Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Run Muggle, Run!

Episode Date: February 16, 2017

Cream and Garf back in your ears after re-doing this podcast because the first one was a bit rubbish coz of two brutal hangovers. Never claim that we don't have quality control again. We talk birthdays, ponytails and fitbits. Bantz bantz bantz

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream. That's our intro. Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? And we are back. It's me, Daniel Sloss,

aka Crane, for another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. My guest today is Garth. Garth Waugh. Hello. Yeah. Now, I have two things to bring up. First of all, this is our second attempt.

Yes. At doing this podcast. And this one, we have slept for a full proper amount of time. So we recorded an episode on Tuesday because we're very, very prepared. And it was shit. Probably. We haven't listened

back, but we were extremely hungover from the night before. We recorded it and I think it was just two bleak, hungover, sad little boys not making punchlines out of fucking anything. No. So for the good of our listeners, we decided...

It was a lot of setups. Oh, yeah. A lot of setups and zero punchlines. It was like pitching... Underarm throwing. Underarm pitching to a one-armed three-year-old who didn't understand the rules. We didn't even swing.

Just leave it. Yeah, the kid just being distracted by pollutants at his own birthday party. Just lots of dead air, dead jokes. There was as much energy in a little battery. Yeah, it was not great. So we thought we'd do it again, try again, and hopefully this

one will be a smidgen. Banter? Yeah, banter bus has arrived it's already better and I also caught myself doing one of the things this is a very strict rule I have I don't know if it's just me I know my dad does it so I don't know if it's genetic but see what fucks me off about some people

see when you turn the volume up on the TV right it's allowed to be an even number. Yes. Or multiples of fives. And fives. Right. Jean, I love her.

I love her with all my heart. Sometimes she'll turn the volume up to 49. And I'm like, I'm going to fucking murder you. So stupid, isn't it? I know I'm the sociopath in that situation everything's got to be perfect but i can't trust yeah like that's the easiest thing in your life to have organized is volumes of things and just people just let it sit at 41 just fleeting how leasing how can that not bother you you slob 77 my car volume knob thing for the stereo's got the power symbol on it and if it's not pointing directly up oh you can't listen to music of course

so because i've got a power uh volume thing on my steering wheel i can turn up and down there and that stays perfect but then when there's passengers in the car they'll turn up and i'll go fucking back put it back before I crash this car. Yeah, I will wrap us around a fucking lamppost. And somebody was like, why are you being weird? I went, it's not weird. I mean, it is. It's tidy.

But yeah, it is weird, but I find it weirder when other people don't have that. Yeah. Imagine how calm they must be all the time, just letting things. Well, then they were like, they time just letting things well then they were like they turned up the heat and then they went does that bother you and i was like well no because that's like it's heat it's red it's not like it doesn't have to be sat perfectly in the middle and they were like that doesn't make sense it was like yes it does it makes perfect sense with volume has to be a perfect level yeah but the worst people are there like you've got ocd you're like

no no i don't know that's That's insulting to people with OCD. OCD is not being able to leave the house for an hour because you need to turn on the light switches a certain amount of times. It's not me enjoying my volume at a human level. I just can't stand it. It freaks me out.

It is weird. I don't know why it makes me uncomfortable but it does. And it's not muggly. It bothers me right now thinking about it. Like, thinking that, like a TV, somebody's maybe listening to this on 49, and I'm going, look, can you just fix it, please? Oh, yeah. Please just fix it.

See if someone on their iPhone, see if it's like they're listening to it on their iPhone, and they're just two volume clicks away from the top level. Just put it off full. Come on. It's not going to hurt. It's not hurting that much, is it? We're not porn.

We're definitely not porn. You don't need to have a small... No. Pump it up. Let us eat. I remember one time I had a very, very weird freakout. And there's zero logic behind this. But I've told other guys it.

And they were like, Oh, you know, I get where you're coming from i was having a piss in the toilet in a public urinal i don't know what happens i don't know why there's a certain age you get to where he's spitting toilets yeah i always saw older men doing it and now i do it i don't need to but it's just been in my head like that's what that's an adult man thing to do he's put the toilet replenish Replenish the saliva. Yeah, just, yeah. So I was there and I did a spit and it was one of those dangly spits.

Yeah. Right? And I'm like, oh, cool. Those are fun. Everyone enjoys one of those. Yeah. But then it started getting closer and closer to the pee.

And I started panicking. I was like, the second that connects. The pee's going to run up the spit. That was my exact thought. Yep. That pee was going to run up that bit of saliva Into my mouth And I'd be peeing in my own mouth

And I had a little freaking freak out at the urinal Just like Shaking it like a Rock roller with a toddler Do you ever worry when you're in a public toilet And you're maybe having a poo that somebody will take a photo of you No That's why I shut the door That's that fear gone when you're in a public toilet and you're maybe having a poo that somebody will take a photo of you? No. I sometimes panic.

That's why I shut the door. Yeah, yeah, but like, if there's the gap at the top of the cubicle, I'll be like, ah, somebody's going to stand on the top of the next and take a photo. I don't know why, but I sometimes think that and I go,

That's the sort of thing I would do to friends and stuff. Yeah. Like, would take a photo of them shitting or peeing. I don't know why I would but I think the thought of strangers would be like I caught you pooing

it's like cool it shouldn't bother me but I always think every time I sit down I go oh man somebody's going to take a photo of this if I'm in a public toilet I always have to aim my butthole to the side of the toilet because I don't want the I don't want the pop put i don't want the the catching net the little that's polite yeah the silencer yeah just my poo lands like david

blaine after he jumped off the top of that really tall thing and told those boxes just i poo hammock little poo hammock to keep things there do you reckon um and checking girls do that sort of thing as well? I mean, they must do. I reckon so. I've seen girls do the thing with the toilet roll where they put it on the seat all the way around. That I never got.

Like, I'm not. I've not put it in my... I don't know why girls do it. What girls pissing on the seat? Yeah, that, yeah. Because you... If anything, it makes sense for us to do it yeah and we don't

because we're monsters but in my head girl toilets are clean all the time aye like and I know that's like a weird

sort of it's not really sexism but it also kind of is like I I imagine women are trusted to have carpets in public toilets

I've seen a carpet in a ladies toilet when I worked in a pub they had a carpet in a ladies toilet and a little chair just to sit down yep

or just to talk to each other with one of them must have been well I guess that's yeah that's why they go in pairs a comfy seat it's just little magazines

yeah men can't be trusted with anything and some public toilets I reckon some girl wants it rancid but some of the boy ones you've been to I did a gig

in Aberdeen on Bankery two weeks ago and then the guy's toilets i went into the cubicle and there was a chair next to the toilet and i was like what the is that for how did oh what you may have a just directly across no it was like beside it as well hey hey if you're and i, I'm sitting, okay? I just, I need to be in the same position as my boys at all points.

Sorry to interrupt this conversation. I'm just going to nip to the toilet. Oh, can we? What? Oh, no, just sit.

I'm not going to watch. That would be totally weird. Like, I understand, like, because it's such a dad thing that goes like, oh,

I'll come with you. Imagine if you're a bloke. Oh, come here. Oh, do you need as well no no no

I'll just just freshen up I just thought I'd miss you you thought you'd be gone for five minutes yeah five minutes we could spend together though alright

I'll just keep you safe I don't feel safe no I know I'll come with you you'll be fine it's alright I'm not gonna watch yeah I know

I'm just I'm not worried about you watching yeah I'm just everything about it that's the person who's gonna take photos over the top of the cubicle I'll I'm just I'm not worried about you watching Yeah I'm just Everything about it That's the person Who's going to take photos Over the top of the cubicle

I'll come with you I'd rather you didn't Oh let's share this moment Selfie Popping her head Underneath the door You alright in here? Yeah

Got everything you need Have you ever done that After the other thing We have to ask Like the neighbouring cubicle For a toilet paper I No

And here's the thing I don't think I could No I'd be a great fear Like if I ran out of toilet roll I'd have to be like in a cubicle for a toilet paper? No. And here's the thing. I don't think I could. No? I'd be a great fear. If I ran out of toilet roll, I'd have to be like, well, these boxers are getting ruined.

Just taking off a sock. I'd rather have dirty underwear than be socially normal. Oh, I could totally do that. That doesn't bother me. Hey, buddy. You got any toilet roll? Couldn't do it. Nah?

Nah. Just a little level of social anxiety Not comfortable It's fully admitting Vulnerability Because you've got your bockies down at your ankles Their life is in Your life is in their hands

Excuse me Zach Could you make the rest of my date not awful Could you make sure the rest of it's not shit? No pun intended. No, and if anybody asked me, I would totally pass them. I would go full hostage situation. How much does it mean to you?

I could be like, sorry, I could see your wallet sticking out the back of your trousers which are down at your ankle. How many tens you got in there? Put it this way, give me the tens or you'll be wiping it with them you're losing them either way one of our one of our friends um one of our friends who will remain nameless uh was in a toilet having a having a poo and uh also while having a poo was having a a having a poo. Uh-huh. And also while having a poo, was having a line of drugs off of his phone.

Right. So he's having a line of drugs, and he's got his rolled up 20 pound note, and he snorts the line, and he puts his phone in his pocket, and when he's done shitting, he's just getting two jobs done at once. Yeah.

He wants to do a bit of drugs, and he's having a poo. So he finishes the drugs first, puts his phone in his pocket, and then when he's having a poo. So he finishes the drugs first, puts his phone in his pocket and then when he's done shitting, accidentally, just out of habit, wiped his arse with a £20 note. Oh, I do know this story. Because it was just in his hand.

Yeah, you do know this story, so you know who it's about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What do you do? I mean, 20s you wash. For me, there's a certain number, there's a certain amount of money that you do

certain stuff with if I drop anything under 20p not picking it up I'll pick it up

no I hate fucking and I know it comes from a good place see when you drop like one or two

pence and an old person goes you dropped it I'll be fine I'll live like I know

in your head that might be I don't think I'm picking up for the value I'll pick up because I'll live. Like, I know in your head that might be... I don't think I'm picking up for the value. I'll pick up because otherwise it's like littering. Really? Coin littering, yeah. Coin littering?

I guess so. So do you just look at people at fucking wishing wells and fountains being like, this is disgraceful. There's fish in there that are going to choke on those. Yeah, it's fine. But like, if you drop it in a place, then you've got to pick up. No! That's not littering. Oh, sorry, I dropped that gold bar. Yeah, it's fine. But like, if you drop it in a place that you've got to pick up.

No! That's not lettering. Oh, sorry, I dropped that gold bar. Mine's not lettering. Oh well, it's not worth it because I'm not picking it up.

It's definitely not lettering if it's... I didn't say it was lettering, it just feels like lettering. Oh, no, I'll just, like,

if I've got my shopping... Oh, like, if I'm holding like, bags of shopping and I drop like, a penny. No, even if I'm in a fucking... 10p, I'll go over. If I'm in a shop, right, and I've got my shopping Oh like if I'm holding like Bags of shopping And I drop A penny No even if I'm If I'm in a fucking

10p I'll go If I'm in a shop Right And I'm getting my money Out of my pocket And two pence falls on the ground Or if Say if I drop like seven coins

Aye And a 1p rolls away But everyone else stays there That 1p is free Oh if it rolls away It's made a break But people will be like I'll go get it

If you love something Set it free Yeah and I love one pennies yeah but no I'd pick them up yeah see

anything under 20p not it's gone it's dead to me how how much would you drop in a urinal

before you picked it well that's what I'm saying like if you wiped if I wiped my arse with with a 20 with a 20 but how are you washing it because it's not like

the five pound notes you can't wash that i genuinely believe that i will never wipe my arse with a 20 pound note because i'm not a fucking idiot and also that would require having a 20 pound note you'd have had to unrolled it yeah but i think it was it was it wasn't it was like brain just switching off stuff. Like I've done, you know when you just switch your brain off for a second? The other day, I thought I was having a mental fucking breakdown because I made myself a cup of coffee, right? Yeah.

Listening to a podcast, listening to Kai and Stanley, listening to them doing the podcast. And just when Kai was talking about how stupid he was being, I looked at him and my coffee is nowhere I've not moved I've been in front of the station, the coffee making station and there's no mug there's nothing, there's evidence of coffee

there is a smell of coffee there is sugar there is the machine that I use that's still on there's a used spoon. There are coins all over the kitchen floor from when you tried to pay. And I'm just there for ages

and I genuinely had to be like, Jane! She was like, what am I? I need your help. She was like, what's wrong? I'm like,

I don't know where I put my coin. And she's looking around other parts of the room. I'm like, it's not there. I've not been, she'd be like, it might be. And I'm like, don't know where I put my coffee and she's looking around other parts of the room I'm like it's not there I've not even seen it it might be and I'm like

no no you are putting too much into how you're putting too much intelligence into me like it's it's within arm reach is it a cupboard

like I put it in the cupboard I've clearly been putting some other mugs away and just a full cup of coffee just fucking sat in there and do you know how I know that's not the first time I've done that? Because the previous time when I was making

coffee, I found a fully freezing fucking cold coffee. I can't remember the last time I had it. A full mug in the fucking thing. I feel like you did this at New Year with a drink. Oh, probably. I was... I remember you looking for that and I was like... Have you looked in there?

Because it all seems a bit deja vu-y. I'm pretty sure I've seen you, I've watched you do it. Well it's awful that I've done it, that means I've done it on at least three occasions now and that is not good for me. I mean I was on marijuana all three of those times but come on, drags don't. I'm a bit worried about my short term memory, I couldn't remember somebody's second name the other day. I'm terrible with names, the second you've said your name to me it's gone. Oh it's gone, it's day. I'm terrible with names. The second you've said your name to me, it's gone. Oh, it's gone.

It's gone. I don't know how people do it. That's why I've started. You're meant to say the person's name. But then that's so creepy. It's like, oh, hi, I'm Rachel. Oh, Rachel.

Hi, Rachel. Lovely to meet you, Rachel. Where are you from, Rachel? And when people use your name a lot, it's weird. I was watching Penn and Teller on Netflix and when they get a person up on stage, they constantly say their name and that bugs me a bit yeah it just sounds like a serial killer would do i always i know the reason i don't remember

people's name is because i remember derren brown's thing is is like he's got loads of different advice on different ways to remember people's names the second they say their name i'm like right what method of the derren brown thing should i be using to remember this's names. The second they say their name, I'm like, right, what method of the Darren Brown thing should I be using to remember this person? And I've already stopped listening. I'm now in my head thinking about Darren Brown, the fucking witch that he is.

I'm quite good at faces though. I'll see somebody's face and I'll be like, I've met you five years ago on a bus. That's way more serial killer-y. Yeah, it is a bit. Maybe it's good that if you have that kind of memory that you don't also say people's names over and over and over again. You got a single to Pennycook, didn't you?

Is that where you and your three children live? Hey, Paul, how are you? Oh, we met on a bus five years ago. Would you reckon this is the most accidental creepy thing you've ever done? I do put my foot in it a lot. This isn't creepy but I was at the theatre

fucking muggle What were you seeing? What was I seeing? I don't know that's why I asked Laurel and Hardy I think maybe. They're dead. Yeah but there's a play of their life Oh like a Weekend at Bernie's type play

It's in black and white The play is in black and white It's amazing It's a real racist Yeah really really Culturally insensitive But worth every penny in my book And the person I was with bumped into one of their friends and they introduced me

and the friend had a bunch of jackets over their arm and I said oh nice to meet you and I held out my hand to shake their hand and they went oh I'm sorry I can't shake your hand, I don't have a hand and I went well surely in the outside you can't shake their hand. Yeah.

So wait that was under the it was under the jack so i couldn't see it wasn't under the jackets yeah exactly yeah oh fuck and i went so we made that noise that's worse yeah you know i really got a hand sorry give me five then oh no oh that's yeah Yeah God I am stumped For what to say No Oh man I did

I've not So you know I've not been to the gym In a long time I don't want to say Yeah It's basically I know that once I get back

From Australia and stuff I'm going to go on a proper Health kick for a while Yeah And I've committed myself to it I know what I'm going to do So I'm also just enjoying like i love being a slob sometimes yeah so much of my time i'm i'm looking after

myself and now that i've got this date in the diary of like that's when i go healthy oh i'm enjoying every second up to them i'm just lazing around at a mcdonald's today and everybody's like oh the best tasting cancer i've ever had in my fucking life she's you know that takes 30 years of your life yeah but just the end of my life the one where my fucking partner's munting and i've got a wheelchair not interested in those years i'll get rid of them now who gives a fuck one of the other reasons i'm not going to the gym is because i'm scared to go back to the gym i went to okay um because i went in there one day and I was getting,

like, so I normally go for like a 45 minute workout and then I go for a sauna and I steam and I swim and whatnot. And I come back in after my workout

and... A 45 minute workout? A 45 minute workout. It was like, I go in for four minutes, make up some weights, take a selfie in the mirror. Yeah,

then, yeah, I just do it for instagram likes yeah so that's normally what my plan is yeah i go in this time and i've not i don't have a pound coin for lockers and i also haven't brought my fucking lock and i'm like ah and i know it's safe but i'm still i'm just i'm like ah fuck i mean I'm right I'll do it I'll do it anyway right I'll just

I'll leave it in there I'll hide the stuff in my pockets nobody's gonna rob me it's a nice gym it's got a spa who robs at a spa no one

that's who monsters yeah and there's this guy who's coming in he's clearly just finished his workout and he is

a guy with a bit of frump on him that's why he's at the gym it's clearly a new year's resolution for him and then this fucking big fucking piece of shit steroided guy, now I'm not calling him a piece of shit because he's big and buff, if you're big and buff I respect that, but it was his attitude, like he was just this, yeah, so basically I just come out, he was talking to his friend, loudly be like, I come in every day, I come in every day on my lunch break, come in for an hour, all these other mugs come for their fucking lunch, I've got my fucking chicken, I've got my protein, I come in, I work out every day, that's why I'm buffed, I don't want everyone else, I go home after, go back to work after this, I'm making deals, I'm making money, I'm crushing life, I'm like, oh, you seem fucking cool.

Yeah. Right, so him and his friend are laughing, and then they start, sorry, making just not horrible jokes, but not great jokes, like referencing the, the fat guy, like, too loudly, being like, oh, I wonder why he's here saying. I'm like, you're a dick. First of all, don't do that anyway. But you don't make him lose his fucking inspiration. He's motivated. You are being an absolute piece

of shit. So to sort of distract him, I'm like, hey buddy, have you got a quid? I forgot my fucking locker thing. He's like, he just held up his lock. He's like, I'm not an amateur thing. He's like, and he just held up his lock. He was like, I'm not an amateur. And I'm like, all right, okay, cool, awesome. He eventually goes away to fucking pump some fucking irons.

And the other guy looks at me and I'm like, what a cunt. And he's like, yeah. And I was like, do you have a quid? He's like, I'm really sorry, buddy, I don't. I'm like, ah, all right, fuck it, I'll be fine. And I'm just about to go out And I go in my bag And I find my lock And I'm like

Oh great Perfect And then The sociopath in my head goes Yeah you went to the gym yesterday You don't have to go today Wouldn't it be funnier If

Just put this extra lock On Cunty's locker Yeah And so I did. How did you know it was his locker? Because I saw him, the guy, because we were in the same fucking area. So he's locked his with his, I remember

his fucking padlock. Yeah. So I just put it through his one and the main fucking thing, turn it all the way to nothing, just pack my bag and leave. That's great. And the guy was like, are you really doing that? I'm like, yeah. I don't think I could ever come back. In my head, I'm like like it's a perfect crime because there's no way

that can be traced back to me because I didn't have a pound or a thing he's not going to see that and think oh that'll be the guy that was pretending to not have long

as if it's the world's longest fucking long plate nah he's going to blame oh he might blame Fatty and beat him up oh God Fatty's dead

he killed a fat guy shouldn't call him Fatty because he was working his ass off but that's yeah that's how we work right

that's good yeah I feel like just minor social justices yeah yeah I just feel like

that guy crushing deals every day comes in sweaty as fuck know he had a business meeting afterwards he was bragging about his business being guess who went to that

fucking business meeting in board shorts and a vest? Yeah. You fucking mug. Unless you listen to this podcast, in which case it definitely wasn't me, you prick. I've heard it was the fat guy. Yeah.

Right, shall we move on to our first game? Sure. So if anyone's new to the podcast, we play a game called Muggle Corner every week where basically me and whoever the guest on the podcast is nominate three things for Muggle Corner every week where basically me and whoever the guest on the podcast is nominate three things for Muggle Corner. Now Muggles is a term that we

kind of affectionately use but not really. Don't use it affectionately. No. It's to describe a certain type of person and these people aren't bad people. They're just not great people. There's no malice in them but there's also no originality. They just do plain

things all the time my just you're never going to remember their names like you've never they're the people whose names you don't remember a lot because why would you they're just extras they're the rice pudding of people they are and that's that's fine. I like rice pudding. Yeah, that's because you're a muggle. Yeah. But we all have to admit that we are all capable of doing muggly things. It doesn't make you a muggle, but we've just got to acknowledge the little things we do that are muggly. If anything, it's preventing more muggles. Being like, all right, I'll hold back.

It's quite muggly, but as long as I'm aware of it, it's fine. Understand that if you are guilty of one of these things you're not a bad person we realise that we go on huge rants about these things because we're passionate about them but also understand that we're in the corner a lot as well

loads yeah and if you take it personally guess what you're a muggle you're a muggle that was Ian Starling doing

if you're in the corner you're a muggle I honestly wouldn't be bothered in the corner You're a muggle I honestly wouldn't be bothered if you just called me a muggle But the fact that you did my voice as well Makes me bothered And I didn't want to be bothered Right I'll go first

O-T So muggles say things like okay yeah definitely yeah baby talk to other people no uh muggles uh say oh i wish i was born in the 70s with like a picture of someone from this no you don't i hate it i just it's and's I wish I was born in the 60s With like a picture of Marilyn Monroe Looking great God I wish I was Why?

You wouldn't have been invited to that party It's It's the dumbest fucking I Right yeah I hate that Yeah It really Fucking bugs me

When people are like Have nostalgia for a generation You don't belong to Oh No You can't Like oh Like

It's better now Everything's oh Like It's better now Everything's better now It is better now Regardless of what you think I know the world Fucking seems shady With Trump and what not But Stat Show

It's kind of the best time To be alive Life expectancy Like Way up You can watch All the old shit From back there

Yeah If you wanna Fucking wear a suit And a trilby And smoke You can do that All the time Do that Yeah but you don't Have to do it back then Nah The only to fucking wear a suit and a trilby and smoke all the time do that yeah but you don't

have to do it back then the only reason I wish you were also born in the 60s is because you'd be you'd be closer to death and that works to my advantage

do you think people are fucking watching Saving Private Ryan being like oh I wish I was born in the 30s back with a conscription oh

I'd love to go and see my friends getting shot but I'm tired yeah it oh I'd love for go and see my friends getting shot but I'm tired yeah it I'd love for everything to be more inconvenient the world goes in cycles anyway

I like when girls look at photos from the 60s and be like oh I wish I was born in the 60s oh trust me no you don't as a I hate to get close to Louis C.K. but as a white male

we can go back to most times. That is a Louis C.K. return. But as a woman you're like, you didn't, trust me, you didn't. Bitches, let's be honest, you're all having a hard time now. Things are better but they're not, they're nowhere near fair or perfect yet. Way shitter in the 60s.

Way shitter for you. Way shitter in the 60s Way shitter Way shitter for you Like Way shitter And all you You're like Oh but then at least Somebody would hold the door open for me

Fucking Really Yeah Is that what you want Yeah I do that though But I do I don't

I do it I don't do it I do it for people It's not gender specific If there's someone behind me I'm open Men were gentlemen back then Oh no They also earned way more Yeah they weren't gentlemen back then oh no

they also earned way more yeah they were gentlemen back then even more than now your job was to be at home

yeah because that's when you weren't legally considered people yeah like you legally weren't deemed people you were like

same rights as an aardvark I've seen photos of my parents when they were my age yeah fucking nerds dad had a fucking mullet

mum had a boyfriend with a mullet like yeah my dad had a moustache oh god like one of those proper porn star one creepy moustaches do you want an interesting fact

no no thanks do you know why Hitler had that mustache because he loved Charlie Chaplin no

oh that's the urban myth right it's not Hitler loved all facial hair right loved it

and he loved his facial hair he used to have a massive long mustache and stuff yeah but when the war kicked off

and the first one because gas mask you can't have facial hair with gas masks because it would get in there so you have to shave so the bit that's over your mouth so the only bit of facial hair that you could have that you didn't have to shave was that little moustache there because that was the one bit that was safe where did you hear that uh i can't remember but it's's true. Okay. Do you know, more interesting facts from Slaus, do you know why Smith is the most common second name? No. Because during the times when blacksmithing and stuff was a thing way back in the day, and British names come from years and years and years ago, the Smiths were the only ones that didn't go to

war, because they were the blacksmiths so all the smiths stayed at home smithing and doing what not so all the other ones all the fucking doing what not yeah doing what not all the slosses died

yeah but yeah so if you're a smith all your ancestors fucking pussies if you've got an uncommon second name oh you're fucking great great great

great grandad saving saving this great country yeah yeah there you go that's funny do you

talking about hairstyles yeah your dad had a ponytail my dad had a ponytail and oh yeah yeah

so you know where this yeah my dad not only did my dad have a ponytail and coke bottle lenses and worked in IT and I would

you know how there's he loved the stereotypes and I would you know how there's you love the stereotypes yeah oh man you know how there's like racial profiling at airports where they

if you're of any colour that's not white and have a bit of a beard oh add an extra 30 minutes to your checking yeah I am genuinely surprised

that my dad was not on a list just for the way he looked I mean there's no proof there's no proof oh yeah look at him come on like look tell me that doesn't like kids look what he's wearing look no i know that argument's paper thin but in this example oh yeah i wasted jeans and a mickey mouse t-shirt oh when my dad told my mom that he wanted to have kids the one bit of her brain just went to fuck it. Like, because he looked... Love you, Dad, by the way.

You nonce. Yeah. He got his... My mum, after years and years, finally managed to convince him to cut off his ponytail. And he kept it in a bag for a while. Fuck him.

Creepy. Creepy. House of horror. It's part of who he was. for a while fucking creepy creepy it was part of who house of horror it's part of who he was it was part of who he was Gareth come on

it's just look it's just look is it weird that I keep all the fingernails I bite off no I keep them

I don't do that I paused for a second I'm sure it's a joke but his dad kept a ponytail he'm sure it's a joke but his dad kept a ponytail he kept a ponytail and a little the one

he's getting it cut and the guy's probably going oh can I keep that in a bag oh you you donating it no yeah

yeah that's what I'm doing yeah you know he's pulled out that bag at one point as well and made it a mustache oh totally yeah of course still does it yeah still out that bag at one point as well and made it a moustache. Oh totally, yeah of course.

Still does it. Oh at this point, like yeah that was a properly weird thing for him to do. Fucking nerd. At parties did he put up like old photos of him and then try and pin it back on? Pin the ponytail on the dweeb.

Pin the ponytail on the pedo. And then pin all the other crimes on him as well just gets enough evidence for it. Pin the ponytail on the dweeb. Pin the ponytail on the pedo. All right. And then pin all the other crimes on me as well. Just gets enough evidence for it. Just to give you a little underarm throwback here to give you an attack at my family, my mum has kept some of my baby teeth. That is the most serial killer thing I have ever heard.

Is your mum a voodoo witch? Yeah. Good, right. Well, then she's justified in keeping the baby teeth and all those frog's legs and eyes that she has. But if she's not, what are they for? I don't know. What are they for?

I didn't really realise it was weird until I told you about it before and you were like... It's so weird and i understand why she had the teeth in first place your job as an adult and a parent is to be the tooth fairy right and i get you keep but bin it yeah like what do you or recycle it i don't know how but if you can donate hair can you you donate teeth? Not baby teeth. No? That's true. Who's going to?

Yeah. Yeah. Who is going to collect people? I mean, your mum. Yeah. Yeah, there's a market for people. I love parents who dote on their kids. I understand it.

But that is not doting on your kids. She had them for you. She's kept part of your skull. Parts of your skull fell off and your mum was like, oh, you might need these later. It's in like a little decorative box thing. Do you reckon when you get married

she's just going to give it as a necklace to your new bride? Here you are. You can compare them to the children. Part of the family now. Or she gives them like a vase and she's like like you can add your kids teeth to these just like my mummy kept my

teeth and her mummy kept and teeth are gross as well your mum is a murderer she is an absolute fucking murderer count the teeth right if there's anything more than how many teeth do babies have 36 no too much too little that's too much I think we have 36 do we If there's anything more than How many teeth do babies have? 36? No No?

Too much? Too little? That's too much Is it? I think we have 36 Do we? Yeah How many do babies have? Between us

It depends how cheeky the baby is I'll fucking Knock that wee cunt out Show him I don't know how many There's not a lot There's a couple But like

I can't remember I've not seen them for years I wouldn't even say muggles keep baby teeth just pure 100% psycho

like muggles keep their ponytails no no it's equally creepy no it's not you kept a ponytail yeah but just for a bit you know

you don't I'm not going go ahead can I keep all this? They're both equally... They are definitely both creepy, but there's no way those... It's a whole ponytail as well,

which is kind of weirder. See if it was just bits of hair. It's just weird, like, in my head, because he didn't do it himself. It was a hairdresser. There must have been a point... That's the creepiest point, where the hairdresser had to pick it up Off the floor

And hand it to him The bag yeah Well no He probably went to He was sweeping it up With all the other hair And the man was like No no no

So give that here Then just blowing All the hair off Like a doggy bag At a restaurant Can you bag this up for me Or maybe Maybe he just missed it so much

Like whenever my mum Went to bed At night Like he'd sneak out the room He'd go downstairs to the bathroom He'd lock the door And then just like, with a bit of cell tape Just put it back on Oh, hey there

Oh, hello young Martin, I remember you Hop in between his arse, pretend he's got a tail Hey Fuck me Aside from our murdering parents yeah uh yeah i think nostalgia for a generation you don't belong to you're allowed to enjoy like stuff they did yeah but you just to say i wish i was born then proves how little you know about history the movies you can listen to all the music you can do all that you can still dress like a fucking twat Yeah

They've got special nights They've got 60s nights You can go to one of those And you don't have to Imagine walking around with a perm All the time Yep How did

I've no idea how there was not more Haycrown back in the I mean there definitely was That was the dumbest thing I've said Life was just easier back then I would have Wasn't I would have bullied my dad in high school

Yeah Yeah Look at all the jobs yet back then you could be a farmer or a coal miner or part of the aristocracy yeah aristocracy yeah you lost it you were trying to say the movie the aristocrats that's so what is actually yeah so definitely in the muggle corner I really to cats. What is it actually? It's not a real word? No. Yeah, so definitely in the muggle corner. I really fucking hate it.

It's something that bugs me a lot. Yeah, that was, by the way, that suggestion was from one of our listeners, Dougie, so thank you to Dougie

for that. He'll be thrilled that it is in the corner. Do you think dictators, like Hitler with the wee moustache, do you think all dictators have got to have something a little bit weird?

Like, Trump's got the hair. Aye. And I feel like that is a big indication that he will be as bad. Yeah, it's really weird that, like, there's never been just, like, your everyday dictator. Yeah. You're like, hey, I'm an everyday man. I wake up in the morning, I brush my teeth, I kill a bunch of you guys. You know, me.

I love practical jokers, guys. It's my favourite show every morning. I wake up watching practical jokers. You know, I'll be watching Impractical Jokers I'll be honest boys, I do like the volume on my telly being at like 52, 55 is the perfect length but I also kill so many people for no reason but you know But he does like Impractical Jokers so Gaddafi wore his army gear playing tennis Yeah he did wear his army gear All All the time. Fucking show off.

Medals, yeah. What's your first one? Muggles run. Muggles run? That's it. Muggles run. Just didn't. So is that in the corner? We moved on?

No, I think there needs to be a bit more of a... I just... I get, like get like right i've ran before i've went on everyone's run before yeah um are you talking about like it is like a form of exercise or yeah i think it's muggly to exercise i think people get muggly to exercise. Running it is. People get so into it. They post their little maps on Facebook. I do. That is ugly. If you post maps of just did a 7K around the block, here's the route I took.

Don't give a fuck. How lame do you think I am that I'm like, oh, you see, Jess just went on that route. That looks like a fucking belter run. I reckon I might try that one just around her council estate like a fucking weirdo. And it's the getting kitted out as well with the fucking... You get the shorts and then you get your special running shoes

and then your little running socks. You get the fucking arm ring for the iPod. For the iPhone. You get the headphones that go around the back of the neck and the little clippy on ear bits so they don't fall out. Those glasses, those sunglasses with the thing. Those toddler

water bottles. Yeah, the one that you can fist. The fistable water bottle. Ridiculous. Like all of that. The fact that you've got to go to all those lengths just to have a run. You should run away from things. It's the only, like, you don't get kitted out for. run away from zombies, run away from murderers

run away from commitment run away from reality you don't and then post about it and then there's four I don't mind like if it's a race I don't really mind that if you're training for a marathon

even the training I think you've got to train for a race if you're training for a marathon even the training I think you've got to train for a marathon do you yes even marathons are a bit fucking muggly all marathons are totally muggly but to me there have to be stimulations in

here like I think it's about how you go about it like I know people that are into it's i think it's about how you go about it like uh i know people that are into um it's so fucking boring it's one of the most boring things it's so boring i i hate it i can't turn my brain off every time i'm running my brain just goes just stop yeah but then and then the muggles are about to be like but that's the thing it's constantly challenging yourself every day every day i go and challenge myself I challenge myself every day

every morning I wake up hungover and I'm like oh man don't think I could do that again and every day I surprise myself just one more point but em

I run at football I run about there's a point to that oh yeah there's an end goal it's a game but that was I would argue

marathoners and end goals a finish line if you want the gold medal there is a finish line and that's what I mean like I don't particularly mind a race but marathons

are so fucking muggly now it's like because nobody just does a marathon really anymore it's all the posting about it

it's all the yeah it's posery as fuck and I realise it's attention seeking and I realise how ironic that is coming from two comedians

doing a podcast yeah oh don't you hate it when people just talk about them so just do things for their own benefit oh those bastards

who needs to know that oh you please keep listening I mean I I am inclined to agree with you but I know there's more I want to add a bit to it so it's not just running

I want to add Fitbits which you have only just learned about because I've told you what a Fitbit is I didn't know what a Fitbit was they're huge it's like

ridiculous they're huge how'd you wear them then I genuinely it felt like when I was explaining to you that I

literally just unfroze you like it's like somebody going it's like you're going to somebody oh do you want to play PlayStation they go oh what's that

PlayStation look at me I look like a man that knows what a Fitbit is You've heard... Everybody in the world knows what a Fitbit is. I don't believe they do. There are children in Uganda Yeah because they made them That's because we're outsourcing

horribly Why do you need to know how many steps you've done? Kai got a fucking chest and that's the thing where I'm standing I know Kai and Andrew both will Fucking hate this one Because they're both runners Because they're both muggles

I've ran but also fuck the two of you It is muggly Kai had a fucking chest monitor thing That he rubbed Just looking like the jay case Just like a fucking shitty Iron Man. Just, just, oh, yeah.

Why? Because he's a muggle. Why do you need to know your heartbeat? Why do you need to know how many steps you've done? Why do you need to know how fast and how long

you've been going? Oh, my mum's got the iron fist. I've done 7,000 steps today. I'll take 7,000 more and fuck off. Just make them all in that direction

because that's the least interesting fact you could give me about your day it's like of all the things in your day you could i could be like what did you do today well i woke up this morning and i kind of rolled over a little bit and then decided to wake up and then i thought oh you know i could put you know if i have a quicker shower i could have another sleep for another five minutes and and and and then i did and i had a little nap and then i got in the shower and i was like i wish i'd wish i'd had a longer that to me is more interesting than i walked 5 000 steps today who gives a fucking shit i've heard people say the phrase i need to get my steps up why yeah on this that's one bit about running I fucking hate Running on the spot

At traffic lights You fucking I know why you're doing it And I know the logic in your head There's no logic in your head Red mean stop Just stop for a bit There's no logic

I know why you're doing it No you don't You're not doing anything You might as well stand still They're not continuing their pace It's not making it easier. But my legs are still going and it's harder when you stop. No, no, no. Just choose a different direction.

Run around in a circle. It'll chase your tail, you fucking mutt. I hate running through the city as well. And I know people live there and that's the only place they can run. But it bugs me. Go somewhere and run. Don't. I'll just run through Edinburgh. No, because they've got the hills

so I could get my I do agree but I do feel that we're just two pricks who don't run but you know what fuck it

it's our podcast fuck them yeah it is in the corner no it's not like come on the bottle the bottle alone gets you in the corner

the bottle is so on the little fucking camel pack where you're just like a sad little hamster but your wheel is the city here I'm I'm just like a sad little hamster but your wheel is the city here i'm i'm just making a little running playlist on my phone for a running playlist

what are you talking about the amount of effort that goes into it i just can't i don't think i could run to nicki minaj's super base no like if you do you know about the zombie running app i had that for a while so basically what it is is you put it in and then it's like oh you do you know about the zombie running app i had that for a while so basically what it is is you put it in and then it's like oh you we it's in your head you're in like a zombie apocalypse world yeah you need to run to the next base to pick up supplies and then when it wants you to speed up it'll be like zombies coming and you hear zombies behind you and it's meant to increase your uh running speed that i've tried it yeah like I couldn't do it like people like

all the reviews are like oh it's great really inspiring like you really think you're being chased by zombies I was in I was in Venice Beach and they're like

zombies behind you I'm like no let's not though yeah like it was my imagination even that I can't my imagination's too shit

aye and it doesn't I've heard a bit do you reckon it's a pedo version of that yeah yeah where it's like kids within 50 feet and they start running really fast and they'd obviously call it

they'd obviously call that app pedomere thank you you're welcome boys the little top smug lip it's the Kai smuggy top lip for those of you

that are not friends with Kai who listen to his podcast which is not many of you whenever Kai is about to do

a shit joke we can all see it from a mile off his top lip starts there going out and he's because he's waiting

for his chance to get the joke in it's like a dad with a dad joke just oh is that why is that it's. It's like a dad with a dad joke. Just, oh, is that why you... It's like when you feel like you've got to sneeze. Oh, yeah.

That's his exact face. Oh, I've got to do it. You can see Kyrie's joke coming from so far off. You could honestly do that fucking thing footballers do whenever the goalkeeper's taking a goal kick. And by the way, if any of you ever go to Kai's shows, please do that.

But oh, hey, and Geordie is probably an actual word. Yeah. They're saying nice things. Oh, fuck. What's your next one I mean it's your time is it my turn sorry right yeah oh yeah I'll say muggles run totally is in the corner this is gonna affect a lot you fucking muggles out there and there's a this is a twofer from a guy called Don Nightingale not the comedian

different than Daniel Chelley yeah muggles get engaged on Valentine's Day from a guy called Dan Nightingale. Not the comedian. Different than Dan Nightingale. Really? Yeah. Muggles get engaged on Valentine's Day. 100%. Oh, it's half some originality. What are you going to... Are you going to get married in a church? Are you going to wear white? Like, I have... You just got engaged

and I've already been to your wedding seven times. Like, it's the least original fucking thing in the entire and I know it's romantic you know but the stipulation Dan Nightingale

added is the reason he's got Valentine's Day is over is because nobody no more oh boy done good

posts and oh my girl done good she did good ah ah yeah fucking pictures of things oh bae did good she did good ah ah yeah fucking pictures of things

oh bae did good made me breakfast in bed and then we're gonna shut up can't keep your love to yourself you fucking weirdo if you post about your love life right

so publicly it takes away any value it does because you're scared in my books if you post about your love life you're terrified because you need to validate it to the world

but here's my stipulation for you if you post your love life fucking post your sex life right i'm more interested in that i don't want to hear about right i want to know did you remember last night right where did he come how you did like do does he like a digital there because that's more interesting that's more fucking interesting to me whether you like to to dig up the share. Then, oh, we went to Nando. I don't care. And I know you're my friend.

And I'm glad, also, I'm glad you're happy. But I don't need to know. Yeah. Like, and maybe there's a bit of jealousy and horribleness for me. Because you get, people get to brag about being in relationships. I do not. If I publicly brag about being single I am a scumbag

I can't be like Oh fucking shagged nine women last month Oh no that's not But you Oh with your rings and your fucking flowers That he got you out of obligation Yeah I don't understand the sharing I don't

It is It's looking for more validation. Surely the validation's there already. The validation is each other. To me, every time I'm... You know what? I've even caught myself doing it in relationships. And every time I posted a lot on Facebook

about the relationship I was in, I knew the relationship was over. I'm like, who's this for? Yeah. It's clearly so other people like the relationship was over I'm like who's this for it's clearly so other people like the relationship and validate to me oh I'll stay in this

and you are allowed to pose occasionally I'm not saying every time you do it like if you do it occasionally anniversaries arguably Valentine's Day is allowed because there's only a certain amount of times I feel it really does take the magic out of it it absolutely does Valentine's Day is allowed because there's only a certain amount of times. No, I feel it really does take the magic out of it.

It absolutely does. Why does anyone need to know? But that's not what the Muggle Corner is. Well, it is kind of. That's the Dan Nightingale edition. But the one is getting engaged on Valentine's Day. It's like being born on Christmas. Like someone's done it already. You're not original.

Proposing on your girlfriend or boyfriend's birthday. Nah. Surprise them. You're meant to surprise them. Yeah. Like, how are you... Also, if you were proposed on Valentine's Day and you went,

oh my God, you fucking liar. As if you didn't know. Right. Like, he's taken me to a lovely restaurant. He's taken me to... I wonder he's taken me to I wonder what's gonna happen you know what's gonna happen

I know you're a terrible actor and you've started your marriage based on a fucking lie it's like surprise parties

in Scotland I think yeah because every surprise party I've been to has been in like a bowling

club or a hall that I've never like where are we going for my birthday we're going we're just gonna go down the bowling club the bowling club that we've never been to before do you know have you heard about the time i accidentally organized my own surprise birthday party i think so because i'm so organized so i can't i i'm a host i love hosting organized things fucking constantly and every year

uh i'll organize my own birthday as well yeah right so there's been two instances where i've i've organized my own birthday surprise party by accident and i've also organized my own surprise cake by accident the birthday party was i organized my own birthday party and then she was like well why don't you and your friends come to, why don't you get the party to start at like nine and you come down for drinks at the pub and we'll go for a meal at seven. I'm like, no, people are arriving at seven. She's like, just go for a birthday meal.

I'm like, don't want a birthday meal. People are coming. So she has to get me down there. She's pouring me triple gin and tonics without me knowing because I'm just constantly checking my watch. And she's like, well, no, the restaurant's booked for eight and I'm like well we're gonna have to eat quickly because people are arriving at nine and I can't be late she's just pouring these drinks and then I get there and uh coming to the house and everyone's downstairs in the downstairs living

room and June's like Danny why don't you get the living room set up I'm like no I'm not I'm too stressed I've got to make sure all the things I I've washed all the cups. Like, I've not got the hors d'oeuvres out. I've got Christmas. And she's like, hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres. All right, hors d'oeuvres. Okay. I didn't have any.

It was Pringles. Hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres. But I put the salsa on them, so it's like a little, oh, oh, love it. Very French. And for five minutes, she's like, Daddy, why don't you go through to the living

room and put up all the and then i go through and everyone's just been standing in the dark for five minutes brilliant the worst one was uh so on my one of my other birthdays uh which i'd organized fully i put birthday cake in the fridge yeah and i went to genie and ali i went birthday cakes in the fridge can's was there which is at one point during the night, bring it out, surprise me, they're like, great. Next morning,

no recollection of any birthday cake, I go through the fridge, and just people while drunk and stoned have just clearly taken fistfuls of chocolate cake. Yeah. And I'm hungover, I've got to clean the fucking house, and I just,

to Ali and Jeannie, I'm like, you had one fucking job, like I paid for all the booze, I hosted the party at my fucking flat. I had everyone over. I'm going to click. Like, dick move.

Yeah. I was disappointed. And they felt really fucking bad about it. So a couple of months later, my friend Jordan, he's leaving. He's away to Australia for a while. So we have everyone over for a meal and whatever. And it's at the end of dessert. I go through.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. And goes no and i go what she's like oh go if you go to the bathroom though like all right that's not a warning sign to me i'm like oh i walk through your kitchen you get a glass and ali is standing there with a birthday cake and candles, and he's lighting them. And he looks at me, and the blood drains from his face, and I'm like, oh, good, right, perfect, great idea. I'll go keep Jordan in the living room, right? Because in my head, I'm like, this is a cake for Jordan for leaving. And I was like, okay. Ali cannot believe he's gone away with it.

He's like, yeah, okay. I'm like, you just, I'll organize it, yeah? He's like, yeah, okay. I'm like, you just, I'll organize it, yeah? He's like, sure, okay. I go through. And now Gene's told Jordan to keep me in the living room. I'm now in there to keep Jordan in the living room. So it's just me and Jordan. We should stay in here.

Great idea. Great idea, friend. Let's stay in this room together. And Gene's, and they come through and the lights go off and Jordan turns to me and I turn to Jordan and Jordan goes

happy birthday and I go happy birthday and I'm singing the full happy birthday song and everyone is looking at me like who are you singing to? This cunt's an egomaniac

happy birthday to you and everyone's so weird they're looking at me Happy birthday To you And everyone's so weird They're looking at me and I'm like It's not Jordan's birthday His birthday's in January And it's not And it's not to the point where it goes

Happy birthday dear And everyone goes Danny And I go Oh day dear and everyone goes danny and i go oh oh it's great i'm a fucking idiot when's my birthday no idea oh no i do oh i always forget how much this annoys you uh it's the 12th of September fucking yes finally 5 years I don't know when was birthday

it's the day after yours it's the day after it's usually the same party the party goes after midnight and then it's mine I just never I'm so bad at remembering birthdays it's the day after yours

fucking hell you know when I was in Vegas here's how bad I am at remembering when's Christmas Eve on a movie I was in Vegas

I was playing roulette right so I got my five lucky numbers and I'm putting them on right because I'm a muggle right those lucky numbers are nine putting them on right because i'm a muggle right those lucky

numbers are 9 11 right because september the 11th is my birthday 13 because everyone's like oh it's an unlucky number so i always go 13 because fuck superstition right 23 same reason oh it's an unlucky number and then seven right because 7th of june is gene's birthday right yeah so i'm gambling gambling and then at one point i accidentally because of the electronic machine i accidentally put instead of just a quid on seven i put 10 quid on seven and it goes and i'm like fuck what have i done my he's laughing at me like haha rolls ha, rolls around, comes in seven, she's won three I'm like, woo! I'm like, oh, Jean

you're the best, you're lucky, birthday, she's like that's not my birthday the seventh is not my birthday, and I was like, when is it? and even in the story I can't finish the story because I've not remembered what it is I don't remember birthdays yeah all right but you always get so much with the fucking

um anyway back to valentine's day yeah if you got proposed to on valentine's day both of your muggles you yeah you're both and i know yeah that's really that sucks for you if you got proposed to because it wasn't your decision by proxy but you said you're marrying a muggle you're gonna rub off on each other um we've we're at fucking 56 minutes oh so we'll just be going straight to your dad jokes but just to clarify all those muggle corners the first two um you're a muggle if you say i wish i was grew up in any generation that isn't yours no you don't Unless you were living in a fucking nuclear Holocaust, barren land in like 20, 90.

Yeah. Then you can say, yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 years time, you can be like, Oh fuck.

I wish I was born back then because we were all alive and there was no, you know, all, none of your family members were dead. Um, that's fine. Uh, and if you get engaged on Valentine's day or did, oh boy, done good.

Yeah. Posting gifts. I know you think you're happy, but you're not. I'm sorry. Go be sad in the corner, you muggle. Yeah. And mine's where muggles run.

Muggles run, yeah. I mean, imagine Kyle Stanley going to have something to say about it, but yeah. And then... No, that was it. Was that it? We only did one of mine. Oh, fuck. I mean, imagine Kyle Stanley going to have something to say about it, but yeah. And then... No, that was it. Was that it? We only did one of mine. Oh, fuck, let's go with your second one then. Let's quickly do the second one. Muggles

still read newspapers. Oh, here's a stipulation. Muggles still buy newspapers. That's better, because I would read newspapers on trains if they're there. Yeah. If you find a newspaper, you can read it fine yeah oh yeah because also we know most newspapers are horseshit and all those things are online anyway fake news yeah fake news fake news why it doesn't make even even

if it is fake it doesn't make sense like we've all got phones we've all got screens with the the content we can get online there's videos music. We can still get the printed shit if you want it. You can get all that. And everything's included in it. And it gets updated all the time. The newspaper's done as soon as it's printed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's no update.

It's out of date. Yeah. And also, the ones that are readily available are normally the fucking tabloids, which are all lies. To me, that's willful ignorance. If you're buying the fucking Sun newspaper or the Daily Mail, you are willfully being if you're buying the fucking sun newspaper the daily mail you are you're buying where's wally yeah just yeah where's isis just

like who do i hate everywhere who do i hate this week for no fucking reason yeah yeah i'll give you that yep so yeah no real chat there it's said it's it's it we have to get it in um because oh thank god we redid this podcast uh even if you're listening to this episode and not thinking it was that great one you're wrong we've had a fun time but two substantially better than the fucking triple week about the other day there has been tonal inflection in this one oh there's been jokes

muggles muggles don't have hangovers about podcasts right on to our final round your dad jokes Your dad comments on pictures of newborn babies With the aubergine emoji Three times

Your dad does push-ups naked And his dick never touches the ground Your dad checks if soup is cooked by throwing it at the wall I think it needs five more minutes It's not sticking One of the potatoes went through the wall Your dad kisses his biceps after a big poo Your dad's nipples are cockeyed

Your dad After your dad weighed his holiday luggage He squared up to it Your dad sits on his hand before molesting children So it feels like someone else is doing it And he thinks that holds up in court Your dad won't get into the jacuzzis because he thinks they're people soup. That's true.

Yeah. Your dad runs... Oh, sorry. Your dad wears fishnet socks. Your dad's clothes all have Velcro included in his pants. Your dad runs a passive

aggressive Instagram page which is just pictures of the cups of tea he made your mum that she didn't finish

and it's called tea total ungrateful bitch oh that's great your dad only watched the

Elmo documentary after he found out he was a pedophile your dad plays shag marry kill only watched the Elmo documentary after he found out he was a paedophile? Your dad plays Shaq, Marry, Kill at family reunions. With the kids. Your dad won't swallow chewing gum,

but he will swallow his pride. By which I mean his own gum. Your dad's that one kid That got football and British Bulldog Banned from the school playground Your dad watched a movie With Halle Berry in it And then checked himself into hospital When they asked what was wrong

He said he had jungle fever Your dad leaves keys in his pocket at the airport just so he can feel the touch of a human again oh he's so happy oh i think i think they might be around the back of my waistband your dad was fired from being a lollipop man because he kept getting the kids to lick it before he helped them cross. Your dad tags your mum in online articles about unfaithful women being stoned to death in Saudi Arabia. Just tags her in the comments, actually. Your dad pays people to squeeze their spots.

I had an ex-girlfriend who loved popping my spots. Yeah? Yeah, I always felt that really weird like that's that's not even muggly that's just

gross yeah it's gross like she'll pop your spots she really got something out of it and so did I but I just felt like we've not evolved from apes at all

no she didn't eat it that's good oh good well that brings us to the end of the podcast now for Kai if you're listening

and obviously to the listeners that are listening I think I might have to take a few weeks off because next week I'm off to New York I will take the stuff there

but I'll be honest with you I don't have any friends in New York I'll come with you I've got nothing on there's no comedians and really no out there if I find someone I'll grab them on the podcast no comedians really no out there

if I find someone I'll grab them on the podcast but I'm just in a solo show so it's not going to be much I'll give it a go but it might be the case where

and then after that I'm off to a wedding another wedding in Australia and it's a muggle wedding there's no comedians going so no

no so it's just weddings are always fun they are oh no You know they are Oh no I know the wedding Will be great But I just mean

I won't be able To have a guest on And if there's not A guest on Nobody wants me Doing this fucking podcast Alone Just me

With a barman Look trust me As much as I'd enjoy it Of just me agreeing With myself fully Muggles do this Good suggestion Daniel Thanks Daniel

As much as I would love that, I don't think the listeners would. So we might have to, just for the next two weeks, go down to one a week with Kai and Muggins doing his ones, and then I will come back stronger and bigger and better, but who knows?

Keep an eye out, but it's not my fault if there's not. Hey, you're getting it for free. Yeah, quit your bitching. But also, thank you so much for listening. The fact that we have such a, like, we have a small fan base, but they are horrifically loyal. Like, terrifyingly loyal.

Like, I reckon if us and the listeners in this podcast were to start, like, a fucking military coup, right, start, like, a fucking rebellion somewhere, I reckon we could, like, we'd, could... The army would have to get involved. Yeah. A military coup in Scotland is just a Highland cow with a rocket launcher.

Oh, I fucking hate you. I was just about to ask you to plug your show, but after that... Don't bother. Bless you. It's the 10th March in Glasgow. Go on, while you're sneezing. And to any listeners, I'm doing shows in New York

Next week and then I'm off to Australia, I know we have a lot of Australian Listeners, thank you very much for that So I'm in Canberra Melbourne, Perth Sydney, Tas fucking Mania Tas fucking Mania

And Brisbane as well And a bunch of other ones that are all on my website, danielsloss.com. Apart from that, thank you very much for listening. Thank you to Gareth Wall for being on the podcast.

And I'll talk to you soon. Enjoy the subpar podcast of Kai and Andrew Stanley. Well rounded off. Yeah, fuck them.