Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ruby the Stripper

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

With the fringe festival in the distant horizon Kai and Mark enter the admin stage and discuss preparation involved in doing a new show. They also talk about strippers, non drinkers on nights out, puppy classes and Les Dennis, amongst other platforms for hilarity.

Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road, minus the sloss. And in his place, Mark Nelson is here cracking me up all the way through the podcast as he does best. We'll talk about a number of things, like I'm giving you a preview of what you're literally just about to listen to. It's like, you know, when you're watching Practical Joke, as in it shows you a clip of the practical joke they're about to do, and then shows you just a slightly more extended version of the clip you've just watched. This is essentially what this intro is. We're going to talk about strippers and people's motivations for going to the strippers and some people who get addicted to the strippers.

We talk about stripper names. We talk about the Fringe Festival. It's looming upon us both it's at the the admin stage of the fringe which is the dullest where you've got to get your photos sorted and shit like that so we'll have a little complaint about about photo shoots we talk quite a bit about photo shoots and how corny they can be which um that that made us laugh a little bit talking talking about our most embarrassing photographs and whatnot um we talk about going out drinking without having a drink those people don't trust them do not trust them in fact you know what get on with the podcast sorry for keeping you

and thanks for subscribing anybody who's listening on early access if you're not uh may i recommend it's only three quid may i recommend you subscribe and listen to the episode that i've done on the thursday gone with Mark where we taught each other loads of shit that we don't know we had homework for that one we'll learn some new things taught each other the new things and every listener is just a little bit better for it you know every they each have like more conversation in the pub over the water cooler now do people chat over the water cooler you know that cliche is it real Do you go and get a water and like chat shit?

Listen to the podcast. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream creaming muggins straight thugging living the dream. That's our intro.

Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim we in the same seat? That's hack Oh, muggles

Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? And here we go again A public episode of Sluss and Humphreys on the road With substitute teacher Mark Elton

That's actually even more offensive Than the replacement bus service Sloss and Humphreys on the road with substitute teacher Mark Elson. That's actually even more offensive than the replacement bus service. Substitute teacher. I found that picture of us. If anyone checks on my Instagram, I think. Oh, no, did I put it on a story? I think it was on a story, yeah. Oh, no, it was on the post. It was on the Sloss and Humphreys Instagram on an actual post.

Right. Me and you did a photo shoot for individual French shows with Marty Lynn, car photography show. Yeah. Where we got some photos done. I think it was, it wasn't the photo shoot with the photo that constantly haunts me. Have you seen that photo where I've got bleach blonde

hair and I'm wide-eyed leaning into the camera as if like as if I'm just like sat too close to the telly you know because that photo just still right 2010 I took it used it for one

French show I know exactly what one you mean now I've just I've just remembered it yeah straightened bleached blonde hair yes

like cloud of fantasy yes right that photo I took used for one French show and it still to this day

comes up and you know when promoters just do their own like show, and it still to this day comes up. And, you know, when promoters just do their own, like, Googling and right-clicking and using pictures. And every time it comes up, I'm like, what made you pick that photo? And also, I'm assuming if they have just done a basic Google to find the photo, they'll have had to scroll down, because that's not, like, one of the top ones that comes up so why have they scrawled past all the other completely acceptable photos probably still

on the agent's website she's probably still leading with that one no i don't know like maybe it's because it was one of the first ones that i used as a professional headshot yeah that like it comes up on a lot more hits because they've had more views over the years, they've accumulated more views. Aye, possibly, aye. Maybe it's like,

if one person saves it, that puts it in the algorithm for somebody else to save it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know the answer, but that photo fucking haunts me.

Yeah. And I know I've not seen the last of it. It'll come back on. Aye. But it wasn't that photo shoot, it was the one after. You were wearing a suit. I wore a suit,

yeah. And I was wearing a jeans and like a kind of fucking trendy t-shirt with like skull and crossbone blue a baseball cap in a baseball cap

a truck cap before I realised that I can't wear hats which become a routine from asking the audience a genuine question you know that you know where

Jimmy McGee it was 2014 I was wearing a baseball cap in Australia and Jimmy was like you've got to stop wearing hats man you look like

you're dying I look like I've taken my fucking last respite last trip to Australia it's like make a wish

so you started asking audiences I wasn't having it because I wore hats all the fucking time I wore beanies I wore baseball caps I just fucking wore hats

I like wearing hats I felt good in. I wore beanies. I wore baseball caps. I just fucking wore hats. I like wearing hats. I felt good in them. And then I just, I never wore them on stage. And then I just said, can you just settle the dispute for us? My mate says I look like I'm dying when I wear a hat.

And I put the hat on. And the fucking died laughing. And I was like, wait, fuck off. Now I've got to do this at the start of every single show. Yeah. Because it's now a bit. Yeah.

So it's like, yeah. It's now like, if you get a laugh that hard on stage, it stays. Oh God, yeah. It stays and it'll stay for years. I've only stopped it. That's why I always get my cock out at the start. I had a black eye from the comics boxing. Right.

And I knew I had to have a fucking joke about it right because you kind of just got on stage with a black eye and not mention it and i went on and i just went i wish i had a cool story about my black eye i've just i've never opened for sec world before it was the quickest it's the quickest i've ever been off the blocks from like from grabbing the mic to getting a laugh yeah it's been it's been the quickest route to the joke in that opener lasted two gigs aye

three gigs before my black eye was gone oh that is gutted I think because I just wanted I wanted to get hit

I'm starting fights yeah so I can get my opener back did I Barry Casnola fucking bought a I was just

I was just going to I was just gonna mention Barry's opening bit uh huh yeah that one came by accident I think he tumble dried his sweater uh huh

and then just took it straight to the tumble dryer and into his bag right and then he puts it on and it's fucking tiny and he walks on stage and just went

guess who's just bought a new tumble dryer and then throws his hands up in the air and his belly and his and just went guess who's just bought a new tumble dryer and then throws his hands up in the air and his belly and his belly just pops out if you see if you stop

wow straight off the blocks quickest route to the fucking like quickest route to the opening gag it's a great opening joke I've ever seen

in stand up that's brilliant that's the quickest I'll ever see anybody get to their first push yeah right couldn't fucking

left his jumper at home one day Barry Couldn't fucking left his jumper at home one day. Barry Castellone left his jumper at home and you know how disarming it is if you lose your opening gag

is gone. Yeah. Right. Your fucking quickest route to your opening gag when you have a big laugh is gone

and it's with your arsenal right. And he went fucking I'm going to go and buy a jumper that's too small. And he went around the shops and he just couldn it I'm gonna go and buy a jumper that's too small and he went around the shops and he just

couldn't find one quite small enough and went to Baby Gap of Gap Kids he went to Gap Kids and he bought

he bought a school jumper from Gap Kids so that he can own that guess who bought new Tumble Drive?

Oh my God. So Barry, I realise I've never actually asked him that. Has Barry got one jumper that he's always had? It was the one jumper

that he actually put in the Tumble Drive. That was the nexus of the joke. Nexus? Is that the right word? Starting point? And I think it's developed from there

that he just wears child's jumpers now. Oh, that's amazing. He was in stitches with both gigging to go anyway. Yeah. Just shuffled up and went, read the label of me jumper. Oh, that's brilliant. That was like brilliant.

So on the photo shoot, I'm wearing a suit and I'm wearing me trucker hat and me um me jeans and all that and for some reason we stood back the back with i think it was martin said to us like is that like i really i've really liked the folks that take photos for edinburgh but it's one of the most stressful times doing that photo stuff because i hate having my photo taken and i hate being asked to do because and yourself you don't realize that you look boring most of the time so you can't just do so they're always like just do something wacky hold this is that what you want to do with this yeah do this and there's always that fucking like going really really close it was a real spell where every Edinburgh comedian was scratching

the back of their head yeah yeah everybody's got a scratch on the back of their head or looking up quizzically at something like

uh huh oh yeah looking at the gods yeah and I think I think that was that day Martin just said to us

like let's muck about and do a couple and he put us back to back and we we look like a fucking cop show that lasted one series and straight of ahs movie yeah yeah yeah thanks i've had that photo for fucking years but with no reason to pedal it out and i peddled it out

for the launch of yeah it works it does work work. You weren't supply teacher in the core. It was real teacher, supply teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear and let you call me by my first name. You bulk people for lateness. I'm up in a sexual harassment yard. You bust a kid's nose. So them photo shoots right

I'd done one just before the pandemic in fact you know what the pandemic was kicking in because I remember being nervous of public transport when I went for the photo shoot and I walked quite a long distance across London to get to this photo shoot and what I wanted to do about my show

for my 2020 show was I wanted to do it about hobbies at the time. I'd been banging, I mean, knitting. I'd been doing quite a lot of Muay Thai. And I just wanted to start just looking at what people, do a little bit of crowd interaction, find out what people's hobbies are, write little bits of material about each hobby and try and have just a wealth of material about what people do for recreation.

And I was going to call the show Knit That Box of Glory of glory nice so i was fucking engineering it run the title that's brilliant and i went with my boxing gloves and my knitwear to this photo shoot and i look back through them photos with so much cringe as i'm there with like the ball of wool in a boxing glove while i'm knitting with it i used the big green jumper that Dan knitted us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to tell the story of like our toxic masculinity, like creating something special and like helping reignite a dying art and all that shit, right?

And like I was going to tell that story. So I'm wearing the jumper that he made me in the competition. I've got the ball of wool and it just looked like I'm going, look how much depth I have. Look at all of my many layers yeah look i'm a comedian who knits and boxes yeah just fucking it just feels yuck i never did write the show and i know i didn't use the photos i used one of the photos on my twitch stream so the photo's out there and that will haunt me in years to come there was a couple of

years i didn't even realize it had happened because it was different photographers as well but i'd been sitting on different types of chairs and sitting in a different way so there was like one where i was like kind of sitting back like that as if i was like i just fucking got the it was like game of thrones just kind of sitting out like a lord and then there was another one where i was just kind of sitting down like that with my hands like that looking really cheeky and then little monkey and then there's one oh fucking hell there's one where for some reason they've used it's almost like a kitchen chair and it's i've spun it right so i've put my legs either side of the back of it

but it looks like i'm trying to seduce someone like you're trying to be mates with the inmate yes yes you know you give him a cigarette you give the inmate a cigarette and you turn the chair around yeah you're side straddling but it's got a proper basic instinct kind of vibe about it like it looks weird yeah funny uh um so we're at the stage now of the fringe where where agents are getting like uh getting their job starts today for the fringe they want to get like everybody's venue sorted they want to get everyone's listing sorted they want to get tickets on early pre-sale so like their job starts now for the fringe and our job doesn't start until we're well we'll start writing the material the night before the night before and we are from our homework on the bus

we really sneer at the comics who have it's february the comics who have already done previews yeah london comics mostly comics. We sneer at them, but you're like, party of gans. I fucking wish I had that in us because I still put up a show that competes with theirs. Yeah.

I'll still go out and put a show on that like, it'll get the same fucking critical acclaim that theirs does and they start in January. What could I achieve

if I started in January? Like, there's a part of us that wish I was a fucking better worker to see what the... See, that's the thing, us that wish I was a fucking better worker. See, to see what the, see,

that's the thing, right? Cause I've gone through the same stuff in my head and it is absolutely the only reason I slag off folk like Elliot and Tom is through my own failings. Like, cause in my head I'm going, you're not working as hard as them. So rather than have a word with yourself, just fucking attack

and slag them yeah yeah so i probably bring them down hands up if we admit that it's toxic yeah it's massively toxic uh and it's no good for yourself either but um but then like you say we we leave it and then we come to those first previews and we're shitting each other going, this is nothing. I did one preview when we punched Drunk Show. It's insane. One preview, what the fuck was I playing at? But then I've done the same where I go, if I worked as hard as them and if I did this earlier,

I mean, would I have a show that would win an award? Or would I have such heightened expectations of how hard I work that just getting me a four star average would fucking hurt my feelings I don't think I would when you see a four star you're buzzing about that you're fucking just achieved above average mark

I'm happy with a B I'm buzzed with a B I don't think if I had that pressure I would be able to because I've tried I have tried some years

to start really really early and I'm getting nothing because there's no jeopardy involved in it I don't have to do it because I know in my mind my mind's

almost like my subconscious is going you've got ages for this so it doesn't matter if this entire week everything you write is ages for this so it doesn't matter if this entire week everything you write is dog shit whereas if it's in three weeks fucking hell this better be gold that you're putting down in every page because the pressure's on yeah you don't you don't try out the ideas you know what you refine you refine the writing process a lot harder when

you know there's like yeah there's one chance i've got to take and i've got to get this right first time the gun to the head method has always worked for me but yeah fuck man i'd love i'd love to the stress isn't the stress is horrible i'd love to already have a show in my back pocket now i've got a day's tweak between now and august see that the problem i have as well is i i always get like self-conscious and stuff that the comics that are doing shows in February and stuff like that are already their show whereas I've got to see some of them and it is literally people with reams and reams of paper not in any order picking one up and going so I was thinking um like you know you know how um the petrol caps are at different sides of your car and uh sometimes you get really confused about which side and you try and put it

in the wrong one and it's not a hole there i thought that might be quite a funny concept no okay do you know i mean like it's literally the most shitty that shouldn't have got past yeah exactly whereas i panic like fuck if i do a show and it's not almost there so i make sure that my show is pretty much there anyway before i preview yeah yeah and i think we're very lucky that we're surrounded by a good filtration like each other i can always put my gags through you through daniel through gareth through ryan like i can always put them through you guys and like whatever comes out the other side of you guys and then goes on stage and now it's gonna work yeah because like i've already

fucking i've already getting it pat tested by my mates exactly yeah yeah so i if i guess if you're just there on your own and you're using your own filter i mean we all seem to have good filters anyway but but i i guess it's a different journey for the comics yeah maybe i mean there will be some people like i know i don't like i imagine it's fairly true but like like the year phil nichol won the main award like he wrote that on the train on the way up like it is literally last minute. Wow. I need to write something. And as well the panic of that. He must be walking right through hell.

That's tortured artist shit. Yeah. If you're going up and writing your Frenchy on the train to Edinburgh, that's made from a different place, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Than the calculated place of the person who waits seven years before the first show because they want to be nominated for the newcomer award. Yeah, so they've got seven years before the fish row because they want to be nominated for the

newcomer award yeah so they've got seven years worth of gold that calculated measure is going to take a lot done a lot of the shine off of the rawness of yeah a lot of the enjoyment out of it as well yeah because i don't like i i've spoken to fred mccauley about this quite a bit and he was talking about like because because there's so much money involved now and because uh it is so corporate and stuff comedy um when people go that first night of the fringe that first week when you might get press people in and all that kind of stuff you need to hit the ground running like those those ones that are classed as previews aren't really previews they're the first nights yeah so you need to hit the ground running like those those ones that are classed as previews aren't really previews they're the first nights yeah so you need to hit the ground running whereas i always want to be

off notes for them yes absolutely when's the thursday friday's a preview whatever the fuck you're like i'm not taking notes on yeah i'm going on and i've remembered me shit at that point yeah it's not a preview yeah exactly yeah but the way it used to be when he was telling me was edinburgh used to be a lot more experimental and a lot more fun in my opinion because you would go up and you'd have an idea of a show and you would do it and then by that you'd polish it because you're doing it every single night and by the end of the fringe you would have a cracking show which you would then take on tour and the audiences enjoyed it because they saw the evolution of that show and it would give them a show that could come back to again exactly they could come at the beginning they could come at the end

everything was so much more relaxed but now it needs to be yeah hit the ground running straight away yeah uh there's a there's so much like i people people are wanting to catch a break and get spotted and be seen and get good reviews and all that like i've i've never tried to i've always tried to like switch off a little bit all of that noise yeah and just think first and foremost that people who've bought tickets exactly come in and got a ticket give them a good product and if anything like that happens around it if someone happens to be in that night and something comes of it like i've had like little breaks like um mary tobin being in one year and then i ended up going

australia for a good run and and there has been things like that that have come off the back of it but i've never went in with the thing of like he has my vision board i want to be seen by somebody that books in australia yeah so like as much as it is a good byproduct of the fringe is these things coming off it i've never had that as my focus no and it's that's not to say i would i don't have that either but i don't that's not to say what the other people do have a five-year plan or a 30-day plan this needs to be done this day this needs to be done this day i need to have achieved this by then you actually see it working for people yeah if it works for you great i've got be good pr campaigns and they end up in like a lot of lists and they end up in a lot

of like joke of the fringes and yeah a lot of people will end up with all of this like heat that starts gathering around them by the end of it and by the end they've like got fucking opportunities in abundance yeah and that comes because they've planned a route through the fringe yeah and I'm never going to get that by just bumbling through caring for the audience I'm never going to get that same No and that's why neither one of them is right it just depends what kind of person you are because

like I've had a comic a couple of years ago I know quite well talking about how they were having like the judges were coming in and a certain reviewer was coming in and they were going and i've been thinking i don't think they'd like this joke so i'm thinking of dropping this joke and putting it and i was like that well now you're showing

utter disrespect for the people that are actually paying you to be there you're what you're changing the entire show to suit four people that aren't giving you any money for a ticket that are getting a free it and you on the off chance that they might prefer this bit because you've second guessed what they're looking for so don't listen to the the crowds you've had already that love and laugh at that bit you're going to drop that because you think the other ones might not like that exactly and it can totally throw you like you know if you were like

oh you're going to have American agents are coming in to see it tonight and then you're like oh I've got a fucking 15 minute bit about Richard and Judy

like fuck yeah I'm never going to get picked up I'm going to have to bring in some old stuff from a new show that completely fucks up

the structure of it you're like you have to just fucking yeah you have to just fucking, you have to just go in there and just do your show and see what happens. I think.

I don't know, Legacy, there's no right answer or wrong answer. There's probably wrong answers. I mean, there's probably wrong answers. That guy that made a massive minge

that squirted, that squirted and had a, Pete Jonas? Pete Jonas, yeah, I think that was That squirted. It had a... Pete Jonas? Pete Jonas, yeah. I think that was his name, yeah. He had a show called Dark Side of the Poon. Yeah. And comics would go to watch it every day.

Yeah. There would always be comics in the crowd just watching this. I never saw the show, but apparently it was quite misogynistic. And then he wheeled out this giant vagina that he made at home in his garage. It squirted. It's water. All the people that were walking by his promo and then he got a he got a zero star review zero star yeah from julia chamberlain who's a good friend of ours yeah and i think she actually said like if she could give minus scores she would have because and then he wrote a rebuttal blog to her saying she should try anal shotgun suicide that's the wrong way to do the fridge yeah yeah yeah like if i was to say there isn't

the wrong way to do it i'm like there there is there's certain points like this i think that's a lot with a lot of things that people have done where you have to look like because there's always a moment self-reflective moment in everybody's life every day where you're brushing your teeth or you're wiping your face at night or you're doing your hair in the morning where you're looking and it's just you looking at yourself in the mirror right and that's where you go what the fuck like there's we both know there's been times on nights out or like there's been times where i've been like i've drunk until like seven in the morning knowing that i've got an hour's sleep before i need to get a train and i've woken up at like quarter to eight and gone i'm gonna have another beer a warm beer just to level myself out so i can manage to make this train and when you're doing that you look at

yourself and go what the fuck is wrong with you like what are you playing at what was the one you'd been on the train you walk up and you're like that you look at yourself and go what the fuck is wrong with you like what are you playing at what was the one you done where you woke up you'd been on the train you woke up and you're like fuck me stop and the train left and you looked over your shoulder and saw the sign for oxen home oxen home yeah in the middle of the yorkshire dales yeah you're just having a pint in oxen home on your own miles from home it wasn't even a family while you're not coming back the night it wasn't even a pint because the next not coming back the night. It wasn't even a pint because the next train wasn't for two hours. It wasn't even a pint. I had to go

to a village shop to get cans of Stella and I just sat at the train station and that, yeah, that was a bit that. I had to get a bag of cans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no other option than getting a bag of cans. It was only cans. I couldn't have just went and had a bite to eat.

I had to go and get fucked. Now, that moment, yes, is where you go, what the fuck have I done wrong? That sitting in a station in Oxenholm, knowing that I've let my family down and that I've let myself down and still drinking a can of... That is nothing compared to sitting in your garage and making a massive vagina so that it can squirt

water at an audience like nothing that's the lowest point of your life when you're putting that much effort into a massive minge like i am cringing about a photo of me with some meatwear on and some boxing gloves trying to show my range and that makes us go yeah and he's got a chisel like how big am I going to make

the clip is it an exaggerated clip or is it a proportional clip what we're going to do right I'm going to need a penny floater I'm going to need

a penny floater right off to the shops so I I'm going to need a penny floater right off to the shops so aye I'm pretty good at the moments that creep up on you out of nowhere

and going yeah I remember when you did this you know if a moment comes up remember when you met an absolute muggy I'd do a real good job

of laughing at it like it was somebody else and not me yeah I didn't take any of it to heart. I didn't ruminate on it. I don't grab hold of that memory, stick to it, let us keep it up at night,

and then feel the need to fucking text that person and apologise seven years later. Yeah, yeah. I never, ever. Them seeds, they plant themselves in my brain all the fucking time. I've never once watered one of them. I've got a good job, I just can't. What a dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What an absolute dickhead. You know, there are people that are laughing at you. Good, they should laugh at you. You're a dick. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Let them laugh. Yeah.

You can't take that laugh away from them or try and undo it. It's like that, the Jim Jefferies line where he talks about how he doesn't trust people that don't drink. And he's like that, the Jim Jefferies line, where he talks about how he doesn't trust people that don't drink. And he's like, because... Pregnant women never trust pregnant women. They've got no stories.

He's like, do you know, every person that doesn't drink, do you know how their story ends? And then I went home. And then I went to bed. I really felt, I was at a wedding in December and there was a couple of my mates who were pregnant I really felt for them

because they were just watching everyone just getting wet and drunk and also I woke up and I was just like oh things I did will actually be remembered there was witnesses you never feel like there was witnesses when everybody's drunk.

No. But it's almost like Big Brother's watching when there's sober people there. Yeah. That's very true, aye. And I'll tell you what's creepy as fuck. Sober people pulling on nights out. God, yeah.

If you're sober and you pull on a night out, you need to look in the mirror like... Aye, aye. You've got proper problems, don't you? You haven't broke any laws. You pulled someone out, it's just really calculated. God, that's a really good point.

It's just super calculated. Look, if you're sober and you pull on a night out, that's not where you should be pulling. You should be pulling on a level playing field. And when you're talking about grey areas, right, there isn't a grey area, but if you feel like it's not where you should be pulling you should be pulling on a level playing field and when you're talking about grey areas right there isn't a grey area but if you feel like it's a grey area turn around you're in the wrong place yeah if ever there's a point where you go that's a grey area isn't it it's a grey area being sober on a night and then pulling someone and all that that's a bit of a grey area isn't it you're like if you feel like the area is grey

back away from the area completely and be just in case the area just in case the climate changes and the line in the sand changes, it's going to change within the grey area, I can guarantee you that. Just in case it suddenly drifts from grey to very black. Black and white. Yeah. What's the so what about two sober

people cooling? On a night out. What's that? If you're on a night out and you're just like oh I'm driving at night oh so am I you're like oh me and Al

you're like oh class let's fucking let's go out for a drink sometime I don't think that's creepy

or too sober people pulling that makes me feel even more sick to be honest it seems incestuous yeah

it seems weirdly incestuous Yeah Yeah it doesn't sit right with me They're all drunk They won't even notice You just sneak off And have a sober Sober kiss

On the sticky dance floor Just go home you fucks I know I know This isn't for you This place isn't for you Oh god I never That's a perfect point

I never thought about Sober people Pulling a night out Because I don't think I ever went out Pulling Before Well

When I When I was going out On the pool And stuff like that All my mates would be drunk So there would never ever Be a sober person anyway Because

At that time None of us had cars So we were getting home Public transport Or a taxi anyway Whereas now You would go out So there would never ever be a sober person anyway. Because at that time, none of us had cars. So we were getting home, public transport or a taxi anyway. Whereas now you would go out on a night out and there would probably be a couple of people to be driving. Yeah, especially at our age, a lot of people have had damage to alcohol and they've quit for good reason.

And so they should with the support of their friends. And they don't want to feel like they can't come out with you. Yeah. It's live and pull. It's weird if you pull a drunk girl yeah yeah god it's really weird isn't it like the more i even think about it it's getting worse and worse oh god i think what about so by the strippers? Oh, no, no,

God, no. And a friend of mine that went out, because people get addicted to the strippers. It's weird that, like, I mean,

it's not weird, it's like, people are going to show you their boobs for a tenner. Yeah, yeah. Perfectly. She's perfectly normal.

I can absolutely rationalise it, it's not weird. But like, I find it weird that you can get addicted to it, right? Yeah. I like going to the strippers

I like chatting chatting down to the lasses at the strippers getting a dance having a drink we are mates it's a laugh right it's a go

I like the strippers right some people love the strippers what about my mates his wife sent him out to get a pizza and while he was waiting for the pizza

while he was waiting for the pizza to get cooked he popped out on the road and had his salad dance and come back and get his pizza and went he was waiting for the pizza to get cooked he popped out on the road and had his salad dance. Oh my god. And come back and collect his pizza and went back to his family.

Jesus. He had a dance. He went to collect pizza and come back stinking of perfume. And he just had to respect it. So it goes but if you could get a shag in in that too oh my god because in that situation

like I wouldn't if I was waiting for a pizza I would go for a pint like if there was a pub nearby I'm just going to nip in there for a pint and then

I would never ever think to go in and get a dance get a quick dance that is unbelievable there would be something too transactional about it as well because normally like if you get on the strip as you're there would be something too transactional about it as well because normally

like if you get on the strip as you're there with a group of mates you like it's it's a chat you're normally there for a good like 15 minutes

before you can get your first dance you know I just walk in just go want dance please I want dance away I'm on the clock here

so if you wouldn't mind hurrying this up aye aye you got a shorter track you kind of dance to this meatloaf track it's seven minutes long and I'm like you clock here, so if you wouldn't mind hurrying this up. Aye, aye. You've got a shorter track. You kind of danced to this Meatloaf track seven minutes long and now I'm picking that line

but fucking come on, it's about out of hell. How you got the radio edit? Have you got the radio edit of this track? We've got like, dance fast, dance fast.

Put it on a different RPM so then you can you're dancing have you got any scooter you fucking scooter on

you're fucking yeah Dan is just giving it the beans oh my god that is that is one of the

that's one of the best stories I've ever heard. Someone going to get a dance while they're waiting for a pizza. I'm not naming names but I had a house of comics that lived with each other at the Fringe and one of the comics went to you every afternoon to say that he was doing some writing.

And one day the comic who told us the story went I'll come out and do a bit of writing with you. I'm going to hit a level where you haven't been writing I'm just going to have an afternoon dance oh my god Jesus Christ oh that's so grim

god Sloth hates the strippers yeah I don't imagine do you use derogatory towards them Sloth hates women I just don't get it I can see I can imagine Danny imagine he used to rub it towards them he slurs hates women he's like I just didn't get

it I don't I can I can see I can imagine Danny

because I've never I've not even been that maybe three times in my entire life

I've been and they've all been they've either been on stag do's or holidays I tell you

if I had a pound for every lap dance I've had I'd spend it all on dances I had a pound for every lap dance I've had I'd spend it all on dances I went to the

strip house in Vegas with Danny a couple of years back and he left us there did he? he left us there because he was like I would have

had a bit of a win the day before so it wasn't like I was fucking dipping into my earnings like from the two to spend at the strip house which was fine anyway like I was fucking dipping into my earnings like from the two out there to spend at the strippers which are fine anyway

but I was like it's free dances so I was like it's free money I would take money in Vegas I leave it in Vegas and I whack away I've had a free Vegas right

and I was like I'll go out to the strippers and then I went to the strippers and I go to dance and then I come back to my seat and there's like a full drink he's fucked off there's a full drink

and he's fucked off and he was like where you wanted to go at the strippers and once you were there and he was like where you wanted to get the strip bars and once you were there and you were in and you were dancing

you can't ditch someone at the strip bars I was high as fuck as well man I was stoned it was afternoon so it was the

Tuesday shift so there wasn't even that much atmosphere there it was like by the way the strip bars even in Vegas

the strip bars on the Tuesdays like they're not the weekend premium that was going to be my point like because I would do it in Vegas because it's part of the

Vegas experience because then suddenly you feel like you're in a 50 cent video or something like that it's not it's not like the in Edinburgh the pubic triangle yeah where somebody comes round with a fucking are you money laundering the pubic triangle. It's five hour dance. Yeah, where somebody comes round with a fucking...

Are you money laundering? Yeah, I know. Somebody, I've seen... You can't even make rent with a fiver. Like,

oh God, like I've heard, like I've heard pals that have been in there and they said like someone comes round, like one of, after a dance,

one of them came round with like a pitcher, an empty pitcher and guys were putting 50 peas in. Coins running around. Coins on glass oh god

like but Vegas a different kettle of fish that's different animal isn't it yeah he dinged us there he was like

I just didn't get it he was like it's not it's simulation it's not real it's not happening I'm like aye but you

you play FIFA yeah like it's not really a football match that's happening I can see Danny's because Danny's not really a football match that happened I can see Danny's because Danny's got quite a kind of analytical

and dismissive mind so I can see him I can see what if I had to pick someone of all of us that wouldn't have enjoyed it yeah

definitely him so whereas if I was to pick someone that would go well he was waiting for a pizza right Tom aye Tom even if he wasn't waiting for a pizza. Tom. Aye, Tom.

Even if he wasn't waiting for a pizza. Aye. I mean, Tom is waiting for a pizza. In fact, they're making nine pizzas that have given ten minutes. They think he's going back to a party.

He's going back alone. I'm fat shaming my friend this is what's happening see this is how like say Garv and Matty enjoy the strippers they like the experience where the girl comes up

and sits next to you sits on your knee pretends to be your friend pretends that you're special pretends that there's all these other guys in here but i'm so glad you're walking i feel like i can be myself with you using my real name i'm

not really called ruby carla karen yeah they give up gavin gavin matty love the girls that give up their real name put themselves a bit i love the way you picked ruby as an exotic name i'm not really called Ruby. Ruby, I didn't think you were called fucking Ruby. Because you're not a woman that fought in the 50s, for fuck's sake. Ruby. You didn't make the munitions for the soldiers. Ruby.

You went working in the factory where the men were at war. This is my stripper, Nelly. I was trying to think of a gemstone. I'm named Sylvia. My name isn't really Sylvia. I'll let you know, love, my name's not really Doris. I'm actually a Sarah.

I didn't pick a strip I didn't fill an hour not all me bits work on this podcast they're like the ones that like reveal a little bit about themselves that like get to know them they're like the girlfriend

experience right and then when the girl takes them for a dance they feel like they've connected with that person right I look at it this way.

You know, if I was walking down the street, right, and any girl went, here for a tenner, I'll show you me funny. I'd be like, well, you want to go to the catch point? You take a Scottish note, is that like it? You take a Scottish note. They just think I'm curious to see people's bits

see that the like I say the lack of time I've had in them but the chat beforehand that's the worst

that'd be the worst bit for me because I'm not I'm not very good at small talk I'm not very good at speaking to people I don't know

I've got to go to a bit of chat where I just tell them that I'm really shy when've got to go to a bit of chat where I just tell them that I'm really shy when I talk to girls but I never play it like I'm obviously not but I just say the words

when I'm dead shy when I talk to girls I feel really bashful that's me bit get their nerves so anyway shall we get on the strutters after this That's me bit. Get their nips. So anyway, shall we get on the strutters after this? Five past one.

I'll tell you how much my life's changed from strippers. I was with Peggy. Peggy's a stripper name in my world. Peggy. My name's actually Peggy's a stripper name in my world. Peggy. My name's actually Peggy. It's Crystal. It's Misty. We took Peggy to puppy classes.

This is a gear change. We took her to a church in Glasgow to have puppy classes and it didn't really go that well. You've seen how excitable she is when you come in, haven't you? You know when he came in the door and she's like, hello, are you? I'm on record on this podcast slagging off them kind of dogs so hard. It's really calmer that I ended it's really karma that i ended up

with a dog that'll go on wild and squeak demand your love and maybe standing there going well love me dog then love me dog that we are do yeah because i've literally sent me stall out fucking karma come at me fucking hard with this dog this dog loves people loves other animals loves kids right she's a fucking pest. She pests those people. And then after a couple of minutes, it fucking calms down and you've seen how she is. Like, you've been here for a little bit now.

Yeah, yeah. She's just lying on her back in the kitchen with a man in a belly rub. Yeah, yeah. And she chills out, right? She's like, she listens to commands and she's got a good intelligence

where she knows what all the words mean and she knows what to do to get a treat and all that, right? But for that five minutes when she meets somebody, all bets are off. She's fucking gone wild for five minutes and I haven't really figured out yet how to settle it down. So we'll go into this class

where everybody gets a little section of the church that's kind of these tents or barriers. That's your bit. There's your dog bowl. Put your blanket down there. That's where you're going to get them to settle and they say six of them maybe so six of them are taking up a portion of the church each like miles from their dogs and so they're trying to they're teaching their granny how to suck eggs they're trying to get us to the sit and they're trying to get us to the um oh, what's it, just basic, basic recall. Yeah.

Right? Which I know Peggy can do, but only after that fucking first five minutes of meeting people. Right? And the whole time, she's on the lead,

trying to get the dog out of there, trying to get the dog out of there, trying to get the dog out of there, just going, will you just fucking let us get to one of these dogs so I can settle down? Aye.

And we kind of met contact with, I've got my masks on and all that in this church and she's just fucking going bananas for these other dogs while I'm trying to get taught

to do tricks that she can already be. Yeah. That must be like walking a kid into Disneyland for her though. Aye. Because when you present her

with five other dogs and then five other strangers she must be like she wouldn't know what to go for first. Aye. I just wanted to go because some of the other dogs were the same.

Some of them were less interested in the other dogs. The one opposite was just as bad as Peggy was. In fact, weirdly, Peggy was trying to get there playfully, and it looked like this was, I'm sure it was like just a poodle, right? I don't think it was a cross, and if it was, it was like 90% poodle. But it was about like five, six times the size of Peggy, right there. And it was just,

it didn't look like it wanted to play. It looked like it was hungry. It was like, it had a deeper voice. Yeah. It was a lot more like, yeah. So this dog wanted to eat my dog and my dog wasn't getting the memo and just wanted to play with it.

And, and part of us wanted to be gone. Can we just let the dogs just fucking yeah five minutes can we just have five minutes where they like where they get to know each other

have a little bit of crack but like let off some steam and then get back I basically spent an hour just with Peggy just going fucking bananas on a lead

that was like fucking having a cat on a lead yeah and so do they like is it different the second time is it a little less

I'm hoping that it's got a diminishing returns on how fucking like I'm hoping that was just like it's a four week course I'll get them to settle on the blanket by putting treats on the blanket you don't even say settle you just put the treats on every time they look at it put another treat on

I'm like why on earth is she ever gonna look at that blanket when there's fucking playmates exactly yeah there's playmates literally everywhere so we just start there fucking masks on like peggy no one find well she's not gonna look back or i showed that one come no one find well that because this is the thing with treats right if you're meant to give them treats it's like this is the high value thing you'll do anything

for this thing but if she wants to play with that dog she wants to play with that dog more than she wants this treat yeah exactly yeah

so this treat means fucking jack shit I can put it right in front of my nose yeah because that's the treat now that's yeah there's a higher

value reward thing going on in the room you know yeah it was like I was just saying I've got thing going on in the room you know it was like I was just like I've got any it was one of them moments where I was like

I've had this dog for a good few months now and I feel like I've got any control over her yeah but then when you when you see her on the hoose and all that

like she's grand but that must be it may just be puppy energy I don't know I've been there adolescent as well I've got the idea but it was one of them moments

where I was just kind of like I hope I haven't fucked up this dog like I hope I haven't just got a badly trained dog but then surely that's that's the whole purpose of the lessons yeah we do training with that every single day like three times a day yeah 15 minutes because i imagine regardless of how excitable she was she would have been the most mental dog that they've ever had at this thing

or or was it specifically mentioned she is the most mental dog that we have ever had at this thing I mean

I think she was the most mental dog there right she was definitely the most mental dog there that must be quite embarrassing

like it's like it's like when my kids like kick off in the embarrassing like it's like it's like when my kids like kick off in the supermarket like it's proper yeah I

I can imagine that if like if because it was it was just like that but what's the worst thing your kids have done

to embarrass you have they done anything where you're just like they're not normally like this nah not too bad because they normally you can normally remove them from it but you feel it's it's more of a kind of societal thing where you do generally feel are people judging you as if uh is he trying to steal a child? Like, you know, and they're really going mental. And there could be times where they're not just, like, it's not like the stereotypical American film

where they're on their back hammering like that. They are properly screaming at you. No, leave me alone, leave me alone. And if you only heard that audio, you'd go, somebody's trying to steal that child. So you do start to get a bit self-conscious that is someone going to step in here and go can i see some kind of identification to prove that that is actually your child so i fucking so because people people's mentality

will be like what if i'm right not what if i'm wrong like nobody's mentality is going to be like oh he's probably not stealing a kid yeah everyone will be like I'll not sleep at night unless I fucking just keep an eye on this situation yeah yeah yeah somebody

yeah so I the worst thing is the situation looking looking terrible yeah yeah

and I mean it makes it worse the fact I've got an erection the whole time as well so you're kissing them I would say that when the dog ran into the school when you were a

kid do you remember that it fucking blew your mind yeah because you're like oh my god the fucking dog's running into the

school yeah like you're attacking the boot all day and cancer everything happened to my

kids a couple of weeks ago a dog went into the playground yeah like a bit dodgy because nobody knows that dog isn't

like it might not be well trained it might be a bad like a bad dog fucking somebody could get hurt but chances are it's just going to be exciting for everybody yeah yeah yeah

I've only ever looked at that situation from the point of view of the kid in the school because that's like the only side of it I've been on I would be

fucking mortified if I just dropped the lead and Peggy ran into the school and I just have to walk into that schoolyard full of kids with me puppy. In the glass shutter. Yeah. Just a 40 year old man in me fucking waterproof fucking hiking gear with a puppy of cavapoo and all these kids getting dead excited and the teachers come out and I'm like it's not our lunch but you've essentially

got in with a fishing net and just like cast the dog out I guess that's when I was talking to Natalie but she was like oh that wouldn't even cross my mind at all I'd be like dead excited about like the kids seeing Peggy and I'd walk away with Peggy it wouldn't cross my mind at all

and I was like I think I've just discovered female privilege yes that's female that is female privilege right there

female privilege is you can go innocently into a schoolyard full of kids and show them you're probably on a level

that it should be enjoyed at yeah as a bloke just yeah as innocent as it is just divin' to it yeah that's a good way I mean the balance is still very much at us

male privilege higher wages, more respect more power but you get to go in there I wasn't putting a feather on the scales of justice I wasn't puttinging you get to go I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't putting a feather

on the scales of justice I wasn't putting a feather on the scales of justice and go see

see women women have privilege too we have achieved equality here we've each we've each got a weight

in the scales so that's that's been because it hasn't not much time has passed since I last saw you because you're going to the Isle of Arran with the family so we're recording Monday's podcast a week in advance pretty much so we've got it in the can

which I want to talk about the islands in Scotland shortly as well a couple of things that have happened since I last saw you is I found out that male dogs can ejaculate when they're leg humping there you go

one of our listeners I knew it one of the listeners dog humped their friend's jacket and left a spunk stain on it that was still there very much to this day

nice so they're going oh there's jazz's spunk on your jacket it's a fact that dogs love jazz jazz jazz I love your jacket I far as the dogs go jazz jazz jazz

jazz I love your jacket I hope I haven't butchered your story the way you tell it on a scanty little Instagram I will reply to you I've got this really bad habit of reading things

that people send us on Instagram and not replying because the replying like it takes up a bit of time and like also the conversation and you don't mean enough to them

so I often just go I'm just scanning my phone and like well I'm having a shit but I'm not like sitting doing for half an hour with my coffee to deal with my correspondence reply to correspondence so I should have replied

but I have read your message also my results come back from the dentist and I showed you the time lapse video yeah that's so cool it's so cool I'm getting my teeth straightened with this like

it's not Invisalign it's a company called Seafast so it's so cool i'm getting there i'm getting my teeth straightened with this like it's not invisalign it's a company called see fast so it's like the it's like the two stripe knockoff version it's not it's the it's the knockoff uh but they didn't pump as much money at all um marketing so it's less expensive but it does the exact same thing um these invisible braces so you get like you get these composites that put on your teeth which uh the charlie tell braces so you get these composites that you put on your teeth which Charlie told us

you get these composites on your teeth and then you do the thing and he's like just a second you know what

composites are and I was like nah and he was like if there's anything that I'm saying that you don't oh like

just please ask let's just talk gibberish to you try and understand what I'm saying the fuck are these teeth thing you keep talking

so composites are these like kind of like millimetre by one mill one millimeter things that they put them, like what you would get with braces. Right, okay. Teeth. Oh, they'd be tight.

Yeah, yeah. And then you get these like invisible gum shields that I click to it. And you'll get like a sequence of them over the course of like 20 weeks or whatever. They replace them and it'll be slightly different shape and it pulls them out. But what they do give you is like a visual like 3D rotation of your jaw and you can press play and it'll

do like a time lapse of the 20 weeks of your teeth straightening up and how fucking good is it to watch it's amazing how rewarding it is it's probably

addictive to watch as well it's cathartic isn't it I've watched it over a hundred times I'm like if anybody ever gets one of them like

videos please send us the link yeah i think that's like my new fucking kink now yeah i just say i just want to watch people's teeth straightening up in time lapse so they like i kind of get hard with it and am i right in telling you get these sent through the post like each of the clear braces they'll get they'll get sent through I believe so unbelievable man isn't that great that's class it's changed days

aye it is it's changed days I was chatting to Gav everybody was like we're gonna be this Benjamin Button generation where like you fucking just sort yourself out

get yourself fixed yeah and it actually put us on I found that Bill Bear link and sent it to Gav have you seen the Bill Bear

three minute four minute bit about plastic surgery about the first ones over the trenches getting it done oh god oh my god he's like he says he saw like a guy that had like hair surgery he looked great and he's waffling his hair around and all that and he's like i wish i got this done 10 years ago and he's like no you don't whether just get you in a headlock and staple it next to your head. I can't do impressions. Go ahead and just Google Bill Burr plastic surgery or Bill Burr hair transplant.

It's fucking one of the greatest bits. Because one of the bits that got us the most, because you know how he does act outs and stuff, right? He sends someone away with a fucking face done, right? It's like he's the surgeon. And then he turns around and he goes, what did we do wrong? We followed every step.

I thought we'd done it perfectly. We made it. Oh, sorry. Here's your keys, sir. And he had, in the bit, he had the person come back into the surgery while the surgeons were fucking talking about the disaster they've just made

in the guy's face. Oh, brilliant. Because I can embrace you, like, surgery while the surgeons were fucking talking about the disaster they've just made because because i get braces like that my teeth were worse than they were when i was younger yeah you say because i was born right with um teeth yeah it was not my teeth i was because i've got an overbite right you know i was born with my jaw, like, way back here. So you've had work done on the overbite? Yeah, so the braces I had had to, like, because a lot of people, my front teeth are actually quite straight, they're big,

they're quite straight and they go straight down, whereas a lot of people's, like, protrude outwards. So their braces are to bring them back in. You know, you've got a tooth that's twisted. That was to bring them back when you know you've got a tooth that's twisted yeah that was to do it was bring back in my brace was to pull my jaw forward so did you have one of them that comes out yes no it wasn't attached to it but it was something i could take it in and i've never seen one of them in real life i want to see them in like self park yeah yeah no that i mean this was a big thing that i could it wasn't like train tracks it wasn't fixed committees but it was a big massive thing that i used it wasn't like train tracks, it wasn't fixed to my teeth, but it was a big,

massive thing that I used to be able to, I would wear all day and then I would take it out to eat and I would take it out when I was sleeping. And it was basically, it basically forced the jaw forward. So that, like,

I couldn't used to be able to touch my bottom teeth and my front teeth. So, but then, the way you would do it is, you used to get impressions right and what it was was

they'd fill up these gum shields with pink sludge it was like like modelling clay this is what I had done yeah so they still do that

and they sluice it down onto your and then it waits there until it hards and then it's and then it sluice it back onto your and then it waits there until it hards and then it's and then it sluice it back up yeah it's disgusting like it makes you like there's so many times I gagged

when I was doing it because there's a lot of shit in it this is your thing you kind of suck a dick if you try it yeah yeah yeah yeah this is you realising how bad the covid test is going to be in the future so do they still do the wee hot bit of wax

where they heat up a bit of wax and then it's like pink wax and then they put it and you bite down on it and that gives your impressions of the top of your teeth. Even though I just got it done recently, I don't know if I've suppressed the memory,

but I think he held it in. Yeah. He held it in, I think. I mean, it's cool the sound it makes when it takes off because it's a squelch. I don't think it was hot wax, though. It was more like a putty.

Ah, see, I thought... I think it was was like i mean it'd be a lot more advanced now but i didn't i know i didn't realize that i thought it was all computerized like i thought they would just take photos of your oh they did take x-rays as well yeah they took like x-rays and then they got the impressions and they fucking sent it all over to this lab and then like a month later like well i got it done towards the end of december at the beginning of january because i remember that when i got when we did the boxing um i to buy a gum shield hi first of all first of all i didn't know i thought i'd have to send off for a gum shield but then i was kind of searching about and i was like oh like jd spokes get them anywhere we'll do a gum shield but then i didn't realize well is it there's a standard gums shield but it is

a thing you put you put in boiling hot water I fucked me I fucked me gums the first time I did one I joined third's rugby club

and I'd never wore a gums shield before and you needed one for the rugby I don't know if you need one but recommended and I took it straight out of the kettle water

you know when you put it in the boiling water and then straight onto your straight into my fucking oh you just scalded your gut and sucked him in and I was just like Jesus

I just thought like you just had to brace the pain like I can't do and I was just like oh fuck this is fucking hard gums were bleeding and all that burnt me gums oh god

you still got your gum shield from the I think I do I've got a different one because I've been through a few I've trained for quite a bit as well after the boxing do I've got a different one because I've been through a few I've trained for quite a bit as well

after the boxing so I've got one upstairs I don't know how hygienic it

is to put one back in when you haven't used it for a year well it's just been

under your bed getting kicked about the floor it's literally in my white eye bag which

I haven't used any of my kit since I moved from London that'll be disgusting

it's probably like fruit trays growing out of my mouth. Figs. You're ringing? Oh, am I ringing? You've got kids, you should answer that. That's an unknown number. Unknown number. Aye.

Just let it run. Do you want a minute? Sorry. Because last time that happened on the podcast, when you guessed it on it, you ended up having to pick Seamus up from school. Yeah. Yeah.

But I had one of the teachers. Yeah, he'd taken his gun to school and shot the classroom. Oh, you're worried. Well, kids will be kids, man. Kids will be kids. You've just got to hear that one. He'll be fine. He'll be all right, as long as he doesn't be kids, man. Kids will be kids. You've just got to hear that one. He'll be fine.

He'll be all right, as long as he doesn't, like, go in any favour. Shoot up real people. So that's what happened since I saw you. I've got my teeth results back and I took Peppy

to puppy class. Peppy. I keep calling him... Peppy? My granddad's old dog was called Peppy. That's a cool name for took Peppy to puppy class. Peppy. I keep calling him... Peppy? My granddad's old dog was called Peppy. That's a cool name for a dog. Yeah, good, Peppy. Give us a minute.

That mysteriousness. Peppy. Yeah, Peppy. Peppy little pew. Which does not stand the test of time. No, no. No, sirree. I feel like

I keep it's like if I call if I call Natalie by like my ex's name I feel like I keep doing that I keep doing that

to my dog and I'm just like your ex was called Pepe as well same person look I used to get out with my grandad's dog

so I've I've had all that action you've been kicking about with Les Dennis I did Les Dennis

in the radio show that I host which is weird he's a lovely lovely guy really nice shout out the radio show can they watch it

can they listen yeah yeah it's on the BBC sounds app it's called the good the bad and the they watch it can they listen yeah yeah it's on the BBC sounds app it's called the good the bad and the unexpected and it's like a

it's like a cross between a chat show and a panel show that I do every week and you've been on it a couple of times I love it and it's

because lockdown happened we used to do it in front of an audience live audience and then when lockdown like at a stand or something yeah yeah yeah and the when lockdown happened... Like at a stand or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when lockdown happened,

obviously we couldn't be on venues, so we were doing it online. And online opens you up to a range of guests that you would never have had before because you don't have to pay... They don't have to leave the house. Yeah, they're so more willing to do it because it'll take two hours out of their day

and they can sit in their kitchen or in their bedroom and do it you don't need to pay for transport you don't need to pay for hotel rooms so the the the show saves money and stuff like that so he opens you up to this and so just to let american listeners know uh the les dennis is the guy who does our family fortunes Oh yeah, Family Feud Family Feud With Steve God, what's his name He was the guy that fucked up the Miss World Announcement

I don't know about this What's his name I don't have any signal on my phone Steve something And he was announcing It was either miss america or the miss world and he basically said like the winner is miss venezuela it's dynamite and uh she goes up so chuffed and then he can read it he'd read the card wrong going no actually it's Miss

Columbia and so she's sitting back like that's not the one and then the sheer devastation in Miss Venezuela's face because a guy came up and had to take the crown off her and then going it's like it's so bad you serpent Miss World

yeah he was a comedian as well I can't remember the guy's name he was a comic too yeah he was a comedian as well I can't remember the guy's name he was a comic too yeah he was a comic yeah and so so yeah we

we now are able to get these guests and it started off we would get like higher like high profile British comedians

that we would normally have not been able to get and now it's gone into actual like proper fucking celebrities. Like TV personality, like game show hosts. Yeah, so we've started getting people that have cool stories.

Radio DJs. Yeah, so we've had, I mean, we had Tony Hadley, who's the lead singer of Spandau Ballet on. We had Eddie the Eagle Edwards on, which was class. I was scared of him. Have you? Because he was talking about... I was bored.

He was talking about Altitude, actually, when he was on and the best one we had don mclean who wrote and sang american pie and uh like when the producer texts me did he ask him how he felt about uh tyson fury oh god i didn't even know we talked about the madonna cover it was when tyson fury went into the second verse like everyone was singing along with him after the wilder thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone was singing along with him, and then he was like, verse two, and you're like, is he going to do the whole song?

Yeah, yeah. Is he going to do the whole nine-minute song here? But yeah, he was, that was one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had in my life, because he didn't really have a clue what was going on he's this millionaire i mean multi-millionaire american american artist who's had like i'm a drug adult to fuck 70s and then it's just like going on tour again and he thought it was like a promo thing that he was he thought it was going to be like one of those junkets where you just do

loads of interviews and suddenly he's playing this panel show and he's got like pre-prepared you've got to have pre-prepared stuff for that yeah you get given like yeah yeah yeah yeah so and we only had we only had him for an hour so the producer was like get as much as you possibly can out of him from her ask him about american pie ask him what's about ask him how much money he's made from it so i'm shoehorned shit and he can't really understand me to the point where the producer who is scottish but grew up in croydon and has an english accent came on at the end and went thanks very much for that don and he went oh i can understand you now and he went yeah that's because i'm not mark so he was like he didn't understand a fucking word i said the whole time and then and then the producer come in from the gods yeah yeah and he

was like ah like as if a as if some kind of translation app had just been put on to translate the scottish accent put in the the babel fish in his ear yeah yeah and he sang he sang halfway through the because shappy cursandy was on it as well and how's she doing i haven't seen her in a while she's grand i uh and uh halfway through they're talking i think it was her or jean mcgarry who was also a scottish actress um we're doing their story and suddenly don mclean at an over just goes mark i want to sing you a song right and i was like all right and he just made up improvised this song like i was being serenaded is this on the radio this is on the radio people can listen to this people can listen to this i

got serenaded by the guy that wrote american pie it's it's honestly surreal that's great fun but surreal fucking unreal right well we're wrapping up this podcast now we'll do some dad jokes but that's if everybody's still

got fucking stuff to do and your podcast has come to an end go straight on to BBC Sounds and get that for American

listeners we had the lead singer of the Spin Doctors who's an American guy called Chris Barron the Spin Doctors are still pretty big

over there do reunion tours and all that kind of shit so he was awesome he was a first episode of this series i think so that'll be up there right here it is right let me see if i get any notes i've still i've still got my notes of uh if anybody's listening you're not a patron there we've done an episode we're just before we recorded this one, so it'll be up now, you'll be able to get it now on Patreon we've done a telling each other stuff we might not know, so we just went

into the depths of the internet and tried to find out shit that we'd be bringing to the table that did you know this, and we've done an hour of just sharing shit that we thought the other one might not know, it was a fun podcast, you can get that now over on Patreon for just three quid Right, Guy your dad got his nipple pierced on holiday it was a fun podcast you can get that now over on Patreon for just three quid right

Guy your dad got his nipple pierced on holiday once the holiday was in Blackpool we died

used to go to the whole Mr Blackpool he did you know they'd all get the buses there wouldn't they

all the fucking factory workers now that we can trips away to Blackpool when your dad gets out of the bath he uses anti-wrinkle

cream on his pruned fingers your dad's party trick is farting the hole of hot in here by Nelly your dad once laid an egg and when it hatched it was you in the hole of hot in here by Nelly. Your dad once laid an egg and when it hatched it was you.

Your dad eats pizzas from the inside out. That's what you're meant to do. No, you know. You take a slice of it. Fuck, so you did. I was laughing away and I was like. I was thinking like it was like a a circle and you would start with a

knife and fork I didn't explain that one particularly well your dad has a blowhole on the top of his head like a whale

and he blows tea out of it after every swing right this is the last one I've got your dad still has a favourite page 3 girl it was Becky 19 from Skegness she's dead now

old age old age Connor your dad uses the water from his boiled eggs to make his coffee right Andrew thanks for that Mark cheers I'll see you all on Thursday enjoy

enjoy the Isle Arran with the family and I wanted to ask you about the islands because I've been living up in Scotland for like a year oh talk about it I haven't been out

any of them so let's talk all about it talk about it next week bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye