Sloss and Humphries On The Road - San Pellegrino Problems
Episode Date: August 17, 2022At the approximate half way stage in the fringe Daniel is still in family man mode while Kai has had multiple late nights, between nursing a sick dog and being a reprobate. Middle class problems are r...edefined after Cream discovers his drink of choice is Tory Fanta.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Good podcast morning, listeners.
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road.
If you are a Patreon, congratulations on getting this episode
before all of those other worthless, cheap fucking scumbags.
Really take a moment to appreciate how much fucking better you are
listening to this the day it came out
instead of waiting
just in the fucking slums
like the rest of those cheap cunts
how much better, you're just so much better
really, just drink it in for a second
and while you're drinking it in
to everyone that's not on the Patreon, welcome to the podcast
you fucking tight cunts
how are you enjoying it a couple days later
we're so relevant that you've missed
I wouldn't even listen to this if I were you
because it's so far in the fucking past
that it doesn't make sense anymore
references are outdated
none of it makes sense, three people have died
since then, it's a waste of your fucking time
thanks as always
for listening or watching
for those of you that watch, thanks for that
I promise one day it might encourage us
to have a better fashion sense,
but not fucking today, cuntos.
It's a fun episode, it's just us two, talking shit,
and then there's a really, really horrible story that kind of tells at the end.
We've left it in, for better or worse.
So enjoy!
Sloss and Humphries on the road
Muggins and cream, cream and muggins
Straight thuggin', livin' the dream
That's our intro
Fuckin' muggles
Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh
They said it can't be done
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack
Oh, muggles
Accidental rim job in the park
Kiss, kiss, kiss
Or might just be cynical
Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia
Where have you been since 9-11?
Fucking state of you last night.
Yes, the state of me.
Let me run through my day yesterday
and let's talk about the state of me
and then we can compare.
So yesterday morning,
I woke up and Cara went to do bridesmaid shopping.
Nice, she bought some bridesmaids. Yep. Thai bridesmaids.. Nice, bought some bridesmaids.
Yeah.
Thai bridesmaids.
Yeah.
She got them off the internet.
No, she wants ones that match her.
So it was like an Aberdeenian,
Aberdonian like cow market.
She went to Leith.
Real bad.
The schemes in Kilmarnock.
Yeah, it wasn't like a classy auction thing
where you hold up a table tennis,
oh, sorry,
a big pong bucket with your number on it
and be like
that's what I'm bidding on
it was
cattle market
yelling
just on Aberdeen
don't even souse
and
did she get a few
she got a few yeah
not even going to get them dresses
she's going to paint something on them
aye
wall paint
yeah
yeah just
well you ever seen those
body dresses
that people paint on themselves sometimes?
Oh, yeah.
You're sort of looking
like it's not a dress
and you go,
oh, she's,
that's a naked lady,
that's why I like that dress.
Like her next man.
Because it's not one.
Jennifer Lawrence Mystique.
Is it Mystique?
Aye.
Aye, an ex-man,
she was painted on,
wasn't she?
Yeah, but I think
it wasn't just painted on,
I think it was like
prosthetics as well,
it was scales and shit.
They weren't just like,
oh, I fancy,'t just like I fancy
I fancy
Mr Smurf when I was a kid
so let's just spray you blue
and make a movie
that's pretty much what happened
that's the story of X-Men
so woke up she fucked off with Caelan
I because
I'm not going full Tory
despite the fact that you've just pointed out that I am drinking Tory Fanta.
Tory Fanta, San Pellegrino.
Luminata.
It's just, it's so much better and it devastates,
I've never heard it called Tory Fanta.
With a little foil.
And it cuts me because it's so accurate.
But it's so much better than Fanta.
And that is what a Tory would say.
It comes with a foil lid because you don't want to get the dust on your lips.
a Tory would say it comes with a
foil lid
because you don't
really get the dust
on your lips
you're like
I'm going to get
a foil lid
just so that
if anybody's
touched it
it's not going
to get on my lips
and then you just
kind of
poke holes in it
with a fucking
smoke good of it
no it's just
so I know
that when I buy
it overseas
I know the
dirty locals
haven't licked
the top of it
that's what it is
it's not a class thing
so
I've gone toady there
I'm a member of a golf club
excuse me
I'm a member of a golf club
I'm just going to turn up
your light a little bit, can you mumble that again
I'm a member of a golf club
I thought that's what you said
does that mean you can just come and go anytime you please
it's round the corner, I get in my car, I drive round I don't have to talk to club. I thought that's what you said. Does that mean you can just come and go any time you please? Oh, Kai, it's around the corner.
I get in my car, I drive around.
I don't have to talk to anyone
because I've got my range card.
So what I do is I just walk up
to the ball dispensing machine.
I put my card up to it
and it dispenses 40 balls.
You don't have to go to the counter
and get a ticket.
No, no.
You pay for your ticket
and then type in the code.
That's what the people that don't
have memberships
have to do
they have to go and
talk to people
it's just
go on
hit some balls
none of them will
none of them will
like it's
we've all gone into golf
like since January
because we're all in our 30s
and we're just like
leaning
this is the time of our life
and I keep saying to Gara
I'm like look
I know you think
it's fucking lame
and I also think
it's a bit lame
but at the end of the day
it's really good for all of also think it's a bit lame, but at the end of the day,
it's really good for all of our mental health to, like, go out once a week with four or five of your mates.
Get away from the bird.
And the kid.
Just that fucking, the nagging and the crying.
No, no, but it's good to go out with your mates,
have a fucking laugh early on in the morning
in the fresh air,
and get, like, a mild bit of exercise.
It's really good for my mental health. And she's she's like yeah why do you come back so angry then
i'm like no i but no but that's just because i'm shitting it gara and that's the that's like when we took up knitting yeah everyone just like it's so mindful like you can just like just zone in for
like 45 minutes and just just making like something that you couldn't even catch large fishing
aye
and then you drop a stitch
and you just get road rage
you just want to kill people
you're like
it's so mindful of this
fuck off and die
I've wasted me life
how did you get that there
how's that there
that doesn't make any fucking sense
so
you went and played golf
on your own
just on my own
just
oh
and there was a bunch of kids
getting lessons behind me. And you know how
the worst thing about snowboarding is
being fucking overtaken by
little Leon and all his other French
seven-year-old mates who are really good
at skiing, right, when kids are just better.
And there's just a bunch of fucking Tory
kids behind me, fucking
melting balls down the fucking fairway.
In Scotland with the Queen's English.
No, no, no, they did have, but, I mean, they had Edinburgh accents. melting balls down the fucking fairway in Scotland with the Queen's English no no
they did have
but I mean
they had Edinburgh accents
one of them
and I was laughing my ass off
this guy must have been
about 8 or 9 years old
every single time
he hit the ball
he just yelled
Brexit means Brexit
every time
40 fucking balls
nobody said it
he just went
Brexit means Brexit
and I felt
that's so funny
he fucking killed me
the first time
was mid my swing
so look
I hit it badly
but what was the
but that was the only one
I hit straight actually
just to fucking
anger my swing
turned around
laughed
and then he just
kept doing it
and some of the other kids
were joining
none of them knew
what it meant
he didn't know what he was saying and all the other people some of the other kids were joining none of them knew what it meant, he didn't know
what he was saying and all the other people
like all the other people in the driver range
are just 75 year old men
going, I'm on the boy, I'm on the boy
and it's just me laughing
until the fucking
I can't remember her name
probably should have given it anyway, the one that's given the
lessons, she was just, do you even
know what Brexit means, he's like, yeah absolutely that's given the lessons. She was just, do you even know what Brexit means?
He's like, yeah, absolutely.
She's like,
I don't think you know what you're saying.
He's like, yeah, I do.
You don't know what I'm saying.
And we're both like, oh, okay.
So it's just...
It's a child.
Oh, hi.
Can you remember when Brexit happened
and we were in Glastonbury
and it was just quite sullen
and then we ended up at that light show,
you know,
where they had these fucking buildings
without a light show. We were they had these fucking buildings we were there
with Marcus Brigstall
and his missus
and she had
concocted this thing
which was
I don't think it was gin
but she had some sort
of like really strong
alcohol
that you had to down
immediately
followed by
a mauwam
and she was like
trust me
it's so good
and we were like
there's no way
a mauwam's washing
the taste of that
out your mouth
fucking
wouldn't you know
it was
put it in
so strong
take the Marwam
the sweetness
overrides it
and it was
fucking delicious
and the reason I know
it's not gin
is because the other day
you tried gin and Marwam
I was like
I'm chasing the dragon
I was like
chasing the dragon from Mar I was out chasing the dragon
from Bowlands
because
I needed to get
that fucking high man
no it's never
the second one
I was never
I tried
look we tried it
in Glastonbury
and I just
I hadn't had it since
I'd been thinking
about it for a while
it was at Little Alley
in Markerson
that's an ex relationship
as well
so it's not like
you can tap a Markerson
and go hey mate
will you get in touch
with your ex lass
I'd better know
what that was please
Marcus is just
out the blue
DM slaying his
ex guy there
yeah what was
that word with
my wife again
just quick question
was it schnapps
just out of the blue
was it schnapps
ooh mate it
could have been
schnapps
could have been
schnapps now that
I think about it
schnapps and my
wife sounds like
right after this
no well so I'm
at little Ali
because he got
married during
Covid because everyone
was delayed
he was just like
fuck it
we'll just do it
here and we'll
have the party
later
so they all
booked out
these cabins
in the woods
sort of things
and it was
just us there
and one of the
days
obviously everyone
has brought
their own stuff
there's a bottle
of gin
some moa
and my
dumbass
goes
my horrible
stoner memory
replays
the entire
thing of us
at Glastonbury
going through,
and I was like,
it was gin.
It was gin.
And I tell everyone the story,
and they're like,
no way.
You upsold it.
You pitched it.
You got it down around the table.
You broke up conversations to gather around.
Guys, guys, guys.
No, leave your kids.
They can't have gin.
Why would they be here?
Oh, Daniel's attention seeking again.
What, Daniel?
All right.
Okay.
So, yeah yeah that moment
four or five of us
were like
alright
we're definitely
going to try this
and man
straight Jen
is fucking
bogging
right
but I'm there
and be like
and the second
it touches my lips
I go
I don't
huge mistake
no no
I was just like
I don't remember
my mum's being
that powerful
like this feels
you know when you do hot sauce
and people go, is it a hot one?
and your mouth just goes, it's not
kicked in yet, but just like, you know
fuck yeah, it was
that with gin. So has Marwam and gin
got the same like destructive
qualities as like orange juice and toothpaste?
Oh, I would
say it's the more adult version of that
despite the fact that
Malwhams is in the equation
that's a gross oversight that those two things
don't go together because they're the first two things
you have with your day
you don't have them separate
I do feel like maybe that's
you know how maybe
you get Skittles vodka, which is obviously
you just get Skittles, you put it in vodka
if you separate them into the colours and you put it in
it becomes slightly sweeter, it's still fucking vodka you separate them into the colours and you put it in it becomes slightly
sweet
it's still fucking vodka
but it's luminous colours
and it's slightly
more fucking sugary
the slightly upper class
version of that
is trying to dissolve
my whams in gin
right
I think that's
well I feel like
maybe not
maybe
you're going to end up
like the fucking
alchemist
well maybe it's the lower one
because maybe gin's
actually less classy
now that I think about it
because you can make gin
with fucking anything.
My dad invented a machine that turns vodka into gin
in, like, what was it, 45 seconds?
Well, he invented it in 45 seconds,
so it turns vodka into gin in 45 seconds.
Nice.
What I was getting at before
was when we had that malware moment
watching The Late Show
where we were, like, shouting Brexit into the sky.
I don't know if I can do this with me.
Oh, I can.
But we're going, Brexit! Brexit! Brexit!
And obviously at Glastonbury,
we were sad Brexit happened as well.
But like everyone else at Glastonbury,
we were just there,
standing around in a field being like,
well, I guess that's what we all get
for going to Glastonbury
instead of voting this weekend.
Whoopsie-daisy!
The whole city's worth of people not voting.
Yeah, yeah.
And all,
and they're all voting fucking
left
that was where
the Jeremy Corbyn
fucking
chant started
everyone was like
in the fucking
pyramid stage
like whoa
Jeremy Corbyn
did you vote for
no no
I forgot
but everyone else
here did right
because I didn't
have my leggings
the left can't
mobilise
no we can't
watch Foo Fighters
that's who headlined
that year on it it was Foo Fighters that's who headlined that year wasn't it?
It was
they were great
so
so you went
you played golf
played golf
you mess the fucking stadium
aye
and then after that
I think
we were meant to be doing podcasts
and then
meant to be getting kill fightings
but other things
happened
and we had to change those plans
so I had the day off
well
during the day
so me and Cara
just avoided this
oh no that's not true
Cara was raging
at me all day
yesterday
because she likes
the sun
she's a person
she's a lizard
she doesn't just
go out there
and just be in it
all the time
I thought you were
going to do
a new hack there
do you want to
do a new hack
my wife's mad at this
because I cheated
on her in a dream
I can smell it coming
I can see when a comedian's about to do it I grabbed Liam Farrelly the other day I was like he's because I cheated on her in a dream I could smell it coming I could see when a comedian
is about to do it
I grabbed Liam Farrelly
the other day
I was like
he's a boot
in a dream
cheap thing
yeah that is
proper new hack
and it's so common
you see it everywhere
no no no
so she was mad
because
my mum
my mum has been
and she was like
do you mind
if
one day I come round
and just
clean parts of your house
that I know you can't be arsed cleaning?
Because we've been on the waiting list
for a cleaner for fucking two months.
It's pretty tough being middle class in Edinburgh right now.
San Pellegrino problems, I say.
And that's the name of the podcast,
San Pellegrino problems.
Yeah, I mean, it very much is.
So my mum came round
spent the day with Caelan
and then we all just
helped tidy up the house
and me and Cara
were cleaning our room
my mum and baby sat
playing with Caelan
so Cara's just like
dusting in our room
looking outside
at my mum playing
with Caelan in the sun
she was like
you're a cunt
and I'm like
I know we picked
I didn't pick
the sunniest day
we picked this day
to do this and it came round just because the sunniest day. We picked this day to do this.
And it came around just because the sun's out
doesn't mean I can cancel the fucking plans.
Yeah, because you just went out to save a kill
and then get your mum to tell you.
Well, I mean, we did do that.
Well, we did.
You ended up doing that.
I was going to say you didn't clean this place.
No, no.
It's not quite nice.
Aye, aye.
Ari would be proud.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I didn't clean it
because Ari said
but it was
we were just like
we can't keep
we can't keep
podcasting like this
I spoke to
Reece Nicholson
yesterday
and he's going to
come and do the podcast
he's really up for it
we couldn't have
brought him back
we could bring Ari
back to Crack Den
or fucking
oh that's not true
I mean I'll save
most of these stories
for when Reece is here
but me and Rhys
have had some
fucking
crack denny
moments
like we've had
real
because that was where
the tradition started
we spoke about this
in the last podcast
of the fucking barbecues
used to just be
aye
I think me
Rhys and Kyron
and you
once played
scattergories
on cocaine
until eight in the morning, one French?
Aye, I mean that.
Because that's
the kind of... That was like acoustic
quiplash.
Quiplash unplugged is what we used to play
word games on paper.
That is... I get fucking
ripped for it fairly, but
there's nothing like when you're all
fucking steaming drunk and you're all fucking steaming drunk
and you're all
fucking coked up
and you can barely
pay attention
Quiplash saves the day
it's a focus
it's a focus for
everyone in the
fucking room
there can be like
eight of you
and it'll just
focus everybody on
everybody's got a
control pad
because you use
your mobile phone
and it is a good
focus and you will
always continue
to get ripped for it
have you done any gear
this festival
nah
fucking you wouldn't think
so after last night
oh yeah
so that's what
we were getting to
so I just
I find myself
sorry
sorry to interrupt
it's just
you said something
before the podcast
that a fan said
that really made me laugh
and I do want to shout out
yeah yeah yeah
please do
while it's in your mind
no no you said it it makes me laugh and I do want to shout out to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, please do. Why listen to your mind?
No, no, you said it. It makes me laugh.
Somebody come to see my show.
Thank you everybody who come to see my show, genuinely.
And thank you whoever the random stranger is who bought me a pint and when I come off stage
there was a pint waiting for us at the bar. He didn't give you a name.
I don't even know if you listen to the podcast, it might have just been
a rando. But
somebody tweeted us after my gig
saying it was lovely to hear Kai us after our gig saying it was
lovely to hear
Kai talk about
Peggy but it was
strange that he
hadn't done it
straight after
Daniel talked
about Caelan
yes
yes
the truth is out
there the world
knows
I think it was
really different
it was strange
hearing Kai
talking about
Peggy when
Daniel had
it did sound
clunky and I
imagine
yeah yeah
added lots of
words to it
in fact that
wouldn't have
even made a
tweet it would
have been like it would have been like,
whatever, 240 characters and then red at the bottom,
and you have to delete a few words to...
Or you've got to go back to old school text speak
and be like,
how much am I willing to cripple this joke
to change Nevermind to NVM?
Aye.
You fucking what, mate?
M8.
Oh, yeah.
M8, aye.
I always think that when I'm driving on the M8
I'm like oh I've made it
laughing
banter half myself
well
well
well thanks for bringing it
on the fucking podcast
laughing
aye mate
laughing
I'm good aye
laughing
laughing
tell your fucking story
please
oh honestly
because I've had a
I've had a fucking
It kind of
Tired some 24 hours
Because I
I had to go home
The reason we didn't
Record this yesterday
Is because I had to go home
After Wednesday
Because Peggy's been really sick
She's been hollying up
Everywhere and got diarrhoea
She's just ill
I guess her immune system
Is on the floor
Because of her being spayed
And shit right
We
Me and Cara were like
Because it was bad
Or it felt bad
Like just getting the updates
from like Natalie
and you
well she was going to end up
on a drip
because she wasn't drinking
like not eating is one thing
but not drinking
is a fucking problem
in this heat
right
me I said to Cara
I was like
bet it's a slug
and the reason I think
it's a slug
is because I think
the TV show we're watching
and a dog ate a slug
and died
and I'm like
well fucking here's Columbo
I've worked this out
she does see
because we get a lot of slugs
and snails
that's right
and you were telling the story
that like
there's heaps of snails
slugs on your fucking steps
but she normally
just gives them a sniff
and doesn't bother with them
she was like man
but one of them
might have had a bit of licorice
or something
I don't know why
I went with licorice
I don't know why either
does your dog
your dog like licorice
the least
the least tasty
of all the sweets
worth eating a slug for
Peggy you better be
one of the ones
with the blue ball
baron's leg
ain't there
we've got like
blue bitter
god I'd never
eat a slug
that's so disgusting
the texture
the taste
oh no
it's licorice
well
if there's a 10% chance, it's licorice, well,
if there's a 10% chance of it being licorice,
then that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
One of the best fans,
fucking offers a chewing gum,
I think it was Marty Stagg,
right,
gives us a fucking chewing gum,
I'm Stagg,
sorry you weren't invited,
he's engaged with party,
offers a chewing gum,
I put the chewing gum in,
I was like,
you've got to tell people if it's licorice.
You can't just say,
do you want a chewing gum?
P.S.
Fucking post-script
motherfucker,
it's a licorice one,
you're probably going to say no,
I'm just asking you
formally.
Just fucking,
fucking.
I feel the same way
when anyone just hands you
sparkling water.
Oh no,
here we go again
again we'll just
fast forward this
bit of the podcast
so you do it
really fast
go on do it
again and kick
off a good
sparkling water
I'll be here
yes
sorry Peggy's
dead sick
she's been
back and forth
to the vets
she got an
injection that
she didn't enjoy and we've had tablets to give her Natalie just couldn't get out of the sick and she's been back and forth to the vets she got an injection that she didn't enjoy
and we've had tablets
to give her
Natalie just couldn't
get out and eat the tablets
and she'd been up
all night
because she's been
getting excited
to fucking just
empty her arse
out of the fucking grass
and eh
Peggy right
yes yes
yes Peggy
because even though
we were telling a story
about Peggy
none of that sentence
involved Peggy we were like so were telling a story about Peggy none of that sentence involved Peggy
we were like
so Natalie's been up
every couple of hours
just letting her
arse drip in the garden
and anybody who
likes joining the podcast
now and doesn't really
know Natalie
will be like
well she married Kai
that's probably
that's probably
what she's like
it's probably just
safer
it's probably
saves her less time
the next day
having to chisel
dried shit off the side of the toilet seat
if she just hoiks it into the cabbage.
That's where the slugs are from.
So I went home just to give Natalie a break.
So she went to bed and I stayed on the couch downstairs
and Peggy was just like up and down Alanade.
And she's drinking water again, which is good,
but she's still not eating properly.
But we had to feed her our tablets.
Do you know, I was going to say,
you don't just want a fucking foie gras, but...
I had a foie gras.
Foie gras.
I had a foie gras.
I'm sorry, did I just start a bit
that you don't have the money to join in on?
Me lips are refusing it.
I'm going to do foie gras and it's like
I feel like
what's that
yes man
where the fucking
Steve Troil's trying
to read the news
it's like
it's not yes man
it's Bruce Almighty
that's the one
I can't believe
I've started a bit
where you're just like
I'm just
I'm too poverty
to join in this bit
foie
foie gras
foie gras
foie gras
no you fucked me up foie. Foie gras. Foie gras. Foie gras. Now you've fucked me up.
Foie gras.
Foie gras.
What was it?
Foie gras, I think.
Froi.
How have you fucked me out of this?
How have you brought me down to your level?
Froi squoise.
Say caviar.
Caviar.
I can't say these words.
So, oh my God, had to fucking like get right in
because you don't want to
just like pry your mouth open
because you feel like
her lips are going to get cut
on her teeth
you know what I mean
sure
she's full of lips
dogs have lips
she's like
is that what you got
she's like
honestly
I kind of get her
her lips are just
I try not to just
pierce her lips
or her teeth so I'm just rubbing her in and then I get in I for her and her lips are just I try not to just pierce her lips with her teeth
so I'm just rolling her in
and then I go in
and I pry her up
and that's when she starts
to fucking alligator thrashing
so I'm having to play her like a bagpipe
Look how masculine you try to make
feeding your tiny dog medicine
I was like Steve Larwin right I had to tackle
that she must have been 14, 15 feet long. That's not what I'm doing. I did see alligator though.
That's not what I was doing. So she starts thrashing right and then I get out my
form and Natalie manages to fucking get the catapult and we're like bing and put the
didn't use a
catapult
no no no
because they've
got some weird
like they've got
I've got a syringe
that's full of
like this hydration
fluid for when
she wasn't
drinking
so like
we'll like gunk
that into my
mouth as well
and like try
and wash it
down
and then like
held that
move shut
and the cunt
was fucking
hitting her
life
she was hitting
her life
and like
she's like
you can
like apparently
I meant to rub her throat
I didn't know how to do that
but she's done a couple of swallows
and I was like
hopefully it's gone
and I'm just like
underneath her
like with my hands
like that
to see if it drops out
and it didn't
and her face was just
coming with this
fucking chicken juice
in her whole posture man
like tail between her legs
cowering from her
and like
I felt like such a
fucking abuser
because I'd just done that
put her through hell
in that time of need
she's like
she's not even like
wagging her tail at the minute
she's fucking so depressed
at the minute right
and then I just come along
and when I come home
she did stop
the person she trusts
aye
she starts wagging her tail
for the first time
and Natalie was like
oh this is new
she's wagging her tail
she's not pouncing
like she normally does
I've been away a couple of days
she goes bananas
she's there looking at us
her eyes perk up and she starts wagging her tail and I'm giving her some love she normally does I've been away a couple of days she goes bananas she's there looking at us her eyes perk up
and she starts wagging her tail
and I'm giving her some love
and then Natalie's like
she'll give her this tablet
because it's been on her mind
like she needs these antibiotics
and I'm like
let's have a cuddle first
and I pick her up
and I'm having a cuddle
and all that
and then Natalie's like
no she's just fucking
you've got a date
and I'm like
how about then
so I just come in
and she picks up
and I'm like
there's me baby
I'm like fucking there's me baby.
I'm like, fucking aye, I'm legend.
And then she just cowers, and looks at us like, you.
And I'm there going, I do it because I love you.
Like, I'm doing it because I love you, baby.
And I'm like, that's what an abuser would say. Yeah, yeah.
Look, you made me do this.
And then she trotted off.
You scared me, and this is why I act like this.
When you scare me, I have to do things like this. I did that to this. And then she trotted off. You scared me, and this is why I act like this. When you scare me, I have to do things like this.
I did that to her.
And then she just went out to the other room.
She never leaves the room that way.
Sometimes she'll be asleep,
and I'll try and tiptoe out of the room to go in for a piss,
and she's like, I'm in.
And she comes for a piss with us,
and then comes back with us.
To see her just like, look at us.
I don't trust you.
Aye, aye. I remember last time
dogs are forgiven
it turns out
yeah
she was alright
shortly after that
yeah we could say
forgiving or
you know
stupid
stupid
I think they forget
so
so aye
that was
that was quite brutal
I didn't have much sleep
but I actually got to the gym
as well
aye
do you know how to get out of the gym?
No
I'm fucking wasting it here though
I'm
It's wasted on you
Now I'm eating at the fringe
Aye
You're not
You're not wasting it
But you do just have to
Like if you're drinking heavily
You try and
Because it's
You know
You're going to explode
So you've just got to
Bleed the radiator elsewhere
Aye
Well I've always said
Slow down the damage
I've always said There's no the damage. I've always said,
there's no point in washing your car
if you're not going to drive it.
Aye.
Just keep it on the drive leg.
Pick it for a spin.
I mean, I've been fucking spinning the car lately.
I went...
I did Spank last night.
You love it?
You love it?
You love it.
Take a late night show.
Starts at midnight.
Usually ends at about two.
It's the one where,
you know the story
where I didn't want to do the show,
did do the show, fucked up my own gig,
and then spent the end of the show lying on my back,
reading off my credits, and then got naked.
It's that story, that's what Spank is.
I don't need to do this.
Because they have a naked promo.
There was one last night where Lassie got up and promoted our show,
and she did it, and I went on.
You just get a minute to promote your show,
and then the flyer
gets on the back
of the wall
Paul Savage
come on
comedian
I don't recognise
the name
he's a
Brummie lad
I think Brummie
yeah
and he come on
and he had
fucking Velcro
shoes on
he just whipped them off
but he was like
I'll call you
I'll date you
so I
it's like
it's a kind of
variety
there's mostly
stand up
but there'll be
musical acts on
and character acts on
and sketch on
and stuff
and it's all a bit
loud and lively
we're starting off
the show
I was hosting it
last night
with Evan
and we'll get
on stage
get everybody
on their feet
and play a jump
round and everyone
just gans fucking
tits and we'll
just high five and cunts and then it go on their fucking tits and we'll just high five
and cunts
and then it starts
on that fucking
10 out of 10 energy
and so
sounds like fucking hell
you wouldn't like it
it's not for you
but frankly
time comes out
when I'm there
like
so
Shlomo
you know the beatboxer
Shlomo
he was closing it.
Can you remember a couple of years ago?
It was 2011.
A couple.
We went to the Upside Down Cow and it was a one-off show with him
doing a beatbox battle with Mortimer Jones from Police Academy.
Oh, Michael Winslow.
Aye.
Me and Rouge Warnackies.
Aye.
I think that was the night where he was like,
me naked air maxes
are warming up
aye
and he stood in your
living room
and he was like
this is the best night
I've ever had in my life
and I've got kids
he's coming on
the last weekend
oh good
so
Shlomo's on
right
he's had a daughter since then
I'm gonna ask him
aye
be like
was that anything compared to that
still the same as
Shlomo
Michael Winslow
beatbox challenge
so aye Shlomo
he brought his fucking
loop pedal on and all that
and his decks
and he just fucking
he just had the place fucking jumping, right?
And me and Evan, and some of the actors were on stage,
like, fucking jumping around and dancing and all that, right?
And we just clocked that, like, everybody was up and everybody was dancing.
But all the chairs were still there, because it was a gig,
and we just fucking, all hands on deck, just flashed the floor,
got rid of all the chairs, all the tables, and just turned into a party
and just fucking hung one on for the rest of the night.
I ended up fucking launching my T-shirt in the crowd
and I'd sunk a bottle of fucking red wine.
I was just on stage dancing topless with a bottle of red wine.
Quiet one.
Well, you've missed a very crucial part of this story.
So, meanwhile, earlier on in the evening,
Mark Nelson and Rachel Fairbairn are doing this gig
where they basically get comedians to come in
and play like three songs
like guest DJ
but has one of them got to be a clanger?
yeah yeah yeah
so you've got to put on like two absolute fucking bangers
in one that's just duff
yeah yeah
so you've got to like try and keep the party going
and clear the dance floor
yeah I think so
and you loved this idea
you were a big champion of this idea
to the point where Cullen was like I'm going home you're like no man stay out big champion of this idea to the point where
Cullen was like
I'm going home
you're like no man
stay out
I said I was going to
Gandy the last half hour
because it's on until 3
Spank's meant to finish it too
I mean Spank ended up
going on well past 3
but I was like
I'll come for the last half hour
Cullen says I'm going to go home
and I'm like
nah I'm going to
stay in the same house
I'm going to go out
to this party
and then I had a couple
of guests with us
Danny from Altitude
Jonathan
Gay Jonathan
from
not the Jonathans
there's two Jonathans
isn't there
there's three
no but there's two Jonathans
that were together
that were called
the Gay Jonathans
and then we met Jonathan
and thought he was like
without other Jonathan
and it turns out
he didn't know them
and now they know each other
the three Jonathans
all podcast fans
shout out
so
they were with us
and I was like,
well, I'm hosting Spank
so why haven't you gone
with Mark and Colin
and everyone, right?
And I ended up
gathering half a fucking hour.
I think I even got Brett along.
Aye.
I go,
let's go in there.
We'll end the night there.
I'll go and do Spank
and meet you there.
And I completely forgot
about everybody.
I literally organised
the night out
and didn't go on it.
Colin came upstairs this morning
and he's like,
where's that wanker?
He's just,
he's gone upstairs.
I'm like,
I thought you were coming back early.
He's like,
he made me stay out.
He was ready to go home at 11.30
and he was still there at 3.30
wondering where the fuck I was.
No,
because he left,
he even left at fucking 2
and it took him an hour and 40 minutes to get a taxi in Edinburgh. Oh really? Aye. That's class, because he even left at fucking two and it took him an hour and 40 minutes
to get a taxi in Edinburgh.
Oh, really?
Aye.
That's class, because I left at half past four.
Yeah, I got a taxi in the evening, bubba.
I won't go up in the taxi, man,
because we started with a shot of whiskey.
I don't know why he threw it against Devon.
He was like, I don't normally do shots.
I was like, tequila or something?
He was like, whiskey?
I was like, you don't normally do shots, but you're just or something he was like whiskey I was like you don't normally do shots
but you're just going straight in with whiskey
for something that you absolutely don't fucking shot
I was going like do you shot whiskey and sip tequila
that's how you live
but they put them on like
you know when would they jump around
we'll come on the first thing
when do you have a shot
so I'm fucking
I'd been drinking since
my show finished anyway
it's like 7.30
is that when my show finishes
45
it should finish at 7.45
top crowd was it
nah nah
I'm at 55 minutes
good numbers
big laughers
big laughers
aye
cheers for coming
Jack by the way
I didn't see you
afterwards because
you went to Cullens
didn't you
yeah
aye
he got a crowd
in the end
yeah
luckily
oh yeah
he had one sale
well he kind of
kept doing this
which is every morning
he'll put into the
group he's like
I'm on one sale
today and you're like
you're ignoring the fact
that you have
not only
really good fly outs
but a very competent agent
like
it's not like
it's not like
Brett's a home
I'm like
yeah Colin's on one sale
my work here is done
like
and then every day
I think
yesterday was one ticket
and I was like
how many did you get
in the end
he was like
oh about 30
35
I'm like right
so a full room
pretty much
he's on straight after me in the end he was like oh I'm about 30 35 so a full room pretty much he's on straight
after me
in the garrison
before me
we both
shout him out
when people are
in the area
so he's always
going to have
a walk up
I had
I always shout him
out my show
when I finish
I don't know if
I've bragged
about this enough
yet
but I finish
at 6.45
that's nice
you can go home and have dinner at dinner time can't you during the fringe you can have an early morning bragged about this enough yet but I finish at 6.45 aye that's nice oh god
you can go home
and have dinner
at dinner time
can't you
during the fridge
you can have an
early morning
play golf
aye
ignore my family
aye
ball and chain
erm
where was I
getting to
just the fact
that you fucked
Colin
oh yeah
half four in the
morning right
I get the Uber
and I obviously
fell fucking fast asleep
in the Uber
teleport home
woke up
with just a man's face
looking at us
going we're here
I didn't see the man's face
when I got in the taxi
he's fucking climbing
behind him don't you
and he's just like
through the window
he's going we're here
I just looked
and I was like
the fuck are you
oh shit
I'm in a taxi
I honestly did that
the way I was I didn't have a fucking I honestly did that when I was
I didn't have a
fucking scooby
when I was
when I woke up
in that cab this morning
but anyway
I made it home
you always get home
don't you
well
I mean
when you're a news article
aye
there's a couple of times
I haven't made it home
one time
was on the beach
in Benidorm
when I had lost you, Lord.
Is that when you threw your watch in the sea?
That's what you're telling that, aren't you?
So I fell asleep on the beach and I woke up without my watch on.
Somebody stole the watch off me, buddy.
I basically lost you guys, right?
And we had this thing where every day somebody was the bar bitch.
And they had all the money.
So everyone put their money in a pot.
It keeps you out together, apparently.
Nobody's got money apart from the one guy
who fucking gets the rounds in
and just gets the drinks in all night.
So everybody has one night where they're the bar bitch
for the rest of the time.
They just get drinks brought for them.
It's a fucking good policy of the six year.
And you're there for six days.
Yeah, there's a fucking room key now, didn't you?
I've fucking lost every cunt. I didn't know where we were. I didn't have a key in Alden I fucking
lost every
cunt
I didn't know
where we were
I didn't have
a key
so I was
just like
I'll just
lie here
on the beach
walk up
Sunday
knee watch
lane
knee tan
lane
when we
watch
also
you
do this
on tour
you do this
anywhere we
go
I will
walk
from
wherever you
and I
are staying
to wherever
we are
going
and I will watch you
not take in
a single bit
of your surroundings
there's no
I'm going to note
that shop there
I turned left
at WH Smith
I recognise this
you can just
walk around
and be like
you know
someone will show me
do you know
what will happen right
I'll be at a venue
like we're at the
Playhouse
doing a show right and the lass goes I'll show you the dressing know what'll happen right I'll be at a venue like we're at the Playhouse doing a show right
and the lass goes
I'll show you the dressing room
and she goes like
takes us down the stairs
down the corridor
into my dressing room
there's two things right
down the stairs
along the corridor
it's easy to get back from that
yeah of course it is
so I'm in my dressing room
and then I'm just like
hanging there going
it's more crack side stage
I'm not going to just hang around
me out in my dressing room
with Maxwell now
like side stage ready to go on
I'll just go on back there
so I walk back down the corridor
and then I get to the stairwell
and the stairs go up and down
and I can't remember
if I come down or up
to get here
and obviously I chose the wrong one
and I ended up back at stage door
alright
alright
alright
just like make little mental notes
or
notes on your phone
if you're that bad like write your phone if you're that bad
like write it down
if you're that much of a cunt
yeah
or chat
it's just
I mean I've got a good
sense of direction anyway
but it's just because
you remember
look at shops
and then make a stupid joke
in your head
and then later on
on the way back
you go oh yeah
aye I'll just be like
driving home going
M6
that doesn't sound
like a friend of
mine
wanted to
first of all
shout out the
fact that
Milo McCabe
is doing an
extra show
at the McEwan Hall
the McEwan Hall
on the last day
of the festival
which is a big
big boy room
that's a probably
big boy room we saw a proper big boy room
we saw Jim Jeffries there
aye
he's really good
I saw Fall Arms and Hawk
there the other day
they were excellent as always
so if you want to go see
Troy Hawk
which you absolutely
fucking should
go see him
because the rest of the tickets
are sold out
it's going to be classy
seeing him on that
bigger stage man
aye
shall we try and get
in his fucking head
beforehand he'll already be there class seeing him on that big a stage man aye should we try and get in his fucking head beforehand
oh he'll already
be there
he'll already
have that place
coming
oh man
alright walk in
we'll walk in
you'll be his
tour
we'll walk in
and he'll have a
spread
he's like
oh you guys
I didn't expect
you
no come on
the hot tub's ready
aye
I've noticed with Milo
he can't
he can't be arsed
with people
aye
he can't be arsed
with people at the minute
well
and I understand why
we'll get him on the podcast
to talk about it
but it's for so long
right
he's been
and I've said this to him
he went from doing
Phil Birtle
who was this
character act that he did
and Phil Burtle used to
fucking rip the clubs man
like he was unfollowable
he used to watch the comp there
find out a little bit
about everybody in the audience
and then fucking in his head
write a rap battle
like a kind of rap roast thing
and the man was just
do it all in a Portuguese accent
aye
he's got such an immense
work ethic
that he used to just
rip the fucking club
with Phil Burtle
and then went
oh I'm gonna
border the character
want to move on
to something new
going to start doing
this one
called Troy Hawk
we all saw the first
Troy Hawk show
and I think all of us
were like
I don't know if this
is going to work
yeah you're like
what's this
yeah didn't he have
like he was holding
a feather and had
a Wilkinson's jacket
on and he was
quite posh
yeah
he had the tash
and that
but like nobody
quite knew what
was happening
yeah
and I mean
fuck me did we
watch that evolve over the course of a few years.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there was the first...
There was the first Tiles of the Unexpected show,
which was...
I mean, look, I always like watching Milo
because, having written with him several times,
he's such a good writer.
Like, he's...
And he's so disciplined with his writing as well.
Like, when I stay with him, he's like,
let's go write.
And after, like, 45, I'm like, are we going? He's like, like let's go write and after like 45 I'm like are we going
he's like we've got two more hours here and I'm like
alright Jesus Christ
he's so wordy as well
he's got so much of a
fucking better command of the English language
than either of us but most of me
but then as the unexpected was
the show when I saw him I was like okay fucking
now we're onto something.
And then he did what so many comedians didn't pull the trigger on fast enough,
where he just went,
you know what,
fuck it,
I'm going to work out what this TikTok thing is,
I'm going to work out what these fucking rules are,
and I'm going to apply myself to them.
And because he used,
when me and Cara were talking about it last night,
he put out fucking videos of him doing,
essentially,
Troy Hawk stand-up
in front of a fucking green screen.
And it would get like,
300 views,
700 views, 1100 views.
You're like, all right, okay.
And then obviously now that has blown up to two and a half million.
Everything's been fucking selling out for him.
He's had another... So he's at the point now where every time he's come to this festival, he's had people
basically ignoring him because he's been doing the Free Friends show and he's been
building up this fucking character.
Oh, like that'soty about character comedy or whatever
it's just a different dynamic
Yeah and you know
he even used to get reviewers in
because reviewers are going to see all the paid shows
and he's just been doing you know
the Free Fringe and
But I'd say on the whole everybody loved him
it's not like there wasn't any bad will towards him
No no no
but it was just that like it never had
I whether it's true or not absolutely fucking relate there wasn't any bad will towards him no but it was just that like it never had I
whether it's true or not
absolutely fucking relate to
you can't have been fucking ignoring me
while I've been doing shit
for fucking ages
and now that I'm doing well
you can all go fuck yourselves
because that's what he's going through
he's like
people are being so nice to me
more people are going
dog-dogging to me
and I'm like
I'll fucking bet they are
because I was chatting with him
and someone came over
and just
I was like
he was drunk
it was two in the morning
and an artist born
I mean you're allowed to be drunk
right
he came over and he was like
you're doing alright aren't you
that's going well
and all that
and pat him on the shoulder
and my lawyer was just
quite dismissive
like kind of
body language
that I'm having a conversation
he had and wanted to be interrupted
and I was like
oh he's getting tired of this he's getting tired of like drunk people that would never'm having a conversation he had and wanted to be interrupted and I was like oh he's getting
tired of this
he's getting
tired of like
drunk people
that would never
have maybe come
up to him in the
past like having
a
well because
I just
I guess what I
would just feel
so fucking
fake which is
I've seen you
drunk in this
bar every
fucking year
for the past
five fucking
years
you've never
made the way
over
you've never
come up and
introduced yourself
to me
like we've been
sat at a fucking table
with a friend of mine
that you think
is more famous
and speak to him
and I've had you
ignore me
cut me at the conversation
and now you're me
absolutely do one
I get that
you called it that
this year
you'll get nominated
and you'll be chuffed
for him
because he deserves it
but you'll be fucking angry
at the judges
for not nominating him
in previous years
when he was exactly as good as he is now yeah yeah yeah but it's just what they'll do and they'll be fucking angry at the judges for not nominating him in previous years when he was exactly as
good as he is
now
yeah yeah yeah
but it's just
what they'll do
and they'll be
the same fucking
reviewers
they'll be
parasitic
yeah and be
like I helped
I was part of
the succession
like Milo
McCabe is
responsible for
Milo McCabe's
success
like his agent's
great but I
don't think they
can claim any
of the success
it's his fucking
work ethic
it's like Eminem
going after the Grammys and the Kamikaze album yeah yeah it's his fucking work ethic aye it's like Eminem going after the
Grammys and the
Kamikaze album
aye
yeah yeah
it's exactly like that
aye
that's Melo
this is Melo's
Kamikaze album
going after the critics
I'm not doing any
extra shows
I'm not doing any
extra shows on my
show obviously
but I've got so many
fucking friends
I only see
during the fringe
everyone goes
can you jump up
and do a show
and this year
I've been all about like no I only see during the fringe and everyone goes can you jump up and do a show and this year I've been all about
like no
I don't want to do any extra shows
and then Cara right from the point of doubt
she's like you know
you do enjoy them
you end up going there
and it's a chance to
instead of just doing an hour
it's working on a bit
to turn it into a 10 minute bit
15 minute bit
and you're like
I fucking guess
so I've got two this week
this week is the week
that I'm doing the extra shows and then everyone else couldn't
so where are you doing them, same venue?
no no no, there's not extra shows on my show
I'm jumping on
a friend's show
Caitlin's, Caitlin Cook
I don't know when it is, I want to say
The Hive, but it's like
it's a fake birthday party
it's a compilation show, it's like me, Phil Wang
and I think I have O'Graham oh that's a fake birthday party it's a compilation show it's like me Phil Wang and I think Ivo Graham
so it's an easy line up
oh that's a good line up
and then
and then I'm also doing
Tim FitzIam
has
improv
kind of show
are you directing it?
yes
are you offering the guest director?
yeah yeah yeah
so him
and I cannot remember
the name of the
other lovely man
who I've met several times
who is very very funny
because I'm a bad person
with a terrible memory
but those two
are doing the play
Macbeth
but they have a director
in the room with them
and the director
is just a fucking comedian
and the director
can direct it
however they fucking like
so he was telling me
the other day
they had Simon Munnery on
and obviously
Tim and
they're such good actors
and obviously
they know all of Macbeth
that's why they're doing it
fucking Tim owns a theatre
that Shakespeare
actually performed plays at
yeah
yeah
he was telling us about that
like he's so
such an interesting dude
yeah he really is
and he's
like he teaches his children
archery
because they might need it
aye
he's a very
funny
genuine
endearing
eclectic man
so
so
fucking Tim walks on stage and starts talking about they'll know Tim he's in there genuine endearing eclectic man so Simon Murray's so fucking
Tim walks on stage
he starts talking about
they'll know Tim
he's in the
he's in the
advert
where it's like
in English
Indiana Jones
going through the sewers
and he comes out
like in a car warehouse
yes
that's
the one with his hat
on coming out
with the manhole
on his head
that's Tim Fitzhiam
yeah
so
Simon Murray's directing
Tim walks on
does the opening monologue
for Macbeth
and Simon just goes
no no no
I want it
in my head
Macbeth is French
and so then
Tim just has to go off
and come back on
but of course
because it's fucking Tim
Tim speaks
fluent French
and starts just
doing the
Macbeth monologue
in French
and then Simon goes no no no no
I'm in a French accent
goes off and then his next
note was like I expected Macbeth to be taller
and just so the whole thing is fucking
chaos so he was telling me about that and I was like
Tim always is very good at creating
shows where comedians can guess and it's not
making comedians do stand up
but it's just giving them the chance to do what
comedians love which is create chaos like it's not making comedians do stand-up, but it's just giving them the chance to do what comedians love,
which is create chaos.
Like, it's very setlist-y.
He did a show...
I never saw it because it clashed with setlist, I think,
but you might have done it.
It's the one where... It's like a court case.
This is your trial.
This is your trial and you've got to put in the booth to defend yourself.
Yeah, no, no, yeah, yeah.
You're either the prosecutor and the audience would put in,
you know, my dad farts too much and you'd have to prosecute him, you'd either the prosecutor and the audience would put in,
you know, my dad farts too much and you'd have to prosecute him.
You'd have to defend him.
One of us, the judge,
that was always a good fun show.
Because you called me a...
Well, I mean, this just fits in,
but because you called me a Tory
at the start of the podcast,
let's take it back down to your level.
The reason I'm going to ask you this question
is because last night
I came back, Caleb was already in bed
took a while, I had to get him down a couple more times
uninteresting, anyway, he finally goes down
me and Cara decide because it's sunny
it's been a beautiful couple of days
in Scotland, we're going to go out
set in the new garden furniture
and just enjoy our garden
and have some dinner
and we're both so fucking lazy
that we just had
beans on toast
and blue wicket
so
we just
fucking sat
up there
it's so funny
how like
I went to Natalie's level
if you went to
Cara's level
when it comes to food
sat there
on our fucking patio
new furniture
looking at a Tesla
in the driveway
being like
fucking hell
good beans on toast
how's your blue wicket
is it good
of course I'll straw
pedo it
this is class
god how good is it
that we worked our way
to upper middle class
but man
that's cultural appropriation
I think that like
well
so
there's
man
I love
so much
like
eating beans and toast last night
I'm like
it's just such a good
fucking meal
do you ever put a handful of grated cheese on it
absolutely
and over butter the toast
like the
you absolutely fucking drench the toast in butter
that must be a sluss thing that like
they both nodded like the Churchill dog
they're like
I thought we'd went over a speed bump wrench the toast in butter. That must be a slush thing, they both nodded like the Churchill dog, didn't they?
I thought we'd went over a speed bump.
So,
and then we just talk about it,
like,
what's your favourite,
what's your like,
even if I go to the best fucking restaurants in the world,
and have the greatest fucking steak and caviar and whatever what council meal will it still never fucking replace like just that what's the council meal
that'll never be replaced by the but for you so the beans on toast is one the other one is for me
it's a different half of council meal like but you know like just just like a sunday dinner like
we're fucking yorkshire puns and all that because I
like
that's just everywhere though
isn't it
yeah
that transcends class
like everybody has the fucking
Yorkshire puns
I'm talking
and this is a
this is a god tier
fucking meal
right
but all the people
will be looking down their nose
and say it's not
fish fingers
chips and beans
and potatoes
absolute fucking
oh you can place those chips
for potato smileys, that's
like
yes I'm seven years old but that's why
I'm eating it, to get me back to that time
where I didn't need meditation to have
an empty head
like I could just go back
to a time when my only concern was
how fast can I throw this down
my fucking gullet so I can go
outside and play more football?
Mince and mash.
Oh, there you go.
Mince and mash, like a proper fucking hearty,
like wartime fucking winter meal.
Yeah, get you through the winter.
Yeah, yeah.
Like you're still on a ration book.
I think there's a baker in Edinburgh,
I think I mentioned him before, the bald baker,
and he does, there's a pie I missed the other day and I'm genuinely fucking gutted. A baker in Edinburgh, I think I mentioned him before, the bald baker.
And he does... There's a pie I missed the other day and I'm genuinely fucking gutted.
Like, Cara walked into the room with utter disgust on her face
and just went, he's done something that you're going to love
and that just means the bald baker's created an atrocity that only I...
And he's done it before.
Can I guess?
Please.
Is it like a macaroni and cheese pie?
No, no, no. Hey, she's Scottish. She loves macaroni and cheese pie? No, no, no.
Hey, she's Scottish.
She loves macaroni and cheese pies.
Those are real good.
He's done, for example, he's done like Thai green curry pies.
And it comes with like a naan bread on top.
He's done the council pies.
And the council pie is beans, mashed potatoes, potato smiley, turkey twizzlers.
He's just like, fuck it.
I've got pie bases.
I know the audience
yeah
he's like
just random shit
he did Haggisneeps
and Tatty's pies
he's done like
black pudding
and Tatty's
he just
he's an artist man
every morning he wakes up
he's like
I'm just gonna fuck
with pies today
I don't know
and I can't confirm
that he's a fucking stoner
but it's called
the bald baker
it's obviously
because he bakes
but does he bake the other way?
You can't be sober and make these pies
for people. Anyway.
Kebab pie. Oh shit, I thought
kebab pie is the thing.
I thought the thing was the, what you said before
the turkey twist. No, no, no.
So that was just an example. That's just another
pun you made on a whim. So
kebab pie?
Aye.
And I was desperate to absolutely fucking froth in the mouth
to just go and try this bomb.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
No?
No, I feel like...
I'm saying this as a smoker.
I think that'll kill you.
For any international people, when I say kebab,
I don't mean like
chicken on a skewer
done nicely over a grill
I mean like
Turkish
Scottish Turkish kebab
oh like
I don't like kebab
like shish kebab
no no
donna
aye donna
alright
alright I'm drunk
I'm drunk
it's three in the morning
yeah
he's not
no no no
he's not open
he's open
sorry man wait a minute he's not opening it. He's opening it.
Sorry, man.
Wait a minute.
He's through the day.
Man,
worse,
they sold out by half eleven.
What?
People aren't having it
for breakfast.
Oh my God.
Like,
this is fucking Scotland man
isn't it
that's Scotland
that man
will never go
out of fucking
business
we've ordered
because he doesn't
just do the pies
man
he started just
during lockdown
I think the story
is he just
started like
baking like
cakes and
sweet treats
and fucking
you know
chocolate and
cornflakes
all those
like kids
it was just really good so I kind of started ordering and it was like fucking you know chocolate and cornflakes all those like kids
it was just really good
so I kind of started ordering
and it was like
fucking crack
okay man
like I
on several occasions
I had a word with her
where I'm like
you have to fuck
stop ordering from there
because I just don't
have this
self control
as a stoner
depressed during lockdown
to not eat
everything you order
from this cunt
every time every time I've like come over for the podcast in the past few weeks it's been like fucking Hansel and Gretel Donors are pressed during lockdown. People eat everything you order from this cunt.
Every time I've come over for the podcast in the past few weeks,
it's been like fucking Hansel and Gretel's house in there.
Everything's just been made of sugar.
Aye, aye.
And I've been really looking at it.
I'm like, oh, no, I've just put my teeth back in.
But if I hadn't, I'd just have a nibble and then be like, oh.
They delivered to us the other week, right?
I think Colin had ordered for Cara's birthday.
Colin ordered her a bunch of treats from her favourite fucking place
and they delivered it and the woman went
you order from here a lot, weren't you
in the shop the other day? And I slammed the door
I was like, that's not the type of
recognition I like, it's meant to be
aren't you Daniel Slossnot?
Hold on fatty
Hold on Did you order to be aren't you Daniel Slottsnott hold on fatty hold on
we're gonna hold on did you order
from the shop because you're embarrassed
to come in because you've been in so many times
just post the box
leave please
take your mouth away from the letterbox
that Nick Helm bit that he
had where he shouts I'm not going to do
anything in his thing right but he had this thing
about you know I had so much from the pizza shop he was paranoid that the
delivery guy would think it was big fat cut right she was like oh well David is
like I'll put on some music and make it bustling and then fucking answer the
door like I showed something through the pizzas here I've got the pizza and he's
like answer the door in my pants and he's screaming
he's going
and now the pizza man
thinks I'm on a pizza
for a pants party
very funny
aye
so Bald Baker
if this gets back to you
and you want to sponsor
the podcast
we don't need any money
no we'll just keep
bringing it up
like number go to deal they're fucking greasy they're podcast we don't need any money no we'll just keep bringing it up like non-regarded
fucking greasy
they're not greasy
don't
well isn't it a non-greasy kebab
like you're doing a
Josh Foreman
I've not had the kebab by yet
I missed my fucking chance
there's another place
that we definitely have to go through
while we pretend to be foodies
in the fringe
he's at the Paulworth
Tavern, his name on Instagram is
king.of.feasts
and he makes
sandwiches that
if he was my partner
I'd kill him
in his sleep because
because you'd roll on top of him and you're so fat
that you'd smother him
I meant to just like as well, as I'm getting larger
and I still have the ability to get up and margarine,
I have to margarine.
And you don't need to wash your cock with a toilet duck.
Poor duck.
Just a poor, poor, sad duck.
We've got a friend called Duck who started playing golf with us.
He's over for the French.
He's managing Fo arms and hog um now i've been really struggling when like i text him or group chat
whatever because i have changed the word duck to fuck in my autocorrect because i kept changing
fuck to duck and i kept like duck off you're like i'm never gonna let that happen again
i literally can't write duck I can't write it
I have to like
go back and write it out
and then like
cancel the autocorrect
to say his name
and then I'm like
fuck I'm going to have to undo it
aye
do you
or you could just fall out with him
huh
fall out with him
aye
just never speak to him again
that would be a
oh no
because then people will be like
why did you fall out with duck
and you'll be like
well can I tell you something horrendous please just never speak to him again that would be a oh no because then people will be like why did you fall out with Duck and you'll be like well because
can I tell you something horrendous
please
we'll cut it
if you think it's inappropriate
great
right
so when I was
telling people about this
you can just change something
right
like so if I
if I press AA
it comes up my email address
oh do I know this story
and it was like
just so I don't put too many kisses on a text right and I'd just done it it comes up my email address. Oh, do I know this story? And it was like,
just so I don't put too many kisses on a text, right?
And I'd just done it just for the sake of a screen grab.
I put the N word.
So when you press XXX,
it comes up with the N word and I screen capped it and sent it.
And I'm like, just in case I put too many kisses on a text message.
And I forgot to change it.
Natalie texted her mum.
I was wearing a B-Fat and I was to change it Natalie texted her mum we were on a
beef fight
and I was in
the shower
with Daniel
and she was like
we've got here
the hotel's really
nice
and then dropped
the n-bomb
on her
middle eastern
mum
I forgot to
take it out
I forgot to
take it out
I forgot it was there it had I forgot to take it out.
I forgot it was there.
It had been there for fucking ages.
I mean, I don't really think the bit you need to be defending is not taking it out.
No, no, it's putting it in.
It's putting it in.
It was just a fucking...
It was a screen grab for a joke.
It was a screen grab.
There's no way I could put too many...
Like, bad joke, shit.
But it was
funny in the end
it was funny in the end
when I come out
of the shower
and Natalie
couldn't breathe
for laughing
she was fucking
humiliated
and embarrassed
and just couldn't
process
she'd malfunctioned
completely
and she just had
her hair in her hand
and she was trying
to tell us
and just kept crying
laughing
I was like
what
she was like pointing at her phone and pointing at me.
Sorry, Wade.
I mean...
I remember when this happened and just, like, you text me
and I just for you
cringed into such a small ball
you know when like people with ADHD
get a packet of crisps
and they put it in their finger
and put it into those
like small little
you folded yourself like a crisp packet
just into such a small ball
and popped up your sock
into your jeans pocket
it's mad
it's mad that she still married's mad it's mad that she
still married you
and it's mad
that her parents
still completely
and utterly
don't on you
and think
they're really
fond of us
I don't get it
well
I know why
her dad's fond of you
that old bigot
I think I'm from
a Tory hotbed
we're going to do
another podcast
straight after this
with our homeboy
Ryan Cullen
aye
you've got a bald man
in here
to get him to
fucking explain himself
I've
I don't know
we'll decide
in the moment
just his existence
yeah
explain this
just trying to catch
just all of it
where to start.
What part of this do you think you nailed?
Just tell me.
When you look in the mirror and you're like,
yes, time to present to the world,
what was it?
You know if you made goals for yourself
or any of them?
How far are you going to achieve in them?
And if you're close to them
why do you need better goals
so tune in for that
on the Bits
episode