Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Raising Your Apendix

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Kicking off 2022's Podcasts with a wholesome catch up of their civilised New Year parties that quickly declines into childish chat about inappropriate arousal setting the tone for a wonderful year ahead. 

Hello podcast listeners Thank you very much for tuning in to another episode Where we're just sort of I mean it's not the Gooch of the New Year anymore We're just into the new year But all of our chat is sort of based during that time of Absolute fucking nothingness We talk about school nicknames

I'm trying to name my son And it's harder than we initially thought We speak about games because we talk about games and there's fuck all else we're really doing, apart from being boring cunts. And then inappropriate turn-ons. We discuss paedophiles and whether or not they are paedophiles. It turns out they're always fucking paedophiles.

You know those sick fucking nonsense. And then some other shit. Look, hey, if you're listening to this, you're always just like, like Oh why does this bit Of the podcast exist And Sign up to Patreon And listen to the one with Garathon

Oh Sign up to Patreon And listen to the one with Garathon It was very very good It was very good I was Just repeating information Without any

Passion there But that was true Yeah Tune in motherfuckers Bye Patreon Are you not Why does this Why does this part of the podcast exist? Enjoy.

Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Are you new yet? Aye. Hungover? Big one? Still. Do you not keep it going? No. Spank holder? We got drunk and I got we got drunk and I I think I got drunk

and then I thought I got because like so we weren't having a big one because it's well because we're all in our 30s you've got you've got a

pregnant fiancé yes heavily pregnant fiancé and recently with child couple friend aye so my best friend from high school

who I am three months older than little Ali he's they've had a kid recently with child couple friend. Aye, so my best friend from high school, who I am three months older than, little Ali, they've had a kid who is going to be three months older than our kid. So I'm just like, please consistently bring your baby around, just so I've got like three months. Climatise. Yeah, absolutely. And also just get used to it.

Like, you know me, I love babies anyway, right? And if there's, I love normal babies. And the baby of one of my best friends is like you know with Can and Gav you've already got affection for that baby even though you don't know them you just like you love that child

it's there it's there it's written in just the rules so baby comes round I love kids anyway and I'm getting advice off Hallie because he's going through literally what I'm going to go through

but also we've got I think you know Gareth and Cullen there and because I've not been drinking for a bit I was going to go through but also we've got I think you know Gareth and Carl in there and because I've not been drinking for a bit I was like to Gareth I was like I'll drink I'll get drunk

I'll be good and like Gareth doesn't mind and because Laura wasn't drinking as well because she was coming late for work anyway we've got a new board game which Gene got

us which is absolutely exceptional and it's going to throw in a caveat for people listening to this and this is eight players it's between five and which is absolutely exceptional and I'm going to throw in a caveat for people listening to this and this is 8 players? it's between 5 and 10 but it's better with more players

so if you don't have many friends this next part of the podcast is not for you and I'm sorry Daniel, I know your audience I do know my audience this is for literally nobody you're talking to no, Sid and Rooney listen to no i'm just playing said it really listen to this i was just taking the piss i was more insulting to us that you have to be super

lonely if you like this podcast i was not kidding i know who you are i see you all uh secret hitler um it's just the game is called secret hitler it's called secret hitler and in the game there's a secret hitler and there's a bunch of secret fascists. It's the closest to In the Room Among Us that you can get pretty much. Ah, good. Yes. That's a great game. Yes, and it's a really, really good version of that, except

different in its own way. One of you is Hitler, three of you are, depending on the number of you, two or three of you are fascists. The fascists know who each other are. Hitler doesn't know who anyone is. Liberals don't know who anyone is, and you're trying to enact fascist policy, liberal policies. The rules sound complicated, they're not. It just involves being in a room and being good at lying

and accusing other people, and when you get drunk, God fuck me, does it turn into a good game. Even when you're defending yourself and you know it's you, do you get so committed to your own lie? Right, so here is... That you feel affronted that you're getting committed to your own lie right so here is like you feel affronted that you're getting

called out on a lie aye aye well yeah and also like Cara has this sixth sense which I guess is a good sixth sense

for her to have which is whenever I'm a fascist she's like he's a Nazi this round and I can lie my way out of it

because she does it so often that that can be part of the fucking narrative but it's good news that if I ever start to lean right

in the future Cara Gareth's going to be like, he's a Nazi now. He woke up different this morning. Just say that last line again. Say what you said. All journalists should be gassed. Oh no. Well, I mean, I didn't say gassed. I said kilt. The gassed would make it

more specific. But, I mean, you've touched on a very good point of what the game becomes, which is my favourite bit now, is to just play the whole game as a German socialist but with a heavy German accent and just be like I love the Jews the Jews are great how could I be a little okay I enact one fascist

policy I'm a Nazi come on so me and Gareth just do that. You sound like the guy from Barry. Yeah God when's the new season of that, actually? I don't know, but I think I've still got a season to watch. It's very good. He's one of the best characters in anything.

Aye. Yeah, yeah. Well, to be fair, my German accent is just European bad guy accent. You know, it's very much James Bond rules with me when it comes to accents. So we end up getting quite drunk playing that game Ali and

Joanne leave because well I mean she had a caesarean birth and that's like a real legit fucking surgery you've been through surgery

yeah it's not like you've been through surgery you have been through surgery no no it's like it it's like having an appendix removed it's like having your tonsils out yeah except you get to keep the appendix.

Not the same, similar. You get to raise the appendix as your own. You get to name it. It's good fun. You wipe its bum. Yep. We've titled the podcast Raising Your Appendix. So, man, the fact that she'd even come out to hang out, Raising your appendix So They

Man The fact that she'd even Come out To hang out She came out as gay After having a baby Yeah she knew She was like

Man I do not I do not want anything Widened my vagina again It's fingers and tongues From here on in I thought I didn't like Cock now I hate it Look what it's done to my body

Man legitimately Do you reckon that's ever happened Somebody hated pregnancy so much they changed sexual orientation. Well, like, there's none of that stuff with the... Well, because, man, I definitely reckon, like, people are born gay, obviously, but I do think, you know, people that were, like,

just bi, somewhere in the middle on the spectrum, were, like, pushed more over to one side because of experience with one gender like i reckon there's plenty of women out there who i mean it's the it's the old uh the old hack fucking joke of less it was like oh i'm done with men but i do reckon that's probably true and i also reckon it's true for some guys who are just like i've had too many shy relationships with women and you know what at this point it's it's cock from here on in love me mate it's it's a practical reason it's not it's not sexually it's not sexually driven it's just look i'm gonna be i just want to hang around with pal more maybe i'm i reckon he fancies me and it makes us feel good all right we get to play the same and look i don't have to play just like boring

two-player co-op games i can play like we can play gears of war together i don't have to talk him into playing gears of war i have to be like oh no the lore is dead good there is a girl i don't like i don't have to like get him into it through astro's playroom and then the lego games i don't have to do years of conditioning i could just yeah straight in um here's the dumbest thing i've ever said and i haven't said i don't think that's true but let's go you know how we were talking yesterday yesterday the last podcast

if you listened if you listened to the last podcast yesterday that is true to you and you only when we spoke last week on the podcast and you were talking about

how the clit isn't just a clit it's like a massive thing and the bit inside do women ever get pleasure pushing the baby out like I know that's the dumbest thing

I've ever said Because it's fucking Horrifically painful But is there ever a moment In that pain Where I'm like Oh oh On that spot

I mean Oh elbow there Keep elbow in there Keep elbow in there Probably Because man You've also got to remember Like there are some people

That are just Like into pain Like they're Like they get off On pain themselves So do you reckon anyone that's like sadomasochism and stuff if you're in the snm during childbirth is that pedophilia no because you're not being you're not being turned on by the kid it's not it's nothing

like the kids involved but not in any sort of sexual with the kids but it's the pain from the thing that would be likely you know if you're if your sadomasochism is you like fucking that's like it's not the blowjob off the kid it's the moisture in its mouth

no it's the kid's involvement is the paedophilic bit no no no like if you like if you like fucking pain in your nipples right

a needle through your nipples you don't get turned on every time you're at the tattoo thing being like why don't you fucking stick that needle in my fucking nipple

it's like the vibrations on the bus making you have a stiffy you're not attracted to buses yeah you don't fancy's like the vibrations on the bus making you have a stiffy. You're not attracted to buses. Yeah, you don't fancy buses. You don't fancy the bus driver. Do I reckon?

Yeah, I reckon. Because I reckon, you'd have to ask a doctor, well, a nurse, a midwife, because I reckon they've seen everything. Every doctor I've ever spoken to is one, obviously, let's do the clap for the NHSs uh caveat that we have to put in

they're very brave and god bless them all and and they do a job i'm not brave enough to to do well done all of you nurses underfunded all right now that i've done that bit fucking all of them are on drugs on the way have you ever met a doctor a close doctor friend of yours that hasn't done heaps more drugs than you have it's amazing when you meet teachers and loads of comedians or teachers and you're like oh fuckies have been on acid the whole time i just carried on your student life and they're teaching us yeah yeah i don't know if i was i can't remember i was talking to this about the day it's unimportant but like this generation by this generation i mean years and under i think I would love to know the actual real stats for how many of us have done drugs slash have done drugs regularly at one point in their life compared to all the other generations.

Because based on nothing at all other than just conversations I have with people, I reckon it's three times as many. Like, I think it's just there was the generation of people that were like oh it's the devil's lettuce oh and under no circumstance would you smoke it and you can't be done this is your brain on drugs with a scrambled egg all that fucking indoctrination of all this shit to the generation of hippies that came before like our parents

where it kind of came in a little bit but they were still fucking vilified and they got stamped out to this generation which is just where it's the most common thing that you just assume that everyone is on. Like, friends of,

I don't want to fucking name who it is because it will reveal who their sibling is and I'm pretty sure they listen to the podcast. But they were like, man, there was one time I was out at a nightclub and my sibling, who's like five years younger than me,

like I'm the older brother, I'm out, and like she's dancing on the night floor. I'm like, man, is this the time that I'm out and like she's dancing on the night floor I'm like man is this the time that I go and you know go offer a a line of coke and he's like

you know what it's her birthday you know it's like she's 21 like I think it's you know it's let's go and he goes up

and she was already on coke and she's keeping it from him because why why would you share it and again it's just this more common thing I would I love to know the

actual fucking statistics of how many of, you know... Because all my friends who are doctors, and when I say they're doing drugs, they're not doing drugs while they're on the job, but they're doing drugs because they are just trusted to deal with traumatising shit day in, day out.

Life is hard, man, on the weekends here. I'm not even on call tonight. I'm going to get loose. Why are you drinking? Seven children died this morning. Oh, yeah, yeah, enjoy that. Can I pour a bit of whiskey in? I'll pour one out for the homies.

You don't pour anyone out. You clearly need that. Why did the children die while you were drunk? Shit. Because I probably shouldn't encourage it then. Aye. I can't remember how we got onto this.

We, to excavate the conversation as we do so finally, is we got onto that line of inquiry from women given birth. Aye, aye, aye. So whether they get

actually fucking satisfied from giving birth I think is an absolute no. Right. Well, is an absolute no. Well, not an absolute no. I think there's small little things in there, but I don't think they would ever have admitted it and I don't think the doctors would ever acknowledge it. Like, these doctors see you pissing shit.

They think it's one of them things that just never gets spoken about. It may happen from time to time, but it never gets mentioned. You know, like, sometimes the bong water goes in your mouth. Or you drool in the bong water. Aye. And are you drooling the bong water yeah i and you're just like well look like let's let's not get it yeah yeah like if we all really thought about how often our hands probably come in contact with piss then yeah yeah then it would just be probably a bit yeah like you know when you're the urinal in australia and you've got your shorts on and you feel it like splashing against the skin of your legs and you're like, oh, so my jeans are just covered in piss from day to day.

Yes, aye. Yeah, why do... Why do Aussies only have pissy toilets on the floor? What's that about? The urinals. The urinals that you don't know whether to stand on it or not. Yeah, the one with that... We're talking about that fucking weird cattle crate that they have.

Aye, what's that about Australia? Some people stand on it and then everybody follows suit and stands on it. And some people don't stand on it and everybody follows suit and don't stand on it. But nobody clearly knows what to do about it. Aye. Why do you live like that, Australia? What's that about? Then again, why do you live the way you live most of the time?

I'll tell you why. It's because you like the sun and that's enough for you. Here's a question. oh sorry bookmark that uh you know how um sometimes you wake up with a morning glory still in your 30s i thought it would be gone by now right but i'm 38 years old now i sometimes get up like i had friends over and i'm like i want to go down and make myself a coffee but i'm like well yeah i've got a boner i kind of just get up now and walk down in my pajamas i have to like I go out for a piss brush my teeth wait for it to go away

and then go and do my boner I still not all the time not as like regular like it was literally a sundial when I was younger it was like regular clockwork

you wake up and you go oh it's it's 8 o'clock and I've slept in I've had it where I've been at Milo's before and these kids have ran in and started like

fucking jumping and running and waking us up and that and I'm like I couldn't get up and play away if I wanted to it was fucking horrendous are you not concerned that like your baby's gonna start crying you've got a morning glory and you've got to go and pick your baby up and you're just stood cradling your baby with a boner because this must be a thing

that happens to men that never gets mentioned i but i've i saw i don't know about you i saw my dad's cock fucking heaps when i was young he's a wrecked penis no. No, it's a wrecked penis. Well, I don't know. Maybe I blocked that, but I definitely saw like, because whenever my parents were having showers and stuff, cause I was young, they weren't, they're not locking doors.

They need to be within instant access of getting close to me. And also from a fucking young age, my parents would just, when we got the jacuzzi, they were just like, we, we were not wearing clothes in our own jacuzzi. And like, because who gives a shit?

So, I mean. I noticed, like, different, like, families and houses have different nudity rules. Some are just, like, full, just free-balling about the house. And it's not, like, I can't remember ever seeing me mam naked. Nah. I'm glad for that. Aye.

Like, that's not there. Not that I have a visual imagination anyway. I couldn't bring it up and recall it if I so wanted to. What about your dad's cock? I do mind seeing my dad's cock because I used to get changed for swimming in the cubicles with him. I had to get in the cubicle and change for my dad.

So, like, as I was older, I would change for my dad. I think if my son were to ever see my right penis, because I'm sure it does happen, and I'm sure it's just something that's, like, you just, your brain goes, don't you don't need this memory for the rest of your life trust me buddy we'll just leave in that fucking advert jingle we'll leave that in there we'll repress this i imagine it's like you go dad why is your penis like that and then you then you that's the dad you've just got this awkward thing like well okay

well sometimes during the night i'm just fucking horny for nothing i just sometimes get horny out of nowhere go on do chin-ups on it i fucking dare you sometimes it's not fucking horny for nothing I just sometimes get horny out of nowhere go on do chin ups on it I fucking dare you sometimes it's not even horny it's like Brendan Burns had a routine he's like I need a shit

and that's where my prostate is is this shit pushing against my prostate aye I reckon there's Jim Jefferies has a routine about his son just fucking slapped his cock when he came out of the shower. Like, it happens loads.

But it's like, there is this one thing I've noticed is there is a contingent of people who are not parents who think everything is paedophilia. And there's also a contingent of parents who think everything's paedophilia. And their fears, I would say, are a bit more legit because, like, they're going to, like... Do you think you think some of them are like homophobic people who just haven't admitted they're gay they're getting thoughts and they're pushing them doing and and spitting

them out yeah they're going you're sexualizing a child there you're like nobody here is sexualizing the child and if you think that sexualizing a child you've got something on your mind a lot of the time it's like look it's i don't know if you ever see this controversy whenever it comes up but one of the one of the ones i can remember was it was uh david beckham and victoria beckham kissing their children on the lips right and people being like that's fucking disgusting you go right so none of your parents then like it's bad like teenagers sure right and if you're teenagers if you kiss your teenagers on the lip i don't have questions for you. I've got questions for your teenager. And I'm like, do you know your parents can see you doing that?

And you're fine with that? Cool. If you blow raspberries on your adult son's belly. It's questions for him. Unless you held him down and did it. And she's like, go on, mum, I love this bit. This isn't even an intimacy thing. It's an arrested development thing.

You're supposed to grow the fuck up. This isn't even an intimacy thing. It's an arrested development thing. You're supposed to grow the fuck up. I saw breastfeeding on a train with a child that was old enough to say, ma'am, get your tits outed, I'm hungry. Aye. And look, I have some opinions on, like,

the age that it's okay to breastfeed until, but then again... It's if you can undo the bra or not, there's the line. And it's still none of me business, but if I wasn't that, I'd be like, should we probably stop breastfeeding them now before they're damaged as a human? I do feel there is a little bit of weirdness if the baby is able to be like, left titty today, mama.

Not the right one. You know, that's been bad for the past couple of weeks. And look, obviously, it's very important that all children are fed and it doesn't matter if it's breast milk or not like fed a fed baby is the best baby but aye

I wouldn't want anybody to feel like they had to go and do it somewhere in private because of my tutting and judgement because like

that's not who I am but I did judge the six year old's child with his new with his adult teeth aye it's the same thing but I see that

as like you've not weaned them up it's the same thing. But I see that as like a, you've not weaned them off. It's the same with a five-year-old with dummies. You go, right, alright, somebody's failed here. Like, there is a, dummies are until like three or four. Teenager, that sucks the thumb. That's somebody didn't do your job on the way up.

Aye, a 14-year-old that still says biscotti. It's not you, buddy. It's not you, but your parents, your parents should have been enacting certain parental rules earlier on it's on you to fix it now bud somebody didn't do their job it's all yours

kissing children on the mouth is one of those things where like man you can't stop a child like that's what kids think kisses are if you're fucking six or seven years and also

it's one of the very few years where your kids are openly going to show you a fucking affection and then you've got all these people in the comments being that's fucking sick David Beckham kissing his daughter on are openly going to show you a fucking confession and then you've got all these people in the comments being, that's fucking sick. David Beckham kissing his daughter on the lips.

You're like, you're the fucking pedo. You're the fucking pedo. Because what happened was, you saw a grown man kissing his fucking daughter on the lips and you were like, fucking, that's... Oh, erogenous zones, I told you. Oh my God, Jesus,

that must be fucking heat. That's dead naughty because there's something sexual in that. You've sexualised it because you're the fucking pervert don't project that onto David Beckham aye but I will

project on the the rabbi that sucks the blood off a circumcised penis oh yeah I am projecting upon that

yeah yeah well there's nothing medical about that that's just you being a fucking nonce oh but it's tradition I bet it's a fucking

tradition that was just, you know. Yeah, stop that. Stop that, guys. Oh, that's not on. Bad. Bad rabbi. Slap the lips.

So we ended up getting quite, quite deadly on New Year's. Played that game a couple of times. Played a couple of other ones and then I was the level of drunk and I don't know if you do this but sometimes

I get drunk than I expected myself to get and what I try to do is I try to convince not only everyone else in the room but I also try to do is I try to convince not only everyone else in the room, but I also try to convince myself that I'm sober. So I do things I think a sober person would do at those points in time,

which for me is often what I'll do is I'll get into my bed and I'll read my book and I'll just be like, this is what I do when I'm sober. And they're like, it's nine o'clock at a house party, Daniel. Stop acting sober in bed with your boob it's really drunken behaviour right now no it's like man two thirty in the morning

me and Cara got to bed Cara stone cold sober right she's had half a she's had half a glass of bubbly just at the bells just so she could feel

a little bit fucking normal but that's it and I'm up there and I'm talking shy and I can feel myself talking shy and I'm like the only way

I can convince her I'm not she doesn't care that I'm drunk she knows I'm drunk but the only way I can convince her I'm not she doesn't care that I'm drunk she knows I'm drunk but the only way I can convince her that I'm not as drunk

as she thinks I am is to just keep talking more and I just explain to myself over and over again and she stops listening and the next day I was like

oh god I was a bit drunk last night she was like you said happy new year to me nine times yes repetitive drunk

I've been really feeling that in myself lately, the repetitive drunk, when you keep repeating the same joke, because I've been hanging around pregnant people a lot. At the wedding with Natalie's two mates who are pregnant, I was like,

oh, I was such a repetitive stage of drunk, I must have been so fucking annoying to them. Whereas you normally wouldn't be conscious of it, because everybody else is in the same state. It's like having fucking, it's like having cameras on your night out you see yourself for who you are when there's a sober person there all right well yeah and it kind of helps you i mean helps you improve self-reflect self-reflecting go okay i'll try and not get that drunk again i'll try and um i i was pretty much the only one getting high

at my new year party because Matty sent us some of his new grow off just snitching on him that was fun I had to bleep that out

fucking what time is it twenty one shall we throw that down yeah please so I got I got high and there wasn't back in you know how he makes them

glow sticks like you can see the green through the paper and it looks like the fucking it looks like it's just been doing the back of home i simpson shit and i'm smoking that and it was like one because a couple of natalie's mates and uh and their boyfriends were there and then one of the lads come and like had a bit of a talk with us but i got like full-on high and when i was chatting to them, it was that level of, you know, we've done it on the podcast a few times where you just fucking forget what you're saying

while you're talking. And the way I got out of it is I just leaned into what I was saying and kept talking. And I was like, eventually you'll figure out what you're saying. Oh no, that's the worst. Oh mate.

No, no. Because what happens is, what happens is, I'd never met these guys. These were new people in my house and now they're old people who you'll never see again class

class I'm not even bothered I'm fucking they got the best of us did they I owe them a you're welcome you know me I

I'm not going to overthink that shit what a waste of me time no but I do think there's the bit where because I hate losing my train of thought when I'm sober, let alone when I'm fucking high. So I do try and work out like why I consistently do it. And obviously it's the drug abuse.

But in other aspects, what it is, is you're telling a story and what you do is your brain goes, here's an important bit of information and you decide to add that bit on. But then you realise that needs context and then you start explaining that and then you've just forgotten what the story is and even if you were to go back two stories that was just two additional points ago and you're like what am i and what you really just need what

when you're stoned is just if you're going to tell someone a story right you go you get a notepad right and you go that time kai shot himself and you go can you just hold this on your forehead please aye I'll get back to that always return to that so da da da da da fuck what was this oh right so he's running down the street and every time you look back

at them but oh mate I've realised as well when I'm talking because these are just like it's Pippa's husband Gary who I've met a couple of times

the last Gary it was at his wedding the last Gary right and Steph's new boyfriend Aaron who her last husband was called Darren

and now it's Aaron try not fucking make that mistake right what a minefield the next one's gonna be called Ron Ron and then the next

the N word so these guys they're from they're from London They work Like the nine to five

Us They're regular people We'll probably put them In Muggle Corner A couple of times Yeah Right The older I get

I'll let you Do the story I Realised Every moment Of my 30s I'm going to be In the corner

Ah mate Yeah I went back Through Muggle Corner because I've been doing Rewind Wednesdays obviously when we started touring again

I didn't have the time to sit down and do like listening back to shit and editing it because we're fucking on the move and we're unpacking all the time right

I'll reignite it now that I'm back in the house but I listened back to Muggle Corner and I realised that like I was talking to me like I was I feel like

we were far cooler then we've really become dads on these people aye our night aye aye we used to be

way more cathartic I think to listen to but oh god have we become the thing we hated is that

aye aye but at least like let's do it with some dignity and some self-awareness I don't think we've done it with any dignity admit some self-awareness I don't think we've done it with any dignity admit to a hypocrisy

aye so I think we did it well enough in the fact that we were very open and we were like look muggles aren't bad people so we kind of saved ourselves that much

aye but we did also like were pretty vehement towards them aye we were so angry so I'm chatting to these lads right and I realise

how much every one of my stories sounds like bullshit. Aye. What, you're the spin doctor? King of spin. Your stories sound like bullshit. This is news to everyone. I hate this spin. I hate this particular spin.

It's not spin at all. I can tell you, every time I do this bit. I hate this particular spin. It's not a spin at all. I can tell you, every time I do this bit, back at home, Matty's heart heals just a little bit, right? Goes back together slowly and surely every time I point at your fucking spin. Matty's poor, poor damaged heart. Matty's poor ticker. Your friends?

So I realised, like, when I, because it was, I think, Steph asked us about the charity gig that I'd done because it was Stephen Fry on and stuff. Oh, aye. And then I started telling the story about rolling Johnny Vegas up in a rug. Aye. And just in the middle of telling stories, you're just like,

this fucking sounds like nonsense. Aye, everybody would think that. And when we're talking about David Schwimmer being at the New York gig. Aye. Like, it just sounds like nonsense. Aye. I mean, we do make it all up. None of it's true

brilliant work of fiction I was on a I love my family very well oh this is what I'll fucking tell you so

you remember how you and my gran have a thing going on because me and Jenny you sent her you sent her a book because you thought she ordered it herself and it turns out she unordered it, right?

I wrote a nice little message and then she messaged me on Facebook. I can't mind if I've replied or not, I might have ghosted her. Well, that's my... It's because... Oh, Jesus. He's nowhere near him. It's become a big thing in my

family because my aunt listens to the podcast but not my auntie Kim who we were like it's definitely my auntie Kim

turns out it was my auntie Sandra that did that so we were on the podcast fucking roasting Kim being like that's obviously Kim Sandra's at home being like oh my god it's not it was actually me

ha ha so we're doing a family Zoom call the other day just because my grandma wasn't able to get anywhere for christmas because of covid and she can't take the risk and and uh everything and obviously the the topic of the the the impending baby comes up and they're like have you have you thought of names and i'm like we have we've thought of a couple names we've got a list of things that we, we, we quite like his as names and like, can we hear them?

I'm like, sure. And I go, so three out of our four grandparents, so that's me and Kara's combined grandparents names were William. So we're like, boom, that's the middle name sorted.

Right. My granddad, both my grandparents are called William in some way or another. One of ours, I'm like, and we all love our grandparents. Each of them class. So William straight in lockdown

say that Kim Gisford and you wouldn't be keen on it as a first name no mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm

no a little bit too a little bit too royal yeah a little bit too monarch yes aye and also

Willie kids it's gonna be a kid yeah aye and it's and Willie is a penis and it's just a bit dangerous so middle name's fine it's sort be a kid yeah i and it's and willie is a penis and it's just a bit dangerous

uh so middle name is fine it's sort of hidden in there one of the names uh that we we liked uh was was noah um and i was having not debates with cara but she said noah and i initially said no and she was like why no and i was like i just don't want any. I'm just a Noah. Fuck you to hell. I guarantee at least one person laughed. Ah, you listening back to this. In four years time when you're doing the replay episodes. At me if you laughed. So I'm like, I don't really like the name Noah.

She's like, why not? I'm like, I don't like like the name Noah. She's like, why not? I'm like, I don't like any sort of biblical names. And she went, Matthew and Daniel. And I was like, oh yeah, all right, fair enough. But you know what I mean? Like, like Noah's an actual story. And she was like, Daniel and the lions. I'm like, could you stop winning this argument, please?

Like, you're making it really fucking hard to die on this hill. I meant Noah, Jesus and Moses. I don't like star players aye come on yeah not the fucking bench but I eventually came round to it

because I think that was a very nice name but then you found out that you're a basic bitch and it's the most common name in Scotland that was one of the factors

it's not even one of the most common names in Scotland it's like one of the most popular baby names in the world but my mum said as well she was like just to let you know the year that I was born Jack was born and Matthew were born they were the most popular names of the most popular baby names in the world. But my mum said as well, she was like, just to let you know, the year that I was born,

Jack was born, and Matthew were born, they were the most popular names of the year then as well. Well, Jack and Matthew in that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not intentionally, but... You know what?

Noah doesn't feel that common, so there must be loads of baby Noahs that we haven't met yet as people. It's like that. It's only in like 15 years are we going to go, fucking hell, there's a lot of Noahs around.

So my mum's like, it didn't affect any of yous. Nobody gives a shit. Like, you'll be fucking fine. Name it Noah. And I'm like fucking hell, there's a lot of no's around. So my mum's like, it didn't affect any of you. Nobody gives a shit. Like, you'll be fucking fine. Name it Noah. And I'm like, okay, that's a good point. You're sort of keeping me on Noah here. Let's say you're a bully, right?

Go back to your childhood years and there's a... Noah Willie. Noah Willie. Is that what you're not calling your kid Noah Willie? Noah Willie Sloss. Noah Willie Sloss. You can't call him No Willy Sloss That's what you name

Your daughter You can't And I really I really like the name Noah And I can't not Give my son The middle name

William Because I love My grandad I can't I have No Willy Sloss Billy Noah mate

I just see you still haven't got a name time's ticking just call the kid Kai one day I'll not be around

and it'll be really sentimental the problem is I said I said after fucking Chelsea won the Champions League

because like anybody's gonna fall for that I meant to play at the German Cup I said after fucking Chelsea won the Champions League. Anybody's got to file for that. I meant the player, the German player. He had a flop of a season. He scored a hat-rick in the Carabao Cup and then in the Champions League final done nothing in between or since.

I named him after him. It doesn't matter if he's done anything before or since. The fact is, he won the fucking Champions League and I put a post on Instagram before we knew Cara was pregnant she was definitely pregnant at the time

we just didn't know she was pregnant and I was like such a shame that I have to call my first child Cai and then three weeks

later I found out that Cara was pregnant so can you recount the variation of the name Cai Cai no

Cai huh Cai-an Cai-an that's what I one of my friends used to call me Cai-an at school now I think back I's what I one of my friends used to call me Kyan at school

now I think back I don't think they were my friends Kyan it was a son listens to the podcast it was Tracy

who you met down in Guildford because the nicknames I obviously got bullied with at school and when I say bullied I didn't get bullied

that too much like I think look I'll be honest I got bullied a bit but I also in red slip check probably did my fair bit of bullying as well because it was my only form of defense and I'm not necessarily proud of some of the things I called other people they were funny but you know kids are cruel and I was one of those cruel kids uh my mum grew up with the nickname because her name was Leslie Roger, Lesbian Rogerer. Did she get that at school?

All the time. Did she manage to get out of school before anyone realised that? Lesbian Rogerer. Because I got out of school before

someone realised my name sounds like dry hump cheese. Oh man, just on the last day of school, you all throw your hats up in the air.

I pretend you went to American school. You go up, you collect your diploma I've got a skull You go up, you collect your diploma Ross Noble's mum is like And now collecting his diploma Dry Dry

Dry Drum cheese Oh, I've got that up And then just like all the kids There's murmuring as it spreads around the school Oh my god Dry Dry ham cheese All the the school oh my god dry dry ham cheese

all the opportunities lost oh my god get him get him get him and he's just running down the

street bye it was a it was a girl called Laura May East who told us that

me name was you mean Laura Gay Beast you're a gay beast she told us that I was like well your son's a you're a gay beast

oh god I only got stuff like whoa slush puppy um alright don't do it

add your fucking spit take as if that's fucking groundbreaking no no that was like a pet name

your bullies give you like a sugar plum name slush puppy no because it was well I'd probably regret it honey bunny that was what name slosh puppy no because it was well i've been probably regretting that was what you got bullied with no because it meant i was cold and sweet

my mum had the worst ones hers was always uh hugh sloss useless who hugh useless why did your mum get that hugh no no if you my mum's mum She's like things you can never call your son If you've got the second name Hugh Hugh Sloss Hugh Sless Sounds like useless You can never call your kid Dental

Candy Dental Sloss Why what That common name Dental Well Daniel's very close to it It is actually Yeah

Candy Sloss If I had a little stripper So I No I Did I get bullied with it Yours was just Bong I Kai Bong I Kai I

Yeah Why Kai the new Huh Why Kai the new My name got lengthened To Kai Bosch Oh Kai the new Aye

Oh Kai But that was That was less That was more like The parents would call us that Oh Kai The parents of bullies Still joining in

Aye No it was more like My dad My my grandad And all that Okay the new Aye Tarkai the otter Eh?

There's an otter Called Tarkai or something Tark I think it's Tarka Tarka the otter Where's he from? It's just a local thing It's like they keel there

Or something Aye I don't know if like There's some like story Like you know Kes Kes the story With the

The kestrel I mean the clue's in the name Falcon hawk It was one of them birds Anyway it was called Kes Kes the story with the the Kestrel I mean the clue's in the name Falcon Hawk it was one of them birds anyway it was called Kes Kes the Phoenix you remember the story

childhood favourite oh if you know no I do I don't think I read it but I do remember seeing a book cover Tarka the Otter but Tarr

in Geordie is thank you Tarr so like if if any like if I bring someone a cup of tea Tarkai

the otter got you okay and Oh, okay. So, like, if I bring someone a cup of tea, tar, Kai. Oh. The otter. Got you, okay. Lengthened to Kai Bosch, and then shortened to Bosch. Natalie Gittany? Fatly of you.

Fatly of me, aye. Where she didn't know who you were, and you can't do that. Aye. Which is fair enough. And also... Because you called it the Fatly and Kai Plumfries. Yeah, yeah. And also, it was just... It wasn't because I called it the fat late in Kai Plumfries yeah yeah and also it was just

it wasn't because I thought she was fat I will look the joke doesn't have to make sense it just has to scan and that's why I'll make like I do have to explain

to people like I don't mean 95% of the mean things I say the reason I say them is because the joke scans and I'm just going to get it out because it scans

I know the joke doesn't work I know if you were to analyse it you know it doesn't get through but it doesn't matter it's not for analysis it's in that brief moment where the joke works it's like a firework i don't care about the fucking thing falling down or how many birds it kills or how many dogs are crying under tables in that brief moment it's magical it works let's not overanalyse it. Well, because of that joke, I managed to get the correct size of wedding ring from the ripple effect because... The ripple effect of her jumping in a pool fight, can't it?

Sorry, Natalie. I'm sorry, I don't mean... You see? You see, just in the moment, I don't mean that. I saw she... We sent you a picture of us giving you the middle finger and what we did in Australia

when she was 4000 miles away is showed the jeweler the picture and he took a measurement of my finger in the picture a measurement of her finger in the picture and expanded the ratio so that you could get a measurement of me and then ratio it down to her finger mad

and I saw you calling her a fat cunt to help us marry her. See? Just because you're not in a conference. You're welcome, Ali. You're very, very welcome. Lang's not really a... Oh, Wang.

So funny because it's... Leng is how she pronounces it, right? And I've mentioned her called Leng on stage before and somebody shouted back Lang. I think it is Leng because the I's in there. Ah and somebody shouted back lang i think it is laying because the eyes in there uh-huh somebody shouted back lang and i was like it's laying l-e-i-a-g laying and they're like that's lang and like it was in glasgow stand right and i went she's from the men's and they're like oh right okay she's posh so it's like almost as if she's like saying bath or raspberry

aye it's like hey you ever seen that fucking child's kid's shop that's called Smith's but it's spelt with a Y Smith's not for you that

nah would you pronounce it Smith's or Smith's it's Smith right it's Smith and I'm angry at you

right it's not right it's like one of those ones where you've just you've just

done that fucking thing it's Cassandra with a K no it's not your parents were just fucking

they were so desperate To be unique They just changed The spelling of a name That's all that happened Aye Ah Smythe

It's Smith It's Smith And just Just go Just You've embarrassed yourself And your family's embarrassed themselves For generation to generation

Go to the deed poll office And just change it to Smith And none of us Will mention it again You just spelled it wrong That's why people make mistakes Smythe isn't a name And if it was a name It's a Tory name So off you Go on Get it changed and just change it to Smith and none of us will mention it again. You just spelt it wrong for us. That's why people make mistakes. Smyth isn't a name and if it was a name

it's a Tory name. So off you go on. Get it changed. Go on now. Stop being silly. Go on. What about like with Humphreys like you've got IAS

like it's a plural Humphreys but then there's the Humphreys with an AYS. Like that that stemmed from the same name didn't it? Somebody just got it wrong

and kept it wrong. Yeah. For like a whole generation. Yeah, and then now it's, yeah. The etymology of stuff like that, like the Smiths and Smiths. Yeah. It's just somebody fluffing it. And I guess I don't mind second names so much because I'm like, you know, that's...

They've been passed on for a long time. A long time. Fair play. But man, ain't he the fucking... This new generation of... Is Zach with a K. Oh, is it short for Zachary? No?

Yes. It is. It is. You don't get... Eli, what's it short for? Nothing. No, it's short for Elijah. You don't get to change the fucking rules!

You wouldn't put a formal email with totes in it. Oh, just... Emosh. It's that, isn't it? You've just done like a totemosh with a name. I. Is what you've done. It's just, look, your kid's nickname can be anything.

Your nickname can be anything you want it to be, right? But there are names that are, and by the way, this is a stance that is absolutely ridiculous. Like the more I have this in public and with people, they're just like, but you know, like the names are just noises that we make to make each other. Like none of it matters.

I'm like, yeah, of course. Like if you were to look at it that logically, of course I sound insane, but it's, I'm, I'm,

I'm dead passionate on this point. It's got to be, names should be spelled fucking correctly. I was listening to a stuff you should know podcast on the way here. It was the one about horoscopes. And was the stuff you should know that they're bollocks and everyone who believes in them should be shot dead because they're stupid

and they're causing the dumbing down of the entire fucking planet. It's pretty much the podcast. Good, good. It's really good but they did say that they want to do a podcast

on the idea that your name can shape you because like the vibration and the sound and like how that like obviously they'll get into the debunking of it

but apparently that's a line of inquiry Is that your name can shape you Because of How that sound makes you feel Yeah, if you grow up being called King James As opposed to Gimp Lord I imagine you're going to have very different fucking childhoods

And different, like It might affect your confidence as you grow up through life All you need to do is look at Tom Hanks' children. Chet Hanks wears a backwired hat and has full sleeves. And Colin Hanks wears a suit and carries a briefcase. They just filled their names. They leaned into their names completely. Yeah, I figure if you...

So you made it, even with that in mind, just the social around it. You might want to bear that in mind when you're naming a kid. Like if you reckon I'm going to call my kid Tarquin, there's just no way he's not growing up a Tory. Well, that's why you're avoiding Tory names because you're worried that they're also going to come from money

and you're going to have this like second generation Tom Horton. Aye. Because that is something that like I guessed, I guess white people never have to take into oh not never but very rarely have to take into consideration is how is this name going to affect my child's you know like career chances in the future because i know many of my friends uh non-white friends their parents were like your name is your name is Chris it's Stephen it's Rebecca

you know your actual name your Turkish name is you know Kan oh Kan all my friends but we're going to give you the name

Troy because if you have the name Kan Edige you're never going to be given a fucking job in your life in the UK there was a bit of that when Natalie and Alexander

were named Natalie's mum and dad were like let's give them British names. Aye. Rather than Omani names because on an application form for a job, they're going to at least get looked at.

Aye. That was like 80s thinking. It probably still is alive now to an extent, but less than it was then when I made that decision. Having never applied for a job in my, well, since I was 16 years old, I'm pretty sure,

based on nothing other than my gut feeling and hope that nowadays like it's less of that like i don't think or at least out of the way i feel the way the world should be is like your gender is not there your name isn't there yeah like yeah it should it should just be what are your actual fucking qualifications and also when you're interviewing them you should have to interview them like with your eyes closed and your ears blocked so you can't hear what they sound like or see if they're a man or a woman and then you just throw a dart at not a picture just one of them and whichever one it hits hire them the the girls are talking there i was very high and i can't really remember my own stuff that i

was saying but i heard the girls talking about when because like a lot of them are like in transitional periods and changing jobs and stuff not Natalie included, when they're looking at jobs, sometimes the salary isn't on there, it doesn't open with it. And then they start discussing the salary kind of after the fact. And they still think that this is a way that they can discriminate women

without discriminating women. If they put the figure on and then people went for it, then that's across the board, that's what the figure is. But they feel like they're getting fed a different figure than a man might get because they might end up going and having children or they might, like...

Aye. So they feel... Like, women still feel, like, they're not safe from... Eugene, when she was applying for... When she was getting a new job, when she was being high-head-hunted by another job, one of the many many moments I've been very proud of her

as a person was all the women at her work the ones that were hired and both the ones she was leaving and the ones she was maybe going to

were just like here's how you go in and talk about salary and this is how you do it and just went in there and again I've never asked for a raise in my life

because I don't know who I'd fucking ask it's not it's again it's not something but men are way more likely to ask for a raise in my life because i don't know who i'd fucking ask yeah it's not it's again it's not something yeah but men are way more likely to ask for a raise hi it's just in there and except my fucking dad right my dad is such a fucking shy cunt right right i've done it uh he's he's very very smart right but he's just he doesn't push himself forward for anything

apparently like a couple of years ago his boss walked in and was like what are all these patents under the company name but i was like oh sometimes when i'm stay late and work i just get bored and i patent things and these are just some of the patents and the guy was like you know you've made the company x amount of money from these and i was like oh cool he's like why have you not asked for a raise and i was like i can get a raise i get paid like this is god i just I was just here to use the computer so I think I think there is also

just a type of person out there because man I I would be fucking mortified that's why I have an agent I would be fucking

mortified asking for a raise I don't think I would have the fucking confidence to do it I don't think man the reason

I could I couldn't ask for fucking gigs especially early on in my fucking career I could do the open spots but

I hear Netflix can I hi Dino Sloss here probably not heard of me just up and coming comedian

in Scotland just wondering if oh god this is awkward do you want to have my Netflix specials sorry I shouldn't call them Netflix specials.

They're just specials at this point. No, no, for no money. It's fine. I'll pay you. I've been dead proud of Natalie because she's been looking for other work and trying to figure out what she wants to do. I've seen her do two job interviews now

where she's finished the job interview and then failed them. Oh, yeah. She just went, here's where you failed. Aye, here's where you're shite. Here's where you didn't get us. Aye, here's where you're shite, and that's why I'm not going to work for you. You shouldn't have asked me that.

You shouldn't have asked me that, and that was sexist. Bye. You made us put a shirt on for a Zoom interview. You made us go away and put a shirt on You're like, is this going to affect my productivity And my quality Whether you can or cannot see what type Do I have to stub this fag out, is that what you're saying

For this interview You want us to stop breastfeeding this dog Fine, I'll put a fucking tie on But just so you know I am done with this fucking job Yeah Shove it up your arse You can't not employ me

I quit Aye so She's getting into coding now Aye Aye she's starting a code academy She's gonna be like Izzy Morales Code academy sounds way cooler Than it definitely is

Like so much so that I don't think You're allowed to call it code academy Code academy sounds way cooler than it definitely is. Like so much so that I don't think you're allowed to call it Code Academy. Code Academy sounds like in 10 years time when they're trying to make more money out of the Matrix and they just decide to put it in and they try to get kids involved. They're like, okay, Keanu Reeves' son, Brian Reeves, who gives a shit what his name is, in the new season, Code Academy. What, so you're not going to buy piggy coin then you're not going to buy it is that what you're saying you're not going to buy it because dogecoin was taken you say

uh peggy coin much like it's it's it's not a real dogecoin it's not it's just it's a it's a cheap fucking ripoff have you listened to that fucking behind the bastards one on cryptocurrency and NFTs yes I listened to the first episode

because I didn't know what NFTs were and you were talking about and this is like digital art that can't be replicated so it's got like a specific code signature

well it can it can be it's a scam well you just copy and pasted it you just drag it into a folder. I'm not sure. I don't know what I'm talking about. I've never got into cryptocurrency.

I've never gone into it because it is... Screen capture it? It's just... Well, cryptocurrency is just gambling. But I know people that are into it, people that I respect, and they like it. But my dad's always been like,

it's all fucking... It's stupid and it's... So that's why my stance was, I'll not get into this. But it's all fucking it's stupid and it's so that's why my stance was i'll not get into this but it's i do think cryptocurrency is astrology for men i do right it's that right i'll go this one won't be this with that and you're like oh you're all stupid and you're all involved but fine makes you happy i'll not ruin it the second i fucking saw jake paul because i follow jake paul or at least when i was on i fucking saw jake paul because i follow jake paul or at least when i was on instagram i followed jake paul on instagram because i like hate fuels me

and it's important to to remind yourself that there are people in the world that you have to it's like following trump on twitter yeah you know no it's very important to find people that you hate in life so that living is worth it to just know the fact that man i might get to live to see jake paul die and that will be a great day for me right and it might not be for other people probably won't be for his family and friends people are fucking like but i can tell you objectively on that day i'm gonna go you won't find forgiveness in your heart when he dies no no what what to what age why would i harbor it for so many years and then just waste it? What the fuck? Gross!

That'd be like saving whiskey for 40 years and then going, ah, gluck, gluck, gluck, gluck, gluck, down the drain. No! I was doing that when the fireworks were on the telly because we were just having my New Year and having a drink and seeing chairs and I look over and the fireworks on the telly and I was like, just pretended it wasn't New Year and I was like oh stasher died again she said yes and stuttered though yeah just hey hey it's flown by i said oh life has been so good since she's died the second i saw jake paul posted about nfts i was like oh it's a scam

The second I saw Jake Paul posted about NFTs, I was like, oh, it's a scam. Like the second, I was like, I know all that you are. And there's just certain people when they get behind things, you go, oh, okay. You do that for money, not belief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I, oh, and it's, anyway.

If you never listened to Behind the Bastards podcast, it's one that I consistently fucking recommend on this. And if you- I listened to the Bezos one as well. First one of that. If like me, you didn't know any, if you don know anything about cryptocurrency or nfts and it doesn't make fucking sense to you there's two really good podcasts on it and it will give you enough of a knowledge that when your friends are talking about it in a bar while drunk you can uh roll your eyes in a way that makes sense. And it's just good for that.

I find it funny after listening to the stuff you should know about horoscopes that they, because you know when you say the horoscopes have changed now, they're not what they were when they got set. I didn't know what that was. So the sign that you're born in is the constellation that's behind the sun. Like as you're looking at the sun at the other side of the sun, that's where that sign is.

But because the Earth's on like, it kind of wobbles on its axis they've shifted over the air so if you're a cancer yeah like chances are now you're a gemini right because when like that year when that actually explains why when i was a kid like i was actually like just so cool and chill but now that i'm an adult right when that changed that explains why i've got like two personalities now because like in the morning I'm a different person than I am in the evening. And that only really happened when I was 16, which, according to the math and science,

which astrology is based on, I'll have you know, it does make sense for my personality. Kill yourself. So anybody that's getting confirmation bias off the cancer star sign, right, you go, one, you're looking at the wrong one, because in 83, when you were born, that was actually Gem looking at the wrong one because in 83 when you were born, that was actually Gemini,

that was behind the sun, so you were born in Gemini. Then you would look at Gemini and do exactly what you've done there and put the confirmation bias to it, which is just like, it's almost they're proven to themselves that it's bullshit

by getting behind the wrong star sign every fucking time. Everybody that's into star signs backs the wrong star sign and gives it confirmation bias, proving that they're nothing like the star sign they're meant to be. Aye, aye, and then I can't. I mean, I know this is...

I do understand because, like, I think... I don't know if it was Natalie that said it or whether it was just a tweet, but somebody was just putting out, like, men make fun of women for being into star signs when we're into so much other boring dumb shit. And it's like, man, if it's just something you're into because you like it fucking fair enough but some of you fucking cunts legitimately and wholeheartedly believe it and that's what fills me with rage it's the same rage i feel towards anyone that genuinely believes in god

that was natalie with the horoscopes because we had gavin alley around and they were like talking natalie's language horoscopes right but when the left she was like i don't really believe it it's like for her that was like she enjoys watching the wrestling and then two people come around and talk about it like it's cage fighting i just i just think like like the attitude you know was really good that's not that's not I know it's not real I know it's not real I just I just think like like the attitude here

was really good Stokehold C. Vossen face off against the Rock the Rock defined me childhood oh create your chair it's my job

we're gonna get into Gloomhaven again I'm dead excited I'm fucking excited about this game now. I love it so much. There's a digital version, which we're going to stay away from with this group because we'll all live close enough to play it on the board

and we'll keep the romance of it and play it on the board, but we need to get a game going with Elliot and Tom. Remember we had Dungeons & Dragons over Zoom? I think we need to take Gloomhaven online so we can play it more. Aye, but yeah. Or do it with Frosthaven. Because if it's the same scenarios...

Spoilers. There's got to be spoilers in the game. Okay, so like a second playthrough. Aye. Or maybe once we're like fucking 30 into this campaign then we can like delay it then

it's like when I was doing multiple D&D sessions I would do one group for like 10 sessions as the DM and then start another group

and it's like right because you can now go a different way you can do it in a different enough way there's enough separation aye aye so just to

everybody listening if you heard we're talking about Gloomhaven in the last couple episodes and you want to play it but like you just can't figure it out with your busy life

you can play it digitally now and if you don't have any friends which we know you don't you can play it solo

you can you can play it solo you can have a wee fucking solo masturbation sesh and I'm going to do a computer

game recommendation while we're here Hades Gareth's been speaking about this for ages I heard it off I heard it first off. Hades. Gareth's been speaking about this for ages. I heard it off, I heard it first off Rooney

and then Gareth mentioned it. Wayne Rooney, he thought I was Kai Rooney. He got us in for Christmas dead on one. Man, so good. And you would just sound a bit like,

what are you, another Switch? So, I, Hades, is fucking remarkable. I am a platinum God of War 4. I? switch so I hate this it's fucking remarkable I am a platinum

god of war 4 I platinum that's a big achievement you don't want to turn

38 and not still get fucking hard over platinum in games what was that we were

just saying about how men there's an equivalent for astrology for men some stupid

belief system that ultimately doesn't matter but fills somebody with when you get platinum on a playstation game here we go I've only gotten it twice

right horizon zero dawn superb game right the new one comes out soon so fucking get in that god of war

right it's the only two that I've platinum have you ever platinumed a game yes have you seen how underwhelming it is yes oh it's the worst I that I've platinumed. Have you ever platinumed a game? Yes. Have you seen how underwhelming it is? Yes.

Oh, it's the worst. I think I've only platinumed one game and that's why I stopped. Ah. It's because... No party pop. For anyone that doesn't know, platinum just means

when you buy a game on Xbox or PlayStation or PC or whatever it is, there's a bunch of achievements you can do. So even when you complete the game, technically you've only completed 55% of the game. You've done the campaign. You've completed the story. Yeah, but you've not completed 55% of the game. You've done the campaign. You've completed the story. Yeah, but you've not done it

on the hardest difficulty. You've not killed four men with one bullet. You've not had a grenade go round a corner and destroy a plane. You haven't shot all of the hidden ravens that are dotted around the map.

You haven't killed all the Valkyries. Yeah, so platinum, much like being a platinum gay, means you've got all the achievements and you've never touched a vagina. much like being a platinum gay means you've got all the achievements and you've never touched a vagina. So when you platinum a game,

it means you put so much effort into it, you couldn't even describe what a vagina looked like because it's been so long. You couldn't draw it from memory. After a guy platinumed the game, he got into bed and Natalie tried to touch his clock And he had no idea What was going on

I was like who are you What is that God of War Was a specifically hard one Because Beating all the Valkyries Is like That's 11 bosses

To make one final boss That takes all day Does he kiss his son on the lips In God of War Atreus Boy Give me his son on the lips in God of War Atreus boy give me a kiss on the lips

boy people may at home be like fucking what a pedo this is he's a sick man he is he's just go and cut that cutscene back again just so I can see

what a fucking pedo this guy is while he kisses his son on the lips in a fucking nonce oh yeah right here boy so like I complete the story mode so you get the cutscene you get the bit where like Thor makes an appearance oh yeah right here boy so like I complete the story mode

so you get the cut scene you get the bit where like Thor makes an appearance who's not in the thing but he's going to be in Ragnarok the next one so you get all the fanfare from doing the story mode

and then on the extra I've been dating for months just going back and chipping away at it playing all the games in between right and then I fucking

it was the Ravens I was at 97% I needed to get the Ravens right I found the last Raven I shot the last Raven and then it just flashed up in the top corner of the screen father and son achievement

that's what they called it on that one platinum and it fades away from the screen and you're just left stood there feathers everywhere

what they should do is just turn your television off and just show you your own reflection and you're like oh no it's like the guilt after a wank. It's like you're stood there

with a fucking messy hanky in your hand and you're still hard but not horny. You need to wash your hands before you shake hands with a sound tick at the kick. I don't think I can tell anyone about what I just did. It felt good at the time but I don't think I can ever boast about this.

I did boast about it. I whacked through the snare hands of me, in my hoodie pocket, kicking and I just plaited him and got a wall. And Natalie knew how much she meant to do it and feigned excitement for us and gave us a hug. That's a good wife. She was like, oh, baby.

Daniel, I'm telling you right now it meant a lot I'd put a lot of hard work in and it was a very it was a very lonely effort and you've got the fight after this after she bless her face all this excitement for your achievement you've got the fucking gall to be like I'm'm going to listen to a podcast about how this bitch's hobby's bullshit. And then I'm going to go to my podcast and I'm going to fucking slam the thick out. Justify mine. So, aye.

I recommend Hades. I've just done that We talked about Spirit Bridge last one I'll come on Because we've got leisure time now We can come on with recommendations For what we've been doing in Malaysia We do have two shows this month

Just Cambridge and Aberdeen There's been some confusion on the website About when the Aberdeen date is Because on my website it says one date And on my schedule it says another So allow me to just go into my messages from Marlena. So it's on Thursday the 27th of January, if you're coming to the Aberdeen gig.

It's Thursday the 27th on the website. It was down as Friday the 28th, but it's not. Which one is it? Aberdeen. No, which date? It's the 27th. It's the 27th.

It's the 27th. It's the 27th. It's the 27th. 95% certain on that one. So we're picking up the gigs that have been dropped, Aberdeen and Cambridge. There is still some other ones that are being figured out. Just being rescheduled. And look, to everyone, the reschedules are as annoying and as devastating to us as it is to you.

I know it's not fucking fun for things to be cancelled or to be delayed so much when you bought them so long ago and it's just perpetually and consistently put further away. Also, to the people of Perth, Australia, sorry that was finally cancelled, but there was no way I was getting over to Australia. With a newborn. With a newborn.

There's just not a chance. Not with the rules of getting over there and coming back. It's just not possible. So I promise I'll be back to Perth on the next tour. I will be back to stand up in no time. There'll be shit happening.

Just not in January. We're going to be playing a lot of PlayStation and watching a lot of films. And playing a lot of Gloomhaven. Let's go back to Cullum. Let's go back to Cullum.