Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Quarantine 9. Michael Collins

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Beginning with a routine stop from the fun police, Muggins and Cream conduct their 10th regular podcast of sheer nonversation to lighten the mood of your quarantine, with the return of muggle corner and an insightful, educational look at the moon landings.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

And here we are, recording. Are you sure? It's fucking... Are you recording? I'm on seven seconds, eight seconds, nine seconds. I mean, again... Oh, we're synchronised. I think we are synchronised. I mean, we'll be back in a couple of seconds,

but ultimately, just once again, we continue in the vein of terrible introductions to this show. Well, I used to do nice little songs. I used to do little idioms. Nice little songs. Where I changed the words. I just put, like, I put muggins and cream in, so it kind of scanned along with the song or with the quote.

No, I mean, had there been any actual... How boring have I got? Have I ever believed that you'd like sat down during the day took time out to write your little rhymes I might have enjoyed them more but they were

literally you would press record and then the second you press record like a Pavlovian dog responds you're like fuck I need to think

of a theme and you would come up with it then and there and everybody enjoyed it everyone had a nice time

and then whoop whoop that's the sound of the fun police that was you whoop whoop and then you just come along

and pulled us over and told us to get out of the car you've been doing it for ages man if you're driving

slow on the comedy highway and you're stopping other banter get past then I'm going to pull you over. Going slow is just as dangerous as going too fast.

You've got to... You were holding up. You were like a fucking lorry over taking a tractor on a fucking dual carriageway. The fuck are either of you doing here? Nah, the fun police, shouldn't you be doing other things? What would be the equivalent, Haron?

I need your help with it. This is exactly how you did this, proves my point this is how you used to do the intro, here's my slam let me think of it this would be a really good metaphor if I'd had time to think about it the actual police when they pull you over on your car they're talking things like, I guess all the pedos have been

locked up then have they I guess you caught all the rapists have you you're pulling me over as if just pulling them over for that cream. What would the fun police have to have completely finished doing before they got round to me doing my song at the beginning of the podcast? Oh, like, what kind of shitty fun thing had they also ruined?

What's, like, a shit? Karaoke. Oh, hey. Have you stopped everyone lip-sync battling, have you? Have you caught all the lip sync battling karaoke's have you you had to get me with have you shut down tiktok have you got tiktok done already

is that finished I was just making sure nobody in the area is playing whack-a-mole you know that for a fact you double checked I like that we're constructing that joke from scratch like build a bay are you right so so the fact the fact that you're ruining me doing my

songs i'm assuming that within a five mile vicinity nobody's skimming stones the fact that you're able to stop me singing my songs means you can guarantee me that nobody is skimming stones in the area someone's finished playing poo sticks under a bridge, haven't they? You got all them guys up here? Is anyone playing pogs in the immediate vicinity? Was there that?

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. So no family is three hours into a game of Monopoly anywhere in the area. Nobody's phoned about that. That is actually when I was talking about

the police that cycled up and stopped us boxing saying that I could only run, cycle or walk as a workout. That legit was fun police, wasn't it? That's at the point they're at now. It's like, oh, you just can't actually have fun. You've got to be out here with the sole purpose of getting your heart rate up. You can't put an element on it. They're actually for a spell there.

No, no, no. They're not the fun police. They're the social police. They're actually for a spell there. No, no, no. They're not the fun police. They're the social police. They're definitely acting like the fun police, but it's more like don't only be out here for reasons other than

I miss people. Yeah, so the parks are open again in London. Yeah, we went for a long walk yesterday and they were a bit too busy for my liking. Aye. They felt like everyone's got to stay on the left of the path.

You're not allowed on the grass bit. Aye. And you've got to stay two metres apart. But there's too many little bottlenecks where people are too close to each other. I just felt a little bit itchy. A little bit like, ooh. I hope that...

You've got it. I hope, nah, I just hope that goes back to normal. I hope I don't continue with that feeling of being close to people's wrong. Well, fucking, if you've got it, because we're doing this via phone, right, via 5 fucking G, that means I've got it now.

Yeah. Are we doing it? You've just put it into... You've just said it into the fucking phone and it's latched onto one of those little 5G bandwidth things and it's flown down the line phone and it's latched onto one of those little 5G bandwidth things and it's flown down the line and now it's gone in my ear and now it's in my respiratory

system. You know the people who think 5G is a... The conspiracy theorists start to think 5G is to blame for whatever. Do you think they even know what 5G is? Because I don't. I don't know what the G means. I don't know the difference between 4G and 3G apart from as soon as 4G was released,g was shit like it's 5g just gonna make like your phone works like

normal with 5g but now all of a sudden 4g sucks but you hear what we're doing now this is the difference between us and them you and i are out there agreeing that i don't know what 3g means 4g 5g i don't know what it means right right? But we're not offering suggestions. We're just like, we don't know what it is. And that's it. The other people, not only do they not know what 4G or 5G is, they're coming up with their own explanation because they're so fucking stupid.

It's like how people come up with religion. They just go, I'll come up with the answer instead of I'll search for the answer. Yeah, I've just been listening to Yovel Noah Harari talking about how people need something to believe in and how when they believe in something they'll make sacrifices for it because that'll commit them to the

belief the minute you've lost something for the cause you want the cause to be true more than anything because then you'd look really foolish if it turned out

you were wrong when you've sacrificed a goat on a rock. Burnt down a mast? If you burnt down a mast and then found out you're wrong. If you've burnt down a mast, there's nothing will convince you otherwise than that it's 5G. Because you've went to the length of burning down a

mast. So you can't be the mug that burned down a mast for now. You can't be that guy. So you're going to have to fight that belief for your life, even if you are fucking stupid. I mean, that is it. What was the name of the guy? Yovel Noah Harari. It's the bloke who wrote Sapiens.

Oh, okay. Homo Deus, which was less good and then 21 Lessons for the 21st Century which wasn't as good as Sapiens but was better than Homo Deus as long as he keeps writing I'll keep reading it basically, he's good He's a good one

I need to get more, I've not been one of the main things I've learned about this quarantine is you know, we've spoken about it before, but everything that I said I would do if I had time off, I just wouldn't do. Turns out I'm the laziest cunt in the fucking world. I'm going to try to, my thing for next week is I'm like,

just read a book. Just read a book over the course of a week. That's it. Just a small fucking thing. Just a book with all the infinite amount of time that you've got within a week. Try and do that. It's hard to read in the house, I find,

because there's like a PlayStation there and a bird with an arse. What was the name of that? A bird with an arse and tits and that. What was the one you were telling me about, the We Are Something? Oh, We Are Bob, audiobooks. Yeah, that's fucking awesome.

I'm up to speed with that that so I'm waiting for the next one, but I actually started reading a book because can you remember when Rooney and Sid come to the Fringe in 2018 when we had shows on and one of their friends came, he's wrote a book, his debut novel and self-produced it so I started reading that, it's really

good, it's called Nathan's Big Smoke I think Sid told me about this I just didn't read as much when I'm in the house as I do when I'm travelling, so I'm just good it's called nathan oh i remember i think big smoke said told me about this but um i just didn't read as much when i'm in the house as i do when i'm traveling so i'm just slowly working through it but uh audiobooks i still put our way with audiobooks which is how i um ingested uh 21 lessons for the 21st century because every time i'm doing dishes cooking or like tidying up i've got my headphones in so it's much like i'm getting much more audiobooks listened to in the house, but it's just

sitting down to read. So you're reading that one that Sid's mates written? I'm reading The Big Smoke so people should go and look up The Big Smoke by Nathan Smith. Is Natalie ready by any chance? No, she's read it twice.

Oh, that's just interesting. She's waiting for yours to be released you're taking away the tantric satisfaction of the release date from her that's the only reason

she likes books just when they drop Amir read it within like three days and then apologised because she thought that three days

was too long to read it who is that Mattis Amir there's a children's book like it it's a scratch and sniff well it's not meant to be a scratch and sniff book

but I've been using my dick as a bookmark so it's just the consequences of my actions so yes I've got that book on the go and the audio book I've moved on to after 21 lessons is Limmy's book surprisingly down to earth it's fucking hilarious

oh he's a very funny man it's just like I think when you listen to his sense of humour that like you can see why Glasgow is like known as one of the funniest places on earth a lot of Glaswegians get it wrong. I think a lot of Glaswegians swing and miss with a Glaswegian pata.

Which is why Glasgow is the place in the world that you're most likely to get heckled at. Kevin Bridges is funny as fuck, but some of his fans who think they're just like him just aren't quite. You know what I mean? They say, I've got a mate who's just like him just aren't quite you know you know what I mean aye they say I've got a mate

who's just like Kevin Bridges and you just go fucking I promise you that you do not aye sometimes

you've got a mate who's a fucking knob aye but Libby I'm guessing is he Glasgow

yeah he is he's on the outskirts of Glasgow that's what he's talking about in his autobiography that he's like his street was on the border of where Glasgow ends.

Aye. Aye, but he's fucking, he's a funny man. There's one chapter I just described in his first wank. It was fucking hilarious. Is that a picture book? It's an audio book, so no. Not in my mind. But I kind of believe what he's doing.

A lot of people don't listen to it. Filthy bastard. That's mental, that's why I listen to that, right? And I just find it funny when he's talking about wanking. But like, when you guys listen to that, do you just picture a Lemmy's cock? Only when you say a Lemmy's cock. What even that is, I don't...

I don't like picture it for ages like you know I'm not I'm not gay I know what yeah but I'm not

it's not like it's an instant flash it's not like my brain spends like three seconds painting a picture of Lemmy's Cock in my brain it's just like

a sort of flash up like subliminal messaging do you know I was talking about remember when I listened to Birdsong on audiobook and there was a sex scene in it and I got a what the fuck is Birdsong?

this is where I'm going with it right it's the World War 1 book but it's a bit of a love story but like based in World War 1 and I started getting aroused listening to this sex scene right and I realised it was written by a man called Eric I think war one and um and i started getting aroused listening to this sex scene right now i realized it was written by a man called eric i think no who wrote it again you know anyway it was it was written by a man and read by a man and i was like oh i'm double gay now i'm getting turned on by two

blokes one bloke's mind and the other bloke's voice right and uh i ended up i was on a podcast um talking to mark simmons about um it was about jokes that you just give up on because you never quite got them working. And I started talking about some World War I jokes that I wrote and I got into it by talking about that bit. I started talking about getting aroused

when I was listening to the Bird Song and he'd never heard of the book. He just thought I'm in the morning chorus. He actually cracked a belt at tagline. That's maybe why I always wake up with a boner. I've got it to slow news, Dave. I'm repeating jokes from other podcasts.

I was just bringing it in previously on my banter. Have you been jumping on other podcasts? I was on Rob Mulholland's the other day. It was pretty fun because he does it on Zoom. So it's me,

Mickey Bartlett, Daniel Muggleton. I'd never met him before, actually, so he was on it. Oh, the Australia bloke. He's a lovely bloke. Yeah, so there's just

the four of us having a bit of a nap hour on Skype, on Zoom. No, I've been doing fucking zero other podcasts. I think I've been doing fucking zero other podcasts

I think I've definitely got asked and I'm just like nap man like I was just I don't I haven't got

the Wi-Fi for it I didn't want to admit it you just played it cool yeah I just

feel like I just I'm just dead busy or I'm just I'm just using this job it's just no I actually

physically I'm incapable of fucking doing it and I just can't be bothered even this podcast I can do twice a week and then I'm out of chat I'm just out of chat for the rest of the week

my social life is this conversation the Instagram live things and shouting at Elliot on Call of Duty aye I mean even even then, there's some people out there who are just, you know,

at the time of fucking lockdown, it's just them and their apartment because their fucking flatmates are away, so they've just been in quarantine themselves. There's people out there doing this solo. They must be going insane. I reckon we might be accidentally just preparing the next best generation of serial killers.

Man, all people have is time to plan. Are people starting to break yet? Oh, definitely, man. People will be going insane. I reckon the aftereffect of all this is I think murder is going to go through the roof, just because it's something to do isn't it you can plan you can get away

with it just make it look like it was Covid just choke them I'm sorry do you think

Covid-19 leaves fucking hand strangle marks on the neck like this is typical who's asking

questions at this point? I have no idea. Like I mentioned on the last podcast, it risked sounding like Groundhog Day and it risked sounding like just repeating myself all the time. There was nothing happening from one conversation to the next.

But just little things are starting to bother us more than the word. I was making a doll before, chopping up some onions, dry frying some spices, I salted the onions and the spices. I'm having a good day. And I got in the cupboard

for the coconut oil and it's not there. And just to say, I was with a puff pastry last week. I stood there, God, she said there was

fucking coconut oil. A coconut oil, coconut milk. And, fucking, I just stood there, just fucking pulling my hair out, God, you know what I did? I cooked it out of coconut milk and then I fucking I just stood there just fucking pulling my hair out

going to see you know what I did after I counted to ten I made some I made some stock and I just used stock but mate that was like the fucking end of days

that was like missing the flight it was like I'm getting the fucking high energy that you get from like something fucking terrible happening that's your rage for the day I know it

because you can't get it you can't spend it on road rage because you're not driving anywhere you can't spend it on some kind of the bus person

you can't even spend it like if your boss has been a fucking dick to you it's just like I've got to use the race today and finally it's on

myself because I deemed myself a failure. Like, I found myself screaming at Matty earlier. Like, screaming at the top of my lungs, right? Because me and Elliot had started moving on and we're laying on top of this rock. This is on Call of Duty Warzone.

Just explain to me, you're playing Call of Duty. Call of Duty, right? So me and Elliot are laying on top of a rock and I'm like, hurry up, hurry up, lads. We've laying on top of a rock and I'm like, hurry up, hurry up, lads. We've spotted someone and I tagged them

and I'm like, we've spotted someone. And Matty went, well, you ran off without me. Wait for it. And I'm like, mate, we didn't run off. We're lying on top of a rock.

We are waiting. He's like, well, you've run off without us? And I'm like, mate, I'm lying on top of a rock. And he goes, well, you've just ran off. And I'm like,

I just started screaming, like Natalie's just there making fucking date balls or whatever. And she's just looking at me going, Matty, stop talking. Listen, I'm lying on top of a rock. Now imagine what that's like in her world. She doesn't know what's going on in that computer game.

All right, but I think she's known you and Matty long enough to know full well what's fucking going on. Because I didn't even realise that, because you know, when she reminded us that that was happening I was like oh aye I did talk to him like that

because she because she was going if you spoke to me like that I would have just like cut the game off I was like if Matty had cut the game off for that

no it's because Matty's a bitch and he'll just take it he's got to respect for himself but I think it comes from like lads playing football together as well. I know Lass is two, but less so from my generation of fellas.

You'll go past the ball, you'll go and make a run, and you're like, I'm open. And he's like, well, make a run. Well, I'm fucking open. If I'm asking for the ball, give us the ball. We'll have them type of arguments all the time, all the way through coming up. So it doesn't sound,

like it doesn't, like we've got to that level where we can talk to each other like that. Ah, you're going, I'm not taking anything he says. I'm not looking for tone. Like if Natalie started talking to Kirsty like that, it would be fucking out the blue.

It would be out of fucking nowhere. Unprecedented. Unprecedented. But me and Matty just somehow ended up there. it would be out of fucking nowhere unprecedented unprecedented but me and Matty just somehow ended up there where we fucking screamed for long as we did each other hi you're the fucking pincer

oh man did I tell you I hated that fucking snake the other day talking about my book he was just asking questions about it he's like has it gone to print yet and I was like no we're still doing the last edits and what not and he's going oh you know what you should really do

you should really type out you should call up the pincer in the book and I'm like fucking under no circumstance it's something that's going to print at an act like a very large publishing company. I'm not spreading slander. I'm not the Bible.

One, spreading slander, but two, that would be like you'd lose all credibility you've ever had over bollocking me for trying to explain in-jokes to strangers. If you just slip an in-joke into your book. I mean, to be fair, I don't think there are any

in-jokes. I don't think there's any jokes in there. It's actually just a very factual book. Textbook. Aye, just lots of diagrams. It's not very factual. That was, I had Natalie read now Dave Longley's book to us the other night when we were still. Oh, she's read that, has she? Aye, it's not very fun. That was, I had Natalie reading out Dave Longley's book

to us the other day when we were still. Oh, she's read that, hasn't she? It's fucking class, but she read a chapter out of this, we just got high

and I was like, read us a chapter out of this and I just lay there while she was reading the book we did this and I recorded a bit and sent it to Dave Longley but she was reading it

so matter of fact but like, it's so, the humour in it's so dry, it's fucking hilarious but he was like, mate, it's meant to be a comedy book, don't read it like that of fact but like it's so the humour and it's so dry it's fucking hilarious but he was like mate it's meant to be a comedy book don't read it like that I was like it's a fucking textbook it's a fucking textbook

it's a fucking book what's it called? It's called A Proper Guide to Comedy A Proper Guide to Comparing by a Proper Comedian Dave Longley it's available on Kindle and you can buy the hard copy. Speaking of which,

back up to speed. Remember last podcast we done, I had a little whinge about how I'd not only not defrosted the puff pastry, which irked me, but I had also deleted my book. I'm back to where I was.

It's ready to publish. And I was just waiting for one thing, and it arrived today, so it's ready to go. I can publish it this week. And the one thing I was waiting for was the forward from your mum. She emailed us at the day, so I'll get the forward put in, and then I can release it. Great. I mean,

not great. It's a slander and lies book. Good for you. And even Alex, she seemed to believe that it wasn't slander and lies and that it was absolute truth bombs. So... So there's that. Well, what does she know?

I've kind of got back in now that... I can't believe Mattie tried to get you to put a fucking pincer thing in the book I know he was trying to tell us because you know the day that he got Tom to write as a song sing as a song about being a pincer and then I got Mark Nelson

to call him a pincer on his stand show which went out to 67,000 people he was telling us he was trying to get he was going to try and get you to get David Schwimmer to say something about the pizza I was like

you can't get Ross Giller in on this it's your why are you spreading your shit platter further why it's your why are you spreading your shit pattern further why why why why is there fucking

debris and collateral in this oh there was a funny thing as well where I posted a picture of

Megan Ricketts absolutely fucking shit face Hamad in Magaluf in 2007

I'll get this I'll get this out of the way first and if you zoom in

in the middle of the picture I didn't realise when I posted it if you zoom in Matty middle of the picture I actually realised when I posted it if you zoom in Matty is in between

with 2007 with his hand in a proper pincer motion on his chin it's like fucking it's like seeing

something in a bit of art like just fucking seeing something in a painting fucking girl the Da Vinci Code girl at the windmill the window of the

windmill or whatever you're just like fucking hell there it is way before it was even up for debate um so anyway uh this is a complete side point um i was looking for a picture of me at the age of 20 for the me at 20 hashtag which segues us well into muggle corner by the way yeahing me at 20 photos is very self-indulgent. Like, no one really gives that much of a fuck. But it made people feel good.

And they posted a picture of me at 20. And I was looking for a picture of me at 20. And you know what, Daniel? I don't have one. You don't have what? I don't have a photo of me at 20 because digital cameras weren't a thing. And if they were, they were a few hundred quid, you know,

they were like 500 quid and not many people carried a digital camera around with them. Cameras... So you couldn't nick one? Photos had to be developed. And you couldn't afford disposable cameras? No, we did. We could afford disposable cameras,

which is why the only photos of me at 20 years old are in a biscuit tin under my mum's bed. And was she able to send any through? I haven't asked her, actually. But it just was a dawning realisation on his way. I'm like, oh, my fucking God. The photos of me from being an adult aren't digital

ah you're an old cunt aye that was just a real fucking one of them moments where I'm like ah fuck that's a thing I guess all my photos

I started posting photos of myself online I guess Bebo time so that was about 11 or 12 I'm documented from then on somebody suggested check me MySpace I actually couldn't log into MySpace I did try

that would have even been from the age of 22 when I worked it out so the only way there would have been one of there from when I was in my 20s is if I put an old photo on. That's MySpace. Jesus Christ, you are an old one. Yes.

Were you there when the moon was invented? I remember when it was being built. Fucking hell. I loved it, take. I think they got all the rock from the quarry up in Ashton. They were mine and I, the open cast. They got all the moon rock all the rock from the quarry up in Ashton they were mine and I the open cast

they got all the moon rock from Woodhorn Colliery fucking hell there I how long did it take weeks yeah that's quite big isn't it makes sense

I don't know I don't know what to expect to be honest it's actually not that big it's not as far away as you think it's actually kind of small in fact

you know when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin got on it the reason that third guy that no one remembers his name because he didn't get on the moon even though he was a vital part of the operation. Oh, fuck, I do actually know his name. It's something incredibly common.

The only reason he didn't get on is because there wasn't any room. Or if he did, he would have fallen to Earth. It would have been too heavy. They were just like, mate, it's full. It's like getting a lift, max capacity. Four people are two lift. Max capacity. Four people and two astronauts. Michael Collins.

Michael Collins, aye. Aye, that's his name. Michelle Collins. Was that a singer? I don't know. You told me. It's amazing that Michelle Collins is more famous

than Michael Collins. Well, he didn't. I just, like, it does feel, like, very dicky for people who don't know Michael Collins or the whole thing up just it does feel like very dicky for people who don't know Michael Collins or the whole

up into space or what's lying on the moon they could have just let him aye like they really could have like I know

I just said he had just fucking you look look some people think the moon landings are fake just why don't you just do the Michael Collins landings fake

just fake the Michael Collins landingings fake? Just fake the Michael Collins Landings. Just let everyone think he did. Aye, why? Just let him step on it for a couple of seconds. Why? It would take him five minutes. And you're already up there. Absolutely pied him.

I reckon he's I don't want to fucking besmirch a man that's been to space but I reckon he's spineless

I cook imagine you sitting in that meeting right where they're going right so Neil you're going on

first you write you can say what you like send it to HR first because obviously we want to make

sure that it's good for socials we've had a team of writers and they said that you've got to say one step for team of writers and they've said that you've got to say one step for man, one giant leap for mankind. You've got to say one small step

for a man and then one giant leap for mankind. Can you remember that? We'll write it down. He's like, nah, fuck it. I'll remember it. We've got to let history know that men did it. You know, make sure we say man twice in the thing that we say when we get on.

You've got to say one small step for a man one giant leap for mankind so learn that and do you want us to write it down he's like no don't write it down and we're like you can go on you can say I mean just say whatever nobody gives a shit at that point

and then Michael just stay on the ship and at no point was he like fucking excuse me he was like yeah no that's fine that makes sense I just reckon I would have had a little bit of fucking I beg your pardon I don't get to go on it myself I think you'll fucking

find a do try and stop me what are you going to do? I'm driving you daft cunt tell you what you let me on or i'll fuck off how about that i hope the fuck at least i hope at least he does my thing where like you're going to pull away just to get to the door what are you gonna do how are you gonna how are you gonna stop me getting out second of all oh i guess because he because he was on the he was on the orbiter bit that's why wouldn't he so he didn't even land on it no he didn't he was in the orbiter bit. That's why, wasn't he? So he didn't even land on it?

No, he didn't. He was in the... That's my dad's. What happened there was, while we were doing that bit, my dad from the future was screaming. So he was keeping the fucking engine running. Oh, my God, Collins, what did you do when you got back?

Did you fucking keep waiting to take the strip club with the engine running for your pals while they went for a lap dance, you fucking cuck? Maybe he's being a bit harsh on him now no no no

I think it's fair I mean there's more reason to it it does make more sense now that I think about it I mean he was definitely up in there it's a little

it feels a little bit rich coming from Daniel Sloss's support act right do you want to explain what muggles are to any new listeners? Ah, everybody listening, basically you Now, muggles are Right, there's a certain sweetness to being a muggle It's like

You know, muggles Like to do Secret Santa and that Like, muggles like to do secret santa and that like muggles like to do like a little whip run for some

fuck it I'm doing a bad example here because whip run for someone's birthday present isn't muggly but it's just

that like it's just that basic stuff you know like it's like the vanilla side of life

but really indulging in the vanilla side of life so yeah muggles say the more common examples are

like muggles when you say you're going on holiday, they're like, oh, pack me in your bag, that shit. Ah, you missed a bit, the window cleaner. Like,

like, Love, Laugh, Live is the fucking go-to muggle. Like, I think the internet has encapsulated Karen as being the muggle. Aye.

It's not necessarily, I mean, Karen is generally negative. Yeah. Muggle can be negative, but in general, it is not a negative thing, necessarily.

Yes. My one for, so basically each week, we will offer up, well, I mean, each week, we've not done it for fucking ages,

but one of us will suggest something that is up for debate about whether it's a thing that muggles do. And if you do do, if it is muggly, it goes into Muggle Corner. And if you do do or have done said thing yeah join it it's something we did from the early podcast and uh you might have heard we're talking about muggle it up on mugglepedia and that mugglepedia is the resource where you can find all of the mugglery why but

it doesn't actually exist i think it does actually. Rich Massara made it when he was around. Back in the good old days. Muggles post screenshots of Zoom calls. Yes. Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. I get it. Right, I get it.

I was on a Zoom call yesterday with Matthew Mercer and Marisha Wright right the temptation went through me I was like I could take a picture with this I could post up because it's a fun thing like it's like hey we're not being social but we are being social and I'm connecting with all of these cool people isn't technology fucking great but at the end of the day I don't give a fucking shit who you spoke to what are are you talking about? Showing me, you might as well tweet about, just got off the phone to my mum. She's doing well. Why

are you tweeting it? Who gives a shit? And I took a screencap the other day. I didn't post it. Well, this is why, because I failed. I was trying to screencap my iPad because it was me, Rick, it's Matty and Sopit were all playing Call of Duty, but we had the house party app running

and it had like a stripe each. It had like four portrait stripes on a landscape screen and it just looked kind of good. I was like, here's my fucking, like if Wish made the Avengers. I tried to screen cap that, but I kept hitting the power button. I was like,

I'm probably not a bullet. I tried three names and just fucking knocked me iPad off. Three names and eventually just got vexed and quit. Old, old man. Fucking pictures of me as an adult in a shoebox. Fucking bullshit.

So it's... Because I guess when you've got a picture of you and your pals, it does have this certain importance to it where you're like, oh, look at all us together on this screen in isolation. And you want to capture that moment the same way you want to capture a moment where you're on holiday together and you take a photo.

You're still getting that vibe in taking the photo, but it is 100% muggly to post that as if anyone cares as much as you do Aye, it's the reason you get to take a photo with you all on holiday is because guess what, you all from different parts of the world, or the same country

went to a different fucking country that's impressive, you and all five of your mates, you all from where you live, you went to Lanzarote you stood in the same place you had a holiday together you took a photo that took fucking ever

you signed online at the same time as your fucking mates it's not as impressive it's not a holiday photo aye I get the meaning comes from it

but it's just you might as well screen grab screen grab just who you've previously dialed you might as well fucking tweet your DMs like it's just you might as well screen grab screen grab just who you've previously dialed you might as well fucking tweet your DMs like it's

do you think it's a bit too personal you can't capture what's actually happening in that you've just got four mug shots and I know it comes from a good place it's like hey we're my friends in a conversation you go but realistically nobody gives a shit in that

Yo Vel Noir Harare book aforementioned aforementioned he was talking about when you see someone's holiday photo you're not really getting in the picture it could just look glorious, blue sky there's some sand, the sea's there, you both look happy but what's really happening

have you been stung by mosquitoes all week and your fucking legs throbbing how you fell out with the person that you stood with and you're just putting on a smile for the photo and all that it's like i wonder how many people would post their photos if you could actually feel what they were really feeling in the picture man facebook would be better because all the muggles i wouldn't have to listen to people talking about their fucking relationships on Facebook anymore. Like, man, if you were able to really get the fucking vibe, I don't think anyone would post. There'd be more sincerity.

It was like, remember we watched American Vandal? Aye. In season two, when we lived, this is the first generation to live two lives, the lives that they live and the lives that they curate online aye curating that's aye

I think it's a it's a sweet mugglery to screencap your picture where you're just having a Google hangout with your friends while you're in isolation you're just

you're just showing that you're coping you're just like this is what we're doing we did a we did a family one the other day. That's what I was like. We did a family one. My mum's side of the family,

that's my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles. And you were just a pixelated screen that kept cutting out. Aye, aye. Yeah, the illusion of me. And, man, it was fucking great. We fully enjoyed it. And that was fine. It becomes mugglery when you go, hey, here's the thing I enjoyed and it was fucking great. We feel like I enjoyed it. And that was fine. It becomes mugglery when you go,

hey, here's the thing I enjoyed and it was great. I assume the rest of the world feels the same way about this thing. Yes, I agree. That goes in Muggle Corner. So if you're new to Muggle Corner, then the rule is that you stand in the corner for 30 seconds. If you have screencapped a picture of yourself on a Zoom, Hangout,

house party app, like any sort of video calling app. No screen, I've posted it, yeah. Yeah, and you've posted it. What's your one? Mine is people who ask you to delete photos because they don't look nice. Oh, Jesus, those cunts. And imagine them doing it on Zoom calls as well, like, can you actually delete that one because you screen grabbed it

while I was clearly having a wank Aye, because that's there's a point where you just go, oh no, that's how you look, like too many photos have been taken now for you to try and like try and engineer this that you look perfect all the time I know what you look like when I look

at you, that photo's a photo of you, yeah it does look like you're about to sneeze because you're in the middle of saying a word that you're finding difficult because you're too drunk to pronounce it. But that is who you are and that is your face in that moment in time. So, uh-huh, no, I'm not deleting it. Yeah, and also, I don't want to find you attractive.

I don't want to look at a photo of you and be like, fuck, he or she looks great there. I don't want to, like, you know, just reminisce and want to fuck my mate. I'll have an actual visual representation of what I think you look like in that is. Yeah, here's an idea. How about I don't delete it,

but you don't put it as your Tinder profile? Like just meet a happy medium. Don't go fishing with that one. But don't make me fucking get like, don't make me do admin. We're going to have to pause. I've got a delivery coming. Two seconds. We're pausing have to pause. I've got a delivery coming. Two seconds.

We'll pause at the same time. Now. Right. So we'll pause for you. What did you get delivered? Well, so it turns out there is, even though the Wi-Fi in my area is absolutely fucking shit, regardless of who it's with,

there is 4G routers that you can get now so basically you can do it via EE or whatever company you're with and it's basically a chance to potentially have better WiFi Ah, a booster thing. You know what I owned ages ago, a press up a press up deck

thing where you put the handles in so you can isolate your triceps or do a bit more to do with your shoulders and that and different parts of your chest, which is fucking lame. But there's only so much you can do in the house. I thought it would be a nice addition to my home workout kit. And it said it was going to be due in the middle of May or something. I was like, what the fuck? That means you're out of stock.

Don't sell us something that's out of stock. And then I got a message, SMS come through, saying I'm looking for it now saying I got dispatched from China yesterday and should be with you by a certain date, I'm like doing certain stuff from China like everybody involved

in this should know that the thing from China probably shouldn't be working its way to me I think at this point Corona is so everywhere it's like yeah it would be it would be like i think at that point it's like running into no man's land with a shield it's like mad bullets are coming from all directions but it's surely like that was my thing though if if you have to send us the press-up frame from china you're just out of stock like just if

there's none in the uk just don't bother like just go nah Kai look elsewhere keep shopping mate there's none in didn't be like it's on it's way aye

it's welcome to the world of convenient welcome to capitalism baby it's like the delivery essentially done that thing you know you know

and your mates tell you they're just five minutes away and haven't even left the house yet aye aye it's just that you're just like just tell us like I could literally be doing anything while i'm waiting for you why are you telling us you're just getting you're just driving past us i knew i can see

on friend fine are you still in the house i just be fucking don't don't fucking don't literally waste my time and the same thing with deleting these fucking photos which is just i'll delete that photo could you fuck i can't be friends with someone who's this narcissistic and I say this as a narcissist like you know even I've never in my life

seen you know especially even if I see a bad photo of myself I normally find it quite funny aye they are funny

I'm like that's funny you know you put it in the group chat other people fucking point it out you turn it into a fucking meme for a day

it's you seriously sew up your own eyes, you're like, not a single bad photo of me can exist. It's hilarious when you get a fucking, when you get memed, when you put like fuck, I ended up taking such a bad photo on one of my holders when I

was mashed that up, my mates ended up with it as their profile photo. Just RIP because they thought you were dead. You just look like fucking Roland Ratt right so if you ask somebody who's ever in your history of your life ask somebody to delete a photo that they just

took of you because you think it looks bad go take a photo of yourself looking sad in the corner you fucking muggle yes so that's muggle Corner back with those two items they're both in we'll save the other ones for next time yes got ya

I'm going to have to do some editing as well because I paused it when you went to the fucking delivery we've got a I've just given the listeners a little bit of a peek behind the curtain I would really rather you didn't. I would literally.

Do you know we're such an unprofessional podcast in the way we conduct ourselves? But we have now, as of now, just done 10 regular podcasts in a row that have been released on the button when people expect them to be released. Like, you can set your calendar by us now. Aye, but the standard hasn't gone up.

Nah, there is that. There's a lot of elements, actually. Aye, I mean, it's just a conversation. The sound quality's not great. The content quality is questionable. And how many can still listen to it? People, I don't know,

quite a few. All cunts. You can even count. I've double checked. 4,000 episodes were about three quarters of a million

total downloads. Well, there you go. Yes. What a bunch of fucking morons. I like them. I like some of them. Well, there you go. Yes. What a bunch of fucking morons. I like them. I like some of them. Well, most of them.

I like them. They're very nice. Your dad's in it. The one constant in your life is fucking that we slag off each other's dads. Your dad eats bananas

like corn on the cob and corn on the cob like he's eating a banana just reverses him what he does is he just chews

straight through the fucking outside of the banana right just eats the skin rotates it while he's gnawing

on the outside of the skin just the skin throws away the middle that's disgusting then with corn on the cob fucking fully

peels away all the corn and then just eats that big fucking round bit with his front teeth too wow well your dad peels his lips back

and snarls like a dog if you go near his favourite toy yeah obviously it's his favourite which if I know your dad that's his train set

your dad says he's his train said your dad says he's completing Tinder because he's banned from it he's like Tinder Tinder complete it

and you're like aye Kev because of all the awful things you said to all those women like none of them fucked you

you just got banned from a fucking Hinge even banned you as well you haven't been on a single date oh Danny

I've done that trick on your dad you know where you make your hand like an egg and you pretend to crack your egg on the head

and then you slowly open your hand and it feels like an egg's cracking on the head when I tried to do that egg trick

on your dad I knock him clean out your dad was prepared for this apocalypse because he saved up all the

chocolates that you get on hotel pillows right he's been saving them up for years he reckons off of them

never because he's going to travel lodges what once twice a year he reckons he reckons at this point he's probably surviving six months.

What, on all the chocolates? Aye, he's got real bad. He's a bad hoarder. I'm talking his collection is seven chocolate bars. Wow. Aye. He's got a sweet tooth. Your dad considers himself

to be a pimp because your mom gives him money to not complain when she shags other people. Just fucking shut up, man. Look. Your dad uses his dick as a bookmark just like I do But your dad's got a Kindle Oh wow

Your dad puts the biscuit in before the tea bag When he's making a cuppa Your dad buys dental floss And just chews it like gum Because he likes the flavour Your dad and your uncle are sat in A&E right now because they can't get their willies out of a Chinese finger trap.

Nice threesome. Good for them. And that's all I've got for you, conversation-wise and jokes-wise. Alright, well... We're running dry after ten podcasts, I believe. I mean, we're running dry after 10 podcasts,

I believe. Well, I mean, we were running dry after seven, but we've, we've put on a brave face. Right. I will run a dry after 10 podcasts.

This is podcast 167. I meant in general. You thought I meant quarantine. All right. Send us a phone mate bye