Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Save the bees!

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Cream is back with a hangover that kill God. He's brought Garf on to share the load and they talks smack and baths and 9/11.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

One thing I don't miss about Kai is that whenever we do our podcast together, he always opens up with a really fucking annoying song, and that's something I very much appreciate. Blue moon. Hello, it's Cream back with Garth. Sorry I missed Monday's podcast, but I was over getting absolutely fucking cunted in Australia for Crusher's wedding.

Nick Cody got married, and I was told by four people separately before the wedding that no matter how funny I thought it would be, that I was not allowed to object at the wedding. Four separate people who didn't know about each other yeah approached me was like look as funny as you think it is that's amazing don't do it and neither of them was crusher or his fiancee wow do you think they told people to tell you no no because when i told krik told Cody about it, I told Cody about it before the wedding and Looch. And I told them, I was like,

four people have approached me and said not to do it. And they were like, ha, that's amazing. It wouldn't be funny though. And I was like, that's why you guys are a wonderful couple. Oh, you should have. That would have been great. Oh, yeah. Well, there was really no opportunity.

Like, there was, yeah, it was. They didn't do the whole, if anybody objects to this thing? No, because Looch is very, very, you know, lovely and liberal and left-wing, the only bit at the start was when, like, before they got married, she wanted the, whatever the fucking minister's called when you don't have a Christian wedding. A humanist? Whatever, yeah.

I don't know. She was like, oh, Looch and Nick would like it to be known that they think marriage is for everyone, and it was just her saying that, you know, it's annoying that gays can't get married in australia so that was the only time that i could have objected uh actually actually no no actually it's it's it's blasphemy and it's uh it's it's it's disgusting is what it is um right i don't think yeah it was it was a very fun win. I got absolutely smashed for three days. I realized that from the Thursday,

oh no, from the Friday night until Monday afternoon, I did not drink a single drink that was an alcoholic. Like even when I woke up in the morning, I was just like, and just cider or wine, whatever was beside me. That was pretty mint. What'd you get up to? Heard you spewed.

Yeah. Yeah, I went out on Monday afternoon, 2 o'clock. Had me some rum and apple juice. All of it. All of it in Edinburgh. Fucking, it was so weird. Like, I was fine for, I don't spew a lot. And I was fine for... Was it spew a lot um and i was fine for up was it was a tactical chunder i see because

i was like i was fine and then i was fucked in one second and i was like what has happened and everyone was like you drank loads and i was like no that doesn't make sense yeah no that's there's no science that could prove that that's the case you're not a bio who are you but I was just kind of like really out of it. And I had a bottle of water and I went, that's not helping. I went, fuck it. Oh, so it was the water. Yeah.

Next to my drinks. I killed Leah. What's her face from back in the day? Oh, yeah. The ekkie girl chick. Water kills people, mate. Yeah. Drowning.

Torture. Yeah. Waterboarding. My waterboarding. It's dangerous. Nobody's ever survived the water birth yeah there's an actual scientific fact everyone talks about water births they never talk about water abortions no i guess it's not there is as effective i think we get a strong enough host oh maybe we should just give the podcast i was about to say should just give the podcast back.

I was about to say we should give the podcast back to Kai and Stanley because our banner is now getting brutal. But they made a bunch of horrific Muhammad Ali jokes. Oh my God. No, I listened to it today. My name's on this podcast, guys. Thank you. Yeah, I listened to it today.

It was good. Well, what I've noticed is Is how How important I am to Kai Because I'm the one that Reigns him the fuck in Stanley's not helping No no

Stanley's feeding the flames Oh was that far Let me just get some gasoline And a fan Kidding Stanley doesn't have any fans They've been slagging us off So this is really the only rebuttal

Yeah Like well not I mean I was in the corner for a long time after Muggle Corner I felt a lot of fucking shots fired and let me just say it's fucking lucky Kai's out there doing Jiu Jitsu because when he comes back I'm going to fucking bash him ginger cunt

if you don't know Gareth's ginger that's why that's funny yeah so you so you spewed I spewed

out the back of the stand yeah that's what happened oh and to cover I don't think Stanley and Kai

fully covered it the last podcast but the bit I did from Love Actually at Cody's wedding was the bit where you know he only films the wife I did that but Actually at Cody's wedding was the bit where you know he only films

the wife I did that but I only filmed Nick Cody for the whole wedding so I'm going to edit that together I'm going to confess I am in Kai's boat I genuinely when you just say the Love Actually bit I assume the bit with the cards what you reckon that was my fucking best man speech I just stood there

dear Cody you didn't ask me to be your best man. Can't believe I've got away from it for so long. Dear Keira Knightley, let's have an emotionless kiss after this. Fuck my best mate. This is romantic, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm off to kill zombies. Love Actually. I'm partial to a shitey, shitey love film and I love 500 Days of Summer

is that a love film though I guess not no it's not it's kind of an anti-love film he's a ghost yeah

Love Actually I think I really enjoy it but fuck me he's not all loving that movie no I was

she's a bit of a bitch aye and fucking Snape fucking cheats on... Aye, that's brutal. That's a really brutal thing. And she just gets bastard because she... I know.

The Prime Minister is inappropriate with his staff member. Oh, Hugh Grant. Like, do you reckon the level of narcissism that David Cameron has, because Hugh Grant's character is called David, he's like, it's based on me like no no it's not he stood up to America yeah David Cameron you didn't stand up to America at all

you spat on your own asshole because you were sick of them going in dry do it George and the little boy does he do you not get ditched he kisses her at the airport and he kisses her he kisses her at the airport and eh player

oh he kisses her yeah I kiss her at the airport then we come back and she kisses him and eh Liam Neeson is going to get together

with her mum which is which yeah because they're like flirting first of all he's a pedo pimp yeah

second of all yeah he's an absolute pedo pimp like he's yeah he's getting high on his own supply oh that was me it's for uh coming in your own mouth i know that i've saw the movie

no it's not that me and kai coming on my own we're coming each other's no yeah no hey let's just pause that here yeah call back um but that bit in uh Actually yeah he's getting together with he's just pimped out his son to this girl and then he's now getting together with her mum so he's just going to make them be like weird stepsisters and brothers in love with each other

I've made you fall in love but now you're brother and sister yeah yeah enjoy it Liam Neeson next time you go on holiday and someone takes you, I'll be miffed. Slightly miffed. I'll not be pleased.

I'll tell you what, I'll not come get you. I've done it there, Miles. I hated Taken 2. Do you know why? It was terrible. Because there was no need for it. No, no need.

The whole film was terrible. But at the end, what's the line The daughter says It's something like We'll try not to get kidnapped This time And they all go And they all laugh

I was like Fuck up You were just kidnapped Yeah, dead Too quick for Bantz Yeah Way too soon Zero chill on that bitch

Yeah, that's like Somebody That's like someone Who survives 9-11 being like, oh, I might try and miss my flight tomorrow. It's been a day, Stephen. It's been a day. Like, stop

making people like that. They're still pulling bodies out. You know, I didn't know about 9-11 for like four days. I think I was the day after. Yeah, I was the day after. Did they not tell you because it was your birthday well no I was

don't tell me I'll be upset it's what I wish for it is what I wish for so yeah I don't think they wanted me no one had superpowers

no it's because for those of you that don't know my birthday is on September the 11th and it was when I was 11 years old my school

my primary school was on like a week long trip where you go like rock climbing and spelunking and learning loads of shit you go like rock climbing and spelunking and learn loads of shit. Spelunking,

spelunking, spelunking. And yeah, so it happened on my birthday so I woke up and all the teachers were like happy birthday and there was cake

and then like about, oh fuck, it must have been like 12 in the afternoon or something we were driving somewhere and all the teachers turned the music off

and put the radio on and the kids were like what's going on? None of us having the ingenuity to just listen to what the radio was saying and all the teachers just got sad for like a day and then sad for like another day and like every we're just like what's this gone weird and then i didn't get back until the friday and my parents were like here's your birthday present and also by the way shit went down twice. Yeah I remember I was sitting in... I'd have minute silences on my birthday for ages and I was so young and horrible that I was like oh this is bullshit and they're like

people died. Loads of them. I was at school I remember like a week after, and it was on a flight path, and in the middle of a French lesson, a plane like flew over the school, but we could hear it. And the teacher stopped mid-sentence and was like, and then she put her hand on her chest and went, oh, thank God. And we were like, hold on.

You think fucking Al-Qaeda's coming for a high school in Pennycook out of all the places they could get And she was really Oh my god She was so relieved And in panic Of course not Of course ISIS isn't attacking fucking Pennycook

Yeah Jesus Christ It's flown all the way to the sky There's a capital city Four miles away Oh I didn't have the fuel mate He'll just do this Whatever this place is I remember a couple of years

After 9-11 It wasn't a big school It was a small school Yeah What does George Bush Have against Pennycook High School Learning French

Their freedom price A couple of years After 9-11 I was on a French trip French exchange trip to Paris surprisingly okay didn't want to

Germany dead weird and we're up the Eiffel Tower and just a pigeon flew up and I thought it was a hand grenade

another interesting point we were like like the first level of the Eiffel Tower so hell of a throw yeah oh wow yeah you found your kill yeah you know what We were like the first level of the Eiffel Tower. So, hell of a throw. Yeah. Oh, wow. You found your kill.

Yeah, you know what? I'll take it. Yeah. You wanted to kill me more than I wanted to not die. So, you win this round and all future rounds because I'm dead. I would really want to take the Eiffel Tower. Just throw up. Why would you throw the bombs?

No. No, no. All right, scientist Bob. Yeah, all right. I'm going to throw it up Why would you throw it at the bombs? No No no Alright Scientist Bob Yeah alright I'm gonna throw it Look if I had two hand grenades I would have done that

Have you seen me throw? I could reach the top No you couldn't Watch me No it was just a pigeon Pigeon bomb Fucking pigeon bombs That would be an interesting

It was in worms Was it? It was a homing pigeon That was a weapon Are you not thinking about the super sheep? That was also a homing pigeon that was a weapon oh you're not thinking about the super sheep that was also a weapon yeah i loved worms fucking great i've still got it we can play game after this we can play it now i fall off the podcast yeah so finish your spew story oh i mean there's not really much to it uh matthew ellis so how long have you been drinking for

uh since 2 p.m and why six nations oh no it's monday not even yeah you been drinking for? Since 2pm And why? Six Nations? No Oh no it was Monday Not even You were drinking from 2pm on a Monday Yeah I mean I know I'm not one to talk Yeah

I didn't drink anything that wasn't alcohol for four days You were drinking at 2 on a Monday Alright alright Yeah But I was not drinking on the 2 that Monday So I just went and met up One of my mates Gus

And we were playing pool and then we decided to head along to Red Raw Red Raw for those of you that don't know is a beginner's night and new material night at the stand in Edinburgh which I actually I hope some of the acts that were on that night were listening because you were all fucking diabolical was it not a good not even close to which is rare Because normally The sound of the Red Rocks dance Is fucking stellar Two of the acts The acts in the first section Two of the four acts

Are you genuinely bitching about comics On this podcast Yeah yeah No no Two of them said the phrase I'm sorry I've depressed you all so much And left It was the saddest thing I've ever seen

Wow two people of the same closer Yeah That's amazing Didn't work the first time No he delivered it wrong He didn't have a sad enough face yeah so I got smashed

and sat through the back pissed in an instant and went right I need to spew I saw Ellis Matthew Ellis your roommate who was comparing

I saw him go towards the toilet and I went oh fuck he's went to the toilet and I want to spew so I ran out the back and he was standing there smoking

and I just spewed right past him and he went bathroom bathroom he was standing there smoking, and I just spewed right past him. And he went, bathroom, bathroom. He was doing Jelly Bean as a character. I can't remember the last time I spewed. And that's not my way of saying I've not spewed recently, because I spew a fair bit when I'm drinking.

But I was just so drunk, I also can't remember it. Yeah. I always have a one, and it's always, I can drink and drink and drink, but it's always shots that fuck me I can drink more more than most people but shot

it's not because the alcohol content I just I've got it tastes gross it tastes horrible no matter what I used to be able to do some I remember when I was younger

I used to be able to do like four shots of Glenn's vodka straight and just be like yeah wouldn't push the sides and then just now

I had a cafe patrol and the other oh well last time I was on the podcast with Eric we went out and got drunk I drank like

nine cocktails seven pints two gin and tonics and American gin and tonics the big ones so I was quite drunk and just one shot a cafe patron

and my body just went aww just go have a look destroyed the broke the camel's belly and I do that thing where you go

apparently if you do shots and you hold your nose or you breathe in fully it's easier to do but all I found is when I breathed in before the shot I just gave it more of a trajectory I just basically filled my air up my body up like a super soaker like with all the compressed air

I just put it in just I love you know who doesn't tell you ways to avoid tasting shots are like teenagers they're never going just hold your nose

they're like fucking put it in me I used to do vodka in the eye yeah I used to do the the ones where you'd do like a shot of

a shot of Sambuca and then you'd like put a pint glass over it so it would burn out and then you'd put a straw under it and you'd suck the air

from that because it's I don't know methane I know a straw under it and you'd suck the air from that because it's, I don't know, methane I know that's not methane, my mum just punched the podcast and then, yeah, you're down the shop I'd force feed midgets brandy like foie gras and then eat their liver

that's what I used to do not a whole person did you ever used to the straw pedoing yeah yeah which is basically you'd go out

and get molested by a scarecrow that's the dumbest joke I've ever said I loved it that was great I was so glad I didn't think of it

yeah I knew it was a straw pedo you go out yeah this all sounds on a bump board and then you oh you got me

oh fooled me once make me giggle fooled me twice my bum's full of straw yeah straw penis where you'd

be able to down the shot you used to do that with fucking VK's do you ever do snorkelling yep snorkelling

it was when you you have a pint you take a drag of a cigarette and you down the pint and then you exhale and here's and there's no

this is I hated child pseudoscience like the stuff that had no credibility and whatever it was like it's because when you smoke cigarettes

it thins your blood so when you drink well you've got the smoke in your lungs you get drunk faster. And I'm like, that makes perfect sense. Because the second the smoke's out of your body, your blood thickens right back

up. It's got nothing to do with the downing of the pint and the fact that you're 16 years old, you fucking moron. Do you remember Fairy Faints? Fairy Faints? Aye. So this was a thing, you used to stand against the wall and you'd go like...

Like breathing loads and then somebody would push your chest and it would make you faint for a couple of seconds. Oh, I heard about the... My mates used to do this. Don't know why we did it. Nah. We went fairy feint.

Aye, alright. We had a mate who used to do... If you play a ground, he'd just play does anyone want to be put in a sleeper hold and there would be cues and kids would be like yeah put me to sleep and he was just

I'd never did it yeah he'd just be choking and then he'd fall down and then get back up always funny when someone I know how dumb this is like

but I cannot express how consensual all of the choking out was like they were literally queuing up thought it was the funniest in the world so he would choke I never did it because one I'd done it with the technique and two how consensual all of the choking out was. They were literally queuing up,

thought it was the funniest in the world. So he would choke. I never did it because one, I'd done it the technique and two, I don't want to be fucking choked out. But one of the funny things was, and I say funny, cruel in hindsight, but we found it hilarious at the time, was whenever someone had passed out,

he would drop them down gently, just run up and just flick them in the balls, right? Because it doesn't wake them up, but it's still story by the time they've woken up. So it's like they wake up and just flick them in the balls right because it doesn't wake them up but it's still storing by the time they've woken up so it's like they wake up like oh oh i've just come back to ah we're like it's one of the side effects of the blood loss going from your brain why don't we have a good football team oh we're all fucking fairy faintainting and choking each other out I used to love Scottish

and I know it's probably the same elsewhere but like old school fucking fife parties on the beach when the police would come down and ruin it I was so terrified of the police I once hid in a shed, like not in the shed I know that makes more sense, on a shed oh yeah, yeah, died from the police

hoping that they were both under five feet. But they weren't even... On part of the shed. They would come down. One time I was... I was walking around leaving drunk and... Not with drinks in hands, just drunk

on a Saturday. Leaving is a place in Scotland for international lovers. Yeah, sorry. You didn't leave drunk. I was in staying drunk that's the oldest oldest leaving joke is it oh yeah

I'm never from there so I don't know I'm going to go stand in the corner oh yeah fuck I wish I had put it in there the police car

came around the corner it was me and my two friends and the police aren't looking for us why would they be looking for us we're three drunk teenagers and we're walking

and we're not drinking and we're not annoying anyone. Police car goes in the corner and I just jumped into a bush. My two friends were like, what are you? And the police car drove past and the guy rolled down his window and just went ah, bell end. Drove away.

Oh man. You get a point. Growing up in Scotland. Right, we'll move on to Muggle Corner, but I'll also just need to pause this because this is about to run out of fucking battery. Oh, no. Right, we are back, and we're going straight into the fan's favourite game,

Muggle Corners. So, Muggles Corner. Muggle Corners. Muggle Corners, because there's so many muggles, we need way more corners. All the corners are really occupied. Yeah. So for those of you that have not listened to the podcast before,

muggle corner. Muggle is a term that we use for sort of just very normal, plain people that just do things that are just a bit underwhelming constantly. But they are overwhelmed by underwhelming things. They're not bad people. One thing we always have to clarify in this is we don't hate these people i know it seems like we do at some points when we're ranting because it's but that's because we're also so ashamed of the muggle things that we do as well because i'm guilty of half the things in the corner i was guilty of all the last ones they were all into me blah blah blah fuck off do you blah blah blah

apparently he could say that I did in the last one I was like yada yada yada as well I do that one yada yada yada

so I just do for me I've realised that you know how some people they go I just say fucking if I can't

and it really fucks up because I'll be like so I was out there fucking with the fucking kids yeah wait you were fucking kids I'm like no no really fucks up because I'll be like so I was out there fucking with the fucking kids yeah wait you were fucking kids I'm like no no

oh no that is what I said I'm going to be terrible in court one day and like Kai did adulting as a word like people use that right

so last time I said that I was doing adult stuff right but it just means like I was doing normal like serious shit

yeah but I don't say adulting oh gene says adulting i think that's maybe where he was going for because a mortgage is being an adult yeah yeah you can't get mortgage kids that's it yeah kids don't have mortgages some kids have kids yeah do you remember that 13 year old in scotland that was meant to be the dad of that kid but turns out for those of you that this for those this is gonna be funny just for international listeners a good 10 years ago in Scotland there was a story about a 13 year old boy who was gonna be the father of uh this 15 year old girl's kid and then a huge and it was a huge controversy across and we all go over the controversy

because turns out he wasn't the father her other 15 year old friend was and all the controversy because turns out he wasn't the father her other 15 year old friend was and all the controversy was god we're like oh that's absolutely fair oh good two still underage children raising something and it could have been a 13 year old yeah yeah and they're yeah well he was getting laid here's uh i was not getting laid at 13. i'm going off topic here, but here's a funny but sad story, but mainly funny. There was a couple of years ago, I was reading in the newspaper that, I said reading in the newspaper, it was part of my set, this stuff about sort of pedos and stuff, and someone came and told me a story, which was apparently there was this female teacher who was having sex with one of her 15-year-old pupils. Now, we can all agree that that's wrong and illegal and disgusting,

blah, blah, blah. Yada, yada, yada. Blah, blah, blah. But one of the other worst things about this thing is the, I mean, you've got to understand, the 15-year-old was consenting. I know underage people can't consent, but in his eyes he was. But every time she had sex with him, she he was but every time she had sex with him she basically promised him

that if she had sex with him a hundred times she would buy him an Xbox 360 and the police caught her on 96 oh no way how devastating

is that oh my gosh like he was just like come on like how am I going to distract myself you've taken away sex

yeah and I can't even kill the time with an Xbox. So, like, I mean, if I was 15, that would be one afternoon. Yeah. So they caught on in the middle of the evening. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. Wait, are you saying you were shagging loads when you were... No, but if I was given the opportunity, I'm sure I could have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If there was an Xbox at the end of it as well, fucking right. Yeah, smashing them out. Yeah. Right, I'll go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If there was an Xbox at the end of it as well, fucking right. Yeah, smashing them out. Yeah. Right, I'll go for my first muggle corner. So understand, if you do any of these

muggly things, doesn't mean you're a bad person, doesn't even mean you're a full muggle. Just means you've got some muggle in you like we all do and if you're guilty,

you've got to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds. My first muggle corner. I'm so pissed off for being attacked, right? I'm going to go stand in the actual fucking corner right now.

By yourself. By now. Right. Gareth, I think you're the first person ever that's actually gone in the corner. So my first, you can come over when I've said the muggle corner. My muggle corner is muggles are scared of heights. And I say this as someone who is scared of heights,

but in a sensible way, right? If we're up the top of the Eiffel Tower, I'll go up, I ran down the stairs, I go up to the top of those towers where they've got the see-through floors, I'll stand on those. I'm like, this is uncomfortable, but I'll do it. But I'm logical about it. I'm like, I'm not going to fall through this. It's stupid to be scared of heights at this point. I know people that are scared of heights in airplanes. You're in a fucking airplane. Like, that's... You can't see the heights.

Like, that's even not the scariest part of flying. I mean, if you're scared of flights, you're also a muggle. Yeah. Because being scared of things that have no rationale. If you're at the edge of a cliff, that's when I'm like, I don't want to go near that cliff. I don't know how fucking stable that is. I don't trust people behind me because I'll get pushed.

And I also don't trust myself not to jump. Yeah. It's always, even though I'm not a depressive person, I'm the happiest I've ever been. There's always that voice that goes, do it though. I just, I can't remember where it fucking came to me but oh that was it there was this fucking diving video that went viral on facebook i don't know if you saw it no but it was in like norway or sweden or something and there's like this 10 meter high

diving board right and it was like this little 10 minute documentary about fear and overcoming fear and it's just they've just filmed people at the top being like oh don't want to just jump in the fucking water it's ten metres high and it's water it wouldn't be that high if you could die like nobody dies it's you're not going to die

so therefore all your oh there was one person I fully respected right it was this ten year old girl and while all these other

fucking muggly adults are like peeking over the edge like Mr Bean in that whole fucking swimming pool sketch. While they're doing that, this little girl just climbs up and just runs and jumps out and then does it again.

I'm like, good. Good on you. She was clearly scared. I'm not saying, maybe I'm not saying being scared of heights is muggly, but letting it affect you in any way. Just be logical about it. I used to tell people in primary school I was scared of heights is muggly but letting it affect you in any way like just be logical about it i used to tell people in primary school i was scared of heights and turns out i'm not at all

i used i don't know why i made up that line just thought that was a cool thing to say about yourself is this like all the people that say they're gluten intolerant it's just like a little quirky thing about myself i'm actually terrified of heights I used to go up the climbing frame And be like I'm scared of heights It's just your way of acting hard Yeah Hey

If I would do this Yeah Thing we'll do to you To you cunt I'll fucking drop you from here I don't know I just Yeah it seems to be a memory of mine

And I'm totally Totally fine with them Doesn't bother me at all Don't get me wrong I've got muggly ass fears I've got dumb ass fears Here are my three And they're not fears They're just like I can't You sure you won't tell me wrong I've got muggly ass fears I've got dumb ass fears here are my three and they're not fears

they're just like I can't you sure you won't tell me this moths right what are you scared of butterflies

he's how logical this is not scared of butterflies butterflies are absolutely fine pretty moths nah no having that they're dusty

it's not that dusty why are they dusty all the time I just I don't trust no moth has ever looked confident flying. Yeah. Every moth, like, flies like it was a person 30 seconds ago, and it's just been turned into a moth, and it's like, what the fuck is going on?

It just flaps and panics, and just freaks, that's how moths fly every hour of every fucking day. I don't like them. We were in Australia, I swear to God, a moth flew into the fucking bedroom, and at first we all thought it was a bat. Wow. That's how big this cunt was. It was at least three inches long, not wingspan, body. And I'm like, that thing can fuck off forever. And they're like, we'll get it out for you. I'm like, stamp on the cunt. It's one moth. Fuck this. I've not killed the moth. I'm killing this one. This is Stancher Grimes. He's on my property.

He's in my room. He's going to come in and touch my stuff. He could have flown off with a shoe. Not eating it. He could have flown off with a whole shoe. Small dog. I remember being on MSN back in the day. Back in the day.

Had my webcam on. Was chatting to my buddy. It was always a weird thing. When you'd webcam your friends. Yeah. Hey, you can't hear me doing I'm going to type and you can watch me type not turning my mic on it's weird

I was chatting to my mate and he was like what the fuck is that and there was a huge moth behind me and I was like I'll kill it I'll kill it on the webcam for you like physically on the webcam I was like hey watch this this it. I'll kill it on the webcam for you. Like physically on the webcam? Yes. I was like, hey, watch this. It's like some sort of, this was before we had the hang-in videos.

So, why did I say that? Saddam just popped into my head. So, took off my shoe and I fucking wellied the wall where the moth is and it falls to the ground. And he goes, oh, no way, let me see it. And I moved the camera down to the floor and the moth's not there and i'm like what the i start looking about the room it's flying about

the room i've hit it as hard as i could with a shoe and my mates like typing like no fucking way no fucking way and i was like i hit it again it went on the ground and it started like fluttering about on the ground and flew again and i was like this moth is the fucking terminator it's the only moth I've ever been scared of the rest were fine but that one two shoes

that was a fucking hard two shoes really hard like as hard as I could and I know I'm not big but I'm bigger than a fucking moth I could kill a moth

do you reckon it's because it was your fucking high heels and you didn't hit it with the still a little bit possibly the other two things I'm scared of,

it's not really scared of, but I physically... On the moth point, there's scientist people that listen to this, isn't there? Scientist people. Can you tell me

why they're dusty? I'd like to be tweeted that. Because every time I've touched a moth, I'm covered in dust after. Is it not because they eat stuff and turn it into dust?

It's not like moths eat fucking all the things. Trees eat carbon dioxide to make oxygen. Moths eat clothes, don't they? Isn't dust just clothes, crumbs? Fucking hell. It's covered in other messy ears.

They're not dusty. they're just crummy is that not the case I think it is any scientists people want to prove me wrong all of them eh

fucking hell that was amazing I really oh yes I'd like to no I don't think they they're fucking

no it is because they eat clothes isn't that the thing producing dust yeah they eat all clothes and maybe like don't think they they're fucking no it is because they eat clothes isn't that the thing producing dust yeah they eat all clothes and maybe like they're just hungry and they're just like

they're just covered in their own shitty dust it's like when you see a fat person eat a donut or a normal person do it I don't know I don't know

the rest of us eat the donuts in the cupboard hide our shame I would like to know that because I don't think your reason rest of us eat the donuts in the cupboard Hide our shame I would like to know that Because I don't think your reason is the right one Second fear Second fear

Frosted glass Oh Okay You know frosted glass? Yeah Oh I can't touch it Oh it freaks me out It's just

You don't like the feel of it? Oh I don't like the feel of it at all It's like nails down It's like nails down the chalkboard As is the same And everyone Kai knows this And my mum knows this and they give me the heart fucking velvet can fuck off for life i think i knew that velvet fucking that is nails down a chalkboard for me i once went on a date with a girl and she was wearing a velvet dress and nothing

happened like and and i think it's gay i just i couldn I couldn't and something could have happened obviously because my dad had nothing to do with her not liking me or anything. Oh it's just worse. There was one point I was on stage with Kai in a cardigan in Wales and Kai always does the soundcheck because I'm a lazy cunt and he went out and saw that it was a fucking velvet cover over the table and was like don't change it and then when he was a fucking velvet cover over the table. And was like, don't change it. And then when he was on stage and I wasn't watching the set, he was like, Daniel doesn't know this is velvet.

I guarantee there'll be one point in the show when he realises it and watch how he slightly freaks out and then only grabs the water bottle from the top. So I'm on stage and I clock out and walk. I'm like, that's fucking velvet, that is. I'm not an idiot. I know my enemy. And I walk out. And there's one point. and I just pick up the water from the top just not getting near the fucking velvet and uh the whole audience burst laugh and I was like fuck this looking behind me as if Kai's there yeah oh I can't touch it it's fucking

and I don't like the feel of it but um that's funny I can't and that's the I will admit those are muggly feels but those aren't a suggestion for Muggle Corner therefore they are not in Muggle Corner what is in Muggle Corner in fact do you agree

with the illogical fear of heights logical fear of heights fine aye but like people that go oh I couldn't do bungee jumping

yes you could it's been tested aye oh I couldn't skydive yes you could nobody dies oh I couldn't jump off that bridge. Fair one. Yeah, fair enough. That one's

fair. Do a forward flip. Aye. Oh, I can't. Oh, a five metre diving board, ten metre diving board. Oh, shut up, you. Yeah. Aye, yeah. Yep. Good. Absolutely. I think fucking any rational fear. Aye, well, in that case, I'm in the corner. Yeah. If there's any fucking

moths in there. To be fair, for three fears to have, you're not going to encounter them that much. It's a good three to have. Yeah, my biggest fear is a dignified moth sitting on a velvet throne offering me brandy. In a frosted glass greenhouse. Oh, I can't. Fucking moths can fuck off.

I'll kill all of them. And for all you animal lovers out there, don't give a shit. There's enough of them. It's only me that hates them. I'll kill all of them For all you animal lovers out there Don't give a shit there's enough of them It's only me that hates them I'll kill them all Sue me Send me to jail Watch them laugh you out of court

What's your next one First one Muggles Put bees on a pedestal Yes We've spoken about this a fair bit Continue Continue with your point

Okay So it's quite a popular thing just now Where everyone All the really kind of liberal people on Facebook Are panicking because the bee population Is dwindling And to be fair you don't see bees that much anymore so I agree with it but they think that if all the bees are gone then the world

is literally going to end they are convinced it's the you pointed this out to me because this started from a stand-up routine yeah you've got about bees and then we went online the other day and we found this post and it was about giving the bees this spoon. You've got to get a little teaspoon of sugar and you put some water and you make a little sugary solution and if you see the bee lying down, you give the bee. Because the bee's just thirsty.

It's just out of energy. It's exhausted. Why would I save him? That's natural selection. If he's not fit and strong enough to fly Fuck him He's gonna make Little fucking Weak ass bee babies

Yep With their little fucking bee Whore queen Slug Absolute slug Yep Yeah No I don't

Like That fucks me off We were reading all the comments And people were just In fact I'll even get Some of the comments up Yeah But it's

It's fucking It's These people are so dumb Your argument for mine Before it was the favourite What are we going to do if all the bees die What are we going to do We've been to the moon We survived the black plague

Which wiped out Half of fucking Europe Human life is not dependent on bees. We'll work it the fuck out. There's so many things that are going to kill us. It's not going to be the fucking bees. Bees are the only things

that pollinate things. No they're not. Do you know we need bees to survive? No we don't. Bees pollinate all of the plants that we eat and create the oxygen we breathe. Not true. They pollinate some of the plants that we eat and create the oxygen we breathe not true they pollinate

some of the plants some of the flowers and stuff but they're not the ones that make the fucking trees that make the oxygen and also we'll be fine

the other day we printed yeah we can print skin now we can print skin 3D printers we can print skin we've 3D printers we can print skin we've printed a fucking ear

but you're telling me when every single fucking bumblebee dies we're just going to be like can put an ear on a mouse also if you ever find a hive and want it removed

please find a local beekeeper they're usually very happy to help you remove the hive without harming the bees because they're doing fuck all else it's sad

and also that's their job in the same way That if there's a house fire And you phone up the fire brigade They're like Are you guys happy to help Oh we'd love to We've got all the equipment

What are the odds Yeah Here's another Fucking honey's overrated It's shite It's shite It's bee puke Yeah

It's fucking crap You know it's crap You don't have it by itself do you No You put it on other shit Ollie hummus By the spoonful Yep Not put it on other shit Olly hummus Olly hummus by the spoonful Yep Not put it on anything

Cheese same thing Yep Honey nah Even milk I'll have a glass of milk I won't enjoy it too much See I'm not a big fan of milk Like I don't have it with tea or coffee or that

But like I could do it Yeah Spoonful of honey I go I mean it's just shite sugar It is it's just very shite sugar There's just absolutely no need for it at all But we made it is it's just very shite sugar there's just absolutely no need for it

at all but we made it for you fuck off you bee cunt this is how us bees talk oh you fat

fucker I do like I will not kill an animal out in public right because I get

caught he's at it again any fucking animal that's in my And I say animal Insect Any animal I'm killing it

Get out of my house I don't Oh but spiders Get rid of the flies I'll also kill the flies Yeah I don't I'm not

I don't need it Yeah Like I appreciate The effort spider But you make Gene Wake me up To get rid of you So you need to fuck off

Right And because you don't speak English The only language you understand is foot Yeah There was one time Remember Kai's story where he talks about catching a fly in his toes Yeah Yeah

A fly was flying around Kai's room And he caught it in his toes Proper Oh yeah, lost his mind. It was one time when I was younger there was a massive spider in my room and I got like the top of a board

game box and I just put it over the spider and that was me, I dealt with it. And that was there and I put like a cup on top of it as well to make sure it held down. That was there for four weeks before I was like, right, that's dead. I can remove a dead spider yeah right lift it up gone no no spider at all i have no idea where that little went hanging out with that hard cut him off he's trying to throw a little gang do these yeah if this podcast cuts out at any point it's because a spider with eight

arms and a six pack the us the bee behind being like they didn't feed me either I was lying on the ground for ages oh suicidal little fucks he pollinates flowers oh fuck off yeah this

look we're not saying you're muggly if you save bees that's absolutely fine you're better people than us but like this whole human life

depends on these fucking yellow and black little terrorists yeah bees only form of defence kills it yeah

imagine that was that was that like yeah it's like why why are we saving imagine

imagine kicking someone and your foot exploded you wouldn't kick anyone yeah I'd just be like nah you know it's absolutely fine doesn't matter how much

but then again unless they were really pissing me off in which case you know it's absolutely fine doesn't matter how much but then again unless they were really pissing me off in which case you know what now I do understand the plight of the bleed yeah

right totally great and we'll go on to my second one even though I know it is this is more I'm going to have to specify this time

but I'll come out with the general one muggles have gopros right man I want a gopro I say this as someone who's got one and because I was totally part of the hype

like oh man I can film all the cool things I do I don't do any of the cool things I don't skateboard, I don't surf match, I'm not putting a GoPro on it, it costs me a lot of money, I'm not risking that Did I show you the photo of me with my mount on my helmet? Did I show you?

What you put on? Yeah I got a helmet mount you after. I got a helmet mount. I've not got a GoPro, I've got one of the 360 cameras and I was like, that'll look cool on a snowboard. So I'm going to still work with a... I'll show you because it's ridiculous. You know that episode

of The Simpsons where Homer goes in with a big huge cowboy hat with a video on top? Yeah. Mystery shop-a-poo. That's what it looks like. You looked like the rejected Teletubby. You were the one that was kicked out

for just being a bit of a pervert. But just look, the reason you're not a muggle if you have a GoPro is if you do do any of these fucking extreme sports or whatever. And it's for that. But I say this, and I'm in the corner myself, if you're one any of these fucking extreme sports or whatever and it's for that but I say this and I'm in the corner myself if you're one of those muggles like me and you just bought it

because you're like I do cool things and you realize no I don't I don't do anything cool all I'm doing is there's that video of putting the GoPro on the fireball whiskey at a wedding you did that no someone did that they put it on the fireball whiskey and you could see it going down the day I'm like that's cool to muggles. Yeah. Like, it's not. I just find them so unnecessary. I really want a GoPro.

Do you? Yeah. For what? What are you going to do with it? I don't know. I go kayaking sometimes. Right. And what's the footage for?

Just catch the scenery. It's like, even if you do do some of these things, unless you're the best in the world at it It's not going to look cool People who have GoPros have been so sold On the fucking adverts Because they see these amazing shots Of these fucking professionals

Snowboarding down the side of mountains And they're like that's what it'll look like when I snowboard No it won't You can't link your turns It's just going to be you falling on your fucking tailbone and crying that's it that's the worst

yeah because I'll fall loads yeah it's not going to be good footage what are you doing for I don't know

I had one on a surfboard once do you know what I saw me underwater a lot me panicking

about how much air I had left in my lungs I don't want to remember that I was scared I was scared the whole time

yeah the only reason I haven't bought one remember that. I was scared. I was scared the whole time. Yeah. The only reason I haven't bought one yet is because of all that. I totally agree. I still really want one. Right. I think we're both in the corner then. Yeah. Well, I've not bought one yet. I'm going to

buy one and I'll happily stand in the corner. Yeah, film yourself doing it. Here's the view from the corner i just oh i know i totally know what you mean the only time it's ever coming useful for me the gopro was a because this is a small enough camera there was a one time a couple years ago one of my friends had um gone to australia uh for like a year with a friend but halfway through the trip his friend came home yeah left early so my friend was just going to be stuck in australia on christmas day like with nothing to do yeah so i

as a lovely gift i flew him home but in the conditions that he wasn't like to tell anyone and we'd surprise his family we'd surprise our friends and stuff yeah so that's what the gopro was used for i went around to his parents house because I convinced him I was like oh we'll go we'll Skype Jordan in Australia yeah together I'd like to be there for that

and I go in and I just put the GoPro down somewhere and then Jordan just walks in the room and we got the reaction shot of that oh yeah

so that was that was a good time there but all the other times I've used a GoPro for absolutely fuck all yeah but you don't have to publish it like you don't have to

put it online or anything but who's it have to publish it like you don't have to put it online or anything but who's it for then is it for yourself to remind yourself of how bad you are at sports

kind of I mean you've got photos and stuff on your phone that you don't always put up and you just keep

I don't want to talk you out of it but because I kind of agree I know what you mean like you're not going to be

you're not doing the cool things you're mean. Like, you're not going to be fucking delivering this to us. You're not doing the cool thing. No, you're not doing the cool things. You're not hang gliding. No. You're not parasailing. You're just going to be fighting a bear. It's got on my chest mount.

Yeah, oh, I just, I think it's a very, very, and I'm totally guilty of it. I'm 100% guilty of it. And you know what? I will do it again. We bought Laura's dad a dog. You bought the wild, cool, she got it from the home. It came real cheap. Yeah, we bought him for Christmas a dog. You bought the wild cool as you get it from the home. It came real cheap. Yeah, we bought

him for Christmas a dog mount for the GoPro, so you put it on the dog and the GoPro goes on its back. Again, that's another marketing thing from that one video where they put it on a really fast dog. So everyone's like, it'd be cool if I did, do you know what your dog does? Your dog eats

fox shit and chases cats Wouldn't it be cool to see that in 4K? All you're doing is potentially getting the footage of the fucking number plate of the car that hits your dumbass dog Well that would be handy That would, yeah I just feel it's a muggly thing I've done

Put it in the corner I agree But I still got a good one. All right. Controversial. Muggles have baths. Oh, I love a bath. Oh, I love a bath.

Do you fucking set up? Do you have the candles? I don't have a bath in the house, though. The bubbles? So I don't have a bath. We've only got a shower in this house. Right. See, when I go to a fucking hotel and there's a bath,

oh, mate, do I treat myself? You're lying in your own filth. Yeah, but I do that. Do you shower after? No. Oh, you're a fucking disgusting cunt. Who showers after a bath? A lot of people,

because you're lying in your own fucking minginess. Nah, but I don't wash my bed sheets that much. I've not. You're right. But the point is that... I don't wash my bed sheets that much, I've not. But the point is that I'm always in my own filth. I wear socks five days in a row, I'm not a clean person. But like the bubbles, the pageantry

involved. Oh, mate, don't do bubble baths. I do that. I have a bath every now and then. I'm in the corner, but I think they're really fucking Mugly A glass of wine And you can

One thing is I'm going to fight the corner of the Bather There is always though The unromantic sides of baths That they never show you I'm always like it would be nice to have a bath I'm on tour, I've got an hour before the gig i'll just lie down for about 30 minutes read my kindle

have a glass of wine and then what they don't realize is i also never i'm sure how fast baths fill up so i'm just i'm naked far too early like i'm always so naked so far like it's just 20 minutes of me and i'm not i'm not putting my clothes back on no no i'm in so naked, so hot. It's just 20 minutes of me. I'm not putting my clothes back on. I'm in a hotel room. It's just me naked, occasionally, swishing around the water. Never makes as much. All of this is so much.

The swishing of the water around, just so it's not hot at one end and cold at the other. Oh, yeah. And then you get in and then it's too hot and then you realise. You get out and you're red halfway through. I get sweaty halfway through the bath as well. Like, I'm like, I've made this too hot. I'm realise you get out and you're red halfway through I get sweaty halfway through the bath

as well like I'm like I've made this too hot I'm now I'm sweating and yeah sometimes I'll need a shower to cool down

and then there's also the bit of like you always think you just sit and you read your book and you grab your glass of wine now you've got to

dry your hands before you pick up your book like it's always there'll be one bit where you put your hand down and you go and then that towel's fucking wet bit where you put your hand down and you go, and then that towel's fucking wet and then you go get the other one and you go stand up. You've got water dripping

all over the floor. You said you were going to fight the corner. You've enforced everything I'm going to say. Have you used a bath bomb? Of course! Of course I've used a bath bomb! So have I! They're amazing.

They're great. How do they do it? They're muggly as fuck. I think they are. They are. They totally are. Fuck. I'm such a muggle.

Listen to everything you get. The candles. Why? Why does it have to be candles? It's relaxing. It's not relaxing. No, it really isn't. You've got to you've

got to blow them out naked afterwards yeah just ripping with bubbles just everything like you've got to wipe off the bubbles before you dry yourself okay i'll tell you when a bath's not muggly because i did have a non-muggly muggly bath in the day when we were at nick coney's wedding uh all of our hotel rooms had these massive jacuzzi baths. So me, Rhys Nicholson, his partner, and Demi Lardner just all just in that, drinking wine and getting shit done. That's fun, because in that sense, it was kind of like a jacuzzi.

Another time, me, Tom Houghton, and Clare Humphries were so fucking fucked up at eight in the morning at Matty, the big man's house, that he lost us, and he came through, and we were all sitting in his bath. Now, it's important's house, that he lost us and he came through and we were all sitting in his bath. Now, it's important to remember, this was not a jacuzzi bath. This was a one-man bath.

And not a tall man's bath, a short man's bath. So it was just us with just our balls and our arses in and our legs over the edge just sitting there just with joints and one being like, this is fun. I love being in the water when i'm fucking off my box though whenever we whenever we did whenever we did the benidorm holidays uh whenever apparently there's always one night whenever when there's always a point

in the evening whenever i was on pills that i think was like one in the morning and they'd be like oh there he goes he's off in the sea yeah loved it. I do love the feeling of just being wet. Yeah. Oh, no, I love pools and I love swimming and all that fucking shit, especially when you're drunk at the ace. But when you pour yourself a little bath and you get the towel wrapped around your head

or the towel to support your neck for when you're sitting, you're a fucking muggle. Yep. All right. Yeah. Oh, I'm in the corner again. I'm in the corner for all

four so far pretty much I think who's your other one eh bees no you're not so I'm in the corner for fuck me

alright my final one I'm going to do this we'll get through these ones quite quickly okay um muggles believe the moon landings

were fake yep like there are some conspiracy theories that I will give the time of day. Not a lot, but I'll give you... Everyone who believes the moon landings were fake is not a scientist. Yeah. None of them are scientists. You find me a credible fucking scientist

who doesn't think they were real, then fine. But it's not it's always fucking barry from wisconsin as well i've you know i've done the mass have you you fucking moron what you need did you go oh all this because it's all how come there's no stars because that's in the same way that there's no stars during the daytime how was the flag flying as they've explained to you a thousand times they put a fucking chain in it

they keep it's all explainable yeah my dad one of the smartest men in the world loves the moon land he's got one of the

replicas of all the got on VHS yeah he's got a replica of like all the calculations and stuff and all the plans and stuff

and he did sat there because he's a fucking scientist he did all the calculations and stuff and all the plans and stuff and he did sat there and because he's a fucking scientist he did all the calculations himself and what's it like he's like it's genuinely impressive because what people it's so impressive to go to the moon with that level of technology that we had back then we had to understand how much effort went into it but also like we've done it's more impressive because of the distance and what it is but it's i feel like it's not that hard like it's it's not a lot in space you just there's no friction you just aim and things it's yeah it's not as hard as people think i know it's so difficult i'm underselling it yeah but i just i i'm gonna go after this I've never met a smart person

That believes they were fake Never in my life Oh no my mum occasionally does But my dad'll She's like what You know And my dad's just sitting in a corner Fucking seething

I can't stand a fucking idiot Yeah I've never really Like what Really is there to gain Well the whole argument is Then America owns it. Right, okay. So that's just an ego thing.

Well, no, it was about... Because it was the space race with Russia and China. It was about them being the first there and stuff. So it's an ego thing? Yeah, it was a total ego thing. So they're saying it was filmed. And you just go... We weren't going up there going,

oh, wait, this isn't cheddar after all. Yeah, yeah. Cancel the cheddar, mate. I can't. Yeah, I just Oh, more cheese. Cancel the cheddar, mate. Oh, I can't. Yeah, I just think if you're that level of ignorant, and it is a level of ignorance, because you are fact-picking. You are absolutely fact-picking with that.

People that... And I'll not put conspiracy theories in the corner, because in the future, I'll just come in with other conspiracy theories that means you're a fucking idiot. But let's open with this one. If you believe the moon landings are fake, I'm sorry, I love you, but you're dumb as fucking you're a muggle.

Get in the corner. Final one. I've got two and I'm trying to kind of pick. I'm going to go with muggles like vinyl. Like vinyl records. I think I think okay

can we put I think we've got to put an age it sounds better no it doesn't I think we've got to put an age clause in this I will

I will I think I'll allow nostalgia oh totally right so if you if you grew up with vinyl and that's why you love vinyl you have that

you are not a muggle absolutely in the same way that when I'm older I'll go back and play Xbox 360 games I know it's not the same thing If you grew up with vinyl and that's why you love vinyl, you have that. You are not a muggle. Absolutely. In the same way that when I'm older, I'll go back and play Xbox 360 games. I know it's not the same thing. I know it's not. You're fucking muggles. But it's nostalgia. If you were under the age of 30.

Buying a vinyl. Muggle. Yeah. You're a muggle. Ridiculous person. I don't. Nah. You don't get to have nostalgia for a generation you didn't belong to

exactly yeah well it sounds better it absolutely does not it doesn't there's no science behind that at all the reason it doesn't sound better

is because they invented things to sound better because that's what progress is yeah like nobody do you think Steve Jobs

was like we need to I want to get all the music in a smaller place but can we also make it sound worse than the other thing for no reason? That'd be great.

But Steve, we've got the technology to make it better. No, no, no, I'm Steve Jobs. No, just make it a little bit shittier. Nah, shut up. Get better speakers. Sounds like you have shit speakers. Yeah. That's what that sounds like.

I hate it. But no, I do agree with the age bracket on that one. Yeah, I don't know what the age bracket is, I think. You'll know, if you're an adult that listens to this podcast, first of all, nerd. You fucking losers. Listening to a bunch of

stoned fucking 20 and 30s talking shit. Love you, please come back. Share it with your friends. Oh wait, they're all dead, you old cunt. But yeah, if you're under dead you old cunt but yeah if if you're under 30 and you're like

vinyl I'm not having it oh just love going to vinyl shops enjoy it while you can because they're dying out just like your kind

you fucking muggle yeah totally right sweet let's go through those one last time so they were

muggles are scared irrationally scared of heights, have GoPros, and believe the moon landings were fake. Yeah. And I had, they put bees on a pedestal, they have baths,

and they listen to vinyl. Oh. I do love a bath, though. I'll get in the corner of the bath and really enjoy myself right let's go to our final game your dad jokes your mum put peanut butter in the roof of your dad's mouth

and then dubbed over him for his wedding vows your dad calls Swiss cheese Sunday cheese because it's holy your dad asked for an epidural Your dad calls Swiss cheese Sunday cheese because it's holy. Your dad asked for an epidural during your mum's labour because your mum's whining was giving him a headache. Your dad thinks PPI means personal penis inspector. And he keeps applying for it. Have you been mis-sold PPI? no but I'd love to mis-sell it

and he goes around in a shirt that says FBI female boobie inspector your dad has hoop nipple rings like big huge ones makes you slam dunk them makes you pull them when he's naughty if you pull one Like big, huge ones. Makes you slam dunk them. Makes you pull them when he's naughty. If you pull one really far out and it goes back in,

he says, oh, there's a snake in my boot. You can chap the other one. Whose home is the stud in? Your dad does the pulling the tablecloth trick on your dog bed Never works

Dog just goes flying Your dad runs a bubble bath Muggle Your dad runs a bubble bath Dips his arse in Farts And then tries to catch the bubbles on his tongue Your dad always orders a happy meal and then tries to catch the bubbles on his tongue.

Your dad always orders a Happy Meal, but it never works. Your dad faked his own death so they'd name a bench after him in the park. Your dad pees in the paddling pool. But he's not even in it. No. It's his outdoor loop. He just fucking hates his grandkids. Your dad spent last month's pocket money on his campaign to become MP of Pussy Town.

Not even mayor. Just an MP. He's working his way up the campaign trail. Your dad drops his trousers to his ankle when he pees at urinals but he only undoes his fly to take a shit it's because he wears his trousers back to front it's easier

your dad heard our last podcast and got really upset about the things I said and now just keeps texting me crying face emojis. You should really reply to this. When your dad broke his wrist, he signed his own cast with your mum's name. Your dad failed Dry January after having a wet dream about Anne Robinson Telling him he was the weakest link It's only because of his nipple rings I fraped your dad

Posting a status saying Robots are for fags with a Z And he hasn't spoke to me since That was in 2009 For those of you that don't get that reference Me and my dad were on Robot Wars when I was younger at Chinese New Year your dad says

New Chinese Year, New Chinese Me and then does the I, he said it makes us all uncomfortable that's a fucking belt I think that's one of my favourites yeah that was your dad wanted to moon people in high school but he practised in his mirror and it put him off nobody needs to see that

I'm proud of this one too Your dad says he has an eating disorder Then orders takeaway and says I'm eating disorder I'm gonna eat disorder And then I'm eating that order And then twerks out the room Your dad wears a t-shirt in the pool but no trunks

He's body conscious but not dick conscious But arse conscious weirdly It's because his moves are bigger than his dick Right That's the end of the podcast for this week I think Kai's now taking over Mondays and I'm taking over Thursdays until one of us fucks up and it'll keep changing, you know how this works

thanks to Gareth Ward for being on the podcast, we are doing work in progress on Valentine's Day for those in Edinburgh, it's at Summer Hall it starts at 7.30, tickets are only £3 book them online because I reckon it'll sell out because we're fucking dead good

do you have anything else you need to plug? Just the Glasgow show again 10th of March Tickets, I've got the link pinned On my Twitter Which is Mugly Oh no it's not if it's a promotion So that's on there

Genuinely Only a few left You should ask the left yeah I would be you should ask the audience because I would like to know how much clout this podcast has if you are going to see Guy the Show

and it is because of this podcast can you please give us a tweet yeah please let us know just so I know how much to charge him for being a guest on this podcast

thanks very much guys see you next week