Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 7. Tik Tok Toe

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Muggins and Cream really glorify their glory days before admitting their life has moved on as they are too old for Tik Tok in todays Easter Special while owning up to open social media mugglery with couples challenge videos. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha!

They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia!

Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, this is Sloss and Humphries on the road, the sixth or seventh episode of your quarantine. And I am the road. How is everyone? Together we are Shagger and Beef. Shagger and Beef? I thought I'd go with like parody names.

Why Beef? I don't know go with like parody names Why beef? I don't know That's just because One of us is dead muscly Two of us are on a beef I worked out that I was Shagger So why are you called Beef? You're not Shagger Who's had sex with more people?

Who's had sex with more people? Because it's parody world No Is that what you're saying? Math wise Who's had sex with more people? Ah, right. Who's in sex with more people? Because it's parody world. No. Is that what you're saying? Math-wise, who's in sex with more people,

me or you? Aye, but like, you're standard. You didn't have much of a... Fuck off! You didn't have quality control

for the whole of it, you know what I mean? Oh, you want to play with this fucking... As if you have the Hall of Fame. Aye, look, a couple have slipped the net with me.

How did they fit through the net? I saw the size of them. But yours was like a race to the top, though. You were trying to... I genuinely and sincerely resent that because my chase to the top was the opposite. Don't get me wrong. You weren't doing the dead behind the eyes.

You weren't enjoying any of it. Fuck, you weren't there. You don't know how I looked behind the eyes. At least I was like high-fiving rickets on that on my heyday. Having a wild time.

You were enjoying it so little you had to bring in outside entertainment via my rickets. Aye, Tom. You never had a threesome you had to bring in outside entertainment via my records aye Tom have you ever you never you're like you never

had a threesome with Soppa did you my wife just passed two and shook her head as I'm rhyming off all the lads that have been

in threesomes just at their point that you rang me like too late now bitch she's like where are all these hunks of men when I know that I've come along why do you have your Just at their point at your ring, being like, too late now, bitch. It's like, why are all these hunks of men now that I've come along?

Why do you have your hair day out of wedlock? What did you ask us before my wife distracted us? You never had a threesome with Sopit,

no? No, there was one lined up in Ireland, I don't know why it didn't come off, the lassie was keen. Oh,

jeez, poor girl, that would have I don't know what, I don't like I don't know how the Tories fox hunt like whether they select foxes to be specifically hunted but that's how I imagine

it is, in my head the way the Tories hunt there's a selection of foxes, they pick the one they want to murder like if it belongs to a disabled child, double whammy. That's a double win for them. They select the fox, they go and hunt it. I imagine you and Soppa picking a girl or boy to have sex with would be like the working class version of that.

If there's a girl that'll have a threesome with me and Soppa, they find you. that. Nah, if there's a girl that'll have a threesome with me and stop it, they find you. You don't even find people like that. They make themselves known, you know. When God closes a hole, he opens

a bimbo. I was good with bimbos, though. We're great on that. I was really tolerant with personality flaws like the way no no let me explain why

for the sake for the sake of textbook attraction you were able to when we were both single whippersnappers you

were good what you no in fact let me clarify you like to claim that what you were good at was that you were able to

like see past the stupidity I didn't discriminate on intelligence the way that you do I mean discriminate is such a beautiful way of twisting what actually happened here we go again

no no no you're saying because I wouldn't fuck women who couldn't name four countries, you class that as discrimination. I call it standards.

He didn't know... Aye, but... We just had standards in different ways, you know? No, we didn't... Guy, Brian,

Humphries. That is... Aye, but if the... If the... If the words ways you know no we didn't Guy Brian Humphries that is aye but if if the if the ways are there like look the ones

that were that thick didn't have to queue for nightclubs right yeah the fact that you're playing

it was a trade off wasn't it it wasn't a trade off it was no let's we can talk about this at length first problem is I'm not It was a trade-off, wasn't it? It wasn't a trade-off. It was... No, let's...

We can talk about this at length. First problem is, I'm not discriminatory because I won't fuck someone who is mentally not there. Aye, but if some of them are physically ill... Aye, and that makes me progressive.

You see the difference, right? You know what's funny about this? No, no, see, I'm the progressive one. I bounce off of the physical disability and progressive. If you won't bounce, so it bounces out for me, actually. So you, when you first met Natalie, because she, back in her 20s. Hold on, hold on. Let me cast my memory back.

Give us a... I think you just assumed she was going to be an absolute dipshit. I did. I did when I didn't meet her. I did assume that she was thick as shit for several reasons. And all insults aside, like, I'm not going to be cheap about this. I did think she was thick as big shit. Just because, like, you met her at a music festival

and a Scottish music festival. Aye, Rockness. Aye. And I'm not saying everyone there is a fucking idiot, but, like, you know, they're not, none of them have PhDs. That's not the one reason why I thought she was stupid. One of the main reasons I thought she was stupid was, and she said this since she's been with you, to be fair to her. But one of her big things is she was just like, he's just, he just seems so happy and I'll just be, you know, I just really like how happy he seems to be.

And I was like, you're a fucking idiot. Because that's why I like him. But also the number one reason why I'm not marrying him. Me not being gay comes in after it, actually. She's just lazy when it comes to fellas, you know. Like, she didn't want someone that's a challenge. She just wanted someone that's already happy. Yes, and that's how I feel about Piggy. Like, that's why I went...

Like, me and Natalie are the same person, right? We're two Scottish people. I still stand by it that you picked your partner based on me. You definitely have. No, I... Because, right, one, happy all the time, right, low maintenance. Two,

quality body. Three, a redhead bombshell. Four, four you fucked me sister By the same things You picked your wife based off of me Right Scottish

Great the donk a donk Lots of junk in the trunk Oh my god a donk a donk, lots of junk in the trunk. Oh, my God. Hard dung, tough upbringings. Tough upbringings? They'll pay you. No, no, let me think. Show them a spoon clove.

We both grew up non-white in Scotland, so that's, you know. You had the struggle of a brown girl in Scotland, didn't you? No, no, but I was born in England. And to be fair, I guarantee you, I promise you, as a Scottish person that was born in England, I've dealt with harder times than your brown wife in Scotland. I promise you. I've experienced more Scottish racism than your wife.

I almost guarantee it. That probably wounds you as well. It must be getting boring at this point, but everyone will always bring it up. Well, it depends how it comes up. Like, there's... Look, there's sometimes when people bring up the fucking... the fact that I was born in England,

and it's a... You know those... It's like a roadblock in your argument and you just have to accept it, you go look I've won this argument 50 other times before but I'm not willing to go through the argument here you've brought it up now, that's the fucking be all

and end all of it, but I'll take it on the chin, look it is fucking funny you know me, anything that winds someone up is humorous right, as long as it's done. Here's the difference though, right? You know, I say if somebody looks at me and goes, right, you're from Blythe, you're technically not from Newcastle,

your football team should be Blythe, your town centre's Blythe, you're technically not a Geordie, you're Northumbrian, by technicality, and then someone meets us and then goes, oh, right, that's what a Geordie is. Whereas people who have the qualms of you, they're in the meeting going ah he is a little bit English I fucking made it

fucking explain yourself I told you it hurts I told you it hurts that's right explain yourself explain yourself before we do the shortest podcast that's ever taken place

alright okay you're an avid Chelsea fan that reeks of English no no no no that reeks of glory hunting that being a Chelsea fan, that reeks of English. No, no, no, no. That reeks of glory hunting. Being a Chelsea fan reeks of the fact growing up as an East Fife fan, a Hips fan and a Scotland fan, just suddenly deciding

I deserve a team that wins and I want to watch the Premier League. I have to find one team in the Premier League that I can watch and support. I'm a bigger East F 5 fan than I'm a Chelsea fan, purely for the fact that I've been to a lot more East 5. And I'm a bigger Hibs fan than I'm a Chelsea fan. I've been to more

Hibs games and more East 5 games than I've ever been to Chelsea games. I've been to minimal Blythe Spartans games, but if they ever met Newcastle in the FA Cup, I couldn't support Newcastle oh you know

I couldn't I couldn't root for the Toon to beat Blythe East Fife East Fife played East oh no I was about to tell

a full on full on fucking lie I was about to say East Fife played to Hibs in the Scottish Cup a couple of years ago it wasn't himself

I'm a liar another reason why I think oh I was going to say because you don't like beer you would think a Scottish person would like beer but that wouldn't make you English because English people would like beer as well I think liking beer is very British but what if I do like whiskey

you force yourself to like whiskey I don't but generally specifically for those fucking reasons. And that wasn't even for English reasons. It was the fact that like, I was just so bored of going out to America and doing the clubs out there.

Like really nice clubs, but they're all like, hey, you're Scottish. You must like scotch. And I'm like, no, we're a bit more, we're a bit more complex than that.

And then by night two, I was drinking bottles of whiskey because, I'm glad I persevered with whiskey. I then by night two, I was drinking bottles of whiskey because... Aye. I'm glad I pissed off the Edward whiskey. I really like it now. I do. I thought it was a prank. I thought it was like, nobody really likes it.

People are drinking it, but they're not really enjoying it. They're doing it out of some heritage thing. Or they're drinking scotch because it's cool to drink scotch. You know what I mean? I always thought people were putting on a facade when they had it. No, it's... But I was drinking it wrong. I was drinking it like I was on the sesh yes you've nailed it that is and yeah it's it's people drink whiskey and they go fuck it i mean i know it gets you i know it gets you

drunk quick but fucking you know it tastes so shit and you go you're taking mouthfuls like what you're meant to do with whiskey is take a very small amount without ice. I mean, I just actually... I do some things... You know, if I'm stressed out, like there's been the end of a long road, having a long pull on a whiskey, not just a sip, but a bit of a pull on a whiskey. Embracing the fucking...

The burn. That shocking feeling, the burn. Embracing that. You're like, yeah, I fucking needed that. I needed that hit. Do you remember one of the ones that always stands out for me for one of the greatest whiskey drinking scenes in a movie when it just shows you,

it's the Casino Royale after James Bond, after he's fucking beating up all those cunts in the fire, by the escape who were trying to do a rape on his mate girl he has a like he literally pours like I'm talking I was about to say four fingers it was a fist worth of whiskey and he does it in two

and you go that's when it's medicinal that's when you die you needed that pal you know another one is not a downing of whiskey but like a just enjoying of one and you're going to have this yourself on the

3rd of November the whiskey weeding Warren Zevon moment on Californication where he just holds the glass up to Lou Ashby once he's finished

publishing his book aye so that's the one I'm still waiting for my whiskey because it's not it's not in the day it's published

so we're talking about Californication Hank is it not the moment he writes the end uh yeah yeah so it's when he finishes the book it's it's the three w's whiskey weed one and see von uh now technically the book is is is finished we're still writing the acknowledgments making sure all the spell checks are done so it's going in between us but but like the thing that really missold me in californication is like there's one moment where the book's over and i'm like that's the moment i'll do warren's weed uh warren's weed that's the day i'll do uh whiskey weed warren's evil and turns out there's like nine of those days where it's either like, this is the day,

this is it, so I've still not done it yet. I think I might wait until like the first, until I get like the first copy of the book in my hand. Ah, yeah. And then go down. So it's gone to print. Aye. And then with the book,

go down into my garden with Whiskey Weed Warrants Eve on and then do that i think that might because also i finished the book during quarantine and whiskey wheat was not going to be like a new exciting thing it's just how you're living anyway you need to do it at the end of a health kick speaking of uh speaking of uh my book i've not done much announcements about it. So I've got two things to bring up. It's still at this stage going to be released on the 3rd of November this year. At the moment, it's still coming out then. That's what we're aiming for.

That's what we want. There will be a book tour in America afterwards based on it. Fingers crossed, based on what everything's fucking going on. But the book is still coming out at that time. It's just called Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die and it was named that in November but now it's funnier as a title every month

that passes. Oh my god. Prophetic. And now I'm going to do something which is going to sound like me digging for compliments, but I promise you it is leading up to something. I wrote this book while we were on tour, on that 18-month X tour, when I was in not my best place.

But it was one of the things that I put a fair bit of work into. So there's a little bit from the darkness in it? Yeah, yeah, there's a bit there. I wrote a lot of it. I wrote not a lot of it, but I wrote some of work into it. So there's a little bit from the darkness in it? Yeah, yeah, there's a bit there. You know, I wrote a lot of, not a lot of it, but I wrote some of it while drunk. I wrote a lot of it while high. I wrote a lot of it while, you know, angry, whatever. And I've gone through it since then and changed things up.

But I've never written a book before. I know I'm good at stand-up, but the things I'm not good at, I'm less confident. People who see me doing stand-up will assume that I'm confident like this all the time. But with things that I'm not good at, I'm less confident. People who see me doing stand-up will assume that I'm confident like this all the time. But with things that I'm not good at, I'm not. I'm a nervous fucking wreck about things.

I don't know how good I am at things. And stand-up's easy to know how good you are. If you know how good you are, and then you start writing a script or something, and in the script you look at your pages and go, I've just made two people that I've never met have a boring conversation yes exactly

like fuck a really forced humour and you're like oh god like yeah you have doubts and there's no one at the other side

of the stage laughing so while I'm writing this book because the guy my publisher Peter was my editor

he was he thanked me he was like I want you to write my editor he was so he was he thanked me he was like I want you to write this book he was really nice and complimentary

but they're always meant to be of course he's never going to be like this is shit like every compliment he gave me and he's so nice and he's so supportive and I know it's genuine

but there's that bit inside of me that goes you're literally paid to say this and I know you did but like there's nothing else

you could say if this was shit you wouldn't be able to tell me so are they not You're literally paid to say this, and I know you did, but there's nothing else you could say. If this was shit, you wouldn't be able to tell me. Are they not paid to be brutal, though? Oh, they are, they are, but there's still... I've got that scepticism. Don't get me wrong, he's been brutal about some bits of it. He's cut some bits out, and he's like, this needs to go wherever, but there's other parts.

I just don't know, man. It's right in the book. It's bathing your fucking soul. So I send it out to all of the people I love and I want them to read it. People that are going to give me honest feedback. And that list was my parents, Peggy.

Me and Gene. You, Gene, Ali, Hogg, and Breed as well yeah send it all out

oh and also Troy and I've passed it on to Natalie it's just halfway through it alright so you you read it you had some very

very lovely genuinely lovely things to say that meant a lot to me and you yeah it was great like I flew through it I read it I read it really quick

like it was fucking a page turner right and and it I read it really quick like it was fucking a page turner and your wife read it and has not mentioned anything to me since she that should actually fucking

avoided you actively actively I sent I sent you the book about two months ago and again real

to give you credit and thank you you message me almost every day, just specifically being like, I love this line, this bit's great, you've repeated here. Like, man, you were in contact all the time, just going, this bit's brilliant, I like this.

And it was, man, it was really supportive and I loved it. Because that's the thing where you send it into the ether with a book and you're like, and now I'll pass this by and you're like you go an hour passes by and you'll go why haven't they fucking said anything yet because

as if you had just expected to read an entire book in an hour they probably haven't even opened the email but you have that insecurity right I'm sure you do

yeah absolutely yeah 100% I bet you would have given me feedback my parents gave me feedback even like there was times where I was very bad

like I was in the room while while Piggy was in the room while, while Piggy was reading it. Like, so Cara's just fucking sat there reading it and she'd laugh out loud and I'd stop her reading. I'd stop her reading my book

and be like, what, what bet, what, what bet made you laugh? And she'd quote it back to me and I'd laugh at my own joke. It's a real tale in narcissism

your wife's had the book for about three months aye you need to have a word with her about that aye so I asked her after I brought it up

on the Knitten the Knitten live stream I asked her about it she was like oh well she was reading it on her commute to work and back which doesn't exist anymore

but also it's like she's got to zoom in it's on it's like she's got to zoom in it's on her phone and she's got to zoom in on the thing I read it on my iPad I think so I'll just give her

my iPad and read it on because she says it's like a long form book but I'm fucking zooming in do you have a Kindle? actually it's not on the Kindle yet no but I can get it

on the Kindle for her oh can you? I do that because fucking she's got eyes worse than me and she's just been like straining on her phone with it. But anyway, I'm making excuses up front now.

She just doesn't like you. Which is, I just wish you had the option to say. Now, we haven't done Muggle Corner in a very, very long time. But I know you have. But we're in it. We are in it. We are in it I we are in it we are in it for longer than 30 seconds

I know it's meant to be 30 seconds per thing but we've got to spend a good day or two oh man I think we have to quarantine solidly in the corner for I think that might be one of our couple challenges now like a quarantine in

muggle corner man that couple challenges now like the quarantine in muggle corner that couple challenges people are really enjoying it so just to give the very few listeners who for some reason listen to this podcast religiously but don't follow us on social media hello you psychos should you exist

Cara has been sent uh which which by the way can i just uh i'll just put the interjection in here um piggy took it upon herself to say feel free to use my name now i don't want people to think i'm called karen if you can just get my name out there so they don't think i'm called karen all right so the problem is uh uh katie's real name is uh is cara k-a-r-a uh what happens is is if you're a fucking tory if you're like a proper english can they like to say cara like cara it's a lovely name, isn't it? It's said the Tory way. Lovely name. No, but my argument is... Cara! It's pronounced Cara when it's a C, right? Because it's car, C-A-R-A.

Car-A. Cara. That's why C-A-R-A is pronounced Cara. Cara is K-A-R-A. so it's cat rap that's what it's that's and i'll not i'll not be arguing it's like it's it's the more of the rolling of the r that just makes its ugly caroline herrera You mean Caroline Herrera? No, Caroline Herrera. Cara. It's a horrible name to yell in a Scottish accent

and she will have to be patient. So everybody's saying that we outed our name, but she outed herself in defiance of being known as Karen. So she has just adopted a new nickname because that's how nicknames are born. We'll find out what you don't like being called and we call you it for the rest of your life, Karen. So she has just adopted a new nickname because that's how nicknames are born. We'll find out what you don't like being called and we call you it for the rest of your life, Karen. Yeah, which is a bit, yeah.

Guys, just to let you know, I'm really upset by this nickname. Brilliant. That's what you're called forever. Hi. So you, me and my damn sluts and you and your educated slut have... I believe that yous are more muggly than me

because I thought you were sending unique challenges, but you were mining TikTok. Oh, no, see, I... You mined TikTok for challenges and then challenged... I didn't mine TikTok, but absolutely, Cara is... She's been mining. She's also being sent to by someone else, but I'll happily sell her down the river.

She's a fucking muckle. She's finding these challenges that people are doing on TikTok. TikTok, you dad. Let's not get into it, Cara. I'm an old man. You're 30 this year. Starting to show. Beeb space.

Do you not feel like, like, genuinely, and I hate to sound like an old cunt, right? But have you actually watched what these youths are doing on TikTok? Have you seen what, have you seen much of it, Kai? I've seen people, like, lip-syncing movie quotes and lip-syncing stuff. That's their banner. And then I saw Adam Convery, Dad's on TikTok, one of our friends who's in his 40s,

doing a press-up. And then when he'd done a jump press-up, like a clap press-up, and his feet left the ground as well, he'd done various different poses in the sky as if he'd done it in one press-up and landed. So I guess it's just kind of funky video editing that makes you look creative

when it's actually just borrowing the app producer's creativity to make you look creative. Is that what it is? I'm not saying that. All I know is the bits that fill me with rage are the ones that go viral. It's just of someone who is infinitely more attractive than I am and younger, just playing both parts of the movie and movie Step Brothers

and just doing voice things of a scene from Step Brothers and then the people being like this is genius and like he's literally it's not even

like lip syncing songs I would argue sometimes in some way maybe involves a little bit of skill like I

but still Muggle coming out to enjoy yeah yeah yeah but look in all honesty man look enjoy what you need to enjoy yeah yeah yeah but look look in all honesty man look enjoy what you need to enjoy

yeah lip sync battles they're harmless they're muggly as shit but I've seen a couple they do them at Melbourne Comedy Festival

every year comedians go on and do a lip sync battle I do enjoy it right a little bit of fun yeah it's a bit of fucking fun

a little bit of a little bit of harmless mugglery yeah to get you through your your existence that's going to end

at some point maybe soon and there's the there's the lip syncing show on TV that they do I don't watch it but Channing Tatum's on it

so it must be good but magic make but hey hey superb actor gorgeous man I would die for Channing Tatum

and I mean that sincerely. We must protect him. National treasure. He really is. And not even ours, but we've just claimed him as one. He's our national treasure. Whatever nation he's from,

like Uganda or whatever, I don't know. Whatever he's from, you know, Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum. No, no, I think his mum's from Mozambique and his dad is from

Kilkenny that classic mix no classic mix that's what I call people from Kilkenny the classic mix what were we talking about

we were talking about lip syncing battles in TikTok it was like lip syncing yeah-syncing battles. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like lip-syncing. Yeah, the lip-syncing battles, because you can dress up, you can really play the part of whatever, extravagant.

Like you're Elton John for your lip-sync, so you're wearing feathers in your fucking bag, you've got big-ass sunglasses on, you're giving it big licks the way that the rock and roll legend Elton John performed shit man

some cunts are in their bedroom doing scenes from Anchorman that they did not write nor did they improve any way whatsoever and these things

are getting six million and I feel like an old man I feel like an old man I've got this is it this is how

I knew you yeah like I had this with Snapchat made when Snapchat was out old man. Okay, I've got, this is how, this is how, yeah, like, I had this with Snapchat made. When Snapchat was out,

I was like, I'm the old man now. And that was probably about five, six years ago. That's about

the distance you're off from me. You're getting the feeling I felt when Snapchat came out.

So, Snapchat made sense to me because when somebody explained Because you were 24. What? Because you're 24.

What? Because you're 24. No, no. Allow me to... Okay, allow me to play... I'll pitch you both Snapchat and TikTok separately while you're the same as you are now. And I promise you Snapchat will make more sense than TikTok.

Right, I'm going to delete my memory. I've never heard of any of those apps. You tell me which. Cool. I'll start off with, hi, so it's like Dragon's Den, right?

So you're one of the dragons. I'm in your den. Yeah, I'm the dragon of Shrek. Great. So sexy as fuck. And unfortunately, I'm hung like a donkey.

So you and me are going to have some fun after this. Yeah, I've got hot eyes. Right. So I've come up with this new app. It for your phone basically what you do is you know some of your favorite scenes from movies like whether it's comedy or drama you know you know like uh like uh i'm gonna get all up in your veg with my duke. With my duke from Wunderlust. From Shrek. That sort of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, from Shrek. Get out of my swamp. All up in my swamp with your ogre. What is it? All up in your onions with my layers. I'm trying to pitch here, sir. I'm riffing with it. I'm not.

Look, I'm laughing, but only because I want you to buy my product. Okay, you're humouring us. Aye, but at the same time, you're humouring me. So, any of your favourite movies, any of your favourite scenes from anything, Humoring me. So, any of your favorite movies, any of your favorite scenes from anything, TV shows, movies, any of your favorite songs, you can lip sync along to it, pretend you're the parts in it, right? But lower budget with none of the background.

And it's just you doing both bits. And any movie, like the the movie Friday can I be like you got knocked the fuck out can I can I be like I'll stay out of court right now

for ten dollars in an envelope stuff like that yeah yeah yeah so that was the movie Friday and then after that was Shawshank Redemption I believe

correct yeah yeah yeah those are both both available five dollars in the jawbreaker aye so

hey Miss Parker sorry mate I'm just I'm just really getting we're going to be fuck Miss Parker yeah those are both both available five dollars in the jawbreaker aye so what hey Miss Parker sorry mate I'm just I'm just really getting we're gonna be fuck Miss Parker I think you just need to

actually download TikTok like by this I was pitching this as a joke but you've really really taken to it alright

so that's TikTok so that's TikTok right okay that's TikTok, right. Okay, so that was the first pitch. It says, you able to recreate movies and send them to teenagers. All right, here's my pitch for Snapchat. Right.

How much would you like to send a dick pic to a girl and her not be able to prove it? That's hilarious. I'm going to go with that because I don't know what because I don't know what's on Snapchat pick a pitch I get what you're saying

right so that's where Snapchat I wasn't on Snapchat because I enjoyed the filters it was occasionally a stranger would send me a picture of their

fucking arsehole and I was like great I've got 10 seconds to wank to this. There was a lass that used to send me pictures on Snapchat all the time. And she would go for a sunbed and that. And she would send us a picture of her on a sunbed on Snapchat.

15 seconds, gone. Sometimes it was a screencap between half. I was busy. And then I started going out with Natalie. And it was Natalie for a bit. And these pictures were still coming through and I'm like

nah I wasn't the only one getting them I didn't I didn't feel special and actually it was scrolling through it would be like assuming the mailman

only delivered to you like oh all of these cards are for him don't get me wrong I'm upset that he keeps billing me for things but it I'm upset that he keeps billing me for things

but it's so nice that he stops by when my phone would just randomly just flash up and I was just like this is the last thing just cupping our tits

together and that just kind of suggestive and I was just sat there we'll be future away from that and I was like this app's probably got to go.

I don't think it's for me. I enjoyed it for a bit, like. But now it's just getting, it's going to compromise my lifestyle if I keep this app. Ah, it's just random people. But if it was just someone just like shouting quotes from Friday and all that, like, he's laying all the pigs feet and be like, ah, class, Natalie's seen this.

all the pigs feet and be like, ah, class, Natalie's seen this. If there's anybody listening to this podcast that's a fan of the Ace Cube and Chris Tucker movie Friday,

it's a good one for them. Everybody else is going to be confusing. You know, can we put out an appeal to our fans and listeners? Sure.

I like how you downgraded them immediately. They're fans. From fans to listeners. No, no, no, I didn't downgrade them. I put them as two separate categories. Okay. So there's the OGs and then there's the rest of them. There's the ones that want a button.

There's the ones that also want a photo with me after the show. Alright, that's a fair definition. And then there's the fans. Can we appeal to the fans and listeners to do a TikTok of the of the intro of the podcast and just post it

on the social media oh I mean absolutely if any of our listeners over the age of 30 want to download an application called tic-tac-toe just not the one you play on the bus windows it's not the one you play on a prostitute's back with a knife

i'm sorry what just a little joke just a little joke no no what you do what with where oh Christ censorship oh my god no no no no don't ever assume asking questions is

censorship oh god it sounds like we're jokes it's not it's not like something goes up on stage and it goes right

just say something absolutely or really I'm sorry did you just say the n-word wow I'm being censored

no no no no just clarifying whether or not you said the n-word oh idiots oh by the way I got censored for the weakest right Whether or not you said the N word. Oh, idiots.

Oh, by the way, I got censored for the weakest... Right, so A Station asked me to do some shorts for a section on the show, and it had to be clean. What station? A Station. A Station? Yeah. I'll not throw them under the bus.

Okay, cool, cool. But yeah, I put forward like tweet forms I wanted them to be like 15 seconds long and one of them was I like to do something every day

that scares me but now that's just stuff like collecting a package off the postman or putting the bins out Right That was too harsh

Ugh Insensitive apparently Insensitive towards a struggle that I am also going through Right that was too harsh insensitive apparently insensitive towards a struggle that I am also going through alright

well I know you can't mention it but allow me to just say fuck the BBC aye aye that's that's about that's about the top

bottom aye it's always it's always the fucking BBC completely unrelated comment from Daniel there but you know no no from the bottom of my heart,

the one thing running in the back of my mind at all times is fuck the BBC. Most of my career for the past five years has been based on the mantra of fuck the BBC. In your monologue, it's like the pinstripes on Conor McGregor's suit, of your internal monologue. Man, can I just tell you, I don't know if there is a world record for the longest and hardest someone has ever laughed, but I reckon I competed for it the day BBC Three was cancelled.

Man, the day BBC Three went under. And allow me to say this while shit-faced, every single person who lost their job absolutely deserved it. What a cunt of a channel. Everyone from the top to bottom, all piles of shit. Good riddance to the lot of them.

Anyway, if you're listening, guys, thanks for the grateful employment while I'm otherwise redundant. Yeah, and you're listening, guys, thanks for the gainful employment while I'm otherwise redundant. Yeah, and for you guys, I'll come crawling back in approximately two years. Anyway, I've got to send that first. So the stuff that went out was pretty, yeah, pretty pedestrian, let's say.

No, it was all right. They still let a good couple of things through. So it was fine. I recorded the day erm is Molly am I in trouble for this probably aren't whatever

no no she's been erm god bless her she's been very er patient with er

things she keeps trying to make me work and I'm realising that that it's going to amount to nothing er it's hard work for her making us work right now she's trying to make me work and I'm realising that it's going to amount to nothing. It's hard work for her making us work right now. She's trying to get me to sort out my photos for my fringe poster, even though

the fringe is being cancelled. I understand she just wants it kind of in the can so it's ready to go, it's oven ready for when I do get my new show written and find an outlet for it I've got my media ready and she just wants that locked away

she's like look this is something we can do while we're locked down what she does is the reason it fails is because she promises if you do this now I won't bother you in the future and I go no no no if I do this now you'll bother me about something else in the future

like you're not reducing how much you bother me. You're just getting something out of the way. She'll find something else after that at the minute. I'd get it done by tomorrow, but time's ticking. Ticking, TikTok, back to this. Please, please, everybody, if you're on TikTok or not, just start... I mean, it's not going to go on viral,

but at least it'll be a little bit of a splash if you guys just doing our intro or one person doing two characters or two people doing each of muggins and cream or shagging beef whichever whatever names you want to call them um i just send away a tiktok tag way and get them get them on the internet and um and that me and danny aren't gonna get tiktok but we are are going to be on TikTok so please get it out there I'm sorry this and this also does take us back to why you and me are in Muggle Corner which are these

we always get there in the end, I mean we don't but there's these TikToks going around of couple challenges which are the most they are the definition of M the most pain, they are the definition of Muggle to their

core, they are pure uncut raw Muggle rave and I've been taking part in every single one of them It's pretty good, we've got one to do now, you've just sent us the challenge over, have you put yours on lane yet? That looked like a hard one

No, we're not. I'm not putting them all. My problem is not my problem, but like, because there's so many challenges. And also me and Cara have actually been doing these challenges for about a week with our friends for Jill. Like, it's... Just for ourselves. Just for

Cullen watching. Cullen's just bored in the house. So like, hey, Cullen, watch this. Not even recording that. Watch this. Of course I make a film. Of bored in the house. So like, hey, Cullen, watch this. Not even recording that. Watch this. Of course I make him film them. Of course I do. I'm like, sit perfectly still like we're balancing you on a chair.

That's what everyone else is doing, but we're going to make you hold it. Oh, by the way, I love that. The running thread about Cullen, this whole quarantine, is that he's put no content out. He's been scared of dying. There's been no football on,

so he hasn't been watching the football and making a laugh with these observations that I've got wrong about football. He doesn't have any opinions anymore. He literally is doing nothing. He's a fungus. He's a mushroom. He's doing zero and he's getting roasted for it. Yet every video that Cara sends, it's Cullens

in the background, day and night, not watching telly, not paying for his phone, just being there. Someone's put Colin on standby. I say that, but he come on Call of Duty last night when I was off my box, mate,

I was fucking stoned, I found some old stuff, it's weed lying around,oned. I found some old soppits weed lying around. Didn't have any tobacco, so just rolled a straight spliff and knocked Natalie out straight away, so I put Call of Duty on. And it was me, soppit, Matty, and Ricketts, and then my dad took our Ricketts, and Matty, sorry, Cullen took over soppit.

These are all real people's names. And I, Cullen was on something and these are all real people's names and I Cullen was on top top form he had he had fucking me and my dad in absolute pieces last night

on Call of Duty I'm going to try and see if I can stay up to date and if you're on tonight I'll be on tonight I'll be on the night

it's a funny one with Call of Duty because like me and Natalie when she's off like four days for the Easter weekend and she's happy to read a book and just do her own thing while I do my own thing but I cannot play Call of Duty because like me and Natalie when she's off like four days for the Easter weekend and she's happy

to read a book and just do her own thing while I do my own thing but I cannot play Call of Duty without compromising her enjoyment of whatever she's doing

she can't sit there reading a book while I'm shouting on aye that's that's often a thing it's really it's a real

anti-social game to play a lot of the Marlethers I think they they always are because as much as you're like oh no I'm present

and I can pay attention because here's the thing while you're playing some games Call of Duty is a bad example there's some games you can play where you can listen

to a podcast while you're playing it and because you're able to listen to a podcast you're like I'll be able to hold a conversation and then your girlfriend

talks to you while you're playing computer games and you're like would you shut the fuck up please she's trying to get us down to the buzzer the other day like yesterday even uh and i had someone in my sniper sights and uh it was it was just because me uh you know a flatmate who's living

at her boyfriend's she was coming to collect some belongings we put some belongings together we had to get down with our luggage and uh like hand the luggage to them at social distancing and uh wave at some like one of our best friends we haven't seen for fucking weeks and uh like i had to be there for it i couldn't just she couldn't just guard down and get guys on the computer i had someone in me sniper sights and she's gone are you gonna come down with the luggage i'm like this you can't be happening this can't physically can't be happening right now I'm scanning the

fucking terrain as someone runs and we snipe our sights and you're like answer the door like fuck off but I'm the bad guy it's a real anti-social game

like it's hard it's hard to play when there's just two of you in a hoose but at night it's the best oh she's brought us a drink what a lovely girl.

Oh, did your bitch just bring you a bitch? My bitch just brought me one. I don't think Carla has such words as bitch, like, but... Oh, I do. Like, it's what I like to do. Thanks, baby. My relationship with Carla is I am very, very horrible to her on the outside of the relationship.

She's gone now. She's a real bitch. You said that, though's a real bitch. You said that though. You said bitch. I said bitch. That would be a good TikTok. Right, that's, I mean, we're getting close

to 45 minutes and we said this was going to be a shorter one. Easter special, it's a little bit shorter. Which isn't the fact that Matt we've both been day drinking and I'll be honest with you I think

we came out with some solid content in that unlike Brian Cullen I think this is a good this is podcast number seven

we've done numerous live streams I'm fucking dying to see what Cullen does when it drops it's going to be

fire he's been working on something big I think I say we can if we keep these ones to 45 minutes they'll be more

fucking genuine and that way we won't have to come up with games to fill up the time yes and also did we finish the point we have been doing

a couple of challenges across when we've been drunk and it's been it's been really fun I've enjoyed being a part of this down the corner

this is a game that I think here's the think here's a right here's a thing next week let's or sorry for

Thursday's one let's bring back Muggle Corner because it's been literally months before we've done

it so I would say there's different waves of Mugglery that happen and now it's very

specific so I say for Thursday's one two things you and me come up with two Muggle Corners

each and let's let's have people tweet you with suggestions and so if you and me

come in fact if you and me come home with one suggestion each and then everyone else

sends us in Muggle Corner suggestions we can debate them yes tweet us suggestions

to at Kai Humphries on Twitter and we can debate them. Yes, tweet your suggestions to at Kai Humphries on Twitter. You can tweet them to me, but Marlena will see them and she'll not relay them back to me. Yeah, you're not really active on it, are you? No, I'm not. I'm not.

I don't have Twitter or Facebook on my phone anymore. Sometimes the negative feedback hurts you sometimes. I know, which is why I'm so glad Natalie hasn't told me what she thinks about my book the silence though oh man it is

deafening like at one point I wondered if she needed me to translate it into Aramaic but I think she just hates it speaking of which can I publish the book about you? 100% Right, cool, because I've done it, I'll call it Inside Daniel Sloss, it's about your

asshole. Oh wow, you're going to have a lot of gay people reading the first chapter Yep They're going to be bitterly disappointed Much like me Yeah, so I'll release the book at some point this week Look out for it, I'll put it on Kindle

And that was a case study that you did on me On our tour in 2013 I wrote a parody To a journal where I pretended to be a scientist Undercover doing a study A behavioural study On you Masquerading as a stand-up comedian

My I mean as the person on you masquerading as a stand-up comedian. Aye. It's very... I mean, as the person who's the victim of all of the jokes in it, it is very, very, very funny. Aye, I looked back over it because I wrote it when I was like, what, 27 or 28 or something?

Nah, 30. 29. Fucking ass. It was six years ago. I'm 36. It was quick maths. Oh, right. That wasn't

that wasn't that difficult man I am not I'm not having a breakdown in the in the in the isolation

but I am getting complacent today while on the phone to you before this I poured me Natalie and you a drink

because I had you on the phone I poured three fucking drinks because I was on the phone erm so I so I am fucking drinks because I was on the phone so I so I'm getting complacent I was 30 I wrote it

and I look back now and gone ah he was a funny fuck I want to like as if it was a different person that wrote it ah he was a good

it's funny I wonder how he lost it she sat over there. He'll go. Okay. Your dad tuts whenever he sees a woman with hair shorter than shoulder length hair.

And let me tell you, terrible bedside manner as an oncologist. Oh, here she is again. Your dad's a mumble rapper. I listen to his stuff on SoundCloud. Oh, yeah? Well, your dad is Lord.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe it. What was that? That was part of the puzzle. I had that one written down. I thought you were riffing that week. No, the puzzle I had that one written down I thought you were riffing that week no no I had that one written down

that's excellent your dad put your mum under citizens arrest for going out for a second run of the day second run of the day rightfully so well done Martin Sloss lock her up Jesus Thankfully so. Well done, Martin Sloss. Lock her up.

Jesus. Your dad is offering sign language courses, but in emojis. He thinks he's found a hole in the market. Allow me to clarify this. Your dad wants to translate texts into sign language using emojis for the deaf. That's a start-up? No. That's a good start-up. It's written down already.

Why would it need to be translated into emojis? If they can read the words. And I've yelled this at him and none of it's going through like father like son how does he do the aubergine emoji I don't want to know I'm not going to picture it

and I've got a foundation let me clarify this once again your dad is offering a service let's say you and I have a friend her name is Beth and she's deaf. You text Beth. Is that what you went for? What?

Hang on, hang on, hang on. You chose Beth as your deaf friend. Aye. Deaf Beth. Deaf Beth. All right, keep going. Aye. Right?

So the service your father is offering is you want to text death beth right uh-huh and you've got a number so you text her your dad is saying that what he'll do is you text him what you want to send to death beth he'll find he'll work out what it is in sign language find the closest sign language symbols in you know the, the hands, how he does the peace sign, all those things. Oh, the hand emojis. Aye. He literally translates your written text into the hand emojis for sign language. To make them more difficult to decipher.

Yeah, that was the whole joke, yeah. I don't think he likes Beth. I mean, who does? And we can say whatever we like about her. Right, okay. Your dad is the bloke people throw pennies at outside the nightclub in Dundee. Oh, sad memories.

For some reason, and I can't explain why and your dad can but he won't but his breath smells like my last fart his armpit farts are an 8D because his tits are double D's hey yeah that's what he was

20 years ago your dad put a whole packet of humbububba in his mouth and when he blew a bubble he floated off of a fife and I haven't seen him since well he's doing fine alright cool your dad gets home, takes his

shoes off and stuffs the laces into the wall sockets and says that he's charging them for his Zumba class tomorrow. Your dad is a Filipino ladyboy with a sugar daddy called Nigel, but you call him sugar granddad. I reckon that was a decent podcast. I'm looking forward to all the TikToks

we get off it here we are other other podcasts have Patreons they've got fucking GoFundMes anything

share subscribe leave reviews none of that just can't send us a shit TikTok of you doing we've never asked you

to subscribe or share. No, we did at the start, and then we realised we didn't want other followers. I sometimes just assume people subscribe when I'm posted out there, Garnt. I've given you the link, but the people that listen subscribe already. We're not harvesting for new listeners.

We've got it regular now, so we probably could get some kind of sponsorship, but you know what? Me undies. Me undies me undies me undies no more sweaty but but as a tiktok

right see you later mate right bye bye