Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Reverse Cowbearpig

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

After an entire month being pure sluts and pairing up with anyone who will have them, muggins and cream are finally back in the same seats, reconvening to catch up on Kai's recent trip to Wembley and his first taste of glory as a football fan. He might actually still be drunk. Meanwhile Daniel has a huge win in his passion in life, fantasy teddy bears.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or magic boot cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Well, what a fucking weekend I've had. No, but let's start with me. Yeah, go on then. Get that out of the way. Right, you done? Yeah. Fucking two and won the cup. Oh, did they? Nobody saw that coming.

I was travelling through to London and well, also ran. Yeah. I, for the first 20 minutes of the game, I was watching with Colin and my boy and I was like, I've got a feeling New Newcastle are gonna win this just because Liverpool I felt like they were let away with fucking heaps of Challenges in the first 20 minutes like felt felt like they were put they were doing like some real brutal tackles And the referee was like what am I gonna give out yellow card? Who we were? No, they were.

Liverpool were. So I thought you were gonna be fucked over. Oh right and usually if the referee's lenient we look at that and go oh we're allowed to do that and then just fucking match it so usually we're at rate when the ref's letting tackles ride. I get confident like I'm happy with the ref going with that. This is a football podcast by the way just heads up. It's like the first time is really when you go to a house party or a party at someone's house right you're in your thirties you're like i don't know what type of party this is like is a Hawaiian and cheese party is it like i'm gonna stay till 3am is or is it do we all need to be gone by nine what's the deal and then you see and then you see two people come out the bathroom and you're like aye this is the kind of party i'm gonna who's dick one sucked

that is what you're doing right right you guys, you guys were sucking just dicks. That's what you were doing there, right? Drugs? I'm out of here. That can't. I don't know where to start with this. This is so much to unpack. Can I start with the fact that what's the opposite of meeting your hero? Meeting your villain? Oh yeah, I was going to bring this up with you.

I met my villain. And you took a photo with him. Oh, I'd done very much the, when Dave Longley met Roy Chubby Brown. Right. I just took that approach because I thought it would be so funny to throw into the group. Yeah. But like, I don't even know what to do with this photo because it's a little bit like, you know how like a fucking politician will be like photographed with like Epstein or something.

Yeah. And like one day it'll just come back and go, no, look at the company he keeps. When actually like I literally just ironically went and got a photo with him because I thought it would be hilarious to pop in the group I hate the man with a seething passion and if I hadn't just watched me team win the cup I would have been kind of tempted to go and swing for him. Even though he's a pretty hard lad like but I reckon I could take him. I reckon I could take him if I got first punch and I definitely would have.

Yeah because he wasn't enough, as far he was concerned. He wasn't in a fight Yeah, he's just enjoying the game. I Went I went I went over my study. You know, who is yeah, I guess PS Morgan Nigel Farage really worse. Mm-hmm still worse I could say Tommy Robinson that would be worse, but it's one of these boys. It's fucking Tommy Robinson light It's the same narrative. Yeah that he's fucking running with like in shit. So, you know this podcast We did name on this podcast is Stephen Yaxley. There is no man called Tommy Robinson fucking

Nipple baby fucking Nebo baby posing as council. Like fucking out of his million pound house, fucking dad's like, oh, my dad's a plumber. You mean your dad's got a fucking plumbing business and he's rich as fuck. What about fucking Mario? Because that has a massive house. So it's almost as bad as my photo with Conor McGregor. It's every day, every day that photo gets worse.

And two days ago, that folk got way worse. He was like, do you see the video? No, I don't know. I've done nothing but absorb the football. Conor McGregor was at the White House doing a speech being like Ireland's fucked because there's too many blacks in it. Wow. Yeah. Not exactly. I'm, you know, paraphrasing, but also, and even though what I said sounded harsh, his is harsher. Aye, and he means it. Yeah. Aye, so it was Joey Barton who was coming out of the stadium chanting and then Cam was like,

that's fucking Joey Barton. And your problem with him was that he left Newcastle. You love his opinions. You think his opinion on female commentary is a swan. Can you remember in the airport where I had to delete X because for my own well-being I because I was so angry at all of his output it was so fucking infuriating everything he was saying that like I was spending so much of me life angry because of Joey Barton and I had to delete it because I was like if I didn't log on I wouldn't have seen his opinion and I wouldn't be angry so I had to delete it just to fucking try, if I didn't log on, I wouldn't have seen his opinion and I wouldn't be angry.

So I had to delete it just to fucking try. I was like, fucking yeah, sometimes when you're on the road and you're drinking and you're hungover, like fucking the slightest thing can give you a wobble. I literally had to delete social media because of the cunt. And then I fucking, then this two-faced, hey, Joey, fancy a photo and all that. He actually cured my mental health.

I came off of Twitter, started going to the gym more. Actually really improved my life. I still fucking hate you but I am better shape. Yeah, yeah, actually well... And because I'm in better shape, I'm going to churn you. Come here. He was the trigger that was fucking looking after me, so. I fucking... How old is he? But then two seconds later, I turned the corner and fucking bumped into Jill Scott.

And genuinely, happily, we got a photo of her. Even though she's a Markham and she was totally good at the result. Is she a Macam? Aye. So, also after the game we're in the concourse bit of the like the area. You're the same age as Joey Barton, how old are you? 41? 41 yeah. Oh he's 42. Ah this is just just older than me. Yeah. So I'm in there after the game having a paint in the concourse at Wembley and Khan immediately recognizes these two hot women as the wives of Sandra T'Nali and Bruno Gemmresh. Good, I'm glad there was a second man's name there. Recognize them as the wives of Muhammad Sala. Speaking of, I'll get to that in a minute. So they were getting a bit of attention off people wanting

photos and stuff right and eventually when the gab had a bit of a crowd they got on FaceTime to Bruno and he picked up and me and Khan were in the back chanting to Bruno in FaceTime while he was in the dressing room and you know like as a pure football fan fan girl like I was in the dressing room with him Daniel after they'd won the cup the captain the captain you could see us in the background of his wife's FaceTime Mmm. Mmm. And you quickly hung up. Yeah, yeah. I wonder why. Who's these mugs? What's your bird-wringing us for?

Trying to fucking... I'm at work! Have you not seen what just happened? Do you not think I want to be with my friends right now? I know you're in the concourse. That's why you didn't get a VIP package. I'll see you at home. I am in the concourse with loads of Geordie men and he's like, oh for fuck's sake, damn it.

Speaking of Mo Salah for a bit, so he had to fucking shout you. Ah, he's starving. So this is what- He's fucking starving. I never- He ever went for a run on an empty stomach? Yeah, cause he's a devout Muslim player.

So him, like many other Muslim players, or I assume all Muslim players actually. Brian Mbemho as well. Yeah. And Canty. Yep. All doing Ramadan, so no eating. And then you got like a fucking cup final.

Eating's cheating. Pffft. You was pants funny. Yeah, he was. I mean, good for you. I mean, at that point, you're like fucking Ramadan's class. Yeah, I was like fucking, better not gonna do it. I should just fucking, the son can't do it

and he runs as a grenade bar and scores a hat-rack. But I don't get it wrong though, I'm glad that Mo Salah is as like, I don't like the fact that he plays for Liverpool, but he's an excellent player. I'm not stupid. And I like the fact that how good he is, his like price and how much he's adored has

been like taken into consideration for his faith. Because surely there is the opportunity to look at any player of Muslim faith and being like, that's like hiring a pregnant, a six month old pregnant woman. Which is, I'm going to hire you and then a month. It's an HR nightmare. It's an HR nightmare this. Oh, and he's Egyptian too. So the African combination is going to eat him to my season. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to not book you because you're African.

But. But African and a Muslim. It's going to cause problems with me plans. I even need you to like wake up at the time that you're like to eat on Ramada and I mean stuff your face I mean fill yourself a cobble load carb fully all the way up bro Or I need you to go through the back of their defender in the 89th minute and get that red card Yeah, you don't need the group stages of the African Cup. They're fine. They don't need you then Okay, it's boss water. So speaking of a speaking of

Muslims in Islam, right? So right, just quick timeline of what's just happened, right, my team's just won a cup, unbelievable, ended up in the dressing room with Bruno, kinda. One way or another. That mean villain. Yep. Right, kinda added balance to that by meeting Jill Scott. Yeah, well, who's in the middle? Huh? Who's in the middle?

Well, you know, the opposite ends of the spectrum of what's right and wrong in punditry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she's classed on whatever the fucking podcast is. I think she's great. She's a good footballer and a good pundit. And... English, though, so.

And then, as I'm walking down the street, I get, like, collared by someone with a camera to go on TV You know how like the channels all the different channels are they're just getting like fan reactions and that yeah Saudi television I was brought you'll do anything for your broadcasts of Saudi Arabia This is the best day of my life born on. And I'm married, so don't tell any of my wives. And then I just started going, I hope the energy that's coming out of Newcastle right

now is reaching Saudi Arabia and you can really enjoy what we're feeling at home here. And I hope one day you get to visit Newcastle. You're going to be so welcome in Newcastle when you come here. Not the not the rest of the UK by the way, I'm flying to Newcastle. I just started absolutely connecting with you, I've got a Saudi fan base now basically, obviously, I've got some gigs in Riyadh, do you want to come? What, because you can't bring your wife? Oh babes I'd love you to come. Yeah, yeah, I might lose you.

So just one of them days that just didn't seem real. Like from the beginning then, it didn't even seem real that we had tickets, you know, that feeling that I always get when I go to get a hire car where I don't really believe they're going to give us one and then when I drive out I'm like, woo. I like, muck these cunts off. Well, any time you go out of America and you've got your visa and even though you've got your visa, you get through security and you feel like you've smuggled yourself into the yeah like that kind of feeling of like

Till I'm actually there don't think it's gonna happen. No has that coding I was like, oh look this is gonna happen until yeah until it's on Yeah So there's a couple of moments in your life where you get that and then like I'm fucking cute to get in and the sniffer dogs Everywhere and I've got loads of coke in my pocket So it's a little bit of a like I mean that's on me that if I don't get it. Yeah, what an idiot What an idiot but like like imagine not getting in because you've got coke in your pocket, but imagine getting in and not having coke Sofie's choice

So, uh, this is, Khan was so fucking exhausted. That was like a necessary last minute pick up because he drove through the night. His last already had a night out, like in the bag, but when I got the tickets, I got them very last minute, we'll get onto that later on. So he was in with the kids and when she got in at drove through the night we went straight to the airport so he was straight through the night after putting the kids to bed. Yeah. And I was like, right we'll get you sorted. You're not gonna live this in a daze. Yeah. So I did that for but I was like, I've had plenty of sleep but I'll join in. What people would start to do, friends don't make friends to Coco

Lund. Right. Yeah. It's a problem if he's standing on his own. Where you do the Coco Wembley? Oh just key in the toilet. Which was like where we were was really good tickets it was it wasn't corporate but it was like next thing along from corporate you know like we went in it was called the tap house and you can get in like an hour and a half earlier than everybody else and they've got like you know loads of craft beers and street food. I'll get that in a minute. They've got like a Marks and Spencer's in the stadium and like a clothes shop so you can buy a hoodie if you're cold and like everyone was like reasonably civilized yeah and they're all looking at you being like thank you I did that guy that scum get

which scum is that so the one that just came out the bathroom licking his keys mmm that one I don't know by the way I think the reason I know the reason why has a key in the mouth because he's clearly been starting his mouth because he hasn't started talking it's like put the key in there, turned it. It's like, you can't have a two-in-a-match now, it's like going to my own birthday party as well. Like I'm gonna say like 10% of people at the game want to like say hello and get a photo in time. I thought you were about 10% of people there on cocaine. Nah, probably. That's like, give me a bit more. That's probably a very similar stat. Yeah.

Totally unrelated. Actually the people who know who I am are the exact people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you reckon 10%, right, so I know, sorry to interrupt, but like on a home game for Newcastle St. James Park, 3pm kickoff, estimate right now what percentage of the home fans are on cocaine on average. At a home game?

Yeah. Oh, I think it's less than 10%. Less than 10%? I think it's less than 5. Yeah? Yeah. It's not like okay. It's quite a, I think Newcastle Games quite a family affair. Yeah so that's why I was thinking. Yeah. Like I feel like a Millwall game it's up to 15, 20. Away fans, away fans way more. Yeah? I have percentage wise. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. I think home game, family affair, away game, handful of people have got their children, but those cunts are on coke. I think away game way more percentage wise.

Yeah. Yeah. So, my point is, I'm chatting to a lot of people. A lot of like, people were buying his drinks and stuff and getting photos It was like dead nice and everyone's so nice Like people have been so nice to us when they've like seen us like whoever they've seen us live or seen us on clips or whatever Everyone's been class Did he call the police? Yeah, did you?

I told you about I don't agree with drugs. She can suck my dick and I can suck your dick in the bathroom. Very cool. Anyway, I'm queuing for the toilet and I'm just chatting to people, right? And I come out the toilet, and can goes in, and I'm like, hey, better have a piss now. Just run with the urinals. I queued for the toilet and then not used it. And I still needed to go.

The amount of times where you just give yourself away, go to the toilet, right? You're like, I'm going to do this really fucking sensibly, right? I'm going to, instead of doing off the top of the toilet, right? I'm actually going to sit down and I'm going to do it on my phone.

So if anyone looks under, my feet are facing the right direction. Looks like I'm taking a shit. Cut out my phone, take away fucking snow on it, put it all away, like my phone, right? Stuff in pockets, flush the toilet, right? And then you go, okay, now I'll go out and wash my hands, nobody been done the wiser.

And then you walk out the toilet, you're like, I forgot to piss. I'm desperate for piss. The moment it comes, I'm coming to the toilet, I need to piss. Straight to the urinal. And everyone around you is like, hey man. Yeah, anyway, yep, Yep. I am cool.

No, I have double problems, you see. Very cool middle aged man. Look, I don't have a pension and I'm making sure I can spend my latter years in austerity. You're pissing a lot. You must have a prostate problem. And I can't imagine where you got that from. Me neither, sir.

Who knows? Excuse me, I'm going to queue for the toilet again because I need to blow my nose So all in all everything went swimmingly mm-hmm wonderful day It was like a really last-minute and ticket thing as well because I ran Like we tried to get in with a ballot like well members. We've been to a bunch of the car We're like, can I guess how you got the tickets? Yeah, okay you and can I go out for a night? Oh, right and anyway home walking home. You've missed all the trains Right and you've both lost your trousers for some reason probably a fight

You go pick up some new castle. None of us got trousers on You go pants on you're drunk and then you stop in a corner shop. I've still got my shirts tucked in. Yes. Ties, immaculate. Like every three minutes you stop like, opening them up, you just go, hair fuck. Bleeding down the thighs.

Just like one of them drawings where you fold the paper. Yes, right. The only thing you draw on is the little waistline and the neckline. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or that kid's story where you can change fireman's head, nurse's body, octopus legs. So you stop by the corner shop, you pick up some Newcastle brown ale.

You're really sad because in two days time, it's the Newcastle. You think it's a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but they're bottled rune. Yep. Naked rune. When you, so you's a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but the bottled rune? Yep. When you finish your thing and obviously you both crush the cans off your head because you're new at the dolls. And then when you do that does it go all the way down? Usually bottles are brown so you just smash the bottles. Right, you smash off your head. And then something even though you're used to breaking glass off your head

there was something hard in there and in there is a gold bit of coal. There's a lump of coal? Just little bit of coal. And that's how you get into Wembley. That's a ticket for Newcastle games, a little bit of coal. Everyone's there with their like fucking fake tickets and all that and you're just there going, you know this. Like fucking hell I thought we'd close the main. They would maybe he'd be made in the closed main but Scousers is trying out with dead seagulls That's a let's say the mark I was fucked a seagull remember. Oh, I just thought about this I was just I'll have a Ben a son. Yeah like a I Actually squirm a little bit, you know Cuz if Newcastle a fans have been drug about Scousers theese, the Calden binned it was. And I'm like,

of all of the people to be poverty shaming of people, it shouldn't be us. We should probably swerve that little fucking insult. Like, I don't know why we're throwing these stones in this glass house. Yeah. It's like, it's like the second fatattest kid in school joining the bully and going, ah, you're fat cunt, that's what you're like, get over there with him. Be like you call the God of Ginger. Aha, yes, aha, I call him bald.

Which I really, really do do. Or Crickle gay. I mean I've been called some things, but don't, Daniel, I'm not. I'm not gay. Never be don't Daniel I'm not No, not gay. Love women. Women, plural. Uh huh. Well, yep. Not only in your mother. Standard's dropped a bit. I don't have a type. So I've got it just a bit rusty. So I've run it up the flagpole with a few different options that like might be able to get us tickets right I've got like hands like breathing down my neck as well yeah there must be somebody hey number one murder

straight up you can kill someone for tickets kill someone get the tickets to be fair when I had me tickets because I had printout tickets right yeah when I had them and I had them like in me hoodie pocket with me t-shirt on me tune top on over the top of it so like you can't reach in it's a unpick pocketable and but you know your people I did have a feeling that I'd die for it of push come to shove yeah you know like knifepoint yeah hey you're getting blood on your ticket hold on while I grab you, you're getting blood on my ticket I'm still going in there. Yeah, aye. Buddy, if you're going to stab me, go for the face please. Not the vital parts.

And instead of organs, you can cut whatever you want. Just stab us in the arm. Right. Did you not do tickets on your phone? No, this one wasn't. I got it as a comp. I got a free ticket to the game, which was fucking remarkable, right, because they were going out on the Ticket Tote website.

It said £1,700 last time I checked before I got it as a comp like I got it I got a free ticket to the game which is fucking remarkable right because we're going out on the ticket to websites It's 1700 pound last time I checked before I got the ticket Yeah, was seven so it went up and up as the time went on But if you've ever bought anything from that to website You do know that they put a percentage on once it's in your basket because they know you're gonna buy it anyway Yeah, so the percentage would have took a well over two grand to buy a ticket So it was a two grand ticket if you offered me four grand for that ticket you'd say the stadium you're not getting it yeah ten grand for that ticket you're not getting it

this is like I'm going in there yeah I've got me ticket like that there would have been people who got that tickets through the correct channels because a season ticket holders who are struggling to make ends meet right who know fine well they could easily get two grand plus for that ticket right week before the game five months mortgage payment. And they're going to that match. There's so much. So what you're telling me is it's poor people's fault they're poor.

Ah, well in this respect, right, in this respect, right, they could have dug themselves a little bit out of poverty by selling that ticket, but why the fuck are you trying to live if you're not trying to get the experience we all had at that stadium we all we all got a life experience that just fucking money can't buy that feeling when we won something after like people have lived and died Newcastle yeah 70 years that's four generations of Jordans there was people there were like cardboard cut out to that dad and shit like those people there just like fucking were

loved ones that would love to have seen it. Oh don't. Oh the dads were still alive they just couldn't get a ticket. Fuck it I don't want to fucking uh insolent to mean anyone's grief I'm not I'm lucky unfortunately I still have my father you you know, we've got our memories of things that we did together as it's supposed to be, but I can't imagine walking into a print shop, are you a full-size car? I didn't think I'd get in with a full-size one, I was thinking a half-size one, it wasn't

full-size really, it was like, kinda nearly three quarter size. Yeah. There was a guy that brought, like I saw, like he brought his granddad's hat inside of there. Yeah. Because his dad wore it to every game. That's a nice dad. And those people that I wear, the top of the dad all was one of those. All of that, beautiful. I didn't see the other one. The guy with the print, I was fucking sick of that. I know, but he was funny, he was making us laugh. I didn't even see him at the match,

I saw him at the pub with his dad. He was in the Big Chill afterwards, now the one where Tom and Kirstie broke up. Went there full of times. I went to the Big Chill and he was there with a cardboard cut of his dad. I was like, take him to the match with you. So, tickets were, I just tried a bunch of channels, because you know how I'd been on TNT Sport fairly recently, I tried with them, asked if we could get tickets, I just tried a bunch of channels because you know how I'd been on TNT Sport fairly recently I tried with them asked if we could get tickets like I wish I tried where the the organization that run the tour with Doug Stanhope who bookers they run Sam Fenders tours so I thought they'll have

tickets but obviously they'll be able to get tickets but they've also got a million fucking Jolies on the roster that want tickets so they were like man they're joining a massive queue of people that want tickets there's no way I can get them from here and then I tried it with my producer of Mjolnir and they just pretty much got back of us saying we didn't really work with football tickets, sports not with my strong suit and then a week later I got a message going I think I've got two tickets for you I'll call you tomorrow, right? And this was like two weeks before the game.

And the next day I'm waiting for this call. Honestly, when I say I'm waiting for this call, that's all I'm doing. Just sit outside, phone on the table, waiting for a call. Yep. Walk in the dog, just like, everything I'm doing is with an audio book on

because then if my phone rings it cuts it. So I'm pottering, I'm pottering till three o'clock right and then I just think because I'd already emailed him back that night just saying oh my god I'm not gonna be able to sleep right. And then a message just going, the anticipation's killing us, nothing, full day against buy. So the next day I email again and nothing and then the next day I try to ring him and then he cuts us off in Texas gonna want to train I'll bring you back

Nothing great, right and then this goes on for a full week And then he messages the Monday after like the Monday of the week of the game saying check your email You've gone through 17 books Finished a wheel of time And the re-read. And he goes, check your emails and there's two tickets in the inbox. And I was like, I was after three. You're fucked, I see that.

But we did have a little bit of that where I was going to Natalie, I was like, what do we do here? Because we're going to every game we can and like I was like should we because he really really wanted to spend the money yeah like he was like trying to talk me into it and we were talking him out of it we're like that's just a ridiculous like amount to be spending like if you if you spend that money like you'd want the corporate experience at least you want like the Fed and the other kind of trimmings that like they rob you for when you buy corporate seats right, but it's you're just up in the gods for two grand, right? So we're talking him would have it but I'm also talking mood of it because it's like I'm still got it

I haven't told him that I'm getting teased because I don't want to tease him too. And then I was like to Natalie I was like should we chip in like he was willing to pay so much for like if we chip in for at least make it Cheaper when he buys a ticket and then she's like look he was willing to pay so much for like if we chip in for at least make it cheaper when he buys a ticket and then she's like look he was willing to spend two grand and now absolutely wasn't he deserves it more than me just give it to him so I got to make that phone call I got a phone call and I told him you can't believe I'm taking Natalie to the game put great girl face to mode and see her face mug it and take me bird Great girl face to face, I want to see your face. Mug it. I'm taking a bird.

You would not like get to go to Wembley. Hands off. I'm going to watch it in the pub. I did it and very much, I phoned him up and just went, we still haven't organised Sunday, how are we getting to London on Sunday? He's like, what you want to do? Because we had a table book and chalk bar in Newcastle I'd like we had plans for new watching it in Newcastle. See we're gonna London on Sunday. He's like what you're on about. I've got tickets for the fucking match man. How we get to London Give me a kid of PS5 game. Yeah, you know not with it and then they're like it dawns on them the next presence

I'm a PlayStation 2 you call the word your dumb bitch and you hear and you're in Christmas yeah I said did that the can I think I'll get in London I've got a ticket you try this there but he ended up he ended up driving I know you want to spend all the money but just like you know I spent five grand on the last ticket so I can't get down to London so can you drive me please and obviously can't jump in for petrol because as I said five grand of the last ticket so I can't get down to London so can you drive me please? And obviously I can't jump in for petrol because as I said five grand on the ticket. Thanks man you're the best. Wait outside and keep the engine running. Just keep like getting as much as I can out of them for the tickets.

But I absolutely fucking once in a lifetime experience. I was driving here actually because I'm still hopefully not I'm still just absorbing, I'm still just there absorbing all of the like content right in this the The the podcast were Gary Lineker Mika Richards and Alan Sheeran He eventually like come on the thing and he was on about like all the things they've won as players Like Gary Lineker and Sheeran like watching their own team when something was better than that glades with like Whatever it would have been like blackburn for she ra spurs Barcelona Note and nobody didn't play for them then so he was saying watching Lester win the league It was better the better experience the like the tribal visceral kind of

Experiences like all of the things I've done in my career. This was the best Yeah, it was watching that team win something and it was just that experience where I was just saying, hello, everything Shearer has achieved in his life, my best experience and his best experience are the same. Like it's that good an experience that like they hold it above everything that they've done in their life. It's just a silly game of kickball. Nah, that's what's silly about it, isn't it?

Yeah. It's such a magic trick on the body. It's something that we've all just agreed on matters. And people that aren't invested in it, this makes no sense to them at all. And I talk about it on stage, I try to talk on stage in a way that I am explaining it to people that don't care but the

emotional investment has a payoff and it like it's such a fucking like an amazing trade because you hand over your emotions to something you've got no control over and it can make you sad so like some people some people tapped out when Newcastle were getting relegated and shit because their mental health was in a bad place anyway. I tapped out at Chelsea. You're struggling with bits and bobs in your life and all that and then there's this fucking other thing that's just bringing you no joy and because I've been largely balanced in like me happiness I've been able to afford New castle the sap the life would have us in that aspect of my life was who just

fucking reaching for the rope. I reckon some of the people that tapped out of football are still alive today because of it. I do wonder how many male suicides every year are down to not fully football, I don't think. Oh, but like a win on the weekend would have kept them alive for that week. It would have been enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, but like a win on the weekend would have kept them alive for that week. It would have been enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do think like, cause I'm not saying your team losing something is enough to drive you over the edge to kill yourself, but it's up to a factor of 20% on your happiness. Like, and it can swing. Like if you're having a bad male health day and you're at like 30% and then your team wins,

you're up to 50, you're like, nah, it was a shit day, now it's a fine day. I can get through it. Yeah. But. And I've given quite a lot of myself to that football team so I could get that feeling right. But there was people in that stadium who've given a hell of a lot more to that club than I have. You know, like every single game, every single long journey in the fucking winter

and like driving back after getting pumped on an away game, every single long journey in the fucking winter and like driving back after getting pumped on an away game. Like I pick and choose a handful of games and I've had a largely good run of it right, but some people have like been through the worst and like went to every single game in the championship to get them back up and all that. Like it's fucking, like there's some people in that stadium who've invested way more so that feeling from them will be amplified by a million. And then like you say we're like fucking she was like played for them and try to win had been in cup finals where he lost it's such a it's such a fucking like mad trade that you make with a football

team so that you can get that reward from it but like as someone who loves drugs far better than drugs for what it gives you. All right, but drugs are cheaper and more readily available. Aye, yeah. Can I go to a drug dealer and be like, can I get an ecstasy bill? I'll give you one ecstasy bill at one point in the next 70 years. Oh yeah.

Which is gonna cost me 50 crat. Oh, if I bought ecstasy. It's better to be a hell of a bill. If I bought me an ecstasy feeling then it might give us the feeling of losing 5-0. Aye. All right, Ketman is the feeling of turning up to Wembley, realising you forgot your shorts and then your PE teacher turns up and goes you forgot to do your underwear. Ah yeah. Was that a thing of your generation?

Yeah, aye. Oh no, I have to do my underwear. Oh, I forgot my stuff again, sir. I was talking about this today because it didn't happen to me at high school, but like that was something in primary school where, I mean, it's obviously stopped now because that's a crime. But like when I was getting, it's like, oh, you forgot your peach stuff, you're doing it in your little fucking tight white shirt. Especially in Scottish school, you used to have to do dancing Yeah, like it's one thing being like gymnastics in your kicks, but they in the fucking gay go to the

Yeah, no good Do you hear I betrayed you the weekend you betrayed me you celebrated the consolation goal We did by the way, the Toon fans accidentally celebrated their goal. You know that? No. You know it was an offside call. Yeah. And they went to VAR for ages. Oh yeah. They put a sweat on. You know how the referee's making it up now and he tells the audience, the crowd, what the result was just with the acoustics of the stadium. It sounded like he said offside and we cheered like a goal had went in and then they went and started fucking kick off we genuinely cheered the

Liverpool goal by accident because we're misheard. That explains why the Liverpool cheer was so loud. I mean yes. That opened for Connor on Friday and Saturday. Oh yeah, hi Molly. Is that how to go? At the Kings, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah fine. Like, so I get it. Marley says you just want to do it. Did they know who you were?

No. No? No, 15%, 15% of the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I always, because I was walking, I was like, surely I've got some crossover with like Connor's fans, like both Scottish, like he's opened for me before.

Like surely we've got, he's like, yeah, I think we do. Then we were outside the Kings, and I was walking past this queue, I'm like, oh, this is like a very like middle-aged, there's young people there, but like way more middle-aged than mine, and also a bit Facebook-y, because like a lot of his contents on Facebook, this week scared and I mean don't get me wrong, can't sold out two shows

that kinks is unbelievable super proud of him. When I was backstage I was like hey man can I ask you a question about your crowd? He was like yeah I was like are they um how do I put this are they uh are they like are they like Kai's audience or my audience? He was like, do you mean scum? I was like, yeah, he's scum. But that's about it. Because Kai's audience are scum, but also they're my scum because I've been part of the Newcastle world for a while. But they're class. I love my audience. I was worried. I was like, these might be knackers. They're the salt of the earth. Everyone's so, boozy. Boozy. You couldn't put an age on my audience.

It's quite like an age range, right? But all of them to a man, boozy. Yeah. Before me special, they had to do an announcement to take all the glasses back because they'd run out of glasses. Correct. Correct.

That's what you want. People were hoarding them up to throw at you. You want an audience where the venues love having you. The venues buzzing when they book you because they're like, we're going to put money behind the bar. Aye. It was good fun. You know, but also like I'm still doing new shit.

And also Connor's got the, I think cause Connor, I think first of all Connor is filth. He's got he swears right he's got rude stuff I think he's controversial like he's not afraid to push the fucking boundaries I don't know if he just does it in like a sweeter way than me? A more palatable way? More palatable because like there was... I think he takes the edge off his edge by being charming Yeah or maybe because like because he's got way more of a Scottish accent like

all of the older generation who would be like put off by being out swearing and filth that I do in my show. But then because of his he's just able to sell them more because like he reminds him of like their grandson or their nephew or something. Yeah. Like a cheeky thing. Yeah I I don't know if the cheeky thing. I do lean into that it to that lot of like you know open and fudge them own I'm like oh I am like gonna come in and swear and be like but I'm gonna I'm gonna charm you while I'm doing it I do just don't you kind of do that I'm charmer like edge harsher well so did you, did you make them gasp? Some of them gasp. Yeah. I mean, I mean, you'll see, we're getting together tomorrow.

Me and you. I was charity gig at the stand. I'm on there. So you'll see some of the new stuff. There's lots of, yeah. You know, you know, there's a switch jokes in there already. So it's going to go on first. Like yeah. Yeah, just don't I know What what which? Tonight I didn't happen. Yeah deny that it didn't happen. So what? That is my sense. Yeah, I regular I want all record I deny the Holocaust didn't happen Denier I don't think the Holocaust didn't happen. I didn't deny it. Holocaust denier? I deny that it didn't happen. I don't think the Holocaust didn't not happen.

Didn't not not happen. Wait no, that was, I don't know how to say it. That was triple negative. You're saying I haven't been to the Holocaust denier now. I'm not a Holocaust denier. That's triple negative. Because you're... Eh.

I don't not deny the Holocaust. Still we're still on the wrong side of history here. I don't deny the Holocaust. Didn't happen. Was that, didn't happen? I've no idea. I'm confusing myself now. So anyway, Holocaust jokes. Yeah, cause what- It's also a very contentious time to be doing that.

Yeah, why? Do you think they've- Just think like a rise in antisemitism's probably has got a little bit, like a little bit of sensitivity, there's a little bit of some old wounds have been opened at the minute, so chucking salt around's probably a bad idea. Yeah

Yeah, I can understand that but like you told me fucking corners audiences Jewish and I like slugs I think no, I think it's more about the worry of people getting hurt They're right. The people actually getting hurt. 30 seconds ago a lecture on why even joking about anti-semitism was bad and then to go to they're slugs. That's what I said. That's what you said.

I was in the bit. That was one of my feelings. And then I don't know if it's all fucking controversial. It's not the most controversial stuff I've done. And then I don't know if it's all fucking controversial. It's not the most controversial stuff I've done. But I had a gig last week at Monkey Barrel where I was just like, I'm so bored. Because the proud part of me, the part of me

that has this teenage stipulation in his head, or other manner in his early 20s of what a real comedian is, right? It's real comic, goes to the clubs, gets the fucking club tour, he can walk on in any room in the world, right, and fucking smash it. And that is the mindset you need to have when you're up and coming, proving yourself, right? I'm lucky to have a fair bit of a career at this point, right? So when I'm coming back I'm like right I'm gonna fucking do that I'm gonna go to the clubs put fucking neutral crowds I go to neutral crowds I was like fuck am I doing here? There's people out there who fucking love me. I was just going to watch Stade. Like Stade doesn't give a flying fuck about any of that.

He just goes in he fucking flings a bit around there's a bit where like he'd forgot the punchline and he was trying to dig something out of it then he realized that he was like not getting to where he wanted to go and I just looked around and went I don't think this gigs make a break for me he just absolutely fucking he's like I don't care you didn't laugh I don't care it was like why do we care so I cheated yeah I always want to do well at every gig I do yeah and also like doing a Work in progress show to all of your own audience is absolutely cheating because you're not getting a fair representation of the material

But and I also think it's it's like what it's like what red raw in Glasgow is right? You don't do red raw in Glasgow to work up new material You do red raw in Glasgow to work up new material. You do Red Row in Glasgow to get confidence in your new material. First time you ever do a joke, you wanna do it Red Row at Glasgow because they'll fucking, they'll go for anything and they'll really laugh.

Even if it's not that good, they'll fucking go for it. Then next time you tell it at a worse room, it doesn't go as well, but you're pitching it with way more confidence because last time it fucking ripped off. You've already seen the goal going. Yeah, I think it's important to like give yourself the confidence. You've already seen the goal going. Yeah I think it's important to like give yourself

the confidence. I did a bit of new material so I'm way behind everyone else right. He's a flying at the minute and that's a worry. But I'm still on tour so I'm still touring the stuff that I'm doing at the minute which is always hard to transition right. So it's easier when you finish your tour and you can just go right everything I've got to do is about the new show now. So I was like, right, I'm going to do Red Raw. I'm not going to date for nothing. Let's get some stuff written.

And it ended up coming in at about like six minutes or something, but I've still got 40 minutes left to go. So I just pivot into some older stuff. And the older stuff, just like, even though it's Red Raw and all the new stuff went down well, I'd done that at the top. Like I went out and I'm going to open with new stuff. And then like, you've already like warmed yourself up and now you're doing tried and tested bits. You've done a million the top like I went out man We got open when you stuff and then and then like you've already like warmed yourself up

And now you're doing tried and tested bits. You've done a million times, you know, well the laughs on It just was like that was so much better than that. Yeah Oh god, I hate when you I hate when you compare the new bit now to the old bit now Yeah, you should be comparing it to the old bit when it was new. Yep. Yeah. Well, that's the one thing I've definitely found an advantage in taking the eight months off is because the old show is so fucking far behind me now. Last time I did it was in October and even that the skill of that was just fucking remembering it. Like I don't have any comparison of that because at the end of every tour I hate my material because at

that point I've said it 300 times. I think you can tell a joke 250 times before you start to lose your mind. Right? That's if you don't mix it up. I know there's comedians like Bar, they'll fucking mix it up. And State, they'll mix up every night and keep it fucking fresh for themselves. So you watch Andrew Charles' new special. Shall I not? I mean do. I've not watched it all, but the first 10 minutes, there's a New York Jets joke in there. Like 9-11 one? Yep. That would be like

that would be like you know the Chicago basketball team's called the Chicago fires naming your team after the biggest tragedy that would be like New York naming their team the Jets and I'm like cool did somebody text you that joke on a Nokia 3310 in 2002? Yeah, that's a joke. Like even when you suggested it there, I think I've heard that. I think it was the first joke ever posted on psychopedia was that joke.

Like it's... And by the way, buddy, I'm not accusing Andrew Shultz of jokes still in here. I'm accusing him of fucking laziness. Yeah. Because whenever you arrive at that joke, you go, everyone's told that joke. I'm not using Andrew Shultz of jokes to deal with here. I'm accusing him of fucking laziness. Because whenever you arrive at that joke, you go, everyone's told that joke. Surely it's professional.

You arrive with that and you go, it can come up in a podcast, if it's conversational, that's fucking funny. You're opening gag, you're fucking Netflix with it, you're like, P-U. I rest a bit any good? Didn't watch it, I fucking don't. I watched Ronnie Chang's new special, I love that. I love Ronnie. I love

Spending an Hour with Ronnie. That's the one like, that's date night like I mean that little cuddle up and watch a Ronnie Cheng special like it's a... No I don't respect, I respect Shults as a comedian, I don't respect him as a human being. No. Not a single bit. And I watch Nelson's as well, class, it's an eye player. And I tend not to watch a great deal of specials, but like Damien Powers was really good Is that is on YouTube was really funny? Do you think it's like? Beneficial or do you think it's what's the opposite of beneficial negative and make official? Yeah I can see why we didn't call it that But benevolent is good

What's the opposite? Malevolent. So, maleficient, beneficial, maleficient? That can't be right. There's got to be an opposite. There's a word that's not similar that means the opposite. There's got to be an opposite of beneficial. Detrimental? Detrimental. Is that the one? Yeah, but why is it not? Yeah, they don't pair up very well, do they? They're not friends. Stupid English language. Is it beneficial or detrimental to watch a lot of comedy when you're writing a show? Is it inspiring and you get to see some like thought patterns and techniques or is it that you're just going to end up like similar to someone's stuff? No, I think it's...

Whether that's subconsciously or not? No, I think it's... Whether that's subconsciously or not. No, I think the more you're aware of what other comedians are saying as well, it's important. And that's why I also think it's important to watch comedians that you fucking hate and just go, right, so I'm gonna watch this special and try and see if, you know,

the person I hate can be fucking skillful at shit. But if I watch their special, I can see what their arguments are. And in my head, I can imagine I skillful at shit. But if I watch their special, I can see what their arguments are. And in my head, I can imagine I'm arguing against them. So like some of my material will be not a direct rebuttal to it, but in my head it'll be like, anyone that thinks this is a fucking idiot,

and this would be my rebuttal to it. And it's sort of like, knowing what both sides and the middle are saying about things I think is good. I think the downside of it is it's impossible when you're writing new material to watch a literally finished show. Oh yeah.

And go, I'm shit. Like there's no way any of my stuff just that's gonna be as good as this. I just wanna watch like everybody that's got a special. I wanna see a first preview of that show. That's what I wanna watch with the buildup. David Powers opening gags, probably. He goes, my granddad fought in the, in World War II and afterwards,

like obviously just fucking hated Japanese people who served in the Pacific. He hated Japanese, was racist to them for years and years. And then around the seventies, Japanese people started immigrating over. He was racist towards them. Right. But then he came over and they do all immigrants do, they start cooking. Right, ten years after that my granddad said- They're not cooking if they're Japanese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, in the next eight years my granddad says, sushi for the first time, he's like, oh you know what, it's not that bad. And by the time it was, you know, in the 90s, he was actually not racist towards Japanese people at all. And I think that same thing happened in the UK when it comes to Indian immigrants right dead races start cooking great so all I'm saying is right let's give the trans community a year to cook for us it's like it's gonna be good on a slow build yeah like I love that for I know it's the only guy.

So I feel like I've not ruined the space. I've literally advertised it by but that was the only guy I was like, fuck, that's brilliant. Fuck, that's great. Like I've barely spent any time with David Power, but I love the guy. Like I bumped into him. It was like, you know, when you're like, oh, we know each other. When you pass each other the fringe and had like a five to 10 minute conversation.

That was no small talk involved. It was all about the fucking meaning of life. The lens of perception and shit. And we just ended up having this like really fucking meaningful deep conversation and then went, Oh shit, I've got to be somewhere. And I was, that was much better than like, how's the show going? Yeah. I also think, cause he's so like like when we talk about fucking people who say are wide who's intelligent comedy are just stupid people

They're saying something slightly more intelligent than their dumbasses and they're like that's intelligent Do you powers really fucking smart like both I think like academically and in terms of like, you know His reading list isn't a storm like saga. I Speak of which I've just started Warbringer. Oh aye? I did say that right and now I get all of the book titles wrong. No, it's Warbreaker. Warbreaker.

Warbreaker. So I did get it wrong. Yeah. Whoa, you're gonna trip. What are you bringing here? You got little merchandise. Have you been buying yourself a little bit of fucking nitty merchandise from the Stormlight Saga have you? He got little merchandise. They've been behind us a little bit

So when they Know I did this yesterday color was said to work any here and I was like, can I just stay make you the angriest you've ever Been right because call it because you know, if you know, I've done plenty for Colin and it's like Colin has like a Loyalty to me where he'll not insult me as much as he insults other people. I think he should be allowed to, but just in his head there's a little bit of that. Like Mark Nelson just openly wants to wedgie you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like you haven't put Mark Nelson up in your house when times were tough.

No, no, no. So he will happily openly wedgie you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. Like you'll occasionally go full throttle on me, like if we're both in the mood for it. But most of the time you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing, like you'll occasionally go full throttle on me, like if we're both in the mood for it, but most of the time you're like, ah, Tom's there, I'll go for Tom. So sometimes I like to test that with Cullen and his patience. So when the Brandon Sanderson Kickstarter came out for all the

edition which is done, I obviously signed up to the highest level of Kickstarter and I meant I got all of these plushies. So you got plushy toys Is this gonna? Well considering I'm reading a book and I have no visual imagination This is really difficult for us to put a character to a person, but this is a from the stormlight saga Well, it's not Caledon. It's not the Stormlight saga well it's not Caledon it's not right I've already lost the names. Stormfather? Stormfather the actual Stormfather he's the Storm. Yeah. It's a spren. It's an ink spren. Oh is that what they look like? Yeah.

Should you be showing these to the camera? This is Nash spren. Is that Nash spren? Should you be showing these to the camera? You're not going to get it. This is Nash Sprayne. Is that Nash Sprayne? Should you be showing these to the, you can't really see them anyway because they're still in the wrapper. Are you keeping them in the wrapper? No, no, I said I was going to keep them in to annoy Cullen. Is that Cullen?

What's this one? A peak Sprayne. So these are all Sprayne? Yeah. A mist Sprayne? Aye. You just shown us your titties Daniel I'm 34 hi cultivation sprain hey wait where's Kara gonna let you put you put these oh it's a cryptic it's cryptic he's a He's basically just pulled out a bunch of cuddly toys. And I...

Reach her? Reach her? What the fuck's a reach? Oh, the pashendi, got it, right. So you're gonna like decorate your bed with these? Do you make your bed yet? Should we make our bed? Do you make your bed yet?

Yeah, well, it depends on the day. Sometimes I do, sometimes Kara does it. I remember a couple of years ago, you were like, I'm just gonna get back in it like because I like I was I never used to make me bed. Right. We went a long time there where you just like that's just a bed like I don't mean make that but like now I like take pride and make me bed look nice first thing first job of the day like I'm fucking taking Jordan's pieces of advice on how to live. Sometimes. Complete the task to start the day. Well because what happens is so we come downstairs for breakfast and it's pieces of advice on how to live sometimes complete the task to start the day Well cuz why I'm says so we come this is for breakfast

Let's make I'm on killing duty in the morning cars on a people girl G and then when I want to get ready It's one of the old times we like killing on a iPad It's just so I can fucking shower and brush my hair and get ready and he sat in the bed So if I made the bed before that and be fucking point, it's like but then after I get ready. I Go again him ready. So I would say 50% of the week we make her bed. Right, okay, so this is what you're gonna do. Make her bed, put all of the plushie teddies on, and let her go to bed before you, and discover them.

Or she knows them. Make me a bed with like a whole, cause we've got two teddies on the bed when we make the bed. Right. Just because they exist in our life. It's like Natalie's old teddies from when she was a kid. I mean, it sounds like you've got one each. Huh?

It sounds like you've got one each. No, both Natalie's. What? I mean, are they both on her side of the bed? So basically what I do, right? What I do is I make the bed. So I'm talking you through it. OK. I put the two cushions there

Uh-huh. Hey, they're nice and then I put the teddies in a sexual position. Oh, that's good That's me making the bed. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I feel like there's only two positions sexual positions You can put teddies in. I'll move around them. 69 doggy. Uh-huh. Oh missionary. Yeah. Reverse cow teddy Reverse teddy girl the girl Reverse reverse cow bear reverse cow bear is that what it is go back big Cow bear pig we've got a we've got a title um I got to rough up soon. I

Take my son to the dentist. I thought you had to go to the dentist I just go to the dentist. So I've got a little chip from one of me. Is that from the sock game? No, hey on his stag do we had a game the sock game that used to play as kids where one person would be wearing a sock And the rest would be trying to get it off. I know he's old would wear one song I'll get one sock on and you're with his brothers and they're all trying to get the sock off them. But like now they're grown men, it just become like a full fucking, yeah.

You tip your tip. So it's not my teeth that are chipped. I've got a composite on them because they were like slightly dented from when I smashed my face off a cub when I was young. So it's just composite. Curb. Yeah, what was it?

You just had your fingers in your mouth, I was trying to avoid you. Oh sorry, carp. Yeah. So getting that fixed, but then also big advantage because like Kaylin, we were meant to go to the dentist last week, but got the time wrong. And the entire time we were in the car with the old son, he's like,

I'm just a bit scared of the dentist. I'm like, okay, man, it's okay to be scared of things that you don't understand or don't know. I attempted to, attempted to. He was like, I'm a bit anxious. And I'm like, man, I don't think I learned the word anxious until I was nine years old. I guess in a different generation.

Yeah, identifying emotions. I'm like, okay. I'm like anxiety is fine. So we took his little teeth, like I said, teeth toys. So we take that down and we're like, this is what they're gonna like. She's gonna show that down and be like, this is what they're gonna, she's gonna show him what it does on that and then they're gonna do it to me

and then hopefully he'll be fine. Can you teach her a little bravery now that we've got a better grasp on what it is? Because I used to think being brave was not being scared of things. No. But being brave is being scared of things but then doing it anyway.

So it's like the conqueror of it, which is like- It's not the absence of fear. It's doing something while fearful. so I think I didn't know that until I was grown up yeah and I just thought being brave was like not being scared of stuff so they'd pretend not to be scared of stuff even though I was which is actually fucking the same thing yeah so you still still reach the same conclusion in the end but I think like having an understanding of like oh it's okay they feel this this isn't I'm not like covering up that I'm scared yeah I

am scared I'm just fucking gonna do it anyway. Like I'm pushing through. So like. I've got to, I'm trying to, not that my parents were ever bad to me at all, but with Kaelan, I'm like, I don't know what I was like as a three year old. So maybe I was similar. I was never taught until I started meditating that you're not your own thoughts.

You're an observer of your thoughts. You can't ignore them, super hard to do, but with focus, you can't do it. That was like a revelation to me when I was 29 or 30 years old. I think it's too early to sort of explain the concept of that to Cailin, but like our big thing is like, you know Once you say sorry once if you're truly sorry enough to say sorry again, don't be like me don't apologize

And then apologize for apologizing go further. So some of it is landed in because they do we were playing a We're playing golf And he was hitting some good shots. I had one just wayward Right and something like that me at that age, right? Despite all of my dad trying to make me a better, not a sore loser, something where I would have snapped a fight club. Caleen just went, it's just a silly game.

I'm like, but that is the best attitude to go to golf with. Never refer to sports as that, we all know it, but don't reveal that. You're allowed to call golf that like for your own mental health. It got like if you're having a bad game of football and you're with justifying you having a bad game of football, it's like, hey, it's just a silly game. 10 other lads are going to kick your head in. You're letting the fucking team down. If you're golfing alone, you're like,

I'm losing. The best way to get over losing here is to just go. That was one thing I loved about when we actually had like it was a come down from a stag do fallout about football When they had the Scottish fans and Irish fans were like really like going against England when we went out of the yeah You know, it's what cup World Cup. It was the World Cup semifinal against Croatia. Yeah, it's a World Cup a Euro semifinal World Cup semifinal. Okay. And Yeah, when went the World Cup, a Euro semi-final. World Cup semi-final. Yeah, when we went out there and it was so brutal and we actually fell out over it, right? People were falling out over it. And at no point did anyone say it's only a game.

That's why I love every one of you. Nobody says, hey, this isn't worth falling out over, we're like fucking out. Even if any of my wives were saying it into our ears while we were falling out with our very best friends, none of us said it. Because it's more than that, we're past the point. Before you leave today you've got some Thistley Cross to take home. We've got fucking heaps. Lovely. And that's going to be ready for me for barbecue season because I'm off now. I'm away from Friday, Saturday.

I'm going altitude and then I'm going straight to Australia. See me in Australia, Melbourne and Sydney. See me in Sydney. Just Sydney. I know, hey, here's the thing. I'm probably not meant to reveal this, but who gives a fuck? You're podcast listeners. So obviously I'm doing the Sydney Opera House, Downstance of Friends, that's all out.

I'm also doing the Comedy Store, the three weeks before that, the Thursday, Friday, Saturdays, I'm headlining. I don't know if I'm listed. I think I might be hosting them. Great, there you go. I think I'm hosting them ones, yeah. All three?

I think so, because I'm going to do a week in Melbourne, a week hosting the Comedy Store, and a week in Sydney. Yeah, so I'm doing three weeks. A week do a week in Melbourne a week host in the comedy store In Sydney. Yeah, so I'm doing three a week doing a Sydney show. I mean, I know both of them things aren't Sydney. So If you want to see us, I'll be there for Three Thursdays three Fridays a Saturdays I don't know the dates but whatever the dates are after the fourth of April those ones those are weekends. I'll be there Are you gonna two other show that you're doing at the Fringe? What?

Are you gonna tour the show that you're doing at the Fringe? Maybe, why? Because I need to work out my tour. And it'll be good if we can juggle the two. Well, Gareth's already replacing you. I'm doing work in progress at the end of August in Porto. Are you going to? No, Lisbon. Yeah, nice. Doing work in progress at the end of August in Porto. Are you going to? No, Lisbon, Lisbon.

Yeah, nice. Doing work in progress, and so we'll still be going back to Lisbon eventually on tour more towards the end of the tour, but doing a poofy there. But also we just wanted a holiday with our kids. Nice holiday, take the Benz. He's gonna try and get that place that we were at.

But too far out of town, unfortunately. Especially if you're going to Porto. No, no, no, no. You go to Lisbon. Yeah, so both wives were like we want somewhere like in town so we can do things with the kids yeah this was such a great spot as well best it's the best it's infinitely better than every part of Spain all right after that you knew it was in Portugal and you said

yes it's my favorite part of Spain. What was that, somebody in Lisbon told us about an artist, a music act that crushed a gig and then said the wrong language, goodbye, like Gracias instead of El Brigado. Yeah. That right? Yeah, yeah. They said the wrong one and just sucked the atmosphere out of the room after having a good gig. Yeah. It's like, well, there you go, fuck you.

Well, I mean, at that point, it's like, at the end, fuck them, you've got no refunds at that point. Apart from that, fuck off and we'll see you next week. Bon voyage.