Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 8. Muggins with a Sore Paw

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

Muggins is cranky because of an IT error and forgetting to defrost pastry, it's concluded that by being made to experience his full range of emotions from the stimulus of day to day life in isolation he is slowly becoming Cream. With a slow news week the get back to whining about Game of Thrones. Oh Nostalgia!

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

And we're recording. I am Daniel Sloss. And I am Kai Huff. I'm a celebrity, man of wonder and comedy. That's enough about you. No, I've got my CV to go off here. All right, Helen. Love maker, cheesecake maker

not at the same time not anymore talk more about the cheesecakes I make cheesecake no you don't I absolutely do make cheesecake I'm calling you a bluff here how dare you

I've made cheesecake that's been some times where I've seen you where you look like someone that makes cheesecake not in the time that I've known you have you pulled that out your repertoire cullen makes a cheesecake as well i bet that catches you by surprise too uh cullen's always full of lies oh well mind you maybe he just eats my cheesecake and then regurgitates it and passes it off as his own do you think so just spews it all right because i do come downstairs every morning and it's just,

he looks normal except for just in his neck. You can just see like the perfect outline of a cheesecake slice. I'm like that. Have you not given Colm a sock yet?

No. No, no. I was just confused there. I was like, why don't we put a snake in a sock? And I was like, oh, I see. Don't be the host. No, no. I was confused about there I was like why on earth would you put a snake in a sock and I was like oh Dobby I see

Dobby the house nah nah I was confused about what branch of insult we were going off of Big Monster Zink contaminate him put him in

one of them tubes and explode him is that your next now that you've watched all the Marvel movies in order is that your next thing

is to watch all the Pixar movies in order yeah we've been watching them. We watched Inside Out. Did you cry? And we watched Wall-E. Nah, I didn't because I'm not a child.

Oh. I saw whatever I watched Inside Out. But I watched Endgame on a comedown. Aye. And there was moments where I felt like if I spoke, I would cry. How were you on a comedown in your own house? It wasn't a drug comedown.

It was just a gin comedown. Oh, you mean a hangover? Ah, you can't. No, I'm sorry. You can't just change the words of things. You used to make yourself sound fucking cooler. But now you and me and Ali, we're on a fucking comedown. Oh, my God, Kyle's a legend in the isolation.

He's still getting pills. He's got some empty name. I smoke weed. Oh, me and my wife would do much gin on a Tuesday. I had a little spliff. With no tobacco. Oh, yeah, we spliffed. Fucking amateur. but I was just

I think because I watched it with you at the cinema but I hadn't really invested myself in the full journey

of everybody and I didn't even know who some of the characters were like Bucky and Falcon and that

I'd seen them as bit parts and now that I've seen everyone's full narrative and everyone had that little bit of closure

I was just like say goodbye take the last day of school imagine that over 10 years like them building up that story and I that's big

that's why I do think it was good I like I think it was the the Marvel really really did what everyone

wishes Game of Thrones had done it ended properly it ended it ended bigger than ever hey Marvel really, really did what everyone wishes Game of Thrones had done. Ended properly. Ended bigger than ever. Hey, I've not wasted any of your years. Here you go. A good ending. They didn't pit her out.

Everything got covered. It got done. It's there. You can stay on the journey if you want to. We know there's going to be more. Here's your option there. But here's a nice tie-off point. Should you never want to we know there's going to be more here's your option there but here's a nice tie-off point

should you never want to consume anything again this is a nice little final chapter for you all and it's going to keep

going but it's weird now it was phase four I didn't notice this the first time I watched it as well

but on the credits on Endgame it does all the regular credits and then it signs people off so it does obviously the regular credits and then it signs people off

so it does obviously Captain America and Tony Stark it puts with a signature and Natasha Black Widow but also people that you didn't know were signing off in there as well like the Hulk and what do you call

the fucking Clint Hawkeye so there was people that you didn't know if the narrative was over, but they were put in with the signature as well as the credit. And I'm like, oh, I think so. That's what I read into it.

The common denominator seemed to be that that was their last appearance in the Avengers. That makes sense, because in Game of Thrones, at the end of the credits, it was just all of the actors were eating giant piles of shit, but while on bigger giant piles of money you know what's weird? what?

I think I would enjoy watching Game of Thrones again but I would just know that the last two episodes were coming my opinion now with Game of Thrones is like you know how the internet is filled with bullies and scum and like we've got this cancel culture

but on the other side of things you've got this hate mob that just on the slightest think going around sending death threats to celebrities for no fucking reason. You know that really really aggressive side of the internet? I don't think they are going hard enough on George R.R. Martin. I think there is no reason to threaten anyone online without the threat of death or anything and then George R.R. Martin has had 8 years off and just not only not done his

one fucking job but actively written and done other things instead of the thing he's meant to be doing and normally you can't rush art if you're the artist it's your fucking thing it's your decision you create what you want

to create and it's not up to your fans to decide I'm not even that big a fan of George RR Martin I'm like I'm not saying do it but I'm just saying

every death threat that you get is 100% deserved and I have no sympathy for you alright worst practical joke ever I just do it

get everybody invested in something then go and psych not finishing it I know I can't but it's

worse it's right in other fucking it would be like moving around oh yeah

that's really loud on the recording by the way that's why I moved what George R. Martin's doing

is essentially like right when the Harry Potter books were coming out, right, if just after the Half-Blood Prince, the sixth Harry Potter book, J.K. Rowling took 13 years off, right, but by the way, to allow them to fully make the Harry Potter series and then also write a bunch of Harry Potter books about Draco Malfoy's daughter and fucking Dumbledore's great aunt.

A.K.A. the Hedge Knight. Aye. Like, fuck the Hedge Knight. Like, if anyone bought and read the Hedge Knight, fuck off for encouraging them. Like, that should have flopped like nothing else. We're like, right, all right, we'll buy it, we'll read it when you're done. Man, the amount of times he's got his head on my face and yelling at me,. We're like, right, all right, we'll buy it, we'll read it when you're done.

But the amount of times he's got to say, oh, my fans keep yelling at me, and I'm like, man, no sympathy. What are you talking about? Do your one and only fucking job. We've invested a lot of hours in it. And it's not just if, like, not just if the Harry Potter books,

what J.K. Rowling was stalling the books to write spin-off books, but just feeding the half-arsed remainder of the story to somebody that didn't know what they were doing to finish it. Yeah, if she just fucking crashed in and they were like, what do we do at the end? And she's like, oh, then Harry kills Voldemort.

And they're like, how? And she's like, I don't know. In a way, you do it. I don't give a shit but I still think one of the best episodes was in season 8 the big battle

of the well the battle of ice and fire the one between the White Walkers I think that was still one of the best I think

I mean it's just it's it's one of those things where I don't know I've got sympathy for some of the people

like David Benioff and Weiss got like a lot like the two directors of it got like a really really fucking hard time and then you're like I feel really bad for you that's your art you put your heart and soul into it to create something and then have people

fucking hate it must be awful and then you read all the interviews they did and they were like yeah, we have no idea what we're doing. We're like, oh, well then fuck it then. Speaking of books that have been promised and not finished, I went to publish your book today

and I had to close it. I'm not going to clarify your book about me. Yeah, my book about you. I'm not your publisher. It's not my book to clarify your book about me. Yeah, you're my book about you. I'm not your publisher. I'll do you no fire. Fuck, I checked you in for flights and that. I'm not going to publish your book.

No, my book about you, the tour journal. So I had to download this, like, Kindle editor thing to upload it. And I wasn't able to find the file. And I was like, oh, I haven't saved the file. So I've copied it from the original PDF it was on, I wrote an epilogue sent it to you, proofread it and then I made a bunch of

grammar and spelling corrections that Natalie had found, she went through it with a fine tooth comb and done that and I edited it all down because when you copy and paste it from a PDF the formatting is all over the place So what you're saying is Natalie's had the time to read through a book, is that what you're saying is Natalie's had the time to read through a book, is what you're saying? Ah, yep.

Aye, spell check. Yes, sir. She's had enough time to go through it with a fine tooth comb. Yeah. All right, well, just interesting that way. Yep. And, yeah, she's got loads of time, actually. Well, it sounds like it, yeah.

I mean, she's watched all of the Marvel movies. She watched True Detective Season two in one day. Pooh, read my book. And then, so I was like, right, I couldn't find the file. And I realized, oh, I haven't saved it. Since I've put it into this document, I haven't saved it. So I closed it. And I saved it as Inside Daniel Sloss.

Because it's about your bum. And then I still couldn't find it on the Kindle edition. I was like, eh, I've just saved it. So I went back into fucking Word. I closed what was a different file that I thought was the same file. And it was a little bit of writing that I'd done about Pee Doe Terry.

It was a paragraph. A literal paragraph of writing that I'd done for a new materiale Terry. It was a paragraph, a literal paragraph of writing that I'd done for a new material. Closed that, saved it as Inside Daniel Sloss. It was like, this has already been saved. There's already something saved. Do you want to replace it? And I was like, yes. And then I replaced the entire file

with one paragraph about Pee Doe Terry. And you can laugh. What are you laughing for? What? about Peter Terry, right? And you can... You can... What are you laughing for? And you can go into the file and look at other versions of that file that have pre-been saved.

Now, every other version was just a different rewrite or version of before, like, a joke about Peter Terry. So where it was supposed to be a book was in fact a joke about Peter O'Terry. So where it was supposed to be a book was in fact a joke about Peter O'Terry. So I may publish that on a Kindle. Just one paragraph.

Just no author to turn the page. Just a bit of the author section at the end. And it's not even fully formed. Have you lost the book? No, but what I have got is the PDF version that I sent you to say, all right, if I publish this before I fully edit it. All right.

And I have to copy that again. And I copied it over, and the fucking formatting is all over the place. I have to go through every sentence and line them up and every paragraph and line them up. It just... Oh, they're still there. It just spaffs it. I don't go through every sentence and line them up and every paragraph and line them up. It just... It just spats it. I don't know why, but even though I changed that from the document

originally, it's changed back as if it's just chewed up the words and spat them out. So I'm just left with this fucking scatter of words that I've got to turn into a book. None of Natalie's grammar and spelling corrections are done and there was a couple of words that I've got to turn into a book and none of Natalie's grammar and spelling corrections are done and there was a couple of

bits that were a little bit contradictory that I changed around like if the full edit was done and now I'm back to fucking first draft again basically. I'm sorry I'm just keeping it every time with your accent the way you say grammar grammar is the exact same as like

a southern american says grandma oh really just every single thing it's like you know that thing but if you say space ghetto in a scottish accent i was talking about that yesterday the day before if you say space ghetto in a scottish accent it sounds like a spice girl an american saying spice girls but this is the difference right if an american was saying to me... Oh, no, it's not. An American accent saying Space Ghetto sounds like a Scottish person saying Spice Girl. Yeah. Aye.

Space Ghetto. Space Ghetto. Aye. Spice Girl. Space Ghetto. I mean, I can't... Space Ghetto. So, if you said to an American, right,

if an American said to me, spelling, punctuation, and grandma, even if they said spelling, punctuation, and grandmother, in that context, I'd know they meant grandma. Right? But if you say spelling, punctuation, grandma to a Southern American, they'd go, what? Grandma? Did he mean grandma? And you're like no clearly there was an accent variation

on a word that is similar that you can work out for yourself but nah Americans don't meet you halfway with that accent thing

I mean obviously look I love America you know always have but I'm not I don't know about you but I'm not getting

insentious with everything that's going on with their country when I'm just like lads I'm losing sympathy to the stage just with everything that's going on with their country where I'm just like, lads, I'm losing sympathy for you now. Like,

just fucking get it together at this point. Like, anyone like... Tiger King didn't help. Tiger King didn't help. And then also, like,

the fact that Trump is still going to win. If Trump wins the next election, I'm like, that's it. Americans don't get to be sensitive

about anything ever again. It's like, you's it. Americans don't get to be sensitive about anything ever again. It's like, you are just, you don't get to, because they really don't like getting insulted. I mean, I know the Americans

that listen to this podcast won't give a shit, but I'm obviously talking about the standard fucking American that just can't handle the criticism. Like, if it happens again, you just,

I've got no more sympathy for you. It's madness. I've got a feeling the Americans that listen to this, like, us talking about Americans, like, that will be cathartic rather than insulting. Aye.

Because they're like, yes, you see what we're living amongst. You see it. Aye, but get it sorted. Like, genuinely, like, start a civil war at this point. Like, if... Like, shut point. Because this isn't a problem that gets fixed during the election.

I do think America actually needs a civil war at this point. They're too far apart at both ends. You've got Republicans who hate the fucking Democrats who don't even like Trump, but they'll still vote for Trump because the gap between the Democrats and the Republicans is so big now. Republicans who hate the fucking Democrats who don't even like Trump but they'll still vote for Trump because the gap between the Democrats and the

Republicans is so big now It usually boils down to they think they're going to get their guns taken away Yeah, well they just think the Democrats are going to go fully hard the other way, which to be fair they probably fucking will, so even Republicans, smart Republicans that fucking despise Trump

will still vote for him. So I'm just like, just Civil War it out. Civil War it out with the new guns. That'd be fun. It'd be like, you know when they revamped

COD, like Call of Duty? Yeah. They bring back the old one or like Halo when they revamped those games. It was like better graphics. Just like Civil War 2.

Just revamp the North versus the South. Right. No, no, but like we'll do it differently this time you know I mean it's pretty much it is pretty much those ones

it's going to be real weird because the one thing the Republicans really really coast on a lot of the time is the fact that they claim that they're the ones that released the slaves because Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and then you just point out the fact that most of the South went over to them.

But was that how you would have done whatever helped the Union? Whether it was, I don't know enough to even comment on American politics. Well, here you go. All of my very, very limited knowledge on the American Civil War comes from a very, very good Civil War documentary. It's a 10-part series and it's on Netflix. Oh, I'll watch Netflix. Ooh. Aye. I'll watch that.

That interests me. Aye. Man, it's like one of those proper old... You know those documentaries that you'd watch, like you'd walk in on your dad watching

and you'd be like, oh, fucking being old must be shite. Aye. It's one of those. But we're there now. Aye. We just want to expand

our knowledge. Aye. It's one of those... Remember when I did that with World War I where I just studied World War I just so that I could, like, there's just that just want to expand expand my knowledge i i just it's one of those remember when i did that with world war one where i just studied world war one just so that i could like just there's just that that dark cloud over a bit of knowledge that if the conversation ever goes there i've got nothing all right what was and i'm just like all right i'm just gonna i'm gonna clear the clouds from

that area of my knowledge we'll just have it yeah like trying to have a little rudimentary bit of knowledge in something is always good i'll always like if if i ever have something especially when i'm stoned right if i if i think about something i'm like fuck i don't know what the answer to that question is i've got a little thing in notes uh in my phone for me to then youtube the next day or like the next time uh i'm less high for example yeah always curious and just little things that you just go you know what I've taken that for granted how the fuck are they actually made

right curly fries explain that ah yeah I wouldn't know see how the fuck

do they make curly fries is it from one fucking potato and they cut it in a thing or is it like a mousse you know when you're

doing a ribbon how's that done you know when you get one side of the scissors and you put the ribbon against your thumb like when you're doing a ribbon? How's that done? You know when you get one side of the scissors and you put the ribbon against your thumb, like when you're making a ribbon on a parcel, and you pull the side of the scissors down the side of the ribbon? You do that with a chip. Oh.

Aye. And then it just automatically coils and goes like boing. It doesn't say boing. No, you don't know that. Let's not. This is science. You don't know anything now. You just take notes.

It doesn't say boing. We don't know that. It makes the noise boing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, after the book thing, after fucking it, I thought, right, I'm going to do all my editing within the Kindle app now. Like, I'll just copy it from the PDF into the Kindle app, and I'll edit from there. And I try to do that, but you can't.

You know how I've got a Mac, and I'm starting to hate Macs more and more with every fucking interaction I have with it. They're not great. It's Pages, but I need a.doc. Now, I don't have Microsoft Office on this one. I've got a mule one, which is fucked. So I think I need to buy it again to get it on here.

I don't need Microsoft Office. I don't need it. But to get a.doc file, I need it. So I can't work out how to convert pages into a.doc. So much shit like that, that's just bugging us the day. And I just, you know what?

I constantly feel like I need a cigarette. You know that feeling where you're just like, much shit like that that's just bugging us the day and i just you know what i like i constantly feel like i need a cigarette you know that feeling where you're just like is everything bothering us or do i just need a smoke you know when you're in your first two weeks after not smoking i've just been like that all day since i've done the fuck this file like i went to make a chicken pie earlier and realized i hadn't took the pastry out the freezer oh man while we're talking about old people problems as we're all getting fucking older and just shiter, that's a proper bollock in the world.

When it gets to about two in the afternoon, you go, I've not defrosted any of the meat in the freezer. I'm having a sandwich for dinner now. I've fucked myself.

Well, this is what's happening to me now and I think this is a byproduct of the isolation and I've noticed it in my mum in the past right is she goes through a whole range of emotions based on whatever happens in a day so she still gets all of the like highs and lows we might get on tour from actual actual jeopardy on tour she'll get from living in the house now i've found that i'm starting to get them moments where like like, I'm fucking absolutely frustrated over something

when it's actually trivial as fuck. It's super trivial, but because I've got nothing to compare it to, because my fucking, my life is so fucking basic right now, I'm getting worked up about little things like that and I've just got to check myself. I've just got to go,

all right, Dean. All right, so what you're saying is you finally understand what it's like to be a member of the general public I think so I'm normally

casual as fuck about everything today I've been like stood there literally stood there taking big deep breaths right because I got the chicken

the leeks and the mushroom and that out of the fridge and found a frozen block of pastry and I stood there and doing 10 deep breaths,

put them back in and got some salmon out and just had salmon. But mate, I had to have fucking 10 deep breaths and it probably boils down to me just fucking deleting my book. It's probably that as well.

And the other thing is that.doc file. Think about it, right? Soon as Natalie finishes work, send her the pages. She can open it in Word. Send it back to me as a.doc and I can fucking put it right soon as Natalie finishes work send her the pages she can open it in word send it back to me as a dot doc

and I can fucking put it on off her laptop proper simple and there I am ready to hide my fucking laptop off the balcony

I think maybe you're just becoming I don't think you're becoming a member of the general I think you're slowly becoming me

I don't even like it just while I becoming me. I don't even like it. Just while I diagnose to see how far into becoming me you've become, off the top of your head if you could kill five people, could you name them? Could I name the five people I would kill?

Let's say you rub a lamp, you've gone and turned the lamp off and you've rubbed it just in a special way. Genie pops out. He's like, fucking buddy, this was meant to be out. I'm going to do it quickly. You've got one minute, right? You can kill five people. You've got one minute. Go.

Wait. Joe Exotic, Carol Baskin, Jeff Lowe, that's our out of three. Rory Lowe. Carabaskin, Jeff Law, Dabba Rowdy 3, Rory Law. Just panic buy the next two with mergers of the other people's names. Aye. Sorry, guys.

You did nothing to hurt me, but your name sounded kind of like a word association game. I used your suspects' murder, Jay. I just looked around. No, I'm not ready to kill anybody just yet. But I'm ready to break stuff. We've not... I'm not losing my mind too much here.

The only thing I'm not losing my mind too much here the only thing I'm struggling with is just how fucking I'm slowly coming to terms with how fucking lazy I am as a human being of just going man if I had all of the time in the world

I wouldn't do anything with it I definitely need to die right i like life i think it's brilliant i'm a big fan of his experiences but i could not live forever because i'd be boring me fucking scott of the things i want to do and i've done most of them there's no boredom here for me but i've got no ambition zero ambition i don't want to achieve anything right i just like it doesn't even come with guilt when i put spend seven hours on the computer i'll finish seven hours on the playstation again that was class that right like i don't go

oh i've got nothing done like sometimes i'm like oh i've got to get this thing done but i'd rather be doing it sat on the computer that's when I start feeling shitty I find myself getting fucking not wound up about things but just going oh fuck there's an obligation

there for example I've got therapy once a fucking week which I go to and it's great and I'm still going to keep doing it

but just it'll be Monday and I'll have therapy at 5.30 on a Thursday but because it's the only thing in my schedule I'm being like it's weighing over my mind

I've got that on Thursday I've got to do therapy to get over it. Meanwhile there are other people losing their actual fucking minds during this. Like Natalie is fucking in there at the minute I'm having this fucking hissy fit that I've have to re-edit a document let's just get it clear i didn't lose the words the words

still exist they're there right that would have been stressful i lost the edit right i've got to sort that out natalie's busy trying to work out like something to do with people have been over paying their pensions and they've got like to sort out the pension contributions across four continents. The company across four continents while furloughing people and keeping this company. She's dealing with that and I'm just like, oh, I've got to put that into a paragraph again.

Hi. You are becoming me. I do think maybe that's some of what it comes from there's a real guilt to this now because other people are struggling not necessarily just struggling

but you know, Carla's fucking working every day and I've got this guilt should I be doing more than absolutely fucking nothing I've been walking around with a wet floor cone just looking busy. Clipboard. I tell you, yesterday, this annoyed us as well. That company that

asked us to do them clean jokes for their show, I stood with a clear wall like they wanted with this film editing software that they wanted us to do it on so it would be the same frame rate and uh i recorded my four jokes that they wanted that they accepted and then um that's just to re-record them because i said i looked nervous in them you looked nervous and i watched them back and i was like i don't remember being nervous

right i wasn't nervous about that i'm not there with my knees looking at me like, oh, this is my big break. And I looked back, and I was like, oh, no, that's not nerves. That's just massively uncomfortable. That's because I'm so uncomfortable. You want to see as natural? Fucking tune in to me knitting,

listen to me podcast, watch me stand up, you'll see as natural. You want to see as uncomfortable? Make us dead eye into the camera and tell jokes that you sanitize down to the point they're not even funny anymore and and and deliver them to no audience it's like it's like going hey i want to hire usain bolt to do this run for something but you've got to wear your jeans and your dress shoes and you can't cross your right foot over your left foot so you've got to run with your left foot forward all the time in little mini steps.

And then video I'm running. And then, Gann, you look a bit nervous when you're running. You're saying, no, I'm not nervous. I'm just absolutely in combat with your fucking parameters. You're absolutely wasting this resource. So when is it streaming? I think it might have already went on last night. I recorded it again.

I look just as uncomfortable the second time. Oh, shit, back on. Wait, I'm always going to look uncomfortable. I do. Yeah, because you've said, walk on, walk onto the camera, deliver the joke, and then pause for laughter. That isn't there. Then deliver the next one.

Pause for laughter. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. And I'm there again. My hands are just going, what do we do? Jesus fucking Christ and I'm there again my hands my hands are just going what do we do in my facial expression scan what the fuck am I doing

do you know what you should do you should have you should have put sock on each hand put googly eyes on them and then put them out in front of you and have them

be audience members aye you know what? That would have been funny. I might, because the laughter lounge I've asked us today, they're a very similar thing.

They've asked us if I'd do a three-minute clip, like what The Stand are doing, and I love the laughter lounge. I'd love to give them a clip. What I would say, definitely, what you do is

you put the sock puppets on your hands, right, and you make them laugh at all the jokes that you say, and then, if the gig goes well, which it will, because you're in control of the audience, right, then get one of them to suck you off and just have a wank, clean up straight away.

Sock's already on your hand. Sorted. All right. Fish by fish. Well, that'll be three and a half minutes, I think. Five seconds to swing yourself, I say. Yeah, so I don't know whether to just break the fourth wall and go I used to tell jokes this is what I used to say when I was on stage and like set it up with like oh I used to say that then and then people would laugh then and then when they laughed I would write off that laughter and I'd say this

and I might just tell the story of me telling the joke rather than actually just telling the joke and fucking stood there with a big shit- shit eating grin on my face like I'm waiting for laughter. As much as I do I really respect anyone who's trying to or at least I understand why people are trying to keep busy during this time especially if they're trying to keep the fucking business afloat

but a lot of the time I'm like can we just admit that as entertainers we're not crucial workers? We don't have to. We're an extra. We're a bonus thing when people have time off and money. We're who they come to.

They don't need us just now. Can we stop? We're a bolt on. We're literally a bolt on. We're a bolt on, right, and the belt's tight this fucking month. So just, can we stop, lads? on, literally a bolt on and the belt's tight this fucking month so just stop lads

I just got out of play a playstation you do whatever fucking makes you happy but can other places we need to keep producing content I assure you we don't the world has put a pin in us and they've just gone

not now. Just graciously bow outwards. I cannot be chewed with that. And every time I get asked to date, whether I'd be the BBC there or the Left at Lounge now, I want to provide these things. I really do, but I feel deeply uncomfortable. This isn't what I do. These podcasts, I feel deeply uncomfortable this isn't what I do nah

these podcasts I feel so fucking authentic the knitting I feel so authentic I'm just chatting to people it's like I'm opening a window on my social life is what I'm doing and I'm like look this is me socialising hope you enjoy it I hope you feel like you're socialising

too if you're on your own even though it's like it's one dimensional and you can socialising too if you're on your own. Even though it's one dimensional and you can't talk back unless you tag into one of the videos. I hope it's entertaining for you in that respect. When I'm forcing myself on people with recorded content like that.

It's just a bit. And I think we've spoke about it already. We're repeating old ground but it's just a bit and I think we've spoke about it already we're repeating old ground but it's still very much the same to me well the reason we're repeating old ground is because nothing is happening there's lots happening there's actually loads happening we're just not allowed to witness it

or participate me and Piggy were talking at the end of well talking about the end of well talking about the end of all this whenever the fuck it is

what it comes in like what are you looking forward to go back to we're doing what am I looking forward to going back

to right I'm looking forward to watching the match in the pub alright having a pint and watching the match but then again how Aye. Having a pint and watching the match. But then again, how far away do you think that is?

Because I think we'll be able to eat in restaurants before we're able to hang out at the pub again. I reckon there's much difference between those two. It's going to be so incremental as well. It's not like all of a sudden we'll be able to go to a rave and all hug. You know what I mean? Not that well, hugging at raves, but there will be this thing where you want to just

fucking just wrap your arms around each other and jump around. You want that last day. Yes, you want it to be a last day, but there's going to be such a soft launch on socialising. There's going to be multiple soft launches. There's going to be like, restaurants are open, but the tables have got to be spaced this far apart, and the gyms are open, but they's going to be multiple soft launches. There's going to be like restaurants are open but the tables

have got to be spaced this far apart and the gyms are open but they've got to be cleaned at 15 minute intervals. It's going to go like the way the lockdown closed down gradually so you couldn't have one last blowout. It's going to reopen gradually like that. Travelling has got to be

last. I think there's talk about there's got to be some, like, corona passport or something, where, like, you have to have a passport saying that you've had it and you're immune, or, like, if you've had... If they make a vaccine and you've been vaccinated, you've got a passport,

like, you're going to have to get passported back into the world. Fucking hell. I think it's going to be a long time mate aye and erm I have I'll tell you about this as well

last night I was playing Call of Duty I found the only time I can play Call of Duty properly right is when Natalie's in bed because

when she's working even if she's not on a conference call it's not fair to be shouting on like that in the same room because you have to shout on so I've been not on a conference call, it's not fair to be shouting on like that in the same room. Right. Because you have to shout on.

So I've been playing it without comms and it's shite, right? So I play it shouting on around about midnight every night for a couple hours until two in the morning. And last night I was so loud that Natalie just come through,

not in a bad mood, right? Just come through and shut the living room door. Now, even in Maine, the living room door is wedged shut because behind it against the wall is the clothes horse, two clothes horses, an ironed board

and two foldy-up chairs are wedged behind that door. And she slammed it shut and not only did all of them things fall, but I had my pull-up bar railing on as well. So that comes like pinging off as well so all at once in the space of three seconds iron board two clotheslosses two chairs and a pull-up bar just hit the deck and i fucking shat myself it was it was like she went ah you think

that's noise you reckon that's noise do you you fucking haven't got a clue son this is noise and I just went to bed I just went to bed proper howling I put her down

for breakfast this morning because it looked like she was in a proper raj she was totally faint

just started smashing windows in that fucking cunt you know I've been properly enjoying that game I know you haven't been on there much until you get your wifi sorted we're hopefully getting new internet in two weeks

and allow me to just take this moment to say on the podcast absolutely fuck the fucking fuck out of talk talk i just like it's a talk talk i think oh my god like look look i'm not gonna be unreasonable here and be like uh not not understand the fact that all the internet's gonna be slow at the moment everyone's in their fucking house like the bandwidth it's just gonna be fucking tight for everyone you've been to my house and time of let you my internet has always been chained in this place and it's always been specifically fucking through talk to their inability to do anything like I want to ask them

James I as I if you have any plans like upgrade the internet in my area and they were like nope it's like like even as your company gets bigger and expands they're like no there's no money in it So why would we It's what they said on the phone So what companies do your neighbours have the same trouble I spoke to your neighbours How dare you do I speak to my neighbours How fucking dare you

In what Why what do they have that I need Maybe internet You can find out what internet providers have. Maybe take some cheesecake over. No, I haven't asked them. Well, no, I can't go over.

I could shout over, I guess. Like, I'm going, because of the fucking area I live in, going from Tok Tok to Vodafone, that's not, I mean, it's an upgrade, but it's not a straight-up upgrade. It's like a lateral upgrade.

Everything you hate Australia for has happened in your house. The fucking... That third-world Wi-Fi that you slagged the waffle for for three months. I know, but at least mine is because I live in a... You could have brought the weather home.

Aye, but... And burned Scotland to the ground I like the fact that when I like the fact that I can order booze in this country and not be treated

like an absolute fucking animal I'll take that as a trade off aye I like the fact that wait a minute order

you can order you can drink you can get booze from a shop after 10 oh yeah you can go out to a bottle shop

in Australia at 1 in the morning aye but I'd rather not be spoken down to by a bar staff for having for requesting a shot

at 11pm on a Saturday like you expect security guards to act like failed policemen you don't expect it

from your bar staff aye there's people I expect to be cunts and it shouldn't be people who normally work for tips. So, your

Wi-Fi has been fucking pretty basic, but when you finally get on call of duty, we've found the best way to date is if somebody takes charge on a mission, and whether you rotate that or whether someone's just decent at it, but moving as a unit, picking specifically where you're going to go as a team and where you're going to go next and where you're going to loot

and lead a team through because you find all the other squads, they drop and then scatter to go and collect their guns. So if you move along as a four, no one's going to get you, and if they get you down, you pick each other back up, if you've only got your pistols you've got four pistols aimed on them and it's fucking brilliant, you just mop the place up Oh well I'll need to get on in two fucking weeks time

when Vodafone, a company not famous for its internet, but famous for its I might as well have gone to fucking Asda for their internet that's I know there's a thing with Vodafone, right? Because the guy on the phone was fucking lovely. He was dead honest about it.

He's like, mate, you're not in a good area for it. We guarantee this. But in all honesty, you're going to get this. It's still going to be more than the other one. But I'm going to tell you right off the bat, you're not getting these speeds until we do this and this and this. Very honest. And I'm like like immediately already bare.

Even though Vodafone's a telecommunications company, you saying that you're getting them for your Wi-Fi still resonates the same as if you went, I'm getting my Wi-Fi through Beechams. iCleanX are going to do me do me. They've diversified their portfolio.

They're like finding out that heads and shoulders have a car you're like they're just like okay I mean I'll give it a go

like maybe there's a bunch of car enthusiasts there but are they are they Duracell gloves

oh fucking hell Crocs have come out with suits this will be interesting Robust quotes on it no no no but it's still the designers of

Croc like it's still it's the same family you don't trust it anyway alright well that's I'm going to brush my teeth to the black and deck right shall we move

we're keeping these at 45 yeah can I can I complain about our listeners always please finally finally apart from apart from hypotheticals it's my favourite section of the show.

They're not as hardcore as I thought they were. I really thought that they backed away and got involved and we're all operating as a big community. I thought we were a community. But I haven't had a single TikTok with

my intro. Well, hey, now, you know know me I'm never ever ever one to stick up for any of my fans under any circumstance whatsoever do you think it's just that way is this actually showing what age that none of what audience are young enough for TikTok aye I think that's exactly it

I don't think it's the fact and again I hate to stand up for these cunts but I do think the fact you asked a bunch of people very much like us to download an app that they do not give a fucking shit about and do something they don't care about. I actually... This might be the most I've ever respected our listeners,

the fact that none of them do it. I'm going to retract the complaint, but I would like somebody to do it. I still want to see what's Nicky Gibson's excuse aye and aye what's she doing Nicky

sort the TikTok out man aye aye and right we only got sent one muggle as well

but we'll bring that oh no no no let's go for the muggle somebody sent someone in let's do that one someone sent a muggle and it was Lauren said, hold on,

I've just fucking lost it. She said, neighbours who engage in parking wars who get passive aggressive over where they park their car and that. Oh. I guess like that's it. Like if someone parks in your drive,

you've got every right to fucking smear a shite aloe on a windscreen. But like if you haven't got a designated part of the street and you just like assume by parking there all the time it's yours and then you turn up and one of your neighbour's friends is parked there do you put a little

note? Oh god yes okay I'm with you now. Because I would park three streets away before I fucking got arsy about where someone was parking unless they were on me property unless they were on me property. Unless they were on me property and that's where I park, and I'm like, yeah, I can't

put my car on me property. See, even if, like, where me mum and dad used to live, right, on the street in front of them where me dad parks, right, if one of the neighbours had a friend around and parked their car there, would I be that bothered about that? I would have just parked somewhere else on the street. I guarantee, I'm on this, I agree that bothered about that I would have just parked somewhere else on the street I guarantee

I'm on this I agree that it's in Muggle Corner but I guarantee I'd be in that fucking thing I get really would you

man I get pissy about parking in general anywhere like for me if a car park is fucking empty and you fail to get your car

even if there's no one in that car park if you don't get it inside the box I'll fucking leave a note on your car just fucking try no you won't maybe it inside the box, I'll fucking leave a note in your car. Just fucking try. No, you won't.

Oh, maybe not. Maybe not a note. But no, man, I would know. Like, if it's a busy car park and you don't keep your thing on the fucking lines, oh, man, I will do things to your car then. Ah, no, no. Someone put a knife in my tyres one time

because I kept parking I just kept parking in the space nearest the house because it was never used like it was never ever used

it was nearest the flat so if I ever just ditched my car there I'd put it in and I come one time and it had clearly been knifed

like my tyres had been put holes in them so even though he wasn't using his parking space the fact that I occasionally used it

bothered him to the point that he damaged me car and it did have to be fair it was his it had his number on it

and it wasn't my number my number was just a couple back and it was left unavailable when I was using his or his

but for me if I had that one nearest the house I think I would have just parked anywhere else but that one. I don't think I would give a fuck it's a car park.

I see. There was one time at the old fucking house, somebody came back from the gym and somebody had basically parked their car in... Devon Blocker Drive. ...the driveway. Devon Blocker Drive. Devon Blocker Drive.

Man, I was fucking sitting there in the middle and I stood there for like two minutes and I Blocker Drive man I was I was fucking sitting there in the middle and I stood there for like two minutes and I was just like being like I'm gonna fucking like I don't need my car

just now and they're fucking lucky for that but this is unforgivable fucking shit so like talked myself out

of just immediately I was angry I hate working out I've just put a brick through the fucking window I'll do that

and I'll get caught I can't do that, I'm going to go in and write a fucking, really horrible, and I'm slowly calming, calming, calming, calming down a little bit,

I'm definitely going to leave a fucking note, and if it happens again, like, I'm going to be full blown white boy, and be like, I'm going to, I'll phone the police, go in,

it was Ali's dad, he was visiting. You were ready for war, and then when you, when it was diffused like that, visiting you were ready for war oh man and then when it was diffused like that you still had all this anger and nowhere to put it man

honestly I walked in there I put blue face paint on I was ready for actual bloodshed and then I walked in and the first thing

he said was oh sorry I parked in front of the driveway Ali said it'd be fine because the car's in the driveway I can move it if you need to and I'm like in front of the driveway Ali said it'd be fine because the car's in the driveway and I can move it if you need to

and I'm like fucking all of the confrontation that I'd mentally prepared for is gone but you know just I'm still

seething I remember when I was you were going to be I'm just choking yourself no no not my wank

just stopping someone else. Me auntie Linda told us a story a while back about in a multi-storey car park, two cars coming at the same space. This woman indicating in, and this fucking bloke just like quickly took it before she did.

Got out of the car with a big smug grin on his face as he looked like this guy in my car's better than yours. As if that was his excuse for taking it. I've got a better car or something like that. She just drove into his car and went, aye, but I've got more money. Great.

Absolute belt. I'm all about that. I'm absolutely all fucking about that. The car you had at the time as well if somebody parked on your drive I didn't doubt that

you would have just used your car to push their car out because you didn't care that much if it was like dented or scratched or anything

for me I'm going to agree that it's in Muggle Corner because of like especially if it's unmarked like if it's just out front of your house and somebody parks there, you get pissy about that.

I do think you're a muggle for it. I am a muggle for it. I'd get pissy. Like if people park out in front of my gate just now, I'm like, fucking go away. This is my, I own all of it. And I'm acting like I'm above it, right? But I get muggly about the ownership

of an armrest on a flight. I was about to say of an armrest on a flight. I was about to say the armrest of a flight, or even on a fucking empty train, if you sit in a fucking chair that says reserved and I have to ask you to move, I'm fucking, I'm so angry. I'll not do it angrily, but I will, like if I've got a ticket and somebody

sat on the train oh you mean if someone asks you to move and there's plenty of spaces no no no no no like even if it's a fucking empty train

and if it's an empty train right and 31C is reserved for me and you're sat in 31C even though I could sit fucking anywhere else

so could you and my chair has a reserve sign above it you fuck off see I'm more casual with that. So could you and my chair has a reserve sign above it. You fuck off. See, I'm more casual with that. I'll go up and just like conversationally just go and just let you know

that that's the ticket I've got reserved but I'm going to sit over here. If somebody comes for that seat I'm going to need that one and I'll just lay it down and then I'll go and sit down and I'll not even make a conversation. I'm just like

here's a fucking bit of information that you're going to need and then I'll go and sit down. All right. Second somebody comes over and sits in my chair, you better start running. Just put your knuckle dust on it. Just sit looking at them.

Just breathing and polishing your... Just say they'll be like, I fucking hope somebody comes for this seat. The one that bothers me is if I'm in a reserved seat, right, or just any seat at the window, right, and somebody, whether it's reserved or not, sits on the seat next to mine, but there's doubles available, right,

and I'll be looking at them and I'll just be like, looking at all of the fucking empty seating, and you chose that one, even if it's on your ticket you chose to sit on this one like fucking your whole body language is going you're honestly

going to fucking sit in my personal space when you don't have to you're going to put me in your personal space when I'll just fucking come you're claiming to be

bed as well you daft cunt that's how you know that are we do you want a drink do you want a drink do you want a drink of me pop yeah I'm reading

this book lean in lean in keep up do you want us to restart me movie you fucking dickhead I am turning into you

oh yeah you're getting angry here it is getting angry at stuff that fucking hasn't happened for months. I do,

I will put that in my go-to corner and then I'll also stand in the corner myself because I'm... Engaging in parking was. I definitely would. Me and Gareth got excited

because somebody was parking in his, one of his neighbours was parking in his spot where he lives because he's got generally reserved space and somebody and one of his neighbours was parking in his spot where he lives, because he's got generally reserved space, and somebody was parked in his, and we got all excited about the war he was gonna have,

and then Laura just made him write a nice note, and the person never parked there again. And we were like, oh. So I do live for it, I get it, I understand it, and for that, and that alone, I'm in the corner. Aye, there we are nothing to plug no

just my butt just to just to plug your butt go on done aye it's

it's ready and it's raring to go awesome people know they can buy my show but in case you don't know the discount code is COVID19

and you can get all of my solo shows for a tenner from my website, kaihunfries.com. WW. WW. Remember when someone got annoyed that I said that? Oh, yeah, I mean, it is wrong. See, that's something that I found funny the other day.

Someone listened to this podcast on YouTube, right? And we were on about Piggy's identity and protecting our identity. It was before we'd given away our name. And they went, mate, I don't think

you really need to worry about people finding out your facts. There's only like 60 people who watch this and you've only got to put 400 subscribers, right? But it auto-pushed to YouTube so that bloke

thought that we were getting that fucking follower sell our fucking 60 viewers I was like oh no oh no that's so funny go for it That's so funny Right Go for it Your dad refuses to pull the plug on the bath

Because he thinks it just opens up into the kitchen downstairs So after each bath He meticulously empties it with a straw Your dad's teeth chat out when he's hot Your dad puts his sandals on to go jumping in puddles Your dad didn't realise he'd stumbled into a graveyard with his metal detector and now he's in trouble for unthinkable crimes when he was just trying to be a dog

Your dad is convinced that this time the sale of Newcastle United will actually go through I am Oh my god It's the worst David Canham, every week since I've known him, has told me that next week Newcastle's getting

bought by someone It's not going to make a fucking scrap of difference because there's no football on anywhere, it's not going to make a fucking scrap of difference because there's no football on anyway there's probably going to be like a big transfer embargo it's like something's about to happen that has absolutely no effect on my life at all I mean like

just yet but I'm still excited about it even though it's not going to happen anyway your dad uses dandruff your dad uses his own dandruff to talk his balls. Your dad stands outside every night banging pots and pans, cheering and clapping and shouting, God bless the NHS,

and he's still going to vote Tory in the next election. And Boris is brave. Your dad was so persistent when he met your mum that they're now married they've had four kids and your mum's got no idea how it all happened she didn't want any of it

oh okay that's a bit too true that's a bit too close to home take that one back end of that one out if he listens to this he'll have a cry he may as well

may as well just send his name on that one she's going to be like your dad like an abstract person. You weren't meant to read my mum's diary. Your dad ties ropes to his socks and the ropes to his wrists so that there's no chance that they go missing

the next time they're in the wash. Your dad can get both of his feet in his mouth at once and that's how he rolls down hills. Once again, stop reading my mother's diary. Right. Well, let's cheer us up mate thanks for cheering us up I really needed a miss today

just phoning just phoning to check in I'll phone you same time next week alright mate thanks for being a shoulder there buddy I know what he's doing that was really nice aye aye

we should have recorded that it would have made a good podcast alright catch you later see you later bitch bye that would have made a good podcast. Alright, catch you later. That's it, bye bitch. Bye.