here?

Am I giving them superpowers they're just talking about like human traits no no but you didn't like uh well i mean i guess i guess you've answered the question answers yes you would um so you pick everything from like color to gender to like person would you go as far as like personality traits i guess i don't know how you'd engineer those i guess it would be more um if like now this is going to sound horrible

I'll just make sure I wasn't disabled don't just leave dead air to follow that I'm not

wanting to specifically don't just leave dead air to follow that you didn't leave enough dead air up

front for me to later on edit in a drum roll more for the kid than me I'd love them all the same depends what kind

of disability if it was something that was like a lot of energy needed on my end of things Don't know if I'd be able to do it Down syndrome would be good

I'm just like You'll be fun I mean Pal was fucking built I grew up with like He was just fucking easy company He'd always go in nets When nobody wanted to go in nets To Americans that makes me sound like a fish

Team player Just sounds like you grew from such a rural backcountry area that people were trying to catch him. He was always in nets, but we always got him out. I just get tangled up. I always had to snap the ring things off me cans because he's always got his head stuck in them. Aye.

Aye. off me cans because he's always got his head stuck in them aye I would I definitely now that you've brought colour into it I wonder if I would bring

because you could have a black one easily because you're going out with Natalie and they would just assume that she cheated on you and that you were colourful if me and Peggy have a black kid, people are going to be like...

Oh, hang on. Wait, I'm going to... Oh, you've just disconnected. I'm going to keep that running and ring him back, but we've just lost the phone call. So hopefully he's keeping it running at his end. And then... And if you still...

I fucking do. Hang on for me. Did you keep recording I did I good because we're on the same times great so what were you saying

about Piggy I was saying if you and Natalie had a black kid people would look at that kid and be like oh she cheated on him and he's an idiot

if me and Piggy have a black kid they're going to be like you stole that like that's like there's no they would just think you were adopted

because you're like fucking whatever list celebrity you are these days what letter are you like G or F or something

I think I feel bad saying Z now but no it's I'm definitely not Z anymore the Z is

I don't know like a fucking like E G or F right so I said E but I said GRF like I just

you know I'm just speculating so yeah you you probably look like you'd adopted like being a self-righteous

celeb level I would absolutely adopt I think it'd be great aye I would I would adopt Natalie wouldn't

no nah why she doesn't think she could love our own kid, never mind someone else's. Genuine. That's my main concern with her. She's like, what if it's a prick?

I think that's fair. She's the least broody person ever. She's like... I'd love to... Here's one of the main reasons I'd love to drop because I think people with accents that you don't

expect are the greatest thing in the world and I don't know if you've ever met a person of colour when they have a Scottish

accent Geordie Indians are the best Geordie Indians man because it just it throws you it throws you

out of whack for about 10 fucking seconds because your brain's, because of your own internal bias, not in a fucking bad way, but sometimes you look at someone,

you expect a certain voice to come out of their head, it doesn't, and your brain goes, what the fuck is this? And it's like, oh, it's great. Aye.

Aye, but it does put a smile on your face, doesn't it? Well, it just takes you out of whack. I mean, it's,

you know, it's like, it does, it does make you happy. Like, it makes me happy if I see an Indian person with a Geordie accent I'm yeah

a thick Scottish accent coming out from anything other than the pastiest white head you're like fuck yeah somebody's ancestors got it

you see I'd I'd I'd genetically write off my own skin colour. I wouldn't pass on my skin colour if it was optional. But then again, you're raising a kid that has struggles that you've

never experienced, so you're not even a good go-to. He or she. I wouldn't choose the gender. No? I want the gender to be an absolute roll of the dice. Oh, see, that's where I I'd pick an order. So this is

the, if given an option, if I was having one kid, roll the dice, right? But if I had them in order, I'd like the daughter to have an older brother. Right. Just a fucking, from a pure selfish level. And both black or both white?

Both black. Both black, right. Aye. So I have chosen the gender of when boy then girl. Aye. So I'd make sure perfect eyesight and hearing and all that stuff, I'm going to make them... You don't need any assistance

from the day I'm born. Aye. I would make sure they didn't believe in star signs. That'd be a big one for me. I think that's nature, mate. That's up to you. No, no. If we can pick the colour of the baby, we can do all this stuff. We're designing a perfect baby. I can't have them believing in star signs.

You can't have... Can you do personality traits? Is this... Oh, we're going this level? We can now, now that we're this far into the topic. Aye. If you could.

Because that's like... If you say, no, they're not into star signs or they don't believe in star signs, that means... So you're tuning up their logic and tuning down their emotion. Aye.

Oh, yeah, would I want them to be as autistic as I am? Would you want them to be into sports? Yes. But more so if they were a girl for some reason. I think that I wouldn't want to, because if I went, oh, I really want them to be into sports and started pushing them in that direction,

they might actually find their calling in music, but I haven't pushed them towards music because I've been, so I kind of want to let them find their own way but show them what's available. So I don't think I'd pre-ordain any of that. I don't know if ordain was the right word, but it sounded right

I would definitely make sure that they were attractive definitely cute do you want attractive kids though? well no cute kids I want cute kids in the sense that I don't want a fucking man people say there's no such thing as an ugly kid

there are some fucking hideous kids out there and that's fine but I do reckon it's such thing as an ugly kid. There are some fucking hideous kids out there. And that's fine. But I do reckon it's harder to love an ugly one. Like, I know we've got these chemicals in our brain that make us know you love it, like it's all fucking there. But surely, with the amount of people in the world, some people know that their kids are ugly.

And I reckon sometimes that makes them harder to love. But you're playing a dangerous game because can you remember like the majority of the attractive people in school that you went to school with like they didn't develop enough personality

for the real world there's something there's something to be said for like you're not going to get your life handed to you I don't necessarily mean I don't mean like beautiful I don't mean like fucking long I just mean like cute

like decent not you know like a solid a solid like 6 a 5 out of 10 in high school and then blossom when he or she

is like 22 I don't know if I'd want to impress my material value of attraction onto a pristine human brain oh fucking

fucking libtard Jesus Christ trying to have a fun hypothetical conversation fucking start cucking up in front of me Jesus Christ

you're trying to get your kids laid you dickhead aye who's the better dad I mean, jeez, that's great. You're trying to get your kids laid, you dickhead. Aye, who's the better dad? You're trying to get everyone to fucking spawn after your daughter, you fucking weirdo. Well, if I can, somebody else might as well.

You're trying to fill the spank bank with your own kids? This hypothetical's gone off the rails. All right, let's go to your one. That was the serious one. So the answer was yes, I would. Oh, you would, you fucking bigot. And what was it you said earlier? Especially if they were disabled. I've just had a cameo come in off a Karen.

The Karen one's a cameo office. It's the Karen. Does it say, please stop bullying me? Why does everyone think I'm going out with Daniel? So this is the serious hypothetical

because it may be true. Would you rather Piggy cheated on you with someone superior or inferior to you? Well, only one of those things exists, Guy. Would you rather be bested, right?

Or would you rather they go, oh, gross, fucking you blew that one. How is he superior to me? All right, it's Ryan Reynolds. It's just like she met someone when she was in earlier with you who was just on a fucking different level, right? And she guys off with him, or she gets drunk and guys with an absolute muntter on a night out.

You know, I'd rather she... I'd just have one superior. I thought you'd be too arrogant to be bettered by another human. No, no, because my arrogance would be the fact that they, because if she cheated on me, I'm assuming after this she comes back and she's all like, oh, we should stay together and all the shit that she

would do there. And then I've got the arrogance of I'm the one she came back to. Like, she might have, right, Meryl, she might have sucked your dick, right? But she came back, she went to your dick and then she came back she went to your dick and then she came back to my dick so who the fuck are you actually

that's how my brain would twist it I mean you've added bits to the whole oh no no no but I'm telling you that's how my brain

would process it so you'd be like yeah but the best man won because you only had a one night stand with her and didn't want her for the long run aye

and also and also like fucking you know cheating is horrible and stuff and you should never do it but you don't want to waste it on an ugly person and even that I don't want you know she's going to feel guilty about it I'm going to assume this is actual biggie she does cheat on me she's going to feel immensely guilty

about it it would make it easier for her if it was someone attractive because at least you don't have that question like why did I do it why did I be as Ryan Reynolds

like I know I did it but I shouldn't have done it as opposed to you know if it was I don't know you but I think Ryan Reynolds

maybe is a bad example because like everybody like knows who that guy is oh it's just like our guy it's just like

our guy like you don't know anything about him you control through his Facebook and you're just looking going oh for fuck's sake

look at the fucking car look at the house he's got a fucking Ferrari man look at the fucking shape he's in well it depends because it really

depends on what because that's not my definition of superior no but like that's the type of things that would like that's that's what I'm talking about but but like that's the type of thing that would like

that's what I'm talking about but imagine like she went with an open spot comic that would be the worst oh yeah like Elliot or something he broughed all over her tits oh god

I mean I just I just either way I'd just rather she didn't tell me if it was an inferior I'd feel like I was to blame I'd be like oh god I must have been inadequate for it to

look elsewhere that low. Aye. Right, but if it's someone that you consider to be inferior, you'd just be like, ah, she's only human. There'd be a bit of a day in that. Aye.

I'm sure she'd forgive me if it was on the same level. Oh, no, I reckon they'd be way madder as if it was a more attractive girl because then it's weakness on our part. Aye. Yeah. on the same level oh no I reckon they'd be way madder at us if it was a more attractive girl because then it's weakness on our part

yeah we come across weak I know oh but like if it's inferior you would look at oh maybe true love they might have had

a real connection why else would she do it she had everything here. I would still go superior. Give her a good time. Well, the answer is she doesn't discriminate. She does it with both. Oh, good. That's good.

Okay, bye. She's getting around. Silly one. If there was surgery that existed that meant men could carry babies just like women do but instead of women how would you convince natalie that those studies were fake how would you fully gaslight her for the rest of her life that that's not possible how would I disguise my pregnancy

how would I get the abortion no no no that's not the way I was phrasing it I meant in the sense like as a couple you can choose that the man is the one that carries the baby how do you convince her that it's not true

it's not true I know Steve did it but he was actually a woman born a woman How do you convince her that it's not true? It's not true. I know Steve did it, but he was actually a woman, born a woman, then went over and then, you know. Yeah, I've actually got polycystic ovaries, so you're going to have to date. I thought he can't. I would just date. I would take the pregnancy and the pain that comes with it

if I could would you she can't handle pain I hope that's what Pinky says about me it's gotta be a really it's gotta be a really horrible thing to do with her

if I do that because one she wouldn't love the baby two it's gonna two it's gonna knock you know she's gonna resent me for everything she goes through she's gonna resent you know she's going to resent me for everything she goes through

she's going to resent the kid she's going to be a fucking nightmare like at least if I have the kid I can right like you don't have to walk it or anything

I'll walk it just make sure you clean out its litter box occasionally Just put more sand in Yeah I'd probably just tick the hit Can you have one each? Oh and try and do it at the same time So have a new version of twins

Do you reckon if you could do that, if you could choose who had the kid and you had like two kids, like every family that's got two kids, do you reckon if the dad had one and the mum had the other, they'd consider them to be, oh, that's my kid and that's your kid

and there wouldn't be the fair duality that there is? No, no, because by that logic, mums could just do that to all dads all the time anyway. A lot of them do. Aye. No, I mean, I would lie through my teeth to Peggy.

I'd be like, I just, we don't, we can't afford it. Aye, we've got altitude coming up. Aye, it's just not. I can't get on skiing when I'm pregnant. I can't. You can. Peggy. I can't get on skiing when I'm pregnant. I can't get on. You can. Biggie, I can't go on stage while pregnant. Yes, Amy Schubert and Margaret Cho, sure, whatever.

Fine, fair and brave. Lucy Porter, whatever, whatever. Walking up there like Bart Crider. Jay Lafferty did it. Like, literally ring off every comedian that's a mam. Oh, but I'm talking about one that's for CMI Lucy Porter so are you just playing any excuse not to do it

I'm not doing that no like if she was like oh my god there's this surgery I'm like cool we can adopt or I'm whatever I know this is brand new but whatever it is I guarantee I'm whatever. I know this is brand new, but whatever it is, I guarantee I'm infertile for it. Aye, that's...

But you expect her to do it at some point. I don't expect her to do it. Nature expects her to do it. Aye. Like, she's been mentally preparing for this her whole fucking life. So are you going to go with that as nature? Are you going back? Are you going back? there's one thing women know

the way it got intended why exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly

exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly exactly bear they've had all the puberty and all they already know it's a shit show they've had periods for like the past 10

fucking years they are used to their body just being a bit shite I can't this has been great I get erections and you can't I've not prepared for that type of pain I'm with you here because I think I think piggy should definitely carry that your baby if he's had the choice because

you sir would be a terrible mother I'd just be such no I couldn't do it I'd be such a whatever the mum carry your baby if you had the choice because you, sir, would be a terrible mother. I'd just be such... No, I couldn't do it. I'd be such a... Whatever the mum version of a bridezilla is, me. Mumzilla. I'd be such a... And I'd never lose the baby weight. You got it in advance.

I'd carry that for her. What's your silly one imagine like you agree to it and everything you agree to the surgery and then you find out it grows in your ball sack

like no no no you just carry it up your everyone for nine months in your testicles you'd feel like such a pedo well no because I'm assuming it's...

Mums don't feel like pedos. Oh, there's a naked baby inside me. If it was in my belly, I wouldn't feel like a pedo. But if it was in my bowels, I'd be like, oh, it shouldn't be that close to me. What's it's in me? Stuff. Well, I mean, but that's where they came from it makes sense i'd hold a baby next to my belly i wouldn't hold it next to me fucking cock and battles so not even

if you haven't drop kick it i suppose it would swing past is that loop is that looping across Is I looped it across. Right. I'd carry the baby for Wallace. Oh, well, good for you. Well, fine. For everyone applauding you for this answer, just remember in the last answer,

he said he would kill a disabled. Did I? Yeah, exact words, direct quote. They'll put it in the new intro Shall we get a new intro for after this After the quarantine After the incident Is that what we're calling it? That's the Marvel reference, isn't it?

What? Do you know that? In Daredevil, in Punisher In 2012 Portal opening above New York as The Incident. This is our version of The Incident. Yeah.

So after The Incident, we should get a new intro. Which means we'll have to go and get Rich Massara out of retirement like Rambo 3. Just go and find him in the fucking woods somewhere and go, where the fuck have you been, mate? No, I think it'd be more like Indiana Jones.

We've got to go down an old lost tomb to uncover his fucking tomb. You know, find the sarcophagus, rip off the top and he suddenly comes out the top

and grants us three wishes. Have you heard from him in the last, this year? No. Nah, I'm going to try and ring him after this.

I wonder if he still listens to the podcast. Well, why would he? Why would he waste his time? Because he misses her? Well, I think that's optimistic, but sure. What's your silly hypothetical? My silly hypothetical

is, would you rather live as a dog, but with a human brain, or live as a dog but with a... That was the first one. Or live as a human, but with a dog's brain. Oh. Well, if I was a human with a dog's brain, I reckon I would be beat to death or murdered or just run in front of a...

I would be dead pretty fucking quickly. So if you're a human with a dog's brain, you're going to be bugging people for food. You're going to be not knowing where to piss. I know where to piss. If I'm a dog, there's one thing I know is where to fucking piss. I've got a human brain. No, I reckon I'd be properly...

No, you're a human with a dog's brain, so you could get toilet trained, I think. I think with a dog's brain and a human's body, you could toilet train a human. I'm not able to talk, I'm not able to converse, and that's not me. Like, being a human being with a dog brain, that's not me.

I'm going from massive... You've still got a human's voice box, so you'd have 50 words. Oh, so I've got the intelligence of a dog. Yeah, you've got a dog's brain. Hmm. I don't know. I think I'd be too nice and it just wouldn't suit me.

If I had a dog's brain, I'd be happy to see everyone. I'd be nice to strangers. And I'd just... It's like, no, no, I couldn't do that. That wouldn't be very me. Right. And as well, you wouldn't understand. You'd be leg hump.

You'd need new dad, you'd be a sex offender. Aye, I would. Aye. Right, now if you were a dog with a human brain, you would be severely encumbered with not being able to talk.

You wouldn't have the dexterity of like fingers and thumbs you'd be able to watch telly and that I could smell way worse and I could

you know I guess I'd never have sex again because I'm not fucking a dog like I don't you could suck your own dick

but you'd be sucking a dog dick I think I'd be a good I think I'd be a good like I think I'd be a pet because I would'd be a good like I'd be a good pet because I would just like I would be good

like I whatever they wanted me to I'd do all the fucking tricks you wouldn't love your owners you'd feel captive I would but as long as they

fucking fed me properly I reckon I'd get oh but they're going to feed you dog food you've got a human brain no the best thing I reckon I can

I'll find a I'll find a family because some people you're a picky eater aye you're going to be getting dry biscuits but I'm assuming if I'll find a I'll find a family because some people you're a picky eater aye you're going to be getting dry biscuits but I'm assuming

if I'm in a dog's body I then also love the taste of dog food but no no no you'd love the taste of all food you'd fucking you'd love the taste

of their meals you know what I mean like a fucking dog if you put a dog dog food down or like your steak it's going to go

out for the steak you're like we never feed the dogs the way we feed humans but they would love human food fuck they love chocolate no no man there's people that can feed their dogs on the fucking raw food diet it's the best thing to feed

them like I think I could get a good I could get a good dog meal out of it I think which both would me a little bit I think both would suck but which one would you go for because people aren't going to find you cute if you're a human with a dog's brain

but people are going to find you cute if you're a dog with a human's brain so it depends if you want to be cute or not I'll sub a dog with a human brain just because as much as still fucking lonely though I think you need to have a dog's brain to enjoy a dog's existence It's still the dog with human brain. Aye. Just because as much as... Still fucking lonely, though. I think you need to have a dog's brain

to enjoy a dog's existence. The pet could be suited to its brain and its body. I just hope I had an owner that had a good taste in fucking Netflix shows. Imagine, between two... I'd probably, as a dog, I'd run away a lot. I'd be with a little old lady, and I'm like, I'm not spending the rest of my very short lifespan now that I'm a dog, I'd run away a lot. I'd be with a little old lady and I'm like, I'm not spending the rest of my very short lifespan

now that I'm a dog, watching fucking Hollyoaks with this old cunt. I'm going to run away and find someone that's got Disney+. Aye. You can also find, what you could do is, if you were a dog with a human boom, what I would do is I would, I'd come and find you

and I'd be like and then i'd explain to you uh like i just get like stones pick them up and just put an entire message saying it's me i'm trapped in the body because if anyone's gonna believe that it's fucking you and then don't come up with me and started fucking spilling out with fucking one of my scrabble pieces or whatever. Aye. That is you. I'd laugh so hard at you for the longest time. Aye, but you'd also

believe it. I'd fucking chase you around and start flicking your cock and that's all you could do. If you tried to bite us and that I'd just fucking oh man, I'd put a leash on you and then fucking start laughing as I whack you around on the leash. Aye, OK.

You know what? You know what? I'd die in 10 years and just make you live with this. I'd break your fucking heart. Oh, my God. I would be in fucking stitches if you just fucking had done come up and... I thought you'd gone or whatever like I thought you'd died

coronavirus, but you'd really come back as a dog. I wouldn't tell anyone it was me. You could I don't want other people to know It would be a secret It would have to be otherwise they'd thought you'd gone mental in isolation. So fucking hell

Guy hasn't handled the death of slosh very well he's got a rottweiler called it's cream i'd laugh every time you're fucking pissed up against the tree and all that i'd just be a fucking bitch the whole day i'd still do a podcast with you it would just be me laughing and you barking everyone's like kai's gone insane aye so that's why I doubled out on my decision I've absolutely

been a dog with a human brain aye fair one sweet aye got out a plug aye

you have you've been sorry go on no no you go you've been doing sponsored links I know you don't I know you don't control your own Facebook page,

but you're sponsoring links for gigs in August. I think your agent's gone crazy. Aye. Well, I'm still, I mean, you know, as long as, if this all ends in two months, I'll still be doing my show during the not-fringe. They haven't been pulled yet. They're still in.

No, that's just basically, should they? Because we never know with this thing. At the moment, the sound seems to be decent enough that things might have died down. But the second they say, you know, you can now be in public places and you can be in crowds of 50, 100, whatever.

Whatever the sound of the crowd is, I'll be back gigging as soon as this is over. You'll see what's left is over you'll see us lifted so yeah you'll see us still pushing what's in I reckon I reckon there'll be

a fucking man I'm probably fucking excited to just like the day that this all ends and we're all led back out

I reckon there's going to be parties in the streets it's going to be great isn't it and then the second wave will wash over but like

for a second it's going to be class aye you got anything to plug just my shows online we've got isn't it? And then the second wave will wash over. But like for a second, it's going to be class. Aye. Anything to plug? Just my shows online. We've got the three shows that I've created before the incident are all available online on one purchase and you can get the discount by putting

COVID-19. So that's available. Also, me and Gav are going to do a scheduled stream of the comics boxing which anybody who's seen my Punch Drunk show will know the boxing event that I'm talking about

and anyone that hasn't, buy my show, watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about we're going to do a live stream of the comedians boxing like a scheduled where you can go on and have a watch party and just get everybody to try and turn up at once and watch this big sporting event back again. Sweet.

Sounds good. I'm going to say a week on Sunday at 7 o'clock. I'll have confirmation on the next podcast. But, yeah, I think a week on Sunday because we're not going to do Easter weekend. People might have their own little family stuff going on. So, I'm going to,

week on Sunday, seven o'clock, I'm going to aim for that. Everybody tune in, watch the comics boxing. All right, sweet. And,

that's it. That's all there is to plug. I got fucking shit-faced you that day, did you know that? No. Like, absolutely fucking trollied. Do you know when we were doing the last podcast?

Oh yeah, Colin did tell me that you were absolutely blurred. I ended up meeting up with Colin and Elliot on Call of Duty, fucking worst hangover ever, and fucking ended up having a city down shower the next day, I was fucking rotten. Oh, and here's something I did, you know how last week I told you that I drank gravy?

Aye. In the middle of a workout? Real refreshing treat. I feel like I'm slacking a little bit, like my composure's getting complacent. I kept making gin and tonics for me and Natalie, squeezing the lime in it

and then we were about to watch Thor Ragnarok and I went and put my contact lenses in without washing my hands after squeezing a bunch of limes brilliant absolutely superb that didn't tickle so last week I was drinking gravy this week I was putting limes in my eyes

well then why am I like this if you stopped doing it the coronavirus would win yeah it's true this is true your dad's slut drops off the high board Your dad's been walking up and down the streets of Edinburgh Ringing a bell and shouting

Bring out your dad Bring out your dad But he couldn't find an actual bell So he used the one off his bike Sorry, I sneezed, I'm dying That's all right. Come back as a dog. Your dad proposed with a

toe ring. Got down on his belly. Your dad tried to shoplift toilet roll by walking out of Sainsbury's pretending to be a mummy. Your dad barks at his own reflection in the mirror. Especially when he's driving.

Your dad doesn't think Carol Baskin killed her husband. He doesn't think Epstein was murdered. And he doesn't think he's high risk for COVID-19. Your dad says he's really trying to get the foot high five to catch on but deep down I think he just enjoys kicking black people Wow Your dad had a piss in his dream

and when he woke up he'd written off his car and he was covered in piss and blood Your dad got a temporary tear tattoo under his eye in prison and when he woke up he'd written off his car and he was covered in piss and blood. Your dad got a temporary tear tattoo under his eye in prison. It means he kissed a guy in prison but the guy didn't like it. Henna. When your dad used to drop you off at school

he would wait outside in the car with the engine running until you finished. He's single-handedly to blame for global warming. Because of his warm heart. I'm not really sure. It's not how I ended

with that joke. It was a big one. It was a good one. It was a screamer to finish on. Right, send us your audio file and I'll tag'll talk to you Sunday tomorrow

Friday Friday Friday day knitting plug that day knitting day drinking oh yeah

I'm doing my drinking tomorrow at 12 so Friday at 12 and then you're going to come and knit with me for 10 minutes or 15 minutes after

sweet right see you then bye bye