Sloss and Humphries On The Road - San Pellegrino Problems

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

At the approximate half way stage in the fringe Daniel is still in family man mode while Kai has had multiple late nights, between nursing a sick dog and being a reprobate. Middle class problems are r...edefined after Cream discovers his drink of choice is Tory Fanta.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Good podcast morning, listeners. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. If you are a Patreon, congratulations on getting this episode before all of those other worthless, cheap fucking scumbags. Really take a moment to appreciate how much fucking better you are listening to this the day it came out instead of waiting just in the fucking slums
Starting point is 00:00:28 like the rest of those cheap cunts how much better, you're just so much better really, just drink it in for a second and while you're drinking it in to everyone that's not on the Patreon, welcome to the podcast you fucking tight cunts how are you enjoying it a couple days later we're so relevant that you've missed
Starting point is 00:00:44 I wouldn't even listen to this if I were you because it's so far in the fucking past that it doesn't make sense anymore references are outdated none of it makes sense, three people have died since then, it's a waste of your fucking time thanks as always for listening or watching
Starting point is 00:01:00 for those of you that watch, thanks for that I promise one day it might encourage us to have a better fashion sense, but not fucking today, cuntos. It's a fun episode, it's just us two, talking shit, and then there's a really, really horrible story that kind of tells at the end. We've left it in, for better or worse. So enjoy!
Starting point is 00:01:20 Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats?
Starting point is 00:01:34 That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Fucking state of you last night.
Starting point is 00:01:50 Yes, the state of me. Let me run through my day yesterday and let's talk about the state of me and then we can compare. So yesterday morning, I woke up and Cara went to do bridesmaid shopping. Nice, she bought some bridesmaids. Yep. Thai bridesmaids.. Nice, bought some bridesmaids. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:05 Thai bridesmaids. Yeah. She got them off the internet. No, she wants ones that match her. So it was like an Aberdeenian, Aberdonian like cow market. She went to Leith. Real bad.
Starting point is 00:02:18 The schemes in Kilmarnock. Yeah, it wasn't like a classy auction thing where you hold up a table tennis, oh, sorry, a big pong bucket with your number on it and be like that's what I'm bidding on it was
Starting point is 00:02:29 cattle market yelling just on Aberdeen don't even souse and did she get a few she got a few yeah not even going to get them dresses
Starting point is 00:02:37 she's going to paint something on them aye wall paint yeah yeah just well you ever seen those body dresses that people paint on themselves sometimes?
Starting point is 00:02:45 Oh, yeah. You're sort of looking like it's not a dress and you go, oh, she's, that's a naked lady, that's why I like that dress. Like her next man.
Starting point is 00:02:50 Because it's not one. Jennifer Lawrence Mystique. Is it Mystique? Aye. Aye, an ex-man, she was painted on, wasn't she? Yeah, but I think
Starting point is 00:02:58 it wasn't just painted on, I think it was like prosthetics as well, it was scales and shit. They weren't just like, oh, I fancy,'t just like I fancy I fancy Mr Smurf when I was a kid
Starting point is 00:03:09 so let's just spray you blue and make a movie that's pretty much what happened that's the story of X-Men so woke up she fucked off with Caelan I because I'm not going full Tory despite the fact that you've just pointed out that I am drinking Tory Fanta.
Starting point is 00:03:27 Tory Fanta, San Pellegrino. Luminata. It's just, it's so much better and it devastates, I've never heard it called Tory Fanta. With a little foil. And it cuts me because it's so accurate. But it's so much better than Fanta. And that is what a Tory would say.
Starting point is 00:03:42 It comes with a foil lid because you don't want to get the dust on your lips. a Tory would say it comes with a foil lid because you don't really get the dust on your lips you're like I'm going to get
Starting point is 00:03:50 a foil lid just so that if anybody's touched it it's not going to get on my lips and then you just kind of
Starting point is 00:03:53 poke holes in it with a fucking smoke good of it no it's just so I know that when I buy it overseas I know the
Starting point is 00:04:00 dirty locals haven't licked the top of it that's what it is it's not a class thing so I've gone toady there I'm a member of a golf club
Starting point is 00:04:12 excuse me I'm a member of a golf club I'm just going to turn up your light a little bit, can you mumble that again I'm a member of a golf club I thought that's what you said does that mean you can just come and go anytime you please it's round the corner, I get in my car, I drive round I don't have to talk to club. I thought that's what you said. Does that mean you can just come and go any time you please? Oh, Kai, it's around the corner.
Starting point is 00:04:26 I get in my car, I drive around. I don't have to talk to anyone because I've got my range card. So what I do is I just walk up to the ball dispensing machine. I put my card up to it and it dispenses 40 balls. You don't have to go to the counter
Starting point is 00:04:39 and get a ticket. No, no. You pay for your ticket and then type in the code. That's what the people that don't have memberships have to do they have to go and
Starting point is 00:04:46 talk to people it's just go on hit some balls none of them will none of them will like it's we've all gone into golf
Starting point is 00:04:53 like since January because we're all in our 30s and we're just like leaning this is the time of our life and I keep saying to Gara I'm like look I know you think
Starting point is 00:05:01 it's fucking lame and I also think it's a bit lame but at the end of the day it's really good for all of also think it's a bit lame, but at the end of the day, it's really good for all of our mental health to, like, go out once a week with four or five of your mates. Get away from the bird. And the kid.
Starting point is 00:05:15 Just that fucking, the nagging and the crying. No, no, but it's good to go out with your mates, have a fucking laugh early on in the morning in the fresh air, and get, like, a mild bit of exercise. It's really good for my mental health. And she's she's like yeah why do you come back so angry then i'm like no i but no but that's just because i'm shitting it gara and that's the that's like when we took up knitting yeah everyone just like it's so mindful like you can just like just zone in for like 45 minutes and just just making like something that you couldn't even catch large fishing
Starting point is 00:05:46 aye and then you drop a stitch and you just get road rage you just want to kill people you're like it's so mindful of this fuck off and die I've wasted me life
Starting point is 00:05:54 how did you get that there how's that there that doesn't make any fucking sense so you went and played golf on your own just on my own just
Starting point is 00:06:02 oh and there was a bunch of kids getting lessons behind me. And you know how the worst thing about snowboarding is being fucking overtaken by little Leon and all his other French seven-year-old mates who are really good at skiing, right, when kids are just better.
Starting point is 00:06:16 And there's just a bunch of fucking Tory kids behind me, fucking melting balls down the fucking fairway. In Scotland with the Queen's English. No, no, no, they did have, but, I mean, they had Edinburgh accents. melting balls down the fucking fairway in Scotland with the Queen's English no no they did have but I mean they had Edinburgh accents
Starting point is 00:06:27 one of them and I was laughing my ass off this guy must have been about 8 or 9 years old every single time he hit the ball he just yelled Brexit means Brexit
Starting point is 00:06:37 every time 40 fucking balls nobody said it he just went Brexit means Brexit and I felt that's so funny he fucking killed me
Starting point is 00:06:49 the first time was mid my swing so look I hit it badly but what was the but that was the only one I hit straight actually just to fucking
Starting point is 00:06:57 anger my swing turned around laughed and then he just kept doing it and some of the other kids were joining none of them knew
Starting point is 00:07:04 what it meant he didn't know what he was saying and all the other people some of the other kids were joining none of them knew what it meant, he didn't know what he was saying and all the other people like all the other people in the driver range are just 75 year old men going, I'm on the boy, I'm on the boy and it's just me laughing until the fucking
Starting point is 00:07:16 I can't remember her name probably should have given it anyway, the one that's given the lessons, she was just, do you even know what Brexit means, he's like, yeah absolutely that's given the lessons. She was just, do you even know what Brexit means? He's like, yeah, absolutely. She's like, I don't think you know what you're saying. He's like, yeah, I do.
Starting point is 00:07:31 You don't know what I'm saying. And we're both like, oh, okay. So it's just... It's a child. Oh, hi. Can you remember when Brexit happened and we were in Glastonbury and it was just quite sullen
Starting point is 00:07:40 and then we ended up at that light show, you know, where they had these fucking buildings without a light show. We were they had these fucking buildings we were there with Marcus Brigstall and his missus and she had concocted this thing
Starting point is 00:07:51 which was I don't think it was gin but she had some sort of like really strong alcohol that you had to down immediately followed by
Starting point is 00:07:59 a mauwam and she was like trust me it's so good and we were like there's no way a mauwam's washing the taste of that
Starting point is 00:08:06 out your mouth fucking wouldn't you know it was put it in so strong take the Marwam the sweetness
Starting point is 00:08:13 overrides it and it was fucking delicious and the reason I know it's not gin is because the other day you tried gin and Marwam I was like
Starting point is 00:08:20 I'm chasing the dragon I was like chasing the dragon from Mar I was out chasing the dragon from Bowlands because I needed to get that fucking high man no it's never
Starting point is 00:08:31 the second one I was never I tried look we tried it in Glastonbury and I just I hadn't had it since I'd been thinking
Starting point is 00:08:36 about it for a while it was at Little Alley in Markerson that's an ex relationship as well so it's not like you can tap a Markerson and go hey mate
Starting point is 00:08:42 will you get in touch with your ex lass I'd better know what that was please Marcus is just out the blue DM slaying his ex guy there
Starting point is 00:08:50 yeah what was that word with my wife again just quick question was it schnapps just out of the blue was it schnapps ooh mate it
Starting point is 00:08:55 could have been schnapps could have been schnapps now that I think about it schnapps and my wife sounds like right after this
Starting point is 00:09:00 no well so I'm at little Ali because he got married during Covid because everyone was delayed he was just like fuck it
Starting point is 00:09:07 we'll just do it here and we'll have the party later so they all booked out these cabins in the woods
Starting point is 00:09:11 sort of things and it was just us there and one of the days obviously everyone has brought their own stuff
Starting point is 00:09:16 there's a bottle of gin some moa and my dumbass goes my horrible stoner memory
Starting point is 00:09:21 replays the entire thing of us at Glastonbury going through, and I was like, it was gin. It was gin.
Starting point is 00:09:28 And I tell everyone the story, and they're like, no way. You upsold it. You pitched it. You got it down around the table. You broke up conversations to gather around. Guys, guys, guys.
Starting point is 00:09:37 No, leave your kids. They can't have gin. Why would they be here? Oh, Daniel's attention seeking again. What, Daniel? All right. Okay. So, yeah yeah that moment
Starting point is 00:09:47 four or five of us were like alright we're definitely going to try this and man straight Jen is fucking
Starting point is 00:09:53 bogging right but I'm there and be like and the second it touches my lips I go I don't
Starting point is 00:09:58 huge mistake no no I was just like I don't remember my mum's being that powerful like this feels you know when you do hot sauce
Starting point is 00:10:06 and people go, is it a hot one? and your mouth just goes, it's not kicked in yet, but just like, you know fuck yeah, it was that with gin. So has Marwam and gin got the same like destructive qualities as like orange juice and toothpaste? Oh, I would
Starting point is 00:10:22 say it's the more adult version of that despite the fact that Malwhams is in the equation that's a gross oversight that those two things don't go together because they're the first two things you have with your day you don't have them separate I do feel like maybe that's
Starting point is 00:10:37 you know how maybe you get Skittles vodka, which is obviously you just get Skittles, you put it in vodka if you separate them into the colours and you put it in it becomes slightly sweeter, it's still fucking vodka you separate them into the colours and you put it in it becomes slightly sweet it's still fucking vodka but it's luminous colours
Starting point is 00:10:48 and it's slightly more fucking sugary the slightly upper class version of that is trying to dissolve my whams in gin right I think that's
Starting point is 00:10:56 well I feel like maybe not maybe you're going to end up like the fucking alchemist well maybe it's the lower one because maybe gin's
Starting point is 00:11:01 actually less classy now that I think about it because you can make gin with fucking anything. My dad invented a machine that turns vodka into gin in, like, what was it, 45 seconds? Well, he invented it in 45 seconds, so it turns vodka into gin in 45 seconds.
Starting point is 00:11:16 Nice. What I was getting at before was when we had that malware moment watching The Late Show where we were, like, shouting Brexit into the sky. I don't know if I can do this with me. Oh, I can. But we're going, Brexit! Brexit! Brexit!
Starting point is 00:11:27 And obviously at Glastonbury, we were sad Brexit happened as well. But like everyone else at Glastonbury, we were just there, standing around in a field being like, well, I guess that's what we all get for going to Glastonbury instead of voting this weekend.
Starting point is 00:11:39 Whoopsie-daisy! The whole city's worth of people not voting. Yeah, yeah. And all, and they're all voting fucking left that was where the Jeremy Corbyn
Starting point is 00:11:46 fucking chant started everyone was like in the fucking pyramid stage like whoa Jeremy Corbyn did you vote for
Starting point is 00:11:53 no no I forgot but everyone else here did right because I didn't have my leggings the left can't mobilise
Starting point is 00:12:01 no we can't watch Foo Fighters that's who headlined that year on it it was Foo Fighters that's who headlined that year wasn't it? It was they were great so so you went
Starting point is 00:12:08 you played golf played golf you mess the fucking stadium aye and then after that I think we were meant to be doing podcasts and then
Starting point is 00:12:17 meant to be getting kill fightings but other things happened and we had to change those plans so I had the day off well during the day so me and Cara
Starting point is 00:12:26 just avoided this oh no that's not true Cara was raging at me all day yesterday because she likes the sun she's a person
Starting point is 00:12:34 she's a lizard she doesn't just go out there and just be in it all the time I thought you were going to do a new hack there
Starting point is 00:12:38 do you want to do a new hack my wife's mad at this because I cheated on her in a dream I can smell it coming I can see when a comedian's about to do it I grabbed Liam Farrelly the other day I was like he's because I cheated on her in a dream I could smell it coming I could see when a comedian is about to do it
Starting point is 00:12:46 I grabbed Liam Farrelly the other day I was like he's a boot in a dream cheap thing yeah that is proper new hack
Starting point is 00:12:51 and it's so common you see it everywhere no no no so she was mad because my mum my mum has been and she was like
Starting point is 00:13:01 do you mind if one day I come round and just clean parts of your house that I know you can't be arsed cleaning? Because we've been on the waiting list for a cleaner for fucking two months.
Starting point is 00:13:11 It's pretty tough being middle class in Edinburgh right now. San Pellegrino problems, I say. And that's the name of the podcast, San Pellegrino problems. Yeah, I mean, it very much is. So my mum came round spent the day with Caelan and then we all just
Starting point is 00:13:26 helped tidy up the house and me and Cara were cleaning our room my mum and baby sat playing with Caelan so Cara's just like dusting in our room looking outside
Starting point is 00:13:35 at my mum playing with Caelan in the sun she was like you're a cunt and I'm like I know we picked I didn't pick the sunniest day
Starting point is 00:13:43 we picked this day to do this and it came round just because the sunniest day. We picked this day to do this. And it came around just because the sun's out doesn't mean I can cancel the fucking plans. Yeah, because you just went out to save a kill and then get your mum to tell you. Well, I mean, we did do that. Well, we did.
Starting point is 00:13:57 You ended up doing that. I was going to say you didn't clean this place. No, no. It's not quite nice. Aye, aye. Ari would be proud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't clean it
Starting point is 00:14:05 because Ari said but it was we were just like we can't keep we can't keep podcasting like this I spoke to Reece Nicholson
Starting point is 00:14:12 yesterday and he's going to come and do the podcast he's really up for it we couldn't have brought him back we could bring Ari back to Crack Den
Starting point is 00:14:19 or fucking oh that's not true I mean I'll save most of these stories for when Reece is here but me and Rhys have had some fucking
Starting point is 00:14:27 crack denny moments like we've had real because that was where the tradition started we spoke about this in the last podcast
Starting point is 00:14:34 of the fucking barbecues used to just be aye I think me Rhys and Kyron and you once played scattergories
Starting point is 00:14:42 on cocaine until eight in the morning, one French? Aye, I mean that. Because that's the kind of... That was like acoustic quiplash. Quiplash unplugged is what we used to play word games on paper.
Starting point is 00:14:58 That is... I get fucking ripped for it fairly, but there's nothing like when you're all fucking steaming drunk and you're all fucking steaming drunk and you're all fucking coked up and you can barely pay attention
Starting point is 00:15:08 Quiplash saves the day it's a focus it's a focus for everyone in the fucking room there can be like eight of you and it'll just
Starting point is 00:15:14 focus everybody on everybody's got a control pad because you use your mobile phone and it is a good focus and you will always continue
Starting point is 00:15:23 to get ripped for it have you done any gear this festival nah fucking you wouldn't think so after last night oh yeah so that's what
Starting point is 00:15:31 we were getting to so I just I find myself sorry sorry to interrupt it's just you said something before the podcast
Starting point is 00:15:39 that a fan said that really made me laugh and I do want to shout out yeah yeah yeah please do while it's in your mind no no you said it it makes me laugh and I do want to shout out to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, please do. Why listen to your mind? No, no, you said it. It makes me laugh.
Starting point is 00:15:50 Somebody come to see my show. Thank you everybody who come to see my show, genuinely. And thank you whoever the random stranger is who bought me a pint and when I come off stage there was a pint waiting for us at the bar. He didn't give you a name. I don't even know if you listen to the podcast, it might have just been a rando. But somebody tweeted us after my gig saying it was lovely to hear Kai us after our gig saying it was
Starting point is 00:16:05 lovely to hear Kai talk about Peggy but it was strange that he hadn't done it straight after Daniel talked about Caelan
Starting point is 00:16:10 yes yes the truth is out there the world knows I think it was really different it was strange
Starting point is 00:16:18 hearing Kai talking about Peggy when Daniel had it did sound clunky and I imagine yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:16:21 added lots of words to it in fact that wouldn't have even made a tweet it would have been like it would have been like, whatever, 240 characters and then red at the bottom,
Starting point is 00:16:29 and you have to delete a few words to... Or you've got to go back to old school text speak and be like, how much am I willing to cripple this joke to change Nevermind to NVM? Aye. You fucking what, mate? M8.
Starting point is 00:16:42 Oh, yeah. M8, aye. I always think that when I'm driving on the M8 I'm like oh I've made it laughing banter half myself well well
Starting point is 00:16:50 well thanks for bringing it on the fucking podcast laughing aye mate laughing I'm good aye laughing laughing
Starting point is 00:17:00 tell your fucking story please oh honestly because I've had a I've had a fucking It kind of Tired some 24 hours Because I
Starting point is 00:17:08 I had to go home The reason we didn't Record this yesterday Is because I had to go home After Wednesday Because Peggy's been really sick She's been hollying up Everywhere and got diarrhoea
Starting point is 00:17:17 She's just ill I guess her immune system Is on the floor Because of her being spayed And shit right We Me and Cara were like Because it was bad
Starting point is 00:17:23 Or it felt bad Like just getting the updates from like Natalie and you well she was going to end up on a drip because she wasn't drinking like not eating is one thing
Starting point is 00:17:31 but not drinking is a fucking problem in this heat right me I said to Cara I was like bet it's a slug and the reason I think
Starting point is 00:17:37 it's a slug is because I think the TV show we're watching and a dog ate a slug and died and I'm like well fucking here's Columbo I've worked this out
Starting point is 00:17:43 she does see because we get a lot of slugs and snails that's right and you were telling the story that like there's heaps of snails slugs on your fucking steps
Starting point is 00:17:50 but she normally just gives them a sniff and doesn't bother with them she was like man but one of them might have had a bit of licorice or something I don't know why
Starting point is 00:17:58 I went with licorice I don't know why either does your dog your dog like licorice the least the least tasty of all the sweets worth eating a slug for
Starting point is 00:18:11 Peggy you better be one of the ones with the blue ball baron's leg ain't there we've got like blue bitter god I'd never
Starting point is 00:18:20 eat a slug that's so disgusting the texture the taste oh no it's licorice well if there's a 10% chance, it's licorice, well,
Starting point is 00:18:28 if there's a 10% chance of it being licorice, then that's a gamble I'm willing to take. One of the best fans, fucking offers a chewing gum, I think it was Marty Stagg, right, gives us a fucking chewing gum, I'm Stagg,
Starting point is 00:18:37 sorry you weren't invited, he's engaged with party, offers a chewing gum, I put the chewing gum in, I was like, you've got to tell people if it's licorice. You can't just say, do you want a chewing gum?
Starting point is 00:18:49 P.S. Fucking post-script motherfucker, it's a licorice one, you're probably going to say no, I'm just asking you formally. Just fucking,
Starting point is 00:18:58 fucking. I feel the same way when anyone just hands you sparkling water. Oh no, here we go again again we'll just fast forward this
Starting point is 00:19:06 bit of the podcast so you do it really fast go on do it again and kick off a good sparkling water I'll be here
Starting point is 00:19:12 yes sorry Peggy's dead sick she's been back and forth to the vets she got an injection that
Starting point is 00:19:24 she didn't enjoy and we've had tablets to give her Natalie just couldn't get out of the sick and she's been back and forth to the vets she got an injection that she didn't enjoy and we've had tablets to give her Natalie just couldn't get out and eat the tablets and she'd been up all night because she's been
Starting point is 00:19:30 getting excited to fucking just empty her arse out of the fucking grass and eh Peggy right yes yes yes Peggy
Starting point is 00:19:41 because even though we were telling a story about Peggy none of that sentence involved Peggy we were like so were telling a story about Peggy none of that sentence involved Peggy we were like so Natalie's been up every couple of hours
Starting point is 00:19:49 just letting her arse drip in the garden and anybody who likes joining the podcast now and doesn't really know Natalie will be like well she married Kai
Starting point is 00:19:56 that's probably that's probably what she's like it's probably just safer it's probably saves her less time the next day
Starting point is 00:20:03 having to chisel dried shit off the side of the toilet seat if she just hoiks it into the cabbage. That's where the slugs are from. So I went home just to give Natalie a break. So she went to bed and I stayed on the couch downstairs and Peggy was just like up and down Alanade. And she's drinking water again, which is good,
Starting point is 00:20:25 but she's still not eating properly. But we had to feed her our tablets. Do you know, I was going to say, you don't just want a fucking foie gras, but... I had a foie gras. Foie gras. I had a foie gras. I'm sorry, did I just start a bit
Starting point is 00:20:38 that you don't have the money to join in on? Me lips are refusing it. I'm going to do foie gras and it's like I feel like what's that yes man where the fucking Steve Troil's trying
Starting point is 00:20:50 to read the news it's like it's not yes man it's Bruce Almighty that's the one I can't believe I've started a bit where you're just like
Starting point is 00:20:58 I'm just I'm too poverty to join in this bit foie foie gras foie gras foie gras no you fucked me up foie. Foie gras. Foie gras. Foie gras. Now you've fucked me up.
Starting point is 00:21:06 Foie gras. Foie gras. What was it? Foie gras, I think. Froi. How have you fucked me out of this? How have you brought me down to your level? Froi squoise.
Starting point is 00:21:16 Say caviar. Caviar. I can't say these words. So, oh my God, had to fucking like get right in because you don't want to just like pry your mouth open because you feel like her lips are going to get cut
Starting point is 00:21:28 on her teeth you know what I mean sure she's full of lips dogs have lips she's like is that what you got she's like
Starting point is 00:21:38 honestly I kind of get her her lips are just I try not to just pierce her lips or her teeth so I'm just rubbing her in and then I get in I for her and her lips are just I try not to just pierce her lips with her teeth so I'm just rolling her in and then I go in
Starting point is 00:21:47 and I pry her up and that's when she starts to fucking alligator thrashing so I'm having to play her like a bagpipe Look how masculine you try to make feeding your tiny dog medicine I was like Steve Larwin right I had to tackle that she must have been 14, 15 feet long. That's not what I'm doing. I did see alligator though.
Starting point is 00:22:15 That's not what I was doing. So she starts thrashing right and then I get out my form and Natalie manages to fucking get the catapult and we're like bing and put the didn't use a catapult no no no because they've got some weird like they've got
Starting point is 00:22:31 I've got a syringe that's full of like this hydration fluid for when she wasn't drinking so like we'll like gunk
Starting point is 00:22:37 that into my mouth as well and like try and wash it down and then like held that move shut
Starting point is 00:22:41 and the cunt was fucking hitting her life she was hitting her life and like she's like
Starting point is 00:22:45 you can like apparently I meant to rub her throat I didn't know how to do that but she's done a couple of swallows and I was like hopefully it's gone and I'm just like
Starting point is 00:22:51 underneath her like with my hands like that to see if it drops out and it didn't and her face was just coming with this fucking chicken juice
Starting point is 00:22:57 in her whole posture man like tail between her legs cowering from her and like I felt like such a fucking abuser because I'd just done that put her through hell
Starting point is 00:23:06 in that time of need she's like she's not even like wagging her tail at the minute she's fucking so depressed at the minute right and then I just come along and when I come home
Starting point is 00:23:14 she did stop the person she trusts aye she starts wagging her tail for the first time and Natalie was like oh this is new she's wagging her tail
Starting point is 00:23:20 she's not pouncing like she normally does I've been away a couple of days she goes bananas she's there looking at us her eyes perk up and she starts wagging her tail and I'm giving her some love she normally does I've been away a couple of days she goes bananas she's there looking at us her eyes perk up and she starts wagging her tail and I'm giving her some love
Starting point is 00:23:27 and then Natalie's like she'll give her this tablet because it's been on her mind like she needs these antibiotics and I'm like let's have a cuddle first and I pick her up and I'm having a cuddle
Starting point is 00:23:36 and all that and then Natalie's like no she's just fucking you've got a date and I'm like how about then so I just come in and she picks up
Starting point is 00:23:43 and I'm like there's me baby I'm like fucking there's me baby. I'm like, fucking aye, I'm legend. And then she just cowers, and looks at us like, you. And I'm there going, I do it because I love you. Like, I'm doing it because I love you, baby. And I'm like, that's what an abuser would say. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Look, you made me do this. And then she trotted off. You scared me, and this is why I act like this. When you scare me, I have to do things like this. I did that to this. And then she trotted off. You scared me, and this is why I act like this. When you scare me, I have to do things like this. I did that to her. And then she just went out to the other room. She never leaves the room that way. Sometimes she'll be asleep,
Starting point is 00:24:14 and I'll try and tiptoe out of the room to go in for a piss, and she's like, I'm in. And she comes for a piss with us, and then comes back with us. To see her just like, look at us. I don't trust you. Aye, aye. I remember last time dogs are forgiven
Starting point is 00:24:30 it turns out yeah she was alright shortly after that yeah we could say forgiving or you know stupid
Starting point is 00:24:36 stupid I think they forget so so aye that was that was quite brutal I didn't have much sleep but I actually got to the gym
Starting point is 00:24:43 as well aye do you know how to get out of the gym? No I'm fucking wasting it here though I'm It's wasted on you Now I'm eating at the fringe
Starting point is 00:24:51 Aye You're not You're not wasting it But you do just have to Like if you're drinking heavily You try and Because it's You know
Starting point is 00:24:58 You're going to explode So you've just got to Bleed the radiator elsewhere Aye Well I've always said Slow down the damage I've always said There's no the damage. I've always said, there's no point in washing your car
Starting point is 00:25:06 if you're not going to drive it. Aye. Just keep it on the drive leg. Pick it for a spin. I mean, I've been fucking spinning the car lately. I went... I did Spank last night. You love it?
Starting point is 00:25:17 You love it? You love it. Take a late night show. Starts at midnight. Usually ends at about two. It's the one where, you know the story where I didn't want to do the show,
Starting point is 00:25:26 did do the show, fucked up my own gig, and then spent the end of the show lying on my back, reading off my credits, and then got naked. It's that story, that's what Spank is. I don't need to do this. Because they have a naked promo. There was one last night where Lassie got up and promoted our show, and she did it, and I went on.
Starting point is 00:25:43 You just get a minute to promote your show, and then the flyer gets on the back of the wall Paul Savage come on comedian I don't recognise
Starting point is 00:25:51 the name he's a Brummie lad I think Brummie yeah and he come on and he had fucking Velcro
Starting point is 00:25:58 shoes on he just whipped them off but he was like I'll call you I'll date you so I it's like it's a kind of
Starting point is 00:26:08 variety there's mostly stand up but there'll be musical acts on and character acts on and sketch on and stuff
Starting point is 00:26:15 and it's all a bit loud and lively we're starting off the show I was hosting it last night with Evan and we'll get
Starting point is 00:26:21 on stage get everybody on their feet and play a jump round and everyone just gans fucking tits and we'll just high five and cunts and then it go on their fucking tits and we'll just high five
Starting point is 00:26:25 and cunts and then it starts on that fucking 10 out of 10 energy and so sounds like fucking hell you wouldn't like it it's not for you
Starting point is 00:26:34 but frankly time comes out when I'm there like so Shlomo you know the beatboxer Shlomo
Starting point is 00:26:43 he was closing it. Can you remember a couple of years ago? It was 2011. A couple. We went to the Upside Down Cow and it was a one-off show with him doing a beatbox battle with Mortimer Jones from Police Academy. Oh, Michael Winslow. Aye.
Starting point is 00:27:01 Me and Rouge Warnackies. Aye. I think that was the night where he was like, me naked air maxes are warming up aye and he stood in your living room
Starting point is 00:27:10 and he was like this is the best night I've ever had in my life and I've got kids he's coming on the last weekend oh good so
Starting point is 00:27:24 Shlomo's on right he's had a daughter since then I'm gonna ask him aye be like was that anything compared to that still the same as
Starting point is 00:27:32 Shlomo Michael Winslow beatbox challenge so aye Shlomo he brought his fucking loop pedal on and all that and his decks and he just fucking
Starting point is 00:27:44 he just had the place fucking jumping, right? And me and Evan, and some of the actors were on stage, like, fucking jumping around and dancing and all that, right? And we just clocked that, like, everybody was up and everybody was dancing. But all the chairs were still there, because it was a gig, and we just fucking, all hands on deck, just flashed the floor, got rid of all the chairs, all the tables, and just turned into a party and just fucking hung one on for the rest of the night.
Starting point is 00:28:05 I ended up fucking launching my T-shirt in the crowd and I'd sunk a bottle of fucking red wine. I was just on stage dancing topless with a bottle of red wine. Quiet one. Well, you've missed a very crucial part of this story. So, meanwhile, earlier on in the evening, Mark Nelson and Rachel Fairbairn are doing this gig where they basically get comedians to come in
Starting point is 00:28:26 and play like three songs like guest DJ but has one of them got to be a clanger? yeah yeah yeah so you've got to put on like two absolute fucking bangers in one that's just duff yeah yeah so you've got to like try and keep the party going
Starting point is 00:28:37 and clear the dance floor yeah I think so and you loved this idea you were a big champion of this idea to the point where Cullen was like I'm going home you're like no man stay out big champion of this idea to the point where Cullen was like I'm going home you're like no man
Starting point is 00:28:46 stay out I said I was going to Gandy the last half hour because it's on until 3 Spank's meant to finish it too I mean Spank ended up going on well past 3 but I was like
Starting point is 00:28:56 I'll come for the last half hour Cullen says I'm going to go home and I'm like nah I'm going to stay in the same house I'm going to go out to this party and then I had a couple
Starting point is 00:29:03 of guests with us Danny from Altitude Jonathan Gay Jonathan from not the Jonathans there's two Jonathans isn't there
Starting point is 00:29:10 there's three no but there's two Jonathans that were together that were called the Gay Jonathans and then we met Jonathan and thought he was like without other Jonathan
Starting point is 00:29:18 and it turns out he didn't know them and now they know each other the three Jonathans all podcast fans shout out so they were with us
Starting point is 00:29:26 and I was like, well, I'm hosting Spank so why haven't you gone with Mark and Colin and everyone, right? And I ended up gathering half a fucking hour. I think I even got Brett along.
Starting point is 00:29:34 Aye. I go, let's go in there. We'll end the night there. I'll go and do Spank and meet you there. And I completely forgot about everybody.
Starting point is 00:29:39 I literally organised the night out and didn't go on it. Colin came upstairs this morning and he's like, where's that wanker? He's just, he's gone upstairs.
Starting point is 00:29:51 I'm like, I thought you were coming back early. He's like, he made me stay out. He was ready to go home at 11.30 and he was still there at 3.30 wondering where the fuck I was. No,
Starting point is 00:30:00 because he left, he even left at fucking 2 and it took him an hour and 40 minutes to get a taxi in Edinburgh. Oh really? Aye. That's class, because he even left at fucking two and it took him an hour and 40 minutes to get a taxi in Edinburgh. Oh, really? Aye. That's class, because I left at half past four. Yeah, I got a taxi in the evening, bubba.
Starting point is 00:30:13 I won't go up in the taxi, man, because we started with a shot of whiskey. I don't know why he threw it against Devon. He was like, I don't normally do shots. I was like, tequila or something? He was like, whiskey? I was like, you don't normally do shots, but you're just or something he was like whiskey I was like you don't normally do shots but you're just going straight in with whiskey
Starting point is 00:30:26 for something that you absolutely don't fucking shot I was going like do you shot whiskey and sip tequila that's how you live but they put them on like you know when would they jump around we'll come on the first thing when do you have a shot so I'm fucking
Starting point is 00:30:38 I'd been drinking since my show finished anyway it's like 7.30 is that when my show finishes 45 it should finish at 7.45 top crowd was it nah nah
Starting point is 00:30:48 I'm at 55 minutes good numbers big laughers big laughers aye cheers for coming Jack by the way I didn't see you
Starting point is 00:30:54 afterwards because you went to Cullens didn't you yeah aye he got a crowd in the end yeah
Starting point is 00:30:58 luckily oh yeah he had one sale well he kind of kept doing this which is every morning he'll put into the group he's like
Starting point is 00:31:03 I'm on one sale today and you're like you're ignoring the fact that you have not only really good fly outs but a very competent agent like
Starting point is 00:31:11 it's not like it's not like Brett's a home I'm like yeah Colin's on one sale my work here is done like and then every day
Starting point is 00:31:17 I think yesterday was one ticket and I was like how many did you get in the end he was like oh about 30 35
Starting point is 00:31:22 I'm like right so a full room pretty much he's on straight after me in the end he was like oh I'm about 30 35 so a full room pretty much he's on straight after me in the garrison before me we both
Starting point is 00:31:29 shout him out when people are in the area so he's always going to have a walk up I had I always shout him
Starting point is 00:31:38 out my show when I finish I don't know if I've bragged about this enough yet but I finish at 6.45
Starting point is 00:31:43 that's nice you can go home and have dinner at dinner time can't you during the fringe you can have an early morning bragged about this enough yet but I finish at 6.45 aye that's nice oh god you can go home and have dinner at dinner time can't you during the fridge you can have an
Starting point is 00:31:49 early morning play golf aye ignore my family aye ball and chain erm where was I
Starting point is 00:31:58 getting to just the fact that you fucked Colin oh yeah half four in the morning right I get the Uber
Starting point is 00:32:03 and I obviously fell fucking fast asleep in the Uber teleport home woke up with just a man's face looking at us going we're here
Starting point is 00:32:11 I didn't see the man's face when I got in the taxi he's fucking climbing behind him don't you and he's just like through the window he's going we're here I just looked
Starting point is 00:32:18 and I was like the fuck are you oh shit I'm in a taxi I honestly did that the way I was I didn't have a fucking I honestly did that when I was I didn't have a fucking scooby
Starting point is 00:32:27 when I was when I woke up in that cab this morning but anyway I made it home you always get home don't you well
Starting point is 00:32:33 I mean when you're a news article aye there's a couple of times I haven't made it home one time was on the beach in Benidorm
Starting point is 00:32:43 when I had lost you, Lord. Is that when you threw your watch in the sea? That's what you're telling that, aren't you? So I fell asleep on the beach and I woke up without my watch on. Somebody stole the watch off me, buddy. I basically lost you guys, right? And we had this thing where every day somebody was the bar bitch. And they had all the money.
Starting point is 00:33:04 So everyone put their money in a pot. It keeps you out together, apparently. Nobody's got money apart from the one guy who fucking gets the rounds in and just gets the drinks in all night. So everybody has one night where they're the bar bitch for the rest of the time. They just get drinks brought for them.
Starting point is 00:33:17 It's a fucking good policy of the six year. And you're there for six days. Yeah, there's a fucking room key now, didn't you? I've fucking lost every cunt. I didn't know where we were. I didn't have a key in Alden I fucking lost every cunt I didn't know where we were
Starting point is 00:33:27 I didn't have a key so I was just like I'll just lie here on the beach walk up
Starting point is 00:33:29 Sunday knee watch lane knee tan lane when we watch also
Starting point is 00:33:33 you do this on tour you do this anywhere we go I will walk
Starting point is 00:33:39 from wherever you and I are staying to wherever we are going and I will watch you
Starting point is 00:33:46 not take in a single bit of your surroundings there's no I'm going to note that shop there I turned left at WH Smith
Starting point is 00:33:55 I recognise this you can just walk around and be like you know someone will show me do you know what will happen right
Starting point is 00:34:02 I'll be at a venue like we're at the Playhouse doing a show right and the lass goes I'll show you the dressing know what'll happen right I'll be at a venue like we're at the Playhouse doing a show right and the lass goes I'll show you the dressing room and she goes like takes us down the stairs
Starting point is 00:34:10 down the corridor into my dressing room there's two things right down the stairs along the corridor it's easy to get back from that yeah of course it is so I'm in my dressing room
Starting point is 00:34:18 and then I'm just like hanging there going it's more crack side stage I'm not going to just hang around me out in my dressing room with Maxwell now like side stage ready to go on I'll just go on back there
Starting point is 00:34:26 so I walk back down the corridor and then I get to the stairwell and the stairs go up and down and I can't remember if I come down or up to get here and obviously I chose the wrong one and I ended up back at stage door
Starting point is 00:34:38 alright alright alright just like make little mental notes or notes on your phone if you're that bad like write your phone if you're that bad like write it down
Starting point is 00:34:46 if you're that much of a cunt yeah or chat it's just I mean I've got a good sense of direction anyway but it's just because you remember
Starting point is 00:34:53 look at shops and then make a stupid joke in your head and then later on on the way back you go oh yeah aye I'll just be like driving home going
Starting point is 00:35:00 M6 that doesn't sound like a friend of mine wanted to first of all shout out the fact that
Starting point is 00:35:16 Milo McCabe is doing an extra show at the McEwan Hall the McEwan Hall on the last day of the festival which is a big
Starting point is 00:35:23 big boy room that's a probably big boy room we saw a proper big boy room we saw Jim Jeffries there aye he's really good I saw Fall Arms and Hawk there the other day
Starting point is 00:35:31 they were excellent as always so if you want to go see Troy Hawk which you absolutely fucking should go see him because the rest of the tickets are sold out
Starting point is 00:35:39 it's going to be classy seeing him on that bigger stage man aye shall we try and get in his fucking head beforehand he'll already be there class seeing him on that big a stage man aye should we try and get in his fucking head beforehand oh he'll already
Starting point is 00:35:46 be there he'll already have that place coming oh man alright walk in we'll walk in you'll be his
Starting point is 00:35:56 tour we'll walk in and he'll have a spread he's like oh you guys I didn't expect you
Starting point is 00:36:04 no come on the hot tub's ready aye I've noticed with Milo he can't he can't be arsed with people aye
Starting point is 00:36:11 he can't be arsed with people at the minute well and I understand why we'll get him on the podcast to talk about it but it's for so long right
Starting point is 00:36:17 he's been and I've said this to him he went from doing Phil Birtle who was this character act that he did and Phil Burtle used to fucking rip the clubs man
Starting point is 00:36:26 like he was unfollowable he used to watch the comp there find out a little bit about everybody in the audience and then fucking in his head write a rap battle like a kind of rap roast thing and the man was just
Starting point is 00:36:37 do it all in a Portuguese accent aye he's got such an immense work ethic that he used to just rip the fucking club with Phil Burtle and then went
Starting point is 00:36:43 oh I'm gonna border the character want to move on to something new going to start doing this one called Troy Hawk we all saw the first
Starting point is 00:36:49 Troy Hawk show and I think all of us were like I don't know if this is going to work yeah you're like what's this yeah didn't he have
Starting point is 00:36:54 like he was holding a feather and had a Wilkinson's jacket on and he was quite posh yeah he had the tash and that
Starting point is 00:36:59 but like nobody quite knew what was happening yeah and I mean fuck me did we watch that evolve over the course of a few years. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:06 Well, there was the first... There was the first Tiles of the Unexpected show, which was... I mean, look, I always like watching Milo because, having written with him several times, he's such a good writer. Like, he's... And he's so disciplined with his writing as well.
Starting point is 00:37:22 Like, when I stay with him, he's like, let's go write. And after, like, 45, I'm like, are we going? He's like, like let's go write and after like 45 I'm like are we going he's like we've got two more hours here and I'm like alright Jesus Christ he's so wordy as well he's got so much of a fucking better command of the English language
Starting point is 00:37:36 than either of us but most of me but then as the unexpected was the show when I saw him I was like okay fucking now we're onto something. And then he did what so many comedians didn't pull the trigger on fast enough, where he just went, you know what, fuck it,
Starting point is 00:37:50 I'm going to work out what this TikTok thing is, I'm going to work out what these fucking rules are, and I'm going to apply myself to them. And because he used, when me and Cara were talking about it last night, he put out fucking videos of him doing, essentially, Troy Hawk stand-up
Starting point is 00:38:01 in front of a fucking green screen. And it would get like, 300 views, 700 views, 1100 views. You're like, all right, okay. And then obviously now that has blown up to two and a half million. Everything's been fucking selling out for him. He's had another... So he's at the point now where every time he's come to this festival, he's had people
Starting point is 00:38:18 basically ignoring him because he's been doing the Free Friends show and he's been building up this fucking character. Oh, like that'soty about character comedy or whatever it's just a different dynamic Yeah and you know he even used to get reviewers in because reviewers are going to see all the paid shows and he's just been doing you know
Starting point is 00:38:35 the Free Fringe and But I'd say on the whole everybody loved him it's not like there wasn't any bad will towards him No no no but it was just that like it never had I whether it's true or not absolutely fucking relate there wasn't any bad will towards him no but it was just that like it never had I whether it's true or not absolutely fucking relate to
Starting point is 00:38:50 you can't have been fucking ignoring me while I've been doing shit for fucking ages and now that I'm doing well you can all go fuck yourselves because that's what he's going through he's like people are being so nice to me
Starting point is 00:39:01 more people are going dog-dogging to me and I'm like I'll fucking bet they are because I was chatting with him and someone came over and just I was like
Starting point is 00:39:09 he was drunk it was two in the morning and an artist born I mean you're allowed to be drunk right he came over and he was like you're doing alright aren't you that's going well
Starting point is 00:39:16 and all that and pat him on the shoulder and my lawyer was just quite dismissive like kind of body language that I'm having a conversation he had and wanted to be interrupted
Starting point is 00:39:23 and I was like oh he's getting tired of this he's getting tired of like drunk people that would never'm having a conversation he had and wanted to be interrupted and I was like oh he's getting tired of this he's getting tired of like drunk people that would never have maybe come
Starting point is 00:39:29 up to him in the past like having a well because I just I guess what I would just feel so fucking
Starting point is 00:39:34 fake which is I've seen you drunk in this bar every fucking year for the past five fucking years
Starting point is 00:39:39 you've never made the way over you've never come up and introduced yourself to me like we've been
Starting point is 00:39:45 sat at a fucking table with a friend of mine that you think is more famous and speak to him and I've had you ignore me cut me at the conversation
Starting point is 00:39:53 and now you're me absolutely do one I get that you called it that this year you'll get nominated and you'll be chuffed for him
Starting point is 00:39:59 because he deserves it but you'll be fucking angry at the judges for not nominating him in previous years when he was exactly as good as he is now yeah yeah yeah but it's just what they'll do and they'll be fucking angry at the judges for not nominating him in previous years when he was exactly as good as he is now
Starting point is 00:40:06 yeah yeah yeah but it's just what they'll do and they'll be the same fucking reviewers they'll be parasitic
Starting point is 00:40:10 yeah and be like I helped I was part of the succession like Milo McCabe is responsible for Milo McCabe's
Starting point is 00:40:16 success like his agent's great but I don't think they can claim any of the success it's his fucking work ethic
Starting point is 00:40:23 it's like Eminem going after the Grammys and the Kamikaze album yeah yeah it's his fucking work ethic aye it's like Eminem going after the Grammys and the Kamikaze album aye yeah yeah it's exactly like that aye
Starting point is 00:40:29 that's Melo this is Melo's Kamikaze album going after the critics I'm not doing any extra shows I'm not doing any extra shows on my
Starting point is 00:40:38 show obviously but I've got so many fucking friends I only see during the fringe everyone goes can you jump up and do a show
Starting point is 00:40:44 and this year I've been all about like no I only see during the fringe and everyone goes can you jump up and do a show and this year I've been all about like no I don't want to do any extra shows and then Cara right from the point of doubt she's like you know you do enjoy them you end up going there
Starting point is 00:40:53 and it's a chance to instead of just doing an hour it's working on a bit to turn it into a 10 minute bit 15 minute bit and you're like I fucking guess so I've got two this week
Starting point is 00:41:02 this week is the week that I'm doing the extra shows and then everyone else couldn't so where are you doing them, same venue? no no no, there's not extra shows on my show I'm jumping on a friend's show Caitlin's, Caitlin Cook I don't know when it is, I want to say
Starting point is 00:41:18 The Hive, but it's like it's a fake birthday party it's a compilation show, it's like me, Phil Wang and I think I have O'Graham oh that's a fake birthday party it's a compilation show it's like me Phil Wang and I think Ivo Graham so it's an easy line up oh that's a good line up and then and then I'm also doing
Starting point is 00:41:29 Tim FitzIam has improv kind of show are you directing it? yes are you offering the guest director? yeah yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:41:37 so him and I cannot remember the name of the other lovely man who I've met several times who is very very funny because I'm a bad person with a terrible memory
Starting point is 00:41:44 but those two are doing the play Macbeth but they have a director in the room with them and the director is just a fucking comedian and the director
Starting point is 00:41:52 can direct it however they fucking like so he was telling me the other day they had Simon Munnery on and obviously Tim and they're such good actors
Starting point is 00:42:01 and obviously they know all of Macbeth that's why they're doing it fucking Tim owns a theatre that Shakespeare actually performed plays at yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:42:09 he was telling us about that like he's so such an interesting dude yeah he really is and he's like he teaches his children archery because they might need it
Starting point is 00:42:16 aye he's a very funny genuine endearing eclectic man so so
Starting point is 00:42:24 fucking Tim walks on stage and starts talking about they'll know Tim he's in there genuine endearing eclectic man so Simon Murray's so fucking Tim walks on stage he starts talking about they'll know Tim he's in the he's in the advert where it's like
Starting point is 00:42:32 in English Indiana Jones going through the sewers and he comes out like in a car warehouse yes that's the one with his hat
Starting point is 00:42:39 on coming out with the manhole on his head that's Tim Fitzhiam yeah so Simon Murray's directing Tim walks on
Starting point is 00:42:46 does the opening monologue for Macbeth and Simon just goes no no no I want it in my head Macbeth is French and so then
Starting point is 00:42:54 Tim just has to go off and come back on but of course because it's fucking Tim Tim speaks fluent French and starts just doing the
Starting point is 00:43:02 Macbeth monologue in French and then Simon goes no no no no I'm in a French accent goes off and then his next note was like I expected Macbeth to be taller and just so the whole thing is fucking chaos so he was telling me about that and I was like
Starting point is 00:43:16 Tim always is very good at creating shows where comedians can guess and it's not making comedians do stand up but it's just giving them the chance to do what comedians love which is create chaos like it's not making comedians do stand-up, but it's just giving them the chance to do what comedians love, which is create chaos. Like, it's very setlist-y. He did a show...
Starting point is 00:43:30 I never saw it because it clashed with setlist, I think, but you might have done it. It's the one where... It's like a court case. This is your trial. This is your trial and you've got to put in the booth to defend yourself. Yeah, no, no, yeah, yeah. You're either the prosecutor and the audience would put in, you know, my dad farts too much and you'd have to prosecute him, you'd either the prosecutor and the audience would put in,
Starting point is 00:43:47 you know, my dad farts too much and you'd have to prosecute him. You'd have to defend him. One of us, the judge, that was always a good fun show. Because you called me a... Well, I mean, this just fits in, but because you called me a Tory at the start of the podcast,
Starting point is 00:44:00 let's take it back down to your level. The reason I'm going to ask you this question is because last night I came back, Caleb was already in bed took a while, I had to get him down a couple more times uninteresting, anyway, he finally goes down me and Cara decide because it's sunny it's been a beautiful couple of days
Starting point is 00:44:16 in Scotland, we're going to go out set in the new garden furniture and just enjoy our garden and have some dinner and we're both so fucking lazy that we just had beans on toast and blue wicket
Starting point is 00:44:28 so we just fucking sat up there it's so funny how like I went to Natalie's level if you went to
Starting point is 00:44:37 Cara's level when it comes to food sat there on our fucking patio new furniture looking at a Tesla in the driveway being like
Starting point is 00:44:48 fucking hell good beans on toast how's your blue wicket is it good of course I'll straw pedo it this is class god how good is it
Starting point is 00:44:56 that we worked our way to upper middle class but man that's cultural appropriation I think that like well so there's
Starting point is 00:45:08 man I love so much like eating beans and toast last night I'm like it's just such a good fucking meal
Starting point is 00:45:14 do you ever put a handful of grated cheese on it absolutely and over butter the toast like the you absolutely fucking drench the toast in butter that must be a sluss thing that like they both nodded like the Churchill dog they're like
Starting point is 00:45:24 I thought we'd went over a speed bump wrench the toast in butter. That must be a slush thing, they both nodded like the Churchill dog, didn't they? I thought we'd went over a speed bump. So, and then we just talk about it, like, what's your favourite, what's your like, even if I go to the best fucking restaurants in the world,
Starting point is 00:45:44 and have the greatest fucking steak and caviar and whatever what council meal will it still never fucking replace like just that what's the council meal that'll never be replaced by the but for you so the beans on toast is one the other one is for me it's a different half of council meal like but you know like just just like a sunday dinner like we're fucking yorkshire puns and all that because I like that's just everywhere though isn't it yeah
Starting point is 00:46:08 that transcends class like everybody has the fucking Yorkshire puns I'm talking and this is a this is a god tier fucking meal right
Starting point is 00:46:16 but all the people will be looking down their nose and say it's not fish fingers chips and beans and potatoes absolute fucking oh you can place those chips
Starting point is 00:46:24 for potato smileys, that's like yes I'm seven years old but that's why I'm eating it, to get me back to that time where I didn't need meditation to have an empty head like I could just go back to a time when my only concern was
Starting point is 00:46:39 how fast can I throw this down my fucking gullet so I can go outside and play more football? Mince and mash. Oh, there you go. Mince and mash, like a proper fucking hearty, like wartime fucking winter meal. Yeah, get you through the winter.
Starting point is 00:46:55 Yeah, yeah. Like you're still on a ration book. I think there's a baker in Edinburgh, I think I mentioned him before, the bald baker, and he does, there's a pie I missed the other day and I'm genuinely fucking gutted. A baker in Edinburgh, I think I mentioned him before, the bald baker. And he does... There's a pie I missed the other day and I'm genuinely fucking gutted. Like, Cara walked into the room with utter disgust on her face and just went, he's done something that you're going to love
Starting point is 00:47:15 and that just means the bald baker's created an atrocity that only I... And he's done it before. Can I guess? Please. Is it like a macaroni and cheese pie? No, no, no. Hey, she's Scottish. She loves macaroni and cheese pie? No, no, no. Hey, she's Scottish. She loves macaroni and cheese pies.
Starting point is 00:47:27 Those are real good. He's done, for example, he's done like Thai green curry pies. And it comes with like a naan bread on top. He's done the council pies. And the council pie is beans, mashed potatoes, potato smiley, turkey twizzlers. He's just like, fuck it. I've got pie bases. I know the audience
Starting point is 00:47:45 yeah he's like just random shit he did Haggisneeps and Tatty's pies he's done like black pudding and Tatty's
Starting point is 00:47:51 he just he's an artist man every morning he wakes up he's like I'm just gonna fuck with pies today I don't know and I can't confirm
Starting point is 00:48:00 that he's a fucking stoner but it's called the bald baker it's obviously because he bakes but does he bake the other way? You can't be sober and make these pies for people. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:48:12 Kebab pie. Oh shit, I thought kebab pie is the thing. I thought the thing was the, what you said before the turkey twist. No, no, no. So that was just an example. That's just another pun you made on a whim. So kebab pie? Aye.
Starting point is 00:48:25 And I was desperate to absolutely fucking froth in the mouth to just go and try this bomb. I'm not sure how I feel about this. No? No, I feel like... I'm saying this as a smoker. I think that'll kill you. For any international people, when I say kebab,
Starting point is 00:48:44 I don't mean like chicken on a skewer done nicely over a grill I mean like Turkish Scottish Turkish kebab oh like I don't like kebab
Starting point is 00:48:53 like shish kebab no no donna aye donna alright alright I'm drunk I'm drunk it's three in the morning
Starting point is 00:49:01 yeah he's not no no no he's not open he's open sorry man wait a minute he's not opening it. He's opening it. Sorry, man. Wait a minute.
Starting point is 00:49:08 He's through the day. Man, worse, they sold out by half eleven. What? People aren't having it for breakfast. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:49:22 Like, this is fucking Scotland man isn't it that's Scotland that man will never go out of fucking business
Starting point is 00:49:30 we've ordered because he doesn't just do the pies man he started just during lockdown I think the story is he just
Starting point is 00:49:36 started like baking like cakes and sweet treats and fucking you know chocolate and cornflakes
Starting point is 00:49:44 all those like kids it was just really good so I kind of started ordering and it was like fucking you know chocolate and cornflakes all those like kids it was just really good so I kind of started ordering and it was like fucking crack okay man
Starting point is 00:49:49 like I on several occasions I had a word with her where I'm like you have to fuck stop ordering from there because I just don't have this
Starting point is 00:49:57 self control as a stoner depressed during lockdown to not eat everything you order from this cunt every time every time I've like come over for the podcast in the past few weeks it's been like fucking Hansel and Gretel Donors are pressed during lockdown. People eat everything you order from this cunt. Every time I've come over for the podcast in the past few weeks,
Starting point is 00:50:10 it's been like fucking Hansel and Gretel's house in there. Everything's just been made of sugar. Aye, aye. And I've been really looking at it. I'm like, oh, no, I've just put my teeth back in. But if I hadn't, I'd just have a nibble and then be like, oh. They delivered to us the other week, right? I think Colin had ordered for Cara's birthday.
Starting point is 00:50:26 Colin ordered her a bunch of treats from her favourite fucking place and they delivered it and the woman went you order from here a lot, weren't you in the shop the other day? And I slammed the door I was like, that's not the type of recognition I like, it's meant to be aren't you Daniel Slossnot? Hold on fatty
Starting point is 00:50:43 Hold on Did you order to be aren't you Daniel Slottsnott hold on fatty hold on we're gonna hold on did you order from the shop because you're embarrassed to come in because you've been in so many times just post the box leave please take your mouth away from the letterbox that Nick Helm bit that he
Starting point is 00:51:00 had where he shouts I'm not going to do anything in his thing right but he had this thing about you know I had so much from the pizza shop he was paranoid that the delivery guy would think it was big fat cut right she was like oh well David is like I'll put on some music and make it bustling and then fucking answer the door like I showed something through the pizzas here I've got the pizza and he's like answer the door in my pants and he's screaming he's going
Starting point is 00:51:26 and now the pizza man thinks I'm on a pizza for a pants party very funny aye so Bald Baker if this gets back to you and you want to sponsor
Starting point is 00:51:40 the podcast we don't need any money no we'll just keep bringing it up like number go to deal they're fucking greasy they're podcast we don't need any money no we'll just keep bringing it up like non-regarded fucking greasy they're not greasy don't
Starting point is 00:51:49 well isn't it a non-greasy kebab like you're doing a Josh Foreman I've not had the kebab by yet I missed my fucking chance there's another place that we definitely have to go through while we pretend to be foodies
Starting point is 00:52:02 in the fringe he's at the Paulworth Tavern, his name on Instagram is king.of.feasts and he makes sandwiches that if he was my partner I'd kill him
Starting point is 00:52:18 in his sleep because because you'd roll on top of him and you're so fat that you'd smother him I meant to just like as well, as I'm getting larger and I still have the ability to get up and margarine, I have to margarine. And you don't need to wash your cock with a toilet duck. Poor duck.
Starting point is 00:52:36 Just a poor, poor, sad duck. We've got a friend called Duck who started playing golf with us. He's over for the French. He's managing Fo arms and hog um now i've been really struggling when like i text him or group chat whatever because i have changed the word duck to fuck in my autocorrect because i kept changing fuck to duck and i kept like duck off you're like i'm never gonna let that happen again i literally can't write duck I can't write it I have to like
Starting point is 00:53:08 go back and write it out and then like cancel the autocorrect to say his name and then I'm like fuck I'm going to have to undo it aye do you
Starting point is 00:53:15 or you could just fall out with him huh fall out with him aye just never speak to him again that would be a oh no because then people will be like
Starting point is 00:53:23 why did you fall out with duck and you'll be like well can I tell you something horrendous please just never speak to him again that would be a oh no because then people will be like why did you fall out with Duck and you'll be like well because can I tell you something horrendous please we'll cut it if you think it's inappropriate great
Starting point is 00:53:31 right so when I was telling people about this you can just change something right like so if I if I press AA it comes up my email address
Starting point is 00:53:41 oh do I know this story and it was like just so I don't put too many kisses on a text right and I'd just done it it comes up my email address. Oh, do I know this story? And it was like, just so I don't put too many kisses on a text, right? And I'd just done it just for the sake of a screen grab. I put the N word. So when you press XXX, it comes up with the N word and I screen capped it and sent it.
Starting point is 00:53:56 And I'm like, just in case I put too many kisses on a text message. And I forgot to change it. Natalie texted her mum. I was wearing a B-Fat and I was to change it Natalie texted her mum we were on a beef fight and I was in the shower with Daniel
Starting point is 00:54:08 and she was like we've got here the hotel's really nice and then dropped the n-bomb on her middle eastern
Starting point is 00:54:15 mum I forgot to take it out I forgot to take it out I forgot it was there it had I forgot to take it out. I forgot it was there. It had been there for fucking ages.
Starting point is 00:54:31 I mean, I don't really think the bit you need to be defending is not taking it out. No, no, it's putting it in. It's putting it in. It was just a fucking... It was a screen grab for a joke. It was a screen grab. There's no way I could put too many... Like, bad joke, shit.
Starting point is 00:54:44 But it was funny in the end it was funny in the end when I come out of the shower and Natalie couldn't breathe for laughing
Starting point is 00:54:51 she was fucking humiliated and embarrassed and just couldn't process she'd malfunctioned completely and she just had
Starting point is 00:54:59 her hair in her hand and she was trying to tell us and just kept crying laughing I was like what she was like pointing at her phone and pointing at me.
Starting point is 00:55:15 Sorry, Wade. I mean... I remember when this happened and just, like, you text me and I just for you cringed into such a small ball you know when like people with ADHD get a packet of crisps and they put it in their finger
Starting point is 00:55:33 and put it into those like small little you folded yourself like a crisp packet just into such a small ball and popped up your sock into your jeans pocket it's mad it's mad that she still married's mad it's mad that she
Starting point is 00:55:45 still married you and it's mad that her parents still completely and utterly don't on you and think they're really
Starting point is 00:55:53 fond of us I don't get it well I know why her dad's fond of you that old bigot I think I'm from a Tory hotbed
Starting point is 00:56:02 we're going to do another podcast straight after this with our homeboy Ryan Cullen aye you've got a bald man in here
Starting point is 00:56:12 to get him to fucking explain himself I've I don't know we'll decide in the moment just his existence yeah
Starting point is 00:56:21 explain this just trying to catch just all of it where to start. What part of this do you think you nailed? Just tell me. When you look in the mirror and you're like, yes, time to present to the world,
Starting point is 00:56:34 what was it? You know if you made goals for yourself or any of them? How far are you going to achieve in them? And if you're close to them why do you need better goals so tune in for that on the Bits
Starting point is 00:56:52 episode

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